#So I’m super used to seeing all kinds of animal medical interventions.

[mammalidentifier]

Do you know if male mules typically have nipples?

I wasn’t sure and I also couldn’t find a straight answer for that (I’m surprised at how little information there is on animal nipples online. Doesn’t anyone get curious about random topics like this?) so I went down a little rabbit hole and resorted to looking at images and watching videos of male mules being gelded, heh.

Well, what I can tell you is that none of the mules I saw during this brief research had nipples! Of course, the conclusion here isn’t that male mules never have them, since it was a small sample size. But there’s a possibility they might favor their horse half on this aspect!

[hazard-and-friends]

canine intervention, e4 or: we take a side step into family therapy

as is the theme, he's making a good point it's just driving me batty: exercise is REALLY important and most american dogs are not remotely receiving enough exercise

"emotional service dog" ESAs are not service dogs. service dogs are not ESAs. does she task or not

dog is a year old maltipoo so we're on 3 of 4 dogs who are under 3 years old

she's been called an emotional support pet and a service dog in quick succession but it doesn't SOUND like she tasks

important definitions time:

an emotional support animal only needs to do that. they can be anything, they just need to make you feel better. they are considered a medical prescription and you need a doctor's note. you can keep ESAs in apartments with the note and not pay pet rent.

a service dog (or miniature horse, those are the two allowed) has a task it performs that cannot be replicated by a stuffed animal. the dog has to do something actively to mitigate a disability. a service dog is medical equipment and can go anywhere with very limited exceptions.

an ESA cannot go into the grocery store, movie theatre, school... but a service dog can.

i hate!!! this thing about how having the toys readily accessible loses the dog's motivation for them. can it? sure. but i tried rotating hazard's toys for a couple weeks and all that happened was he got stressed and stopped playing with toys, because he didn't know whether they would be available. all but two toys are 100% available now and he's still super interested in toy play

(the two are: flirt pole, which doesn't make sense to have available, and a very boring tug for use when he's SUPER amped and i'm having delusions of grandeur)

"There's no real leverage in having the leash hooked up to a harness so when it's time to make leash pressure, any kind of leash corrections, you're not really able to do it." not seeing the problem here

the problems with that specific harness for ME are:

the dog doesn't like having it put on and

it's one of those clothing-with-leash-attachment-built-in ones, so it's not likely got good stitching and may fail at a bad time

right right yes i forgot it is entirely about [checks notes] controlling their 10 lb white fluffy dog

oh LMAO her booties are to keep her feet clean? i thought it was bc the pavement was too hot

i see the point we're making here and again, hate agreeing with him, but right now on walks they put the dog in booties and a frilly harness, bring a dog stroller and backpack?

no wonder the dog is acting out she doesn't dog otherwise

"Engaging a dog with treats teaches them how to focus on their pack leader" i am losing my goddamn mind

anyway it's fucking hilarious that they use the same size box for this cat-sized dog as they do for a giant german shepherd, what is the POINT of the box

listen platforms have a use but they need to be SIZED TO THE DOG

meanwhile: "A handler loses value as a pack leader when they repeat commands"

pause because penny jumped down from the counter, realized that the bedroom door was closed, tried to go into the main room, There Was A Dog, so then she went into her litter box to sulk. and we laughed at her bc we're horrible.

anyway still mad abut the ESA/service dog thing bc this is a BIG THING and it's REAL IMPORTANT to get right

dog's lovely inside, won't sit in wet grass. okay, fine. lots of ways to work through this. including...taking the dog by leash right next to the harness and pulling her tail down?

anyway owner has her in a better harness now instead of the collar "cause I don't wanna choke her"

"You don't have to choke her but the correction is still necessary" is it tho

"This is where you're making it harder for Andrew cause he doesn't have all the tools" yeah like an understanding of shaping and luring? no, like a slip collar. ok then.

"Without a slip collar, a tug doesn't register as a correction" good (also it can, with very sensitive dogs)

idk what other people are seeing, but i'm seeing a trainer putting a lot of emotional pressure on the owner to change what she's comfortable with. "I can't have you being the reason we can't get over this hill". yikes.

he's putting a wedge in between this kid and his mother? what the FUCK dude.

i showed that clip to jo who has now been ranting about it for the last 10 minutes

in sum: he is undermining her authority, pitting the kids against the mom in what had previously been a healthy dynamic, and singling out the kid in a way that's making him uncomfortable but manipulated such that he can't speak up about it

and like. this is the #1 show on netflix right now. how fucking weird is it for the kid? to know that his family is now all over the internet, that everyone's talking about it?? jesus christ

and there ends tonight's rant

[feelin-woozy]

Ok so I've never rlly done an ask before so sksk idk if this would be an odd request. Can I get some hc for the main 6 w an mc struggling w addictions (drugs, alcohol) and how they'd handle them?

