#PTSDandMe

[kariekermath]

Spring cleaning

Change is coming. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in my bones. There’s something magical about those first indications that spring is about to wrestle the baton from winter’s grasp, leading us all on a merry romp away from a grayscale existence and back into the warm exuberance of a technicolor world. But today, as happy as they make me, I’m not going to talk about the first blooms or…

[1ntentionseeker-blog]

💫 Spiritual Sundays 💫 I love sundays as for me bring a time of stillness and reflection for me to reflect upon my week and also to plan my week ahead. How are you spending your Sunday? Are you filled with dread - because tomorrow is another Monday morning and once again you have to get up for that job that you hate? To work a job that doesn't pay you enough, so you end up with more month than money? I feel you. That was me once. Before I stopped settling for a life that was below the standards of which I wanted. It's not easy to go out there and chase your dreams especially when faced with financial adversity or criticism from friends. But one thing that I have learnt along this incredible Journey called life is that we truly are the creators of our own reality. We can change diection at any given moment if we give ourselves permission to be the person we are. Behind the fears and behind our excuses. Take a moment today to reflect on your life and see if there's any areas that you would like to improve on! I'm cheering for you! #1ntentionseeker #inentionnation #sundaysermon #aspiration #reflection #daretodream #followyourcalling #theworldneedsyou #ptsdandme #ptsdrecovery #changeisgood #intentionalliving #intentionallife #discoveraligncreate https://www.instagram.com/p/B2_r8VUgPqv/?igshid=88uw4r2g66b6

[geeky-lez]

She appeared in my dreams again. Kidnapping me and not letting me go, while I call and text for help with no one believing me. Currently struggling to sleep because I'm afraid I'll have another nightmare. My nightmare last night also triggered sleep paralysis, which I go through at least once a month, but this is the second time this month. When all I want to do is let go, the scars inflicted on my mind bring the past to life with nightmares and triggers. I know I survived but sometimes she haunts me even after years of no contact. She still lurks in the dark parts of my mind, waiting to come out when I least expect it. When my life seems to be going in the direction I've hoped she's there to crack away at the self-esteem I've been struggling to build after years of abuse. PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, I hate you the most tonight. #PTSD #posttraumaticstressdisorder #ptsdrecovery #ptsdsucks #ptsdandme #domesticabusesurvior #survivor

[disagreeds]

ptsdandme replied to your photo “updating face page sorry”

You have to be a model.

don't be silly omg i'm no model

[kariekermath]

Worth the wait

After waiting 23 long years to see a snowflake fall from the sky, warm winters are not my thing. My lifetime snow quota has yet to be met. I greet snow days with glee. So you can imagine my disappointment that temps have stayed well above freezing this winter. We’ve had rain – lots and lots of rain. But it’s been a no go on any form of wintery weather. Until now, my friends. Until now. We’ve got…

[kariekermath]

Cross streets One foot in front of the other - no matter how long the road. I know it's brutal. I also know that you can do this.

[kariekermath]

Alone in your head You aren't really alone - there are a lot of us who feel the exact same thing. Hugs to those of you who need one - a kind smile to those of you who don't want to be touched.

[kariekermath]

Checking my mirrors

Like most cars, mine comes fully equipped with an assortment of mirrors that all play a role in keeping me safe. Shhh, don’t tell the other two, but I have a favorite. The right mirror with its handy warning—Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear—reminds me that something unexpected might pop into view, and I need to be ready in case does. You know how you check your mirrors only…

[kariekermath]

I will not be silent...2019

I will not be silent…2019

Perhaps some of you need a refresher…

It is not your fault.

It is not your shame.

You do not have to be silent. (But it is always up to you. Do what feels right.)

Check out my original I will not be silent post.

For more information about the impact of PTSD and trauma on survivors and their loved ones, visit FriendsFightBack.com, a unique collaboration between a trauma survivor and a trauma…

[kariekermath]

Street signs

Triggers are curious.

