#What I'm learning is being able to clock out and be done is in fact good for me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lgbtsana · 7 months ago

Text

LOST IN TRANSLATION

- sim jaeyun / jake one-shot

GENRE: Romance, Enemies to Lovers, Deaf Jake, College Life.

PERM TAG LIST: @run2seob

Jake is a 21 year-old deaf, junior university student, who has trauma from bullying over the fact he can't hear. Y/N is a 20 year-old, freshman university student, who just wants to make friends. She approaches Jake without knowing he's deaf, and he begins to dislike her when she couldn't understand why he was pointing to his ears. Y/N learned through Heeseung that Jake was deaf. Why not learn sign language? Will she be able to befriend Jake or will he dislike her until he graduates?

The alarm in her room, blaring, filling the room with its ever so annoying noises. Y/N's hand slams on the nightstand, searching for the alarm clock desperately, trying to turn it off.

“Just turn off already!” she exclaimed, sitting up and turning it off. A sigh of relief escapes her lips, “Finally…” her voice trails.

“Fuck! I'm late!” She hurries to change her clothes and get to her university, Decelis Academy.

While she was almost always late, she had good grades. Her GPA is what got her accepted. So, learning things felt like a breeze to Y/N.

Arriving to her class, she immediately got scolded by the professor. “Late again, Ms. Seo” Professor Jay remarked, annoyed at the tardiness. But, just glad she made it.

While, Professor Jay seems harsh. He actually is laid back and kind. Always making sure everyone is done with their work, and able to turn it in. The students appreciated it, this allowed them to understand the material better.

“Sorry, Professor Jay…” her voice trailed, “I was up late studying.”

A sigh left the professor's lips, “Sit down, at least you're late with a decent reason.”

A slight smile met her lips, “Thank you, Professor Jay!” she spoke excitedly, walking to her desk chair and taking a seat.

Being a Freshman gave Y/N some advantages, she was able to get off with being tardy, blaming it on ‘studying’ when she already knew the material.

Though, she had some challenges with making friends. They always walk away from her, saying that she was “Too weird.”

It irked Y/N, but she let it go.

After her class ended, she noticed a taller boy in the hallway. Realizing this was a chance to make a friend, she skipped over excitedly and spoke, “Excuse me? Would you like to be friends?”

Silence.

“Ah, ignored again…” she sighed as the boy turned around and jolted in surprise. His jolt made her jump as well, but she was still confused. Why didn't he answer her?

She said the same lines she just spoke, and he tilted his head. Bringing out his phone and typing, before showing her, “I'm deaf.”

Her mouth formed an ‘O’ shape, finally understanding the situation. She still wasn't sure how to communicate with him, and he got annoyed. Huffing and walking away.

Y/N reached her hand out as she frowned. Another chance down the drain.

The night of, she looked up videos to learn sign language. She realized that, to communicate better, she could learn sign language.

Y/N stayed up all night learning sign language. Practicing signs to perfect her understanding.

The next day, she walked up proudly to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and was visibly annoyed by her presence. “My name is Y/N, what is yours?” she smiled as she signed to him. His eyes widening in shock, no one having done this for him before.

“Jake.” was all he signed before quickly walking away.

“Jake, huh…” Y/N murmured, turning on her heel and making her way to Heeseung.

“Hey!” her hands clasped his shoulders roughly, making him jolt. “What the hell!” he exclaimed, “I'm doing an assignment, what's up?”

“Do you know who Jake is?”

“Jake? Yeah, he's the deaf student. Keeps to himself.” Heeseung quickly replied.

“Making more friends is hard, Seungie…” she whispered, visibly upset.

“What happened? Wait- Did you try to talk to Jake?”

“Yeah! But I learned sign language after that to fix things, I think that made him hate me more…”

A fit of laughter began as Heeseung couldn't hold it in anymore.

“Hey! It's not funny, asshole!” she hit his back lightly, making sure not to hurt him.

“It kinda is.” Heeseung spoke plainly.

“No!”

“Yeah!” He laughed heartily.

“I'll get Sunoo to talk to him, he knows sign language.”

“You will? Thank you!” she hugged her closest, and only, friend.

“Yeah, yeah. Now let me do my assignment, in peace.”

Y/N nodded and left the room.

Heeseung was able to get Sunoo to convince Jake to talk to Y/N. It was a long process, but they were able to do it.

Jake and Y/N meet up at the park, signing to each other, Y/N made sure to get every sign correct.

Jake noticed her concentration on making sure she was signing correctly. A chuckle left his lips, watching her eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

“What's so funny?” she signed to him.

“Your eyebrows furrow when you concentrate,” he signed back, “It's kinda funny.”

Y/N pouted, “No fair! I'm trying not to mess up and make you hate me…” she signed and frowned at the end.

Jake's eyes widened, he didn't particularly hate her, he was more weary of her.

“I got bullied for being deaf when I was younger,” he signed, explaining his childhood thoroughly.

At the end, Y/N understood why he was weary. But, he finally knew she wasn't like that.

Christmas came around in a flash, people around campus going home to visit family. Yet, some decided to stay in their dorms. Keeping time to themselves.

Jake texted Y/N that he was going to visit family and came to her dorm room to give her a hug. “Until we meet again!” he signed, making it dramatic as possible. Y/N laughed, “Yeah, yeah, get going drama king!” she signed back, before putting her hands on his back to push him.

He pulled out his phone and texted her, “See you later!”

She looked up from her phone and smiled. Mouthing slowly, “Bye.”

Holidays ended, and Y/N was waiting at the train station for Jake to arrive. She wanted to surprise him when he came back.

As the train came to a stop, the door slowly opened and people from inside came flooding out. Y/N was focused on finding Jake, her eyes searching through the crowd until their eyes met.

Her face lit up as a smile came to her lips. She noticed Jake mouthing, “Can I hug you?”

She gave him a nod as confirmation, and he walked over to her, pushing through the crowd and placing a gentle kiss on her lips.

Y/N's eyes widened as Jake pulled away, “Kiss?” she signed, “I thought it was a hug?”

Jake covered his mouth to laugh, before signing, “I mouthed, ‘’Can I kiss you?”

Y/N shrugged, “Either works!” she signed with a smile. Before giving him a tight hug, pulling away and signing, “Welcome back.”

While flowers take time to blossom fully, so does love. It takes time to learn a language, it takes time for feelings to grow. Love takes time.

73 notes · View notes

fadedtoneverland · 7 months ago

Note

hello dear author, I could request a Hyunjin x male!reader who is a member of nct, reader is the brother of another famous idol and he often dresses in long dresses or long skirts, I hope I'm not asking too much of you, take care of yourself

“my muse” | h.hj

❤︎ synopsis — as an artistic man, hyunjin is drawn towards someone who embodies art in his own way

pairing: idol!hyunjin x idol!male!reader

theme: fluff ✿

a/n: first stray kids request! hyunjin is literally the most beautiful man i’ve ever laid my eyes on, and i adore him, so im glad he’s the first member from skz i get to write for !!

cw: none.

▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆

i’d like to believe hyunjin likes to observe people on a deeper level

it’s just how he is. hyunjin is an artistic man. he sees the world beyond what the naked eye presents him, and that shows in how he treats and greets people

it’s a habit he’s had. he’ll meet someone, have a few nice conversations, and then he’ll go about thinking about their style, mannerisms and energy

he’s done it a lot in the kpop industry, being able to clock someone’s insecurities and thoughts just from a look alone

hyunjin never really questioned why he does it, in fact he himself is sometimes weirded out by his random hyper analytical behavior. but it allows himself to give a deeper insight on the people he surrounds himself with

so when sm entertainment announced a new member of nct dream, he was naturally curious.

nct was already known for their bold concept of many members, all split into different sub-units. hyunjin had personally met a few of the dreamies before

that’s when he saw you

hyunjin was immediately captured by your striking appearance. when you made your stage debut, you were draped in the most gorgeous silks and fabrics, accompanied with sparkling diamonds that made you stand out. like a prince

maybe it was the skirt, or maybe it was the flashy stage presence, but hyunjin has never encountered someone so… bold. so confident to dominate the stage with such ease, like you were made for it.

later on, hyunjin learned from jisung that you were the brother of famous tvxq member, kim jaejoong. hyunjin could see the resemblance. you definitely had his eyes… and his attitude.

it explained a lot, actually

hyunjin definitely wanted to get to know you more

and fate seemed to be on his side as he ran into you during an after party of the

the party was filled with all sorts of people tonight.

stray kids had a particularly good evening, having won a couple awards from the MAMA show this year, all thanks to their hard work and talent. as expected, the kpop sensation was invited to attend the after party at a private venue, hosted by a couple of the TV hosts themselves.

hyunjin was off to do his own thing, having separated himself from the group to get swept away in the fun party. pretty faces and model bodies were everywhere. hyunjin has seen them all, even recognized a few faces. it was expected to see many people like that, he worked in the idol industry after all.

beauty was key in a world like this

the black haired idol found himself leaning against one of the party tables, a glass of champagne cupped in his long fingers. he took a sip of the sugary liquor while scanning the crowd. the crowd was filled with all sort so celebrities, having the same shallow conversations. he’d catch sight of young women acting too humble for the sake of the camera, men too ashamed of their tan skin, so they hide it behind pale makeup, and the starry eyes of children who have yet to discover the darkness behind the industry.

it was all the same. nothing interesting caught his eyes. but then again, there’s almost no room for individuality when the standard is to just be an obedient, purse pup. almost everyone was in this room was just a pretty show dog, doing the ringmaster’s commands and tricks without question.

hyunjin sighed.

he was thinking too pessimistically for an event that’s supposed to be fun and exciting.

taking another quick swig of his golden alcohol, hyunjin set the glass down, deciding he’s had enough for tonight. as he looked around the crowd, he caught sight from the corner of his eye approaching him, and leaning against the party table next to him. neither of them made eye contact, but acknowledged one another silently.

“it’s rather lovely tonight, isn’t it?” your voice sounded on hyunjin’s right side. of course, pretty porcelain doll from nct dream had to greet him personally. not that hyunjin was offended by your presence, he was just.. taken aback.

