#after getting hired with an email that was like oh be proud you’re qualified for this!

[humofnight]

always fun to have a new admin nemesis

[lovelyirony]

could you write something for trans pepper coming out to tony please?

authors note: i am not an expert, nor am i trans. please let me know if i have written anything wrong/harmful, and i’ll take it down

When Pepper started at Stark Industries, she told herself that she would not get too involved. She was here to do her job, and nothing else. She had caused “problems” at her last job, and in return they had caused problems for her as well. 

(Sitting by herself at the cafeteria, fielding uncomfortable messages, and correcting intentionally wrong emails had been...exhausting. Mentally and physically.) 

But this? No, this can’t go on. 

The math is all wrong. It’s going to cost the company about a million dollars if she lets it pass, and while she’s sure that it could be replaced easily in a day, that’s the kind of thing that gets you fired. And when employers look at your resume and see that you were terminated from the highest-ranking job to have for an accountant, a prestigious company that takes pride in accurate numbers and satisfied employees? 

Well...it doesn’t look too hot. 

So she brings it up. Her boss isn’t exactly happy with her. She thinks the numbers were probably intentional. 

“I’ve been doing this for years, I think I know a little bit more than you, young lady,” he scowls. 

Pepper’s not exactly fazed at the dismissive remark. 

“Then I’m sure that you’ll know that your math is wrong. It’d be better to double-check it and be right and have me be in the wrong than not check it and be fired.” 

He doesn’t check it. 

But when he’s called into Mr. Stark’s office, he must have mentioned her name. 

He put the blame on her. 

Pepper cannot believe it as she’s called in. 

“So, Mark tells me that you did math wrong.” 

“I didn’t. I triple-checked it, and kept the receipt tape as proof.” 

“Oh, I know. Mark can’t do math for shit, but he hates when people tell him. But I’m glad you did, because it made me realize I can’t have someone who’s so insecure that when someone tells them to double-check it and they don’t because they want to be right, that...I don’t know what I was doing. Anyways, he’s fired.” 

Pepper blinks. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, really. Also, I’m reading your file. Virginia? Did your parents hate you?” 

“Not the worst name I’ve been given,” Pepper says smoothly. 

“Hm. Says here that you go by Pepper. I like that.” 

“Thank you, chose it myself and everything.” 

“And everything?” Tony asks, smiling. “I like that.” 

- 

Four months later, she’s in the break room when Tony’s personal assistant quits on the spot after he’s late for the third time in a week. 

“I can’t fucking do this!” He screeches. “I’m done.” 

Pepper’s not sure why she goes into Jason’s office and just looks at the schedule. 

She calls his cell. 

“Jason, seriously, I told you to quit bothering me.” 

“It’s Pepper. Get your ass over here for your meeting, the board directors are about an inch away from reinstating Obadiah.” 

“And that would be a bad thing...why?” 

“You want your stock points to drop because you’re proving that you can’t be trusted to run a company?” 

“I’ll be there.” 

It’s the fastest time that Tony makes it into the office, by the way. Pepper’s only slightly proud. 

- 

She’s terrified when he offers her a position as a personal assistant. She’ll be in the limelight, people paying attention to her. 

She modifies her contracts: no one is allowed to access any sort of personal information. At all. It has to be locked in a vault, only key is one that she and Tony know about. 

“Anything I should know about?” 

“Um. No.” 

“Oh. Okay. As long as you aren’t secretly running any illegal thing out of one of the floors, then be my guest. But if you are, let me know. Petra in accounting--new hire, you wouldn’t know them--is secretly reselling wedding cakes. I think. Maybe the wedding cakes was a bad lie. Hell. But welcome aboard!” 

Wrangling Tony is a lot like dealing with a goldfish. He’s a genius; she sees that when she walks into his house and sees about seven different projects lying around, and at least two papers that have notes about redoing a filtration system for drinking water. 

He is also incredibly stupid. 

“You have fifteen coffee cups out.” 

“Impossible, I don’t own that many!” 

“Aw, did you not take counting classes in preschool?” 

Tony likes her. A lot. She’s got a bite of wit, no-bullshit when it comes to business, and never misses a beat. She also has a killer sense of style, and is the one who makes sure he’s not wearing a weird mixture of jeans and a sport coat. 

“No.” 

“Come on, it’s not like fashion actually matters that much. Well, not to me.” 

“It should. You should be the most creatively dressed male out there, and you’re not. A black suit? God, that’s...that’s sad. No, I ordered you a blue silk suit. Embroidered with flowers all over, matching shoes with inverted colors. Come on. In you go.” 

“Ugh.” 

(His outfit is a smashing success, by the way. They ask who his stylist is, and he just says “Oh, my personal assistant said she would bury me in my garden if I wore a black suit. I would’ve dug it myself, looking on this now.”) 

- 

She does not tell him for a long time. At all. Because people are...weird about it. Weird questions, weird statements, and compliments so backhanded she doesn’t like to call them compliments. 

But at some point, she needs to tell him. Or she wants to. She wants to, she doesn’t have to. Yeah. 

Okay. So she’s in love with him. A tiny bit. 

- 

He makes her coffee. Every morning. Creamer goes into the mug first, then coffee. That’s the only way she takes it. 

He compliments her a lot, and she knows that this shouldn’t be a reason that love qualifies but it’s nice to hear. He also bought her a very expensive pair of shoes. 

Pepper honestly does want to tell him. She also does not want to lose her job, however. So she needs to gauge the situation. Maybe talk to some of her girlfriends, see what’s up. 

- 

Well then her boss goes missing for months and comes back and obviously you can’t tell someone you’re in love with them after they come back with an electromagnetic device in their chest. That’s just crazy. 

He came back...different. New circumstances, new outlook on life. She relates a tiny little bit. 

She buys herself a beautiful blue dress. He gives her his credit card, tells her to buy herself something nice, and goddammit she’s never been one to really disobey her boss. (Just bend some rules. Or create new ones that negate the old ones.) 

She curls her hair and only curses eight times, which is actually pretty good. Her usual amount of cursing per-curling-session is about eighty-two. 

He looks at her like she’s an angel, and she thinks...yeah. Okay. She’ll tell him that she’s in love with him. 

- 

Well then his uncle decides to attempt to kill him. God, what a mood killer. She hates this. 

- 

They’re laying down in his house on the patio, and he’s sipping on a smoothie that she’s honestly sure is 100% gross, and he turns to her. 

“Would you ever want to go on a date with me?” 

Pepper blinks. 

“Yes,” she says without skipping a beat. “But we need to have a discussion before I dedicate myself to this cause.” 

“What am I, a Salvation Army donation bin?” 

“Maybe.” 

“Then dinner-and-discussion tonight. Not a date. Just...talking.” 

- 

She’s nervous. She’s put her hair up so that she won’t run her fingers through it, but now she’s just fidgeting with her necklace and bracelet. 

Tony looks nice. He’s in a casual graphic tee and old jeans that are older than she actually knew they could hold together. She is in old shorts and a tank top and yeah it’s casual but it’s also nice and wow she’s really over-thought this. 

“So, what are your concerns?” Tony says. Getting to the point straight-away, that’s always his move. Pepper gulps. 

“You mind if I get water?” 

“Not at all.” 

She sips on water. 

“My concern is that I’m transgender and you need to know that before we pursue anything.” 

Tony blinks. 

“Um. Okay. Was not expecting that right out. I was more thinking you would have a problem with my new armor and Rhodey and I being immature when he visits and also how much time I spend on inventing.” 

“Well yeah, those too. But I deal with those all the time. But I’m also concerned about you pissing off the government and them sending secret agents to kill us.” 

Jarvis cuts in smoothly. 

“I am afraid, Miss Potts, that they wouldn’t make it two hundred feet of this current residence. Would you like me to update security protocols at other residences around the globe?” 

“You can do that?” Pepper asks. 

“Yes, Miss Potts.” 

“Please do update, thank you.” 

Tony grins, looking at her. The same way. Which is kind of exhilarating, all things considered. 

“You amaze me. J, remind me that if Pep and I break up, I need to build a bunker that could withstand a nuclear war.” 

“I will not remind you of that, as I’m sure it will be on you,” Jarvis remarks. 

Pepper snorts. 

“I wasn’t aware that I was going to turn my AI against myself,” Tony sighs. “Such is life.” 

Pepper grins. He squeezes her hand. 

“You want to celebrate this with wine? I’m sure tomorrow you’ll have me signing so many forms for workplace relationships that I’ll cry by two p.m.” 

“Make that one p.m., and you’ll be fine you big baby,” Pepper teases. 

Tony blows her a kiss as he gets up from the couch. 

“Thank you. For telling me. I know that that’s hard to tell people. Discuss more of it later, or now?” 

“Mm, later. It’s late at night, I’m tired.” 

“Gotcha. You want red or white tonight?” 

“...Red.” 

Tony grins, getting out the wine glasses. He pours carefully and expertly, and raises his. They clink their glasses together. 

“Cheers to more success. For the both of us.” 

Pepper grins softly. 

“For success.” 

[wickedpact]

anyways @ THE ANON THAT ASKED ABOUT THE GREG RUCKA PODCAST TRANSCRIPT: i did it

Long Ass Post under cut

(literally not kidding there’s an hour long podcast worth of transcript under this cut)

Mimi: Hi I'm Mimi Chan, welcome to culture chat, thanks for joining the conversation. Hi everyone, happy Friday. You might want to watch The Old Guard movie on Netflix before listening today.  You can also read my film review to get hyped up for viewing – which is linked here.

Greg Rucka and Leandro Fernández‘s The Old Guard comic has been adapted to film that is available for viewing on Netflix.  As the writer of both the comic and screenplay, Greg brings insights on the movie and the decisions behind some of the deviations from the comic.

For fans of the comic, have no fear, the characters and story follow pretty closely to the original.  I am fortunate that I developed a friendship with Greg during our weekly conversations and felt comfortable asking candid questions about the adaptation.

Greg shares insights about the film that prompts a discussion on how the film speaks to the crisis our country is currently in amidst the covid19 pandemic and the lack of accountability from our government.

The Old Guard, directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood, is available on Netflix now starring an amazing cast including: Charlize Theron and Chiwetel Ejiofor.

For those that don’t already know: Greg Rucka is a New York Times bestselling author of hundreds of comics and nearly two dozen novels. He has written for film, television, and video games. His career has included critically acclaimed and Eisner-winning work in both the creator-owned and work-for-hire arenas.

I’m loving these conversations and hope you are too.  If you are, please rate my podcast on your platform of choice.

Finally, if you would like to support with a donation, you can become a patron of the show by visiting my website or Patreon.com. For comments or suggestions, please email me at mimi@culturechatpodcast.com or reach out on social media @sifumimichan. Now on with the show! 

 [the phonecall starts]

Mimi: Hello, hello, Greg Rucka!

Greg: How you doing, Mimi?

Mimi:  Great since last week, um, I'm great also because I got to watch The Old Guard!

Greg: [BIG GASP] You did?

Mimi: I did, I did! Apparently I qualify as a real journalist to Netflix. [laughs]

Greg: [also laughs] Right, you sent the media inquiry and they said ‘sure’!

