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shikonotama · 4 years

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Hello @celisart, I was your @noragamisecretsantas this year! I hope you have some sweet holidays this year 🎄 🎅

You told me, that you’d like something Yatori related. So I decided to write something about them. I hope you like it. 🤗

Silent night

The days had gotten a lot colder recently. Even during the sunny parts of the day, the warm sunbeams just barely made it all the way to the ground, therefore not able to properly heaten neither animals nor humans anymore. Despite the weather being close to freezing the whole day, you’d never consider to call it bad at all. Only the lack of pure white snow throughout the city’s streets caused all the children to stay at home, meeting their friends or playing games inside their parent’s house. Adults and elders on the other hand were busy making their way to the city and back, trying to get everything ready for the upcoming holydays at least.

Just in between all those people walking straight to their destinated place to get what they needed and then hurrying back to their houses, a young man ran through the shopping mile; not even sparing a glance on one single storefront even once. His outfit did not quite fit the weather nor was it suited for celebrating the upcoming holidays in the slightest. Despite wearing a pair of brown boots, he did not wear a coat or jacket. All that covered his body was a black tracksuit and a greyish scarf tied around his neck.

His vision was sharp and clear, his mind focused on something ahead, as if he was chasing after a thief that stole his wallet – no one around seemed to notice neither him nor the one he was chasing after, though.

“Yato, it’s no good! If we continue like this, it will-…”, the voice of a young boy reached the young man’s ears, even though there was no one right beside him.

»I know…«, he murmured, biting his lips. His fingers already felt numb and the cold wind blowing in his face caused his nose and cheeks to turn slightly red. »… but that’s the last one.«

“You sure ‘bout that?”

»Tzck…«, was all he had to add before he jumped straight off the ground and landed on top of the next building’s chimney with no struggle at all. As he stood up there, his bright blue eyes were directed to a point at about two hundred meters straight ahead of him. The bright sunlight was reflected from two blades he held – each in one hand. Their handles were both wrapped in bandages that didn’t seem to be tightened very well.

»Get ready, Yukine.«, was all he added to their conversation, as a big squirrel shaped cloud of dust rose just where Yato had been staring at the whole time. »We’re gonna finish this with just one blow.«

»Smells good!«, the big and cloudy animal turned itself around to face the black haired man, still standing on top of the chimney, firmly holding both blades. Just one moment later, without any further indication, Yato lifted himself high into the air. In the blink of an eye, he then rushed straight to the Ayakashi facing him, directing both blades to the squirrels head.

»You who would desecrate this land of the rising sun! With my advent, I, God Yato, lay waste with the Sekki... and expel thy vast defilement! – Rend!«

His two blades cut right through the Ayakashi’s body, leaving nothing but blurry dust behind. With ease, the self-proclaimed god stood up in the middle of all those busy people that were still walking by as if nothing had happened the past few minutes.

»Good job, Yukine. You’ve become really strong. Just as expected from my Hafuri.«, he grinned proudly, as both blades started to glow.

»You should be more careful, you know? If we only made the slightest mistake, some of those people might get hurt. You do know that, don’t you?!«, a blond boy had appeared right before Yato’s eyes, giving him a warning look before he sighted in relief. ‘After all, everything went well, didn’t it?’

»I knew you could do that, that’s why.«, answered Yato still grinning, then rubbing his hands to get them warm, at least a bit warmer than icy. »Let’s get going. It’s freezing cold. I’m sure Daikoku got us something to warm up again!« Again, Yukine sighted, tightened his jacket and followed Yato on their way back to Daikoku’s and Kofuku’s house, where they had been living for quite a while now – more than one year to be precise.

Kofuku and Daikoku: the goddess of poverty and her Shinki that was able to open up a vent that summons a huge amount of gloom. But thankfully, Kofuku was not the kind of god that got into a fight very easy. On top of that, Daikoku did not allow her to leave the house and explore the town or other places frequented by many people. She was not allowed to leave very often and never on her own, because her Shinki knew things would not turn out very well, as his master was known to cause disaster, wherever she went. Nevertheless, both of them lived a more or less quiet life, running a small store during the day that was very popular among children and passersby.

As it was already around half past five in the afternoon when Yato and Yukine made it back, the store was already closed for today.

»We’re back!«, Yato shouted while Yukine already closed the door behind them and they both immediately got rid of their shoes. »Time for something warm to eat!«

»Ah – Yato-chan and Yukki!«, a high-pitched and happy voice echoed through the house, right before one of the doors burst open. A young woman with bright pink hair and a big smile on her face showed up to greet them. »You’re late.«

»I’m sure he got them into some serious trouble – AGAIN!«, continued the deep voice of a man from behind her.

»Tse… what do you mean, ‘AGAIN’?«, Yato snorted and hastily turned his head to the left with a sour face.

»Common you guys, don’t start a fight on Christmas eve!«, Kofuku intervened with a smile, while she walked to the two incomers and grinned, then she observed them both and continued with a small amount of worry in her voice: »It’s gotten quite cold, didn’t it?«

»Well… yeah.«

»Doesn’t matter quite that much, does it? Just need, some fresh meal and a beer, and everything will be fine already.«

»And why do you think, you will get any of those?«, Daikoku wondered, watching every single one of Yato’s steps, as he made his way to the kitchen door.

»Ah, common! Don’t tell me you didn’t prepare some delicious food for tonight? No need to lie, Daikoku, I can smell it without any doubt!«, Yato giggled and stretched out his hand to open the door right in front of him. Daikoku on the other hand, crossed his arms in front of his chest, a mean grin on his face. »Don’t have to lie. Why would I even bother to cook for a freeloader like you?!«

»Well then… explain – THAT!«, just in time, Yato pushed the door open and stumbled.

»H-Hiyori?!?«, both Yato and Yukine looked at the brown haired girl, standing in front of the kitchen unit. When she heard the two of them shouting out her name, she turned around. After the first moment of surprise vanished from her face, a big smile returned before she answered: »Welcome home.«

»What are you doing here?«, Yato asked, still standing there as if he did not know how to react.

»She came here around one hour ago.«, Kofuku explained while Hiyori was still busy with something neither of the four was able to get a glimpse of.

»Okay, ehm… and why exactly are you here?«, he wondered, not having moved the slightest.

»She is the only one helping out, so don’t complain!« Daikoku was the one raising his voice this time.

»I’m not complaining at all! And by the way: We were busy, you know? Hunting Ayakashi to keep the people save on Christmas!«

»That does really look delicious, Hiyori!«, Yukine interrupted and stepped right beside her to get a closer look on what she was doing.

»Thanks, Yukine.«

»So… do you still need help…?«, he wanted to know, unsure what to do next.

»I’m fine, thank you. I just helped out Daikoku. But I think you could set the table?«

»Sure.«

While Yukine walked over to the other side of the kitchen to grab the dishes, Yato finally entered the room himself, walked straight to the refrigerator and grabbed a can of beer. He immediately opened it up and took a big gulp. With a satisfied grin on his face and his eyes half closed, he turned around and said: »Ahhh~ that’s what I needed! I’m sure with all the delicious food Hiyori made for us, it’s gonna be the best Christmas eve so far!« Hiyori let out a soft giggle: »You’ll always love celebrating, whatever it may be, right?«

»Wh-… y-yeah, guess so.«, mumbled Yato and from one second to the other his big satisfied grin had vanished from his face. He did not even manage to maintain direct eye contact with Hiyori. Instead, he put the can back on and took another big gulp from it.

»Whatever, just call me, when your preparations are done. Can’t wait to taste it!«

»You could help us, at least with the dishes, Yato!«, said Yukine, not even trying to cover the slight anger in his voice, as Yato walked past him. He did not reply anything, just raised his Hand into the air, before disappearing from everybody’s view.

