#Then my brother flunked out of college and probably can't get back in | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dzpenumbra · 2 years

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2/15/23

Things have been in a pretty steady decline lately. I'm sure it's pretty apparent in my writing. Today was especially difficult.

I'm just turning off a skate video I had on so I can focus on this. I should really get this out. I heard back from my old therapist, the one who worked with me the summer before the pandemic and bridging through the beginning and peak of it. He was very nice, thoughtful and kind in how he responded. But I did not process the response well. At all.

I'm still trying to think more positively, see the silver lining, all that. I really am trying. But there's something very deep and very... hurt... that got set off. Again. He's not going to help me. I swear to god, the most common phrase I've heard out of people in the mental health field over the past 5 years has been "I can't help you" or "I don't know how to help you". Can any of you just like... point me in the direction of someone who can?! I mean, it's not like... once you just walk away and say "sorry dude, I can't be your friend", or whatever they're saying to me... it's not like my problems just... disappear. It's like they expect me to just wake up someday and just... be a different person... who doesn't have the struggles that I have. That I'm just going to snap out of it and suddenly my life will just fall together.

So I try to be patient. I try to be proactive. I do my research, both internally and externally. I study. I learn. I strategize. But... what fucking good is my study, what good is my research and strategizing when I only have half a fucking picture?! I don't have perspective. And the fucked up part? Most people detest perspective. It usually sets them off. Critique, criticism, feedback, whatever phrase you want for it. Most conflicts I've witnessed involved this. I need perspective. And the whole fucking state is making me jump through hoops for this, not a single person is volunteering to assist.

Right now I'm referring to the ADHD screening, I can tell I'm being vague. Let me sum up the history here. Problems in highschool - ADD screening: positive. Got a diagnosis and a 504 plan. I was in special education for a fucking year, when my older brother was valedictorian, talk about humiliating. Flunk out of my first semester of college due to PTSD - ADD screening: positive. Got into a special education college which I promptly dropped out of because they tried to cram me in a dorm room with 2 other students, one of which brought his girlfriend over to stay the night on my first night there and... brought back even more trauma. And, on top of that, I got screened for ADD a third time back in... probably 2017 or 2018? And they never fucking gave me my results. I drove an hour to this medical building that was like completely empty, I sat in a silent room with someone and did this stupid test thing, and never got the fucking results. I was just so fed up at that point, I just gave up on it.

Now, 2023. And I can't get my current therapist, my former therapist or my brand new GP to just sit down for one fucking hour so I can either confirm this and start studying new skills... or cross it off the list and look deeper, try to understand how my trauma, depression and anxiety are creating these insanely disruptive barriers. I feel like all I do is just... wait. I just fucking wait for people to give me one hour of their time. And at that point, the pressure on me to make months worth of progress in one fucking hour is just... it's impossible. The pressure cracks me.

This may be hard for others to relate to, but this is something extremely familiar to me, try to imagine this. Imagine you are living 100% alone. That means no calls, no texts, no friends, no family. And your only social interaction is one 45 minute Zoom meeting. Per week. I doubt most people can even imagine that. Like... I don't even know how to catch others up on how much has even happened in that week in less than an hour, let alone talk about super important shit. And when all your social needs are condensed into one venue, it overwhelms people, it repels them. I swear, this shit is disastrous.

And I just feel really fucking lost and powerless. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I struggle so much with such simple things. I've been waiting for over 2 months to just... explore this possibility. And here I am.

My old therapist gave me the names of two places he could refer me to. Yeah, I know, after that tirade, right? Yeah. It'll make sense in a minute. There's a doctor in my area he can refer me to, but he doesn't know the guy personally. And... he can refer me to a Psychiatry place... that I used to go to 10 years ago. The place where my med problems all started. Where the floodgates were opened. And, being completely honest, just reading the name of that place just made me collapse in on myself. Like... wow... I'm literally exactly where I started. A fucking decade down the drain. For what?

Sounds like depression? Correct!