Mimi:  I said, ‘you know, what? It would be great if I actually saw this before talking to Greg, and then I could really have a conversation.’ And I was like, ‘wait, why don't I just check if I can?’ And then naturally--

Greg: Lo and behold!

Mimi: Yeah, if you ask, uh, you know,? That’s when things get done.

Greg: [finishing her 'if you ask' thought] --you shall receive, yeah.

Mimi:  That's right, that's right.

Greg:  It's interesting to me because I know that for some people... you know, they had no problem getting access...

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: And then, you know, the friends and family screenings were a freaking nightmare to arrange.

Mimi:  Oh really?

Greg: And they were like 'oh no you can only give it to only like seven people'

Mimi: Yeah.

Greg: And it's like 'oh hey dudes calm down' but, you know, uh, it won't matter come midnight tonight--

Mimi: That's right!

Greg: --Everyone's gonna have access!

Mimi: That's right. so I was so excited to be able to watch it and, um, man-- I almost feel bad talking to you right now because I feel like you must be really kind of exhausted from talking about the film --as much as you love it! I just I can only imagine that it's been hour after hour after hour of inquiry, so I feel a little guilty.

Greg:  There has been a lot of talking about the movie, yes. There has not been a lot of talking about the movie with you, however, so that that does distinguish it.

 Mimi: Ah, you are too kind to me, too kind to me. So, first of all-- and you're gonna have to sit here and just take it -- I'm just so unbelievably excited for you and a huge congratulations-- I mean-- I already knew from the trailer, that it was going to be a quality and just an intense and well-written film, because you wrote it. But, upon watching it --you know, of course, you know, Oscar [her bf or husband maybe?] got to jump into my media pass. He was privy!

Greg:  I was gonna say, did you say 'you can't come in here while I watch it', you know?

Mimi: I mean, you know-- he's not gonna tell anyone. But we were, we were completely enamored. We were super super excited, and it wasn't just an action film, you know. I think beyond that, what you and Gina brought to it was just-- the strength of the characters, which is something you and I have discussed so much, and how that is what drives a story, and so beyond it being a good movie I just really feel like you were able to tell the story that you conveyed-- not only in the comic, but, you know, come to life. And so I'm, I was, I'm just so excited for you.

Greg:  And I'm delighted to hear it

Mimi: I have been reading reviews-- I wrote my own little review-- you know, since I got the access and all, I felt like obligated but, um, obviously, I'm not the only one with this opinion. You must feel-- I guess validated is the wrong word, because I think, you know where you stand with your work, but it must feel really good being your first screenplay.

Greg:  I-- wow. um. Hm. I -- so Netflix sends, um, an email like on average once a day, sometimes it's been twice a day, with sort of like 'here's the press round up'!

 Mimi: Yeah

Greg: And so I’ve woken up the last couple days to 'here are the reviews!' and I immediately delete. Right? Because I don't want to see them, um... and that's just me, right. That’s just me trying to negotiate how I feel about... reviews and my relationship with them. And, it isn't the most mature way to deal with them, I am the first to admit, um, but I-- for better or worse, I'm in a place where I feel like, well if I invest in a review --that is a positive review-- the amount of work... um... the amount of work required to do the due diligence on the reviewer and also on then, say, negative reviews is such that I just-- I'm not going-- I can't devote it.

Mimi: Right, mm-hm, yeah, it's a rabbit hole.

Greg:  So some of the reviews-- and all that said, some of this stuff is getting to me anyway, right, I mean, I got-- you know people text me and 'oh look here's a review' and it is gratifying as hell. Uh... at the end of the day --and I learned this with my novels pretty early on, is that at the end of the day, you know, a great review is wonderful, and it'll make you feel good about yourself, and maybe it'll sell more books... but at a certain point in -- and you know this-- you've experienced this... as you make the thing, and then at a certain point it goes into the world and all you can do is be like... you know, ‘are you wearing clean underwear and hopefully you'll find a safe home’ [<-- he’s talking like he's the story's mother with that statement]. You know, hopefully-- hopefully there will-- there are people out there that will embrace. So the extension of that is that... Netflix reaches something like 130 million plus households around the world. alright, Um, I'm pretty sure out of a theoretical 130 million people who might see the movie, uh, you know -- I would be surprised if, you know, 30 percent of them didn't-- you know-- couldn't stand it. I wouldn't-- I wouldn't be surprised. Right? There are going to be people who are going to see it and it's not going to be their thing.

Mimi:  Yeah

Greg: they're not-- it's not going to speak to them-- they're not going to like the choices that we made-- that they're going to be offended, or just bored or whatever. And... Can’t do anything about it!

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: All I can do is stand beside the work that we've created and say I am proud of what we did here, and I feel that we, um, we honored the source material, and --I believe -- in many ways improved on it.

Mimi: Yeah and that's something I definitely want to get into. I mean my take was obviously-- I'm a fan of your comics, so I know the comic, I know the story, and the immediate thing as a comic book quote unquote fan is like: you're comparing, right, you're comparing the story, you're comparing the characters-- and, you know, when I wrote my little review I thought about what I could say, you know, I could I could criticize action, I could talk about this... but I really feel -- and this maybe, it's because you and I have been talking for like 11 or 12 weeks straight now, it's literally like... the perfect story at a time when we need it most.  I think there's strong women, there's a diverse cast, and ass kicking to greedy individuals of the world is exactly what we need right now!

Greg: Like oh yeah, there's some lovely wish fulfillment. Yes, you know, it's like 'oh, you know, rich selfish pharma asshole? Yeah oh no you got an axe in your head! Too bad!'

Mimi: I know! I was like, ‘so Greg, so Greg!’ and-- you know, we've talked about this before like now that I'm reading your novels and your prose, it's, it's I hear you speaking to me in my head even though usually it's an audio book-- and so even watching the film Oscar and I immediately were like 'I wonder what pharma did to piss him off recently' and, you know, so it's just it's so great--

Greg: Exist!

Mimi: -- to be able to kind of watch it-- [laughing] Exist, right right.  So, um, so let's talk about--

Greg [gearing himself up]: Let's talk about insulin prices maybe, uh, you know, I mean. Doesn’t take much--

Mimi: Yeah and you and I discussed this, uh, previously as well that you do feel that at the end of the day you wrote a better story, and I already put a disclaimer at the top of this podcast that yeah--

[Both at once] total spoiler alerts big spoiler alerts!

Mimi: --but there's no way I'm not going to talk to you about it! Which is, um, you know, the ending obviously is so, uh, different than what was laid out in the comic. One is, uh, Andy is still bleeding! What the hell! [laughs] so that's the first thing. But my big takeaway and the thing I loved, and I think that was probably a decision by both you and Gina, um, was Nile really becoming kind of the heroine and finding herself in her own, but also really the one to bring everyone back to what was purposeful and what was meaningful-- finding that why, you know, and I think that was a really really powerful choice and I actually really enjoyed that choice. So I was wondering, um, you know, for you of course knowing the story already, and then going 'okay here I am going to adapt' it like at what point did you realize like-- that was something that needed to change?

Greg:  Well, um, I mean if people have been listening to interviews some of this is going to sound a little repetitious. I will say that, you know, the first draft of the screenplay I did with, uh, Matt Grimm(?) as sort of my producer in quotes, at Skydance and when we finished it-- or when I finished it-- and he had given me all the notes and I’d done revisions, and we put it in front of Don Granger(?) at Skydance-- and Granger came back with three notes. And I have dealt with a lot of Hollywood types and in the main-- most of their notes are crap. And Granger has yet to give me a note that wasn't spot dead on. And the biggest of the three was, um, you know, he said-- I really like-- it's really good-- he says ‘Nile has no impact whatsoever on this plot. Um, if you remove her the story changes, but the plot doesn't’. And I sat there and I went-- you know, bewildered -- and I sort of looked at the source material and I was like 'you are absolutely correct. You are absolutely 100% correct'. So the big thing that happened between the first draft and the second draft was that I thought of the second draft as-- this is the Nile draft-- like the first draft had been the Andy story. And then the second draft was me going, ‘okay you have the Andy story, now what is the Nile story? Really really take a look at that and figure out how to bone it up’. So and I honestly think that in large part it was the execution of that, uh, was one of the things that Gina responded to so strongly when she was given the screenplay. And then when Gina came aboard, there was just consistent work in fine-tuning not just Andy and Nile but everybody else's stories throughout the work. But it was, um, it was absolutely, you know, I mean-- it was-- it was-- it was malice of forethought. It was-- it was 'Nile has to be able to shoulder this and we need to serve her well'

Mimi: Yeah and--

Greg:  Andy was never the question, it really was: can we do right for Nile?

Mimi: Yeah no and that really definitely shines through. And I think there's that says so much about you as a writer, as a screenwriter, as a storyteller, because there are a lot of people, um, that would not be able to have that humility in writing and maybe take that feedback and criticism. because, you know, this was not like you adapted someone else's comic, like this was already your comic, you know, so they're basically giving you notes on what's already your story-- and did you find that aspect of it, uh, challenging or was it just kind of second nature-- because I know you as a person, so I know that you would take criticism well, if it is well meant and if it was constructive. but at the same time when you're in it though, and you've put so much work into those drafts--  it's not like 'oh let me just write this' and it takes five minutes, you know? You put so much into it. So how's that process for you?

Greg: You know, it was not-- it wasn't as difficult as some people seem to think it might have been. And maybe it's simply that I'm at an age where I'm able to look at my work with some degree of objectivity and I, long ago, past the point of believing that, uh... that that the work can't be improved. and I went into the process eyes very wide open, you know, I think one of the reasons Skydance was willing to let me write the drafts was because I made it clear up front that I understood... The movie was not the comic. It needed to be a different thing, and one of the things that they were adamant about were the things that I kept. Now, I had a conversation with Granger once where I said 'I'm kind of surprised nobody ever came to me and said ‘you got to get rid of that armored car sequence' and he looked at me and he said 'if that hadn't been in there I would have wanted to know why, and I would have made you put it back. That’s one of the things that we bought' for instance. So I think, you know, if there was anything to recommend me, it was that I entered the process... fully aware that this had to be a different animal.

Mimi: Yeah, yeah.

Greg: And that was liberating. And there are certain things-- for instance, you know, um, in the comic book there's the sequence in the Paris safe house on the stairs in the apartment. And when Charlize came on one of the first notes was 'we're gonna have to change that sequence'. Because in recent memory Charlize Theron has done a pretty intense action sequence--

Mimi: Yeah.

Greg: --coming down the stairs in an apartment.

 Mimi: Atomic Blonde, yeah

Greg: You got it! And it was like oh that-- that's a gimme. And the result of that was the discovery of Goussainville right, which is this real town 30 minutes outside of Paris that is a ghost town; it's been a ghost town since the early 1970s.

Mimi: Wow, yeah it was a beautiful location

Greg: Yeah and-- and the place is real, and they didn't shoot in Goussainville. They shot-- they shot that at the same place where they shot the medieval castle flashbacks. 

Mimi: Okay. 

Greg: That's all the same estate.

Mimi: Nice, nice.

