#The Words “Best Friends” Become Redefined part 6

[ourloveisforthelovely]

The Words "Best Friends" Become Redefined Part 6

Regulus Black AU

Summary: You had been Regulus’ friend since childhood and now his mistress. The war had changed many things, Regulus among them. Now its time to decide if you should put your self-worth over missing someone who was gone.  

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Rating: M- smut

Link to Part 5

Song in chapter: Narcissistic Cannibal by Korn

_____

Over the following few weeks, Regulus kept up his promise. He was trying harder to gain your approval and affection than anyone else in the world ever had. You were waking up to flowers on your bedside table, cutesy little notes, and requests for dates. As long as you had known Regulus, you had never seen him work this hard for a woman.

And I can’t be more flattered

You thought with a smile after waking up to the newest bouquet of flowers on your table.

If only I could make myself fully trust him.

The second thought was enough to make the dark thoughts return…as they typically did. Even though Regulus was working hard to gain your affection, parts of you still worried that once you fully trusted him he would go cold again. You weren’t sure if your heart could honestly take another letdown from the man you loved so much.

Love is a funny word.

Love truly felt funny for you to say. You had always been aware of its existence and had always been exposed to it. Remus loved Sirius. James loved Lily. Your parents truly loved each other but for some reason, love didn’t seem to like you. While you understood that Regulus did what he did for a reason (at least, that is what he told you) you still felt nervous to accept what Regulus was offering to you now.

What if you said yes and he changed his mind? What if he went dark again? Would you be able to handle the thought of him in those death eater robes again? What if he went back to his family and the dark side and was killed? You wouldn’t be able to handle it. You would need to die right along with him.

I’ll have to decide something soon. The poor man is really going out of his way.

You got out of bed to get ready for the day’s activities, a trip to Azkaban. You didn’t want to go back but orders from Moody said you were.

“Might as well get this over with.”

(later that day)

Regulus sat at the table brooding over a cup of coffee when Sirius plopped down in front of him.

“Good day, star shine.”

Regulus looked up at his brother before flipping him off. Sirius made a fake offended expression before putting a hand on his heart.

“How rude! What the fuck is wrong with you? Did Y/n not fluff your pillows last night?”

Regulus groaned. He would love for you to “fluff his pillows.” It had been so long since he was able to touch you and it was driving him nuts. While he was trying to respect your decision to move slowly (or that was the way that he was taking it) he was going nutty. Now here Sirius sat trying to be funny but no one was laughing….

“Yeah right.”

Regulus grumbled. Sirius leaned back in his seat. He wasn’t a fool. Sirius knew exactly what you were doing and what Regulus was being put through.

“Look Reg, you can’t blame her. Y/n has been through a lot. She’s loved you for a long time.”

Regulus groaned again.

“I’m aware, Sirius.”

Sirius was quiet for a moment. He watched his younger brother carefully. Sirius knew Regulus was trying. Regulus was trying harder than he had ever tried at anything in his life.

Sirius had a lot of things that he wanted to say to Regulus. He wanted to threaten him to not break your heart again. Sirius couldn’t sit back and watch that happen over and over. He also wanted to tell Regulus how proud of him he was. It was the total flipside of the coin.

Regulus, in all of his years, didn’t seem as self-absorbed as he once did. For once, Regulus was trying to put someone else first. Sirius could also see that Regulus, in fact, had feelings. Regulus wasn’t the stuck-up House of Black heir…and Sirius couldn’t be more proud of him.

“You really love her don’t you?”

Regulus nodded.

“More than anything. I know you don’t believe me but I did everything that I did for a reason. As I told Y/n, I knew that she would have followed me anywhere. I did not want to see her dead or in prison for supporting me. If she had been killed, my life would be over. Y/n is my reason for existing. Without her, I would walk out in front of a muggle bus.”

Sirius sat quietly for a moment.

“First off, no walking out in front of muggle buses. I can not process that one. I know Y/n is giving you a heck of a time but keep trying. She’s like Remus. You have to keep working through those layers. I know Y/n very well and she loves you. Maybe you should make a move?”

“Yeah and get my head kicked in…I’m feeling a lot of love…”

The conversation was interrupted by the sound of loud music coming from the living room. Sirius glanced over his shoulder before smirking.

“Your wife is home…and judging by what’s coming from the living room it sounds like she’s had a bad day. You should go check on her…”

Regulus quickly stood up before going into the living room where you lay, rather dramatically, with one arm over your eyes.

Sometimes I hate the life I made Everything's wrong every time Pushing on, I can't escape Everything that comes my way Is haunting me, taking its sweet time Holding on, I'm lost in a haze Fighting life to the end of my days

Regulus blinked a few times before walking over to the stereo and shutting it off. You lowered your arm slowly and gave him a little frown.

“Why did you turn my music off?”

Regulus moved to sit down beside you on the couch as you put your arm once again over your face.

“I take it you had a bad day?”

You whined.

“Something like that. I had to go to Azkaban and that place just sucks the joy right out of you.”

Regulus tilted his head to the side before tentatively reaching out and taking your free hand in his. He gently stroked his thumb over the palm of your hand rubbing soothing circles.

“Did you use your patronus?”

You nodded.

“I’m still exhausted though. Random fun fact, my patronus is still your animagus form.”

Regulus slightly smiled as you lowered your am taking in his reaction.

“I’m sure if I could make one again mine would still be yours too.”

You moved your eyes to look at the ceiling.

“Reg, I can’t keep doing it.”

“Doing what?”

Regulus questioned, his voice darkening. You turned to look at him again taking in his appearance. The man in front of you was Regulus, your Regulus. It felt as if you were sitting here with your best friend… like nothing had changed. You truly missed this feeling.

“This…trying to keep up some tough front with you. I’ve missed you so much. Now we are in this house together all the time. You are going to new heights to prove yourself. I love you, Regulus but I’m scared to get hurt again. I need to rant so work with me here. I’m scared that I’m going to open my heart and you will leave to go back to them. I’m scared that I am going to see you in those death eater robes again…or in the morgue. I don’t want to have to see you be put into some fancy coffin knowing that I will never see you again…”

You were relieved to see Regulus’ mouth drop. He quickly moved to sit on his knees to stroke his fingers down your cheek.

“Y/n, love, I promise I will not be going back to that side. I saw the error in my old ways of thinking. I am not going anywhere. Does it make you feel better knowing that I feel the same way every time you leave this house for work? Love, you are a bit of a crazy girl. Sometimes your antics are rather…wild. I know you have a hard time trusting me and I don’t blame you but I’m here…with you now.”

You moved to sit up and slide your way down onto Regulus’ lap. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you tentatively pressed your forehead to his. You wanted to preserve the moment of closeness as long as you could. Regulus snuggled his face right back wanting the same thing.

“I want you to be the good guy.”

Regulus placed a hand on the side of your face.

“I’m being the good guy now.”

Sirius’ suggestion of “maybe you need to make a move” popped back into Regulus’ mind. He took a breath before leaning down to press a kiss to your lips. To Regulus’ surprise, you didn’t push him away or panic, instead you kissed him back. Every moment of the kiss was exactly what Regulus needed.

“I want you, Reggie.”

You moaned against his mouth. Regulus sighed.

“I don’t want you to regret it and ruin all of this progress we’ve made.”

You chuckled, softly while twirling your fingers in Regulus’ curls.

“I’ve really put you through hell haven’t I, darling?”

Regulus shrugged.

“I mean…I have been jacking off in the shower more than I ever did as a teenager. That and I have been fawning over you pathetically…ask my brother.”

You gave Regulus another small kiss before glancing over his shoulder. The last thing that you wanted was for Remus to see Regulus toting you up to your room. Sure, Remus had an idea that you were going to get back with Regulus eventually. That, however, didn’t mean that he needed to see it.

“Why don’t we go upstairs and fix that?”

You suggested. Regulus waited all of three seconds before picking you up and going upstairs.

_____

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[myelocin]

To Us, A Love Story Unwritten | Kuroo T., Miya A.

Hello!! Before you begin reading, THIS STORY IS A PART TWO to Redefining You , which I highly recommend you read first because a lot of things are connected! :D

Part 1 | Part 2 | Epilogue | Bonus

Synopsis: Time away from Tetsurou leads you to the serendipity that is Miya Atsumu. 

Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou, You, Miya Atsumu

Genre/Warnings/Tags: None! Angst,  HEALING, Hurt & Comfort, surfer!Atsumu, tattooed!Kuroo, Fluff

WC: 7600+

a/n: here’s a word dump of my feelings bcos i made an oopsie and projected real ppl in 2d characters again

*playlist if u want maximum feelies: Blue (Elina), Miles Apart (Nick Wilson)

-

The thought of healing didn’t cross your mind until some months later.

In the mornings after that morning, you stood in your balcony, leaning against the railing with a mug of coffee, your thoughts wandering. Sometimes you thought of what kind of coffee you liked, and other times you caught yourself wondering how Tetsurou moved through his six AMs. Morning thoughts were reserved for the things you prefer to keep out of your head during the day. Tetsurou, of course, had always been an exception. He somehow always flowed in your train of thought whether the numbers on your watch flashed 3am or 3pm.

Or now, you thought after taking a quick peek at the time in your phone, 6:19 AM; all you could think about was how sad his golden eyes looked against the black of Tokyo’s backdrop.

Tetsurou making his way into your thoughts has always how it’s been for almost a decade, and habits are a little hard to break. At least, that’s what you say to reason with yourself.

Thinking back to your words that night, the “I love you” just kind of slipped out. But you know you meant it. Shifting your wrist to the side, you studied the tattoo again, then closed your eyes to remember the expression on your best friend’s features.

You meant the I love you, you told yourself again. Towards yourself that was for sure; towards Tetsurou.

And that’s always going to be the case, taunted the voice in the back of your head.

After that night, Tetsurou had broken up with his long term girlfriend for good. Though he didn’t necessarily ruin himself over the breakup—there were changes.

He still texted you at odd hours to show you a video he thought was funny, still showed up to your apartment for movie nights, and more or less was still present. But it was during the particularly sentimental scenes in the movie where he’d choose to refill the popcorn or grab another soda, and you could see that his can was still half full. You noticing that Tetsurou always chose to pick the other boba shop that was on the other side of town never flew past you either. You knew that that was the shop he always used to take her after classes—so even seeing how his hands never failed to tighten against the steering wheel when the two of you would drive by, you always pretended not to notice. Even though four months had passed, you know that for him, the wound was still fresh.

And remembering how sad he looked that night, you couldn’t help yourself to feel for his pain. At the end of the day, weren’t you just two people who yearned for the love that couldn’t be yours?

So you sigh and take a sip of coffee from the mug; it had grown a little cold. The digital clock on your phone read 6:31 AM next to a text from Tetsurou asking if you had time for lunch later.

Replying a quick ‘yep. meet u at the usual :)’, did nothing for you trying to have a more productive day off today and thus the morning felt a little slower than normal, so you sigh. Again.

It was going to be one of those days.

-

Tetsurou always made it a point to look gorgeous. Was he trying? Probably not, but that son a bitch knew people gave him looks that lingered a bit too long to be considered just a passing glance. You nearly snort in laughter at the way he opens the door to the café a little too, for better words, extravagantly, and walk to you purposely taking his time because you could tell he felt the way the young mom sitting at the table near the counter was giving him the look.

Then again, you don’t blame her. You weren’t too far from her reaction, albeit you actually had the decency to not openly gawk at him. Tetsurou plopped down in the chair opposite from you and pushed his sleeves up to his elbows and propping them up the table before grabbing the menu from the middle of the table.

Already knowing your order, and his even though he still looks through the menu every time, you sit in your seat waiting for him to settle on the same thing he ordered the last time you ate there.

“Tetsu, why do you have to be so extra every time you see someone looking at you for more than three seconds?”

He cocked his head to the side and peeked at you from behind the menu, “Because I’m hot, tree.”

Though you rolled your eyes at the nickname, you still smiled at the familiar banter, “I still don’t get why you call me tree when you’re the literal beanpole in this friendship.”

“That’s rich coming from you, considering you told people you knew a talking rooster in highschool,” he deadpanned, but you knew he was on the edge of a chuckle from the way he emphasized his words.

“Hey,” you raised your arms up in defense, “people thought you were interesting that way so…”

Tetsurou set the menu down and rolled his eyes at your response as the waiter greeted the two of you. Before Tetsurou could open his mouth to say what he wanted, you spoke, “I’ll get the carbonara and he’ll get the tonkatsu ramen—“

“Oi-“ he interrupted from the side, still, you continued, “we’ll also get iced tea, extra sugar for him, and a little less for me.”

The waiter looked between the two of you waiting for Tetsurou to finish speaking but he only leans back huffing out a, “She’s right.”

You smirked. “You get the same thing every time.”

“Well what if I want something else one day?” he replied to which you rolled your eyes as a reply.

In between bites, Tetsurou looks up from his meal, “Any plans?”

You twirled the straw of your drink around the liquid and looked at him, “I was thinking of traveling somewhere. My boss is letting me take some time off, and season’s kind of slow, so might as well.”

He nods, and then points his chopsticks at you, sighing, “Oh to be young and employed with an employer who doesn’t want to kill you with work.”

“We’re literally seven months apart,” you deadpan.

He huffs in his seat and continues eating.

-

“Have you decided where you’re going?”

You look to your left at Tetsurou who’s facing you, no longer paying attention to the movie playing in the TV.  Smoothing out the blanket on your lap, you sigh and tilt your head. “Kinda? I’m thinking somewhere warm. Kinda miss the sea.”

At this point the movie you two settled on a few hours ago had been completely forgotten, so you shift your body and face him. He offers you your third (or was it the fourth?) can of beer for that night, which you take and pop open immediately.

“(Y/n), can you even swim?” he laughs.

You glare at him from behind your drink. “I can go and look pretty in the beach while sipping my margaritas thank you very much.” 

Tetsurou clinks his can against yours and leans back against the couch, shifting to a more comfortable position. When he finally settles, he positions his head in a way that’s still facing you.

Draping your legs across his lap, you rearrange the blanket so that it covers the both of you. You feel the weight of his hands leaning against your legs and then hear him speak, “How long are you gonna be gone?”

You shrug. “I don’t know, a month? Two months? Haven’t even got the ticket yet.”

He gives you a look you can’t decipher, and then his voice becomes a little quiet, “What if I want to go with you?”

“Tetsu, you know your job won’t let you off that long,” you reply. 

He lets out an exaggerated sigh and pout at you, “You’re going to go and find a new surfer best friend who’ll buy you margaritas that flips his hair and you’ll forget about me.”

You chuckle. “Like that’s gonna happen.”

At this point the alcohol must have hit the both of you because you suddenly look at him, eyes soft in the way you usually would mask in the hours you were sober. He looks at you, equally as deep in the state of inebriation as you are because his eyes are as hazy as the slur in his tone when he says, “Nope! Because you looooove me (y/n).”

And he laughs at his own joke, tilting his head back to take another swig of beer. The comedic undertone flies past you anyway, because you fiddle with the edge of your sweater and sadly nod, “Yeah. I do”

In front of you, Tetsurou raises his hand, smiling, then hollers, “High five! Love you too.”

If it wasn’t for the liquid confidence, you would’ve laughed along to his joke and take another gulp of your beer to swallow the confession—but you’re four cans in and Tetsurou saying that he loves you too clouds the usual boundaries swimming in your head.

He doesn’t notice you when you take another heavy gulp from your can, or bite your lip afterwards, but he hears you when you say, “I do, you dumb fuck, I love you.”

And as soon as you say it, you feel him look at you. You choose to keep your head down. A few beats of silence passes before he speaks, “I know, (y/n),” he reaches forward to grab your hand, taking it into his. He traces the lining of the tattoo before continuing, “I know your tattoo story. And I’m still proud of-“

“I love you, Tetsurou,” you could almost wince at how loud it echoed in the silence, and the alcohol is still swimming in your system so you take another gulp hoping to dive deeper.

You feel him stop tracing the lines on your wrist so you take your hand back to your lap. He let the quiet envelop the room again before he spoke, and you could tell he was careful with his words.

“That time in the balcony, when you said you loved someone…” he trailed off so you look up and catch his stare. His eyes were still glassy; your head was still swimming, the rational thoughts further muffled by liquid confidence.

“I meant you,” you say, and try to fight the urge to break eye contact.

And because Tetsurou chooses to reply with a hushed ‘I’m sorry.’, you tell him ‘it’s okay, Tetsu.’ and retreat to your bedroom with a mumbled excuse of sleeping off a headache.

You lie in the dark with one hand over your eyes and sniffle quietly. You hear his “I’m sorry,” echo in the silence, but you try to ignore the thought at how immediate the apology was. He always had a habit of thinking about his answers in uncertain situations.

But you know him more than you give yourself credit for, you realize, so you shut your eyes and ignore the sting of the tears because you know. You’ve always known everything you felt for him had been on the unrequited side for the most part.

The certainty in his apology still hurt none the less.

--

That morning you wake up with a slight pound in your head and an empty apartment. At least he didn’t stick around, you thought, fully aware that the conversation afterwards would have most likely been too awkward to sit through.

Sighing as you rounded the corner to enter the kitchen, you paused in your track to look at the table where a plate of omurice lay in the middle next to a glass of sweet tea, the condensation still a little fresh on the glass.

Taking a seat and whispering a soft, “Itadakimasu”, you picked up the glass and took a sip. It didn’t taste as sweet as his.

Your eyes still stung, but you couldn’t help but smile at the taste. Looks like he remembers how you like your tea too.

-

After that night, there never really came a talk about where the two of you stood. Two days after the not so sober confession, Tetsurou showed up at your door with a bag of donuts demanding your company to picnic at this new spot he found recently. So you played along and pretended like nothing happened. The rational thoughts were back, your head no longer cloudy so this time, you laughed along with Tetsurou.

Though you could tell this time around his gaze towards you lingered a little longer, and he began to have moments where it looked like he was contemplating to start a conversation then ultimately deciding against it at the very last second. It was fine, though. You weren’t sure if you were ready to have that conversation just yet.

So the next few weeks flowed like how it always did. Movie nights, playful banters, small talk, and beer—only this time you never drank more than two.

“Have you decided where you’re going?” he asks.

“Yeah, there’s this island in the Philippines. Siargao. My flight’s next week. The place looks sunny enough, but I might hop around the other islands if I stay long enough,” you reply.

“Don’t drown,” he laughs, and sets his beer down. You turn your focus back to the movie after chuckling at his reply and ignore how he never picked up a third can this time. And unlike before, he didn’t ask if he could come along this time.

-

Tetsurou drops you off with a half hug and a request that you update him as often as you can.

After a final wave at the gate, you board the plane with a return ticket to Japan slotted for two months later down the year.  

-

The island of Siargao is as beautiful as the pictures you always see on social media. Outside the unit you rented, was a stretch of untouched beach that was some ways from the main square of the city. And true to your words, for the first week of your arrival, you spent your days kicking the sand, lounging by the water and sipping on margaritas.

Tetsurou sent you multiple messages during the first few days, to which you replied through selfies with your margaritas. He’d send you a photo of himself rolling his eyes with the caption “off to work, because I have a job. Like some people.” , or something along similar lines.

You tried to think this wasn’t some random trip you took just because of Tetsurou. It had been a long time since you last took a vacation for yourself; work was lenient, you saved up enough, and frankly, you missed the beach. Tetsurou was just the icing on top of the cake that helped you make your decision, you rationalized.

Plus, you thought, this place is paradise.

And you held on to that thought because a few days later came the knock on your door at six in the morning that introduced you to the serendipity you never could have predicted. Your little summer serendipity came in the form of a six foot one, and totally ripped blonde named Miya Atsumu.

He knocked at your door asking if you knew any places that rented out surfboards and scooters. By the time he was at the third word of his sentence, you knew he was Japanese because of the accent that lingered after he spoke. By the fourth sentence, he smiled in a way that had his eyes crinkling. And by the end of the conversation, by whatever being possessed you in that moment, probably that extra margarita, you had agreed to go to the main square in the city with him.

Atsumu knocks on your door for the second time that day at five in the afternoon wearing a loose white button shirt and another eye crinkling smile. Dangling a set of keys in one hand he nodded behind him and said, “Ready to go? I got the scooter from the place you told me.”

This time, you voiced out your hesitation, “Ahh, it’s alright. You don’t have to get dinner for me tonight. I just happened to know a place.”

He smiles and blinks at you laughing, “Ya travelin’ alone?” You nod then he continues, “Same here. Might as well know someone in the area. Heard the food here’s good, so let’s go.”

You open your mouth to protest but he turns and walks towards his scooter so you huff and follow after him. He did have a point. You were going to be there for two months so might as well actually take the time to know some people.

-

After Atsumu helps you fasten the belt on the helmet, he tells you to ‘feel free to hold on to my waist if ya need to balance.’ and then backs to the main street. Your hands rest on his shoulders as he drives along a road parallel to the stretch of water on your far left. It must have been close to seven, you take note, because as you glance up the colors in the sky begin to blend into mellow hues of orange and red.

You look forward and glance at Atsumu’s reflection in the side mirror before briefly catching his eye. From the mirror, you could see an expression that was somewhere between a smirk and a smile.

“Ya like what ya see?” he yells over the wind.

You squeeze his shoulder, then lean closer saying, “Just drive. I’m not in the mood to die.”

He laughs over the holler of the open air and you can’t help but smile along to how his laugh lingers in the air.

Soon enough, the two of you settle into a restobar by the beach, one close enough to the water where you could ditch your flip flops and let your feet sink in the sand.

This has got to be the fifth margarita I’m drinking today, you think to yourself before taking a sip. Still good though, you inwardly snort. Atsumu sits across you from the table nursing his own choice of drink.

The atmosphere was nice, the live musician strumming his first song in the background. Then Atsumu speaks from across you, “So,” he begins, “How long ya stayin’?”

