#Yuuya still gets thrown in the pond for the lols

[frowerssx2]

Cracks of anxiety-A Hatoful Boyfriend fic (new):

My side of the Hatoful Boyfriend art trade with the lovely @donuts4evry1. I truly hope you like the updated version of the story.

(Please note that this has only been checked by me (who has dyslexia) and Grammarly, so please let me know if there are any grammar or punctuation mistakes)

Everybirdie will be in their human forms.

………………….

Tonight was the launch of the second Le Bel Christmas party. After the first was literally blown up by the Christmas obsessed hybrid children Miru and Kaku, Sakuya had a lot to prove.

Everything must go as planned tonight.

Everything must be perfect and so, Sakuya had it all planned from the very last detail and second. First, he must stand in front of his luxurious golden mirror within his bedroom, and let the tailors expertly fit him in a figure-hugging dark blue tuxedo with golden flower stitches. He must stand here like a scarecrow so he could be transformed into the image of wealth and perfection. 

“Is the outfit to your pleasing Master Sakuya?” asked one of the tailors. In reaction, Sakuya shifted this way and that, his sky blue eyes looking for any imperfections. Nothing must be out of place. Everybirdie attending knows who he is and what title he carries. 

He cannot allow any of them to judge him harshly. 

“That it is” Sakuya simply said with a tone as flat and empty as a piece of paper, stepping off the little fabric stool with the elegance of a Swan. He then looked towards the two tailors and for a brief moment, he wondered if he should thank them for their service.

But what was the point? 

Wasn't it their job him in the clothes they created? 

If anything, THEY shouldn't be thanking him. After all, he was the heir of the Le Bel family, a noble of great privilege, wealth, and responsibilities, plus like his father always said:

"It was not the bulb of a light you admired, but the shade and pole that holds it together"

And so, Sakuya blanked the two tailors just like he was taught and silently put on his black gloves before leaving the room, ignoring the angry glares the two commoners gave him...

He was above them both; he should not need to thank them for their paid services. That was not the noble way, that is not what he was taught. But yet, as left the room, Sakuya felt a heaviness in his heart that threatened to overwhelm him. Politeness and respect is the most important thing within the noble and high-class community but yet, it is never given to those of lower birth, even though they too, worked for their worth and wealth...

Suddenly, small black cracks ran up the marble walls surrounding him. 

Sakuya easily recognized them. How could he not when he has seen them his entire life? As these cracks were created by his own imagination and always formed whenever he dared to doubt his rightful place within the world. 

How he hated them.

He hated how these cracks made him feel worthless while they threatened shatter everything he has ever known. With an experienced ease, Sakuya forced himself to bury the thoughts of the lower class and how they are treated. After all, it was not his responsibility to question it or care.

"Do not waste energy on worrying for those who do not hold a pure bloodline"

Remembering that sentence from his father, Sakuya took a deep breath and stood in front of the grand doors that lead to the grand ballroom of the mansion.  

“Ladies and gentlebirds, it is with great honour that I present to you: Sakuya Le Bel Shirogane, the heir and the sixth generation of the Le Bel family” the announcer called out, and with that, the doors opened and Sakuya stepped forward as polite claps echoed throughout the large room. Moving slowly, never allowing his eyes to wander downwards, Sakuya walked down the stairs, the tail of his tuxedo following gracefully behind him. His footsteps were soft and proud as everybirdie within the room watched him with burning and judgemental eyes, all of them looking for any imperfections and daring him to make a fool of himself.

However, he would not give them the satisfaction. 

He shall not break nor allow himself to look like a fool.

He shall walk down the stairs and ignore the imaginary cracks that were forming underneath his feet due to his anxiety.

He was a Le Bel, he did not feel just ridiculous emotions.

He knew how to behave perfectly, shoulders back, back straight, walk with nothing but pride and elegance.

His thoughts were not important:

He will not let the whispers of his thoughts overwhelm him no matter how loud they were speaking, because he did not hear them:

“Why must they all be so eager to see my failure? What pleasure would it possibly cause them?”