Greg: It's about an hour outside of London. Which gives you an idea of the magic--

Mimi: Of the magic of movies yeah! And do you feel like maybe because your experience as a comic book collaborator... like you have to collaborate. I’ve learned about this a lot more as I’ve spoken to so many creators -- like you and Michael for instance-- on Lazarus, like the way you collaborate, it's not 'I write you draw, period' like-- you-- there's a lot of back and forth, a lot of questioning of your decisions and-- ‘arguing’ may be the wrong term, but, you know, there is a lot of, uh, collaboration in terms of Michael giving you feedback and vice versa, and not feeling like 'oh you're stepping in my territory'. Do you feel like that is probably something that maybe even conditioned you for the screenwriting process?

Greg:  I think so. If -- I mean-- I don't wanna-- I don't wanna pat myself on the back over much. But I do think that I am, um, I think I'm certainly a willing collaborator if not always a good collaborator on projects. Um, that if the people I am working with... want to engage that collaboration, I tend to respond to it very well. Um, and I think that's something that absolutely was learned through comics. And I can think, you know, immediately of Gotham Central which doesn't exist if Ed Brubaker(?) and I don't learn how to work together with Michael Lark(?) very quickly and very adeptly--which to this day, is one of my favorite collaborations in comics ever. I don't think you get to work, like, 52 for DC, um, if you don't learn how to collaborate, and to collaborate well.

Mimi:  Exactly.

Greg: Which isn't always which isn't always saying 'yes and' sometimes you have to put your foot down and say 'no but'

 Mimi: Yeah.

Greg: Um, and there were plenty of arguments to be had, you know, in the process of this. Um, but most of those arguments frankly didn't occur until really late in the stage, and they were always focused to the same end. It was never-- that-- there was never an argument about, um-- there was never an argument about intent. there was always an argument about 'what's the best way to do it' right, 'what's the best way to execute' and, you know, I lost as many of those as I won, and... In the end... it seems to have all worked out, because, you know-- it is by no means a flawless motion picture. But I think it absolutely is a successful film. I think it does, it does, it tells its story well, it is moving, it is exciting, it is fun, it has a heart to it...and it leaves you with some questions! And they're not just plot questions-- that-- it leaves you with some stuff that if you are inclined to think about, there's a lot there's a lot to unpack.

Mimi: Absolutely. Yeah. I mean... the question, of course, that whole immortality-- like some people immediately will be like 'of course I’d want to be immortal' I'm like 'but would you want to watch everyone you know die?' and then 'all right would you be alone' and, you know, of course Booker's-- you know, um-- punishment, have you, of being alone quote unquote for a hundred years... I mean a hundred years, you know, you think-- that's a long time.

Greg:  Right.

Mimi: And so, uh, I do have to ask though what's up with Andy! Like --you're-- you left us in such a --in such a state! Oscar’s like 'you have to ask Greg what's going on with Andy' or do we not-- we cannot go there?

Greg: Look, the film has a very obviously-- very obvious 'in case of sequel break glass' scene. Right, I mean-- and that's how I've been referring to it.  The 'emergency sequel' button is right there. And all they have to do is go 'beep' and you have your entree into another story. Um, the question about Andy really is whether or not the immortality is the thing that matters, right. Where she is left at the end of the film, I think, asks some really cool questions about who this woman gets to be moving forward. Um, and should we be able to do a sequel, you bet your ass we're going to interrogate the hell out of that. Um, but... one of the things that I particularly like about the movie-- and I say this with the, you know, 'in case in case of sequel break glass' proviso, is that the movie doesn't need a sequel. The movie has an ending, it is a complete work. It does not say, uh, 'unless there is a second story this story doesn't have merit or value or mean anything'.

Mimi:  Right.

Greg: It stands absolutely on its own.

Mimi: Yeah.

Greg:  Um, should there be an Old Guard 2, then I suspect an Old Guard 2 is gonna be arguably contingent on making an Old Guard 3. That, once you enter into a second part you are actually saying 'we are we are talking about, uh, a collection, we're we're talking about a completion here' and that movement in that structure is in act 1 and act 2 and act 3. But as it stands now as you walk away from it-- all right, so maybe Andy's gonna die. You know, maybe the next day she crosses the street she's hit by a truck.

Mimi:  I'm gonna guess no on that!

Greg:  But maybe. Or maybe, maybe she gets to go for 50 years, you know, and die of old age. Finally.

Mimi:  Right, um, and I liked what she said, when there was that realization point by others that, you know, she was possibly losing her mortality and she said 'it doesn't matter, we go in the same way, and we come out the same way, as we always did' so nothing changes.

Greg: ‘This changes nothing’

Mimi: ‘This changes nothing’. And that really resonated with me because you kind of go ‘okay it's not about the immortality or the magic or the fighting or any of that', you know, it's like, who she is and what her purpose is has been-- you know, it was just I thought it was really--

Greg:  Well and I think thematically right, um-- hold on a second sorry-- um, I think, um, thematically that that is the crucial thing right? Um, it is an issue of -- okay at the end of the day... you can strip away the whole immortality of this movie and it's still saying the same thing. And it is saying that how you live your life matters. And the decisions you make, and the choices you make, and the ways you... choose to help people, matter. And they matter beyond an accounting you will ever be privileged to see. And the... obvious and I suppose easy, um, analogy for that right now is the act of wearing a mask in public. 

Mimi: Yeah.

Greg: Your decision to wear a mask in public may save the life of somebody literally on the other side of the world.

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: And that may be the person who will cure cancer, I mean, to draw it really big.

Mimi:  Yeah yeah that's the ripple effect.

Greg:  Right yeah, we don't know the value of the life. And I’ve talked about this as well but, you know, if you use the good place, um, term of moral desert--

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg:  --if you're trying to live your life in search of moral desert then-- you-- that's a fine reason to do good things, but it is a flawed motivation. That the motivation needs to be 'we do the best we can and we try to help others because that is what we should do'. And what the film is able to say 'is these people have been around long enough that it is possible to see it'

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: But that isn't the reason you do it, right. And Andy says --and I think this is important she says that to Booker-- you do it on faith. You know, she says to Booker, 'have a little faith, Book'. Um, that she has come through all of this with this reaffirmation, that there is that... there is a worthiness to the effort itself. That we engage in the struggle for the sake of the struggle. And I can't think of anything frankly more resonant in July of 2020 than that right now. We are living in a time, in a place that is genuinely the worst it has ever been in modern history. I mean it genuinely is.

Mimi: Yeah.

Greg:  We're looking at this-- this makes the start of World War II look like a fucking picnic. The crises that the world is facing and the bad actors who are attempting to keep it going, who are actively fighting attempts to fix it, uh, is staggering. We are facing a banality of evil at this moment that is incomprehensible, if you really start to think about it. And it is on every fucking level, you know, it's it is from foreign students we're going to kick out of the country--

Mimi:  I know that's infuriating.

Greg: The only reason to do that is to kill higher education, at a time when higher education is its most vulnerable. It’s the only reason to do it.

Mimi:  Yeah, it's all insidious

Greg: That is-- that is a-- that is a direct, direct attack on the intellect of the country. It is it is an attack trying to make the United States dumber, because the stupider we get the easier we are for these fucking fascists to control. Right, we have-- we are at war with Russia, but we have the GOP and the president refusing to admit it, because they work for Russia.

Mimi:  Yeah yeah.

Greg:  Right, but we are at war with Russia right now. All right, there's no question. We have a president who is actively promoting a white supremacist agenda, because he wants a race war, because he wants a civil war, because that way he won't have to lose the election and he won't have to leave, because if he leaves he's going to get raped to death when he goes to prison.

Mimi: Tell me how you really feel, Greg!

Greg:  We are-- we are literally at a staggering crisis.

Mimi:  Yeah yeah no, and when you're explaining all of those things about the film that was exactly what I was thinking was, well and that is why it's so frustrating when something as simple as, I hear people say ‘well I don't believe I should have to wear a mask' that's why it's so infuriating-- [they talk over each other a little]

Greg: --selfish thing to do

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: It is a staggering selfishness. I-- [mocking] 'oh it's hard for me to breathe wearing a face mask' it's like, 'you're the same guy who won't wear a condom because it doesn't feel good!’ you know, and it's like-- and-- I’ve got no tolerance for that, I literally have no tolerance. You know, you can't do-- it's funny, you're asking ER people to do it 24 hours a day.

Mimi:  Exactly

Greg: They seem to manage it!

Mimi: Have you seen, uh, Jon Stewart lately, he's been doing a lot of interviews and there was this one where he's like 'yeah, I mean what happened to wearing a mask as like a sign of a medical professional? So the next time you go to surgery you're to tell your surgeon 'don't you dare wear a mask, get that liberal shit away from me, because I'm an American, I don't need your mask--'

Greg: '--I don't need you I’ll take those dreams(?)--'

Mimi: Yeah yeah

Greg: It's bullshit, it's selfish bullshit, and it's propaganda.

Mimi: Yeah right.

Greg: And it comes down from, you know, it comes down from, you know, the hissy fiddler in chief.

Mimi:  Yeah. Lack of leadership.

Greg:  Exactly.

Mimi:  I'm living in it in Florida, too. Let me tell you that that trickle down is no joke, here.

Greg:  I hate to tell you, Mimi, but [sarcastic] thank you, Florida. You know. Florida: the reason why the rest of the country can't have nice things.

Mimi:  I know! Florida wins, every time it's so embarrassing!

Greg: I would be, I would consider moving [if he lived in Florida], simply because I would be infuriated.

Mimi: I know and, you know, I thought about it in 2016, but then I thought ‘I will stay and fight!’ because of you! You’re the one that wrote at the end of Lazarus to stay and fight, and now it's your fault that I'm staying! [Both laughing] 

Greg: But see and here's the thing, right-- we can, we can rag on Florida, easy target, the fact of the matter is there are plenty of Floridians who are wearing masks and looking around and being like 'what the hell is the matter with you guys'.

Mimi: Yes! So we're trying! We’re trying!

Greg: And this is the other thing the vast number of people who are trying to do right, the people who do have empathy, the people who do care, we outnumber these guys! But the problem in being in a situation where we're all in it together is it doesn't take many people who say 'I'm not in it with you' to fuck it up for everybody else. That’s the problem. And then that is tied to the fact that those of us who do look at one another with empathy are resistant to-- for instance, taking a baseball bat to the people who are ruining for the rest of us. And this is one of the things frankly that we need to get over. We need to get to a place where it is not-- it is not tolerated. We need to get to a place where-- and the starkest example is this, you know, if you're going to pull out that racist bullshit somebody needs to hit you. There was a time when racists were scared and the reason they were scared was because they got punched in the mouth. And we stopped punching Nazis in the mouth!

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: we've stopped punching Nazis in the mouth! And we have spent way too long right now trying to reason with people when they are working from a place that defies reason. If you start your argument with 'you don't have a right to exist'. I'm not going to convince you! I have no obligation to convince you! None! None whatsoever! You look me in the eye and you say 'because you're Jewish you should die,' I get to say, 'guess what, here's the baseball bat'. That does not engage me. I will engage you about policy decisions.

Mimi:  Mm-hmm yeah.