TW: Substance abuse! I always have so much to say for these asks and it gets a bit messy and long so I apologize for that!!

Asra

When he first finds out, it’s hard for him. Maybe he’s had his suspicions but didn’t wanna call you out on it just in case he was wrong. Because that could get ugly.  

I don’t know how long he could stay with you if you weren’t willing to get better. Just watching you slowly kill yourself after he worked so hard to bring you back. It would break his heart to see you like that.

Encourages you to let him get you help but doesn’t force it upon you. He wants you to get better for yourself, not for anyone else. Though he’s obviously going to strongly push for you to get better.

Even when you fall of the wagon, you can see he’s disappointed but he never verbalizes it or makes it shameful. He always assures you that it’s okay and it doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

He just holds your hand through the ups and the downs.

I’d imagine he’d take you on some trip for some time. Maybe you guys go to Nopal for awhile to get you through the first bit away from any temptations.

Nadia

When she first finds out, she’s upset and shocked. Maybe a bit that you didn’t tell her but she also understands why you wouldn’t. If she just catches you high/consistently hammered, that’s one thing but if she caught you stealing from her to afford your habit that’s another. That would spark a whole new fight.

Would naturally be upset by this, doesn’t judge you in any sort of way but it’s hard to see your loved ones in such a state. It’s the stealing that she has issues with, just seeing what addictions could drive you to hurts a lot.

If you didn’t want to get better, ho, that’s a tough one. On one hand maybe she’d kick you out of the palace because she doesn’t want to enable you. On the other hand, she doesn’t want to put you on the streets. So I think she’d just have someone baby sit you and try and limit her contact with you.

Not that she doesn’t want to see you but it hurts so much to see you like that and every time she sees you and you refuse to get better, it just salts the wounds.

Encourages you to let her get you help, will find you the best of care and be with you every step of the way. Watching you withdraw would 

Tbh out of all of them I think she’d be the most likely to be ill-equip to deal with this. Yes she can get you splendid help but I don’t think she’s really been around addicts save for like Valerius but he’s a functioning addict. (So if you’re like Val, she might not realize it’s a problem.)

Wants to educate herself and understand your struggles and tbh coming out of this, I could so see her opening up some sort of treatment center in Vesuvia because she’s seen what addiction has done to you. She wants to be able to help others as well.

Julian

Mm is it bad if I say that he’d be kind of an enabler? Not intentionally of course but I have headcanons that he himself struggles with alcohol addiction.

Maybe seeing you struggle so much with whatever substance you’re using is what makes him realize how bad of shape he’s in too. His logic is how can he help you when he can hardly help himself.

So he proposes the idea of getting better together.

If you didn’t want to get better, he might fall into that and spiral with you till Portia and or Mazelinka are like whoa, hold your horses and attempt to drag you out of the pit you two dug.

If he decides to get better and you don’t, he’s really upset. He knows you’re bad for him and he’s caught between needing to leave you for his own recovery and wanting to stay with you because you have his heart.

Oh fuck, imagine if you were stealing medical shit from Julian and got addicted to that.

That would piss him off, I think that’s one of the few times you’d truly piss any of the LIs off with an addiction. Sure they’d get frustrated but when it comes to theft, that’s smth else.

He would not only be angry//disappointed with you but with himself for not catching it sooner, not looking up his stuff. 

Would be adamant on you getting clean because he sure as hell isn’t going to be supplying you with junk to get high.

Just so fucking worried about you, especially if you’ve resorted to stealing his medicinal stuff.

Portia

It depends what your addicted to. 

She’s less likely to notice if you drink a lot bc she grew up around Mazelinka and Julian and they live the pirate life style of drinking all the time. So unless you’re constantly falling over drunk, she won’t really notice much.

Of course if she realizes you have a problem, she’s going to encourage you to get help. It’d be hard for her but she’d offer to kick drinking more or less with you. Or at the very least she wouldn’t drink around you. 

If it’s something else, she’s gunna be a bit more adamant on you getting clean. Not in a pushy way just concerned. Like if she catches you strung out, she’s gunna be very worried.

