#The world is a cruel and broken place 😢

[what-am-i-doing-in-this-fandom]

MY PENS NOOOO

[kyotakumrau]

2023.11.06 DIR EN GREY at CLUB CITTA

The beginning of the ending as Kaoru said.

The doors opened at 18:00, the start of the show was scheduled for 19:00.

The final sound check started 18:58 so it was certain the show won't start on time xD they were 14 mins late xD

The animated intro A book titled Phalaris opens and for a brief moment we see the text on the first page. Phalaris was always renowned as extremely cruel. (googling the sentence took me to Wikipedia, they actually simply copied the Wikipedia entry about Phalaris xD) In the intro Phalaris is portrayed as a parasite, changing it's forms one by one, from a larvae to an insect to a monster to a dragon to a brass bull, changing its hosts into something evil until they infect the next victims. The parasite growing inside their bodies into something grotesque and transforming them. A set of dice next to the book. Priests and prayers mixed with torture and dying girls, women. Is Phalaris a sickness of cruelty and hatred causing people lose their humanity? The members walked on the stage as the intro footage was shown on the front screen. They played Otogi as the images continued on the screen. The screen went down as Otogi ended.

Die had his fabulous hair and a black jacket with red stains. Shinya wore white shirt with silver decorations. Toshiya had a sparkly jacket with one sleeve only, shorts and long leather boots. Kaoru's hair was silver? grey? He had some kind od painting on his face but from my place I couldn't see properly what was it, like lines over his cheeks and forehead? (apparently he cosplayed Father Pucchi from Jojo😆) Kyo came wearing a black Adidas tracksuit, he removed the jacket a bit later on, staying in a white cotton tank top. He's growing a mustache or a goatee I think? His hair was parted and sleeked back a bit, not so much hair product to make it flat.

The set list was so interesting. The energy went up with the few following songs, then Oboro shifted the mood and finished with the Inward Scream. The sound/musical part of the inward scream was new. Kyo ended it with '壊れて・broken' cried softly. And after a brief pause they continued the set with The World of Mercy. The first line of 誰が知る？本当の私 本当の心 Kyo changed 'kokoro' to '意思・ishi' (intentions).

During Rinkaku's 'Minerva' we got to shout for him as he turned with his arms stretched to the sides.

The following flow with 13, keigaku, different sense and Eddie was so good! Kyo moved around his box to get fans to let go even more and give him more😁

The main set ended with Kyo leaving quickly. Fans were clapping and shouting encore. Btw we had to wear masks for this show but singing and shouting was allowed (so hot with a mask on😂)

Encore started with Increase Blue, very nice as Kyo got us singing and dancing. But when I heard the first notes of NATIONAL MEDIA BOYS I almost cried. I hoped they will do something as a tribute and they did😢❤️ Interestingly a lot of people didn't recognize the song and thought it was a new dir's song😂

TDFF and Rubbish Heap were pure 🔥 Toshiya climbed to the back of the stage so he stood at the bottom of the back screen, showing off his looooong leather boots and shorts.

Finishing with Kamui changed the mood drastically though. The footage matching the style of the intro started on the back screen. Some images of the war they used before but the main theme was different. A girl standing inside the sinking boat, the sea being so angry. Small group of people walking through a desert. A praying jew. A bible. A cross. A closeup of the chest of Christ, a trail of blood and next to it a trail of tears. So much death.

The footage ended with the tour title on the black background.

Kyo left very quickly after the song ended (usual for him, especially at the start of the tour). But Shinya did as well? Did I miss him throwing stuff or he really didn't? Die and Toshiya walked around the stage throwing picks, all smiley. Kaoru stayed the longest having fun spraying fans with water, then throwing those bottles into the crowd. I bet he was in the celebrating mood with Hanshin Tigers winning Japan Series. Before Kaoru left he pointed at the screen in the back to show there will be some announcements, waved and left :)

First we got 19990120 and then the special January tour info. We tried briefly for the second encore but the staff insistingly kept announcing that the performance is over so we clapped one last time and it was over.