Greg: You know, Mark is fond of saying-- I remember he said 'I missed the days when I used to be able to argue with my republican friends about policy'.

Mimi: Yeah yeah I know.

Greg: You can't do that anymore, now it's about ideology and it's not even valid ideology. It is a demonstrably invalid ideology and we know it.

Mimi: Yeah yeah yeah the moral compass has been completely destroyed.

Greg:  And we know how that happened and we know why that happened.

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: And we all know that Mark Zuckerberg is not doing anything to fix it, because Mark Zuckerberg is a chicken shit.

Mimi:  Oh you mean 'Mark Zuckerberg, comma, the known pedophile'? Who doesn't believe in checking facts?

Greg: Yeah. I'm talking about Mark Zuckerberg, who was recently seen having sex with dead goats.

Mimi: [laughs] That one, okay got it. [laughs again, pause] so, uh……... The Old Guard... I'm just kidding!

Greg: No, but, okay but to bring it back around, I think that... look, there's one of the things that I love about the movie, and I think Gina and especially Charlize's performance, carries is the melancholy of it. But to end the movie on this note that Nile brings. This grace note that is, I think, it's not a call to arms, but it is an affirmation of what we can do. It doesn't matter, it literally is-- take away their immortality, the message is the same. and I'll take that message right now, man, without hesitation.

Mimi: Yeah it's true, she made the choice to get into the fight and to, you know, back up her team, her new family basically is what it is and, um, I would be amiss if I didn't talk about my unbelievable love for Nicky! [pause] and Joe! I, oh my god, [fangirling intensifies] so I loved it as much in the comic, but seeing it on screen... There was just something very magical for me, especially, you know, the scene in the truck and Joe does his 'my boyfriend' speech. you know, I-- oh my gosh. I think I rewound and rewatched that part because it was just so beautiful and so perfectly executed and, um-- that relationship to me, is just that's what I need right now. Like I need to believe in love, and I need to see, um, the happy parts of the film.

Greg: Marwan killed that, but I gotta tell you, one of my favorite moments is the moment when they're in the lab and, uh, and Nicky being like, 'much as I like watching you sleep...' and just the warmth between them on that and, you know, 'I’ve been thinking about Malta' and 'which time in Malta' and--

 [both, very cutely] 'Ah that time in Malta!'

Greg: Yeah and I just, you know, Luca and Marwan. I look-- the casting on the movie is superlative. I just --I cannot imagine how they could have cast better. But the genuine friendship between Luca and Marwan, behind the scenes. They were, you know, they were going out and drinking at night, and Leandro has a photo of the two of them, uh, between setups outside of the soundstage at Shepparton, and they're kicking a soccer ball back and forth! They just, you know, they just loved each other as people. 

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: You know what I mean? They were tight.

 Mimi: Yeah yeah it translates! It really, it really translates on film. Like it's, you know, obviously maybe they're not like in love and like this couple, but you could see there's this chemistry, and they're friends, and there's a love for one another and, um, oh gosh it really translates. And so yeah-- I oh-- I just want to take Nicky home with me.

Greg: There is a shot-- it's one of the last--it's the last, I think, solo shot on Luca and it's the moment when he's looking at the sociogram, and he's just got his head cocked to the side... and it is... it's one of those things that you can only do in film, right, because it's --literally the camera, he is looking past the camera at this thing that the audience isn't seeing, and all it is him looking at it, and it's not like his he's doing facial calisthenics or anything.

Mimi: Right yeah

Greg: And I look at that shot and I just adore him-- and I can't even tell you-- I don't know if he was acting. It looks like acting to me!

Mimi: Right yeah Luca did such a spot on--

Greg: But that look in that moment. And me-- I just go-- like oh my god. He is so good.

Mimi: Yeah yeah.

Greg: He is so good.

Mimi: So let's talk a little bit about being on set because I know that you, uh, of course it's Stump Town but you weren't as involved in it the way that you were with this film being the screenwriter... um, you know, what was just kind of some memorable moments for you or what challenging moments even?

Greg: Challenging moments? Okay, um, this is gonna get me in trouble. I’ll tell you-- so I’ll tell you a couple of my favorite stories. Um, challenging was-- there were a lot of night shoots. And it was roughly, you know, I mean we're talking on the ninth, and I think I got back from England almost a year ago tomorrow, right. And I had been in England for about four or five weeks working on the film. And, a lot of those were night shoots on location. And that meant that you would, you know, end up going out during the day and you would have to wait until full dark in England, in summer. So there was literally shooting on the shortest night of the year, you had three and a half hours of darkness in which to shoot. And it gets a little bit of a grind.

Mimi: Yeah.

Greg: You know, you're out there, and you're tired, and it is late, and it is cold, and there are only so many, you know, Americanos you can get from craft services (?) [laughs] yeah, um, and that was... that was exhausting. Um, I will tell you the best day I had.

Mimi: Yes.

Greg: Um, and this is going to piss people off, if they ever hear this and they won't so. Um, Mark Evans is this wonderful wonderful man, who was the producer on the movie. He was the guy on the ground. And when I arrived there had been, um, I mean-- so the long and the short of it is this:  I got fired from the project in January of 2019. They brought in another writer for about six to eight weeks, they fired that writer. They brought in another writer, uh, and at that point Gina was re-engaging me. And then I ended up, by the time I was back out there, I was rehired on the production. But in that interim of like two and a half, three months, there had been different scenes and variations on the script. And so when I arrived the draft was this Frankenstein thing that was some of my original stuff, and some of the stuff Gina had done, and some of the stuff the last writer had done, and then the stuff that I had been doing throughout May and into June before I got there. And we ended up, um, on this day and it was super hot, and it's the sequence when they are filming-- it's the sequence outside of Andy's mine. And it was the arrival at the mine and then it's the scene with Andy and Nile outside of the mine. And those were shot at a quarry, um, in or near... I want to say Sussex.

Mimi:  Okay.

Greg: So it's about an hour and a half outside of London and it is already scorching hot as we're headed out there. And we all know it's going to be all day, because we're going to have to, um, set everything up to then shoot dusk as dawn, right?

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: So I'm staying at this hotel and they have a driver, you know, the driver was assigned to me and I forget his name-- he was lovely, it was this great guy, and these guys are all interesting anyway, like the set drivers-- there's a whole discussion to be had about these guys. This guy is terrific, and we're driving down and we're talking, because I like talking to these guys, and, you know, I'm not going to be able to write in the car because I'll throw up everywhere. And he tells me that, oh yeah, you know, his parents moved down here and this and that, and I knew going out that day that Mark and I were going to spend the day in a trailer trying to compile everything into one collective draft. And I already wasn't looking forward to that, because I’d be like 'I'm gonna be in a goddamn trailer all day doing that. I don't wanna...’ [grumbles].  But I said to him 'wait a minute you're from around here?' he says 'oh yeah, you know.'[pause] '...you know, any good pubs?' and he says, 'uh, I do, yeah, there's a great old pub I can think of' and I say 'okay'. So we get to the location, and we are in the middle of nowhere because it's a FUCKING quarry.

Mimi:  Right.

Greg: And base camp where they put the trailers is literally a mile from where they're shooting.

 Mimi: Okay

Greg:  Right because you have to go up this hill and up these little roads to the quarry. It’s an old quarry. and I get there, and nobody's around, and one of the assistants says 'oh Mark's over there' and I go okay and I go to Mark's trailer and I knock on the door, and I open the door, and he's sitting there. And it's not glamorous. Understand these are not the movies star trailers, these are not airstream trailers, these are absolutely no frills-- like there-is-a-bathroom-and- two- tables trailers, right? There's nothing sexy about them. This is not--I know what people think of when they go oh 'you're in a [noises]'. No! This trailer-- I mean Charlize may have had a glorious trailer--

Mimi: Right, this was not Charlize's trailer

Greg: Yeah Kiki might have, you know, I don't know--

Mimi: This is more like a middle school trailer.

Greg: Exactly. The example is this is the kind of trailer that they bring to the elementary school when they've run out of classrooms, right

Mimi: Right.

Greg: Right and so Mark's sitting there. And he's-- and the thing about Mark is he's got so much energy, and he says 'Rucka!' and I say 'Mark! ...let's go to a pub.' and he goes '...can we do that?' and I say 'do we have to be here today to do this? There a reason you have to be here, in this trailer, to do this work?' and he goes '...let's go to a pub!'. So we find the driver, and I say to him-- I think his name was Steve-- and I say 'Steve, can you take us to that pub?' and he says 'yeah!'. So we get in the car-- and we drive, and it takes about 20 minutes, and about 15 minutes into the drive Evans is looking at me like 'this is not go-- I thought it was nearby'. And, you know, its like-- it is nearby, but these are little narrow roads --

Mimi: Right right.

Greg: --the driver had to orient... and we finally get to this place-- this beautiful old pub up on top of this hill--

Mimi:  Wow.

Greg:  --in Sussex, on the hottest day of the year so far, underneath these trees, at these benches-- and this is an old pub, like they closed at like two and didn't open again until five and we got there at like 1:30. So we got there, we get lunch, we get a plate, and we sit out there and we work until like 5:30-6. And about halfway into this Mark's like 'we're gonna get in so much trouble for doing this'. It’s my favorite day on this set right now. literally lo and behold by about the time five o'clock, six o'clock, rolls around he's starting to get calls from his assistant being like 'they want to know where you are'.

 Mimi: Right. [jokingly] 'We’re working offset!'

Greg: And we did! We got it all compiled and then we drove back to location and-- we were there when they did the actual shooting and everything. But that was, and will probably be to the end of my days, one of my most favorite film experiences, which is the part of making the movie where we got to go 'we get to go do this now'

Mimi:  Yeah yeah.

Greg: You know, and that was, it was a treat. I loved it.

Mimi: I love that, yeah. And it's so great because you needed some creativity. Like a trailer just doesn't do it, so I thought that made it a lot of sense. How much fun, though, because I often hear that when people are filming in different places, you don't get to explore in the way that you would like to. So it's nice that you kind of were able to take a mini break. A one day break.

Greg: But it really was --and I do kind of mean it-- was a present.

Mimi: Yeah.

Greg: I have photos from time on set, and there's a shot... the house that was used for Merrick’s apartment, is called the jura house, and it's apparently owned by some Russian oligarch, and it's a very shi-shi, fancy, you know, 800-architectural-awards house.

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: And I have a photo of Evans and me-- I think Leo took it --and we're literally sitting on the floor, in the basement, which is where all the monitors were set up, as they're filming upstairs... backs to the wall, each of us with our laptops on our knees, each of us using these, uh, rifle bags that have been doubled and tripled over as pillows. And that's the experience on The Old Guard. It’s literally [?? I’m not sure what he said, ‘doing our best’ maybe ??] and, um, yeah, so yeah.  It is a remarkable-- and you know this, you made a movie-- it's a remarkable amount of hard work. You come out of the experience going-- and I’ve said this before-- once you are involved in the making of a movie, you can never walk away going 'god how do they manage to make such a bad movie?' The question is always 'how did they manage to make a movie?'

Mimi:  Yeah.

