#administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

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New Palmarosa chapter was *chefs kiss*! I adore all interaction between your Raphael and Astarion! I’m hoping the glimpse of True Submission we see will involve some more BDSM and kink elements 🤭

Hi hi anon!

I'm also hoping that the glimpse of true submission we see will involve more BDSM and kink elements!

That being said, Raphael's not like a professional dominant or anything. He's just a torturer who likes sadism in his kink/sex life in this story. That being said, I'm sure he has a ton of tools at his disposal that he can use if he wants to.

He's been introducing Astarion to his sexual proclivities very, very slowly. He very much wants Astarion hooked into that second contract, which has no actual end-date (it's entirely possible Astarion will complete the ritual, get access to the sun, and still not ever be able to leave if he can't submit - and then one has to ask oneself: would he be okay with that? Because he might actually be okay with that. We'll find out!)

Once Astarion is in the second contract, there's no more walking away. That's it, his body and flesh belongs to Raphael until Raphael gets true submission (and the ritual is completed). At that point, Raphael can torture him mercilessly every day if he wanted to, and never help Astarion ever again re: submission. He'd own Astarion until our vampire got hold of that contract and tore it apart.

Astarion knows that, which is why he's demanding to see true submission in action.

I sadly think Astarion will see it and still not understand and still think it's easy to do. (And for the folks who asked, no it's not subspace. You can force a sub into subspace pretty easily if you have the time and tools without any sign of 'true submission' - hell you can do it to a complete stranger). I think the best place to get an idea of true submission is to look at what Raphael actually wanted from Hope. He went about trying to get it from her in the wrong way, which shows he doesn't exactly have a skillset here for what he's truly looking for, but there's at least one point where he says exactly what he wants from her and we - the reader - know just how impossible that is based on Raphael's own actions.

And once you look at Raphael's wish through the lens of turning Astarion into his new Hope, or needing someone new to obsess over, I think it becomes at least a little clearer what Raphael's aiming for.

(Tbh I thought this was so on the nose - but Raphael needs a new Hope, his last one didn't survive the battle. He wanted one thing from her ultimately, and never received it. And he planned on keeping her until he got it. To me, Astarion being the new stand-in for Hope, and Raphael being clearer about what he wants from the outset...? Like...oof. Astarion hasn't exactly realised that's what's happening to him yet, but it is).

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Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing? with the understanding that no advice is universal of course

28. Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing?

So I have a ton of stuff in the Pia on Writing tag that goes into a lot of detail but (with the caveat to ignore anything that doesn't work for you):

Learn to love your mistakes, because you must make a lot of them to get good at writing, so if you hold back because you're worried about your writing being bad, your shooting yourself in the foot. Your writing HAS to be bad for it to get better. Or: You need manure/shit (bad writing) to grow a really good garden (good writing). You want a good garden? Start shoveling the shit in, lol.

Clever marketing won't solve not putting the hours in to hone your craft.

In fanfiction, make sure it's fun. That doesn't mean it can't be hard sometimes, that you can't dread editing sometimes or drafting, that you can't have sadder times, but make sure that the overall net is always positive. Otherwise, take a break.

In professional writing, learn how to stop waiting for inspiration to strike, and learn to turn up on that dance floor on your own. Inspiration is a fickle dance partner, it often won't turn up unless you develop the discipline to turn up first.

Sometimes the writing you absolutely slog through that feels stilted and bad is some of your best writing. Just because it feels clunky when you're writing, doesn't mean it reads clunky. Just because it feels smooth when you're writing, doesn't mean it reads smooth. Your emotional state at the time of writing does not determine the quality of writing. Feeling good while you're writing =/= good writing. Likewise feeling bad while writing =/= bad writing.

You do not need a daily habit to be good at writing. Develop one if you want one, but personally I don't have one and I'm super happy that way. Take your weekends, have your leisure time, goddamn it, don't be a terrible boss to yourself.

Writing can be both lonely and exhausting - make some non-douchey writer friends (or artist or creative friends), and make sure you take breaks. Because writing is so cerebral, you'd be surprised how much physical activity can help with recovery, like stretching, gentle walks, workouts, etc.

Eat brain food. Snacking during writing is actually normal. I have nuts on hand for protein boosts, but I'll also eat chocolate or snack on quick energy boosts.

Stay hydrated.

