#WHICH IM TRYING TO STOP MYSELF FROM DOING!!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luminisiv · 11 months

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Day 17 of @oc-tober2023: Fun

Rye and Luna enjoy doing musical things together, like dancing. It's enrichment for them. Also an excuse for me to draw dancing stuff.

#oc tober #oc-tober #oc-tober2023 #oc stuff #luminis art #haha omg ladies...? what if we practiced our idol dance routine together and enjoyed it a little too much #i think this ended up being more fun for me but you know.#it was this or i go overboard again on whats supposed to be a light daily challenge #WHICH IM TRYING TO STOP MYSELF FROM DOING!!!!!#rye's true entertainment method is being an obnoxious person but she tones it down for her kinda gf #(insert essay about the complicated nature of the relationship again)

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rileys-battlecats · 4 months

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i really gotta get better about listening to my own brain and needs when i'm making things. i've been working on a video and i'm almost finished (yippee!!), but drawing this One Specific Frame was giving me trouble. i could have just brute-forced my way through it and finalized the initial sketch, since it was relatively good enough. but instead i left it and took a day off from working on the project, let myself recharge, and came back to the sketch with fresh eyes today. and what do you know, my redrawn sketch today is WAY better! now, i can finalize that frame and be genuinely proud of it, instead of just powering through on something i was less than happy with.

i hadn't done any other art stuff that day when i couldn't get my sketches to look right, so letting myself stop and have a break from the project felt sort of "unearned" i guess. but it's just. what i needed! and the break did what i needed it to do; i was able to come back later and make something i could be proud of.

anyway i guess this is me saying that, if you're like me and have this weird morality-complex about letting yourself rest, it's ok to take breaks, even if you feel like you haven't "earned" one yet :)

#rye.txt #growing up i got very accustomed to ignoring my own needs and just 'powering through' when i wanted/needed to get something done #which worked out relatively ok for me in school (banging my head against a wall until my brain absorbed information leading to exhaustion)#but now that im doing work that is ostensibly for my own enjoyment #i have a hard time divorcing myself from that mindset #i feel guilty if im not constantly working #which is. not great! so im trying to unlearn that #trying to let myself think 'ok my brain isn't brain-ing right now. so i should stop and rest/do something else'#my actual job is Very Emotionally Draining so sometimes i just. can't find the energy to work on my art #which sucks!! cause i love making art!! and then i think to myself 'maybe making art will make you feel better'#but then when i try it's like scraping the bottom of a dry well. trying to find water #when what i need to do is rest and let the water well up from the ground itself #but resting is HARD when you tie your self-worth to how much you can work #ough ok this got a little vent-y sorry guys #I don't want to let myself fall into the 'content creation' mindset. cause I don't think i make 'content' i make ART #and art isn't something you can just pump out mindlessly #good art. art that i can be PROUD of. that takes time and intent and energy. and I can't make that if im just scraping the bottom of a well #vent in tags #this whole post is just 'riley vs the concept that taking breaks is a moral failing'

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salt-baby · 2 months

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my beige flag is taking immense pleasure in shocking people with my disability

#aka the reveal of my disability #not the severity thats incomprehensible to most #but theres always this moment where they panic trying to figure out what to do in this situation #and im cackling #im usually game to answer a few polite questions #so i feel like that makes us even #sometimes the urge strikes me in the wrong situations tho #the salesperson was politely asking if i did the same competitive sport my siblings do #and i had to stop myself from saying 'well the disability makes that kinda hard'#i love when i get to knock on my knees to demonstrate #because at work my orthotics are rarely visible #so to the other person theres just this inexplicable clang sound #gotta take your wins when you can get em #my boss has started joining in which has ofc compounded the problem #we were joking about putting a disability parking placard in a barbie jeep #and someone who was in the car with us for that conversation #later they were like 'WAIT YOURE DISABLED?'#WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS JOKING ABOUT #disability #salt baby talks #ehlers danlos syndrome #chronic illness #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #mcas

