#a collection of quotes i found that make me think of fiona

[acethetically-bway]

Fiona Gallagher as poetic Twitter quotes, a thread

[mmtions]

star signs as buddie fic recs

based on vibes alone. three fics per sign.

under the read more - lemme know if you strongly disagree or not with the choices. do not quote your co-star app at me but please do send more recs to your local starving buddie reader (me).

Edit: please keep tagging your own signs I am loving it

EDIT 2: now has an updated masterlist/continuation

ARIES

Your Kiss Might Kill me (So Won’t You Kill Me) - @morganofthefairies Buck hadn’t been a virgin by the time he’d hit Peru – not even close. He still considered Peru a critical point in his sexual history, though, because Peru had brought him Fiona, and he was pretty sure he could credit her with like 80% of his sexual knowledge.

None of that was the point, though. The point was that, six years later, when Eddie called for the jaws to get to a woman pinned in her car while responding to an 8-car pileup, and absentmindedly called him a good boy as Buck handed them over, he had a totally normal reaction to it.

across our great divide (a glorious sunrise) - @catching_paper_moons “We’re working on it,” Maddie explains, shooting Chimney a look. He nods seriously. “In couples therapy.”

“Huh,” Eddie says, and then he thinks about it. "Do you think Buck and I would benefit from couples therapy?"

or, Eddie gets Buck to come to couples therapy with him.

Waiting on a distant feeling - @justhockey Eddie is kind of impulsive. He knows this isn’t exactly news, that he has a string of terrible decisions behind him that prove he doesn’t think ahead before he does something stupid. But he thinks that, arguably, this is at least in his top 3 worst decisions.

Or, five times Eddie thought he was homophobic, and the one time he realised he was just jealous.

TAURUS

to keep still holy (your kiss upon my mouth) - @oatflatwhite “I’m just thinking about you,” he says, simply, because there aren’t the words to say the rest of it, to say the whole of it, to take everything that’s in Buck’s head right now and lay it out in front of him because to do so would take three lifetimes, at least, and Buck already has plans for this one.

Eddie crooks an imperfect eyebrow, and Buck loves him. He says, “yeah, but you’re also thinking about breakfast.”

it’s nice to have a friend - @buckbuckbuck Just two dudes holding each other under the kitchen table. Laughing about an orgy with a crab involved and being in big, fat, gargantuan love.

Between aisles nine and ten… - @reallysmartladymariecurie 'That’s how Buck found himself shaking and sobbing in the dimmest lit corner of the familiar grocery store, trying to calm his emotions and collect himself before he had to face Chris once again and inform him that his dad still had not woken up.'

The progression of Buck and Eddie's relationship told through moments at a grocery store.

GEMINI

Crossed Wires, Words, and… Wets - @znks He heard Eddie do his little jog up the station stairs. Smiling, Buck tilted his head up to greet him at just the right time. Eddie was already grinning as he leaned down to kiss Buck hello before heading off to the kitchen, clapping Chimney on the shoulder as he went with a cheerful ‘good morning!’.

Buck was just about to ask Hen something when he noticed the look on her face.

It clicked.

Eddie had just kissed him. Like, on the mouth.

(yesterday my life was duller) now everything is technicolour - @nogamediaz The alarm goes off just as Buck is about to contemplate doing something that is in no way appropriate for the workplace, and he sighs and drops his forehead onto Eddie's shoulder.

"Eddie," he says. "I love you, but did you really have to make your move five minutes before we started a twenty-four-hour shift?"

"Sorry," Eddie says. "Next time, I'll make sure to plan my spontaneous, blurted-out love confession a little better."

"That's all I'm asking," Buck says, and Eddie laughs.

and then they were groommates - @elisela “Evan Buckley if you are not here in the next two hours I will draw every drop of blood out of your body with a 25 gauge needle,” Maddie hisses in his ear, and Buck—already jogging through the halls of LAX—picks up his pace.

CANCER

Bases Loaded - @lamardeuse Eddie asks to go slow.

All A-Later - @middyblue There’s something up with Eddie.

Okay, Buck may have been a little distracted for a few days by the total dissolution of his relationship, but when it was finally over he definitely noticed that Eddie was weird and spacey for, like, a day, and then he got weird and jumpy, and now he’s…

“Too happy,” Buck says out loud, narrowing his eyes.

beneath my mother tongue - @queerpanikkar He sits bolt upright in his seat. Jee-Yun squeals at the sudden movement. “Holy shit,” he says out loud, simultaneously praying that it doesn’t become one of those words his niece repeats until it loses its sparkle. “I told Eddie I loved him.”

Jee-Yun laughs. It feels a little like she’s mocking him. “Dee,” she agrees solemnly, placing a tiny hand on Buck’s cheek.

Or: Buck goes home to Pennsylvania. It's more familiar than he wants it to be.

LEO

to be found - @zainclaw After being mistreated by his alpha for the last time, Buck abandons his pack and heads for the city where he’s found by Eddie - another werewolf who’s nothing like the ones Buck is used to. Eddie is gentle, kind, and has made a pack for himself and his son that Buck desperately wishes he could be a part of.

every little thing he does is magic - @thatbuddie It all starts with the coffee maker.

To be more precise, it starts with Buck realizing he’s maddeningly in love with Eddie, but that is not the problem in and of itself. The problem is that Buck realizes that he’s maddeningly in love with Eddie and then, as if the revelation wasn't enough of a thing to turn Buck’s world on its head, his magic starts sputtering and cluttering and stuttering all over the place.

So it all starts with the coffee maker.

Even the Darkest Night (Can’t Outshine the Stars) - @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels Eddie and Christopher Diaz have had a tough year. So when Chris sees a star fall, Eddie promises to fetch it for his ninth birthday. Just one problem:

The star is a person, his name is Buck, and everyone in the damn kingdom is after him.

VIRGO

Strong and Able - @middyblue Or, things Buck has made: a bench; a cutting board; a skateboard; a safe home; a dinner; a family.

Play Ball - @silentxsoul “I have excellent impulse control,” Buck scoffed, ignoring Eddies noise of protest.

Buck in fact did not have good impulse control, and Eddie could fire off a dozen reasons at a moments notice, starting with the painted rock collection he bought of Instagram last week because Chris had said they looked ‘kinda cool I guess’ in passing.

Or: Buck has poor impulse control, there's kissing, and Chris being an absolute angel of a child. And a generous amount of baseball sprinkled in there.

all good things come to an end (but it’s not the end) - @wafflesofdoom “Okay, hear me out,” Buck said. "What if we have sex?”

Eddie could be forgiven for choking on his own breath, given how out of the blue Buck's suggestion was. “What?”

“You’re my best friend," Buck gestured vaguely. "And in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re living through an actual plague right now, so neither of us is actually getting any. So who better to have sex with than each other?"

- or, craving intimacy during quarantine, buck and eddie strike up a friends with benefits situation. because it couldn't possibly go wrong.

LIBRA

i’d spend a lifetime giving you my heart - @henswilsons “Well,” Buck says. “I’ve had worst first dates.”

The man looks unimpressed. “We fell fifty feet, got trapped beneath a building, your legs are pinned, and you’re telling me you’ve had worse?”

Buck thinks about this. “Well, Veronica liked the Red Sox.”

or, there’s an earthquake. Buck and Eddie meet trapped together.

darling, the future’s better than yesterday - @rarakiplin Eddie, ten years younger, in this awful 2010, blinks up at him. He's still sitting slumped on the curb, and for a second Buck thinks he might tell him to fuck off, but then his eyes fall shut and there’s something — aching and painfully vulnerable in the bend of his mouth, the faint tension in his brow. “My…um, girlfriend, I guess. She’s pregnant.”

“Holy shit,” Buck says.

or, buck deals with some wonky dimensional/time travel and then breaks up with his girlfriend. eddie, obviously, is involved.

Despite it all, Because of it all - @kitkatpancakestack He puts the truck in park in front of Eddie’s childhood home. Christopher shifts in the back, already unbuckling his seatbelt. Eddie is frozen with his jaw set, eyes hard and unblinking as they bore holes through the windshield. Buck was here once before, after that relief trip to Texas, but he is under no illusions that this time will be similar. For one, he doesn’t have the buffer of other firefighters to hide behind. This isn’t a visit that will last a couple hours, and so the sugary, superficial niceties will eventually crumble when it’s mid-way through the week and he’s still hanging around. There is also the shadow of everything that has happened since the wildfires skulking behind them, waiting to be found out.

But, this is Eddie and Christopher, needing him to have it together, so he paints on a smile and squeezes Eddie's knee and slides out of the truck.

Eddie's dad gets sick. Buck goes with him and Christopher to El Paso.

SCORPIO

had to come along, didn’t you? - @twocutlines “It’s really casual, but he’s sweet, Evan,” she says, fiddling with her fork. “I like talking to him, and I think that you’d actually really like talking to him, too.”

Or: in an AU where Eddie Diaz really does join Station 6 instead of the 118, Maddie Buckley manages to meet--and fall for--him first. (Evan Buckley somehow still falls harder.)

right here waiting - @this-is-bwr Buck's new girlfriend is kind of perfect.

As much as Eddie knows he should like her, he just… can’t.

Of course, he wants his best friend to be happy, but this… her… it’s too much.

He’d thought maybe they could finally get their shit together. Maybe they could get together. He’d been waiting for a chance. He’d been willing to try. He even made a plan.

Then she showed up.

this life that we’ve created (or: how silvia rodriguez learned to believe in fairytales again) - @evcndiaz "So, just to be clear: You want to make a—” she glances down at her papers, “—Mr. Evan Buckley your son Christopher Diaz's guardian in the event of your untimely death."

"Yes, that is correct."

"And you... don't want to tell him about it?"

"Eh," he says. Eh, like he's not breaking Silvia's brain. "I'm sure I'll tell him eventually."

or; eddie makes buck christopher's legal guardian told from his lawyer's perspective. because why not

SAGITTARIUS

I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be (Right in front of me) - @finduilasclln It’s such a long time coming and still it takes Buck by surprise. It takes him by surprise even though he is the one that leans in and finally kisses Eddie. His second surprise is that Eddie doesn’t push him away, doesn’t even look at him with confusion. Or worse, rage. No, Eddie kisses him back like Buck is a tall drink of water and Eddie is severely dehydrated. Buck knows the feeling.

Wrapped in Red - @somebodycall911onfox Taylor tells Buck that she loves him. Buck says it back. It takes him a while to realize that he didn't mean it.

I Kinda Fell Half In Love (And You’re To Blame) - @cocobadship Buck refuses to pout about it, though. He’s not a child, and he’s not so selfish and immature. Buck’s a grown man who has a grasp on how relationships work. He’s perfectly fine with seeing Eddie less if it means things are going well between Eddie and Ana.

