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dearmantis · 4 years

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Blood on your hands

Pairing: Pietro x Reader

Summary: Westview was your home, but the nightmares you have every night tell a different story. When hallucinations start to take over your day to day life a around the same time Wanda introduced you to her brother Pietro, one of your best friends tries to help.

Help herself, not you.

! Part two of Old wounds ripped open, can be read on it’s own though !

Warnings: spoilers for episode 7 of WandaVision(?), mentions of death and blood, angst, nightmares, a bit of survivors guilt, horror (if you squint a bit), hallucinations, some weird/ creepy stuff involving a corpse (not Vision and not sexual, it’s just weird and a bit sad)

Word Count: 3.2k

Author's Note: Blood on your hands is less focused on Pietro and instead centered more around the Reader and their experiences after the events of Old wounds ripped open. It does involve Pietro again though, don't worry.

Also, some parts of this seemingly got mixed up for some reason so if some passages make no sense and feel out of place that's why. I've been trying to fit it but I mightve overlooked some parts so please tell me!

You had weird dreams since your first day in Westview, your head filled with blurry scenes, blues and whites bleeding into each other as calm voices spoke to you, warm hands caressing your skin, creating scenarios that made no sense but felt familiar enough, like they had had happened once, in a world, a life, vastly different from the one you lived in now.

It would’ve been quite beautiful if they weren’t accompanied by a deep feeling of melancholy, sadness seeping into your body and clinging onto your bones every night, the pictures becoming clearer and the feelings stronger with every passing day.

The night a day before you met Pietro, Wanda's twin brother you don’t remember ever hearing about even though you had been best friends with Wanda since you were 4, the dreams changed.

Suddenly, the sorrow and heartache transformed into fear, cold sweat clinging on your skin every time the panic got strong enough to rip you out of your sleep and you woke up, drenched and shaking.

There was no comfort in the emotions that overtook you during those dreams, no warmth in the sorrow that seemed to fill you up like water, drowning out everything else.

Just this overwhelming sense of terror and grief, slowly choking the air out of your lungs and turning your muscles weak.

You thought about talking with Wanda about what you saw and heard in your dreams, about the gunshots, the screams, the blood, but something held you back. As soon as the idea came up in your mind you knew that this was not an option, no questions, no but’s.

You just knew.

However, as the days went on, the dreams became worse.

People turning to dust, Wanda crying and screaming, a man dying, burns all over his body, a stone being ripped out of the forehead of a strange man, his body falling dead on the ground… and a man with white hair being shot and killed.

All you were able to do was watch, unable to prevent what was happening.

In those dreams you could heal, your hands glowing in a warm golden light, heat burning in your fingertips, but no matter what you did, people continued to turn into dust, the burns stayed, the stone was still gone and you were always too far away to save the man, distancing yourself further every second no matter how hard you fought to get closer to him.

You felt useless, helpless, undeserving.

The fear of Wanda finding out about your nightmares grew steadily with every dream, the outside signs of your sleepless nights becoming more and more obvious, but no matter what tricks and tips you tried, not a single night was slept through calmly.

It didn’t help that the scenarios all held the same familiar feeling the ones before the meeting with Pietro did. Melancholy and pain now ruling hand in hand over what was once supposed to help you relax and restore your energy for the next day.

You started hallucinating after 2 days. Vision was always gone or with Wanda and something about Pietro's company made you feel uncomfortable, so you started to spend your time more by yourself, now really regretting that you didn’t get a dog when the idea first came up.

It began with randomly seeing people on the street turning to dust.

The first time it happened you felt like you were going to turn to dust as well, your heartbeat loudly hammering in your ears as you ran out of the house screaming, trying to help and save your poor neighbors from certain doom. It happened two more times before you realized that your mind was playing tricks on you,, too exhausted to work like it was supposed to.

Halloween night was the worst.

Knowing that you wouldn’t be able to actually rest, you decided to spend the night on the couch, watching any kids show or movie you could find, until you slipped back into unconsciousness at around 11 pm during a scooby doo marathon.

Wanda had invited you to come along with her, the twins and the boys since both Vision and Agnes would be busy that day but you refused, claiming that you felt sick and wanted to spend the night in your bed sleeping and watching TV. The young mother had looked you up and down, pity in her watchful eyes, before she took your hand, squeezed it, and told you to call in case anything happened and you needed help. You had nodded, thanking Wanda and promising her to come over as soon as you felt better.

The reason why Halloween was the worst was because the dream you had was different once again, this time for seemingly no reason at all.

Wanda was currently being dragged away from a body, the body of the man you had seen before in previous dreams. The one who got shot while you were in the air, unable to get closer to him no matter how hard you tried. Her hysterical screaming was the only thing you could hear, sokovian insults directed towards those dragging her away, someone named Ultron, and you.

You were on what you recognized to be a helicarrier, even though you don’t remember ever having seen one or heard of one, the word unfamiliar and familiar at the same time.

Wanda stared at you as you slowly approached the body, still being held back but now silent like everyone else around you, all of their eyes focused on you and you alone.

An empty feeling had started to fill your mind since the helicopter had landed, not a single emotion or thought racing through your head when you lifted your hands, a warm golden glow engulfing them, and placed them on the man's chest.

The wounds healed, golden threads filling the wounds before turning into normal human tissue, but his heart stayed still, no matter what you did.

“This is your fault too. You promised you would be there! You promised you would keep him safe, you disgusting liar. I tried to defend you so many times but HYDRA and Ultron were right. You’re useless.”, Wanda uttered, her eyes wild and glowing in a deep shade of red, her hands called to fists.

Your powers got stronger and stronger, now able to rebuild entire missing limbs like you had done just a few minutes ago to save an old man instead of only healing small cuts like during your first weeks with HYDRA, but death was still irreversible to you.

A part of you simply accepting what she had said as the truth.

You should’ve been there. You directly disobeyed orders. This is your fault too. There was no denying of these simple facts.

Another part of you however, the part of you that was trained by Hydra and followed Ultron, filled with toxic thoughts and jealousy because Wanda was stronger than you, got more attention than you, was more important than you overall, saw a chance to strike.

“You knew that he was still getting used to his powers, Wanda. And you knew that he was already getting exhausted, making him slower. It was your job to protect him too. After all, you’re the one who can rip through those robots like nothing. I’m just a useless healer.”

Both of you would regret these words years later, Wanda sitting in her room only two months later, hysterically sobbing and shaking like a leaf, none of the other Avengers being able to do anything other than calling you, begging you to take a break from helping with the rebuilding of Sokovia because something was wrong with Wanda and no one knew what to do. When you arrived you laid in each other's arms, trying to calm each other down, talking about how much you missed each other and what happened during and after Pietro's death.

Oh, something was definitely wrong.

A loud knocking on your door was what ripped you out of your sleep, quickly jogging to it, thinking it must be Wanda trying to check on you. Instead, Agnes was standing in front of you, a sweet smile on her lips.

How Wanda saw his dead body everywhere, and how you couldn’t touch wet things anymore or wash your hands with cold water because it kept reminding you of his blood soaked shirt and the way your hands were covered in his cold blood, the red liquid dripping from them until it dried to a dark brown layer.

“Hey Y/N,”, she greeted, moving past you to get into your house. “Wanda told me about you feeling a bit sick so I came over to check on you. You’re my friend too, afterall. I wanna make sure you’re doing alright.”

Slowly your eyes moved down, landing on your hands.

