#Tereasa Sykes (NPC)

[dm-foodqueen]

Selfish

Tereasa tries to ask Nikolas about his dreams for the future.

„If I learned anything, then it’s that I am selfish. And that my selfishness is cruel. And ugly. But I can’t help it. Maybe he was right. Maybe I caused his dreams to shatter. But I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted it to proof a point. I’m cruel. I’m guilty. I can not fix this. Happiness and time really are such fragile things. Dulai'ke, if I can’t heal him, I don’t think I’m worthy of carrying your seed.”

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Tereasa Sykes and her fiancé, Nikolas Sandler, were sitting on top of the roof of the Blue Order. They were looking out on the Blue Gardens beneath them, watching the people come and go. She enjoyed being alone with him, but he was always so quiet. By the end of the day, she would have to return home. She would not be able to be with him - for a whole year. It pained her. It must be hard for him too. Right? Her eyes wandered over to him. The last time she had seen Nick, his hair had been this short, scruffy mess. Now, it was longer, even longer on his right side and pulled back into a ponytail. He looked cute. She chuckled a bit as she pulled her legs closer to her body to lay her head on them. “So Nick, do you think when all this is over… Y’know…”, the girl stopped. She felt the blood rush into her head. The boy looked over to her, his intelligent eyes searching hers as she quickly hid her face behind her long, dark brown hair. “When we are married…”, she spoke these words softly, as in a dream. She still couldn’t believe that she had been chosen. Sure, there were political interests behind this marriage. But she wanted that boy. She wanted to be near him, she wanted to be there for him. Tereasa sheepishly brushed her hair out of her face and behind her ears to face her love again. “Do you think we finally be happy?”. The boy had watched her silently, his face showing no real emotion other than slight worry as she had stopped talking before. But now his expression changed, back to this blank, tired slate he always used like a mask. “We do not get to be anything. We are not supposed to feel anything.”, his voice sounded rational, but she could swear she heard a tired undertone in it as well. He probably had to explain the same thing to his weird group of friends so many times by now. “I know. I know…”, but she could not leave it at that. She wanted to talk about their future together. So she scooched closer to the red haired boy. As she entered his personal space, she could see how he suddenly tensed up. He leaned away from her, in an attempt to give her more room. She quickly whispered “No, it’s fine. You can stay” and waited a moment for Nikolas to return to his old pose. His expression has shifted to being confused. He looked at her intensely, to figure out how to act or what to do. It was as if he studied her. What are they teaching him? He is like a dog, waiting for an order… Tereasa was slightly confused, but Nikolas being awkward near her wasn’t anything new. It was kinda charming and cute. It was refreshing. It showed her that he wasn’t just an emotionless puppet. She loved that part of him. The real him. He was a mess, he was anxious and confused and she loved him so much. As soon as the boy was able to relax again, she leaned over to put her head on his shoulder. They stayed together like this for a few minutes before she decided to break the silence again. “I don’t know how you do it.”, she said, sitting back up straight again. She turned her body to be able to face him more easily. “But I just have all those emotions and I have to let them out somehow!”, she said excitedly. She wanted to raise his mood. “Maybe your training is more effective than mine?”, this girl was determined to start a conversation. She wanted him to talk to her so bad. She was leaving soon! But her excitement quickly faded to worry as she watched Nikolas’ reaction. Instead of getting excited he suddenly looked like he was in pain. His shoulders were tense again and he wasn’t able to keep eye contact with her. He quickly looked down to the street and let out a forced “I um… I do not think so.”. Time to change the topic and quick! “Do you know what you wanna do? After the training ends, I mean.”, she said, forcing an enthusiastic tone in her voice. Maybe the present sucked. But their future was something they could work towards together. It’s what kept her going. She wanted this so bad. She wanted him to want it as well. But he still seemed to be anxious, he wasn’t looking at her. So she continued talking. “I thought a long time about it. About what I would change and do after my so-called legendary awakening, hehe.”, she said, putting the awakening part in quotation marks with her hands. Nikolas finally looked at her again. He seemed worried, but he also didn’t want to be impolite. With a nod he asked her to continue. “Ok, ready? The big reveal!”, Tereasa leaned back from him a bit and put her hands together in front of her. She studied his expression for a short moment, before spreading her arms out wide and yelling: “I wanna travel!”