#Sweet dreams with this superb ensemble... really really good.

[et-in-cinerem-reverteris]

Class of 1953 - Chapters 4/4.5 - Louder Than Bombs/Rubber Ring

“Phil, I think you are the strangest person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.”

“Hey, you’re equally weird,” he teases. 

“I know. That’s why I think you’re so wonderful.”

I’m back with my 1950s historical Oxford university AU fic-cum-novella-thing. Sorry I haven’t been posting the chapters to Tumblr! Here are chapters 4 and 4.5 - soon I will be posting chapter 5 (possibly the last chapter!)

Click me to read on Ao3! 

Or keep reading under the cut...

Chapter 4 - Louder Than Bombs

The passing of time, and all of its sickening crimes, is making Phil nervous again.

Sitting sideways at the top of his bed with his feet swinging off the edge like a bored schoolboy, he idly fumbles with the pages of an open book as he stares into space, waiting. 

Last Sunday he had promised Dan that he could use his room as a space to get homework done. Tonight, the gravity of the situation has only just begun to dawn on him. He imagines the scene with a quickened heartbeat; Dan sitting only a foot away, using his chair, working at his desk and writing with his pens, Dan pacing around his room, scrutinising his photographs, flicking through his records and reading the titles of his books. Phil doesn’t know how to prepare himself. Meeting up in public is one thing, but a private visit to his room feels like quite another.

He laughs out loud at himself. Private visit? Dan’s only coming to study for Christ’s sake. 

Speaking of studying, he has his own work to attend to. Lying on his lap is a copy of Beowulf, deliberately planted there to create the impression of a student deeply engaged in a spot of serious reading. Unfortunately for Phil Beowulf has been unable to capture his imagination, and so instead he has spent the last ten minutes or so staring at the contents of his hastily tidied room. His desk is decluttered, his bed has been made, and all the odd pairs of socks have been picked off the floor and put away in preparation for Dan’s visit. 

All is silent bar the low hum of his desk lamp. It’s a quiet Friday evening, and the normally raucous quad now only echoes sporadic bursts of hushed chatter. Tonight’s sky is peppered with clouds that pass the moon at random intervals, periodically obscuring a strange halo that encircles the bright rock in a mysterious reddish glow. The curtains lie wide open, and a streak of moonlight falls on the pinboard opposite his bed. Littered with cinema tickets, clippings from environmental magazines, ripped out pages and uncashed cheques, the most recent addition to the board is a cluster of pictures he took of the photography club on an impromptu walk by the River Cherwell. The top photograph shows Bill squinting at the sun while Mary gives Beth a precarious looking piggyback ride, both of them smiling as John holds his palms up to the toppling ensemble and posing as tourists do next to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Phil remembers how the group of them skimmed stones across the muddy water, competing to see who could get the furthest, until Beth had beat Bill’s expert hand with a fluke stone that skipped so far into the distance that none of them could tell where it had landed. He thinks of that day with a smile. Good times.

*rat-tat-tat*

At last! Springing off his mattress he dashes towards the mirror, spruces up his quiff, takes in a deep breath and opens the door.

“Hallo! Ho-”

Phil is interrupted as Dan comes crashing into the room, stumbling past him and lurching towards the desk as a large pile of books, folders and papers fall from his arms and scatter across the surface in a heap. He releases a long sigh, and then turns around to face his host with a sheepish smile.

“Sorry for bursting in here like that. My arms were starting to get cramped under the weight of all these books, and I had to put them down. Anyway, how are you?” 

“I’m fine but err, quick question,” Phil starts. “Why didn’t you just use a bag?” 

Dan’s smile fades and his eyes glaze over, mouth opening and closing as his brows furrow in confusion. “Now that you mention it, I um, don’t know why on earth I didn’t think of that.” He throws his hands into the air. “God knows what’s up with me.” Embarrassed, he turns around and begins to organise the jumbled papers.

“What’s all this you’ve got here then?” Phil asks, flopping down onto the bed and leaning his back against the wall as he watches Dan.

“It’s mostly some notes about Schubert. We have to study the last few decades of his life, so I bought a few books from home with me that I thought I’d be able to flick through. And um,” he picks up a piece of paper, “I’ve also got to work towards a portfolio of compositions, so really I’ve got a mountain of stuff to do.”

“Sounds daunting.”

“Mmmm.” He sits down in the chair next to Phil’s desk, adjusting the angle of the lamp as he kicks off his shoes. “So,” he continues, turning around, “what are you up to then?”

Phil nonchalantly waves his book in the air. “Just Beowulf.” 

Dan scoffs. “Just Beowulf? Come on, Phil! It’s only one of the most important pieces of English literature of all time!” Shaking his head in disbelief, he turns back around. “‘Just Beowulf’... Jesus.”

After a couple of minutes of silence Phil suddenly realises that Dan has started working. As in actually working. In the past they had both joked about being chronic procrastinators, and so Phil had predicted that the night would end up with them talking about books, politics or musicals instead of doing homework. He’s a bit surprised that Dan was serious about wanting to use his room just to study in, and to be truthful, he’s also a little disappointed. 

To make matters worse, as the other boy works away Phil finds himself unable to concentrate on the book in front of him; no matter how hard he tries to focus, all thoughts invariably trace back to his companion. He examines the back of his neck, the collar of his shirt, the knit of his jumper and how it falls on his lanky build. Dan will occasionally sing or hum a tune to himself, scribble something down and then repeat that same harmony with a few added notes, moving the fingers on his right hand as if he were in front of a piano. It’s a peaceful sight, captivatingly peaceful, and his concentration trickles down the drain. To hell with reading anyway. 

His thoughts meander back to a familiar daydream; Dan’s life in Wokingham. Phil’s imagination frequently returns to a scene of Dan sitting in a lavish study, playing the piano as golden sun leaks through an open window, balmy air wafting inside on a sweet summer evening. In tonight’s incarnation Phil envisions himself there sitting on the wooden floor, pondering over verses of romantic poetry, reading aloud a particularly pleasant stanza to Dan who would glance up from the piano and give him one of those warm, glowing smiles where his dimples make him look utterly angeli-

It’s a silly dream really, very silly indeed, and Phil feels ashamed for ever having dreamt it. With a glum sense of self-restraint, he turns back to his homework and tries extra-hard to concentrate on it. 

An hour or so passes in the little room on staircase nine, and after a while Phil finds himself lulled into the lethargic contentment that only rewards avid readers, and to his amazement he realises that Anglo-Saxon poetry about Danish kings and mythical beasts isn’t as tedious as he had previously dreaded. 

Satisfied with his progress, he bookmarks his page and closes the book with a thump. Dan’s neck twitches at the sound, and, as if abruptly reminded of the existence of the outside world, he drops his pen, massages his hands, and stretches his long, slender arms out into the air behind him. 

“Right, I’m throwing in the towel or else I shall die of a Schu-verload,” he exhales, leaning backwards and cracking his spine on the back of the chair.

“Schu...verload?” 

Dan swivels around to give him a dry scowl. “Schubert-overload, you fool.”

“Oh!” Phil exclaims, and the pair of them erupt into laughter. “Sorry, my brain has just been fried by one-thousand year old poetry. I’m feeling a bit,” he yawns, “a bit sleepy.”

Getting up from his chair and stretching some more, Dan paces over to the window and peers out of it before unhinging the lock and propping it open. Cold air sails through the room, ruffling his curls as he stares out into the dark night.

“Nice view you’ve got from up here.”

“Thanks,” Phil quips, fully aware of the fact that his room faces into a fairly dull courtyard.

“I’m serious. I think it’s grand that you’ve got a view of the chapel. It’s terribly romantic.” He steps away from the window, attention turning to a nearby shelf which houses a small record collection that appears to spark his enthusiasm. “You’ve got some superb albums here. Handel, Tchaikovsky, Chopin…” He looks over to where Phil has propped himself up against his headboard. “I respect those choices.” 

“Thanks, although I mainly put them on for background noise. I’m not a major classical geek or anything.”

The other boy guffaws. “Like me?”

“No, not like you,” Phil tuts, and his pretend frown turns into another yawn.

“Busy day?” Dan grins.

“Busy day, busy week, busy month. Hectic month, in fact.”

Nodding in solidarity Dan sits down at the bottom of Phil’s bed and reclines with his back against the wall, closing his eyes with a faint smile still on his face. As the pair of them sit in silence Phil's own eyelids get heavier, and budding in his chest is a drowsy desire to snuggle up into a cosy cocoon and burrow into the bedcovers, falling deeper and deeper into the comfort of his soft, warm sheets...

When he awakes, Dan is staring straight at him.

“Hmmm, what? Did I fall asleep?”

“Quite possibly. God, I know I’m about to.” Dan’s eyelids flicker downwards as his smile fades. He looks exhausted, really exhausted, and Phil feels like there’s something he should do about it.

“Hey.” 

Dan’s shoots up. Phil shuffles across his narrow bed and moves closer to the wall, patting the small space next to him in invitation. The other boy’s eyes widen for a moment before he melts into a soft, sleepy smile, then gets up slowly and gingerly sits on the bed, lies down next to Phil, then shuffles around so that he’s facing...facing him...and then closes his eyes as if it’s nothing.

Phil blinks in confusion. His more logical side knows that sleeping on the same bed as a friend is something that people do without batting an eyelid, but next to Dan it feels different - symbolic, even. Regardless, or perhaps because of that feeling, he shuffles round to face the other man and observes his sleeping face, his pale skin, his dark freckles, his thick brown eyebrows and long brown eyelashes. 

Suddenly, the eyelashes open.

“Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me use your room to study in, you doofus,” he teases, words coming out slightly sluggish.

“Mmmm, that’s alright. It’s the least I can do considering how you spoiled me last Saturday. I think I should be the one thanking you.”

Dan shifts slightly, and Phil feels their shins are now pressed up against each other. His soul sings. If he were more awake his heart might be racing in an exhilarated panic, but in his tired state all he can do is feel strangely happy. Happy...and cold.

“Why on earth is it so freezing in here?” he asks, confused and a little dazed, and as he props himself up on his elbow he sees that the window has been left open. “Da-an!”

“What?” he whines through the pillow.

“You didn’t close the window!”

“Close it then.”

Phil groans, flopping back down onto the bed. “I can’t be bothered!”

“Well in that case we’ll just have to huddle together like penguins then,” and with his eyes still closed Dan moves across the bed until their faces are centimetres apart. Now Phil’s heart starts to quicken.

“I can’t, it’s too much.”

Dan’s eyes fly open as Phil gets up from the bed and walks over to the window. Worried that he’s made a deadly mistake he buries his head into the pillow and waits for Phil to order him out of his room, out into the cold, out into the darkness for a long, lonely walk back to his own miserable dormitory.

The window clunks shut, and then the bed becomes a lot heavier. Dan removes his face from the pillow to see Phil gazing down at him.

“I thought…I thought you were about to abandon me.”

“What? Abandon you? Where would I go?” He chuckles. “I was cold, that’s all. I wouldn’t leave you here like that.” 

Dan beams up at him with flushed cheeks. “You still cold?”

A smirk lets itself out. “Maybe.”

Dan unfurls his right arm across the width of the bed and lifts his left arm into the air. Phil slowly begins to panic. A hug? Is he pulling him in for a hug? A hug with Dan and his arms wrapped around him holding him lying there together on his bed a-

Okay. 

Enough.

Phil looks back at Dan. His stare is dark and strong, profound and meaningful, and it makes him feel safe. He takes the plunge and lowers himself down. Dan pulls him into a hug, arms wrapping around his back and drawing him close to his chest. Phil can hear the low thump of Dan’s heartbeat and smell the warm, musky scent that lingers on his jumper. He places his arms on Dan’s ribcage, fingers fiddling with the cable knit patterns. The pair adjust themselves slightly, moving shoulders, moving heads, moving their legs and intertwining them together, drifting off to the wide, sleepy sea in a boat built for two.