[cherryeol04]

Sorry! Not a request or anything but a part of me really wanted to see what’ll happen if y/n never chose to come back to the pack in taking control around chapter 8 i think?

I’d love to see your own little what if scenario, like maybe y/n slowly getting emotionless to the point where they dont want to move. Her wolf slowing down and only wanting to sleep in all day, kinda like listless

Just a little thought cause your stories got me hooked up!! And thank you!

OMG Anon! You’re the worst for even putting this thought in my head! But I mean….since you asked…hehe 😏

So in order for Y/n to not have gone back to the pack, I actually went back all the way to chapter 3 of Losing Control. And I think I made Y/n just a little more broken than in the original story. I honestly absolutely hate myself for writing this! Ahhhh!!! 😭 😢

Let’s all take a moment and be glad that instead of this timeline, we have the original one!

Hope you enjoy the little drabble, my love!

TW: This is very sad and has heavily references to depression and loss of the will to live. If this is triggering to anyone, please skip it! Remember that your mental health is important! You are loved!

The pain you were feeling was worse than the last time you had left the pack. At least last time, it had been your choice. Not that you had wanted to leave them to begin with, but you had thought it had been the right thing to do. You had been the problem. This time was different. It wasn’t you that was the problem, but they all seemed to think it was. The way they stared at you - the hatred gleaming in their eyes, piercing your soul. It was something you probably would never forget.

You had honestly thought everything had been fixed. You were a part of the pack and bonding with everyone. There was so much love. But it seemed like you had been deceived. Everything you thought was real was nothing but a lie, because if they actually care for you then they wouldn’t have tossed you away so easily. It didn’t matter if Jisung was dying or not! You don’t just kick out someone you claimed to care about! A person that others put countless hours into making feel comfortable - going so far as to create a nesting room for them as well. This wasn’t how you were supposed to be treated!

And yet here you were, alone in a dark alleyway. No home, no money; just a bag with the little belongings that you owned and even then you couldn’t say they were yours. Sure, they had been given to you, but they weren’t yours. You had nothing that was truly yours. In a little less than a year you had lost your family, friends and now the only other place you could call home. As cliche as it sounded, it felt like the world was against you. Your happiness meant nothing to anyone and you were destined to just be alone.

It was probably best you were alone. As much as your wolf howled in protest, pacing anxiously, you knew it was true. Because you didn’t want to put yourself out there again to be hurt. As the saying goes “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Shame on me…

As day turned to night, you wandered the backstreets of the city that once was so warm and inviting, but now was a cold, cruel barren wasteland to you. You managed to find a decent looking group of people with a barrel fire that you could stay with to keep warm. It would have to be your home for now. Until you could find something better. If you could find something better.

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months and with each passing tick of the clock, you felt more and more mentally drained. Your optimism diminished quickly and left in its wake numbness. You stayed with the group all that time, occasionally scrounging for food to help pull your weight, but the more you thought back on your life and what it could be if only Chan and the other’s had actually loved you, the more hopeless you felt, to the point that sleeping on the grimy floor no longer bothered you. Instead, you laid there, listless - eyes seeing but not registering. You couldn’t feel the rest of your body and it felt almost as if you were floating.

You were just existing.

Your wolf had long since given up trying to motivate you to get up and go back to the pack. Its cries for Jisung finally dying out. In fact, your wolf had been silent for days now, motionless. A part of you wondered if it was possible to kill it. It seemed impossible, as it was an extension of you. It was who you were, a shifter. But what was a shifter without a pack? Or without a will to live at the very least?

Nothing.

You were nothing and they had proven that you.

As you closed your eyes, perhaps for the final time, you couldn’t help but hope that Jisung survived his attack and the pack was happy and healthy. Because while they may wish ill upon you, you only wanted the best for them. Because you still loved them.

You would always love them.