#actually i'm not talking abt anything rn i just want to ramble to myself abt random bs before i sleep

[noxtivagus]

SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours

[gay-otlc]

Hi!! I'm the anon from before who asked (in good faith) for your view point on how antis are harmful for folks with OCD and I wanted to again thank you, and to apologize if my ask started anything with these other anons or taxxed you in anyway.

From your answer, It seems we agree completely, and your reasoning is why I don't engage with the labels or discourse at all. I think when people use those labels and stick to these harsh " X makes you a bad person FOREVER" , in many cases, we lose the nuance necessary to prevent actual harm. We lose focus that that is the end goal; to decrease harm and support people at ALL LEVELS, not just the ones that make you comfy, not to play judge and jury about every single thing that makes you uncomfy.

My partner and I both have ocd (I've only recently begun to accept that label for myself) and I struggle with similar issues to what you've described on your blog. I want you to know that the posts you make have genuinely soothed me in a way I didn't know I would get to have. In a way that makes me ready to REALLY start being honest in therapy abt the dark stuff. In a way that makes me hopeful. You talking about how even compulsions and genial responses aren't me and my actual brain made me want to cry in relief. I could say so much more honestly, but I'm a little overstimulated rn and starting to ramble.

I'm only still on anon bc im really anxious and paranoid about digital footprint and online harassment but I can use an emoji or smth idk if you do that im - thank you for reading!!

-😵‍💫

Hello 😵‍💫 anon! I'm happy to have helped, and it's not your fault the other anons are showing up. This is tumblr, this is what I expected. I would have never posted about this if I wasn't prepared for the possibility of assholes in my inbox.

You're so right! We are not the judge and jury! None of us as individuals have the right to decide what type of dark fiction is okay and when it gets immoral and it's okay but only if we interrogate this person about their past and verify that they're traumatized enough and where we draw the line and who's acceptable and who's not! Individuals who think they have that right use that against minorities, which is why it's important to fight censorship even for those people.

Anyway, I'm really glad you're ready to start being honest in therapy. It's a difficult process and I'm not totally there yet but it's really important and I'm happy for you.

I totally understand the paranoia about this, people on the internet suck. Staying on anon is fine :)

[jiminxoxo]

me being called FUNNY? BY YOU???!!! 😳😳 can the day get any better 😌😚 no but the real question is was i joking or actually flirting w you 😏🤭

ono :( I'm rlly sorry about the concert scene love :( are the postponed dates out yet?!

take hugs (╥﹏╥)

༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ

༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ

i hope you get to see them SOOOOON 🥺💕🤞🏻

albeit i have almost (¿) no chance in any near future to see any of my fav bands/artists kpop or not, i love seeing all you people's concert vids & pics 😭😭❤️

i have been pretty busy w etc etc so i have just been catching up on all the (my ult groups' XD) concert content here & thereee ( also lemme know who are your ult groups&solos hehe <3 I'll let u know in our next convo huhu !! )

my jagi 💘 writing texts as low-key a coping mechanism

🤝

me (& the rest of us ofc) reading it as a coping mechanism

AS WE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL???!!!!! 😎😎💕

i hope you are feeling better after coming on tumblr today

:( 🫂 right here if u wanna talk more about anything & everything 🥺

ILY2 my 자기야 😌😌😌💘🍯

also I'd like to know your pronouns if u are comfortable sharing it !! mine is she/her hehe :D

mwahhh byeee nowwwww

sorry this is the last lmao, just popped in my brain rn

have you come across/listened to this song called GLIMPSE OF US ?! 🤧 if yessss, do you listen to joji?! if no, pls pls listen to it BUT NOT TODAY( i don't want you to be more sadder) ;-; we can scream in detail abt it later lmaoo😭🤯😓

the concert date has yet to be announced, i know three members got covid and dear god poor lino got covid twice in the span of what??? 4 months??? bye 😭😭😭 i’m on a similar boat where we almost never get concerts where i am (canada 💀) which is why my friend and i had the spontaneous idea to fly out and let me tell you 💀 nothing seems to be going as planned for me lately so idk what i was expecting 😭 ofc i hope for their speedy recovery and i definitely want them to put their health first!

oh dear god you do NOT want to make me go on a ramble about my ult groups!!!! because i’m about to and you’re gonna regret it! 