»Argh… he can be such a jerk!«

»Calm down, Yukine. We are almost done with the preparations. You too can wait in the living room. Or maybe you should take a bath or at least a shower first? I’m sure it would help you to get warm again, plus I don’t want you to catch a cold.«

»Yeah, she’s right, Yukki. Just take your sweet time.«, Kofuku smiled, »I will help with the dish-….«

She wasn’t even able to finish this sentence properly, because halfway through it, she grabbed the plates, just to let go of them only one moment later. Neither of the tree bystanders was able to react quickly enough to prevent everything from scattering after hitting the floor.

»I told you to leave the preparations to Hiyori and me, didn’t I?«, Daikoku shook his head, while Kofuku shook of the surprised expression on her face and grinned again. »Oookay!« Her Shinki sighted and started to clean up the mess she was responsible for.

After leaving the others, Yato climbed up the stairs and entered the small room he and Yukine were given by Kofuku to live in. He walked across the room to reach the big window over on the other side. He then opened it up and shortly after he climbed outside, the can of beer still in one of his hands, to reach the roof. It was not that unusual for him to be up here. Sometimes, when he could not sleep and did not want to disturb the boy sleeping in the same room, he climbed here.

It had gotten quite a bit colder since he and Yukine arrived at the house, but for now, he did not feel cold at all. With ease, the god found his way over the tiles, right beside the house’s chimney, and sat down on the ridge. From up here, one had a great view at the city and thus it was already dark outside, all the sparkling lights. The latter were even brighter than normal tonight, because a lot of Christmas decoration had been put up.

‘This time, it’s gonna be different, huh?’, he thought and could not hide the fact, that his lips formed to a decent but honest smile. Throughout the last years he found himself wondering from time to time what it was like for all those families and friends to have a proper feast.

»Well… not too long ago we had this flashmob for Yukine’s first birthday, hm? … « ‘… that was a lot of fun, too!’ Yato tried to suppress a short giggle, while placing the can he just drank of between his legs and looked up into the clear sky. There was no cloud anywhere so all the stars above shined brightly tonight and even if the sky changed since Yato was born a long time ago, it never failed to touch his heart.

‘Damn… they really do take a lot of time. What are they even doing down there?!’, he wondered while listening to all the strange sounds and some yelling in between. »Well… whatever.«, he shrugged and put the can back up to his lips.

»There you are.«, the calm voice of a woman could be heard. Shortly after that, Hiyori appeared at the edge of the roof. It looked like she had hastily wrapped a warm jacket around her body, because none of the buttons were closed. So she tried to keep the jacket from going wild with her left hand and used her right to not lose her balance.

Quickly, Yato gulped down the beer in his mouth and sat up straight.

»I thought you’d be in your room, being lazy till we’d be done with all the preparations, but seems I was wrong, hm?«, she continued to talk while struggling to properly climb to the top.

»So… you’re complaining, too?! We fought countless of Ayakashi the whole day!«, Yato replied but as he looked into her face and seeing her smile he got confused. ‘She’s not complaining?’

»Yeah, I know that. You both are trying hard to help, by slaying the calamity. I’m sure many children can celebrate a great feast just because you two were there today.«

»You think so?«

»Sure!«

»Huh? … Mhm!«, Yato answered with a nod, still sitting on the roof, his eyes focused on the girl that carefully made one step after another to come closer. One may say her words were just a praise to make a friend feel better, but Yato knew by the way she looked into his eyes that it was not just her comforting him, but an honest answer how she felt about his latest actions. Maybe his goal, to become a god of fortune, finally came within reach! Coming to this conclusion, even if the roof was only barely lit, his cheeks turned visibly red. It may be due to the cold that started to affect his body, but why had his nose not gotten red as well?

Yato reached out for the can to get the last gulp and took his eyes of Hiyori, when he heard her scream and raised his head again.

‘Damn!’

In the blink of an eye he jumped up, the can fell out of his hand, rolled over the tiles and hit the ground. Not noticing any of this, he reached out his hand to grab hers, »Gotcha!«, he sighted in relief.

»Thank y-… Whoaaa…!«, but the roof was slippery and cold and because he already lost his balance too, the only way to prevent the both of them from falling was to pull her back in his direction.

»Ow…«, his back, as well as his head, were knocked against the roof tiles underneath, but as he was a god it did not bother him that much.

»Are you hurt?«, he asked the girl whose hand he was still holding. When he had pulled her back against his body, the both of them had fallen backwards with his back being hit against the roof and his body softening the impact of her fall. Now, as she tried to straighten herself up, their eyes met again, quite close.

»I- I’m fine, sorry… I’m not used to climb up houses while still in my human body.«, she replied with an excusive smile.

»Idiot… that’s dangerous!«, Yato breathed out slowly.

»I’m sorry.«, Hiyori repeated her apology in a more serious way than before, by lowering her voice. After a moment of silence, she spoke again: »Thanks for saving me, Yato. Not just tonight but throughout the whole year.«

Her face was pretty close to his. Who knows if he had heard her, had her face been any further apart, as she spoke quite softly. Her big, purple eyes looked directly into his, some strands of her long brown hair fell onto his face and there was no way he would be able to look anywhere else now. He did not even know how long they had been like this now. Some seconds? Several minutes? Maybe a whole hour had passed?

It had never felt that difficult to come up with some words to say to her. He was not even able to get a grasp on his own thoughts.

»You-…«, was all he was able to come up with, but as he saw the silhouette of her face, surrounded by the pale moonlight and a beautiful gentle smile her lips had formed into, he was no longer able to continue even that.

»Thank you, god Yato – god of fortune.«, she giggled, but he could tell that she totally meant what she said. ‘Fortune…?’ He had no time to think about that little word any longer. Just before he could sort out his thoughts, he felt something slightly tickling and soft touching his right cheek. At the same moment his heart burst out and started to beat uncontrollably fast. The Doki-Doki that echoed in his ears made it impossible for him to listen to anything else. Meanwhile, Hiyori placed her left palm on his right cheek while watching him closely. Her fingertips had only touched his skin for a split second, when her smile turned onto a slightly worried look.

»Are you okay? Your cheek fells chilly...«

»Y- yeah… I’m not cold at all.« ‘Not at all!’

»… and your face is all red. Maybe you caught a cold while staying outside all day?«, Hiyori continued without listening to his words. Yato shook his head. »I’m a god, remember? We don’t get ill.«

»Is that so?«

»Sure!«

After his quick reply, her features softened again. She kneed on the roof, then stood up and grabbed his hand to lift him up, too.

»Let’s head inside anyways. I’m sure something warm to eat is better than standing in the cold, be it humans or gods?!« He nodded still trying to get back control over his heartbeat. Hiyori smiled in return and turned around to make her way back to the lower floors. Before she could make any step forwards, Yato reached out for her right wrist to turn her back in his direction again.

»Wait a minute…«

»What is it?«

»…« Yato looked at her with his deep blue eyes trying to find the right words he was looking for. Almost as if he was a shy teenager.

»Yato?«

He closed his eyes for a mere second. As their eyes met again, a fresh but gentle gust blew through their hair. »Merry Christmas, Hiyori.«

»Merry Christmas, Yato.«, she smiled back, when she suddenly opened her eyes widely and directed her gaze into the sky right on top of them.

»It’s snowing…«, she whispered, but despite his heart still running wild, he could hear every single word she spoke, »… just in time.« There were not many snowflakes falling down but those that came close to them danced beautifully through the sky as if they were to celebrate with everyone.

»Let’s get back down, shall we?«

»Yeah.«, Yato agreed as she took his hand and kind of dragged him back down.

