#act of service love language type right there. within the first few days they met too.

[mobtism]

ohh gay people... langa really did fall for reki in that first episode huh

[sunqyu]

Treasure’s Hamada Asahi as your boyfriend

- Hyunsuk - Jihoon - Yoshi - Junkyu - Mashiho - Jaehyuk - Asahi - Yedam - Doyoung - Haruto - Jeongwoo - Junghwan

Request: “ Asahi as a boyfriend please? “ - anon

I’ll be doing this for each member, starting with our robot. I hope you like it. I did it in bulletpoint-style but let me know if there’s anything you wanted differently! - Nova

the most amazing connection

he wasn’t planning on falling in love

let alone get into a relationship

so how did you manage to change that?

he still asks you if you secretly hypnotized him sometimes

because he is WHIPPED

it is rare for him to get flustered

his quietness can be mistaken for shyness but he’s actually pretty confident

until you made him stumble over his own thoughts

and you’d think that would go away after a few months

but no

it’s most obvious when you compliment him

he gets that little smile while looking to the side

‘Ohhh-’ is the only thing he manages to say at first

the thank you following a few seconds later

he’s started wearing buckethats to hide how red his ears get

he doesn’t express his love through words or physical affection

even though he does enjoy cuddling while talking he rarely initiates it

instead, his main love languages are ‘quality time’ and ‘acts of service’

both are expressed very subtly so it might take a while before you realize how much he actually loves you

a few months in you start noticing all the little things he does

whenever you come over everything you’ve ever mentioned you like to eat will be in the fridge

his room is always really neat and cozy and he has a special setting for the color of his lights for when you’re there

and dates outside are always planned in detail

ever since you two started dating he turned on the sound on his phone for notifications

hasn’t said anything in the members’ groupchat for over five months

replies to you within 10 seconds of seeing the notification

he doesn’t even mind calling you

the sound of your voice is way stronger than his annoyance to phonecalls

like I said the most important thing between you two is the amazing connection

he feels genuinely understood by you

and another way he tries to make you feel loved is by opening up

the conversations are soft but endless

it feels like he just gets lost in thought

except this time it’s out loud and he can share it with someone else

you’ve actually made him open up to others a liiiittle more too

just because he understands the value of getting close to someone now

your dates consist mostly of staying in, being in nature or doing things together that he’d usually do by himself

like the time he needed a new passportphoto and wanted you there

or when he goes to get new equipment

his favorites are still the dates where you stay inside though

all the memories you have in that same space

everytime he wakes up it means a little more

and it might sounds cliché but you’re also his inspiration for music

but not in the love-songs about you type of way

it’s more in the beats and instrumentals

one song inspired by the way your laugh sounds when you don’t hold it back

another inspired by how you looked in your raincoat with the sound of the autumn leaves being blown around you by the wind

another by how you hum in your sleep whenever you’ve had caffeine too late

and ofcourse the one inspired by the way your eyes light up whenever he tells you he loves you

truly a great one

even though he doesn’t mainly show his love through affection

he still always lets you know he’s there

fumbling with your fingers in his

tucking your hair behind your ear

giving you a kiss on the cheek whenever he gets up to do something

even if it’s just grabbing the remote

they’ve all become habits

but kisses are still just as special as the first one

no matter how often you kiss and how bold he gets with them

his heart still jumps the exact same way

when you cuddle he likes to be able to see your face

so it’s usually facing each other with your legs intertwined

or your head on his chest as he writes words on your back with his fingertips

his favorite is when you sit sideways on his lap, leaning against him

you’ve actually spend hours upon hours just like that

often waking up in the morning in the same position

you fell asleep while he was humming along to the soundtrack of the Lord Of The Rings movie you had been watching together

and hell to the no that he was going to wake you up to change positions

you looked too peaceful

taking your stress away is one of his specialties

without him really realizing

you could’ve had the worst freaking day and 5 minutes of listening to him speak would easy your mind

he brings out a feeling of security in you

so you never worry or feel jealous

he’s always very clear and you never have any doubts in his honesty

he also doesn’t get jealous that quickly

and when he does it never turns into a big deal

he feels that security just as much

which is why he never doubted your relationship either

eventhough it came unexpected and he wasn’t planning on it

it felt like the right thing from the moment you first met 

and he’s not planning on letting that feeling go

[jungwnn]

Hiiiii😚 i wanna request for a ship with txt, enhypen and bts, thank you soo much for taking the time to do this!☺ I hope you have a good day, stay healthy and take care for yourself🤗

INFP-T | enneagram type 4 | sun: Sagittarius, moon: Cancer | Hate studying anything except English | Competitive when it comes to things I love and am passionate about | Like creative writing and interior designing(basically architecture) | Novels over movies | Even if i watch movies its either action or angst-drama, and always like the evil characters more than the good ones because I'm able to sort of understand why they do what they do, I believe everything has a reason, and every action is a result of something | I also believe in soulmates, love at first sight and all sorts of tropes like these | Obsessed with Greek and Roman mythology and ancient Egypt and just in general medieval eras | Love taking polaroid pictures and traveling | Aesthetic all the way, love being in the nature | I love fairylights and abstract paintings and night walks and stargazing | Love sad things | I'm sensitive to smell and don't like artificial scents | I like going to libraries and museums and cathedrals and old medieval buildings, beaches also and other nature aesthetic places | Always observing little details about everything that other people fail to notice | Easily scared or startled | Have huge trust issues and very sensitive | Have very few friends and am loyal before anything | I'm moved by little things and don't really like much of fancy dates, I like it simple and my favorite would be walk along the beach at night | Am very open-minded and wise but no one's really aware of that | Like disturbing people and then giving puppy eyes | Shy at first but when you get close with me I'm very loud, talkative, playful and annoyingly funny and weird | Just realized it yesterday that i tend to 'huh' a Lot | Clingy with people I am very close to(might even jump and koala hug them tbh) | Everyone's comfort pillar | Very expressive with words and actions | CLUMSY(I hit or bump into something at least once a day) | Love eating (taking advantage of my never getting fat genes lol) but am sort of quite picky | 5'2 - 157cm and I like tall people but I have no problem connecting with people on the shorter side of the height spectrum | Baby voice and baby face | side bangs and dark brown short almost straight hair which reaches just 4cms above the shoulders | Big chocolate brown eyes | Have slightly honey tanned skin | I'm a crybaby too, like if someone I love or care a lot about is getting scolded for whatever reason or they are sad or something then I tend to cry immediately. And while watching or reading sad things too | I do random sounds or actions too and I noticed recently I go 'huh' and 'uh' all the time | sometimes I don't even understand myself like a few days back I was wearing a black sock on my left foot and a white one on my right and then i forgot that i wore mismatched socks so when I noticed it after a while I got fascinated for literally no reason then within seconds i forgot about it again and then when it came to my notice again i got fascinated again and this went on the whole day lmao | My fashion style leans towards boho chic/bohemian and casual | And prefer bare face over makeup and converse over other footwear and dusk(sunset) over dawn(sunrise) but in the album I like dawn ver more🤭 | I love spicy and sour food and have a high tolerance of spice | And my love languages are acts of service>physical touch>quality time>words of affirmation.

