#Martin's still short to me.... Other than that I agree with the common design. He deserves to be 5'6

[the-magpie-archives]

I didn't actually look at TMA stuff on tumblr until I'd finished the last season so I had absolutely no idea about the popular designs for the characters and I'd been picturing Martin as really short in contrast to Jon.

Seeing the fanon design was like a friend bringing over their partner who they've always described as 'smol' and being greeted by a 6'2 hunk.

[nextwarden]

Webtoons are good for the soul PART II - ECLECTIC BOOGALOO

A continuation of this.

Sea Salt and Sand by neggut [ongoing]

In the autumn holidays 3 months ago, Brynn and Bailey shared a kiss. When Bailey left, Brynn tried to forget all about her and continue living an unremarkable life, only for Bailey to suddenly transfer to her school! What follows is a coming of age story full of pining, misunderstandings and confusion as Brynn and Bailey question the true nature of their relationship. 

It’s cute and a bit angsty but not too much. The art style often feels incomplete or rushed but in a good way, its flaws give character to the characters and the story. One of my all time favourites.

Apathy meets labrador/10

Dragonbourne by Gummy Shark [ongoing]

After a troubled past, Sir Ross Edmund Avery is somewhat content to lead a mundane existence, alone in his house. However, when he stumbles upon a child in the woods on Solstice Night who is anything but mundane, his simple life will be turned upside down.

A scar(r)ed man adopts a feral child, hijinks ensue. Once again, the art style is endearing, full of curves and long lines. Haven’t checked on that one in a while but the first twenty chapters were very promising.

Found family/10

The Last Human by Zack Jordan [ongoing]

She's the galaxy's worst nightmare: a Human. Fortunately, she's the last one. Now her adoptive (alien) mother is realizing that raising a young Human is no easy task.

Basically the badass and child duo trope but the truth may surprise you. Fun, cute, very wholesome, and surprisingly emotionnaly philosophical at times. Spidermom is best mom.

Recommend/10

Vampire Husband by Scragony [ongoing]

The life of Charles the Vampire an Cheryl the human after years of marriage.

What if tragic romance between human and vampire but they had their “happy-ever-after”? This is after. It’s funny and cute.

Relationship goals/10

Blood Stain by sigeel [ongoing]

A story about courage, growing up and finding friendships in most unlikely places... spiced with some MAD SCIENCE! 

Haven’t quite wrapped my head around this one yet, but it’s fun and drawn by sigeel (a.k.a. Linda Sejic) so of course it’s beautiful. Enjoyed it a lot, will have to keep reading.

Bloody merry/10

Punderworld by sigeel [ongoing - on hiatus]

Hades' and Persephone's love-struck misadventures.

Another take on Hades and Persephone’s love story. Once again, sigeel, so of course I love the art.

Bumbling idiots/10

The Queen and the Woodborn by Shiniez [ongoing]

Far away behind seven hills and seven forests, seven fields and seven rivers, there lived a Queen... welcome to the queen and the woodborn. a fairy tale romance for the mature readers about the unseen Queen and the Goddess in the woods. a tale of the two forgotten by the world around them who will make the world remember their names. expect gods and monsters and a romance for the ages.

Not many chapters yet but very long ones to compensate. This one is by Shiniez (a.k.a. Stjepan Sejic) so, once again, love the art. The story, the character designs and concepts, and the pace are all amazing.

Very wow/10

P.E.T.S. by Gyxks [ongoing]

Just when Tasha was about to start a new life, she was abducted by aliens. Fortunately, she and other humans were rescued by an interstellar general named Tourmaline. She soon discovered that her body was unfit to return home without endangering life on earth. Join her on her journey traversing this new world and these new feelings for an alien general. 

POV: You’re living your best life as a young adult, at the shopping mall at 2am in your pyjamas, when suddenly death aliens rain pain all around and you’re abducted only to be saved by tall buff alien commander lady. Romance ensues. Maybe, it’s slow burn but quite enjoyable to read.

Blush/10

Scoob and Shag by Misterie Krew [ongoing]

Scoob and his best pal Shag are up to their usual hi-jinks, but everything is not as it seems in their latest adventure. 

No relations to any character whatsoever. None. None at all. Also no relations to any kind of sense at all either. Can’t quite explain that one except that it’s genius. Just read it.

Is that a gun?/10

Bewitched by peachyytown [ongoing]

The witch who keeps "kidnapping" the princess is actually her girlfriend and they're just going on dates.

Short but cute alternative take on all that witch/monster/princess shenanigans. In the same vein as Our days in Lumain. Also the art is very nice.

Meetcute/10

When the Pink Trees Bear Fruit by neggut [completed]

A sweet love blooms between two women on an orchard in 1973.

A short story, five chapters only, but play devastatingly well with one’s heart. In the same vein as It Stems From Love by Soya S. Holm. neggut ist sehr gut.

Tears/10

Rooftops & Roommates by Zaanart [ongoing]

Jeb is an architecture major at university, rooming with his best friend Todd. There's just one problem... Jeb’s secretly a gargoyle! Between studying, partying, and a bad ghost problem, will Jeb be able to keep his true identity a secret?

Jeb is sweet, Jeb is fresh, but Jeb is decidedly not very good at keeping a secret. It’s funny, slice-of-life, roommate college shenanigans at its finest. With a magical twist.

Ship/10

Everything is Fine by Mike Birchall [ongoing]

Sam and Maggie are a normal couple, in a normal house, in a normal neighborhood. There is nothing strange about their heads, their neighbors or their sweet little dog. Everything is Fine.

I haven’t actually started this one yet, but the premise is very very very interesting. Perhaps not for thos who are faint of heart? Deceptively cute. Or is it?

It’s fine/10

Castle Swimmer by Wendy Lian Martin [ongoing]

What happens when your entire life is ruled by a prophecy – your future foretold by people you’ve never met, who died long before you were born.  Such is the story of two young sea creatures.  One believed to be a guiding light for his people, a Beacon who will lead them to a bright, prosperous future.  The other is a teenage prince for who’s destiny is to KILL the Beacon so that HIS own people might thrive.  When both reject the course set for them, it leads to a raucous adventure as big and unpredictable as the ocean itself – and a romance that nobody could have predicted.

It’s fish. It’s gay. It’s under da sea and ya gotta kiss the boy. I haven’t read it all yet but enough to vouch for it and to have some vested interest in the universe and its lore.

Enemies to lovers/10

Demon Highschool by Kiiyoko [ongoing]

After a compromise it was agreed that criminals would attend a "demons highschool" where they would work as slaves for demons And while it was all in good favor, things take a very dark and twisted turn at said, highschool.

There’s something, some kind of twist, about the MC which I haven’t gotten to yet, and which I am very interested to discover. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this one as of now, mostly curious I’d say.

Pet/10

Hooky by Miriam Bonastre Tur [completed]

Dani and Dorian have missed the bus of the school of magic. Now, they must find someone who teach them how to be a great and good witches... Or maybe not.​ 

This one is a strange one about witchery and family. Surprisingly deep and serious at times, very enjoyable. Unfinished on Webtoon but a good start to get into the story.

Siblings/10

Loving Reaper by Jenny Jinya [ongoing]

Animals struggle. Pets and Wildlife alike. The reaper cares for their stories and helps them with the crossover. Short stories about the "Loving Reaper" to raise awareness and collect funds. Breaking hearts for a good cause.

Beautiful bittersweet stories about animals, pets, life and death and love.

Tissues/10

Batman: Wayne Family Adventures by StarBite, CRC Payne, Kielamel Siba, Lan Ma, C.M. Cameron, and Camille Cruz [ongoing]

Batman needs a break. But with new vigilante Duke Thomas moving into Wayne Manor and an endless supply of adopted, fostered, and biological superhero children to manage, Bruce Wayne is going to have his hands full. Being a father can't be harder than being Batman, right? 

What if Bat-family but happy? Official comic, barely started, very fun.

Wholesome/10

The First Night With the Duke by MSG, Taeva, from an original work by Hwang DoTol [ongoing]

A handsome, selfish noble falls for a beautiful, kind commoner -- at least, that’s how the story’s supposed to go. When an average college student wakes up as Ripley, an extra in her favorite romance novel, she resolves to enjoy the luxuries of her character’s status while watching the novel's plot unfold from the sidelines. However, her plans are soon derailed when she finds herself in bed with no other than Duke Zeronis, the novel’s hero! Dodging the villainess’ schemes, the Duke’s advances, and her own feelings, can Ripley keep the story on track and survive beyond the first night? 

Haven’t read that one but a very dear (and respectable) friend (*cough*  @berigolote​  *cough*) of mine keeps pestering me to give it a try. So here it is, try it.

Do it before me and you get a cookie/10

HEART Anthology by Marvin.W, caw-chan and many other artists. [ongoing]

Featuring stories from the 2020 Short Story Contest!  From wholesome stories to tearjerkers, are you ready to catch these feelings?

A collection of beautiful stories on the shorter side, all about the many kinds of love in life, the many beauties of it, and the pains that make it worth living.

Tears that warm the heart/10

In My Heart by Redfield42 [ongong]

Sasaki Mari is a typical delinquent troublemaker whose only goal is to get a boyfriend, but due to her reputation as bully and low grades, all the boys reject her. Then she decides to change her style, and asks for help from the student with the best grades in the class.

It starts off light and fund and progressively seems to delve a little bit more into the seriousness of life. Not a tragedy, however, and very much worth a read still.