“of course,” hyunjin agreed, not tearing his eyes away from the party crowd, “the venue is just lovely.”

“agreed.” you smiled. hyunjin took this opportunity to look at your face. god, even your smile was as perfect as your entire being.

everything about your demeanor was different. it was loud and proud, not afraid to show the world what you were made of. dressed in a clad, wine red dress shirt, accompanied with a matching maxi skirt, you stood out amongst the crowd of mannequins.

that alone intimidated hyunjin. he wasn’t used to such bravery in a dog-eat-dog world.

“congratulations on your win, by the way,” you said while clasping your hands together politely, offering your congratulations to your senior. “stray kids really knows how to steal the stage. i especially enjoyed the performance of thunderous.”

your voice was polite, but there was a hint of playfulness in those bright eyes. hyunjin took a moment to compose himself, before putting on his most charming smirk.

“thank you, y/n.” hyunjin thanked while bowing, showing the mutual respect he held for you. “but i can’t have you being flattering without your own achievements being acknowledged. seriously, your voice absolutely took me away. and your style? nothing like the industry has seen before. you’re pushing new boundaries for the fashion in kpop.”

hyunjin’s always meticulous with the compliments he gives, because it shows he cares. but he also just wanted to praise your expression of art through your style and attitude. it’s not everyday he gets to meet someone unique like this, and it seems the compliment he gave you earned a cute giggle from your pretty red lips.

adorable.

“you’re charming, hyunjin.” you said while covering your lips with your palm, pulling it away and letting your hand fall to your side.

“i get that a lot.” the idol said with a chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck.

“as you should,” you replied, a smirk making it’s way to your lips. “you’re seriously like a real life prince.”

hyunjin laughed. genuinely. not one of those quick, brief laughs he usually did to amuse people.

.. since when did he get so flirty and comfortable with an idol he just met?

the conversation flowed well. hyunjin really found a spark of chemistry between him and you. not only were you bold, but also engaging. the way you speak so beautifully and thoughtfully, it just drew hyunjin in further.

like a fly buzzing into a dazzling light.

“we should do this again, hyunjin.” you say with a smile, the corners of your eyes crinkling with the action.

“i quite enjoy your company.”

hyunjin smiles at this, leaning back against the table.

“what, like a date?” he teased.

you scoff and wave your hand at him. “if that’s what you want to call it.”

the space between you both is filled with giggles. as your laughter died down, you caught sight of jaemin flagging you over to the exit of the after party venue.

sighing solemnly, you give hyunjin one last smile, before turning around. “i’ll catch you later, hwang.”

hyunjin watched with curious eyes as you left, your skirt flowing with every step you took.

‘this boy is gonna kill me.’ hyunjin thought to himself.

he watched as you stepped out of the venue with the rest of the dreamies. you truly were a work of art, and hyunjin definitely believes there’s more he can add to the canvas. you’re beautiful just as you are, but with a splash of color, maybe he can just turn you into one of the most beautiful things the world has ever seen, and make them all fall in love with you all over again.

just as your brother did before.

his muse. his pretty little muse, that he’s just so intent on learning more about, and he won’t stop with just that amazing conversation you just had.

he’ll find you again.

hyunjin smiled. it was a smile of brilliance.

“i’ll catch you later, kim.”

▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆▆

#kpop fanfic #stray kids fanfic #stray kids #skz fanfic #skz x reader #stray kids x reader #hyunjin #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x male reader #kpop male reader #kpop fluff #male reader #♡︎ bambi fics

98 notes · View notes

dear-ao3 · 7 months ago

Note

K so I wrote out this whole thing, but then my phone deleted it bc my Tumblr clock ran out.

So I'll just skip to the part that was actually important.

The advice I've been given in regards to paying for school without a loan is to apply for scholarships like it is a job.

You are a competitive applicant given your # of degrees. So I think this is a viable option for you.

If you spend time researching and applying to scholarships like it is a 3rd job, you're likely to get accepted and have some of your tuition covered.

In regards to selling stickers, I am not sure this is a good option as the overhead might be too high to make a good enough profit. There are companies to do this through, but I'm not sure how much of the product money they take. And if you're packaging orders yourself that much more work than a 3rd job would be.

I wish you the best of luck on your grad school journey!!!! Congrats on getting accepted to grad school as I think the need for 30k implies??!!!

- cheesecake anon

hello cheesecake anon!

some clarifications:

i have not in fact been accepted into grad school. i have been told by a school that, with the qualifications that i have, they would accept me (haven’t applied yet because of a slew of reasons).

i know from the research i’ve done that that is Around what a program would cost, without scholarships (i know i can get at least some, but this does require a rather large move so will probably still need that amount reguardless)

in my other schooling exploits i have learned that you essentially need to have proof of acceptance into a program to apply for scholarships, which is rather difficult when 1. can’t apply for said school for another year and a half or so and 2. the program itself is 1 year and i need to pay for it upfront (yes it’s possible to go the scholarship route, i’ve looked into it, but i can’t totally rely on it In This Circumstance i need a backup)

i know the ideas on the poll are mostly bad lol i just need some alternative to only being able to rely on scholarships because i don’t think it’s going to work out that i can do that

#not a tag #from saph #thank u cheesecake anon

67 notes · View notes

dr-futbol-blog · 1 month ago

Text

Allies, Pt. 2

The hive has finally reached Atlantis and everyone is on edge. They seem to be in continuous radio contact with both the Daedalus and the Orion, both of whom are hearing everything that is spoken on the Control Platform of Atlantis, as we hear the Canadian technician give Caldwell a status report when he asks for one. Essentially Caldwell and Sheppard ask for the same thing, Caldwell just manages to sound more official about it than Sheppard who seems to be calming his own nerves more than everything else by inserting some levity to the situation, making fun of how anxious he himself is to hear what is going on out there. Sheppard very obviously hates being on the sideline unable to do anything, having to wait to hear from where the action is.

Caldwell: Atlantis, report? Chuck: It's going into geosynchronous orbit. Hasn't armed any of its weapons. Weir: If they do, I want you to switch from cloak to shield as quickly as possible. Don't wait for my order. Chuck: Yes, ma'am. Sheppard: You could be a little more chatty, Elizabeth. Weir: I'm sorry, we're just waiting for them to make the next move. Chuck: Transmitting a signal, audio only. Weir: Put it on speaker.

Because we have both Caldwell and Sheppard wanting to hear from them, this scene seems to call back to the tense moment in the beginning of The Siege (S02E01) at the start of the season when Sheppard had been on the bridge of the Daedalus together with Caldwell, waiting to hear back from Atlantis after they had just watched the wraith bombard the city with darts, unsure whether McKay had been able to get the shield up in time. Sheppard had been very aware of the fact that everything was hinging on McKay being able to shield them. It had been a question of seconds and because of interference caused by the exploding darts, they were unable to hear from Atlantis, they were getting only static in response -- just as Sheppard had been getting only static in response from McKay in the previous episode.

In contrast to now, Sheppard had been hailing Atlantis instead of Weir or Elizabeth, and I had discussed at the time how many mainstream viewers interpret his worry as motivated by Weir while the fact that he had chosen to hail Atlantis (knowing better than to try hailing McKay directly when everything was hinging on him making the shield work in time) betrayed the fact that his concern had been above all for the man that he loves, and we have seldom seen him as afraid as he was then. Sheppard did not want to know whether Elizabeth had survived, he wanted to know if Atlantis was still standing. We are reminded of this by how Caldwell is the one hailing Atlantis now and Sheppard hails Elizabeth, sounding much more relaxed than he had been then, even though they are essentially in the same situation, because he knows McKay is not in danger. Not hearing back from Atlantis, Sheppard does not know what had happened. For all he knows, the wraith might have destroyed them outright. But because McKay is with him, we do not see Sheppard despair not getting an immediate answer from Atlantis like he had done at the start of the season. Sheppard cares about Atlantis and he cares about Weir, but he does not care about them the same way he cares about McKay.

That moment had also been one where Caldwell had likely clocked that Sheppard had some personal reason to be both as afraid and as relieved as he was when they finally learn that Atlantis had survived. What is real curious, and makes the end of the season rhyme with the beginning, is that Sheppard sharing the bridge with Caldwell had also been when they had first made a reference to allies. The two of them had the following exchange:

Sheppard: The Asgard gave you hyperdrives and shields. How come no offensive weapons? Caldwell: They don't like providing other races with anything that could potentially be used against them. Sheppard: I thought we were allies. Caldwell: Without the beaming technology, you wouldn't be here, Major.

As already indicated, this episode is not so much about Sheppard and McKay as it is about how they are perceived by others, what impact they and their relationship have had on the people around them. Like the Asgard, Sheppard and McKay do not like to provide the people around them with anything that could potentially be used against them. And like Sheppard was then, some of the people around them seem to be hurt by their perceived distrust, Weir chief among them. Sheppard has very good reasons to want to keep what they have under wraps, and McKay has agreed to keep his confidence whether they are together or not.

It is not a coincidence that it was Caldwell who delivered him the message that without their allies Sheppard would not even be alive any more, let alone rekindling his relationship with the love of his life. And throughout the course of this episode, we see character after character reveal in small ways that they are allies, that Sheppard can trust them. Sheppard and McKay have saved everyone so many times that all of the people on their orbit owe them a debt of gratitude. And while in Coup d'État (S02E17) we had heard Sheppard call her Doctor Weir and her call him Colonel, their use of the intimate address here speaks of this deep friendship that has formed between them and Weir's sincere desire to be an ally to him, which may have been one of the reasons she seems to have facilitated Sheppard, the person responsible for the security of Atlantis, spending the weeks leading up to the attack of the wraith away on his honeymoon on the Orion. As mentioned previously, but I want to underscore it, Sheppard's presence on the Orion is not necessary. They need the ship, yes. McKay and his team could easily have delivered them the ship, and Sheppard spending weeks sitting in the captain's chair, as lampshaded by McKay, was not crucial to the operation, and his skills as a strategists might have come in much more handy on Atlantis. And yet Weir had given him leave to join McKay.