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tossed around for different people to study and pick apart and figure out what's broken in me and try to mold me into their ideal version of a human. I'm tired of trying so fucking --- I can't even let myself type it. Like I didn't even finish the thought and went "you could try fucking harder and you know it." Good lord. I'm so mean to myself. -_-

All of my life, all I've wanted was to make cool videos, or make cool music, or make cool art. For people. For friends. For people like me. For people who want to experience cool stuff. I want to share the interesting things I've learned, the unique perspective I have, the skills I've devoted countless hours to developing. I want to share my passions. And no one seems to want to share them. Not my friends, not my family, no one. No one even really seems to miss me when I'm not there. And that really just... it makes me feel... obsolete. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like there's something wrong with me. Like I'm not trying hard enough. Like I'm not good enough, interesting enough, attractive enough, in shape enough, funny enough. Like I am not worth seeking out. Like my contributions, my perspective, my self, are easily replaceable.

And the only venue I can think of to go to in a hail mary for social connection is basically just becoming a cesspool of advertisements, corporate shills and carbon copy fad-chasers. And the audience isn't much better, and they all seem very satisfied with what they are consuming. And I miss my people, man. I miss my fucking people. Because Twitch isn't my fucking people anymore. Call of Duty hasn't been my people since like fucking 2009. Minecraft hasn't been my people since they sold out to Microsoft and rebranded to target microtransactions to children. I just... I don't really know where my people are. Or how to find them. And honestly, I'm not even really sure entirely who my people are anymore.

There are some skaters I get along with, but we're a ragtag bunch and there are a lot that I don't. There were a lot of gamers that I got along with, but gaming got so fucking big that like... the title "gamer" could mean anything from a retiree to a high school jock. I could try to connect with fellow artists, but I honestly don't know how or where.

I guess I'm just scared. Scared of rolling the dice, after looking around at my friend roster and realizing that not a single one of them really cared that much about me, they just cared about how they felt when they were around me. How I made them feel. How I would visit them, and entertained them, and listened to them, and inflated their ego. And the second I asked them to get involved in my life in a meaningful way? KABOOM. Screamed at. Like I just cussed out the Lord himself. Not even exaggerating. It's so surreal looking back at it, like... I never really though people actually acted that way in real life. Even in the moment, I was like... "what are they misunderstanding?" "They can't possibly believe this is too much to ask..."

So yeah, all of this, all this shitstorm that's pouring onto the page right now, that's been swirling around in my head like a poison soup all goddamn day. And I have no idea what to do about it. And frankly, I'm ready to just throw it on a shelf and say fuck the mental health, I just wanna make cool beads for right now. So let me catch you up on what I did today.

I measured out a bracelet mala. The number of beads is symbolic, I guess it's derived from Buddhism, but also Hinduism (which is more of a collection of belief systems than an actual religion). Typically they are multiples of 9, the standard is 108, which I'm guessing my necklace is. I decided to try 27 out, to see how that worked length-wise. I had to downsize it to smaller beads but the size worked decently, it's just weird because since the cordage isn't elastic... I need to have it be big enough to squeeze over my hand, but not big enough to fall off. And it does, it fits pretty well and doesn't fall off, it's just very loose fitting. From there, I did a test bead. I did a black basecoat and some very basic opaque pink line work over it. From there, I did 5 layers of Mod Podge in about 30 minute intervals. Then I sanded it, which I think I fucked up a little bit by not wet-sanding it, unfortunately. I don't know why, I just had it in my head that like... if I wet sanded... the glaze was going to dissolve or something. Like... it better not... XD But I used water very sparingly in the rough sanding and I think I paid for it. So next time I'm going to do a 600 grit instead of 400 and I'm going to make sure I wet sand. But even with the slip ups, I brought it to a nice buff shine and it looks pretty good, it looks like it could be plastic. I think that's going to work nicely.

The next thing I need to figure out, which was baking my noodle (thanks The Oracle for getting that stuck in my head since the 90's), was how to get these beads on some kind of thing that stably rotates. Like a lathe, but... for painting. So I can get nice symmetrical equatorial lines. I'm giving up on longitudinal lines, I'll wing that shit, but latitudinal symmetry makes a very big visual impact and I'd really like to get that figured out. So, in my head, I'm picturing some kind of mount to fit a wooden dowel into. The wooden dowel needs to be the right size for the holes in these beads, enough to snugly fit and hold them. Then the dowel sits in the mount and I can put a crank on the other end of the dowel. The crucial part of that is that the beads do not move. Or... I can just continue to freestyle it. Either way.