Buck can deal with it.

CAPRICORN

and longer by far - @buckactuallys “Eddie’s been married once, and after Shannon asked him for a divorce and then died before they could do anything about it, he figured that was it for him. One marriage with all its ups and downs is enough for a lifetime. Granted, he didn’t think he’d fall in love with Buck and be lucky enough for that love to be returned.”

or; everyone seems to expect Eddie to propose to Buck any minute now, which is annoying because Eddie doesn’t want to get married again. He's sure of that. Or is he?

tell me about despair - @hattalove eddie's not entirely sure he believes in getting help, at least not for himself. there's only so much healing to be had for a body torn apart by bullets, for a mind that's only half there, for a man who's been leaving pieces of himself behind all his life with nothing to take their place.

except, as it turns out, falling apart happens in increments, and healing does, too: it happens when you gnaw a hole in your lip trying to keep quiet only to have the words escape; when you realize that the ghost you've been seeing out of the corner of your eye is yourself; when your best friend smiles, and you allow it to take your breath away.

it happens through the smallest of things: bird feeders, and cacti, and pasta shapes.

meanwhile, the world goes on.

(or: the entity often affectionately referred to as the unrepression fic.)

Fundamental Pieces - @probieeddie Eddie’s knees hit the ground with a dull thud that he doesn’t feel.

He doesn’t feel anything, actually. He can’t. Because if he feels something, he’s going to feel everything, and if he feels everything, he’s going to come apart at the seams.

He can’t look away from the smoldering pile of rubble in front of him. Dimly, he’s aware that there are other people around, people who could be hurt, people who might need his help. He’s frozen, though. Stuck on his knees, might as well be fossilized in amber.

Buck.

Buck is—

AQUARIUS

Leading with the Left - @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels When Buck said he was a "bartender" in "South America" what he actually meant was "stripper" in "Mexico."

And when Eddie said, "What's your problem?" what he actually meant was, "Is this about the time you gave me a lap dance?"

In other words, there's a few things the 118 doesn't know about Buck. Or Eddie. Or Buck and Eddie's relationship.

My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand - @justhockey Suddenly there are arms wrapping around him, pinning his own to his sides so he can’t do any more damage. And it’s Eddie’s voice whispering in his ear, and Buck just - breaks.

His legs give way and he falls to the floor but Eddie doesn’t let go, he just falls right along with him.

follow your dreams (they know the way) - @renecdote Buck talks about it in therapy, sometimes, the way they go to sleep on opposite sides of the bed and wake up curled close together, like gravity itself has pulled them there. He talks about those times when he opens his eyes to sunlight and realises that they both slept through the night, that his dreams were almost pleasant, that Eddie’s must have been too because he smiles sleepily across the pillows, not looking so haunted in the morning light.

Sometimes Buck wonders if Eddie talks about it too. He wonders if he feels it.

And then he’ll wake up on another one of those mornings and Eddie will grumble and press closer, muttering five more minutes, and Buck doesn’t really have to wonder at all.

In which both Buck and Eddie aren't okay, but maybe they can be a little more okay together.

PISCES

the differential equation of edmundo diaz - @thisissirius Eddie’s eyes—and it takes Buck a second to realize what he’s seeing—dilate.

Once could have been an accident, though, so Buck’s gotta be smart about this.

As his old physics professor used to say; verify, verify, verify.

the security of certainty - @zeethebooknerd Being woken up at the crack of dawn isn't high on Buck's list of things to do on his days off.

I bloom just for you - @eddiesdiaz “What do you miss the most about Texas?”

The question takes Eddie by surprise; he and Buck have been staring at his TV screen in silence for the better part of an hour now. They just got off a 24-hour shift, and they’re both dead to the world, but Eddie had mentioned that Chris was sleeping over at a friend’s and he was dreading going home to an empty house, and Buck had followed him home, simple as that.

“Is it the food? I bet the barbecue’s amazing,” Buck muses, pulling a laugh out of Eddie.

“The barbecue is incredible,” Eddie confirms with a nod. “Honestly, though?”

Buck raises an eyebrow, humming to encourage Eddie to go on.

“The bluebonnets.”

[sinceileftyoublog]

Bettye Lavette Interview: The Quiet I Can Be

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Bettye Lavette has had, as she calls it, two careers. The Detroit-raised soul singer-songwriter cut her first record at just sixteen, achieving early success with charting singles and touring with Atlantic Records-signed artists like Otis Redding and members of The Drifters. In the music world, initially, she was never front and center for long periods of time, even giving up recording in the mid-70′s for a six-year run on Broadway to star in Bubbling Brown Sugar. For all intents and purposes, her second career--the one that brought her both critical and commercial success as a solo artist--started in 2005 with the Joe Henry-produced I’ve Got My Own Hell to Raise, a collection of songs written by female artists like Lucinda Williams, Roseanne Cash, and Fiona Apple. (The title is taken from Apple’s “Sleep To Dream”, which appeared on the record.) Hell started a still-going series of albums of songs written by others, each based around a cohesive theme, like 2010′s Interpretations, covers of British rock artists like The Beatles, Elton John, and The Who. But it’s been her fruitful collaboration with drummer and producer Steve Jordan and legendary jazz label Verve Records that’s produced perhaps her two best albums yet: 2018′s Things Have Changed and the upcoming Blackbirds (August 28th, Verve).

Things Have Changed was a collection of Bob Dylan songs, many lesser-known, that Lavette made her own, to say the least. It helped somewhat that Lavette didn’t have much of a longstanding relationship with the tracks. “[Interpretations tracks] and Bob Dylan songs were not played on black radio a lot,” Lavette told me over the phone from her home in New Jersey in April. “They’re just songs. If you can sing, you should be able to sing them, whether they’re gospel songs, or blues songs, or British songs, they started out words on a piece of paper,” she said. The songs on Blackbirds, however, span different eras and genres, and they’re predominantly written by women of color, many of whom were and are Lavette’s peers. And her relationship to these tracks is more complex. Unlike many soul singers from her era, Lavette didn’t start out singing in the church but in her parents’ home, opting to perform R&B and country and western songs instead. When it was suggested to her in the 60′s by her manager Jim Lewis that she learn standards, Lavette was at first reluctant, wanting instead to learn tunes that were popular at the time, and then admittedly intimidated by the prospect of singing songs by such powerful voices. “While Dinah [Washington] would wait for you in the alley and kill you, her voice was just magnificent. And Ella Fitzgerald’s voice was like an instrument,” Lavette said. Years later, Lavette has found a way to make old songs sound personal.

Lavette credits Jordan with a lot of why Things Have Changed and Blackbirds sound so good. For one, he’s one of the only black producers she’s ever worked with, and she describes her experience singing old songs with him behind the boards and the drum kit as discovering what it would be like had she had someone like him when she first started her career. “One thing Steve knows about me that maybe others don’t...most musicians don’t know the quiet that I can be,” Lavette said. Indeed, their working relationship allows Lavette’s voice to shine. Lavette picks and sings the songs and sends her vocals to Jordan, who will arrange with her and their keyboard player, around her voice. At that point, Lavette, having established such a sense of trust with Jordan, doesn’t hear the arrangements until it’s time to record. The results on Blackbirds are astounding. She’s gentle, yet forceful on Nancy Wilson’s “Save Your Love for Me” and upfront on “Book of Lies”. The songs you might expect to sound stern or sad, like Nina Simone’s music industry olive branch “I Hold No Grudge” and “Blues for the Weepers”, are funky and upbeat, while ones you might expect to be somber, like “Strange Fruit”, are slinky and anthemic.

As much as the songs on Blackbirds, often by their very inclusion, are reflective of Lavette’s incredible career and her place, she prefers to look forward and often gets frustrated by fans and journalists stuck in the past or the mundane. Fans, especially overseas, want her to play old material without understanding the importance of it. “The thing that annoys me about fans--and that’s in air quotes--is just the love without the knowledge, or not wanting to know about it or where it came from,” Lavette said. Or interviewers who ask questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” For the author and now Blues Hall of Fame inductee, it’s a shame, because she wants to talk. When I told her how much I loved Things Have Changed, Lavette said, “Well why didn’t you call me? I have never been more accessible in my life!” Indeed, Lavette was careful to toe the line between re-imagining old songs and being faithful to their spirit. “I certainly did not want to be disrespectful in any way to these tunes,” she said. “I didn’t want to do the disco version, unless it was adaptable.” 

“Adapt” is the key word here, and not just in describing how Lavette fit the songs to her voice and how Jordan and company subsequently arranged and played. Lavette, with every word and tone, applies her experience as a black woman, a singer-songwriter and performer for over half a century, to tunes that themselves offer a narrative history of important American music. It’s worth noting that when we finished talking, she signed off, “And by the way...my favorite color is black.”

Read my interview with Lavette below.

Since I Left You: Blackbirds is different from Things Have Changed, since you’re singing songs that were written and performed by a wide variety of different artists and songwriters. Do you change your approach when you’re tackling songs from different people and eras than from the same person?

Bettye Lavette: No, I treat them all as songs. I don’t care where they came from. I think the most unusual thing I’ve ever done in my life was when I did Bubbling Brown Sugar. That was totally out of my wheelhouse. I hadn’t done a play or anything, so I had to approach the whole thing theatrically. But I still approached the songs the same way vocally. My attitude at this stage, the theater, if the song is, “ahhh,” they want, “AHHH!” [laughs] The endings are a little unnatural. But the scenes may have to be ended that way. 

But doing these songs in Blackbirds, these were songs I heard as a very young girl, most of them, and did not think I would ever sing them. For one thing, when I was younger I didn’t like them. But then as I learned to respect who these people were, I thought, “I will never be able to sing like that.” That was before I learned, “Just sing it how you sing it! Maybe it is like that.”

SILY: What music did you like when you were younger? What did you grow up listening to?

BL: I liked The Drifters. I’m so glad that I’ve gotten the chance to work with many of the people I grew up listening to. The first time I went on the road was with Clyde McPhatter and Ben King who were both lead singers for The Drifters. And you talk about a groupie! They couldn’t come out of their dressing rooms without seeing me! [laughs] But I always liked to dance. The difference between blues and rhythm and blues was that you couldn’t dance to blues, you could just cry. With rhythm and blues, you could cry and dance at the same time. My voice fell into that kind of music.

SILY: And you elude to that when you perform “Blues For The Weepers” on this album. In the liner notes, you talk about how you could perform that song in a number of different places--a bar, a lounge, a big stadium--and everybody can feel it.

