#aka being able to do the dishes without having a panic attack

[unhinged-nymph]

.

[og-danny-dorito]

Hannibal Lecter Headcanons

(my gay ass over here thirsting over a godamned cannibal, why did god create this walking disaster of horniness and unbridled depression)

S F W :

- as you may know, Hannibal Lecter is a man no short of expectations, a walking spectacle of perfection itself on the surface but a complicated being underneath to test the limits of what a monster really means

- he smokes

- while he's not an avid chain smoker he does do it every once in a while, like after killing someone who was particularly difficult or pondering something that requires deep thought

- he understands if you don't smoke or don't want to have him smoking around you, he'd rather be polite than give into whatever desire he's feeling. he can't stand the shitty ones though, they're just nasty

- he's had a lot of lovers in his life, but he only remembers vividly the few that did not try to change some of his habits out of fear

- he doesn't feel much emotion at all, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel

- although he may not admit it, he wants to be accepted by whoever he cares for over all else. this can tie back to his sister, although he barely feels it since when he was a very young man, not long after her death. he'd rather feel needed, wanted really. but this is only felt in certain moments, such as sitting in silence in a room with someone or watching their movements as they do basic actions that's can entail deeper meanings

- he's very, very good at body language and how to interpret it (obviously) and how to deal with social situations

- as a physiologist he's seen a lot of different mental cases, states of mind, viewpoints, problems, etc. and so being in a relationship with someone who might have something along those lines is literally not a problem (i mean he technically fell in love with will so-)

- I mean it's his job, so he knows how to calm down someone having a panic attack in no time, but if it'ssomeone closer to him he may have a moment of concern before dealing with it accordingly

- feelings aren't exactly something he's used to, for the most part so it'll freak him out a little if he finds himself caring for someone fairly easily. of course he still feels, it's just not as intense as it used to be. it's partially why he “slips” easily when there's a particular event with someone he genuinely cares about, leaving him in a slightly shocked state of acting upon instinct before treating it like anything else

- he's very self controlled, both physically and mentally

- I headcanon that when he was a teenager/young adult (watch Hannibal Rising to get what I mean) he was much less in control of what he felt in that moment. for instance, crying when Lady Murasaki told him to forgive the men he was intending to kill. it must've hurt to have someone so close to him be so disgusted with him like that

- this can also mean that he only feels afflicted emotionally by those he's very close to. lovers not really, but people he considers as those he needs to be up to a particular standard to outside of the realm of decency? it hurts when you look at him like you're scared of him, dissaproving of what he's doing as if you're negating his efforts

- he cares about you, only you

- seriously, there's not much he genuinely cares about enough to want to keep safe for all eternity, but you're his everything. you're not just some fucktoy, you're a person, a mind, and he wants to control and watch you tick like a clock he intends to take apart and rebuild. seriously, he just wants you to love him as much as he loves you

- it's very likely that you were kidnapped against your will

- he doesn't want a partner he can control, or minipulate easily without a serious challenge. he's not much of a sadist, but he'd like to see you strain under whatever kindof inflictions he's dealing mentally. he wants to see you resist, try to fight back. it's no time any fun to dissect something that's fragile and weak

- like Michael Myers (Aka: 100% That Bitch) he wants someone strong and full of courage, someone he can see fighting for the innocent or fighting to protect something till the end of the line. your courage is what really gets to him, the fact that you won't let anyone run over you regardless of who they are

- your fighting spirit also gets him just a little bit exited when you talk back to him or snap at him when he's angry with you just an fyi

- anyway back to the less horny shit

- this may seem off topic but do you remember when deadpool’s creator said he was “pansexual” by giving a really bad definition for it and lowkey seeming kindof ignorant on what being pansexual is?

- Hannibal is sort of like that pansexual, but think of him as only liking someone when it's convenient. usually he only pretends to be romantically interested in someone because it gains him the upper hand, both males and females, but down to his core he's probably not capable of falling in love with someone unless he seriously, genuinely means it. so far this has only been males and females (cough cough lady murasaki, will graham, etc. cough cough)

- for him to genuinely love someone you need to first love him platonically, actually giving off the feeling of really caring for his wellbeing, even if he does eat people. unless he doesn't really like you prior to having you love him, he'll end up finding himself drawn to you

- it's very rare that he'll love someone first, but in the instance he does it'll probably end in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of thing where you end up loving him eventually. it's kindof dogmatic, but I mean that's just how it is. he's an intelligent psychopath with an understand of humans’ brain patterns. do you really not expect him to use that to his advantage?

