#Seeing Hyunwoo devastated when he thought her dead.

[10underoot2]

I cannot stress enough how strongly episode 14 starts. I loved so much of it.

- Haein's beautiful monologue at the start. I love how it contrasts the Church conversation because he does remember and he's willing to still stay true to his promise of being by her side.

"We put emphasis on our happy moments but we dont know what the future hold for us. So we make promises we can't keep and laugh as if these happy moments will last forever. However, there is a dark side behind those radiant moments. When the magical moments dissapeared and hardships made me want to give up, a thought crossed mind. 'Sure, I've experienced many misfortunes, but I still have you.' And that helped me endure."

- The beautiful, beautiful way she tells Hyunwoo why she cannot get surgery if it means losing her memory. Notice how she draws him in a game of remember when. It's their memories that they're talking about and reminiscing. If she got the surgery the strength, the field, him, the memories they all cease. I can't imagine the pain of her knowing that all these memories and experiences would then be only his.

Honeymoon. Field. Trivial info - there was a pub. We drank and argued - intimate detail. Smile - ah I remember you saying that. Passed the field again - a beautiful moon.

"I still remember the smell, the moon and the wind of that day. That's what memories are. Being alive means I cherish those memories and drive strength from them. So those memories define me and my life. And I'll be losing them. This place will just become an ordinary field for me. And you will become a stranger. I'll no longer be myself. That's why I'm not getting the surgery. I've lived as myself and I'll die as such."

[thismanateelovestowrite]

Blue: Pt.29

Previous part: [Pt.28]

Warnings for this part: none

Minhyuk…

You wheezed as you tried to breathe in through the pain that made both your vision and mind blurry. Your head hurt and it was a miracle that you were still conscious. Still, your body moved on its own and you crawled away from the vehicle you had just crashed.

I’m sorry…

Your heart ached at the thought that you were still conscious and hadn’t lost your memory, which had been the motivation for you to crash the car. An unsuccessful plan that had been not only impulsive but also desperate.

What am I going to do now? I don’t want to hurt you…

Suddenly, there was nothing beneath your body and you began to fall. Your body ached even more after you stopped rolling. There was something hard and uncomfortable under your back but you couldn’t move your body anymore.

Since there was no light inside the forest and your vision was blurry, you couldn’t see anything other than a few light spots you assumed to be stars on the night sky. Their faint light comforted you.

As you lay there, the memories came flooding back. You could feel your feet ache only at the thought of running through the cold and dark forest. You remembered Minhyuk’s face of relief when you had stepped out from behind the tree. You came, your own voice from that time echoed inside your head.

Will you come this time, too?

You let the warm tears fall to the ground as you listened to the faint sounds of the forest. It was rather quiet but there were some sounds of what you figured were branches snapping. They got gradually louder. Soon they started to sound like hurried footsteps.

“______!” a familiar voice called your name, causing the corners of your mouth twitch in an attempt to smile.

The pain seemed to vanish as the footsteps got closer and closer. You could hear your name being called again and again. Your lips eventually curved into a smile as you listened to the familiar voice.

As you could feel your body starting to become powerless, the footsteps became louder and more hurried. Then, you could feel warm hands against your cheeks, accompanied by a worried voice call your name. The sound of other footsteps came closer but you just smiled.

“You came…”

***

“_____,” you opened your eyes at the sound of a familiar voice.

At first, all you could see were the white ceiling and walls, then the numerous plants. Then, your gaze stopped on Eunkyung.

“Eunkyung,” you smiled to the old friend.

She reached her hand towards you and petted your hair gently. “You’re here again,” she sighed.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized.

“It’s okay,” she said and helped you sit up on the bed. “You’re not dead yet.”

A small smile formed on your lips as you thought about Minhyuk.

Once again, he came to me.

Eunkyung looked at you silently for a bit before grabbing your hand with both of her own. “It was a stupid stunt nevertheless,” she scolded. “Promise me not to do such a thing ever again. You could end up dying.”

“I promise,” you reassured her and felt your heart ache. “Though, I kind of would prefer not waking up this time around…”

She furrowed her eyebrows ever so slightly upon seeing your smile fade. “Are you worried about what you know?” it was almost like she could read you mind.