Greg: The mere act of forcing this kind of bizarre storytelling into creation... is it's staggering. It defies any realm of logic... the precision required, the commitment required, the attention required, to create something that's going to exist on somebody's eyeballs for a second or two or three. Shot by shot. You know, um, it's insane.

Mimi:  Yeah it is, yeah and there's so many moving parts, you know, and you're such a huge part of this one and so I'm so excited to see how well it came together. and it-- from what you could see, because you were saying 'oh, you know, everybody was close on set they were playing soccer and all these things' and it's like, you can see that it's a film that has, you know, cohesion. like it's very well put together, like you could feel that everything was in its place, like I could see you got along with Gina, I could see that, you know, you could see each part was where it needed to be, because seeing sets that fall apart-- and you-- it isn't a question of how movies fall apart and they don't, you know, go from one process to another, there's no, um, you know, synergy between the people working. But it really really did come together and I'm super super excited for you, and excited for the sequel! My my only thing--

Greg: Potential! [sequel]

Mimi: Potential! Oh I think I think that, uh, viewers are going to want more. like I said, it's a film that we do need right now and I think it's a refreshing, uh, type of thing where we can kind of just take a moment away and be lost in a film. I think that's a gift, because I find that that doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to these days! Uh, but, um, but yeah the casting, everything was beautiful, and I'm so happy for you, as a writer but also as a filmmaker now. My only quarry, my only disappointment is I was not around to, um --especially since there could be a sequel-- to at least audition for Qynh because I know there's some awesome sword work that could be coming in the future! And I'm so like-- but I'm super excited because Veronica, you know, the little we did get to see of her, she did a fabulous job! But I was like 'man I would have liked to throw my hat in for that one'. [laughs]

Greg: Gotta talk to your agent!

Mimi:  I know!

Greg: I didn't have anything to do with casting!

Mimi: I know, I know, I know. No, but it's super exciting to see kind of that how it all comes together. Especially reading it, right, because of course like I said, I've read the rest of the comic. I know the new one just dropped!

Greg:  Yeah, issue five will be out next week.

Mimi: That's very exciting! So yes so, uh, listeners go ahead and grab that! Get the whole thing though, so you could see it from beginning to end! Because, uh, it does kind of complement seeing the movie, you know, it complements it. You get that backstory, you kind of get the feeling for the characters in a different way, and like you said they're different mediums. Um, but both really amazing stories, and a lot of fun to, um, to be a part of. And to experience so super exciting [they both make weird excited noises] so, uh, hopefully we'll talk again next week, I know you have been going crazy with all these interviews but, um, everybody go and watch The Old Guard right now! Because it is available, you can turn on your Netflix and you don't have to wait, it's right there!

Greg: Right there!

Mimi: Right there for you!

Greg: In fact you won't even have to search for it!

Mimi: No, it's gonna be number one!

Greg: It's gonna shove it in your face!

Mimi: Yeah it'll be recommended for you, and, um, I also, uh, you know, as a filmmaker. I know that you guys don't need as big of a push because it's Netflix and all but, you know, give it a little rating! Go on to imdb and give it some love. Um, because why not? [laughs] Alright Greg, I don't want to take up much more of your time, I think you need to unwind and enjoy this. Congratulations on your film and, uh, we're super excited for it!

Greg: Thank you Mimi!

Mimi: That's all for today's episode! Thanks for listening to culture chat and hope you enjoyed the conversation.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Eighty Five

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

August 31st, 2000

Remy tried not to worry too much about the manager’s shrewd gaze on him. He didn’t have much work under his belt, but he knew that he had enough to qualify for the position here. And it would help him pay his way through college, which he desperately needed.

“You’re hired,” the manager said. “You can start work next Tuesday, all right?”

“Sounds good, thank you,” he said, standing up and shaking the manager’s hand.

“You know enough from your time being a barista in high school to not have me fire you on the first day, and frankly, that’s all I need right now,” the manager said. “Don’t disappoint me.”

“I won’t,” Remy promised.

  April 30th, 2003

Remy looked at the papers in front of him, then up at the squirming college freshman in the chair in front of him. “So, you don’t have any previous work experience?” he asked.

“No, sir, but I catch on quick,” she said eagerly. “I know my classes mean I would work odd hours, but I’m available any time that I’m not in class.”

Remy nodded, looking at the papers again before sighing. “Right, I’m going to level with you, Chrissie,” he said. “This whole place hasn’t even opened. I’m currently working two barista jobs elsewhere just to get the funds to run this place. I don’t have the money to afford to pay someone who can’t do their job right.”

Chrissie winced. “Does that mean that I don’t get the job?” she asked.

“It means you have to prove to me that you really do catch on quick,” Remy said, standing. “Come on, out to the front. My second-in-command can help show you the ropes, and I’ll see how quickly you really catch on.”

“Thank you!” Chrissie exclaimed.

“Don’t thank me yet,” Remy laughed. “You still have to meet August.”

August was out cleaning the counters and sipping on a coffee when Remy brought Chrissie out. “August, show Chrissie the ropes, will you? We need to see if she can catch on quick.”

“Yeah, ‘course,” August said. “Okay, so, grab an apron and tell me what you know about being a barista already.”

Remy tuned out what Chrissie already knew and looked out onto the evening streets. A few people were looking inside the windows curiously as they passed. Sleep Easy was as good as opened in just a week, and Remy had poached everyone he could from his other two jobs, and was trying to fill up the extra spaces needed in the roster as quickly as possible. It was no secret to anyone in town that Remy was opening a shop. The college kids were talking about it, his friends refused to shut up about it, and rumors were floating around the local high school from the college kids’ younger siblings. He had the younger crowd hook, line, and sinker. He had no doubt opening day was going to be busy.

As it was, he had one opening left, and none of the other interviewees he had taken on had made the cut. Chrissie was just determined enough that he was willing to give her a chance, but most of the kids who came here didn’t even bother changing out of jeans for their interview, and Remy was more than a little discouraged at trying to find good help.

Remy was pulled from his reverie as a cup was placed in front of him on the counter by August. He thanked her and took a sip. Something about it tasted...different from the cups she usually made. It wasn’t bad, though. It tasted a little richer than normal. “Might have put in a little more milk than in my recipe, August, but that actually tastes better than the recipe usually does. Good call.”

“Wasn’t me,” August said with a beaming smile. “That cup was entirely made by Chrissie.”

Remy’s eyebrows shot up as he looked to the sheepish girl behind the counter. “That’s it, you’re hired,” Remy said. “I’ll grab a print-out of the recipes for you to look over before opening day, but you’ve got a gift, girl, and I don’t want that to go to waste.”

“Thank you!” Chrissie exclaimed. “I won’t let you down.”

“I know you won’t, I’ve tasted your coffee,” Remy laughed, walking back to the office and grabbing a hand-out, passing it to her. “I have your email, keep an eye out for when the opening week’s schedule goes out, all right?”

“Got it!” she said, taking off the apron. “Am I free to go?”

“Yeah, you’re good,” Remy said. “Tell all your friends about opening day if they’ll listen, yeah?”

Chrissie nodded, beaming, and took off from the shop. August grinned as Remy continued to sip at the coffee. “We’re gonna crush this, Remy,” she said.

“Oh, for sure,” Remy agreed. “This is gonna go great. I just hope that it stays great.”

“Well, it either stays great or you crawl back to your old job,” August said. “And it’s no secret among the workers that you hated the upper management. You’ll make this work just so that you don’t have to go back to them asking for your job back.”

“You’re right, but do you have to say it?” Remy asked, shaking his head.

August laughed and the bell door jingled as Remy’s favorite person walked in. “Hey, Rem, how’d the interviews go?” Emile asked.

“Pretty good! Got the last hire I needed to start,” Remy said with a grin. “It’s exhausting work but we’re getting there! Beginning of May we’ll be able to open, and hopefully we won’t go under by June.”

“You won’t,” Emile said. “You’ve put too much work in. You’ve got all your failsafes in place. You’re a shoe-in for the hole-in-the-wall coffee shop of the year award.”

“Shut up,” Remy laughed.

“Not a chance, Rem, I’ll sing your praises for years to come,” Emile laughed.

Remy rolled his eyes. “Whatever. August, you ready to head out? Thanks for talking to the interviewees today.”

“Yeah, I should head home,” August said, stretching. “Thanks for paying me to be here. Can’t wait for opening day.”

“That makes two of us,” Remy said with a grin.

August left and Remy and Emile finished the last of the clean-up before heading home. “You told Toby about the opening day, right?” Emile asked.

“Yup, called him the night before last, he promised to come and take pictures,” Remy said with a smile. “He’s going to take so many pictures, it could probably fill up a whole SD card just from that day.”

“I think he’s bringing two, just in case,” Emile laughed.

“Of course,” Remy said, shaking his head fondly. He sighed, eyes drifting beyond Emile to the street outside.

“Oh, I know that sigh,” Emile said knowingly. “What’s eating at you, Rem?”

“I just wish...that my parents weren’t the way they were. That they could be proud of me for getting as far as I have, you know? I know that it’s useless wishing for that, because they never would, but...sometimes I can’t help it.”

“Hey, wanting people to be proud of you is normal. It’s human,” Emile said, as they walked outside. “The fact that your parents never were is just wrong. I hate that they hurt you to that extent. It’s not fair on you.”

Remy nodded. “At least Toby is proud of me. But Toby can’t replace my parents.”

“Nor should he,” Emile agreed. “It’s not his job to raise you.”

Remy grimaced. “Every once in a while, I’m acutely aware of how much my childhood sucked.”

“Is this one of those times?” Emile asked.

Remy nodded.

“Would cartoons and snuggles under a warm blanket help?”

“I don’t know,” Remy sighed. “But I don’t think so, this time.”

Emile chewed his lip, but didn’t say anything as they got to the car. Remy sighed. “I can hear the gears whirring in your head, mio amore, what’s eating at you?”

“Do you ever consider...going back to therapy?” Emile asked slowly.

“No,” Remy said, shaking his head. “I don’t need a therapist right now, Emile. I appreciate that you’re worried about me, but...I don’t think this is a fixable problem. I just...I don’t. It’s a problem I’ll probably have the rest of my life, and I can’t figure out how anyone would be able to make it better just by talking with me, you know?”

“There are forms of therapy out there that are more than just talking, Rem,” Emile gently prodded.

Remy grimaced. He hated when Emile got this worried about him, because it was near-impossible to calm him down. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “But I can’t see how any of them would help me. I’ve just got mommy issues. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. It would be nice if I didn’t have them. But I do. And that’s okay.”

Emile sighed, this time, and Remy recognized his sigh, too. It was the worried-about-Remy-but-also-worried-to-say-anything sigh. “Remy...”

“Emile, let’s not have this debate tonight, I’m tired,” Remy dodged.

“Would you be willing to have this debate later?” Emile asked.

“Not really,” Remy admitted.

“So we’re not shelving it, we’re just repressing it?” Emile clarified, and God, did Remy hate that phrasing of this.

“We’re not repressing. We’re processing on our own. I don’t need a therapist to process, Emile. I can do that sort of thing on my own, too, you know.”

“I’ve got a bad feeling about that, Rem,” Emile said.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about just about everything, thanks to my mother,” Remy laughed. “That’s what the kids call ‘anxiety.’”