Agnes was already waiting for you in the kitchen, preparing two cups of tea like this was her house, shooing you back into the living room while loudly talking about how important it was for her to take care of her close friends. You were about to sit back down on the couch when you finally heard it.

Dripping. Something was dripping.

Red.

Turning, your eyes followed the path you had walked as well as you could, moving from the couch, small red drops leading to the door with its now blood covered doorknob, to the kitchen, and then back to the couch.

You silently watched her from the door, your mind still half stuck in the dream you had, trying to understand what was happening when the door slipped out of your grasp, closing on its own.

“Oh Y/N, I didn’t send you into the living room for you to just stand here and stare into nothingness. Sit down, sweetheart. The tea is nearly done, just give it another minute.”, Agnes suddenly said, setting two cups and a small bowl down on the living room table before pushing you down onto the couch and turning the sound of the TV lower. She quickly sat down next to you, covering you and herself with the blanket that had fallen to the floor while you had slept.

“So, darling, tell me about how you’re feeling. Wanda seemed awfully worried about you. She kept babbling about not knowing what was wrong with you, a true sweetheart, isn’t she?”, Agnes laughed, patting your knee before carefully pulling the tea bags out of the cups.

You knew it had to be a hallucination, the man's blood on your hands coming out of the dream you had, just like the people turning to dust, but it looked so real, the feeling eerily familiar to you.

With a big grin on her lips, she gave you one of them, taking a big sip of it while watching you do the same thing from your own cup.

You were nearly finished with your tea when you noticed that you hadn’t told Agnes or Wanda about what was wrong with you. the cup covered in blood when you sat it down, the liquid on your hands seemingly unending and refusing to dry like it had in your dream.

For a while you sat there, together, watching scoobie doo while drinking tea, talking about the boring ads or about your time in Westview.

“Agnes, why aren’t you with Wanda and the twins right now?”, you asked, your voice not louder than a whisper, somehow aware that asking about her knowledge about the nightmares wouldn’t end well for you.

“Like I told you, I wanted to make sure you’re alright and don’t feel too lonely. Now finish your cup of tea so I can leave knowing that you’ll sleep well tonight. I even put out a big bowl of candy on your porch to make sure no one will ring the door to wake you up tonight.”

If that was all it took for her to go, you would obey, you thought to yourself, downing the rest of the bitter tasting tea in one go before standing up.

With every passing second, Agnes company seemed to make you more and more unconfortable, her aura more dominant than usual. You needed her out of your house. Now.

Agnes smiled at you, took the cups and stood up to go to the kitchen. “Not before I washed these, sweetheart. Then I’ll leave you alone to sleep. Wanda will be fine for another few minutes.”

“Come on, Agnes. I bet Wanda already misses you greatly. You should meet them before the twins go to bed.”, you exclaimed, lifting the blanket from her body and folding it.

A sigh escaped your lips as you walked to the door, suddenly stopping when your eyes jumped to the middle of the hallway.

You were frozen in place, unable to move even when Agnes came out of the kitchen.

She dried her hands with one of your towels before carelessly dropping it on the floor, grinning at you before leaving with the words “Have fun tonight, Y/N. I know you missed him so much.”

When the door fell into its lock, you dropped to your knees, hands shaking and legs weak like pudding.

Pietro.

Pietro, Pietro, Pietro, Pietro, Pietro Pietro.

Here.

On your floor.

You didn’t know how long you sat on the floor, staring at that body, just that you still hadn’t moved when the sun started to rise again, your eyes glued to the corpse while you tried to sort through your newly gained memories.

Dead.

Of course your immediate thought had been to blame Wanda. She was the only person you knew who had the power to take away memories and manipulate your thoughts and feelings and she had a motive.

She was your best friend. Your best friend since kindergarten and the only one who knew about your crush on her twin. Memories from inside Westview also came to mind, from when you woke up in Wanda's kitchen after she introduced you to Pietro for the first time, a day before the introduction you actually remember, your memory coming back after “Pietro” had introduced himself to you.

Wanda had tried to explain her decision to bring you to Westview. Reasoned that you were still so depressed and she just wanted you to feel happy, to get the fairy tale ending she thought you deserved, even if it had to be without Pietro.

Wanda, who probably controlled everyone in Westview, including Agnes who had just talked about missing a man while you stared at the hallucination of his corpse in your hallway.

And she would never be cruel enough to you to give you the nightmares and hallucinations you had now.

There was no way Wanda had possessed Agnes to do this to you.

But she had also claimed not to know where the other “Pietro” came from.

As soon as the realization hit, you stumbled to your feet, the world turning as you ran out of your house, pushing past people as you tried to get to Wanda’s house as quickly as possible. She, Vision, the twins… everyone could be in danger.

This wasn’t Wanda.

If a dead robot and two probably imagined or possessed kids can even be in danger...

You didn’t bother to knock, simply storming into the house, screaming for your best friend.

She immediately reached out to touch you, giving you another once over with her eyes.

“What is going on?”, she responded, a confused look on her face as she came out of the kitchen, panic visible in her eyes as soon as she saw you. “Why are you covered in blood? What happened last night?”

“It’s Pietro’s blood, not mine.”, you said quickly, like that explained anything.

“What blood? Hell, Y/N, you look like you died twice. And what’s this about Pietro’s blood? Do you mean that impos-”

Her eyes began to glow red and you knew she was searching through your mind, trying to make sense of your words.

“You knew it wouldn’t hold for long. Me and Pietro were never as affected by your powers as others were.”, you whispered, trying to answer the unasked question that was hovering in the room.

“Not that Pietro. I mean our Pietro. The one who died in Sokovia in 2015. The one I loved… love. The one I love. It’s his blood.”

“I didn’t give you the nightmares or the hallucinations. I didn’t do that. That wasn’t me. I made sure to keep them as far away from you as I could.”, Wanda insisted, probably more to calm herself down than to prove something to you since you also didn’t think of her as capable of that cruelty.

Her eyes lost their glow but she continued to watch you before quietly saying “Go upstairs. Vision is away and the Twins are with Agnes today. Sleep, I’ll make sure you won’t have nightmares. The hallucinations wont stop if you don’t sleep. You’ll keep seeing the blood on your hands and the corpse on the floor.”

You nodded, walking up the stairs like she had told you before entering the bedroom, only pausing for a second when you saw Pietro’s corpse laying on the right side of the bed before laying down next to it.

“I know Wanda, I know. But someone else did, and I want to find out who without being under the control of someone else. I can’t help when you do that. I can’t use my powers if I don’t remember that I have them.”

Slowly, you reached out to lay your hand on his chest, the glow of your powers only slightly dimmed by the blood. If you closed the wounds maybe you would be able to pretend this was simply a happy dream. A happy dream of a life you could’ve had if you had listened to Steve's orders to stay on the ground with Hawkeye to heal civilians, or if you had simply been less of a coward and told Pietro about your feelings before that last fatal battle.

Like seeing his dead body in your hallway and being covered in his blood wasn’t already traumatizing enough, your mind had to one-up itself once again.

If, if, if.

Always those stupid useless if’s.

You carefully covered the body of the now healed hallucinated corpse with the blanket before getting more comfortable yourself and closing your eyes.

You had completely forgotten to tell Wanda about your suspicions concerning Agnes.