i consider myself a really oldddd kpop stan (ie i started stanning when i was suuuuuper young in 2013ish-2014)

nowadays, i’m really into skz (they’re on a time out rn tho for obvious reasons), tbz (what’s new LMAO) and i listen to stayc and le sserafim a lot these days 🫶

but oof, i’ve stanned a lot of groups in my day. (i’m saying as if i’m in my 50’s 💀) *cracks knuckles* groups ive had HUGE phases for were bts, exo, day6, the boyz, and txt! (please keep in mind that these are me being overly obsessed and not just casually listening to their music but also tuning in to their variety shows and purchasing a lot of their albums )

and i’m pretty sure you can name a good chunk of the kpop industry and i’ve either heard a couple songs from them or actually know them well enough to know their names and stuff!

i’m one of the very few people who stanned bts since debut too! and to this day it’s my biggest flex 😌 i can confidently say that i feel the most connected to them for sure, they influenced a BIG chunk of my life and as you can see, my username has not changed and i never plan to change it. jimin had been my ultimate of ultimate biases for a long ass time and he’s the only idol i can say brings me an immense load of comfort (i actually named my cat after him 🤭🤭🤭) i’m soooo proud of them and i can’t describe into words how much they deserve every bit of success they’ve gotten.

also, YES IVE HEARD A GLIMPSE OF US AND 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i think it’s the fact that i’ve been pathetically single my whole life and i’m scared i’ll never be someone’s first love 💀 but i also embrace my singleness and don’t really give a fuck about men cus they’re musty. 💀 i don’t think i’ve listened to any other joji song tho, are there any that you recommend? 🤭🫶

omg i just realized i’ve never formally introduced myself and i should really do that….. i’ll make a post about it soon 🤭

[churbo]

considering i draw fugo so much and have so many little hcs about his appearance i went ahead and drew a baby ref for him ft. his anime colors that i will most likely Never Use but theyre there in case. I somehow do my ramblings about his appearance are underneath the thingy ^_^;

Firstly to start off I kept his skin the same cause... yeah... it's redder to fit in w/ his manga colors cause that's what I prefer (even if I am anime-only atm for p5) but anyways not the point.

With his skin, there are a few things I did. First, I gave him subtle freckles and dark circles underneath his eyes, darkening/making them bigger post PHF cause you know he does Not Sleep Well after GW, though I don't think he honestly did even before. Freckles are just bc I felt like it cause I think they're cute. Scar wise, there's not too much as a majority of the scars on him with the exception of a few will be randomized essentially. One of the nonrandomized ones is obviously his face scar after PHF due to him biting the capsule. I personally like to think when he did this, he had it in the left side of his mouth so there are more scars on that side (also helps balance out his hair but that's another thing) It flakes out a bit and continues on his cheeks but's that really it. There is a rounded scar right around his jaw (it's on both sides) where Giorno had to do some... ah, let's say "reattachment" for Fugo afterward. The scarring continues down his neck where the virus started to eat at his throat and such and it's on both sides as well. Finally, there's the scar on his lower right abdomen. That's from the knife that got he stabbed with during Angelina's attack and just... essentially kept there. All the other scars are Pre PHF, the scars post-PHF he intentionally kept (for what reason I'm not entirely sure but my go-to is usually to remind him of what he went through and to sort of ground him) Onto his hair, I gave him two different styles; Pre PHF and Post PHF. Pre PHF follows his more canon hairstyle, dividing into 3 parts. I don't like how they look stiff so I made them look much softer (though I sorta do that to everyone like Abbacchio for example) in both versions. Pre PHF is just... yeah sorta that there isn't much to explain honestly. Post PHF though his hair is more grown out and longer- instead of reaching just above his shoulders it now reaches just below them. His bangs are now also side-swept to fit more of the PHF style and because I saw this wonderful Fugo fanart and got obsessed with it and it actually gave me a good way to stylize Fugo's hair to make him easier to draw for me at the time. Colors are colors, though I did just sorta free hand the anime colors cause I was lazy so his hair is a pit too pale and his suit is the wrong color but I honestly don't really mind; i sorta like the paler hair anyways LOL might work around that and fit the suit to match it better so we'll see... Everything else is just sorta basic stuff so I'll leave it at that !! I plan to do everyone in the bucci gang at some point, Fugo just happened to be the first cause I draw him so much and wanted an easy ref for myself lol. If you read all this uhmmm thank chew!!! Here's a little prize of what Im working on rn that should be done soon :3 If I missed anything in his ref to talk abt here I'll add it later or smth idk

[artistlara]

🎐PINNED POST ✦﹒₊

I don’t think home’s a place, rather a person. Being in someones arms is home for me

Outdated, check new pinned here

꒰ abt info below the cut! ꒱

Hello hello ! ~ヾ(＾∇＾) welcome to my humble abode. Take a seat, get comfy and have some tea🍵

There’s not much going on here other than a few reblogs, art, and some incoherent rambles but make yourself feel at home while you’re here! <3

Some stuff to note:

This is not a self-ship blog BUT I do post self shipping art and the likes of it. If you’re not comfy with that then you’re free to mute the tag “self ship” or just don’t follow me! (If you’re curious abt who my f/o’s are then here’s a carrd!)