BL: Well, I’m not sure everybody understands it as well as you seem to. People seem to want you to do either what you did before or exactly what they expect you to do. I have a great many fans in England, and they like these songs I did from the beginning till about 1975. They’ve just really collected that period of black music. They hated my album of Interpretations. It’s in my contract that I have to do [the older] songs. I joke that if they didn’t love me before, I would not do this show for anybody else. This is what I’m trying to grow to be, not what I’m trying to relive. To do a whole show? It sounds like a grown person singing silly songs. [laughs]

SILY: At the same time, when you sing a song like “I Hold No Grudge”, at this point you’ve come to accept and even embrace certain things about being a singer and musician and about the music industry.

BL: I want you to be my spokesperson! That’s exactly how I feel. The songs I sing now have so little to do with love affairs. They have more to do with what you just said: Where I’ve come to be at this point in my life and my career.

SILY: In general, on Blackbirds, it’s striking to me how different the arrangements and instrumentation are between original versions and your versions. How do you go about, from an instrumental and arrangement perspective, whether to remain faithful or stray from the original?

BL: I don’t have anything to do with that. Here’s what I do. At this point, I call Steve Jordan, the Bettye whisperer, because he understands what I’m saying. This is the first time I’ve had a black producer since early on in my career of any kind of note. I did one album with one black producer, but he was a black producer who had been producing Norah Jones. It was completely different. But Steve Jordan played with James Brown and loves Motown. What he does is take how I feel about the song and arrange the music accordingly. I usually get just the keyboard player...when I choose the tunes, I sing them the way I want to sing them, and [Jordan will] write it in the way that I’m singing them, as opposed to making an arrangement and I adapt to the arrangement. I sing the song, and he fashions the arrangement around what he’s heard me sing. He comes over to the house, and we sit on the floor of the living room, and he listens to the recordings that I’ve made with my keyboard player. He brings, usually, the keyboard player, who I hope for the rest of my life who will [play with me]. You know, there aren’t a lot of black musicians, and black musicians my age, that I can get to. Most of my contemporaries are millionaires, and I don’t have their telephone numbers. [laughs]

SILY: To what extent are you involved in the mixing and production decisions? Like on “Book Of Lies”, the arrangement has you start out a capella, but throughout that song, your vocals are really upfront in the mix.

BL: I appreciate that. That is absolutely a compliment from any sound engineer and producer, that he makes it all about me. Especially someone as arrogant as Steve. [laughs] He pays very close attention to the words that I’m saying because I pay very close attention to fashioning them to make you hear them. The Billie Holiday song [“Strange Fruit”], most of the younger singers I’ve heard approach this tune, they have great regards for what it’s about, and great regards for Billie Holiday, and being almost 75, I have great regards for me. I wanted all the lyrics to be distinct. I wanted you to understand what it is that happened. It’s not a song; it’s a protest. It’s a jazzier protest. I’m a rhythm & blues singer. And because Steve was born and raised in Harlem, he hears James Brown singing these songs. And that’s what you need to hear if you’re producing. In a recording, it has to be fashioned around me. 

I’ve had some brilliant producers and loved so much of what they’ve done that I’ve felt completely comfortable with fashioning myself around them. But this one and [Things Have Changed] are quite different. The last one was the first time Steve and I had ever worked together. He understood exactly what I was saying so quickly. He read back to me an arrangement exactly as how I sang it. I didn’t want to lend myself to the lavish arrangements they had on originally. I told Steve on the Bob Dylan album, “I don’t want to recognize any of these songs.” He pretty much knows that’s the way I work now. I say, “You know we have to leave this lavishness out. I’m not lavish, I’m pretty basic!” I thought he did such a wonderful job when I went to the studio and heard what they were going to play. Because after he and I work on it, I don’t hear it any more until we get to the studio. There’s not a whole bunch of rehearsing. I do the whole album in 4-5 days.

SILY: It’s interesting that you said you don’t want the songs to be recognizable. That’s the approach Bob Dylan takes when he plays his own songs live!

BL: [laughs] He didn’t recognize any of the songs until they got to the chorus. I took that as a total compliment!

SILY: [Dylan] said that to you?

BL: No, he said it to my manager.

SILY: As much as these are songs on a single playing field, it’s interesting and meaningful that something like “Strange Fruit” and “Blackbird” are two songs that so many people know, whereas something like “One More Song”, which is pretty recent, is a standout among more-known standards. Why did you feel it was important to include that one on the record?

BL: The answer is so simple and ridiculous: Because we just liked it! [laughs] Sharon Robinson, she wrote [Patti LaBelle’s] “New Attitude” and a song for me called “The High Road”. She was Leonard Cohen’s writing partner. When Leonard died, they did a tribute to him in Toronto, and I went and did one of his songs. His family actually requested that I come and sing. That was the first time I ever met Sharon. I had heard “One More Song”, and I told her, “I’m going to do this tune.” Same thing with “I Hold No Grudge”, when I met Angelo Badalamenti. I thought, “I’m going to do this song,” 10 years before I met him.

We submitted [the list of] songs to the company, and they thought [about “One More Song”], “Oh, this is new,” but I said, “We’re gonna do it because we like it!” I think it’s one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. You could just be playing the music and it would make me cry. I love this song. She is such a fantastic writer. Listen to the lyrics: Have you heard “The High Road”? She wrote the song for [I’ve Got My Own Hell to Raise], and I just thought the lyrics were so great. I thought, “Well, she’s black, and she’s a woman. She’s a blackbird, so...” [laughs] She was so flattered when I called her and said I did it. When I sent it to her, she was just so thrilled with it. And Angelo Badamenti, who is now probably 90, when we sent “I Hold No Grudge” to him, he said, “I can see a big grin coming on Nina’s face.”

SILY: Another thing that seemed to be really meaningful is including “Romance In The Dark”, because it’s known for being performed by Dinah Washington [“Drinking Again”] and Nina Simone, who you also cover on this record. It’s almost like the whole record is coming full circle.

BL: I really did. The manager that made this singer you see before you today is named Jim Lewis, and my book [A Woman Like Me] is dedicated to him. When he first met me, he said, “You’re cute, you got a small waist line, but you got nothing to sing. You may not become a star. If you don’t become a star, and you still want to become a singer, you’ve got to learn to sing!” So he brought me all these songs by Dinah Washington. I have worked for 57 years because I learned to tap dance and sing [songs like] “Sweet Georgia Brown”. Those are songs that none of my contemporaries knew because they weren’t fashionable. Jim made me learn these songs that nobody else knew that I didn’t want to learn because I wanted to be a star. I’ve worked everywhere I imagined working. He told me I could do that. But even when I said, “I’m gonna be a star,” he said, “Calm down, honey, you may not be.” He talked to Norman Granz and the Verve label because they helped so many black musicians. Many black musicians played with the Jimmy Lunceford band. [Lewis] was the 6th trombonist. If he weren’t already dead, this would kill him. Verve, and these songs, and a black producer? This would kill him.

SILY: Looking back at it all, it’s got to be pretty unbelievable.

BL: It is unbelievable. I thought I was going to die broke and obscure, but now I’m just gonna die broke. But everybody knows me! [laughs] 

[malloryslourd]

Day 197 | Part 1/3

Pairing: Zoe Benson x Reader

Warnings: Some Strong Language

Words: 3,053

—————

No one had seen any sign of Y/N L/N in exactly 197 days. She had went missing without a trace somewheres in California. No note, no signs of her preparing to leave for a long time, nothing.

It was painful for anyone who knew the girl. As far as they knew she was hopelessly in love with Zoe Benson, she had been exploring her powers, and she was happy living with all of her coven sisters in New Orleans. She was the perfect ray of sunshine and it only took one day for that perfect light to be erased from the lives of the ones who were close with the young, happy witch.

It never seemed real to anyone. There was no way she just disappeared and didn't say anything to anyone, not even her girlfriend. Of course Zoe's mind thought of the worse, she went to LA and there someone had killed her for being a witch just like horrible people threatened they would do to all witches and warlocks. It was the only explanation that made sense in her mind. There was absolutely no trace of Y/N anywhere. The only other thing would be that Y/N got abducted by aliens, which would never happen.

Things immediately seemed darker at the academy when she first disappeared. Small things that hit like trucks. An empty seat at the dinner table. No more 'Rise and shine ladies' when Y/N walked into the living room on the weekends. A loss of crazy stories about the places Y/N visited during her summers away from the academy when she was younger. Y/N would never sit at the piano playing Misty's favorite Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks song again. There wouldn't be another game night where Y/N would get too into it and Zoe would have to calm her down and prevent her from catching someone's chair on fire. Y/N would never cuddle behind Zoe in bed at night and talk about everything she wanted in the future. No more silly, stupid things the girls found annoying at the time to brighten their day, or even week. That beacon of hope and happiness had died out the instant they thought something bad happened to Y/N.

The biggest impact was on Zoe and Cordelia of course. Y/N had attended Robichaux's the longest which meant she spent the most time with Cordelia. After Cordelia learned that she had no true family and that she had nowhere's to go except Robichaux's, Y/N became a little sister to Cordelia. They counted on one another for support. Similar but different stories that put them in almost the same exact place.

Then of course Zoe and Y/N fell in love practically the first day they met. Y/N was sent with Myrtle to retrieve Zoe and bring her back the academy, hoping it wouldn't make Zoe freak out too much if someone the same age as her was there. When she arrived at Zoe's home they immediately hit it off. Y/N talked for the entirety of the trip with Zoe, telling her how much she would love Robichaux's and how different her life would be with the new friends and family she would meet by the end of the day. Zoe couldn't do anything but listen to the girl dressed in all black, her gaze never leaving her face.

Y/N had helped Zoe discover her first wonder. Y/N had showed Zoe what her powers could really do, wether this be with a bouquet of flowers she could sprout from some dead leaves or by changing the color of the tulips in the greenhouse to compliment the makeup Zoe was wearing that day so she could stick one in her hair. Y/N had fallen and Zoe might've fallen a little harder if possible. Their first date, first kiss, first 'I love you', every first they ever had together stung Zoe when she thought about it.

Some days she would sit in the greenhouse and just stare at where Y/N once stood, trying to find just the right shade of purple flowers to make paint for the arts and crafts project she roped her girlfriend into hours before. Or where Y/N would sit on top of the table, complaining about her day and how much she just wanted to be hugged and kissed, the roses next to her desk wilting if her days were just a little too tough and she would cry. Her mind might drift back to the one time Y/N finally got that one potion right and she immediately kissed her girlfriend claiming 'It's just a reward for how amazing I am' and turning back to her notebook, pushing her reading glasses up and smiling at the mysterious liquid.