If you didn’t want to get clean, I don’t know how long she would put up with that. She’s a busy woman and doesn’t have the time to baby sit you as you spend your time getting drunk//high. She’ll make the time to get you help but if you just spit in her face when it comes to getting clean, she wants to save herself some heartache.

Might be like ‘Go see Asra, I’m sorry. I can’t do this.’ If she did this though, she’s going to be talking to him regularly because she still cares so deeply for you and your well being.

Muriel

Tbh I think he would be the best for you out of everyone.

In the sense that he would get you away from your life, you aren’t going to be ending up at the bar or scoring when you’re in a hut in the forest. And generally, when getting clean they suggest you cut out all those old factors and go somewhere fresh so I think Muriel would be super beneficial in getting clean.

He would take good care of you too. Living on the streets, he’s probably seen this kinda shit. I imagine him trying to shelter Asra from it too, like just imagine they’re walking and pass by someone slumped over strung out and Asra’s asking questions and Muriel’s just like ‘he’s just sleeping.’ or whatever and bc Asra is so young he just kinda accepts it.

If you didn’t want to get clean, well that’s another story. I don’t think you’d be really welcome around his hut and i don’t think you’d go there often either. That’s not anywhere near where you could get high/drunk so you’d have to need to.

It would break Muriel’s heart as you slowly stopped coming by. He would check up with Asra often to make sure you’re okay and I think Asra and him would try and sit you down for an intervention.

Lucio

Hm this one is tricky. Because I see him as a bit of a party animal, he throws these extravagant parties where he just goes ham right? So I’d imagine that he’d engage in some rec drug use every now and again. So he wouldn’t wanna seem like this kill joy for calling you on your problem.

But he’d be actually so worried for you because ‘Hey, I like to have fun too but this is a little excessive.’

He’s the most pushy in your seeking help. Refuses to support your habit and that might start some fights between you but he refuses to let you use him like that.

That said, he doesn’t judge you at all for your addictions. Everything he’s doing is out of worry and fear of losing you. He might not go about it delicately but he just wants.

Even when you relapse or smth and you expect him to pick a fight over it. That doesn’t happen, he just picks you up and helps you get back on your way again.

If you didn’t want to get clean, I think he’d actually kick you out. I don’t think this is the right thing to do at all but he was raised with tough love so he might revert back to that? He’s a softie though he’d be worried about you every second and would likely go back on kicking you out.and pull a Nadia where he just has someone watching over you.

[mojoflower]

My child with CIDP (a chronic neurologic illness)

Thank you for asking, @sunshinemeansmylove.  I’m always happy to share our story -- it’s cathartic.  And also, *I find it interesting, so I assume others do, too ;)

Almost ten years ago, when Phoenix had just turned 5, he started walking oddly.  We didn’t think much of it for a day or two, because he didn’t complain of anything hurting.  It got bad enough that one of his preschool teachers asked about it, so we took him in for x-rays and whatnot.  But they found nothing.  They put him in a boot for possible Kholer Disease, just in case (I don’t even know what that doctor was thinking), and with the boot, he essentially stopped walking altogether, and kept saying he didn’t want to go to preschool anymore:  so I took him out.

Within a week he’d stopped playing as much.  He appeared quite content just watching everyone else play.  He’d only stand on sidewalks instead of going on the grass.  (You need to know that he already had a long history of medical shit, because he didn’t walk until after 2, and didn’t talk until late, and was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Delay and “symptoms relating to autism” and had had 3 years of intensive therapies and Early Intervention by this point.  So I figured the grass thing was sensory, instead of balance.)

He started doing stairs on his bottom, instead of walking, and one day he fell down them.  (We’d moved into a new house... with stairs... only 4 months earlier.  Of course.)  The next day, he was on the living room floor, playing with his matchbox cars, and couldn’t get up.  That was the last time he stood for weeks.

All this time, he remained sweet-natured and amenable and never said that anything hurt.  But now he couldn’t walk and couldn’t stand.  We rushed him to the Children’s Hospital (which in Atlanta is very reputable, thankfuckinggod).  They ran tests.  Oh, god, they ran tests.  He didn’t have reflexes at all, and couldn’t feel his hands and feet.  This is hands-down the most terrifying period of my life, ever.

Finally, with a spinal tap and a horrifically invasive and ghastly and painful EMG test (wherein they jab a pin into your thigh muscle, poke another further down the leg and run an electrical current between the two to measure degree of  blockage in the transmission).  Phoenix had complete nerve conduction blockage (100% paralysis of his legs... it was moderately better in his arms and hands).

