#a full face of makeup sets off my autism

[rose-lalondde]

why is starting makeup so hard like i just wanna do the basics omg

[pbandjesse]

It's my birthday!!! Today I am happy and 32!

And today was a very good day.

When I woke up this morning it was pouring. So I had to get up to take James to the museum. Not a huge hardship. But I was tired. I washed my face and put on leggings and rainbows and we headed out.

It was very nasty out. But James gave me birthday kisses. And I got them to work early. And I was home by 8.

I was a little upset when I tripped and fell coming in the building. I scraped the tops of my fingernails on the rock of the foyer. And got a little more rained on. But I got inside and was just happy to be warm again.

I held Sweetp for a minute. And then got back in bed. Where I slept for another hour and a half.

When I woke up I was feeling a lot better. More like a person. James had left a bunch of presents for me but I didn't want to open them yet. Well I did but I didn't want to open them alone. So I would wait.

On the way to dropping James off we stopped at 711 and James got me a donut and a juice. So I wasn't starving. Instead I got all the way dressed. Did my makeup nice. And start to clean the apartment.

I vacuumed and Swiffered and threw away some stuff from the fridge. I moved some stuff around and tried to make it nice. And get ready for Jess to come over.

I made a hotdog as an early lunch. And chilled on the couch with Sweetp until it was time to head over to art with a heart.

I got there a little early. Shocking right? Me early?? And so when I got inside I had to wait a few minutes. But the other girl who was doing onboarding with me was soon there and she was nice. She's going to be an assistant so that's cool.

And it was a lot of fun. I mean it was paperwork and going over their handbook and expectations and procedures. But I really really enjoyed the process. I got to learn a lot. Some things that aren't ideal but are fine and things I can work with. A lot of it was just general contractor stuff. Having to be in charge of my own taxes and things like that. Nothing outrageous.

I was thrilled to find out he is recommending me for the three locations I had as my preferred sites. So if things go well and they are okay with the dates I am unavailable I will be working with 3 different groups, some kids, some adults. The Autism Society of Baltimore, patients with HIV, and a group that works with people with MS. I'm thrilled that I'll be able to work with these populations and really work on expanding my adult and medically and ability diverse experiences and skill set.

It didn't take the full two hours I had set aside today. Instead I finished at 1. And was able to get a lovely message from my mom singing me happy birthday. Made me feel really good inside. The rain had let up a lot and I was just feeling really happy.

Jess let me know she was stuck in some traffic and would be here closer to 2. So I didn't need to rush.

I had a snack in the car and headed home.

When I got back here I curled up on the couch and worked on some calendar stuff until Jess let me know she was here.

I was so happy when she did arrive. She came in her new Subaru and had parked down the street so I didn't see her at first. But I found her soon and helped her carry stuff upstairs.

Sweetp was upset with Jess for some reason. Yelling at her. But it was mostly funny. We chatted for a few minutes. But very soon we were bundling up and heading out again.

I drove us out the Ellicott city. I love that little town. It's so cool looking. Shame it's always flooding or I would maybe consider living there.

I had Jess take a video of me wearing my finished coat. Which I love. I'm so happy with how it came out. And we walked over to the antique depot.

We did really good. I got one of my holy grail pieces today. Which is a candy machine. I was so happy. And we got a set of four mugs and we are going to keep two each. We also each got a set of salt and pepper shakers. She got tomatoes and I got black cats. It was really fun looking around and talking and joking. And it was nice when we were just quiet and enjoying the space. I had a great time.

It was late in the afternoon. And I knew James would be done work soon. So we headed out. And got home soon after James had rolled in.

It was wildly windy at this point. James got all sweaty fighting it home. And our car had been pushed a little. Slightly scary but we were fine.

Once we were all settled I opened presents. Jess got me a cup that I love and a pin and some other great little pieces like some very funny (to me) stickers. A packable hip pack that is a very cool color block. And she made me a card!

James got me a book I really wanted and a customized hair clip. A steering wheel cover that looks like a goose. And some other really thoughtful stuff. I felt very loved and seen.

Once gifts were done we headed down to harbor east to go to the recently reopened James Joyce Irish pub.

It was different but the same. We had some trouble parking but James is a very good parallel parker so we would eventually find somewhere to tuck in. The wind was very very cold so close to the water. But inside the restaurant was very warm.

The menu is smaller and less authentic to what you would think of Irish pub food. But it ended up being absolutely perfect.

Jess got mussels that she shared with James. Me and her also split a Caeser salad. James got a sort of French dip sandwich with horseradish. Jess got a eggsalad and crabmeat sandwich. And I got a black truffle grilled cheese with a spicy tomato soup. We all got fries. And it was so fabulous. I was so happy with our choices. And it was nice just being together with my favorite people.

Once we were done eating we would walk across the street to get ice cream. Jess and James got milkshakes. I got a caramel and banana sundae. And we went home.