Michael: We know you are there. We mean you no harm. Please respond. Weir: John, are you hearing this? Chuck: It's repeating again. Michael: We mean you no harm. There is no point in hiding, Doctor Weir. We know you are there. We mean you no harm. Please respond. Sheppard: Is that who I think it is? Weir: He's addressing me by name. I think we can assume it's Michael.

They are all shaken by the voice that they hear on the intercom, the prodigal son returning to remind them all of their mistakes. What is interesting is how what Michael is saying is overlaid with the reaction shots because there seem to be two layers here, the wraith being used as a metaphor for gay people but also for the allies in this episode. Michael's message might just as well be the same as would be sent to Sheppard and McKay by everyone who love them. We mean you no harm. There is no point in hiding. We know you are there, forced in the closet by the institution you serve. It is Sheppard that now gets the message "We mean you no harm" overlaid on him, and McKay gets the message "There is no point in hiding, Doctor," and it is not a coincidence that the word "Doctor" is spoken when we see him exchange a look with Sheppard. The whole message is further lampshaded by Weir asking Sheppard if he is hearing this, if he in particular is receiving this message.

What is interesting is that while through the character of Michael they are revisiting the question of Sheppard's sexual orientation, in this episode the onus is actually on the people around him, on how other people around them perceive Sheppard and his relationship, how entirely without his input and without him even noticing, there is a network of people who support them that seem to have formed around them. We see several examples of people being allies in the episode, which is clearly a new and unfamiliar experience to him. What we had learned in Michael (S02E18) about his past explained why Sheppard may have felt like he needed to bury his feelings deep and never let anyone see them -- but what he has found in and with McKay has just been too big for him to keep concealed, to keep it hidden away and not let anything show. They are obvious to anyone who sees them together even if they think they are being careful and clandestine. It is also fitting that they would have Michael deliver the words as who ever "Mike" had been in Sheppard's past, he seems to have been a false ally, seems to have been trying to get into his confidence under false pretenses and possibly at the behest of his father.

Caldwell: You don't actually intend to respond? Weir: Why not? Caldwell: Where do you want me to start? Weir: I think we can safely say our cover is blown. Caldwell: I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. Weir: The message is from Michael, Colonel. Dex: They know we're here. Caldwell: But they don't know exactly where we are. Sheppard: He's right. Answer them and we guarantee the first shot won't miss. Weir: Teyla? Teyla: Any attempt on my part to connect with Michael will confirm our location as surely as if you answer by radio.

The vocabulary they use here has a double meaning that is carried over the entire conversation, and it is no accident that it is Caldwell as the representative of the military that is advising against disclosure. Weir's mention of their cover being blown and there being no point in hiding is interesting in the context of this particular episode because this is one where we get a heavy textualization of the subtext later -- again in the context of someone being an ally. Another thing that we are reminded of here is the psychic connection that exists between Teyla and the wraith, and Teyla and Michael in particular, her being "exceptionally open" to him. It seems as though Michael has the ability to locate Teyla as accurately as they if were in radio contact, which again opens the question of the nature of the connection between Sheppard and McKay that may be hinted at the end of the episode.

It is also remarkable how relaxed Sheppard sounds now that he has assurance that McKay is not in any danger, when he is able to look right at McKay when he is talking about the destruction of Atlantis. He fixes his eyes on McKay as he says the words "the first shot won't miss," advising Weir against a course of action that might lead to the destruction of Atlantis. And yet he does not sound anywhere near as terrified as we have seen and heard him previously, unsure of the fate of the city. There are many people in the city he cares about, it is their home. And yet it is not an existential question to him like the thought of losing McKay is. Everything else he can survive but not that. Everything else is negotiable but not that. Even later on in this episode we can appreciate the difference.

McKay: I recommend you open a secure channel to the hive via the Daedalus. That way they won't be able to pinpoint Atlantis' position. Weir: And we can always turn the shield on. Sheppard: I believe we have enough combined firepower to take out a single hive if we need to. Weir: Have you ever heard of a Wraith behaving this way? Dex: No. Teyla: Nor have I. Weir: Right. Let's hear what they have to say.

McKay suddenly pipes up with a recommendation, seeming to bridge the two prevailing views: caution and making contact. What is notable is that McKay is standing behind the weapons' officer, a cute blonde woman that he has paid absolutely no attention to, whose station he was standing behind when we had first joined them on the bridge -- because fixing Sheppard up with the drones that he needs seems to be a priority for McKay. He has minions working on other fixes but he is being personally responsible for getting the weapons to work because that is what Sheppard had wanted from him. And given the way they had behaved in the previous episode, it is notable that in this episode neither McKay nor Sheppard seem to pay any attention to any blonde women whatsoever -- and we later see one make quite an obvious pass at Sheppard to which he remains oblivious. Sheppard seems to only have eyes for McKay, looking at him intensely as he speaks. And note that when Sheppard says the word "we," he once more glances at McKay. While he is obviously talking about all of them, Atlantis, the Orion and the Daedalus, he means the two of them as well. His "we" is always Sheppard and McKay first. In order to be able to shoot his load Sheppard needs McKay to roll up his sleeves, spit in his hands and get to work -- and not for the first time.

Continued in Pt. 3

#john sheppard #sga meta #sheppard is bi #sga #mcshep #rodney is gay #rodney mckay #stargate atlantis #ep. allies #ep. the siege #ep. coup d'etat #ep. michael

11 notes · View notes

cybershock24601 · 1 month ago

Note

I think outside of this most recent post talking about the tea party, you haven't really said much about how Spite reacts to or interacts with the Crypt Baby Ingellvar and I'm kind of curious now. Does he clock her instantly, but think it's obvious and keep it to himself? Or what?

The tea party post was really just about any Ingellvar, freaky crypt baby or not, but if we're talking about Joy's dynamic with Spite specifically, he does immediately clock her as a spirit. Joy's somewhere in between a more human Cole and whatever the evanuris have going on for how far she's drifted from her start as a wisp of Joy into being more of person than a spirit but she is still ultimately defined by being full of joie de vivre and wanting to bring joy to others even if there is a lot more complexity to her emotions and desires than a spirit would have. [The joy thing also plays in really well Lucanis' romance line about Rook being able to get rid all his perfectly gathered clouds of doom. Joy's going to make that man happy even if its the last thing she ever does]

So when Lucanis first meets Joy and she introduces herself as Rook, Spite immediately starts referring to her as Joy the same way he refers to Manfred as Curiosity which is very confusing for Lucanis. Even more confusing once he learns that Joy is Rook's legal name because how did Spite know that? Spite doesn't do a very good job of communicating or explaining anything to anyone and his cryptic comments don't start making sense until after the reveal about the ancient elves once being spirits and Joy starts to put some of the pieces together herself (though never really guesses anything about the Necropolis' involvement because why would she?).

Spite does eventually start referring to her as Rook as well because he realizes she's Joy in the same way he was Determination and now she's Rook like he's Spite.

In general though, Rook and Spite get along really well and Rook gets Spite's (and Manfred's) thought process better than she does most people. Spite's driving force may be different but Joy gets what it's like to have your thoughts all obsessively circling around one singular concept that defines all your actions though that urge has lessened over the years for Joy as she's grown. Spite can also do the oddest thing and Joy will be like "understandable, have a nice day" while Lucanis is still struggling to figure out what the hell Spite was thinking. For example, Spite wanting to take a bite out of the magical fade touched self lighting candles? Yeah, Joy's been there, done that and it was not a pleasant experience for the little Crypt Baby.

Also Joy might be able to hear Spite the whole time but I'm still deciding on that fact because it would change some dynamics here.

#literal crypt baby au #rook ingellvar #spite dellamorte #spite dragon age #dragon age #dragon age veilguard #datv

10 notes · View notes

butchreg · 3 months ago

Note

hello dear oomf !! i noticed u said no one has been talking abt yellowjackets s3 w you on here so allow me .... what are ur thoughts !! how did u like it !! i desperately want 2 know what u think the scene right b4 the end ( keeping it vague for those who haven't seen ! ) means bcuz it is so cray n i have nooo clue .... n are u looking forward 2 anything next episode !!! i think we're finally getting that adult shauna + jackie scene next ep so i am soooo excited ayayaya !!

srry 4 tha yap ...... i cannot wait 2 hear more of ur thoughts on it !! i've been talking 2 everyone i know abt it because its making puppy brain go wild ........

EEK thank you for indulging me oomfer 𓈒 i am really still struggling to think coherently i am more of bursting into confetti shouting about it but i really loved the episode 𓈒 it was definitely my favorite so far , i was a tad disappointed with the first episode but really enjoyed the second and this one 𓈒 getting into spoilers here so for anypuppy who hasn't seen leave neowww ! i've been really crashing out over the shaunacent parallels oughgh 𓈒 yellowjackets & hotd are My Niche and it really is soo important to me 𓈒 shauna and alicent are my freaks 𓈒 i'll probably try to write a further analysis and comparison when i'm able to say more than SHAUNACENT over and over but that scene and parallel made me crazy , so sickeningly well done 𓈒 i honestly have no clue what to make of the final scene either 𓈒 it was super interesting and intriguing but i certainly don't think at the moment i have an explanation 𓈒 i have a few half baked thoughts but i'd like to rewatch to fact check myself before getting into them fully 𓈒 i'm so obsessed with adult shauna she is so Fucked Up and tragic , the scene of her ripping into misty really made me insane it was so Shauna of her 𓈒 shauna entirely projecting onto misty who in her own warped way just wants to spend time with a friend 𓈒 she is So freaking interesting , i have loved seeing more of her dynamic with callie this season 𓈒 the scene with the necklace was so sickening and so well done , shauna regressing into who she was in the wilderness despite doing so much to put her life back together 𓈒 loving the callie and lottie interactions and the way lottie warps callie's perception of shauna , of her 𓈒 it is So interesting to me aside from me simply enjoying lottie and callie being silly together 𓈒 also so many (mostly incoherent & mostly insane) thoughts about tai , van and taivan oh my gosh 𓈒 i'm loving that they're diving deeper into both of them individually and as TaiVan it is making me sooo insane 𓈒 it's so interesting to see tai unravelling and i 100% think other tai burned down the cabin 𓈒 the man with no eyes constantly returning is so chilling yet i'm so captivated 𓈒 also a silly side thing but the ice cream parlor being the trans colors 𓈒𓈒𓈒 consider them #clocked 𓈒 i'm super excited to learn more 𓈒 i am SO excited for the adult shauna and jackie scene i think that's my most anticipated moment of the season i am really going to lose it 𓈒 next episode i'm also really looking forward to seeing the aftermath of shauna's reaction to the necklace , i'm wondering if lottie or callie will involve jeff ? i'm also so curious as to what lottie meant saying the necklace never meant what shauna thought it did that moment has been eating at me 𓈒 my puppy brain is also going CRAZAY !!! i was largely unresponsive to the real world yesterday i was sooo lost in the sauce 𓈒 i have more thoughts but they are largely not fully formed and this is already SOUUUper long so i will end it here 𓈒 i will say though that i'm sooo curious if we'll see into shauna's childhood and i really hope so 𓈒 i know there were at least rumors that shauna's mother was casted and ougghhh i would love seeing that so much and perhaps seeing into callie's childhood ? i'd love to see the failfamily dynamic back then i think it'd be so super interesting 𓈒 anyway thank you for indulging me shaunie i smile real big and crazy at you 𓈒