#pietro maximoff x reader #pietro maximoff fanfiction #pietro maximoff x y/n #wandavision #wandavision fanfic

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crystalninjaphoenix · 3 years

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Similarities

Switch AU

A JSE Fanfic

Y’know I realize there hasn’t been that much advancement of the plot in this AU as of late. Sorry bout that. But hey, no story is all action all the time. And we get character development! In this, Jackie stays over with JJ and Marvin, and talks with the latter about some...experiences. Emotions are involved. Two characters grow closer. Stuff like that. It was nice to write, so I hope you guys enjoy :)

More of this AU found here

“And then! And then Kristy gave me this bracelet. She gave one to all the girls in class, I mean, but look at it! It’s my favorite colors!” Michelle shook her wrist, causing her new red-and-yellow beaded bracelet to spin wildly around it. “And I’m the only one who got the star charms!”

Jackie smiled, leaning down to ruffle Michelle’s hair. “Sounds like a fun last day of school.”

“It was! And now we’re on holiday, and that’s always great!” Michelle flopped down onto her back, now laying on the living room floor, and looked up at her dad sitting on the sofa with wide eyes. “And about holidays, what did you get me for Christmas?”

“I can’t tell you that! It’ll ruin the surprise!”

“I’ll like it anyway.”

Jackie laughed. “That’s probably true, but the surprise makes it even better. Why, is there something you really want?”

“Don’t worry, I already wrote my letter,” Michelle said proudly. “I gave it to Ren.”

“Oh that’s great!” Jackie said. Rama showed him the letter earlier; Michelle had included a detailed list of toys she wanted Santa to bring. “Right, I forgot they told me they dropped it off at the mailbox. They also said your writing is looking really good.”

“They did?!” Michelle beamed. “That’s so cool.”

Before Jackie could continue, the alarm on his phone went off. He dug it out of his hoodie pocket and turned it off, sighing. “Well, looks like I have to go now.”

“Aww.” Michelle’s happy expression turned to a pout as they sat up. “Can’t you stay more? I never see you anymore.”

“Sorry, sweetie, Dad has to go to work,” Jackie said regretfully. “But I’m really glad I stopped by before I had to.”

“Stupid work,” Michelle grumbled. She held out her arms. “Hug?”

Jackie bent over and gave her a hug, squeezing tight as he lifted her off the ground and onto her feet. “I’ll see you again later.”

“Bye, Dad.” Michelle waved as Jackie grabbed his coat and walked over to the front door, heading out.

It was a bit after noon, the sky partly cloudy. Jackie had taken to picking up shorter afternoon and evening shifts at the hospital. He was fine with taking more, but his boss still insisted he didn’t work as much, after the...ordeal he went through a few months ago. Part of him wondered if she was trying to get him to quit or something, but he wasn’t going to do that any time soon, so it was a misguided strategy if that was the case.

Rama was outside, trying to do yard work in their small front garden. Jackie stopped for a moment, watching. They quickly noticed and stopped, standing up straight and turning around to ask, “Enjoying the view?”

“Hey, I-I didn’t—I wasn’t—” Jackie stammered, blushing a bit. “You’re wearing a coat. I was just thinking it looked a bit difficult, pulling up dead weeds in the—in the hard winter dirt—”

“I know, Jackieboy,” Rama chuckled. “Leaving so soon?”

“Yeah,” Jackie said regretfully. “I already said goodbye to Michelle.”

Rama hesitated, then slowly asked, “Have you...thought about moving back in...any time? In the near future, I mean.”

Jackie paused, thinking about it as he turned to look over the house. It was so familiar to him. It was his home—or at least, it had been, up until...everything happened. And just being inside put him on edge. “You know...it’s not just that it’s ours, i-it’s any place that...sort of looks like the place where...” He trailed off. After all this time, he still hadn’t told Rama anything about Distorter. He wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t a good idea to keep secrets from your spouse. But just...something like that...it seemed like the more people knew about Distorter, the more they were pulled into this situation. They’d already lost Michelle for a bit, he couldn’t bear if...

“I understand,” Rama nodded. “But...we miss you. Even though you visit so often.”

“I know, I miss you too.” Jackie thought about it. “I—I still get pretty anxious, but I’m working on it. With Lisa.” That was his therapist. “Maybe sooner rather than later?”

Rama went silent, then clapped their hands once. “Okay. We’ll buy an apartment.”

“Wh-what?!” Jackie gasped. “Ramram, you can’t do that! It’s expensive, and we’re putting most of your book money towards Michelle’s education—Not to mention it’ll be a whole change, the move might be hard on Mich, especially if it’s too far away from the school and she has to transfer. And we’re in the suburbs because of the quiet for your writing—No, i-it won’t work out, I can’t make you two do that.”

After a moment, Rama slowly nodded. “If you’re sure. Take care of yourself, mi corazón. Do what’s best for you.”

Jackie walked over and gave Rama a quick squeeze of the hand. “I will. You do the same.”

They leaned close and kissed him on the cheek. “Have a good time at work.”

“Thanks. I mean, I’ll try. I’ll see you guys later.”

And with that, he headed over to his car and got inside. Before driving off, he waved at the house one more time. Rama waved back, standing in the yard, and Michelle did, too, watching from the front window. He kept looking at them as he pulled away.

———————

That evening, Jackie was driving back from work, tired after a long day, when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Who could be texting him now? Rama, maybe? Did they want to continue the conversation they had before he went to the hospital? Or maybe it was similarly important. Curious, Jackie pulled over to the side of the road and parked, taking his phone out to check it really quick.

The message was from JJ. Hey Jackie. Sorry, but it’s happened again.

Jackie knew what that meant. He unlocked the phone and replied, Marvin? Whats the problem this time? Symptoms?

Fever again. Sometimes coughing, no sneezing. I thought it was just a cold, but I think it’s getting bad.

Bad? Jackie asked, already worried.

Maybe I’m just paranoid. Thinking about that time he had to stay in the hospital last year. But I’d rather be safe than sorry. Can you pop over?

Jackie didn’t hesitate. Of course. I’ll be right there. But first, how long has he been sick?

JJ paused, probably thinking. Well it really only started the day before yesterday, but about a week ago he got a little sick. He was better by the next day, so I assumed that was it.

Yknow he mightve been pretending to be better?

If he was, I’m going to kill him, JJ immediately replied.

Jackie let out a huff of laughter. Dont kill him before I get there. I’ll be there in ten minutes, tops.

Got it. Thanks.

He put his phone back in his pocket and pulled back onto the road. He really hoped it wasn’t a repeat of what happened last year. That situation had been...worrying. Stressful, even. Because Marvin hadn’t had any official paperwork, they couldn’t get him to the hospital right away, not until Anti could forge some stuff. Poor Marvin had to suffer through a lot before they got everything together. Luckily, they’d gotten him up-to-date with paperwork and vaccines since then, but even so, winter seemed to especially affect his health.

It was unlikely that this would be a similar situation, but just in case, Jackie stepped on the gas.

———————

He arrived at Marvin and Jameson’s house nine minutes later and hurried up to the front door, where he knocked and waited. Almost immediately the door swung open to show Jameson inside. So glad you could make it, he signed. I hope I didn’t message you at an inconvenient time.

“Huh? No, it was fine, I was heading back home, anyway.” Jackie stepped inside, and JJ closed the door behind him. “Is he in his room?”

Unless he left in the last minute, JJ said.

