#avoidance

[cloud9doll]

louise glück, the white series // claude monet, houses in the snow // fyodor dostoyevsky, the gentle spirit // jane o. wayne, with solitude //reddit user artsykate, winter nocturne with lonely road // joseph brodsky, to m.b. // fyodor dostoevsky, poor folk // caspar david friedrich, winter landscape // audre lorde, the cancer journals // mahmoud darwish, memory for forgetfulness

[desultory-suggestions]

Sometimes when we are afraid we have to center ourselves. Take deep and slow breathes, remind yourself who you are, and where you are. Feel the world beneath your feet and know you are connected to earth and it will hold you steady. Now go make that phone call you’re avoiding, I see you.

[aseaofquotes]

Beryl Markham, West with the Night

[pratchettquotes]

"You know I've always wanted a paperless office--"

"Yes, Archchancellor, that's why you hide it all in cupboards and throw it out of the window at night."

"Clean desk, clean mind," said the Archchancellor.

Terry Pratchett, The Truth

[avoidantrecovery]

my current avpd theory

i've been thinking and i think i have a theory about avpd based on all the things i've been reading and listening to lately.

i think avpd consists of/comes to be because of these things:

initial traumatic experience (that included some kind of rejection or ostracization)

no healthy way to process trauma or co-regulate with anyone

dissociation from the "real you" (it is associated with shame due to initial trauma, but also perhaps out of self-protection)

coping mechanism to make up for dissociated "real you" (masking, agoraphobia, social anxiety, co-dependency and/or enmeshment ("safe person"),...)

relational self via the "real you" remains underdeveloped or not there at all (so this could be b/c of masking, not engaging at all, ...)

lacking experiences of being "experienced by another person" as described in the infamous article/study as well as this post and this post.

this then spirals into the known avpd symptoms

the dissociation part is the important part though. i think this is key. the reason why people with avpd report this feeling of not being there, feeling invisible, etc... is because of this i think. for me i always felt like i was a robot or running on a "low flame". and when i use the term "dissociation" i'm using it as it is used in trauma and cptsd circles. a kind of detachment and separation from our own true being, feelings, thoughts, etc...

and when you're dissociated, it's hard to truly interact with people and practice that relational self muscle. instead, if you even have relationships with others, they are superficial, involve a lot of masking & mirroring and can only be kept up for so long, because that is exhausting in the long run. it's impossible to be genuine or vulnerable when you're not really there and not really being honest for the fear of repeating the trauma (shame and fear). and the more time passes with us desperately trying to engage others without our "real self" being in the drivers seat, the more we feel out of sync with everyone else and the more the formation of our relational self suffers and remains underdeveloped or not there at all. everything begins to compound into the known symptoms.

i don't know i've been going through old stuff (journals and letters) of mine and i'm so confused, but i'm trying to think through it all in the hopes of finding a way out. as always. 🥲 maybe the theory makes sense to others, too?

[adventures-in-therapy]

[serenityquest]

[starryeyedseeker]

Honestly my heart goes out to those people who can't bring themselves to do their school/work tasks because they're crushed by how intimidating it all feels. Or those who do their best but can't shake off that terror as they're doing it. Or those who kinda come close to ruining their professional lives because their inner fictional world is much more comforting than the real one, but still do their best to not let everything fall apart.

Like you know you've got tons to do. You know your success - heck, maybe your livelihood- is hinging on it. But you just can't. Everything is so intimidating and you're trying to get yourself to move, but your fictional world will comfort you and tell you that you're awesome, while the real will punch you down and it's up to you to stay afloat because if you drown, it sure as hell won't help you.

A lot of the way we've structured this world is scary. I just remembered that post about the modern world being built on denying human limitations and fuck is that an accurate post. And now with the current state of politics/society/whatever Gen-Z are n for a scarier time.

If you're putting off answering that email, if your hands are shaking and you whisper meek encouragements to yourself as you type, if you're thinking about the comfort your fictional world gives you and that makes you sad because why the hell can't the real world be like that? My heart goes out to you. You're not lazy, stupid or trying to skirt by 'real work'. You're just torn between survival and its difficulty and I'm so proud if you manage to finish the intimidating task even if it's not perfect or you were scared while doing it.

[93bratz]

AVOIDING THE SUBJECT

cool about it, boygenius / crying during sex, ethel cain / 3x09 “all the bells say”, succession / PRIDE., kendrick lamar / lady bird (2017) dir. greta gerwig / cinnamon girl, lana del rey / a primer for the small weird loves - richard siken

[ina-nis]

So many people seem to think it’s all a matter of “leaving your comfort zone” with issues of avoidance, and social avoidance.