- if you do expect it tho and you're still into that then you may just be a horny bastard dude idk what to tell u

- phsycially id suspect that he'd want someone who physically is weaker than him. it's a reminder of sorts, that he still has power over you no matter what. if you're shorter he's definitely into that too but this doesn't mean he isn't into beefcakes

- tbh, he kindof likes a rugged sort of look on someone. while he does like to feel powerful, he also enjoys being able to have a worthy opponent. scars are also fascinating to him. to him it's almost like art, precious and unique in their own way. plus, he himself said they were reminders of the past, so they must have good stories attached to them

- oOO ppl in suits are nice too. like godam dude if you walk up wearing a nice suit looking all clean cut n shit there's a 100% chance you're getting rawed before you can even walk out the door

- in his free time, he'd rather spend time with you above all else. simply having you in the room is nice for him, regardless of how busy he is. if he's working he'd prefer you on his lap or sitting right next to him

- physical affection is something he's actually pretty damn good with, considering his hand is almost always on you. you can think of this as one of his Jedi mind tricks to let you know you're his, but he's kindof shy about it in public the first time

- but his shyness changes once he sees that if his hand isn't directly on you people...gawk at you. and he HATES that

- you'll feel a sudden hand fly to your waist, pulling you closer as he seems not to even register what he's doing. you squeak

- “h-hey! What was that for?”

- “Should I have asked permission first, or do you like the roughness?”

- “Is this because that guy was looking at me too much?”

- “...are you implying that I'm jealous?”

- “Oh my god-”

- yeah, he’ll deny it when asked if he's being jealous, but he is. he's very, very jealous and very very possessive. of course he's already pretty well composed, and he's a master at hiding his facial expressions, but that doesn't mean he won't quirk a brow or exhale slowly if you're being provoked in any way shape or form. expect the person who was annoying you to be gone. but don't worry about their suspicious dissapearence, instead sit down and have dinner! he's serving a nice pot pie with some Brussels sprouts and whatever other side dish you want! where'd the meat come from? that's not important, just relax

- he's sure he made the person more exquisite now that you actually enjoy them without having to talk to them

- oh! he obviously does most of the cooking, but if you can cook he's definitely up to critique and give you advice. of course you can only use his cuts of meat, and he'd much rather help you with cooking than let you do all the work. domestically he's the perfect partner since he's already fairly good at living on his own, and prefers to take care of others rather than get taken care of

- idealy he'd like to go out to a nice place to eat for a date, or just spending some time alone with you in front of the fire is fine with him. as long as you're near him. he dislikes places where there's too many people or just not a good area of town to be in in the first place, but honestly he's always been inclined to things that reek of upper class or fancy themes

- he loves to spoil you too, buying you nice things or nice clothes and making you wear them almost all the time. he doesn't really expect anything in return, but if you can't figure out a gift that's within your paycheck you can always make him something or pay him in - EHEM - other ways (you know what I mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

- although it's kindof sad, he's got a lot of ptsd from when he was a child. of course he's not open to talking about it, but just staying with him when he has a nightmare or placing your hands on his waist when he's in that state will calm him down in no time, although it's very rare 

- he'd never hurt you, but he can grow a bit distant at times when he's particularly angry. if your relationship is more manipulative, he might resort to mental abuse as a way to keep you in line. but it's unlikely you'll even be living for very long if that's what your relationship is

- hannibal’s a man of few words, so he may not say I love you very often. he means it though when he does, although it's hard to get out the first time

- he's a one of a kind lover outside of the whole killing people thing, so once you actually get used to his cannibalistic ways and meet all his standards so as not to hurt you, expect to be treated like a queen/king that even outshines the greatest nobles. you are his, and it will take divine intervention from Satan himself to keep you apart as far as he's concerned

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 48.5 (aka the Nilex Date Oneshot)

Written by: Allegra, Sol

Edited by: Allegra

—

Nick was still getting used to being off the ventilator. It had only been a few hours, but it was already easier for him to breathe on his own. As he wobbled around the flat, happy just to be back on his feet, Alex stopped him.

“I think we should go on a real date, Nick. It’s about time.”

Nick grinned and blushed. “Yeah. It’s time.”

“I think I know a good restaurant we could go to tonight,” Alex smiled and reached for the phone, “I’ll make a reservation.”

Nick nodded and went to sit on the couch, his legs tired from walking around the flat. He threw his crutches aside. A date. At a restaurant. Nick thought back to the last time he’d been anywhere fancy, which was… never. He had gotten so used to eating cheese sandwiches with Lukas that Alex’s home cooked meals deserved Michelin stars.

"Alright, we're all set for 7:30!" Alex walked back into the room and set his phone on the table. "Want to go get ready?"

"Get ready?" Nick asked, looking down at his hoodie-and-jeans combo. "We're not ready?"

"We have to dress up! Come on!" Alex bounded off to the bedroom. Nick grabbed his crutches and followed behind as best as he could.

Nick rummaged around his bedroom for a proper outfit, but didn’t know what to look for. What about what he wore onstage? That should be good enough.

“Uh… I don’t think that’s a good look for tonight,” Alex laughed softly as Nick came out of his bedroom in a red and blue patterned shirt and white dress pants. “You look like the flag of the UK.”

Nick frowned slightly and began to retreat back into his room, wobbling a bit on his crutches from standing for so long.

“No, wait, I’ll help you.” Alex followed Nick, holding Nick's shoulders as he sat down carefully on the bed and leaned his crutches against the wall. "You get undressed and I'll look in your closet."