I think I have a trope I like/10

My awkward princess by LazyArts [ongoing]

This love story is about a girl named Luna charlotte, and the student council president Alice Evelyn. Luna is a delinquent whom often gets in trouble, as Luna reaches the end of the line she almost gets expelled, now luna has to become a model student with the help of Alice. Will Luna be expelled or will she succeed, read to find out.

Along the lines of Not So Shoujo Love Story, In My Heart, and Susuhara is a Demon. Delinquent/Good Student meetcute, romantinc hijincks ensue.

Seduction/10

RAINBOW! by Rue & Sunny Gloom [ongoing]

This is the story of a girl named Boo. She has pink hair and a vivid imagination and she is about to discover a side of herself that she never considered before. 

Okay, so yes, this one is also also a delinquent meets cute nice girl, but - BUT! - there’s an element of story telling that I love about it: the way we see Boo’s anxiety incorporated visually into the story. Just for that it is one of my favourite recent discoveries!

Protecc/10

-----------------------

Okay, that’s all for part II. Hope you enjoy those as much as I do. Thanks for your attention, sorry for the length and, please, do keep on reading, they all deserve it! As do you.

PART I

[roseisread]

My Year in Movies: Favorite Non-2018 Feature Films (Part 3)

In case you missed it, check out part 1 and part 2! Now picking up where we left off...

28. My Cousin Vinny (1992, directed by Jonathan Lynn, country of origin: US)

I know, I know. I can’t believe it either. But I really hadn’t seen this one til just a few short months ago. Marisa Tomei is, of course, a megababe in it; and Joe Pesci wears the hell out of some ridiculous outfits as he portrays a very unconventional defense attorney trying to help his cousin and a friend beat a murder charge. I laughed and laughed and cheered and laughed some more. Best courtroom scenes I watched all year, (and I watched A Few Good Men this year so that’s saying something). If this is still a blind spot for you, or you just want to revisit it, you can rent it on Amazon for 99 cents right now. 

27. After Hours (1985, directed by Martin Scorsese, country of origin: US)

Talk about things that escalate quickly: In this movie, Griffin Dunne’s character Paul meets a fellow book lover/manic pixie dream girl type (Rosanna Arquette). However, when he accepts her invitation for a late night rendezvous at her place, she quickly turns into a manic pixie nightmare girl. By morning, Paul finds himself a fugitive on suspicion of burglary, sex crimes, and murder in a neighborhood it’s safe to say he will never visit again. It’s a more heightened, comedic take on the classic “wrongfully accused” genre, and Dunne plays every note of desperation perfectly. You can watch this for free on Vudu, or rent on other streaming platforms. 

26. The Big Clock (1948, directed by John Farrow, country of origin: US)

The Big Clock actually has a few things in common with the aforementioned After Hours--hardworking New York City guy agrees to drinks with possibly sketchy woman and winds up the prime suspect in a murder. The whole thing takes place over a 36-hour period, and as you might guess the Clock of the title is ticking. The cast is great--Ray Milland, Charles Laughton, Maureen O’Sullivan--and the film balances humor and suspense with ease. Fun fact, the movie is directed by John Farrow, father of Mia. The movie is available for online rental through Amazon, Vudu, and iTunes.

25. The Doll (1919, directed by Ernst Lubitsch, country of origin: Germany)

I adore Ernst Lubitsch, who directed The Shop Around The Corner, To Be or Not To Be, Trouble in Paradise, and Design for Living. Before his English-language talkies, however, he got his start in Germany with silent films like Die Puppe (The Doll). Starring the effervescent Ossi Oswalda (basically the silent era’s Greta Gerwig), this comic fantasy skewers romantic conventions. 

Lancelot is a young prince who must marry in order to receive his inheritance; but he’s afraid of women (or possibly gay... it’s easy to read it that way). He buys what he think is a life-like doll to deceive his family and avoid marriage to a real girl; but little does he know Ossi is actually a real girl pretending to be a doll. It’s all very silly and over the top and winking, and also one of the most hilarious and charming rom-coms this side of the Hallmark channel. The physical comedy is outstanding, the social commentary is scathing, and Ossi is the hero we didn’t know we needed. There are a few versions floating around on YouTube or you can rent it for a few bucks on Amazon. I caught it on Filmstruck during a Lubitsch spotlight, and my life has never been the same.

24. Talk To Her (2002, directed by Pedro Almodovar, country of origin: Spain)

Pedro Almodovar can take the most seemingly absurd situation or plot contrivance and draw out something truly human and moving. He excels at shining a light on damaged but compelling characters, and doing everything with such style and panache that you let your guard down completely and before you know it you’re rooting for someone you ordinarily would scoff at from a distance. This movie’s story focuses on two comatose women and their caretakers, and delves into the limits of love and consent in fascinating, disturbing ways. I had no idea where this film was going but I was with it every second. Available for rent on most online platforms.

23. Crash (1996, directed by David Cronenberg, country of origin: Canada)

From the king of body horror, David Cronenberg, comes a movie about people who find eroticism where most people would find repulsion. Based on the controversial book by J.G. Ballard, this film follows a group of people who are aroused by car accidents and the injuries that result from metal and flesh colliding. It sounds macabre and at times it is, but under the surface are deeper themes that question what is considered “normal” versus “fetish” and why bodies that are whole and untarnished are worshiped while those that have distinguishing marks are tossed aside. There’s also certainly a critique of consumerism and cars as status symbols, and probably a lot more I missed on first viewing. Who better to portray a sexual deviant than James Spader? He’s joined by Holly Hunter, Elias Koteas (you’ll never think of Casey Jones the same way again), Deborah Kara Unger, and Rosanna Arquette. This is a tough one to track down--nowhere online right now, and it’s out of print on physical media; but if you see it at a thrift store or your local library, check it out. 

22. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920, directed by Robert Wiene, country of origin: Germany)

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is one of those movies that gets referenced a lot but I still wasn’t sure exactly what to expect from this silent German Expressionist film. Sometimes watching such a revered classic can be a little daunting--will I like as much as I’m “supposed to”? Thankfully, I did. Basically all of goth culture could probably trace its lineage back to this weird, creepy, twisty film. The elaborate, off-kilter set design and mind-bending story got under my skin in the best way. I won’t say much about the plot--just watch it (on YouTube unofficially or rentable on various streaming services).

21. Duck Soup (1933, directed by Leo McCarey, country of origin: US)

My introduction to the Marx Brothers was A Night at the Opera, and I went gaga for their rapid-fire verbal gymnastics and their gonzo physical comedy. This film takes it to the next level and throws in some political satire for good measure. So many incredible, iconic routines; song and dance sequences; and dialogue that you have to watch at least 4 times to catch all the jokes. I’m officially a fan of the Marx Brothers after this. You can rent it on most streaming sources, but I’m guessing if you have a male relative over the age of 50 you could probably borrow it from their collection. It’s very popular with Dad/Uncle demographic, and I can see why.

20. They Live by Night (1948, directed by Nicholas Ray, country of origin: US)

Nicholas Ray is quickly becoming one of my all time favorite directors. Rebel Without a Cause, In a Lonely Place, Johnny Guitar, The Racket, and now They Live By Night--just stunning movies about troubled souls who don’t quite fit in with the rest of the world. This film lays the template for so many that would come after it: Young couple, good girl falls for bad boy, they go on the run from the law, love is not all you need.

When things are good, they’re really good and lead characters Keechie (Cathy O’Donnell) and Bowie (Farley Grainger) are rapturously crazy in love. But they also bicker believably when the past begins to bleed into the present, leading to one of my favorite exchanges in the film. Bowie confronts Keechie about her whereabouts, and when she informs him she’s been to the doctor “about the baby we’re gonna have,” he bursts out, “That’s all I need!” She fires back, “You don’t see me knittin’ anything, do ya?”

This is a Criterion film, so you may have to get it from the library or catch it on TCM until the Criterion streaming service launches later this spring. Either way, it’s a must-watch, especially if you love movies like Badlands and Bonnie and Clyde.

19. Paprika (2006, directed by Satoshi Kon, country of origin: Japan)

Look, I love Inception as much as the next person, but now that I’ve seen Paprika I must admit Christopher Nolan owes a major debt to Satoshi Kon for the way he portrays dreams and reality intersecting in uncanny ways. The difference is Satoshi Kon did it with much more weirdness and color and unsettling body horror. Don’t ask me to explain this movie, I’m not even 100% sure it can be unraveled all the way into a linear structure; but it is zany and wonderful in the best way. There’s no Tom Hardy but there is a girl who turns into a butterfly and a band of frogs and a creepy clown and a really fat guy who’s in love with the smart scientist lady... I’m telling you, you gotta see this thing. You can stream it for free on Crackle; otherwise it’s a $2.99 rental from Amazon and Vudu.

18. Good Time (2017, directed by the Safdie Brothers, country of origin: US)

If you missed this in 2017, PLEASE watch it now. Robert Pattinson gives his career best performance as a fast talking petty criminal trying to get his mentally handicapped brother out of jail after making him an accomplice to his own crimes. The soundtrack by Oneohtrix Point Never combined with the Safdie Brothers mesmerizing cinematography make for a hypnotic, propulsive viewing experience. Newcomer Taliah Webster delivers an excellent supporting performance as an unwitting sidekick partway through the film. Watch for free on Amazon Prime or rent on Vudu or YouTube.