You fiddle with the straw of your drink, facing him, “Two months. You?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know yet. Off season and there’s not much to do back home, so might as well be bored somewhere a little more scenic.”

“Indefinite vacation,” you nod—impressed, “Must be hella loaded.”

He laughs again, “I’m comfortable.”

The silence envelops the two of you again, but as the musician begins another song, from the corner of your eye you see Atsumu listen, clap, and smile so you decide maybe befriending this stranger won’t be so bad after all.

The next night you head for go for drinks, Tetsurou messages you with a picture of him and Kenma in the car with a caption, “movie night minus the traitor who left the country >:((“ and you reply with your signature margarita selfie with Atsumu throwing a peace sign to your right. Tetsurou replies with a smiley face and you don’t hear from him for the rest of the night.

-

The next few weeks consisted of waking up shy of the sunrise and walks along the trail where the waves crept towards the sand. Atsumu liked to join you in the mornings, of course, the days he actually wakes up before ten AM. Some days you’d watch him peddle out into the water catching wave after wave as you sat in the sand, under a shade. You didn’t really go out into the water and preferred to just sit in the sun, so the times Atsumu would catch a break, he’d lay out a towel next to you and sit to talk.

He was talkative. Extremely talkative. But it was welcome, you suppose. He asked aimless questions during conversations. Conversations with him usually sounded like this: “(y/n)?” “Yep?” “Whadda ya think about riceballs?” “They’re…okay, I guess.” “Good to know.”

It was endearing, you suppose. Atsumu respected your boundaries and never pried, that fact was for sure. Though, he chose to fill in the beats of silence with little facts about his life. Over the course of the next month, in the moments you’d spend with Atsumu during the day, you’ve learned that he was playing for a professional volleyball team, he’s originally not from Tokyo, he tripped during a fan meeting, has a twin brother who’s darn good at cookin’ (he emphasized), and that his favorite food is fatty tuna. You don’t remember specifically asking, but he talks anyway you can’t bring yourself to mind one bit.

During the past month and some, Tetsurou sporadically texts you a greeting to which you reply to—but this time, it wasn’t until much, much later that you realize you didn’t think too much about the change of tone and much hastier conversations. You usually ended the phone call this time around, too.

Nearing the last few stretches of golden hour, Atsumu would routinely knock at your door and drag you out to walk around the beach only retreating to your respective units hours after the sunset.

It was during this one night where Atsumu sits you down and stars a small bonfire. He excused himself for a brief moment then came back with a Tupperware of what you assumed to be snacks, a blanket, and a hoodie which he lent you (that up to now you still haven’t returned).  You smile as he takes his seat next to you, comfortable in his hoodie.

“So,” Atsumu breaks the silence, “how come yer runnin’ away for two months?”

“That’s kinda sudden,” you reply.

He knocks your shoulder with his lightly before speaking again, “You don’t have ta’ share if you don’t wanna.”

“No pressure,” he says again and his eyes crinkle at his smile so you press your shoulder against his and say, “I just wanted time for myself I guess.”

He nods, so you continue, “It’s nothing dramatic, really. For a big part of my life I just…lived according to how people placed me in their lives. I guess I just wanted the space where I had to make decisions from nothing if that even makes any sense.”

“Depends. How many margaritas did ya have today?” he jokes.

“Atsumu! You were with me the whole day, I haven’t even had one yet,” you laugh out.

“But I understand what ya’ mean. Yer all good, I just thought you were gonna say you were soul searchin’ cause of a boy that broke ya’ heart back home.”

You look at him and wince. “In a way, that was a factor as well.”

Half expecting a sympathetic reply, you find yourself rolling your eyes and laughing because Atsumu suddenly yells, “Bingo!” and flicks your forehead.

He faces you and holds his hands up, “Hey, we all got a reason to do stuff so I ain’t gonna judge ya’.”

You smile and lean against his shoulder because you know he’s sincere. 

“Atsumu?” you call out.

“Yeah?” he replies as he turns his head looking at you. 

The red of the flames flicker as a glassy reflection against the brown in his eyes and your thoughts become jumbled for a second.

“If I find out you’re here because you got dumped I’m never letting you live it down.”

His eyes crinkle along with his laugh and you find yourself missing the pools of brown, but the echo of his laugh resonates clear in your ears as compensation so you decide you’re satiated.

“I swear I just got bored back home!”

Atsumu spends the next few hours by telling you stories and giving you soft smiles, and you don’t notice the absence of Tetsurou’s message that night.

-

On the afternoon after some weeks more, Atsumu comes to you by knocking at your door at five in the afternoon (which doesn’t even surprise you at this point), demanding you put on swimwear because he was going to teach you how to swim. At first, you stare at him with a blank look—wherein he stares at you right back with equal intensity, so after some time, you sigh and shoo him out, telling him you’ll meet him outside after you get ready.

After tugging on some shorts and a bikini top, you walk outside and glance around looking for the telltale blonde of Atsumu’s head. It doesn’t really surprise you when you hear your name being hollered from some distance, so as you look to the direction of the water—you see Atsumu waving his arms wildly, already waist deep out in sea.

The water was warm, at least, and you carefully wade in the water towards Atsumu. He lets you grab his arms to help you find balance against the waves knocking against you.

“You know you’re going to fail if you try to teach me right?” you say.

“Just needed an excuse to get you in the water,” he chuckles. 

You respond by splashing him with a handful of water. And somewhere in between splashes of water and playful banter, you find yourself wading chest deep into warm water, Atsumu’s arms acting as your anchor against the push and pull of the waves. The two of you stay like that for some time and you allow the woosh of the water and distant sounds of the children on shore fill the silence.

“Golden hour’s almost up, ‘Tsumu, we should go back.” you say after some time. 

He stands behind you and leans down a bit, then surprises you as he wraps his arms around you, pulling your back to his chest. Your breath hitches, then his voice sounds low near your ear, “Look at the sky.”

And so you do. The sky in front of you lights itself in bursting shades of oranges, reds, and touches of violets. You turn your face to the side but stop because you see Atsumu staring at you, the expression on his face soft.

“Pretty, ain’t it?” his lips part to say, and you nod because you see licks of the sky’s painting reflected in the glassy brown pools of Atsumu’s eyes.

He blinks and smiles in a softer way that only the corners crinkle up, and you don’t notice how your hand eventually found its way to wrap around his because you’re gravitating towards him—face angling closer until you felt his lips press against your forehead.

“Did you know,” you begin, “when you feel deja vu that means the universe is telling you you’re going down the right path?”

Atsumu looks as you, “Does this feel familiar?”

“In a way,” you respond and smile.

Turning to face him, Atsumu’s hands cradle yours as he presses his lips towards the side of your lips, then back to the side of your head feeling him smiling into the kiss. “You’re somethin’ else, (y/n).”

You look at him wearing a smile mirroring his, “Something good I hope.”

It’s something good, you decide later that night as you settle in bed after dinner with Atsumu. The past few hours flew by in a mirage of good conversation, light hearted jokes and even more eye crinkling smiles from Atsumu.

Settling into the comforter, you grab your laptop just in time as Tetsurou’s face pops up on screen, requesting a video call. Propping yourself up on your elbows, you hit the accept button and wave hello as Tetsuou’s face appears on the screen. He holds a can of beer as a greeting and leans forward. His eyes look glassy.

“(Y/n)..” His voice trails off before slowly continuing, “—how are you?”

You don’t notice his tone from the high you’re still feeling from the day so you beam at him, “I’m good! Atsumu and I are really hitting it off! You’d love him Tetsu!”

He stares at you through the webcam and then he sighs deep. Finally catching a drift of the atmosphere he’s giving off, you watch him crack another beer open and slowly speak, “You okay? Did something happen?”

He sets the can down at the table in front of him and places his face in his hands. You notice the new ink around his forearms. “I miss you, (y/n).”

“I’ll be home next week, Tetsu,” you say

“I—“ he pauses to look up at you with glassy eyes, “I think we should give us a try.”

Your heart clenches. “Tetsurou, you’re drunk. We can talk when I get home.” He shakes his head, and his movement is a little sluggish, so you continue to speak before he could, “I saw the photo your ex posted earlier. You’re still not okay, Tetsu.”

He leans back to his chair with a little force, “And suddenly you are? After being in love with me for eight years, (y/n), you expect me to believe that you’re suddenly okay? Bullshit.”

Your face grimaces, and you feel anger bubble up, the emotion seeping into your words, “I don’t think you’re ever going to go away, Tetsurou. For years I watched you fall in and out of love with someone who was never me. I’m not suddenly okay but I accepted that this—“ you pause to gesture between the two of you, “—isn’t going to happen and I’m moving on. I watched you when you were at your happiest and I deserve that too, Tetsu. I deserve to be at my happiest whether it be by myself or with Atsu-“

“We can try, (y/n),” he cuts you off softly.

“But I don’t deserve someone who isn’t sure about me,” you reply.

And maybe it’s the liquid confidence that riles him up, but he suddenly straightens his back and looks at you with the same glare you stare at him with, “And are you sure about Atsumu? You told me none of us are saints, (y/n), you’re not better off than I am here.”

You open your mouth, but the silence remains; the atmosphere suddenly heavy.

Then Tetsurou slumps before he he speaks, “(Y/n), I—“  

“It’s okay, Kuroo,” you watch as he winces at his surname, “It’s late and I really want to get some sleep. You should too. Take care.”

You catch the last second of him parting his lips at an attempt to reply before you promptly ended the call and shut off your laptop.

His words ring in your ear the entire night, and you think of Atsumu the entire night. You watch the second hand of the clock on your bedside table tick slowly. Your hand comes to rest against your eyes as you try to let sleep pull you in.

You think of Tetsurou who looked at you with glassy eyes that told you all the reasons why his heart was still hurting, then you think of Atsumu—of how the sunset looked better reflected in his eyes than it did painted across the sky.

“I really hope this is something good,” you echo your words from earlier as you let sleep finally succumb into slumber.

-

The night before your flight, Atsumu seats you outside for a bonfire, with the same blankets, snacks, and hoodie fitted around you. The first few hours he jokes about little stories that happened throughout his life and listens patiently when you’d share a snippet of yours.

At this point, you weren’t sure where the two of you stood. You look at him from the corner of your eye as he blows against an extremely burnt marshmallow before sheepishly offering the stick to you.

“When we’re back in Japan I’m lettin’ ya taste ‘Samu’s cookin’ to make up for this I swear.”

You lean your head against his arm and blow on the charred marshmallow, “Have you decided when you’re coming back?”

“Yes, but I’m not tellin ya,” Atsumu chuckles.

“What!” You exclaim, suddenly sitting up, “You already have a ticket?”

“That’s also a secret, doll.”

You sigh and move to lightly punch his shoulder, but instead, he catches your hand midway and envelops it in his own. Atsumu looks at the tattoo on your wrist peeking out, so tentatively, he pushes down the sleeve and looks at it.

“Baby’s breath means eternal love, right?” he asks, voice hushed.

“I’m surprised a big, buff, man like you knows,” you reply.

“Oi, big buff men can be sentimental too,” Atsumu quips.

“(Y/n),” he begins then looks at you in a way that suddenly has your stomach churning, “Should we give us a go at this?”

He asks the same question as Tetsurou did a few nights back and your head is swimming. Tetsurou’s words muddle the thoughts in your head as you turn to face Atsumu who is looking at you with eyes that always held the same softness that remained unchanged from two months ago.

Is this even fair for Atsumu? is the thought that you circle around.

“I don’t want to give you only half of me, ‘Tsumu,” you cradle his cheek in your palm and your heart stirs when he leans in. 

“You’re too good for me,” you confess.

He closes his eyes and you find yourself missing the dancing specks of scarlet flames reflected in his orbs. 

“You’re killin’ me, doll,” he sighs, his face still warm against your palm. Atsumu’s hand trails up and cups your hand that’s still flush against his cheek.

“Is this the part where we say we’re the right people who met at the wrong time?” he jokes quietly. Atsumu looks at you with a smile contrasting against the somber expression in his face, and you feel your heart clench.

Your thoughts momentarily flicker back to the night you talked to Tetsurou in your balcony some months ago and remember the feeling of déjà vu hinting that you were heading in the right direction with your decision.

Staring back at him, you look at your own reflection in darkened pools of brown and don’t feel déjà vu’s familiar push. Atsumu’s other hand trails up your face and his thumb rubs against your cheek. You stay silent when he sighs again and your heart clenches in the way that hurts, and your brain scrambles for a reason why.

Atsumu angles your hand in a way that lets him press a kiss to the tattoo on your wrist. “Hope ya heal in time, (y/n).”

You’re still quiet, thoughts still muddled as your rationality wrestles to string words to convey to Atsumu. “We can stay in contact, ‘Tsumu. I still want you to be in my life,” you slowly say.

“I don’t wanna be hurtin’ you while you’re still tryin’ to find yourself,” he says, and you nod. Déjà vu never comes and your heart still aches.

And your heart remains heavy as the two of you stand up to retreat for the night. Against the door of your room you look at him and press a kiss on his cheek. He smiles at you.

“Well, I guess,” you initiate, “see you around?”

He smiles and crosses the short distance between the two of you, then presses a chaste kiss on your forehead. “If the universe wills it, doll.”

The feeling of déjà vu is absent for the rest of the night.

-

After the first few days of your arrival back in Japan, you stay in your apartment cursing the winter. This particular winter was a little harsh for Tokyo and the sudden temperature change you needed to adjust to didn’t help with your traitor immune system. Kenma had waited for you at the arrival area of the airport instead of Tetsurou that day. Then again, you weren’t complaining—you didn’t have any plans to talk to him immediately after coming back home.

You didn’t need to report back to your job until the next week so the first few days, you loitered around your apartment mindlessly passing the time. Some mornings, you’d drag a chair by the balcony and sip your morning coffee. The snow accumulating on the rails and the gloomy morning light was a far cry from the little island you explored with Atsumu back in the Philippines, but your thoughts still ghosted around him from time to time.

The morning you left for the airport, he slept in, but that didn’t stop you from leaving a sticky note in his front door with your contact details neatly printed in the paper. Throughout your day, your eyes constantly flickered to sneak glimpses at your phone’s notification bar, but there was never an unknown number. So you sighed, and instead scrolled through the photos you managed to capture with him. The image of Atsumu stared back at you through the screen, expression beaming with unfiltered happiness and you find yourself smiling along every time.

A knock on your door one morning brings you out of your haze. Before you could look through the peep hole, another knock comes and then a voice, “Ah, (y/n), I think you’re home now,” your hand on the door knob loosens, “It’s Tetsurou. Can we please talk?”

You must have stayed quiet too long because he speaks again, “I got you donuts.” 

And you sigh, because he’s right, the two of you need to talk. But you still tell yourself you’re only opening the door because it’s six in the morning and you can’t be bothered to make breakfast so the donuts are the only reason you’re letting him in.

-

Tetsurou sits on the opposite side of the dining table gripping the handle of his mug with one hand before he clears his throat and looks at you, “I’m sorry.”

“Tetsurou,” you begin, “You’re someone that I don’t think will ever leave my system.” His eyes are a little clearer now that you return his stare. “You’re still the person who grew up with me even if time difference existed you know. You’ve had so many roles in my life and that’s never going to change.”

He looks at you, suddenly looking like a teenager again. His golden eyes stare at you and gleam of something unspoken. “I think somewhere along the years I really did fall in love with you, (y/n). And it just sucks how we never met at the same page. I really do love you, (y/n).”

“Maybe in the next life, Tetsu,” you say suddenly choked up. “We both deserve-“

“A fresh start.” He cuts you off, smiling. “A fresh start.” You affirm.

Before you knew it, Tetsurou rolls his sleeve to his elbows and angles his arm showing you a small outline of the sun peeking out behind some buildings. You look at him just in time for his explanation, “It’s not as sentimental as your baby’s breath tattoo, but sunrises remind me of you.”

You feel your eyes water when you look at the amber of his eyes growing glassier, “You got a tattoo that reminds you of me?”

“You’ve always been a constant in my life, (y/n). I shared so many sunrises with you. And I mean it when I say that I want you to find what makes you happy.” He tells you as you smile and lean forward, tracing the lining of his tattoo. The moment feels a little like déjà vu that doesn’t disappear when Tetsurou speaking again, “I love you enough to realize that kind of happiness won’t be with me, (y/n).”

He looks at you and everything feels so familiar. You choke out a sob that sounded a little like a laugh and Tetsurou does the same.

“You’re never getting rid of me, you lunatic,” you say, and Tetsurou laughs—eyes glassy from the pricks of tears fighting to slide down his cheeks. “We’re okay, right?” He asks you. And you nod, because your heart constricts in a way that doesn’t hurt, the knot in your stomach gone and Tetsurou looking so beautiful from the morning light that filtered in feels so familiar.

“Always, Tetsu.”

And after some moments of comfortable silence, he looks to the window on his left saying, “So, surfer dude slash volleyball player, huh? I think you got a type going on, (y/n).”

You roll your eyes and finally grab a donut from the box. “Yeah.”

Tetsurou chuckles, “Tell me about him. He’s the first guy who makes you look dopey in love.” So you smile and look out the window thinking about the boy who spoke of the little moments and showed you worlds under the sun and feel your heart mellow to a gentle beat, “He’s something good.”

-

Atsumu’s number doesn’t show up on your phone for the next month, but you try to keep yourself from doing your own research, or as Tetsurou pointed out, stalking, for his presence in social media. If he didn’t want to be found, you’d just leave him to it.

Tetsurou sits across from you at the arrival gate in Haneda airport later that month, scrolling through his phone and mumbling curses because Bokuto, his friend, had told him the wrong time for his arrival and won’t be arriving until a few hours later. Instead of driving back home, wasting gas, and sitting through traffic, you suggest to pass the time at a café instead.

“I swear to god, (y/n), remind me to end my friendship with him the second he lands,” Tetsurou huffs from across you.

“You’re being dramatic again,” You roll your eyes, laughing. 

“He’s gonna be here in a bit,” you pause and stand up, grabbing your phone, “I’ll go check the board so stay here.”

“Since you left your wallet here, I’m treating myself to another frapp, thanks (y/n)!” you hear him call from behind you, so you turn to flick him off as you keep walking.

-

Looking at the board above the gate, your eyes scan to look for information regarding Bokuto’s flight. Under said flight, you smile looking at SIARGAO listed within the board. Briefly, your thought wonders off to Atsumu; you hoped he was doing well.

A flow of people begin to trail out of the gate and into the lobby. Assuming that it must be from Bokuto’s flight, you stand on your tip toes from your little corner to look for the telltale monochromatic palette of his hair.

Grabbing your phone, you hastily press call to Tetsurou’s contact name, to which he answers with a drawled out “Heeelllloo?” along with an exaggerated slurp to the Frappuccino he bought with your card.

You open your mouth to tell him to come over, except that you don’t because standing a few meters in front of you is a familiar blonde.

From the phone in your ear, you hear Tetsurou call your name, so through the haze in your thoughts, you mumble a quick “Never mind.” and hang up. You don’t think Atsumu notices you just yet because he’s pulled his luggage to the side, a little closer to you this time, and pulled out his phone to what you could guess was him texting somebody.

You don’t speak for the first few beats of silence because, holy shit this is fanfiction material—is this actually happening? Eventually he pockets his phone and looks around, before his eyes spots you, who at this point, is still openly gawking at him some distance away.

Then three things happen in succession; first, Atsumu’s eyes widen, second, he blinks really fast, and then finally, third, cracks a smile.

And as soon as his smile pushes the crinkle in his eyes, you feel yourself release the breath you’ve unconsciously held in. He pushes his luggage with him as he walks towards you, hand held up in greeting and the smile still plastered wide on his face.

“Yo,” he says and your heart bursts with your reply that came out a little more breathless than you’d expected, “Hi.”

-

Tetsurou stands some distance away from the two of you, holding your wallet and his Frappuccino. He spots the blonde mop of head you’re staring at, really you should chill out (he thinks), and immediately recognizes his features as Miya Atsumu, the same guy who’s been a part of your daily margarita selfie for the two months you were in the Philippines.

The bedhead watches you walk towards Atsumu, and he to you before you both met somewhat in the middle, then looks at you, finding himself smile because of how happy you looked. He stands in his spot and can’t help but feel some sort of déjà vu as he stops himself from approaching the two of you. His heart, he realizes, clenches in a way that sort of hurts but sort of doesn’t, but because this is the first time looking at you with a smile so unabashed, he settles with the thought that because he loves you—you deserve nothing short of the happiness you’re feeling now.

And you can’t help but feel the same as Atsumu laughs out a comment about how the universe must really want the two of you together. His arms circle your figure after exchanging a few pleasantries and inside jokes and you smile into the crook of his neck.

“This feels a little like that déjà vu thing ya talked about before, ya know.” He mumbles. And for the brief moment you see Tetsurou’s text on the screen of your phone reading, “whipped.”, you laugh in a way that has you feeling dizzy and light. You feel like you could cry when Atsumu kisses the side of your head, because this moment feels so familiar.

Atsumu feels so familiar. So when you break the embrace and look at the reflection of your watering eyes in the warm pools of his, more than ever, you were sure that this is exactly where the gods meant for you to be.

-

a/n: *i’m aware there’s no direct flight from haneda/siargao but pls bear w me ;A;

proceed to Epilogue :D

[rpgsandbox]

In 2014, Magpie Games launched a Kickstarter for Urban Shadows, an ENnie award-winning tabletop roleplaying game of political urban fantasy that quickly became one of our flagship titles. For years, fans have praised both the game’s effortless explanation of the Powered by the Apocalypse engine and the groundbreaking content on race and urban communities, leading Urban Shadows to be a favorite of urban fantasy gamers, podcasters, and streamers alike.