You nodded. “What am I going to do, Eunkyung?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, somewhat sad. “I’m sorry. I wish I could help.”

You hung your head low as your mind filled with horrible scenarios and thoughts. You began thinking of ways to lose your memory, which scared even you when you realized how far your thoughts went. So, you shook your head to get rid of them.

“Listen,” Eunkyung spoke softly. “I know it’s hard for you right now. Still, don’t let the stress and anxiety take over your life.”

You forced a smile that didn’t last long, as you couldn’t shake off the thought of having to wake up and deal with the horrible reality. Eunkyung’s comforting presence made you want to stay with her longer, to at least come up with some sort of plan.

“Can’t I just stay here?” you asked with a lump inside your throat.

Her gaze was empathetic and sad. “As much as I would absolutely love your company, I don’t want to allow that. I know you can live a happy life.” You swiped away the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Once you wake up in the hospital, talk to him. You two should figure out what’s best for both,” she wrapped her arms around you and hugged you comfortingly. “I know it’s tough right now but don’t worry. You’ll get through this.”

***

Minhyuk’s POV

“The higher-ups have been captured by the Clan, excluding the two that died in the crash,” Yuna’s words caused different reactions in all the five of us.

“What are they planning to do with them?” Changkyun was first to ask, with a somewhat wicked smirk.

“I don’t know and quite honestly I do not want to know,” she shook her head.  

“Did the Clan suffer any losses?” Kihyun asked, causing Yuna’s expression to darken.

“Jiho was killed,” the mention of the leader made everyone grow silent.

“Who’s going to take her place?” Hyunwoo asked the question we all wanted to ask but were nervous to hear the answer.

“The Clan is so shattered right now that they haven’t gotten around to discussing that matter just yet. I think I’ll have to be there when they do, though. Who knows, I might be able to convince them to choose someone a little less aggressive,” Yuna explained.

“I’ll come with you,” Hyunwoo spoke and she nodded.

“Sounds like a good idea since you are all ex-members,” she shrugged and frowned soon after. “Where’s Hyungwon?”

“Took off, haven’t seen him after all the action started,” Changkyun hissed.

“We talked about trying to find him now that things have calmed down a little,” Jooheon explained to Yuna. “Being the hothead he is, he’s going to get himself into trouble sooner or later.”

“Speaking of that,” Hyunwoo jumped in on the conversation. “I think we should probably leave now. The longer we wait, the harder it could get to find him.”

He received nods of agreement from the others.

“I’ll stay here,” Kihyun stated. “With this one,” he pointed at me. “To keep him sane. And keep him from doing stupid stuff.”

The three nodded and glanced at Yuna.

“I’m going to stay for a while,” she said. “I want to make sure _____ is okay. I’ll notify you once I hear from the Clan.”

And so, the trio left, leaving a silence behind. As I listened to the sounds coming from the end of the corridor, my mind quickly became filled with thoughts of _____. After we had brought her there, I hadn’t seen her again. The doctors told us that she needed surgery, so I assumed that was where she was.

“Any news on ______?” Yuna eventually broke the silence.

I shook my head. “I think she’s still in surgery.” Kihyun snickered beside me, causing me to look at him with a frown. “Sorry, I just find it funny how radical she can be.”

I sighed. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

“What do you mean?” Yuna frowned in confusion.

“Oh, just the fact that ______ was the one who caused the crash,” Kihyun grinned. “One of the higher-ups was still alive when we got there. With his last breath, he cursed ______ to hell and back for causing the crash.”

That idiot… We could have saved her without such drastic measures…

“About ______... There’s something I need to tell you, Minhyuk,” Yuna mumbled.

I looked at her. “What is it?”

“The higher-ups,” she began but hesitated to continue.

“What about them?”

“As a part of their plan to get rid of you, they informed ______ of your past,” she seemed cautious after finishing her sentence. Kihyun seemed taken aback by her words.

“And?” I asked, not quite grasping why the two suddenly seemed so serious.

“Minhyuk,” I felt Kihyun’s hand on my shoulder and I looked at him in confusion.

“Her knowing such things is dangerous,” Yuna explained.