He cried and screamed and begged me and Daddy to help him while the doctor was doing this (it took something like half an hour).  But they couldn’t give him pain killers or tranquilizers of just knock him out, b/c that would have messed with their results, so we had to hold him down.  It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and to this day I won’t go to the hospital without a bottle of xanax in my purse, because the doctors can’t prescribe it for the parents, even though EVERYONE NEEDS IT, because you have to be calm for your kid.  Fuck, I’m crying just thinking about it.

We brought him everywhere in a little red wagon, which CHOA uses instead of wheelchairs, all nestled up with blankets and his lambie.

(One utterly thoughtless fucker -- not his neurologist -- said if his nerves didn’t work and it was progressive, it’d eventually move up his arms and legs until it reached his heart and lungs and suppressed breathing and then he’d die.  Which is factually true, but jesus christ.)

We thought he was going to die.  Over less than 20 days he’d gone from normal(-ish) healthy kid to a lump in a hospital bed who couldn’t move his legs at all and couldn’t wrap his hands around anything, couldn’t hold you back when you held him.

CIDP in children is incredibly rare.  It’s a super-rare condition regardless, but usually people get it as adults (average age 50).  It’s something like .000005% of the population.  Like, maybe there are 20 kids in the entirety of metro Atlanta who have it.  CIDP is a neuropathy in which the person’s immune system begins attacking the insulating sheath (myelin) around nerve cells, starting at the peripheral nervous system (hands/feet, legs/arms).  Without this fatty sheath, electrical signals from the brain simply don’t transmit to the muscles.  In many cases, there’s intense, phantom pain associated with it, but thankfully, Phoenix has only ever been numb, and I pray with my whole atheist heart and soul that it never changes.

But we lucked out, and the neurologist we got at CHOA identified CIDP fairly quickly (within a week, during which we never left the hospital, of course) and started him on IVIg.  IVIg is intravenous immunoglobulin -- essentially strained human plasma -- to remove all but the specific antibody Ig.

(SO PLEASE:  GO DONATE OR SELL YOUR PLASMA, it’s keeping kids like mine out of wheelchairs.  It costs more than gold, it cannot be synthesized or taken from animals.  They don’t know the exact mechanism by which it works (they call it a “black box”) but it does, and it’s fucking miraculous.)

With sufficient IVIg, the myelin sheath is repaired fairly rapidly.  At first, he needed infusions every three days.  (Generally, specialists told me, kids his age will go into remission after a year or two.  Phoenix, bless, is special and never has, even though I kept waiting and waiting.  Almost ten years later, and he’s steady like clockwork, remission never on the horizon.)  Over the years, we’ve managed to stretch the intervals to 15 weeks.  Which is great, because insurance HATES US:  the pharmacy cost alone is easily $100k+ a year, not to mention hospital stays and clinics.  Annually, we have to defend his need to go at whatever interval it is at the time, they’re always pushing us to stretch it further.

So he’s been on maintenance for many years.  There are some visual cues if he begins to decline, like his feet slapping when he walks, or using the bannister with two hands when he goes upstairs, but it’s not always that obvious.  This week, I asked him if it was the CIDP when he tried to get out of band practice for the third time, and he said yes, but I don’t see those other cues (although he’s been laying on the sofa for a few weeks and has stopped hanging out with his friends and is sleeping longer) so I don’t know if I just handed him a really good excuse to stay home and play computer games.

He’s been low-key complaining for about a week, and our next IVIg appointment isn’t until Oct. 1st.  You have to schedule months in advance so rescheduling for earlier isn’t possible, not to mention insurance will gleefully not pay if it’s earlier than 15 weeks (which means $9-$17k out of pocket, depending on the whimsy/voodoo of the hospital billing department).

So.  Yeah.  This is what it’s like to have a child with a chronic illness.  (CIDP is Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy, btw.  It’s essentially the lifelong version of Guillain-Barré, that thing you see warning signs about when you go get your flu shot.  It can only be maintained, not cured.)  This is a good example of why it’s so vital for laws to prevent insurance companies from turning people down due to preexisting conditions.

It’s hard, as a parent.  He could be a typical teen who’d rather not spend all day in school... or his nervous system could very literally be slowly deteriorating.  I have to make judgement calls all the time, and sometimes I’m wrong.  It’s kind of terrifying.

[dancinginodessa]

better late than never

I do a survey every year on New Year’s. It’s currently February 5. We’re going to make it “in the new year” this time so I don’t break my fifteen-year streak, okay?