On other days that held a lot more meaning to their relationship, like big anniversaries or Y/N's birthday, Zoe would lay in the bed that they once shared and cry her eyes out, let all of her emotions that were inside of her out onto her pillow. She would sit with one of Y/N's old hoodies and just try and hold onto the idea that somewhere, anywhere, Y/N was okay and one day she would come back and they could finally do all the things Y/N planned tiredly during late nights after stressful school days and hot bubble baths together.

Nothing would ever be okay until Zoe had her Y/N back. Not until she was able to sit with her girlfriend and talk like they did in the greenhouse during their free time between classes. Not until she could hear Y/N make a joke about Cordelia being Zoe's 'not so official sister-in-law' one day. Not until one of them would pop the question that would change their lives forever. Not until one of them had delivered the baby Y/N claimed she would love and spoil like she never was.

Every small detail had some impact on Zoe. Whenever she would see a white tulip or a black rose, Zoe remembered those were Y/N's favorite flowers. She remembered how Y/N tied her shoes in the weirdest way because she had to teach herself at a young age with no assistance and it just stuck with her. Y/N would always complain if someone added sugar to her coffee before the cream because it 'doesn't make the coffee sweeter at all if you do it like that'. All those small things that made Zoe laugh or roll her eyes had now caused so much pain.

It had gotten easier as the days went by. Zoe wouldn't lock her door and shut everyone away anymore. She would finally join the girls for breakfast and sit in her seat and smile and laugh. She finally returned to teaching her classes, relieving Queenie of the extra work. She stopped crying as much as she did. Granted, she would have a few days out of those 197 that were important to her. The anniversary of their first date, Y/N's birthday, and so many more. An honorable mention would be the anniversary of the time Y/N got hurt and was in the hospital after she Zoe's place during a final exam just incase one of the girls fucked up the spell they were learning(in which they most certainly did).

Zoe loved that picture of Y/N after that day. Her laying in bed next to her after they got back to academy and Y/N had gotten everything checked out just incase one of the witches missed an injury. Even if Y/N was in some sort of pain she was smiling like an idiot because Zoe had told her how grateful she was she didn't get seriously hurt.

Zoe never thought life would return to being as hard as it was the first couple of weeks Y/N hadn't been seen. However, she was proven wrong when she was teaching a class about magic in nature. She needed emergency lesson plans so she went into the attic hoping to find some old ones, even if they were a little outdated. She really didn't check what was in the box before starting her class for that day.

Zoe had her back turned to her class as they were practicing something she taught them the day before. She was going through the box when she had saw the all too familiar black notebook squeezed between a few old leather books. She very reluctantly picked up the notebook. The first thing she saw was Y/N's name neatly written on the corner of it. A picture of Y/N and Zoe was slid in the front of it, a picture Zoe remembered almost too well. She never had a copy of it because Y/N said it was too special to share with anyone, even Zoe herself.

Y/N had her arm wrapped lazily around Zoe's shoulders, glitter on both of their cheeks and sunglasses sitting on their noses. Y/N had a black flower crown on top of her head, a matching white one on Zoe's. They stuck their tongues out, stained blue from the snowballs Y/N had gotten for them. You could very faintly see a lipstick mark on Y/N's cheek that Zoe had left just prior to the picture being taken. The small tattoo that read 'When witches don't fight, they burn' could be seen on Y/N's wrist. No matter how much Y/N despised Fiona, she loved that quote and lived by it everyday of her life. That's why she got it on her wrist, so she could always see it and remind herself of what needed to be done.

Zoe took in every detail of the photo of Y/N and her at the music festival she was forced to attend by her girlfriend. Looking back, she felt bad for making such a big deal of not wanting to go, but then loving it by the second performance of the first day. Her eyes swelled with tears as she looked at the caption Y/N had added in her hand writing at the bottom of the photo. 'ME AND MY FUTURE WIFE - VOODOO FESTIVAL'.

Zoe took the notebook into her hands and quickly walked out of the room. She had ran into Cordelia on her way out of the class, soft sobs racking her body. Cordelia looked down at the notebook in Zoe's hands and brought the younger witch into her arms knowing that it was Y/N's old collection of spells she had learned. They might've stood there for five minutes as Zoe cried on Delia's shoulder, gasping for air as she seemed to run out of tears.

All Zoe could think about was Y/N, of course she was always on her mind but the picture did something to her. It brought her back to the night her, Cordelia, Queenie, Madison, Misty, and Nan were sat in the living room desperately trying to get in touch with Y/N after she went to Los Angeles for a meeting with another coven. Zoe remembered just sitting quietly in the armchair, knees pulled against her chest and thinking about all the horrible things that could be happening to her girlfriend at that very second. She remembered losing the light of her life 197 days ago.

Zoe hadn't even heard Cordelia when she said she would take her classes for the rest of the day. She just remembered being led to her room and being sat on her bed, the notebook still being held tight against her chest. Zoe calmed herself, her breathing slowing down to its normal rate and the sobs stopping. She slid the picture out of the notebook's cover. There were a few sticky notes slid into the clear cover that Zoe couldn't stomach to unfold and read, just incase they were tasks Y/N never got to finish or the love letters Y/N would slip to her when they would grade papers together. She managed to grab the photo and held it in her hands as she carefully casted the book aside.

"What happened to you?" Zoe's voice cracked as she stared at the photo. She let out an unstable breath, hands still shaking. "I miss you so much Y/N/N." Zoe laid down on her bed and looked up at the ceiling. Her current state reminded her of one of her favorite memories with Y/N. Zoe had a stressful day and just broke down crying when she saw her girlfriend in her bedroom. Of course Y/N had to pamper her girlfriend with childish sleepover activities and a relaxing bubble bath before cuddling all night long.

—

Y/N stepped out of the bathroom and smiled at Zoe's tired expression. She told Zoe to wait for her on the bed while she blew out all the candles she lit, and took care of the rose and tulip petals she had put in the tub to make her and Zoe's bath even more relaxing. Zoe smiled at her girlfriend as she got into bed next to her. "Feeling better love?" Y/N brought Zoe into her arms, the witch giggling as she rested her head on Y/N's shoulder.

Zoe nodded, taking Y/N's free hand into her own as she looked at the tv, an old show on the Hallmark Channel playing. "A lot better," Zoe whispered. Y/N smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of Zoe's head. "I love you Y/N/N," Zoe cuddled closer into her girlfriend, squeezing her hand slightly.

A little laugh came from Y/N while she looked at Zoe's sleepy figure pressed against her. "I love you too Zo," Y/N watched as Zoe laughed at the nickname. "Let me tell you what I was thinking about today," Y/N lowered down the episode of The Golden Girls and moved to where she was sitting in front of Zoe. Zoe only hummed while she fixed her position so she was sitting up straight and looking directly at Y/N. "I was just thinking about how much I love you, you know... as I do everyday. Anyways! I was just thinking about our future and, like, when we're married and finally have kids just how happy I would want everyone to be no matter what," Y/N rambled on, looking at her nails she had practically forced Zoe to paint before their bubble bath. She only did so because she knew it would make Zoe happy. And she was totally right about it.

Zoe raised an eyebrow at Y/N and grabbed her hands. "Married?" she cut the witch off. "Is this a proposal Ms. L/N?" Zoe gasped dramatically, watching Y/N roll her eyes.

"No way, it's not special enough," Y/N shook her head. Zoe smiled at Y/N's sureness, cheeks becoming red at the thought of them getting married and living their lives out together. A soft smile crept onto Y/N's features as she thought about it too, Zoe finding something so loving about her eyes at the moment. "But, I never really had a family until I came here and I don't want my kids feeling like that have to search for a family. I just want them to have the best home and the best moms, and maybe, just maybe, a few dogs or something? I don't know we'll see!" Y/N smiled at Zoe, pure happiness covering her features.

"Do you really want kids with me?" Zoe's question was barely a whisper. She looked at Y/N and laughed at her shocked face.

"Are you dumb?" Y/N pulled Zoe closer to her. She wrapped her arms around her waist and smiled brightly, the same smile that made Zoe's heart melt the first time she saw it. "I want to spend the entirety of my future with you, and us building a family of little Zoe 'Badass' Benson's running around is like the main part!"

—

Y/N and Zoe had stood up for hours talking about their futures together that night. She still remembered Y/N holding her close and talking about exactly what her dream house would look like, and how she already knew just how she was going to decorate for the holidays through the year. It was almost like it was just last night that they laughed and exchanged sweet kisses with one another as Y/N promised to make Zoe's life the greatest it ever was.

"I'm not crying again," Zoe whispered to herself as she blinked away the tears that were daring to spill. She wiped her eyes and stood up from the bed, deciding the best thing would be to sleep off the emotions. With an exhaled breath she walked over to her closet and grabbed clothes to fall asleep in. She grabbed a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt that used to belong to Y/N, one of her favorites.

After a quick shower she changed into the clothes and walked into the bedroom. Her eyes landed on the picture and she smiled sadly. She grabbed it from her pillow and moved to stand in front of the bulletin board that was full of cute notes and pictures from years past. She smiled as she pinned the picture in the middle of the board, backing away to look at all the old photos and sticky notes. With a small nod she walked away and got into bed. A flick of her hand turned all the lights off and she quickly drifted to sleep, drowning out the outside noise and thoughts.

—

Zoe woke up to her phone going off on the other side of the room. Groaning loudly she got up from the bed and walked over to the vanity her phone was laying on. She picked it up and raised an eyebrow at the screen. The number wasn't saved and it didn't even have a location under it. Zoe very reluctantly picked up the phone and held it to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hey babe, can you talk right now? It's Y/N."

[gsremade]

Since you’re open to request could I ask for a lil rhyiona thingy? Maybe something short and sweet? Thanks in advance unless u can’t do it in which case just ignore me lol

They’re standing at the base of an old signal tower, light from Elpis shining down on the flats around them and reflecting off the parts of the metal framework that aren’t rusted to all hell.

“I don’t like heights,” Rhys informs Fiona for what must be about the hundredth time as they both consider the structure in front of them.

He can see her nod in his peripheral. “I know you don’t.”

“Is that why you neglected to tell me until the very last second that the fuse you needed me to replace was at the top of goddamn Barad-dûr?”

“The top of… what?”

Rhys sighs, bringing up a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Never mind.”

A cool breeze rolls through, making him shiver. As if it wasn’t already bad enough that Fiona dragged him all the way out here at whatever unholy hour of the night it is right now. He genuinely has no idea how she even convinced him to do this in the first place, considering he has a pile of overdue paperwork collecting dust on his desk and a meeting with a potential investor first thing tomorrow morning.

There’s plenty of other things he could be doing right now. Plenty of other things.

And yet here he is, standing around in the middle of nowhere with his shoulders hiked up around his neck and bouncing on the balls of his feet to try to generate some semblance of warmth like a jackass.