"Trying to get me naked?" Nick said with an impish grin. Alex raised his eyebrows. Nick was flirting? This was new and unexpected. And nice.

"And what if I am?" Alex attempted to wiggle his eyebrows at Nick, who simply giggled and began unbuttoning his shirt. Alex turned back to the closet and the task at hand. He shuffled through Nick’s clothes, trying to find something that would work. Although he and Nick had gone out to look for clothes before he was injured, he still couldn’t find much in Nick’s closet.

Nick watched Alex from the bed, worried that his rummaging hands would come across a stray bottle cap or straw that he pocketed somewhere. He didn't want Alex to find out and throw it away.

“Hm… I think you have some pants in here that would go well with one of my shirts,” Alex suggested, tossing a pair of pants to Nick. “I’ll be right back.”

Alex went to his room and pulled out a light blue shirt from his closet. It was a bit small on him, anyway, and Nick would probably like it. He returned to Nick's room, holding the shirt up in front of his face triumphantly. "What do you think?"

"Good..." Nick said softly. Alex lowered his hands and only then did he realize that while Nick had removed his pants with no trouble, his shirt still hung unbuttoned on his shoulders.

"Oh...do you need help?"

Nick nodded, looking slightly ashamed. "It hurts to lift them..."

Alex got right to work, slipping the red and blue shirt off his arms and replacing it with the pale blue one.

Nick smiled when he saw his finished outfit. After two months of dressing for bed, Nick was happy to be wearing something a bit more classy. He stood up and took a few wobbly steps to the mirror, his face lighting up at the sight. "Thanks," he said. "I love it."

Alex came up behind Nick and wrapped his arms around him. "You look amazing," he said with a small smile. He grabbed Nick by the waist and turned him around, meeting his gaze and pulling him in for a kiss. Nick made the softest, sweetest noise that Alex had ever heard and his heart melted. This was nothing like the way Nick had attacked Alex in the car earlier, but it still felt so right. Alex loved Nick. And right now, he needed to show him.

"Love you," Nick breathed, as if reading Alex's mind. He locked his arms around Alex's waist and kissed him back deeply.

After a few minutes of kissing, holding, touching, Alex broke away. "I need to go get dressed or we're never going to leave this flat." He grinned and gave Nick one more kiss on the cheek before heading to his own room. Nick plopped himself back on the bed to rest, his face flushed.

Alex came back a few minutes later to get Nick to bring him to the car. “Are you ready?”

Nick nodded excitedly and grinned up at Alex. He admired Alex's pink shirt and black tie, tucked loosely into skinny black trousers. Alex helped him up and handed him his crutches.

“If you get tired, just let me know,” he said softly, kissing Nick’s forehead.

They made their way down to the car slowly, but Alex assured Nick that they would make it to their reservation on time. Nick was out of breath by the time they reached the car.

"Want me to bring your wheelchair just in case?" Alex asked. At Nick's nod, Alex dashed back inside, returning a few moments later with the chair. He helped Nick into the passenger seat and placed the wheelchair in the back like so many times before.

“You did a great job getting down here,” Alex smiled as he reached to squeeze Nick’s hand. Nick smiled back, though he was puzzled as to why Alex was telling him this. Did he do a great job? He didn't feel like he had. He hadn't been able to get to the car without losing his breath. He hadn't even been able to change his own shirt. He probably didn't even deserve to be going on this date. Nick bit his lip and willed his anxiety to disappear. He squeezed Alex's hand back without saying anything.

By the time they arrived at the fanciest Japanese restaurant around, Nick had caught his breath and was ready to go. He opted for his crutches and off they went.

Nick immediately froze when they walked in. There were so many people, all looking so comfortable and happy… Alex looked confident as well. Somehow, Nick just hadn’t accepted that going out for dinner was a normal thing to do. He sighed to shake his bad thoughts away and tried to see the bright side. He was spending time with Alex and had finally made it out of the flat. You're being silly, he thought to himself. Everything is fine.

As the hostess led them through the restaurant, Nick could feel all eyes on him as he slowly hobbled along on his crutches. They were all staring at him, he knew it. They thought he was weird. They were going to laugh about him after he passed by.

Nick was already out of breath by the time they reached the table. The ambient lighting and loud atmosphere didn’t help, either. He was overwhelmed, and Alex could see it. Did he make the right decision by bringing Nick on a date so soon after he was cleared?

Nick watched as the waitress filled up his glass with water. It swirled and bubbled in the glass, and Nick was so thirsty from walking so far. But… he couldn’t bring himself to drink it. Alex looked at Nick and took a sip from his glass, trying to signal that it was ok to drink it. Nick picked up his glass and took a small sip. Everything was ok. He smiled and drank more, managing to drink the whole thing before Alex even drank half of his.

“What do you think you’re going to order, Nick?” Alex asked from across the table, looking happy and just a bit too comfortable being out of the flat.