“Why is it so important that I please these strangers?”

He did not question anything:

Why were his thoughts no longer whispering?

“Why must they judge me so? How can they possibly look upon me as if they know me while they do not?”

So why was he?

 *Crack*

 He must empty his mind of these ridiculous thoughts:

“But are they truly ridiculous?”

*Crack!*

In response of hearing those whispers full of disgust: Sakuya pushed himself off the banister, straightened his posture once more and continued his journey down the stairs. Easily ignoring how his breathing had suddenly got quicker as the eyes on him began to feel hotter and hotter. The pressure of it all caused the cracks from before to run up the stairs like if he was suddenly trying to walk on delicate glass.

Like to punish him for daring to think that, Sakuya’s foot suddenly slipped on a step edge and he went flying into the stair banister. Winded, Sakuya watched as the black cracks covered the banisters surface, each of them shining brilliantly to mock him.

“How dreadful”

“The stupid boy can’t even walk down stairs without failure”

“He cannot possibly hope to continue the great legacy of his father”

But he would not give in to it.

He still held his pride and grace, a simple slip has not suddenly removed that.

“Welcome everybirdie, to the traditional Le Bel Christmas Party. Please, make your way to the dining hall” Sakuya politely said once the climb down the stairs was finally over. Remembering not to raise his voice so it would become an unflattering shout. After all, somebirdie as important as him should not need to shout to be heard. Taking a breath to calm himself, Sakuya moved to lead his guests to the room he gestured to so he could politely show them all to their seats like a good host should, remembering to leave the seat at the head of the table for himself.

Where he could sit and finally breathe...

Sat here at a table brought no pressure. Nobirdie expected anything from him here; they were all too interested in their own conversations to care about him. That was until the food came and suddenly, the oldest and richest of the birds, took the time to repeatedly glance towards him.

Unlike commoner's meals, the noble community had a certain way to eat. One must not spill, one must not slurp or burp, one could not speak when their mouth is full of food, there were no elbows on the table, there was no acknowledging the waiters, not even when one of them was Ryouta Kawara. Sakuya hired him after the other boy explained that he was struggling to find work. But now, Sakuya was struggling with the pressure of pretending that he did not exist. That Ryouta, his friend, and a hard working young man who did everything in his power to look after his ill mother, did not deserve his acknowledgment.

Sakuya was under watchful eyes after all,

Eyes that were pathetic enough to care how he ate, how he sat in his chair, and who he talked to.

Eyes that would judge and radical him if he did the slightest of things wrong.

Deep down Sakuya simply couldn’t understand why they were like this.

Why was his method of eating and being sat at a table so important?

Surely that wasn’t his role as a Le Bel. Surely they should care more about the deeds and achievements he has done instead!

Why must they judge the little things that did not matter?

Why must it be responsibility to outshine them all in everything included eating?!

Sakuya continued to eat his foods in tiny amounts so he didn’t have to open his mouth wide like some disgusting frog, even while the cracks of his anxiety covered the table, even while his breathing could no longer hide the fact he was feeling just an emotion.

But he will not break,

This is where he belonged, this is who he was meant to be! If he let the pressure consume him then he would become an embarrassment and a disgraced son. Keeping his cool, Sakuya ate his meals, forcing himself to leave the correct size of the delicious food so the noble and respected birds would not think him greedy or fat. He then lead everybirdie to the main ballroom where they entered the truly incredible Christmas wonderland Miru and Kaku created that successfully impressed them all. But yet, Sakuya could not speak of the truth. He couldn’t tell the adults who he was going to be working within two years that he sort help from two children. That would only make them all speak to him like if he was a child himself, that he was not worthy of his title. After all, as a Le Bel he had to hire the most skilled and most expensive services Japan offered.

Anything else would be a disgrace and a disappointment.

That knowledge did not make lying any easier though, as the frustration of remembering to speak of the same lies over and over again, caused him to question why he needed them in the first place.

Miru and Kaku were very talented and skilled children capable of creative brilliance. Why couldn’t he praise them?