Picture this – I’m cleaning my garage and pick up a box. There’s a piece of paper on the floor where the box used to be. I look at it. It’s one of those forms a moving company makes you sign when they deliver your stuff. It’s from November 3, 2016 – six months after my life imploded – and it has my still-married signature on it. My name looks familiar and bizarre all at…

[kariekermath]

Mental injury

Years ago, I choked on a bite of food. I’m not using the word choked lightly here, people. There was a moment when I believed I was about to die right in front of my child. I wasn’t coughing and sputtering – I couldn’t – because I wasn’t able to breathe – like, at all. It took a combination of the Heimlich maneuver and some serious pounding on my back, but after what seemed like an eternity, the…

[kariekermath]

Time bomb

Time bomb - a new post is out on the Vermilion Road!

May. Almost overnight, trees naked since before Halloween sprout bright green leaves, flowers pop, and the sun’s rays are warm enough to pink exposed cheeks and noses. School-aged children smell the freedom that lurks just out of reach, but it’s not yet hotter than an August day in hell. Nor are there insects buzzing around my head in endless loops until I think my mom might have been right and…

[kariekermath]

In my first post after our big Italian adventure, I promised to write about triggering while traveling. For those of you who have been waiting with bated breath for that post to drop, today’s your lucky day! Let’s dig in.

First, I want you to understand what a trigger is. To do that, I’m going to quote a book – my book, in fact, the one I co-authored with Dr. Lisa Campbell – if you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, click here for details.

Have you ever taken a bite of candy or smelled something familiar on a warm summer’s breeze that suddenly reminded you of a person, place or event from your childhood? Maybe it brought to mind your favorite teacher, a place you visited every August, or a game you used to play with the other kids on your block. Whatever it is that caused that surge of pleasant emotion and memory is called a “trigger.” Triggers can be things like sights, sounds, smells, and even thoughts, such as remembering anniversary dates. We respond to them with the same emotions that we felt for the original person, place, thing, or event.

Of course, triggers can also remind us of negative things, like traumatic events or someone who hurt us. These types of triggers can cause your PTSD symptoms to flare up in a flood of painful emotions and uncomfortable physiological experiences. To recover from PTSD, it’s essential to figure out what triggers you. Unfortunately, uncovering your triggers isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. Some of your PTSD triggers might be obvious, but others may be downright sneaky. (49)

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Much of the time, I trigger because of a memory. This might sound backwards. Instead of a physical thing triggering me, causing me to remember what happened, I think about what happened which can then trigger physiological symptoms. For example, if I recall the moment my child first told me about the crime or about my time on the stand during the trial, those memories then trigger an elevated heart rate, tightening in my chest, a pit in my stomach, or feeling shaky. This triggering can – but this is no longer inevitable – snowball into intrusive memories, a trigger-happy startle reflex, and hyper vigilance. The good news is that as I’ve become more adept at recognizing my triggers, I’ve also learned effective ways to shut them down before they escalate into full blown attacks that quickly gain the upper hand over my emotions, thoughts, and actions.

The first triggers on my Italian voyage brought on disruptions in sleep, which are the symptoms I struggle with the most and probably always will. I was prepared for them and was able to deal while vacationing, although they truly surged once we were safely back in our own beds. This, I was not expecting. If you want more details, check out my post To sleep or not to sleep?

The second triggering experience came as a total surprise and required me to expend a substantial amount of energy to avoid a massive explosion of symptoms. Normally, I love the type of event I was hoping to attend that night in Rome. I can only imagine it was a problem on our trip because I was already triggered by the increase in my sleep-related symptoms and – more importantly – because it also triggered my son.

In order to explain, I need to give you a little background info. Rome hosts a huge party on New Year’s Eve complete with midnight fireworks over the Colosseum. How fun is that? So, I structured our trip to spend Christmas in Venice and New Year’s in Rome.

That morning, we toured the Colosseum and walked all over the city, eating our first plates of carbonara – wistful sigh. As the afternoon progressed, road blocks were erected and we noticed a substantial uptick in the number of police officers on the streets. This is when I first started feeling a wee bit nervous about our evening plans. We were staying across the river in Trastevere and, despite the progress I’ve made in shedding my most disruptive safety habits, I was feeling like I needed an escape plan in case everything went bad while we were celebrating in the street with a million other people.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Metro stops were being shuttered and busses rerouted. We took a taxi back to our apartment for a few hours of rest. The ride took forever because so many roads were closed. My unease-ometer clicked up another notch.

