#abt how useless and codependent i am

[sillypilled-friendcel]

i wish financial abuse and forced dependence weren't like. only seen as bad when a spouse does it??? lol.

[jihyocentric]

hi hi hi lumi im here!! i saw the last answer u did for my last ask and ive been meaning to respond but i've just had no time and been a bit stressed so it took me a bit, and im sorry abt that, but im here now!!

nahyo really is just a couple of possessive codependent losers and yknow what i think they're perfect like that. and so does jeongyeon apparently lksjfklsd

no but i can totally see jeongyeon loving what nahyo have but also being nervous to intrude, especially with how her and jihyo started off on the wrong foot but watching nayeon give jihyo her little lesson abt jealousy definitely helps improve it

awwww for nayeon it goes: bff jeongyeon to roommate/crush of my dog jeongyeon to girlfriend #2 jeongyeon that's actually adorable

all the jealousy is def gonna lead to some MAD sexual tension on all sides i think that's perfect

and there we have it that's 3mix yall!!

-🐶 (im really tired rn so sorry if this isnt as extensive as some of my other asks but i promise im seeing them and appreciating them!! <33)

oh things will get steamy between jeonghyo for sure! but right now all i can think about is fluff... and about being busy it's just like i've said before, don't worry about it, take your time and take care of yourself anonie!!

took a bit longer to answer this bc now that i'm free from college i've been resting (and by resting i mean playing too much genshin impact)... yes i am ashamed.

but here's a little jeonghyo thingy in puppy!hyo au 🤍 late thanksgiving hc i guess!

-

jihyo has been trying hard to like jeongyeon.

jeongyeon's loud laugh still scares her, but she was sure she'd get used to it just like she did with nayeon's. jihyo's ears are sensitive, but she still finds it the cutest thing when nayeon laughs loudly, and punches her shoulder, so maybe jihyo could accept jeongyeon being loud that as well. after promising to nayeon, jihyo really started to try and accept jeongyeon as a whole.

the thing is that nayeon was never a nuisance, and jihyo never had to learn how to like her. even when she was still getting used to living with nayeon, jihyo has never felt bothered by nayeon's unique personality, always head over heels for her. sana and momo, nayeon's friends, never scared her either, so jihyo didn't know why jeongyeon triggered her that much. apart from her being jealous of jeongyeon with her owner, that is.

after weeks trying to accept jeongyeon's presence, jihyo would still go after nayeon when her owner had to answer the door. jihyo could sense jeongyeon's presence from afar, and she had to check her scent each time, so that she knew there was no threat and jeongyeon could go inside their home with her approval.

"are you going to do this every time?" jeongyeon asks jokingly, not moving an inch while jihyo reached closer, sniffing her clothes.

jihyo moves away, happy with her little research. jeongyeon still smelled like jeongyeon. nothing different, which meant there were no threats that jihyo could sense or other people's scents in her. jeongyeon's scent was strong and present, one of the best jihyo had ever found in a human. nayeon's was still better, sweet and acidic just the right amount. too bad that jihyo and mina were the only ones with a sense of smell sharp enough to notice those things.

"she likes it." nayeon comments, pointing at jihyo's wagging tail. jihyo quickly tries to prevent her own body from exposing her feelings, but the attempt is useless. "what did you bring for us?"

"pumpkin pie for your sweet puppy," jeongyeon says, charming. jihyo looks at nayeon and pouts. jeongyeon was cheesy and only nayeon could call her puppy. maybe sana too, but it always made jihyo flustered and nayeon didn't like it one bit.

"don't say that. 'puppy'. that's for me only." nayeon pats jeongyeon's shoulder. "let's get inside, sana and momo are here already."

jeongyeon frowns but accepts nayeon's request. jihyo moves to sit on sana's lap, a bit bored after playing with mina and momo the entire evening and not being able to put together the lego figure that was supposed to be formed once all of the pieces were in place.

"hey there, cutie," sana coos at jihyo, allowing the puppy to rest on her lap. jihyo could be clingy, and that's when she was the most adorable. at least that's what sana always thought. unlike mina, who could be very picky at times, jihyo was always up for a good cuddle.

nayeon was setting the dining table by the time jeongyeon came from the kitchen. for jeongyeon's luck, sana gets called by mina to help her and momo with the legos, and jihyo no longer has her warm lap to sit on. instead of waiting for nayeon, jihyo looks at the only lap available, and it happens to be jeongyeon's.