They walked into the townhouse and Remy groaned. “I’m too tired for this,” he admitted. “I’m so exhausted, I just want to sleep for a week and wake up feeling refreshed and potentially ready for you to be excited over a new cartoon.”

“Potentially? Usually you can handle that after a night of sleep, not a week,” Emile teased.

“Yeah, well, I’m kinda exhausted lately,” Remy sighed. “Staying up to make sure everything is working out well has some unwanted side effects, like exhaustion.”

Emile turned from playful back to worried in a second. “Remy...you know that’s—”

“—Not healthy, I know,” Remy finished. “But what can you do? Sometimes things happen. Sometimes my sleep schedule gets messed up. I can’t say that I’m surprised. Are you surprised that everything sorta blew up again?”

“No,” Emile admitted. “I knew you were stressed for a while, but I hadn’t realized it had gotten that bad.”

“Me neither,” Remy said. “It doesn’t sound nearly as bad in my head as it does out loud.”

Emile shook his head. “You’re sure you don’t want to figure out how to identify how bad it gets before you get there in therapy?”

“I’m sure,” Remy said.

Emile sighed. “Okay, fine, I’ll let it drop,” he said. “But I will worry about you. And possibly fret over you a little more now that I know you haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Like always,” Remy said drily. “I’ll promise to skip out on the evening coffee after I finish my current cup, sound good? Less of a reason to stay up.”

“Sure,” Emile said. “You up for binge-watching some She-Ra under the blankets while we cuddle?”

“Oh, fine,” Remy said, rolling his eyes with a smile. “You’re not going to give up on selling that, so I’ll take it.”

Emile fist-pumped and Remy laughed. This was his man. He was ridiculous, and loud, and sometimes worried too much for his own good, but he was all Remy’s. Remy let Emile get everything set up in the living room, and Remy felt in his pocket for the ring box he had gotten this morning. The ring was perfect for Emile, all Remy had to do was get everything set up and he’d be good to go.

Once the TV was set up Remy sat down on the couch with Emile and snuggled under the blankets with him. He was more than willing to indulge in Emile’s silliness for a little while. He knew the ring was stressing him out. He just needed to take a deep breath, or maybe twenty, and let himself enjoy the moment. He needed some time to do that, after being so stressed recently. He snuggled into Emile as the cartoon they had seen a hundred times played on the screen and let the universe continue moving without him overanalyzing every single last, tiny, miniscule piece that was surrounding him for just the rest of the night. Tomorrow, he could handle anything. Tonight? He just wanted to rest.

[starwitch3000]

What’s Your Story - 1

Pairing: Peter Quill x Reader 

Summary: After having a not so great couple of weeks the reader finds their way to The Milano a dive bar in NYC where they meet the owner Peter Quill

Warning: Drinking and language 

masterlist - ff.net

You were having a terrible day. Well, maybe more accurately, days plural. You were up for a promotion at work, you were currently an editor at an online news website, but your so called “in the bag” promotion your boss had promised was instead handed to some new guy they hired. You were bitter because you gave this job 3 whole years of your life and this was the thanks you got.

Another thing, your boyfriend of a year dumped you a couple of weeks ago because he got a job offer overseas and didn’t think you’d want to go with him, not that he asked. He also didn’t want to do a long distance relationship because he just wasn’t feeling it. So now he’s dead to you.

The list of tiny annoying day to day things just kept piling on your shoulders. Like someone taking your coffee order and having to pay for a new coffee because the barista didn’t believe you. Having your cab taken 4 separate times by 4 different people. Being sent an email by your boss asking why you weren’t in a meeting that you clearly were and participated in. Having your lunch being stolen from fridge in the break room and never getting your lunch bag back. Having to buy a new lunch bag.

With everything piling up things just became too much. That’s why you texted your best friend, Natasha Romanoff, to meet up for some drink at a bar near your apartment. She agreed and you headed out to make your way there. Your sour mood prompted you to walk and the fact that the bar you were heading to, The Milano, was only a couple blocks away.

You made it to the bar and headed in. It was a Friday night so you were a little surprised to see that the place wasn’t too terribly packed. Though you had to admit this place was a little run down and the people that were there looked a little sketchy. This is New York after all so who were you to judge.

You headed up to the bar and took a seat at it. You pulled out your phone while you waited for the bartender to finish up the customer he was already with and to check and see if Natasha had sent you an update.

She had.

Not a good one.

Work called have to bail. I’m so sorry you know I’d be there if it weren’t important. xx

Frowning at your phone you hadn’t realized the bartender approached you or that he was talking to you.

“Hello?” he whistled waving his hand slightly in front of you, “you’re not deaf are you? Cause if you are then you’re totally making me feel like an asshole right now.”

“Huh?” snapping out of the pity party going on in your head you looked up at the bartender. He was a tall, well built man with dark blonde hair and green eye. He looked stupidly handsome and you couldn’t help but stare. He tossed the towel in his hands over his shoulder as he raised an eyebrow at you. You coughed wishing you could sink into the floor and disappear out of embarrassment,  “Sorry?”

“What can I get ya?” He repeated with a kind but snarky smile. He totally noticed you gawking at him that asshole.

Well Nat left you hanging but you were already here so why not, “Whisky neat cheapest you got.”  

With a bit of flare he tossed your glass into the air catching before setting it on the counter to pour your drink, “Here you are,” He slides the glass over to you with a charming smile, “enjoy.”

Show off.

You gave him a pressed smile and lifted the glass in thanks as he went to take care of a new customer. Taking a sip you looked down at your phone unlocking it to Natasha message.

No worries. Call me when you can. xx

You sent her a quick reply just so she knew you weren’t mad, disappointed sure but not mad, you knew how seriously she took her work. You wish you felt the same honestly, but this past week at work had you reconsidering what you actually wanted from your job. Sure it paid well enough and you had been there long enough to be on the company's insurance plan, but that was about it. You landed that editing job straight out of college and you were so proud of that for so long. Maybe your pride had hidden what you really wanted to achieve.

“So what’s your story?”

Pulled from your thoughts you tighten your grip on your phone and looked up to see the bartender had made his way back towards your end of the bar where you sat alone.

“Excuse me?” You asked confused.

“What’s your story?” He asks again, ���What brings someone like you to The Milano alone on a Friday night?”

“I’m sorry, someone like me?”

“No offense ma’am but you don’t exactly fit the demographic of this bar,” he shrugged as you both took a glance around at the other patrons of the establishment. You found he was not wrong. Most of the people looked like they were criminals. Covered in scars and tattoos with permanent scowls on their faces.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Taking another sip of your drink, “I think I fit in perfectly here.”

He snorted, “Right. I guess you are just as brooding as the rest of these chumps.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” you scoffed offended.

“Walking in here with a look on your face that says “I’m thinking about murder” and sitting all by yourself nursing a whisky,” He explains then nods to himself, “No you’re absolutely right you fit right in.”

“Huh,” you breathed loosening your phone from your grip and set it down next to your glass. You processed his words for a moment, it makes you wonder if he was checking you out when you first arrived, looking up at him he seemed to be doing that. His head slightly tilted and eyes slightly darkened as his eyes traced your face. Biting your lip you asked, “I really look like I’m thinking about murder?”

“You telling me you’re not?”

“No, but to be fair I have been tossing around the idea of some light arson so that could be what you’re picking up.”

“Arson?” His eyebrow cocked up intrigued, “alright now you’ve got my attention. Let’s hear all about this.”

You snorted as if you hadn’t already had his attention, “You really want to stand here and talk to me?”

“Well if I’m being honest this place is a little slow tonight and unless a bachelorette party comes stumbling through those doors you’re the most interesting person I can be talking to right now,” He explains.

You laughed and shook your head, “Dunno, that guy seems pretty interesting,” You nodded your head to only other guy actually sitting all the way at the other end of the bar. He was hunched over in his seat picking at the label on his beer as he intensely read the subtitles of the movie playing on one of the tv on the wall, “maybe you should find out what his story is.”

“Nah that’s just Kraglin I’ve known him forever,” He explained playing with the towel in his hand, “You however mentioned arson and I would like to hear all about it. What do you want to set on fire the most?”

Rolling your eyes you decided to play along, “Do I have to pick just one thing?”

He gasped, “A serial arsonist. This just keeps getting better. Let’s start with the one thing you want to burn the most. Like if you could set this fire right now what would it be?”

“Okay,” you let out a long breath and thought it over. What to burn first, “Probably my bosses office - wait no, my ex.”

“Work trouble and love trouble? That’s a nasty duo.”

“Yeah well my boyfriend dumped me for a job overseas. He’s going to be some regional manager for whatever doing whatever in Turkey. He didn’t want me to move with him so he just ended things,” you explained bitterly.

“How long were you guys together?”

“Little over a year.”

“Geeze,” He hisses in sympathy, “Did you guys even talk about it?”

“Nope,” you said popping the p, “He just decided for me that I wasn’t going to move with him.”

“Would you?”

“If he asked me?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah I think I would have. We were together for so long I thought we were good. If he asked me I probably wouldn’t have given it a second thought,” you answered hating yourself slightly for all the time wasted on him.

“What about if he walked into this bar right now and asked you?” He asked.

“I’d kick him straight in the nuts,” you immediately answered.

“I don’t think I like how quick that response was,” He grimaced, “Yikes. Now what about your boss?”

“Well,” you sighed, “I usually don’t have any issues at work but recently I was up for a promotion and he told me that the job was basically mine they just had to do other interviews so that the higher ups didn’t think it was favoritism or whatever.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m an editor for an online news outlet. Been there for like 3 years now.”

He nodded and let you continue.

“So they had a couple of interviews and decided to give the job to one of those guys and not me. I asked my boss why and he said that this guy was much more qualified for the position and he figured I wouldn’t care so much anyways,” you finished feeling the same bitterness that you felt when you had left your bosses office after being turned down from the promotion.

“That’s shitty,” He sighed, “What a dick man.”

“Tell me about it,” you rolled your eyes taking a drink.

“Ay Pete, hand me another beer would ya,” Kraglin from the other end of the bar interrupted waving his now empty bottle toward the bartender, Pete you guess.

“So that’s what brought you here?” He asked cracking a fresh beer open and sliding it down the bar towards Kraglin not breaking the flow of his conversation with you, “A deadbeat ex and a shithead employer?”

“I was actually meeting up with a friend,” you explained watching Kraglin nearly tip over the new beer over but saving it last minute, “but she canceled last minute because of work.”

“You want to set her office on fire too?” Pete asked preparing himself for another story.

You chuckled, “No, god no. She’s a detective usually when she gets called in like this there is usually a dead guy.”

“Oh,” he paused, “well shit. Better be careful with all this crime you’re about to commit. Don’t worry I wont tell.”

“Gee thanks stranger,” you teased causing him to laugh.

“It’s Peter actually. Peter Quill owner of this fine establishment,” He declared gesturing around the bar.

“Fine establishment?” You questioned, “Weren’t you the one saying this place was running slow on a Friday night?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Peter gasped in mock offense, “Is the not New York, the city that always sleeps?”

“Not sure that’s how it goes Pete,” You shook your head sympathetically.

“Pretty sure that’s exactly how it goes.”