Ignore any writing advice that goes 'you must do this in order to be a writer' or 'you have to do this one thing to be successful.' They're wrong. There is no one-true-path in writing with the exception that you do have to write in order to like...be a writer, imho.

You are going to want to compare yourself to others, but be very aware of who you're comparing yourself to. If you're new, why are you comparing yourself to someone with 10-20 years of experience? If you're disabled and fatigued, why are you comparing yourself to able-bodied writers? Stop competing with people outside of your metaphorical weight class, they're not your competition. I'm not going to tell you not to compare yourself to others, but be very careful of how you compare yourself to others. I've had new writers be like 'I could never do your wordcounts (so I'm not as good of a writer)' and like, no friend, neither could I 10 years ago. This is literally a decade of hard work and practice. Some skills really just come with time. (Also most writers are more successful after writing less words than me so y'know lol).

If you get shitty comments/critiques, remind yourself that if you wouldn't take personal advice from a complete stranger like this (and you wouldn't), then their shitty comments/critiques aren't worth your time either.

On AO3, the delete, block, moderate comments function and mute buttons are all free. USE THEM. Don't bother giving haters airtime on your fics. Elsewhere on the internet, as much as you can, try and ignore review sites. Like seriously.

Learn your writing style. Practice planning, plantsing and pantsing! Practice writing one thing or more than one thing at a time. Practice different genres. You might be surprised at what fits you as a person! Think of it like being a musician, you're not trying to be a band that already exists, you're trying to be your band and you're trying to find your sound.

You're probably very good at noticing your weaknesses, get good at noticing your strengths, and use those to shore up the places where you're still building skills.

Do writing prompts. I cannot stress this enough, but learn how to write settings. Describe the dialogue of a friend. Write a character dossier on a television character. Practice worldbuilding, practice character building.

Fill the well. Read broadly across many genres. Watch many different types of media. Listen to many audiobooks. The best way to not sound derivative of a particular order is to saturate yourself with inspiration from hundreds of different places.

That's probably enough! dklsjfdas

~

From this meme!

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Hope you're doing okay, sending love & support from America! If you need to slow down for a bit, that's not a bad thing -- you're an incredibly prolific author, which is wonderful, but there's only one of you and there's plenty of stuff already out there that we can read (or re-read!) if you need some time to take care of yourself. Your fans will understand.

Hi hi anon <3

Tbh I was looking at my output and it's hilarious to me. So from March 1st to March 11th I wrote 10 chapters. From March 11th to April 13th I've written three chapters. So I'm definitely doing a good approximation of like a corpse floating downstream right now! Wait that's kind of dark, um...

Definitely not being prolific lately, and I'm so glad I have a buffer (April is written, May is written except for one chapter) but at some point I have to keep that buffer going so - but having a break while I need it most.

Tbh it's not even the writing getting me down, it's my personal life. There's been some disintegration of important relationships with other people and it's just kind of all happened randomly at the same time. It's not for any bad reasons, none of those people are horrible, it's just...how it shook out. But that + Toby + life stuff has just left me in a weird, lonely place. The most socialising I do each day is like here and on the Discord lol.

But I've taken some steps to work on it, and in the meantime, my body is appreciating the rest!

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Hello Pia how are you? Not really an ask but more sending thanks and love for all of your writing. I've been a reader for over a year now and am still in awe of your skill (and speed!). I've been getting back into writing and struggling with feeling inadequate or like my stuff reads childishly, as a result I can barely get out 5k aha, but I'm working viewing it as a lifelong dedication to improvement. (On a side note: your work got my teenaged self to snap out of purity wank, forever grateful!)

Hi anon,

It is so awesome that you're getting back into writing!

Honestly, it is a sign of a kind of growth to notice the things you don't like in your writing, because if you feel it reads childishly (and I bet it doesn't all read like that, or most of it doesn't), that means you have skillsets already to aim towards. You can see how you want to get better. This is a skill!!! It's a more painful skill, and it's not a good one to listen to all the time, but it's a good skill to have.

When it feels dispiriting you can balance it out by intentionally looking for and writing down your strengths as well, and writing more of those. It might be only a few lines, or it might be all of the dialogue, or it might be the descriptions, but there will be strengths too!