17. Cleo From 5 to 7 (1962, directed by Agnes Varda, country of origin: France)

My first foray into the filmography of Agnes Varda, and I loved it. Cleo, a French pop singer, spends a couple hours trying to distract herself from anxiety and dread as she awaits the results of a biopsy. She buys a hat, plays with her kittens, and argues with her male collaborators over song choices. 

Eventually she meets a stranger and they walk around Paris in a vignette that almost certainly influenced Richard Linklater’s entire milieu. Cleo mulls her possible fate and concludes “as long as I’m beautiful, I’m alive”--a notion Blondie would later reference in their tongue in cheek tune “Die Young, Stay Pretty.” But as much as she is fixated on her appearance, she finds herself struggling to be taken seriously by men who dismiss her because of her beauty. 

Special shout out to Michel Legrand, who we learned today has left the mortal plane: He composed the lovely score for this film and also appears in it as Cleo’s pianist.

I watched this on the now-defunct Filmstruck, but it’s part of the Criterion Collection so your best bet is probably getting it from the library or waiting for it to show up when Criterion’s streaming service launches later this spring.

16. Happy Together (1997, directed by Wong Kar-Wai, country of origin: Hong Kong)

Wong Kar-Wai captures unfulfilled romantic longing on film better than just about anyone. If you’ve seen In the Mood for Love or Chungking Express you already know this. Happy Together turns the director’s eye once again toward people on a collision course of love, lust, and disfunction. Leslie Cheung (RIP) and Tony Leung portray a couple hoping their toxic relationship will hit the reset button with a change of scenery when they relocate from Hong Kong to Argentina. At times their passion manifests as tenderness, as in a moving dance sequence; other times, volatility erupts into violence. When one of them meets someone new, the possibility of a simpler, sweeter kind of love  offers an alternative to the cycle of codependency and betrayal. This one is out of print right now on DVD, but check your local library or used movie store and you may get lucky.

15. La Dolce Vita (1960, directed by Federico Fellini, country of origin: Italy)

You’ve got sumptuous Italian vistas, Marcello Mastroianni being gorgeous, Anita Ekberg dancing in the fountain, and a bunch of hedonism that leads down a path of inevitable emptiness and/or destruction. Personally, I prefer this one to Fellini’s 8 1/2--it’s filled with  so many scenes that could work as stand alone short films; and there’s more humor and exuberance here than in his better known, meta film experience. The 174 minute runtime may seem intimidating but for me it flew by. Available with Filmbox on Amazon right now, also part of the Criterion Collection.

14. Cooley High (1975, directed by Michael Schultz, country of origin: US)

If you’ve enjoyed movies like Dazed and Confused, American Graffiti, Boyz N the Hood, or even Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, you should really watch Cooley High. Filmed in Chicago, it follows a group of friends in high school as they skip class in favor of visiting the Lincoln Park zoo, recite poetry, go to parties, make out with girls, get into fights, and navigate the tenuous border between youth and adulthood. Full of laughs, heart, and clear-eyed realism in place of the occasional sentimentality that seeps into movies about “young folks,” this must-see of Black cinema influenced independent filmmakers like Spike Lee and Quentin Tarantino. You can rent it on Vudu, or pick up a physical copy on Blu-ray or DVD.

13. Poltergeist (1982, directed by Tobe Hooper, country of origin: US)

Out of all the major blindspots I caught up with in 2018, this is the one that both impressed me the most and made me wonder why it took me this long to see it. I think I just assumed that it would be super cheesy or super scary or somehow both? Needless to say, I was wrong. It’s a blast! Funny, scary (but in a way I loved), original, and one of the best portrayals of family I’ve seen on screen. I now plan to watch this at least once a year to celebrate Halloween the same way that I watch Independence Day on July 4th, Elf/Jingle All the Way/Christmas Vacation at Christmas, and Nightmare Before Christmas/Donnie Darko for Halloween. I’m sure that everyone else in the world has seen it, but if you by some chance have not, go watch it right now! It’s available for rent on YouTube, Amazon, and GooglePlay.

12. Arthur (1981, directed by Steve Gordon, country of origin: US)

This one really surprised me. I became vaguely aware of its existence around the release of the terribly reviewed Russell Brand version; but no idea what to expect when I impulsively clicked the “watch now” button on Filmstruck. At first, Dudley Moore came across as an obnoxious drunken boor, but as I kept watching I realized the levels to his character went much deeper than it seemed at first. John Gielgud immediately won me over as Arthur’s butler Hobson, who loves Arthur like a son despite his many shenanigans. Then Liza Minnelli shows up on screen and isn’t she cute as a button! If you only know her as Lucille II from Arrested Development, you really owe it to yourself to see her in her heyday. You might not think Buster is so crazy for embracing “our nausea.” 

This movie became one of my favorite romantic comedies, in some ways a Cinderella story and in some ways a coming of age story and in most ways something wholly original. It’s a very special film, and deserves a wider audience among today’s movie fans. It’s a $1.99 rental on most platforms right now, so you have no excuse.

11. McCabe & Mrs. Miller (1971, directed by Robert Altman, country of origin: US)

I knocked out a few Altman films last year, and they were all good but this one was my favorite. I’m not always a fan of Westerns, but this one, which finds Julie Christie’s Madam teaming up with Warren Beatty’s Gambler to open a brothel, well, it’s different. I have a feeling Altman (and maybe his cast) watched Johnny Guitar, an earlier entry on my list, because this is another case in which a powerful woman with a mind for business upends the natural order of things (aka men being in charge). 

The writing here is wonderful, especially the dialogue, which includes such gems as “You know how to square a circle? Shove a four by four up a mule’s ass!” but also some more gentle, sweet exchanges and voiceover. There are also some gorgeous shots in this film, unsurprising with cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond on board (who also shot Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Deliverance, and Blow Out just to name a few). 

Watch it via rental on Amazon, GooglePlay, or iTunes.

Next up: The Top 10! Stay tuned! 

[pinknerdpanda]

Bad Blood - Part 8

Characters: Reader, Dean, Benny, Sam, Martin, Desmond

Series Summary: You stop at a small cafe in Louisiana on your way home from hunting with the Winchesters. There is something about the man behind the counter that makes you hungry for more than just the pie.

Warnings for this chapter: Angst, language, other warnings in the tags

Word Count: 2,085

A/N: This is loosely based on Season 8 Episode 9 “Citizen Fang” but I adapted the storyline to fit into this series.

Masterbeta’d by my friend and soul sister @wheresthekillswitch. As well as the ever lovely @hannahindie. You are both amazing and I adore you. Thank you!

Behind? You can catch up here: Masterlist

Tags are below the cut - please send me an ask if you would like to be added or removed from my tag list! :) Your feedback is so appreciated! (The gif is not mine)

x

Bad Blood

Part 8

“Enough!” Sam’s deep voice echos off the cheaply papered walls. “Martin, you need to back off. Now.” A satisfied smile curls your lips. “And y/n. I told you to stay home. You’re too close to this. You let me and Martin handle this, or…”

“Or what, Sam?” You narrow your eyes at him as you plant your fists on your hips, refusing to be intimidated by all 6’4” of him.

“Or you’re not going to like what happens next.” Sam returns your glare, and for a moment you almost flinch.

Movement behind you catches your attention and as you are beginning to turn around, Martin’s fist connects with the side of your face. The sound is like a crack of thunder inside your skull, and your head lurches backward. You feel the pain spreading like wildfire through every nerve and taste something like copper just seconds before everything goes black.

----

“Howdy, boys,” Benny’s voice echoes through the dark and he smiles wickedly. Four large figures slink closer as he grips the handle of his blade tighter. “I shoulda known Desmond wouldn’t want to get his hands dirty. Where is the ol’ coot, anyhow?”

They say nothing as they edge closer and Benny grinds his teeth. “Now, fellas, listen. I think you have the wrong idea here. I just came to talk.”

“Talk?” The large one on his right snorts. “Sure. That machete in your hand is saying everything, Benny.”

“Oh, this ol’ thing?” Benny lifts the knife, it’s blade glinting in the small sliver of moonlight from the skylight overhead. “No, I was just planning a little hike through the woods later on.”

“You always did think you were a comedian, didn’t you?” The vampire straight ahead scoffs, his teeth bared.

Benny narrows his eyes, hoisting the blade to rest against his shoulder. “Your sister always seemed to appreciate my particular brand of humor, Gerald.”

In a blur of growls and gnashing teeth, the vampire lunges at Benny with the other three close behind. Benny slashes, aiming for Gerald’s neck. The two sidekicks flank Benny, one wretches the weapon from his hand, while the other grabs a fistful of Benny's hair and yanks his head back..

“Hey, Count Douche-ula,” Dean’s voice stills the melee, and the five vampires turn to look toward the sound. “Get it, instead of ‘Dracula’...you know what nevermind.”

The momentary distraction is all he needs and Benny jerks his arm free. His fangs descend as he turns, gripping Gerald’s head and twisting violently. With a repulsive, wet pop, Benny severes the head from the vampire’s body, and throws it hard, hitting another and knocking him off balance.

Dean rushes forward, swinging his roughly hewn blade made of bone and obsidian and slices clean through the neck of the stumbling vamp. He kicks the discarded blade back toward Benny and after a few seconds, the fight is over. The two men stand, their chests heaving as they glance around at the four bodies and four heads littering the floor.

“Thanks, brother.” Benny smirks, clapping Dean on the back and wiping the blood from his blade on his thigh. Dean nods. “Count Douche-ula?”