“Whatever you say man. I’m (Y/N) by the way. (Y/N) (Y/L/N),” you smiled, “Now you’ve got a name to give the cops when you go to snitch on me.”

“Okay first of all, I would never snitch. Have you seen the people in this bar? They would eat me alive if I was some kind of snitch. Secondly, I am one hundred percent sure that’s a fake name now, but I’ll call you (Y/N) anyways,” dramatically he put air quotes around your name when he spoke.

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re dramatic as hell Pete?” You asked with a smile.

“No not even once,” he frowned, “alright maybe a couple of times, but that’s not the point.”

“And what’s the point?”

“I feel for you man,” He said sincerely, “getting dumped fucking sucks and then not getting a dream job on top of that? It’s rough.”

“Well I wouldn’t call it a dream job,” you said thinking it over, “Just a different job. Rising through the ranks. Getting better pay. Got any pretzels?”

“What’s your dream job then?” He asked reached over for a bowl of pretzels on the bar handing them to you.

You thought over his question for a minute while snacking on a pretzel. What was your dream job? You were an English major for a reason, because your passion growing up was writing. You used to write all the time what happened? This job that’s what happened.

You sighed knowing exactly what your dream job was but also knowing that it’s nearly impossible to get where you want to be.

“(Y/N)? Did I lose you?” Peter questioned and you looked up to meet his gaze.

“Sorry, no, just thinking it over,” you apologized.

“And?”

“What?”

He sighed exasperated, “what’s the dream job haunting your dreams?”

You rolled your eyes, “I guess I’ve always wanted to be a writer. And not some shitty news writer. Like my own stories. Put my own thoughts and opinions on paper and see who picks it up you know?”

“So what’s stopping you?” Peter blinks watching your face carefully.

Squirming under his gaze you suddenly felt the pressure, “Me I guess. I don’t know where to start or if I’m any good. I’m just paralyzed by my own fear of failure and it makes me want to stay where I am and just blend in for the rest of my life. Always having opportunities placed in front of me but never getting to experience them.”

“That is a load of bullshit,” he scoffed.  

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I think that is all a bunch of bullshit,” He repeated a little harshly.

“And what gives you the right to say that? You barely even know me!” you jumped feeling overwhelmed by his confrontation.

“Sure I do your ex is a douche, your best friend is a cop and your name is probably not (Y/N),” He shrugged, “That’s pretty much everything.”

Baffled you shook your head, “I don’t really think it is.”

“Well,” He started placing his hands on the edge of the bar leaning forward, “It’s plenty enough for me to know that you’re going to be miserable if you keep doing what you’re doing because guess what, you already are.”

“I’m not miserable,” You interrupted, “I’m just having a bad week!”

“Who is the bartender here and who is the girl drinking by herself?”

You refused to answer.

Smugly he continued, “This is my job honey, I know people, even when they don’t want me to. And right now I know that you are stuck not because you’re afraid of failing. You’re afraid of wasting your time and you wont accept that you already have. You wasted a year with some dickwad who didn’t care enough to get your opinion on your relationship together. You’ve wasted your time working for some assholes that don’t recognize your desire to achieve more. It’s time to pull your head out of your ass and take something that you want.”

You hated it. You hated every single word that left his mouth. You hated the way he said it. You hated how it sounded. Mostly you hated that it was all true.

“What the fuck dude?” You huffed feeling out of breath for him. Peter was proving to be extremely long winded.

“Am I wrong?”

“Well no, obviously, but can’t you just let a girl wallow in self pity for an evening?” you question, “Geeze.”

He rolled his eyes standing up straight again, “You’re way too pretty for that sweetheart.”

“Great. Good to know. Next time I just want to drink and feel sad I’ll just stay at home then,” you nodded to yourself looking at the remainder of your drink in your glass.

“Sorry didn’t mean to overstep my boundaries, “He sighed, “but this bar is my life, even though some of us here are unimpressed by that,” he shot you a cocky wink, “and if someone hadn’t told me to get my head out of my ass and do something I love then we wouldn’t be here today.”

“And who was that?”

“Well my mom always told me to do what I love but after she passed away it was my foster dad that was always telling me to get my head out of my ass,” He explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Not it was for good reason,” He said, “I was a shithead.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes “was”, “I meant about your mom passing. I’m sorry to hear that. My mom passed away too when I was younger.”

His lips pressed into a line and he nodded looking at the surface of the bar, “It sucks.”

You nodded in agreement settling into a silence. Loss was something you both seemed all too familiar with. You had noticed that he had said foster dad and not his dad but you didn’t want to bring up two intrusive topics in a row. Things felt a little too personal and that’s saying a lot seeing as you just told a random stranger all your most recent problems. It’s clearly something he’s used to him being a bartender and all. People must come in here and bare their souls to him all the time.

The sound of your cell phone buzzing made both of you jump. You picked it up to see Natasha picture flashing across the screen. A wave of confusion and mild panic hit you.

“Sorry hang on,” you told Peter and answered her call never knowing when it could be an emergency, “hey what’s up?”

Through the phone all you hear is her aggravated sigh, “Just got finished dealing with a bunch of teenagers who thought it would be funny to prank call some detectives about fake homicide. They didn’t even use burners to hide their identities or anything but were oh so shocked that they got caught.”

“That awful. What’s going to happen to those kids?” you asked biting your lip listening to your friend.

“Don’t know probably community service. I’ve been dealing with hysterical parents for the last hour. They’ve got court dates and the judge will decide the rest,” she sighed through the phone, “In the meantime I am free again and really want some extra cheesy pizza from Romeo’s, want to come over and yell at each other?”       

“Wow,” you replied, “you really know a way to girls heart don’t you.”

“What can I say? I’m a gifted individual now come on over and I can show you more of my talents,” She teased.

“You gotta stop it with the dirty talk babe I’m in public,” you said causing Peter to laugh.

“Where are you?” Natasha dropped the teasing tone instantly curious, “Is that a guy?”

“The Milano,” you chose to only answer her first question.

“Seriously? You still went?”

“I was already here when you bailed,” you explained, “figured I’m already out might as well get what I came for.”

“Is that place any good? I know we’ve been meaning to check it out and tonight would have been that night if not for, you know, teenagers,” the bitterness of her tone did not go unnoticed.

“Eh, it’s alright,” your unimpressed tone was purely for Peter listening to just one side of this conversation, “It’s kind of dirty but they’ve got pretzels.”

You grinned as you earned a glare from Peter.

“Hot guy I hear ya,” Natasha murmured understanding the context of a situation she wasn’t even a part of, “tell me scale of one to ten where is he?”

“Eh, maybe like a three,” you replied loving the baffled looks you were getting from Peter seeing as he thought you were still talking about his bar.

“Shit really?” reading way more into your reply than you had intended, “look if you need to bail in order to get some I will not blame you.”

“Nah it’s not like that.”

“Oh really?” she questioned, “or are you just saying that because he’s standing right in front of you and you too scared to admit you want to jump on him and ride him till sunrise?”

If not for the little bit of alcohol in your system you would probably turn beat red hearing your friend say this while you stare directly at the man in question. You bit your lip considering it, “No I’m pretty sure it’s just because you enticed me pizza and now I’m going to hold you to that.”

Natasha laughed, “Alright I’ll order it now see you in a bit.”

“See you,” you smiled and hung up the phone.

“Someone have a hot date?” Peter asked sounding slightly disappointed.

“Yeah sorry to leave you like this,” you grabbed your wallet out of your purse only to look up and see his pout, “really? Pouting? Is that how you get all of your regulars?”

“It worked on Kraglin,” He shrugged dropping the pout.

“Sorry I’m just not that kind of girl,” you took out some cash and paid for your drink, “the only way to keep me around is food and sorry but pizza trumps pretzels.”

He gasped in fake disbelief.

“I know. I’m sorry but I make the rules and that’s just how this one goes,” you shrugged and got out of you seat. For the first time all week you finally felt yourself settle into a good mood. It made you feel lighter. You smiled up at Peter, “Thanks for the talk. I really needed it.”

“Anytime,” He smiled softly, “You’ll know where I’ll be.”

With that you left and headed toward Natasha place anxiously anticipating some pizza.

chapter two

~

Alright chapter one stay tuned for more. Also sorry for any mistakes things can slip by when proof reading but if I don’t post this now I never will. So let me know what you think and I promise chapter two is on its way! ~Star

[ordinarytalk]

Personal stuff sad rant under the cut about my new job. Not happy stuff, so probably don't read if you can't handle a mid-life crisis that I've been having more or less constantly since age 21.

It's getting late and I'm putting off going to bed because I don't want to have to deal with trying to sleep again. I woke up last night at 3 or 4 in the morning and had a panic attack, and I wasn't able to sleep for hours until it was almost time to wake up for work. Again.

I've been having panic attacks all this week. For the last few weeks, really, but it's been ramping up, and it's all mixed with these big, indigestible globs of despair.

It's just...I'm a health inspector now. And I hate it. I gave the job a good try, and it's better than my old job, but that's like saying that sitting in a cold mud puddle is better than being on fire.

Everywhere I go, I am hated. People working restaurants panic when they see me, and when I point out things that are dangerous that need to be fixed, they go from passive-aggressive to shouting at me to breaking down close to tears because what they need to do to be legal costs money. I can't eat anywhere anymore. I'm hated. I had severe social anxiety going into this job, and now I have to fight down panic attacks in the parking lot when I pull into restaurants for inspections before I go in. And I do this every day.

Every day. Every single day. I get eight days off a month. Every other day, for the rest of my life, is going to be this. There isn't anything better. There isn't anything else. I will never be anything more. There is nothing to look forward to. Every dream that I ever had for my future is dead, any potential I may have once had is wasted. This is it.

This job is the best prospect I can get with the utterly useless Master of Public Health degree that I'm in debt for. Nothing else pays as much as this job, and this job pays crap, for the amount of debt I have.

I wake up, exhausted and too early, and put on clothes that are ugly and uncomfortable and required, and do something very difficult that I hate doing for most of the day, and then I'm so tired at the end of it that I can't do anything else. I just sit in my filthy, lonely apartment, and dread going to sleep because then the next day will come faster.

I've been behind on the work assigned to me since I started in April. There was a huge backlog waiting when I came in, since inspections had been building up while they were trying to hire someone. I'm working as hard as I can, but the pile just keeps going. I got five new plan review applications today, and each of those will take most of a day to finish, but I also have to do several dozen inspections, and I can only get two or three of those done in a day at the most, but I also have to finish a few dozen temporary event applications, which need to be done at the office which is an hour drive round-trip and take several hours apiece to do, but I also have to respond to several dozen emails and phone calls that come in for me every single day that are tasks that all take 15-20 minutes to do, and no matter how fast I go it feels like I end every single day with a bigger to-do list than when I started it. I'm bad at this job, and I constantly feel like I am failing, and everyone hates me.

I keep on telling myself things will be better once I catch up, but I don't know if that's ever going to happen. And even if it did? I would still be doing a job I hate every single day, and every single day I would be meeting people who hated me, and having people yell at me, or argue, or try to hide things, or cry. One man pointed a knife at me.