#📮 ꣑ৎ ࣪ㅤ𓈒 mailbox #answered #puppyregceo #mooties ♡#yellowjackets #yellowjackets season 3 #yellowjackets spoilers

4 notes · View notes

wildflowerquill · 2 years ago

Text

I gotta be honest and say that I was disappointed with the interview with Chris for GQ. I don't want to make it seem like I'm rallying against Chris or have Alba haters after me as if I'm siding with them that she's ruined his life (because please get off the internet and touch grass) but that interview was still disappointing.

Namely, I'm super confused at how stans attacked the interviewer for Esquire for 'painting him in a bad light'...when the new GQ interview literally covers all the same topics and is 3x longer, and Chris did himself no favors as far as his pseudo-personal and professional image goes.

Chris doesn't like to talk about himself and spends the whole interview talking about that anxiety about talking about himself? but he'll read the interviews he gives about how much he hates to talk about himself and how he still doesn't like to do interviews because of the way he comes across?...when interviews are essentially about talking about yourself or investigating your experiences about your life and how they relate to yourself? Check.

His main source of someone vouching for him is his mom? Check.

He talks about Dodger's purity? Check.

He admits to not liking a lot of the work he's done but doesn't talk about his ambition to do better? just leave Hollywood behind and be a carpenter? Check.

How much he likes Boston over L.A.? Check

I hate how harsh this sounds but the last thing this thing needed was him to mention how much he likes karaoke, Disney, and his favorite movie is Legends of the Fall. Like, I don't read interviews for the juiciest gossip or rumors. But for good writing by the journalist and to learn about human stories. And SIR, there was nothing about nothing going on here. As an actor that I really like for his work, it was just....frustrating.

I was about 2/3 through when I just started feeling like DAMN, he is really stuck in a mindset cycle that he has not grown out of in three years, at the very least. At some point, I really did feel like if he feels if it's in his best interests to leave Hollywood, feel free to leave. Because he shows an incapability to a) be proud of the work that he does even if it has mediocre responses like everyone faces and b) really challenge himself and go after projects that are apparently what he enjoys about his career like Snowpiercer, Knives Out, etc. I'm not sure what other objective the interview was supposed to have. And, I'm not putting that result on the writer because you really can only do so much padding and 'digging', or in this case, surface-level reporting if your subject is giving so little.

Since I mentioned Alba before, I have no hate or ill towards her whatsoever. If they're married, good for them. I'm happy that he mentioned Alba versus the alternative route he takes which is to never talk about his significant partners. (It is somewhat side-eyed that when the math is mathing and if you rewind the clock ten years, he would've been 32 and she would've been 16).....No one can say what happens behind the scenes and how he is able to help them through the hateful misogynist scrutiny...but at the same time, the fact that she had to deactivate her account months before him due to the attacks, and he only did it for a social media break does subtly speak wonders about how online culture does not give women the grace to be in a public famous relationship as much as it does a man.

Other actors - with just as rabid fans either continue living their life as best as possible doing what they love (Tom Hiddleston despite the racist attacks against his partner) or at least have come out to stans to stay knock it off (Henry Cavill). Two (if not all) of Chris' girlfriends have been thrown to the wolves online - and one (Jenny) mentioned the stress that they were put under by being in that relationship which is neither of their faults...but he never said anything to protect them - it was just to stay off the radar entirely and keep as quiet as possible. They have the privilege and the means to do so, and it's their choice. If he's gonna take a retirement, that's what retirement is - living a low-key life. But it's also somewhat disconcerting to me that his/their form of escaping trolls and haters is just to hole up in his mansion in Boston, and she gets the brunt of the hate online while he continues to promote his projects, Jinx, do A Starting Point, etc. All of their choices are their own, and their adults to make them. I just hope if she decides to continue with her career, she gets the opportunity to do so if he decides to leave Hollywood behind for a while/forever.

I, like anyone, has been a fan of his and had a crush on him at some point that's worn off. But his inability to grow - emotionally, ambitiously in his career, etc. - at least in the interviews he's been recently and throughout his career - is really making me take a step back as a fan, even though I think I'm as far back as one can get.

#chris evans #ce #that's him

23 notes · View notes

misakarose · 5 months ago

Text

happy new year!! 🎉 2024 was a rough one, but I'm holding out hope for 2025 to be a brighter time~

I'm gonna take a rare moment to be a little personal, cuz I'm not usually one to talk much about what's going on in my life, especially not here. but I need to put it down somewhere, and now's as good a time to do it as any, I suppose.

earlier this year, I believe it was around spring, my sister was diagnosed with ALS. technically, her symptoms started subtly about two years ago, and they didn't even present as obvious ALS signs, beginning as just bladder issues. but early this year, she started suffering from muscle weakness in her legs, and it only progressed from there. she stopped being able to work around the beginning of september, and although she was able to use a walker to get around for a while, she's no longer able to walk hardly at all, or really... do much of anything. she's lost almost all strength in her arms, legs, and hands, and can no longer take care of herself.

at the beginning of november, I quit my job to stay home full-time and take care of her, since my mom works full-time and my dad, although retired, was going into basketball season (he coaches) and wouldn't be able to be home all the time. so I've been her primary caregiver for the last two months. we all already lived together, so it wasn't a big deal.

it turned out to be a bigger deal than I was anticipating. it's been HARD. I have a newfound respect to those that work in the caregiving field. I was already doing a lot of caregiver stuff leading up to quitting my job, which is why I didn't think it'd be that big of a step to start doing it primarily, but I was wrong. everything is so stressful and emotional and physically taxing and my mental health has taken a nosedive. on top of everything, we've been having remodeling work done on our house to make it more accessible for my sister (mainly making our bathroom a lot bigger and widening doorways and building a ramp to get out of the house), and it's taken SO MUCH LONGER than we initially believed it would take. our house has been a MESS since august, it's been dusty and loud and we've had to move furniture around all over the place, and it's just taken a huge toll on all of us. we weren't even able to put up ANY of our usual christmas decorations other than our tree, although it had none of the usual colored lights (just white) and it had ZERO ornaments on it. we're huge christmas decorators, so to have a totally bare house was just... very depressing. we've been at each other's throats a lot, emotions have been hard to keep under control, and we've just been WAY in over our heads.

I've recently decided that keeping up the full-time caregiving thing is just not going to be sustainable for me. it's way too much, and I've been feeling really trapped and stressed and my depression and anxiety have been off the charts.

I've never lived on my own, I have always lived with my parents and at least one of my siblings my whole life. it's always been easier for me because of my anxiety issues, and money-wise it's always been cheaper than moving out would ever be. but I've come to the decision that I NEED to get out and learn how to properly start my life. I said in the beginning that I would be helping with my sister through the end of my dad's basketball season, which will be at least until early march, but after that... I'm planning on trying to move out for the first time in my life.

although my parents have told me that it's not my burden to bear and they're totally supportive of me getting out on my own, I still hate the feeling of leaving them to care for my sister on their own. I mean, obviously they'll have professional help, they'll get some kind of in-home nurse to help them, but it still feels like I'm... abandoning them? but I CAN'T keep going the way I am right now, I CAN'T stay trapped at home in my room forever, constantly stressing over the fact that I have NO LIFE. I live on my sister's clock and it's kind of driving me insane.

AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY. like SHE'S the one suffering from this awful disease right?? SHE'S the one who had her entire life screech to a halt. SHE NEEDS HELP AND NOW I'M SAYING IT'S TOO HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I FEEL TRAPPED??

like I KNOW my feelings are valid too, I KNOW I'm not necessarily the enemy and I need to take care of myself too. but... I dunno, it's just been a lot on my mind, especially in these last two months. I've already talked to my parents, I've already made the decision, I'm just... conflicted still.

so yeah... really hoping the new year can help me get a better hold on my own life, cuz 2024 really tore it apart. honestly? I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually make the changes that I want/need to make. there's a lot about the world that I am not knowledgeable about. but I NEED to try.

2025, please be kind to me. and my family. 🙏🏻

#tay talks #feel free to ignore #I guess I just needed to get some stuff out

4 notes · View notes

grayintogreen · 2 years ago

Text

WIP WEDNESDAY

Hello gang! I am about 8k into what's going to be a MASSIVE chapter, so I'm not too far in yet, but I'm getting there! In the meantime, here's a preview:

Beau chewed on her thumbnail as she stared at her board in the library, now laden with new observations that seemed sporadic and random and yet definitely seemed to be becoming more and more like the Pattern that Lucien had sketched out that one day. The new addition of Nerida alongside her connection to Alder Allard and their connection to Jayne put a lot more into perspective, but it still didn’t explain any connection to the Somnovem.

She scribbled a note about the abyssal anchors on a small gap on the board and tapped her chalk-dusted fingers on the amulet around her neck.

“What d’you think, Lu?”