"'m going to sit here." jihyo states rather than asking. jeongyeon is taken aback, but she certainly doesn't refuse jihyo's approach, letting nayeon's puppy sit on her lap. "you're warmer than sana," jihyo mutters, her head falling back against jeongyeon's shoulder, body relaxing.

it is certainly a surprise for nayeon when she goes into the living room and finds jihyo sleeping on her best friend's lap, ears twitching and tail swishing softly, as if she's dreaming. she looks at them fondly for minutes and almost forgets to call them for dinner.

[diodellet]

music chain! list 5 songs that give off this vibe: unhealthy romance

send this to the last 5 people who were active in ur notes (+ anyone you want) with a vibe of your choice (as vague or specific as you want)

ouh now u can't just do that to me oomfie 🤧🤧i have too many unhealthy songs...they litrally inspire everything that i write ouhhhhh vestie how could you /not srs

🌿My Love is Sick by Madds Buckley

(if you listen to the bridge... you can hear "hold me, let me go," no...i'm ok i'm deffo ok... no im not crying UR CRYING ABT A LOVE THAT IS DISGUSTED BY ITSELF DHMU)

You make it better You make it worse You're my killer And my Christ (But I'm the one twisting the knife)

🎹Natalya from Preludes

(i used a line to title one of my jamil hcs but GOD this song is not healthy, "do whatever you need to do to make yourself whole again" and "just do it quick, before i get sick of you. i don't ever want to get sick of you" LIKE STAB ME WITH A KNIFE ITLL HURT LESS)

You are in a hole And so I jump into the hole But I can't get you out

💐Goodbye Ms. Flower Thief by Mer

(i heavily associate this song with oyasumi punpun, i mean... look at this prechorus bit iykyk... sure it gets kinda hopeful near the end but is that the codependency cycle restarting itself? u tell me maen)

Give me love, give me love I want to eat that love up She said "Strangle me with those hands."

🌇Vague Lust Lover by koyori

(the way vflower is tuned here just adds to the emotional anguish of the persona even if its mainly revolving around the ambiguity of articulating your feelings and having them be received "kindly" GOD when kindness feels like a knife, when kindness feels like staring into the sun's glare I AM COMATOSE!!!)

I always end up forgiving you, Infected by a strong, irritating illness "I like you, do I like you?" always saying things like that Even though I've chanted it a thousand times, this magic seems to be useless

🫧Only Sorrow by Yorushika

(so many of yorushika's songs are codependency-coded, if its related to elma and amy or just the "thats why i gave up on music" album then ur in for some pain au chocolat OHHH and the prechorus for this song "always, always, always, always, always / i am only chasing after you" LIKE OWIEEEE MY HEARTTT)

I don't need such a self I don't need anything Money or fame or love or praise, I need none of them Just like this, I want to go somewhere far away

special mention to: these three songs

[aitian]

July 6 2019

3:15 am (saturday?)

it feels like july fourth was just a few hours ago, & june should not have passed yet. i really wish i had someone to love in these moments. it really feels like once again no one really cares for me (in all meanings; im not interesting or tasteful or attractive or desirable or worth understanding/being around). i feel so strange about my body as smth that i do not totally mind being in but also feel mildly disgusted by bc of how other ppl have treated me based upon it. it predicates so much of the violence & suffering that i have internalized. also i am hitting a rock with a few things- i spent all of last night (the night before?) looking up careers & etc things all over the internet & i still have no real dreams relating to working & being a worker- i am more & more uncomfortable with my transness & feeling like i will b disgusting & foolish if i become more feminine but also that i am disgusting & foolish already in how i have always looked & felt- i keep looking at these websites related to queer apa groups & literary things & “opportunities” for someone like me & they just fully do not feel like they are for someone like me bc i feel at the same time too privileged & too lacking to be who they want to support & also that i am simply annoying & burdensome for trying to do anything yet feeling like the work that they do is sometimes annoying & useless anyway so what gives them the pride to deny me & then circling back to these ideas abt money & power that seem antithetical to the stated goals of all of us but totally in line with our actions. it all makes me feel increasingly isolated & resentful that i am unable to change how i feel & live in this moment. it feels like i am back in high school with the part of my brain between my eyes aching yet unable to scream & cry. i know i am different now, but not enough, & not in a way that feels loved. i know that part of my problem is not having a large enough heart to love others first, but when i have not been extended kindness in ways that feel right to me, it is hard to step out & be generous to others who i know deep down will no reciprocate meaningfully. i feel stupid for having these desires that seem totally arbitrary & just make things harder for me (a masculine loving force, being treated as a queer femme by my friends & the respect that comes from knowing i have complex thoughts & emotions, codependency & mutualism in a way that may only be “unhealthy” because of how capitalist dynamics structure our interpersonal relationships) but i cant figure out how to change. i dont want to be uncomfortable & unfulfilled for the rest of my life. on the other hand, i now feel so much shame for wanting these things & pursuing these things in the way that i always have such as studying & licking the toes of elitism bc i understand that this is probably not a channel for me to truly gain comfort but a small part of me (& a huge part of the rest of the world) says yes, it really can be.

