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dm-foodqueen · 3 years

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Selfish

Tereasa tries to ask Nikolas about his dreams for the future.

„If I learned anything, then it’s that I am selfish. And that my selfishness is cruel. And ugly. But I can’t help it. Maybe he was right. Maybe I caused his dreams to shatter. But I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted it to proof a point. I’m cruel. I’m guilty. I can not fix this. Happiness and time really are such fragile things. Dulai'ke, if I can’t heal him, I don’t think I’m worthy of carrying your seed.”

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Tereasa Sykes and her fiancé, Nikolas Sandler, were sitting on top of the roof of the Blue Order. They were looking out on the Blue Gardens beneath them, watching the people come and go. She enjoyed being alone with him, but he was always so quiet. By the end of the day, she would have to return home. She would not be able to be with him - for a whole year. It pained her. It must be hard for him too. Right? Her eyes wandered over to him. The last time she had seen Nick, his hair had been this short, scruffy mess. Now, it was longer, even longer on his right side and pulled back into a ponytail. He looked cute. She chuckled a bit as she pulled her legs closer to her body to lay her head on them. “So Nick, do you think when all this is over… Y’know…”, the girl stopped. She felt the blood rush into her head. The boy looked over to her, his intelligent eyes searching hers as she quickly hid her face behind her long, dark brown hair. “When we are married…”, she spoke these words softly, as in a dream. She still couldn’t believe that she had been chosen. Sure, there were political interests behind this marriage. But she wanted that boy. She wanted to be near him, she wanted to be there for him. Tereasa sheepishly brushed her hair out of her face and behind her ears to face her love again. “Do you think we finally be happy?”. The boy had watched her silently, his face showing no real emotion other than slight worry as she had stopped talking before. But now his expression changed, back to this blank, tired slate he always used like a mask. “We do not get to be anything. We are not supposed to feel anything.”, his voice sounded rational, but she could swear she heard a tired undertone in it as well. He probably had to explain the same thing to his weird group of friends so many times by now. “I know. I know…”, but she could not leave it at that. She wanted to talk about their future together. So she scooched closer to the red haired boy. As she entered his personal space, she could see how he suddenly tensed up. He leaned away from her, in an attempt to give her more room. She quickly whispered “No, it’s fine. You can stay” and waited a moment for Nikolas to return to his old pose. His expression has shifted to being confused. He looked at her intensely, to figure out how to act or what to do. It was as if he studied her. What are they teaching him? He is like a dog, waiting for an order… Tereasa was slightly confused, but Nikolas being awkward near her wasn’t anything new. It was kinda charming and cute. It was refreshing. It showed her that he wasn’t just an emotionless puppet. She loved that part of him. The real him. He was a mess, he was anxious and confused and she loved him so much. As soon as the boy was able to relax again, she leaned over to put her head on his shoulder. They stayed together like this for a few minutes before she decided to break the silence again. “I don’t know how you do it.”, she said, sitting back up straight again. She turned her body to be able to face him more easily. “But I just have all those emotions and I have to let them out somehow!”, she said excitedly. She wanted to raise his mood. “Maybe your training is more effective than mine?”, this girl was determined to start a conversation. She wanted him to talk to her so bad. She was leaving soon! But her excitement quickly faded to worry as she watched Nikolas’ reaction. Instead of getting excited he suddenly looked like he was in pain. His shoulders were tense again and he wasn’t able to keep eye contact with her. He quickly looked down to the street and let out a forced “I um… I do not think so.”. Time to change the topic and quick! “Do you know what you wanna do? After the training ends, I mean.”, she said, forcing an enthusiastic tone in her voice. Maybe the present sucked. But their future was something they could work towards together. It’s what kept her going. She wanted this so bad. She wanted him to want it as well. But he still seemed to be anxious, he wasn’t looking at her. So she continued talking. “I thought a long time about it. About what I would change and do after my so-called legendary awakening, hehe.”, she said, putting the awakening part in quotation marks with her hands. Nikolas finally looked at her again. He seemed worried, but he also didn’t want to be impolite. With a nod he asked her to continue. “Ok, ready? The big reveal!”, Tereasa leaned back from him a bit and put her hands together in front of her. She studied his expression for a short moment, before spreading her arms out wide and yelling: “I wanna travel!”. After that, she quickly covered her mouth with her hands, looking at Nikolas with big, excited eyes. He seemed to be studying her as well. She couldn’t tell if he was interested in her dream, her story or herself, but he was looking at her and this was more than enough. She wanted to share her world with him. “I wanna see the world we are supposed to cleanse. I wanna meet the people we are supposed to heal.”, She used her fingers to count her wishes as she went on and on about her future life. For a few seconds she could swear she saw Nikolas smile a bit. But his expression quickly changed back to a slightly worried look. So she leaned in closer to him again and started to whisper. “I know I can’t outrun this. But I think this way I might finally be free.”. Nikolas led out a quiet sigh, followed by a short chuckle. It warmed her heart and she couldn’t even try to hide her blushing face this time. “You sound so much like her…”, he whispered, a soft smile on his face. “Think they will let you? Travel, I mean.”. “Why wouldn’t they, I would still do as I’m told. So what about you? What do you wanna do?”, she asked, her eyes studying Nikolas’ smile. But that smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. He looked at her with this tired expression again. “After the awakening I will life to serve this world. There is no such thing as free will.”, he wasn’t even looking at her anymore. As he spoke, he turned his head to face the slowly setting sun in front of them. She searched for something to say. This couldn’t be how he really felt. “But… you must want something, right?”, Tereasa’s heart sank. How could he not be excited about his future, about finally being free? How could he not be happy, knowing he would live with her? “Yes.”, he was still not facing her. In fact, as he said that, his voice broke and he turned his head away from her completely. “So… what is it?”, she just had to know. If it was something she could give him, she would do anything to make it a reality. The boy shifted his pose and hugged his legs while turning his head to face her again. He was anxious. His eyes were looking at her nervously. “You must understand – I can not put it into words. As soon as I do, I would disobey the greater will of the gods.”. At this point, his entire body language was screaming at her to stop. But she couldn’t. She wanted to know it. She at least wanted to know if she could give it to him. “But… You feel that you want something. In that case your desire already exists within you. Speaking it out loud won’t suddenly break it. At least let me know if it is something I can give to you!”, she wanted to cheer him up. She wanted to help him. “As soon as anyone finds out, they will do anything in their power, so it doesn’t come true. As punishment for my selfishness.”, he started looking around on the roof nervously. “Who would do that?”, now she was just plain worried. There were no reasons for him to get so anxious about simply saying what was on his mind. He was aloud to want. He should want. She wanted to help him. She wanted to show him that wanting something was a human thing to do, it just meant being alive. She gently put her right hand on his cheek, her engagement ring softly glowing – a sign that the other half was nearby. “Nick. It’s just me here with you. I would never turn on you. You can be honest with me, I am the same as you.”, she whispered calmly. Oh how she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to hold him, to be there for him. But she couldn’t, not yet. Nikolas took a few deep breathes before he quietly started talking, his voice breaking ever so often. “I want… for Nila to be free. I want her to be able to leave the order, I want her as far away from Danish as possible, I want her to be able to start a new life somewhere.” The boy looked physically exhausted after this. He was shaking, covering his mouth with one of his hands while holding the other one over his head in a protective manner. His reaction worried her. That wasn’t what she had wanted. And she couldn’t find a way out of the situation she had brought upon her love. “Nila… is that girl you’re always with, right?”, she had heard him say that name before. “That’s a nice wish. If I can, I will help you with that.”, she said, giving him a kiss on his forehead. ___________________________________________