Chapter 4.5 - Rubber Ring

Phil had been asleep.

Phil had been asleep, until somebody had knocked on his door. 

Phil had been planning on going back to sleep, until through the still of night he had heard a familiar voice whispering his name.

Shaking the sleep from his bones, Phil opens his curtains, stumbles towards the door, turns the key in the lock and prepares himself for whatever lies waiting for him in the hallway.

“Dan?”

“G’d evening”

“W...what are you doing here?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Fancy a stroll?”

“A stroll? Are you insane?” Phil repeats mockingly, shivering from the cool air in the hallway. “Dan, it’s...” He checks his wrist, and frowns when he sees that it’s naked.

“1 a.m. on a Wednesday night? I know. So, what d’you say?”

Really, he should say no. He really should. It’s one in the morning, it’s a weeknight, he’s got lectures tomorrow and the weather outside is probably cold enough to freeze him to his core within five minutes. He should say no, he really should, but there’s something about roaming the shadowy streets at midnight with Dan that’s far too exciting to turn down.

“Give me thirty seconds and I’ll be right with you.”

Diving back into his room to grab the first items of clothing that he sees, Phil can’t help but feel slightly frenzied. When Dan was in his room last it had ended with the pair of them falling asleep entangled in each other’s arms. Phil hadn’t forgotten that. He had far from forgotten that. Memories of that night had floated through the air ever since, landing on him with the delicate wings of a wistful daydream that left him blushing as it flew away. Now, to both his surprise and his delight, this same boy is knocking on his door and asking for his accompaniment on a ridiculous small-hour escapade.

As he wraps his scarf around his collar, he looks across the room to the moonlit part of his pinboard. One particular piece of paper stands out, and he moves in closer to read it - it’s a quote scribbled onto a scrap of blue paper.

“I looked up at the mass of signs and stars in the night sky and laid myself open for the first time to the benign indifference of the world." 

How strange. He’s had that Albert Camus line scribbled onto a piece of paper for years now, and yet never in his life has it seemed so appropriate as it does right this moment. With a peculiar feeling of rebirth he thrusts his feet into the nearest pair of shoes he can find, and opens the door into the corridor. 

Dan is leaning against the wall of the hallway. The pose strikes him as familiar, and with a shock of nostalgia Phil is transported back to the night when the two of them first met. He remembers how Dan stood in the doorway to the photography club - arms folded, ankles crossed, sly smirk plastered to his mischievous face. How things have changed between them since then. 

Phil locks the door, pockets the key, and when he turns around Dan is staring absentmindedly at the floor with his eyes boring holes into nothingness. Suddenly he blinks, looks up, and his eyes instantly meet Phil’s with a vivid, bittersweet gaze that makes everything else in the world feel like it’s falling away.

It feels like the passing touch of a stranger’s hand on the small of his back at a lavish party. It feels like the shock of a cherry liqueur that stuns the taste buds and leaves behind a decadent, sumptuous and moreish aftertaste. It feels like the sight of a full moon from the balcony of his Grecian holiday home, wind rustling through the leaves as the waves whisper beneath him. Phil’s heart melts... and then he realises. 

He just might be in love.

“What are you thinking about?” Dan asks, breaking the silence as his eyelids hang low. Phil looks at those dark, pretty eyelashes on those dark, pretty eyes, rolls his shoulders back, and sighs.

“Mmmm, nothing.” 

He turns to walk down the narrow hallway with Dan following close behind. They push through the heavy wooden door at the end of the hallway and descend onto the staircase, making their way down the steps that lead out of the building.

“So tell me then, how did you manage to get up to my room?” Phil inquires. “Did Rapunzel let her hair down over the Fellow’s Garden wall for you to use as a rope to climb up?”

Dan laughs. “No, not quite.”

“Well go on then, how did you do it? Surely the main college door would have been locked?”

“Not tonight apparently, I pushed it, and lo and behold it was open. There wasn’t a porter there either. Poor sod’s probably raiding the college’s wine cellar,” he adds with a chuckle.

“Dan! The porters aren’t drunkards.”

“I know I know, but it must be bloody boring just sitting there all night. I know I’d raid the stash if I were them.”

“What, and allow unruly boys who can’t settle down to come and break in to the college grounds? You’d make a great porter.”

“That is why I am not a porter, but a devilish, wicked boy who breaks into colleges so he can sneak into other boys’ bedrooms,” he smiles.

Phil’s mind almost shuts down at that latter part. Out of sheer bewilderment his brain decides to respond by bellowing out “you are a saucy boy” in his best Lord Capulet impression, which has the effect of making Dan double over into a fit of laughter, tears streaming down his face as he wheezes the word “saucy” through silent giggles.  

As they exit the building they’re struck by the biting December cold. Careful to tread lightly across the echoing stone slabs, they stealth across the smaller quad that Phil’s bedroom faces into, creep past the chapel, and step through to the larger quad wherein lies a perfectly-maintained square lawn.

“Hey!” Dan whispers.

“What?”

“Shall we walk across the grass?”

“What? Dan! We can’t do that!” Phil hisses. “We’ll get caught and fined and-”

“Oh stop it! We’re already breaking the rules by sneaking out past 10 p.m. Tarnishing an overly-pampered lawn isn’t any worse.”

Before Phil has time to protest, Dan has already set foot on the forbidden pasture.

“Dan stop! For fuc-”

“Catch me if you can!” 

The boy runs around in circles as Phil loiters on the edge, deliberating on whether or not he should join in, until he looks around the quad and, upon seeing nobody, finally decides to indulge in Dan’s game. They race around the turf, skidding and slipping and ripping up the grass. Phil tries to reach Dan, but no matter how hard he struggles he never seems to be able to catch up.

“What’s that Lester? Too slow are we?” Dan taunts, placing a hand on his hip.

That’s it, Phil thinks. 

Time to put Dan in his place. 

With a final burst of energy Phil lunges forward, hurtling himself towards the other man in a push that sends them crashing to the floor, foreheads colliding with a knock that’ll have both of them bruised by the time the sun shines.

“Ow, shit! My head!”

“You alright?”

Phil rolls off onto the cold lawn, swiftly disentangling himself from the mess of limbs as Dan pushes himself off the ground with a grunt of effort.

“Jesus Christ Phil! What are you, some sort of juggernaut?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Sometimes I don’t know my own strength.”

Dan breathes in deeply, eyes flitting over Phil’s body before travelling back up to meet him.

“Evidently not.”

There’s a moment of silence as they recover, and Phil notices that a few blades of grass are stuck to Dan’s face. Without thinking he reaches out a hand to brush them off, fingers briefly skimming across the surface of the boy’s cheek. Dan’s eyes are wide, and his breath is hot against Phil’s hand, lips parted as his eyes lock with Phil’s. There’s a presence in those eyes that Phil has seen before. Inspecting. Asking. Phil wants to trace his thumb across the surface of Dan’s panting mouth with those big, blinking, innocent eyes staring up at him, maybe slip in a finger and feel that soft, wet tongue...but the flare of uncertainty in his chest tells him to remove his hand, stand up from the ground, and say “shall we get going then?” in the steadiest voice he can muster.

After hoisting Dan up from the ground they creep across the quad towards the lodge where the porter sits. Or rather, where the porter normally sits.

“Hmmm. Still nobody here,” Dan confirms, crooking his head around the front desk.

Phil opens the latch of the small door and steps out. “Quickly then. We don’t want to get caught.” Dan hurries across the cobbled entrance, following him through the exit as it shuts behind them with a soft click.

As soon as they’re out the college gates Dan reaches into his coat and pulls out a small bottle of alcohol. Ah. That would explain a lot. He offers it to Phil, who nods in gratitude and takes a sip.

“Eurgh!” 

Dan laughs. “You don’t like whiskey?” Phil screws his eyes shut, shaking his head as if trying to rid himself of the taste. “Ah well - more for me!” 

On second thoughts, if Dan’s already drunk Phil doesn’t want to be the only one who’s sober, and so he reaches for the bottle with grabbing hands as Dan takes a healthy swig. Although he raises his eyebrows at Phil’s unexplained change of opinion, he hands it over regardless. As they amble through the streets Dan takes the drink back, downing it at an alarming rate, and by the time they’ve made their way to the highroad the vessel is as good as gone. 

“Ah, here we are,” Dan cries, “the theatre!” Phil winces - he’s a little on the loud side.

“I saw a fan-tastic production here the other week. The Phantom of the Opera it was. Bloody blil..bloody brilliant,” he slurs, waving the empty bottle around in his hand. “Very fine chap playing Erik, very fine...” He sighs. “I wanted to be an opera singer, y’know. Dunno know what ‘appened to that.”

Phil frowns. “What d’you mean ‘dunno what happened to that’? You can still have a shot at it.”

“You know, that’s very true,” he mutters, “very true...” 

As they walk down the deserted road the only sound to be heard is the clacking of their heeled shoes, until they turn down an ill-lit side-street and Dan begins to hum a tune that sounds familiar. 

“Is that-”

“The Phantom of the Opera? You didn’t say you’d seen it!” 

Before Phil can gush about his love of musicals, Dan unexpectedly bursts into song.

“Beneath the opera house,

I know he’s there,

He’s with me on the stage,

He’s everywhere.”

For a moment, Phil forgets how to think. He hadn’t expected Dan’s voice to be so high pitched, so silky and delicate and feminine.

“And when my song begins,

I always find,

The phantom of the opera is there,

Inside my mind.”

Dan nods his head as if expecting a reaction. Ah. The next part of the song is sung by The Phantom. Hesitant to embarrass himself but too tipsy to care, Phil takes in a deep breath and attempts to remember the lyrics.

“Since once again with me,

A strange duet.

I power over you,

Grow stronger yet.

You give your love to me,

For love is blind.

The phantom of the opera is now,

Your mastermind.”

He looks back at Dan, whose gawk transforms into a grin.

“Those who have seen your face,

Draw back in fear.

I am the mask you wear.”

Another expectant look from Dan. Oh!

“It’s me they hear!”

If he’s correct, they sing the next part together.

“My spirit and my voice,

In one command.

The Phantom of The Opera is there,

Inside your mind.”

Phil could have died on the spot - their voices sound amazing together. He turns around to beam at Dan, but Dan’s too busy acting to notice.

“The Phantom of the Opera,

He’s there.

The Phantom of the Opera.” 

He waltzes out into the road, obviously getting into it. Phil follows, and their voices combine more. 

“Sing once again with me,

A strange duet.”

“My power over you

Grows stronger yet.”

“You give your love to me ,

For love is blind.

The Phantom of The Opera is now,

My mastermind.”

“Sing my angel of music!” Phil cries.

“He’s there,

The Phan-tom of the O-per-aaaaa”

“Sing once again with me,

For a strange duet.”

Dan finishes off the song with the highest note Phil has ever heard come from a man. Bursting into laughter, he bows to a one-man audience as Phil claps and shouts “bravo!”, throwing invisible roses onto an invisible stage before turning to walk down the street.

“Thank you, thank you,” Dan giggles, buzzing with adrenaline as he looks at Phil, who responds with equal spirit. He isn’t quite sure what just happened, but something about their voices combining together like that felt spectacular. It felt special. As their smiles fade, Dan looks as though he wants to speak.

“Phil,” he begins, “can I...can I compliment you?”

“Of course.”

“You have the most incredible voice. Seriously.”

Phil is stupefied. Really? His voice, “incredible”? 

Something wells up inside his chest, something wild and fleeting and frantic that makes him want to sprint and shout and bowl Dan over with a tackle or a hug or just give in to his long-restrained yearning and just grab his charming, boyish face and just kiss it-

Instead, he reaches out a hand, and lightly taps Dan on the nose with his finger.

“Phil, I think you are the strangest person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.”