My inbox is open for requests! It may take a lot of time before I actually get to it, but you’re free to send in your oc or a character u like! I still have the right to decline though.

English is not my first language. I’d say I can speak fluent english but I do still get some words wrong here and there. So please be patient with me if I don’t fully understand something.

My art is free to use as icons/pfp and such! Please just credit me somewhere people can see. The only thing I don’t allow are resposts. (For Friends: Credit isn’t needed but v appreciated :D dw abt using my art!)

I’ll add more to this when I remember anything else but for now this can do. Below are more info abt me and my interests!

ABOUT ME🍵

Call me Lara! I also go by Lin or Art so choose ur pick. Any other nicknames are for friends only ty

I'm a minor but not below 16, so please don't be weird!

I sometimes draw! I’m usually busy irl so I’m not able to draw often, but I try!

I'm asian, not comfy on specifying where I'm from (unless we’re close) so that's all I'll say

I have an Insta but it’s quite dead. I’m a lil more unhinged here on Tumblr so this is ur best bet to seeing what I have to offer.

CURRENT INTERESTS🍡

bold - what i’m currently fixated on

italic - i’m into it rn and down to talking abt it!

Sky COTL

Friday Night Funkin’

Genshin Impact

‼️ All my Genshin art is PLATONIC unless I state otherwise (this also excludes the self ship art). I do ship certain characters but I’d rather keep things in a platonic light most of the time bc I yearn for more familial/platonic fanart.

Eddsworld

‼️ All my Eddsworld art revolving around the main cast is PLATONIC. Please do not tag any of it with ship tags. The only ship I’ll allow being tagged is “paultryck.” The way I portray Pau and Pat is ambiguous, so you‘re free to view it as either platonic or romantic!

Other Interests I don’t actively talk abt but they’re here!

Technoblade (not d/s/m/p)

Cuphead

Mystic Messenger

Cells at Work!!

PS. I don’t usually like associating myself in the fandom since it can be a whole trainwreck sometimes! So these are labelled “current interests” than “fandoms I’m in.” I’d rather stay in my little corner to vibe and have fun. <3

My tags are a mess and I should probably fix them at some point but here’s some basics:

#🍵lara does art- art tag basically, you’ll find all the art I posted from (mostly) doodles to (a few) finished pieces.

#🍵rb - all the stuff I reblog pretty much

#🌻friends! - a tag I use for my friends whenever it’s abt them <3 they all have separate tags for names.

#🍵the introvert wants to speak - text posts aka my incoherent rambles abt my thoughts and such, dunno if you’ll go thru it but just letting u know.

I’ll add more if needed. Please do let me know if you want me to tag certain things! Majority of my warnings have either cw or tw before it.

Well that’s all, if you ever end up following me I hope u enjoy ur stay! 🍶

Will add more if I remember stuff or smth changes <3

[getallemeralds]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[pixiechangeling]

aaah that sounds exhausting. do you have any free time you could schedule doctors appointment to/can you ask to leave early? also that sounds unfair from ur boyfriend.. like i was close (still am actually, just not their fp anymore) to someone w bpd so i get it can be tough sometimes but still. like if he feels exhausted/frustrated by it maybe he should take a look at himself&see is he handling it the most healthy way. i'm kinda projecting here tho, could be other stuff too.

(2) &i don't mean that u r a burden, of course not! but me&my friend had a big fallout at some point cause of my unwillingness to share too much of myself. but at the same time i was bad at putting boundaries. i wouldn't tell them if something was too much&that lead me to resent them. i did think at the time it was all mostly on her but now later on i think it was more of a vortex we both fed.(3) i guess what i mean is: i feel ur boyfriend should take a look at why he doesn't react/is disinterested in ur distress. where is that attitude coming from? sry if the analysis was not what u wanted! def don't mean to make u feel worse in any way. i do get along w my parents fairly well so yea i think so. one of my sisters is here for the summer too&other important ppl live in the city nearby. funny, town that once felt v suffocating is more comfortable now that i've had chance to leave lol