Also 5k is impressive! Everyone writes differently. It took Mark Z Danielewski 10 years to write House of Leaves, and I love that book a very great deal. Quantity =/= quality, and you also have to remember I've been doing this in a pretty focused way for 10 years! Trust me, if you did this in a focused way for 10 years, you'd be in a different place with your output (which isn't obligation to do this for that long, just that...things take time <3 )

I'm glad you were able to snap out of the purity wank mindset anon, it's a tough one to be in, because it makes you feel like you're not safe in your own mind, and after a while it shuts down curiosity because it feels like everything you're interested in has to be examined just in case it's a moral trap or says something 'terrible' about you if you show interest in it. And that's really hard! It makes sense to me why so many antis kind of really lock into what they think and believe, because they've gotten so used to treating themselves with paranoia, how can they not treat others that way?

And that's a miserable way to live. It's the opposite of benefit of the doubt.

So being able to separate from that is incredible! And that's a tribute to your own curiosity in the world, and interest in exploring different ways of doing things, and I think that's really cool. :D

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Stain is what convinced me to finally try marrying Alex, and I was shocked by what a blushing sweetie pie he is! Thank you for opening my eyes to his character potential. What an absolutely gorgeous fic. A wonderful depiction of my first chosen spouse (Harvey) as well. You’ve also made me quite like Jodi. You have a gift for deepening characters I never really though about.

Omg omg anon Alex is so nice to have as a spouse. His dialogue is so genuinely very warm and sweet, and he's never like, overly business focused (Sebastian), and is very you-focused and sometimes very him-focused (although Alex being like 'I need to keep my body in shape for my amazing hot partner' is not a bad thing either lmao).

I like romancing Sebastian, but I prefer Alex and Elliott as spouses in the game. I find Sebastian's spouse dialogue much colder (in fact it was his cold-hearted business-focused spouse dialogue which inspired the farmer divorcing him in Stain - I really love Sebastian as a character and I'll romance him again, but I can also see a world where two workaholics just end up in a toxic 'never seeing each other' dynamic where Sebastian basically coerces you into farming slimes even if you never had any interest in it because he never shuts up about it).

Elliott's romance is probably one of my faves since they added on the period of time where he sends letters (I won't go into more about that since it's one of his final events, but they're genuinely so very sweet and loving that it's a really special storyline for seven in-game days).

But yeah, Alex offering to give the farmer character a massage at the end of a hard day with a little blush on his face? Not mad at that!

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! Would you be ok with fanfics/spin-offs of Palmarosa? With credit of course. All the love for you and your amazing writing!

I would be totally okay with this!!! As long as there's credit, go for it - AO3 even lets you link a work back to the one that inspired it, so that people who are reading Palmarosa can see that other works have been inspired by it and go read those too!!

I believe it's already happened at least once with Palmarosa (though that work hasn't been linked through AO3 afaik), and honestly it's just very humbling that folks want to do it in general!

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So your updates are at 2/3 AM for me, and my body is very attuned to this. On the days my favorite stories update I automatically wake up at 2 AM and have a little reading session before going back to sleep, which I really love doing. Except, last night I was really tired so instead of waking up, I dreamed that I woke up and read the new Underline the Blue chapter and my brain constructed a whole chapter.

Anon I beg you get some sleep thoughhhhhh

(But also this is incredible aslkfjasd my brain doesn't give me dreams like this my brain gives me the equivalent of like 'naked in highschool' dreams but instead it's like 'I put up a chapter but it's the final chapter and it spoils everything and also I'm naked in highschool and somehow everyone knows that too.'

[not-poignant]

I get the impression that there’s some tough times over there so I’m sending all the love and support I can x

There have indeed been some tough times, anon <3

It's just a few things converging all into this year (including my ongoing tumour/cancer surveillance to make sure my head/neck tumours aren't growing or that I don't have any new ones), on top of training an intense little enthusiastic smart puppy who we discovered has pretty serious Separation Anxiety and then instigating slow and tedious separation training which is exhausting (imagine having ADHD and then having to get up every 2 minutes around 10-30 times a day to go to the door to desensitise to it and ask me how your hyperfocus is holding up sadlkfjas).

He's wonderful, but he's also currently in puppy jail (the lounge behind baby gates lmao) because he's just discovered that it's fun to chase our elderly cat, so I think I'm back to having to leash him when we go outside into the back garden.

Tbh between overworking on the writing front for about a year, raising Toby to be a responsible little canine dude, some interpersonal stuff (those three words are doing some real heavy lifting), and some health stuff, the death of my uncle in December (on my Mum's side, and one of the few family members who I was close to), and the state of the entire world right now, I'm just very much done with it all a lot of the time and taking breaks wherever I can get them.