YOU SOUND SO INTERESTING AND COOL LETS BE FRIENDS 🙄✋

in txt i ship you with!! Beomgyu !!

pls I can already already see yall fighting over movie chararters😭 I just get the vibe y’all met in a really weird way like he was reaching over to grab a random ass toy and you were too and bam!!! Talking, numbers exchanged. He instantly fell in love with you dude. Like gyu isn’t one to simp but your the exception here. Like dude had a big smile when you responded to his text message. Will he ever tell you that he would bounce up like a puppy whenever he got even a notification hoping it was you?? No. Never. That never happened I swear. There was a time where kai texted and was like “hey soobin said practice in an hour” and gyu straight out texted back “idiot shush I’m waiting” and Kai was just like ??? “...ur weird” basically gyu is literally in love with you from the beginning like it’s insane. That doesn’t stop him from teasing you though. Dude you better stay on high alert this dude is constantly pranking you. They are all harmless but if he ever did hurt you or do something wrong. He will instantly hug you and literally apologize all day and shower you in love. Just finding comfort in each other!! Like he is always there to listen to you talk about anything and just comfort you, He also trust you enough to share his issues! He loves to call you idiot all the time but he says it in the sweetest way or just to tease. He also loves to carry you, it makes him feel super tall ( esp when moas be calling him tiny 😭) also sleepy gyu!! Clingy!!! Let’s say y’all went on a date just a quick ice cream and a walk around the park right, He would look at you and be like “your so pretty~” then you look up and be like “huh? What did you say?” And he would just pull you closer to his side and be like “nothing idiot~” in the same cheeky sweet tone. Then later on that day y’all would just to hang out on the couch cuddled up. He was obviously tired since he was yawning every five seconds. He pulled you against his chest and just started mumbling about how happy he was to have you!! But that’s for your ears only!!

Your overall relationship would consist of:

☼lots and lots screaming like dude is loud but he is expressing his love so it’s okay!

☼movie marathons!!

☼pls don’t use puppy eyes on him he’ll cry at how cute you are

☼let him kiss your forehead and your head he wants to be tall

☼he makes u meals but sometimes they burnt 😣

☼brags abt you all the time like I’m pretty sure taehyun knows your favorite food and your birthday by how much gyu talks

☼he loves listening to you talk abt your interest and fascinations !!

so for Enhypen I ship you with !! Mr.Jake sim!

I just know this boy loves you for your witts bro, like.. how can you be so smart, interesting and pretty at the same time?? Like you completely captured this boys heart!! He loves hearing you talk about Roman and Greek mythology and ancient Egypt!! He thinks it’s honestly so amazing to listen to you speak about your interest🥺 He has this thing, where like whenever you do something cute or he just looks at your face he just walks over and squishes your cheeks. He loves loves loves showing physical affection! He WANTS you to know that you are the light of his life and you make him so so happy!! He talks abt Layla to you all the time and even called you her mom like WOAH. Speaking of mom, Jake gives me the vibe he talks to his parents about you!! Like mans is so serious abt you he just adores you!! Dude is so worried about you when you bump into things, like let’s say you accidentally hit a wall. He will be by your side in a second telling you to be more careful them kissing your forehead. He calls you princess 🧍(HAVE U SEEN THAT ONE FAN CALL BYE) he also treats you like a princess as he should. I have a feeling when he can’t see you in person he calls you and y’all will fall asleep on call. like he would be all sleepy and be like “i miss you :(“ and just talk about your guys day and it would be so sweet!! I’m sure you get the idea !! He’s in L word with you hardcore!!

Your overall relationship would consist of!!

☼he always buys snacks for you because he wants his baby to eat well

☼he is a romantic he loves taking walks on the beach with u!! (And Layla)

☼always compliments your eyes !!

☼always gets you flowers or lil things that remind him of you !

☼he has you as his wallpaper!

☼if y’all go see scary movies together he will most definitely try to act tough and protect you but he fails and hides his face in your neck

☼CHEEK KISSES!!!

for bts I ship you with !! Kim taehyung himself !!

okay okay!! I feel like taehyung loves your mind, he loves hearing your side of things and just loves everything about the way you think! He truly thinks your a piece of art !! like homeboy just loves spending time with you and just talking. He is a hopeless romantic like he loves taking you out to dates that mean a lot to both of you! He takes you to art museums and beaches and takes so many pictures of you!! he has a whole folder dedicated to you!! He also loves hanging out with you and your guys friends!! He just wants everyone to know he’s with you forever and ever!! He is the kinda dude to rest his elbow on your head like deadass just to tease you. He takes you to his hometown often because like I said he wants a future with you!! Expect a lot of snacks from his mom because she adores how happy you make him and he is just!! ugh you lucky lucky girl!! He likes to travel with you, like he can be so unpredictable!! dude will sit there and go “for dinner can we get pizza? Also I got us a trip to Paris for my week off” LIKE OKAY WE GET IT YOUR RICH!! But good for you I guess🙄 also matching outfits. He’s buying you a matching beret and your gna wear for that boxy smile idc. He looked at your matching socks and instantly wanted to try and now he claims it’s the coolest shit ever like Yoongi is always like “why tf?? You bought these in pairs?” Like mind your business Yoongi. His baby does it so he wants to do it too !!🙄✋

overall relationship!!

☼kisses on the lips all the time

☼plane ride cuddles

☼ur boyfriend is your professional photographer

☼pls tell him he’s a good boyfriend he just wants to make you happy

☼always talks to you abt the future <3

☼no joke he has y’all’s kids names planned

☼fun fact.. he bought you a promise ring 😣

a/n aaa!! I hope you like it!! I’m so sorry for the wait!!