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opens-up-4-nobody · 13 days

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#bleh. i need half the country to pls stop being on fire. id like to go out and run pls. but its so smokey i can barely see the mountain #i live near :-/ also im just tired and frustrated. its incredible how quickly i vasilate between #things r going well. i should stay in my program and work with cyanos forever. to no no no im not cut out for this. i gotta leave. to yay #let me throw myself head first into consuming every second of my life with working. but only on the things that dont require me to think #which is y im not cut out for this and should be bannished to a world of only doing lab work and following instructions #also i have an screening interview monday for an R0DBT group. so i might b going to control freak classes #assuming i cant convince the lady that im not fit for thr class. which obviously i am bc im my therapist listed the ppl who r #usually put into r0dbt and i was like hm im a lot of those things. but also its 2hrs every week and thats a lot of time. and i feel like im #already on the path away from violently structuring my life specifically bc ive done so much damage #ugh. also i have ridiculously high self standards but i only do anything halfway bc i cant fail if i never try 100%.#so im like a fake control freak. or rather i cant even fully commit to being controlling. im lazy and i dont have the drive.#which almost makes it worse bc im stading at this threshold of control where it destroys me but never actually succeeds in being a perfect #thing. which is def a distorted way to think about it but there u go. ugh. im just tired and my arm hurts too much to draw bc #im older and older everyday. and i dont wanna read papers. i dont wanna grade or work on my presentation. i didn't want to spend 3.5 hrs #doing transfers this morning. and my mom's been dead for 6months and 3 days now. and i still dont kno where ill be a year from now #unrelated

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motherforthefamicom · 2 months

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redownloaded an old art program

#specifically its tayasui memopad…#sketches was like borderline unusable last i redownloaded it #which was like.. oct last year #maybe its gotten better but i dont feel like bothering with it anymore haha #memopad i never used much aside from little scribble doodles (id make a scribble and try to turn it into something)#but its changed a lot since i last used it.. which was like four years ago so i cant be too surprised i guess XD #its still pretty jank but in a more manageable way . i missed rhe sketches brushes theyre very lovely #sorry for all the rambling haha #ive been feeling really shitty lately and have barely been able to draw it feels like #a lot of what i have made ive had to really.. force myself to get out. and i havent been as satisfied with it as id like to br #this is kind of janky still but i like it and i had fun making it #everytime i draw these two its exactly the same cuz i have to remind myself what their designs even were everytime >_<‘’#hopefully i do some more stuff today. its already getting late but im feeling a little better #getting back into the swing of things or whatever #i thought someone on af was ghosting me or whatever but turns out they were just . busy. ( <- figures i need to stop assuming haha) and #they also made this amazing revenge im absolutely in love with its so cute #really made my day =)#scribbles #furry tag #good god i write way too much in these #sorry #anyways #queueing this to post again (its the 14th as im writing this) i feel like that worked alright for me last time #im kinda making this post impulsively i am. constantly going back nd forth on whether i even like posting my art nowadays #oh well #yeah queue i wanna know #mother series #<- i forgot to tag that . for blog organization mostly these r just #nothing burger npcs barely anyone cares abt (nintens sisters lol)

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lupismaris · 2 months

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I'm coping with being back in the Chesapeake just fine thanks for asking pay no mind to the crockpot of stew bubbling on a 91 + humidity day while I nurse this fuckin heat/pollen induced migraine with even more water and weed

#caldo verde (ptown/Azores) style save me. save me caldo verde.#if i fuck up this soup i think the grief of not being up north is gonna finally hit lads ive been doing really well but i think #i think this might be it #i didn't have treatment today so my pain levels are high from being over a week without and holding all my stress again #which im catching myself doing and i hate! how do i stop!! how do i break these cycles now that im home!!#i tried cleaning today im trying to structure routine again im trying to make changes but how do i make them stick and how #how How HOW does the change really begin because the cycles win every time the grief wins the demons win

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bunnihearted · 4 months

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🍷

#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking #they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly #keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time #bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy #but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point #bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be #proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is #yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol #and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao #and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel #i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks #why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls #and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others #but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on #ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives #so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok #ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down #i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal #like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve #i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that #i still feel depressed tho <3 #idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to #i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk #im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol

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skitskatdacat63 · 8 months

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Speaking of ocs, I have no idea why I deleted this drawing off here. I think I hated it when I finished it, and now I looked back on it and I'm like, this is pretty okay??