Lucien’s voice in her head sounded miserable- it had been awhile since he’d been trapped in the gem, so she couldn’t blame him for it, though she suspected it went much deeper than that. He’d just been hit with a massive onslaught of new information and none of it made any damn sense.

”I think someone wanted me to hurt and I can’t imagine why.”

“The way you talk about the Somnovem and how they act around you-“ she could feel Lucien flinch, “- maybe you were always being groomed for this.”

”I think that much is obvious, Beauregard.”

“I’m just saying… There’s your Somnovem connection. These people, for whatever reason, wanted you to be driven to become the Nonagon. The question is why you and why do they have so much skin in the Somnovem’s game.”

”Excellent questions, both, aye.”

He wasn’t going to be any further help in this. She found herself irritated by it, even knowing that wasn’t fair. It was easier to be annoyed at him for not being helpful with what could finally crack the secrets to this fucking ordeal and save himself and Molly than it was to focus on the real elephant in the room.

Tomorrow they would be headed to Kamordah.

She wanted nothing more to throw herself into her work and let it consume her utterly until she was nothing but facts and figures and puzzles to be sorted out. If her head was buzzing with information then maybe once they arrived in her old stomping grounds, she would have a shield worthy of catching whatever barbs her dad wanted to throw her way. She could keep herself focused on what mattered and ignore what didn’t, because Thoreau Lionett didn’t matter.

Right.

Family mattered- that was the tragedy of having family. The fucker had done the unthinkable and sold her to the Cobalt Soul and somehow weaseled out of punishment for it and as much as she wanted to be able to hold her head high and walk into his house and laugh in his face about how stupid he was to think someone wouldn’t have clocked him, she knew better. That he was clocked was a lucky break and he still got away with it. Even seeing him embarrassed and disgraced wouldn’t derail the truth.

And yet he mattered. She wanted to find something in him that proved he’d realized his mistake and was willing to apologize. It was a thought that was going to get her hurt and she knew it and that was why she wanted to do everything in her power to avoid thinking about it.

The chalk snapped between her fingers and Beau stared at it with all the confusion of a child that had only just learned it had the capacity for destruction. She let the pieces fall to the floor, uselessly and ran a hand down her face without consideration for the dust on her fingers and exhaled. “It feels like we’re just chasin’ our tails.”

Two hundred pounds of Blink Dog materialized out of thin air and hip-checked her onto the ground. She hollered as she fell, trying to catch herself, but only ended up in a defensive crouch as Rock began to assault her with kisses and whining. Her protests only seemed to make him more enthusiastic about licking her to death.

Yasha’s heavy footfalls preceded her suddenly yanking him off by his collar and cooing at him in Sylvan until he became a rigid obedient and model dog, albeit one panting and smiling like Beau was the greatest thing in the world in his eyes. She shot him a smile and rubbed the dog spit off her face with the back of her hand. “Hey, buddy.”

Rock whined, pawed the ground in a little dance that toed the line between wanting to be obedient and wanting to leap onto her again. He looked to Yasha for permission and she placed a hand on his head and rubbed the soft velvet of his big ears. “Shh shhh it’s okay.” She dipped her head, apologetically, at Beau. “Sorry.”

“Nah, don’t be. I think he knows when I’m stressed.” To show no hard feelings, she cupped Rock’s muzzle in her hands and rubbed the thin fur around his face. In return, he licked the last of the chalk dust off her nose. “You should get him one of those emotional support dog vests.”

“He’s been really good with the Clays,” Yasha shrugged. “He wore Clarabelle out.”

Beau moved her scritches to Rock’s chest and his tail thumped excitedly on the ground. “Caduceus’s family seems… Nice, right?”

Yasha cocked her head to the side the same way a puppy might. “Yeah, I think so. They’re, um… Not like him? I guess he’s dad is a little bit.” She frowned deeper. “I dunno what I was expecting.”

“A bunch of Caduceus clones, all of them, like, spouting insightful shit and being wise and perceptive and, like, self-righteous in a way that’s almost charming?”

“Maybe.”

“Families contain multitudes, I guess.” She winced, realizing that in trying to talk about Caduceus’s family, she’d opened the door to talk about her own. Desperately, she fumbled for a change in subject and landed on someone else’s bullshit instead. “Hey, speaking of that… Lucien, when you were in the Run, did you, uh… Talk to Ophelia?”

Lucien’s sigh filled her head the same way smoke fills an empty room. ”No. I had better things to do.”

“Like pining for us?”

”I wasn’t pining. I was bored.”

“But are you?” Yasha piped up. “Gonna talk to her, I mean.”

He fell silent again for a long moment. ”When I have something to say to that woman, then perhaps. She left me behind because someone offered her a better deal than bein’ my mother. I feel like despite it all, I managed a better deal than bein’ her son. We don’t owe each other anything. She’s not worth all the hate I’ve got in my black heart for others. She was just as much a pawn in this game as I was. I don’t have to forgive her for it, but I recognize that whether fate or gods or nightmares have surrounded me my entire life, they would have pushed her out, eventually, had she stayed. Obviously, I inherited her survival instincts.”

Beau could only dream of being that practical about her family. Never before had she considered she might be jealous of fucking Lucien. She blew out a long breath that made a pbblt sound against her lips. “Not to use you as a hot potato, Lu, but I’m gonna pass you off to somebody else for a tick, so I can have some alone time with my girl.”

“Well, at least you’re being polite about it,” Lucien deadpanned. ”I wanted to talk to Cree anyway.”

“You got it, boss,” she deadpanned right back.

#cr fic #wip wednesday #you can't deny high noon

6 notes · View notes

galacticwildfire · 1 year ago

Text

Leading on from something I reblogged earlier, nothing inspires me more than the fact that the majority of people who partake in my university course are aged probably 40 and over. I live at home due to financial and health reasons and study online. Due to this I've always been hung up on not having that typical uni experience, that's until I actually see that the varse majority of people enrolled aren't fresh out of high school or even their early twenties. They're people with kids and who are coming out of twenty year long careers or longer and studying their passions for no reason other than the fact it brings them happiness. It reminds me that life doesn't end at twenty one and that this ticking clock is just something of my imagination that this hustle cultures put there.

I've had this idea in my head my entire life I'd go into academia, now it's looking like that isn't going to happen both because of grades and because I've realised it just isn't quite for me after three years now of study. I've discovered I have multiple chronic illnesses that I'm learning to live with, mental and physical, after struggling for years without knowing why. My parents are probably going to split up this year and I've learned that I'd rather be single than force myself into a miserable marriage for the sake of societal expectations and to have a marriage, house and kids by the age of 25 like my parents did.

I'm also coming to realise and learn now that if people who have grandchildren are discovering and pursuing their passions then it's never too late to change paths and find what makes you truly happy. It's why I love 90's television, because so many sitcoms are based on people in their mid twenties and thirties finding their way when society is telling me in 2024 that because I'm twenty one without thousands in savings and a serious relationship that I've already failed at life. Watching the nanny also made me realise that I probably won't find myself for a long time to come, that I'll have shitty jobs and shitty relationships and that I'll come out better for it when I'm in my thirties and later. That university isn't the prime of my life despite what I've been told and that it's only just really begun.

I live in a small town where all my immediate friends are in serious relationships and having babies whilst I'm still trying to navigate how to live with these illnesses. I spent five years on and off heavy psychiatric medications whilst being undiagnosed because of the stigma surrounding bpd, hell I'm still officially undiagnosed despite about five doctors having told me that I have it but that they won't or can't officially diagnose me. My old psychologist wanted to diagnose me at seventeen but the governments mental health team refused because they wanted to be able to remove me from the system. Now at twenty one it's on my file as a prognosis and at this point it'll stay that way since I cannot physically access the resources to treat it and doctors don't want to be liable for not providing the proper care. As a result I've been put on medications that have done more damage than good, I've had psychotic and nervous breakdowns that I never really fully recovered from. I was mentally sharper at 13 than I am at 21 due to the medications having affected my memory and cognitive function, and I'm only just beginning to learn to live with that.

Only in the past month I've discovered pcos has been a contributing factor to this with my hormones being completely fucked. I gained twenty kg's, lost fifteen, and then gained the twenty back because of pcos, insulin resistance and quetiapine whilst being told I simply needed to eat less (i was bulimic and starving myself for days at a time). When I began univeristy it was a three year degree I convinced myself I'd finish in just over two years by taking extra classes, now It's going to take nearly four years because of my health problems. I'd planned on doing an honours and then a masters, it looks like I'm going to do neither and I'm learning to be okay with that.

Writing is what I plan to make a career out of, and now as I'm finishing my degree I'm aiming to finish my own original manuscript with the tools I've learned since writing is the one thing I never tire of. I didn't take a creative writing degree because of the pressure from people around me, but I spent years researching history to the point I'd be confident writing historical fiction and screenplays along with articles for public consumption rather than brutal academic criticisms. I've often said studying history at a university level's killed so much of my passion for it because it seems to discourage rather than encourage further study due to the cultural nature of academia.

It's brutal and I've seen so many masters students almost quit, or just quite entirely, because an asshole professor's torn years worth of work to shreds whilst another professor praised them for the exact same piece of work because it's so damn subjective. But because one singular person decided they didn't agree with their thesis or didn't think it was important, they've been all but blocked from continuing on the pathway they've spent years pursuing and unfortunately most people don't have the money to support themselves to retake an entire course because a person who had free university fifty years ago took a dislike to them.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm getting answers to my medical problems and focusing on balancing those and learning to live with them whilst accepting that the plans I made at 17 aren't going to turn out as I'd planned, but that it's okay because I have years to be where I want to be and that life doesn't end because I hadn't gotten there at 21. In ten years I might discover something else that brings me joy that I'm passionate about, hell in thirty years, and I might just change course then as well and be one of those people in my classes who have accomplished so much in their lives and have decided to go and pursue those passions instead of following the career they were forced to choose at eighteen and expected to stick with their entire lives. I'm finally learning that I need to curate my life and career around what is reasonable for myself instead of forcing myself to live up to other peoples expectations.

4 notes · View notes

fantasywriter19 · 2 years ago

Text

1. Melody Riddle and the Sorcerer's Stone Ch.9 The Train to Hogwarts

An alarm clock rang in my ear the next morning, causing me to moan and open my eyes a crack to look around for where it was. My mom was holding the darned thing, with one hand on her hip.