Now—more than six years later—we are returning to the dark streets of the city for Urban Shadows: Second Edition, updating the game’s rules, look, and tools to better support moving stories of political urban fantasy. Featuring new playbooks, new faction mechanics, and completely revised materials from first edition, Urban Shadows 2E will thrust you into the danger and drama of the city like never before!

                      Download the Urban Shadows Quickstart here

Urban Shadows is a political urban fantasy tabletop roleplaying game in which mortals and supernaturals alike vie for power in a modern-day city. Vampires, faeries, hunters, wizards, and more clash in the shadows...or make backroom deals for their piece of the streets and skyscrapers. No one is ever safe, and everything is always at stake.

In Urban Shadows, you play unique and powerful archetypes, protagonists who are attuned to the supernatural world. While the mortal world remains ignorant of the struggles of the city’s supernatural denizens, you are caught in the middle of the physical conflicts and political drama of the city’s past, present, and future.

You might be a spectre bound to an artifact, unable to move on until you’ve resolved your trauma. Or you might be a clever vampire who controls the best blood supply in the city, caught up in a war between your kind and those who hunt you. Or you might be a veteran of your city’s ancient conflicts, someone who got out of the game but keeps getting drawn back in by friends and allies.

No matter who you are, you contain within you the power to shape the city’s destiny. What future will you choose? And what will your victories cost you?

Urban Shadows is based on the Powered by the Apocalypse system used by tabletop RPGs like Apocalypse World, Dungeon World, and many of Magpie Games’s own titles such as Masks: A New Generation, Root: The RPG, and Zombie World. The game uses the core framework of that system to provide a strong, simple way to create your own stories of political urban fantasy. You’ll create a character using one of several archetypes, and then you’ll take action, rolling two six-sided dice to resolve the outcomes of dangerous and difficult situations.

Urban Shadows creates stories like those you’d find in Constantine, Diableros, The Dresden Files, The John Wick franchise, The Last Witchhunter, Lost Girl, and The Wire.

In Urban Shadows, the city is a living, breathing character all its own. It hides dark desires, wicked deeds, and devious schemes, its shadowy tendrils a danger to mortals and supernaturals alike. Some residents have sacred sanctums or secure workshops—places to weather the storms of the city—but a sprawling metropolis lies just outside those little nooks, caring little if you prosper…or bleed out in the gutters.

But nobody faces the city alone. Even the humblest of imps has a small community, a circle of those who can offer solace in the face of problems and danger. But community is a double-edged sword—demanding as much as it gives—and the needs and desires of those same circles constantly shape and reshape the vibrant urban landscape of the city. Nothing lasts forever, but the city turns over nearly every night, different forces laying different claims to you and yours.

The city hungers. Will you sate its gnawing desires? Or will your enemies make you the feast?

The schemes and plots of supernatural beings have been a part of the city for as long as anyone can remember. The faces at the top may shift and change with the tides of fortune, but rarely does something occur in the mortal world without some push from those who lurk in the shadows. A new subway system? A contested election? A bank robbery? Nothing is what it seems.

But what is mere money or prestige to wizards, ghosts, and faeries? Who cares about cash or elections when trafficking in human souls or exploring other dimensions? The supernatural forces of the city—and the mortals who deal with them—know only one real currency: debt.

Debt is the power to influence those who owe you, the chits you call in to get things done, the ties that bind you to the rest of the city, and the proof that your word is strong and your bonds unbreakable. There are few true friends in the city, but your debtors always want to see you survive—you can’t pay up if you’re dead.

But there are other ways to triumph in the city beyond the economy of favors and patronage. Cruel rituals. Dark secrets. The temptations of the monster within you. Those who seek power at any cost will find no end to the magics and mysteries available for the merest price of a soul.

The streets bleed shadows—your debtors always around the corner—as the city threatens to swallow you whole. Will you die a hero… or live long enough to become the villain? Will you fight the darkness…or beg for power? The choice is yours.

Over the past five years, Magpie Games has developed and created multiple games that broke boundaries and redefined what PbtA can do. Now, we think it’s time to apply the lessons we’ve learned to Urban Shadows, making a game that’s tighter and easier to run, but also filled with new ideas and improvements, including new tools for players and GMs. We’re also excited to create a beautiful new book with visionary art and fantastic graphic design. In short… we’re making Urban Shadows 2E because we’re thrilled to revisit and refine our work!

Here’s a quick list of the major changes, many of which are already available in the quickstart:

revised basic moves, including new versions of turn to violence and let it out

revised playbooks, including rebuilt versions of The Hunter and The Oracle

two brand new playbooks: The Sworn (Power) and The Imp (Wild)

changing Factions to Circles—see below—and adding Circle Status to represent standing

a new downtime phase of the game focused on player-facing city moves and rumors

replacing Storms with a new MC-facing faction turn, including new faction moves

expanded MC tools for generating your city and Circles at the start of play

We’re also adding a new mechanic to bring PCs into contact more often with each other: City Hubs. Cities are enormous spaces, and we found (in US1E) player characters could sometimes retreat to their different corners of the cityscape, interacting only with their own worlds and not with each other. With City Hubs, we want to create smaller, expandable environments to focus play and create drama. These Hubs—described below—position characters in neighborhoods, institutions, and community spaces in which they interact more frequently and avoid sessions in which PCs rarely come into contact and conflict.

Download the quickstart for a chance to test out some of these new features! We’ll be previewing more of them during the campaign, and we’re excited to get your feedback and refine Urban Shadows even more. Thank you to everyone who has given us feedback on 1st Edition since 2015!

In Urban Shadows, your characters juggle relationships and obligations, seeking allies and opportunities, cashing in debts along the way to get things done. When you seize the day, you reshape the city in your image and unleash your powers on those who stand against you; when your enemies move and hunt, you do your best to stay ahead of the oncoming storm.

Urban Shadows uses the Powered by the Apocalypse framework to resolve interesting moments of uncertainty through moves, bits of mechanics that say: “When you do [x], [y] happens.” Each move trigger—the “When you do [x]” part—is designed to help point at moments of uncertainty, when neither the players nor the GM know exactly what happens next. Some examples of such moments include:

When you throw a punch at a loudmouthed werewolf in a demonic club

When you plead with the wizard’s council to return a tome of magic stolen from you

When you try to escape the evil ritual you stumbled onto in the city’s sewers

When you ask one of your companions to forgive the debt your fae lover owes them

When you trigger a move—when you perform the action described in the move’s trigger—then the rest of the move kicks into effect, often requiring a die roll. You roll 2d6 (two six-sided dice) and add in one of your stats to find out what happens.

Every playbook has four stats:

Blood is the measure of your fight or flight instincts. It tells us how tough, dangerous, coiled, and quick to act your character is in a perilous situation.

Heart is the sum of your passion, charm, and charisma. It tells us how proficient your character is at getting what they want through negotiation and persuasion.

Mind is a reflection of your critical thinking and analysis. It tells us how perceptive your character can be and how good they are at manipulating others through deceit.

Spirit is a gauge of your connection to the “other” and your force of will. It tells us how focused your character is under pressure and what kind of power they can unleash.

Each stat is ranked from -3 to +3. You add your stat to some rolls when you trigger certain moves. For example, when you turn to violence, you roll 2d6 + Blood.

On most moves, if you get a 10 or higher (10+), things go your way! If you get a 7-9, you get what you were after, but usually with some cost or complication. If you get a 6 or lower, that’s called a miss, and the GM gets to tell you what happens next as things spiral out of control.

Urban Shadows has basic moves for all the usual conflicts in urban fantasy—fighting, lying, escaping, magic, and more—along with special moves for managing debts and your relationships with communities at large.  

The city is a fierce cesspool of politics and corruption, but there are clear connections and boundaries between like-minded residents, spheres of influence that make up the scope of politics within the city. Most call these divisions Circles, loose political groupings that illustrate the differing affiliations and loyalties in the world, each one a community with its own internal politics and dramas. The Circles are:

In addition to the main stats, each character also has ratings (from -3 to +3) for their Circles, measures of how well the character understands each specific community. A character with a high rating in a Circle has contacts and connections within it, and can easily interpret its political information; a character with a low rating in a Circle doesn’t understand how that Circle works or who the power players are within that community.

Circles aren’t organizations or formal alliances; they are more like broad communities or subcultures. The disagreement between two members of the same Circle may be as—or more—intense than any conflict between two differing spheres. A werewolf and a vampire both hail from Night, but that doesn’t mean they get along. It only means they understand each other...and the violence inherent in the language of their streets.

Yet there are factions within each Circle capable of acting in unison, alliances who can shape the city’s future—werewolf packs, witch covens, faerie courts, and more. In Urban Shadows: Second Edition, we’re giving GMs new tools to support those factions in a “faction turn” between sessions. We’re also giving players new tools to get stuff done in downtime, acting on the rumors they heard about what the factions have done in the past week or two of offscreen activity, all fueling the drama of the city and the power players have to shape the setting.

Urban Shadows uses archetypes (The Wolf, The Wizard, The Oracle, etc.) to help players create characters quickly and easily. These archetypes are only ever a starting point; you can always bring in different myths, legends, and ideas to make your character entirely your own.

Characters often acquire abilities and powers from other archetypes and may even change archetypes over the course of play. As your character advances, you may also find reasons to retire to safety, securing that character’s place in the city as you create a new character to continue your group's story.  

Absolute power...corrupts absolutely. Urban Shadows features a dynamic corruption mechanic, tracking your character's descent into darkness. When you take a life, give in to your monstrous nature, or cross a line you shouldn't cross, you mark corruption. As you gain corruption, you unlock new and potent powers, allowing your character to get what they want—at the cost of further corruption. The dark side of your nature bears productive fruit.

Power is never free, though. Cross the line too often and you lose your character to the darkness, handing them over to the GM for them to play as a threat. Corruption is a downward spiral threatening to push you over the edge, and not everyone is cut out to make it back from the brink. As your character gains new abilities fueled by the growing darkness within, you face a difficult choice: will you give up what you've gained to save yourself?

Corruption also encourages you to play to your archetype. Each archetype contains unique boundaries and taboos that define when you mark corruption. Life is always sacred, but werewolves, mages, and faeries all face unique temptations while stalking the city's streets.

Cities are giant, complex networks of interconnected communities caught in an almost constant state of change. In order to focus your characters’ conflicts and provide reasons for the players to consistently play together across those spaces, Urban Shadows 2E uses City Hubs—dynamic sections of urban life that frame the story you’re telling together without cutting you off from the rest of the city’s potential.

A City Hub isn’t just a physical district or area of your city. Instead, each Hub is a collection of institutions, relationships, and anchors—important NPCs—that create a background for the action in your story. Even better, Hubs can be added over the length of a campaign, expanding the city with new locations, conflicts, and NPCs as your story progresses.

Urban Shadows 2E features four City Hubs, each dominated by one of the four Circles:

City Hall (Mortalis)

Downtown (Night)

The University (Power)

The Arts District (Wild)

Perhaps your Tainted is a student at the local university, the same campus that lies within the Wolf’s territory...and the same institution at which the Wizard recently started working as a professor. Or maybe your Oracle has an occult bookstore downtown in the same office building in which the Sworn is regularly summoned to meet with the wizard’s council, just down the street from the family restaurant in which the Aware still waits tables.

Hubs are also a flexible tool for structuring your campaign as a whole. You can use two different Hubs set in the same city for different campaigns, you can grab elements from any Hub to use as inspiration for your campaign, or you can expand your campaign to include new Hubs as your city grows. We’ll release new Hubs through this campaign as stretch goals and as digital supplements after the Kickstarter.

Kickstarter campaign ends: Thu, November 19 2020 9:00 PM UTC +00:00

Website: [Magpie Games] [facebook] [twitter]

[undertheinfluencerd]

https://ift.tt/3l39LwX #

Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy redefined the superhero genre and the summer blockbuster. The three films provided audiences with a sense of escapism unlike anything they had seen before, thanks to its heart-pounding action scenes and collection of beloved characters.

RELATED: Spider-Man Villains Ranked Least-Most Likely To Win The Hunger Games

Peter Parker, his friends, and his foes all got many chances to show off their abilities on the big screen. Indeed, the trilogy’s characters star in some of cinema’s most unforgettable moments. From upside-down kisses in the rain to heartfelt monologues about the responsibilities of a hero, Sam Raimi’s trilogy has plenty of scenes that rank as some of the most memorable in cinematic history.

10 Eddie Becomes Venom

To say that Topher Grace’s depiction of Venom is unpopular would be an understatement. In fact, most fans agree he was one of the things Spider-Man 3 got wrong. That doesn’t mean his character didn’t have some thrilling moments on-screen, though.

Eddie’s most memorable scene in the movie is his transformation into Venom. As Peter gets rid of the symbiote while in a belltower, the alien falls and lands on Eddie, quickly overtaking him. A killer soundtrack and fittingly gloomy atmosphere accompany the transformation. And even if Eddie ended up being an underwhelming villain, his conversion into Venom is definitely memorable.

9 Flint’s Confession

Every fan knows that Spider-Man 3 has way too many villains. None have enough room to shine or prove themselves as worthy heirs to Goblin and Ock’s legacies, but they still get some redeeming moments. In Sandman’s case, it’s his final monologue to Peter, where he confesses his guilt about the part he played in Uncle Ben’s death.

Enhanced by Thomas Haden Church’s performance, the scene succeeds in providing some much-needed closure for Peter. Sandman is less a villain and more a tragic figure of circumstance, and his confession to Peter confirms it.

8 Goblin’s First Flight

Willem Dafoe redefined what it means to be a comic book villain. His take on the Green Goblin is the perfect mix of over-the-top and seriousness, adding a sense of gravitas that overcomes the more cartoonish aspects of the role.

The character has plenty of memorable moments in the first Spider-Man movie. However, his initial confrontation against Spider-Man during the World Unity Fair will go down in cinematic history as one of the best action scenes of all time. It is fast-paced and thrilling, wasting not a single moment of its four-minute length. The Goblin gives an impressive display of his powers, proving that he will always be Spider-Man’s best villain.

7 Otto Octavius’s Sacrifice

Sam Raimi’s first two Spider-Man films succeeded because of how much they fleshed out the villains. They weren’t just CGI creations trying to take over the world, but three-dimensional characters with ambitions and limitations of their own. Spider-Man 2‘s Otto Octavius is one of the genre’s most compelling villains, one who succeeds in winning the audience’s sympathy while remaining a fearsome threat.

RELATED: 10 Things Only Comic Book Fans Know About Doctor Octopus

During Ock’s final moments, he sees the error of his ways and decides to go down with his creation. Proclaiming he will “not die a monster,” Octavius sacrifices for the greater good. Thanks to Alfred Molina’s committed performance, the moment is one of the trilogy’s most memorable, cementing Octavius as one of the genre’s most complex characters.

6 J. Jonah Jameson Saves Peter Parker

J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson is the very definition of spot-on casting. The actor took an already well-known character and translated him into the screen seamlessly and faithfully. Throughout his tenure in the trilogy, he gets plenty of comical moments, but his most memorable is his protection of Peter Parker.

When the Green Goblin blasts into the Bugle’s offices, he threatens Jameson and asks for the name of the photographer who takes Spider-Man’s pictures. Jameson refuses to tell on Peter, telling the Goblin the reporter sends his stuff through the mail. The scene shows a new and unexpected side to JJ, a glance at the empathy he works so hard to hide.

5 Uncle Ben’s Lesson

Uncle Ben’s death is one of the defining moments in Peter Parker’s storyline. It’s the first of many (many) tragedies to happen to the character, inspiring him to become a hero in the first place. Sam Raimi provides enough room for Uncle Ben’s character to develop before arriving at the inevitable conclusion.

Cliff Robertson’s heartfelt monologue summarises the essence of Spider-Man. “With great power comes great responsibility” has become one of the most enduring phrases in pop culture, adding a more profound layer to Raimi’s trilogy. And while Uncle Ben has little screentime, his presence remains throughout the entire trilogy, thanks in large part to his now-immortal words.

4 Aunt May’s Advice

Rosemary Harris remains the most compelling and memorable cinematic Aunt May. She imbued the role with plenty of warmth and empathy, avoiding the one-dimensional approach of subsequent movies. Harris’ Aunt May wasn’t just another peripheral character; on the contrary, she was Peter’s anchor, a constant source of inspiration for both the boy and the hero.

Her role as Peter’s guide is blatantly clear during her monologue in Spider-Man 2. While she packs her things to move out from her house, she talks to Peter about the nature and importance of heroism. Her speech is the gentle push Peter needed to understand the true role of his superhero counterpart. It’s a sweet but unforgettable moment that confirms Aunt May’s importance in the friendly neighborhood Spidey’s life.

3 Goblin’s Last Flight

Throughout the Raimi trilogy, Harry Osborn suffers almost as many ups and downs as Peter himself. The loss of his father leaves him devastated and desperate to find someone to blame, leading to his descent into the Green Goblin persona. Alas, Harry was never his father, and he proves it at the last moment.

RELATED: 10 Most Powerful Variants Of Green Goblin In Marvel Comics

Sporting the Goblin costume, Harry goes to help Peter fight Venom and the Sandman. The two confirm their friendship, and Harry bravely dies fighting the enemies. Harry’s sacrifice continues the recurring theme in the trilogy that every victory comes with a steep price. It’s also a perfect send-off for the character and a way to restore the Osborn legacy.

2 Mary Jane’s Upside-Down Kiss

For all its strengths, the Raimi trilogy has one undeniable flaw, and that’s its treatment of Mary Jane Watson, Peter Parker’s main love interest in the comics and most movies. The character barely received any development beyond her damsel in distress role. Still, Mary Jane is a crucial figure in superhero movies; she defined the “superhero girlfriend” role for better and worse.

Out of all her moments in the trilogy, Mary Jane’s most memorable is her upside-down kiss in the rain with Spider-Man. It’s not only one of the most iconic scenes in modern cinema, but a perfect summary of MJ and Peter’s relationship. The setup may seem a tad outdated under a 2021 eye, but Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire’s chemistry is so electric that fans can let go of the more dubious elements of the scene and enjoy the romantic aspect.

1 Spider-Man Stops A Train

Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man remains as beloved now as he was back then. His take on Peter Parker gained new life thanks to the internet; indeed, Maguire’s Spidey is the king of memes, from Bully Maguire to the now-iconic “I missed the part where that’s my problem.”

However, this Spider-Man remains a blueprint for cinematic superheroes, thanks to his many heroic moments on screen. None is more memorable or inspiring than his efforts to stop a speeding train in Spider-Man 2. The scene works not only as an action setpiece but as a demonstration of Peter’s strongest power: his perseverance. Peter will never stop trying, even if all the odds are against him. Spider-Man is so relatable because he makes multiple mistakes and spends his time trying to fix them. But the point is, he will always try, and the train scene is the perfect representation of Spider-Man’s essence.

NEXT: 10 Unpopular Opinions About The Sam Raimi Spider-Man Movies (According To Reddit)

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The post Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man Trilogy: Each Main Character’s Most Iconic Scene appeared first on undertheinfluencerd.net.

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[scoundrels-in-love]

5 and 13! x

@clockworkswans Super late, so a tag in case you miss the response! Thank you so much for asking!

5. : K-Drama OTP(s)?

This is kind of funny because if I think about it, I love kdramas, but I don’t think I am person who typically gets all crazy about couple themselves, isolated from the story, or just... IDK, it’s hard to explain. But that aside, I do have an OTP!

Gang Doo and Moon Soo from Just Between Lovers. Will never not love them. My sweet, sweet traumatized babies that grew so much, together and individually. They nailed that sweet, sweet spot of ‘sort of enemies to friends to lovers’, starting from the kind of wrong foot and then discovering each other - and themselves - layer by layer. Brb I am getting emotional and need to clutch my chest for 5 minutes.

Some other couples I enjoyed.

Both couples in Goblin. While my feelings about some aspects of it all have gotten a lot more ambivalent over the years, I do have to be honest to the part of myself that loves them still rather unconditionally. There was something tragic and beautiful and trying to do right by each other, in the end, that really stuck with me.

Both couples of Run On. Seun Gyeom and Mi Joo make me feel all warm and happy and honestly, I don’t know if I want to date either of them or be either of them, so that’s that.

Although I am prepared to be let down by resolution of Dan Ah’s sexuality storyline resolution, I am still absolutely invested in everything that she and Yeong Hwa got going on. The tension, the redefining of dynamics and power balance, the way he makes her smile and she sees to the heart of his paintings, the way he just wants to get pegged so bad but won’t let her walk all over him as a person and an artist... Sexy.

Dan Oh and Haru from Extraordinary You. It’s not any sort of life-consuming love for them as a romantic couple, but it’s hard to not to root for them as they face so much together and come through kinder, stronger and more in love. I only want what’s best for them and, really, who wouldn’t?

Bok Joo and Joon Hyung from Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo. Although I don’t think Joon Hyung is precious bean that can’t do any wrong (there were moments he was kind of a dick, even if it worked in comedic way), their relationship overall developed sweetly and endearingly and I definitely genuinely rooted for them and found them adorable. Also, it was my first kdrama, so they get shoutout for that. If they didn’t sell me on kdramas and kdrama romance, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.

+ Bonus

Not a kdrama, but Kurodachi from Cherry Magic is definitely got me more emotionally invested than most kdrama couples than I’ve seen. They had their messups, but overall, they were earnest and sweet, and so absolutely adorable and there wasn’t one moment where I would feel like I couldn’t absolutely root for them as individuals and as a couple.

++ Bonus 2: electric boogaloo Se Ra and Gong Myung from Into the Ring could very well end up here when I have watched more than 3 eps and skipped ahead a bit, because one single post credit scene made me feel more mushy feelings about their budding romance than many epic couples or famous dramas. Also, I adore their ‘I hate your guts’ to ‘I can respect that’ to ‘I would literally do the impossible for you’ journey for I am a simple bitch.