“Sooo.” Fiona bumps her hip pointedly against his. “Are we going up or what?”

Rhys scoffs in her direction, fisting his hands in his sleeves. “Somewhere along the line, I think you started severely overestimating how much I’m willing to risk my life for you.”

“Oh, come on,” she says. “It’s not that tall. You wouldn’t die if you fell. Well, okay, you probably would. But it would be quick and painless!”

He rolls his eyes. “That is sooo not reassuring.”

Huffing impatiently, she stomps around to stand right in front of him and plants her hands on her hips. “Look, I told Sasha I would take care of this before tomorrow because we all know how cranky everybody gets when the radio isn’t working. August opens his stupid mouth way more often and Athena threatens to kill everybody at least twice an hour and Sasha spends so much time trying to pry those two apart that nothing ever gets done. Annoying pop music is the only thing that keeps us all from self destructing.”

Rhys thinks- and not for the first time- that he is very lucky to have his own private office. “If you were going to take care of it, then why am I here?”

“Because,” she starts, and then falters for a moment before continuing, “I… sort of broke it even more and now I don’t know how to fix it.”

He blinks a few times. “Broke… what, exactly?”

“The fuse? I think?” she says, but it sounds more like a question than a statement. “It was stuck in there pretty good so I tried to rip it out, but, well.”

She makes this vague hand gesture that he’s not sure actually conveys anything meaningful, but he thinks he gets the gist.

“I know it’s a lot to ask for,” she continues, “but I could really use your help on this one. Plus we’re kind of already out here and it’s a half hour walk back to base, so.” She steps forward to lay a hand on his arm. “Please.”

Shaking his head and trying to fight back the impending sense of doom twisting his stomach into knots, Rhys motions towards the very unsafe looking ladder on the side of the tower. “After you.”

It’s a long way up, the structure creaking and groaning ominously around them and the metal railing shuddering with every tiny shift of their weight. He half expects the entire thing to come crashing down before they even make it to the maintenance platform, but the structural integrity of the tower remains sound and they get up to where they need to be in one piece.

It’s colder and breezier up here than it was down below, but at least the view is sort of nice in its own barren and desolate way. The flat desert around them is cast in a purpley hue, sporadic gusts of wind kicking up sand clouds all across the landscape. Even the sky looks different, somehow more vast and unending than it had looked from the ground.

The ground that is. Very far away. He can see that once he makes the grave mistake of looking all the way down.

Shit.

He stumbles backwards until his back hits the central beam of the tower to get a safe distance away from the edge. Which might have been way more helpful had the platform they’re standing on right now been made of something solid instead of grated panels, because he can still see just how high in the air they are through the slats. He squeezes his eyes shut, willing his heart to stop pounding and his breathing to slow because dammit, he’s fine, nothing bad is going to happen and everything is fine.

But what if it’s not? What if the supports start collapsing, or what if the rails around the perimeter give way and one of them falls, or what if what if what if-

“Hey,” Fiona says softly as she takes his hands from where they’re clenched into fists at his sides and carefully works her fingers between his. “Hey. Look at me.”

“I don’t like heights,” he tells her again without opening his eyes. “I really, really, really don’t like heights.”

“I know.” She runs her thumb over the back of his knuckles, and her hands are so warm compared to his. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t- I didn’t know this would be-” He can hear her take a breath and blow it back out. “It’s okay, Rhys. You’re okay.”

That’s funny, because they’re, like, hundreds of feet in the air right now, which definitely doesn’t feel okay. But he forces himself to focus on the sensation of her tracing shapes over the back of his hand until he feels less panicky and more just incredibly, nauseatingly anxious. Which, frankly, still sucks, but at least it’s a considerable step down from before.

Once he feels like he’s able to, he cracks open his eyes enough to look down at her. She’s watching him so carefully, so tenderly, green eyes wide and searching as she continues to hold his hands in her own. And then she smiles up at him, a little hesitant, a little crooked, but still full and warm and earnest.

“Better?” she asks.

He’s not sure how to answer that. It still feels the same- the paralyzing fear of being in danger of plummeting to his death at any moment. But it’s also different, somehow. Farther away. Like he’s here with her and everything else is just a step or two behind them, looming right over his shoulder and chattering viciously in his ears but never quite able to catch all the way up.

So. Maybe not better, not in the sense that it’s all magically gone away. Maybe just… easier.

“A little,” he finally decides to say for simplicity’s sake, and then clears his throat a bit awkwardly. “I, uh. Might have to throw up here in a second, but-”

She takes a very generous step away from him at that. “Over the railing, not on me, please and thank you.”

Wow. He guesses he just found the limits of her helpful patience. Brutal. Rhys gives her the flattest look he can muster. “I was kidding.”

Fiona gives him an even flatter look in return, clearly disbelieving. “If any of it gets on me, I swear I’ll push you over the edge.”

He doesn’t doubt it. After he’s actually sure he really isn’t going to puke, he turns to make his way around the platform towards the fuse box. Fiona attempts to explain what she did as he struggles to figure out how in the hell she even jacked it up this badly. The fuse she tried to pull out wasn’t even the one that was busted. He tells her as much but she doesn’t believe him, insisting that she, quote, “Knows a blown fuse when she sees one, goddammit.”

Which she clearly doesn’t, otherwise he wouldn’t be having to fix her mess right now. She doesn’t have a lot more to say once he points that out. But she does shoot lots of dirty looks in his direction as he finishes the job she attempted to start, like it’s his fault that she can’t handle the cold, hard truth.

Once he replaces the correct fuse and fixes the one Fiona messed with, the lights on the tower come back on and everything seems to be functional. Rhys lets out a deep sigh of relief when they finally get back down on the ground where they belong, swearing to himself up and down that if Fiona ever asks him to do anything like this again, he’s changing his name and moving to the Southern Shelf to dig a complex tunnel system in a snowbank so he can live out the rest of his life in relative peace.

He’s so busy fantasizing about his future as a hermit that he doesn’t notice Fiona creeping up behind him until she pokes him in his ribs to get his attention. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he gripes back, spinning around to catch her hand before she can jab him again because dammit, she knows how ticklish he is.

But it doesn’t appear that her intention is to start a tickle fight, because she rolls her eyes and shakes her wrist free of his grip to twine their fingers together instead.

“I didn’t get to say thank you before you were hauling ass down the ladder,” she says, taking a few steps closer. “So, you know. Thank you. I mean it. And I’m sorry for tricking you to get you out here in the first place.”

Sighing, he brings his free hand up to tuck a loose lock of hair behind her ear. “You do know if you had just told me, I still would have helped, right?”

“Would you have, though?”

Rhys has to think about it for a second. Like, really think about it. “Okay, yeah, no. Probably not.”

She grins and stands on her toes to press her lips gently against his. He’s not sure if she means it more as an apology or just as an incentive to stop being mad, but either way, it’s surprisingly effective. She lowers herself down to stand flat on her feet again after a minute and he follows her, making her huff out a laugh against his mouth that turns into a sigh when he runs a hand up her side. Her breath catches when he pulls her closer by her hips, and he swallows a groan when she closes her teeth down on his bottom lip. When she starts to pull back, he catches her, pulling her close again and again to give her fleeting kisses until she swats him away with a laugh.

“That was easy,” she tells him as she moves both her arms up to wind them around his neck. “One kiss and I’m already forgiven. I’ll have to remember that for next time.”

“Hey, don’t you dare make me feel cheap,” he pouts as he slides his hands past her coat to run his thumbs along the seams of her vest. “And who said you were forgiven? I’m obviously still furious. Seething with rage, actually.”

She nods. “Right. Of course. Luckily, I know exactly what buttons to push to get back on your good side.”

He raises an eyebrow at her dubiously. “And… what buttons would those be?”

“I don’t want to spoil the surprise,” she says. “But I’ll give you a hint.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Two words.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You and me.”

“Right.”

“In your bed.”

Rhys makes this big show of mulling it over before gasping dramatically and releasing her to grab her by the shoulders. “Pillow forts?”

Fiona laughs so loud it echoes across the plains, taking him by the hand and not letting go the entire way home.

[waiting-forthemuse-blog]

hiiii im lame and dont have a ‘real’ tumblr (i did at one point but maintaining it made me anxious) so please enjoy this poorly put together sideblog that is used for apps/pre-opening surveys. 

Name/alias & Introduction.

hi hi hi! my name is alyssa, i’m a 21 year old studying theatre and english! i’m a redheaded feminist who cares too much about people, who loves disney, and who consumes too much coffee on a daily basis. i spend most of my time in class, working on costumes, or in rehearsal, but i somehow always wander back to tumblr, and, well, here we are! i have a possibility of meeting fiona shaw (aunt petunia) next semester and i’ve been screaming since i found out.

What’s your favorite book? Favorite movie? Favorite TV show? Favorite animal?   

oh goodness. okay. here we go.

my favorite genre of book is historical fiction, specifically concerning the world wars, especially set in/concerning france. some of my favorites - the nightingale, all the light we cannot see, and the storyteller! outside of that genre, i love everything jennifer donnelly’s written (the rose triology was fantastic), the harry potter books (...clearly.), and gone with the wind!

my favorite movie without a doubt is gone with the wind. close second is the 2015 live action cinderella, meet me in st louis, and anastasia! i also loved age of adaline, and the intern, for more recent releases!

favorite tv shows are game of thrones, the office, and trashy reality tv competitions. im basic, we’re moving on.

my favorite animal is an elephant! they have been since i was little. i cant really explain why, i just love them?

If you could visit any place in the world, where would it be and why?

i’m working on a show right now that takes place in russia, and my character’s biggest dream in life is to go to moscow, so right now, i’d really like to see that! (it’s chekhov’s three sisters, for any curious minds). i’d also really love to see london! and pembroke castle in wales, for another nerdy reason - i played the earl of pembroke in a shakespeare adaptation last year and the castle is still standing and apparently does historical reenactments! i need to see them!

What do you take everywhere with you?

to continue an honest trend - my phone. a pony tail holder and bobby pin, and typically a script! i have a ring that i’ve had since i was 16 that i wear every day as well, in addition to 3 others i’ve collected over time.

What are your favorite FC’s to play?

i adore lily james and sophie turner! i typically only play females, so i can’t really speak to male fc’s. i used jessica brown findlay once and she was lovely, and i have an ever growing list of hopeful future faces!

What’s your Hogwarts house? Your Illvermony house? 

i was a hufflepuff/ravenclaw hatstall and chose ravenclaw, and am a pukwudgie! i once saw it described that your hogwarts house reflects your greatest strengths, and you illvermony house reflects how you use those strengths, and i thought that was pretty beautiful. 