“Sometimes they land, and sometimes they don’t.” Dean grins, shrugging.  

They walk in silence back to the Impala, and for the first time since this whole mess started, it’s not full of aggression and bitterness. Dean pops the trunk and they unceremoniously toss their weapons in before closing it again. Benny pulls his phone from his pocket and Dean tenses. He knows he’s checking for word from y/n and just like that, the hostility returns.

“She call you, yet?” Benny frowns, his eyes not leaving his screen.

Dean checks and finds no new messages or missed calls. “Not yet,” he replies, tersely. He punches the send button just under her photo, silently willing her to answer. Her voicemail picks up instead and he ends the call, the muscle in his jaw twitching as he clenches his teeth. “So what now? Why’d this Desmond send flunkies in his place.”

“I don’t know, but I’m guessing this fight is far from over, brother.” Benny sighs, returning his phone to his pocket and crossing his arms over his chest. “Look, Dean, if I’d known you’d had designs on y/n...what I mean is, I never meant to…”

Dean slices a hand through the air, cutting him off. “It doesn’t matter, man. What’s done is done. Let’s just focus on the job and we can save this conversation for...uh...never.”

Benny gives Dean a hard, earnest look. “I care about her.”

Dean nods, dropping his gaze to his feet. He clears his throat. “Alright, well, let’s assume that Martin and Sam are still on their way. Why don’t you go see if you can find her, make sure she’s okay. I’ll go and try to intercept my brother and his minion; try to get rid of them if I can.”

Benny agrees. “Thank you, Dean. Truly.”

Dean says nothing as he marches around to the driver’s seat of the Impala and slams the door closed. Benny watches as the engine roars to life and tears out of the parking lot.

As the tail lights fade, he makes his way to his own truck and mumbling to himself. “Alright, cher. Where’d you get off to?”

-----

Pain.

It’s dull, but throbbing and it’s your first thought as your consciousness begins to stir. Keeping your eyes clamped shut, you take an assessment of your various appendages. Panic ripples through you for a moment as you question whether or not your right arm has been removed from your body. There is only minimal comfort as you realize that, while still firmly attached, your hand has been handcuffed over your head and the lack of blood flow has rendered it numb. Reaching up carefully with your freed hand, you begin rubbing, hoping to generate some feeling. Your head continues to ache and you faintly register the sound of metal against metal. Your mouth is dry, like you’ve swallowed a sandcastle, and your neck lolls at an uncomfortable angle.

“Fucking Martin Creaser,” you bark as you ease your eyes open. It’s dark and you are handcuffed to the radiator, but you are marginally grateful to find you’re still in the room you’d been talking to Martin and Sam in earlier. You reach up, plucking a single bobby pin from your hair, silently thanking them for being men who apparently didn’t consider the idea that your hair accessories could double as lockpicks. “Amateurs,” you mumble.

After gripping it with your teeth and using your free hand to unbend the metal pin, you make short work of the handcuffs. The blood begins to flow again in your right arm and with it brings the unpleasant warmth and sensation of being pricked by thousands of tiny needles.

A soft buzzing sound catches your attention and you freeze, trying to hone in on the noise. Forcing yourself up on wobbly legs, you cross the room searching for the source. Just as you find your phone, half hidden under the bedskirt, the buzzing stops. You scoop the phone up and plop on the bed, still shaking your right arm, trying to regain feeling.

There are seven missed calls and five text messages, and, unsurprisingly, all of them are from either Dean or Benny. There really is no easy way out here. Whichever one you call back first is going to upset the other. Or will it? Neither of them have seemed too excited to have you around again. You bite your lip, struggling to decide the best course of action, when your phone rings. Benny’s name flashes on your screen and your stomach jumps.

“Hello?”

“Well, well, cher, look who finally decided to pick up her phone. Where are you?”

The sound of his voice is like velvet in your ear, and it sends a shot of warmth throughout your body.

“I’m at the hotel. Creaser knocked me out and…”

“Excuse me?” His voice drops to a dangerous growl.

“I’m fine.” You're mostly telling the truth. “But he’s certifiable, Benny. He knocked me out cold and I woke up handcuffed to the radiator.”

There are several seconds where, if it wasn’t for the sound of his breathing, you’d have thought he’d hung up.

“He’s a dead man.” The level of menace in Benny’s voice is alarming and exciting all at the same time.

“Forget about it, did you guys take care of Desmond? Where are you?”

“Desmond never showed. Dean’s tryin’ to get rid of the Hardy Boys and I am on my way to you, darlin’. Jus’ sit tight.” There’s another pause and this time, when he speaks, there’s a new tone to his voice; a warmth that you'd been missing. “You sure you’re alright, cher?”

Despite everything, you smile. “I’m sure. Just drive safe.”

-----

Martin

I slam the door of the beat up Ford pickup I hitched a ride from and nod to the driver. I’m frustrated and angry that Sam would ditch me over some text message from a woman. Doesn’t he understand the gravity of the situation?

I know Sam’s upset for what I did to y/n, but there was no other choice. I had to shut her up if we wanted to get this Benny character out of the way for good. I had half a mind to take her out on the spot; she is unclean, filthy - letting that fanger suck on her neck like a common whore. But if Sam was angry for knocking her out, he’d have been furious if I'd killed her. And Sam Winchester isn’t exactly someone I want as an enemy.

The bright side of having been abandoned in the middle of nowhere during this particular hunt, is that now I have all the bait I need to bring Benny out of hiding. I'm not one to pat myself on the back, but it is a fairly a brilliant plan, if I do say so myself.

I’ll keep her chained to the radiator for as long as it takes, and now that I don't have a Winchester looking over my shoulder, I can use whatever means necessary to force her cooperation. I have some rather creative ideas and a world of time.

I fumble the keys from my pocket as I climb the single flight of stairs to my motel room. When I round the corner when I see my door standing slightly ajar. I slip the knife from its place on my belt, and creep slowly toward my room.

Holding my breath, I silently enter the room, keeping my back to the wall. I scan the dark room and come up empty; not only is there no intruder, y/n is missing too. Her handcuffs are still attached the radiator where I left her.

“Dammit!”

Anger vibrates through my body like an uncontrollable tidal wave. I feel the surge of adrenaline pumping through my veins and I see red.

I move to close the door as a hand wraps around my neck. Long, thick fingers clutch cruelly around my windpipe, restricting the air to my lungs. I claw at the hand frantically, struggling to break free. Warm breath fans over my neck and I feel the hiss like a living thing inside my ear.

“Where is she?” Benny’s voice is like an electric current and his fingers loosen just enough to let me take one rattling breath.

“I...I don’t...kn..know,” I spit out, coughing and wheezing as Benny’s grip tightens again. My vision begins to blur.

“Now, you listen to me, you son of a bitch. I already planned on killing you, nice and slow, when I found out whatchu did t’ her,” Benny pauses, his fangs descending with a grotesque squelching sound.  “I just didn’t know that tonight would be my lucky night.”

-----

For the second time in one day, you wake with a start. Your head still aches from where Martin coldcocked you earlier, but now there’s a new sensation accompanying it; a painful throb on the side of your neck. You blink, groggily, struggling to see in the pitch black room. It’s cold; unusual for this time of year. A shiver passes through your body as you struggle to recall what happened.

A loud, metal click makes you jump and a sliver of light creeps across the floor as a door opens. A figure appears, the light from behind them obscuring their face. Glancing down, you see now why you’re so cold. Your clothes have been removed, except for your underwear, and there is a fine trickle of blood winding slowly down your arm.

“Hello, y/n,” a man’s voice echos off the four walls of the cramped space and you look up to see the figure hasn’t moved. “Glad you’re awake.”

“Where am I?” Even you notice the thread of fear in your voice. You would have cursed yourself for how pathetic you sound, if your brain wasn’t so foggy. “Where are my clothes?”

“Well, I just had to get a little taste for myself. See what exactly all the rage was about.” There’s a cold, mocking tone to his voice, but his words don’t make sense. “Benny certainly has exquisite taste, if I do say so myself.”

“Who are you?”

“Oh, yes. Of course. How terribly rude of me.  The name’s Desmond.”

-----

To Be Continued...

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[lewepstein]

Just Plain Wrong

Picture an early morning scene in which a four year old boy is sitting alone in a large sandbox at a local playground.  His father is watching from a bench close by while his son surrounds himself with all of the many toys provided by the community to those who come there to play.  Since the child has arrived first, he has taken two tricycles and parked them in his imaginary “garage.”  He has also grabbed all of the sand toys- plastic trucks, shovels and pails - and placed them around himself in a large semi-circle.  Within the next half hour other adults and children arrive.  But the little boy doesn’t want to relinquish what he now sees as his possessions.  He refuses to share the tricycles, pails and shovels with the other children.  He believes that because he got there first he is entitled to keep everything for himself.  But even the five and six year olds who have just entered the playground are saying to their caregivers that what the boy is doing is “unfair.”

Most of us would agree that it would be just plain wrong for the father of the little boy to not insist that his son share with the other children.  It is obvious to all that the child  cannot use all of his accumulated playthings at once, and that his hoarding denies others the opportunity to enjoy their time at the playground.