13: Top five K-Dramas?

*groans* It’s such a hard question. I hate ranking things. So I will only rank my favorite and the rest will be a random ass mess and I don’t know if I will stop at 5. This is my blog, I alter the rules as I please. *distressed noises*

1. Just Between Lovers. I’ve not been shy about loving this drama. I could ramble and ramble about it, but to preserve everyone involved, I will just say it’s, to me, the perfect ensemble story of gradual healing and overcoming trauma as found family. It hits like a freight train, but somehow you are put back together better than before. It’s sweet, it’s tragic, it’s funny in places and it’s comforting in this one big package. It’s embedded itself in part of my heart, a promise and understanding all at once. ‘Maybe it’s not the time, yet, but you will heal. I believe in you.’ And it makes me want to believe it, too.

It’s Okay, That’s Love. I don’t know how this would hold up, if I watched it now, and I am not saying it was perfect every step along the way, but in the end, it made me cry and it made me hopeful all at once, it comforted me in times when I really needed those exact words spoken to me and there was something so lovely about this found family.

Run On is tentatively on the list, because they might still absolutely tank it in the last 6 episodes, but I really want to believe they won’t, despite my previously mentioned lack of faith in quality wrap-up of a storyline. But even so, what it has already given to me, won’t lose its meaning if that happens. (Hah, do you get that convoluted reference?) And what it has given me is comforting, soft, character-driven story with cast full with compelling characters, many different friendships and a world that feels alive with many tiny details, yet not bloated. It’s story of healing and communication, a glimpse into profession I used to dream about, it makes me want to think about who I want to be as a person and believe just a little I could become them.

Goblin. Again, more ambivalent about it these days, but I can’t deny the power it had on me back when I watched it, from cinematography to use of OSTs which still remain some of my all time favorites, to the relationships between the four leads and the found family of it all. (Are we sensing a pattern here?)

To. Jenny It revealed the meaning of comfort show to me. It’s short and sweet and, in some ways, absolute musical nonsense. It injects seratonin directly into my brain and I have rewatched it like 4 or 5 times which is genuinely a record for me.

+ Bonus Cherry Magic. Sort of same as with To. Jenny, this is probably be going to be my comfort show if I ever get over the cringe of my failed fanfic attempt that haunts me three weeks later like some kind of disfigured ghoul. The show itself just makes me feel things which isn’t that easy to do.

Send me a kdrama ask?<3

[rfield87]

Writing Advice from Best-Selling Authors: Stephen King

fine

This week’s re-blog is one that was written by Lauren Passell, and is titled: Stephen King’s Top 20 Rules for Writers. It was published on March 22, 2013. If you would like to read the blog on the Barnes & Noble website where I found it, I will leave the link below. 

(When I was re-writing this blog I found some typo errors and corrected them as I went along. It must be the editor in me.)

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/stephen-kings-top-20-rules-for-writers/

                         Stephen King’s Top 20 Rules for Writers

Stephen King’s books have sold over 350 million copies. Like them or loathe them, you have to admit that’s impressive. King’s manual On Writing reveals that he’s relentlessly dedicated to his craft. He admits that not even The King himself always sticks to his rules - but trying to follow them is a good start. Here are our favorite pieces of advice for aspiring writers:

1. First write for yourself, and then worry about the audience. “When you write a story, you’re telling yourself the story. When you rewrite, your main job is taking out the things that are not the story. Your stuff starts out being just for you, but then it goes out.

2. Don’t use passive voice. “Timid writers like passive verbs for the same reason that timid lovers like passive partners. The passive voice is safe. The timid fellow writes “The meeting will be held at seven o’clock” because that somehow says to him, ‘Put it this way and people will believe you really know.’ Purge this quisling thought! Don’t be a muggle! Throw back your shoulders, stick out your chin, and put that meeting in charge! Write ‘The meeting’s at seven.’ There, by God! Don’t you feel better?”

3. Avoid adverbs. “The adverbs is not your friend. Consider the sentence “He closed the door firmly.” It’s by no means a terrible sentence, but ask yourself if ‘firmly’ really has to be there. What about context? What about the enlightening (not to say emotionally moving) prose which came before ‘He closed the door firmly’? Shouldn’t this tell us how he closed the door? And if the foregoing prose does tell us, then isn’t ‘firmly’ an extra word? Isn’t it redundant?”

4, Avoid adverbs, especially after “he said” and “she said.” “While to write adverbs is human, to write ‘he said’ or ‘she said’ is divine.”

5. But don’t obsess over perfect grammar. “Language does not always have to wear a tie and lace-up shoes. The object of fiction isn’t grammatical correctness but to make the reader welcome and then tell a story...to make him/her forget, whenever possible, that he/she is reading a story at all.”

6. The magic is in you. “I’m convinced that fear is at the root of most bad writing. Dumbo got airborne with the help of a magic feather; you may feel the urge to grasp a passive verb or one of those nasty adverbs for the same reason. Just remember before you do that Dumbo didn’t need the feather; the magic was in him.”

7. Read, read, read. “You have tor read widely, constantly refining (and redefining) your own work as you do so. If you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write.”

8. Don’t worry about making other people happy. “Reading at meals is considered rude in polite society, but if you expect to succeed as a writer, rudeness should be the second to least of your concerns. The least of all should be polite society and what it expects. If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered, anyway.”

9. Turn off the TV. “Most exercise facilities are now equipped with TVs, but TV - while working out or anywhere else - really is about the last thing an aspiring writer needs. If you feel you must have the news analyst blowhard on CNN while you exercise, or the stock market blowhards of MSNBC, or the sports blowhards of ESPN, it’s time for you to question how serious you really are about becoming a writer. You must be prepared to do some serious turning inward toward the life of the imagination, and that means, I’m afraid, the Geraldo, Keigh Oberman, and Jay Leno must go. Reading takes time, and the glass teat takes too much of it.”

10. You have three months. “The first draft of a book - even a long one - should take no more than three months, the length of a season.”

11. There are two secrets to success. “When asked for the ‘secret of my success’ (an absurd idea, that, but impossible to get away from), I sometimes say there are two: I stayed physically healthy, and I stayed married. It’s a good answer because it makes the question go away, and because there is an element of truth in it. The combination of a healthy body and a stable relationship with a self-reliant woman who takes zero shit from me or anyone else has made the continuity of my working life possible. And I believe the converse is also true: that my writing and the pleasure I take in it has contributed to the stability of my health and my home life.”

12. Write one word at a time. “A radio talk-show host asked me how I wrote. My reply - ‘One word at a time’ - seemingly left him without a reply. I think he was trying to decide whether or not I was joking. I wasn’t. In the end, it’s always that simple. Whether it’s vignette of a single page or an epic trilogy like ‘The Lord of the Rings,” the work is always accomplished one word at a time.”

13. Eliminate distraction. “There should be no telephone in your writing room, certainly no TV or videogames for you to fool around with. If there’s a window, draw the curtains or pull down the shades unless it looks out at a blank wall.”

14. Stick to your own style. “One cannot imitate a writer’s approach to a particular genre, no matter how simple what the writer is doing may seem. You can’t aim a book like a cruise missile, in other words. People who decide to make a fortune writing like John Grisham or Tom Clancy produce nothing but pale imitations, by and large, because vocabulary is not the same thing as feeling and plot is light years from the truth as it is understood by the mind and the heart.”

15. Dig. “When, during the course of an interview for The New Yorker, I told the interviewer (Mark Singer) that I believed stories are found things, like fossils in the ground, he said that he didn’t believe me. I replied that was fine, as long as he believed that I believed it. And I do. Stories aren’t souvenir tee-shirts or Game Boys. Stories are relics, part of an undiscovered pre-existing world. The writer’s job is to use the tools in his or her toolbox to get as much of each one out of the ground intact as possible. Sometimes the fossil you uncover is small; a seashell. Sometimes it’s enormous, a Tyrannosaurus Rex with all the gigantic ribs and grinning teeth. Either way, short story or thousand page whopper of a novel, the techniques of excavation remain basically the same.”

16. Take a break. “If you’ve never done it before, you’ll find reading your book over after a six-week layoff to be a strange, often exhilarating experience. It’s yours, you’ll recognize it as yours, even be able to remember what tune was on the stereo when you wrote certain lines, and yet it will also be like reading the work of someone else, a soul-twin, perhaps. This is the way it should be, the reason you waited. It’s always easier to kill someone else’s darlings than it is to kill your own.”

17. Leave out the boring parts and kill your darlings. “Mostly when I think of pacing, I go back to Elmore Leonard, who explained it so perfectly by saying he just left out the boring parts. This suggests cutting to speed the pace, and that’s what most of us end up having to do (kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings).”

18. The research shouldn’t overshadow the story. “If you do need to do research because parts of your story deal with things about which you know little or nothing, remember the word back. That’s where research belongs; as far in the background and the back story as you can get it. You may be entranced with what you’re learning about the flesh-eating bacteria, the sewer system of New York, or the I.Q. potential of collie pups, but your readers are probably going to care a lot more about your characters and your story.”

19. You become a better writer simply by reading and writing. “You don’t need writing classes or seminars any more than you need this or any other book on writing. Faulkner learned his trade while working in the Oxford, Mississippi post office. Other writers have learned the basics while serving in the Navy, working in steel mills or doing time in America’s finer crossbar hotels. I learned the most valuable (and commercial) part of my life’s work while washing motel sheets and restaurant tablecloths at the New Franklin Laundry in Bangor. You learn best by reading a lot and writing a lot, and the most valuable lessons of all are the ones you teach yourself.”

20. Writing is about getting happy. “Writing isn’t about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it’s about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It’s about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So, drink.”  

Which of these rules do you like best?

[rt8815]

OC Ask Game

I was tagged by the amazing @illegalcerebral

I put a Keep Reading link because this is looong.

1) Name (and why you chose it if you like) McKinley Campbell Durand. I named her after McKinley Morganfield, better known as Muddy Waters. However, the “in universe?” reason that will be given - which I haven’t written yet - is that McKinley and Campbell are family names from a few generations back.

Campbell comes from the Gaelic words for ‘crooked’ and ‘mouth.’ I just like the name. Here’s a post (that I had to rewrite because Tumblr’s a dick and wouldn’t let me edit the typos in the original. The rewrite had typos too! Blargh!) that discusses her first and last names. I thought it would be funny for her full name to consist solely of last names.

2) Fandom and how they fit into the story Criminal Minds. She works at a D.C. museum practically around the corner from the J. Edgar Hoover building (as indicated in “Let It Bleed”). That’s a tiny hint that it’s the National Museum of African American History & Culture, but I don’t think I’ll mention it very often, if for no other reason than I’ve never been to the NMAAHC and don’t want to describe it inaccurately.

The official story is that Spencer and McKinley met at the museum (again, in “Let It Bleed,” which is probably the least favorite thing of mine that I’ve written). However, they’d met once before, and texted a few times after that. Because my brain is all over the place, and because I’m telling the story in non-chronological order, I haven’t written their first meeting yet. The only details I’ve revealed thus far are that it was nighttime in a park, McKinley caught Spencer off guard and made him fall to the ground, and whatever they talked about set Spencer straight and lifted his spirits. Also, a swingset was involved. Beyond that, I’ve inserted McKinley into the plotlines and events of the show, with necessary alterations, and there’s a ton of domestic Spencer and off-duty team stuffs.

3) Do they have any family? Biological family: daughter Sophie and son Jason; her Mom (no name yet); maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins; and her estranged father (no name yet). Chosen/found family: husband Spencer; the BAU.

4) As a child, what did they want to be when they grew up? When she was a toddler, McKinley wanted to be a pediatrician (a doctor just for kids?! Cool!) or an ophthalmologist (she’s worn glasses practically her whole life). As an older child she aspired to be an entomologist or herpetologist. In her teenage years she considered a career in forensic pathology or criminal psychology. While earning her BA in English, she discovered that Public History was her true calling.

5) Their greatest dream To be a good Mom. To inspire learning in others.

6) Their worst nightmare Losing her family; having to see her father again.

7) Strengths Empathy, insight/self awareness, forgiving nature but knowing when to cut her losses

8) Weaknesses McKinley struggles with imposter syndrome.

She can be very mean. I mean, downright nasty cruel, verbally. This is rare though because, and I’m paraphrasing a future bit of dialogue here, anyone whose behavior could arguably warrant such a response is beneath her notice and not worth the effort. She’s more likely to close the door on someone. When she’s removed a person from her life, she is done. They become literally nothing to her. McKinley will rightly claim that this is about self-preservation and boundaries, but she really takes it to the next level.

9) What would they chose between: morning and night, sweet and savoury, beaches or meadows, cities or countryside, winter or summer, Christmas or Halloween (sorry, Spencer!), movies or TV shows, action or rom-com, clowns or vampires, stars or the moon (both!), cocktails or pints [Neither. McKinley doesn’t care for cocktails or beer. Scotch, brandy, rum, and dry wines are her poisons. She’s been known to add Kahlúah to vanilla ice cream, Baileys Irish Cream to coffee (she wants to try Drambuie next), or make hot toddies when she has a cold (obviously not mixing any alcohol with any medicine)]

10) How do they relax? Reading, or having Spencer read to her; knitting; listening to her records or playing her guitar; exercising with Boogie so she’s exhausted enough to sleep that night; baking and cooking

11) What makes them angry? Injustice, apathy/indifference, ableism, willful ignorance

12) What makes them afraid? The awful things she’d possibly do under duress; her family getting hurt or worse; spiders and other bugs that bite and/or sting

13) What is a moment from their childhood that has shaped who they are? It’s not a single event, but growing up with an abusive parent has certainly had a lifelong impact on McKinley. You’ve heard the expression “once bitten, twice shy?” She’s “once bitten, there’s no twice because you no longer exist.” She’s working on that. It’s also cultivated empathy, though, and is part of the reason she volunteers in the hospital’s rehab wing.

14) Do they have a sense of humour? Intellectual humor, pop culture references, puns/Dad jokes, science jokes. Sometimes morbid.

15) What do they value in their friends/loved ones? Honesty and empathy

16) Do they have any pets? An Aussie Collie/Border Aussie named Boogie-Woogie. He’s her first child.

17) Worst memory? Probably the day Meadows shot her and she thought she’d never see Spencer and Penny again.

18) Best memory? The days Sophie and Jason were born. Minus, y’know, the agonizing pain of labor and delivery.

19) Do they have any tattoos? (If no would they get one?) Nope and nope

20) If you could write them into another fandom, which one would you choose? If I knew the MCU better, I’d love to write her in as a Stark Tower employee! She’d be an anthropologist and would study alien societies the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. have encountered. She’d naturally be drawn to Loki, initially in a professional capacity (they quickly discover they relate to each other on a personal level as well).

He’d first find her annoying: “Why are you pestering me, Mortal? Surely you’d rather interview my oaf of a brother?”

“No, not even remotely. He only ever wants to discuss battles he’s won. There’s so much more to Asgard and the other realms than that. I want - I need - to learn your literature, your science, your culture and history. You’re well versed in all of these subjects and you’re an excellent teacher.”

He stares at her impassively over his mug of tea, but his heart - that Judas of an organ - flutters slightly at the compliment. And how can he say no to a fellow scholar?

“I prefer your company to Thor’s too. You have this calming presence. Thor’s sweet but he’s also obnoxiously loud and brash and he always hugs me even though I keep telling him I don’t like it. And he’s constantly swinging his hammer around, which makes me think he’s overcompensating for something.”

Loki nearly chokes on his tea. Yes, this mortal is considerably more tolerable than others.

“Very well. Friday evenings at 6:00, my chambers. Arrive late and suffer my wrath.”

From that day forward, whenever Thor tries to hug her, he gets mildly electrocuted.

Did I accidentally sorta kinda write a drabble? Would anyone be interested in making this a collab? That’s what they’re called, right? (Can you tell I’ve given this some thought? Haha! I have even more details in my head.)

21) Do they like their job? (What else would they do if they could?) She loves it! Hmmm, what else…? A librarian maybe. Or animate and produce an educational cartoon series.

22) What is their sexuality? Demisexual

23) Do they believe in love at first sight? Soulmates? One true love? McKinley believes in “seeing the potential for a good relationship at first conversation.”

Yes, although she feels that term has become overused and poorly redefined.

People can find love again after it’s been lost.

24) What music do they listen to? Has that changed over time? I actually recently answered an ask about this. Yes, she grew up on what passed for country in the ‘90s. God help her, she had a boyband phase in junior high.

25) Can they cook? What food do they love? McKinley does pretty well in the kitchen. She loves a wide variety of food. She grew up in the south, so tons of carbs/comfort foods. She loves Thai, Japanese, and Indian food. She cooks up Middle Earth-inspired dishes (ha! nerd). She’s especially proud of a seed cake she bakes.

26) What are their hopes for the future? For her family to be healthy, safe and happy. To be debt free.

27) How do they react to being threatened? It’s a coin flip. McKinley might curl up like an armadillo and hope the predator gets bored and leaves, or she might kick the stool out from under them and cause their chin to slam into the bar and crack several teeth.

28) What is their love language? McKinley and Spencer both exhibit the Acts of Service love language, because just saying “I love you” isn’t enough. You ought to show it. She’ll randomly bake doughnuts for Spencer or play guitar for him in bed, and he’ll take care of laundry, dishes, and any other chores he sees need doing.

Quality Time is important for them too. Once a month, Luke and Penny babysit so Spencer and McKinley have a day alone together. It doesn’t really matter what they do. The point is it’s just them.

It caught McKinley by surprise how much she enjoys physical affection, given that she can be touch averse but holy moly she was more touch starved than she realized. She lives for snuggles and makeout sessions and playing with each others’ hair. When one of them doesn’t want to be touched, they hook their pinkies together.

29) What do they find most challenging in relationships? At work? In general? At work she struggles to gain her colleagues’ respect (think “Boy Genius” treatment except she has lady bits). In general, she struggles with trusting people.

30) What do you as a creator love best about writing this character? Giving her everything I wish I had but don’t.

Bonus: Include a link to your favourite work with this OC or write a small drabble.

October 12, 2021

Warm sunlight filtered through the curtains, gently rousing Spencer from a pleasant sleep. Just when he’d decided to get up, he felt the mattress dip behind him and his wife’s breath fanning over his ear.

“Who’s the birthday boy?” whispered McKinley.

Spencer smiled softly but feigned being asleep.

“Who’s the birthdaaay boooy?” she repeated, bouncing slightly.

“The good-looking guy to your left?”

“Happy Birthday!” she laughed, pressing kisses along his neck, suddenly shifting the mood from playful to sexy.

“Would the birthday boy like his birthday present?” she asked as she lifted the covers.

“Well, look at that - it’s already unwrapped!”

[callunavulgari]

YEAR-IN-BOOKS | 2019

So. Last year I read 89 books. The year before that I read 39. The year before that I read 23. This year I have (thus far) read 110 books out of my goal of 100 and will likely finish both The Secret Commonwealth and The Library of the Unwritten before the end of the year. I may even finish another depending on which audiobook I go for next. So I’m gonna talk a lot. Again.

1. a book you loved?

Again, I read a lot of books this year. It was a great year for books. I discovered Brandon Sanderson, which has been amazing. I reread at least two different favorite series, some graphic novels, a few books that would ordinarily be outside of my typical genre. But I’m going to pick Red, White, & Royal Blue, which was probably the one I loved the most. Casey McQuiston, for those of you who weren’t in The Social Network fandom, wrote a really fantastic RPF in like 2011 or so. It was gorgeous and while I’m sad that it was never finished, I can still appreciate the crap out of it. RWARB is a story about the son of America’s first female president falling for the Prince of Wales. It is everything I loved about fics like The Student Prince and Drastically Redefining Protocol and more. It’s best universe 100% and I will probably be rereading it within the next few months because I loved it to pieces. Also, it won both best romance and best debut novel on goodreads by a pretty large margin, which is amazing! 

2. a book you hated?

I think the only book that I absolutely hated this year was The Gunslinger. Which sucks because a lot of people recommended that one pretty highly, but I either reluctantly enjoy Stephen King’s books or I outright loathe them. My review, directly from goodreads, with a rare one star rating:  

“Thing number 1: same guy who did the audiobook recording for The Stand did this one as well. Bad enough. Thing number 2: I forgot how badly Stephen King writes women. I got to listen to this narrator read a scene where a woman has an orgasm because the main character is exorcising a lust demon out of her by shoving a gun into her unmentionables, and then I got to hear someone described as "falling whorishly." DNF at 75%. Sorry. I just could not do it. Falling whorishly was the straw that broke the camel's back.”

3. a book that made you cry?

I definitely cried when I finished The Hero of Ages, which is the third of the original Mistborn trilogy by Sanderson. Without spoiling things... I was definitely crying by the end of it. Might have been crying at the end of the first in the series too. The only other ones I can think of that may have made me sniffle are Everything I Never Told You and To Be Taught, If Fortunate. 

The first because it’s a wonderfully crafted little tale about a family getting torn apart when their daughter dies tragically. The whole thing is pulled wonderfully taut with tension, and each of the character’s snippets into Lydia’s life before her death leads you to more and more discoveries until finally everything comes together seamlessly in the end.

The second because it is a little, little book about a big, big universe and is just so achingly beautiful and big inside that it hurts.

4. a book that made you happy?

I mean, I’m tempted to Red, White, and Royal Blue again because it is 100% the one that made me happiest. I was grinning like an idiot half the time I was reading it. But, because answering the same book for two questions seems cheap when I’ve read over 100, so I’m gonna go with King of Scars, which is the sequel to the sequel of the original Grisha trilogy by Leigh Bardugo. It took the best things about the original series and combined it with the best parts of Six of Crows and left me with a super riveting, fun read.

5. the best sequel?

Gah, I read so many series this year, so this is kind of hard. I have two answers!