I'm tempted to take another trip to Michal's and see if they have any kind of contraption like this. It would make my life so much easier. To paint that bead, I had to wrap a piece of paper around an eyelet screw, put the screw in the vice, and then flip the bead when it was time to do the other side. It... wasn't the most convenient setup. All in all, though, I've had some decent results from these past 2 days of bead medium tests. I'm excited to see what this culminates to.

I have also had a project in mind for my mom. I think it might actually be a really thoughtful and helpful thing for her. I got a bunch of garnet beads for her christmas gift that... never really got made. Fights and all that. I had all the materials, but... I just... it's really hard to make a gift for someone who is fighting with you, you know? So... the beads and the centerpiece just kinda sat there for months. And her birthday came and went and all that. So... I was thinking of making a small mala with them, with the intention of passing it along with some documentation on what they are for. I want to try to use mine to experiment with mantra meditation, prayer and all that, which is very new to me. But she may find use from this in a very practical way through... grounding. Hell, maybe I need one deliberately intended for that as well. The intention is to have every bead represent a breath and to track your breathing exercise with it. So I was just thinking, maybe I should split it. Do 9 garnets, then a... something different, maybe a wooden bead, to mark an interval. Then repeat that twice, but the last one is a distinctly bigger one intended to signify the end of the cycle. They call that the guru bead. So you can do smaller breathing sequences with it too, not just the big 27 breath one, which might be a tall order in the middle of a heated conflict or a busy workday or something. Or at least it might seem like one. But 9 breaths? I think we can all make time for that. And the tactile nature of it lets you keep your eyes closed and know where you are, and if you want to do another 9? Just keep going. The intention is to use the tactile, maybe even smell association(I read people will douse the tassel in essential oil sometimes), to bring awareness back to the present moment. Especially in a moment of acute stress or panic, overwhelm, whatever it might be. To take a second, breathe, let the rest go for a minute until you get to the wooden bead, then choose how you want to go forward with a clear mind.

The more I talk about this, the more I am making myself aware that I need to practice this more as well. I'm sure it's going to be glaringly obvious to me when I read this back, too. (edit: It is.)

Before I wrap up, I should mention. Today was really hard for me emotionally. It was a such lonely day. And it's mine. The most loneliest day of my liiiiiife. (sorry) I don't know about downstairs, because I can't hear them - though they can probably hear me, sorry... - but all of my other neighbors are couples. From about 5:30 on, I had happy couples in fuckin surround sound. And here I am. More alone than I've ever been. It just sucked. I even made cookies and it didn't make it better. So yeah. Just...

I've had like... maybe two decent Valentine's Days my entire life. I've had maybe 5 Valentine's Days where I was actually in a relationship in my life. And I'm a romantic. And, to be blunt, the women who received my generous romance, they didn't deserve it. And they didn't appreciate it. And they sorta... planted seeds in my head that it wasn't worth being romantic in those ways, that it will be undervalued and unappreciated. I'm really sad that I let myself walk away from those gestures. But I'm really glad that I'm no longer there. Because once I find my partner, they're going to get the most thoughtful, kind, loving gestures from me, with no reservations. Because if I feel I need to hold back those expressions, I must learn from my past relationships and really try to understand why. Why would I not want to shower them with my genuine affection? Because others took advantage of it, and didn't even want it? Or is it because I feel like my partner won't believe it's genuine? Or that they will reject it or find it overbearing? If those are the case, I'd need to address those immediately, because it might be incompatibility.

Good lord, even my fictional relationships are dysfunctional! <head in hands>

I need to find a good place to meet people like me, where I will feel comfortable and not utterly overwhelmed. I thought the internet was going to help with that, but it's changed so much over the past 5+ years. I don't know where the real people are anymore. So... I might have to just give up on that and brave the real world. Which seems more likely to bring me a solid connection in my life: a yoga studio, a weird witchcraft store, a zen center, a board game shop, a small coffee shop? I honestly don't know. But one of these days coming up, I'm going to try one. I mean it. I just need to cultivate the confidence, because my confidence meter is like an imperceptible sliver right now.