Today is a work day though, I've got some editing on the table, I want to do more Relaxation Training with Toby (I was hoping to do some trick training as well, but instead I'm waiting for his brain to calm down enough that he just disengages from Maybe (miss elderly cat)), I was hoping to cook tonight (we'll see), and the weekend promises to be pretty busy!

Anyway, there are good things too! I'm just... sometimes very sad or depressed or being sucked down a whirling vortex of despair at the moment, and that makes it harder to appreciate the good things. The love and support are so very appreciated anon. I am doing my best, as I suspect we all are! <3

[not-poignant]

Sorry if you’ve already been asked this, but when did you know you wanted to tell Efnisien’s story through FFS? What motivated you to show his redemption journey?

Hi hi anon!

Honestly I started thinking about it during the chapter where Efnisien gives the USB to Augus, and Gwyn tries to kill him, and he's just laughing-crying, while knowing that he's going to be murdered in cold-blood by Crielle as a result.

And then I just...spent about 8 months trying not to think about it, because I was certain everyone would hate the story. And then one day I started making a playlist, and then started thinking about it a bit more seriously, and decided 'fuck it' because the idea of Efnisien living a barren, empty life in Hillview, dependent on Gwyn, after his sacrifice, just didn't sit well with me.

I funnily enough did not start out planning on writing a redemption narrative. I knew none of his victims would forgive him for his actions, and that his therapist would never be like 'there there it's okay' about it. For a while I even wondered if Falling Falling Stars would have a bleak, semi-hopeful ending. Just like, 'well it's better than it was but it's still terrible.'

But Dr Gary's a really good therapist so, we ended up on a different track. :D

But yeah no, I wasn't motivated to write a redemption journey, honestly. I was just motivated to write Efnisien's story after Spoils, and then it became what it became. But initially, in those early chapters, it could have become a lot of different things, because I had no real conception of it except that I didn't want to write a redepemption narrative, heh.

Now I don't care that this is what it kind of became, but I do like that it's complex enough that if anyone said 'no way I'm not reading that, he's an abusive asshole' even Efnisien would calmly agree with them and respect their right to feel that way.

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I know Raphael isn't in a great mood or on his best behaviour at the moment, but ngl if I was badly hurt and in a lot of pain (from what I assume was a humiliating public beating by Mephistopheles but idk) and Astarion made a quip about daddy dearest not being happy to see me, I would also be tempted to chain him up like a bicycle and leave so I could get some peace and quiet and heal lol. Great chapter btw. Love those two and the cat.

Yeahhhhhh

Yeahhhh Raphael is definitely going to get some healing and some peace and quiet and then he's going to come back and vent his wrath on the most vulnerable person in his House of Hope that has just worked super hard for him.

Raphael sure makes choices x.x

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Hey, hey! Random kind-of-writer here, who struggles to bring words on paper and looking for help/advice? I think I finally found my problem, which comes in the shape of 'my third person pov writing sounds like an ikea building instruction'. AKA: All that what the pov character perceives is there, things are happening/the plot is there but the writing kind of lacks thoughts/feeling/inner monolog? For years I've followed your stories and I look up to your writings skills. Especially you handling of pov and that gorgeous mixture of what the character perceives and what is happening in their head. Do you have maybe any tips/insight how do you find a balance?

Hi anon!

So firstly I'm going to point you to my dialogue research post that I put up recently, because dialogue research applies to a characters inner dialogue as well, and will kind of give you a guide as to how they're likely to be talking in their heads. (How I write as the narrator in A Stain that Won't Dissolve is actually somewhat similar to how Alex speaks, I even go out of my way not to use certain words if I don't think Alex would know what they mean).

Otherwise there's several approaches you can take.

You can imagine that the character is basically writing a journal entry or a diary entry. The narrator is, in a way, piggy backing off that. You're a fly on the wall of a character's brain. Sometimes they're going to have lots of thoughts, sometimes they're going to have none. Sometimes my characters are literally just narrating what's happening no thoughts attached, sometimes they're narrating with thoughts attached, and sometimes they're just thinking about stuff and missing what's going on in front of them.