[thecursedhellblazer]

BASICS.

full name.  John Constantine pronunciation.  Con-stan-TINE (comics) / Con-stan-TEEN ( TV adaptations) nickname(s). Hellblazer, ConJob, The Laughing Magician, The World’s Greatest Con Man, El Diablo, Johnny boy (& all the possible variation of the latter) gender. Male height.   5′11″ age.  35-40 years old (verse dependent) zodiac.  Taurus spoken languages. English, some Spanish, some German, some Italian, Latin, Sanskrit, Egyptian language, Ancient Greek, Old Persian, some Enochian.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair color. Dirty blond eye color. Blue (comics) / Brown (TV show) [I tend to go for the blue ones] skin tone.  Fair. body type.  Built. accent.  Heavy British accent (from the area of Liverpool specifically) voice. Often hoarse, the kind of voice you expect from a chain smoker. It goes from being really expressive to emotionless and cold, when he wants it to be. Also, accent. dominant hand.  Ambidextrous posture.  Mostly slouched, with shoulders falling slightly inwards. scars. Plenty. John’s body is littered with scars, both gained during his sparring with the hellish and the supernatural and self-inflicted (for spells, for the most, but not always). He has some marks gained in more “normal” circumstances, like bar/street fights or accidents. Some are light enough that will most likely disappear given the right time, but other are so deep and large that will remain as permanent mementos of the events that have firstly carved them on his skin. tattoos.  Several, spread all over his body (arms, chest, back, some of his legs too). They are almost (if not) all seals and symbols used in spells, protections, or at least have a magical meaning. birthmarks.  None most noticeable feature(s). The first things people tend to notice about him is how he dresses. His appearance is always messy. Clothes in a general state of disarray, mostly creased. Shirt half untucked and with the top buttons always popped open, tie never properly tied, dirty trench coat, cigarette tucked over his ear or somewhere else. However, the physical details tend to be quickly forgotten as soon as he opens his mouth and his flamboyant, pushy attitude comes out.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth. Liverpool, England hometown. Liverpool, England first words. Either some random curse or ‘killer’, since that’s how his father has always addressed him. siblings. One stillborn twin, older sister (Cheryl) parents. Thomas Constantine (deceased) and Mary Anne Constantine (née Quinn, deceased) parental involvement. His mother died of childbirth, so he never met him. As for his father, he blamed Mary Anne’s death on John and quickly became an alcoholist and an abuser, towards both his children, even if John took most of it.

ADULT LIFE.

occupation. Occult detective, Exorcist, Demonologist, Master of the Dark Arts, Magician, Conman, Gambler. Member of the Legends (verse dependant)   close friends / family. Chas Chandler. All the other people in John’s life come and go without ever truly staying. In LoT verse, the members of the crew. relationship status. Single / verse dependant. financial status. Depends on how much he has got out of others’ pockets through gambling, for the most. He manages, in general. driver’s license.  Never got one. He still knows how to drive, even if he prefers not to. criminal record.   John has ended up in prison several times, mostly for trespassing, stalking, violation of private properties, theft, possession of illegal substances/weapons, disturbing the peace, and so on. None of the accusations ever stuck, because he always found a way to get himself out of them (or someone to pay the bail for him). He has been accused of murder a few times too, but has never been condemned for it. Of course his earthly record pales compared to his “magical” one and to what Hell and a lot of demons consider him responsible for. He is fated to end up in the Pit for more than one reason.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song. “Endless War” by Within Temptation or “Whisper” by Evanescence hobbies to pass time. John’s hobbies often connected to his chosen profession. He spends plenty of time researching the Occult or learning, creating and testing new spells. Aside from that, drinking can be considered a consistent part of his routine and he goes to clubs (when he is feeling like being among people), to drink and flirt (whether for fun or to find someone he can take home…or to any available place that can assure the necessary privacy for a sexual encounter). He also practises yoga and meditation with regularity. mental illnesses.   PTSD, Persistent Depressive Disorder, Guilt complex, Alcohol Use Disorder, Sleep Disorder of Arousal (Sleep Terrors), Tobacco Use Disorder. physical illnesses. Does being destined to develop lung cancer counts? left or right-brained.  Right-brained (mostly) self-confidence level.  Very confident of his abilities and knowledge, sometimes far too much, which leads him to make mistakes and miscalculate risks and dangers. All in all, however, he is conscious of his level of expertise and knows how to use it at the best of his capability. Things changes when it comes to be confident in himself as a person. With trauma and past mistakes he can’t forgive to himself, he mostly thinks of himself as worthless of anything good. His vision of the world and of himself is marked with a strong pessimism, which leads him to constantly see only the shadows, only the half empty glass, to constantly expect for the other shoe to drop. As much as he is trying to get himself out of Hell’s clutches, deep down he almost hopes that he will eventually fail, because he deserves an eternity of the worst torments and more.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation. Pansexual. romantic orientation. Demiromantic. preferred emotional role.  submissive | dominant | switch preferred sexual role.  submissive | dominant | switch libido.  Fluctuating. At times he’s literally screw everything that moves (within certain limits) because it’s just another unhealthy coping mechanism, like drinking, and others he just isn’t in the mood, no matter who might threw themselves at him. turn on’s. Heated make out sessions, sharp humour, sarcasm, biting / scratching, quickness of mind, bantering, creative thinking, shows of power / strength (done without boasting), fighting (only with specific people). turn off’s. Know-it-all attitude, dull / boring / pushy / clingy / controlling people, discussing long-term relationships, too many questions about his past, anything connected to religion (God and Heaven in particular), lack of humour. love language. Acts of Service, Quality Time relationship tendencies. Getting attached is often not an option for John. When it comes to sex and romance, he more often goes for casual, because it’s safer and less complicated, and he isn’t one to fall fast for people. Most of his past relationships, especially the long-term ones, ended up badly. John’s lifestyle and choices more often than not make it impossible to stay that close to him. And he doesn’t make it any easier, as persuaded as he is that the relationship is doomed from the start. At times, however, it’s hard for him to push people away, both because, at the end of the day, he does need someone by his side, and because he ends up running into people who are quite stubborn when it comes to stick around him.

tagged by: @imthebatman tagging: (idk who likes to do super ass long memes, so don’t feel obliged to do it even if I tagged you! For multi-muses, feel free to pick whatever muse inspires you the most since this is a lot!) @perfectedingbadideas @exanxmo @theclownprnc @areswriites @protectxthem @mythsxndlegends @dwarfstaralloy​ @angelluxi​ @smoakinn​ - & anyone who wants to steal this !