I don’t have any free time probably for another couple of weeks. But! I have an early finish one day next week so I’m gonna try and book in an appointment for then. I just made a note in my phone to remind me to do that tomorrow when the clinic opens. I totally understand that I’m A LOT to deal with at times. I mean, I’ve asked him to tell me when it’s too much or he needs time to himself or when he has his own stuff to attend to, but I don’t think he knows how to do that. Anyway, I know I used to put a lot onto him but I’ve made an effort not to do that anymore and I really don’t think I do now? I never, ever message him when I have a problem or if I’m in a funk or expect him to do anything about it or listen to me, I don’t ask for any of his time or energy idk. I’ve worked really hard to work on my stuff by myself and not make it his problem and I kinda stopped talking to him about stuff because he doesn’t know how to deal with me and he also doesn’t know how to deal with not knowing how to deal with me. Like, I understand and accept that he’s not an emotive person and that he’s not comfortable making himself vulnerable to me/other people, and I’m not going to ask for more from him than he can give. BUT. It’s v hard for me to understand how someone could just not react to someone’s distress. He says that it’s not bc he doesn’t care, it’s bc he doesn’t know what to do but I can’t wrap my head around that leading to completely ignoring someone. It’s so deeply ingrained in my nature that I’d want to hug someone, or talk to them or reach out to them that I can’t understand his way of acting and I’m sure he’s telling the truth but I can’t see if from his point of view. Also, It’s REALLY hard for me to accept the reasons people give me for their actions hurting me because most of my relationships have been abusive and full of the abuser justifying their abusive behaviour by manipulating me so when I feel really hurt by someone I have an insanely difficult time accepting reasoning if it doesn’t immediately make sense to me bc I’m wary of being manipulated. Idk if that makes sense, but yeah it’s bringing up lots of stuff for me and I’m feeling pretty guarded against him and it’s making me want to just avoid him completely. And because of all that I just feel like there’s noooooo point talking to him about anything bc I feel like he doesn’t and can’t understand me or what I want. Realistically it’s not a good idea for me to talk to him about stuff I feel he’s not doing/my needs that aren’t being met rn because I’d probably be more accusatory than I need to be when it’s not like I’m obligated to him trying to meet my needs anyway.This is really long and rambly, my brain is all borderliney atm and it’s hard for me to make rational sense of any of it because my feelings are taking over and I can’t even make sense of all of them. It doesn’t help that I’m super tired and worn out and sick and like literally all I want is to feel like ANYONE cares about me and like I’m worth anything and I just DON’T and it’s making me cry a lot. Sry for the dumb long rant abt it.ANYWAY! I hope you have a nice time in your town! I feel you on feeling more comfortable once you leave. My hometown feels like a relaxing place to visit now I’m not suffocated by the oppressive smallness of it. How many siblings do you have? 

[noxtivagus]

my skill is making nonsense out of nothing fr 👍

[noxtivagus]

Lune I just talked abt milgram to my friend and now she's off to her tutor SO PLEASE DON'T MIND ME RAMBLING ABT THEM TO YOU!?2)3)2)4)2 anyways on your post one of your tags “you cant really vote based solely on moral and values” AND THAT HITS A LOT the best example is yuno on her second trail!!! spoilers if you havent listened/read abt it but yuno says there that she thinks that our (viewers) sense of rigthousness is pathwtic and that she doesnt want us to vote her innocwnt based on our morality and values. she thinks we are only giving her half-baked justice and that we are only looking at their thru rose-tinted glasses. she's very much self-aware of her actions.

I CANT REALLT SAY ANYTHING BUT KOTOKO but mu.. for mu i actually relate to her on a personal level But i wont be talking abt her since you dont agree with her! but if you want to hear what i have to say abt mu, feel free to give me the go sign!!! ANYWYAS FUUTA SO FUUTA YEAH FUUTA OH MY GOD SO ABT HIM!!! he has a heavily misguided ego and has huge hero complex and has this tough guy act so yeah! maybe a facade of looking like the hero!! pair it up with his strong sense of justice, fuuta thinks everything he did is right or like maybe and it makes it worse bcs social media adds more fuel to the fire which makes fuuta blinded by his own heroic sense. he was voted guilty in his first trial bcs if people haven't then he would be blinded by his ego and thinks that what he did was right. milgram was a place where he could taste his own medicine and that he could know that his actions cannot or may not be justified. out of all, he has the chance of redeeming himself but he needs to let go of his ego first and learn to hold his temper. he doesnt feel guilt for his victim bcs he thinks he did nothing wrong and that he is not guitly.