What’s your Patronus?

im pretty sure it was some type of bird, and a horse at one point? i honestly don’t remember.

Favorite Harry Potter books/movies quote?

‘...a way of seeing the beauty in others, even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn't see it in themselves‘

i think this quote is so important to remember and think about. it shows us that in the end, above talent and skill, how we treat those around us is the legacy we leave behind. i think that’s kind of beautiful, and something everyone in the world could stand to hear today.

Who are your favorite characters from the books/movies?

i was definitely the 13 year old who thought she was hermione growing up. i also adore luna, and lily, obviously! i love the freedom of getting to think of the next generation, especially victoire, and always had an appreciation for mcgonagall and lupin.

Which skeletons were you interested in?

if you haven’t already caught it, i adore lily! but some of the slytherin women have caught my eye too, which is interesting and kind of scary, because i typically steer clear of the not-so-nice characters.

What drew you to our little group in particular?

i think it can be hard to come up with fresh, new ideas for the marauders that doesn’t completely take away from the story. there’s a very fine line between working and not working, and this group seems to be falling perfectly in place! the ideas seem lovely, and i can’t wait to see what happens with it!

What are you looking forward to in this roleplay?

everything? i’m excited to see what the admins have up their sleeves, and what this new set of circumstances means for the characters we all already know, how it will affect their development, and where it will take them in their journeys!

And finally… Coffee or Tea? Cats or Dogs? Books or Movies? Hot or Cold? Flowers or Plants? Outdoors or Indoors? Ice cream or Froyo? Beach or Mountains?

oh god. i am horrendously bad at making decisions of any kind, so don’t hate me for this

both (coffee in the morning, tea at night). both (i fully plan on adopting one of each). books for the feelings evokes, movies for entertainment. hot showers, cold weather. flowers (ironically, my favorite flower is a lily - i get them from my parents every time i open a show). indoors, especially in allergy season. both ice cream and froyo have their time and place in my heart. beach to spend time at, mountains to look at.

[buddaimond]

Kristen Stewart talks fashion, fears, text etiquette - and 'Personal Shopper

by Fiona Williams 18 Apr 2017 Q: With Personal Shopper you give us an insight into that rarefied world of high fashion, and how it works.

There are a very, very small group of people who actually go and shop at Chanel showrooms and those people are the real “other worldly” wealthy people. It’s couture, it’s delicate, handcrafted, really precious one of a kind works of art so you are investing in an artform when you go and buy their stuff.

Chanel does stand separately from most of the others - they are an independently owned company, still, which is the last of the luxury brands. And you feel that. There is a genuine, very compulsive faithfulness to aesthetic and care for that aesthetic. They really do stand apart from the people who do it for farcical reasons. A lot of people want to look like they appreciate an aesthetic and beauty but… Some people look at a sunset and it brings them to tears. Some people don’t look twice. It’s a really human spiritual thing to be moved by an image. So within fashion, those people really stick out because those who don’t have it are there because they want to be popular, they want attention. They want to be looked at in a certain way and it validates them in some way to be looked at. That’s actually very empty. It’s just really easy to tell the difference between the two.

Q: You’re back working with Olivier again. How was it different this time? How did you build on what you’d learned about each other from Sils Maria?

The roles are very different, for one thing. Olivier and I have a great relationship because we really ‘see’ each other. I feel like he really understands me and I don’t really have to explain myself to him. We usually agree. There’s a great, real friendship and a closeness that provides a trust that, like, just puts you in the perfect position to explore a difficult subject and always feel like you’re going to be caught by this safety net if you ever really, truly, fall too hard. And that only got deeper on the second go around.

Also just by nature of the movie, it’s so much more sad and you know, Sils Maria was bittersweet and a little bit tumultuous between those two characters, and there was pain in that, but it wasn’t as deep and as fundamental as the pain in this movie. It didn’t bring into question things that don’t have answers and that’s what this movie is about. It’s really about finding peace in not knowing where we’re going to end up and who are are and whether or not our reality is just our perception or whether it’s something that we share. We’re never going to know that. But it’s worth asking the question. It’s worth being aware of it. For both of us, we found that you need to be so raw in order to address those things. We’re just so close now. We’ve been through so much together now that we have those footholds to base a relationship off of, and we’ll only go deeper.

Q: What was it like to have an iPhone as your co-star in so many scenes? How did you approach that and try to make those scenes interesting?

Oh God, what you can project onto an iPhone and into messages from somebody can sometimes be so one-sided! I was basically playing with my own version of myself. Also I felt like anytime there was going to be a close-up or an insert of the messages, it should feel like a close-up of me. You should feel the tension in my hands. You should feel every typo. Every choice in punctuation should speak volumes, because it is a new language that we’ve all sort of written ourselves. You have a different text voice, whether you capitalise something. Or put a period on it, or put a lot of spaces in between something, it says a lot! This is this sort of new language that’s interesting. That... [motions texting, with intensity]... I mean… [laughs]

Q: Are you a big texter? Ever feel like you need a digital detox?

I’m not constantly reaching for my phone. I have a personal Instagram that allows me to stay connected to people that I don’t see on a regular basis, but I don’t have social media, I don’t have this heavy phone addiction. So I’ve never had to detox from it. There are times I find myself reaching for my phone for no reason and I just literally, go, ‘What are you looking for? Nothing!’. When i notice myself doing that, I realise that i’m actually just bored and that I should occupy my time with something else.

Q: What did you think about the ghost story aspect of the film?

When I read the script, I kind of missed the fact that it was a ghost story, because my character, the way she was written, wasn’t that afraid. There was such fervent curiosity that drove her towards the ghosts that I didn’t find them scary in the script. I thought that there was just like a need for questions to be answered, and that need overpowered any fear-based impulse. Then when we got to make the movie... the unknown is terrifying and I don’t care who you are. That was much more theoretical, that idea of not being afraid. It was something that i could implicate conceptually, but literally, on the day, nobody could face those things and not be literally, physically, shaken by it because it’s like, I mean it is scary! It’s really scary. It’s just that while I was reading it, I didn’t realise that it was such a - quote-unquote - horror movie.

He really goes for some effective scares

I know, right?! But to be honest, I still find the scarier parts of that movie are when you can see someone suddenly aware of the fact that we’ll never know where we are or who we are necessarily. Those moments where Maureen starts reeling, and things become incredibly uncertain? Those are debilitating, anxiety-inducing, physically stifling thoughts. I know that feeling. I was like, ‘God, I’m so happy I’m not in one of those places, I’m so happy that I’m not um, in that right now’. Because I’ve had moments like that where I’ve been racked with absolute physical manifestations of anxiety, and it was just like, the only way to get out of that is to go for a run or to physically get yourself moving and really exert your physicality and get yourself out of your brain. Because you’re never going to find the answer. Again, it’s finding peace in the not knowing and finding an appreciation for whatever it is that connects us, and i know it is something invisible, it’s worthwhile because it makes you feel less alone. And that’s really what we’re all hoping to do anyway.

Q: On the subject of physicality, I notice you’ve made Maureen intensely tactile. She’s always gripping at belts, and scrunching up these beautiful pieces of jewellery as she inspects them. How did you work that in as a Maureen mannerism? Why does she do that?

I think Maureen’s attracted to things that she’s ashamed to be attracted to. So she’s aggressive with them. These really delicate necklaces, she’s so taken by them but she’s feeling guilty about it, so she almost wants to harm them. Do you know what i mean?

Not personally, but sure.

Because she’s not the most self-assured person and she has so many aspects of herself that don’t typically go together, finding a balance in that is kind of the struggle of the movie. There’s one side of her that’s purely animalistic and very feminine and really just embodies... She’s like a tigress. She’s like a really sensual, immediate, impulsive animal, but there are also other times where she’s so moored by thought and those defences go up immediately. And those defences are very hard and very masculine and androgynous because she misses her brother. She’s half a person and she’s trying to emulate him. It’s like there was a strength that he had that she doesn’t have without him, and she’s trying to do an impression of him in order to feel strong and it’s just not her. It’s sad to watch that kind of thing, it’s clearly just somebody that’s trying to hide.

Q: You’ve played a lot of celebrity assistant roles lately, with this, Sils Maria, and also recently, in the Woody Allen film. Are you referencing relationships that you have with people who work with you?

Yeah, it’s funny role reversal. I know that job inside out. But I don’t have a personal shopper. That’s not a very common job. [Grabs at blazer] These clothes that we wear to press conferences and red carpets and stuff, they’re all lent to us. I don’t have people going out and buying opulent elaborate pieces for me for my own collection, it’s an interaction with that artform which is temporary and within the context of promoting a movie.

Q: Some celebrities seem to use fashion as an escape, or a bit of armour, for want of a better word. You seem really connected to the clothes you wear, though.

Absolutely, I think when clothes really can do their job, they’re the opposite of armour, they can make you feel like you don’t want to hide, and you’re the true version of yourself in the right outfit.

Some people don’t have much interest in it, and some people don’t have very defined taste. A lot of actors really just don’t care, so they hire people that do, to help them. But me? I really like it. The reason I’m not ashamed of that is because it’s coming from a really true place. I don’t find it to be superficial at all. I think that when I put on the right garment I feel like a truer version of myself. I feel there are stories to tell with clothes, and when you find people that feel the same way, it’s really fun to work with them.

I think it’s pretty obvious when there’s the opposite of that - it’s obvious when people are drawn to that world because they want attention. I don’t want to look good because I want everyone to stare at me; I want to look good because I want to feel like myself. It’s about feeling like you, and clothes can help you achieve that.

http://www.sbs.com.au/movies/article/2017/04/17/kristen-stewart-talks-fashion-fears-text-etiquette-and-personal-shopper

Follow the author here.