#also I hate how you guys have literally sent asks for my oc game(thanks!!!!)#but i still feel this weird 'oh god im being so annoying' ickyness #will i never be freed from the prison which is my own head #im like ah i need to draw ocs more :) its comforting #and then i start drawing them more #and my brain starts clawing itself abt having not drawn any fanart in a bit #tbf i dont really have good ideas for either 😭😭#but thank you guys for supporting my recent endeavors :)#even if i still feel anxious abt it. all your asks have made me feel very soft <3 #but yah idk i try to engrain in myself: my blog i do what i want #and then i still get insecure abt being annoying. but you guys dont care :) so i need to stop caring #idk i think people could literally yell at me that im not being annoying and id still have to go lay in the dark +#and have an entire self monolog to myself abt how im a plague upon this world #catie.art.

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gunthermunch · 1 year

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let me be honest with you guys i would have gone into hiatus 3400 times and or deleted stuff if it wasnt because we (yes me and you included) love munch so much. its crazy

#to express that i am human for a sec: im an insecure person and i constantly feel like im not good enough #and posting my creations (mainly art) for everyone to see was always difficult for me until i started munch #and i didnt even start thinking i want a bunch of people to read this i just wanted to put my stuff somewhere #and stop pulling myself back and turning very small out of shyness and imposter syndrome #even now when i still feel like garbage and end up comparing myself to others (the way i used to do with art) what keeps me from doing #something stupid is my story and my characters and all the people who love them (and let me know you do. which i appreaciate a lot always)#so yeah what im trying to say is that im very thankful. about a lot of things #dl #i deleted a bunch of stuff today you probably wont even notice its not there anymore. NOT ANYTHING FROM MUNCH ITSELF THO id die #not my cancer ass showing my emotions oh well

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mejomonster · 2 months

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I hate panic attacks

#rant #which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them #i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything #ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me #but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually #but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks #im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade #ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself #turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for #trigger from self hating thiught loops #it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u #physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in #the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation #but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself #in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last #longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more #im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours #im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for #hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying #in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop #altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life #and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway

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puppyeared · 1 year

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ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

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scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde · 11 months

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I made a meme do you leik it :)

#i am SUFFERING out here #i have a presentation and essay for one module a presentation for another module and an object to make with a 1000 word explanation??#for another module all due within the next two weeks #and i am unable to get out of bed 👍🏻#fantastic timing dont you think #theres been trouble with my antidepressents so im off those too which ahahahahah doesnt help #and i cant got to the doctors for them cause ill have to fight for it and then that will give them reason to not give me testosterone in #december when im due to get it cause im 'unstable' and my doctors surgery isnt very fond of me starting anyway #im not about to give them a reason to stop me from getting the perscription #so ive just got to fucking raw dog life for the first time since i was 16 how great #no i cannot complete these very important assignments that count towards my degree im trying not to throw myself into oncoming traffic soz #and also trying to manage to feed myself and perhaps leave my bedroom for a total of five minutes at least a day #this has not been entirely achievable but yk im doing my best 😀👍🏻#depressive episode #did any of yall see those two girls with a podcast that said i love my mental illness it makes me who i am #because i think about those two far too often and im so glad everyone was in the comments so much so they deleted the video lmfao cause bro #depression #can suck my dick #in a bad way

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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months

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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit #we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today #luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying #so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem #canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine #think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say #but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart #i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess #its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad #it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl #like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this #i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away #i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster #unrelated