The scene that I have just described is a pretty good description of economic life in America today and what we tolerate in our political culture.  You could say that we have been brainwashed to believe that society must be organized around the principle that whoever comes up with a scheme to grab all the toys for himself has the right to hold onto them forever.  But, isn’t the playground scene that I am describing also an apt metaphor for the three richest men in the United States having the combined wealth of the lower-earning hundred eighty million of our fellow citizens?  And is it really OK that a number of the corporations that these billionaires own and control pay no taxes, while some of their lower paid employees have to choose between spending their meager salaries on either prescribed medications or food?  This may sound a little like Charles Dickens’ nineteenth century novel, “ A Tale of Two Cities,” but it is also a portrait of America in the year 2019.  

Many of us have taught our children the virtues of sharing and even the four year old in the sandbox soon learns that it is just plain wrong to keep all of the toys for himself when there are others present who would enjoy using them.  In a similar vein, anyone who sees himself as an even modestly spiritual and moral human being or attends any church, synagogue or mosque is instructed to be generous and kind to others - nothing more than charity and compassion 101.  And yet, we as a nation tolerate fabulously wealthy drug companies getting away with a five fold mark-up of survival items, like epipens.  And as yet there has been no popular revolt against a health care system that allows insurance companies to use a business model designed to either deny or limit payments for treatments that they deem “too expensive,” “too experimental” or simply “unnecessary.”  In fact, it is the “fiduciary responsibility” to shareholders of those who work for these companies to maximize profits by offering less - not more - to those of us who are suffering from disease and are in desperate need of healing and support.  It doesn’t take a great ethicist or moralist to see that these practices are just plain wrong.

When and where did we lose our moral compass and come to justify this kind of greed?  Was it in the days of the American frontier when every male settler believed he could become a wealthy rancher, and to hell with everybody else?  Or is it in the still prevalent cowboy myth revived by Ronald Reagan in the 1980s that enshrines the notion that the only person I really need to look after is “number one” -  namely me - and that others must fend for themselves.  To me, this sounds like the type of “rugged individualism” that refuses to embrace an even bare-bones awareness that we are all in this together - each a part of a family, a community and a nation - every one of us a cog in a complex and interdependent multitude of connections, interests and needs.

Most of us get it that it would be wrong to start a bonfire on our front lawns even though it would be a quick and cheap way to dispose of garbage and old furniture and to avoid paying the fees of a pick up service.  And yet, we as a society tolerate one corporation or an entire industry’s decision to dump its sulphuric waste into the atmosphere which then dramatically affects the acidity of the rain needed to irrigate the crops that we all depend upon for our food supply.  We observe this same attitude with gun owners and the National Rifle Association when they demand and defend unlimited access to firearms even as our children are mowed down by deranged shooters who should never have been allowed to acquire that type of firepower in the first place.  It is this selfish, privileged and arrogant worldview that is so malignant when applied to our global village where everything and everyone is so profoundly connected - where global warming is threatening life on our planet and wealth inequality along with climate based crop failure is producing mass migrations of people of a magnitude that we have never seen before and leaving war, terrorism and political upheaval in its wake.

The American “four year olds” who are monopolizing the  toys in our collective playground have names.  They are  Jeff Bezos, Charles and David Koch, Warren Buffett, and Mark Zuckerberg, among others.  They hide behind their corporate identities named Amazon, Exxon Mobil, Eli Lily, Lockheed Martin and Monsanto.  They are part of a powerful and privileged class of individuals and cartels who, in the short run are reaping tremendous benefits from capitalism’s cruelty, inequality and environmental degradation.  They will argue that they are charitable and willing to share, and they will occasionally even throw a toy or two to others, when it suits them.  But woe to anyone who actually says that society’s wealth and resources belong to everyone and that their hoarding must come to an end.

In terms of equity and sharing it would make sense that the privileged and the powerful would be reined in by true adults who had the interests of everyone in mind and saw fairness as their mission.  But, what we are getting today from those who are supposed to be representing us is  mostly complicity and compliance with what the wealthiest one percent want.  The most infamous of the complicit is named Mitch McConnell, a senator from Kentucky. But he is just one patriarch in two large families called the Republicans and the Democrats who both, insanely, take bribes from the privileged and powerful few they are supposed to be monitoring and are therefore completely beholden to them. Call them the billionaire class or the wealthiest one percent - they have come to hold tremendous authority over those who should be reining them in and leveling the playing field so that the rest of us can also have access to all that our wealthiest society in human history has to offer.    

Where once there was a counsel of wise adults who ruled judiciously on challenges to wealth and power, there are now a majority of  billionaire class collaborators whose names are Roberts, Alito, Thomas, Gorsuch and Kavanaugh. They give their stamps of approval to the status quo and cloak the power and privilege of the entitled one per cent  in the language of law.  Sadly, these biased arbiters of right and wrong get to occupy the same benches for the rest of their lives.  But the most pernicious and cruelest irony of all is that the current director of the playground is incapable of fairly monitoring those he is in charge of because he is a functional four year old himself.  The grasping and greedy Donald Trump lies constantly, operates without even the pretense of a moral code and is incapable of seeing the world beyond his own shallow self interest.   Like most children, he views any questioning of his ideas or actions as hostile acts and calls those who challenge him his “enemies.”  

If so much of what I have just described is just plain wrong, then how do we as a people make it right?  The answer begins with turning our moral outrage into energy and not being deterred by the predictable attacks that the playground bullies will level against anyone who insists that they share their wealth and privilege.  Bold, common sense programs like “The Green New Deal,” “Medicare for All,”  universal pre-kindergarten and childcare” an annual wealth tax and free tuition at public universities not only demand that wealth and resources be shared, but provide solutions for problems that our gilded age, laissez faire, market based system of economics has not been able to solve.  

The first major obstacle to introducing these types of programs into our current system is the tantrum that the one percenters have when asked to share their wealth - they will do anything and everything in their power to scare the hell out of us so that we reject any progressive programs along with the politicians who are trying to level the playing field:  This is what you can expect to hear:

“That program will be a job killer.”

“Don’t engage in ‘class warfare’”

“Beware of ‘too much government.’”

“You never want to lose your freedom of choice.”

“Just allow the ‘free market’ to do its thing.”

“Big government programs are too expensive.”

“Only the private sector ever gets things right.”

“Do you want to live in a ‘welfare state?’”

“Why tax the rich? We give millions to charity.”

“It will all ‘trickle down.’”

These arguments appeal to our fears and are not about facts.  Working class families are not free when they are struggling to pay for healthcare.  The so called “free market” is rigged and does not promote freedom when monopolies are driving the planet to extinction.  The much maligned “Welfare State” is now mostly about corporate welfare - the Medicaid, food stamps and other benefits  that we, the taxpayers pay to Walmart and McDonald workers who are not receiving a living wage.    

The bogeyman of  “too much government,” is really fear mongering about the government controls, oversight, regulations and taxation needed to rein in the excesses and dangerous practices of the  healthcare, pharmaceutical and energy cartels.  And to the argument that the Federal government never gets it right, I would argue: What about The W.P.A. in the 1930s that rebuilt our infrastructure and put the country back to work?  How about Social Security - called “creeping socialism” by the millionaire class of that era - and  Disability and Medicaid that even the conservative Tea Party members don’t want to give up?  And have you considered our Interstate Highway System and our National Park System, one built under Eisenhower and the other begun under Teddy Roosevelt? - both massive, big-government programs.  And what about our National Space Program that placed a man on the moon in the 1960s and Medicare, a government run health program for those over 65 that most people highly value?

When all else fails, the message from the  billionaires  and the politicians who are in their pockets is, “Watch out! Those who are pushing for Medicare for All and taxing our wealth  are socialists”.  Beware of the “red menace” and “don’t risk losing what you have.”  But, the reality is that only through massive, socialist, government sponsored programs like “The Green New Deal” and “Medicare for All” will the playground that we all live in become livable for all.    

Time is no longer on our side and a window is rapidly closing as the free market four year olds and their representatives continue trying to convince us that capitalism is freedom and that any and all attempts to redistribute and regulate their wealth and power is tyranny.  Unfortunately, the word “Socialism” may still be scary to many.  Perhaps, too revolutionary to view as a realistic solution.  But it is becoming increasingly clear to many of us with each climate disaster and mass migration that we may be facing a choice between Socialism and barbarism.

So let’s not allow the entitled and their hired hands to frighten us into believing that large common sense government programs cannot work in the United States.  And let’s not be scared off again by the words “Socialism” or “Revolution.”  It is Democratic Socialism that has provided a way of life that most European citizens swear by and are not willing to give up and it was a revolution against tyranny and unfair taxation that gave birth to our nation.  An unwillingness to uphold our country’s proud, revolutionary tradition in these critical times could turn out to be just plain wrong.

[billcoberly]

The Silliest Take of the Week: 1/22/2017

Last week was a busy week for Internet Writers, between MLK Day, Trump’s inauguration, and, of course, the U.S. premiere of the first episode of The Young Pope. Today, I’d like to spend a little time going through some harmlessly Silly Takes, perform a quick detour through a truly Rage Inducing Take that is not so much Silly as it is Patently Offensive, and finally, end with a succinct yet wonderful tweet. More of the Silly Takes this week were from conservative sources, but please don’t take that to mean that this project only mocks conservative Takes: everybody is capable of writing Silly Takes.

Don’t forget to submit your favorite silly pieces of Internet writing to sillytakes@gmail.com! I didn’t get very many submissions this week, so the pool of potential Silly Takes was mostly limited to stuff I found in my Internet travels. Thanks to Erin for submitting a Take!