But, like always, Sakuya’s thoughts and opinions did not matter and so, he buried them all so he could go around the ballroom to greet and talk to his guest. The action soon becoming the worst thing he could have done as he had to remember everybirdies names, jobs, and responsibilities. He even had to remember not to let his anger at their forgetting details about him tempt him into an angry rant. This ballroom was not the council room in the school and these birds were not his underlings. He could not yell or lecture them.

No matter how he believed they were being hypocrites.

No matter if they were only interested in what he is and not who he is.

After two hours of hiding his expressions and being nothing but polite and slightly amused. Sakuya wanted to distress. At first, his eyes naturally wandered over to the forgotten piano in the corner of the room, however he was quick to fix it as he looked over to the dance floor.

A waltz will no doubt calm his nerves and so, he remembered to choose a girl who fitted the idea of the perfect woman a noble like himself, should desire...

A girl of a slim waist, small breasts, blonde hair, and blue eyes.

Never a man...

As a noble Sakuya could not let foolish desires like that destroy his bloodline or tarnish his family name.  

That is what his father told him...

So, Sakuya danced with the gorgeous female, ignoring how a pair of brilliant red eyes watched him but while he successfully did that, he could not do the same for the rest of the eyes.

He was surrounded by them, it was like if he was in an ocean that had the colour of a rainbow, each time he came up for air, the sea pulled him down and overwhelmed him. Forcing him to doubt and question every movement he did.  

Making him fear that he was moving in a way that either made him look like an unbalanced and confused flamingo, or too feminine.

Within seconds, the floor was littered with the cracks of his anxiety:

*Crack* *Crack* *Crack* *Crack*

Each step Sakuya took felt like he was stepping on delicate ice cracks

*Crack!*

A new crack breaking each second he danced, the feel of the girl in his arms feeling so wrong, the pressure of the eyes watching him too much to bare...

When suddenly, the cracks grew in size and strength and he couldn’t breathe.

It was all too much but he couldn’t allow himself to have a panic attack! He simply couldn’t! He should be able to handle this pressure! But, if he did not take a moment to collect himself and allowed himself to breathe then he shall collapse due to stress.

That type of embarrassment was not an option.

 With that in mind, Sakuya gracefully ended the dance with the unknown girl so he could go to a secluded corner. There he could tap his fingers against his hip with closed eyes. Like this, he could pretend that he was alone in the school's music room and playing the piano. It only took him a few seconds to become fully relaxed and capable of a normal breathing pattern once more. When he opened his eyes he looked towards the empty piano in the corner...

 ........

.....

...

.

 The piano was no longer alone as Sakuya stood beside it, his brilliant shy blue eyes looking upon its beauty with a gentle and soft smile. He could already hear its beautiful song. He could already imagine how his fingers would caress the soft keys of the piano that would make it sing oh, so beautifully...

Sakuya’s eyes widened when he realized the song that he heard was not in his imagination but reality. As his hands just moved on their own accord.

Immediately, Sakuya stumbled backwards as if burnt, the cracks of his anxiety now suddenly surrounding him like a powerful and unforgiving shadow, only leaving a path to the piano. To the only source of comfort within this room.

Why?

Why did he automatically come here?

Why must his instincts mock him so?

The fight to be perfect,

Sakuya took another step back, watching the imaginary cracks darken to pitch black. The sight of it making it rather difficult for him to breathe and stand as he was now suddenly overwhelmed with the pressure of everything:

The fight between responsibility and joy,

The temptation to break the rudeness and disrespect the high society forced upon him,

The fight between being himself or the son who caused pride and glory to his family's name...

Sakuya could no longer carry the crushing weight of the pressure or the expectations...He couldn’t press on when his anxiety and stress were threatening to make him crack.

He needed to escape it all...

He needed to breathe...

And so, he quickly left the ballroom to go to an empty balcony.

There, he was free to pace while feeling useless as the cracks grew and grew, his chest hurting because of his heavy and fast breathing. Everything was falling apart and he didn’t know what to do. He has never felt so much stress or pressure before.