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readymades2002 · 2 months

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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach

#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed #and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore #wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever #i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous #asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here #and i do so so so fucking badly #then. things have to change #struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about #NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her #i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown #but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage #to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different #thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT #god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go #this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough

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thehardkandy · 4 months

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in my project management class and one of the bullet points of skills for project management is

girl i am certainly in the wrong location

#like half my anxiety this week is just BEING in a class about project management #but here for clarity that is 100% as expected #the reason im taking this class is not because i want to be a project manager but because i expect it's going to be something i end up #needing to do accidentally in some capacity at some point #and id rather at least get some basics because like girl if being a class with group work is anxiety inducing #imagine being completely unprepared in a situation where you are in fact the only qualified person to take charge #which has happened even if for ultimately minor stuff #i am. trying very hard not to take avoidant behaviour as the defacto answer to things that make me uncomfortable as adult #because no one can stop me from doing it #and so it is up to me to make sure that while ill never cure what's wrong with me #i want to leave myself with enough flexibility to grit my teeth through most situations #and also i guess there are contexts where i DO want responsibility!!!!!#it is genuinely so profoundly rewarding for me to have a meaningful say in the work i am doing #which means either being the sole one working on it #or being in a position to at least have meaningful say on a team

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screamingay · 2 months

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somehow these current roommates we have are the worst that ive known yet and last semester we literally had a girl who smoked cigs IN her bedroom. list of grievances below lol

#first of all they turn all the lights on all the time. the other day i was hanging out in the living room w one light on bc it was light #enough outside thru the windows and one of them walked in and flipped another light on automatically. then walked through #the living room right to her bedroom... girl youre not even using this room and i was clearly fine with the light level??#they always have all 3 kitchen lights on when they cook and dont turn them off plus none of them have lamps #they all use the Big LED Ceiling Light in their bedrooms which is baffling to us #they dont know how to organize the kitchen and they took up so many of the cabinets with bullshit. like 3 pans here a few plates there #we have like 4 cabinets worth of food and even more of pots and pans and shit bc this is everything we own #and we cant afford to use disposable everything like some of them do #theyre always leaving the fridge open while they cook too and i have to physically hold myself back from becoming my mom #and yelling at them to close the fridge when theyre not actively getting smth out of it!! like theyll stand there cooking and have it open #for 2 minutes straight #theres only room for one water filter pitcher in the fridge and one of them brought a big one which is nice but theyre always forgetting to #refill it which defeats the purpose of even having it #and they always somehow start cooking right when we decide we need to eat #one of them sent this long sort of condescending post abt ants and how it stresses him out when the kitchen is messy so we all need to clean #more and try harder to keep ants away as if 1) ants care at all abt dishes in the sink or stains on the stove and 2) as if the ants will #stop coming around if theres no food out in this building where there are notoriously always ants even on the 4th floor #(we are ground floor this time) and 3) as if he isn't one of the people leaving food around and not taking the trash out #nobody responded to it in the groupchat lmao bc he sounds like a fucking cop!! and is dating an rotc guy??? and also is a streamer or just #likes to play games on vc with friends bc hes always very loudly doing that #but obviously we have sex all the time so we're at a sort of loud noise stalemate where neither of us can complain abt the other #to be clear this is in no way the absolute worst situation theyre nice enough people and havent reported us for anything (they both work for #student housing -_-) and generally things go okay in the apartment #but like. ive never been this annoyed this often with any other roommates #ALSO someone spilled soy sauce all over our designated level of the fridge door where we had all our little bottles of stuff #but also a carton a Paper Carton of milk and a pack of butter standing upright which soaked up the soy sauce and for several days #even after id cleaned the bottom of the carton the best i could i swore it tasted like soy sauce from it soaking into the bottom or smth #but it's still all over everything in there bc it was so much it like. pooled in there and splattered on everything #like. u see that happen u clean it up wtf.??#anyway i just felt like i needed to complain and see if im being silly or if these things really are so annoying

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