That might actually be a possibility, given Marvin’s attitude towards being sick. Jackie hurried down the hall to his bedroom. The door was closed, so he slowly eased it open and poked his head in. “Marvin? It’s me.”

The lights were off, and the dark room was filled with the sound of an electric fan whirring. Something moved on the bed—probably Marvin rolling over. “Y’got t’be more specific. ‘Me’ coul’ be anyone,” he mumbled.

“It’s Jackie.” As he said this, Jackie reached over and flipped on the light switch, so Marvin could see him as well as hear.

“Ah!” Marvin squeezed his eyes shut against the sudden brightness. “Jackie? Huh. Come for a visit..? No, wait...y’here for somet’ing?”

“Yeah, I’m just uh...stopping by for a bit.” Jackie took a step into the room, JJ following shortly behind, and walked over to the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“‘M fine. Jus’ grand.” Obviously, this was not the case. Marvin was sweating enough to make his hair damp, and his skin had a sickly pallor. But despite how hot he seemed, he was shivering, and had the comforter on the bed pulled up. Mr. Fluffington was sitting next to the pillow, purring furiously. Marvin reached over and petted him for a moment before flinging his arm over his face and covering his eyes. “Ev’ryt’ing’s Jake.”

“Yeah. Um...clearly not.” Jackie looked over at JJ. “Can you go get the—”

Already anticipating what he was going to ask for, JJ walked over to the nearest chair and picked up their first aid kit, coming back over to hand it to Jackie.

“Oh. Thanks.” Jackie took it and started rummaging about inside. “Marv, I’m going to take your temperature, do you mind?”

“A-ha. So it’s a fuckin’...fucking’ check-up I get it...” Marvin trailed off into mumbling under his breath, but didn’t protest as Jackie pulled out the thermometer and took his temperature. After it was done, he rolled over onto his side, practically burying his face in Fluffington’s fur.

Jackie looked down at the thermometer and frowned. 39.2 C...that wasn’t good. Wasn’t good at all. “Marvin? How do you really feel? Like...on the fatigue scale, where would you be?”

Marvin looked back over at him, head rolling lazily. “Hmm...se-seven? Seven and a half?”

“You have a really high fever. Is there anything else, like a headache or something?”

“Well...” Marvin paused to think. His eyes were a bit glazed. “T’ere’s a tickle in my throat. Won’ go ‘way. My nose is all stuffy. Felt a bit sick...sick like...the stomach issues sick. Couldn’ eat anyt’ing ‘cause...bad.”

Jackie glanced over at JJ, hovering nearby. I can second that, JJ said. He didn’t have dinner.

“Alright. It’s probably just a cold,” Jackie said. Yet a note of uncertainty remained in his voice. “A bad one, but you’ll probably be fine.”

So what do we do then? JJ asked.

Jackie hesitated. “Well...” His instincts were telling him not to take any risks, to stay and make sure everything stayed fine. “Given past experiences, is it okay if I spend the night? Just to keep an eye on things.”

“Wha...?” With a fair amount of effort, Marvin sat up. “No, don’ stay over, you’re...you’re prob’ly all busy. Ye jus’ said it was alrigh’.”

“Alright...for now,” Jackie said darkly. “Right now you’re on the edge of ‘a bad cold’ and ‘a serious issue.’ Things could easily get worse in the night, but by tomorrow, it’ll be clear if this is the worst it’ll get or...if there’s more.”

JJ’s expression was filled with anxiety. Is there anything I can do to help?

“Yeah. Get him to take his shirt off.”

Marvin snorted. “Whoa, Jackie, you know Jems and I aren’...aren’ a pair. Not t’at type of pair.”

Jackie rolled his eyes. “Seriously, you need to change your shirt. I know your feelings on short sleeves, but this is making your fever worse.” He turned back to JJ. “Anyway, you know what else. Ibuprofen, water, all that. You already got the fan on, that’s good.”

JJ nodded seriously. Got it. You really want to stay over?

“Well...better safe than sorry, you know? If it starts to go bad, I can recognize it, and we can get him to the hospital really quickly. Is...is it okay?”

Of course it is! You can stay whenever, but especially in this situation. You’re the doctor, after all. JJ smiled gently.

Marvin groaned. “Fffffine, Jackie can stay.”

Jackie smiled a bit at Marvin’s acceptance. But really, him not protesting more was a sign of how bad he felt. At this point, he probably recognized that he needed help, and it wasn’t worth the struggle. “Great. I’ll just have to call Schneep and tell him what’s going on, so he doesn’t get worried when I don’t show up at the flat. But right now, where do you keep the Ibuprofen?”

———————

Marvin and Jameson’s town house didn’t have a guest bedroom, so Jackie had to set up in the living room. Luckily, they did have lots of spare pillows and blankets. But Jackie wasn’t going to sleep right away. He was staying over to keep an eye on things, so that’s what he did. First, by making sure Marvin actually changed clothes into something cooler and more lightweight. Then, by teaming up with JJ to make sure Marvin actually ate dinner. He still didn’t have much of an appetite, but between the two of them, they convinced him that he needed the energy. Oh, and water. He needed lots of water.

In the meantime, Jackie watched some YouTube videos on his phone to pass the time. JJ offered to lend him a book, but Jackie turned him down. He wasn’t in the mood to read, and besides, it would probably take him days to finish with his new work schedule. Every so often, he got up and went into Marvin’s bedroom to check on him. Maybe too often. Marvin quickly got annoyed, though he didn’t have the energy to snap at him.

“Hey, do you need anything?” Jackie asked on perhaps his fifth check-in.

“I need...t’not be so hot,” Marvin replied, a faint note of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you feel worse?” Jackie asked. “Maybe you need to take off the blanket?”

“No.” Marvin briefly buried his face in the pillow before realizing that he couldn’t breathe like that, not while his nose was all congested. “‘f I take off the...the blanket, then ‘m too cold.”

“Ah. Well, maybe a thinner one, then? Here, lemme take your temperature again.”

Marvin didn’t say anything, just allowed the temperature-taking and the blanket-switching. Then he rolled over and closed his eyes, presumably falling asleep immediately.

JJ bounced between being on his computer, being upstairs in his magic workroom, and checking up on and bringing things to Marvin. He constantly seemed distracted, unable to commit to one course of action. Jackie couldn’t blame him. His best friend was sick, and there was a distinct possibility that he could get worse and would need to go to the hospital. Anyone would wander around, unsure what to do.

One time, JJ came into the living room with his laptop and sat down, writing. “What’re you doing?” Jackie asked.

JJ looked up. Work stuff. A lot of emails, mostly.

“Ugh. Work emails.” Jackie shook his head. “Y’know half the time the emails I get aren’t even relevant to me. It’s like ‘Notice: thing in the operating room’ and I’m like ‘you do know I’m just a GP, right? And for kids, too, right?’ Like, I think I’ve been in the operating room twice.”

JJ chuckled weakly. It’s a bit different for me. I have to coordinate rehearsals and effect supplies, book venues, and generally manage and schedule a bunch of people.

“Really? What about your manager? What’s her name, uhhh...Darla? Doesn’t she do that stuff?”

Sort of. It’s like a joint effort. I’m technically in charge, though, so I at least have to approve everything.

Jackie shook his head. “I could never do that. Too much. How do you manage?”

I was a theatre kid, JJ said, shrugging with a half-smile on his face.

“Does having actual magic help?”