[rilenerocks]

I have a beloved friend named Julie. I’ve been lucky enough to have kept her in my life for about 50 years. We met in college. We were part of the revolutionary days of the late ‘60’s and early 70’s. We were anti-war, pro-women’s and civil rights and profoundly anti-establishment and anti-patriarchy. Julie was a warrior-poet. Erudite, well-read, sardonic and bitingly funny, she was my kind of person. She had the courage to head a slate of candidates who were running for office as an alternative student government, with Julie as the chair. Everyone won but her. A more moderate male was elected to the spot which should rightfully have been hers. Hard times for women back then, despite some progress. Still hard times. I knew Julie before she married her husband Rich as she knew me before I married Michael. Today that seems almost as if we were friends in prehistoric times.

She was a few years older than me. I can’t find a couple of excellent photos of her from back in those days but I include a few blurry ones. She was very spirited and beautiful, along with all her intellectual firepower. Julie was a “townie,” born in the community where we both attended college. When she got involved with Rich who was a graduate student, she got a job and stayed in town while he was finishing his degree. They had a daughter who is few years older than mine.

When many of our friends made the post-graduation exodus to Chicago, we still had each other and I felt lucky that our two daughters, a few years apart in age, played in the same houses together. Eventually, Rich got a job at a college in Kentucky and they packed up and moved away. We wrote, frequently at first, and then less so. But it didn’t really matter. When we got together, we had one of those easy relationships that picked up where it left off, without any difficult transitions.

Eventually, they moved to Ames, Iowa where they still reside. They came back her to Julie’s hometown for visits. Eventually her dad died which was a big deal because he was a department head at the University. I remember going to the memorial service for him which was crowded and blurry because of all the attendees. But I was there. As years went by, Julie’s mom ultimately needed living assistance and Julie mover her to Ames. Visits home decreased. Still we managed to stay in touch.

About 19 years ago, breast cancer showed up in Julie’s life at a pretty early age. It was one of the particularly nasty types, the Her-2 positive and she was blasted with treatment. She clawed her way through all of that and came out on the other side for which everyone was deeply grateful. But about three years ago, cancer reappeared in her liver, the same breast cancer as the earlier one with a slightly different mutation. How incredible that a cancer can lie dormant for almost seventeen years and then re-emerge in a new place and be so life-threatening. By that time, Michael had succumbed to his cancer and I was a free agent. Cancer can be such an isolating experience, I’d vowed to myself that I would make myself available to loved ones and friends who were going through treatments and hard times.

So I took off for Ames in fall of 2017 to spend some time with my old friends and give support and empathy in their difficult situation. We had a wonderful visit and although we were uncertain about how effective the treatments would be, I hoped that I’d see Julie again. And that’s exactly what happened. She outlived her prognosis and actually did well enough to make a visit back here last year.

Other dear friends from Chicago joined us and we all were thrilled and hopeful that she would be one of those who’d beat the odds. She had such a good time that she talked about the possibility of moving back here and reestablishing a life in the town of her childhood. We continued to communicate and all seemed well. But suddenly things took a dark turn – the liver cancer metastasized and spread to her colon. An exploratory surgery unearthed too many bad spots and the only alternative was a “light” chemo, as if anything that toxic could actually be termed light. Her response was dreadful with her immune system getting hammered and making her vulnerable to virtually any opportunistic germ. Slowly she recovered from that.

During the US Open, she and and Rich and I spoke before my personal favorite, Roger Federer’s match on a Tuesday evening. We were all pretty lighthearted. But the next day, Julie was having dreadful abdominal pain and was hospitalized. After scans and other tests, the doctors concluded that she had an intestinal obstruction which in the case of someone with her disease, was considered a death sentence. On September 7th, Rich sent out a note to family and friends saying that Julie had days to weeks to live and was being transferred to a hospice facility. He told people that if we wanted to plan a goodbye we were welcome to do that and transmitted a message from Julie expressing her gratitude for all the love she’d felt from all of us who’d been part of her life.

I sat stunned in my living room, not knowing what I should do. My knee replacement surgery was dull pretty recent and an hours long car ride with my leg bent seemed like a terrible idea. So I decided to send Rich a note with the request that he read it to Julie who was being treated for pain and being fed through nasogastric tubing. I wrote this on September 7th, the same day I got this dreadful news.

My dearest Julie

I have lain beside you in beds and on couches since we were so very young, when we were vulnerable and pained, and when we were angry and valiant, and  so “in your face,” assholes of the world. So I lay beside you now, in some ethereal form which should be wordless in reality, but is not in the case of you and me. I remember.

Hours of talking and sorting and handholding. Speaking of love and sadness and mysteries of this difficult world. Gales of laughter through the worst of times. The gifts of our language which we acquired on the journey of this life ring in my head. Julie the poet. I could listen to you for hours and you listened to me, a master of graffiti, as we found the right word that would resonate for whatever was the urgency of the moment.

I have not left you and you will not leave me. Whatever are the crevices that our bodies hold for those who come along and somehow wriggle into the fabric of our person is the place I am in you and the place you are in me. Even when we are converted to ash or dust, that space for each other was settled long ago. I wish you release from every type of pain. You’ve suffered better life’s challenges because your will came from a place of love. For as long as I am a corporeal being I will lift your banner and try to ease the pain of your dearest family. I treasure what we’ve been able to share in recent years, an affirmation of what is unbreakable and forever. I love you, Julie, for now and always. Thank you for being a gift in my life.

Renee

I thought this would be the last communication between me and my old friend and I was terribly sad. But as days went by, there were changes happening with Julie. She decided she wanted her feeding tube removed as it was interfering with her ability to feel close to people. That happened, and eventually, she progressed from a tiny amount of liquids to more solid food with no significant adverse effects. After days in hospice went by, she was able to have her IV pain meds replaced with other forms of delivery and got strong enough to get around without her walker. By September 23rd, Rich informed us that Julie was going into hospice at home where she could look at her own trees through her windows and have the comforts of her own space as she walks down the narrower road to end of life.

People were invited to visit and on September 26th, I felt good enough to climb in the car for a seven hour drive to see my friend. That was a longer trip than I expected due to construction and traffic and I worried that Julie might be too tired to relate to me. And sure enough, within about 45 minutes of my arrival, her eyes were closing. So I thought I would give her what I could in silence and darkness. I must have a peculiar pheromone, one that my family calls my special sleep “juju” that acts like a sedative on most people. I climbed in Julie’s bed and she put her pillows in my lap, snuggled under a blanket and allowed me to gently massage her until she passed out. And I sat there for about three hours sending my quiet love and empathy to her as she rested.