Most Self-Loathing In An Obligatory Take For A Culture Site

Jen Chaney, “How Trumpish Is The Young Pope?” Vulture, 1/18/2017

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and Internet writers gotta write about The Young Pope and Donald Trump as often as possible. A lot of people did this, and I’m sure many of the resulting Takes were Silly, but this one takes (hah) the cake for me because it spends most of its wordcount apologizing for writing a Take on The Young Pope and Donald Trump. See, for instance:

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘Is every TV show analysis from now until 2020 going to invoke Donald J. Trump? I mean, sometimes a show about a pope with a kangaroo in his garden is just a show about a pope with a kangaroo in his garden.’”

 Anyway, this Take is harmless, but I include it because it’s always nice when a Take is self-aware of its own silliness. You just know that this writer pitched this with a heavy heart and a sudden deep awareness of the many sad duties required of her as an Internet Opinion-Haver.

White People Saying Stupid Things About Race: MLK Day Edition

Roger Clegg, “Dr. King, Race Relations, and Obama’s Farewell Address,” National Review, 1/16/2017

Here’s a couple of sentences for you, from Roger Clegg’s piece about Obama’s farewell speech:

“In a word: Nothing can purport to be a serious discussion of race relations in this country unless it discusses out-of-wedlock birthrates, because it is the disparity in out-of-wedlock birthrates that now most drives other racial disparities.”

After a paragraph citing various statistics on birth rates among various demographic populations, Clegg adds that:

“Racism is a bad thing, and it still exists. But the president is right that only the delusional think it is anything like the problem it was 50 years ago. The principal impediment for those who would like to narrow our ongoing racial disparities is not racism; it’s the “70.4 percent” figure above. Obama had a duty to talk about that again, too, and he failed to do so.”

Is there any better way to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day than for a white dude to condescendingly tell off a black dude for not focusing on the important parts of racial inequality? At least, in a victory for equality and legitimate children everywhere, Clegg generously admitted that racism is “a bad thing.”

Most Incoherent Paean to Fascism

Karl Spence, “How Donald Trump and Friends Can Crush the Great Crime Wave,” National Review, 1/16/2017

T. Greg Doucette wrote about this piece over at Mimesis Law, and you should probably just read what he has to say about this fatuous, incoherent, and offensive mess of an article.

However, if you want to read my opinion (which, presumably, you do, given that you’re reading my blog) it’s here. In short: Karl Spence, who near as I can tell is just Some Jackass, has spent the last thirty years of his life advocating that the only way to stop the massive crime wave in America (that doesn’t exist, at least certainly not the way he describes it) is to bring back swift hangings. In so doing, he ignores the current state of criminal law, statistics, context, and common concepts of decency and due process.

He complains about Miranda rights, dismissively describing that case as granting “a right to receive helpful legal advice from detectives whose true job is to solve crimes,” joining the ranks of the many who think that the problem with our criminal justice system is just too much due process. He spends paragraph after paragraph talking about how great vigilantism used to be. He advocates for a constitutional amendment to restore swift executions.

But the piece de resistance of this mess is this paragraph: 

“What of the fact that most criminals stop short of murder? After all, the thugs who victimized Hans and Emma Kabel didn’t kill them, though they might as well have done. How do you reach those people? With a rope. That’s because most robbers depend on the threat of murder to secure their victims’ compliance, as do many rapists. And aggravated assault is, in many if not most cases, simply unsuccessful murder. Hang murderers, and every hoodlum in the land will notice. And, like the outlaws who fled the vigilantes, they will change their behavior.”

“Hang murderers, and every hoodlum in the land will notice” is the sort of thing I’d expect the Sherriff of Nottingham to say, and “[h]ow do you reach those people? With a rope,” is pure masturbatory posturing. As other people have pointed out, this op-ed reads like it was written by Frank Castle.

This Take is Silly in the sense that its legal and empirical analyses (as discussed in detail by Doucette, above) are completely divorced from reality, but it’s not Silly in the sense that some otherwise serious people apparently just paid a man to espouse harmful, hateful, inaccurate nonsense about the criminal justice system in a major publication. This is a bad take, and Spence should be ashamed of himself, but the real villain here is the cowardly jackanape at National Review Online who agreed to run this piece. There are always going to be jackboot-fantasists who long for the days when the local constabulary would chop hands off for petty theft, but we don’t have to give them a platform.

The Silliest Take of the Week, 1/22/2017

Ross Douthat, A Tweet, Twitter, 1/17/2017

Ross Douthat writes for the New York Times as their Designated Conservative, which means that a lot of people hate him: liberals hate him for being conservative, and conservatives hate him for writing for the New York Times. I would feel more sorry for him if he didn’t say immensely silly things all the time.

Earlier this week, then-President Obama announced that he was commuting the majority of the rest of Chelsea Manning’s sentence. People had Thoughts about this, as you might expect, but Ross Douthat managed to squeeze the Silliest Take of the Week into less than 140 characters when he tweeted this:

I have stared at this tweet for a non-trivial number of hours over the last few days, trying to decipher its many mysteries, and I still have no idea what this means. What is the “coincidence?” Who is scripting history? Is he suggesting that Chelsea Manning is a member of the Illuminati?

Many people expressed confusion, but Douthat refused to clarify what this means in any follow up tweet or, to my knowledge, any writing since. Douthat, like any good performance artist, knows that the work needs to speaks for itself.

This, friends, is everything I want in a Silly Take. It’s an off-the-cuff response to a current event that is intended to really make you think, man, about the way the world works. It even uses scare quotes. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. It’s equal parts confusing and offensive.

This is perfection in Take Silliness, ladies and gentlemen. We may never see such a perfect specimen again. Congratulations to Ross Douthat for writing the Silliest Take of the Week, and winning a special place in my heart.

[valkirsif]

Unthinkable CH 34/???

Tom Hiddleston x Reader

Warning Nothing

Word 2800

Y/N woke up hearing laughter in the distance, opened her eyes and looked around, not understanding where she was, was in an unfamiliar bed, nothing in the room was familiar, felt panicked her heart speed up, her heartbeats, she was confused from the outside voices and chattering came around in bed and found it empty and unused, "Where the heck am I?" she wondered, was one step away from screaming, saw clothes on the bedside table, her favorite t-shirt and shorts , and finally it occurred to her, they had arrived in LA and that was their new home, she burst out laughing on her own, fell asleep on the couch and Tom put her to bed, she must have been more tired than thought, got dressed and went down to the hall following the voices, the house was full of light but outside it was pitch dark, "Who knows what time it is" thought, leaning against the open jamb of the window overlooking the garden, he smiled looking at the scene Rdj, Chris H. and Tom conversed by the fire, turned to the pool and realized where the laughter of the woman who had woken her had come from, a beautiful Scarlet was trying to free herself from Evans's hold that held and tried to throw into the water,

"Well woken up," said Rdj as he walked toward her, "and welcome!"

"Thank you," the woman smiled as followed him toward the fire, was unusually cold, perhaps from the fatigue of the journey, greeted Chris and looked around

"Elsa?" she asked, not seeing the woman anywhere,

"She will come in a couple of days," the man replied, handing her a blanket, "You're freezing",

"It's jet lag tomorrow, you'll be fine," said Tom, kissing her and putting dose of caffeine in her hand,

"Thank you my love, I hope you are right if it was always so cool I should buy clothes heavier than the ones I brought" smiled leaning against him,

"SILLY!!" Evans shouted enthusiastically as came out of the pool and running towards the group, Y/N barely had time to finish the coffee before the man took her in his arms, "I missed you a mess," said squeezing her,

"Sassy I missed you so much too!!" replied clinging to him, "Now I'm awake .. and wet" she laughed kissing him,

"How are you looking? We didn't hear each other after your friend's mess,” the man asked,

"I don't want to hear about it anyway, I'm fine anyway," she replied, shaking head,

"Hey you two you don't know each other yet," he said, introducing Scarlett, "You have a lot of things in common," he laughed

"Pleasure .." said Y/N hypnotized, "..I .. sorry but I am speechless .." she whispered embarrassed, she was the most beautiful woman had ever seen, the image of Scarlett blonde with red sheath on the red Carpet didn't do justice to her beauty, the group laughed,

"Quiet Silly does this to everyone," laughed Evans,

"My pleasure, call me Scar the way they all do," she smiled as shook her hand, "is Chris the one who kicked you?" she asked the man who nodded, Tom looked at her curiously, hadn't told him about the fight in the woods maybe to keep a certain aura of a girl to be protected,

"In what sense were you kicked?" Rdj asked curiously, Evans rolled his eyes

"Scar should have been a secret," he said resignedly, "When she came on the set, I challenged her and beat me ... that's all," said in a few words,

"No no we want the details!" urged Rdj laughing Evans told of his humiliation mimicking the winning tricks that Y/N had used, ".. buddy I don't think your girlfriend will need bodyguards .. she defends herself very well" concluded laughing,

"Darling always amazes me," he said, taking her in his lap, "do you hide any other secrets from me?" He whispered, the woman shook her mysterious head

"Maybe .." answered before kissing him, they laughed and talked until late at night before saying goodbye,

"The car arrives at 9am, see you on the set," said Chris H. before going out with the others, the couple went upstairs and fell asleep in a moment, it had been a long and exciting day.

The following morning Y/N was still affected by the trip but was curious to explore the rest of the property, went down to the kitchen to prepare breakfast while Tom was in the shower,

"Good morning my king," she said when the man hugged her while he was making coffee, he was already dressed and cheerful for the start of the last shootings,

"Darling day, it didn't matter that you got up with me, I could make breakfast myself," he said, kissing her head and sitting down at the table,

"I know but I like to start the day with you" smiled as she handed him the cereal, "I won't see you until tonight .."