I sat up, grumbling, "Now I know for a fact that I do not have an alarm clock."

"Your grandfather gave it to me for you after I came back last night," she said with a barely-suppressed eye roll. She seemed annoyed, and yet she had never done such a childish action before. Like just being here also changed her whole attitude. She put the alarm clock in my trunk and, closing it, added, “He already put a few candles in there so you can ‘read late at night if you want.'

"He left earlier this morning after getting an emergency owl that a first year broke his wand after having it for his first month. So, he gave me his apologies for not helping in seeing you off." Mom looked at me a moment as I lay there rubbing my eyes to wake up, and her eyes teared up, “I can’t believe you’re already going.”

“Oh, mom, please don’t do that,” I moaned as she engulfed me in a shaky hug. “I’m only gone a little longer than the first time I stayed there. I’ll be back for Christmas… right?”

“I know, I know— oh, just get yourself ready, already!” she let go, covering her face as she sped out.

I sighed, where was that when you were pregnant and gave me to Professor Dumbledore for two months? I got ready quickly, dressing in blue jeans and a black tank top before dragging my trunk out of my room and downstairs. Mom had gotten the cauldron in it somehow. It had to be magic since there was no other way it would fit… all I knew was it was one of many spells I couldn’t wait to learn myself. Bedouin was in his cage in mom’s arms.

"Ready to go?" she asked, now overly perky. Her eyes were slightly puffy, but otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to tell that she had been emotional.

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be." I said, almost resignedly considering how tired I was, and followed her out front. I hadn't left the house in a whole month, so seeing she had a car caused me to need to step back a moment. She’s not going to just Apparate and Disapparate there? Well, no complaints here, this is much simpler to me. Putting the cage and trunk in the backseat, I sat in the front with mom and asked, "Why take a train when there's Apparition?"

"The school thought it would be easier so that there weren't any high probabilities of splinches, and being later than should be allowed."

"Splinches? What's that?" I asked, the word itself sounding like a warning.

”You need to really concentrate on where you want to go when Apparating. So, most people doing it for their first time splinch themselves because they aren't properly concentrating. Splinching is when you Apparate, but you've left part of your body behind at the place you Disapparated from." Mom seemed to look back on a memory with her latter sentence, and shivered in disgust.

I thought about how that could work. It just didn't seem probable to be able to leave a body part behind. “It sounds painful… but how do they get the part back?" I asked.

"Skilled witches and wizards have their ways — they have nurses too, you know. That's why you learn at school first."

"When do students learn how to Disapparate?" I asked.

"When you turn seventeen."

“Sounds like it’s as important as getting a driver’s license,” I said, uncertain about whether or not I even wanted to learn it when just the thought of it made me queasy.

For a while after that, mom drove in silence. The suspense of my curiosity over the previous night bothered the living heck out of me, so considering I didn’t want to spend the whole day on the train wondering about it, I eventually caved.

“Did you find Professor Quirrell last night?”

I wasn’t sure if it was the distraction of the practically open road before her, cars on either side of us after she’d taken a road onto a highway, but she didn’t give me any run-around answers. “I did. We had a nice chat at the Three Broomsticks, I had almost forgotten to pay attention to the time. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him, we just… reminisced.”

“That must have been nice…” I said, struggling to keep some bitterness out of my voice. What would have been nice was more answers than you were willing to give before you ran off to see him. “Did his stutter bother you at all?”

“It was admittedly worrisome, our conversation started out with his incessant stutters. He explained that he took a year sabbatical from teaching — he apparently used to be the Muggle Studies professor, imagine my surprise — and regaled me with the tale of his adventure around the world.”

“You make it sound like it was fun for him… and yet that it’s also the reason he stutters now..” I admitted, confused.

“Oh, I don’t know if he’ll continue stuttering,” she stated confidently. “His stutters slowly went away the longer we talked last night. It was almost like old times. Oh, he explained how traumatized he’d been by the vampires in the Black Forest and some hag in Albania, but I reminded him that we’d done worse.”

“Worse?” I asked. “He’s done worse with you, but got scared of that? I thought you told me he was a coward?”

“Don’t get me wrong, he most certainly was a coward. I like to think I helped him have loads of adventures to prepare him for that trip. It might have just been harder because he was alone that whole time…. Anyway, not to worry, the stutters are over.”

Though something in me doubted it, I couldn’t think about it much more because the train station was now in view. "Do you have my ticket?" I asked instead.

"Oh, yes, right here!" she dug in her pocket and took out the train ticket.

Taking it, I looked at where I would go. I was confused instantly. "Platform nine and three-quarters?! There is a platform nine and three-quarters? I highly doubt this. Who names a platform with a fraction?”

"Yes there is, don't worry about it. That's why I'm here, I'll lead you to it!" mom said with an ecstatic smile.

”I hope you're right,” I muttered, looking it over. It looked valid, but I still figured that there could be no such thing as a platform nine and three-quarters. That would be somewhere between the platforms nine and ten, of course — unless there is a nine, but no ten — and there wouldn’t be anything there! No station is going to put such an odd number in. Imagining a platform seven and a half or a two and a quarter just seemed impractical on the station’s part.

Mom parked the car and we took out my luggage. She carried my trunk while I carried Bedouin's cage. Since he was fast asleep, I wondered if he still would be for much longer once we got into the station with the loud chatter of hundreds of people and the whistles and rumbling of the trains.

Once in the station, we put my things on a cart — or a trolley, as mom named it — and wheeled it through the platforms. When we got to platforms nine and ten, I knew I had reason to be dubious, but mom just smiled.

She faced the wall between nine and ten and beckoned me over. When I came, she stood beside me and put both hands on my shoulder. "Now, we run towards the wall and then we'll appear on the other side. The train is there."

"Are you crazy?!" I asked, looking at it. "If we do have to go through there, wouldn't it be better to walk — you know, in case it doesn’t work, for whatever reason?"

"No, it's better to do it at a run, because if any Muggle is watching then they'd see us walk toward it and disappear. When you do that, they see you run but they don't really see where you disappear to.”

Clearly she knew much more than I did, as she grew up in the wizarding world, but I was still very much concerned about crashing. She already knew what was bothering me. "Don't worry, you have a half an hour until the train leaves. The barrier won't block you out until then."

"Okay," I said slowly, bracing myself.

"Now… go!" mom whispered in my ear, still holding on to my shoulders. We took off at a run. I stared right at the wall, feeling like it was being hurtled at me. But then, we went right through it and there was the scarlet train. A sign above the packed crowd said ‘Hogwarts Express, eleven o’clock.'

I heaved out a sigh — the very breath I'd been holding in when running at the barrier. Looking behind me, there was a wrought iron archway where we had run from that said ‘Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.’

"See?" mom said with a smile.

"Well, no need to brag about being right. Of course you were, you've done this before probably about seven times. And I'm just a silly new first year,” I said, looking at everything and everyone around me. I even peeked in Bedouin’s cage to find him… amazingly still asleep.

“Hey! Hey, Melody!” I heard three people shout… and then for bicker.

Turning around I saw Becky, Addy, and Draco. Draco and Becky stared each other down with some contempt, seemingly arguing, though I couldn’t tell what about.

“Hey… what's going on?" I asked.

“Well,” Addy told me, “Draco overheard us saying we were looking for you. Since he said he’d wait with us for you… er.. now he and Becky are fighting about absolutely nothing.”

"We are not fighting, we are having a conversation about first years and broomsticks,” Becky snapped, then returned her gaze to Draco. "Seriously, it's for the best that first years don't get broomsticks. We learn how to fly our first year and, that way, we don't have to worry about any first years getting hurt in their first Quidditch match."

"Not if they've been flying for years!" Draco retorted.

“Well, you feel that way, you feel that way. You’re always entitled to your opinion,” Addy said amicably.

“Thank you!” Draco responded.

"Someone has got to teach me about Quidditch,” I couldn’t stop myself from saying, shaking my head. For the life of me, I wanted to understand what the sport was about. I was hoping to find it better than Muggle sports — such boring games.

Draco, Addy, and Becky looked at me with shock. They couldn't believe that I had just said that. I took it that even though the girls knew I hadn’t known about the wizarding world for very long, they must’ve assumed my mom would tell me about Quidditch.

"What?!" I asked, attempting not to feel unnerved by Draco’s wide eyes. After a month holed up with all the coursebooks, it just seemed to me that if I was going to be friends with this boy, he had to find out sooner or later that I was still figuring this world out. And what better than to give some part of the truth?

"I thought you told me you were against Muggles!" Draco said accusingly. "If you aren’t one, then how do you not know about Quidditch?”

I could see mom give a look at me out of the corner of my eye, but she thankfully didn’t say anything.

"I am… it's just I didn't know about it until May." I said, glaring at mom for emphasis.

With a turn, mom let out a cough where I could hear hidden within it, “Don’tcare! — Oh, excuse me.”

“Oh…… I should tell you all about it then! Here, let me show you which compartment I'm in,” Draco said, instantly setting off in search for his spot on the train. It’s worrisome how different he seemed to act toward me in assuming I had to be Muggleborn.

Even Addy and Becky looked at me with short glances at each other, not moving.

I sighed, grateful Draco was out of earshot, “My mom told me to make friends, and he was the first one I came across in Diagon Alley so I went with it. I don’t have anything against Muggleborns.”

Mom’s grumbles of, “Blame me, does she..” as she walked away were accompanied by the girls’ understanding giggles.

“I’ve got to tell you, that’s a relief…. Well, he’s welcomed us into his compartment, but he doesn't like Becky very much,” Addy said, causing Becky to harrumph.

“Well obviously it’s because you talk back to him, Becky,” I observed, to her piqued interest. “I should suppose that he doesn't like that. Addy and I let him think what he desires while you attack and question him. That’s all.”

Becky smiled maliciously. "Ooh, I shall have some fun with him then." She rubbed her hands together, looking evil in that second until Draco came back to us wondering why we hadn’t followed. She then quickly threw her hands behind her back.

⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛ ⚯͛

“I will miss you, mom,” I reassured her, about five minutes before the train was supposed to be setting off.

“I’ll miss you, too, sweetheart," she said, tears in her eyes. "I can't believe how soon this happened."

"I'll be back home before you know it,” I said, hoping her tears wouldn't start falling again.

"Don't mind me, I'm just being sentimental!" she said, hugging me tightly.

"Well, don't keep hold of me for too long or I'll miss the train and have to stay with you until next year,” I said jokingly, causing mom to let go of me with a little laugh.

"All right, all right, I love you Honey. See you at Christmas!" she said.

I jumped onto the train, turning to her with a wide wave, "See you then!”

I made my way to my compartment where two… large first years were putting trunks and pet cages, including my own, in the above trunk holders. “Uh.. thank you,” I said to them.

"Oh, no need. I had them put it up there." Draco said, sitting by the window, and the two sat down next to him. Addy and Becky were sitting across from them, looking at the bigger boys with a sense of insecurity.

Like bulky bodyguards, I thought to myself as I took my seat — across from Draco and next to the window — next to Addy. "Ok then, I guess I'll thank you, too." Be agreeable, that's what this boy prefers in friends. I can do that.

Draco smiled and then set off instantly on the rules of Quidditch just as the train started moving. The concept was ‘simple.’ There were seven players. One seeker, one keeper, two beaters, and three chasers on each team; and they all had very important parts in the game. Just as he started to tell me about what each player did, his 'bodyguards' stood up.

"What is it?" Draco asked them sharply.

"You said you wanted to go look around the train,” one of them with short, bristly hair said, shrugging his shoulders dully. “Soon as the train left the station, you said.”

“Oh, right," he said, only mildly disappointed as he stood up. To me he said, "I'll tell you more later." He walked right out with his two bodyguards following close behind.

"How on Earth did he get them to follow him around?" I asked aloud.

"I don't know… but they aren't very smart, are they?” Becky noted, looking at the door warily, as if they might come back in. “They could easily snap that cretin in half if they wanted to. Instead they listen to everything he tells them.”

I hummed in thought. "Do they even have names?"

"Oh yes, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle,” Addy said. "But Malfoy just calls them Crabbe and Goyle.”

"Just like how you're only calling him Malfoy." I replied. What is the point in calling people by their last names? Even mom called Professor Snape ‘Snape,’ and they used to know each other.

“Right,” she said matter-of-factly.

At that, we started hearing a great clattering outside in the corridor. Moments after, a small, dimpled witch showed up at the door asking, "Anything off the trolley, dears?"

All three of us stood up and looked over what she had. I saw a lot of different kinds of candy, all of which had been in that candy store the twins took me to. Maybe this woman works there, too, I thought.

When the twins snuck me into Honeydukes, I had decided on a Pumpkin Pasty which, though I hadn’t had high expectations, it had actually been a decent treat. To try something new this time I picked up a Chocolate Frog, paid the woman for it, and went back to my seat by the window.

Becky came back with a couple Pumpkin Pasties and Cauldron Cakes, whereas Addy grabbed Drooble's Best Blowing Gum and a couple Licorice Wands.

"Are these really different from Muggle candies?" Becky asked as I carefully opened my Chocolate Frog.

“Mostly yeah. They’re nothing magical, but they're still candy. Still sweet as life.”

“Becky just can’t seem to believe that I took a dare from my brothers where I had to spend one day in the Muggle world,” Addy said, popping a gum in her mouth with satisfaction. "I got a couple candies from a candy shop, and they are sweet. But I noticed that, with the gum, they don't make very large bubbles before popping and they run out of flavor really fast.”

“That’s one good example,” I said, finally pulling the Chocolate Frog out of the package. It squirmed in my hand like a real frog. “This is another example. If they made a chocolate frog in the Muggle world, it wouldn’t be able to move like a real frog. It’ll stay inanimate.” I took a bite out of the frog, happy that it stopped wriggling after I did so. I looked back at the box to see if they put ingredients on the label like in the Muggle world, but got distracted as something inside the box caught my eye. I pulled out a card.

"Ooh, which card did you get?" Becky asked me excitedly.

”Salazar Slytherin…" I said, reading the name. Slytherin as in the House? But not only was there a name, there was a picture of him too. He wore all black, a piercing stare, two rings (one on his index and the other on his pinkie), a pendant around his neck, was bald, bushy eyebrows, and was stroking his gray beard. He looked sort of… monkey-like.

“Wow… he is not very good looking, is he?" Becky said, "Read the back."

I turned the card over and read aloud:

Salazar Slytherin

Medieval

(precise dates unknown)

One of the four celebrated

Founders of Hogwarts School of

Witchcraft and Wizardry,

Salazar Slytherin was one of the first recorded

Parselmouths, an accomplished

Legilimens, and a notorious

champion of

Pureblood supremacy.

I read that to myself again and again, not believing my eyes. He was an accomplished Legilimens… I remembered Professor Snape saying that as a spell to get into my head. I wondered, out of all the cards there must possibly be… how ironic is it that I got this one? How ironic when my own dad was also in this House?

“That’s so cool," Addy said enviously. "I have so many copies of Morgan Le Fay, it’s not even funny. It’s like hers is the only one I can pull…. You got one of the Founders of Hogwarts.”

"Yeah, the ugly but accomplished one,” Becky remarked.

I chuckled, "Right."

"Hey, speaking of House. Which one do you think you're going to be in?" Addy asked me…. The deadpanned look on her face when Becky answered her first made me laugh.

"I'm not quite sure," Becky said thoughtfully. "Both of my parents were in Ravenclaw, so I’ll probably just end up there. Even my brother is in Ravenclaw. If I don't make it into that House, he'll send a letter to my parents to begin the shaming. What about you?"

Addy stared at Becky with her expression unchanged, and Becky stared back as though oblivious to her annoyance. Instead of arguing it, Addy shrugged as she answered, “My dad was in Gryffindor and my mum was in Ravenclaw. It doesn't matter to me where I go, really. What about you, Melody?"

"My mom was in Ravenclaw… and she says my dad was in Slytherin. I don't know, I might end up in Ravenclaw. I enjoy reading — I read all the books we have for the year just this past month,” I said, causing both girls to look at me wide-eyed. “What? Is that too excessive?”

"I did, too! I have the course books learned by heart!" a voice exclaimed from the hallway.

We turned to see a girl with bushy brown hair, some rather large front teeth, and she was already wearing her school robes. I hadn't even heard the compartment door open.

"Oh right," she said as if realizing something very important. "Have any of you seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one."

"We haven't seen any toads in here," I said. "But did you say you memorized the book? I didn’t even do that. When I read, I find a way to explain myself so I have it in my own words.” It was at that very moment I felt disgusted with myself for showing the girl up as an even better know-it-all. I bit my tongue to keep from saying more. Ravenclaw, indeed.

“Oh, well," she said, without a care to give. "Have you tried any spells yet?"

“I couldn’t do one at home, obviously, but I could try one now. Is it okay for us to do it on the train?" I asked.

"Oh yes, I've done a few and they've all worked for me!" she proclaimed. "Well, let's see what you can do."

"Are you making another new friend?" Addy asked me. "Boy, you're popular!”

The sense of humor on this girl, I thought sarcastically, giving her a fake laugh. I took my wand out of my pocket, stood on my seat and reached into my trunk to pull out the alarm clock. When I sat back down, I placed it on the floor in front of me. "The severing charm… Diffindo!" waving my wand — the way I’d endlessly practiced — at the alarm clock, it splintered into many pieces. I felt my heart leap. "Now the mending charm… Reparo!" The clock was then swiftly brought back together, good as new.

The girl clapped her hands approvingly, "That's incredible!" Then she held her hand out to me, "I'm Hermione Granger."

I took her hand and shook it, "Melody Riddle, nice to meet you."

She walked back to the door, "I better keep looking for Neville's toad, but I'll see you later. Oh, and you best put your school robes on. I think we're very nearly there." She was gone as quickly as she’d appeared.

”She's fairly bossy, isn't she?" Becky asked.

"Sure seemed that way,” Addy replied, blowing a large bubble with her gum that popped across her face. We chuckled as she groaned and began pulling the substance away from her cheeks.

“Great,” I said grimly, placing the alarm clock back into my trunk. “If we get into Ravenclaw, she will probably be there, too.”

“That’s the downside of most Ravenclaws. Being stuck up about knowing everything,” Becky sighed. “Why’d you bring an alarm clock anyways?"

"My grandpa gave it to me,” I said. "Don't know what made him do that. He even gave me candles in case I wanted to read late at night.… Of course, maybe he’s expecting me to be a Ravenclaw just as much as he and mom were.”

“Well,” Addy rolled her eyes, managing to pull more strings of gum from her face, “let's get into our robes before that girl comes back and asks why we didn't follow her instructions.”

I laughed, standing to get to my trunk and taking out my robes. I put them on, actually finding them quite comfortable over my regular clothes. I sat back down again and looked out the window, thinking we probably still had many hours to go.

Sometime later, Draco came back with Vincent and Greg. One of the boys' hands was red from dried blood and I jumped to my feet when I saw it.

"What happened?" I asked.

"We went to Potter's compartment and some disgusting rodent bit Goyle,” Draco panted.

Ah, so it is Greg's hand. Good to know who's who now. I took my wand out and walked over to Greg. His hand wasn't bleeding as freely as it must have when the incident happened, but I could see the dried spots.

I raised my eyebrow at him as a question to help him and he hesitantly gave me his bleeding hand. Pointing my wand at it, I softly said, "Tergeo." I watched in fascination as the blood washed away, and then went to my trunk to take out a small bandage. It was simple then to stick it over the small wound on his knuckle.

"How do you know that spell?" Draco asked, starry-eyed.

”My mom decided over the past month that I needed to know a little healing should something come up and there's no teacher around." I said. "So she taught me the spell for cleaning pretty much anything— which, of course, includes blood."

"Melody, you really ought to be in Ravenclaw like your mum!" Addy said admiringly, "You already know so much."

"Your mother was in Ravenclaw?" Draco asked. "I didn't know that."