The next day she felt pretty well and between appointments with hospice people and her daughter coming over, we chatted and talked about everyday life, old memories, death, cancer and everything in between. I slipped out for awhile to have lunch on my own and give Rich and Julie some downtime and quiet space. I also wanted to find some sweets and fruit that the nurses were recommending for extra calories to provide strength. A lovely cafe with a bakery helped me feed myself and bring in treats that I hoped Julie would enjoy. We stayed up later last night, squeezing as much time in as we could get but everyone feared that the full time company could prove too exhausting and that she might totally crash today. But she felt better than she’d anticipated and we talked some more about the big ideas of life with a few light notes tossed in for fun.

But then it was time to leave as I had a long drive ahead of me and Julie had the aspects of hospice that include visits. Time is a valuable commodity. So we had what might have been our final embrace. Julie is fragile but wept with strength while I held on to myself as I learned to do by all the practice I had in grieving Michael during his day by day decline. I have no idea how long Julie will stay alive or if I’ll have the chance to see her again. This time of my life, as is true for all of us who are aging, will be filled with losses. I feel as if chunks of my history are being carved out of the tapestry that winds out behind me. Of course I have the peculiar combined pain and gift of memory which I hope I retain as long as I’m alive. There’s doesn’t seem much point in being around if you know nothing of yourself. But for now, I hope that visiting Julie while she is still cognitive and aware was the gift I intended it to be. It was hard for me. I’m still too close to Michael’s death so I relive that time in moments like this. I’m not sorry I did it though. Love is love and love is pain and pain is love and all is a jumbled mess. At least that’s how I see it.

Julie and Farewells I have a beloved friend named Julie. I’ve been lucky enough to have kept her in my life for about 50 years.

[uncle-ak]

What is Your Language?

“Cards on the table, we are both showing hearts”… guess where that line is from?

One day I was out for a happy hour with coworkers and some of their spouses. I was excited that someone among us could speak French because the opportunity to speak French doesn't happen often. I’m originally from Cameroon a bilingual country (for those who may not know) and I grew up speaking both English and French so I take on the slightest opportunity to speak or write in French because I find that I’m slowly losing the ability to fluently communicate in French. As the saying goes; if you don’t use it (whatever ‘it’ may be), you lose it, just like a muscle.

So while I was enjoying my conversation in French, a coworker’s spouse approached me and asked; “what is your language?” I said; do you mean the language I was speaking before you interrupted or my primary/first language? He said; “what language do you identify with?” I said; English primarily, followed by French. He said: Nope those are not your languages; those are your country of origin’s national language. I laughed and said; well your question was not specific enough, if you are asking about my native language, then I can argue that it is my parent’s native language and they got it from their parents and so on and so forth…

Why am I sharing this story? Well, it is to shed light on how individual perspectives/understanding differ and how being a little more specific could facilitate communication. Also, it is a connection to sharing my perspective about another type of language which in my opinion is interpreted differently by different people and could be complicated to explain and or express. It so happens that we are in the month of February which is commercialized with gifts of chocolates, cards, flowers and all that is involved with loving others a little more publicly or expressing more love or expressing it differently compared to the rest of the year… nothing wrong with that!

What is your primary Love Language? This leads me to the book titled; The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Before delving into my perspective on the book, I have a question; would you say love is a feeling or a choice? I would like to read your thoughts on your answer and why. The few people I’ve had the chance to have this conversation with tend to pick a side without articulating why? There’s no right or wrong answer, it is based on individual experiences/perspectives. I’ll share my thoughts as I read those shared.

Switching gears a little bit; a topic I'd like to have a conversation about is unconditional love. In my humble opinion, only God’s love for us (humans) is unconditional, followed by the love from parents to their children which could sometimes feel like it is conditional depending on how the love is given versus how it is received and if love is viewed as a choice or a feeling or if it is relative based on the type of relationship/connection. I feel that human love for each other is it in a family setting or romantic or platonic relationship is somewhat conditional. Permit me to explain before we get all wired-up! I know that 1 Cor 13: 4-8 in the Bible reads Love is patient, love is kind… etc and I totally agree with what love is or should be according to that.

Now let me flip the script; as humans would we always love those who are not honest with us? Assuming love is too deep a word to use, let us use ‘like’. Are we going to like someone who disrespects us and or who doesn’t reciprocate our efforts? Our goal could be to strive to love unconditionally but recognizing and admitting that human love/like for each other is more conditional than unconditional is the first step in the journey. I once came across something along the lines of, if you can honestly replace someone’s name in the place of Love is… for example; Person A is Kind, Person A is patient…etc then you’ve found a true/real one.

Keeping in mind that no one is perfect and may not be able to fulfill all that love entails based on those verses. Also be reminded not to take them for granted because as humans we are flawed and can only tolerate so much. Also, be reminded that we are called to do unto others as we would have done unto us. Pretty much treat others the way we would like to be treated. If we can't swallow the medicine we dispense to others then it will help to rethink our thoughts/actions. Think for a second; if someone had to give us a taste of our medicine, how would we feel?

Another side to this love coin is that it tends to come with expectations, hence conditional I would say. Love and fear are said to be the only two real emotions, everything else comes from it. Saying “I love you” with the underlying expectation that the other person will say “I love you too” is conditional love in my opinion and could have been said out of fear of it not being reciprocated. Our pain comes from having rigid expectations of how love should be. We can only truly love others if we truly love ourselves. Certain expectations lead to attachment/holding on as a result of fear and when certain conditions aren’t met, resentment sets in. Can we love without expectations/conditions? oh, by the way, this isn’t about telling you how to love or not to love, it is about recognizing the pattern/cycle we spin in because we can only improve on something if we acknowledge it for what it is. This is not to say we shouldn’t have expectations and or standards, we should, however, be open to realizing that sometimes some expectations may result in attachment/holding onto something that isn’t there and may lead to resentment.

Prior to Aug 2015, I used to send text messages expecting a response within a certain time frame especially since WhatsApp has that double blue checkmark indicating that the person has received/seen your message. I deactivated that feature; as such my last seen online is deactivated, I can't know who views my WhatsApp statuses and others can't know whether I've seen their statuses. People interpret deactivating that feature as being secretive. We are all entitled to our opinions/thoughts of why people do what they do. I, however, did that to free myself of certain expectations; one of which was expecting a response to a text just because the double-check marks turned blue, or just because someone was last seen online at a certain time means they should have responded to my message or posting something on WhatsApp status expecting that a particular person will see it before the 24hrs elapse.