"You could join me at the studios for lunch around 3 if you like and if you don't have any commitments," he invited, caressing her face,

"But I don't know, I have a lot of invitations around the city and lots of things to do at home," said Y/N dramatically, causing the man to burst into laughter,

"When Elsa arrives you will not be alone all day" he laughed, they finished having breakfast Tom checked you have everything he needed greeted Y/N and reached the car waiting for him in the driveway, the woman greeted him smiling from the window before get comfortable.

She set up the kitchen, made another coffee and went into the garden taking one of the books she had brought and lay down by the pool, the day looked warm and the woman still felt out of tune with the trip, turned on the phone and checked Facebook, since her first outing in London hadn't looked at social media anymore, when opened her favorite found everything, literally everything, she had a thousand friend requests and the message box was clogged without counting the questions of the people knew and who they were more than curious to know all the details of her new life, the cursed tabloid article had started a media coverage that she never expected, just wanted to be left in peace but it didn't seem possible, she ignored the messages of strangers and blocked all friend requests in one fell swoop, several chats opened, many Tom fans wrote obscenities to her that she ignored, could understand that kind of reaction was not the case, some journalists insistently asked her for an interview and not wanting to argue she wrote "I'm not interested" at all, there were messages from alleged designers asking her to try on clothes, some had left the phone number , others the link of his own site, she was surprised and frightened by all that storm and he too politely answered no, after 15 minutes felt exhausted and decided that for her health and privacy it was better to put his personal profile invisible, only the friends could see her, she wondered if even in the other social networks she used would find the same situation, she realized that would need someone to guide her through that maze, she looked at the time and made a quick calculation of the spindle and, not wanting to wake up at night, sent a message to the only person who could have advised her ... Luke, the answer was not long in coming

"Good morning Y/N how can I help you?" Luke asked, awake and professional,

"Good morning and sorry for the hour I thought you would read the message tomorrow morning" replied the woman feeling guilty, in London it was night, "I need advice and help .." said what she had found and how felt, Luke let her vent, ".. I don't know how to behave" concluded,

"If it's okay for you I will look for a press officer to handle and check requests and messages, with which you can agree on what to make public and that will explain how to respond," he replied, the woman breathed a sigh of relief,

"It would be perfect, thank you Luke" gave the man the account data and white card for management,

"No problem, since we are on the phone I send you a message to Athens and all the information for travel, do not worry about disturbing and call me if you need help when you will be in Greece" concluded before saying goodbye, Y/N smiled Luke was really precious and she was grateful that he gave her a hand, at 2 heard the bell ring.

She put on a robe and watched from the video intercom, a black car was at the gate

"Who is it?" asked by pressing the button

"Good morning Mr. Hiddleston sends me from the studios to accompany her" replied the driver, showing the card to the camera,

"I immediately have time to get dressed" replied the woman opening the gate and running into the room, opened the wardrobe and put on jeans and t-shirt, took the bag and went out, inserting the alarm, the man opened the door and they departed

"I'm Martin I'll be his driver during her stay in LA" he said giving her the business card, "Call me when you need the car"

"Pleasure and give me the tu" replied Y/N smiling, checked the messages during the journey,

¥ Good morning Y/N I'm Alissa your press agent, I'm checking messages and fixing the privacy of your profiles if you have any questions call me well ¥ she was amazed by Luke's efficiency,

¥ Good morning thanks for the help I hope not to disturb you too often ¥ replied with a smile,

¥ No trouble ... I'm your Luke, my job is to make life as infernal as possible ¥ read the family chat to see if there was new info for the gathering

¥ People there is a beautiful sun on the beach is paradise! ¥ Simo had already arrived, ¥ I am tanning for the ¥ photos

¥ We are packing our bags ¥ Niko answered making everyone laugh, he was packing for two days,

¥ I am going to the studios, even here it is sunny, I can't wait to be in Greece ¥ the woman answered

¥ Tell us how the house is? ¥ they asked

¥ Or are you in a camper? ¥

¥ No no we are in a gigantic house all glass .. absurd .. overhanging the valley ¥ wrote, ¥ you would like the infinity pool on nothingness ¥

¥ WOW!! ¥

¥ When returning from the wedding Thomas wants to look for a house here ¥

¥ There are some fabulous areas around the studios, if you want to accompany you ¥ wrote Rice

¥ I'll go with Elsa ¥ answered dry, ¥ At the moment I think only of the wedding, I already have the backpack ready ¥

¥ The backpack ?? No set of suitcases with nice clothes inside? ¥ Marco asked

¥ Ahahah I'm away 2/3 days not six months !! ¥ laugh ¥ The dress for the ceremony you have it, I just need pajamas and a change ¥

¥ We thought that now that you are VIPs you brought more stuff, you will not want to travel around Athens with the same clothes of the trip ¥ shook her head smiling,

"We arrived Miss" said Martin showing the pass to the guard at the gate he checked and passed them, an intern was waiting for her near what looked like a golf cart,

"Well arrived, this is for you .." the boy said giving her a pass, "..save the port to the cafeteria",

"Thank you .. and give me the tu" replied Y/N putting the pass around her neck and sitting next to him, it was so strange to hear her give, the woman observed everything curious, interns and technicians ran busy, costumed actors and stunts various films were mixed between one set and another, it was all chaotic and exciting, the studios were a city in the city, the boy made her go down in front of a shed, the woman came in and looked around for Tom or some known face the place was full of people had nothing to do with the small coffee shop in the woods, smiled seeing Scarlet and the man both in costume standing in line at the counter and joined them, hugged the man from behind putting on her toes to kiss him the neck,

"This costume gives you my love," she said cheerfully, giving him a pat on the bottom, the man turned with the tray in his hand and smiled at her.

"Thank you" he said cheerfully, "From whom do I have the pleasure of making me treat you like this?" He asked, staring at her, Y/N blushed, taking a step back, realizing that this was not her boyfriend,

"Io..damn" stammered, not finding the words, "I'm so sorry you are the same as Thomas, what a figure," she replied nervously, heard him laugh behind her, turned around, Tom and Evans had been watching the scene

"She's Y/N, my girlfriend," the man said, calming and hugging her

"Nice to meet you I'm Matt, don't worry I get it often enough" laughed shaking her hand,  

"Nice to meet you and still sorry" laughed Y/N before following Tom and Evans to the trays, they got food and they got comfortable in one of the big ones tables, shortly after the rest of the group reached them, ate happy lunches, chatting for an hour before a technician called them back to order,

"Y/N come and take a look?" Asked Rdj, getting up,

"If I do not disturb willingly, even if I would like to know as little as possible of the film I am too curious to give it up" the woman laughed as she followed the group embraced by her Loki, god as he was beautiful with the stage costume she wanted to hide somewhere with him and jumping on him, they arrived on the set, as soon as they entered the big shed he found himself in the middle of a semi-destroyed city district, rubble and smoking cars mixed with the green screens of the graphics, extras and actors got back into position, Y/N got into position in a corner not to annoy, the director was giving directions,

"Action" he shouted, the lights came on and the cameras began to follow the movements of the actors on the set, he stood staring in fascination for a couple of years.

"How do you like it?" Tom asked as he approached as the director called the break,

"My love is beautiful!" Replied Y/N, "Now it would be better if you go home, dinner does not prepare itself" laughed hugging him,

"See you later".

The woman woke up full of energy, turned in her bed to kiss Tom who was still sleeping and got up trying not to wake him, the man's days were long and heavy, he took a quick shower and put on one of his favorite clothes , 50s white with huge sunflowers on the skirt, went down to the kitchen to have breakfast check the baggage and the purse, leave a message for Tom on the cupboard and went out the user was already waiting for her to take her to the airport, she felt as if she had just landed in LA but 3 days had already passed and now she was about to be reunited with her family for the wedding, she was happy and anxious, she and Rice had not been heard, after a couple of days he had given up from calling her for clarification, she didn't know what she would find when she arrived, she took a breath, stamped a cheerful smile on her face and went down to the airport .. destination Athens.

[yahoo-devil-ball-golf-blog]

Erin Hills was different, yes, but also great as US Open host

From the sounds of the bellyaching in pockets of social media, Brooks Koepka’s name should have an asterisk next to it on the U.S. Open trophy.

You see, Koepka, in their view, didn’t win a real Open. Koepka won something less than an Open — maybe a PGA Championship or something like that — because he tied Rory McIlroy’s 72-hole scoring record en-route at Erin Hills en route to his first major title. What’s worse, in their eyes, is that six other guys finished at 10 under par or better, more than triple the total number of players to finish at that mark in the prior 116 U.S. Opens.

This Open was too easy, they say.

I say this Open was great, and, too, was Erin Hills as host.

Of course, if you’re a traditionalist who wants the one-week-only pain and suffering of a U.S. Open, you hated this week. Too many birdies and eagles. Too many players under par. Medinah No. 3 in Illinois laid down in 1990 like Erin Hills did this time around, and it’s only hosted PGA Championships and Ryder Cups since. You’re probably wishing the same on Erin Hills.

