#XxIm not ashamed of who I am but of the hurt Ive causedxX

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Headcanon

You know, I was re-watching the episode for gif reasons and saw Bernie playing with her bracelet on the stairs (which I associate with her stims so much by now I didn’t really didn’t register the first few times) and it hit me that her bracelet looked extremely familiar.... Actual fidget bracelet to help her with her stress. I’m here for it. 

(gif cred)

(gif cred)

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Journal Entry

In the top corner read the date. The book had filled up faster than she expected...how many days had it been? She didn’t want the answer a simple flip of pages would give.

I dreamt last night

She paused, gaze lifting off the page into the room as she listened to the sound of her own breathing.

“Cam was there.”

Her eyes dragged back to the page as her brows struggled not to furrow.

It was a good dream for a change. I’d thought it was real at the time. Silly of me I know. Waking and realizing it was just a dream was

another pause as her mind drifted over the sinking in her stomach, the tears, and the brief regret she had ever woken.

not the best start to the morning but I’m glad I had it. I told Serena about it. She had similar dreams about Elly. It's easier to talk about with Serena, not just because it's Serena, but because she understands. She knows how empty people's condolences feel. When it's just us, we can be unashamedly resentful of a world that seems shallower now. Maybe that's self indulgent of us but somehow I don't think anyone will hold it against us. Have a therapy session in a few hours that I'm not exactly looking forward to. Will write later.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Serena Campbell: absolutely FUMING at some poor repair shop dude over the phone

Bernie I-know-bugger-all-about-how-to-fix-a-car Wolfe: Oh HELLO. Car troubles? Let me come over to help...oh no not with the car...that’s cactus...but I can certainly try to win a smile from you in your time of stress. *PULLS OUT ALL THE STOPS TO CHARM SERENA’S PANTS OFF*

[honeycombwerewolfe]

A Wolfe and her Courage

There are things in the world some fear more than weapons, fists, and even death. Some people spend a lifetime hiding from a pain that seems callous to call rejection, failure, or the countless other names it takes.  Sometimes there is more courage in you than you know: more than you will let yourself see.

I was a coward, I ran.

If only I was brave enough...

Because I was a coward

Dutch courage

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Bernie’s New Journal

The binding creaked, pages flitting from her thumb like the shuffle of a worn deck of cards as she opened it. It wasn’t thickened by damp ruined pages or mementos shoved between pages. The leather bound journal was crisp and new...pages unfilled. White textured paper staring back at her: waiting. Serena had tried to give Bernie’s journal back a while ago but Bernie had told her to keep it. That -

“- it was always meant for you, Serena.”

She had plenty of opportunities to start up again when she moved in with Serena but she never even took the plastic off the new one Serena bought her. There were plenty of excuses she could give but the truth was Bernie was afraid of the words she would fill those pages with. Afraid even if she tried to fill it with plants and Serena...that the militia would bleed through until the journal was saturated with everything Bernie wanted least to think about.

A little over a month had passed since the explosion at Holby. There had been plenty to keep her busy...but now there was too much quiet for her thoughts to spill into. Instead of spending another day crying out all her energy until she was a zombie...instead of allowing herself to drag Serena through the pain of being the only thing carrying Bernie through her grief...Bernie picked up the journal and decided to at least try to pick up some of the slack. Sat curled up in a reading chair with a hot cup of coffee and a pen, she stared warily down at the first page.

She scribbled the city and date at the top, mostly so she wouldn’t have the blank page looming there.

.

I’ve only melted down once today. All things considered, a better day than yesterday. I’m worried about Charlie. Some time away from that flat would be good for her. People have the potential for such cruelty under the cowardice of anonymity. Crueler still when the mob feeds into it. I swung by again Tu Wednes no, Tuesday to help clean up the latest graffiti and make sure she was eating. The inside of her flat may have actually been worse off than anything anyone else did to the outside. She’s still refusing to come stay with Serena and me at the B&B. It may have been a tight fit when she slept on the bed here with Serena and me the last time but it was good to have her near again.

.

The pages filled on the days that followed were much the same. Entrees that followed the footprints of one Major Berenice Wolfe through dreary day after dreary day. Cam’s death and the events surrounding it were never mentioned but they were still present underneath each entree...permeating every activity, action, and emotion of herself and those around her.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Headcanon

Cameron was the first family member to tell Bernie it was okay.The first to tell her that things would be better if she was just herself. Her true self. That was all she needed to be...not an ideal or a hero or a legend. It was enough to be regular, flawed, and very much gay Berenice Wolfe. He told her she didn’t have to be afraid to tell the truth and held her hand and for the first time in months she had some support outside of her new coworkers.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Would teach her kids to peal the pistachios instead of do it for them ...but yeah that still gave her empty nest feels

[honeycombwerewolfe]

wouldn’t use a notes app like in that post but definitely writes down little notes about Serena’s likes and idiosyncrasies in her journal.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Oh the precarious balance between being touch starved and terror of being rejected for asking for it...for needing that form of human connection.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Do you have any scars? How did you get them?