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?

Many things, some of them not suitable for a general audience. (I’ll tell you about Psych Bike when you’re older.) I went camping for the first time, which also means I set up a tent and slept outdoors for the first time. I had a surprise party for the first time, which is less something I did than something that was done for me. I was brave in new ways and drew new boundaries. I finished my first cross-stitching project. I broke my elbow. That last one actually sucked and I am not inclined to do it again.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My sole resolution is always to read a certain number of books in the coming year. After an intervention from my therapist back in 2018, I’ve kept that number at 52, and this year I again succeeded with 63 total. I would like to think I enjoyed them more and chose them with greater discretion because I wasn’t racing towards an impossible goalpost. 

I’m keeping my resolution. I’m also keeping the implicit sub-resolution, which is to continue finding ways to be kind to myself. We’ll see.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don’t think so, which probably means I’ve forgotten an ENTIRE BABY. Sorry, baby!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My grandmother, in October. It was long and slow and agonizing and I miss her terribly.

5. What countries did you visit?

Does...does New Jersey count as a country? 

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

A better singing voice, which means I am going to have to keep singing. But it wasn’t until 2019 that I was brave enough to do karaoke at all, so maybe this is possible!

Also, a short story published somewhere. Hell, scratch that - a short story, finished.

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

October 6: my father’s stroke.

October 7: my grandmother’s death.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving. 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not telling people what I needed; relatedly, pretending to myself that I didn’t have needs at all. No one benefits from that. It’s just a good way to cultivate resentment.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I broke my damn elbow while carrying La Croix and no one will ever let me live it down. Also got the sniffles a few times.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Opera tickets to The Queen of Spades, maybe. The jigsaw puzzle I gave Griffin for the holidays, not least because he got me a jigsaw puzzle too and the moment we realized what we’d done was so, so delightful. Honorable mentions: bus tickets, medication, this one really great sweater.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My mother. Me. Anyone on Twitter who made me laugh, especially Ashley Feinberg. The folks at One Story for being so kind when I left. My therapist.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My mother. Me. The entire administration. The rest of Twitter. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, food, and alcohol, perhaps not in that order. If my parents ask: in that order.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Fourth of July at the pirate ship; Psych Bike; karaoke night; any of a million things in this neighborhood, because this neighborhood now feels like home, and that’s the most exciting thing of all.

Also, Animal Crossing, though it got bumped until 2020 and I am only just hanging on.

16. What song will always remind you of 2019?

Among others, “The Bad Touch,” because it turns out I absolutely crush that one at karaoke night. Ditto “Truth Hurts.” 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Sadder, but how could I not be?

ii. thinner or fatter? Unclear (love 2 have dysmorphia), but I think I gained a few pounds.

iii. richer or poorer? Roughly the same, which is frankly an achievement.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleeping. Writing. Asking for what I needed. Crocheting and cross-stitching and watching dumb TV. Kissing. Setting firm boundaries with someone in my industry who was harassing me, though that situation is (mostly?) resolved. Being brave - but I was already pretty brave.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Waiting for bad things to happen. They happen whether or not you expect them.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

My grandma is dead - did I mention? So Christmas was spent with my parents at our house, just the three of us. It was strange and sad but kind of wonderful, too. We are all figuring out how this family fits together now that there are fewer of us.

January 7: went to church, went to the Strand, went home and ate soup with Griffin because he was sick and I wanted to be with my buddy.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

Kept falling.

22. How many one-night stands?

Funny story! Funny story that I’m not going to put in writing.

23. What was your favourite TV program?

I didn’t watch much TV, but rewatching Parks and Rec has been great, even if some of it didn’t age super well. I’m also literally the last person on the internet to watch The Great British Baking Show and am 10000% on board.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. I’m too tired.

25. What was the best book you read?

I have a whole list, and I could not possibly tell you my favorite favorite. However, a few contenders would be Disappearing Earth by Julia Phillips, Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb, Flights by Olga Tokarczuk, Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino, In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado, etc. etc. etc...

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I’m not sure I actually listened to much that would qualify as a discover and not an extension of my existing interests, but I did discover that music is beginning to bring me joy the way it did in college and which I had been sorely missing.

27. What did you want and get?

A diagnosis. It’s good to have the words for yourself.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

Lord. What even came out in 2019? I only just saw Parasite last weekend, here in 2020, but it counts, and I’m choosing that. Midsommar ruled too.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28 and went to a nice dinner with my boyfriend that turned out to be a surprise party with my friends. It was great and I cried. 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My grandmother.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?