Not really, not with all the organizational stuff. If anything, it can make things more complicated, as I have to figure out a trick that I can use with real magic but cover up with tricks and effects. JJ sighed. I really need this to go well, Jackie. It’s the first show since my voice was damaged, it has to work out.

Jackie smiled at him. He leaned over from his position on the sofa and put a hand on JJ’s shoulder, which he could barely reach as JJ was sitting in a different chair. “You’ll do great. Your shows have always been fantastic, and the voice thing isn’t going to change that.”

JJ smiled a bit. Thanks, Jackie. Glad to know you think so.

“We all do. We belieeeeve in youuuu.”

JJ laughed a bit, and returned to his emails.

Eventually, night came. JJ wrapped up his work and reluctantly headed to bed, not wanting to leave Marvin alone and sick. But Jackie assured him that it would be fine. He would be staying up, and if Marvin wanted to talk to JJ specifically, he could go wake him up. Or Marvin could text him. Mostly reassured, Jameson went upstairs to sleep, leaving Jackie awake in the living room.

Jackie checked on Marvin a couple times more, but found him asleep. Exhausted from all the fatigue he was feeling. Good. If he slept well, he’d probably be better in the morning, and they could all relax when it turned out to be a terrible cold, and nothing more.

Watching YouTube videos eventually got boring, so Jackie decided to plug his phone in to charge and do something else for a bit. As it turned out, Mr. Fluffington was still awake as well. So Jackie found a laser pointer in a table drawer in the living room and played with him for a bit. Until, after a while, Fluffington got tired of the red dot, and even the cat went to bed.

Bored again, Jackie put the laser pointer back. He was considering JJ’s offer of lending a book to read, and was looking over the titles of the ones on the living room bookshelves, when he heard...something. Some sort of distant sound. He paused, going still as he listened.

For a while, nothing happened, and everything was silent. But then, he heard it again. A voice? Someone saying something? Maybe it wasn’t words, but instead just sounds...distressed sounds. After a few moments of listening, Jackie realized with a start that the voice was coming from down the hall. The direction of Marvin’s room.

Something must have been wrong. Immediately, Jackie unplugged his phone and pocketed it—just in case—and headed down the hall, half-running. He reached Marvin’s door soon, finding it closed. He didn’t hesitate to open it and step inside. “Marvin?! Is everything okay?”

The room was dark again, pitch black in the night. The fan was off. Strange, it was on last time Jackie was in here. Had Marvin woken up and turned it off? That didn’t matter. He could clearly hear Marvin, crying out and whimpering. Jackie flicked the light switch on and walked over. “Marvin? What’s wrong?”

Marvin didn’t answer, just kept mumbling and crying, sounding frantic. Then, Jackie noticed his eyes were closed. Ah. So he was asleep. Having a nightmare. And a bad one, by the looks of it. His blankets and even his shirt were all twisted around him, which only upset him more, as he seemed to be trying to fight against them. Jackie reached out and put a hand on his head, then immediately pulled it away. He was so hot, the fever burning him up. Jackie turned the fan on and checked the bedside nightstand for anything else. There was a half-empty glass of water and a damp cloth. That would work.

He picked up the damp cloth and tried to put it on Marvin’s head. But Marvin cried out and yanked his head away, shouting...something. Jackie couldn’t quite catch it, but he thought he heard ‘go away’ and ‘don’t want your help.’ “Marvin, it’s me. I-I want to—can you wake up? Wake up, it’s fine.” He reached out to try and untangle the blankets.

That turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Marvin started flailing wildly, tossing, turning, kicking, waving. The blankets restricted his movement, but it was still enough to make him roll off the opposite side of the bed. “Marvin!” Jackie leaned over the bed. “God damn it. I’ll get you, don’t worry.”

As he walked around to the other side, he stopped for a moment. The edge of the blankets were tucked into the gap between the mattress and the footboard. Jackie pulled them out, letting the blankets go free. That made them somewhat less restrictive, but it also meant that Marvin, still moving and struggling, ended up wrapping them loosely around his legs. Which...actually probably didn’t help in the long run. Well, too late now. Jackie knelt down on the ground next to Marvin. “Hey, calm down, it’s fine,” he said, trying to sound soothing as he went about untangling the blankets around him.

It took longer than he expected. Marvin kept wriggling and flailing, but still had his eyes firmly shut as he remained asleep. Jackie tried to wake him up, but to no avail. And he kept muttering the whole time, occasionally whimpering or crying out as if in pain. His words ran together, slurred by sleep-talking, but some distinct phrases popped up: “Get away!” “Don’t you dare...” “Leave me alone!” “...don’t want it.” “Don’t want you.” It hurt Jackie’s heart to hear. Was it the fever causing this nightmare? Or something more?

After a good few minutes, he freed the blankets, leaving them on the floor as he tried to pick up Marvin. Again, the struggling made this difficult. Marvin actively tried to push him away at times...though that mostly turned into him weakly slapping Jackie’s face and arms. But Jackie was determined, and managed to get Marvin back on top of the mattress. Once there, Marvin gave up and went limp, lying there still. Jackie sighed in relief and pressed his hand to his head. Still hot, and his pale skin was damp with sweat. He should wake him up soon, get him to drink some water to replace what he lost with all the sweat. But first, he picked up the damp rag again, using some of the water from the glass to wet it more and make it cooler. He laid the cloth across Marvin’s forehead.

The moment he did, something...unusual started to happen. Marvin whimpered, turned his head to the side, and started to cry. Tears leaked from his eyes as he quietly sobbed and continued to mumble something. The words had changed. Now, Jackie could hear a lot of “No” and “Please don’t” over and over and over. As he listened, stunned, these were broken up by adding “I’m sorry” and “I’ll be good” to the mix, which only shocked him further.

“God. Marvin,” he whispered to himself. No more waiting, he had to wake him up now. He couldn’t handle the thought of leaving him to whatever horrible nightmare he was having. “Marvin, wake up. It’s me, it’s Jackie.” He leaned over and started shaking him. Gently at first, then gradually harder as that failed to wake him up. His voice slowly raised. “Marvin. Marvin! This is Jackie. You need to wake up!”

After what felt like ages, Marvin stopped mumbling. He groaned, and slowly opened his eyes, staring up at Jackie. At first, confused. Then slowly getting his bearings. He reached up and weakly grabbed at the damp cloth on his forehead until he managed to take it off. Then he tried to sit up, but gave up once the fatigue proved too heavy. “Whoa...” he muttered. “I...where...? When...?”

“You’re in your room. In the house you live in with Jameson,” Jackie explained patiently. “It’s...” He checked the time on his phone. “Ha, it’s midnight on the dot.”

“What...?” Marvin swallowed dryly. “What’s the date?”

“December 10th.”

“...the year?”

“2018.”

“Right.” Marvin nodded a bit, then stopped, looking a bit dizzy. Once again, he tried to sit up, and this time Jackie helped him prop himself against the headboard. “D’you...have any water?”

“Yeah.” Jackie grabbed the water glass and offered it to him. Marvin grasped it weakly, and Jackie only let go once he was sure he could hold it securely.

Immediately, Marvin lifted the glass to his mouth and drank, draining the glass. “Th’nk you,” he said, handing it back.

“No problem,” Jackie said, taking it. “I can go get more, if you want. Colder, too.”

Marvin took a deep breath, looking unsure. Actually, he looked more than unsure. He looked...shaken.