"A few, yes." More than that she did not say. There were the older scars of course, from the C-section, the bilateral oophorectomy, the one on her neck and chest from the operations after the IED. Then there were the ones that would be left behind once the wounds on her forehead and arm healed fully. While they aren't scars, she also has some healed fractures: on a few ribs, her left clavicle, jaw bone, and nose.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Trauma headcanon - 1, 11, 16, and 18

//Ok, so here’s the thing...I started answering these as the verse: together at last because for a brief moment I forgot that a verse where Bernie was alive but dragged through ALL THE TRAUMA existed. And I like my answer so now you have one long ass post about the answers for both verses...sucks for yoouuuu =P Putting below cut for tidy dashboards

V:Together at Last

1. What’s the worst you’ve ever felt?

Bernie looked off to the side with a pained attempt at a smile. "When," - she took a sharp breath - "during the divorce, when Cam and Charlotte..." - Bernie turned her face up to the ceiling, visibly trying to keep her emotions in check. - "weren't talking to me and I wasn't sure...they would ever forgive me. For...leaving their father, for choosing my career over them, for never being mother of the year...or mother of the hour for that matter." - The joke felt heavy on her tongue and the shirked brow more bitter than playful. - "A time when I ended up hurting everyone I cared about...and dealing with the repercussions of that."

11. Do you have nightmares about it?

“Thankfully no.”

16. Do you think you’ll be able to ever recover fully?

“Healing the relationship with my kids has made all the difference. Marcus and Alex...” - She tugged her head to the side with a sad smile. - “Friends I wish I hadn’t hurt...who could still be in my life.”

18. What do you need to hear to feel better?

“The family I have now is all I need.” True happiness reaches her eyes for the first time. Now, on to the PAIN!

V: All they found were her dogtags

1. What’s the worst you’ve ever felt?

Bernie stares dead ahead but nothing registers. She can’t bring herself to answer.

11. Do you have nightmares about it?

“Yes.”

16. Do you think you’ll be able to ever recover fully?

“No.” There’s no pause but her voice is barely audible.

18. What do you need to hear to feel better?

Bernie finally looked at the speaker, eyes dull and face heavy. “There” - her voice caught a moment before she pushed on with slow deliberate words, the void of her face finally breaking with a frown - “isn’t anything that can make this feel better...nothing you say will bring him back.” Nothing will change what happened.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

H, M, T, V for the smutty ask

(AOBTP) answers to this meme

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Was going to answer this one in character and then right off the bat, with the first question, she went NOPE. Your answer, anon, is no they do not match and the drapes are...maintained.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

“Serena Campbell does a fine job of it.” If you’d like a more detailed answer, Bernie likes a bit of mitigated risk, a low seductive voice making only the most salacious contributions, and giving over control to someone who would keep her safe.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

“I have a few I use on Serena...myself? Not really...I mean I’ve used a wartenberg wheel, a ball gag...Suppose I’m more of a hands on kind of girl.”

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Bernie is usually pretty quiet but has been known, on occasion, to let out a sizable moan...still not quite on par with Serena. Most of the time, it’s whispered appraisals or pleas along with Serena’s name and bit back groans.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Smutty headcanon - A, C, I, J, and Q

(AOBTP) answers below cut - from this meme

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

After sex Bernie is more sensitive to touch than normal and will sleepily seek out cuddles and skin to kiss and caress.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Bernie leans more towards cleaning up Serena’ skin with her tongue rather than a towel...partly because she enjoys watching Serena during it, partly for the cool down period it allows Bernie, and partly because at that point she doesn’t want to get up and leave Serena to fetch the towel.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Bernie is all about cherishing Serena and making her feel loved even in the most raunchy and needy moments.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Bernie’s not a fan of dildos or vibrators. She’d prefer to have a partner and finds it a bit embarrassing but needs must.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Bernie bit back a grin, eyebrows shrugging suggestively. Truth be told, there was something about the urgency in a quickie.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Your tags… why do I feel like Bernie is very VERY disconnected to the value of money. Esp since she married Marcus and they have the inherited house and there’s only so many weeks she’s not in the middle of a desert w no way of spending anything. So when she’s in the UK, she sees something, she wants it, she buys it. After the divorce, her card gets declined and Serena asks what her bank app says and Bernie is ????? They have an app????? Because this is a woman who hasn’t checked her finances since she set up a direct debit for Cam’s uni support FIVE YEARS AGO. Meanwhile Serena, who was a single mother very much not in recipient of a dual income army-bonus no-mortgage kind of spending money is absolutely HORRIFIED. How this woman is functioning in society she will NOT comprehend. [1/2]

(YES! My thoughts exactly: only yours are so so much better flushed out <3 And Bernie would so be the person who does all her banking -setting up the auto payments and deposits included- at the physical bank until Serena came along.)

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Headcanon

Bernie is messier than Serena in all spaces except hotel rooms or other short term stays. Well...she still has the takeout trash lying around but all her stuff stays neatly packed in her luggage and toiletry bag. Serena prefers to unpack and use the closet and drawers. Not to say unpacking is a messy habit but it’s the only time Bernie keeps up with Serena’s tidy streak.

[honeycombwerewolfe]

Headcanon Time

Bernie does everything to stack the odds in her favour when there's a bet circling it's way around AAU. She may take the same approach to playing poker. You don't go undefeated that long from just the 'luck of the cards.'