They stood in front of the foot of the stairs, so technically right in front of the living-room door, when they heard some strange noises from inside followed by two male voices giving the impression of not knowing how to deal with the situation any longer.

»Jeez… what are they even doing?«, Yato wondered, meanwhile Hiyori had walked to the door to open it. When she was just about to do so, all the lights went out and left a confused Yato standing in the dark corridor. »What happened? … Hiyori?! … Yukine?!«, he screamed, but got no answer at all.

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Yato opened his eyes and jumped to his feet. ‘Hiyori?!’ He looked from left to right, but neither Hiyori nor Yukine were anywhere to be found. »What the-…?«

He moved two steps forwards, but did not notice the body of a young man lying right beside him and stumbled over.

»You-…«, he started to complain, but shortly after he hushed. ‘Kazuma?’

When he recognised the Shinki lying on the ground, he once more looked around. He was not in Kofuku’s house anymore but in one of the city’s back roads. ‘A dream?’ The cold that had increased over night crawled over his back and made him shiver a bit.

After looking down again to check whether Kazuma was still asleep, Yato put his hand into one of the pockets of his tracksuit. With a sigh of relief on his lips, he put his hand back out again and looked at a small statue in the shape of a capybara, Hiyori made for him some days ago. A saddened smile appeared on his face, as he closed his eyes.

»I’m sorry...«, he whispered, holding the sculpture in both hands, tightly pushing it to his chest, »… we shall meet again. I promise.«

#noragami #Yato #Hiyori #Yatori #noragamisecretsanta2020 #merry christmas noragami #Merry Christmas 2020 #feels like forever since they talked

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animebw · 6 years

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Binge-Watching: Future Diary, Episodes 21-23

Well.

I think I have to go home and rethink everything.

My Brain Hurts

I have felt many emotions over the course of writing about this show. Most of them negative, some of them intense, but all of them certain. Future Diary’s execution of its ideas is always so extreme that I’m never left feeling conflicted over how much I like or dislike certain aspects. Which is kind of ironic, considering that a show so incapable of making definite points is able to bring such definite emotions out of me. But that’s remained true for twenty episodes of boring, insulting, and annoying.

And then episode 23 happened.

And suddenly, I have no idea what to think.

See, episode 23 is when we finally, finally, learn the secret of what’s behind Yuno Gasai, after so much time spent teasing out the mystery. And the answer we arrive at ends up not just providing context to most of the still-unanswered questions I had about Yuno, it completely flips the table on the entire show. It pretty much destroys everything I thought I knew about these characters, this situation, and what even was the point of all this madness. It forces you to look back upon the events leading up to this point and reconsider how you approached them. It. Is. INSANE. And even now, I’m still trying to process exactly how I feel about it. I have so many conflicting ideas bouncing around in my head about how much this twist justifies, how much it falls short of saving this dumpster fire, and just how the hell I’m even supposed to think about this show anymore. I have been bamboozled by shows before, but I’ve rarely felt so adrift and unsure of myself as I have with this twist.

All I know for sure is that I’ve never been more excited to see what lunacy Future Diary has in store next. And at the very least, I have to give it props for that.

The Third Body

So. The slow drip of information, the million disparate pieces that didn’t make sense, the shadows and skeletons lurking in the closet, at last they’ve come into the light. At last, we finally have the full picture of one Yuno Gasai. And as it turns out, Yuno Gasai is none other than... Yuno Gasai. Except not quite; she’s Yuno Gasai from the first incarnation of our world, and we’re currently in the second. So this Gasai has already gone through the survival game once, already fought and killed and bled beside a Yukiteru Amano she swore to be the bride of. And at the end of their game, Yuno won. She became god. But she found out too late a truth that she’s been trying to keep from our current Yukki ever since: even gods can’t bring back the dead. Death is eternal. And because Yukki had to die for her to win, than meant she lost the love she fought for. So instead, she traveled back into the past, to the second incarnation of our world, this time determined to do it right. To win the game and keep Yukki alive.

And in the process, she killed the Yuno Gasai of this world.

Yes, the reason their DNA matched is because they were the same person all along. The third body was this world’s Yuno Gasai. The Yuno of the past. The Yuno who promised to marry this Yukki. The Yuno who our current Yuno slaughtered and took the place of. That’s why our current Yuno so easily slips into murder mode when defending her love; she already knows how to kill for him. That’s why she’s so cavalier about the lives of Yukki’s friends; she doesn’t want a single opportunity for Yukki to slip through her fingers again. And that’s why, when he finds out the truth, her first reaction is to try and kill him. Because she failed. Because he knows the truth. Because he hates her now for taking his Yuno from him. Because the only option left is for her to win again, become God again, and just keep trying and trying, over and over, until finally, she carries him over the edge. Only then will she let herself go and die, safe in the knowledge that the man she loves is finally safe from harm. Forever.

Wow.

That’s a lot. That explains so much. That’s a ballsier, braver, and overall far more interesting angle than I ever expected this show to pull off. Sure, there’s plenty of stuff I can nitpick about it (I still don’t get how Yuno still had her past self’s Future Diary hanging around if her past self was dead, or how Akise was able to exactly determine what was going on before passing that info on to Yukki), but like I’ve been saying about plot holes all along, they really only matter if you’re not invested in the story itself. And for once... I get it. I get what this frustrating show has been going for all along. I see the point. I see the drama of two kids trying to learn to care for each other in a desperate situation, only for a dark secret to pit them against each other in the final act, both of them fighting for the other’s sake in a way where killing them is the only way to save them. And that one scene in the past, where a dying Yuno uses her last breath to scrawl out “help” on the wall in response to Yukki’s voice? Where we see just how much she placed in him, and how utterly hopeless he was to save her? That actually hurt. That was a legitimately gut-wrenching, kind of uncomfortably dark scene that made me really goddamn feel for both of them. The execution getting to that point was still abysmal, to be clear, but being able to look back on this mess of a show and see it as a complete picture, understand the story it was trying to tell... yeah, this all makes a lot more sense now.

Because at long last, I understand Yuno Gasai

Fuck You, Yuno

And therein lies the most important context this twist adds to the final act. Throughout this show I have been confused at just how invested I’m supposed to have been in Yuno. How seriously does this show want me to treat her madness? How conflicted should I be over her unstable support of Yukki? The show has been so poor at communicating Yukki’s understanding of her that I’ve been left at a loss for something of substance to hold onto. But now, I have that substance: Yuno Gasai is a monster. She carved a trail of blood through life to be with the person she loved, killing friends, loved ones, and even herself to get to him. But in the process, she led to the death of everyone Yukki cared about. It was her lies that led to him gunning down all his friends in rage. It was her misdirection that caused him to take the burden of killing onto himself, believing that he could reverse it. And worse, she killed the Yuno that Yukki actually cared about, the Yuno he actually formed a connection with, for the sake of rekindling a bond that this Yukki never promised her. Whether she meant to or not, she is the reason that his life is such a goddamn mess. Her attempt to save him only destroyed him more completely than just letting him die ever would.

And now, I know how to see her. Now I know the depths of darkness she’s sunk to. Now I know just what kind of madwoman has been shedding blood by our side all this time. Now I know you. Now I know your crimes. And it’ll take more than reshaping the universe to escape what you’ve done.

So fuck you, Yuno Gasai. Welcome to the dark side. And I can’t wait to see Yukki take you down.

At least, that’s what I want to say.

Who Am I To You?