Diary entries are like that too. They can vary from 'today I did this, did this, walked the dog, had this for dinner, and read some of this book' to 'oh my GOD I HATE this person sO MUCH and I really can't BELIEVE this is happening to me omg the DOG needs to be walked I keep FORGETTING.'

Somewhere in there, is your character.

Some characters are more - for lack of a better word - detached or utilitarian than others, some have their voices 'come to life' over the course of a story, because they're growing (Gwyn can be a bit like this).

Some characters are very observational, some are stuck in their heads. Some ground themselves through noticing their surroundings, others notice how other people are acting and behaving (especially true with trauma, Astarion notices setting way less than he notices how people are behaving around him).

It might help you to write down some little sentences like 'this character notices people a lot because people hurt them' or 'this character looks for nature because they like nature' or 'this character is very sensitive to smells so they constantly are aware of how things smell.'

From there, I am very sorry to say, it's just a matter of practice! This stuff becomes easier the more you do it. At first, it will be normal for the characters to feel a bit mechanical and not very natural, and that's because you're still building the skills you need to bring them to life from the ground up. Most writers don't have these skills even if they know what they're supposed to be learning, and they can only be learned through trying, making some mistakes, having some successes, and keeping on with the words.

How you write the first paragraph of a character this year, will be very different to next year, if you just keep writing.

Unfortunately, you can't skip past that part either. I can give you lots of tips, and you can do lots of research and guidance for yourself, but at the end of the day the best way to make it feel natural and have some depth, is to actually just keep writing characters and reflecting on what you've written, notice the paragraphs you like as well as the ones you don't, and building and building from there.

I wish you all the words, anon! It's normal to feel dissatisfied with your writing sometimes, that means you know you have room to grow - but the best thing is, you're already growing if you're noticing this stuff!!! That's actually a positive! You'll go through periods of feeling satisfied, and then dissatisfied, if you keep on keeping on, and looking at what the writers you love are doing, you'll eventually really just pick it up until it feels quite natural to you <3

[not-poignant]

Does Mephistopheles regularly beat all of his Cambion children? Or does he just particularly enjoy hurting Raphael? Or does he specifically find himself having to put Raphael in his place more often than the others?

Feel free not to answer if it’s too spoilery. I’m just curious. The Devil family dynamics are fascinating.

There's some indications that Mephistopheles raped so many women that he has like hundreds of cambion sons and has killed most of them. So that's the lore I'm going with, because that's fun for me, the idea that he just has this endless supply of weak (by fiend standards) sons that he can make do his bidding and torment whenever he likes.

I think Raphael's a bit special (like a few of his sons are), in the sense that he did actually genuinely rise to power, he is very intelligent, and he has secured the House of Hope which is strategically a very significant waypoint for Zariel, and therefore affords him more status than a (Ascended pit fiend) cambion would generally have. I would say that of the surviving cambion sons, he was the most powerful, and had been for some time. That along with Raphael's loyalty is the only reason why Mephistopheles deigned to resurrect him in the first place, he hasn't offered that to any of his other sons, who are just like...dead and/or lemures.

I don't think Mephistopheles regularly beats all his children, in fact I think he's as patchy with the concept of fatherhood as he is with all of his projects. But I do think he has a tangible enjoyment from tormenting Raphael, and I think Raphael doesn't do a great deal to discourage him, because it means he often gets away with other activities that like...his father underestimates him for / thinks he's incapable of.

Mephistopheles needs some of what Raphael supplies to him (particularly funds, most fiends don't care a very great deal about gold or wealth or anything like that. All wealth is measured in souls and the acquisition of souls, and they often need wealth to do that, but, only some are personally interested in attaining that wealth. Raphael is very good at securing gold / gems / capital for manipulating greater populations of people, so he therefore directly funds a lot of his father's 'projects' which means for thousands of years, Mephistopheles hasn't had to bother learning how to do that himself. Which makes him more kind of semi-dependent on what Raphael does for him.

He's been betrayed by at least one of his sons before, and very significantly, so I think he never misses an opportunity to both remind Raphael of his place, and get some enjoyment out of what he's doing re: hurting him. But I also think Raphael benefits from Mephistopheles thinking of him as some poetry-obsessed Faerun gadabout and assuming he's not capable of more than that).