 I used to expect that people would render me a favor because I rendered them a favor. I had a mental shift which now translates to; I do what I do because I can, because I am able to and because I want to. Not necessarily with the expectation that they will do the same for me nor because I “have to.” No worries about being taken for granted or taken advantage of because the favors are done out of ‘want to’ not ‘need to’ nor ‘have to’ and I believe that when you do good deeds, it is returned to you in other aspects least expected and not necessarily by those you rendered the good deed to. 

So herewith a few things I have learned about this thing called love from my experience thus far and from reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and bits and pieces from other books/articles I can’t quite pinpoint at this moment. The five love languages for those who aren’t familiar with them are; receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Learning about our primary and secondary love languages as well as those of our significant others, siblings and friends help facilitate communication. How would it facilitate communication? Take, for example, I won’t respond to each love language the same way that I would respond to my primary love language and as such, the person portraying it may feel unappreciated and that could create a ripple effect.

We tend to live by and express our primary love language the most. My primary love language is acts of service. I love the efforts people put into being of service to others. It doesn't have to be something grand; something as simple as holding the door for the person behind me, volunteering, helping someone carry their groceries, and helping someone out with chores. Some of the most simple acts of service that warm my heart are; handing me a throw/blanket when I’m sitting on the couch or me waking-up to being covered after falling asleep on the couch. Another would be a made-up bed, a homemade meal or a simple cup of herbal tea. Also, getting a ride especially to an area I don't like driving to, someone helping me parallel park my car because I don’t like doing it. Adding to the list would be having deep thought-provoking conversations which I see as service of time and act of the mind/brain but could potentially fall under the love language of quality time (aka QTs… hehe) which happens to be my secondary love language. I love sharing time and space with people who intrigue me. I love the experience of time shared. #momentsshared

I learned from reading this book that people can only love you the best way they know how to. Not understanding another person's primary way of receiving love which is their love language can lead to misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict. For example, I can't expect someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts to love me in an act of service way. Me loving someone in an act of service way and they not reciprocating it the way that I want could lead to feeling unappreciated. But if I understand their love language and they understand mine, it clears out some of the miscommunication/misunderstandings which could build-up over time and lead to conflict.

Do you know your primary and secondary love language? If not I’d suggest you find out as well as that of your partner/significant other, close family members, close friends or better still, read the book for more in-depth knowledge on how to put love into practice/action. Then thank you for making that effort to communicate better. Link to an online love language quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

There happens to have been a guest on Sitmpod; Netty and D who shared their experience mentioning the love languages. Link.

Composed By: Manekeu N Ndoping 

[megamanishashekhawat-blog]

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[rilenerocks]

I have a beloved friend named Julie. I’ve been lucky enough to have kept her in my life for about 50 years. We met in college. We were part of the revolutionary days of the late ‘60’s and early 70’s. We were anti-war, pro-women’s and civil rights and profoundly anti-establishment and anti-patriarchy. Julie was a warrior-poet. Erudite, well-read, sardonic and bitingly funny, she was my kind of person. She had the courage to head a slate of candidates who were running for office as an alternative student government, with Julie as the chair. Everyone won but her. A more moderate male was elected to the spot which should rightfully have been hers. Hard times for women back then, despite some progress. Still hard times. I knew Julie before she married her husband Rich as she knew me before I married Michael. Today that seems almost as if we were friends in prehistoric times.

She was a few years older than me. I can’t find a couple of excellent photos of her from back in those days but I include a few blurry ones. She was very spirited and beautiful, along with all her intellectual firepower. Julie was a “townie,” born in the community where we both attended college. When she got involved with Rich who was a graduate student, she got a job and stayed in town while he was finishing his degree. They had a daughter who is few years older than mine.

When many of our friends made the post-graduation exodus to Chicago, we still had each other and I felt lucky that our two daughters, a few years apart in age, played in the same houses together. Eventually, Rich got a job at a college in Kentucky and they packed up and moved away. We wrote, frequently at first, and then less so. But it didn’t really matter. When we got together, we had one of those easy relationships that picked up where it left off, without any difficult transitions.

Eventually, they moved to Ames, Iowa where they still reside. They came back her to Julie’s hometown for visits. Eventually her dad died which was a big deal because he was a department head at the University. I remember going to the memorial service for him which was crowded and blurry because of all the attendees. But I was there. As years went by, Julie’s mom ultimately needed living assistance and Julie mover her to Ames. Visits home decreased. Still we managed to stay in touch.

About 19 years ago, breast cancer showed up in Julie’s life at a pretty early age. It was one of the particularly nasty types, the Her-2 positive and she was blasted with treatment. She clawed her way through all of that and came out on the other side for which everyone was deeply grateful. But about three years ago, cancer reappeared in her liver, the same breast cancer as the earlier one with a slightly different mutation. How incredible that a cancer can lie dormant for almost seventeen years and then re-emerge in a new place and be so life-threatening. By that time, Michael had succumbed to his cancer and I was a free agent. Cancer can be such an isolating experience, I’d vowed to myself that I would make myself available to loved ones and friends who were going through treatments and hard times.

So I took off for Ames in fall of 2017 to spend some time with my old friends and give support and empathy in their difficult situation. We had a wonderful visit and although we were uncertain about how effective the treatments would be, I hoped that I’d see Julie again. And that’s exactly what happened. She outlived her prognosis and actually did well enough to make a visit back here last year.

Other dear friends from Chicago joined us and we all were thrilled and hopeful that she would be one of those who’d beat the odds. She had such a good time that she talked about the possibility of moving back here and reestablishing a life in the town of her childhood. We continued to communicate and all seemed well. But suddenly things took a dark turn – the liver cancer metastasized and spread to her colon. An exploratory surgery unearthed too many bad spots and the only alternative was a “light” chemo, as if anything that toxic could actually be termed light. Her response was dreadful with her immune system getting hammered and making her vulnerable to virtually any opportunistic germ. Slowly she recovered from that.

During the US Open, she and and Rich and I spoke before my personal favorite, Roger Federer’s match on a Tuesday evening. We were all pretty lighthearted. But the next day, Julie was having dreadful abdominal pain and was hospitalized. After scans and other tests, the doctors concluded that she had an intestinal obstruction which in the case of someone with her disease, was considered a death sentence. On September 7th, Rich sent out a note to family and friends saying that Julie had days to weeks to live and was being transferred to a hospice facility. He told people that if we wanted to plan a goodbye we were welcome to do that and transmitted a message from Julie expressing her gratitude for all the love she’d felt from all of us who’d been part of her life.