“Hey, you’re equally weird,” he teases. 

“I know. That’s why I think you’re so wonderful.”

It’s his shy smile that tips Phil over the edge. He reaches out and pulls Dan into a hug that’s forceful and rough, throwing his arms around his shoulders and squeezing him tight as Dan instantly wraps his arms around him, gripping with equal vigour until they can’t get any closer.

“Thank you for agreeing to go on this mad walk with me. It’s just that I...I couldn’t sleep. This stupid performance is in two days and I’ve got so much work to do and I-” His voice cracks. Phil says nothing but rubs Dan’s back in consolation. After a while, the other boy pulls away. 

“Sorry,” he mutters, avoiding Phil’s eye.

“Don’t be sorry. You’re stressed, it’s understandable. I don’t mind anyway, it was my pleasure.” They begin walking. “Don’t worry about all this school work, you’ve got enough time to sort it out before the performance. If you don’t finish it, who cares - you can do it over the holidays.”

With a big sniff, Dan nods. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”

“As for Friday, I’m sure it’ll go smoothly. If you fluff a line just get your sword out and start duelling the audience with your fencing skills. They won’t know what hit them. Literally.”

“Let's hope I don’t fluff anything then, because I don’t want to have to kill you in a sword fight.”

“Aha! How bold you are to assume that I would lose! In fact, I, Philip Michael Lester, otherwise known as... Lance Lester, am a master of sword fighting, known throughout the land for my trusty steel and quick foot.” He snatches at the bottle in Dan’s hand, holding it by its neck. “This was my father's poniard, do you see? I'd be loth to see 't look rusty, 'cause 'twas his.”

Dan cackles, high pitched and loud. “Oh Phil, you’re such a geek, you know that right?”

“Oi - that’s Lance Lester to you!”

“Oh yeah? More like Feeble Phil,” he teases, jabbing at the other boy’s stomach. It doesn’t take long before they start to pretend-fight, scuffling in the street and tussling with each other all the way back home, gradually getting louder and more competitive until they circle back to Turl Street.

“Hey, hey, shhh!” Phil hisses. “We’re back at my college.”

Dan unclences Phil from a headlock and looks up. “We are indeed. Let’s hope the door’s still unlocked.” 

Phil gives it a gentle push, and it opens with a creak. Wriggling free from Dan’s grasp he slips into the entrance, standing with one foot it and one foot out, propping the door open with his chest.

“Well, good luck for rehearsals then. I’ll be at the chapel for…”

“For eight o’clock.”

“Eight o’clock. Right.”

Dan’s face falls. 

“My God.”

“What? What’s the matter?”

“I nearly forgot. Oh, what a disaster that would have been.” 

Phil raises an eyebrow. 

“On the night of the performance the chap I share a room with is going out, so I’m inviting a handful of people back to my room for a little party afterwards. I kept meaning to invite you but I never got round to it. Please say you can make it!”

“It’d be my pleasure.” 

Dan beams. “Perfect, I’ll see you there.” 

He turns away and walks up the street, hands thrust into his trouser pockets as he hurries back to his room. Phil stands at the door, watching. When Dan reaches the corner of the road he turns his head to face backwards, and, although he’s too far away to be sure, Phil is certain that he can feel the warmth of a smile shooting through the air and landing on his breast like the golden tip of Cupid’s pointed arrow, spreading through his body with a tender warmth.

[mrclinical]

Let it Snow (2019)

Directed by Luke Snellin

Rating: 54/100

Late nineties and early noughties teen-comedies on the whole were appalling. There must of been a yearning for highschool/college melodrama during the period - a yearning for hope of love, or reassurance that popularity is not all it’s cracked up to be. Despite the cliched gags, routine humiliation and stereotypes that these films pedalled for laughs, what they almost always got right were their soundtracks. Luke Snellin follows the convention, bringing us a vaguely festive teenage romance bolstered by blockbuster hits and wokeness. The film features several different romantic narratives, as the teenage ensemble wrestle with their sexuality, the “friend zone”, rejection, the prospect of college and family illness, under falling snow and the peripheral twinkle of fairy lights. Oh and lest we forget,Joan Crusak who wheels around the small town in a tin foil hat offering a mix of narration and agony aunt advice.

Like many festive movies, Let it Snow is first and foremost about reconciliation, aligning our priorities in life with that is really meaningful and casting off our superficial worries and prejudices to allow love, tradition and family to sweep us off our feet. Snellin’s handling of the different interlocking narratives is handled with varying proficiency and effect. Tobin (Mitchell Hope) and Angie (Kiernan Shipka) are best friends who have a shared interest in movies and classic vinyl. The two characters are clearly made for each other, if only Angie would give up her interest in nice guy super-jock JP (Matthew Noszka). Snellin nails the prism of the friendzone, an environment of repressed anger and self-loathing. Then there is Dorrie’s narrative, played by the superb Liv Hewson, a character who in a less sensible and crass film would be reduced to her best friend Addie’s (Odeya Rush) well-meaning sidekick and emotional rock, but in Snellin’s picture gets her own starring role, in a lesbian love story which deals with the repression of identity involved with conforming within the matrix of high school and home life. Snellin doesn’t exactly explore these concepts in great depth, but sort of dips in and out in the breezy way that holiday films deal with dysfunction in relationships. For Let it Snow is reaching for that feel-good vibe. The kind which will brings repeat viewing to Netflix like last year’s gushingly irksome A Christmas Prince. For, this is a film about teenagers for teenagers, who I am sure will identify with a handful of these characters and feel aggrieved at the unnecessary criticism the film has received from older and sniffier critics.

The problem for me is that the film gets bogged down too much in needless melodrama, further dragged down by sluggish writing. The emotional core of this movie lies within the narrative that I found too queasy to stomach: that of Julie (Isabela Merced) and Stuart (Shameik Moore). Julie is a smart kid who is uber self-aware, who must make a decision between attending Columbia University or staying home to attend her sick mother (the kind of sickness that is encapsulated in a sad cough or flappy hands). Julie finds herself face-to-face with famous musician Stuart, who initially arrogantly palms off her social advances, only to be swept up by her cut-through-bullshit witticisms and spends the day frolicking around snowy suburbia with her and falling hopelessly in love. Think of a lite edition of Richard Linklater’s Before trilogy, with less stirring dialogue, scenery, sensuality or sensitivity. Or Prime Minister Hugh Grant in Love Actually and sweary Martine McCutcheon without the magic of Richard Curtis. It is a tale of two worlds colliding and finding unity, but it never really rings true. A handsome savoir swooping in with his fiscal clout to support a family in dire need of it. A lonely man with his riches but nobody to share it with except the corporate bots who surround him and fan his ego. Two people who fall so quickly in love that it is hard to believe that any of it is anything but fanciful hogwash conjured up in a thirteen year old girl’s dream. Netflix loves a little romantic up-punching after all, and so does its audience.

Although certain aspects of the film seem too glossy to be genuine and the narrative seems a little too cheesy to take in one sitting without resorting to heavy eye-rolling and audible sighing, Snellin’s movie does host some quaint little quirks which are entertaining in their own way, the centrepiece being an impromptu duet between Tobin and Angie of Waterboy’s hit “Whole of the Moon” played on a wheezing church organ. It might sound awful, but it is a sweet touch. The narratives eventually flow into one another culminating in a celebratory and cobbled together waffle house party bash. The whole affair is a little to wholesome for my liking, but I’m sure it will prove a hit for the streaming platform.

[vermontparnasse]

les miserables review - u.s. tour (hartford) 10/7/17

ok, here we go.  sorry this took so long but i have never been less enthused to write a les mis review..... i hate to say it guys but this was probably the worst collective cast i have ever seen.  half of them were playing the wrong role and almost none of them had any chemistry with one another... i realize it's still very early on in the tour and they didn't have a very long rehearsal period but that's no excuse for the national tour to come across as amateur community theatre, which is tragically what i felt like i was watching  for most of those two and a half hours.  i do have a couple of positive things to say and there were a few standout performances, but mostly..... yikes.

nick cartell as valjean: i guess he did the best he could given that he was very, very, very, very badly miscast.  when your valjean would probably be a better fit for marius, you know you've got a problem.  he was too young by at least fifteen years, and the way he sang the score was an insufferable series of riffs - he was basically ramin without the ego and without the shirt ripping.  he was just very badly out of his depth.  i was prepared to be kinder to him in the second act - his bring him home was quite good and he aged better than i'd thought he was going to - but then at the moment of valjean's death when he sang 'forgive me all my trespasses' he literally SPRANG out of the chair, like dying had rejuvenated him.  it was bad guys.

josh davis as javert: does hayden tee have a brother........... anyway, the way he was singing the score i think he was trying to emulate earl by making his notes precise and crisp, but everything just came out really staccato and it was not pleasant to listen to.  he also jutted out his jaw every time he wanted to look menacing which achieved a comedic disney villain effect, a la hayden.  stars was definitely the highlight - he sang and acted it much better than anything else... otherwise, it was just a mess.  he literally came across as drunk during his suicide - like he wasn't killing himself because of his inability to reconcile valjean's mercy with his personal view of the world, he was killing himself because he'd stayed at the bar too late and had one too many.  i have no idea what sort of journey he thought his character was on, but it just wasn't javert.

melissa mitchell as fantine: i'm sorry but this woman cannot act to save her life...... the way she carried herself was so modern, i don't know how to explain it but the way she moved was just so off and it was really distracting?  and her whole performance was just going through the motions, like "and still i dream he'll come to me... time to run to the left of the stage!" "life has killed the dream i dreamed.... time to glance over my shoulder dramatically!"  it was just all so artificial and inauthentic, you could practically see the stage directions in front of her eyes.  and don't get me started on the dying moment where she reaches her arm out and then collapses......... lord.  bad.

jillian butler as cosette: she was good!!  i mean... idk, i don't have a whole lot to say about her.  after seeing sam hill and alex finke in the role repeatedly, both of whom are absolutely superb, it's kinda hard to live up to that... jillian didn't take it to the next level or expand on their performances in any way - it was a very basic, pared down, 'hi i'm sweet and lonely' cosette, but there's nothing wrong with that?  she was solid and i have no complaints with her, but it wasn't a particularly memorable performance.

joshua grosso as marius: the best performance of the night, thank fuckin god!!!!!!!!  it has been so long since i have seen an adequate marius!!!!!!!!  i didn't agree with 100% of his choices (e.g., in AHFOL rather than singing "dear mademoiselle" he sort of squeaks it in a high pitched voice which is cute and appropriately awkward but i didn't totally connect w/ that decision because i love hearing that line sung) BUT he really understood the character and he didn't have too many moments like that of derailing the score.  i loved how awkward and genuine he was with cosette, and i loved how serious his reaction was to valjean's confession.  it was an all-around solid performance that was filled with the appropriate level of sincerity.  my biggest complaint is the mientus-esque crocodile tears after eponine's death, but i'm tentatively blaming that on direction.

phoenix best as eponine: she was terrible.  maybe she hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, because the whole time she looked like she'd rather be in bed.  dead eyes, no expression, dead on her feet, fake punches looking incredibly weak and stagey, having to be dragged around the stage by the other actors.  there was no fight to her, she was just resigned and dull.  her voice is tinny and not terribly pleasant to listen to, but i'd have forgiven that for a solid performance... which unfortunately we did not get.  though i WILL give her credit for on my own - there was some weird hammering or some shit going on backstage throughout that song but she pushed through admirably.  but otherwise, she was a pretty big disappointment.

matt shingledecker as enjolras: chelsea said after the show "enjolras was a literal frat boy, was he leading them to a revolution or to the club?" and i can't really beat that.  his enjolras basically was a rich young boy playing a game.

j. anthony crane as thenardier: he was rly fantastic!!!!  god after cliff saunders and whoever tf else we had to suffer through on bway, i would have welcomed just about anyone.... i mean, i have long ago reconciled myself to the fact that i will never see this character played the way i'd like to in an ideal world, because he's just become OTT comic relief, and j. anthony crane certainly has those OTT moments (notably in dog eats dog) BUT compared to the sort of nonsense that we are used to, it is such a toned down performance and there's actually a hint of something sinister lurking beneath the comedy.  i only hope he doesn't try to play up the laughs too much as the tour goes on.

allison guinn as mme. thenardier: meanwhile............ the most hammy performance i have EVER seen in this role.  it's a rare day that i just try to ignore mme. t and focus on thenardier when they're on stage together, but here we are.  god, she was insufferable, and she gave that kind of 'i'm so clever and above all of you' performance on top of the OTT humor that i absolutely loathe.

let's see, what else is there to say.