Once we got back here we chilled for a bit on the couch. But at 8 we would all head into James's room to watch the last of us. While me and Jess worked on our blankets.

I have seen most of the show through TikTok clips and from watching a playthrough of the game. So I was mostly getting context for the clips and loving finding little details. It is not how Jess watches shows and I think she thinks it's goofy that I absolutely have no interest in being surprised. I want to know all the details going in. Who lives and dies. And that's how I enjoy things. We watched the first two episodes and I love it so far. I have seen almost the entirety of the 3rd episode and I am looking forward to seeing it in one go with context. But I don't know what happens in 4 and 5. Jess says I shouldn't search it out. And I won't because she doesn't want me to. But I hate not knowing! I am looking forward to watching more with my favorite people.

I was suffering a little watching the show though. My cough is really painful and keeps making me gag. But I had my knitting to focus on and I'm all caught up now. Jess's crochet is so huge that her blanket for the same time period as me is more then twice as long. She's going to have to start a new one half way through the year I swear it's so big already. But it looks great. So much yellow! For a crying tracker it is very sunny so far.

Once we finished the show me and James got the couch set up for Jess. And then I got a quick shower. And when I got out James had two more gifts for me! A weighted teddy bear (who we have collectively named the public universal weighted friend) and a bubble wand Swiss army knife! It's so cool. James also made me bubble liquid. I love them so much.

And now the house is quiet. James and Jess are asleep. And soon I will be too. Everyone I love reached out to me and wished me well. And that brings us to the end of another year. My first married birthday, my brother reminded me, and it feels really good.

Here's to another go around. Sleep well everyone. Good night!

[survey--s]

510.

When was the last time you wore a full face of makeup? Probably my wedding day lol. I do wear make-up sometimes but generally there’s no point with what I do for a living.

Do you own an iPad? We have one lying around somewhere but it hasn’t been used for ages - I doubt it can even be upgraded or used properly at this point - it’s a very old one.

Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? Susie. We went out for coffee/ice-cream on Wednesday. What’s the most hours you’ve worked in a week? About 50-60 hours - but it’s never been a regular thing - just to cover really busy periods or staff sickness etc.

Do you believe in karma? No, it’s a nice idea though.

What temperature is your thermostat currently set to? The heating’s been off for about a month - according to the app it’s 16.4 degrees in here though.

What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? Nothing specific is coming to mind right now. Are you a kind, thoughtful person? No, that’s not really how I’d describe myself - IME the people who go out of their way to describe themselves as good people generally aren’t.

Do you know anyone who has a PhD? Yeah, quite a few people.

Who were you dating in July 2010? Or were you single? I think I was with Mike then? Not my husband, an ex with the same name lol.

How do you feel when you’re the center of attention? Uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Would you rather be a nurse or a mechanical engineer? A mechanical engineer.

Do you like Starbucks chai lattes, or do you think they’re too sweet? They’re okay - not my first choice.

Are you and your SO facebook official? Yeah.

Do you know how to set a formal table setting for a 3+ course dinner? I do indeed. Are you in a good mood today? Yeah, it’s Sunday and it’s raining and I don’t need to go anywhere or do anything and it’s VERY relaxing lol. Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Yeah, a girl I grew up with named Amy. Which would bother you more: being told you’re not likable or being told you’re not sensible? Being told I’m not likeable.

Do you have a difficult time relating to other’s emotions? Yes - welcome to live with autism, lol.

How many bedrooms does your house have? Two, but only one is used as a bedroom.

What was the last electronic item you bought? A vacuum cleaner.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No.

When you were 15, what did you want to grow up to be? I think an author or a journalist, or maybe a lawyer?

Did you ever achieve that? Nope - the only one of those careers I’m still interested in now is an author.

Have you ever had a dream in which you died? No.

Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? Yeah, they’re my food weakness lol.

Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? No - I’d be pleased I’d reached an age where I was getting wrinkles. How often do you buy a new phone? Normally at the end of my contract, which is every 2-3 years.

Would you rather live in an apartment in the city, or a cabin in the woods? A cabin in the woods. Do you use Snapchat?  No. Is it even a thing anymore? lol.

Have you ever driven or ridden on a motorcycle? I’ve ridden on the back of one before, yeah.

Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Not anymore, the addiction took over and killed her.

Are any other members of your household home right now? Everyone’s home right now. Mike is upstairs with Layla, I’m downstairs with the dog on one side of me, and Purrlock on the other side - Toby is curled up nearby as well. It’s a rainy Sunday and we’re all feeling very lazy lol. What was your first job? And how long did you work there? Exactly the same thing as I do now lol. I was a dog-sitter - I did it on and off for a couple of years until the dog passed away.

What was your favorite school subject when you were in middle school? History and English.