Nick looked down at the menu. The words were all jumbled and the lack of pictures didn’t help. He looked back up at Alex and shrugged.

“What are you in the mood for?”

Nick thought for a moment, not used to having a choice. “Noodles? Pasta?” he said quietly.

Alex smiled and directed Nick to the udon section of the menu, “I think you’ll like udon!”

“Oh...okay…” Nick studied the page, reading the descriptions of all of the dishes but not retaining any of them. The words all blended together, swirling around. He decided that he would just have to trust Alex’s judgment.

The waitress returned a few minutes later and looked at them expectantly. Nick followed what Alex was doing and closed his menu. He tried to take a deep breath as he prepared himself to order. “Can I...have...udon? Please?” Nick said softly. He looked up at Alex, afraid that he had done something wrong. Alex gave him an encouraging nod.

“Okay, what kind?” Nick froze. He actually had done something wrong. Trying his hardest not to panic, he opened the menu to the udon section again. The words still weren’t making sense. He had no idea what to do.

“Miso udon,” Alex said calmly, looking at Nick. “I think you’ll like that.” The waitress nodded. Nick stared at Alex, wanting to thank him but not finding the words fast enough. “I’ll have the same.”

The waitress jotted the order down. “And to drink?”

“Water is fine for both of us. And can we also have a rainbow roll?”

“Sure! Your food will be out shortly.”

Nick looked back up at Alex as soon as the waitress walked away, relieved to finally be done ordering.

“That was great!” Alex grinned, trying to encourage Nick to feel more confident about his social skills.

“Really…?” Nick smiled to himself.

“Yeah!” Alex laughed, “you’ve really come so far since I met you. I’m proud of you!”

Nick giggled softly, looking back down at the table. That was a habit he was going to have to break. Back home, showing weakness was a death sentence.

After a few minutes of chatting, Alex’s rainbow roll finally came. Nick observed it, and thought about asking Alex if he could have some. Before he could say anything, Alex split the roll in half and dropped half onto Nick’s plate.

“This is a rainbow roll,” Alex explained, “there’s crab and avocado on the inside and there’s fish on top! Yours have salmon and tuna on top. I saved the more exotic stuff for mine, don’t worry.”

Nick nodded, a bit apprehensive about trying the roll. He looked down at the table and found chopsticks. He looked up at Alex again, confused.

“Like this,” Alex showed Nick how to hold them. After Nick tried and failed, he helped position Nick’s hand. “There.” Nick nodded and carefully lifted a piece of the roll up to his face. He took a moment to inspect it - he'd never had sushi before, but it certainly looked pretty. He attempted to eat a small bite of it before Alex interjected, "It's easier to eat it all at once. You can spit it out if you don't like it. I won't mind."

Nick took one final look before popping the entire piece in his mouth. He chewed carefully. It was like nothing he had ever eaten before, but it was surprisingly good.

“You like it?” Alex asked, beaming.

Nick nodded and gave Alex and thumbs up. He enjoyed getting to try new things with Alex, and food was no exception.

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully, Nick and Alex savoring their sushi and noodles. As it turned out, Alex had been right - Nick loved his miso udon. The salty broth and soft noodles were a delight. It made him feel warm and cozy, a lot like Lukas’s grilled cheese, but definitely much better. It was comforting.

Alex slipped his arm around Nick’s waist as they made their way back out to the car. Nick awkwardly craned his neck to press a kiss against Alex’s shoulder. Alex giggled and gave Nick a squeeze. “I’m so glad we can finally go on dates,” he said, fumbling around in his coat pocket with his free hand.

“Me too,” Nick replied, shivering slightly as a breeze hit them. “Let’s do it again soon?”

“Of course!” Alex finally pulled his car keys out of his pocket. “But this date isn’t over…”

“It’s not? Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” Alex smiled as he unlocked the passenger door for Nick.

The buildings and trees and traffic lights whizzed by as Alex drove them down roads that Nick had never seen before. Even though he had lived in the city for nearly half a year, there was still so much of Glasgow that Nick hadn’t gotten to explore yet, particularly since he had barely been outside for the last two months. Nick watched as the city lights turned into fields and blinking cell towers. Finally. Alex flicked on the radio and smiled as Heavy Metal Drummer by Wilco faded in.

“Y’know, Nick, I think I fell in love with a drummer too,” Alex grinned as he tapped along to the beat of the song.

Nick looked up quizzically, wondering if Alex had finally found someone else to love.

“Well, wasn’t that the instrument you wanted to play in the band at first?” He laughed and reached over to squeeze Nick’s hand.

Nick nodded and laughed, eyes sparkling. “I’m in love with…” Nick looked up at Alex, his face glowing in the streetlights and the moonlight, “you.”

Alex lifted Nick’s hand and kissed it. “And I’m in love with you, Nitzki.”

Nick hummed softly and leaned back in his seat. “Where are we going, anyway? There’s nothing out here…”

“You’ll see,” Alex said again. “Be patient.” Nick nodded and continued staring out the window.