- 'give way, javert' is back after the sewers.  not sure why but i'm into it.

- SO MANY actors were singing on the beat...... i think the foreman was the worst offender ('YOU. PLAY. A. VIR. GIN. IN. THE. LIGHT. BUT. NEED. NO. UR. GING. IN. THE. NIGHT.') but it was honestly so many cast members and it was distracting af???

- but otherwise, a rly promising ensemble!!!!  i liked almost everyone who didn't have a main role lmao.  

- though they RLY need to work on their blocking....... again, i know it's early in the tour so i'm rly hoping this improves, but this production was just messy.  stage punches look fake, characters who are meant to interact at certain moments barely look at each other, just a lot of inauthentic movement that can only improve with more rehearsals.

- omg this is such a minor thing that i liked....... ok so you know how in the bway production they had fantine's first customer be the foreman?  i never saw any particular reason for that, but in this production when fantine is being offered to the foreman she has her back turned, and when she's handed to him she turns around and he sees her face and he laughs when he recognizes her, and the irony of the moment is so sad that i found myself rly moved by it.

- andrew love is a fuckin gift.  will someone make him principal javert already.

bottom line: what can i say....... i was mostly just rly let down.  of the nine main roles i mentioned here, i really enjoyed two (one of which was thenardier lmfao like who even cares about thenardier???), i didn’t mind one, and the rest were just bad.  that’s 2/3 of the main cast i thought were either playing the wrong role or had no business playing any role in les mis at all.  i can only hope they get stronger as a group as the tour goes on, because maybe if i’d felt more camaraderie between them the whole thing wouldn’t have left me so cold?  that was one of les mis bway’s strengths imo - the entire cast just worked so well together.  the tour cast did not.  unless i hear that they get better in upcoming months, i will not be making any more pilgrimages to see this cast.

[devilishdewitt]

Ladies of Burlesque, December 2019

Anja Pavlova is back to host, perform and celebrate her birthday in the festive edition of the show of her dreams,  Ladies of Burlesque!

Did the show weave a winter spell or left us alone under the mistletoe?

Read on, darling!

Before we dive into the glitter,

Here’s the most important point of everything I do - 

~The Eternal Manifesto~

It is hereby declared that this little nook of the world wide web shall be devoted to the praise & critique of the art of burlesque, specifically in Russia.

Let it also be known that I am first and foremost a benevolent force, and every single criticism is documented solely for the purpose of evolution, growth and inspiration, darling.

Never forget - it is fantastic that the burlesque scene in Russia has grown so much in the last few years. Brava, ladies! As a fact and a statement, it is absolutely fabulous.

However, I volunteer to wear the heavy crown of expertise, having seen many a show in many a place, and having a keen eye for detail and a heart hungry for that wow factor. I always come with an open heart, am quite easily entertained, and know how hard the craft is - I can overlook many a fault when there’s stage presence, charisma and that fire of passion. Oh, and self-irony.

All is sickly without self-irony.

Now, onwards! To fabulousness!

Short summary: I do it because I love you all and want you to excel.

Also, allow me to share a wonderful review by Party Parrot!

 https://lazy-boogie.livejournal.com/3435.html

Thank you ever so for the wink and the nod - what a pleasant surprise! Thrilled that your inspiration lead to write such a brilliant summary of the night. Perhaps my tiny endeavours might create a movement of sharp-eyed, truly grateful audience members! After all, we can’t all be blocked, right? (read on, darling...)

The Venue

The place of action was Cеребряный Век (Silver Age) restaurant, a classic among burlesque events (it even hosted the Moscow Burlesque Festival). It is indeed pure glamour, opulence dripping off every detail! I mean, look at the pool room!

Just look at the pool room!

The second you entered, the atmosphere enveloped you with it’s gilded velvet glory. Of course, there were columns (this is Moscow after all, it’s near impossible to find a venue without columns), but thanks to the high stage and spacious room everyone had a pretty good view. I do wonder if the dressing room was as luxurious as the rest of the place!

If only my accolades extended to the food, but alas! We are spoiled rotten by Michel, and the tiny portions, uninspired recipes and stale presentation were not worthy of the non-negotiable deposit (which was almost as expensive as the tickets!). But we did not come to eat, oh no, darling - we came for a feast, but one for the eyes!

The Performances

Darling, it was a beautiful night. It was a dazzling, glittering, bejewelled, vajazzled (not really) night. My heart melted - and not just because Pavlova was back, but because it was legitimately a beautiful - beautiful show.

The Chorus Line Jazz Dancers were stunning! Their number was so gloriously joyous, for the first time they legitimately looked like they were having fun. Every beat was greeted with a tap, clap or other inspired move, and the joy was infectious! They looked stunning, danced wonderfully well and energised the whole room. 

Marie Weinberg appeared not once, not twice, but four times - and looked stunning every single time. Every single song sounded exactly the same, but that’s her strength - she sounds exactly like a 1930′s record. She is a perfect pin-up model, her photos are always flawless. She does not currently have an arsenal of stage choices (perhaps she doesn’t need it), but she did find her niche and she is gently charming in it. 

We got to see the famous blue showgirl ensemble of Jeva Noir! She presented a classic number - no gimmicks, no emotions, just good ol’ undressing. What strikes me every time I see her is how majestically beautiful she is - she has a unique type of beauty, like an actual Titaness, but doesn’t use it in her acts at all. We are always stunned by her looks, but never by the performance - perhaps because there is no harmony between them. A hawk does not excel when posing as a sparrow.

However, the general public got to see a new side of her talent - Jeva is a marvellous seamstress, and she brought her first collection for everyone to view and purchase! Every single lady left that room with a desire to own the velvety, feathery, dreamy ensembles made by Lady Noir. 

Tamasinushka looked utterly stunning - as usual. And her act was exactly how her acts are every single time - luxuriously languid, entrancingly self-focused, glittering and poised. Was it the most exciting or memorable act of the night? No, but it was gorgeous. When her magic works, she truly does change the flow of time in the room. Quite excited to see her emerge in 2020 with new energy and new renditions of beloved acts. 

Ellisha Fox graced the stage in his blue and white ensemble, and was an absolute treasure. He is an astonishing dancer, his charisma and stage presence are indeed unique. Looking forward to the moment when he finds even more freedom on stage and lets himself dissolve in the moment - it does sometimes feel like he’s participating in a dance competition, focusing hard on the moves and slightly loses the connection with the audience...but being a boylesque performer, all eyes will be on him regardless. I always sing the song of the benefits of self-irony!...But I am nitpicking, darling - because I can see him becoming an international superstar and want him to excel. 

Katerina Sahara brought her Desert Sun and Dragon acts (not quite the most Christmassy/wintery choices, but we didn’t really mind). It is impossible to look away when she’s on stage, but I must say that this particular combination of acts doesn’t really work - they are incredibly similar (if not equal) in tempo and atmosphere, so putting them together within one show doesn’t make either one shine particularly bright. Again, both are flawlessly gorgeous, it’s not a critique on the acts themselves - more on the directorial decisions of the show. Hope she does not overwork her wondrous self, for she seems to have fully joined the ranks of Bezhetskaya’s belles.

Radmila Rocky Zombie - well, it’s been a while since the vivacious mistress of Haunted Cathouse graced the Moscow stage! She brought her Americana fantasy cowgirl ensemble, and it was pure fun - she enjoyed it, the audience enjoyed it, everyone had a good time. Where the act lacked polish, it made up plenty with its ebullient bounciness. 

Sadly, our mullet marvel blocked me on Instagram - understandable, darling! What can be more horrible than constructive criticism and adoration? Quite flattered, never thought my humble self would get this much attention!

Konfetki looked fabulous - especially at the curtain call. Fantastic dress!

Helen! Helen the heavenly stage kitten! I swear to all the Glamour Gods, every single show that lady has a glow-up. Her Burlesque Santa outfit leaves me speechless - me, darling! Speechless! Flawless.

Blanche de Moscou brought her Sweet Kink act to the stage, and it was as beguiling as usual, but that’s not what I want to talk about. There’s a new act. The new act is phenomenal. It’s inspired by an act that her stunning mother directed in the 90′s, and it’s a whole spy-robot-Blade Runner extravaganza! Jaws dropped to the floor the second that luxurious umbrella appeared, and every new costume reveal was even more hypnotising. Her sense of rhythm is impeccable, and the way she marries complete immersion in the atmosphere of the act and her signature humour is spectacular. And the glitter gun! It was not a gun, it was a bazooka!

This was a true showstopper, and really would make more sense at the last act of the show (energetically and logistically - all that glitter!). I think this might be the most impressive act I’ve seen in this country.

Anja Pavlova, the one and only Swan Queen, oh how we’ve missed you. Lady Pavlova brought a myriad of costume changes and two acts, a classic Jazz Age one, and a premiere - Snow Maiden! Her forte truly is her emotional range. When is on that stage, she lives and breathes the music, and takes the audience on the ride with her. The way she catches every bit is ingenius, and she truly floats. Even this old heart had to wipe off a few secret tears...She is a pure delight. And she sang! And she knows exactly where her strength is, so she invited Marie to sing with her and went for acting and engaging with the audience. Her voice can not boast strength, but the sweetness, tenderness and sincerity made it soar.  If I were to make one comment, it would be about the hosting. Each act completely mesmerised and transported us into a magical land of pure glamour...and the hosting was more Earth-bound. Can’t claim that it’s a negative, but when I noticed it, it did create a slight imbalance. 

We want to dive deep into the magic, uninterrupted, darling!

Dearest reader, do yourself a favour and have a look at these superb photos. Dive into the atmosphere, honey! No words of mine will truly convey the joy of the evening.

The Verdict

The show truly was a showcase of ladies - and how different they can be.

 It was utterly delightful and stunningly beautiful.

Ladies of Burlesque remains the most elegant and polished burlesque show in Moscow - at least when Pavlova is around to keep an eye on things.

Bar Burlesque is taking place on January 10th, you can secure your sweet spot here.

[aberorca]

New Cast: Part Two

Okay, guys. Part Two was really good tonight, really good. I’ll admit I still had/have some reservations about the cast after Part One but Part Two has smoothed many of those away.

Part Two opens with my favourite piece of choreography, led by Nuno Silva. Nuno didn’t come out of stage door tonight which was a shame because I wanted to tell him how glad I am that he’s stayed on. For those who don’t know, Nuno plays Bane, as well as other ensemble roles but his most important role is Movement Captain. He is basically Steven Hoggett’s (Movement Director) right hand man among the cast and he works with the rest of the cast to coordinate all the complex routines that are carried out on stage, often with very large set pieces. You could really see what Nuno does among the new cast today, how he guides them and the confidence in what he does.