"Yeah, because in Diagon Alley, I didn't know either. Well, you were rambling on about your certainty on getting into Slytherin anyways,” I said, with a nod from Draco. "Except it seemed your parents knew her very well. Perhaps because my dad was in Slytherin."

He looked up in surprise. "My parents knew her? How are you so sure about that?"

"Back in Madam Malkin's," I said, realizing once again that he hadn't paid much attention to what had happened between the adults. "Your parents and my mom had a short conversation, and they looked slightly surprised to see her. They knew each other.”

"You're very observant,” Becky commented.

Just then, a voice echoed all throughout the train, ”We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes' time. Please leave your luggage on the train. It will be taken to the school separately."

"Wait, so I even leave my cat here?" I asked, looking up at a wide-eyed Bedouin looking around the compartment from his cage.

"Yeah," Becky said. "They'll be in our rooms when we get to them. No worries. Addy and I are leaving our cats here, too, so none of them will be lonely. Your cat will be fine."

"You guys also got cats?" I asked, looking up at where Bedouin's cage was. Next to him was a cage with another black cat, and the other cage housed a tabby cat.

"All right, then,” I relented, as the train slowed to a stop.

We all pushed our way out onto the tiny, dark platform. The night air was cold, but I didn't pay much heed to it because Addy and Becky sidled up next to me in a warm huddle.

We stayed in this form even as a lamp came bobbing over everyone's heads, and a voice shouted, "Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?"

I saw the same large man I had seen in Diagon Alley, and there was that same boy up in the front that had been walking with him that day.

"Potter,” Draco whispered to us in disgust.

“Right, your visit to his compartment didn’t go over well,” I noted.

“He’s made both the wrong friend and wrong enemy,” he replied softly.

I could only stare at him, “Overdramatic much?”

"C'mon, follow me —” the man said, “any more firs' years? Mind yer step now! Firs' years follow me!"

"Hagrid is such an overgrown oaf,” Draco said with a chuckle.

Taking context clues from how Draco addressed most people, I guessed that Hagrid was the man’s surname. ”What is Mr. Hagrid in charge of besides taking the first years to the castle?" I asked.

Everyone had looked at me strangely, but Draco answered me gladly. ”I heard he's the gamekeeper. Some savage servant living in a hut on the school grounds, every now and then getting drunk and trying to use magic, mostly just setting fire to his bed.”

“How do you know all that?” I asked curiously.

“My father’s on the Board of Governors here at Hogwarts,” he said. “He knows everything that happens here. And that gameskeeper is a constant problem.”

I turned my face as my mouth automatically set into a thin line. Of course his father is…

We all stopped talking as we followed Mr. Hagrid down the steep, narrow path.. or what seemed to be since there was only darkness on either side of us.

"Yeh'll get yer firs' sight o' Hogwarts in a sec," Mr. Hagrid called over his shoulder at us, "Jus' round this bend here."

There were sudden exclamations of “Oooooh!” as we all turned the corner.

I had already seen the castle before, but it looked so much prettier with the night sky surrounding it and having the lights in the castle on to twinkle in the moonlight.

"No more'n four to a boat!" Mr. Hagrid shouted out, pointing to a cluster of little boats just sitting still in the water by the shore. The boys all went into one boat so Becky, Addy, and I jumped in another followed by some girl with a hard face and short black hair.

Mr. Hagrid was on a boat by himself when he called out, "Everyone in? Right then — forward!"

As the boats moved forward, everyone just stared at the castle before them. I, on the other hand, was looking into the water at the reflection of the moon. The water looked like a hard surface when I placed my attention on the wide spaces that didn't have any boats.

"Heads down!" I heard Mr. Hagrid yell.

Looking up, the first few boats had reached the cliff and the students in them bowed their heads down. After it was time for us to duck, we were all carried along a dark tunnel, seemingly taking us down underneath the castle until reaching an underground harbor where we all got out of the boats onto a ground of rocks and pebbles.

Mr. Hagrid checked each of the boats, and then called out to a round-faced boy, "Oy, you there! Is this yer toad?"

"Trevor!" the boy cried happily. That must be Neville, I thought.

Then Mr. Hagrid led the way up a passageway until we came out onto smooth, damp grass that lay within the shadows of the tall castle. Addy sighed contentedly… she clearly hadn't liked clambering up the passageway. Meanwhile, Becky was smiling excitedly.

We then walked up a flight of stone steps, crowding around the huge, oak front door of the school.

"Everyone here?" Mr. Hagrid asked, then looking back at Neville. "You there, still got yer toad?" Then he knocked on the door three times.

< Previous Chapter -Table of Contents- Next Chapter >

#melody riddle #harry potter fandom #voldemort's daughter #draco malfoy #becky figsund #addy gentz #hermione granger #platform nine and three quarters

3 notes · View notes

gnvrh · 19 days ago

Text

LifeOr... Nothing Left To Lose

ㅤㅤ🎧 Listening To: How You Get The Girl and Message In a Bottle by Taylor Swift ㅤㅤ📺 Watching: Clown in a Cornfield by Eli Craig and Until Dawn by David Sandberg ㅤㅤ🧭 Map: Richmond Street and King Street

Queued in my drafts are six entries that I need to finish. On my clock, it marks 01:24 a.m. on a Sunday where I have a shift at work at 1:00 p.m. In my glass, there’s wine. In my AirPods, there’s How You Get the Girl and Message In a Bottle by Taylor Swift. And in my heart, there’s this feeling that is becoming more and more recurrent — of how worth living my life is. The high of life that I was so afraid I would never feel again ever since I left Brazil is finally taking over me again. The high that doesn’t need illicit things to be sparked, because it’s the high of intangible, but still so real, possibilities. The high of knowing I can have everything I want in my life if I’m brave enough — but knowing that I am brave enough, because I’m writing these words in a different country from where I was born, after all. I can belong anywhere. I keep having this sensation inside of me, that feels stronger than just a gut feeling, that I know exactly what I need to do to get everything I want in life. It’s not a word. It’s not a plan. It’s just a feeling. It's not a thing I have completely, but that I'm reaching towards, slowly but steady.

Ever since I left Brazil, I lost everything. I lost the stability of a safe and promising career. I lost the friends that I made and the confidence I never knew I had, because it was just in me. I lost the safety of my comfort zone. But pointing out all the things that I lost is not a negative thing — it’s a reminder. I don’t see it as a game I’m losing, but a game that I’m learning how to win. Deep inside, I’m still a scared person. I can’t see my friends going up high on a swing set without being scared that they will fall and hurt themselves. This fear that I always had in me made me plan every single step of my journey so far, from the moment I set foot in the airport that led me to this seat I’m in right now, pouring out these overstimulated, but truthful thoughts. I’m a control freak that needs to be sure I have everything organized so I can face everything that is not organized. However, that doesn’t stop life from surprising you. The perfectly laid out plans that I had, as I already talked about here, didn’t pan out the way I wanted. In fact, they mostly happened in the complete opposite direction, shaking my ground, unbalancing my core, and destabilizing me to the point of desperation. And in all that desolation, I faced the truth that I am not who I used to be, and that was intoxicating, exhilarating, but above all, terrifying. I’m becoming someone else. I’m being pulled towards things I feel deep in my heart but that I'm still not sure that I should want or that I can get it, and I’m doing things I had never done before but that feels possible. I’m watching life unfold in front of me with a directionless map that shows me that I need, more than ever, to surrender. To trust. To commit. And I need you to believe me when I say this: it’s blood-curdling. How can I let go if the first thing we humans do is think about everything that can go wrong? I don’t know what’s going to catch my fall. What if it’s rocks and not safe arms? What if I do land safely on the ground but see that around me there is everything but what I always thought was what I need in perfect dreams and Pinterest boards? I know it would still be real, because of my safe fall — but how would it feel to watch all my certainties shatter? Would I ever be able to stop wondering?

It’s not like I thought about this for the first time now. This whole thing has been building and boiling up for ages now. All the self-awareness I sometimes curse (and that I remember exactly how it started: a few years ago when I discovered more about our Ego and Shadow) led me to this state of mind that feels so real to me, but that I’m scared may sound like crazy talk. But the simple truth is: how can a simple walk from a double feature at the movies — where I watched Clown in a Cornfield and Until Dawn — make me realize, once more, that the best thing I ever did was leave Brazil? Having the necessity to start over made me put so many things into perspective, and that made me see things in different ways. It’s true when they say that unsteady waters make good sailors, because right now I really am that white-dressed man with the hands on the helm. Even though spring came to ease the fears that winter brought to my life, there are a lot of things I’m still unsure about, but for the first time ever, I’m not trying to fix them immediately. I’ve come to learn that there’s no reason to lose my mind over certain things, because there’s nothing to be done but to see what happens. It’s a lesson that I know I needed to learn a long time ago, but that only now I am starting to grasp.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t want to become some crazy spiritual guy who thinks he’s too evolved. I still want to mess up and do stupid shit in my life. And I don’t want to sit at a bar table and read Dostoevsky, listen exclusively to classical music, only talk about old French movies, and follow wizards’s teachings and techniques. Which I don’t think I will anyway, because I know that I still want to spend the rest of my days reading queer novels by Adam Silvera, get obsessed with all the Taylor Swift songs I can get, and watch movies about coming of age. But inevitably, when there’s nothing to be done but grow yourself up, some things will end up being left behind, and I’m already feeling those things slipping away. What is funny is that, again, I don’t feel like I am really losing them. I won't lie, I still get sad when I think about some possibilities that seemed so bright in my mind but that were rusty and impossible in reality. I still get worried that I might be completely wrong about everything and make a fool out of myself. But I know that my gravity is centered, and that, for worse or for better, this is where I’m supposed to be. And I’m so grateful. I’m grateful to know that I have friends I can talk to about these crazy thoughts and be understood. I’m grateful to have hands to hold when I feel triggered by things I never knew would trigger me. And, most importantly, I am grateful that I have places to come back to: myself and home. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know if I’ll get there. It’s always easier wrote than done. But I know I will “try” my best to do it. Everything is close enough to reach, and it’s just too late to back down now.

#LifeOrGabeNeverHappened

0 notes