Bisexuality™

32. What kept you sane?

Last year I said “In no particular order: therapy, my mom, crocheting, cross-stitching, the New York Times crossword, gummy worms, venting to Karen, coffee.”

And...that’s about right.

Shoutout to Xanax, though.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ruby Tandoh, William Jackson Harper, Michael B. Jordan, Janelle Monae, the bear from MIdsommar (that last one is a joke)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Everything, but especially family separation.

35. Who did you miss?

My parents, especially after the stroke. My grandmother, always. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

The entire neighborhood crew. I am so lucky to have them.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019:

You can make it through more than you imagined.

[thepandistory]

I am sharing a reflection here from 2019 written by Yasietha Krishnakulasingam who relates the “Pandi” film to her own relationship with mental health struggles. She contacted me this year to let me know how the film had made an impact on her. Thank you Yasietha for sharing this deeply honest and bold piece!  - Saroja Ponnambalam

“I wrote this over a year ago. I didn’t feel like I could share this at the time. The path to addressing my mental health hasn’t been a straightforward one; it’s one that has seen momentum and lulls in equal measure, with both hurdles and, thankfully, help. I’m sharing this because I think watching this documentary helped push me to begin addressing my mental health and I am grateful for that. I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the varying external factors that affect mental health; things like access to affordable housing, the reality of precarious employment, student debt and structural forms of discrimination, just  to name a few. I think part of our responsibility to one another is addressing these issues.

Pandi

I recently attended a screening of the documentary Pandi, hosted by South Asian Visual Arts Centre (SAVAC) and Tangled Art + Disability. After the question and answer period I left the screening eager for the privacy to collect my thoughts and then proceeded to spend the drive home crying. I arrived home greeted by my resigned mother, pleading with me to tell her what was wrong. If you don’t tell me how will I understand? I think to some extent my mother does understand, despite lacking the formal language to create a conversation around mental health, I know my mother understands my loneliness, I know that in some ways we are a reflection of each other. I know that her desire to see me married is her misguided attempt to address it. We repeat history, inhaling the past and exhaling the only future we know.

I told myself that I wanted to write a review of this documentary—I think what I really wanted was to write.  I wanted to write to Pandi. I wanted to talk to him about his scripts. I wanted to stand alongside him as he burned money and tell him that I too am tired. I wanted to tell him that I see him and in seeing him I can no longer avoid looking at myself.

But I can’t tell him these things because he is dead.  Pandi killed himself.

The documentary Pandi, directed by his niece Maria-Saroja Ponnambalam, is an exploration of the life of this young filmmaker—a continuous struggle between creative expression and financial pragmatism that is compounded by deteriorating mental health.

As a new immigrant to Canada Pandi moves in with his brother Ponnu and his young family, father of director Maria-Saroja. Within 2 months, upon the insistence of his family, he is working odd jobs to make money. At one point he is working 80 hours a week with the goal of saving enough money to both finance his scripts and show the Canadian Government that he is stable enough to sponsor a fiancé when the time comes. Despite interventions with counselling and medication, Pandi’s mental health continues to worsen in Canada. Ponnu suggests he move back to India, informing his sister in Chennai that she should watch over him, with the instructions to make sure he take “all the  medications”.

In India Pandi continues to write, with the mounting pressure to fulfill his financial obligations, he talks openly about suicide. His nephew discusses how Pandi would write dates on chits of paper, asking him to choose his final date, alluding to the day he would kill himself.  One day Pandi is found dead hanging from the ceiling in his bedroom.

It is only years later uncovering Pandi’s old super 8 reels in Canada that Maria-Saroja Ponnambalam  begins questioning what happened to her sick uncle Pandi. How had Pandi become reduced to boxes and unspoken memories? Through home videos, animations of her uncles scripts and very personal interviews with family members, Maria-Saroja pieces together a picture of Pandi’s  life. Pandi keeps writing, keeps creating scripts even as life pressures him to conform to a more conventionally productive life. In one animation depicting a scene from one of Pandi’s scripts, Pandi exclaims to a lover Reena that “I am not a good person to marry”.

It is a common mistakenly held belief that people who talk about suicide do not actually commit the act. When Pandi discusses suicide with his family it is brushed aside as a means of seeking attention   During the Q/A session, Indu  Vashist, executive director of SAVAC, raised an important point, what is so wrong with giving someone attention?