[rnainframe]

every borderlands question?

was gonna sleep but hey why notHow did you get into Borderlands?I first heard of it years ago when 2 was about to come out but then I truly got into it around late 2015 when @undeaddarude got me 2 on Steam for Christmas in return for me impulse buying them L4D2, then this past Christmas @aceiou got me Tales and I bought the restWhich is your favorite game in the franchise?Pre-SequelFavorite character? I have a bunch. Tim, Gladstone, Pickle, Zed, Jack, Athena, Rhys, Vaughn, Fiona, Zer0, r Hyperion voice over lady... a lot If you could meet your favorite character, what would you tell them?tim you deserve so much betterA character you consider underrated?Pickle and Gladstone An OTP?Rhysothy! Least favorite character?I HATE THE DAHL NEW US SO MUCH, If you could meet your least favorite I accidentally deleted part of this questionA character you consider overrated?most of my faves are the overrated onesA NOTP?R / hack Favorite gun brand?HyperionFavorite shield brand?PangolinWeapon of choice?Sniper rifles and shotgunsA gun or skill you can never seem to get along with?SMGsFavorite mission?face mcshooty.... also the one in pre sequel where the guy opens a window and you get a ton of exp from it, aaand the voice over lady one from tpsA mission you found extremely easy?I wasn't expecting most of the high exp TPS side missions to be so easy, especially the flag raising oneA mission you found extremely hard?WHY IS COLLECTING GUNS SO DIFFICULT FOR MEWich game has the best ending and why?TPS, it's the only game besides Tales I really remember the end of due to me recently beating it and the Tales one frustrates me because WHERE ARE THEYFavorite boss fight?Boom Bewm! It made the series really stick for meCharacter of choice in Borderlands (Mordecai, Roland, Lilith, Brick)?Mordecai! Your prefered skill tree for said character?I think I picked the sniping oriented oneCharacter of choice in Borderlands 2 (Maya, Salvador, Axton, Zer0, Gaige, Krieg)?Zer0! Your prefered skill tree for said character?Sniping oneCharacter of choice in Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel (Athena, Wilhelm, Claptrap, Nisha, Jack, Aurelia)?Jack! Your prefered skill tree for said character?Hero of the Story + Greater GoodFavorite character in Tales from the Borderlands?Gortys and LoaderLeast favorite character in Tales from the Borderlands?OH HIS NAME IS SHADE ISN'T ITFavorite villain?JackWorst villain?bosun please shut upFavorite quote from your favorite character?pretty much anything Tim says what a dorkFunniest quote you can think of?The Hyperion Corporation would like to remind you that spawn campers will be permanently banned from this plane of existence. Creepiest moment in the games?it doesn't really faze meBest easter eggs?They're not really easter eggs but all the little nods to 2 and Tales in TPS are great like helping Nakayama make the first AI Jack or building the first Constructor with Gladstone Favorite location?Hyperion Hub of Heroism and Bloodshot RampartsPandora or Elpis?Pandora If you could spend a day on Pandora or Elpis, what would you do?dieA character you have a crush on?TIM IS ADORABLE OKAY, A character you wish you could play as?What if there was a Borderlands game where you play as the main vendors and the TPS ones are dlcHardest achievement to unlock?I SPENT TOO LONG ON 360 NOSCOPE FOR IT TO BE BRONZEFavorite wild animal species?Kraggons! And SkagsLeast favorite wild animal species?shugguraths can eat my assSomething you’re looking forward to in the next game/s?WHERE IS LIKE EVERY LIVING MAIN CHARACTER THAT HASN'T HAD A CONFIRMATION OF HOW THEY'RE DOING... HOW IS TIMSomething you wish you could change in the franchise?can we maybe have a different name for the psychos A character you wish had died but didn’t?no ideaA character you wish had lived but died?don't wanna spoil the couple friends of mine currently playing tpsFavorite skins and heads?And Jill plus the Rhys loyalty skin on Tim, Ech0location and Like Cl0ckw0rk on Zer0What’s the rarest weapon you’ve ever found?LongnailSomething you do in EVERY playthrough, no matter what?i tend to pick only the same characters in each gameLasers or EXPLOOOOSIOOOONS??Lasers! A scene in the games that is always stuck in your head no matter what?a lotBiggest amount of money you’ve ever had in a single playthrough?I think I have over 100k cash and 200 moonstone in tps rn How many times have you played each of the games?1 - still in my first run2 - 3TPS - 2Tales - 1Who is your favorite voice actor/actress in the franchise?Dameon ClarkeFavorite AI?ALLFavorite song in the OST?Dam Top, Glacial Would you like a movie based on Borderlands?why notIf so, who would you like to see in the cast?shrugsDo you usually play on your own or with friends?on my ownHow many gameplay hours have you reached in total so far?hundreds, probablyOn which platform do you own/play them?PC / PS4

[gokinjeespot]

off the rack #1178

Monday, September 4, 2017

 It's the Labour Day holiday today so here's to all the folks that have fought for and are fighting for labourers' rights. I have always been grateful for the jobs that I've had and try to do them to the best of my abilities. As a manager I have supported and backed up all of my staff and treated people fairly. I think it's as simple as that but in reality situations can get complicated so laws must be written. I was raised by two very hard working parents who sacrificed a lot for us kids. White collar or blue, let's try to work together to make things better.

 So my tackle box full of fishing lures was stolen overnight but thanks to Penny, my family and friends, especially Rebecca, I have gotten over the shock already. If you look at my picture in my grade 13 year book you'll read, and I quote "I hate getting ripped off". It really grinds my gears. I would have let the theft bother me so much that I wouldn't be able to sleep for days. But I have mellowed in my old age and realise that it's only stuff. None of it was irreplaceable. Now all I have to do is go buy new stuff and be smarter about it too.

 I finished reading Matt Wagner's Mage Hard Cover Volume 2 A Hero Defined last night and was thrilled to rediscover that he put a couple of people that I personally know in the book. I recognised Diana Schutz, who I worked with at The Comicshop in Vancouver and who went on to become Executive Editor at Dark Horse Comics, and her husband at the time Bob Schrek. Matt's likenesses were spot on. The last time I saw the couple was during a visit to Vancouver for Expo 86. I still get fanboy glee when I see stuff like that in a comic book. Matt is currently finishing up the Mage story with A Hero Denied on the racks right now, and I look forward to reading it once the 15 issues are completed and collected. This really is a timeless tale. I did not feel like I was reading an olde comic book story while going through volumes one and two.

 Generations: Hawkeye & Hawkeye #1 - Kelly Thompson (writer) Stefano Raffaele (art) Digikore (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). Kate and Clint are stuck on an island ala TV's Green Arrow doing a Hunger Games competition with a bunch of super villains. Sure, it's derivative but Kelly may have lured me back to reading the Hawkeye book again with this one shot. I stopped reading when Kate moved out west and struck out on her own but it looks like she and Clint are back together again so I'm going to check out the recent issues of Hawkeye.

 Darkseid #1 - Jack "The King" Kirby would have been 100 years old this year and the tributes to him can be found all over the racks and the internet. I was a fan of his art when I started reading comic books. His work on Captain America and Fantastic Four excited me with their dynamic poses and futuristic sets. I marvelled at how far apart he drew Captain America's legs and his rocky Thing made "it's clobbering time" a favourite catch phrase of mine. I fell out of love for Jack's art when guys like Neal Adams, Jim Steranko and Barry Smith came along and by the time Jack started his Fourth World stuff at DC I no longer sought out his books to read. I picked this tribute book up because the main story is by Mark Evanier. I love his Groo comics and follow his blog (http://www.newsfromme.com/) so I thought I would enjoy his Darkseid story. Mark captured the essence of Jack's creation very well but alas, he didn't make me any fonder of the villain and Apokalips than I was before. I'm glad that he cleared up how to pronounce Darkseid once and for all though. It's dark side, not dark seed. Now if only someone could straighten me out about Mark's last name, Evanier. Is it "even near", "ev-an-near" or "ee-van-knee-eh" as the Francophones say?

 Star Wars: Mace Windu #1 - Matt Owens (writer) Denys Cowan (pencils) Roberto Poggi (inks) Guru-eFX (letters). This 5-issue mini features the Jedi played by actor Samuel L. Jackson and I kept expecting him to swear but he doesn't because this book is rated T for teen. I'm not a big Star Wars fan so I don't know where this story falls in the Star Wars history but Mace is sent on a mission to find out what the Separatists are up to on a planet in the Outer Rim. I was enjoying this book until Yoda showed up. I find Yoda speak annoying and almost stopped reading but I finished the book because I haven't seen Denys Cowan's work on the racks in a while. I'm glad he's drawing this book but his style isn't really suited for this space opera. If you want to see some really cool Denys Cowan art check out The Question.

 Wonder Woman #29 - Shea Fontana (writer) Inaki Miranda (art) Romulo Fajardo Jr. (colours) Saida Temofonte (letters). We find out why there's a bounty on Wonder Woman and the guy that put it out there. He turns out to be a dumb ass because all he had to do was ask. I'm going to give the villain a chance next issue but he better not let me down.

 Saga #46 - Brian K. Vaughn (writer) Fiona Staples (art) Fonografiks (letters). Some of you may be shocked by the last page but I saw that coming two pages back.

[athome-businessideas]

Former Detroit CEO Finds Vulnerability – and Fine-tunes His Business Savvy – in Tribal Papua New Guinea

When John Quinlan’s publicly traded company failed in 1985 his employees were hurt and his friends scattered. His marriage soon dissolved, removing his young stepdaughter from his life. With the need to withdraw from the public humiliation as well as to mend his heart, Quinlan set out on a quest that took him to places few have traveled, or even imagined.

“The ‘Tau Bada’ tale I’m about to share is not simply an achievement or an outcome, or a recipe for the attainment of goals and self-improvement, or even a romantic happy ending. It is about the quiet transitions to real courage and the soul milieu that connects and binds us as mutual occupants of a shared planet.”

Thus begins Quinlan’s book Tau Bada, The Quest and Memoir of a Vulnerable Man. Tau Bada means “big white man,” which is what Quinlan is when he meets up with the tribes of Papua New Guinea’s Oro Province, north of Australia.

Realizing his relationships are shallow and that he doesn’t really know himself – or like what he knows – Quinlan leaves his posh lifestyle in Grosse Pointe, Michigan, to travel across the US on his motorcycle on a personal trek to self-discovery. Out west, he meets and falls for Fiona Delaney, a Papua New Guinea native who is working with a group of girls with disabilities. The instant bond with her is so strong that, in Quinlan’s words, “It’s like magic.”

Low-Cost Home-Based Businesses – Visit the Home Biz Mag EXPO

Following his heart, John and Fiona, who eventually marry, travel through the South Pacificdetermined to create a sustainable livelihood business, since Fiona’s visa was no longer valid for the US. They make an attempt at a fishing business before settling on coffeeexporting in Papua New Guinea. There, Quinlan uses his expertise as a businessman to pull together over 2400 people from numerous different tribes to form a business focused oncoffee collection, processing, logistics and export. What he doesn’t count on are the culturaldifferences or the aura of fear and mistrust that surround some of the tribes regarding this “big white man”, as well as each other. Or – closer to home – the greed and vengeance that are apparently equivalent across the globe,whether in a boardroom in Grosse Pointe, Michigan or a tribal hut in the PNG mountains.

Fiona, a strong partner in both business and life, proves to be the rock John thought she was when he first met her. Her resiliency givesher the titles of “The Woman Who Would Not Be Shot” and for her outspokenness as a businesswoman, she is called “The Man in a Woman’s Body” by the tribes people where they worked in Papua New Guinea.