A review of june: 

kicked off the month with sherry leaving. we had our philly day trip to eat cheesecake in late may & then our trip to toronto where we met up with grace for a day & then on the last day we hung out until smth crazy like 4am & i sat on the pavement of our driveway & cried as they back up their cars and left. 

the next few days include hanging out w adele, going to hershey to visit alice, & hanging out w adele a little bit more before she left to go on vacation.

around the middle of the month, i did a lot of cooking & eating & sleeping at the correct time & trying to nourish away the emptiness that was slowly creeping in. i was also sewing a shirt with mom that we finished & it looks pretty cute. 

mom & i took many trips. after the weekend at hershey, we went to philadelphia just to eat & hang around, & we went to baltimore at the end of the month (just last weekend). we also went to stone valley/shavers creek & walked around.

around june 20th or so everything started to become a blur. i was/am working on the zine, sleeping at the worst hours, & feeling so empty inside. 

things on the immediate & horizon:

- i bought silkscreen supplies but have not set up a studio situation yet. i am trying to make smth that i am proud of first i guess.

- i am trying to illustrate a zine/comic but i have totally lost steam. i just want it to magically manifest as a finished product because idk how much i still believe in it in this moment of depression & fear it will never come to fruition. part of why i stopped was bc i started feeling like it was shameful to draw these things that i imagine could be a part of a wonderful life because other ppl could look at it & think abt how foolish & disgusting & simple i am.

- em shared these two articles which are rly fucking with me. i guess its comforting that they describe ugliness as smth that shouldnt be treated badly but they also do not have conclusions abt how to not treat ugliness as undesirability which fucks with me. its this strange rhetoric that undesirable people should be valued but maybe still remain undesirable? while acknowledging that value & desirability r unfortunately but definitely related. the more i think abt it the less sense it makes. esp bc i am struggling so much with feeling wholly & totally undesirable. i sent a msg to em today abt it bc they asked me how i am doing & i think it was too much bc they just liked it & didnt reply. 

https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/moving-toward-the-ugly-a-politic-beyond-desirability/

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/how-to-be-fat-caleb-luna-sub/

- im supposed to have my wisdom teeth removed at the end of august & im pretty scared tbh. i have never had surgery, & there are multiple parts that are intimidating to me. i fear being totally not in control of my body being cut up & gouged & not having the choice rly to object because waiting can only make it worse, i fear the physical stabbing & poking & bleeding, i fear the recovery & the pain & indignity, & i also fear the part abt losing consciousness. i dont know what part of my anxiety keeps telling me that its the same as dying, that losing myself to a strange limbo is terrifying, & that framework even makes me suddenly afraid of sleep. on top of that, i am afraid of what i will say & do as i am coming back into consciousness because i think my base thoughts & emotions are not things that i would want mom to hear. 

- i am relearning dr. gradus & here is a section that i played today. ngl i practiced just these measures for the video but also i am rly beginning to string the piece together.

[queensofmystery]

Re: this post

#because you already do all that with someone else #back when he made all the ‘you’re not meant for a normal relationship’ to Joan I started hoping against hope #that it would lead to them developing a platonic romance where maybe they would seek sexual relationships with other people #but emotionally they would fullfil each other’s romantic needs #and now it seems like they’re actually doing that #sort of #like Sherlock is a 100% up for it but Joan isn’t #(also we all know tptb wouldn’t really do it) #and it pains me cause it would be so great (via @margoleon)

Gloria. Gloria write it. You know what, me, you, @disheveledcurls, we’re all thinking variations of the same thing - polyamorous Joanlock. Queer platonic, aromantic, asexual, a combination or none of those things, polyamory is a thing with these two, I just know it is. And they’re soulmates in every way who understand each other more than anyone else in their lives and we’re gonna write it I don’t even care.