Why weren’t the cracks leaving him alone?! Why were they worsening?!

His place was within the middle of the ballroom entertaining guests and not in the corner playing a piano like some commoner!

“Why are you denying everything your heart is obviously calling out for?”

It was not the question that made Sakuya freeze like a stone stature but rther the voice that held a familiar French accent that asked it. Within seconds, Sakuya turned to look at his half-brother of low-born blood, Yuuya Sakazaki, standing in front of the closed doors of the balcony, dressed in his own black tuxedo.

 “What are you doing here?” Sakuya asked in a low and dangerous voice, twisting his expression into an angry if not murderous frown.

How dare he be here! He wasn’t invited!

“I couldn’t help but notice that you were on the very edge of having a panic attack...Sakuya, isn’t it obvious that your anxiety is caused by your desire t-” “-Don’t start speaking just foolish notions! I order you to leave! This is no place for mongrels of low birth like you! I shall give you five seconds to leave before I call Albert and get him to drag you out and throw you in the Koi pond!” Sakuya screamed, his imagery cracks of anxiety now on the very edge of swallowing him whole.

“Allow me a few words before you force me to become an unwelcomed visitor to the Koi”

 *CRACK!!*

“How dare you demand that request while trespassing! Albert!”

“Sakuya, please! You’re drowning!”

“I am doing nothing of the sort!” Sakuya screamed in anger but then:

 Sakuya’s eyes widened as he watched cracks appeared underneath his and Sakazaki’s feet, all of them tearing in two like ugly strands of thin string:

Sakazaki had to go; he was making the damn cracks worst...

“Sakuya, deep inside you know that this is not the place for you-” “-how dare you!-” “-You know that you should be on a stage, playing piano and losing yourself in the world of music while others look at you in awe and not in judgment”

Sakuya couldn’t say anything to that as he wondered why Yuuya words were so similar to the hush whispers of the thoughts that have been haunting him all night

But he couldn’t listen:

“It is time to ask yourself one simple question Sakuya: do you want to live your life to be an identical copy of your father and surpass him in every way or do you want to live your life for yourself?”

Even if it was impossible not too...

“-Of denying yourself of what you truly desire? And for what? To be respected by others who will forget your name and face by tomorrow? To follow your father’s footsteps when it shall only lead to your unhappiness?-”

“Aren’t you tired of all of this? Of all the unneeded and pointless pressure? Of strangers judging your every move-”

Sakazaki, needed to shut up...His spoken words were now too close to the thoughts Sakuya must not listen too...

As Sakazaki spoke, Sakuya legs began to wobble as the only thing he could focus on was his voice and the fact that the cracks that surrounding him were now pooling across the floor like spilt water, leaving no see able surface but their darkness.

“Why carry your father’s legacy instead of building your own?”

“-Haven’t you once asked yourself if there is another road you can follow?”

Of course he has...

Because that is what Sakuya’s father told him to do...

That is what he was born to do...

If he wasn’t everything his father wanted him to be, then what could Sakuya possibly be?

He had no other road to follow, no other direction but the one that was created for him.

Sakazaki words and his own desires were filled with nothing but idiotic and pointless dreams.

“You have the choice to make the world know your story and cheer your amazing talent and obvious love for music. You can leave this place, you can start your own story and achieve everything you want”

 Sakuya could no longer handle it and the cracks of his anxiety pooled over the entirety of his surroundings until he could see nothing but darkness.

His legs buckled, his body following suit as his world spun but, before he could hit the floor in an unflattering manner, arms wrapped underneath his arms, held him up and dragged him onto the bench on the balcony. The next thing Sakuya knew, he was looking into eyes that were awfully familiar to his own.

“Breathe...Please” Sakazaki pleaded in a low whisper that sounded awfully guilty, but he had every right to be.

This was entirely his fault after all...

“I didn’t mean to land all of you like that but you know what I said is true. Your future is a road only you can create”

“But...But if I leave all this behind then...Who would I be?”