Good vibes to end on? I've been playing Rimworld offline. I haven't really let myself enjoy it because of that but... the main character got married, which made me really happy. I went to get my cookies out of the oven and the game is on No Pause Challenge, so it was just running without me, and I came back and Lissandra and Slick were getting married! It made me so happy. They both worked night shift together, it's how they met. She's a sanguophage, the revered holy leader of the colony, and he was a young former criminal refugee, who she has now given the gift of immortality. So basically, the high priestess and the janitor became lovers because he was a night owl and she's a vampire. So... I guess he won the jackpot as far as climbing the social ladder goes! They seem really happy together so far, and I'm very curious to see if they naturally try for kids or not (I'm very new to the new DLC mechanics) and whether the sanguophage (vampire) gene can be passed on through birth or only through gene conversion. I did lose my other starter colonist, Omni, she was such an amazing soul. She was a level 18 builder with a 12+ specialization in architecture, and... for a tribal... that's really goddamn impressive. It was a very painful loss. She got jacked by a cheetah doing field work, no one could get to her in time. It sucked. A lot. But, that's life, and we move on. Lissandra will plan a ceremony for her soon. And I quit right after getting an insane raid that did a shit ton of damage so my colonists are going to have a lot of cleaning up and mourning to do tomorrow. I chose to do Rimworld again because it's a game I can actually have play itself in the background while I do art. Not a lot of games work like that.

Alright, bed. Here's hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Maybe I can even get out into nature? Or to Michael's? We'll see.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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somebody-909 · 3 years

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Yeong-gi was arrested as a kid [I Love Yoo Theory]

In celebration of the return of my favourite webtoon, I thought I'd share the theory I shared on reddit a while ago about our favourite red head (revamped with pictures and extra discussion). This theory was eventually pretty much proven correct in Episode 112.

TLDR: Allusions to violent behaviour, a bad period of time where Yeong-gi was away, and stigmatized treatment resembling how you treat a criminal, lead me to believe that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort. He was then sent "away" somewhere for some time, likely either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents.

1. "How long has it been since you got out?"

In episode 16, when Kousuke visits Yeong-gi at Mrs. Lochlainn's (Yeong-gi's granny) place, he asks:

"How long has it been since you got out? Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then."

This suggests that Yeong-gi "got out" of some place/institution. The words "got out" are also quite ominous... (I would even argue that it implies being "locked" away). I find it hard to believe he would be using this for something that wasn't incredibly unpleasant/hard for Yeong-gi to get through. Kousuke proceeds to say, "Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then," confirming this implication.

I have seen a few possible interpretations of where Yeong-gi might've been "away" for a while. I personally think it's most likely something legal (juvie or juvenile delinquent related rehab), although others believe it might've been a mental institution, and others think it was a boarding school.

I see how "got out" could be used for the first two options easily, but the last one is a bit more shaky. "... since you left boarding school" might be a more natural way of referring to that, since it would have to be a really bad boarding school to refer to it in the way Kousuke does.

The following clues lean more towards Yeong-gi being away due to criminal reasons, however.

2. Treated like a delinquent.

The next clue and the biggest is how everyone treats Yeong-gi. His family treats him like a delinquent (I choose this word specifically because of its connotations... not just a troubled, hopeless kid... but more a kid you can't trust because he will be irresponsible and bad).

In episode 19, the students talk about how Yeong-gi hangs out with Soushi (who they think is a delinquent as seen in episode 20 probably bc he's a brown guy with a scar tbh TT)

"His family's got some great connections, that's the only reason I'm being friendly with the dude."

"But what's the point in doing that? He only hangs out with this delinquent from another school."

"You're joking..."

"I'm not! I saw him! Got a scar too... probably got it from a fight..."

"So it's true what they say then... Him being..."

"Shh! Don't say it out loud!"

They think Yeong-gi is hanging out with and is friends with a delinquent who they associate with having been violent. They immediately ask, "So is it true what they say then … Him being …"

What kind of rumour would they think is true if they saw Yeong-gi hanging out with a "thug"?

It would make sense to finish that question with "So is it true what they say then … Him being a criminal" or "a delinquent".

If we were to go with the mental hospital theory, it might work if they said "him being violent" but that doesn't really work as well here in relation to Soushi being a "delinquent."

There is a bit of nuance between what they would associate with someone with a criminal history, in comparison to someone who had been admitted to an institution for mental health issues, even if both possibilities were linked to violent outbursts.

