#RAHHHH IM GOING INSANE NO RPOOFREAD

[leavingsunsets]

because im bored and going insane, have a little drabble because im going insane. ALSO THIS IS KINDA A CRACKFIC???? you and alastor be silly together. does a cutoff 'kys' count as a warning?

"𝔅𝔬𝔬𝔪 𝔅𝔬𝔬𝔪 𝔓𝔬𝔴."

[𝖠𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍𝗈𝗋 & 𝗀𝗇!𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋]

"I'm back!"

The slam of the hotel doors echo throughout the lobby, an empty one. To which you only notice after a few steps in, swinging the one plastic bags branded '8-11' in your one hand.

"Uh, Husk, where'd all the others go?" You call out, putting them down on the coffee table. "Husk?"

No response. It's also now that you notice the bar was empty. Huh. Where did everyone go?

...

They went out for another redemption activity or something?

(This was the time Cherri took them out to the club. They're out there being judged by the holy court while you were busy sneaking out to raid the convenience store.)

"Gah, whatever. More for me."

You scoop up the bags and bring 'em over to the kitchen, where your chef (the microwave) awaited. Unaware of the red creeping figure by the second floor balcony.

Now, with your multitude of food splayed on the kitchen island, you tap your fingers over each one of them.

"Hmm. A burger or mac' n' cheese... Hmm."

With a shrug, you pop both open and throw it in the microwave, the radiation machine whirring to life as you lean back.

The peace is only broken once a sudden buzz of radio fills the silence.

"Wow. What is this?"

You nearly land on your own ass at his presence, head snapping to look behind you. "!?! WHAT THE HELL?!"

The sight of Alastor happily humming as he rummages through your other bag is what greets you, much to your horror.

"The f- Don't touch that!" you hurriedly snatch the bag away from him, hugging the bulky thing to your chest. "Why're you even here?? I thought you were gone with the others!"

"Eh, some Cherri girl, and a hefty pay," he shrugs, leaning on his cane. "What's that you're heating?"

Putting aside your bag, you squint your eyes at him for a moment. "My dinner."

He stares, raising a brow, "..which is?"

"Mac n' cheese," you grumble, already expecting some kind of reaction from the Louisianian.

"Eugh," yup, there it is, "you call that dinner? Goodness." You sigh, crossing your arms and facing the microwave once more. You weren't in the mood for some kinda wit war with this guy right now.

"Hmph. Back to the search." With a snap, he teleports your bag back to him, already digging through it before you can protest.

"HEY!" you reach out to snatch it back again, only for him to swerve it away. He daintily brings out a blue and red pin between his pointed fingers. Your eyes go wide at it.

"Who's this clown-" he disintegrates right as you lunge across the counter. Reappearing after you land face first on the floor, he continues, "this is the first time I've seen a neon jester of all things."

Face scarlet, you quickly get up and attempt to grab at him. But of course, what was Alastor if not a little shit, rendering your efforts useless. He disintegrates into the floor just as you reach out, teleporting to the other side of the kitchen island.

"Wow! You have 10 of these!" at this point, he was just pulling out the contents, splaying them on the counter.

"ALASTOR! I AM GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE I SWEAR TO-" The words die on your tongue the moment you spot him slide out a neatly sealed envelope, decorated with stickers.

At this moment, you seem to lose all sense of fear, or maybe some sort of sensibility to ground you back in reality. As at this moment, you find yourself charging at the demon 100 kilometers per hour, body ready to take any damage if it meant to stop him from even glimpsing at who the recipient was.

Unfortunately, he already did.

"Oho! To think you were a superfan! Of Fizzarolli nonethele-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!"

The microwave beeped in a little musical tune, however, it went unheard as you were busy having a important civilized conversation with the distinguished gentleman with you right now.

He dodges, sadly, disappearing into thin air once more. You basically crash against the counter, upper body smacked against the countertop.

"Ooh, 'Dear, Fizzarolli, I'm your biggest fan! I just wanted to say-' "

Grabbing a pack of frozen croquettes, you fling it at his head, to which a black tentacle sprouts from the ground and smacks away.

You jab a finger at him, face red with humiliation, "YOU'RE AN ABOMINATION TO ORAL HYGIENE." The frozen package flies, knocking the microwave into its plug and jamming it into the socket. A spark.

Right at this moment, Emily hops up to join Charlie in this outcry against the cruel (bi)annual exorcism of heaven, Angel Dust takes a courageous stand against the walking volatile moth himself, and you?

You face your own heavy battle, to which you're not sure will end peacefully. Which is a little generous to say, as he just continues reading the letter despite your insult. You feel a vessel nearly pop at his dismissal.

" '-I started watching your shows just a few months after falling here and-' "

Another packaged burger comes flying at his head. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMNIT!" you screech, pissed.

"Hmm," for a second, he looks away contemplatively, tapping his chin. Then, it morphs into a smug smirk. "No. This is quite funny to me."

You grit your teeth tightly at his arrogance, veins about to pop, "This. Is why. Nobody. Likes you."

he leans over with a catlike smile, fluttering his lashes as he cutely lays against the kitchen island, kicking his feet slightly. "Awe yew mwad at mwee?"

Maybe it was just your temper, and his audacity, but at this point, you just explode.

"KILL YOURSE-"

And apparently, so did the microwave.

The first thing you feel is the machine's nuclear explosion just to your right, and the splatter of something gooey on your head. You blink.

The mac' n' cheese. You forgot about that.

Alastor remains unfazed and untouched, still lain across the counter and kicking his feet. Red eyes lazily glance at the absolutely blackened charr of a lump in the place of a perfectly functional microwave. "Hmm. Wonder what we're gonna do about that."

You are gonna insane if you have to spend one more minute with this man without strangling him.