Lady Tereasa didn’t know how she was supposed to react after she heard the news. Nila had died in the war. Far, far away from where she could protect her, from where she could keep her promise to her love. She had failed him yet again. Guilt rushed into her head and almost blinded her. She had let him down yet again. He really must hate her. He was right. He always was. This was her fault. In a way, she had killed that girl. And she couldn’t do anything to make it right again. The guilt started to eat away at her sanity, leaving it’s black markings on her skin, starting from the right side of her head, flowing down until it reached her hand and she couldn’t feel her arm anymore. She looked down at her hand, alone in her room. The old engagement ring was still on her finger. She didn’t deserve to wear it any longer. But her selfishness was stronger than the guilt. She couldn’t take it off. She couldn’t give up on that dream she once had. What did I do?

#dungeons-and-dice-campaign #short story #Nikolas Sandler (NPC)#Tereasa Sykes (NPC)#flashback #thats 3 pages again i am so sorry #the enrique one is even longer rip #anyway #its not romantic or anything cuz i dont know how to do that #but yeah i just like making all my npcs suffer

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dm-foodqueen · 3 years

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Empty

After Nilas death, Nikolas is left all alone again to ponder emotions.

"When we are alone... there is just nothing. Alone we are nothing. Alone we are not special. But as soon as there is at least one other person, there will be something. Suddenly we will be unique. Suddenly we will be someone. Suddenly there will be thought. And of course, there will be jealousy, anger, conflict. But most importantly there will be difference. There will be change. There will be possibilities to learn and to grow as a person. And with time, we will be able to understand each other and accept one another. Meeting more and more people will allow you to see the world differently.”

This weird girl was sitting on the ground next to him, her red hair was still a mess from sneaking into his dungeon. She said her name was Nikola. He could not understand her. At least she appeared to be smart for her age. She could not have been much older than him. She said she wanted to meet him, that she was searching for him. “Your Nikolas, right? Everyone is so excited to meet you! So why not go upstairs and greet them for a change?”, is what she had said after finding him in the depths of the Blue Order. What an odd girl. She was dressed in fine blue and grey clothing. He had seen this kind of clothing before. It was similar to what the guards of the Order wore under their armor. Nikolas felt the need to sigh but restrained himself from doing so. If Danish found out he would get scolded again. This was not worth it.