OH MY GOD I WILL REPLY TO YOUR OTHER ASKS LATER OH MY GOD IM SO SO SORRY I JUST NEEDED IT OUT OF MY HEAD 😭😭😭😭 BUT YEAJ PLEASE DO HAVE A NICE DAH AHEADKAKFKWKDKE AHHHH IM SUCH A MESS RN FORGIVE ME

HI YORI IT'S SO NICE SEEING YOU HEHE DWDW RAMBLE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!!!?!?! >:3 my reply got rather long oh dear i'll put it all under cut SORRY FOR RAMBLING HDFKASDJLF I'M A MESS RN BUT🫶🏼

"you cant really vote based solely on moral and values",, YEAH WITH YUNO AA oh my hehe i really. really like how self-aware it is it's really interesting to see ahhh all the characters in milgram r so interesting!!!!!! hdfjalksdf thinking about what you said n yeah personally n. you mentioned you too & apollo thinks the same n majority does as well that yuno's innocent w abortion n all but it's just. so interesting thinking of what wld happen to her?? after this trial ><

ON KOTOKO AA IIRC. THEY'RE V SPECIAL TO YOU RIGHT I'M SORRY HDKJAFLKSD ngl for as critical as i may be at times i genuinely find all the characters in milgram interesting n. KOTOKO IS STILL COOL /gen n she's so interesting honestly but.. the violence 😭😭 i'd love to hear you ramble about her too if ever you want !???! genuinely i wldn't mind at all hehe (just. saying in case you wna ramble bcs genuinely i wldn't mind at all i'd love to hear actually what any of the charas mean to you or wtvr ><)

MU 🥺 i don't know how to say this so honestly i'm just gna be blunt n straight-forward about it rn SORRY IF EVER HDFLKSJDAFL but i understand you! i saw your twitter & :( WAIT GENUINELY I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT SAYING THIS but i really do understand /gen n honestly i'm probably critical n conflicted on mu's character bcs i relate to her as well to a certain extent.. & oh my god i'm rambling but i myself know well the. "villain" thing & feeling like a monster,, no one ever deserves that t_t ngl i'm worried about like. the direction she took in those previews n all after the first trial. honestly aside from like yuno who i personally think with abortion and all really is innocent and i don't think that counts as murder, the rest of the prisoners are all guilty in some way with some sort of "murder" yeah and they're also victims too. i THINK at least.. i'm not the most knowledgeable yet >.> so with mu it's really sad honestly; i think her "high pride" as mentioned though iirc is just something that hmmm stands out to me especially personally. as well as. i'm not updated with stuff like the voice dramas and all but.. personally i think it just makes me rather sad w the uhh preview for her trial 2 songs bcs i doubt she hasn't made her own mistakes as well but the 'i didnt do anything wrong' things :< we all have our faults & we all can move past them but the certain sort of lack of self-awareness that i feel from her development into trial 2 personally makes me a bit sad but i find her character interesting on a personal level >.>

i really just rambled w that aaaa with that said though hehe feel free to go on! i genuinely would really love to hear what you'd say on her character hehe bcs my mind is a mess oh my god n your insights help make it clearer N GENERALLY I AGREE V MUCH!!!! so go ahead <3

FUUTA! FUUTA! HDJFLASKJDFD iirc i remember seeing you mention once i think to apollo that he's also one of your favs!?!?! ON TWT.... ON THAT BTW SORRY FOR THE SPAM I LIKE MY FRIENDS' POSTS A LOT 😭😭 THAT SAID THOUGH! YOU'RE SO RIGHT. ty hehe hearing that cleared my head on it, i very much agree! fr he definitely has a good chance of redeeming himself. guilty first trial definitely i do think that was for the best, i hope this trial by being forgiven, maybe he can forgive himself,, ? (rambling a bit again but sometimes when i see people's reasoning for voting fuuta & by extent kotoko n honestly other characters it just rubs me off the wrong way when they really only look at the surface 😔 i find it really interesting though thinking of how it really reflects on the audience) next though on milgram! yeah! milgram for him is like. fuuta used to judge others n now he's the one being judged (something like that) n it's really. interesting yeah really just milgram is so intriguing oh my god. this has gotten really long >.>

NWNW AT ALL YORI THAT'S ABSOLUTELY ALRIGHT ITS OKAY <33 JUST REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OKIE 🫶🏼 I'M GETTING TO THIS SO LATE HKFJADLS i saw it like when i was rambling earlier BUT MY. ATTENTION SPAN HFKJASDLF SORRY 😭😭😭😭 genuinely tho dw fr NO RUSH! N I'M A MESS TOO c: I HOPE YOU HAD A NICE DAY N SLEEP WELL ( ´ ˘ `)/♡