Samuel continues to be the star of the new cast. He really is outstandingly confident and a total natural - you’d think he’d been doing it for years and the audience is absolutely focused on him  and him alone when he’s on stage. I think it was @mrsellacott who said that James Howard told her he loves his new son, and that shows. Samuel and James have a great chemistry on stage. As James is my favourite of Cast 2, I was really looking forward to tonight because Draco has his best scenes in Part Two. His first scene, in the Voldemort timeline did not disappoint. @bounding-heart did a post about why James is so good in this role and that is never more obvious than in this scene. But he also shows love and a sadness and a pain that flows under a Malfoy cover. He rarely shouts, which I like. He exudes menace and intimidation without doing so but he has softness hiding there. When he pinned Scorpius to the desk in this scene, he released him and then shook and twitched in his left hand, the hand he had used to pin Scorpius down. He was physically expressing regret with the movement, as though it physically pained him to be violent with his child. It very much felt as though violence had become a part of who he was in this version of the world, that it was now second nature but that deep down it wasn’t welcome there, a darkness that grips to him like a parasite. So, so good from Mr. Howard.

Elizabeth Hill is an excellent actress. She plays a firm, sporty Hooch with a cool Northen accent in Part One, and a bitchy, snotty Petunia, but in Part Two as Umbridge, she is genuinely unnerving. Her Umbridge relishes in the way she speaks. She’s posh, or at least pretends to be, and she milks it for all it’s worth, letting every word slither off her tongue in the most regal way possible in her desire to feel and to be seen as royal. Her laugh doesn’t induce laughter from the audience like Helena Lynberry did - it is really sinister. Her movements when talking to Scorpius were almost flirtatious, but in a really sickening way that made my skin crawl. Superb debut in the role.

David Annen as Snape - I was really looking forward to seeing David in this role and he didn’t disappoint. He is much more like book Snape than Paul was. He doesn’t raise his voice and he appears bitter and reserved. I never liked the dynamic between Snape and Hermione in the last cast - I get that they were working together but they were too touchy-feely for my liking. That’s gone with David. His “whatever you are” to Hermione was deliciously sarcastic and snotty The “How very pleasant for me” line dripped with sarcasm and the “I exist to serve” line was wonderfully but subtly aggrieved. When he threatened Scorpius with punishment, he deliberately and obviously moved his robe to reveal the pocket in which he kept his wand, making the threat very real. It was a cool detail. When Snape is taken by the Dementors, heave the most horrific scream once they had enveloped him in their cloaks. It really did sound like someone who was losing their life in a horrific manner.

Theo came out of his shell in this performance. Yesterday in Part One he showed signs of being good but he was visibly terrified (his first professional job is one of the biggest roles in a show that has won nine Oliviers - even John said that was terrifying for them) and as a result he was very stiff (I felt bad for Jamie G in the blanket scene in Part One because I felt Theo was giving him very little to work from). But the audience was great yesterday and I think that has put some of the cast (Theo was not the only one who was clearly nervous) at ease a bit more. I think Theo is going to be very good and I look forward to watching him evolve in the role. Also, for all you Scorbus shippers - if you shipped them with Anto and Sam, you’re going to go nuts for Theo and Samuel. They obviously already have a very close relationship as actors and the chemistry between them is fantastic.

Samuel, when he came out of the lake and saw his Dad, put his arms out for a moment as if he wanted to hug him but then lost his courage. It was sweet. James just pointed him in the direction he wanted him, with military-level authority. I really liked it. Alex often used to grab Scorpius by the scruff and march him off stage; I like this less aggressive approach from James because I think it contrasts the differences between Draco in the Voldemort timeline and in the present much more.

One of the Hogwarts kids slipped in some of the water left on the stage but luckily they didn’t go down and carried on.

Jamie finally started to show some Harry-temper in the scene where he visits Albus in the Slytherin dormitory although he only got half-way there.  I reserved judgement on Jamie in Part One yesterday. I agree with @torestoreamends that it’s very important not to compare Jamie G to Jamie P because I think we always knew that Jamie P’s Harry would always be incomparable and I’m OK with that, because I always knew that watching Jamie Parker was a privilege. In fact, it’s very important not to compare any of the new cast with the old cast - it’s not fair on them. Of course we love the old cast, but the new cast have to be given a chance to be different and make the role their own (within the context of the character, of course). But Jamie G certainly lacked something yesterday, for example, he did not sound nearly as desperate as a parent should when searching for their missing child in a forest. I think Jamie G was another cast member who was very nervous but he did much better in Part Two today. I think he needs time and I hope that with time he will push the role and feel his way further into it. This scene wasn’t as heated as it should have been and as a consequence, the argument with Ginny where she asks how heated it got, didn’t work as well.

More Samuel gushing - in the dormitory scene when Albus is sleeping and he wakes him up, he did it in the most brilliant way that beats Anthony and James. He first whispered Albus’s name. He then said “Pssst!” When this didn’t work, he tiptoed over to Albus’s bed and in a really high-pitched but soft voice said “Albus?”. Finally, he shouted it right into Theo’s ear and Theo reacted brilliantly. I always felt Sam underplayed the comedy of this moment slightly but Theo didn’t disappoint. He sat bolt upright with a yell and then turned and started whacking Scorpius with his pillow. It was fantastic.

Annabel as Delphi - finally, finally, I have seen Annabel’s Delphi and she is supremely unnerving. John said he thought she was smashing it. Her Part One Delphi is quite awkward and bumbling and Tonks-like, which I liked. Her Part Two Delphi is almost unhinged once she is revealed and it’s scary. Some stand-out moments for me were what appeared to be genuine, yet mocking pity for the shock and horror on Albus’s face after she kills Craig. It was pity, yet it was patronising. “Aw. Did you not understand?” Brilliant. Then, when explaining how the kids fitted in to the prophecy she kissed Albus. It was “Albus” *kisses his cheek* “is the unseen child who will kill his father”. It was the most possessive, horrifying action; that Albus is this most invaluable object to her that will make her dreams come true. Somehow it reminds me of the way in which Umbridge loves her kittens:  a repulsive obsession.

Emma as Ginny did much better in Part Two - she was another I was reserving judgement on yesterday. Yesterday I really felt that she lacked Ginny’s ovaries - her “So was mine” just didn’t feel strong enough. She definitely improved on that today, although I don’t feel the same warmth from her that I’d like to feel. Like Jamie G, I think she needs some time, perhaps. But I’m optimistic.

Jamie G in the Dumbledore scene was good. I’m so much more optimistic about him than I was yesterday. He can genuinely act and his break down in Albus’s bedroom was even better. He’s not Harry yet, but there is potential there. I’m looking forward to seeing him grow into the character. Harry and Ginny kissed twice when getting Albus's message, just like in the script. (It used to be that they only kissed even though the script called for two.

On the other hand, perhaps I’m just too hard to please, because all the main cast (Albus, Scorpius, Draco, Ginny, Ron, Hermione and Harry) got a standing ovation at the curtain call. I was slightly gutted for the rest that they didn’t but audiences do vary and I’m sure that there are shows when they will. The past two nights had a very good audience and the stage door reception was lovely. I think the cast that came out definitely felt the love and I’m glad because I think it will give them fuel.

Speaking of stage door, April Hughes, who plays Myrtle (and is outstanding - didn’t think anyone would beat Annabel but she smashed it and even Annabel said so) was absolutely adorable. I sang her praises to her and she seemed really touched and happy and asked if she could give me a hug, so we had a hug. She’s a sweetheart! As is Sarah Miele who plays a now-Scottish Polly Chapman with purple hair (we asked her about this and she said it was just something she was told they were going to go for with the character this time). James Phoon (Craig) is adorable. I can’t remember how we got onto the subject but we were talking about the Friday Forty and I said that all my CC friends had won it at least once and I never had. He said that he played the Friday Forty every week ever since the play opened and he never won it either (he’s such a FAN!!). I told him “Now you’re in it! Even better!” and then asked if that meant that I’ll be in the play next year too. He gave a dramatic gasp and said “Oh, my God! That’s it!” and then grasped my arm and said “I’ll root for you for next year.” I told him to show me the ropes when I get cast. What an absolute doll he is. Again, the cast that came out all seemed so touched by the reception and I’m really pleased they’ve been given that confidence.

On Sunday 21st, I met Sonia Friedman. I found her at the back of the stalls and approached her, told her how much I loved and related to the play and congratulated her on all her success. I asked if I could show her something and she said “Of course” so I showed her my poster and she said she loved it because she was a dog person. I thanked her and didn’t see her after that until I passed by her yesterday when she was talking to Jack Thorne at the end of Part One about the pacing of the new cast (they had been a bit slow on a couple of bits). I don’t think she saw me as they were deep in conversation. Anyway, tonight, she came out of stage door briefly to watch the reception that the new cast received. No one realised she was there as she just lingered in the doorway and watched for a few moments - she didn’t go to greet fans. She had her hair different to usual and was wearing sunglasses so I actually didn’t recognise her even though I saw her right in front of me but she recognised me (we were standing right in front of the stage door at the barrier). She went back in to speak to someone but then came out again and came and stood next to me and said quietly “So, what did you think?” I then realised it was her and apologised, telling her I didn’t recognise her with the sunglasses and she said something along the lines of “I like to go incognito sometimes”. @torestoreamends , @mrsellacott and I had a nice chat with her and she thanked us for the support of the new cast.

I was hoping John Tiffany might come out of stage door but he didn’t (because I didn’t ask him to this time =P - I’ll tell that story in another post). My train got delayed on my way to the show this evening and I got in really late (I think @torestoreamends was panicking that I wouldn’t get in on time, she gave me big hug when she saw me and told me she’d been anxiously waiting in the aisle of the stalls to see me come in). Anyway, John was at the back of the stalls (he didn’t sit near the front like he did on May 21st - maybe he didn’t want to be inundated by fans again - more on that in another post) but anyway, I’d spoken to him on Sunday and as I walked past this evening, he looked up from his phone screen and so I gave him a big grin and he smiled back. Then in the interval, I had a brief freak-out with @torestoreamends at the Girls’ Bathroom (obviously) about how good Part Two was and then she let me go to the loo and went back to Stalls. :P On my way back, John stepped out of the Mens’ right in front of me and went back to the Stalls so I was following right behind him, seriously worrying that he was going to think I was stalking him. He noticed me and I immediately apologised and said “I’m really sorry, I swear I’m not following you, you just stepped out of the Mens’ room right in front of me.” He laughed and patted my arm and said “Don’t worry.” We got back to Stalls, right by the tech box where @torestoreamends appeared out of nowhere and we had a lovely chat with him for a few minutes. John is such a lovely, warm person, he’s so happy to talk to fans about the show. I told him that I thought it was great that the first show of the new cast had gone so smoothly and that I thought it was funny that there had been no technical hitches, given that there were so many on the 21st with a cast of fourteen months’ experience. He grinned and said “Because I kicked arse, that’s why”. So yeah. Sounds as though the tech team got a spanking for the screw-ups on the 21st.