“You were...having a bad dream,” Jackie said gently. “I-I could hear you making noise, talking and...shouting and...and crying. So I came to check on you. You were rolling around and fell off at one point, but now you’re awake. A-and you’re alright. You’re safe.”

Marvin stared at him for a while, then looked away and closed his eyes, taking another deep breath. Then, strangely...he laughed. “Bad dream,” he repeated. “‘Tis always a bad dream. T’at’s...only time I remember. Which ‘s...strange...isn’ it? T’at’s not how mem’ry works.”

“Remember?” Jackie blinked. “Remember what?”

A pause. Marvin opened his eyes, but didn’t look directly at Jackie. “If y’coul’...go get water I’d…’preciate it.”

“Do you mean...the time you were with him?” Jackie asked softly.

Marvin stiffened. “How’d you...?”

“How did I guess? I just...” Jackie looked down at his hands. He traced the scars on his wrists and shrugged. “It sounded...familiar.”

The silence that followed stretched on. Jackie was worried he’d overstepped some boundary and was about to leave, when Marvin pulled his knees up and gestured to the end of the bed, now clear without his legs there. “Sit down.”

Jackie sat. “Did I—do you not want to talk about it?”

“You...you r’member, righ’?” Marvin asked. “What happened...when you were with him?”

“Of course. I-I-I couldn’t forget.” Jackie laughed humorlessly. “It’s actually a problem, so much reminds me of it. I had to make Volt throw out his zip-ties, and put away his knives and half his cleaning stuff when I moved in with him, since just looking at them freaked me out. I mean, he’s taken them out again now. ‘Cause it’s a bit better. But I can’t...can’t go home, or into any house that’s even a bit similar to that place, can’t spend too much time inside...” He trailed off. “You...don’t remember anything?”

Marvin hummed, leaning his head back against the wall. “‘T’s strange for me. I don’...I don’ remember how I got here. To the...the ‘when,’ I mean. But I...I’m startin’ t t’ink that...he’s the reason for that.”

“Like...he brought you to the present?” Jackie asked.

“No.” Marvin shook his head a bit, but gave up, wincing a bit. Jackie guessed a headache or something that made the motion worse. “I don’ t’ink he coul’ do t’at. It...it doesn’ really fit him, or...or what he can do. Y’know? But...after I got here, however t’at happened, I...I t’ink I ran into him. A-an’ he decided someone so confused woul’ be an easy target.” He paused for a moment, just breathing. Jackie waited patiently. “I didn’...didn’ r’member any of t’is at first. I forgot ev’ryt’ing between bein’ home, and meeting Jems. But...when I go to sleep, I remember. In my dreams.”

“Well...that can happen sometimes,” Jackie said slowly. “Your brain can block out upsetting stuff. And having nightmares about what happened to you is a common trauma response. At least, that’s what I’ve been told.”

“No, no, I know t’at, but it’s...diff’rent for me,” Marvin insisted. “It’s all...too clear. Like it’s happenin’ for the first time. And...I know the dreams r’lly happened, because...I have scars...that match up.”

At that, Jackie glanced down at Marvin’s arms. He’d noticed the scars before, but hadn’t really thought too much about them. Maybe that said something about him as a friend. Or maybe he just didn’t want to pry. But they definitely existed. Most of them were short lines, probably caused by something sharp, but there were also a few burn scars on Marvin’s upper arms. They were all usually covered by his shirt. Jackie suddenly made a connection. “Is that why you always wear long sleeves?”

“Don’ t’ink so,” Marvin mumbled. “Everyt’ing I say, about proper dress and wantin’ t’keep to a routine and not wantin’ any random people grabbin’ my arm...that’s all true. But...maybe it is a reason, but I jus’ don’ realize it. Is that why you wear your jacket all the time now?”

“Hmm.” Jackie tugged at the cuffs of his hoodie. “No. I mean, it’s related. I just...” He paused, getting his thoughts together. “I didn’t have this while I was with him. I-I left it behind. Or...he did, when he showed up. So it’s just...a reminder that it’s all safe now.”

“Reminder,” Marvin repeated, and nodded, once.

Jackie let out a long exhale. It was really easy to talk to Marvin about all this. He’d had to work up to sharing details like this with his therapist, but now, he was letting them spill. It must have been because he knew Marvin would understand. “I guess if you don’t remember anything, you don’t need a reminder. Right? Ha. I-I wish I didn’t remember.”

Marvin pressed a hand to his head, as if he could feel the empty spots where the missing memories were supposed to be. “I don’ know. I think...I think I’d rather jus’ know. Because...he must’ve done it. He must’ve made me forget. But...why? For what? What’s the purpose? Is there...somet’ing I still don’ know? T’at he wanted to keep secret?”

“Huh. I...didn’t think of that.” Jackie frowned. “You’re right.”

“T’ere’s a lot missing. I’ve dreamt about how...about how we met, but how’d I get out? I dreamt him takin’ my set of playin’ cards, but...why do I feel...they were so important? More t’an just bein’ mine, I mean. And what...what did I do?” Marvin said that last part in a hushed tone.

Jackie stared at him. Then he stood, took a few steps closer to Marvin, and sat back down on the bed, now next to Marvin. He leaned against the headboard instead of sitting on the edge, so the two of them were mirroring each other, side by side. It wasn’t particularly comfortable. The bed was narrow, so he had to sit very close to Marvin, still burning with fever. But...he wanted to. And Marvin didn’t protest. “If you did anything, it wasn’t your fault,” Jackie said softly. “You can’t...do anything in that state.”

Marvin rubbed his eyes. They were starting to water. “You...know?”

Jackie nodded silently.

Taking a shaky breath, Marvin asked, “What...h-how bad...were the things he...made you...?”

After a long moment, Jackie replied. “No one died. But...some were hurt. I think...if I stayed there any longer, it would’ve gotten worse.” He had to stop for a moment. He’d...never told anyone about that. “But it’s...it’s not our fault. It’s Distorter’s. We called him that because he distorts thought, a-and that’s exactly what he did. We aren’t those thoughts he put there, o-or the actions he caused.”

Marvin couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He buried his face in his hands, but Jackie caught a glimpse of them flowing before he could hide them entirely. “I jus’...wish I coul’ remember.” A sob caught in this throat. “I remember feelin’ horrible, I remember screamin’ at him for what he made me do, I remember tryin’ to fight against it...but I don’ remember what I did. I t’ink...I might dream the memory one day. A-an’ I...don’ know...how I’ll react.”

Jackie leaned against him. Reaching up, he took Marvin’s wrist and slowly pulled his hand away from his face, revealing the tear stains and bloodshot eyes. “We aren’t those thoughts,” he repeated, quietly, but firmly. “Those actions weren’t us.”

Marvin stared at him. Then nodded. He looked away. “Will you...stay? For a while?”

“Of course.”

The two of them sat in silence for a long while, the night stretched before them.

———————

The next morning, Jackie woke up to the familiar sounds of someone making breakfast. He opened his eyes and sat up, wincing a bit at the ache in his side and neck. The sofa was clearly designed for sitting, not sleeping. He stretched to try and make it better, then stood and went into the kitchen.

JJ was the one cooking. He waved at Jackie, then asked him for help carrying food to Marvin, still in bed. Jackie agreed and the two of them went down the hall.

Marvin was awake. Sitting up, in fact, with Fluffington in his lap. He thanked the two of them for breakfast. While he ate, Jackie gave him a quick check-up, taking his temperature and asking him basic questions. The fever had distinctly died down, and Marvin reported that he felt really tired, but not nauseous, and he could breathe easier. Jackie and JJ were both immediately relieved.