A few minutes later, Alex turned into a small car park off the side of the road. The area was quiet and still - and very, very dark, Nick noticed, aside from a couple of street lamps illuminating the parking area. Nick took a deep breath of the frigid winter air as he climbed out of the car, situating himself on his crutches. He had missed this.

“Ready?” Alex asked as he walked around the side of the car, holding a blanket that he had retrieved from the boot.

“Yeah…” Nick said, hesitantly. “I’m not really sure what I’m ready for…”

“Remember that night we were looking out the window and you told me that you’ve never gone stargazing before?”

“Stargazing!” Nick yelled, slightly taken aback at just how loud his voice was. He grinned and walked over to Alex, placing a firm kiss on his lips. “Let’s go!”

“Alright!” They walked across the car park and into a worn path in a field. As they approached the large hill looming above them, Nick looked up nervously. “It’s really steep…”

Alex looked up too. “Okay...well...do you think you can walk? I’ll hold you up…”

Nick took a deep breath and nodded. He wasn’t entirely sure if he could, but he also wasn’t going to let this night be a complete failure.

Alex shifted the blanket to his left arm and placed his right around Nick’s shoulders. “You got it,” he reassured him. They began to walk, slowly but steadily up the hill. Alex tried to sense how Nick was feeling, gauging when he needed to slow down to give Nick a break.

Alex was thrilled that Nick was walking at all, let alone up a hill in the middle of the night. No sooner had this thought formed in his mind than Nick suddenly stumbled and nearly toppled over backwards. Alex wrapped both of his arms around Nick now, holding him tighter. “Are you alright?!”

Nick felt dazed as he stopped to catch his breath. “Yeah...I’m fine.” He pressed on, leaning back into Alex’s embrace for support.

Once they reached the top, Alex spread the blanket across the grass and sat. Nick plopped down beside him, laying his crutches in the grass. Nick paused for a moment to admire the view. In the distance, he could just barely make out the city lights of Glasgow. Above them lay only stars.

Alex scooted closer to Nick, then wrapped the edge of the blanket over them as best as he could. The two of them laid quietly for a while, taking in the night sky and the cold December air. Alex snuggled against Nick's side and wrapped his arms around Nick. Nick reached up with his left hand and clutched Alex's tightly. They exchanged soft kisses as they snuggled. As content as Nick was, happier than he had been in months, he still felt himself beginning to shiver furiously.

Alex pulled the blanket tightly around them. "Alright?" he asked. "We can go back to the car if you need to…"

Nick shook his head. "Want to stay…"

"Me too," Alex replied, smiling. He slipped a leg over Nick's, seeking any sort of contact. Anything to make sure Nick was okay. He gave Nick a kiss on his cheek, then on his forehead. "Do you know how much I love you?"

Nick beamed and reached to snuggle Alex. “Not as much as I love you,” Nick murmured and nuzzled Alex gently.

Alex smiled and reached up to stroke Nick’s cheek. When he did, it felt cold. Almost as cold as the air around them. “Ah… Nick?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“You’re ice cold. Are you sure you don’t want to go back to the car?” Nick shook his head and held Alex tighter. His entire body was shivering, but he tried his best to conceal it under the blanket. "Nick... we've got to go." Alex couldn't bear the thought of Nick going back to the hospital again. Maybe this had been a terrible idea. Maybe Alex had inadvertently set Nick's progress back. He stood up suddenly and grabbed Nick's hands to try and pull him up.

“Alex, come on!” Nick felt himself getting frustrated. They had spent all this time struggling to get to the top of the hill and this is how it was going to end? He yanked Alex’s arm, nearly making him topple over.

“Nick,” Alex said quietly. “Please. I don’t want you to get sick again.”

Nick sighed and stood up. Without Alex’s warmth beside him, he suddenly noticed just how much his teeth were chattering. “I always ruin everything.”

“No, no,” Alex said, holding the blanket in a messy bundle against his chest. “Not at all. We’ll go home and have some cocoa and watch a movie. And you can have all the cuddles you want.”

Nick nodded as he leaned into his crutches and began to make his way down the hill, too embarrassed to look at Alex. Even though he knew Alex would make good on his promise to continue the night at home, he still couldn’t help feeling like he had failed.

--

“Nick, we’re home,” Alex said softly as he stroked Nick’s hair, standing outside of the car, waiting for him to wake up.

Nick opened his eyes and blinked a few times, and then looked over to Alex. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. For basically the whole drive,” Alex laughed. “Ready to get out?”

After a warm bath, Nick got dressed again, slipping on clean pajamas and fuzzy socks and one of Alex’s hoodies. He settled himself on the couch as Alex busied himself in the kitchen, eventually returning with two mugs of cocoa, a package of biscuits, and a heating pad, which he tossed into Nick’s lap. “Sorry it’s not too fancy,” he laughed as he set the food and drinks down on the table.