And that’s all I’ll say about the new cast! I look forward to watching them develop and I hope everyone going to see them keeps an open mind and shows them the Potterhead love. I really think in particular that Scorbus is going to be sensational - even more so than it has been and we’ve all got lots to look forward to. I thought the ultimate test would be whether they could make me cry and they did. Happy Cast Change, peeps! x

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 4

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Scarecrows (1988) *Through betrayal, and hellish karma, a well armed and military trained heist squad has to ditch flying, under the radar, and land in a demonic cornfield next to an abandoned and creepy farmhouse.* 2 1/2 stars

Fright Night Part 2 - (1988) *In therapy for vampire paranoia. driving around in a yellow mustang -like Kolchak the Night Stalker -another vampire hunter. take the skinheads bowling. werewolf with a mullet. performance artists worse than plague. Elvira tries to replace Vincent Price on late night. Salma Hayek esque lioness snakecharms her own Edward Cullen that she can firepoker for eternity.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: "It's A Miserable Life" *A worse fate than getting gunned down running the burger drive thru, late at night, is being stuck in a death-dream where you can't quit your burger drive thru job.* 1 1/2 stars *An unlucky (Friday 13th) 'new blood' drifts into the nightmare ward of the hospital.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Home Sweet Zombie *Zombies in Tornado Alley. firefighter zombies. Jamaican bbq rat. Murphy-- my favorite asshole of the apocalypse. powerdrill skull surgery. playing cards for pills. electric- picket-fence and nice lawn. sympathy for the z. Wizard of Oz munchkin joke after a zombie-nado.* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Resurrection Z *Religious nuts who worship zombies (seen that before). safe haven that's not so safe (seen that before). wolves in sheep's khakis. clean and bathed zombie apocalypse survivors (I like that better than the filthy TWD). turning Z for the Lord. zombie food fight. Murphy's Z immunity. Zombiefreak Jerry Falwell gonna turn you z to save thee. Murphy- Messiah of the Nation Z. Z Nation's 'Rick' more heroic than TWD's Rick?* 2 1/2 stars

"Hack-O-Lantern" *Pumpkin' lovin', prissy, and pretentious paw paw wants his grandson (that he, himself,  fathered on his daughter's wedding day) to grow up to be Lucifer's lantern. The boy comes of age and is a menace, daydreaming, with his headphones on, about being heavymetal seduced by Pat Benatar and Queen of the Damned-- Aaliyah, keeping an altar to the goat one and candles from bed-bath-beyond, having a pentagram tattooed butt cheek showing, in  public, punk girlfriend & doing prison yard exercises-- locked away in his room all day preparing for his ascension.  Plus a creep, in a cheap mask, carving people up. This kind of crap had cornpones carried away with the occult.* 1 1/2 stars

--- Paranormal State: Season 1 episode 1

*These ghost hunting shows can really oversell and under deliver in thrills.

Ghost Adventures has nice cinematography when they're showing the spooky places, but when they  turn the lights off the three jerks go a little too over the  top in their moronic pursuit of the paranormal.

Ghost Hunters is bland. Just a group of average joes who look like they're tired from working a day job.

"Hunters" has nothing that's aesthetically pleasing or interesting in its framing and when they turn the lights off it's just as underwhelming as the rest of them.

This show, Paranormal State, suffers the same fate, with the phony tech and justifying the so-called bumps in the night as ghosts, but I do like the 'earnestness' and the cast of college age investigators and in this episode they at least make an awkward little boy feel good about himself and relieve his family of related stress.

It doesn't get to the point of  exploiting the kid & family as they're entertaining us with a spook reality tale, I guess.*

2 1/2 stars

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Crystal Lake Memories -----------------------------

*Part 1: Filmmakers advertise and promise the most scary movie ever, without even having any idea what kind of movie they're going to make. The film surprises everyone in just how huge it is. Actors and crew look back fondly, and without regret, on the phenomena and impact it had on their lives/careers.

Part 2: No one can figure out how/why there's another one and how/why Jason is in it. Special fx guru backs out.  Another group of young victims. Dueling actors taking credit for work of grown Jason. Movie is a hit.

Part 3: 3D gimmick is introduced. The show is moved to a warmer climate. Inventive 3D kills. Jason gets his iconic hockey mask.

Part 4, The Final Chapter: A new slasher director is chosen. Salty old stuntman dawns the mask. Jason's father, Tom Savini, returns to kill his creation. Jason's 'zombie' tendencies are mentioned. No one in the production believes a runt, like Corey Feldman, can go toe to toe with Vorhees. Filmmakers try to tie the series together, while fans find plotholes in between the events of all these. It's decided characters are more important than kills. Everyone loves Crispin's eccentricities. Actors go through hell to get the stunts shot. Filmmakers are able to get most of the film past the censor board and to the audience where it once again is a hit.

Part 5, A New Beginning: New exploitation director. Method actor tries to decide whether Tommy is a monster or victim. Feldman is too busy to come back for more than just a cameo. Actors are initially kept in the dark about being in a Friday the 13th movie until Jason shows up on the set. New, secretive killer. High body count. Everyone agrees that this movie is sleazy. A real life playboy bunny who happens to be named vorhees joins cast. The director gets unprofessional and raunchy with his actors' scenes to the shock of other production crew. A lot of Rated X material gets cut from film. Continuity problems in the editing process isn't given a fuck about. Fans disappointed it is not actually Jason. It's compared to Halloween 3.

Part 6, Jason Lives: New director wants gothic horror like Frankenstein. Tommy no longer crazy, he becomes the series -Van Helsing- misunderstood hero. A lightning bolt resurrection makes Jason an unstoppable force. Tongue and cheek elements also infused. Feisty final girl chosen. Self aware humor laced throughout. The cast is chosen to be likeable. Jokes set up for audience participation. Lighter, more family atmosphere compared to part 5. Producer is criticized for being a cheapskate. Improvisation makes the film even better. A sense of mythology comes into play. Cliffhanger ending, about Jason's father, never used. Pop element added with Alice Cooper's song. Sadly, this Jason loses at the box office, but  Jason Lives lives big at the videostore where fans ripped off by part 5 come back to series.

Friday, The Thirteenth, the series: Not completely related to films, a late night tv horror series is born. It had to be cheap and it had to be scary, the premise being cursed antiques. Some fans feel left out with the series not having Jason in physical form in it. Big name directors like Cronenberg take part. Syndication allows for creativity. The shows splatter and occult nature comes under fire when it moves to primetime.

Part 7, The New Blood: Jason gets a reluctant director and a powerful new foe. A character with a scarred Crystal Lake history is born to replace Tommy. A superb stuntman takes on the role of Jason and emotes like none before under the mask and makeup. A lot of gay actors are hired giving the chemistry an interesting challenge. Ratings board ruins as many kills as they can. The movie's real horror is the swamp setting filled with real gators. Stunts are favored over makeup fx. Non-horror-fan producer clashes with director. A lot of the annoying cunt producer's decisions override the director's great fx. Fans want a director's cut that they'll never get because paramount destroys outtakes. jason loses out to Freddy at the box office. The final girls all want to return to series.

Part 8, Takes Manhattan: It's decided that Jason needs to take on bigger fish. Budget restraints make the ambitious  nature of the film shrivel to an extent. Jason's physical design is always changing. Fans challenge logic and continuity. How did Crystal Lake attach to the ocean? the new heroine is aquaphobic and menaced by her uncle as much as the boogeyman. Being not as gore ridden, this incarnation is referred to as the Disney Friday the 13th. Jason continues to defy logic because filmmakers just don't care. Established actor dislikes his demise. Film not really filmed in Manhattan for the most part, except for great Times Square shots. Toxic waste sewer silliness brings boy jason back. NYC officials do not love 'Jason loves NYC' slasher poster. The new setting and advertising campaign makes Jason more pop culture. But the series  suffers decline in quality and box office returns. Longtime producer leaves series.

Part 9, Goes to Hell: Original creator returns and wants to make Freddy v. Jason. Freddy's home, New Line Cinema, takes over. Producers shake up things and lose hockey mask. the Jason zombie is killed to attempt to build a new mythology for the series. A young, enthusiastic crew ponder whether they got in over their heads. the series' cliches are skewered. An ensemble cast replaces the typical teenager victims. Jason gets a sibling like Laurie Strode. KNB creates gore filled naked special fx. Homoerotic shaving scene is added to counter sexist kills. Subversive and taboo is the director's goal. Filmmakers find a way to keep gore scenes from disappearing forever by submitting one version to theaters and rating board and an uncut home video version. Actress not happy with distasteful demon lizard rape scene added to film without her knowledge or approval. Demonic puppets scene, sadly, left out of film. Fan service, Freddy featured, shock ending added. A lot of fans disappointed in not having an 'all Jason- all the time' movie.

Jason X: A stalled 'slasher legends' showdown causes filmmakers to look for new ideas. What some might have seen as a silly sci fi premise, and a popsicle boogeyman, get shifted into the hands of an interesting creative team, including an offshoot of Cronenberg, and a Cronenberg cameo. Sex and slashing carries on into the stars. Digital fx sub for ambitious splatter and setting. Jason X has to keep up with the Screams and I Know What You Dids. Thanks to future tech, cyborg jason is born. Management issues with New Line, and a fading genre, allow Jason X to sit in limbo for years. When it is released, it's the poorest received of the series. The crew defends its legacy.

Freddy vs. Jason: A lot of potential freddy v. jason filmmakers were in love with their script ideas. people gave up other opportunities to be involved with the film. Jackie Chan replaces Kane Hodder, jk, about Jackie Chan, Hodder leaves. This Jason gets special treatment and his own stuntman. Jason becomes an introspective character. Original writers want to take zero credit for Jason's added fear of water. The logic of Crystal Lake being so near Freddy's hometown is questioned. Climax, unintentionally, becomes comedic. So many are letdown about the smackdown dominating the scares.

Remake: Michael Bay and friends begin the 2000s with cashing in on 70s and 80s slasher film  After butchering Texas Chainsaw, the next target is Jason. A complete Pscyho remake style remake  is tossed aside, thankfully for something else. Jason goes home to texas? backwoods. Filmmakers try to skirt this issue by saying there's Crystal Lakes all over the states.  The new Jason is sort of a freak, himself, and a fan of the series. Jason goes back to running instead of magic walking. Stereotype campers return, unlikeable, for the most part. No interesting twists and a yawn ending. Hardcore fans try to kill the film, but it still does well among remakes. Jerk- cast and crew diss the fans for not liking their reimagining of the series.

Overview: everyone is proud to have been in the series.*

2 1/2 stars

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ABC & Disney Halloween (10-29-1989) --------------

*A security guard, at a Disney museum, channels Dana Carvey with his impressions, then talks  to a pumpkin head version of himself in a magic crystal ball.

The magic ball shows him Donald's nephews going trick or treat.

Newscasters from the Bay Area thank citizens for positive response to 89 earthquake relief.

Movie legend Peter Graves shows us the new 'not your father's' Oldsmobile.

An 80s aerobics chick clad in spandex talks about her comfy clothes and shoes.

Disney's Splash Mountain might look fun, but the only way out is a long... way... down (weeeee).

A witchy casts a spell on Donald's duck feet to make him dance to her beat.

A ghostly, evil cat gets Pluto all riled up luring him into a trap/trial where his crimes against cats are brought out. The hissing cats animation/sound fx are great. the cats plan to roast poor pluto with flames that come alive. however, it's all a bad dream where pluto slept with his toosh to close to a fire. there's a sweet ending where pluto makes peace with a kitten.

If you're an 80s bizness professional, Lens Crafters can set you up with some giant grandma glasses.

Pumpkin head shows us the true icon of Halloween, a pumpkin, in Disney's Sleepy Hollow adaptation.

In colonial New England, the animals even loved to drink a good ale. Crane keeps a snack pie in his school book. The bully tries to pass off a big boned woman to puny Crane.

Safeway brings us a safe way to carve pumpkins for little ones.

Turbo Grafx 16 is turbo charged.

The stick figure Crane pigs out while Bones tries to exploit his fraidy cat nature with a good tale. We know the rest.

In a surreal, silly twist pumpkin head switches places with the security guard.

Try a little tenderness on tropical aisle with a cat eyed beauty and a bounty coconut chocolate bar.

Feed your baby 'pear flavored gerber and get prodigy for your pc and your baby.

The Real Ghostbusters 'Halloween Door' is up

after a teen girl sitcom called "Free Spirit" --Halloween special-- (which I skip thru but can appreciate for its cheesiness)

We now return to Ghostbusters. Slimer has decided to go as Peter for Halloween. Slimer ruins Peter's hot date.Citizens United Against Halloween and Lots of other Stuff We Don't Like (basically anything fun for kids) seeks the Ghostbusters help. The stuffy jerks use a big mad scientist deathray to almost ruin Halloween. Instead, it opens a door, in a red sky, for demons. We get a musical number, from beyond style. Luckily, one Drew Barrymore esque little girl is the key to saving the day with her dedication to trick or treating.