“You” Sakazaki answered slipping a leaflet into Sakuya’s hand with a soft smile

“But allow me to give you a little push in the direction you are too frightened to take”

If he did then he would have to leave everything he has ever known behind.

With shaking breath, Sakuya slowly lifted up the leaflet to read it:

[There shall be a schools talent show on 6th of March, anybirdie who thinks they have a talent please sign up! Any talent that does not cause any physical harm shall be allowed. To sign up go to the staff lounge and speak to Professor Nanaki]

“Stop hiding within your fathers shadow Sakuya and finally make things about you, about what you want, and show the world what is truly wonderful about you” Sakazaki spoke while Sakuya sat there in silence wondering if he should take this leap or not.

Was he ready for just a big step?

What if something went wrong?

“A wolf can hide within a herd of sheep by hiding within their white wool coat without their pack knowing, little brother”

 Not knowing what that sentence could possibly mean, Sakuya looked up to ask but the words got stuck in his throat when he saw that Albert was dragging Sakazaki away. He decided to let Albert do his job and lead Yuuya out of the mansion, if he didn’t then he would have to explain why and that would only cause him to collapse due to stress again. After a few calming breathes, Sakuya slowly stood up and walked to the balcony’s railing, by now, Sakazaki had already been thrown in the Koi pond and was currently shaking the large fish off his fingers.

The sight of it made Sakuya laugh for the first time that night and it...

It felt wonderful,

It felt like him...

In that moment, the imaginary black cracks caused by Sakuya’s anxiety slowly melted into manageable thin cracks as that emotion was slowly replaced by hope.

A hope that somewhere deep within him, Sakuya had the courage to walk down his own road....

 Later that night, Sakuya was laid in his queen sized bed underneath his silk blankets and on top of his mattress that was as soft as a cloud staring at his beautifully designed ceiling.

He couldn’t sleep as Yuuya’s sentence kept repeating in the young nobles mind:

“A wolf can hide within a herd of sheep by hiding within their white wool coat without their pack knowing, little brother”

He just couldn’t figure it out.

What did his half brother mean by that?

Sakuya knew it was some type of hint. Something that would help him decide if he truly wanted to go down his own road or not but...

“A wolf can hide within a herd of sheep by hiding within their white wool coat without their pack knowing little brother”

What was Sakuya missing?

He had to ask somebirdie who he trusted, somebirdie who wouldn’t judge him for his lack of knowledge...

“Huh, well that’s a terrible metaphor” Ryouta Kawara said to Sakuya the next day as they walked to school together like they always did after Professor Nanaki asked Ryouta to walk him to school after that one time he got lost in the snow and almost froze to death.

“It’s a metaphor?”

“Yeah, um, how do I explain this? Um...” Ryouta paused there to pull his thinking expression that has always been sort of cute “Okay, so, say you’re the wolf”

“Okay?”

“And me, Hiyoko and Oko are your pack because we know you and are your friends”

“Okay?”

“The metaphor is saying that you can do something without us knowing by hiding within a crowd, hence the herd of sheep and hiding in their coat thing. Or basically, you can do something without the people who know you, knowing by hiding in plain sight by the means of a small disguise” Ryouta explained

 But now, what Sakazaki said and did now made total sense. He gave Sakuya that leaflet about the schools talent show so Sakuya could compete in disguise and see if playing the piano in front of an audience was truly the life he wanted without anyone knowing!

“Truly?”

“Yeah, though like I said, the metaphor isn’t the best at explaining that. Who said it to you?”

“Oh, Anghel was babbling his usual nonsense to me and that metaphor was the only thing that sounded like ordinary Japanese” Sakuya easily lied.

“Thank you...Yuuya”

Word Count: 4,118

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This Fanfiction is also on:

Archive of our own: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36159193

Fanfiction: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016100/1/Cracks-of-anxiety-A-short-Hatoful-Boyfriend-fic

Deviantart: https://www.deviantart.com/frowerssx/art/Cracks-of-anxiety-902606689?ga_submit_new=10%3A1644706691&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1