Gomathi, Pandi’s sister, discusses this dilemma briefly in the film, stating that her family was able to give Pandi love and affection to an extent, but that as a grownup “he has to look after himself”. I found myself thinking about this, that maybe we have somehow conditioned ourselves and the people around us into profound loneliness. How do we create community when we are surrounded by the siloes created under the grand pretext of romantic love?

I think it is possible that we resent people who openly display their pain and ask for help because too many of us have been taught to suffer in silence. Some of us go on to ultimately wrap our pain in art —to create as a form of catharsis, a kind of inversion. I think there is something meaningful in that. But if someone writes a beautiful poem about how painful their existence is, can we respond in a way that amounts to more than a facebook like? Maybe if we can find compassion for others, we can extend some of that compassion to ourselves.  

Maria Saroja, reflecting on the film during the Q/A session believes she may have been too harsh on her family, recognizing that dealing with one’s own mental health and the mental health of family members is often a complicated process. We are not all mental health professionals—these people exist for a reason. However I am realizing more and more that we have a responsibility to one another, to reach out to one another without shame not only when we are suffering, but when we see that others are suffering too. Even as I write this I know how difficult it is, how difficult it is to breach the cocoon of our busy lives and reach out to others. I feel myself falling into a kind of commuter apathy, trying to get home through the path of least resistance. I look out the window of the train and know that I have become a passenger in my own life.

I know I am depressed. I know that sleeping away my time is a coping mechanism. I know I have dissociated from myself to get through day to day living. I know I prioritize making money over experiencing joy. I know I am finally trying to address some of these issues.

What happens when we do not have the language to address our mental health needs with our families? When the stigma shrouds conversations in shame? Mental health problems may not feel tangible, but their consequences are tangibly felt by those suffering. The film Pandi beautifully and honestly addresses mental health in a Tamil family, art that is cross-culturally accessible opens the possibility for conversations.

 As the film ends with shots of Pandi, an almost haunting panorama on a balcony in Toronto, there is a visceral awareness that his was a life that sought expression and ultimately witness. So I find myself unable to look away, grateful to his niece, film maker Maria Saroja Ponnambalam for piecing together fragments of his life.

Pandi turns the camera onto the viewer, focuses the lens and asks the question, what happens after you confront the truth?

How do we heal”

Yasietha Krishnakulasingam

[fbwzoo]

what do you think of people handling their hermit crabs? i want to try feeding them some blueberries so they get used to me holding them and me in general. i've heard some people say you shouldn't, though?

Okay, answer take 2!! Bc accidental page refreshes are the devil.

So I’ve had a lot of thoughts on this topic lately & have been meaning to make a post. I hope you don’t mind if this turns into a bit of a super long rambly thing that shares some of the different POVs I’ve been going through in my head! I will put the short & sweet answer here in bold before all the rambly bits.

This is a frequently debated topic on my hermit crab groups - the official stance of all three groups is that it’s preferable to NOT handle hermit crabs, for two main reasons.

1) Most of us do not live in their native conditions & the air out of their tank is too cool and/or too dry.

2) Hermit crabs are prey animals who generally see us as predators.

I will say that I completely agree with this stance & the reasons behind it, and this is a big part of why I don’t handle my hermit crabs. Everything after this is from my internal discussion on the potential pros & cons on handling & other thoughts on the topic.

The reason there has been debate is because there ARE people who mention having friendlier crabs, ones that don’t run away when the human approaches the tank, and supposedly even some crabs that actively try to climb into hands or up arms. I…would honestly kind of like to see some video of these behaviors (and may have just missed it if someone did post at some point), but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I have had at least one crab who was pretty chill with me being near the tank, even opening the lid.

There are also people who think that it seems more reasonable to try & show hermit crabs that we’re not Super Dangerous Predators, since they will have to live in captivity so long and well, it IS kind of sad to see them scurry for cover & be so afraid of us.

My first thought is to try & compare this to hedgehogs, as the other prey animal I have the most experience with. But unfortunately, it doesn’t really work well - hedgehogs and hermit crabs are just too different. Hedgehogs are generally confirmed more capable of learning a human won’t eat them & becoming calmer with socialization. Hedgehogs also have to be handled to maintain health & grooming. And hedgehogs can & usually are handled from babies, which makes it more likely for them to realize that humans aren’t going to eat them.