The Well of Ascension, which was the second of the Mistborn novels and probably my favorite and The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy, which in my humble opinion was leagues better than The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue. Not that it was bad, I’m just starved for stories about smart sexy ladies who become pirates and flirt with other pretty pirate ladies.

6. most anticipated release for the new year?

Return of the Thief by Megan Whalen Turner is still my answer to this one. The release date got pushed back to August of next year instead of March of this one, so provided it doesn’t get pushed back again - that is 100% my answer. Some others I’m excited about: The Nobleman’s Guide to Scandal and Shipwrecks, which I found out about two minutes ago, the as yet untitled Stormlight Archive #4 which is apparently coming out in November next year, and like six books that don’t have release dates yet so probably won’t come out until 2021. Oh, oh, oh, and The King of Crows, the fourth in The Diviners series, which I forgot was coming out in February!

7. favorite new author?

Easily Brandon Sanderson. Most of my other favorites that I really loved were all authors I’ve read before. Sanderson was my Rothfuss of 2019. Discovering his books changed my whole damn year.

8. favorite book to film adaptation?

I didn’t reread the series this year, but HBO put out their adaptation of His Dark Materials and it has been absolutely amazing so far! I’m blown away by every single episode and can only hope that the second and third seasons will be this good.

9. the most surprising book?

Okay, so there’s this book that I picked up randomly at the library because I liked its cover. It’s called The Hundred-Foot Journey by Richard Morais and it’s about an Indian boy who grows up to become a world famous chef. It’s so, so rich. The detail is wonderful. You can taste the food, feel the sun, be a stranger in a market somewhere in France. It was a true delight of a book and definitely one of my favorites. 

10. the most interesting villain?

I read Codename Villanelle shortly after I got into the TV show, and it was actually a surprisingly good book. She’s a great villain. However, I also read Forest of a Thousand Lanterns, which you don’t even realize is about the evil queen until you’re like halfway through the book. That one was really, really well done and I need to get around to reading its sequel.

11. the best makeouts?

I’m tempted to say Chilling Effect because there’s just something about a sassy space pirate making out with her alien crew member whose skin can make her go into anaphylactic  shock that really appeals to the part of me that shipped Sheppard/Garrus from Mass Effect, but there were two really steamy ones in The Hating Game (elevators) and Ninth House (slightly dubcon-y bit because one character is drugged, but super searing anyway?). 

Also the bit in Red, White and Royal Blue where they make out against a painting of Hamilton in the White House will probably get me every time.

12. a book that was super frustrating?

Again, But Better was a pretty decent book over all. But there were slightly too many pop culture references and listening to an audiobook where the characters are signing along to Blink 182 along with several other songs was a little cringey because the narrator did not actually sing, just kind of singsongy shouted. It was weird.

The Alchemist was also really slow going for such a short book but was over all pretty good.

13. a book you texted about, and the text was IN CAPSLOCK?

I have no real life friends who really read and it is fucking tragic, so the closest I got was recommending a bunch of books to my mom and going off on tangents about how good they were. I think I might have ranted to Nick about a couple of them too.

14. a book for the small children in your life?

I reread The Bartimaeus trilogy again this year and it’s a kid’s book series that I would recommend to literally anybody because it might be my favorite series ever? I also read Lockwood & Co, a kid’s series by the same author who did Bartimaeus, which was fantastic because I didn’t even know he’d written anything since Bartimaeus? It didn’t quite compare, mostly because I adore Bartimaeus way too much, but was still highly entertaining. Spooky kid detectives hunt ghosts! 

15. a book you learned from?

While I did not read a single non-fiction book this year (again, whoops), a lot of books are informative even if they’re fiction. Hell, I learned more about cooking from The Hundred Foot Journey than I have in any cookbook out there.

16. a book you wouldn’t normally try?

Maybe Challenger Deep? I’ve been branching out more, so it’s getting harder and harder to tell which books I wouldn’t normally try. I did read like three exclusively romance novels this year, which was a bit odd for me.

17. a book with something magical in it?

I still say all books are magical. And definitely a lot of the books I read were magical, but probably the one with the most magic was The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern, which was a meticulously crafted love letter to all stories and fairy tales. It was really magical and definitely lived up to The Night Circus. If she keeps up like this, I won’t even mind the decade between publications, because she has a hell of a way with words.

18. the best clothes?

Maybe either The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (the descriptions of her gorgeous silky green dresses made me deeply envious) or Three Dark Crowns (which had neat food and clothes from what I remember)

19. the most well-rounded characters?

All of Sanderson’s stuff has great characters, but Everything I Never Told You is still probably the one with the best. Celeste Ng is really, really good at making you feel each of her characters down to their marrow.

20. the best world-building?

To Be Taught, If Fortunate was very much wow when it comes to the world building. But so was Ninth Gate and The Alloy Era of the Mistborn novels (sequel series to the original series that takes place hundreds of years after the first series). I also read Saga this year, a graphic novel series about a man and his wife on the run from their governments with their baby daughter because their species are in a long standing war and nobody wants anybody to know that they can procreate. That has some fantastic world building.

21. the worst world-building?

Maybe What If It’s Us? I found that one largely boring.

22. a book with a good sidekick?

Definitely any of the Alloy of Law books. Wayne is a wonderful sidekick and all of the other “side characters” in that series are fantastic.

23. the most insufferable narrator?

Ugh, the Gunslinger. Both the character in the book and the person who narrated the audiobook.

24. a book you were excited to read for months beforehand?

I think the only ones I was really excited for head of time were the two Folk of Air sequels by Holly Black and The Starless Sea. I still need to read Call Down the Hawk, and I’m currently reading The Secret Commonwealth, the sequel to His Dark Materials which I’ve been excited about since I learned that it would be a thing.

25. a book you picked up on a whim?

You already know about The Hundred Foot Journey. We Are Where the Nightmares Go and The Monster of Elendhaven were also both randoms that I picked up during the Halloween season that I really enjoyed.

26. a book that should be read in a foreign country?

The Hundred Foot Journey. 100%

27. a book cassian andor would like?

I still don’t know what to make of this question.

28. a book gina linetti would like?

Probably any of the steamy ones? I honestly don’t know.

29. your favorite cover art?

Probably The Ten Thousand Doors of January. It’s very pretty and flowery and the book itself is fantastic. I also really like the cover of David Mogo, Godhunter.

30. a book you read in translation?

I think The Alchemist was the only book I read that was translated from another language.

31. a book from another century?

Ha! North and South was first published in 1854. Other than that the oldest ones I’ve got were written in the 80s (Shards of Honor, Ender’s Game, and The Alchemist) or the 50s (The Two Towers).

32. a book you reread?

This year I reread the Bartimaeus Trilogy, the Temeraire novels (and then finished the last two I hadn’t read yet), Sabriel, and The King of Attolia.

33. a book you’re dying to talk about, and why?

I have clearly talked enough at this point. I think the only one that I loved that I didn’t get a chance to talk about already was Horrorstor, which is a book about haunted Ikea (basically). It’s fantastic and hilarious and spooky and now that I think about it Gina Linetti would probably like it. Oh, and The Bear and the Nightingale trilogy, which was a retelling of an old Russian tale. It was great. 

TLDR; Read Sanderson’s books, Leigh Bardugo’s books, and whatever Casey McQuiston writes for the next 30 years.

[naysaltysalmon]

I’m back!

Upon my return from China, I noticed there were a lot of things weighing me down... that I can just throw the fuck out.

I could expound upon all of these in great detail, but it really would be pointless. And I wouldn’t be able to cover it all anyway. So instead I’ve decided to make a post of every icon I’ve used for my online persona over the years.

The reason for this is... at the end of the program I attended, we had an entire week of silent meditation. We weren’t allowed to talk or communicate with anyone in any way, including gestures, eye contact, or physical touch. So, during this time I had the realization that the stories I’ve been interested in have been my main source of comfort over the years. No person, place, or thing has felt more permanent to me than this.

However, permanence is an illusion, as the Buddhists say (I stayed in a Buddhist monastery in China, in case you’re wondering). My interests have changed over the years -- from the first fandoms I got obsessed with, to my interests now. I may still adore the series that I enjoyed as a child, but definitely not in the same way.

Coming home, I realized... I no longer want to attach my identity to one character or series. That’s why I’ve decided to make this post. I want to reflect on all the egos of my past, on what they have meant to me, so that I can let them go. I’ve been clinging to a folder of them for too long.

To anyone who’s been here since the very start of my blog, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is an acknowledgement of my transformation from then until now.

And so:

Breadward Elric. My first Internet icon, which I had for 2 and a half years from May 2011 -- 2013. My blog was originally entirely FMAB content, created in January of 2012, and while this format didn’t last the entire time that I had this icon, Breadward saw me through the majority of my early anime and video game obsessions. He jump-started my personality on the Internet as a fanfic author, a blogger, and an artist. I will never forget him... ;~;

Comrade Führer Tamama. I had this icon for 8 months in early 2013 -- early 2014. What can I say? Tamama’s passionate personality resonated with me, especially when he was finally able to be in control (in the episode this particular screenshot is from). Gotta get those cola oceans pronto!

Yokoso waga tainai e [Welcome to my Womb ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]. I had a phase during the summer of 2014, okay. But I still love this maniacal snake’s crusty ass, fite me. I admire KagePro immensely for the popularity and development it gave characters in song format. Of course, favorite of those characters was Kuroha, a snake whose only desire was to keep granting wishes so that he could survive. Add a touch of murderous intent and you have the complete package -- I won’t deny he appealed(appeals) to my wild side -- okay moving on.

KeroTama hugge 👀. I had this icon for about 4-6 months in 2014 before the Hunter x Hunter phase hit. God, I shipped them so hard *facepalms* It was funny though, it’s like KagePro hit me like a hurricane during this summer and then I went right back to being KeroTama trash. Amazing.

Softly Smiling Pika. I kept this icon for at least 9-10 months at the end of 2014 -- early 2015, until I found Owari no Seraph. Kurapika was definitely my bae at the start of my HxH phase -- and in many ways he still is. The current arc gives me this sense of nostalgia of being a 15-year-old again, deeply in love but too in denial to see it. Watching him as a young adult, I see how far I’ve come, how I could have ended up... since I believed myself to be most closely alike with Kurapika at the time. And now I know that’s not the case... I remember debating between many other Kurapika icons and finally choosing this one because I dearly wanted to believe I too could find my happiness in the friends around me, even if it seemed all was hopeless behind the scenes.

Yuu babe. I had this icon for 4 months in the middle of 2015, I remember. Yuichiro Hyakuya was an underappreciated dorky genius at the time, much like how Gon is in HxH now, except... Now in the series... *deep sighs* *clenches fist* I still love his piercing citrine eyes and the dynamism of this icon/pose though.

Cuties T^T (MikaYuu edition). Mmm I kept this icon for a while, something like most of 2016, at least 6-8 months, probably more like 9 or 10. Looking back, I still wonder how/why the author was a fucking coward and didn’t make MikaYuu happen. We coulda had it aaallllll...... Anyway, this is when I was writing Ebony & Ivory, my most popular fic to date, so I was reveling in the reputation I gained from that. This icon was me accepting that while I was no longer friends with my best friend from middle school to 11th grade, I would still pursue my own happiness in the perfect relationship that I saw in MikaYuu. *nods* It’s fitting.

Caught Child². I shared this and the next couple of icons with a friend that I met online, who used the Gon equivalent. I think we shared this one for about 3 months of 2016. This is when I became re-obsessed with Hunter x Hunter and realized how much I had changed between 2014 and 2016. It’s an obsession that’s more or less carried onto now, and redefined my adulthood, as I see my progression as I refer back to HxH for guidance to this day.

Content Chompy Boye. I love this icon. I kept this icon for a long time, something like 5-6 months in December 2016 -- mid-2017. The colors of the background contrast with Killua’s white hair, pale skin, and dark muscle shirt... I still used this icon on other websites until just a few days ago (when I most recently changed my icon) because I thought it looked the best backdropped against the format of other websites. I love this scene in the series, though; while (human) Palm is chattering on about her worry that Gon and Killua will be able to defeat Knuckle and Shoot in time, Killua continues to eat without a care in the world. It’s a mood I feel at least once a day, whether while eating or getting a back massage -- as if that ever happens -- 11/10.

Pizza Devil Brat. I like this icon a lot and kept it on a few websites for longer too, but with the way I edited it, the green background becomes a little too headache-inducing if you stare at it too long, so 8/10 -- okay no more out of 10 ratings, this isn’t that kind of post. I believe I kept this icon for about 3-4 months in 2017 and possibly early 2018 as well. From the same scene the previous Kurapika icon came from, this remains one of my favorite scenes in the entire series for its serious undertones over the light happiness that underlies Gon’s, Killua’s, and Kurapika’s (and Leorio’s -- but he’s not in this scene) interactions with each other throughout the series.

Grumpy Gem Gremlin. I was sharing the last three icons with that friend, including this one, with the Phos equivalent (more or less). I think we only kept it for about a month or month and a half in 2017 or beginning of 2018 before switching to the next one. Cinnabar’s desire for a purpose and closeness to others despite her poisonous nature... is definitely something I can understand and relate to.

Sad Gem Child. Damn, I think we’re all still waiting for the day Gormie realizes Aechmea’s a creepy sugar daddy and dropkicks his ass into the ocean where the Admirabilis can decompose his cloudy body like he doesn’t deserve. When will Land of the Lustrous return from the war? I’m still waiting, Ichikawa. Anyway I think we kept this icon for about a month or maybe two in 2018, not long at all.

Gay Childe™. Look, this is one of the gayest scenes in the entire series and it’s right after my favorite episode(s)/scene(s) in the entire series (so far) and it’s not even acknowledged by anyone. Just. Holy Fuck. Anyway I think I kept this icon for about 6-8 months to cap off 2018. And this is where the Big Breakup happened, where my friend decided to choose an icon that deviated from mine, but I kept this icon for a lot longer due to what this scene means to me, placed after/during my favorite episode. ;v;

And finally, BoMH (Blood on My Hands) Pika. I used this icon for 8 months from the start of 2019 until just a few days ago (approx. 8 months). This icon was originally the cover for a Kurapika fic that I started back in 2015 and ended up discontinuing because it was pretty slow-paced, and thus unpopular, which made it become difficult for me to write. But I got all the way up to 97k words before I quit, simply because of the freedom and joy I felt in creating all the OCs that I fit into Kurapika’s journey as he searched for the Kurta eyes after the Yorknew City Arc. Looking back, I’m proud of the planning and commitment that I succeeded in undertaking with this fic -- it was about halfway done by the time I stopped writing it -- and I feel I want to return to this concept one day. Even if the arcs were pretty formulaic at times and, well, boring, I wanted this icon at the start of 2019 to be a new person separate from my recent past matching icons; a representation of my ability to reconnect with my past, but to no longer be afraid of it; to be proud of it, but still recognizing the not-so-good parts, laying it to rest by no longer avoiding it.

My icon now, as I’m sure you can see... is nothing like those I’ve used thus far. I definitely have no intention of moving away from anime or my past. I simply wish to redefine who I am in relation to them, rather than being defined by them.

...I’ve discovered a lot about myself over the past 2 years since college started, more than I ever thought possible. I discovered a lot while in China, too. And I need my online persona to reflect that in every form, as I’ve done every time there was a change.

Thank you all for being with me on this journey: for following me, for reading my posts, for liking my art, for talking with me and blowing up my notifications on every platform...

I’ll be pursuing the next chapter(s) of Human, TIDU, and other works soon. ^.^

[soclosewiz]

City Park

Deep in the forests of the Skykomish valley in Western Washington lies the tiny town of Index and behind it, hundreds of feet of sheer granite cliffs that are home to some of the finest trad and sport climbing on the planet. The most easily accessible and popular sector, the Lower Town Wall (LTW), lies just across the rail road tracks from the parking lot. The wall is split in two by a singular line of weakness that scars an otherwise completely blank and dead vertical face. This is City Park. Index isn’t known for splitters (perfect cracks), with most if its classics combining crack and face climbing. That’s okay because I’m not much known for climbing splitters in the first place. Nevertheless, no one who has ever visited Western Washington’s local’s paradise could deny the appeal of the perfect and unmistakable line that is City Park.

City Park

It was first opened by the pitons of Roger Johnson and Richard Mathies in 1966 and has since become an iconic part of Index history and a popular aid route. It consists of 35 meters of 5.10 bolt ladder, 5.11 splitter fingers, 5.12 tech, and 5.13 pinky lock after pinky lock after pinky lock above nuts and size 00 cams. The smallest trad gear on the market. The caveat is that the entire climb shares an anchor with the most popular 5.9 in Washington, Godzilla. So it is that everyone and their mother who has ever plugged gear at Index has, at some point or another, lowered down over City Park’s striking pods and pockets and wondered...

So it was on my first attempt. Three years ago I visited Index with my friends Miles C., Jeff S., and Stefan B. for the first time and led Godzilla, my first 5.9 trad climb. What was this other thing I was looking at on the way down? Washington’s hardest trad climb and the top rope is already rigged? Of COURSE I was going to try. That day I don’t think I freed a single move. The crack was fully saturated with a winter’s worth of seepage and snowmelt, and it took alternating between two cams and my belayer’s gracious assistance for me to move even halfway up the climb.

At the time I couldn’t even fathom what it would take to send City Park. I knew nothing about how small the gear is, how runout the cruxes all are, how the sharp rock will only let one try once or MAYBE twice every 4-5 days, how the break/undercling seeps for half the year and how it’s too hot to stand on the microscopic feet for the other half. I also didn’t know how few people had done it nor how many had tried and given up. I didn’t know the stories of the five legends that had clipped the chains before me; about how Todd Skinner had to burn grease out for his first ascent, or how Hugh Herr had invented his own prosthetics to enable the second. I had never heard of Chris Schlotfield’s pinkpoint send or heard my friend Per try and describe why they call him “Snickers.”  I had never met Blake Herrington while wading across the Skykomish river to climb at secret sport crags, or belayed Mikey Schaeffer on his first 5.14a down at Smith Rock. I had no exposure to all the things that made City Park appeal to me, and yet even on that very first day, somewhere in my heart I knew that one day I would come for this beautiful, cruel rock climb. I didn’t know if it would be in one year or thirty, but somehow I knew. In a certain way it always seemed inevitable. I didn’t always know I would send it, but I always knew I was going to try.

Views at Index

In the fall of 2017 I pitched off of the final crux move of Pornstar, a 5.13d at World Wall that I had been working for several months. I had never been closer, and yet somehow simultaneously never felt farther away. “What more does it take!?” I screamed at the wall as tears streamed shamelessly down my face. Whatever the answer was, I no longer cared. My inspiration for the project was gone. I walked away with no regrets, right into the open arms of Index, a corner of the map I had thus far left almost entirely unexplored.

I fell fast and I fell hard, with a few early experiences changing the way I saw both the crag and myself as a climber. My favorite Index partner Pat S. introduced me to local climbers and classic climbs, spraying me with enough beta for all the classic Lower Town Wall 5.11ds to fall one after another. Guidebook author Chris Kalman showed me the beauty of some of the less travelled terrain and infected me with his contagious psyche whilst listening to me express my fears of leaving sport climbing behind and accepting what it meant to be something of a beginner again. “Don’t be afraid to redefine yourself,” he told me as we were driving to the crag one day; words I’ll never forget. All the pieces fell into place in exactly the way I needed them to most. Suddenly Index was the only place I wanted to climb.

I left Index when the rains came in November for drier conditions in the Red River Gorge, but when I returned Washington was graced by a rare weather window in December. My friend Jasna H. and I ventured out with one goal in mind: we wanted to top rope the one and only City Park to see if it just might be possible. By the end of the day on December 6th I was bleeding from more than half my fingers and had managed to link less than half the climb.

Jasna was in the same boat. I consider there to be five distinct sections, and the one in the middle remained a huge blank question mark. In that part in particular the feet disappear almost entirely, and the crack gets especially thin. Nevertheless, I wrote down all my beta for the bottom and top, and figured I had to start somewhere, even if I couldn’t even see how to do such a huge number of the moves.

My first topo for the middle section

Three weeks in Mexico came after, and it wasn’t until I was back in Washington in January that I can really say my skin had finally healed after that initial siege. Winter was also here to stay this time, so I did not revisit the route again until May 11th when I returned from an extended period of travel around the south west. During the previous weeks I had watched conditions in Index start to improve as spring arrived, but I had unfinished business in Smith Rock so I did not return to City Park at first opportunity. That day in May I drove out after work with one of my best friends Eric H., after having not climbed together in months. Everything turned out to be wet, including my project. It may have been wet, but it was also COLD, and when I climbed it my feet stuck to the wall like they never had before. For the first time I was able to do all the moves. I finally also figured out a sequence that could consistently get me through the break at the end of the middle crux, right before it eases off a bit for the final sprint.

Looking down at the break, which was the source of a lot of seepage in the spring

The travel bug was still in my veins a little more than the City Park obsession, so I left Seattle once more and tabled the project yet again. Early June brought me back and I kept top roping, slowly putting the pieces together and checking off micro goals that I had set for myself. Top rope the top 2/3rds clean after starting at the bottom; make it to the top clean from below the break; things like that.

On June 15th I arrived at the base of the climb to find a line four people deep for Godzilla and none of them willing to trail my rope to set up a TR for me. After a pep talk from Eric I decided I might as well make this my first lead attempt. I was absolutely terrified, but as I racked up all the small gear I could find, Index staple Randy L. walked by the base and called out to me, “you’re my hero!” It gave me the last little bit of confidence I needed, and I tied in and left the ground.

That first lead burn took me well over an hour. I placed an absurd amount of gear, and aided through many of the moves. If I had thought I was closing in before, I suddenly felt miles away. Nonetheless, it was still another box checked on my mental list of steps that stood between me and one day clipping the chains.