I sat stunned in my living room, not knowing what I should do. My knee replacement surgery was dull pretty recent and an hours long car ride with my leg bent seemed like a terrible idea. So I decided to send Rich a note with the request that he read it to Julie who was being treated for pain and being fed through nasogastric tubing. I wrote this on September 7th, the same day I got this dreadful news.

My dearest Julie

I have lain beside you in beds and on couches since we were so very young, when we were vulnerable and pained, and when we were angry and valiant, and  so “in your face,” assholes of the world. So I lay beside you now, in some ethereal form which should be wordless in reality, but is not in the case of you and me. I remember.

Hours of talking and sorting and handholding. Speaking of love and sadness and mysteries of this difficult world. Gales of laughter through the worst of times. The gifts of our language which we acquired on the journey of this life ring in my head. Julie the poet. I could listen to you for hours and you listened to me, a master of graffiti, as we found the right word that would resonate for whatever was the urgency of the moment.

I have not left you and you will not leave me. Whatever are the crevices that our bodies hold for those who come along and somehow wriggle into the fabric of our person is the place I am in you and the place you are in me. Even when we are converted to ash or dust, that space for each other was settled long ago. I wish you release from every type of pain. You’ve suffered better life’s challenges because your will came from a place of love. For as long as I am a corporeal being I will lift your banner and try to ease the pain of your dearest family. I treasure what we’ve been able to share in recent years, an affirmation of what is unbreakable and forever. I love you, Julie, for now and always. Thank you for being a gift in my life.

Renee

I thought this would be the last communication between me and my old friend and I was terribly sad. But as days went by, there were changes happening with Julie. She decided she wanted her feeding tube removed as it was interfering with her ability to feel close to people. That happened, and eventually, she progressed from a tiny amount of liquids to more solid food with no significant adverse effects. After days in hospice went by, she was able to have her IV pain meds replaced with other forms of delivery and got strong enough to get around without her walker. By September 23rd, Rich informed us that Julie was going into hospice at home where she could look at her own trees through her windows and have the comforts of her own space as she walks down the narrower road to end of life.

People were invited to visit and on September 26th, I felt good enough to climb in the car for a seven hour drive to see my friend. That was a longer trip than I expected due to construction and traffic and I worried that Julie might be too tired to relate to me. And sure enough, within about 45 minutes of my arrival, her eyes were closing. So I thought I would give her what I could in silence and darkness. I must have a peculiar pheromone, one that my family calls my special sleep “juju” that acts like a sedative on most people. I climbed in Julie’s bed and she put her pillows in my lap, snuggled under a blanket and allowed me to gently massage her until she passed out. And I sat there for about three hours sending my quiet love and empathy to her as she rested.

The next day she felt pretty well and between appointments with hospice people and her daughter coming over, we chatted and talked about everyday life, old memories, death, cancer and everything in between. I slipped out for awhile to have lunch on my own and give Rich and Julie some downtime and quiet space. I also wanted to find some sweets and fruit that the nurses were recommending for extra calories to provide strength. A lovely cafe with a bakery helped me feed myself and bring in treats that I hoped Julie would enjoy. We stayed up later last night, squeezing as much time in as we could get but everyone feared that the full time company could prove too exhausting and that she might totally crash today. But she felt better than she’d anticipated and we talked some more about the big ideas of life with a few light notes tossed in for fun.

But then it was time to leave as I had a long drive ahead of me and Julie had the aspects of hospice that include visits. Time is a valuable commodity. So we had what might have been our final embrace. Julie is fragile but wept with strength while I held on to myself as I learned to do by all the practice I had in grieving Michael during his day by day decline. I have no idea how long Julie will stay alive or if I’ll have the chance to see her again. This time of my life, as is true for all of us who are aging, will be filled with losses. I feel as if chunks of my history are being carved out of the tapestry that winds out behind me. Of course I have the peculiar combined pain and gift of memory which I hope I retain as long as I’m alive. There’s doesn’t seem much point in being around if you know nothing of yourself. But for now, I hope that visiting Julie while she is still cognitive and aware was the gift I intended it to be. It was hard for me. I’m still too close to Michael’s death so I relive that time in moments like this. I’m not sorry I did it though. Love is love and love is pain and pain is love and all is a jumbled mess. At least that’s how I see it.

Julie and Farewells I have a beloved friend named Julie. I’ve been lucky enough to have kept her in my life for about 50 years.

[rilenerocks]

I have a beloved friend named Julie. I’ve been lucky enough to have kept her in my life for about 50 years. We met in college. We were part of the revolutionary days of the late ‘60’s and early 70’s. We were anti-war, pro-women’s and civil rights and profoundly anti-establishment and anti-patriarchy. Julie was a warrior-poet. Erudite, well-read, sardonic and bitingly funny, she was my kind of person. She had the courage to head a slate of candidates who were running for office as an alternative student government, with Julie as the chair. Everyone won but her. A more moderate male was elected to the spot which should rightfully have been hers. Hard times for women back then, despite some progress. Still hard times. I knew Julie before she married her husband Rich as she knew me before I married Michael. Today that seems almost as if we were friends in prehistoric times.

She was a few years older than me. I can’t find a couple of excellent photos of her from back in those days but I include a few blurry ones. She was very spirited and beautiful, along with all her intellectual firepower. Julie was a “townie,” born in the community where we both attended college. When she got involved with Rich who was a graduate student, she got a job and stayed in town while he was finishing his degree. They had a daughter who is few years older than mine.

When many of our friends made the post-graduation exodus to Chicago, we still had each other and I felt lucky that our two daughters, a few years apart in age, played in the same houses together. Eventually, Rich got a job at a college in Kentucky and they packed up and moved away. We wrote, frequently at first, and then less so. But it didn’t really matter. When we got together, we had one of those easy relationships that picked up where it left off, without any difficult transitions.

Eventually, they moved to Ames, Iowa where they still reside. They came back her to Julie’s hometown for visits. Eventually her dad died which was a big deal because he was a department head at the University. I remember going to the memorial service for him which was crowded and blurry because of all the attendees. But I was there. As years went by, Julie’s mom ultimately needed living assistance and Julie mover her to Ames. Visits home decreased. Still we managed to stay in touch.