As for his family, they treat him terribly. Like he's a screw up, a troublemaker. Not so much like someone with mental illness. I think by this point its clear that Yeong-gi made a big mistake, but what would be so bad that they treat him like this?

3. Hints of being "away" and having a criminal past.

There are several subtle hints that indicate Yeong-gi did have a criminal past of sorts. Or at least spent some time away.

Episode 79 - significant criminal past

When Yeong-gi and his father meet the lawyer about the assault and drug case in episode 79, the lawyer says:

"Your son does not have a significant criminal past."

Why not just say that he doesn't have "a criminal past" at all, period? Now this seems negligible, but Quimchee has used very subtle hints like this in the past so I wouldn't put it past her (eg. Yui calling Yeong-gi, "kid," and Kousuke "son," to indicate she is related to Kousuke and not Yeong-gi).

Episode 79 - Hansuke couldn't get to know Yeong-gi

Kousuke's cousin, Hansuke, states that he never got to know Yeong-gi back in their college days because:

"I was busy with my residency and [Yeong-gi] was… you know… "

This alludes to Yeong-gi having been unable to hang out because he had something going on...

Kousuke's Corner 2 and Episode 72 - a year behind

Yeong-gi is also a year older than Shin-Ae and his twelfth grade peers... Having any sort of legal trouble could cause a kid to flunk a year.

References to violent behaviour

In Episode 51, Kousuke mocks Yeong-gi, stating that he can have his assistant bring his punching bag if he needed an outlet for his frustrations.

Not being in "control" of his emotions is a recurring motif, with Yeong-gi's family members and even with himself.

Affinity for physical fitness (boxing) as a coping mechanism

I think it's significant that after being alluded to having had violent behaviour, his coping mechanism is something very physical. Boxing, interestingly, imitates violence.

Thematically fits with the end of the Black and White Formal arc

This is more my personal opinion... But I think Yeong-gi punching that pos Sangchul after constantly being passive aggressively criticized for violent behaviour is... cruelly fitting. Him being arrested and possibly repeating what had once happened, and after he had constantly been told not to repeat it, would be a sad parallel to what he once had to deal with.

Possible alternative explanations

TW: mentions of poor mental health and suicide attempts

I think it's most certain that Yeong-gi had legal trouble of some sort, likely due to a violent altercation, and that he was sent somewhere as a result of this incident.

Where he was actually sent to as a result, however, is a bit more shaky.

Since it was a minor criminal past, it's possible could've been simply arrested and not been sent to juvie at all. If his father was heavily involved in his life, he would likely have intervened if juvie became a possibility.

There are some who speculate Yeong-gi had very poor mental health, likely due to what happened with his mother and may have even attempted suicide. While this is possible, there isn't a lot to indicate past depressive or suicidal tendencies. For sure, his violent behaviour was coupled with poor mental health... but not necessarily poor mental health of this nature. I also feel that there is some nuance in how people would talk to Yeong-gi if his time away was precipitated by a suicide attempt. Someone who had self-harming tendencies isn't treated like a thug. Someone who beat up a kid might be though. (depressive tendencies could've been coupled with violence that caused his time "away," but once again, there is not a lot to really hint at severe depressive behaviours).

There are also theories of foster care, if his mother died (which seems to be the most likely scenario with her). I don't think this is the case because we have seen a young Yeong-gi interact with a young Kousuke. The two brothers (and their parents) were aware of each other. There is also his nana.

I think the most likely scenario is that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort.

He was then sent somewhere as a result: either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents, or an asylum (due to aggression issues). Regardless, it must have been tied to a violent incident, resulting in legal action and detention and possibly a follow up mental health related thing (rehab/asylum).

Episode 112's confirmation:

There is a vague flashback alluding to a period of time where Yeong-gi was in trouble, specifically stating

"Poor kid. No one is going to want him."

"Why not?"

"...Behavioural and aggression issues".

This alludes both to Yeong-gi getting into trouble for hurting someone, AND for being guardian-less for a period of time (no one "wanting him" seems to reference foster care or adoption).

Later in the episode, Yeong-gi's classmates gossip and say:

"Wasn't he at a detention centre for a bit?"

"I thought he was in an asylum?"

"He was sent somewhere for sure..."

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