“So it’s just a cold, then,” Jackie concluded, relaxing for the first time in a full day. “Sorry about all the trouble, you two.”

“Eh, better safe t’an sorry, right?” Marvin shrugged. “And ‘t was...nice to have you over.”

Jackie gave him a gentle smile. Then he said, “I’ll be going now, then. It was nice to be over, too. Though sleeping on the sofa kind of sucked.”

Well you’re wearing jeans, JJ pointed out.

“That’s not a problem, I sleep in jeans a lot.”

What?! JJ gasped, looking personally offended. Jackie, you didn’t tell me you were absolutely out of your mind! How can that be comfortable?!

Jackie laughed. “You get used to it.”

“No, ‘m with Jems on t’is one,” Marvin said, his words slightly muffled as he was speaking into his cup of apple juice.

“I used to take long night shifts at the hospital years ago, and I was so tired that I didn’t even bother to get into pajamas when I got home,” Jackie defended himself. “I mean, I don’t have night shifts anymore, but that’s still a leftover quirk.”

Marvin rolled his eyes. “Didn’ ye say you had to go?”

“Yeah, I told Volt I’d be back in the morning before he went to work at ten. I’ll tell him how you’re doing, by the way. Anti, too.”

“T’anks.” Marvin looked at him. “For...ev’ryt’ing. Be seein’ you.”

“Be seeing you,” Jackie repeated. “And thank you. Goodbye.”

JJ looked confused. He followed Jackie as he headed down the hall to the front door. Before he could leave, he asked, Did something happen?

“Oh. Uhh we had a talk last night,” Jackie said. “About some...serious stuff.”

Ah. I won’t pry, then, JJ said, backing off. Hey, Jackie. Thanks for coming over and staying and everything. I hope it wasn’t an inconvenience.

“It’s never an inconvenience to help a friend. Or, you know, even if there wasn’t a problem, I’d be happy to stay over any time.” Jackie laughed a bit. “Just gotta prepare a bit better next time. Get an air mattress.”

JJ smiled. Still, thank you. It...it really means a lot, you know? I’m sure Marvin’s glad you stop by to check on him when he’s sick, even when he protests. But remember to take care of yourself too, you know?

Jackie nodded. “Thanks, J. I will. But you have to remember that, too. I know you’re busy with your show and now Marvin’s sick and everything, but keep your stress levels down. You worry a lot about everyone else. Might spread yourself too thin.”

JJ sighed. It...has happened before. I’ll try.

“No, you won’t try. You will take care of yourself. Or let Marvin or one of us do it.”

Alright, I get the point, JJ smiled a bit. Hey, by the way, the show starts in January. Opening night is New Year’s Day, actually. You and Henrik and Anti can come see it for free, if you want. The families, too.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Jackie said cheerfully. Rama and Michelle would probably like that. “I’ll see you later, then?”

See you later. Bye, Jackie.

“Bye, JJ.”

Jackie headed out, hurrying to his car, still parked where he left it last night. A few loose snowflakes started to fall from the sky as he climbed inside and turned on the heater.

That was...a night. An unexpected one, but...one he needed. He reflected on it as he started to drive away. Then, he took the turn that would take him to Rama and Michelle’s house—his house. There was still time before he said he’d be back at Schneep’s apartment. He wanted to be with his family again.

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticegos #jacksepticeye fanfiction #jacksepticeye au #septic egos #septic egos au #jackieboy man #dr jackie parker #marvin the magnificent #1920s marvin #jameson jackson #the jaunty jackson #brigid writes fanfiction #septicswitchau

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the-cooler-king · 3 years

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I am just not done dreaming about my best friend yet am I

So I feel like it started in some kind of haunted hotel, I distinctly remember it being kinda creepy and being in the stairwell. The stairs were red carpet but the walls were blank & concrete, like in a parking garage. I dont remember what I was doing here or what I thought I was doing lmao it was a totally normal hotel, just also probably haunted. They always are in my dreams.

Next me and britt were staying together. I got the vibe that we were on vacation together; I assume we were at an airbnb or something, it was a super cute house. One level, I think two bed & bath. It kept changing every time I went into the house. There was a really nice backyard and a cute lil pool in the back - too small to swim in, but it was in ground and well maintained. Every time I went to talk to britt she was in this pool.

At one point I went off for ??? (This mightve been after I went back to sleep after getting up to pee) and I ran into a friend from school... someone tall.... it was either Bobby, his brother Jimmy, or mikey sellers lmao I cant even remember who it was. We were walking this trail together, smoking and showing each other stuff on our phones. There was a website, throughout the dream, I kept logging in to check - my homie sevyn was messaging me about the haunted hotel from earlier, implying that a large group had all gone together and he was asking if I saw some of the cool/weird fixtures too. I remember dropping bobby/jimmy/Mike's phone, and the phone case popping off, and he warned me that it barely worked as it were.

The last thing I really remember was driving to go get food? I was going with a clear goal, specific place to go. I was picking something up for me and britt probably lol but the place I wanted was the LAST turn before going over this massive bridge (the bridges haven't been broken in my dreams for a while now, which is such a nice change lmfao) so I of course passed it and had to cross this huge fuckin bridge... which I did...then I turned around and passed the sandwich place AGAIN. Super mad and seeing the words "dairy queen/Exxon MILLSBORO" gave me such hope. I knew in the dream where Millsboro was HOWEVER I dont know where tf i was supposed to be so I just kept driving until I found a dairy queen. I didn't. But I wound up on that road to the bridge again, and I turned my signal on super early and made the right turn before having to cross. I ran into I think sevyn again but as someone else for some reason? There was a horror novel signing going on in the same strip as the sandwich shop that he was really excited about? Anyway idr getting the snacks but I went back to the place with britt - I recognized it as one of those "I live here irl but I've never seen this place before but it feels like home" like the house we were in was in my development but irl that area doesn't exist? And earlier in the dream I remember the house being right next to the highway? Well anyway I went inside and rummaged around looking for some weed/my pen and went back outside to see britt in the pool again. MEMORY UNLOCKED..... at one point she had gotten out of the pool and we were just standing there, talking. She runs her hands over the front of her stomach and says "im so happy I've lost a bunch of weight... I wanted to be like you, because you fit into everything" and I took in her form, her bathing suit was really loose because she had lost a lot of weight (she still looked healthy, she wasn't skin and bones) but the feeling in my chest welled up and I just started to cry, so I pulled her to me and hugged her because I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be happy for her if she was killing herself over her appearance, I didn't want to be upset with her for doing it either. I just wanted her to be happy and I knew she wasn't and that killed me more than anything I think.

I cant believe I went from dreaming about breaking into her house to read her diary so I could find out if she missed me, to dreaming about living together and having fun together. That's a glo up. I should not kms so I can keep dreaming but shit is hard. My cards told me not to rush but I really fucking want to. I want to live with my best friend and sit in a kiddy pool out back drinking champagne. I want to live with her and lay on the living room floor letting her animals use me as a pillow. I want to clean the house together, do the dishes together, save her from any bug that presents itself. Like I want to simplest of things but it feels like there is so much in my way of getting there... maybe tomorrow ill ask Alice about her move and the agent she used. Maybe I'll have more luck. Idk

#Dream stuff #Literally dreams #Not that youtube guy or w/e this will confuse u if u think it is lol

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that-buckley-gal · 6 years

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Powerless - Chapter Six

June 22, 1943

When I woke up in the morning, sunlight was poking through the otherwise thin curtains. I was grateful that I wasn’t fully exposed to the sun this time. I yawn and stretch and kick my blankets to the floor, instantly regretting it as the cool apartment air gave me a sudden chill. Moaning softly as I shivered, I curled up into a ball and rolled over to my side. My eyes focus on the clock staring back at me, showing that the time was 8:04 AM.