Michigan-born author John E Quinlan makes his literary debut with a book so fascinating on every level that he calls up the spirit of adventure in all of us while at the same time carrying the standard for being genuine and trusting of ourselves and authentic with others.–Grady Harp, Amazon Top 100 Hall of Fame Reviewer

Fraught with intrigue, danger, humor and of course, the power of love, Quinlan’s book is both a philosophical look at his inner man, and a page-turning adventure as they are shot at, participate in a tribal ritual to wipe a curse from their village, and fall at the hands of betrayal, sabotage, and even attempted murder. (All of this happens over the seven years he and Fiona run their businesses in the South Pacific, while Quinlan still keeps a finger in the corporate world in the U.S)

Quinlan, now an organization development specialist and the owner and CEO of Growth Strategies Global LLC in the United States,uses his 30 years of consulting experience to advise business owners, specializing in family-founded and closely held businesses.

“The world does not count mishaps or misfortunes, no matter how much you contributed,” says Quinlan. “It makes you feel foolish for contributing, for being vulnerable.” And yet being vulnerable is exactly what Quinlan works on with individuals when he consults.

“I find it fascinating to go into their inner sanctum where they can drop their guard and be real with me,” says Quinlan. “Then I can shift it to business practices. What do you want to talk about? Customer relations?”

Once employers and their employees are ready to open up, show their vulnerabilities, and discuss what it is they really want for their company, then Quinlan moves on to the logistical aspects of work. Some of his current clients include:  Harvey Hohauser & Associates; Tarus Products; McClures Pickles and Merlo Constructions.

When asked if he has any regrets about his life’s journey, Quinlan replies, “I’m feeling distinguished. It was worth it. It was well worth it. It has enriched my life and individuated me to a higher degree.”

He is once again thriving, and although he is back at the top of his game, he says he will never be that same shallow man who started off on his motorcycle back after his first fall. His heart has changed, and whether in business or in life, he strives to remain vulnerable.

Tau Bada: The Quest and Memoir of a Vulnerable Man (ISBN 978-1-63413-956-4, 2016), MCP Books, paperback, 333 pages, available at Amazon, Barnes & Nobel and the author’s website: http://www.TauBada.com. View the book trailer here: http://bit.ly/TauBadaBookTrailer.

Excerpts Tau Bada

The “Tau Bada” tale I’m about to share is not simply an achievement or an outcome, or a recipe for the attainment of goals and self-improvement, or even a romantic happy ending. It is about the quiet transitions to real courage and the soul milieu that connects and binds us as mutual occupants of a shared planet.

The ceremony was perfunctory in most respects. But his opening remarks were quite entertaining. “My friends, as we gather here today to see the first white people ever to be married in our village, let us not forget not too long ago we would not be marrying them, we would be eating them,” he said. The congregation said: “Amen.” Fiona and I responded: “Amen.”

Had all of this work and progress been thrown away by one person’s desire for personal gain, and was that possibly condoned by the community at large? … I felt compelled to confront this culture of stealing and demonstrate the morality of transparency.

In all directions, wheat fields are stretching out as far as I can see. This is the “beauty road” attested to by our own Native Americans. I just left South Dakota, riding over a bridge into Wyoming, peering down on the Missouri River. I enter the Standing Rock Indian reservation. On a bluff, I gaze at the road just traveled. I am in sync. My inward man and outward man are one.

Whether it is a PNG sorcerer/chief casting or supporting fear-ridden spells or a Western corporate CEO or politician implementing marketing strategies, the results are similar. Well-constructed cultural fortresses are nearly impossible to penetrate. Leadership’s defensive routines and behaviors are intransigent.

Brusquely, the vehicle veered to the center as an object loudly and forcibly hit the Land Cruiser. Fiona screeched. To our left, five hooded men, three of them armed with what looked like spears, lunged out of the bush and pumped cartridges from rifles at our vehicle.

Fiona is now known as the woman who would not be shot. They are at loss to explain how she could be as powerful and invincible as a man.

The highway behind gives me courage to move into the future. I desire to see the first light of tomorrow.

The quotes below from the book are highly representative.

The cowboy, leaning over his horse, asked the bartender for a six-pack of beer. I turned around and looked up and said, “I would like to buy you and your horse a drink.” He said no thank you … turned around and rode out. … A patron informed me that I had just met the “Zen cowboy.” … With one fluttering upper tooth, he stuttered out a Buddhist koan uttered by the Zen cowboy. He said: “It is what it is. It ain’t what it ain’t. Never say never. Let it go.” … This would stick with me during frequent squalls and a few storms over the course of coming years.

The lure of the future was more powerful than the fear of the present.

To my right was a pretty woman with blonde braids, milky-blue eyes, and a tender and engaging smile that sprang from a soft, beautiful pale face. I liked the strength in her look. … I grabbed her attention. She quickly remarked: “… I’m Fiona Delaney, from Papua New Guinea.” My response was automatic: “Papa what?”

I started my first diary at the age of 10. I don’t think it can ever be completed.

Self-importance and the illusion of invincibility eventually ended my reign as chairman and CEO of a publicly traded company. I failed my organization deeply, hurting employees and shareholders alike. … Truthfully, I evolved into an asshole. Many of my friends disappeared as the king’s castle collapsed. Such insights were mortifyingly obvious.

Fear is viral and has few boundaries. From the Potomac River think tankers to a microdot island village in the Solomon Sea, we are interconnected.

I wanted to enter into the mind of God in order to reach a higher consciousness and a consequent new way of being. Like a wrestling match, this can be a dirty, sweaty and smelly affair; I gained glimpses of my core rot in secret places.

We carried the roasted coffee beans back to the village of Tabuane. The orchestrated villages’ sing-sing would be lifted to a new level of energy by a caffeine buzz never before experienced. They would taste and drink their coffee for the first time since planting began in 1963.

To my right and then quickly to the left, two warriors jumped out from behind the welcome committee, thrusting spears at my feet to signify I was welcomed. Highly stimulated, my response was typical. I almost crapped in my pants. Fiona reassured me by saying, “Everything is fine darling. The closer the spears the more you are hailed.”

The take I am talking about is a legal buyout and corruption of one’s soul. It is an inner larceny I am referring to. Sucking up to power is part of the game. … You become part of the system you were ordained, elected or hired to change.

We never conceived the community where we were helping to build a sustainable business would become jealous enough to erupt…

The emotional healing has been an evolvement where we are feeling almost whole. The financial ruin is still a challenge. … Even more disconcerting was to conjecture that equal love for the most part is a figment of my imagination.

Fear is a powerful conditioner and has little regard for honest conversations with oneself. Fear is the master builder. Until the threshold of pain becomes greater than the fear to change, I remain in a buoyant state.

A sardonic grin materialized in my passenger window reflection. Times had changed since those hard-charging days, and I had paid a steep price. Self-importance and the illusion of invincibility eventually ended my reign as chairman and CEO of a publicly trade company. I failed my organization deeply, hurting employees and shareholders alike. Truthfully, I had evolved into an asshole. Many of my friends disappeared as the king’s castle collapsed. Such insights were now mortifyingly obvious.

Fiona and I must have looked like any typical motorcycling couple, out for a simple pleasure ride, but, unexpectedly, I noticed tears running down my cheeks. I glanced into my left-hand mirror and saw that she was crying too. I realized we were unexplainably connected, and I felt really good…It was magic.

We were holding hands as we walked down the coffee-garden path to our home. I glanced up as a military truck pulled up. At least a dozen uniformed men with automatic rifles piled out. The sudden pandemonium, screams, wailing, and sense of fear were overwhelming. These militant “pigs” took over the village. We were stunned – like an avalanche or tsunami stunned. We were ill prepared for such an event. Survival skills for such a mishap were not a priority.

I did not feel courageous. I felt like crapping my pants. I was, at that moment, empathetically extending myself by not redirecting the truck back down the Kweno Mountain road. The vehicle veered to the left and missed a significant bog. The headlights erratically fell onto the faces of one hundred villagers. Standing in the dark and mist with the stoicism of granite statues, they had been waiting in silence for Fiona and me to arrive. The rain began to fall harder.

A series of out-of-body experiences (OBE) unfolded in the span of two weeks after I landed in Detroit, confirming my insanities.

About John E. Quinlan

John E. Quinlan is the founder and CEO of Growth Strategies Global LLC, an organization development consulting firm that specializes in family-founded and closely held businesses, as well as executive development, organizational change management and strategic planning.

Formerly, Quinlan was Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of a publicly traded financial services holding company. Between 1972 and 1985 he guided this organization from inception to 300 employees and $430 million in assets, and with 28 offices in 14 states.

He’s been a leadership/CEO coach and a management consultant in the United States, and owned a fishing business in the South Pacific. He also owned Java Mama, a Certified Organic & Rainforest Alliance export coffee company in Papua New Guinea where he ran a cross-cultural business with neighboring tribes.

The seven years he spent with the Papua New Guinea business rose from the search for a different kind of life. After the humiliation of losing his publicly traded company in 1985, Quinlan began a motorcycle trek through the United States – a quest for self-discovery that led him to realize that vulnerability and honesty are the foundations for a strong character. Pulling from his experience of the past 40 years, Quinlan has written the book Tau Bada: The Quest and Memoir of a Vulnerable Man. The experiences he writes about are what give him the strategies he uses today that make him so effective as a consultant. Quinlan incorporates a strong behavioral science approach to his work, allowing him to operate from a unique philosophy that has shown proven success across the board.

His consulting experiences include: Former Governor Buddy Rhoemer of Louisiana, F. X. Coughlin Co., Acorn Windows, Cadillac Coffee, McMillan Bros, Industrial Radiant, Inc., Panell Kerr Forster, BDO Siedman, Broad Voght & Conant, Comerica, Vistage, formerly The Executive Committee (TEC) International Display Producers, Gail  & Rice, Cox Hodgeman & Giarmarco, Central Detroit Warehouse, Office Pavilion Inc., Great Lakes Woodworking, Michigan Seat Company, Engineering Services Group, Inc., Detroit Art Services, C.A. Muer Company.

As the lead change consultant working with Detroit Mayor Dennis M. Archer and Freeman Hendrix, Chief of Staff, Mr. Quinlan developed the first Integrated Values Based Change Strategy Plan for the City of Detroit, encompassing 43 departments and 19,000 employees.

John Quinlan holds a BA degree in Economics from Albion College, Albion, Michigan and a Master of Science degree in Organizational Development (MSOD) from the American University, Washington, D.C. where he graduated “with distinction” for his written comps in 1990.

Married to Fiona, he has three stepdaughters and resides in Grosse Pointe, Michigan and Cairns, Australia.

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