I let out a sigh. “Listen… Quite honestly, right now I’m more concerned about her life than her knowing my depressing backstory.”

Kihyun and Yuna exchanged glances, as if seeking help from one another. Neither seemed to know what to say, though.

“Don’t worry,” I tried to reassure them. “She would never hurt me.”

“Not intentionally,” Yuna agreed. “But it takes so little, just one simple slip of tongue, to trigger memories, especially bad ones. And for our kind, that leads to death.”

“You’re making this sound really dramatic,” I frowned. “Honestly, I don’t really mind. All I want is to be with her.”

“And what happens to her when she accidentally kills you?” Kihyun’s harsh tone surprised me. “Did you think about that? About how you would feel if you accidentally caused her death?”

His words dug into my heart like daggers. The seriousness of the situation suddenly dawned on me.

“Minhyuk, this isn’t something you can decide so easily,” Yuna emphasized. “Her knowing about your past is probably a huge burden for her. I’m afraid it will cause her to be nothing but stressed and anxious around you.”

My heart ached at the thought of her going through such suffering. As I imagined myself in her place, I could only think about how scared I would be of accidentally revealing everything to her. If the thought terrified me, I figured it would terrify her, too.

“I think her motivation behind crashing the car was related to this,” Yuna stated as I felt a painful lump form inside my throat.

Idiot…

“Seeing how far she’s able to go for you… I think you have to seriously consider whether you should stay in her life or not…”

I looked at her in disbelief. “What?”

Her gaze was apologetic. “I know it probably sounds horrible to you but it might be the best thing to do. That way, she would be saved from the stress and anxiety that would come from the fear of hurting you.”

Devastated at the thought of not having her in my life, I had to sit down on the chair next to me. I buried my face in my hands as the lump inside my throat grew bigger and bigger. “Is that my only option?” I voiced my thoughts.

“Well,” Kihyun began after a brief silence. “There is the option of trying to make her lose her memory.”

At first thought, the idea sounded rather pleasant. Then I imagined what lengths we would have to go to in attempt to do so. It would be exhausting and probably painful for both her and me.

“But I don’t think it’s a very good idea,” Kihyun stated with a sigh.

“Me neither,” Yuna agreed.

I let out a sigh of frustration as I couldn’t think of anything. The thought of being separated from her was the most heartbreaking yet probably most effective and the safest.

“If she wakes up and doesn’t seem to remember anything, I think it would be safe to assume that she has forgotten about you. Still, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to take the risk of everything coming back to her upon seeing you,” Yuna wondered. “And if she hasn’t lost her memory… It would maybe be for the best for you to just… disappear quietly…”

***

Though many people passed by me, I didn’t pay any attention to them. I had become numb to the sounds and movement around me. My mind had become blank and the only thing that remained was the feeling of someone crushing my heart in their fist.

Yuna wasn’t there anymore and Kihyun had gone somewhere, too. I sat on the uncomfortable chair, staring at nothing until someone stopped right in front of me, forcing me to pay attention on them. As I looked up, I was greeted by a familiar face.

“You’re here,” I stood up from the chair to bow to ______’s panting Mother.

“Thank you for calling me,” she staggered and I instinctively grabbed her arm to steady her.

“I think you should sit down,” I said and helped her sit down on the chair I had been sitting on for lord knows how long. “Would you like me to go get some water for you?”

She shook her head and held onto my hand. “Do you know where she is right now?” she looked up at me after a while and I could feel a small sting inside my heart as her eyes reminded me of ______. “Has she gotten out of surgery yet?”

“Yes,” I nodded and she leaned back in the chair with a relieved sigh. “They said that everything went well. She’s in that room over there,” I pointed at a door a little further away.

“Thank goodness,” she exclaimed. “But why are you waiting out here? Were you not allowed to enter her room?”

“I was told that I could go there if I wanted to,” I couldn’t look her in the eye.

“Then why are you here?” she questioned with raised eyebrows.

I couldn’t respond to her straight away. It was hard for me to say the things I had been planning to say.

“Minhyuk?”

“Can I ask you for a favor?” I asked.

“What is it?”