“It’s not like me to sleep in,” I told the clock, my voice thick with sleep. “But I did have a rough night, right? Oh what do you know? You’re just a clock.” I doze off again only to wake up six minutes later, this time more alert. I need to get up. Steve’s coming home and the place is a mess. Add to the fact that I haven’t worked in nearly a week, I felt like a wreck. Cleaning made it easier. I dipped into the bathroom for a moment to make myself look decent; house chore clothes and hair pinned back. I wandered back to the kitchen and began tossing out random items that looked like garbage.

Time obviously flew by as the apartment got tidier and started to smell fresher. Before I knew it, it was already nearing four in the afternoon when I decided I’d take a break. All I had to do was the bedrooms, and Steve’s would just need to be aired out after being left alone for almost a week. I think I should’ve cleaned his sheets or something. Then I decide I should wash them. I get up and enter the room, heading straight for the window for two reasons. The first was to open the one, large window that was in there. The second was to see if old, grouchy Mrs. Craw was putting her stuff on the line in the back; she was. Cursing silently to myself, I move and grab Steve’s blankets and raise them up and shake them a few times and repeating the action with his pillow. I then remake the bed as neatly as I could before moving back out to grab the broom and start sweeping up any and all dust that has collected over the week, not that there was a whole lot to start with. As the dust was collected and promptly thrown into the over-filled garbage can, I set to work scrubbing the place. I supposed that if I was in this position around this time last year and Steve and Bucky walked in, they’d correctly assume that I was ridding myself of the dark place. It wasn’t something I was even remotely fond of, as I knew that the darkness looming over me made me an emotional time bomb. One moment I’d feel perfectly fine alone then I’d feel lonely. If Bucky or Steve showed up, I would become immediately irate with them and they would leave, making me feel lonely once more. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I’d be either really glum about everything, or I’d be really excited for everything: there was no in between. When I was really off, I’d get really hot and bothered just at the thought of Bucky, but I never acted on those impulse instincts, instead berating him for being too handsome and would lock myself away until I was either glum or excited again, pushing away the thoughts of my unwanted thoughts. Cleaning usually helped to ward off the darkness, but not always. It’s still here now, I can feel the moodiness creeping up on me, but I continue to do my work in silence, myself being the only companion at the moment. If Steve wasn’t coming home today, then I knew I’d be calling on my girls to be with me, even if just for an hour. My boys were at war, this they knew, and I was alone. I just plopped back down onto the couch when the apartment door creaked open. I turn to the sound, painfully aware that I am weaponless and exposed. My relief is instant when I catch sight of Steve…or who I believed Steve to be. “Steve?” I ask in disbelief. “Hey, Mads,” he said. His voice was the same. Eyes, facial structure, basically everything was the same. The only painfully obvious differences were in height and build. He was huge! It worked I thought idly as my eyes took in the new appearance as I slowly approached him. He didn’t move as I approached and I briefly wondered why before I realized he might’ve realized I was cleaning. But that shouldn’t automatically cause him to think that I was in the dark – even though I was – for all he knew I could’ve been cleaning as a way of saying “yes I can live alone if I really needed to” and in this case I did. I kept the place from burning down. The same couldn’t be said for Bucky’s apartment. I should probably go check on that later. “I met Peggy,” I announce as I back away. Hugs were going to be reserved for another time when I was sure he wouldn’t crush me. I could see Steve’s brows furrow as he thinks back as to when, why, and how Peggy came to see me. Questions he’d have to find the answers for out on his own later. “And I really like her. She’s pretty, tough…English. I think you two would be really good together.” I take a breath and smirk at my brother. “Not as good as Buck and I, obviously, but a close second for sure.” Steve laughed that deep, genuine laugh of his, and I knew that he was my brother still on the inside. It was exactly like Dr. Erskine said: his good qualities were now great. And his new physique would allow him to go overseas and fight for good like he always wanted to and I was happy for him.

Steve and I spent the night talking about his changes, and I let him know that Peggy spilled the beans about Project Rebirth, which worried and relieved Steve. He also let slip the fact that Dr. Erskine was killed yesterday by a man who Steve gave chase to. “His last words were ‘Hail Hydra’,” Steve explained. “Hydra?” I asked. “Well, that’s original.” “You think so?” Steve asked. “I think that’s dangerous.” He didn’t speak as he finished off the last of his food. I’d finished my own plate a while ago. “You should ask about getting paid for being a test subject,” I said. “Especially now that you’ve torn through everything that was in the fridge.” Steve gave me an impish look before his face fell. “Have you checked out Bucky’s place at all?” “It’s too painful,” I said in a dejected voice. I snuck a glance at Steve to see he looked at the table, lips pursed in thought. “I miss him.” “I know. I do, too.”

We fell into a brief silence before Steve perked up.

“Did you ever get your present from my closet?”

“Um,” I honestly forgot about his note. “No? I’m sorry, this past week has been insane.”

“Understandable,” Steve smiled. “Wait here.” He took off towards his room and I sighed. He returned as quickly as he went, holding a box wrapped in navy wrapping paper with a opal white bow. “Here ye be, happy belated birthday.”

“Thank you,” I said accepting the gift. I practically tore the paper to shreds, revealing the cardboard box underneath. I opened it to find a letter with my name on it, a slightly larger envelope beside it, a small box, and an even smaller velvet box inside. I opted for the velvet box first and opened it to reveal a silver heart-shaped locket.

“Oh, this is beautiful, Steve,” I said and opened it. I could feel my eyes get misty when I saw a picture of my mom holding me when I was a baby on one side, and a picture of her, Steve and myself on the other. “Wow.” I closed it and inspected the locket closer to see there was some kind of symbol engraved on the back of it. “What does this mean?”

“I don’t know; mom wanted to give you the necklace and the letter on your twentieth birthday.”

“Then why…” I didn’t need to finish. Steve didn’t think he was going to come back. “Well thank you, I guess.” I took the letter from mom and went to open it, but stopped. “I’m going to wait to open this.”

“Are you sure?” Steve asked. I could tell he wanted to know what it said as well and I nodded.

I took the other small box out next and opened it to find a grey and red scarf with matching beanie and gloves in it. “Wow, Steve. Thank you!” I laughed and put the gloves on right away to see they fit perfectly. I also draped the scarf around me. “This is great; exactly what I need for the winter.”

Steve smiled. “Well I know you weren’t too happy when you found out me and Buck lost your other set on that snowman. I figured it’s better late than never to replace that.”

“You are simplifying it, brother. But thank you.”

I opened the card next to find a handmade card from Steve, with $25 inside. I tried to give it back to Steve, insisting he earned it but he said it was for me and that he wouldn’t take it back, so I begrudgingly put it in my purse. I thanked my brother with a final hug before retreating to my room for the night, with the letter from my mother weighing me down.

#powerless #bucky barnes #steve rogers #captain america #the first avenger

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