With hermit crabs… they’re already at least a couple years old by the time they’re brought into captivity. The process of capture & transport is traumatic, abusive, and overall extremely stressful, assuming they manage to survive that stage at all. So all of this doesn’t set up a fantastic base for associating humans with anything other than stress.

On top of that…we still just don’t know much about how hermit crabs WORK. As far as I know, we don’t know much about things like…

- body language (outside of the obvious things like running away, hiding in shell, pinching)- effects of minor stresses that build up (we know major stress leads to things like Post Purchase Syndrome, where they drop limbs, may leave their shell & streak, and/or die)- abilities to learn from interactions- how their memory works

The first is fairly obvious in why it’d be useful to know when deciding whether or not to handle hermit crabs. Same with the second - I’m sure it would vary by crab, but how much stress is too much? How can we tell how stressed a crab is by handling, if they’re not showing obvious defensive behaviors? How big is the risk that the stress may build up and cause trouble molting or other issues? Obviously an owner concerned with keeping happy & healthy crabs would stop if seeing any major signs of bad results from handling like that, but is it too late at that point?

The last two I think are useful/important in determining whether acclimating hermit crabs to handling is even useful & worth the potential negative effects. Most animals that we’ve done research on so far do indicate that they’re pretty capable of learning from interactions. It’s a pretty basic survival trait - “hey, this thing hurt me, I need to remember to avoid it in the future so I don’t die” & “hey this thing gave me some tasty food, that was cool” & so on. So a hermit crab could probably also learn that when that large grabby thing comes down & holds still, if I investigate, it might have a tasty treat for me. It’s just a matter of how long it might take them & how stressed they might be about the entire situation before they catch on that the outcome is “tasty treats” not “pain and probable death”.

The memory thing comes into play because of molting. We still don’t know what all goes on with hermit crabs when they molt & all of the effects on them. I know I’ve read a fair number of reports of hermit crabs being jumpier and quicker to hide after molting - sometimes this seems to pass after a couple weeks, sometimes a previously-friendly crab stays very skittish after a molt. So what’s up with that? Does their memory reset? Is it a case of being underground for so long that everything aboveground is suddenly overwhelming because it’s not just a nice peaceful empty cave? We don’t really know. So there seems like a small possibility that all of the stress & work of handling/taming sessions may end up for nothing after the hermit crab’s next molt. May not be a problem for the human, might be. Is it worth causing that extra stress to the hermit crab if they’ll just forget the friendly overtures & go back to being afraid of you anyway?

One last major point - the whole health/husbandry thing. With hedgehogs, they can get injuries & illness that we can do something about - they can be taken to the vet, they can be given medication & treated for injuries to prolong their life &  preserve quality of life. Hermit crabs….well, not so much. They don’t have many illnesses that we know anything about, for one thing. With those illnesses, they aren’t anything that we could take a hermit crab to the vet for. Vets can’t do a thing about Post Purchase Syndrome. I have read a little bit about shell rot, but not all that much (I need to read more - there does seem to be a treatment for it, but I’m not sure what the research/info behind the treatment is). The biggest things a human can do for a “sick” hermit crab that is Very Very Stressed is provide an appropriate environment, healthy healing foods, and just….leave them alone. Reduce stress. Let them be & see if they can bounce back. Obviously that isn’t going to include handling.

(And honestly, not to sidetrack too much, but I have some serious doubts about the amount of handling & intervention that is sometimes given to hermit crabs that have lost most or all of their legs or are pretty far gone. Like yeah, some have been saved, but…what do we know about quality of life during that process? I feel like euthanasia should be considered more often in some of these cases, tbh.)

Personally, all of this comes down to “I don’t see the point”. I don’t have the time or patience, to be honest, and I don’t see the need to put my hermit crabs through the stressful parts of the process if it’s not something I can keep up with. Someone else’s opinion may differ & they may be interested in giving it a try. Provided it’s done in a safe way for the hermit crab - don’t lift them out of the tank (if your house conditions are inappropriate), pay attention to body language, go slowly, try to keep stress to a minimum - I’m not going to call someone a bad owner for wanting to try & befriend their hermit crabs. Especially if it’s coming from a place of wanting them to not be scared of the human’s appearance by the tank. I know I feel bad when I scare my babies into hiding while just trying to change their food. And hey, if you have a hermit crab or more that even seem interested in you, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to increase their stress by allowing them to climb on your hand in the tank & such. 

Okay, rambling done, I think. Feel free to continue discussion or ask questions! If you actually read this ridiculous novel of an answer, I appreciate you & I hope it wasn’t too boring! XD