“Once ______ wakes up… If she asks about me, could you…” I hesitated. “Maybe act like you don’t know who I am?”

She frowned and tilted her head slightly. “What? Why would you ask for such a thing?”

I swallowed down the lump inside my throat. “The reason why she’s hurt right now is because of me. After I entered her life, she has gotten hurt many times because of me. I’m afraid I’ll keep hurting her if I remain in her life…”

“But why do you want me to act like I don’t know you? Can’t you just talk about it with her?”

“I’m afraid that talking with her will only make it harder for me to leave. Also, I think telling her that you don’t know me will hurt her less than telling her that I left her.”

She didn’t seem convinced by my plan and I worried that she might refuse.

“I know this is sudden and probably confusing but… If I stay, she’ll only keep getting hurt in the future. So, please,” I looked at her in the eye. “Please help me.”

***

As ______’s Mother paced around the white room, mumbling incoherent things under her breath, I stood in the corner silently. She couldn’t see me as that was what I wanted, and neither would ______ upon waking up. I had decided that I would wait and see, then make my final decision.

She’s alive, at least, I thought with a slight sense of relief as the lump on the hospital bed moved slightly.

It would have been a severe understatement to say that I was nervous. In fact, I was horrified to the point of feeling nauseous. I kind of just wanted for that moment to last forever, for me to be able to look at her like that for an eternity.

Whatever happens…

I felt stinging pain in my eyes as tears gathered in them. I wanted to go closer, I wanted to hold her hand, I wanted to kiss her forehead… But I couldn’t.

I love you.

Almost like magic, she started to move. “Why is it so bright in here?” I could hear her small voice say and I felt a wave of relief go through me.

Her Mother hurried over to her. “______, thank goodness, you’re awake.”

The tears continued to roll down my cheeks thanks to the overwhelming sense of relief I felt.

“How do you feel?” her Mother asked the question that was on my mind.

“Broken,” _____’s voice was as faint as a whisper but the slight joking tone in it made me smile.

“Do you want me to go get the doctor for you?” her Mother was almost about to leave when _____ stopped her.

“No, it’s okay,” ______ held onto her with a small smile that warmed my heart.

Her Mother sat down on the chair that had been placed next to the bed. She let out a sigh. “Thank goodness you’re okay… Can you imagine how shocked I was to hear that you had gotten into a serious car accident?”

“I’m sorry,” ______ smiled apologetically.

As her Mother petted her hair, I felt slightly envious; I wanted to do the same thing. I also longed to hug her and tell her how relieved I was that she was okay. Yet, there I stood in the corner of the room, crying silently.

“Where are the others?” ______ broke the silence that had gone on for a while.

I froze and held my breath. The tears stopped running as I anxiously waited for what would happen next.

“Who are you talking about?” her Mother asked.

“Minhyuk.”

Tears fell down my cheeks once again. This time, instead the feeling of relief, they were accompanied by an awful heartache.

My sign had come. The time for my final decision.

Her Mother was silent for a bit. “Who’s that?”

I’m sorry…

I began to walk towards the room’s open door, hanging my head low.

“Minhyuk, the guy you want me to date,” ______ explained.

“Minhyuk? Hmm… I can’t seem to remember such a person,” I was grateful for her Mother’s words.

I wanted to just walk out and not look back, knowing that looking at her would only pain my heart more. But I couldn’t help myself. I needed one last glance.

“What do you mean you don’t remember him? Don’t play with me. You were ready to marry me off to him, I swear,” she claimed with a frown.

I looked at her pretty face, already knowing how much I would miss seeing it.

“What? You found someone like that? Why haven’t you told me?” her Mother kept the act up.

_____’s expression darkened. “Mom… What’s going on? Why are you acting like this?”

“I swear, sweetie, I do not remember such a person.”

I finally turned my back to the two and walked out of the room. They continued to bicker and their voices slowly began to fade out as I walked away from the room. I barely noticed that Kihyun had been waiting for me. Without having to ask anything, he understood what had happened.

“Minhyuk!” I could hear ______’s voice call my name, the desperation in her voice causing my heart to ache. “Are you here?!”

Goodbye.

Next part: [pt.30]

Other parts: [Masterlist]