ABC ends their halloween special with a truly frightful creature feature... The Last Days of Richard Nixon...oooh.*

2 1/2 stars

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Swamp Thing: The Living Image *Dr. Arcane tortures Swamp Thing with the memory of his dead wife by using a plastic surgery floozy clone. This show reminds me of a very unselfaware version of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.* 1 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Gateway Shuffle *Ma Barker's eco-terrorists. damsel in distress. monkey virus.* 3 stars

Downtown Julie Brown presents MTV's Rocky Horror Video Show (Richard O'Brien hosts) -----------------------

*musical numbers from the motion picture.

Herbie Hancock plays a casio keyboard with funky animation.

Martin Short is a fugitive.

Subscribe to Playboy magazine and have a closet full of great writing and women, also a sensual collection of centerfolds on vhs.

"Knock Knock, it's Randy." MTV Halloween, let him in, whoever he is. He sounds like Jack from  The Shining.

Kurt Loder used to be a music journalist / walking dead zombie.

1 900 Hot Rock can win you your own PEPSI vending machine and a limo ride.

Don't be an 80s yuppie with dandruff, use Head & Shoulders and get laid.

Stop running in place, it messes up your feathered hairdo and you could be in art school at the art institute.

Time Life Video presents classic Universal horror movies like Frankenstein for the introductory price of 14.99, have your credit card ready.

I love those blue backgrounds with the huge yellow type, and I love the old creative MTV logo ads.*

3 stars

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Wonderful World of Disney's 'The Great Cat Family' *Walt, himself, tells us about one of his favorite species, focusing on the domestic cat. We drift back to Egyptian time wherethere were hieroglyphics and monuments to the animals that they were able to tame. Even 3 thousand years ago, people used silly 'here kitty' noises to gain the confidence of the feline. Cats, on the other hand, always toyed with man, and might have used man as much as man used him. Basically, Egyptians would have loved cat videos. Elaborate cat funerals were held where cats got bowls of milk for eternity. At the risk of death, cats were smuggled out of Egypt. Cats became common but retained their uncommon nature. Cats saved mankind from plague and famine. Even though this great service helped man, superstition led to cats being hunted as evil because of their nocturnal habits.* 2 1/2 stars

Garfield's Halloween (10-24-86) --------------------

*garfield is disturbed from a nap by binky the clown, warning garfield to get into shape in order to get halloween candy!

Scared Silly starring Ronald McDonald and the Chicken MCNuggets.McNuggets were invented by graverobbers, oddly enough.

Odie wears a pumpkin head and laps water.

Garfield does standup about Odie's ugliness and realizes he can exploit Odie for twice the candy.

Garfield points out how his owner, John, could be on the tv show 'Hoarders.'

Orange Beard the pirate steals some of John's pumpkin pie and introduces Odie, the stupid, his first mate. Garfield realizes he may be a little too timid to go trick or treating, even though he boasts to the opposite.

What do you put in your McDonald's Halloween McPumpkin? Collect all 3.

Simon's mysterious past is revealed in The Wizard.

Stop the Madness, don't use drugs says Jane Wymann.

Garfield and Odie float down a river to a spooky house on a small island. The home is inhabited by a disturbing looking old man who could easily fit in on Ren & Stimpy. He tells the two household pets a hundred year old story about pirates and buried treasure. Oh, crap, it's John Carpenter's 'The Fog.' Garfield is ready to leave the island but the old man steals the boat and the candy. The ghost pirates arrive at midnight, odie blows their cover, they try to swim for it, garfield almost drowns, odie saves him, the candy is found on the shore, garfield shares with odie. garfield skips the all night pirate movie marathon and sleeps instead.*

3 stars

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Paranormal State season 1 episode 2 *A single mother and her teenage son struggle, with angst and sorrow, living in a house where a 19th century family was brutally murdered. The lead investigator and his eccentric medium pass notes about a demonic name both have stuck on the tip of their tongue. famous Amityville demonologist called in. Nothing really out of the ordinary happens, aside from people knowing about the home's history, which anyone could look up and be bothered by, and the typical responses of the so called experts. Mostly it's tired college kids, in pajama pants, spending the night with a family who could use some real therapy and not any bumps in the night or spooky atmosphere to entertain the viewer.* 1 1/2 stars

Donald Pleasance hosts Saturday Night Live -- Halloween edition ----------

*Pleasance performs field surgery in a gruesome Monty Python esque sketch set in the days of the British empire.

Joggers, on a nice Autumn day in Central Park, step in some sticky goo in the Jogger Roach Motel.

Joe Piscapo in the Two Faces of Jerry Lewis with Eddie Murphy as Jerry's goofy side, and Piscapo as his aggressively angry side.

A Patsy Cline type whitetrash housewife sings a song about killing her husband as he sits at the table with a knife sticking out of his back.

Japanese honor suicide style pumpkin carving.

Eddie Murphy promises 16 different ways to kick someone in the groin as a Guardian Angel walking thru Harlem, at 3 in the morning, with 3 gold chains around yo neck (one way to stop it is to have trick shop snot hanging from your nostril).

Comedian and juggler Michael Davis on the dangers of Halloween... the razor blade in the apple is demonstrated  in a way that more helps the prankster than the victim (ha), and he's forced to juggle the razorblade apples and eat them.

Bill Murray's brother tells us the SNl news stories: a Piscapo impersonation of Frank Sinatra being a mafia man for President Regan bombs really hard with the audience, burning flags for the energy  crisis, the weather girl gets robbed and borrows a slutty outfit from her friend, Eddie Murphy is the nation of Islam grindhouse movie correspondent who critiques tha bruthas movie watching habits of enjoying rich white honkys get killed,

that's the news.

Three jazzy witches sing about MacBeth (Pleasance) at a smoky cauldron.

Musical guest: Fear 'Don't Care About You.'

Hitchcock parody 'The Clams' a Brian DePalma film, rated R for Rip OFF.

Theater patrons have a social breakdown in a bathroom over society's rudeness and misfortune.

Joe Piscapo and his wife drink cups full of sugar for breakfast and kids join them for even more sugary sweetness.

Andy Warhol's Tv: Andy calls his friends, like Calvin Klein, to ask them what they're wearing, before green screen losing his head.

Amateur super 8 or 16mm or videocasette home movies are made fun of by a SNL castlady.

Scare Me, on the Vic Salukin Show, as he offers a hundred bucks to be scared by any caller and gets a strange call from a stalker (Donald Pleasance).

Fear returns with a mosh pit and sing songs about how New York is alright if you like to get raped or murdered or if you like saxophones.

Tomorrow's great  writers are coming from prisons in a documentary look featuring one Eddie Murphy and his poem titled 'Kill My Landlord.'*

2 stars (3 for Eddie)

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Walt Disney presents: Our Unsung Villains *Walt summons the slave in the magic mirror to the broadcast. The Big, Bad Wolf is shown in a different light as a family man just lookin' to bring home the bacon. Snow White's evil queen is seen as self-sacrificing. Yes'm villains is important, just let Uncle Remus show us a hongry fox and bear after a po' rabbit. They'z dumbasses. Finally, the man in the magic mirror points out poor Capn' Hook's disadvantages in facing off against the flying, fairy-having Peter Pan.* 2 stars

The Elvira Show (unreleased pilot) (1992) *Elvira gives inept psychic readings and love potions to suburban women. Elvira has a sarcastic talking cat. Elvira has a witchy aunt. They live in Manhattan, Kansas. A bohunk, in a candadian tuxedo, shows up seeking mystical aid. Elvira acts seductive for the studio audience to hoot for. She shows off her cleavage. Elvira meets her girl scout niece. Chip, the bohunk, turns out to be an undercover cop, in a sting operation, looking to bust the new witches, in town, for selling dangerous potions. Elvira uses a spell to make him stiff. Elvira's niece is a reluctant witch, too, I'd watch this show over Charmed anyday. I guess this was too raunchy for prudish sitcom tv.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: Four Walls and a Roof *Sadistic and satisfying way to play with expectations of the viewer. Now, we can maybe move on to something different on the show and not spend half a season dealing with the same threats and pretty much predicting the framework. The teaser for the fate of a missing character also hints at hopefully better things to come.* 3 stars

South Park: Handicar *The throwback, tribute to 40s/70s cartoons, element is a nice distraction from the usual social b.s. message of the show.* 2 1/2 stars

Squidbillies: Bunker Down, You Hairy Dawg! *A depraved Jed Clampett punctures holes in the logic of doomsday preppers.* 3 stars

Mr. Pickles: Loose Tooth *The shifty animation style is welcomingly more disturbing than the painful attempts at shock-humor situations. On first viewing, it's just a nose ahead of the awful Brickleberry in humor quality.* 2 stars

Adult Swim, parody info-mercials ------------------------

*The Salad MiXXXer-- Sharp, but not as sharp as a Ginsu knife, shot at 50s suburbia and naive everyman sales pitch folks from that era. Just as raunchy as you'd expect from a joke about vibrators being used as "kitchen aides."        2 1/2 stars

Fartcopter-- Bratty, tween boys want farts or they'll get violent. It stops being a fake infomercial halfway thru and turns into a Jerry Springer dysfunctional family parody mixed with some message about army drones.* 2 stars

Alpha Chow-- Straightfaced, for the most part, and spot on in production, parody of supplement taking or lifestyle changing infomercials- where if you were flipping the channel, you might be tricked until you see the creepy midgets in werewolf makeup. Tries to be disturbing and succeeds.* 3 stars

Goth Fitness-- Again, this info-parody starts out mostly serious in tone, with making fun of two fads, but it might be a little dated with the Goth stuff and it turns into a bad SNL/MadTV/ComedyCentral sketch show skit by the end.*       2 stars

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Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night with special guest star Tippi Hedren -- star of-- Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" (Great insight into the movie's production and you get to see Joe Bob's love of movies) *A free-spirit and a gamesman go toe to goe. Set against the backdrop of isolation, brooding parental displeasure, and a plague of terrible proportions.* 3 stars

Stephen King's 'Kingdom Hospital' *"You can let go, now, Elmer. It's over." The show's like Scrubs meets Twin Peaks.*  2 1/2 stars

"Let Sleeping Corpses Lie" (1974) *A new form of pest irradication is wreaking havoc on the nervous systems of newborns, the nutters, and the necro.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: "The Inheritance" *Two distant relatives inherit an occult antiques store and a little girl must be stopped  from keeping the demonic doll she was allowed to be gifted from there. Along with an expert, of the occult, the cousins must retrieve all the lost and evil antiques.* 3 stars

American Horror Story--- Freakshow: "Massacres and Matinees *Gacy & Bundy team up. Dad and his dick-having girlfriend debut. "Dream a little dream."* 2 1/2 stars

The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror (1990) -------------

*Bad Dream House: A haunted house rejects cohabitation haunting Homer and family.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hungry Are the Damned: 'To Serve Man' a Simpsons botched close encounter.* 3 stars

*The Raven: A Poe retelling has Homer seeing red and Bart eating crow.*          2 stars

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Mr. Pickles: 'Dead Man's Curve' *Bloodthirsty dog afraid of the noise a vac makes. A long thought dead drag-racer, from the 50s, returns from the car graveyard to face culture shock in a sadistic modern town.* 2 stars

Regular Show, Halloween -----------------------------

(on the way to a costume party, scary tales are told)

*Payback: Modercai's uncle, who died in a horrible bowling alley accident, returns, from the grave, to give back the five bucks he was loaned.* 2 1/2 stars

*Party Bus: Dance til you drop dead.* 2 stars

*Wallpaper Man: Hiring a humanoid spider conman to get out of a chore has the boys, and Pops, cornered in a web.* 2 stars