Because therein lies the confusion I brought up at the start of this post. Now I can see the full picture of Yuno Gasai and the bloody path she’s walked. Now I know why the show wrote her the way it did. But aside from the excellent execution of the twist itself, the writing surrounding that twist and feeding into it is still as emotionally compromised as ever. The problem still, as ever, lies with my uncertainty of just how Yukki views the murderous psychopath he calls his girlfriend. I can completely feel his anger once the truth comes pouring out, all the rage and regret and self-inflicted agony, but the buildup to that moment still feels... weird. Like, Yuno’s lies directly lead to him killing his friends in brutal and intense fashion, and Akise’s final words make him pretty well aware of that truth, and yet, he and Yuno spend the next couple of days waiting for the apocalypse together, getting flustered at seeing each other naked, and overall just acting like that big blow-up never happened. And even when Yukki makes Yuno confirm that truth, he just... accepts it and seems perfectly fine moving on. Between this and that moment with his father, it’s incredibly off-putting just how easily this kid will forgive massive betrayals that result in the people he cares about dying.

And Yuno herself? Well, as glad as I am to see her psychology fleshed out and take on a fuller dimension as a character, I still have one massive sticking point: I still have no fucking clue what makes Yukki the person she’s so obsessed with. Remember, the only reasoning we’ve gotten as to why she loves him is that they talked about his parents’ divorce while thinking of the future once, and that made her instantly want to marry him. That is the extent of what we know on the subject. And I’m wondering now that the rest of Yuno’s deal has been so completely revealed, were we always just supposed to take that at face value? Like, did this show really think this one conversation was enough ground to start building a romantic connection on? Or is there still one more detail yet to be revealed that will answer that question? Because if not, then the basis of this central relationship, the driving force of the entire show, is a foundation of nothing. And it would take a show far better than this one to make something out of nothing.

Happy End

Still, for all the frustrations I still have, for as poorly written as this romance has been, there’s a part of me that really wants to get invested in it, even if the flaws in the execution keep me from jumping on board. Because Yuno and Yukki just took a step that I never expected a show this lazy to let them take: they actually had sex. Yes, that invisible presence in anime that never actually happens, that part of relationships that is almost never explored beyond accidental groping, that emotionally potent storytelling device that has so much goddamn unexplored potential in this medium obsessed with cheap “purity” and meaningless waifu bait, and of all the fucking shows, it’s this one that allows its central couple to actually give their first times to each other. To actually have their “happy end”. Look, maybe this is weirdly personal, because I have this imaginary fantasy anime in my own head where the main couple eventually gets to having sex as well as part of the exploration of their relationship, and I feel like this is such an untapped resource of storytelling power, but god damn! They actually did it! And it was really kind of sweet and awkward in the best way! And it felt like a really strong character moment for both of them! And for just a goddamn second, I truly, genuinely cared about them as a couple! As lovers! As people fighting for each other’s sake and giving each other the support they couldn’t get anywhere else! God, why couldn’t this earnest, intimate honesty have driven their interactions from the start? Why did the rest of the show have to feel so... empty?

I don’t know. Honestly, all I'm sure of now is that I have never been less sure of anything while watching this show. It’s up to you, final 3 episodes. Show me what you got.

Odds and Ends

-I guess fourteen-year-old kids can control the media now too, huh?

-”Are you trying to get buried so you literally rock?!” Hinata, you are far too good for this show.

-It was nice to actually see Yukki emote again in his confrontation with Ninth, considering what a pathetic douchenozzle he was last time. Could’ve really used that sooner, though.

-I really wanted Ninth’s death to mean something, but I just couldn’t give less of a crap about her stupid romance with Nishijima. Fuck, what a waste of a good character.

WELL SO MUCH FOR TRAUMA HAVE SOME TITS

-So... Akise was literally just a sentient info-gathering device all along? Lame twist, bro.

-”Akashic Records.” Oh no, don’t you dare try to subliminally influence me to watch that show.

-Okay, how Evangelion was the show trying to be with Akise? Because silver-haired smooth-talking gay using his love for sadboi protag as a weapon is... very Eva.

-”If Hinata betrays me...” As opposed to the first time she betrayed you? Lol.

-I still have no idea what the deal is between Old Deus and Murmur, and honestly, I don’t care. They’ve never been interesting characters.

One more session. Technically two, I guess, since I’m going to watch the Redial OVA. If nothing else, this show has been fascinating to talk about. See you next time for the grand finale of Future Diary!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #future diary #the future diary #mirai nikki #yuno gasai #gasai yuno

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soniasimaginatonforest · 6 years

Text

Ghosts of Past

Fandom:Joker Game

Characters: Sakuma and Miyoshi

Summary: Sakuma gets a visit from his past

Just something i wrote a long time ago and decided to post after i stumped upon it on my folder.

Enjoy!

April 1995, Tokyo

An elderly man was staring outside from the open window of his hospital room. The blue sky and the cherry blossom petals swirling around made him think of the past. Back when he was a naïve young man, thinking that joining the army was the only way to protect everything he loved; the faithful meeting with a certain group of nine people he considered cowards, who managed to open his eyes to his naivety and over trusting; the living hell that was the war· a war lost from the start that costed the lives of many friends and comrades, as well as his leg; meeting the woman he would marry and have a family with.

‘Mr Sakuma, you have visitors.’ The voice of a nurse entering the room brought him back to reality.

Behind her, there were three children, two boys and a girl, and a young woman.

‘Grandpa!’ shouted the children and run towards him.

‘How you’re feeling, father?’ the young woman asked.

‘I’m fine dear! There is nothing to worry about.’

‘Miss! The doctor would like to see you outside. ’ the nurse re-entered the room and addressed to the young woman.

‘Coming right up!’ she replied and turned to the children.’ You, wait here for me and don’t bother grandpa too much! Alright?’

‘Don’t worry dear! They don’t bother at all!’ Said the old man.

‘Grandpa, tell us a story!’ The youngest boy yelled happily.

‘Yes, tell about how you lost your leg.’ The oldest boy suggested loudly.

‘No! Tell us about how you met grandma!’ The only girl of the group protested.

The old man chuckled. Kids nowadays sure are lively he thought.

‘How about I tell you another story, a story you never heard before?’

‘What story?’ The three children said in unison.

‘The story was about how I and some old friends solved a mystery.’

Truth be told, he hesitates to call those people friends˙ acquaintances would be a more appropriate term˙ but they were the ones who changed his worldview. And this story was the catalyst for this.

Of course, he cut some things out, like the fact his ‘friends’ were a top secret spy organisation and that he almost committed hara-kiri.

‘You found the thief just like that? So cool!’

‘Well, my friends did most of the work.’ The old man said humpy.

‘Come on kids, were leaving.’ The young woman called the children from outside.

‘Next time, I’ll tell you another story, alright?’ The old man promised and waved to the kids as they were leaving.

‘You’ve made a cute family, lieutenant.’ He heard a familiar voice saying.

‘Long time no see, Miyoshi. Came here to mock me or take me with you?’ And as he finished he turned around to face the young man sitting in the window shield.

He was just like he remembered him˙ well-combed red-brown hair, his beautiful cat-like eyes shining in the sunlight and his maroon suite being in perfect condition.

‘Neither.’ The young man said as he jumped down the window and started walking towards him. ‘You didn’t do anything stupid to mock you and you still have some time left. I just wanted to catch up.’

‘Well, that’s a pleasant surprise.’

‘So, I see you’ve made a family and lived a quiet life.’ The man said as he sat in the hospital bed next to him. ‘I’m actually kind of jealous.’

The old man snorted.

‘You should have thought of that before living everything behind and becoming a spy, not regretting afterwards.’

‘Don’t get me wrong· I’m not regretting anything.’ The young man reassured him. ‘Plus, you know what they say· Dead men have no regrets.’

‘I suppose you’re right.’

‘So, what have you been doing after the war? I know there must have been a penalty for the military since the war was lost.’