Also I could go off on a Watsonian rant on why Joan feels differently than Sherlock, but that ties into the whole jealous!Sherlock thing that I still haven’t been able to organize my thoughts on, so for now I’ll just say: The emotional angst and repression between these two is the most infuriating wonderful thing to ever grace the small screen IMHO and I am a disaster

disheveledcurls:

god, yes to all that. i can’t stop thinking abt where they’re going w/ this and i don’t want to hope but they’ve written themselves into a little bit of a corner here… i mean i’ll write the fic anyway but if they actually do anything that points to them becoming a “”“couple”“”“ (i’m using that term instead of referring to the concept of romance bc u know i think that word is useless for these two) in a polyamorous/asexual/aromantic way i’m going to cry actual tears of joy, ok. like –to be very cortesian abt it–, they’re already right on that edge, or at least i think LL and JLM are playing it that way. for sherlock to admit that he values his work mostly because of joan and then right after insist that he is what he does, is at the very least a strong indicator that his feelings for her are veering towards sth unclassifiable which doesn’t exactly fit in the category of friendship they already have. (and maybe it’s codependency and maybe it’s not but either way they need to talk abt it.) we don’t know what joan feels bc the writers give us nothing (which never ceases to be infuriating) but if i were her i’d be at least apprehensive abt starting a relationship if my last boyfriend died because of me and my best friend’s ex happens to be a psychopath. so idk!! realistically*, i guess by the end of the season we could be looking at a relationship that will be coded as "romantic” (i.e. w/ sherlock and joan as a “couple”, not dating other people or looking for a “romantic” partner elsewhere) and asexual/platonic (with the implication that either or both of them could be looking for occasional sexual partners elsewhere). i don’t dare hope for more. but i guess they could give us this much if it were left on the subtextual level. clearly, they’re not brave enough to come out and openly give us an asexual/aromantic interracial couple. (and particularly this couple, since they’re so //adamant// on respecting the canon all of a sudden. #yourracismisshowing) but even if it’s implied, even if it’s subtext, it will be important and i will embrace it.

if they were good writers –paging the people who wrote s1 please, wherever they are– this would naturally tie into the question of the growing rift between sherlock and joan abt their professional lives, as posed by 5.04 (and 5.01 of course), bc clearly for them the personal and professional are impossibly intertwined. if they were good writers, this would lead to a) an unearthing of the pain joan has been delaing w/ (or rather, burying and denying) for years, with sherlock stepping the f*ck up to help her address it as she has done for him in the past, b) an open discussion of their careers and a renegotiation of their partnership so that it’s fulfilling and right for both of them (it has to be their world not just his), which could possibly involve joan going back to medicine in some shape or form in addition to her detective work, and c) a renegotiation of their partnership on a personal level, i.e., can they take it any further in any direction, and if so, how? or if not, are they happy with how they stand & satisfied w/ what they can give each other? i don’t trust these writers anymore, but at the very least some of this should come up throughout the season.

ange – i wanna read that rant. please write it. gloria, u keep on ranting too & write the fic. i’ll write my fic as well someday (i’m so slow i hate itttt).

*though also “realistically” they could literally give us the world bc these two love each other so much you could come back from a midseason hiatus telling me they got married for Reasons TM and i’d be down w/ it. again, they’re not gonna give us much, but they oughta give us something, especially if this  turns out to be their last season.

@disheveledcurls "If i were her i’d be at least apprehensive abt starting a relationship if my last boyfriend died because of me and my best friend’s ex happens to be a psychopath.”

Rocío I’m so glad you said this, because yes I’ve considered how Joan’s traumas affect her complete lack of a dating life but /of course/ they would also affect any consideration of her deepening her relationship with Sherlock in any emotional capacity. I wonder if she’s even considered it consciously or if she’s buried that want along with the pain of her traumas so she can’t even properly recognize that’s something she would want.

Like, I just feel for Joan so much. I have to write with her because there’s so much she deserves that she hasn’t gotten. So much that I’m sure this fandom has already written the equivalent of several novels because her character needs and deserves that much consideration. As a writer and just, as a person who’s been through my own versions of loss, I want so much for Joan.

And like you I’ll write my own version of this amazing relationship regardless, but if this show even /comes close/ to implying that these two have more than a damn working relationship or a simple friendship, I will have some feeling of fulfillment. It will be small, but it’ll be something. Also #yourracismisshowing LMAO I agree sooo much but you knew that