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Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina, The Teenage Witch) hosts Nickelodeon's presentation of 'Cry Baby Lane' 2000 *An inept mortician/taxidermist (awesomely portrayed by Frank Langella) shares a suburban legend with two boys and sets in motion the events that lead to half the town's residents becoming the wormy servants of a sawed-in-half Siamese stiff.* 3 stars

Ernest Scared Stupid *Letting the town children go off into the woods, alone, with Goober Pyle is a lot scarier thought than any Snot Troll.* 1 1/2 stars

Ghost Adventures: Island of the Dolls *In a part of Mexico where Aztec superstition causes a regretful drunk to honor a girl, who drowned, by littering an island, in a canal, with refuse dolls-- a grown man, in an undersized muscleshirt, gel in his hair, and expensive sunglasses on his face, runs around having a 'ghost adventure' with his brought along 'world's most haunted doll.'* 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: "Killer Instinct" -----------

*A leggy Lori Petty tries to get ahead, but loses her's instead.* 2 1/2 stars

*The ghost of Lori goes Freddy on her grieving boyfriend and her guilty bestfriend. There was a glaring difference between Lori and her zombie stand-in.* 2 stars

---------------------

Popcorn (1991) *A sloppy smooch to schlocky movies.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Death of Dr. Arcane *Swamp Thing restores his deceased devil, and makes a deal with him, in order to save a kidnapped boy.* 2 1/2 stars

The Boogens (1981) *A couple of young professionals, their girlfriends, and a feisty dog- show up up in a snowy mountain town at the spark of the re-emergence of a species of POV tentacle monsters that last feasted on a group of miners- more than half a century before.* 3 stars

The Legend of Hell House (1973) *Richard Matheson brings his scientific-technical approach to spiritual horror.* 3 stars

Mickie Mouse, Halloween -----------

*Ghoul Friend: A goofy zombie helps Mickie out with car trouble on a desolate, spooky road.* 3 stars

*The Boiler Room: Minnie's apartment's furnace is in horrific pain.* 2 stars

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"One Dark Night" (1982) *A mousey Meg Tilly is hazed where a powerful, homicidal telepathic has just been entombed.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: 'Don't Mess With the Money Make' *The brain-dead film crew have an unimpressive, bothersome meeting with the prudish city council lady, and a crucial cemetery gore shot is almost "ruined" by an actual funeral and an inept, intoxicated actor.* 2 stars

"WNUF tv28 Halloween Special" *Faithful recreation and satire of a 'Anywhere, USA' local television station, from the mid 1980s, news special and cheesy advertising.* 3 stars

"Pieces" (1982)  -uncut- *Giallo puzzler. Gabby dubbing. Gag-fly gobs of gore.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Freddy's Tricks and Treats ----------------

*An overworked medical student spends the night with an imaginary friend, a corpse, and Freddy as she relives the torture of a tyrannical, Puritanical grandma.* 3 stars

*The same girl, from the first story, is used as a guinea pig in a classmate's dream recording experiments.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State season one episode three *"Chilling" chaos in a cluttered mobile home.* 2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: The Brotherhood of the Night *Werewolf bandits, around the jungles of Washington D.C., seek to add a lava-worm controlling wizard to the pack.* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Welcome to Fu-Bar *Micchone still grieving over the death of Rick. Gun shows in Kansas after the apocalypse (I can see that happening). Citizen Z memorializes Z Nation's 'Rick' over the radio airwaves. TEN K gets a sweetheart. Doc is maybe more likeable  than Dale or Herschel. Murphy freaks out and goes werewolfzombie on a guy, then denies it. Outhouse zombie running around with his pants around his ankles. Bartender zombie. Forecast for a Noah style 'flood-herd' of zombies heading over the plains states.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Hawk, the Slayer" *Jack Palance pisses & cusses into the fires of Mordor, while a group of other generic sword and sorcery stereotypes run about with the Green Lantern's sword Excalibur or some crap.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Z Nation: Zunami *Zombie dust-storm / stampede that's miles wide (pretty scary). Three days without water, dying of thirst (nice showing of the survival element). Citizen Z gets a creepy 'crash visitation.' Murphy sinks to even more of a morbidly humorous low... He burglarizes a poor mom & daughter and then sacrifices them to their missing, and zombified, dad whose fate they were unaware of.*     3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Mystery of the Lizard Men *"Goonies at 2 o'clock!" For the most prized boy in the American superpower, he's sure allowed to be put in perilous predicaments. His bodyguard looks like a semi-retired golf pro.* 3 stars

"Bedlam" *Boris Karloff as a pathetic heel in a tale of snobbish beliefs, so-called savages & deeds of savagery, along  with sterling acts of sympathy.* 3 stars

"Wicked Fascination" ---xxx--- *Spandex workout outfits that are thongs in the back. Aqua-net hairdos. Scuzzy guys with ponytails. White Rebok athletic shoes. Guys who have a similar style to Gerardo aka Rico Suave. Stonewashed, shredded with scissors and possibly jizz stained jeans. Purple zebra striped bikini. Indistinguishable shoulder-blade tattoo designs. Keyboard synth that sounds like you're playing Galaga (not as fun as it sounds, the synth, not Galaga. Galaga is actually fun.) Dangling peace symbol & star of David necklaces during scenes of slow pumping.* 2 stars

Wes Craven presents "Wishmaster" (1997) *Horror characters in minor roles and cameos. Freddy as an ancient arts collector, Jason as a security guard, Candyman as a doorman at a party. A couple too many cheap false scares substituting for genie scares. The special fx are fun though, and the genie's design and presence are memorable.*          2 1/2 stars

"The Hidden" (1987) *The universe's favorite FBI agent, a not Mr. Dale Cooper, is on the hunt for a bodyswapping slug/spider creature who loves Porches, firearms, and rock cassette tapes.* 3 stars

"Visiting Hours" starring Michael Ironside *A chauvinist sadist takes a break from writing angry letters to the national organization of women, and carving up hookers, to target a talky, lady tv journalist who editorialized one too many times about how abuse victims should be able to shoot their hubbies and get away with it.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Murder House -- "Home Invasion" *Kurt Cobain & Corky Love get in the way of the Manson Family wannabes.*      3 stars

The Walking Dead: 'Slab-Town' *Goes from zombie-drama to a women-in-prison feature.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow -- 'Edward Mordrake' *A Victorian era ghost freak is the catalyst to finding out the twisted backstories of most of the characters.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban *"the horrible and the fanciful"* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Gargoyles: Thrill of the Hunt *The littlest gargoyle, Lexington, becomes enamored with a celebrity canine-themed team of gladiators who turn out to not be as heroic as their tv show would have fans believe.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Bob's Birthday *A forty year old dentist is having a midlife crisis, surrounded by eccentric patients, and his quirky wife who tediously plans a mishap filled surprise party for him. The pilot has the same gentle whimsy as Garfield or Charlie Brown, also animated full frontal penis.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (Fourth Doctor - Tom Baker) -- "Planet of Evil" *Interstellar BP scientists are going Mr. Hyde mad over dark energy.* 3 stars

Transformers: Divide and Conquer *As the world's war industries mobilize against the Decipticons, Otimus is gravely injured and a suicide mission to Cybertron is orchestrated in order to retrieve lifesaving repair parts. And we learn a lesson in what it  means to be disabled and still able bodied.* 3 stars

Robert Rodriguez presents "Predators" *Alien versus Academy Award Winner. Adrien Brody and Topher Grace never really gel well with this genre.* 2 stars

Swamp Thing: Legend of the Swamp Maiden *Two juveniles camp out in the swamp on a night when a seductive (nekkid) siren (chick) goes swimming in the moonlight and has the allure / power to turn men into hideous humanoid frog creatures.* 2 1/2 stars

"Alone in the Dark" (1982) *Donald Pleasance runs a really relaxed mental hospital where a prisoner-of-war crazy Jack Palance, a fire-and-brimstone pyromaniac Martin Landau, a hulking-retard rapist of kids, and a nosebleeder killer escape during the chaos of a citywide blackout and target the family of their new doctor. Everyone in this movie has some sort of delusion.* 3 stars

--- Paranormal State: Season 1 Ep 4 -- Investigation of the Dark Man

*A mother, mourning the recent overdose death of her son, spends the weekend with our research team and she, and her  family, share the stories of their lost loved one's struggle with a haunting dating back to a backyard pond drowning of a man years ago when the lost loved one was a boy.

Our lead investigator proclaims 3am an evil time because it's the  exact opposite hour from Christ's death....

Okay... well, what was it before? Just 3am, right? okay...

then a medium calls up on the telephone to tell the mother that her son is telling the medium that the ghost killed him. that's low.

even for a medium, that's fucking low.

followed by a 'third generation pagan' being rowed out, in a boat, on the pond by a devout catholic (go figure) to perform a silly banishing ritual.

third generation, huh? seems like it would be more than that, given how old paganism is.

so, basically your grandma was a pretentious new age pagan, too?

ha. anyway, i guess everything turns out okay because the medium calls back and tells the mom the son has passed on and is happy with grandma in heaven and the college or the folks at a & e do the right thing and get the mom some grief counseling.*

either zero stars (for exploitation)

or 1 1/2 stars (for not bringing enough entertaining scares)

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--- Friday the 13th, the series: "The Poison Pen" *The almost kissing cousins go undercover as monks to stop a powermad Padre's predictions.*  3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Ballad of Fallen Angels *Spike has a bittersweet mafia homecoming complete with gothic church shootout showdown with a Lucifer Morningstar-esque enemy and his gunmen.* 3 stars

World War Z *In an oversaturated genre, it's silly to get stuffy about just another entry into zombie mania. This one feels like a less moody, but just as intense, cousin to the 28 Days series.* 2 1/2 stars

Texas Chainsaw 3D *Leatherface, the avenger. Half the movie, and new story elements opportunity, wasted on going through the motions with a typical sexy young people in peril slasher formula.* 1 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: Haunted House *Zalifianakis joins the guys for a trio of Stooges style unfunny non-humor spookiness.* 1 1/2 stars (3 stars for the "post-show" parody of Chris Hardwick's Talking Dead)

Headbangers Halloween ---------------------

(guests: Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, Dave Mustaine, Dangerous Toys)

*Black Sabbath - Headless Cross.

Queensryche - Gonna Get Close To You.

Quantum Perm - Because Boys Love Curls.

Call 1 900 New Kids on the Block.

Kiss A Little Longer, Hold Tight A Little Longer, Stay Close A Little Longer with Big Red chewing gum.

You got the fever for corn flavor Pringles Corn Crisps.

Megadeth - No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Europe - Superstitious.

Share a little piece of America, Wrigley's Gum.

For a free Soloflex brochure, call anytime.

Time Life Music presents - Heart Rock.

Quiet Riot - MetalHealth.

King Diamond - Sleepless Nights.

Judas Priest - You Got Another Thing Coming.

Full Tilt Taste, Coors Extra Gold.

Dokken - Dream Warriors.

Motley Crue - Looks That Kill.

When a woman sweats - Secret Sporty Clean.

Women's Secret Confessions.

Overkill - Hello from the Gutter.

Dangerous Toys - Scared.

Annihilator - Allison Hell.

Kiss the Sky with Ocean Pacific.

Lyle Wagoner for the New Generation hair growth system.

Alice Cooper - Poison.

Alice Cooper - Teenage Frankenstein.

Danzig - Mother.

Kiss - I Love It Loud.

Iron Maiden - Can I Play with Madness.

Zed Yago - Black Bone Song.

Ozzy Osbourne - So Tired.

Ozzy Osbourne - Bark at the Moon.

Robert Englund was Freddy but now he is The Phantom of the Opera.

Helloween - Halloween.*

3 stars

--------------------------------

Elvira's Movie Macabre --Halloween special-- "Scared to Death" *Sexual innuendo featuring Elvira* 2 1/2 stars *Shocking suspense innuendo featuring Bela Lugosi.* 2 stars