[mariska]

hey everyone. sorry i’ve been gone for a while. life has been really difficult, more-so than usual and i’ve been struggling to do anything social including posting on most of my social media pages. im hopping on because i need a place to vent and i dont have therapy until next thursday but my moms went up to bed and im trying to fight off a panic attack so if ur bothered by vent posts or whatever i wont take any offense if you scroll past this, i dont really even need anyone to read it i just need a place to vent my thoughts out right now

so things have been really hard for me lately. im still fighting to try an get a diagnosis for being on the autism spectrum (and im trying to find as many reliable sources of information about ‘non-traditional’ autism symptoms as i can so if u happen to have anything saved like that i’d super appreciate it if u sent it my way) and i still havent gotten the full results of my neuro/psych eval yet, but my moms are going to have a private meeting with the woman who tested me on wednesday so im crossing my fingers that goes well. today we decided to go to the local renaissance faire as a family and i found an old dress that i bought at the same faire when i was 10 (that was way too big for me at the time but fits me now) to dress up in and did my makeup and took a shower and was all hopeful about that. it took about two and a half hours to get there because traffic was especially awful today so i was a little stir-crazy from being in the car for so long when we got there but managed to pull myself together. it started off really fun and i was enjoying myself, there were multiple places at the faire that did shows every few mins and i watched some dudes joust and watched another guy who was an expert with whips do cool tricks with that and then happened to stumble upon an acrobatics show, there was like one row of seats (like low to the ground wooden bench type seats) left empty around the area so we sat and watched them. when their show ended i went to leave and one of my moms said we needed to stay in that area because my other mom was getting food for them and a water for me and we would lose her if we left. so we turned around on the bench facing the opposite way of the stage so that we could see her if she walked up. i thought about getting up a few times but kept getting distracted because of my shit adhd brain and also someone asked me to take a pic of their family and i was like ‘ok!’ and did that and then sat back down. so anyways my other mom found us and i was like ‘alright lets get going’ and then they sat back down to eat their food and i was like ok. so we continued sitting the way we were sitting and then like 5 mins later i thought i heard someone talking about us behind me???? like ‘look at them, its the whole row. this never happens anywhere else only in massachusetts’ and i turn around and like two girls are staring directly at me who just walked on the stage i guess???? and i was like ‘oh! i’m sorry, i’m totally oblivious, i didn’t know a new show was starting’ and the one who was talking about me looked at me and was like ‘no its fine its just that its so funny how this only happens here and never when we do shows anywhere else. just think thats weird.’ and then turned away and didnt like....start doing the show they were going to do......just continued to try and drum up an extra audience (and also borrowed some persons apple cider from the audience and drank it? i mean they didnt seem to mind so whatever i guess but. uh?) and like their show hadnt actually even started yet so they were still going to set stuff up. and while they turned away and went to the other side of the stage to continue setting stuff up i scooted closer to one of my moms and told her that i was like kind of mortified and really embarrassed and felt like i did something bad and wrong even though i hadnt meant to and that i felt like i was going to cry. so she removed us from the situation and we walked around for a few minutes and i tried to let it go but i really felt (and still continue to feel to this very minute hours and hours later) like i did something bad and was unintentionally rude and my mom told me that she saw and heard them act like that with the other audience people too and that they had just been trying to joke around with the audience in order to drum up more participation for the show that was coming up and that it seemed like part of how they opened the show, with like, snarky humor or whatever? but then i freaked out more because i hadnt even considered it being a joke? and i still dont get if it was meant to be a joke or not? which is part of why i ended up getting so worked up......i really genuinely thought up until today that i had no problem telling when people are purposefully joking around even if its at my expense because i grew up with a lot of sarcasm (new england is like....Extremely sarcastic all the time) but like......i guess not.......if it was a joke i still dont understand it. anyways i completely was unable to keep it together while we were walking around and tl;dr: burst into tears, became extremely extra flustered and embarrassed that i had burst into tears in a very public environment, managed to wipe my eyes and pull it together enough so that i could properly exit the faire with my moms without anyone asking me why i was sad, then immediately burst into tears again after getting in our car and cried the entire way home.

i just feel so embarrassed and flustered still, as of the time im writing this at almost 10 pm. and i cant stop replaying the scene in my head. and i genuinely dont know if i did something wrong or not or if those girls were just joking and heckling the audience or whatever. i dont understand that concept. i feel a lot of shame. im still trying not to burst into tears at the thought of it. and it makes me feel like i shouldnt even bother trying to do nice things for myself outside of my house because it seems like every time i go somewhere other than the mall i end up misunderstanding a situation with something or someone and end up having a complete emotional breakdown about it for the rest of the day, if not the week. im so frustrated with myself and im so frustrated with the way my brain works and i wish i could just process social interaction the same way as everyone else because the rest of the world seems to think this is not a problem for me!!! for whatever reason! i cant stop thinking about today and every time i think ive forgotten about it the memory replays in my head and i feel my chest seize up and i get a sensation to burst into tears again. even now im scared to post this because im afraid that im just like......taking everything too seriously and i sound unjustified in my reaction which i mean....i guess is true....in a way......i dont know. did i do something bad???? i really feel like i did. and i have no way of resolving this problem if i did. i cant stop overthinking this

[kickasswireup]

I suppose it’s been a while. Day Length

 I am writing this post partially because I told my ex that I updated this blog almost everyday, and I think it’s been a while longer than that. What a dumb idea. I guess that’s why they tell you to wait three weeks before trying to reconnect or be friends or whatever with your ex. 