But isn’t the concept of comfort zone a “a psychological state in which things feel familiar to a person and they are at ease and (perceive they are) in control of their environment, experiencing low levels of anxiety and stress“?

What is this “comfort zone” experienced by the avoidant? Is it even one to start with?

Living in a constant state of distress due to anxiety or loneliness; or perhaps in a constant state of dissociation and depression; or anything in between, don’t seem quite “comfortable” or coming from “low stress levels”.

The baseline an avoidant has to work with is a very, very uncomfortable one.

Imagine telling someone with chronic pain (who might have a lower or higher pain threshold than normal) that they should get out of their “comfort zone” and subject themselves to more painful stimuli, to build up resistance or some kind of tolerance - this is an actual form of therapy, and it does work for some people - but see how absurd it is, assuming a person’s baseline condition is any kind of “comfort zone”.

Of course, people who have chronic pain are treated poorly and have their symptoms taken for granted because such is society and the healthcare system is really bad.

It’s a given that a similar predicament will befall avoidants, too.

And they will internalize it - “well, I just need to get out of my comfort zone then, so everything will get better.”

What “comfort zone”? There’s no comfort zone.

You’ve been just coping with discomfort for too long. You become desensitized to it. You grow a thicker skin. You mask. You try the best you can. You involve yourself with distraction and hobbies. You try to not think about it.

But the discomfort is still there, even if you stop noticing it after a while.

[savagechickens]

Coping Strategy.

And more therapy.

[howifeltabouthim]

You must remember that most people don't like to hear when bad things happen. They can tolerate only a little here and there . . . If there are too many bad things, they plug their ears and vilify the victim. But a hundred very bad things happened to me. Am I supposed to be quiet? Bear my pain like a good girl? Or shall I be very bad and take it on the world? Either way I won't be loved.

Lisa Taddeo, from Animal

[contac]

[pratchettquotes]

Certainly he'd wanted to leave it behind, but that was the whole point. It would have been there. Even if he'd avoided it for the rest of his life, it would have still been a kind of anchor.

Terry Pratchett, Pyramids

[avoidantrecovery]

we need to talk about ostracism, self-isolation and rejection sensitivity

I've been reading about ostracism and was really surprised to find out how impactful it is in people's lives and how little it is talked about.

To keep things short (according to Kipling D. Williams, one of the leading scientists on the subject):

ostracism is the act of being ignored or excluded

it's different from bullying or other more "engaging" abusive behavior in that it's about completely shunning a person, excluding them, not talking to them or engaging them, not arguing, simply treating them like air

when a person is ostracized, the same parts of the brain are activated that activate for physical pain

taking a tylenol actually dampens the pain of ostracism

people feel the pain of ostracism, even if the group ostracizing them is filled with people they don't like

something as simple as the silent treatment or deliberate denial of eye-contact or handshakes can be considered ostracism

four needs are threatened when a person is ostracized: belonging, self-esteem, control and meaningful existence

it activates an ancient fear of being abandoned and left to fend for one's life alone

the ostracized will go through three phases: reflexive (immediate negative affect and pain), reflective (efforts to re-connect with group via social conformity; if this is not possible aggression or self-isolation and development of rejection-sensitivity) and resignation (long term ostracism: feelings of alienation, depression, helplessness and worthlessness)

For me, AvPD began after an ostracism event paired with other bullying I was going through at the time. This was many years ago, however there is a through-line from that event to who I am today. After being ostracized by a group of girls in my new school, I tried my best to negotiate my behavior, clothes, etc... and be re-included. And the moment I thought I had been re-included in their group (they pretended), they pranked me, which nearly led to me drowning during a school trip. From that day on, not deliberately, I slowly began to self-isolate and separate from other kids. I became very sensitive to rejection and just couldn't place why, I definitely hadn't been like that prior. I had been very extroverted by nature, but suddenly would not go anywhere other kids might be (like playgrounds or toy shops etc…)

Even when I did form friendships with people, later on, it was more of a mirroring and masking, never deep friendships and no relationships. I was still negotiating, trying my best to not put myself at risk of ostracism again. Same for education and jobs.

Anyway, after reading about ostracism and just how strong the impact can be, I believe this is why AvPD developed for me. I don't know if anyone else ever experienced similar, I feel like ostracism is something that is easy to overlook. I always thought that the near-drowning is what had been a key event for me. But it was actually the prior ostracism that made the near-drowning so much more potent as an event. The strong desire to be re-included in the group and only to have the rug pulled from under me and literally be left for dead. That lead to me then self-isolating and so on... can anyone relate?

(The book is called "Ostracism, Exclusion and Rejection" by Kipling D. Williams). There is also an article in the Scientific American on the topic: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-pain-of-exclusion/

[selkie-ifs]

Parts work is challenging when your loudest part is avoidance