Idk I have a lot of thoughts about those two, I do think Raphael is not above using himself as bait for example, to get enough soul coins to essentially rebuild the boundaries of the House of Hope and get his appetite quenched again. I think he also believes Mephistopheles won't come after him, because M is ultimate ADHD archduke - hyperfixated on a project and loses track of things very quickly (like literally, that's canon). I also think M doesn't want to visit Avernus and he doesn't want to lose the House of Hope so he'll probably grumble and kill some cornugons about it once he finds out, and then settle down lol.

[not-poignant]

For the behind the scenes asks 20, 21 & 26 about A Stain That Won't Dissolve please!! <slightly obsessed w it rn

Ahhh - so I have 21 in the queue, it's coming! The TL;DR for that one is 'I didn't expect so many people to apologise for the way the town behaves towards Alex, and it's like watching abuse apologism and self-defense of inaction around familial abuse in real time, which is a weird phenomenon that happens sometimes when you write trauma narratives.'

20. What is something you wish more people noticed about this fic?

Hmm.

I don't know if it's something I wish for, so much as something that I think people don't notice as much and I think it would be interesting if they did.

Things like... it's a shame more people don't realise that the reason Alex isn't a 'good communicator' is because no one in that town is except for maybe Dr Harvey. Even Haley, who is getting better, is a people pleaser who undercut herself and her skills all her life. People can't learn what isn't around them to learn. So when I get comments like 'I wish Alex would just open up to these people in the town' I can't help but always think: 'Why would he based on how the town has treated him for a solid 25 years.'

For me, connecting these dots naturally flows together, but I've had 10 years of practice writing trauma recovery, and 43 years of practice experiencing many different kinds of abuse and many different flavours of trauma recovery and I think, actually, I now have a weird skillset in this area that other folks don't have, or don't even know exist. So it's not something I 'wish' they noticed because firstly it would likely mean more readers who are victims, but secondly, I also appreciate having this be something more subtle, and it's not like I'm upset or angry when people say that Alex is the poor communicator because like, he is. He's a symptom of the entire town.

So it's like, it's normal for people to notice what's right in front of them (Alex not communicating well and then thinking his problems would be solved if he just talked about stuff, because there's this presumption that everyone wants to listen if he'd just...talk), that's actually the fun part of writing? I love the comments people leave so much, and I learn a ton, and I love the insights folks share. I'm sure people are noticing a lot of stuff like this and just not saying so. Especially folks who have lived these situations and just can't be fucked talking about it in comments because life's hard. (And it's also possible to notice that and still be mad or frustrated that Alex doesn't communicate more).

I don't think there's really anything else though. I think that's partly because I'm not... uhhh, sitting there going 'PLEASE NOTICE THIS' because the gift of writing serials for the most part is pivoting when people aren't noticing something subtle, and thinking 'this might be me not meeting the reader where they are, I can step it up in the next chapter.' So, I feel like I flow towards pushing the things I want people to notice or gravitate towards, and as a result, they almost always do.

And with the stuff they don't, there's usually extremely understandable life-experienced-based reasons for that!

...This response is really long x.x

26. Wild Card! I'll tell you a fun fact about this fic!

I have actually always imagined Alex and Sebastian making out together. I imagined it even before I wrote The Wind that Cuts the Night, but Alex/Sebastian fics existed, I didn't like them (no shade to those authors, but I clearly wanted a very specific crunchy kind of angsty toppy Sebastian fic and very understandably no one was writing my fantasies they were writing their own lmao), and I thought Elliott/Alex would be faster to write. (It was).

That's actually one of the reasons I make it clear that Sebastian is gay and topping the farmer in The Wind that Cuts the Night! And also why I felt it was important for Alex to know that. Even back then, I couldn't resist just a little tiny glimmer of some kind of chemistry, even if it was just friendship chemistry.

I find Sebastian really annoying as a spouse. He's one of my favourite NPCs to romance, and my least favourite to marry of the ones I marry. The storyline of Martingale divorcing him is based off me daydreaming about doing that (I can't because it's mean) in one of my farms. I found him cold and detached compared to many other NPC spouses, and too work-focused. So the premise of an older Sebastian recovering from being divorced for these exact flaws was extremely appealing and vindicating to me. Most people don't feel the same way about in-game Sebastian as I do, but I'm like 'you have so much potential and then oh no.' It turned out Martingale felt that way too, and eventually did something about it.

And that gave me a really flawed Sebastian to work with and that's been awesome.

I did always imagine him as being a dominant/top/sadist though. It's actually really hard for me to imagine him as anything else.