“I am this worlds savior. I cannot allow myself to become tainted. I must stay pure, otherwise this world shall fall into ruin.”, the boy said in a neutral voice. She did not know any better. The importance of the situation must be explained to her.

The girl tilted her head to the side, her blue eyes looking at him with an expression he has seen on the adults so many times before. What is that? “So, you're supposed to help people and to save the world? Well then tell me how you are going to do that, if you don't know them? if you don't know the range of emotions they went through? If you haven't seen their nightmares? If you don't speak their language? If you've never heard their voices?”, her voice had lost the cheerful tone from her introduction. She suddenly sounded different. He could not place this new tone of her voice.

“I am going to take all this pain from them. They will only need to know what I know, which is eternal peace.”, Nikolas explained. That poor girl. She must be so confused.

“I know Danish thinks this is the right way. But shielding you from the world, having you be alone for all your life, having you learn to feel nothing at all is not going to help anyone. It's only going to hurt you in the process. I don't want that for you, Nick.”, the girls voice was trembling. His mother’s voice sounded similar whenever she came to visit him in the dungeon.

“I am not hurting.”, he stated. “ ... I don't understand you.”. Why was she so invested in this? Why could she not understand that he had to stay down here?

“You are hurting. You are sad. You are lonely. You are miserable. I know you are. Because I’m the same. What do we do that for?”, tears started to form in the corner of her eyes. The boy did not understand, neither did he have an answer for her. She is wrong.

After Nikolas did not answer her for a while, she whirled her arms around him and pulled him in for a hug. “I promise you - I will find a way to sneak in here. You don't have to be alone anymore. I beg you, let me fix this”. After that she silently started to cry. _______________________________________________

Why am I thinking of this now?

Nikolas Sandler, the former hero of Jolia and future personal advisor of Lord Cullen, Master of Magi and member of the Lords council, was standing alone in the dark, empty room in the depths of the dungeon that has been his prison for all his life.

Now that the war was over, he had to stay here again. He would not be allowed out anymore. And why would he not want to stay in here? He was no hero. He was not part of a prophecy. He is not going to help anyone. He could not even help her. He could not save her.

Being alone again will be good. Because being with others had led to nothing but... What is this feeling called? Disappointment? Maybe that was it. There is no way he would know. What he did know was the following: Being with those five felt great. It was like Nila always said: they were a family. Of course, that would not last. Family was nothing but trouble anyway.

She died. He vanished. The other had to grow up to become the lands Lord now. And they… They betrayed him both.

How could I not see this coming?

She killed her. He protected that murderer and left him. That was why they always said he was not allowed to be with others. It would mark him. It would drain him. They were not there for him. They were there to gain something from being with him.

Well, this child's play will end now. It will just be himself and his thoughts. … Strange. Just what is this feeling?

Don't be sad. I will make sure you won't be alone. Because now you have me. And I will never betray you. Those idiots were nothing but a nuisance anyway. You were right to tell them off. Your sister’s loss is a tragedy. Let's make sure something like that will never happen again.

There it was again. This weird voice in his head. It was not there before. But one day, after her death, he woke up and it would be there. Right. So that is why he was still not feeling normal.

“I want you gone.”, he said, his voice being nothing but a hiss.

With me gone, you won't be able to know your own thoughts anymore.

“I do not want to think. I do not want to feel. Just leave me alone.”, he spitted out those words. He could not wait to go back to feeling nothing. Why did this voice still have to linger?

We are already bound. We made a deal. But I shall wait and return to you when you need me. But you *will* keep your end of the bargain.

This again. The voice did not make any sense, just make it stop!

“I never made a deal. And if you are only going to use me, I will not be needing you. Now do not make me repeat myself. Leave me alone.”. The man’s voice had turned into a growl by now, he was losing his patience.

As you wish.

And with that, there was silence. For the first time in many years there were no other voices. But something was not right. He should feel nothing. But...

This feeling... It is still there? I should not feel anything. ... Am I broken?

Maybe this feeling has already been there, even way back when. Just what was this feeling? Nila once said he felt sad. So, is this sadness? No, he has been sad before. This was nothing like that.

For a while he wandered around in the dark void, trying to find answers. And then he came to a sudden stop. A memory flashed before his eyes.

_______________________________________________

Nila was there. She had been crying for days. But this time, she was not crying when she came to him. She was not talking much. She was not eating anything from the food she brought him.

"I just feel... Empty, today. I'm sorry. I'll be better. Right now, I just don't have the strength to cry anymore.", she said, putting on a fake smile.

"Are you tired?", he had asked her. He had learned to care for her. This behavior was unusual and worrisome. He wanted his sister to be alright, she already had been trough so much. She deserved better.

Nikola shook her head. "Exhausted. But I don't have the strength to care right now. I didn't mean to bring you down. But I really didn't want to be alone with that right now. Feeling empty is the worst thing, I'd rather not feel anything at all."

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Empty, huh. Guess I deserve this.

#dungeons-and-dice-campaign #short story #Nikolas Sandler (NPC)#Nikola Danish (NPC)#flashback #this is 3 pages i am so sorry

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