“It doesn’t need to be,” Nick replied, warming his hands beneath the pad. He looked over at Alex as he sat down beside him, his cheeks rosy from the cold and his green eyes sparkling. “Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for everything tonight,” Nick said softly. “I”m sorry I was a jerk before.”

“It’s okay,” Alex replied as he pulled Nick into his arms, kissing his temple. “I know you didn’t want to leave. But we can go back when it’s nicer out, yeah? And maybe we can bring Steck next time, too.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Nick lifted himself up and settled in Alex’s lap, their noses touching. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Alex smiled, pressing his lips to Nick’s.

[skywalkersapprentice]

so when I saw infinity war the second time, i brought a pen and a notebook with me and took notes in the dark the whole time. for my second endgame viewing yesterday, i did the same. i now present to you my Thoughts About Endgame. (this is. long.) 

Major Spoilers Ahead.

okay seriously, nobody called clint up when there was a giant invasion in wakanda??? nobody???

also it was daytime in wakanda when the snap happened. it’s also daytime wherever clint is in america when the snap happens. someone explain.

god the dawning panic when clint realizes his family is gone. that whole scene is so empty and unsettling, it was shot really well

i automatically associate 80s music with space thanks to marvel. 

tony stark adopting strays everywhere he goes since 2013.... i love this about him

nebula finally got to win something!!!! “it was fun.”

and then she gives him their final ration. i’m- :((((

back on earth..... thank god the beard is gone.

“I lost the kid” tony’s face wow that’s devastating, no thanks

“Is um...” what was tony going to say after that??

“I thought you were a build-a-bear.” “Maybe I am.” fuckign.... tony please sdfgdfg

“And I needed you.” tony :(((

“No trust. Liar.” this entire scene is just. chilling. heartbreaking. tony has nothing left for anyone, and especially nothing left for steve, except-

him ripping the metaphorical heart out of his chest and handing it to steve made me literally gasp the first time i watched this film. i feel like it hasn’t been talked about enough, but it’s incredibly poetic.

“where are you going?” “to kill thanos” i haven’t seen captain marvel but i’m already in love with carol danvers

and now they have hope, they still think they can bring everyone back... what a dangerous thing

suddenly steve is looking at his locket of peggy all the time.starting in this film only. can we let him grieve for his actual friends?? you know, the ones he just lost? does he even mention sam or bucky in the entire film?  alright russos, i have several bones to pick with you about this, but alright....

i gotta say, when i first watched this i was astounded that thanos destroyed the stones and then got beheaded in the first twenty minutes. it really left me wondering, well- what now? and that was exciting.

five years later. i mean, we knew there would be a time jump, but i wasn’t expecting this.

we’re really calling this cameo by russo representation huh

lol

and like??? steve brings up nobody he lost in the snap, instead chosing to focus on “the love of his life” that he met and lost in 1945. this struck me as odd the first time i watched and now i’m like. man they’re really trying 2 justify their later decision, huh

so they’re calling those who were snapped “The Vanished” according to the sanfran memorial

avengers r still a thing and their complex has actually grown in size?? who is funding this. is it tony

my next note just says HAIR SDFDSDFG aka heLLO carol danvers

nat :((((

crying and eating a sandwich is a mood

god. the quiet grief

natasha romanoff has come such a long way from her introduction in iron man 2. she cries freely, loves her family, actively wants to be a better person, even if a lot of her family isn’t around today. i just- love her so much.

“we both need to get a life.” “you first.” goddamnit

i.... love happy, peaceful, good dad Tony Stark, so much.

“define lunch or be disintegrated” morgan h stark is so cute

“you like going in the garage, huh? so does daddy.” tony was already so proud of her god i just :((((

me, zooming in on nat: ARROW NECKLACE

does she only wear that when she’s missing clint, or

I’m truly in my feelings about Tony being The Best Dad

Bruce apparently spent 18 months in a gamma lab, which is interesting.

god the scene with the kids asking for a selfie was so cringe are you telling me they could include this but steve couldn’t mourn for his friends

tony does dishes now. a true housedad.

that’s!!!! his first son!!!!!! :((((((

can you believe it was peter parker who pushed tony to invent time travel

“i’ve got something on my mind.” “is it juice pops?” i’m just thinking now about how howard most definitely would have sent tony straight to bed, but tony lets morgan stay up and eat juice pops with him. this is just. straight up great content.  

“I love you 3000″ can you just. his face when she says that. also i’m never getting over that phrase ever

“I can stop,” Tony says, on the brink of inventing time travel.

“But would you be able to rest?” says Pepper, who has been trying and failing to get him to stop for a good 15 years.

the parallels between this and her last words to tony. ouch.

this is such a good and steady relationship now :(.

sdfgfdfg why is steve dressing like he’s from the 40s again is this a visual sign of his regression

god they did thor so dirty in this film. not with his character- him falling into great depression and having ptsd is not a bad thing, but treating it like a joke is. the audience is invited to laugh at him. Bad.

thor threatening “noobmaster69″ over the headset for his rock friend is very funny though.

hey tokyo looks alright compared to a lot of america.

every single clintasha scene in this film kills the man.

also everyone knows thanos’s name. i assume that means the world knows why everyone disappeared.