By the end of June I managed to TR one hang it for the first time while climbing with Maiza W., and then the next day Julian B. belayed me as I made it through the break from the ground. Three days later I came out with Pat yet again to find the route soaking wet, so I figured out all the gear in better fashion then my initial rack from the lead attempt. I mock lead it despite the dampness, and managed to fail spectacularly on some of the easiest moves.

Top Roping

By now everyone knew that if I invited them to come to Index with me, I was basically asking for support on this single project. We wouldn’t be doing a multipitch, and we wouldn’t be hiking past the LTW. It had become a completely selfish pursuit, but I had long since accepted that if I was going to have a shot I had to do absolutely whatever it took. I often would write exactly that on my hand, so I could keep the discipline to stay away from the temptations of beer, junk food, or other routes… At the same time I was plagued by guilt at the sacrifices I was asking of my belayers. I tried not to talk about the route too much, or seem too egotistical about the process. I didn’t ask for photos nor spray too often about progress unless it seemed particularly meaningful. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted any rock climb, and thus I struggled to find the balance between selfishness and necessary evils, because that was what it would take for me to send. Sacrifice not just from me, but from my friends who left work early for me, sat in traffic for me, or offered constant words of support and encouragement to me.

July 4th I had managed to recruit Pat yet again for a belay, and I tossed around the dream that maybe it would come together out of the blue on my first real lead attempt. Instead I almost puked at the pure physical effort it took to reach the chains. I also managed to whip on a brass nut so many times that it took a hammer to remove. Later that day I also decked off a 5.11a because I didn’t have the strength to pull through after climbing City Park. Not exactly what I’d been expecting, but by the end of the day as I watched fireworks explode over the town of Index, tears fell down my face as I contemplated how grateful I was to be in such a beautiful and magical place, and how I would not have traded these moments for anything in the world. Surrounded by friends, filled with good food, and celebrating a place I love, I felt like I would burst with the power of it all. That, or maybe it was just some damn good weed that had me feeling particularly sentimental.

Team America on the 4th of July

Three days later, July 7th I gave my third lead attempt while surrounded by a crew of some of my favorite Index personalities; Mike Massey, Pat, Eric, and others. I blasted up to a dramatically new high point, avoiding whipping on the nut and instead testing out the security of my next piece, a 00 shakily placed during the briefest moment of reprieve that two slightly above average pin scars offer after finishing the first real crux and before starting the second. For some reason I decided that I should change the way I held the undercling hold at the break, and try and place more gear to protect the next moves in case the 00 didn’t hold a fall from the upper crux. I thought it was a breakthrough discovery, but in the end I abandoned the change and reverted to my original sequence. That night we ran the Via Ferrata and I one again felt Index’s beauty take my breath away.

Enjoying breathtaking Via Ferrata Views with my best friends

During my lead attempt that day as I was climbing, a party descending from a pitch above began to lower a rappel line on top of me, not suspecting that someone would actually be trying to free climb City Park. It’s not exactly a common scenario, and as I watched the line snake down from the skyline I felt my heart sink as I and everyone around yelled at the party above to pull their rope back up because I was still on point (hadn’t fallen yet). The folks at the belay were very understanding and accommodating, and even took a few photos as I was nearing the anchors. The graciousness with which these strangers treated me made me more than ever consider the many complex emotions I had wrapped up in this climb.  

I had only been climbing at Index regularly for a short time before I started trying City Park. I had never done so many of the classics, or even visited many of the other walls. I had never bolted any new lines, nor cleaned off old ones. I didn’t know how to rope solo, and I hadn’t even camped in the climber lot more than once. I looked at City Park and the people that had climbed it before me with stars in my eyes every single time I left the ground. Who was I to be trying to follow in their footsteps? Sure I knew I was strong enough to do it eventually, but did I deserve it? Should the first female ascent belong to me, who could barely climb Japanese Gardens and had never even been on the Davis-Holland Memorial Route? This route was so intertwined in Index history that I often wondered these things; in making my mark, was I doing justice to a place that meant so much to me? More than sending City Park, I wanted to send it in style. When Todd Skinner first began trying it, locals poured grease down the crack to thwart his efforts because they didn’t want him to have the honor. I wanted to be someone that deserved the honor. Someone that people could celebrate not for, but with, and someone that would inspire others to get on the route in the years that would follow. To me, City Park is the perfect rock climb, and I wanted so desperately to be worthy of something so pure. Every time I pulled the final moves I imagined what it would feel like to do them while sending, and every time I trained at the gym I dreamed of the day when it would all come together. I wanted my send to inspire not simply because of the act itself, but because of my work ethic, what I give to my community, my passion, dedication, and all the other pieces that would be critical for success.

Alpinglow views at beautiful Index

On Tuesday, July 10th I saw the last weather window for as far ahead as the forecast could predict. I got the day off work, and I locked down my partner Eric. Having last tried the route only a few days ago, my skin was shit. My new shoes had been backordered for months, and got shipped only the day before, so my shoes were also shit. I spent all morning being agitated at car traffic on the roads and human traffic in the many stores I visited while looking for my preferred brand of superglue so I could make tape stick to my pinkies. Eric was late (through no fault of his own) and as I sat in my car in Monroe waiting for him I listened to a homeless man yelling at nothing as he ambled around the parking lot. Basically my mental game was shit. My elbows hurt from training and my back hurt from heavy lifting at work. Nothing was right, but nonetheless I had to try.

As I stood on the ledge at the top of the bolt ladder, first cam in place, I looked down at my body. My heart was racing so fast I could see my shirt twitching with each heartbeat. I waited, but it showed no signs of slowing down. Accepting that this was just going to be one of those fear burns, where I never caught my breath and never found flow, I set off in resignation. I reached my high point and placed the 00 with energy to spare, though I could feel myself slipping. I moved into the break and tried to place the new nut I had added to the rack, and in doing so lost my grip and fell. I fiddled with the gear, then fiddled with the crux, and discovered a bit of micro beta that seemed to make a big difference in getting through the most insecure moves right after the break. As I rocked up on a heel hook at the end of the final 5.13 section, for the first time it felt real; like I had a shot.

I came down and said as much to Eric and he agreed and asked how my skin was. I had just assumed it would be a horror show after how thin it had been at the beginning. It was raw and painful, but not bleeding. Maybe I could try again. I had nothing left to lose.

That was when a crew of aid climbers arrived and declared their intentions of spending the evening on City Park practicing their techniques. That was fine, I needed lots of rest anyway and how long could they possibly take? Eric and I went to the country, did a few pitches, and returned around 8:45pm as the sun was beginning to set. Paloma was still on the route, and she wasn’t very close to the top. Apparently some of the nuts were very stuck. As she cleaned the rest of their gear I watched the daylight fade along with my hopes.

A day when an aid climber saved me from getting on the route before it went into the shade

Finally there was only one nut left, and it was around 9pm. I had used normal white chalk to mark where my hands went (tick marks on the right side of the crack for right hand, left for left, with the direction of the tick indicating if my pinky went down or up), and colored chalk for gear. When I saw that the nut was not blocking either, I begged her to just leave it and let me try one last time. (to clarify, I did not clip the nut, I climbed around it as if it were not there) Thankfully, she agreed and descended. Yet again, I chose selfishness because I felt like it was my only option, asking others to make the one sacrifice I couldn’t make myself.

I started up the climb and everything felt different. Because of skin my expectations were realistic, but I was calm for the first time. The fear was finally gone. The pressure, gone. Just City Park and I, alone together as the darkness descended over the Lower Town Wall and the crowd below let their chatter fade to silence as they watched in anticipation, breaths collectively held. The air was the coolest it had been in weeks, yet there was a strange warmth inside the crack; normally one would expect the opposite as the sun heats the surrounding rock but not the slot itself. I knew I would no longer fall on any of the moves below my high point. As I did them I felt my feet stick when I expected them to stick, and slip when I knew they would slip, and I planned accordingly. My new gear beta worked like a charm, and before I knew it I was above the break.

The chalk in the center of the photo is marking a critical foothold. Par for the course on City Park

I felt myself slipping out of the last pinky locks but I told myself to weight the foot more and trust that it would stay, the micro beta I had identified on my previous attempt. As I pulled into the final hard section I felt tired, but in complete control. I sang to myself a song I had written about the climb and recited countless times during training over the past several months: “Watch those anchor gates, open up for me, for our City Park sending train.” With each move I became more and more certain that this was it, the moment that City Park had finally deemed me worthy. I placed each hand perfectly, each foot perfectly, and made not a sound until I was standing on the ledge below the final 5.11 section.

“Oh my God!” I yelled, as the small crowd below erupted in cheers of their own. In the past I have stayed on that ledge for up to several minutes, but within seconds I knew the true summit was calling my name and I could not wait. I began climbing once more and the voices below instantly silenced. All precision vanished as I slammed my hands into the final fingerlocks, feet skittering across the polished granite with no grace remaining. As I latched the final hold I let out a scream and felt tears immediately form and begin to fall. It was almost completely dark by now, and by the time I was back on the ground we had to pack up all our gear by headlamp.

In that moment I knew I had accomplished one of the most important and proudest things I have ever done with my life. City Park was never a goal, it was a dream. My dream. It was not about the process of ticking the boxes of each mini milestone, but about the relationship I formed with the route as it was happening. I fell more in love with each move every time I did it, each emotion each time I felt it. Fear, pain, adrenaline, hope, determination, joy, pride, and did I mention physical pain? There was a lot of it. In the end though it is all dwarfed by the overwhelming honor I feel at having been able to join my heroes in Index history as the first woman to climb City Park and the fourth person to place all gear on lead for a true redpoint.

While working it, many questioned if it was fun, or if it was worth the pain. To that I say this: to many it may not be. It’s just another climb, and it’s one that will not go down without a fight. That is why so few people have done it. City Park is a logistical nightmare. Conditions are critical yet elusive, skin is a constant issue, gear is finicky, thin, and downright scary, and no matter how you slice it the moves are just downright hard. There were parts that weren’t fun. There were parts that plain sucked. Those parts were when it was truly testing me however, and that was when it meant the most.

City Park I love you.

A near complete version of my beta (the final one has gear included)

The rack for most of the hard climbing

Another day, another gobe.

Having a good cry after sending my dream route

[thebestplltheories]

My TOP 10 episodes in all of television - spoiler free!

1. How To Get Away With Murder: Season 4, Episode 8 - Live. Live. Live

On the edge of my seat from start to end, this episode was extremely satisfying as we finally learnt what happened that night. One “what the actual fuck?” moment after the other, there is no better adjective to describe the story than ‘exciting’. Having just spent a season trying to prove that they are good people trying to move on from tangled murders, it was beyond juicy to see their lives unintentionally take a U-turn down Old Habits Road, even when their intentions were good. The writing needs to be commended in this episode not just for the witty and snappy dialogue, but for the actual intellect of the writers to think of stories of this caliber. The way the events unfolded that night were insanely satisfying and beyond my theory-brain’s ability to have ever imagined, yet, still managed to make me say “of course!” once revealed. Topped with EMMY-worthy acting from more than just the sensational lead Viola, the pure creativity and ingenuity of this episode left me feeling like these television writers could get away with murder.

2. How To Get Away With Murder: Season 4, Episode 9 - He’s Dead.

The perfect follow up to the perfect finale. This episode flowed from the previous so well that if we eliminated the “previously on”, the two episodes can stand alone as a mini movie revolving around one never-ending messed up night. The roller coaster doesn’t slow down, actually, it speeds up, which was a shock as I thought it was already going full speed. Seeing the characters fall deeper into the rabbit hole of their old habits, and then trying to dig themselves out, was entertainment at its best. Just because there were not as many “what the actual fuck?” moments as the previous episode, there were still plenty sighs of relief, grunts of anger, and throwing of the hands in the hair. The episode was very fast paced with lots of complicated stories occurring simultaneously, and successfully keeping up with them all felt like a reward in itself.

3. Pretty Little Liars: Season 7, Episode 20 - Til Death Do Us Part

Although this episode was generally not well received by most PLL veterans, I can only love this episode as it was essentially an on-screen adaptation of my written theories I made leading up to the episode. It was beyond satisfying to see that I had successfully theorised, almost to a tee, the series ending to a show that will forever be in my heart. The execution lacked, specifically in intensity and any sense of danger, however the overall story being told was very detailed and mostly clever - certainly free of plot holes, which was impressive given the convoluted state of the series at the time. The story was by no means flawless as the writers certainly missed easy opportunities to go out with a louder bang, however, after the difficult mental task of setting aside all the thoughts of what could have been, the episode can be perfectly summarised as satisfying and bittersweet. I think I will forever remember this day. June 27, 2017. It was an unforgettable experience.

4. How To Get Away With Murder: Season 2, Episode 9 - What Did We Do?

This episode elevated the show to a level I never knew it was reaching for. Other finales of this show had me screaming WTF out of pure disbelief and shock, however this finale had me screaming WTF out of disturbance - I was genuinely bothered, and made to feel uncomfortable, at the methods they used to get away with murder. This episode features one of the most iconic scenes of the entire series to date, which, if this episode had aired prior to the EMMYs, would have made Viola Davis the no-brainer winner (if she wasn’t at the time). As if the finale wasn’t gripping enough, it ended with a scene that was like a superfluous yet delicious cherry on top. The final scene redefined everything we thought we knew about two major characters and the episode overall was twisted and exciting to say the least.

5. Pretty Little Liars: Season 7, Episode 19 - Farewell, My Lovely.

The penultimate episode to the loveable series can be summarised with one word: satisfying. Unusual for this show, so much action and plot progression was perfectly fit into one episode. Further, the show finally reached my desirable ratio of mystery to romance: all mystery and no romance. An impressive amount of story was wrapped up, answering enough questions to begin the series finale without an immensely overwhelming amount of content to sort through. Whilst the answers themselves weren’t overly shocking, actually, some fan theories were more exciting than what the writers delivered, the story that was provided was undebatably logical and cohesive which made it tough to argue with. Unfortunately the writers missed a great opportunity to name-drop the show. “You’re not criminals. Not really.” Insert here: “You’re just a bunch of pretty little liars”. Whilst it would appear corny in that moment of first viewing, those feelings undoubtedly would pass with time and it would have been iconic in Pretty Little Liars history. Nonetheless, the penultimate episode served its purpose very well: it set up the series finale by answering questions that were not worth dwindling on for one more second.

6. The Fosters: Season 5, Episode 1 - Resist

Bone chilling. My goosebumps had goosebumps as I watch a mother race to find her daughter who is being held captive by a group of rapists - an action packed, nail biting story I would’ve never envisioned back at the show’s conception five years ago. Watching Callie value her friend’s lives more than her own, is upsetting but admirable, and the passion of the students protesting against the privatisation of their school that they are so proud of, is nothing short of beautiful. Leave it to The Fosters to make you feel what the characters feel, even when the character’s experiences are un-relatable. I for one, have never faced the problem of school privatisation, or, touch wood, rape. But the emotions are so raw and expertly crafted through the lens of the camera that it’s actually impossible to not feel for the characters.

7. The Fosters: Season 5, Episode 10 - Sanctuary

I’m not easy to crack, but this episode marked the first time I actually shed a tear or two of pure happiness at a television show. Trust The Fosters to pull on your heart strings. The episode deals with an immigrant who is wanted because her DACA status is pending, and the lengths that her friends go to to help her stay in the country she was raised in and calls home. It was somewhat surreal to reflect on what the show had now become: no longer is this show about a girl who wants to be adopted by a family. This is about a girl who constantly walks on fire for her friends and expects nothing in return. Police are involved, and stakes are higher than ever. The episode preached a message that isn’t said loud enough, and is one that any television-lover can watch regardless of their history (or non-existent history) with The Fosters. Whilst the juicy parts of the episode co-existed amongst a lot of romance filler which I do not care too much for, the story was so important to tell, and was told so damn well, that on this rare occasion, I was able to forgive and oversee the filler.

8. Riverdale: Season 1, Episode 12 - Anatomy of a Murder

Bombshell after bombshell, this episode surprised me not just in terms of the story’s reveals, but also the reveal that the writers want this to be a twisted thriller series. So much happened in a short time span yet it never felt overly condensed. It moved at an impressive pace that comfortably told the story in enough depth. This had everything a mystery show needs in its big important episodes: family drama, a death, alternative suspects gained or freed, the reveal of the true killer’s identity, impressive acting, another death, and a cliff hanger (literally, wink wink). It’s clear the writers gave this everything. All of this occurred in a visually stunning episode; beautiful and grand sets, vibrant and punchy colours, and powerful camera perspectives. This episode definitely could’ve proudly served as the season finale and actually, is my benchmark I use to compare all other Riverdale episodes, whereby this is what a ten out of ten looks like.

9. Supergirl: Season 2, Episode 22 - Nevertheless, She Persisted.

Excuse the cliche, but never judge a book by its cover. I never would’ve thought, ever, that a superhero show will make me feel more than just excitement at the action-packed dangerous story lines: this episode made me feel heartbreak, sorrow, shock, fear, disbelief and joy. Ruling out superhero shows because you’re not into fantasy and super-powers, is a silly move, since this episode proved yet again that Supergirl is grounded in reality, and the powers and super villains are just extra for the sake of fun. The emotions Kara goes through are human and relatable, and the emotions Supergirl goes through are still relatable, but you must dig to find the underlying meaning rather than take the red cape for face value. This episode flows so perfectly from the previous episode, Resist, that they could both pass as a two-hour movie. I struggled to decide which episode to place on this list however I ultimately decided to place this one because of its slightly higher stakes.

10. The Fosters: Season 4, Episode 1 - Potential Energy

Here The Fosters tackles the prominent issue of school shootings. It was captured in a way that sent chills down my spine, and I thanked God that I never experienced anything like that, and, honest to God, said a prayer that night that this madness stops. The brilliance of the episode is that it emphasised the shooter’s perspective too in a way that obviously didn’t justify the decision to bring a gun to school, but instead showed a range of variables that can lead someone to do this - therefore sparking conversations to potentially avoid such horror and danger. As with every single episode of The Fosters, it is simply a joy to watch Stef and Lena show their love for their kids and this episode in particular, when their lives are at risk, was heightened for the show and a damn joy to watch.

[earthconstructs]

Blog

I started a blog in July 2017, paid for a domain, did it up using Squarespace, made it super pretty. In 2017 I started focusing on improving my writing, and in my goal for 2018 was to become a better writer. 

In November 2018, I finished working at the Water Corporation after I had documented the “Kep Project”. My manager was acting in another manager’s role, and so an acting manager ended up signing off on my final report. I put a lot of effort into that report, I spent many evenings alone in the office trying to figure out if it was laid out well, clear to people who may be coming across the topic for the first time. I wonder if anyone will actually read it, or has, in the last two years.

The acting manager who was reviewing my report was known to be a stickler for detail, call out bad quality work, and be quite picky. She read my report, signed it off, and gave me feedback that it was written really well. And that was it for me - I had achieved my goal of being a being a better writer / writing better reports.

It’s funny how I needed the paid domain and blog back when I was working full time, and had a lot going on in my life, to motivate me to write. if I didn’t, then it would be like I was wasting the money I’d spent on it. 

But now it’s a huge expense. So I’m closing the blog, and keeping this free brain dump version of a blog. Where I just brain dump, without being strict on myself, and reading every post over and over and over again for fear of being judged by my friends - the only people who read it anyway. 

Finishing here with a copy-paste-dump of the 4 blog posts I wrote from July 2017 to April 2018. 

30 July 2017 - I am an engineer

I am an engineer trying to figure out my place in helping to make the world a better place for everyone to live in. I became a mechanical engineer because I liked understanding how stuff works. But recently, I've realised that a big part of the stuff I am interested in is how people and the world work to create this life that I am living. I am always learning, so this blog is my attempt to capture some of it, so that I can refer back to it later, and to hopefully share something new with you as well.

 30 July 2017 - My first visit to Kalgoorlie as a guest speaker

WASM Wall by Jason Dimer

OK, I’ll admit it, when I saw a request come through EWB* channels for a female engineer to present at the GEMIA* Girls and Guys Exploring Mining Forum, in Kalgoorlie, I jumped at the opportunity!

There were a couple of reasons why:

As a female engineer and EWB volunteer, I am passionate about inspiring students, especially female students, to pursue careers in STEM* fields as I believe these fields nurture the critical thinking so needed in our current world, and that increasing the number of females with careers STEM fields is one of our quickest paths towards gender equality

I had heard a lot about Kalgoorlie, but had never been there myself. I believe that the best way to learn about a place is by visiting, experiencing, immersing and talking to the locals (spoiler alert, I spent a lot of time doing this in my one and a half days there)

Everything we do at Engineers Without Borders links to one of the Aims from our 2020 Strategy. Speaking at events such as this Mining Forum for Year 9-11 high school students in Kalgoorlie fits into our aim to redefine engineering, specifically: “We will redefine engineering as a community centred profession that provides leadership in the creation of a more sustainable and inclusive world”.

And that is what I had at the front of my mind as I was putting together a presentation covering my career in engineering to date, my work as an Engineers Without Borders volunteer, and the concept of humanitarian engineering - with the aim to engage and inspire teenagers!

I wanted to share some examples of humanitarian engineering with the students, and luckily Sheena Ong, our ex EWB WA President and creator of the documentary “The Humanitarian Engineer", allowed me to include video clips of snippets from the documentary. I chose three examples that I thought conveyed the message of humanitarian engineering and appropriate technology concisely:

Rob Hughes, EWB field engineer, on developing biodigesters in Tonle Sap, Cambodia

The installation of Playpumps in Africa

Darren Lomman, Dreamfit founder discussing examples of equipment design or modification to make them accessible for people with disabilities

For each of the above examples that I showed the school group, I asked them three questions:

Did it address disadvantage?

Did it use science or technology?