Most of golf knew going into this week that this course could yield a lot of red numbers if the wind didn’t blow (it didn’t except for portions of Sunday) and it rained (which it did, in spades). The wide fairways aren’t hard to hit by design, influenced by the Augusta National design so lauded for playing as a second-shot golf course. However, the purists want second-shot, friendly courses reserved for two other majors. They want the U.S. Open to be an every-shot golf course, inducing claustrophobia with tiny fairways, unfair bounces and deep, penal rough to play into rock-hard, lightning-fast greens. The 2-foot-deep fescue was too far offline to play a starring role this week, and the weather left Erin Hills practically defenseless.

However, what happened at Erin Hills isn’t an isolated barrage of scoring. The U.S. Open has lacked bite in six of the last nine years, including four in a row.

Ricky Barnes got to 10 under at Bethpage Black in 2009, which looked as muddy as Woodstock did in ’69.

Rory McIlroy made a mockery of Congressional in 2011 thanks to a one-two punch of heat and rain on weak, renovated greens.

Martin Kaymer smoked Pinehurst No. 2 in the first two rounds in 2014, forcing the USGA to juice up weekend pins as the German coasted to a second major.

A lack of rain devastated first-time (and maybe only-time) host Chambers Bay to the point that some putting surfaces were missing grass — and 5-under total still won on the then-longest US Open course.

Oakmont caught deluges of rain last year and couldn’t show all of its teeth as we’ve come to expect.

So, tell me more about how Erin Hills was too easy. With modern, impeccably made technology and pro golf talent pools deeper than ever, it’s practically impossible to deter scoring with rain and without wind.

The counter from the purists is that the USGA has traditionally thwarted scoring and administered pain by tightening fairways to nearly microscopic widths, surrounding targets with juicy rough and ginning up green speeds. The USGA also does that by artificially setting par, typically at 70, by reducing common par 5s into monstrous par 4s and by adding length that no one would use but for an Open. Case in point? No. 15 at Erin Hills played on Saturday as a 278-yard par 4. Fun! Oakmont’s eighth hole was a nearly 300-yard par 3. Boo? One’s easy; one’s tough.

If there are any hurt feelings from how mean the U.S. Open field was to par this week, then try this mental trick: Imagine it as a par-70 instead of a par-72. Imagine No. 1 as a par 4 and No. 15 as a par 3. All of a sudden, the winning score is 8 under and just eight players beat par. Voila!

Erin Hills didn’t need beat-you-over-the-head features to make players think, though it lacked the features that viewers have traditionally come to anticipate as a Drudge siren for difficulty. Wide fairways meant choices, and choices, as Pete Dye often attests, are what really gets the best players into a bind. The ego is a funny thing. When we have no choice, the task becomes more focused and a little easier. Sure, hitting a 22-yard-wide fairway at your daddy’s Open is harder than hitting a 60-yard-wide fairway at Erin Hills. But a guy like Brooks Koepka, who hit a 379-yard 3-wood downhill and downwind on No. 18 on Sunday, still has an edge either way because he knows, just as short-knocker Jim Furyk does, that if they both miss the fairway off the tee, Koepka has an even bigger edge from the rough.

Even if you didn’t like Erin Hills, we can agree on one thing: Length clearly is not a deterrent. Brian Harman is a perfectly average driver of the ball on the PGA Tour, and he finished T-2. Bill Haas isn’t long, and he finished T-5. There’s actually scoring data from the PGA Tour to suggest that, at a certain length, making par 5s longer improves overall scoring regardless of a player’s average driving distance.

Brandel Chamblee said on Golf Channel he thinks the Open and other major courses need to go to 8,000-yard lengths to stymie players. First, there aren’t many of those. Second, what difference is 165 yards going to do compared to what Erin Hills offered? The problem with length is that it makes it harder to draw up true hazards that aren’t vast seas of sand or water features running the full length of holes. The more north-south space a golf hole has, the more difficult it is to reasonably frame it with obstacles.

If anything, Erin Hills proved that the only things that can be done to bring the field back to par are the classic USGA manipulations. If there’s a clamoring for that, we’ll see how they do in defending par in the coming years, as the U.S. Open moves through a run of classic venues: Shinnecock Hills, Pebble Beach and Winged Foot. By then, the whining about Erin Hills will end, but the onslaught against par will not.

  Ryan Ballengee is a Yahoo Sports contributor. Find him on Facebook and Twitter.

[davidaolson]

There’s room at the top they’re telling you still But first you must learn how to smile as you kill If you want to be like the folks on the hill A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be If you want to be a hero well just follow me If you want to be a hero well just follow me ~John Lennon

When I think of a working class hero, I immediately think of Che Guevara. I picture the iconic image of him wearing his beret with the single star, the tousled hair, and a mustache desperately needing grooming. Close on the heels of Che, I think of Superman, the honorable protector standing up to bullies in defense of the peasants, the commoner, the villagers in the movie Magnificent Seven, anyone oppressed.

The image of a hero warms my heart, makes me wish I was Robin Hood, Zorro, Che, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, any of history’s heroes fighting for rather than exploiting the people. For many of us raised in the USA, our government was the Robin Hood saving the world from dictators and despots and Che’s Communism. Little did we know at the time.

Many of these heroes were not without blood on their hands. The blood of their enemies. Their own blood when they were assassinated. Freedom fighting sometimes means killing others. Freedom Fighter or Terrorist? It’s all about perspective.

In the case of Che, some historians say he was involved in butchery. Revisionist biographies highlight Che’s involvement in the execution of “traitors” and counter-revolutionary “worms” often without the benefit of trial. Che’s legacy is precariously balanced. Hero or Anti-Hero? Savior or Terrorist? Saint or Sinner?

As I pondered Che and his ilk, internally romanticizing revolution “Viva la revolución”, the image of The Donald popped into my mind. The Donald?

Yes, I tied Che Guevara to Donald Trump. Not in their ideologies, but in what they represent to the working class of their time, in their appeal to a proletariat feeling abandoned by the elite, the 1%, hoarding most of the wealth, wealth created on the tired and broken backs of the working class. A working class whose backs are striped red by the whips of government officials that pretend to care about them come election time but abandons their promises them when the people need government support.

Che & The Donald have similarities. Both came from wealthy families. Both held/hold political office. They both have blood on their hands. The Donald’s from sending refugees back to the hell they were trying to escape. The biggest difference being Che was a communist believing in distribution of wealth while The Donald is a devout capitalist dedicated to amassing personal fortune.

The Donald as a Working Class Hero? The Donald? Hero? Yes, too many in the Working Class, The Donald is a hero. And, like Che, too many, he is a villain. He is Snidely Whiplash tying Muslims, his version of Nell, to the railroad tracks. Those who idolize Che most likely detest The Donald. And vice versa.

It was mainly the working class that brought Trump to power. They worship him with the zealotry of the religious – blind faith – reason be damned. He surfed the cheers of the Rust Belt Americans, people who lost their jobs to inefficient processes designed to benefit employees instead of the customers, artificially inflated wages driving companies to access cheaper labor outside the country, advances in technology rendering much manual labor obsolete. He surfed their discontent right over the heads of the Republican establishment to win the party’s nomination.

The working class carried Trump into power under the promise of returning jobs, of draining the swamp of career politicians, of jailing politicians he labeled as corrupt. The latter two promises he has already reneged on and he’s less than three months into his four-year term. How do the zealots not see the wolf beneath the fleece cape? Why do they continue to adore the false prophet?

The working class bought into his myopic vision of American First rhetoric harkening back to the misguided isolationism of the 1930s. An ideology which, when we intelligently abandoned, led the US into the most prosperous phase of her history. Oddly enough, Cuba was also isolationist, however, they were forced into isolation when the US government ostracized the country and threatened economic sanctions on allies targeting the Cuban market.

Cuba, ostracized into a virtual Isolationist country, became locked in the 1960s and are still there 50 years onward. Let’s hope US isolationism does not lock us into the 2020s while the rest of the world creates realigned trade policies, without the US, allowing everyone else to prosper in a world market and the US becomes a bit player instead of a leader. It’s a void China is poised to fill.

I do agree the working class needed a revolutionary to help them taste a larger piece of the pie hoarded so long by the top 1%. However, isolationism is not the answer. The America First policy is as misguided today as it was in the 1930s and will leave us an island enjoying some short term gain and, once the international trade vectors realign, extended, if not permanent, long term loss.

An island can be self-sustaining only as long as it has internal resources. With the rates of US consumer consumption, the resources won’t last very long. We will need to turn to the world community we abandoned, hope they will forgive us for our selfishness, and ask them to allow us back in. It will be their chance to make us pay dearly for our folly. I foresee the US falling into a deep hole of debt, outrageous inflation, mass suffering. The people and their progeny will be in a much worse position than they are now. We, as a nation will struggle, will suffer. Could we be the next North Korea?

The tragedy of his misguided America first policies, if not quelched, will lead to suffering and the suffering will foment revolution. The masses will rise. The people protesting in the streets, today, are an early sign of discontent and it’s not even bad yet. It may not come today or tomorrow or even next year. It may not come from my generation, but it will come from our children or our children’s children.

We will, again, seek a working class hero, a savior to save us from our own foolishness. I hope we learn to look beyond our own selfish needs, see the big picture, the effects of change on the long horizon the next time around.

Sadly, we didn’t learn from previous isolationist attempts that we are not an island to our self. We failed to understand that we are a member of an interconnected global community. I hope we can learn from our mistakes this time before tragedy strikes.

Working Class Hero?

There’s room at the top they’re telling you still But first you must learn how to smile as you kill…

Working Class Hero? There's room at the top they're telling you still But first you must learn how to smile as you kill…