“you’re only a genius on earth” yeah but who invented time travel, rocket

rhodey wanting to straight up murder baby thanos is hilarious

the explanations of time travel in this film give me a headache

“TIME HEIST BRAINSTORMING SESSION”

bruce, nat and tony all laying around throwing ideas back and forth.... this movie is valid sometimes

“see you in a minute,” natasha says, and she’s smiling.

this is her family you guys :(((((

NEW YORK 2012

MY FAVOURITE SCENE

omg bruce making such a halfhearted attempt at smashing things please i love

okay cut to 2013 Asgard, and Thor sneaks right by his currently dead brother without even looking at him. this movie confuses me

fuck the scene where rocket slaps thor for having a panic attack. i’m glad thor ended up abandoning him.

okay so everything important happens between 2012-2014

cap/tony/scott, clintasha, nebula/rhodey.... these are such ideal teamups

“we’re a long way from budapest” give me my clintasha movie, marvel!!!

okay back in 2012, HOW did JARVIS not register the fact that there were two steves and two tonys in Stark Tower

god this entire scene is fucking hilarious the entire mcu was worth everything for the 2012 time travel scene

fuckign.... loki

ELEVATOR SCENE

as a cap 2 stan i feel so validated

HA IL HYDRA

WHEN I SAY I GASPED IN DELIGHT

CAP VS CAP

“I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY”

“YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW”

sadfgfdfg are u really telling me that cap takes the peggy locket everywhere

BUCKY IS ALIVE

THAT IS AMERICAS ASS SDFGFSDF PLEASE

2012 avengers best avengers

meanwhile the sorcerer lady is giving bruce a time travel lesson and i didn’t understand any of it but basically each reality requires six stones in order to not be torn apart by the forces of darkness? ??

I’m just glad thor got some kind of closure by talking to his mom

side note you can definitely tell that frigga raised loki

“EAT A SALAD”

“i’m still worthy” asdfgfdf yeah but now this timeline thor has no hammer!!!

QUILL SDFGFDSDFGHFDS

this movie is so entertaining

i live for nebula and rhodey just judging everyone

so do the guardians just.... not happen in the 2014 timeline?

gamora is ready to Fight thanos when the maw threatens nebula

was that young alexander pierce headed underground in 1970?

bone 2 pick with this whole time travel thing

thor got closure by talking to his mom

tony got closure by talking to his dad

steve saw peggy working, successful and thriving, through a window. closure where????

he should have gotten a chance to talk to her and received closure that way.

hank pym is an asshole but i guess we already knew that

“my wife is expecting” so tony was born 1970/1971 ig

howard’s dad beat him with a belt. i suppose every stark does a little better parenting-wise

Jarvis!!!!!!! agent carter is canon!!!!

vormir oh god here we go

“under different circumstances, this would be totally awesome” i’m inclined to agree with clint

this part goddamit

handholding :((((

my next note just says “aveng ers 1 paralels fu k”

the way this was filmed was beautiful. the colours, the lighting, the acting, the dialogue, the parallels to the first clintasha fight in avengers 1..... if natasha had to die, this was.... a good death, i think.

“damn you!”

“it’s okay.”

clint is begging her this hurts so much :(((

god. tears.

clint just sobbing in the water with the soul stone in his hand hits some kind of way

where is natasha’s funeral, huh??? why does steve shed like one (1) tear?

also why does the gauntlet need to physically be snapped like what does that dO

i just realized that thor’s fake eye is amber.

Infinity Stones:

almost killed thanos after 2 uses

destroyed bruce’s arm

killed tony

imagine an alternate scene where all six original avengers survived until this point and all of them held one stone as they snapped thanos’s army out of existence. that would have been the ultimate fanservice and i would have astral projected. anyway we’re getting off topic

“don’t change anything from the last five years.” what tony means is “please don’t erase my daughter”.

SNAP

yay they did it except-

how did everyone survive thanos blowing up the avengers compound

2014 gamora sounds just- slightly different than 2018 gamora. a little harsher. the guardians haven’t yet softened her edges.

“we become sisters” and suddenly gamora has hope

i- did that lightning just braid thor’s hair sdfgdsdfgh

this is a harsher thanos. thanos who died in 2018 had been changed. weakened, maybe.

thor, cap and tony fought in avengers one. now, they’re fighting thanos together.

l just. love that clint has a sword now.

“he won’t let me” nebula.... :(((((( and she dies crying

i have a note here that says “thor’s lightning + tony = c o o l”

STEVE WITH MJOLNIR

ASDFGFSDF FUCK THIS WAS WORTH EVERYTHING MARVEL HAS EVER PUT ME THROUGH

LIGHTNING POWERS

i LIVE

oooh it’s personal for thanos now

ON

YOUR

LEFT

the portals scene fUCK

this is just. worth it. on every level.