‘Yes, you’re right· there was. I quitted the army and became a writer.’

‘Oh, that sounds interesting.’ The other man remarked. ‘And what did you write about?’

‘About you, guys. When Lieutenant Colonel Yukki died, he left me the establishment that used to be D-agency’s headquarters. I found some reports you and the others wrote about your missions there and I used them for inspiration.’

The other man looked at him in surprise.

‘I wanted people to remember that you existed, to remember your stories˙ even if they think it’s just fiction.’

‘For someone who had called us cowards in the past, you sure care for our posthumous fame.’

‘I was young, foolish and idealistic back then. I’ve changed after all these years.’

The younger man gave him a genuine smile.

‘That’s good to hear.’ He said and looked at the window

‘That makes me think˙’, the younger man added, ‘Do you happen to know what happened to the others?’

The old man smiled bitterly.

‘They all left.’ He said. ‘It started with you, when your tracks were lost in Germany. A few months later, Amari’s tracks were lost in Hawaii and a letter arrived by him a couple of months later with his registration and a photo of him with a little girl.’

Miyoshi remembered that the man in question was quite the ladies’ man˙ it made him wonder if he fathered accidentally a child.

‘Tazaki’s tracks were lost in Russia and Fukumoto’s in Shanghai.’ The old man continued. ‘Kaminaga had the bad luck to be in Hiroshima for a mission the day the Bomb fell. Only me, Jistui and Hatano remained until the end˙ after Yukki’s death, I never heard of them again.’

Miyoshi gave him an acknowledging nod and a bitter smile.

‘I have to go now.’ The young man replied. ‘The next time we meet I’ll take you along.’

The younger man greeted him as he disappeared into thin air.

See you soon then, old friend. Sakuma though as he closed his eyes.

#Sonia's writing #my fanfiction #joker game #sakuma #Miyoshi #sakumiyo

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trade-baby-blues · 7 years

Text

Push to Shove

Pairing: Leonard x Reader (loosley lol)

Word Count: 1649

Warnings: probably some swearing, some angst, poor lifestyle i guess

A/N: This was 100% self-indulgent sorry not sorry. I’ve been having a really rough time at work and none of my friends really understand that I can’t just quit my job bc. 1. I need money to pay bills and 2. I want to be able to use this place as a reference so I didn’t just waste the last four years of my life. So this fic is a Modern AU kind of thing that was really just here for me to vent. Not proofread so sorry if there are mistakes.

There are few sounds as grating as the scream of an alarm clock tearing you away from peaceful dreams. You glared daggers at it as if that would silence it and allow you to return to the warm arms wrapping tighter around your waist. You knew you couldn't. With a groan, you pushed yourself out of bed, out of the safety of Leonard’s arms, and prepped yourself for another day in the office.

It was routine now. Get up, get coffee. Spill it on your shirt and change clothes so frantically you forget about the coffee and end up having to buy a cup on your way to work anyway. Your boss chastised you for being late, and you promised it wouldn't happen again (though you both knew it was a lie). Then you’d get to work and start your tasks for the day, usually cleaning and filing, and, if you were lucky, you’d get a lunch break in four hours. Of course, you’d never been very lucky.

Your stomach growled as your shift turned into a double which turned into an all-nighter when your boss asked you to review some paperwork for him as he left for the day, promising you the day of tomorrow. The thought of a whole day spent in your bed was the only thing that kept you through the slog of papers on your desk but when the sun finally poked its head through your office window and your boss made his way in, he sighed and asked you to come to his office. You followed him in, wondering what about your performance he could have found flaw with, but then he poured you a cup of coffee and you braced yourself for what you knew was coming. Can you cover a shift today? Is there no one else? Well, yes but you're the best. We’ll give you a bonus on your next paycheck. Well, I guess one more shift couldn't hurt. I’ll still have the afternoon off. Great, thanks so much. This is why you're the best. You smiled weakly at your boss, wishing for a moment that the bags under your eyes were as designer as the one he carried with him to work. Maybe then you could sell them for enough to be able to quit this job.

The hours blended together until finally you finished your work (your colleagues work, you reminded yourself) and made it home. Leonard wasn't home, yet, but he’d left you a note and dinner in the fridge but you were too tired to enjoy either. You dropped your purse on the floor and flopped down onto the bed, the ache in your bones finally lessening as you sank into the mattress. Every nerve in your body fought you as you pleaded with your brain to make your arms move. You should take your shoes off. You should get undressed. It would only mean more work later if you didn't, but maybe a quick nap couldn't hurt….

A shrill buzzing jolted you awake. Digging the palms of your hands into your eyes, you tried to rub away the tiredness. It was a battle to open your eyelids again, and in the end you conceded, allowing yourself to fall back against the pillows as the alarm continued to screech on. You couldn't remember how you’d gotten under the covers let alone how or when you’d put on your pajamas. And when had that stain on the ceiling been fixed? You swore it was there yesterday, or maybe last week, last month, last year? Everything seemed to blend together in your life now and the edges of your vision blurred to as your eyes fell shut again, the screeching of the alarm clock no match for the weariness in your soul.

Leonard rolled over with an exasperated sigh and all but knocked the alarm clock off your night stand. He hovered over you and brushed a lock of hair from your cheek but still you did not move. Finally, he pressed a kiss to your forehead and bade you get up before leaving bed to make breakfast. When had he gotten home? It seemed like you couldn't remember anything anymore.

“Is everything okay,” Leonard asked, peeking out at you from the other side of the newspaper. You hummed in response, stirring your tea. “You've been stirring that tea for ten minutes. Not to mention you put Sriracha on your toast not jelly.”

“No I didn't,” you scoffed, lifting the bread to smell it. You grimaced. That was definitely not jelly. You scowled and dropped the toast back on your plate, too tired to even care. You took a sip of your tea but it was cold. “You love being right, don't you?”

Leonard knew not to take offense. You liked mornings about as much as a root canal. “I’m just worried about you, sugar. You’re working yourself too hard and what about art school? I thought you were looking to apply again.”

“No, I’m happy at work.”

“Then why are you hiding brochures in the nightstand?”

You snapped your head up, eyes wide like a deer trapped in headlights only this time the light at the end of the tunnel was Leonard and you couldn’t understand why you were so damn scared. Why did you even bother hiding them? As if the canvases and paint stains on practically every open surface of your apartment weren’t enough to clue anyone in. Maybe you didn’t want him to know because you knew Leonard would try to convince you to quit again.

You sighed, covering your face with your hands as if hiding from Leonard would help you hide from the truth in front of you. “They need me,” you whispered, though to Leonard or yourself? “I can’t just quit. They said they’d be lost without me. That I might even be up for a promotion.” You could tell by the silence that followed Leonard wasn’t convinced either.

He stood and kissed the top of your head nonetheless. “Of course they’d be lost without you. You’re the hardest worker they’ve got on staff, but even the hardest worker needs rest now and again.”

You spent the rest of the ride to work thinking about how much rest you really needed. Every cell in your body felt tired - that special kind of tired you feel from too many all-nighters. Like your life has become a stop motion film and you’re just waiting to get to that next pose, that next frame because then you’re one step closer to being done for the day. You were a puppet on a string pretending to be the puppeteer.

Work was louder than usual. The sound of keyboards clicking and computers humming drowned by laughter and commotion coming from the break room. Was it someone’s birthday already? As you entered the break room your eyes were drawn up to a banner stretched across the room like a white flag. Congratulations. So someone was getting married, you told yourself. Or pregnant. Hikaru and his husband had been trying to find a surrogate for months now. Or maybe it was a -

“Promotion,” Jim said. He’d spent enough time in desk beside across from yours to know when you were confused about something. “Turns out little Pavel over there has been busting ass while we weren’t looking, and the boss says he was the best choice when it came down to it.”