There's a lesson I thought I learned once, but I was never very good at remembering it. I was raised to always think of everyone else first and myself last. If I wanted to be a good person, I owed the world my help, no matter how little I wanted to do it. If someone else is cold, give them your coat. If someone else is hungry, give them your food. If someone else is tired, give them your labor. If someone else is busy, give them your time. Give, give, give, and never, ever take. This is what I was taught. And I tried to be good. I really, really did. Like every person with a martyr complex before me, some part of me is so convinced that I'm bad that I feel like I have to spend the rest of my life making up for it.

But here's the lesson I learned: If you are very good, and very kind, and very obedient, and always say yes when someone asks for help, and never say no, then smiling people will gently take you by the hand, full of joy and gratitude, and they will lead you into hell.

I first realized this the summer after I graduated college. I had not been accepted into any of the medical schools I applied for, and I was not able to process that. I spent the summer teaching swimming lessons and lifeguarding, like I had every other summer since I was 16, but the summer was about to end, and for the first time in my life, I wasn't required to go back to a school in the fall, and I didn't know what to do.

An old high school teacher contacted my mom, saying that some ladies had been asking for help with a caregiving job, and that I was absolutely the perfect person for it, since I was so naturally kind and caring and giving. Mom sent me to the ladies, and I went because I don't say no. The ladies met me at a house, and smiled and told me how grateful they were, how much they needed me here, and they took me by the hand, and led me into the basement. The basement was dimly lit, and smelled of piss and shit, and three adult men were laying on small cots and moaning. The ladies happily told me how I would come here every night, alone, and stay with the three men until the morning, rolling them and washing them when they soiled themselves. I would start next week. I would be paid minimum wage with no benefits. The room stank. The men writhed and moaned. The air was orange tinted from the single lightbulb. The carpet was dark brown. The ladies were so, so grateful I was here. They knew I was a kind, caring, loving, good person.

I went home and felt absolutely nothing. I felt absolutely nothing for hours, until I took a shower and broke down sobbing. I called them back and told them I couldn't take the job. It was the first time I had ever said no to someone, and they were horrified, and my parents were disappointed, and I was shipped off to Madison within the week, and I didn't learn the lesson well enough, because I kept on trying to be what other people wanted me to become. I was supposed to be a doctor, so I kept on trying to get into med school until I had a mental breakdown, and then I got the public health degree because I thought it was the next closest thing to doctor after I failed, and by the time I finished it and realized the size of the hole I'd dug myself into, it was too late. There's no way I can crawl out of this without an enormous amount of money, and none of the jobs available to me pay that much, because they're all jobs for people who "love their work" and "care about humanity" and "care about people and not salaries."

I'm sure people are grateful I'm a health inspector. I'm sure people are thinking, "oh, I'm glad someone's doing that job, that's a necessary job, you're keeping society running, unsung hero, you should be proud." These are the things people think when someone else does a horrible job that no one likes, but which must be done so that the modern world keeps working. That's what you think about the home health aides, the teachers, the immigrant farmhands, the cleaning crew.

I don't know how to end this post. I keep on looking up increasingly implausible jobs that could pay more and be less stressful, like truck drivers or swinging bridge operators. I'm not going to get them. The closest thing I have to an escape plan is to wait a few more years until I qualify for the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program, and then....I don't know? Quit for a minimum wage job that will slowly lower me into poverty? Do another fireworks tent? Die, I guess?

It's late, and I'm tired, and I'm old, and I'm sick of panic attacks, and I've failed at everything I've ever attempted in my adult life, and I don't want to go back to work on Monday.

[newssplashy]

Evan Casalino, a senior at Northern Highlands Regional High School in Allendale, New Jersey, always dreamed about going to Harvard Medical School.

But in his freshman year of high school, his father died of sudden cardiac arrest, and in his junior year, his mother died of ovarian cancer, leaving him devastated and overwhelmed.

Determined to fulfill his academic dream, he needed help. So, he hired a coaching firm, Acceptance Ahead, to guide him through the college application process.

“After everything that my family and I had been through, I wanted to honor my parents and make them proud, but also for my grandparents who were taking care of us and trying to fill the shoes of my parents,” said Casalino, whose brother, Tyler, is 14. He landed a spot at Harvard and will attend this fall.

Casalino is among a growing number of students who are turning to college prep coaches to navigate them through the fiercely competitive and time-consuming college application process.

“There’s definitely growing demand; people are coming to us earlier and earlier,” said Nancy Stuzin, partner and co-founder of Acceptance Ahead. Another coaching firm, Sylvan Learning, has seen a 15 percent increase in its college prep business in the last year, said Emily Levitt, the firm’s vice president of education.

The reason? Getting into college is much more daunting than it was 10 or 20 years ago, because of a host of factors: more international students seeking admission to colleges in the United States, greater access for people of all economic and geographical backgrounds to information about colleges, more early-decision opportunities and an increase in “need blind” applications, in which colleges do not consider an applicant’s financial status in admission decisions.

Good grades alone are no guarantee of acceptance, and the personal essay and interview can often make the difference — either way. “While grades are important, extracurricular activities are just as important, if not more, and will really help you stand out,” said Christopher Rim, president and chief executive of Command Education Group.

It’s particularly cutthroat for those vying to get into Ivy League schools.

“The most exclusive places are 4 percent or 5 percent acceptance, so 1 in 25 will get in among a pool of really highly qualified people,” said Hafeez Lakhani, founder of Lakhani Coaching. “There are heartbreaking stories every year of a student with a near-perfect SAT score and perfect grades rejected from every Ivy.”

When is the best time to bring in a coach?

“My favorite story is about parents wanting to set up an education plan for their daughter,” said Carol Gill, founder of Carol Gill Associates, a college counseling and placement firm. “When I met with them, their daughter was 17 months old. They wanted the right prenursery and prekindergarten to get into the Ivys. But that’s New York City. It’s kind of crazy out there.”

Ideally, students should start consulting coaches in their sophomore year of high school, or junior year at the latest. The earlier they bring in a coach, the more time they’ll have to turn around weak grades through extra tutoring, add extracurricular activities that will make their college application statement stand out, do practice runs for the college interview and ensure they get high scores in the standardized tests.

Deciding on the right personal essay is also key.

Alissa Fogelson, 18, of Purchase, New York, wanted to study nutrition and hired Stuzin in her junior year to help her college application stand out.

“I had no idea what I wanted to write about” in the essay, Fogelson said. When Stuzin learned that Fogelson had a passion for dance and was part of a dance company, she arranged for an internship with a nutritionist and then suggested she develop a nutritional program for fellow dancers and use the experience as part of her personal statement. Today, Fogelson is a freshman at the University of Pennsylvania

Coaches caution students to present their achievements and goals in a confident but not arrogant way.

Nikki Geula, president of Arete Educational Consulting, recalled one client, who earned top grades, was involved in volunteer work at his church and had aced his ACT test but had been rejected by many of the top colleges.

Once she read his personal statement, the problem became crystal clear. “He came across as a jerk,” she said, as his words portrayed a know-it-all who planned to single-handedly fix the gap between the tech world and business on Wall Street — not at all reflective of his personality. And he didn’t mention all of the charitable acts he had done for his community, she said.

“There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance,” said Geula, who helped him rewrite his essay.

Sometimes, students are misguided when they try to grab a committee’s attention.

Geula recounted the case of another gifted student who consulted her after being wait-listed at Harvard. The student had devoted his entire essay to writing about how he came up with his best ideas while sitting on the toilet. “It was incredibly graphic and completely inappropriate,” she said. “He told me he wanted to get their attention.” She helped him rewrite his personal statement.

Then there’s the interview. “If they go in there totally unprepared and bomb the interview, it could hurt them,” Stuzin said.

Coaches often prepare students using mock interviews where they ask common — and not so common — questions students may face. They also offer tips, such as keeping good eye contact, engaging in conversations with personal anecdotes and, of course, practicing good etiquette, such as showing up on time and turning cellphones off.

“I had a kid take out his phone and say ‘Oh, excuse me, I just have to return this text’ in the middle of the interview,” said Adam Exline, who worked in the admissions department at Sarah Lawrence College and is now co-director of college counseling at Trevor Day School in New York.

Geula recalled one student from China, who was soft-spoken and shy. So, Geula brought in acting and theatrical specialists and had her do improv exercises to get her to project her voice.

The uptick in college coaching has not escaped the attention of college admissions officials.

“We do know that more and more people out there are turning to coaches,” said Jonathan Williams, associate dean and director of admissions at New York University. “It is a much more competitive process than it was five years ago, and people are looking for an edge.”

He said the quality of applications had escalated in recent years. “SAT scores or ACT scores, for example, have increased at NYU over the past five years pretty significantly,” he said, although he could not say whether coaches were the reason.

Not everyone believes coaches are necessary.

“We actually discourage them from being overly coached or overly prepared for those interviews,” Exline said. “The kids who speak off the cuff or from the heart often come through much better than kids who are scripted.”

And coaching doesn’t come cheap. A coach can cost anywhere from a few hundred dollars for a one-hour consultation session to tens of thousands of dollars for mentoring over a couple of years. Some firms offer lower rates or even pro bono work for low-income students.

“It’s obviously a huge decision” Lakhani said. “This is the door that you’re seeking to the rest of your life. It’s one of the greatest investments of our lives.”

—How to Write a Good College Application Essay

Here are some tips compiled from experts for writing that all-important application essay, which can often mean the difference between getting accepted — or rejected — by the school of your choice.

— The essay is your megaphone — your view of the world and your ambitions. It’s not just a résumé or a regurgitation of everything you’ve done. It needs to tell a story with passion, using personal, entertaining anecdotes that showcase your character, your interests, your values, your life experiences, your views of the world, your ambitions and even your sense of humor.

— Emphasize volunteer work or other ways you’ve helped people or made your community a better place. It helps if the activity is related to the subject you want to study. For example, Christopher Rim of Command Education Group, which coaches students, remembers that one student who wanted to become a dentist set up a nonprofit and held fundraisers to distribute toothbrushes, toothpaste and other dental products to homeless shelters. Admissions staff members want to know how your presence will make the college a better place.

— Mention internships, summer courses, extracurricular activities or lab work that show steps you’ve taken to learn and understand your field of interest. That will help show you know the field you’ve chosen to study and are passionate about it.

— Explain with knowledge and passion why you want to study at this particular college rather than at others. Tell why the school’s size, curriculum, social atmosphere, location, professors or history influenced your choice.

— Correct spelling, grammar and punctuation are critical. Use grammar, syntax and writing with a level of sophistication that shows you’re ready for college. Never use text-style abbreviations or rude or profane language.

— After the essay is submitted, check your email and voicemail daily to make sure you see and respond promptly to messages from admissions staff members. Many students check only texts and sometimes miss emails asking follow-up questions or requesting an interview.

— Hafeez Lakhani of Lakhani Coaching summed up the essay this way: “Every college is like a dinner table. What will make you the most interesting contributor to that dinner table conversation? What will make you help everyone else have a more interesting experience?” A good essay, rich with anecdotes and personality, will answer those questions and stand out from the pile.

— Janet Morissey

Janet Morissey © 2018 The New York Times

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