Today has been rough. Weird day. I installed a time tracker in my browser. Looks like I waste a lot of time. Yeah, I spend more than an hour each day (or at least today) doing productive things like duolingo, khan academy, and youtube (you know), but that is shadowed by numerous other things I do on the internet during the day (today I found a particular subreddit which I quite enjoyed, so I will not count that as “wasted” time) , and by God are days ever long. Days are so full and long. I have set myself up with such a challenge, trying to be satisfied with almost all 15.5 hours in a day. I hate this. Every time I get sucked into trying to improve myself, something comes and sweeps me away and I can get away with ignoring my true self, and often don’t have the energy to continue working on myself. This time, I have my apprenticeship to thank for that. Bleh. At least it’s probably a few months ahead.

I found myself quite angry for seemingly no reason today (that’s depression). I thought about killing myself and dipped into changing that to my family. In those scenarios in my head, I ended up expressing some of my frustrations with my life right now. I have gotten away with being more or less productive and enjoying my time due to my PC build. There is still more to learn, but I don’t want to learn anymore for right now. I’m burnt out. And now that that’s gone, what will I do? Large projects are necessary in your life to fill gaps like this, I believe (if my beliefs, given my age and who I am, hold any value). But they must not absorb you. Autism away. I often have found myself seeking food or other easy stimulus when researching my PC, and I attribute that to boredom. I’m not quite sure what that means though; if it is true boredom or maybe simply a desire to take a break from working on my PC. Writing here feels nice. I still feel lost, but at the same time I feel like I’m finding my own way. Given enough time, experimentation, and money (uh oh), I’ll make it. There will never be an end, but I’ll feel more content than I am now. Always seek to improve but also always be content. Struggle. 

The subreddit that I found today is called “egg_irl” and this “egg” is much like a closet for lgbt people, but specific to trans people (as far as I know). In this subreddit, which is mainly memes, people express their frustration with gender dysphoria, and share brief stories about coming out and cross dressing, struggles with being newly trans, being trans, how much cleaner things would be if there was just a transition button, the time-constraints for younger people (men especially) to transition. It’s good to write this out and think about my previous thoughts and feelings. I was anxious and sad reading these, but they’re still memes so there’s some comedy in there. Okay this is embarrassing future me but like okay I’m going to argue here why I may be in an egg (is that how its called) and why I’m likely not. First, I must declare that this is a question of sexuality and partially societal roles for said sex. 

^Arguments for: I pick girl characters in video games. I like the thought of being a tough girl, and a tomboy. I like women’s clothing. Not sure if I’d wear women’s clothing, although I have tried with leggings and thigh-highs. And once a dress. That was a disaster but I’m not sure it fit me very well. I am rarely embarrassed but wow I am feeling weird writing this. That means it’s serious stuff though. That I care about it. I like makeup.So basically I am for the button tm. I like women too lmao. I would be more comfortable dating someone who is pan/bi I suppose. I’m looking through the subreddit again now and yeah it’s for ideas for this post but I feel attached to the feelings expressed in some of these posts. I can relate. Would be nicer if I wanted to go the other way.

^^is this where arguments against is supposed to go?  My primary reasons for not wanting to be a girl is a loss of strength, difficulty being a lesbian and trans, and the whole wage gap thing and such. I don’t think I would enjoy my appearance either (I don’t think I’d pass at all), and my hair gets greasy really easily. Transitioning sucks.  The biggest turn off to the idea of being trans is the label of trans and the process of transitioning. That’s kind of an argument for. I never really lie awake and think about this stuff, although I don’t think about much at all, ever. Oof. Something that may be holding me back here is just fear. Of everything I have listed prior. God it’d be a hard life. Scared scared scared. Oh god. Wow I can feel my face flushing. Fuck. Fuck! Am I...? Wow. Oh my god. I’m going to sit on this for a while I think. Oh my god. God damnit! All these ideas sound attractive. Fuck! I wish I hadn’t thrown out that makeup. Women’s stuff is so expensive. Okay I feel a little better now. I’ll come back to this later.

At least I’m figuring myself out in one way or another. Okay new post. Wow.

[franklinarteaga-blog]

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