#Thing Burger

[poppetsisters]

To this day, I cannot forgive Denny's for making a Thing Burger as a promotion for the 2015 Fantastic Four film, not because the movie is bad, but because the burger itself is non-kosher. That's right, Ben Grimm can't eat his own burger!!

What kind of sick twisted diner makes a burger based on a famously Jewish comic book character that violates not one, but two dietary restrictions in the Jewish faith. Not even Yancy Street would pull a stunt this dirty!

Firstly, the burger includes bacon. Kashrut only permits the consumption of animals with divided hooves that chew their chud. As pigs do not chew their chud, they cannot be eaten.

Secondly, eating meat alongside dairy is not kosher. This is because of a Torah passage that states "Do not cook a kid in its mother's milk."

So how do we fix this revoltin' development? Removing the bacon is easy. You could even substitute it with turkey bacon if you so wish, but choosing between meat and cheese is tricky. Removing the meat takes away the... well... meat of the meal, but taking away the cheese removes the bun's Thing-like appearance, removing its identity as a Thing Burger and making it just another hearty meal.

There are two ways to go about this, which I shall dub the pro-meat method and the pro-cheese method. The ingredients in the official Denny's Thing Burger include burger buns, a beef patty, pork bacon, hash browns, cheese (inside and on the bun itself), egg, and Thing Sauce (spicy mayo). By sampling from this list, we can make a kosher thing burger.

My recipe for the Pro-Cheese burger is to cook your dough in the oven with shredded cheese on the top to create that rocky look. For the interior, I thought perhaps I could lean into the Thing's aesthetics by emphasizing the hash browns. In fact, if the potato slices are mixed with egg and flour and cooked on a pan, you just created a Hanukkah staple: Latkes! The fact Denny's thought to include hash browns but somehow didn't make it intentionally Jewish is an astounding missed opportunity. Slide some Latkes in-between the cheese bun, maybe drizzle some dill sauce, grind some pepper for extra kick, and you got yourself a weird variant of a Hanukkah dish. I wonder if Aunt Petunia would approve.

For the Pro-Meat burger, I thought maybe the Latkes themselves might be stable enough to use as a substitute for the buns, but in case you feel different, you can always have them inside the buns. If you choose to have standard buns, I recommend scoring the top before baking so that it looks all rocky. You could also do this for the pro cheese method if you so wish. As for the inside, go ham... literally! Get a nice beef patty, throw on some (turkey) bacon, a nice sunny side up egg, that spicy mayo, some ground up pepper, and you got yourself a hearty burger that Benjy is sure to enjoy. You could even substitute the patty for breaded chicken if you think it looks more Thing-like.

No matter what option you prefer, I hope that this reconciles the mistake Denny's made in constructing a burger Ben Grimm, let alone the jewish people wouldn't be able to eat. Maybe someday the Kosher Thing Burgers will outlive the half-assed film tie-in that inspired it.

[lildoodlenoodle]

Have we talked about the Miguel Burger yet?

I just wanna know if it was his idea, if he authorized it, or do the other spiders just think it’s rlly fucking funny and do it to annoy the guy?

I need to know WHY

[kidovna]

grabbing lunch from earth-50101 before saving the multiverse🍟

[gene-jackett]

what if I balled my eyes out

[red-pencil]

Content Lock art for "Advice Things Are Ad-Nice"

[bearloonz]

my friend said she deserves a big ol hammer to wack things with and I agree wholeheartedly

[enteleqia]

I love this two psychos

[drawthethingdoppelganger]

Muppets shit post

[ink-ghoul]

What about the cotton candy..? Is it safe?

[zu-is-here]

<– • –>

[solazu1]

Based off the WWE match I saw last night

[atomic-chronoscaph]

1970s Burger King mascots t-shirt iron ons

[maxzemillian]

hello 💀

got the audio from another user in the kinitopet discord server (creditz to them! honeychips4090)

[darknanigans]

season 2 if i was in charge

(has never watched season 2 or 3 out of spite)

[xxcrumbxx]

Hello hello soo um im still workin on it ,ive been kinda burnt out from it an ik thers no real preshure and im wayyy past valintinse day but heres a wip of those silly lil valintines cards

Also today is my birth day im 22 now so .. Thats a thing. Anyway im planing on making like 3 alternet vershions of eclips 1 with the cannon tipical 2 arm pre decomishion desighn 1 with the 4 armed fannon /cannon design and 1 with the 4 armed ballone world desighn. Probly ganna take a bit but what ever it will be valintine in fuckin may who cares lol