You stared at Pavel as people shook his hand and clapped him on the back. You wanted to be proud for him, but the words echoed in your mind finding the darkest corners and planting themselves there like weeds, growing over any bright thought before it even had a chance to bloom. He was the best choice. You could hear your boss saying it because he’d said the same about you not a week before. Every word was another twist of the knife and every “congratulations” made your heart feel heavier. It was a wonder it didn’t fall out of your chest and through the floor. How could they do this? Hadn’t you given enough?

Every sleepless night came rushing back to you. Every double shift you worked seemed to weigh on your joints and anchor your feet to the ground. There were so many things you could have done with your life. You could be in art school now. You could be giving lessons or painting full-time. You could be enjoying a career you love in a life you love shared with a man you love. Instead you were angry. Not just at work. At home. At Leonard. At the dog that barked outside your window at 2 a.m. At the neighbors who were moving in and hammering nails into the wall at 11 a.m. because didn’t the know you were trying to sleep? You’d always heard of looking at the past with rose-colored glasses, but your lenses seemed to be tinted red.

“Hey, you okay?” Jim nudged your arm with his to get your attention.

“I quit.”

“Tell me about it. Doesn’t matter how long we’ve been here. Pavel is young and brings ‘something new.’” Jim pulled a face hoping to draw some response from you but you said nothing. His smile faltered as you turned away from him and started towards the door. You dropped your nametag in the trash can on your way out and it was like someone had lifted a mountain off your shoulders. You didn’t even know you’d been drowning until you finally tasted air. You weren’t exactly sure what to do next. It was a big wide world out there full of opportunities for you, but, when push comes to shove, you knew Leonard would be there to support you and that alone made you feel brave enough to conquer anything that came your way.

Tags:

@daybreak96 @8bit-arc-reactor @jimtkirkisabitch @sjlovestory @kristaparadowski (sorry i totally never responded to your post but I added you to the tag list :]) @outside-the-government @martinawalker @thevalesofanduin @goingknowherewastaken @yourtropegirl @mysteriously-lost-forever @feelmyroarrrr @yukki-art @atari-writes @pabegay1 @bolontiku @brooke-taylor0323 @anotherotter

#star trek imagine #bones x reader #bones imagine #leonard mccoy x reader #leonard mccoy imagine #again very loosely lol #my fics

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6stronghands · 7 years

Text

Halloween Movies

Watched Purge: Election Year a few nights ago. Pretty dang good. Haven’t seen the other Purges, still no desire to, but this one is very decent, and very visually pleasing as well. Good performances by likeable actors playing believable characters who actually understand (and discuss onscreen) how dumb The Purge (the concept) and The Purge (the previous movies) are. Violent, but not gratuitously.

Last night I watched Cabin Fever. It was ok, I guess, but a bit weak and messily self indulgent. Kind of a letdown, esp after years of hype. The kid on the porch who kept biting everyone was funny and the shopkeeper was good, but that was one of the only highlights. I hadn’t realized how many Cabin Fever references were in Tucker and Dale Fight Evil and Cabin In The Woods (Tucker and Dale is a vastly superior movie on any level, watch that instead). The cast was bland and unlikable. And a movie called Cabin Fever should be claustrophobic and tense, and it just wasn’t. I feel like Eli Roth has good movie potential, if only he could work with a really mature and strong producer or editor. He needs discipline or he forgets about plot and character development and just goes hard for gore. I guess I’m not really recommending it, and shouldn’t include it here. But I’m obv still thinking about it after viewing it.

Splinter is everything Cabin Fever was trying to be. Set in an isolated gas station, the characters are interesting before they’re trapped, and the simple but effective plotting and pacing keeps them interesting. Not overly gory, and it doesn’t lose its way with lot of stereotypes and weaknesses that many scary movies fall into. Starts small, stays focused to great effect.

Ava’s Possession was a funny, well thought out idea, and the lead actress was watchable and very solid, but the pacing was so ruiniously slooooow. The main character arc rises above simple metaphor though, her internal resolution is a good one. But again, slow so slow.

The Invitation. Tense, with some unexpected developments, which is always good. Dinner party that starts out uncomfortably and gets worse. Recommended for sure.

He Never Died. Henry Rollins plays the oldest demon, a formerly violent and murderous one who now tries to stay off the grid and just sleep all day and stay out of trouble. It’s perfect casting, is what I’m saying here. This movie is small and weird and I just really dig it so very much. Put retired punk rockers in more movies, please. I would devote my life to a franchise about our boy Hank sighing tiredly before lifting his fists to take apart another deserving bad guy.

The Village gets a lot of totally justifiable criticism, but just listen for a second. This movie scared me, because when I was little, I had years of nightmares about being stalked by a wolfish, mannish monster that looked exceedingly similar to the Village monster. So I have no objectivity on this one. I cannot tell you how upsetting it is to block out a childhood horror only to see a close facsimile onscreen. I feel like with some reworking, Variations of a Theme on The Village could be solidly pertinent of late. Not recommending, just sharing, and now we’re closer because of it, you’re welcome.

Byzantium is beautifully filmed, and a good and original take on vampires. The mother/daughter relationship is sensitively and intelligently done. The vampires are dangerous, smart, and sad. I liked the characters, the writing was good, the ending was solid.

Only Lovers Stay Alive. This isn’t scary, but it’s Hiddleston and Swinton as a devoted vampire couple, in a movie partially set in modern Detroit, with an incredible original soundtrack. She’s into books, he’s into music, they’re into each other. It’s like the best fan fic ever. Ever.

Stake Land. Really like this vampire movie. It’s got a Western Gothic feel and the two leads are quietly terrific. It feels realistic and personal. And it’s wonderful to see terrifying aspects of this genre without the director being focused on gross - out images. Vampires aren’t scary because they’re yukky; they’re scary because they’re senseless, unpredictable life-eaters. Stake Land understands this.

Monsters. Love love love. Well filmed, with interesting characters, a small but solid plot, and the monsters are awesome. Just wonderful. (Avoid the sequel at all costs, btw).

The Host. Very fun monster movie, very engaging and likeable protagonist.

The Void. What a pleasant surprise this was. Started a little slow, built to insanity, and kept me guessing. I’m glad I didn’t know anything about the plot before watching. Not overly violent or gross, which is important to me. It’s hard to find good scary movies when I hate gratuitous gore and violence, so this was a happy discovery.

Troll Hunter. Adore this one. The trolls are in fact frightening, the pacing is good, and the movie has perfect pitch re: a certain kind of older, stoic, badass Scandinavian man. Showed it to my dad, told him they made a movie about him. He watched without much comment, but silently approved in his older, stoic, badass Danish way.

#scary movies #horror #halloween movies #recommended movies #personal #halloween #october

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itinerantscribe-blog · 5 years

Text

Day 16 of 28

I say there are no side effects of what seems to me a relatively straightforward procedure, but what is this lack of sleep business if not a side effect? I am exhausted by 9pm, I find myself craving the couch, a couch in a room normally subjugated to passing fancy by the kitchen that entertains me until bedtime, onto which I drop heavily as the oppressive yoke of fatigue holds me fast in its stranglehold. There I remain, 20, 25 minutes until no longer can I resist the call of a more permanent nocturnal abode, forcing myself to my feet to make the arduous 10 yards to my cot. Sleep comes easily, but so too does reveille, not more than 5 hours later. I try to re-enter the unconscious world, but the door is locked to me, I have been thrust out, exiled to another day of yearning for another night. It is extraordinary. Can it be lack of beer? Surely the attendant lack of sugar must also play some part, but I have not excluded sugar entirely. Not at all.