Did it consider the community or persons’s needs in the design process?

After running through the second definition of humanitarian engineering covered in the documentary - humanitarian engineering is engineering that puts human well-being at the centre - I asked the students if I was a humanitarian engineer.

The questions I asked were answered by the students with a combination of murmurs of yes, and cocked heads. When I queried the teachers about this later, they said it was because this was not a topic that they had heard of before. I hope that I helped them to think about what engineering is, and that it can be related to more than the gold mining happening just up the road from Kalgoorlie town centre.

I like to think that I succeeded; later in the day one of the students asked me:

If I could be any kind of engineer, what would it be?

EWB = Engineers Without Borders GEMIA = Goldfield Education Mining Industry Alliance TEM = Science, technology, engineering and maths

Lemon Scented Gum at the Mt Charlotte walk trail and waterwise garden

Mulla mulla overlooking the superpit

Amok Island - 58 Egan St Kalgoorlie

21 August 2017 - Diversity and Inclusion

I had a really good weekend. I had back to back appointments and catch ups from Friday to Sunday night, and like the good extrovert that I am, it left it me feeling happy, stimulated and productive.

Which brings me to Monday night. I’m writing this during my first free moment, after my first day back at work since getting home from two weeks leave (while half watching the latest episode of Rick and Morty with my domestic partner). Anyway, I'm here to write about the Engineers Without Borders Humanitarian Day Gala, which I attended last Friday night.

On this night we heard from three speakers - Pete Baynard-Smith (Engineers Without Borders CEO), Suzanne Brown (Water Corporation Drainage and Liveable Communities Manager), and Fadzi Whande, social justice advocate and inclusion and diversity adviser.

And while I loved hearing about Pete and Suzanne's experience and work, I'll admit that I learnt the most from Fadzi, from a diversity perspective. I do not know many (any?) women from Africa, or much about diversity and inclusion in the workplace, other than it is important.

There are two points that Fadzi shared which have stuck with me. The first is the analogy she used about diversity and inclusion:

Diversity is being invited to a party, inclusion is being invited to dance.

The second is - The are six steps towards diversity and inclusion in our life and in the workplace are:

1.      You

2.     You

3.     You

4.     You

5.     You

6.     You

What a great way to emphasise that, as with pretty much everything in life, the most important thing I can do is to focus on myself, and what I myself can do or change.

By saying this, I understand that Fadzi means that to work towards diversity and inclusion, we need to start by changing our own circle, recognise that we are mainly surrounded by people that we are used to, and that a way to change this is by changing our own circle, and getting out of our comfort zone.

Hearing this motivates me, as I partly feel that I am on track because I already do this - by going to events I haven't been to before, where there is an opportunity to learn something new or that are attended by people outside my usual circle.

However, I appreciate my circle a lot. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many smart and admirable friends.

People who:

value logic and data*

are open minded

who have  taught and helped  me see so much of what I understand today

who recognise that we can't assume that we know someone's whole story

(and people who can explain to me what unconscious bias is because they are studying a Masters of Psychology - hopefully you'll get a guest post from that friend soon!)

Thank you Fadzi, Pete and Suzanne for sharing your words and experiences at EWB WA’s Humanitarian Day Gala, and to the special, like-minded people who I got to spend time with on Friday night. You all keep me inspired.

*On Data - I need to figure out my thoughts around data, perception, and community development. On one hand I believe, as Fadzi said on the night - data doesn't lie - and on the other hand, I believe in human centred design - that a community knows what they need, and what the statistics show may not always be what the community needs. I want to figure out which thought applies in what contexts If you have any ideas or information about this, please let me know!!!

9 September 2017 - Chasing Coral

Well, you know they've done a good job with a film when they can make you cry about coral.

CORAL BLEACHING FEBRUARY 2016 AT HERON ISLAND, PHOTO COURTESY THE OCEAN AGENCY / XL CATLIN SEAVIEW SURVEY

But films like this leave me feeling like I'm not doing enough about the ocean's temperature rise. That being vegan isn't enough; I'm still driving an internal combustion car, I don't have solar panels, I'm not putting enough pressure on our Australian government, and not having enough conversations about this with my peers.

I haven't been keeping up with the news much since I got back from a 2 week holiday to WA's North West. Today on triple j's 3pm news, I heard that the Nationals are having a federal conference where NSW and Queensland will present motions to phase out renewable energy subsidies and support the development of the coal industry.

They will also move to resist the determination of environmental groups "to disrupt and impede the progress of this important industry".

I'm just in disbelief. How can they not understand that this is going backwards? How can they not care about the damage that has already been done?

Maybe I need to find myself an opinion piece written by a member of The National party, so that I can try to understand where they are coming from.

Coal is the most polluting way to produce electricity. There are other options. We need to implement them. It seems so simple, what am I missing?

I'm going to The Great Barrier Reef in November. I hope that I won't be too saddened by what I see, and that I get to have some conversations with locals. As I've mentioned in a previous post - learning by immersion.

I'll end this depressing post with an infographic made by the Chasing Coral team, and the fact that I need to stock up a reef-friendly, oxybenzone-free sunscreen, now that summer is one season closer!

2 October 2017 - Experts (I am not one)

I’m writing this as I am watching the sun go over a hill in the distance at Roelands Village, just outside of Bunbury. The hill is known to Les, the director of Woolkabunning Kiakaand his ex-Roelands mission peers as “Bunbury Hill”. It might also be the hill where he pointed out their traditional-spear-watchmen-shaped tree out to us earlier today. Anyway, it’s f*cking blissful as you can see in the photo below, which does it no justice.

I’m here at the ex-Roelands mission for the annual Engineers Without Borders strategy retreat. This year I agreed/volunteered to feed all 20 attendees over the two day weekend. I wasn’t really looking forward to it – but saw it as an opportunity to challenge myself! As well as cooking in the kitchen, I got to take part in the sessions put on by the president, vice president and some other long time volunteers. In one of the sessions, we defined inspiration, which is actually really hard to do!

I was talking to a good friend of mine in the car as we were driving down. I think it was actually the same trip 3 years ago where we first began our deeper conversations about feminism, people, psychology and ethics. This year marks our 10 years of friendship, which for some reason I find a pretty crazy fact (the 10 years part, not the friendship itself). One of the many topics we covered in the two hour drive was - blogging about topics which we are not an expert in. I concluded that for me, this blog is my way of collating and sharing topics and solutions that I come across and am learning about, but is not me speaking as an expert. I hope that by my sharing information and resources, I am supporting the good work that is being carried out by others. There is so much happening around the world; something in place to address nearly every single issue that exists. I just want to keep track of, and share them all! I also hope that this becomes a way for me to hear about interesting work that I might not already know about.

So, you know how I mentioned that I wanted to find a marine friendly sunscreen, after watching Chasing Coral and realising that corals are actually very delicate creatures, and that chemicals in sunscreen are harming them? Well, I did a bit of research and found a couple of brands. One of them is Stream2sea, but as they are an American company, I was on the hunt for something a bit more local. It wasn’t too hard to find – Surf Lifesaving Australia sell a sunscreen where proceeds from sales supports surf lifesaving training and development programs around Australia. They even listed that this sunscreen was in a recyclable aluminium can instead of plastic and I thought, “Even better, it's plastic free - at least when aluminium gets recycled it doesn’t become a lower grade product like in the case of plastic.”

But then when it arrived, in a standard post plastic bag, it was further packaged like this.

How ironic, an item marketed as being marine friendly, wrapped in an item that is widely known as causing enormous damage to the environment, especially marine environments.

When I complained about this in the Zero Waste + Plastic Free Living Perth, WA group on Facebook, Darren Lomman told me that almost all items in the health and beauty aisle in supermarkets comes transported like this. Why? I don’t know enough about wholesaling and packaging to be able to answer that. But it just looks like such as juxtaposition to me:

Marine friendly                                                                                  

                                                                                                                            Plastic

So now that I am done complaining, I need to write a letter Surf Livesaving Sunscreen, to ask them about the irony of this situation. I’m unsure if this will change anything, but at least I will have tried. I suppose the other approach is to accept that it needs to be packed like that for a reason (which I hope I find out when they reply), or do something about the packaging that has already been used and is here to stay in our environment now.

Enter Greenbatch. (Remember how I spoke about interesting projects above?)

Greenbatch is Western Australia’s first PET plastic reprocessing facility. It is founded by a guy called Darren Lomman, who studied Mechanical Engineering at the University of Western Australia (like me!). Darren recently handed over the reigns of Dreamfit, an organisation he founded that designs equipment for people with disabilities). He is now using his engineering and entrepreneurial background to establish a plastic processing facility, with the aim of reprocessing 100 million bottles by 2025, preventing them going into landfills, oceans and waste incinerators. Plastic processed through Greenbatch will be turned into 3D printing filament for schools to build and create with.

You can support this amazing social enterprise by:

-          Telling your friends about Greenbatch

-          Giving them a donation

-          Getting your local school involved

They are also holding a free community event at Perth City Farm on Wednesday 18 October. This event will give us the opportunity to learn from experts in the fields of sustainability, education, marine conservation and plastics recycling.

The experts will share what WA is doing about waste and recycling and ways that it can be improved, and talk about initiatives currently underway solving waste problems and how you can get on board and be a part of this sustainable change.

For more info, or to register your spot at this event click here.

I hope to see you there, and if you can’t make it, stay tuned for a summary of the event here on my blog :)

13 April 2019 - Work, Life and Balance

Well, it's been 6 months since my last post. I can remember the last 6 months so clearly, though it feels like they passed in a blur. I have felt so much anticipation in the lead up to big events that I had been excited about for months or years; 18 months of anticipation before getting married, 7 months of awaiting Kep's arrival in Perth, and two and a half years of looking forward to moving to Europe.

Kep's arrival... I'll give some background before I continue.

Kep is Water Corporation's leak detection dog. She's the world's first dog to be trained solely to detect underground water leaks, using only the scent of treated water alone, as a cost effective way of leak detection in areas where it is difficult and costly to perform leak detection via the usual methods.

In August last year, after I lead a successful trial with two experienced detection dogs, I learnt that I would be the project manager of a project to acquire Water Corporation's first leak detection dog. I worked together with the dog trainer, Steve Austin, to select a working English Springer Spaniel puppy, who we named Kep*. She began training with Steve in Sydney, and her delivery date to Western Australia depended on her physical and mental maturity. On her arrival in Perth, I would also complete training to become her primary handler.

From August to November, as well as working on water source planning projects as part of my substantive role, I spent a lot of time detailing options for the implementation of a detection dog into Water Corporation's business, including all required logistics  for the transport and care of the working dog.

After getting married in Perth and honeymooning to the Great Barrier Reef at the end of November, December passed in the usual holiday-period way - fast. In January, I spent every spare moment during the weekends doing the things I love - camping, hiking, scuba diving, going to the beach, seeing friends, teaching piano and learning new things (surfing!!!). February was spent preparing for Kep's arrival, and I also fit in a trip to Melbourne where I presented at the Australian Water Association Young Professionals conference, and caught up with dear friends (some human, some furry).

And then, it was the end of February and the end of summer! I spent 3 weeks being a new dog mum and handler, before I handed Kep over to her other handler so that I could fly off for a 4 week trip to Europe,, where I have been since the end of March.

I had never been so excited for a holiday before; usually I would feel excited about going to explore new places and eating new food. This time, I just needed a break badly.

For the first time in my working life, I had felt...stressed.

In the lead up to, and in the 3 weeks after Kep's arrival, I had been featured in workplace internal communications, been on TV multiple times, and presented at an Engineers Australia Young Innovative engineers presentation.

I felt like everyone within Water Corporation, and a lot of members of the public, knew about my project, and I was very aware of the two most common attitudes of people when they heard about my project:

- You have the best job ever, how did you get it?!

- Will it really work, is it really that effective?

Both attitudes make me feel slightly guilty about how much I love my job at the moment, and how good I have it, in different ways.

It wasn't until both the dog trainer's program manager and my CEO's personal assistant had asked me - "How are you going with all the pressure?" - that I realised that it was normal to be feeling how I was. Once they asked, it made sense - I was experiencing what I was because my project was in the public eye.

Through my experiences in the last few months, I've learnt a lot more about myself and become better at dealing with pressure. By this I mean I am better at controlling how I feel internally, as apparently it doesn't show on the outside. What I also now know, is how it feels to be excited and invested in my work every day. The last 6 months have made me realise how much I enjoy working on new, exciting, and never-been-done-before projects.

The answer I gave to a student's question in Kalgoorlie has also stuck with me. I still think about working on plastic reprocessing, and ocean clean ups. And my next career goal is to have a bigger impact on issues that I care about. As my time away from Australia is wrapping up, for now, I'm starting to think about how I want to spend my time when I am back in Perth. As well as the busy project schedule awaiting me for the implementation of Water Corporation's leak detection dog into the business, there are still many issues that I want to delve into and learn about in more detail. And I'd like to get better at balancing work, exercise, diet and reading/learning.

For me, this post reflects on and captures a certain point in my life - the feeling of wired-excitedness for what will come next in my life and career.

*Kep

Kep was named after the Noongar word for water, which was selected in consultation with Noongar elders and the Water Corporation's Aboriginal Affairs team, and was the winning name in a Facebook poll with the Western Australian community where 7 000 people voted.

You can view more about Kep here:

Kep's Water Corporation page

Kep on Channel 9 News

Kep on GWN News

[stardustandheart]

GRADUATING COLLEGE

[personal]

‘What she tackles, she conquers.’

-Richard Gilmore,  Gilmore Girls, Season 6, Episode 5

wow. it's been a while. hello, my lovelies. i'm back. life is crazy.

this is me. i graduated college. yep, nbd. oh, and i LOVE Gilmore Girls.

i can't believe it. i can't believe I'm done. your girl got a Bachelor's Degree in 3 and a half years baby! just how she planned it. i get shit done because i'm a boss!

it's just crazy. it feels surreal. just like that- it’s all over. as all of my friends are getting ready to go back to class, i feel like i too should be getting ready for classes, but instead i am sitting here in awe (still) at the fact that i am done and ready to start my future as a complete adult living on my own and working!

yes, working. because I got a job. and i couldn't be happier. because, not only did i just get a job fresh out of college, but i got my DREAM job with a GREAT company. in just 3 days, i will set off to Phoenix, Arizona to begin my adventure of becoming a flight attendant, something that i knew i wanted to do since i was 5 years old. it's all happening.

okay, that's it. that was my moment to brag. but no more.

lemme tell you something. a lot, and i mean, A LOT, can happen in 3 and a half years. 3 and a half years is a long time. and whoa, i am completely different than i was back then. lemme tell you that straight up.

college is...awesome. and i don't mean awesome in the way that that word is commonly used (like "cool"). i mean awesome as in full of awe. 

it's a crazy concept, right? at the age of 18, many of us go off to a new school (often in a new city/place) to study for at least 4 years. but, if you think that getting an education/getting a degree is the main point of college, you are wrong.

think about it. we are basically thrown out there into the big, big world, after being sheltered all of our lives. it's like a survival game. it's literally a real-life survival game. and that's exactly what it felt like for me. when i first started college, everything felt so big and scary...but...it soon became comfortable.

i would argue that college is THE most important phase in someone's life. it is where we uncover the completely different side to us that we have had covered all of our lives. the freedom to be on our own enables us to think for ourselves and to make our own choices. it is where we do THE most learning. mistake after mistake, we eventually learn and we come to our own definitions of the meaning of life and what our own personal missions are in this lifetime. it is where our core values, beliefs, and perspectives are redefined and where we make the friendships that will last forever. the most beautiful thing of all? we create our own reality of the world in which we live in.

college is a beautiful time. whether you agree or not, it is what it is. and, it's beautiful. it's beautiful because it made you who you are. but, unlike everything else that happens in your life that makes you "who you are," college is special because of one thing: freedom. the freedom to look around you, the people, the places, the activities, and to think, "this is my life to make. i can take what i want here, take some over there, and i can combine it in my own beautiful way."

you feel me?

what i mean to say is, throughout my college experience, i loved the fact that i could just look around and think my own thoughts and make my very own choices, without anybody to tell me how to do anything. it was...exhilarating.

i loved college. every minute of it. even though a lot of it was really shitty. the reason i say i loved it all is because it was all just a part of my growth process.

i was fortunate enough to attend a beautiful campus that i seriously adored. i loved my environment. although i wasn't necessarily ecstatic about the energy and the vibes coming off of people around me a lot of the time, i created a beautiful aura for myself that i loved. it was like this beautiful personal little bubble around me that came with me everywhere i went. i created my own reality. life is what you make it.

i started watching the gilmore girls series on Netflix in the Fall of 2014 (the semester i began college), and was still watching it up until my last semester, this spring. no, i wasn't still trying to finish it, i had been re-watching the entire series for a second time. and, it's a lot. 7 seasons. episodes are 40 minutes each. why? because i love it and i'm obsessed. that's why, uhm duh. if you've never seen Gilmore Girls, you cray. no, i'm just kidding, but seriously. watch it. i absolutely adore this show and every time i even close my eyes to think about it, so many feelings of warmth and happiness come because i also associate it with my love, Chris, as we started talking and getting to know each other at the time. for me, Gilmore Girls is more than just a Netflix show. i lived vicariously through those girls, and i loved it. it is sweet, homey, and funny. there's romance too. i love it. there is nothing but positivity and love when i think about what that show means to me. it was a lifestyle, not just a TV show.

this quote means a lot to me, as it involves words that apply to my own self. i am an overachiever, i always do my best to go above and beyond when i am placed in a situation where i am given the opportunity to do so. that is my nature, and i am similar to Rory (who is one of the characters in the show) in that manner. going above and beyond is the only way in which you will get noticed. stand out. you'll see why in the future. and, you will thank yourself for it.

so, what did i do in college? besides party? haha, no seriously. i mean, we do go to college to study a degree of interest. as for me, i decided to pursue a Bachelor's in Communication with a concentration in Communication Studies and a Music Minor in Voice, so i could keep music under my belt.

i fell in love with my major. contrary to popular thought, the field of communication is a very fascinating one and opens the door to many careers. since i am a strong believer of communication being one of the most powerful forces in our known universe, i advocate strongly for the field and i defend it passionately. i absolutely loved going to class and learning more and more about this art every single day that i attended class. the choosing of this major (as well as the combination of my majors) did not come easy, however. a lot of discernment went into my decision. and when it felt right (you just know), was when i made my decision and made it official on paper.

i met my sweetheart, my love, Christopher, in college. we've been together for 3 years now. so. crazy. that in itself is a great plus about my own college experience. it may be the same case for some of you as well, and well, you know exactly what i'm talking about.

there are those college graduates who were involved in a hundred different clubs and organizations, sororities/fraternities, and such. there are those who got to do more fun stuff, like going on a cruise or traveling outside of the country. then, there are those who had it even "worse" than i did. i put that word in quotes because everything, and i mean everything in life is all about perspective. from the outside, people can judge somebody's college experience and say it was "bad," but to that college graduate, it might have been the best time of their lives. or, if it wasn't, they have learned to accept that they still wouldn't trade it for anything because it was all a part of their story. they trusted the process. sure, i could have had a "better" college journey (call it what you will). i could've traveled more, gotten a nice, new car, etc... but, i wouldn't trade my experience for anything in the whole world. why? because it was mine, all to call my very own and nobody else's.

SO. my overall message to you beautiful souls today?

freedom. seek it. be HUNGRY for it. go get it.

create you own unique aura. make it beautiful, please.

always go above and beyond. be the fruit loop in the bowl of cheerios.

love everything.

trust the process.

life is what you make it. make it great.

XOXO- jami

[eloarei]

Tagged by @chocochipbiscuit to post my current WIPs. Thanks, Choco! (lol this is going to be self-indulgent and painful XD;)  (As with Choco, I also have more bits and blobs and ideas than I know what to do with, but I’ll focus on the ones that have a remote chance of ever getting finished.)  Active WIPS (I have at least opened the document in the past month and I honestly intend to finish them this year.)  In order of recently modified: OP CM BB -- "One Piece, Cobymeppo, Beauty&Beast" I mean, it's kind of what it says on the tin: it's vaguely a Beauty and the Beast AU. (Factoid: this is at least the 3rd or 4th fanfic I've written based on friggin' B&B. It's my favorite fairytale and I'm weak.) Currently at 12.5k (when did that happen?!) out of, I dunno, 18k? I honestly never intended to write this. It just sort of happened-- and kept happening, which is the weird part. I'm liking it though. Factoid #2: there are a lot of dogs in this fic. JD LLW -- "Jak and Daxter, Love Like Winter" 100% inspired by the AFI song, I won't lie. I've been meaning to write this for at least 7 years. I have a lot of thoughts and headcanons about the Jak and Daxter series, and this incorporates my hardcore favorite: Daxter is a Precursor. It also uses a couple tropes I love: reincarnation cycles, and fated lovers. As with any song, I can't say what it's actually supposed to be about, but I always heard it as the story of, well, reincarnation and fated lovers. "I met my love before I was born", and then switching between he, she, and then back to he. The story became very vibrant in my head! And this format especially allows me the opportunity to explore Jak/Keira as well as Jak/Daxter, because while I'm not a huge fan of Jak/Keira, I don't like just ignoring canon if I can avoid it. Currently at 7k out of... maybe 20k? It was supposed to be a lot shorter, but I'm only on chapter 1 out of 3, so less than 15k is probably not happening. Factoid: I think a lot of people only know this series second-hand, so I feel the need to mention that Daxter does, in fact, have a human form. XD FO4NV -- "Fallout 4, Nick Valentine" A very creative document name! XD; The story will probably eventually be titled "Same Heart" unless I come up with something better. It's a Fallout4 AU(ish) centering around Nick having been recaptured by the Institute, getting a memory wipe, and then living there during the years when Shaun is being raised there. Eventually, he and kid-Shaun break out to explore the Commonwealth and try to find Shaun's parents. I swear it'll be a Nick/Nora story if I ever friggin' get to that part, but right now it's mostly a Nick&Shaun story. Currently at 30k out of, I dunno, 70k to 100k? It's on chapter 7 out of 17, I think. I have this one planned out pretty well chapter-by-chapter, so of all my fics it has the best chance of actually happening. (Aside from the length, which sort of counts against it. It was supposed to be shorter, but I apparently couldn't shut up.) I'm thinking about focusing on this one for my NaNoWriMo, since it has about 50k left to it. Factoid: I get more emotional about parental relationships than I do about romantic ones, despite the fact that I LOVE romance. Stories I write about parent-child relationships always end up being my favorite. BttF On Track -- "Back to the Future, On Track" The only one I've actually started posting. I feel bad because I meant to continue writing this through December and January, but I got lazy and distracted, so it didn't happen. The season is just about right to jump back into it though (Fall is a more BttF season for me), so I HOPE to finish it this year. Currently at 18k (holy shit, seriously?) out of probably 30k. Chapter 3 (out of 6 well-planned chapters) is aaalmost done, but I might have to go reread some of IrisBleuFics stuff to get back into the mood of it. (Or maybe Rae's or Edgebug's.) Factoid (actually a question) : does anyone else have seasonal fandoms? Inactive WIPs (there are lots of these, so I'll put them under a cut for you. Still, these are only the ones I’ve worked on in the past year. Again, from most- to least-recent.) 