I don't think this fact is fun but it is a fact! Sebastian is a character I love but he's also literally 'I can improve him' and this fic is me doing that lol

~

From this meme!

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia!

I just have to know- it's day six going into seven for Palmarosa. Contract part-two is in four days...

Do you see these next few chapters being explicit? Is Raphael truly intending to let Astarion see how life under contract is going to be, or is Raphael purposely holding back to lure Astarion into that next contract?

And, in your opinion, do you think that if Astarion truly sees Raphael at his cruelest towards him, he would be more comfortable signing a second? Able to know what the worst is instead of some nightmare he dreams up?

I love your story, and how you write Astarion. Thanks for your time!

It's still day 5!

I can't believe it's still day 5 in the contract, but it is, I'm writing a timeline and everything this time. So much has happened on this day, lmao.

(Chapters 13-18 all happen on the same day T.T)

I do think there's explicit content coming, but Raphael very much wants Astarion in that second contract, that being said, he's already cocked it up a few times already lmao. There's no guarantee he won't do that in other ways. I do plan writing-wise to get Astarion into that second contract though. Raphael oscillates between playing a very good long-game and then snapping and ruining his hard work, lol.

And, in your opinion, do you think that if Astarion truly sees Raphael at his cruelest towards him, he would be more comfortable signing a second? Able to know what the worst is instead of some nightmare he dreams up?

Raphael is not going to be his cruelest, and actually still isn't even though he does kind of lash out at Astarion in a very intense manner in the upcoming chapter. We've not seen Raphael at his worst. This is a guy who sees nothing wrong with keeping people in 'bones shattered in 100 places' levels of agony for hundreds of years. Even Raphael snapping is still Raphael not...giving himself to torture Astarion like he would an Eternal Debtor.

Astarion actually threatens to break the contract at the end of chapter 18 and through chapter 19. But...he hasn't yet.

Astarion has a lot of learned helplessness because of his experiences with Cazador. I imagine he had plenty of times to convince himself he was going to escape / find a way to beat the system etc. only to have all of that brainwashed and mind-read out of him. I am sure Cazador is the kind of person to know that someone will try and escape him and watch them try and then torture them for trying as a reminder that they are enslaved to him not just in body but in mind as well.

I don't think Astarion at this point is fully in contact with the part of him that knows he can walk away.

But also, Astarion accepted this first contract fully expecting to be raped and tortured regularly. He literally considered that and negotiated to make sure none of the torture caused permanent harm. This was a guy who negotiated a contract with stipulations based solely on expecting to be tortured/rape. From Astarion's perspective, Raphael hasn't actually done 99% of what Astarion expected him to do.

In some ways, that makes things harder for Astarion. Not knowing what to expect, and getting whole days where everything's uncertain but 'generally fine' followed by explosions of Raphael's temper etc. is like...still very hard for him to endure. But in a different kind of way.

I think Raphael's going to lay out the terms of the second contract very clearly soon, and Astarion will baulk simply because the terms of the contract will involve him doing two things he very much doesn't want to do. One goes against his personal ethics (and he's already refused to do it around Raphael once), and the second goes against his trauma history. And Raphael knows that. He isn't planning on tricking Astarion into that contract, he's banking on the idea that Astarion will still think the prize is worthwhile.

What I think Raphael is finding frustrating is that he had plans to introduce the concept of the second contract soon and Verillius came along and kind of ruined everything lmao. Raphael is pissed off for a lot of reasons right now. Can't a devil just manipulate a victim into a more high stakes contract in peace?

Unfortunately the Magic 8 Ball says no :D

[not-poignant]

I have had to reread flitmouse and efnisien's meeting multiple times - i LOVE them. Efnisien definitely is in over his head

I also love the contrast between Flitmouse in utb and him in utg and how confident and comfortable he feels with Anton. I can't wait to read more about how they get there

It's been great to show how he's grown! Him being happy and still a bit snipppy and fierce, very much still 'himself' but also like...in love and supportive and clearly connected to more than just Anton at Hillview...

Idk, it's enjoyable kind of having the 'still figuring out if he even wants to live' Flitmouse in Underline the Gold and the 'solidly wants to live and is so in love it annoys him often' Flitmouse in Underline the Black. :D

(Meanwhile Faber's life is doing a bit worse right now in Underline the Black compared to where we're at in Underline the Red).

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight