#after all this show loves retconning everything it can pull anything out of its ass

[crunchchute]

need to know when exactly hw2 is taking place so that i can work it into my headcanons cause right now its just not fitting at all. a lot of "..unless?" but i wont know until i get the timeline (more under cut i guess. spoiler territory ahead 🚨🚨)

also i had 6 hours of copium for my sleeptime. if youre a hater just take this as if i was pulling this out of my ass, unless you agree, in which case youre welcome to comment or. nod in agreement.

so how does this help wanted economy affect the fazcoin?

but no for real now. to preface im very forgetful when it comes to fnaf lore and i sometimes miss some plot points and many times they affect my headcanons (once i remember them) but i cant check everything. im just forming my own little timeline with my own ideas i guess, but i still want it to be canon adjacent So!

i believed that its taking place post SB, pre Ruin. which i was super happy with as i was worried it would be pre-SB and not give enough lore that i crave. however, just as ive seen some people say, this didnt help with the lore much, and it just got more confusing for me. still a fantastic game but from a lore point it doesnt give us anything too big or a conclusion (well. maybe one) i also saw people say its post ruin, which i dont agree with but i would agree with during ruin. (when ppl say cassie is the player, i dont think so, need more arguments) its unclear once people bring in other arguments than the obvious roxy's mask or the state of the pizzaplex. but basically as an afton believer its hard for me to work around this, but i will try. never back down never what?

so my hc is iykyk, scraptrap->man in the room->ghost/amalgamation->latching onto tech and the mimic in the form of glitch and burntrap->mimic "shedding" him->wills ghost forming mxes; it also works without the frights books but the afton amalgamation and everything around it is too cool to not use. i fucking love ruinborn afton graaaaah *tears shirt apart* i also liked the idea of his spirit shattering and a piece of it forming glitchtrap for years, and i believe it can coexist with mimic, i think burntrap was real and is both mimic and afton.

now. this game. really messing it up for me as glitchtrap existing post or during burntrap just doesnt make sense, i dont want -trap multiples or something (sounds like the years old 2-3 purple guys theory lmao) but i will look into it as glitchtrap and mxes connection..? honestly, i really expected getting to see burntrap here (or at least mimic shown). was burntrap like retconned or something for real??? also still dont understand when people say burntrap isnt the mimic or whatever. no, it is, just with something a little extra on. and that extra is again, wills ghost or remnant or whatever you wanna call it, symbolized by the bonnie parts on his endo, but theres also flesh so yeah, as funny as it sounds i fuck with the afton homunculus growing over mimic theory. its stupid enough, he would do it.

but i wanna focus on mxes, i knew we wouldnt see the entity in the game, didnt expect it. but i also didnt expect the system to show up, which it did, but obviously not the entity yet as i believe they were formed only after burntrap has been "scooped" by tangle (comparing the scooper mimic ending and the burntrap one as a parallel) i just dont understand how glitchtrap is in here. thats the thing i cant figure out! this is 100% post SB so at that point glitchtrap is just gone. how did we get him back now? only ends up with me reaching with like MEGA SPOILERS the vanny ending crushing glitchtrap being a metaphor of her locking away or deleting the code. extreme reaching would be stuffing it into the mxes system where glitch would turn into the entity. but thats way too loose, but ive seen many people call the mxes entity glitchtrap, which doesnt even work with their theory that glitchtrap is mimic, because the entity is obviously not the mimic. like you have to consider this too, not just mimicmimicmimic but then agree that a glitchy rabbit is similar to another glitchy rabbit

lost my thread of thought. and thought of how this all is just, an end to glitchtrap era and only mimic in the future. well.. without an evil rabbit, fnaf will lose its charm for me, i dont know if vanny!cassie would save it for me, i only want wiwi. more wiwi, no mimi *starts glowing red and then explodes* anyway its not that bad. as long as i get to see the mxes entity again i will be good. and as long as im right about the clickteam game, i will be happy :D

also im intrigued by the fallfest showing up again, i really want to see how the maps look and look at all the details.. but in general the area is either underneath or next to the pizzaplex, the body of water in curse of dreadbear imo is the same as the underground water in ruin and hw2 to me confirmed that it truly is all in one place (goes nowhere with this). i love how the hw2 hub is in the pizzasim building. also, another thing, need to check it out again but i want to see if scrap baby is in a vr level or reality so i can theorize about scraptrap, as in, if at least tangle and scrap baby are still around and real in the plex, it would make sense for scraptrap to not show up because he has gone through digitization /j you know the whole pipeline. and so on and so forth

anyway im gonna pet my dogs and maybe read tse and then get back to hw2 in the afternoon. just getting this out of the system and my brain

[mariproducer]

ok gloob keeps releasing those damn group chat commercial breaks every day and today’s was love square oriented... and it was phrased as though adrien was asking marinette on a date? I really fuckin hope that’s pre identity reveal and not post identity reveal because it’s gonna look like adrien only likes marinette cause she’s ladybug 💀

[whentheynameyoujoy]

Yup, Sure Was a Finale

I had an epiphany. The reason why I never re-watched the final two parts of Sozin’s Comet even though I’ve popped in episodes at random many times over the years isn’t that I can’t bear the sadness of seeing one of the best, most engaging narratives out there come to an end.

It’s simply that the finale isn’t all that good.

Some honorable mentions of what was enjoyable.

(+) This

Just this.

(+) The Church of Zutara has another convert

“Are you sure they don’t get together?” Hubster, 2020

(+) The tragedy of Azula

And the fact that it’s acknowledged as such. I hope Zuko will do his best to get her help and have a relationship with her…

(+) Sokka being a big bro

And the whole airship sequence in general. It’s wonderfully paced and plotted, with moments of humor, real stakes, Toph being both badass and a scared crying kid, Sokka strategizing and protecting, Suki saving the day, and non-benders being instrumental in thwarting the bad guy firebender’s plans. Would be shame if Bryke never portrayed them this capable ever again…

And now for the main course.

(-) Blink and its over

The wrap-up feels too quick (hashtag Needs More ROtK-style False Endings). A part of this is due to how fast the story goes from the thick of the action to hastily tying up a bunch of loose ends, but the larger issue is how Book 3’s uneven pacing comes home to roost. After spending half a season on filler episodes that at best subtly flesh out established characters while dancing around a huge lionturtle-shaped hole, and at worst contradict the theme of “no one is born bad” with “you’re a hot mess because your great-grandfathers didn’t get along too well”, the frantic “go go go” rush of the second half screeches to a halt with “they won and everyone was happy because now the right people have power and it will be all good from now on yup nothing more to deal with baiiiii”.

Yes, I know, it’s a kids’ show. But goddamn, this particular kids’ show has proven so many times it can do better than the expected tropiness. Showing the characters in their roles as builders of a new world was the least that could have been done.

Oh well!

(-) Ursa

We’ll never know. There will never be a story that delves into this. Yup. Shall forever remain but an intriguing mystery. Is good, though. Mystery is better than a story where Ursa shares her son’s penchant for forgetfulness. Imagine how embarrassing that would be. Speaking of which…

(-) What does Mai see in this jerkbender?

Look, I like to harp a lot on the mess of inconsistent writing that’s Mai but let’s unpack this scene from her perspective, shall we?

Zuko forgot about her! It totally slipped his mind that the one person who prioritized the safety of his dumb ass was rotting in the worst prison in the Fire Nation—because of him! And she was rotting there long enough after the final Agni Kai for the news of Zuko’s upcoming coronation to spread and her uncle to feel sufficiently secure to release her. But then the coronation scene is attended by every single member of Gaang & Friends that was imprisoned?

So what this tells me is that either a) the invasion force had the ability to break themselves out the whole time and for some reason decided not to exercise it until after the war was over, b) Zuko forgot about them as well and no one thought to remind him there were prisons full of POWs until Mai arrived, or, and that’s even better, c) Zuko took care to free every single resistance fighter while making sure Mai would be the one to stay behind bars.

Never thought I’d say this but Mai? Honey? You deserve so much better.

(-) “What does Katara want?”

Asked no one in the writers’ room ever, apparently.

This is not so much anti Cataang as anti romance stories that pay attention to the needs, opinions, and wants of only one partner in general. Over the previous 60 episodes, Katara actively expressed romantic interest in Aang exactly, wait for it,

Once.

And it got retconned out of relevance by the following two interactions where the possibility of a romantic relationship came up, making the Headband dance pretty easy to reclassify as just one of those examples where Aang “teaches” Katara to have fun (as if one of the main obstacles to her having fun wasn’t him constantly fooling around and offloading his duties). And because the writers not only didn’t succeed in portraying Katara’s internal state of mind, but also failed to root her reluctance to pursue a relationship in outside circumstances that could change, her sudden state of unconfused once Aang steps into the spotlight has a single canonical explanation that as much as approaches coherency.

The fact is, though, that trying to interpret canon Cataang from a Watsonian perspective is an exercise in foolishness. Because there is no Watsonian justification for the ship and never has been. Bryke simply conceived of Katara as nothing but a tropey prize for Aang, never saw her as anything beyond that, and were perfectly happy to go on and immortalize her as a passive broodmare for the rest of her life.

And I fully intend to die mad about it.

(-) Iroh dips

OK, it’s been long apparent that the show doesn’t intend to do anything about Iroh’s complicity in AzulOzai’s regime in any meaningful way, and that his sole motivation for doing anything whatsoever is Zuko whom he views as a replacement son which is supposed to be good for some reason. But the finale has him abandon even that, and instead turns him full-on YOLO, idgaf anymore. It really throws Iroh’s supposed love for Zuko into doubt when his last act in the entire show is to take a half-educated 16-year old with no political savvy or an heir to secure a dynastic continuity and plomp him on the throne of a war-mongering imperialist regime where the entirety of the militarist and ruling class is guaranteed to fight him tooth and nail for power.

(I sure hope Mai’s ready to start popping out babies by tea-time otherwise the whole country is fukd in about a week)

Christ, how hard would it be to have Iroh keep the throne warm for a few years while Zuko is getting ready to succeed him? Not only would it make the whole FN reformation bit quite likelier to occur, it would require Iroh’s hedonistic ass to actually sacrifice something for once. And not having Zuko ascend to power, instead spending some time bettering and educating himself first, would be a wonderful message that no matter what you endured and overcame, you never stop growing. A kids’ show, remember?

(-) The conquering of Ba Sing Se

Gee, I feel so blessed to have my attention diverted from battlefields which actually matter to an old dude vanity project I would have been perfectly happy to assume resolved itself off-screen.

The White Lotus in general just bugs me. I was fine with the individual characters and their overall passivity when they were portrayed as lone dissenters living under circumstances where it wasn’t really possible for any single person to mount a meaningful resistance. But as members of a far-reaching shadowy organization that’s left the real fight to a bunch of kids for 59 episodes straight and didn’t turn up until a perfect opportunity presented itself to take control of the largest city in the world and bask in the spotlight?

Yeah, no.

Similarly to the lionturtle-ex-machina, the White Lotus represents a huge missed opportunity for a season-long storytelling. Here’s just a brief list of what they could have been doing throughout Book 3:

orchestrating a Fire Nation uprising;

gathering those directly persecuted by AzulOzai’s regime to help Zuko keep his hold on power once he’s crowned;

establishing themselves as a viable alternative to Ozai;

sabotaging Fire Nation’s war efforts from the inside;

countering Fire Nation propaganda (Asha Greyjoy’s pinecones, anyone?);

running a supply network to alleviate the suffering of Earth Kingdom citizens.

Instead, they sit on their asses until the time comes to claim personal glory.

You know what, good on Bryke for making me conclude that in comparison, the Freedom Fighters were perfectly unproblematic, actually.

(-) Fire Lord Dead-by-Dawn

Yes, a kids’ show, I know! But ffs, this is the same kids’ show that came up with Long Feng and portrayed courtly intrigue, kingly puppets, secret police, spy networks, and information wars. Was it really too much of me to expect something other than “enlightened despot solves everything”? Especially if said enlightened despot has persisting anger issues, no personal support system, no base of followers, and no political experience whatsoever?

If Zuko’s actually serious about regaining the Fire Nation’s honor (i.e. by dismantling the country’s military machine, decolonizing the Earth Kingdom, paying reparations to everyone and their lemur, and funding any and all cultural restoration projects Aang and the SWT come up with), then there is no way, no way in the universe that he doesn’t face a civil war, deposing, and execution within a month.

One reason why his future as a Fire Lord seems rather bleak is that little’s been shown about the actual subjects of AzulOzai’s regime. While we get a vague reassurance that “no Toph, they’re not born bad” (le shockings), they largely remain a voiceless uniform mass of brainwashed clapping seals. What is their view on the Fire Nation’s crimes? Do they associate their condition with their country’s war-mongering? How will they react when Zuko starts dismantling the country piece by piece to rebuild it, bringing it to economic ruin? What will they do when noble Ozai loyalists come out of the woodwork and begin rounding them up under the banner of “Make the Fire Nation Great Again?”

I have no idea, and Zuko doesn’t either because he’s unironically more qualified to rule the Earth Kingdom than his own people.

You know what would have been better? Fire Lord Iroh, White Lotus pulling the strings to maintain the regime, and Crown Prince/People’s Champion Zuko travelling the Fire Nation with Aang and an army of tutors to promote the new boss, only to realize that absolute monarchy is kinda crap for the people he’s one day supposed to rule and gaining their support by ceding some power to them.

I’d laser holes into my TV due to how much I’d enjoy watching that.

(-) All hail Avatar Rock

Literally and metaphorically. Aang doesn’t sacrifice anything, gets everything, and the clever solution of going about getting said everything is handed to him on a silver platter, requiring no active participation on his part whatsoever.

He doesn’t work to unblock his chakras, spiritually or physically.

He only speaks to his past lives to get a pat on the back and a bow-tied solution he could mindlessly follow.

Energy-bending doesn’t require any sacrifice from him, leaves no lasting marks, and only serves for the narrative to praise him as the rare individual that’s unbendable and thus so very very special.

The most infuriating thing is, however, that Aang is clearly shown as being able to beat Ozai without either the Avatar state, or energy-bending.

And he chooses not to. From this moment on, Aang no longer fights to save the world. He fights to preserve his beliefs, going directly against the instructions of his past lives and effectively reneging on his duties as the Avatar.

Again.

It’s not like you can’t portray Aang’s faithfulness to his spiritual beliefs as the key to beating Ozai and saving the world. But that’s not what the show did. There is no link between Aang sparing Ozai and securing a better future, quite to the contrary—Ozai’s survival ends up being a massive problem for the continuation of Zuko’s rule, and consequently a threat to the world at large. His survival benefits Aang and no one else.

Aang’s spiritual purity and his status as a savior of the world are allowed to coexist only due to a deliberate stroke of a writer’s pen.

And I hate it.

Welp, nothing to do about it now except to bury myself up to my tits in fix-it fics I guess.

[themattress]

KH3 ReMind - Pros & Cons

Pros, otherwise known as the fixes for KH3′s bullshit:

- CHRISTOPHER LLOYD AS MASTER XEHANORT. ‘Nuff said.

- Chirithy is still cute, and we find out how it got back to Ven.

- All of the new battles and tweaks to old battles are great.

- Namine actually gets some real screentime and is seen doing stuff.

- The outcome of Lingering Will vs. Terra-Xehanort gets shown.

- You can play as heroes other than Sora throughout the climax.

- Aside from failing to correct that scene with Terra-Xehanort (where everyone but Donald and Goofy acts like an idiot), Kairi is done justice throughout. Lea is shown to believe in her inner power which she displays by fighting Xemnas to a stand-still, her not doing anything while being kidnapped now makes sense because Xemnas used a Nil technique to drain all of her energy and she doesn’t have a time-traveling counterpart to restore it like Sora does, once Sora brings her back she kicks Master Xehanort’s ass and gets to be part of the group when they destroy him, she gets to have a romantic moment with Sora in the Final World and be aware of his upcoming fate so that she’s prepared for it, we see her actively take part in restoring Namine, and she actually has good facial animation that captures her character this time around!  If only Hayden Panettiere had returned to voice her, then it’d have been perfect.

- The messy Seasalt Trio reunion sequence has been heavily modified so that it’s more coherent as to what’s going on and, while I don’t particularly care for the Seasalt Trio, it does bring them greater closure than they had before so their fans should be happy with it.

- Explorable Scala Ad Caelum, and it’s as grand as I’d imagined it to be.

- Sora being legitimately smart in the solution he comes to at the climax.

- The battle with the Xehanort Replicas, but in particular the part where you play as King Mickey. The Kingdom Hearts franchise hadn’t pulled something that powerful since KH2, and it does wonders at redeeming Mickey’s reputation, which had taken a hit these past 3 years. 

- Via his merged replicas, we finally give Master Xehanort the death scene he deserves: engulfed in a mega blast of light from everyone’s Keyblades which causes him to shatter. It’s also the only time since the original game that repeating “My friends are my power!” works.

- Leon, Yuffie, Aerith and Cid return in “Limitcut Episode”.

- Data Analysis and Data Greeting; the former being a return of the Data Organization XIII type of battles players loved so much in KH2:FM (really, there’s even a datascape-based recreation of the Garden of Assembly and a remix of its musical theme), and the latter being an insanely fun and unique idea that lets you make your own KH adventures, which is far preferable to sticking with this series in the future. Thank you, Cid, you are a true tech genius!

- The final line of the true final scene (whichever version you get). I cannot stop laughing; it’s clear that the game developers have developed a sense of self-awareness and could not resist ending the Dark Seeger Saga with a line that most perfectly surmises the whole thing. 

Cons, otherwise known as Nomura not knowing when to quit:

- The opening sequence of ReMind, which goes from a bullshit new scene with Xigbar and Luxord to that bullshit end scene of KH3 when Sora embarks on his quest to find Kairi via the Power of Waking to a bullshit flashback of Young Xehanort meeting the Master of Masters (huh!?) to a scene where old Master Xehanort is relaying this memory to Saix and Xigbar before the three of them make their plans, which require a lot of exposition. And I thought the first 20 minutes of The Rise of Skywalker went by too quickly while throwing too much at you!

- “Limitcut Episode” begins with Riku finally interacting with Terra, which should be good since it was such an obvious oversight KH3 made. Unfortunately, what they talk about simply amounts to more obnoxious character shilling for Creator’s Pet Riku, continuing to beat in the retcon that started since he met Terra that he always sought “strength to protect his friends”. 

- Well, the justice done to Kairi in “ReMind” sure didn’t last long, because once we get to “Limitcut Episode” we learn that she willingly placed herself in a coma for a year so that Ansem the Wise and co. can study her heart and see if it holds a key to bringing back Sora. She could’ve easily been the one to do all the active stuff that’s being done here at Radiant Garden, her own birthplace, but nope, it’s gotta be Riku because of fucking course it is. 

- Yozora. Just...everything about him and having to do with him. I guess it’s kind of cool that Dylan Sprouse is his English voice actor and he gets to show his range, but otherwise he’s just the worst. Final Fantasy Versus XIII didn’t happen, Nomura. Deal with it and move on!

- Willa Holland, Alyson Stoner, Quinton Flynn and David Gallagher are not even trying here. And yeah, that was true of Holland and Gallagher in the first place, but I got the impression that Stoner and Flynn were at least giving it a genuine shot even if it didn’t turn out that well. The only positive is that David Gallagher playing Riku giving exposition on what everyone has been up to since Sora’s disappearance in “Limitcut Episode” is so bad that it’s hilarious.

- As cool as all of the fixes for KH3′s ending are, they still chronologically transpire after the original ending, so that remains in place as having actually happened at some point. What’s more, the fixes are reliant on further convoluted time travel and the Power of Waking bullshit.

- The nature of the thing. The stuff KH2 was missing that KH2:FM absolutely needed to add in order to fix it amounted to just a higher difficulty mode, a few scenes, a boss battle, a new ability (actually, an old one), and a collection quest added to the worlds. Everything else on top of that was just icing. But the stuff KH3 was missing was on a much more fundamental level that it needed this much of an overhaul. KH2 was a satisfying conclusion to the original trilogy even before it got its Final Mix, whereas KH3 was not a satisfying conclusion to the whole fucking Xehanort Saga until this DLC release, and I’ll never be able to overlook that.

[minaminokyoko]

Pacific Rim: Uprising (A Spoilertastic Review)

This movie should be the ultimate lesson for Hollywood on why you shouldn’t just replace a director who has vision with someone who just wants to make a quick buck in a lazy sequel. My God, I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this utterly annoyed by a sequel. I mean, late sequels have a serious tendency to suck for many reasons: hiring different writers/directors from the previous film, changing the tone, removing important characters and awkwardly jamming new ones in there, relying on boring sequel clichés, or misunderstanding the entire reason why the first movie was a hit. Pacific Rim wasn’t a mega-hit stateside—it did $101 million domestically and did much better in the foreign market with an additional $309 million—but it was easily a fan favorite. Even if I had the full story on what went down between Legendary Pictures and the delightfully talented Guillermo del Toro, there is no excuse why Pacific Rim Uprising is such a pathetic pile of nothing. With del Toro, we had some excellent world building, a basic understanding of the premise, a loose but still adequate story, and characters that were easy to remember and enjoy. We also had a fun cameo from the incomparable Ron Perlman, a fantastic score, and some truly imaginative fight sequences of the Jaegers vs. the kaiju. I’ve said before that I think PacRim is a good movie, not a great movie, only because I felt you could have simply removed Raleigh entirely and focused on Mako and Stacker instead since they were both ten times more interesting and easier to connect with on an emotional level. However, after seeing this nonsense, I have a whole new appreciation for the first film, because at least it told a goddamn story and its characters had personality traits and arcs. Uprising is honestly an affront to what the first film established, not only for retconning things with Stacker’s forgettable son, but just botching every single enjoyable element from the first film.

I’ll get right to the point—yes, the Jaeger/kaiju fights are the main draw for this franchise. Even though I’m going to list why this sequel is godawful, a lot of people really just want to see it for the big fight scenes and that’s all they might want to take away from any reviews. Well, I’m here to tell you, I still don’t think Uprising is worth your hard-earned cash, because it’s frankly a bait-and-switch. The trailer shows you a monstrous kaiju made of three other kaiju, and that sounds amazing, right? Well, it’s intentionally misleading. If you want the full story, check below the spoiler line.

Overall Grade: D

Pro:

-Seriously, the only positive thing to note about this entire film is that the fight scenes were at least adequate. Not good, not great, adequate. When the fights finally do happen, there’s plenty of smashing, and the idea of the kaiju melding into one huge kaiju was at least a nifty idea. It was easily the only thing about the trailer that got anyone’s blood moving and could have built any hype.  However, judging by the movie’s poor opening weekend, enough people could tell something was off about it.

Cons:

-The trailer is misleading. How? Well, there are no kaiju in this movie until the last fifteen minutes. Seriously. They pulled a Huntsman sequel on you guys—promising something that only appears at the end of the fucking movie. All other times, you are stuck with the bland protagonists training or trying to figure out how the rogue Jaeger attacked Sydney. IIRC, there’s only the fight of Gypsy Avenger vs. the rogue Jaeger and then the end with all of them fighting. There’s a brief chase sequence in the beginning with Bland White Child and Stacker-lite, but it’s barely five minutes long and it’s just them rolling away from the full sized Jaeger like Sonic the Hedgehog. Look, if that still excites you, hey, go see it. But to everyone else who doesn’t want to feel ripped off, I’m begging you to sit this one out for this and many other reasons I’m going to outline below. There are only kaiju at the end of the damn movie. It’s Godzilla 2014 all over again—a magnificent creature that is advertised heavily as being in the film, but isn’t actually in the damn thing.

-The dialogue is so painfully cliché that you will roll your eyes so many times they might eject from your skull. Jesus Christ. I swear, it’s like they had a checklist of every action movie cliché they could think of and they made sure to check off every single one. Every line of dialogue in this movie is a sickening cliché. There is not one original thought. Not. One. Every character is flat and some form of a lazy archetype. No one gets any development. It’s Michael Bay-levels of incompetent writing. The movie couldn’t have been any worse written than if there was a room of chimpanzees hammering away at the screenplay. It’s just plain embarrassing. Every moment there isn’t a kaiju smashing something or a Jaeger beating wholesale ass, you will be in massive amounts of pain.

-The fights are mediocre. Remember how carefully staged the fight scenes were in the first movie? Hell, most of the time we can list them off the top of our heads because those fights were so damn memorable. We had the opening montage, the Knifehead fight, the two kaiju vs. the Jaegers, Gypsy Danger vs. Otachi, and then the final brawl underwater at the Breach. Each fight was staged well and paced well throughout the film. You didn’t have to wait too long between fights during the film, and it also entertained you with smaller bits like Mako and Raleigh training or the flashback to Mako’s childhood with that scary crab kaiju. Uprising is a bottom-heavy film, much like the equally terrible Jurassic World (God, talk about another late sequel that entirely misses the fucking point of the original property.) The only difference is at least Jurassic World had enough sense to deliver a powerhouse ending to an utterly stupid film, and Uprising doesn’t. The fights don’t have clever staging, great music, or very much creativity to them. After suffering through two hours with these annoying paper cutout characters, you should deliver the best damn fights we’ve ever seen, but no, they’re just standard hacking and slashing. Punctuated by the intensely annoying, shrieking helium balloon shaped like Charlie Day shouting inane dialogue in his squeaky voice. The fights have zero weight, too, because no one has a character, so you don’t give a shit if they live or not during the fight either.

-Like many terrible sequels, they kill off a main lead from the previous film in order to give the new protagonist some pathetic kind of Mangst. If there is one thing I am sure of, it’s that most fans of the original movie are going to be LIVID they dragged the actress playing Mako all the way back on set just to kill her fifteen minutes in. It’s just insulting. Mako was the fan favorite from the first film. Seriously, she has most of the fandom in her back pocket, so I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of the immediate backlash is because the movie’s disgusting use of Fridging the main female lead from the first movie to make way for Bland White Child and Stacker-lite. It’s possibly the most insulting thing about the entire sequel. Mako deserved better. I’d rather she was out of the movie entirely, like Raleigh mysteriously is, than for them to kill her in such a cheap, stupid way. What a waste of a good actress and a great character.

-Making Charlie Day the villain. Yes, because nothing is more intimidating than a tiny man with the voice of Bobcat Goldthwait spouting dialogue so corny you’d expect it from an Austin Powers movie. Are you kidding me? Look, I get it, Charlie Day is a fan favorite so of course they were going to bring him back, but what the actual fuck made you think he should be the bad guy? It’s weaksauce. It sounds like they were just bored and out of ideas for the villain, as if the fucking kaiju or the Precursors weren’t good enough somehow, and just slapped this idiotic role in his lap. It’s such a bad idea. I hated his character in the first film and wanted him removed entirely, but at least he served a purpose. Here, it’s just lip service. Anyone who liked him in the first one is going to be pissed off at this random turn of the character with no indication of changing him back.

-Thin, boring leads. Let me be clear: John Boyega is not to be blamed for any of why this movie is failing critically and financially. The kid is talented and sweet and I want to pinch his cheeks and feed him apple pie in my kitchen. But he couldn’t save this film because of that rancid excuse of a script. Boyega is a darling on screen in almost everything else, but here, he has nothing to work with. Stacker-lite is just a cobbled together mess of leftover script notes from Chris Pine’s portrayal of Captain Kirk in the Star Trek reboot. He has nothing going for him at all. No motivation, no skillset, no charm. This character is completely empty inside. Bland White Child is the exact same as well; basically just every Little Miss Badass/Underdog stereotype only done amazingly poorly. She has nothing to offer the audience and while she has slightly more motivation than Boyega’s character did, it doesn’t mean anything. Then we have Generic Good Looking White Guy Lead, because for fuck’s sake, it’s not like it’s 2018 and we aren’t tired of seeing him, Generic Latina “We couldn’t get Michelle Rodriguez to do this bullshit so here’s someone else instead” Tits and Ass (who made me even angrier because normally when they have the Hot Latina Military Lady, she gets at least ONE badass moment, but this chick seriously serves no fucking purpose and is relegated to the laziest Hot Girl/Potential Love Interest role of all fucking time), Generic Cadets Who are Carefully Ethnically Diverse (you are fooling NO ONE, sequel; if you’re gonna bother to make them diverse, GIVE THEM ACTUAL CHARACTERS FIRST), Kick Butt Asian Lady (seriously, why the fuck did you cast this lady and kill off Mako? It would make more sense if Mako was in this role, like maybe Raleigh died in the Jaeger and she wanted to make automated Jaegers so no one would ever lose their partner again, there, ah fixed it, you morons), and finally Returning Cast Member Who Looks Tired AF But Needed the Money. It is a headache spending two hours with these characters. You don’t care about any of them and they have nothing to offer you. They’re just constantly stumbling around bumping into things and spouting dialogue from 30 years ago.

If you can overlook all of those flaws for the promise of Jaeger vs. kaiju fighting, have at it. Everyone else, don’t bother. If you’re that curious, wait until this hits a premium channel. I’m extremely glad I saw it for free, because I’d have been pissed paying $10 for this lump of expired crab meat. Save your money and go buy another copy of the first movie.

[aion-rsa]

What Star Wars: Dark Empire Tells us About The Rise of Skywalker

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Dark Empire was one of the early Star Wars expanded universe efforts, and it may have an influence on The Rise of Skywalker.

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Feature

Books

Ryan Britt

Star Wars

Apr 15, 2019

The Rise of Skywalker

With a single cackle, the childhood memories of countless Star Wars fans have been reignited. Though he isn't actually seen in the first teaser trailer for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Emperor Palpatine’s laugh at the end means the darkest of dark side dudes is totally back. And if bringing back the famous Sith Lord feels like the oldest trick in the book, you’re not wrong. But, in this case, the book in question was a 1991-1992 comic book miniseries called Dark Empire, published by Dark Horse Comics back when new Star Wars stories were far more rare than they are today. 

For those who might not remember, Dark Empire focused on the resurrection of Emperor Palpatine after his “death” in Return of the Jedi. Published as a six-issue mini-series from December 1991 to October 1992, it was the first major Star Wars comic book release after the Marvel run concluded in 1986. Written by Tom Veitch with art by Cam Kennedy, Dark Empire was also the first comic book entry into the ‘90s “expanded universe,” which, at the time was brand new. As Dark Empire was coming out, the only other post-Return of the Jedi EU material was the Timothy Zahn Thrawn Trilogy, which began, famously with the novel Heir to the Empire in June 1991, and concluded in April 1993 with The Last Command. Published in the middle of this was the Dark Empire comic series, which, was — in universe — set 6ABY, one year after the events of Zahn’s 5ABY trilogy, despite finishing its run a year earlier in real life.

These days, savvy fans are probably aware that the Thrawn Trilogy has partially been retconned thanks to Rebels and some new in-canon novels. But Dark Empire gets less public love, despite its incalculable influence on canon. While the Clone Wars are mentioned in A New Hope and are central to Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, it was Dark Empire that introduced the idea of cloning a major character, well before the mad Luuke Skywalker (not a typo) clone showed up in Timothy Zahn's The Last Command in 1993. Dark Empire also brought Boba Fett back from the dead, introduced the Smugglers’ Moon of Nar Shaddaa, and created the concept of Jedi Holocrons (really, Holocrons were created by Tom Veitch!). Bad guys also use some creepy attack dogs calle Neks in the opening pages of Dark Empire, which seemed to inspire those scary dogs on Corellia in the first big chase scene of Solo: A Star Wars Story.

And, just like The Rise of Skywalker seems poised to do, Dark Empire brought the Emperor back to life, and tempted Luke Skywalker to turn evil in the process.

The central plot conceit of Dark Empire was that the Emperor had been moving his consciousnesses into a variety of clone bodies for a long time, but because he was such a Dark Side baddass, his evil energy meant he burned through these bodies quickly, making each clone-body age rapidly. This fact made the Dark Side of the Force seem like a drug addiction that ruins your body, predating Mark Hamill’s 2018 comments which likened Luke’s death in The Last Jedi to an overdose. This explanation for bringing back the Emperor — in the flesh — is so good that if The Rise of Skywalker doesn’t copy it — at least a little bit — it will be a shame.  

Aesthetically, The Rise of Skywalker will be nothing like Dark Empire. How could it? The interior art from Cam Kennedy is moody and often monochromatic. In fact, when Luke has a lightsaber duel with a clone of Emperor Palpatine, everything for several panels is nothing but green (other panels are totally purple, and all of it is, in a word, weird). In fact, in terms of a color palette, Dark Empire has more in common with the striking, almost minimalist art direction of The Last Jedi, than the lush organic feeling in the teaser for The Rise of Skywalker. Like bringing an inky, ruminative comic book out into the bright light of desert heat, the tiniest taste of the next Star Wars film feels like the franchise is blending a dark, bittersweet narrative with an Oz-like aesthetic. The Rise of Skywalker looks more like the art of Ralph McQuarrie and Chesley Bonestell than Cam Kennedy. This is likely because J.J. Abrams — at least visually — is less adventurous than someone like Rian Johnson. Still, one aesthetic from Dark Empire has survived, in a roundabout way, to the sequel trilogy: everything about Kylo Ren.

Back in 1991, the Luke Skywalker of Dark Empire dressed somewhere between a half-assed Darth Vader cosplayer and a vampire who goes to techno clubs. So in the sequel trilogy, a cipher for Dark Empire Luke clearly exists in Kylo Ren. In Dark Empire, much of the plot centers on the idea that Luke “pretends” to turn to the Dark Side of the Force in order to take it down from within. Since Kylo Ren’s shocking betrayal at the end of The Force Awakens, fans have floated the idea that he too, is a cynical double agent. Now, I’m not saying this theory is literally true, but the parallels between Dark Empire Luke and Kylo Ren are clearly there.

In Dark Empire, Luke feels like the only way he’ll truly understand his father is to turn the Dark Side and serve Palpatine. Ditto for Kylo Ren’s feelings about his grandfather and serving Snoke. In Dark Empire, Luke is initially confident about his plan, but then, gets a little lost in it, these leads to him getting busted by Imperial Officers who know he’s lying. Kylo Ren has similar power struggles within the First Order. And finally, the only way Luke can be pulled away from the grip of the Emperor is with outside help, which, in the climax of Dark Empire comes in the form of a fully-realized Jedi Knight version of Leia Organa.

For The Rise of Skywalker, all of this feels like a ready-made set-up for the existing characters. Instead of Luke and Leia, you can just swap out Kylo Ren and Rey. The evil Clone emperor can remain the same, mostly because it allows for Ian McDiarmid to return as the cackling old Emperor we all know and love, but then, when the time comes, jump into a younger clone body. This is what Dark Empire did so well, and honestly, if you go back and look at those old panels of the young clone Emperor, you’ll find yourself wondering if Richard E.Grant’s secret character in Episode IX isn’t just the young cloned Emperor.

read more: Complete Schedule of Upcoming Star Wars Movies and TV Shows

So, what does this mean for the plot? How will Kylo Ren react to all of this? It seems like the short answer is: poorly.

Throughout both The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi it’s clear that Kylo Ren thinks the only way to fix the universe is to work from the inside of the Dark Side. This is just like Luke in Dark Empire (and Anakin, obviously)  but it also means that there’s no way Kylo Ren will be happy about the return of Palpatine. In The Last Jedi, Kylo clearly is done with “old things.” If anything, Palpatine represents everything Kylo Ren claims he hates: an obsession with nostalgia and the past. Even so, it feels unlikely that Kylo can take the Emperor on his own. Which means that a team-up between Rey, Kylo Ren, and literally everyone in the galaxy might be the only way to get rid of the Emperor forever.

read more: Why Emperor Palpatine is the Most Entertaining Star Wars Character

J.J. Abrams has said that the new film will feature the “new generation” of characters facing the “ultimate evil.” But, since The Phantom Menace, what’s made the evil of the Emperor so interesting is that we aren’t really even sure what his motivations are. Mostly, characters in Star Wars make deals with Palpatine because he has something they want. Amidala goes along with Palpatine in The Phantom Menace because she needs him politically. Anakin goes to the Dark Side because Palpatine promises him the secret to immortality (pssst...it’s just clone bodies). And finally, in Dark Empire, Luke decided the Emperor had emotional knowledge about the Force that he also wanted. In all of these ways, the Emperor is scary because the good guys tend to really need him.

So, if The Rise of Skywalker takes any one page from Dark Empire, beyond the obvious return of the Emperor, it should be connected to what the protagonists need from the Emperor. Having a villian who is super-destructive is one thing. But having a seductive bad guy who offers good people things they can’t turn away from is much more interesting. Which means the central question about Palpatine in The Rise of Skywalker isn’t really about how the good guys will take him down. Instead, it’s all about what he’ll offer them to join him.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker is out everywhere on December 20, 2019. We have everything you need to know about Episode IX here.

from Books http://bit.ly/2V40CsQ