The evening began and we set out to find dinner in our neighborhood. As we walked away from our street, some teenagers set off firecrackers nearby. My startle response activated. I was determined that it wasn’t going to stop me. I love fireworks – and we were in Rome to see them over the Colosseum. We kept going.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Everywhere was packed. Restaurants were sold out for the night – my bad, I definitely should have been prepared for that. So we kept walking, looking for a quick place to grab a bite to eat. Every time we turned a corner, there were more bangs and booms from new groups of kids. And they were loud, echoing off the buildings lining the narrow, cobblestone streets. I was no longer the only one struggling, Mr. C was right there with me, exhibiting visible signs of anxiety. The triggering was now a very big problem.

I managed to talk us both down long enough to find a take away pizza place and get us back to our room – about 20-30 minutes. While this may not sound like a big accomplishment, I can assure you that it was. Each time a firecracker exploded in our vicinity, my brain responded by urging me to run and hide. I know this sounds ridiculous. We were safe. We were not in any actual danger. I recognized that, even at the time. But here’s why that doesn’t matter – and why PTSD is so invasive and controlling – our brains told us that we were in danger. And when your brain initiates a full-blown fear response, it is impossible to ignore it.

It is excruciating to resist as your brain commands you to act.

The fact that we were able to keep going despite a nearly overwhelming urge to flee represented true progress. But by the time we were tucked in safely on the sofa of our apartment, pizza in hand, we were too exhausted to even contemplate going out again that night. Instead, we relaxed in our room and ventured onto the balcony at midnight, watching smaller firework displays over our neighbors’ rooftops. It wasn’t the evening I’d dreamed about for months, but that was ok. I had pushed back at my symptoms when they were most urgent. And I managed to keep my son calm at the same time. This was huge.

Next time I take a trip like this, I’ll be more prepared. Every time something unexpected triggers my symptoms, I file it away for later. As I continue to add to this list, there will be fewer possible options to take me by surprise. And the more times I practice healthy coping strategies – like talking us through a stressful New Year’s Eve walk through Trastevere – the easier they will become to implement when I need them most.

On a side note, the stress from New Year’s Eve didn’t stop us. The next morning, we got up and got right back out there. That afternoon, we took the metro four miles out of town and wandered the paths of Aqueduct Park – a true historical treasure and one of our trip highlights – alongside Roman families and a handful of tourists.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

All of today’s photos come from our days in Rome, a place we both want to return to… tomorrow if possible.

Thanks for reading!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Work cited:

Campbell, Lisa, and Karie A. Kermath. Behavioral Activation for PTSD: A Workbook for Men. Althea Press, 2018.

Behavioral Activation for PTSD

Triggers 101: boom, bang, pizza In my first post after our big Italian adventure, I promised to write about triggering while traveling.

[kariekermath]

The cat in the backpack

The cat in the backpack

Once upon a time, a mom embarked on an adventurewith her son, their two corgis, and Jasper – the cat in the backpack. They traveled by car from Upstate New York to Western Washington over the course of three weeks. They visited amazing places, slept in random motels, ate whatever they could forage along the interstates and highways, and listened to the soundtrack of Hamilton at least 300 times…

[kariekermath]

To sleep or not to sleep?

To sleep or not to sleep?

Even before my life went all topsy-turvy, sleeping through the night was not one of my gifts. I come by insomnia naturally. My grandpa used to joke that my grandma got up in the middle of the night because it was the only way she could get any time to herself. My mom and various aunts, uncles, and cousins all join me in regular observance of the family tradition.

At some point during most nights,…

[kariekermath]

Get up and go

Get up and go

“Maybe you don’t feel like it, but you need to do it anyway.” That’s what the little voice inside my head kept repeating this morning. It’s Sunday. I was still in my pajamas with a cat on my lap as the clock ticked ever closer to 10 am. I’m not going to lie, there are (many) days that I ignore that particular voice in my head, or that I pretend I don’t understand what it’s saying – like it’s…