HP GOtG -- A silly Harry Potter/Guardians of the Galaxy fic I have like a page of. I was mentally explaining the concept of fanfic to someone and this... happened.

HPCM Ways to Live -- Another One Piece Cobymeppo fic, and AU (or UA) about if Luffy had never met Coby in ep.1 and skipped right over to kick Morgan's ass in Shells Town. tldr Coby and Helmeppo become pirates.

FFXV parents AU -- I was REALLY into this one for a while, got a couple thousand words and a good plot outline on it. It's Final Fantasy 15 AU (or, as usual, a UA) in which Noctis is only a baby when the empire attacks, and teenage Ignis and Gladio have to run away with him, and end up raising him on their own. I 100% intend to finish this one, but it's not top priority at the moment.

A modern prometheus -- A magical-world retelling of Frankenstein. Probably gay.

FO4 WFM-- "Fallout 4, Waiting for magic" On the day the bombs drop, Nora's husband is still at war, while she's several months pregnant and working on her legal cases from home. Her friend Nick Valentine has come to give her some documents and check on her when they're suddenly ushered into the vault and frozen. AKA the romantic adventures of Nick and a heavily pregnant Nora out in the Commonwealth. (Inspired by an Ace of Bass song)

Fo4 Sky-- "Fallout 4, Skyrim" Basically a riff off the previous story, but not the same at all, somehow. Set in Skyrim, Nora is essentially sleeping beauty. Wait. Snow white? Er, yeah. Magically frozen in a coffin, yeah. 

MEA Avi -- "Mass Effect Andromeda, Avi: a sci-fi ghost story" REALLY thought I was gonna finish this one, but I got distracted from MEA altogether. The story of Avitus Rix and his SAM unit, which has begun to think it is the late Macen Barro, its previous owner/partner, and Avitus' longtime boyfriend. Still can't decide how sad I want it, but it'll be pretty gloomy even if I go with a happy ending.

DCo side story AU -- A modern mini-fic about my DamselCo characters going on a double date, except Addisson and Hunter are both late so it's just Ellery and Isabelle being kind of awkward.

FFXV Dear Fellow Traveler -- AU, Prompto was raised in Niflheim and meets Noctis and the others on their (very long, winding) trip to Noct's engagement. Promptis, no war.

FFXV mermaid AU -- More Promptis. Noctis fishes up mer-person Prompto. They have adventures. Ignis has to go looking for Noctis later and meets mer-person Gladio.

OW Sagittarius  -- Eheh, posted the first chapter of this in January and then just gave up. XD;;;; I feel so bad. An Overwatch teenage McHanzo AU, where Jesse is a centaur sold into slavery to the yakuza. Trained by the Shimada clan, he falls in love with the heir, Hanzo, who then helps him escape. Many years later, they meet again in Overwatch. I have a GOOD plot outline for this, so I really have no excuse for not finishing it. It's on the to-do list after the first few.

FFXV Firstborn son -- Question: is a person still consider a trans-person if they're born female, but both raised as and identify as male (because patriarchal bullshit)? If so: trans-Noctis, Promptis fic.

FFXV Mirror Sword Shield -- Yet another FFXV AU, obviously inspired by that one Coldplay song that I love. Hundreds of years ago, Noctis defeated the darkness, but was sealed away inside the crystal, only to return when he needed to do it again. Prompto, Ignis, and Gladio have trained as his guardians all their lives, for the slim chance that he does return. (I really like this idea, but if I write this one, it'll only be after I finish the other FFXV fics.)

OW BB -- Guess what? Another "Beauty and the Beast" fic, Overwatch flavored. Except it's really more like, "the beast and also another beast". McHanzo, of course, featuring a snarky dragon spirit that constantly taunts Hanzo about his guilt.

BttF Ashes -- Hot damn I gotta write this fic some day. I have a GREAT plot outline for it, following a chiptune song called Ashes. I love it, it makes me cry. It's a Back to the Future AU, about Doc dying when his house burns down. Years later, ghost-Doc teams up with Marty to finish the time machine, and then (spoiler alert) Marty goes back in time and saves Doc, pulling his corporeal self into the future ala The Mediator and they live happily ever after the end. XD

PacRim Redefined -- Another one I feel bad about, because I have posted most of what I have written, but I don't know if I'll ever finish it. It's a far-future semi-AU about Newt and Hermann. TBH it's one of my favorite fics I've ever written, but I'm a loser and can never finish anything. Hopefully next year??? I've got much of a plot outline, so.

Bttf Dino prompt -- Braincoins prompted me last year to write a fic about Marty and a dinosaur, and I started to! But then I had no idea where I was going with it, so I stopped a few pages in. ^^; I'd like to figure out an ending to it that isn't both boring and bleak.

Bttf Solving for X -- A series of short AUs about if either Doc or Marty (or both) were women. I'd like to maybe work on this one again sometime.

HxH AU Laughter Lines -- A Hunter x Hunter fic that makes me cry when I think about it XDXDXD Based on the Bastille song of the same name, it's an AU in which Gon is like... a tree nymph. A little hard to explain, it's a sad little Killugon fic, and it should be pretty short, so I ought to just sit down and write it one day.

BttF Thirst for Romance -- I love this idea! Why haven't I written it?! In his 30's or 40's, Marty is a nurse at a convalescent home/ hospice, where he meets Doc, who loves to tell wild stories. He tells Marty stories about adventures that the two of them had in the 80's and with time travel. Everyone assumes Doc is just very creative and lonely, and they love his stories. He and Marty become close, and when Doc passes away, he leaves his meager possessions to Marty, including a mysterious set of keys which unlock his old garage, and a strange old car inside... (Really want to write this one eventually!) (Based on the song of the same name.)

BttF Hell Valley -- A sad AU, taking place in the Hell Valley timeline from movie 2. Marty has run away from his abusive step-dad and finds himself living in Doc's garage. They're just two broken people trying to get by. Marty wants Doc to run away with him, someplace far away, but Doc has a better idea, if he can get it to work. (Inspired by the song Fast Car, the sad-sounding Jonas Blue version. "You got a fast car. Is it fast enough so we could fly away?")

BttF SG fusion -- and last and possibly least, yet another BttF AU, but a fusion with Steins;Gate, because time travel is not complicated ENOUGH, I have to make it WORSE. In this story, Marty is raised in the dystopian future with the goal of going back to the past to kill Doc Brown before he can create time travel. I liked the idea a lot, but to be honest I think I even confused myself with it. I'd sort of like to keep writing it, but it'll take a lot more effort than I can foresee me wanting to put in any time soon. Tagging: (if I can remember which of my friends write) um... @braincoins, @nomadsky, and, uh... I know that more of you are writers, so just... take it and pretend I tagged you! 

[linaje-bendito]

I have a question. I have never been in a relationship and I am a Christian. My parent's marriage wasn't great and they got divorced. I want to get into a relationship but I am scared to base on past experiences. I want a relationship with God first but how do you know it's the right person? Does God tell you in your heart? Sorry if this is a stupid question.

Hi :)

It´s not a stupid question, believe me. Don´t be afraid of asking me any question of any type you want. 

The Bible does not address how to find the “perfect spouse,” nor does it get as specific as we might like on the matter of finding the right marriage partner. The one thing God's Word does explicitly tell us is to make sure that we do not marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). First Corinthians 7:39 reminds us that, while we are free to marry, we should only marry those who are acceptable to God—in other words, Christians. Beyond this, the Bible is silent about how to know we are marrying the “right” person.So why doesn't God spell out for us what we should look for in a mate? Why do we not have more specifics about such an important issue? The truth is that the Bible is so clear on what a Christian is and how we are to act that specifics are not necessary. Christians are supposed to be likeminded about important issues, and if two Christians are committed to their marriage and to obeying Christ, they already possess the necessary ingredients for success. However, because our society is inundated with many professing Christians, it would be wise to use discernment before devoting oneself to the lifelong commitment of marriage. Once a prospective mate’s priorities are identified—if he or she is truly committed to Christ-likeness—then the specifics are easier to identify and deal with. First, we should make sure that we are ready to marry. We must have enough maturity to look beyond the here and now and be able to commit ourselves to joining with this one person for the rest of our lives. We must also recognize that marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness. Before marrying, a couple should study the roles and duties of a husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22-31; 1 Corinthians 7:1-16; Colossians 3:18-19; Titus 2:1-5; 1 Peter 3:1-7).A couple should make sure they know each other for a sufficient amount of time before discussing marriage. They should watch how the other person reacts to different situations, how he behaves around his family and friends, and what kind of people she spends time with. A person's behavior is greatly influenced by those he keeps company with (1 Corinthians 15:33). They should agree on issues such as morality, finances, values, children, church attendance and involvement, relationships with in-laws, and employment. These are areas of potential conflict in marriage and should be carefully considered beforehand.Finally, any couple considering marriage should first go to premarital counseling with their pastor or another trained Christian counselor. Here they will learn valuable tools for building their marriage on a foundation of faith in Christ, and they will also learn how to deal with inevitable conflicts. After all these criteria have been met, the couple is ready to prayerfully decide if they desire to be joined together in marriage. If we are earnestly seeking the will of God, He will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Also, I want to say you something. I can see how hurt you are. We all have a desire to love and be loved. We experience different levels of love from parents, siblings, friends, and others. But most of us also want to find that special someone we can share a deeper level of love with. Finding true love can seem incredibly difficult, and it’s often hard to understand why. A big question to consider first is, “what is my definition of true love?” Understanding what we mean by “true love” can help us see what we’re really seeking and why or why not it’s working.The world tosses around the word love very loosely. Love is often associated with intense feelings that, in truth, are self-centered and noncommittal. In so many movies and TV shows, we see characters who follow their hormones and have sex before marriage. When “love” is shallowly rooted in pleasant emotions or physical feelings, it turns off as easily as it was turned on. Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience good emotions toward the person we love; however, if that is the foundation of the relationship, the relationship is in trouble. If the kind of “love” we see demonstrated in today’s sex-saturated culture is what we’re looking for, no wonder it seems difficult to find; it’s not true love we’re after but an experience that, by nature, can’t last for long.The Bible gives a much different picture of love. True love is of God—in fact, He is love (1 John 4:8)—and He’s the One who put the need to love and be loved in us. Therefore, understanding His design for love is crucial. True love, according to the Bible, is rooted in sacrifice, commitment, and an impulse to benefit the loved one (see John 15:3). God’s love for us took Him to the cross. We know for certain that Jesus was not experiencing “happy” emotions on His way to the cross (Luke 22:42–44). The Bible describes our relationship to Jesus as that of a bride and bridegroom (Matthew 9:15; Ephesians 5:32). True romantic love is designed to lead to and grow within a marriage commitment (Genesis 2:24) and should be rooted in sacrifice (Ephesians 5:22, 25–28).Any number of things could make finding true love, according to God’s design, difficult. Here we will focus on a few big obstacles that we face:Thinking there is only one “right” person for us. This is a lie that can keep us fearful that we’re settling for less than the best. Waiting for one’s perfect “soul mate” to show up can be a long wait. Whomever we choose to marry becomes the “right” one for us, because we’ve made a lifetime commitment to that person. The Bible has narrowed the field: our true love must be a believer who is living for the Lord (2 Corinthians 6:14–15); beyond that, God will provide wisdom and discernment (James 1:5). Wise, godly people who know us well can also provide guidance in finding true love.Thinking that a person will or can fulfill us. Only God can truly fulfill us, so we don’t have to find romantic love to have a sense of fulfillment! None of us are perfect, and to expect another imperfect human being to meet every need is unrealistic, unhealthy, and can only lead to disappointment.Not being willing to change or grow. It’s easy to imagine the kind of person we would love to be in love with, but how much effort do we expend in becoming that kind of person ourselves? We all have our own issues that we must address with God’s help in order to be the kind of people He desires us to be. It can be tempting to think that finding true love will magically solve those issues. But being in a close relationship with someone will not fix our problems; it is more likely to expose them more. This can be a rewarding part of the relationship, as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), if we are willing to change and grow. If we’re unwilling to change, the relationship will be strained and could eventually be destroyed. This does not mean that every personal issue must be dealt with before we get married. Rather, we should get into the practice of asking God to show us what things need to be cleaned out of our lives (Psalm 139:23). As we become the people God wants us to be, we will be better suited for whatever relationships are in store.Thinking it’s too late to find true love. Finding true love and getting married is an important step and not to be taken lightly. A cautious step is better than a quick and reckless one. Three times, the Song of Solomon warns, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). God’s timing is always best.We know that God cares about our desire to find true love. When we fully surrender that desire to Him, we release the burden of trying to make true love happen ourselves (Matthew 11:29–30).Love is an essential quality of God, and He shows us in the Bible how real, true love works. Redefining love or trying to find it outside of God’s design is asking for frustration and disillusionment. Surrendering our desires to God, submitting to His will, and finding our fulfillment in Him are the keys to finding true love. “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

God bless you. Big hug.

[brentrogers]

8 Ways to Authentically Connect with Your Kids

What are you teaching your kids?

Being at home with your children under one roof can be challenging, but amidst a pandemic with the added strain can be really stressful!

How can you use this time to connect more authentically at home with your children in quarantine?

Here are 8 ways to slow down and connect with your kids at home.

1. Slow Down.

You’re probably feeling frustrated with reactionary emotions to a difficult situation. Slowing down and getting real with your emotions shows your kids how to be resilient.

The first step is making a distinction between worry and concern.

Sharing your authentic emotions from concern is different than reacting from worry. Your emotions show up when you’re willing to be vulnerable and a calming strength lives here.

Worrying causes:

Stress

Poor health

Low energy

Inability to “self-repair”

The impact of worrying creates fear and an inability to act because you’re in “reactive” mode.

Concern, on the other hand, accepts uncertainty, but instead of living from fear, you live from faith. You feel more cautious but can still move forward.

By getting in touch with your authentic emotions, you’ll express and release them from your body instead of letting them become toxic to you. Allowing panic and anxiety to control you isn’t helpful to push onto your children. You’re there to help manage their fears.

Concern seeks inner peace so you can find clarity amidst any chaos. Using your emotions gives your kids permission to do the same.

How to Raise Courageous Children: 3 Steps to Helping Kids Manage Anxiety

2. Pay Attention to How You Speak.

What you say when things go wrong has a deep impact on the way your children speak to themselves. Wander back to your childhood to a time when you messed up… Remember how you felt. What did you most need to hear?

Have the courage to say to your child what you wanted to hear, instead of responding with a lecture. Once emotions have subsided and you’re not in a reactive mode, respond by “sharing” what wasn’t working, not “telling” them what went wrong.

Do you know how hard your child can be on themselves when they’ve made a mistake and there’s punishment, silence, or a condescending look?

Do you understand how abandoned a child can feel when you turn your back on them with punishment or shame, instead of meeting them with compassion and understanding?

So much of the way children think and why they behave the way they do is hidden from you. Discovering what’s underneath requires listening and empathizing.

What you “tell” your children — even with good intentions — can cause them to shut down and feel unheard. If you’re getting resistance, that’s how you’ll know you need to rethink your words and overall communication style.

Notice your words, the tone you have, and your emotion (usually anger and frustration) — all of it will land as blame.

Check in with your own inner voice for how you speak to yourself. Is it patient and curious or harsh and self-critical? That’s the same voice your child hears.

3. Understand What Your Child Experiences in Media.

Your children aren’t just dealing with you, but the increasingly louder voices among peers and the media. Are you aware of the tone in the environment surrounding them?

Are the games they play, the shows they watch, or Instagram stories they follow more competitive and reactive, or respectful and non-judgmental?

How might what you watch and listen to affect what becomes acceptable in your home interactions?

The media leans toward dysfunctional drama and prefers negativity, because that’s what sells. There’s an insidious level of judgment, attack, and gossip that can creep in and appear normal.

When you can find media that’s meaningful and resonates with both you and your child, it’s an opportunity to have authentic conversations.

4. Redefine “Failure.”

Notice your reaction when your child messes up. Sure, you may be sad, frustrated, even furious, but what do you do with these emotions? Your child isn’t causing your emotions.

They don’t have the power to make you angry; you’re responsible for how you feel.

Children have a natural desire to please and not disappoint, but they need a safe space to stumble and fall so they can learn and grow. No one wants to mess up, so acknowledging their feelings, and you being present with their emotions is life-changing.

Here’s how to acknowledge:

“I notice you’re angry or upset.”

“I sense something’s not working for you.”

“I realize you need your space.”

“You seem sad or frustrated.”

Then… “Can you tell me what happened?”

Actively listen with curiosity from where they are, not from where you are. Your faith in them despite their failings allows them to show up authentically.

5. Stop Criticizing.

You want your children to believe, “I can do this,” but what they often hear growing up when they make mistakes sends a different message: “I’m not good enough.”

Do any of these questions sound familiar?

“How could you not know?”

“What’s the matter with you?”

“Why is this taking so long?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“What were you thinking?!”

These are expressions of criticism that form your child’s “inner critic” and create the fear of not being good enough early on. Criticism of a child’s behavior creates guilt.

What’s tougher are the expressions of judgment that form your child’s “inner judge.”

“How could you be so stupid?”

“So, if your friends do something, you blindly follow like an idiot?”

“That outfit makes you look _______ (fat, too big, silly, ridiculous…)”

“Stop crying like a baby! That’s nothing to be upset over.”

“You’re such a disappointment!”

It’s easy to justify criticism and judgment because you have your “right way” as a parent and believe you know better. Let that go.

Remind yourself that your child is your greatest gift and is trying their best to learn new things. What they need is someone who’s willing to listen to their world with patience, understanding, and compassion. They need common-sense rules and guidance.

Your “why” is the biggest piece missing for kids. Why do they need to care? What do you want them to understand? These are your values.

Contrary to popular belief, punishment is not necessary for children to learn a lesson. It’s taking the time to communicate what went wrong and why.

Criticism creates an invisible wall between you and your child. What will you share if there’s a fear of judgment or criticism? Not a whole lot.

6. Let Go of Expectations.

Children today feel enormous pressure because of the expectations to be happy and successful. Have you ever said, “You should be happy! Do you know what I had in my day?”

Today, there’s a mental-health crisis in children with increasing suicide rates, and many young people take pills or are in therapy, unable to cope with stress and anxiety.

You want the world for your children, and they feel like they have to deliver. Children want to please their parents. Expectations backfire to create a silent pressure for children to be more than what they can see in themselves.

Encouraging your children to try new things often runs into resistance. There’s a push into activities to “make them happy,” but is it working?

Finding the kinds of experiences that really light your child up requires you to slow down and pay attention to what they’re drawn to and encourage those things. That’s how they discover their passions.

Your first reaction comes from why something’s not working for you based on your expectations, but whatever a child chooses makes sense for them, so find out what that might be.

A Pediatrician’s Guide to Parenting & Protecting Kids During COVID-19

7. Build Trust.

Have you ever found yourself shouting at your child to stop yelling?

Have you ever sworn you wouldn’t repeat what you heard growing up? Yet there it goes flying out of your mouth in those high-stress moments.

When you take responsibility and apologize when you mess up, you’ll find your child one day apologizing without you needing to say a single thing.

You may think the parent role demands tough love, control, and authority, but clear guidelines mixed with kindness and compassion is so much more effective in the long run.

When you give children the freedom to explore their world with supportive guidance and fewer rules, you’re teaching them to think for themselves and make decisions.

Giving in to your children when they need you to be firm backfires because they learn how to manipulate you. They learn not to trust you because you are not trusting yourself.

You’ll be experiencing fewer temper tantrums and outright rebellion in the teen years by allowing your child to find their authentic self while making sure they’re safe and healthy.

8. Accept Your Child As They Are.

The idea of unconditional love can be a confusing concept, but it reaches the deepest part of how authentic you can be with your child.

Have you ever noticed the way your child drives you most crazy is the same trait you have? It feels like a part of them you don’t accept or like. If you’re stubborn, that stubbornness in your child is going to set you off.

Until you can look in the mirror and say, “I love and accept myself exactly as I am,” and integrate those parts of yourself, it’s hard to accept that in your child.

The way you struggle is exactly the way your child does. Until you own it with compassion, you’ll have a tough time connecting with the authentic part beneath.

This guest article was first published on YourTango.com: 8 Ways To Slow Down & Connect With Your Children At Home.

8 Ways to Authentically Connect with Your Kids syndicated from