I am craving blueberry muffin. It is a sugar craving. No doubt. Lack of sleep allying itself with lack of beer to deliver with emphatic force the need. I leave home early in search of one fresh, not packaged, oh no, some standards must stand inviolable. All I find at the first shop is failure and disappointment. A different flavour perhaps? No thanks very much! A croissant maybe? Not a chance! I am wasting time, I will phone first. No luck second attempt. Nor third. My God, why is it so hard to get a blueberry muffin in this town? Plebs. I am about to give up. Do you sell blueberry muffins? Yes? Great! You have no idea how many places don’t. I have given up beer for 2 weeks you see, I am craving a blueberry muffin for some reason. Through my smiling eyes I see I have shared more information than necessary. They don’t care, why would or should they? I sound like an old idiot. But they need to be careful with that poorly disguised sneer, I am being polite, but I still have teeth. I walk homewards, my prize safely deposited and ready for my total attention. I will pass my regular coffee haunt, I will stop I decide. I feel so placid, so calm. My delight at crossing the road with hands nowhere near my chest is subdued by this aura of tranquillity that has appeared from no-where.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hlaqkqf2DPw

It is still early, the place is populated by only a pair of souls. I sit outside, drink in the fresh air and watch the man walking towards me. He holds a cigarette, more than half smoked, tailor made not roll up, and I wonder if he will pull hard once more before discarding the dying butt. He sees not my observation, as ever sun shielded spectacles wonderful concealment for nomadic eyes. The man is early 40′s perhaps, I am a poor judge, balding asymmetrically. His face is ashen and wan and pallid, and this I have no doubt, is a consequence of his habit. His habit is killing him. He is wearing a suit minus the jacket, and as often the case for those who dress out of uniform compulsion rather than free will or free spirited design, his shoes are poorly maintained, unpolished and scuffed. Each to his own I think, as though my judgement matters. He walks past as my coffee arrives and I imagine a roll up in my own hand, like days long since gone, coffee and smokes and Roman mornings. I suddenly want a roll up, I visualise myself. It fits. Oh my, I really want one. It is association, nothing more. I settle on blueberry muffin microwaved for 40 seconds and smothered with cream.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCxFY1wyDTE

My young friend has been confused recently, but today I am confused.We are not confused about the same things however, I am very clear why I have embarked on this voyage of abstinence. No, my confusion is embedded in some farrago of tangled up stuff. See, my anxiety is never far away when out and about when I am in drinking mode. All the drinking does is allow me to hop from staging post to staging post (watering hole to watering hole may be more apt) to facilitate any outdoor expedition undertaken. However, I am still anxious, it’s just suppressed. That said, I am anxious when I exit if not in drinking mode but at least go out without the anaesthetic alluded to above. And then the fatigue, the lack of sleep of course adds to the melting pot since even the most well adjusted individual may feel a little shaky with a prolonged exposure to sleep deprivation. So here’s the confusion. I don’t really want to experiment with the normal mechanisms I have employed in the past until I am sure that the cause of the anxiety is not a temporary reason, eg sleep deprivation. Nor do I want to experiment until I am sure I am clear of all beer influence. I am sure you can see why. The last two would mislead me and distort the results of my experiment since they should pass on their own without the need for recourse to my emergency kit bag. If the anxiety remains once they are dispelled, which it has to date, then I can be sure this is the anxiety, whatever its unknown origin, that is the true culprit and thereby validate the results of my experiment. See what I mean?

However, I’ve been dodging school for a few days, so perhaps I should anticipate the passing of the two lesser potential suspects, and introduce one mechanism which continues to intrigue me and which I believe does offer some remedy to this wretched ailment. Transactional analysis. Eric Berne. I have mentioned this before, I know, but it refuses to recuse itself. You know how it works I’m sure, adult mode, child and parent modes too, states repeating themselves from childhood and family dynamics, the ideal state to seek the adult? Well, this can be extended a little, in my opinion of course, and can be combined with Gestalt approaches to inner child. See, whenever I undergo an ‘episode’, be it in an airport terminal, a big supermarket, walking along the road, despite the unpleasantness of the episode itself, it always reminds me of a child, a frightened child or perhaps a child throwing a tantrum. I recall the first time I took my son on an overground chuffa train. Oh my god! I swear if his wobbly wasn’t identical to a panic attack!!! In the midst of my concern for him, I couldn’t help but notice this, intellectually you understand, since it so resonated with my adult condition. But this was a child! A 2 year old or maybe 3 if memory serves me. He wasn’t throwing some sulky fit, he wasn’t possessed of some agenda, we were having a lovely day up until that moment. Suddenly, he was scared, innocent fear displayed by the very young when presented with the unknown and potential lurking danger, authentic, instinctive, subliminal reasons for anxiety. Well naturally, I didn’t hesitate in acting, consoling and re-assuring him, explaining in soft tones the normality of the event and its risk free, harmless nature. Once assured, he calmed down, and whilst remaining temporarily apprehensive, his fears were dispelled without time to inseminate some seed of phobia which might one day blossom into residing and terror inducing anxiety for an older version of his young self.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGZgbta764

This was an illuminating and highly instructive episode indeed, and made me consider my own position then and now. It is clearly not me, the rational adult that is panicked by a high ceiling, or an open space or an everyday street, since I can clearly see there is no danger, no reason to go into high charged, adrenaline fuelled mode. Why could it not be then, some other force inside me, an irrational object, a scared entity, a child like thing? This to me makes a great deal of sense, and I have on occasion, entered Berne’s adult state right in the midst of an event and challenged my inner child, asked it to show me the danger, provide me with proof, and then I have consoled it and re-assured it, and mentally clasped its hand and told it I would look after it. Sounds mad, doesn’t it? Even as I read what I write, sounds mad and yet, and yet, there is also a sense of welling melancholy, sadness, this is the Gestalt element, loving the inner child. You know, it has worked previously. Not always but I don’t try so often that I can speak with definitive knowledge whether the results would be longer lasting and consistently successful. But it has worked, I have felt the ‘child’s’ fear diminish, I have felt a wave of relief with my gentle and soothing words directed to this scared inner being. It is so plausible. Explains so much. Perhaps I am so desperate to find a solution that I don’t want to put it to the test with too much frequency unless this postulation proves to be entirely vacuous and without credence. I think I am going to give Berne and Gestalt another try. Is it too flimsy, too sucrose plated a position, too liberal and welcome to the new world bohemian yukkiness, to be credible? Draw your own conclusions....

Ps Do you think it’s my inner child that likes to drink beer or do you think my inner child is rejoicing with the current state of affairs? Hmm, I wonder...

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trade-baby-blues · 7 years

Text

Rome’s in Ruin

Pairing: Leonard McCoy x Reader

Word Count: 1725

Warnings: death mention, so much angst

A/N: Written for the lovely @outside-the-government‘s birthday challenge with the prompt “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I can’t believe I actually got it done early. Also sorry it’s so angsty!!! I’m in an angsty mood tonight. Hopefully you like it anyway my dear <3

It had been days since you’d last seen Leonard. You messaged him a few times, but you knew he was swamped in Medbay after a chemical spill in the science labs led to an explosion which cracked the hull. Luckily, the crew managed to evacuated the deck before any massive damage occurred, and you and Scotty were already working tirelessly to fix it. You were sure Leonard was working just as hard in Medbay, but that didn’t mean you didn’t miss him beside you in bed at night.

Four days post-explosion and all the damage that could be repaired in the air had been fixed. Jim had already redirected the ship to Risa, the closest Federation planet, for repairs. You knew you wouldn’t be planet side for more than a few days, but a few days on the beach with Leonard McCoy in your arms sounded like heaven right now. You were on your way to tell him when you heard his voice echoing down the hall.

“Don’t tell me I did everything I could. If I’d done everything I could he’d still be alive, damn it.”

You froze in the hallway at the sound of Leonard yelling. He stalked out of Medbay, hands balled into fists at his side as he stomped down the hall. His brow was furrowed and his hair stuck up at odd angles, no doubt from running his hands through it as he stressed over charting. You wanted to reach up and smooth it out, but Leonard didn’t so much as glance at you as he stormed down the hall. A nurse poked her head out to call after Leonard, but he was already out of earshot.

“What happened,” you asked. The nurse sighed and dropped her gaze. You felt a pit growing in your stomach, knowing what was coming next.

“An Ensign died. One of his wounds got infected and we didn’t catch it in time. He went into septic shock.”

You cast a fleeting glance down the hall where Leonard had vanished before putting a hand on the nurse’s shoulder. You offered her a small smile. “I’ll go talk to him.” She squeezed your hand before ducking back into Medbay.

It didn’t take you long to find Leonard leaning on the counter in your shared quarters, eyes closed with a glass of Scotch in his hand. He couldn’t have been in the room more than 10 minutes, but you could see the bottle was already considerably empty. You walked towards him carefully, not knowing exactly what to say. If there was even anything you could say. In the end, you chose to keep quiet, taking the glass from his hand and linking his fingers with your own. You brought his hand up to your lips and kissed it gently.

You weren’t sure how long you sat like that: Leonard’s fingers against your lips as you rubbed circles on the soft skin of his hand with your thumb. You watched him, noted the tension slowly seeping out of his shoulders. His jaw unclenching. The vein in his neck going back into hiding. Finally, he sighed heavily and sat down on the barstool, pulling his hands from your grasp and wringing them over the countertop.

You scooted your stool closer to him and rested your hand on his back. You pressed your lips to his shoulder, taking a second to breathe him in. “Talk to me, baby.” Leonard didn’t speak at first, and you didn’t push him. He was still wringing his hands, so you placed yours gently on top of his in a vain attempt to calm him down. You felt him tense slightly beside you, and when you looked at him again his hazel eyes were distant and watery. When you spoke again, it was barely a whisper. “I know about the ensign.”

Leonard shut his eyes and sucked in a shaky breath. He laced his fingers through yours again, squeezing more tightly than was comfortable. He licked his lips and it felt like every nerve ending in your body was on fire as you waited for him to finally speak. You had already run through a slew of conversations on your way here in an attempt to think of the best way to comfort Leonard, but nothing in the entire universe could have prepared you for the desperation and sheer brokenness of Leonard’s voice as he said, “I ruin everything.”

It was like someone had opened an air lock, because all the air left your body. Your mind emptied. All you could do was stare at Leonard as his shoulders shook and sobs left his body. He’d lost patients before. Hell, he’d lost Jim and you hadn’t seen him this torn up. His hands left yours as he buried his face in his palms. Between breaths, you could hear Leonard whispering, “I couldn’t save him.”

As an Engineer, you were normally cool under pressure, but sitting in your kitchen watching the man you loved sob sent your brain into red alert. You opened and closed your mouth as you tried to come up with something to say besides the cliche “He’s in a better place.” Another sob wracked Leonard’s normally sturdy frame and you said the only thing that came to mind: “It’s gonna be okay.” You quickly realized that was the wrong thing to say.

Leonard draw his arm back and swiped his Scotch glass off the counter, sending it flying across the room before it shattered across the floor. As he swung, his arm came around and caught you across the face, knocking you off the bar stool and onto the floor. He froze as you quickly pushed yourself up onto your hands and knees. He was beside you in an instant.

“I’m sorry, sugar. Shit, I am so sorry.” You could tell he was on the verge of sobbing again as he pulled you onto his lap on the floor.

“I’m fine, Len,” you said as he caressed your cheek with expert hands. When he was satisfied there was no damage there, he ran his hands down your arms to your wrists.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, baby girl. Christ, I’m such a damn mess.” He dropped his head back against the counter with a thud. He pinched his eyes shut, and you could tell he was no longer talking to you. “Ruin everything I touch. Ruined things with Jocelyn. Ruined things with Joanna and now I hit the only girl in the universe who can stand me.”

“It was an accident, Leonard.”

He continued as if he hadn’t heard you. His voice became more strained as tears choked him again. “Always thought maybe I was meant to be a doctor not a husband or a father. Thought even though I couldn’t make Joce happy I could still do some good in this world, but I couldn’t even save an Ensign from a damn infection. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save Ji-” Another sob ripped from Leonard’s throat before he could finish Jim’s name.

Your heart broke in your chest as you watched Leonard crumble in front of you. He buried his face in his hands again. Of course he was still upset about Jim’s death. He never talked about it but, God, you should’ve known Leonard was still torn up about it. You turned around so you were straddling Leonard’s legs now and grabbed onto his wrists. You needed to do something, to say something that would help the man who’d spent the last two years holding you up, worshipping you. Realistically, you knew there was nothing you could say to fix him. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but you wanted to help Leonard set the first brick to build himself back up.

As gently as you could, you pried Leonard’s hands away from his face. “Look at me,” you whispered. When he didn’t, you cleared your throat and spoke more firmly. “Leonard McCoy, look at me now.” After a second, he cracked his eyes open and looked weakly up at you. Tears still dripped from his eyes and his shoulders still shook. Your gaze softened, and you ran your thumb across his cheek. “Leonard McCoy, you are the best doctor I’ve ever seen, and you did save Jim.”

“I didn’t-” Leonard started, but you pressed a finger to his lips to shut him up.

“You did, Len. You not only saved him, but you performed a goddamn miracle saving him. I know you want to save everyone, but take a second to think about it. There were 10 people directly affected by the blast and at least two dozen others who had minor burns or smoke inhalation. Out of all those people, only one of them died.”

“He had a wife. A daughter. He had people waiting for him back home.”

“So do all of the others and they’re alive because of you and your team. Leonard. You’re not just a doctor. You’re a hero. You’re my hero. You haven’t ruined anything.” You stroked Leonard’s hair, letting silence settle between the two of you. His hands made their way to your hips and he rubbed circles against them through the thin material of your shirt. He dropped his eyes, feeling small and unworthy under the intensity of the love and kindness in your gaze. You put a finger under his chin as you tried to coax his eyes to yours again.

“What do you say to some sleep, big guy?” Leonard nodded and you stood, pulling him up with you. Before you turned to walk away, Leonard pulled you against him, wrapping you tightly in his arms. He buried his face in the crook of your neck and inhaled deeply. He loved your scent: like cherry blossoms and engine grease with a faint tang of sweat. Leonard closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy the feel of you against him - so soft and sweet and so unconditionally his. For a moment, Leonard felt clarity in your arms.

“Thank you,” he breathed so quietly you weren’t sure if you’d simply imagined it. He pulled away without another word and led you to bed, only stopping long enough to kick off his boots before lying down and falling asleep against your chest, your heartbeat filling his dreams and tinting them gold.

Tags:

@daybreak96 @8bit-arc-reactor @jimtkirkisabitch @sjlovestory

@outside-the-government @martinawalker @thevalesofanduin @goingknowherewastaken @yourtropegirl @trekken81 @feelmyroarrrr @yukki-art @atari-writes @pabegay1 @bolontiku @brooke-taylor0323

#jules' birthday challenge #is that the right tag?? idr #star trek imagine #leonard mccoy x reader #leonard mccoy imagine #bones x reader #bones imagine #my fics #only mildly inspired by personal stuff #I'm bones tho tbh

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