About 19 years ago, breast cancer showed up in Julie’s life at a pretty early age. It was one of the particularly nasty types, the Her-2 positive and she was blasted with treatment. She clawed her way through all of that and came out on the other side for which everyone was deeply grateful. But about three years ago, cancer reappeared in her liver, the same breast cancer as the earlier one with a slightly different mutation. How incredible that a cancer can lie dormant for almost seventeen years and then re-emerge in a new place and be so life-threatening. By that time, Michael had succumbed to his cancer and I was a free agent. Cancer can be such an isolating experience, I’d vowed to myself that I would make myself available to loved ones and friends who were going through treatments and hard times.

So I took off for Ames in fall of 2017 to spend some time with my old friends and give support and empathy in their difficult situation. We had a wonderful visit and although we were uncertain about how effective the treatments would be, I hoped that I’d see Julie again. And that’s exactly what happened. She outlived her prognosis and actually did well enough to make a visit back here last year.

Other dear friends from Chicago joined us and we all were thrilled and hopeful that she would be one of those who’d beat the odds. She had such a good time that she talked about the possibility of moving back here and reestablishing a life in the town of her childhood. We continued to communicate and all seemed well. But suddenly things took a dark turn – the liver cancer metastasized and spread to her colon. An exploratory surgery unearthed too many bad spots and the only alternative was a “light” chemo, as if anything that toxic could actually be termed light. Her response was dreadful with her immune system getting hammered and making her vulnerable to virtually any opportunistic germ. Slowly she recovered from that.

During the US Open, she and and Rich and I spoke before my personal favorite, Roger Federer’s match on a Tuesday evening. We were all pretty lighthearted. But the next day, Julie was having dreadful abdominal pain and was hospitalized. After scans and other tests, the doctors concluded that she had an intestinal obstruction which in the case of someone with her disease, was considered a death sentence. On September 7th, Rich sent out a note to family and friends saying that Julie had days to weeks to live and was being transferred to a hospice facility. He told people that if we wanted to plan a goodbye we were welcome to do that and transmitted a message from Julie expressing her gratitude for all the love she’d felt from all of us who’d been part of her life.

I sat stunned in my living room, not knowing what I should do. My knee replacement surgery was dull pretty recent and an hours long car ride with my leg bent seemed like a terrible idea. So I decided to send Rich a note with the request that he read it to Julie who was being treated for pain and being fed through nasogastric tubing. I wrote this on September 7th, the same day I got this dreadful news.

My dearest Julie

I have lain beside you in beds and on couches since we were so very young, when we were vulnerable and pained, and when we were angry and valiant, and  so “in your face,” assholes of the world. So I lay beside you now, in some ethereal form which should be wordless in reality, but is not in the case of you and me. I remember.

Hours of talking and sorting and handholding. Speaking of love and sadness and mysteries of this difficult world. Gales of laughter through the worst of times. The gifts of our language which we acquired on the journey of this life ring in my head. Julie the poet. I could listen to you for hours and you listened to me, a master of graffiti, as we found the right word that would resonate for whatever was the urgency of the moment.

I have not left you and you will not leave me. Whatever are the crevices that our bodies hold for those who come along and somehow wriggle into the fabric of our person is the place I am in you and the place you are in me. Even when we are converted to ash or dust, that space for each other was settled long ago. I wish you release from every type of pain. You’ve suffered better life’s challenges because your will came from a place of love. For as long as I am a corporeal being I will lift your banner and try to ease the pain of your dearest family. I treasure what we’ve been able to share in recent years, an affirmation of what is unbreakable and forever. I love you, Julie, for now and always. Thank you for being a gift in my life.

Renee

I thought this would be the last communication between me and my old friend and I was terribly sad. But as days went by, there were changes happening with Julie. She decided she wanted her feeding tube removed as it was interfering with her ability to feel close to people. That happened, and eventually, she progressed from a tiny amount of liquids to more solid food with no significant adverse effects. After days in hospice went by, she was able to have her IV pain meds replaced with other forms of delivery and got strong enough to get around without her walker. By September 23rd, Rich informed us that Julie was going into hospice at home where she could look at her own trees through her windows and have the comforts of her own space as she walks down the narrower road to end of life.

People were invited to visit and on September 26th, I felt good enough to climb in the car for a seven hour drive to see my friend. That was a longer trip than I expected due to construction and traffic and I worried that Julie might be too tired to relate to me. And sure enough, within about 45 minutes of my arrival, her eyes were closing. So I thought I would give her what I could in silence and darkness. I must have a peculiar pheromone, one that my family calls my special sleep “juju” that acts like a sedative on most people. I climbed in Julie’s bed and she put her pillows in my lap, snuggled under a blanket and allowed me to gently massage her until she passed out. And I sat there for about three hours sending my quiet love and empathy to her as she rested.

The next day she felt pretty well and between appointments with hospice people and her daughter coming over, we chatted and talked about everyday life, old memories, death, cancer and everything in between. I slipped out for awhile to have lunch on my own and give Rich and Julie some downtime and quiet space. I also wanted to find some sweets and fruit that the nurses were recommending for extra calories to provide strength. A lovely cafe with a bakery helped me feed myself and bring in treats that I hoped Julie would enjoy. We stayed up later last night, squeezing as much time in as we could get but everyone feared that the full time company could prove too exhausting and that she might totally crash today. But she felt better than she’d anticipated and we talked some more about the big ideas of life with a few light notes tossed in for fun.

But then it was time to leave as I had a long drive ahead of me and Julie had the aspects of hospice that include visits. Time is a valuable commodity. So we had what might have been our final embrace. Julie is fragile but wept with strength while I held on to myself as I learned to do by all the practice I had in grieving Michael during his day by day decline. I have no idea how long Julie will stay alive or if I’ll have the chance to see her again. This time of my life, as is true for all of us who are aging, will be filled with losses. I feel as if chunks of my history are being carved out of the tapestry that winds out behind me. Of course I have the peculiar combined pain and gift of memory which I hope I retain as long as I’m alive. There’s doesn’t seem much point in being around if you know nothing of yourself. But for now, I hope that visiting Julie while she is still cognitive and aware was the gift I intended it to be. It was hard for me. I’m still too close to Michael’s death so I relive that time in moments like this. I’m not sorry I did it though. Love is love and love is pain and pain is love and all is a jumbled mess. At least that’s how I see it.

Julie and Farewells I have a beloved friend named Julie. I’ve been lucky enough to have kept her in my life for about 50 years.

[megamanishashekhawat-blog]

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