. After that, she quickly covered her mouth with her hands, looking at Nikolas with big, excited eyes. He seemed to be studying her as well. She couldn’t tell if he was interested in her dream, her story or herself, but he was looking at her and this was more than enough. She wanted to share her world with him. “I wanna see the world we are supposed to cleanse. I wanna meet the people we are supposed to heal.”, She used her fingers to count her wishes as she went on and on about her future life. For a few seconds she could swear she saw Nikolas smile a bit. But his expression quickly changed back to a slightly worried look. So she leaned in closer to him again and started to whisper. “I know I can’t outrun this. But I think this way I might finally be free.”. Nikolas led out a quiet sigh, followed by a short chuckle. It warmed her heart and she couldn’t even try to hide her blushing face this time. “You sound so much like her…”, he whispered, a soft smile on his face. “Think they will let you? Travel, I mean.”. “Why wouldn’t they, I would still do as I’m told. So what about you? What do you wanna do?”, she asked, her eyes studying Nikolas’ smile. But that smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. He looked at her with this tired expression again. “After the awakening I will life to serve this world. There is no such thing as free will.”, he wasn’t even looking at her anymore. As he spoke, he turned his head to face the slowly setting sun in front of them. She searched for something to say. This couldn’t be how he really felt. “But… you must want something, right?”, Tereasa’s heart sank. How could he not be excited about his future, about finally being free? How could he not be happy, knowing he would live with her? “Yes.”, he was still not facing her. In fact, as he said that, his voice broke and he turned his head away from her completely. “So… what is it?”, she just had to know. If it was something she could give him, she would do anything to make it a reality. The boy shifted his pose and hugged his legs while turning his head to face her again. He was anxious. His eyes were looking at her nervously. “You must understand – I can not put it into words. As soon as I do, I would disobey the greater will of the gods.”. At this point, his entire body language was screaming at her to stop. But she couldn’t. She wanted to know it. She at least wanted to know if she could give it to him. “But… You feel that you want something. In that case your desire already exists within you. Speaking it out loud won’t suddenly break it. At least let me know if it is something I can give to you!”, she wanted to cheer him up. She wanted to help him. “As soon as anyone finds out, they will do anything in their power, so it doesn’t come true. As punishment for my selfishness.”, he started looking around on the roof nervously. “Who would do that?”, now she was just plain worried. There were no reasons for him to get so anxious about simply saying what was on his mind. He was aloud to want. He should want. She wanted to help him. She wanted to show him that wanting something was a human thing to do, it just meant being alive. She gently put her right hand on his cheek, her engagement ring softly glowing – a sign that the other half was nearby. “Nick. It’s just me here with you. I would never turn on you. You can be honest with me, I am the same as you.”, she whispered calmly. Oh how she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to hold him, to be there for him. But she couldn’t, not yet. Nikolas took a few deep breathes before he quietly started talking, his voice breaking ever so often. “I want… for Nila to be free. I want her to be able to leave the order, I want her as far away from Danish as possible, I want her to be able to start a new life somewhere.” The boy looked physically exhausted after this. He was shaking, covering his mouth with one of his hands while holding the other one over his head in a protective manner. His reaction worried her. That wasn’t what she had wanted. And she couldn’t find a way out of the situation she had brought upon her love. “Nila… is that girl you’re always with, right?”, she had heard him say that name before. “That’s a nice wish. If I can, I will help you with that.”, she said, giving him a kiss on his forehead. ___________________________________________

Lady Tereasa didn’t know how she was supposed to react after she heard the news. Nila had died in the war. Far, far away from where she could protect her, from where she could keep her promise to her love. She had failed him yet again. Guilt rushed into her head and almost blinded her. She had let him down yet again. He really must hate her. He was right. He always was. This was her fault. In a way, she had killed that girl. And she couldn’t do anything to make it right again. The guilt started to eat away at her sanity, leaving it’s black markings on her skin, starting from the right side of her head, flowing down until it reached her hand and she couldn’t feel her arm anymore. She looked down at her hand, alone in her room. The old engagement ring was still on her finger. She didn’t deserve to wear it any longer. But her selfishness was stronger than the guilt. She couldn’t take it off. She couldn’t give up on that dream she once had. What did I do?