PETER AND TONY

“this is nice” please :((((((

poor peter quill gets snapped, gamora’s loss fresh in his mind, then he thinks he’s gotten her back and she’s not the gamora he knew. ouch.

tell me why everyone but steve gets a reunion scene lol

peter introducing himself to everyone!!!! he’s so sweet.

CAPTAIN MARVEL HAS ARRIVED

i’m gay. oh my god.

hhhhgn hair

GIRLS

this is fanservice!!! as in, i am a fan and i feel fuckign SERVICED

thor duel welding mjolnir and stormbreaker is AWESOME.

strange holds up one finger. tony gives a look of heartbreaking acceptance.

god. tony stark, you brave, brave man. he knew he wasn’t going to survive this one.

“I am inevitable.”

“I. am. Iron Man.”

SNAP (2)

you lose, thanos.

but also, i lose, because oh god tony.

peter :(((

“Mr Stark!”

“Sir!!”

“Tony!!”

oh. fuck.

“you can rest now” do you SEE the parallels to the earlier conversation between tony and pepper :(((

the arc reactor going out physically broke me

i didn’t take many notes after this because i was literally sobbing lol

“I love you 3000″ stabs me again

“proof that tony stark has a heart” yes well my heart is breaking

happy :((( is morgan’s jarvis :(((((

Queen!!!! Valkyrie!!!

this dick measuring contest between Quill and Thor got old five hours of content ago.

:))))) rage time :))))))

bruce tried to bring back nat with the snap :(((

oh god bucky.

his face!!!!! his voice!!!! he’s trying to be strong and find but he looks dead inside

i just- fuck. he knew and he let steve go.

why did he show up on that bench i don’t understand

“I’m happy for you” are you telling me sam wasn’t the least bit hurt or mad

the ONLY good thing about this is Captain Sam

fuck steve tho

what year is this dance in

i mean. it’s sweet. but this is not steve.

I think i’ve talked enough about my dislike of the direction steve’s character went in in this film. that was the major point of dislike for me, but given that the council has made a stupid ass decision i’ve elected to ignore it. i understand that both tony and steve had to make their exist from the franchise here, but.... there were better ways to go about that. 

i think a few different relationships slipped through the cracks here- characters suddenly grieving people they haven’t seen in /years/ and completely ignoring others who only recently died was a big one for me. but other characters saw a lot of development- nebula was a favourite of mine in this film, which i was not expecting! she and rhodey made a really good team- i feel like they understand one another. 

the Original Six all saw a decent amount of screen time, which i appreciated. nobody got left behind there. there were so many references to other films that i know i didn’t catch them all, but it really made this movie seem like a love letter to the fans. 

i want to make it clear that i actually loved most of this film. i think it was a good send off for the avengers and i love a good time travel plot (like, it’s one of my all-time favourite tropes. i was vibrating with excitement in the theater during the 2012 scenes.) i went in expecting a lot of the emotion to be sidelined in favor of plot and action, and while that happened a little bit, i was overall pleasantly surprised with the amount of emotion that they fit into this film. characterization and emotion is perhaps even more important to me than a good plot, and this film got the emotion down.

 it’s definitely not a perfect film but it could have been so much worse, so i’m grateful that we got a good sendoff for the avengers.

7/10. 

[wisenedup]

Why I’ve been so quiet so long(the gist of it is ‘intense family drama and really shitty health’, it’s very long sorry)

As y’all should know by now I have just like, an entire laundry list of mental health issues; I’m autistic(itself not a problem), have BPD, a severe anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, and maybe C-PTSD it’s hard to say with everything else. Pretty much everything I have comes with the fun symptom of executive dysfunction, which basically makes it difficult to start and complete tasks- such as reading, writing, eating, cleaning, self care, etc. Basically it makes being alive difficult.      Late 2016- long story short my mom moved out of the country and I had to find my own place and moved in with my boyfriend of at the time 5 years(now 7). He and I had been talking about moving in together for like 2 years before that, he was well informed of my MI stuff(including how hard/impossible it is for me to do dishes and things that involve leaving the house like garbage and laundry) and was very supportive; we agreed that he would be responsible for the dishes and whatnot.      Fast forward about a year and a half, the house got so dirty we had 3 back-to-back gnat infestations, a pile of pizza boxes up to my waste, and maggots and mold in the dishes in the sink because Nathan hadn’t washed them in so long. At one point management of the apartment complex was notified and just *gestures* it never got that bad but it kept cycling back to ‘pretty bad’ because Nathan’s run so hard at work that he just will not do anything around the house and I ask him to do stuff and he complains and takes like 4-7+ days until he does it- I had to throw out my favorite pot because it got entirely coated in mold, we had over 6 garbage bags in the spare room at one point because he wasn’t taking them out, etc.      Cut to about 2 months ago, we hadn’t been shopping in literally a month. We were out of food and I hadn’t eaten anything except a lil candy and like, 1 serving of McDonalds in like 2 weeks. My mental illnesses got about as bad as they ever have been and I napped for 2+ hours every day because I was so tired and miserable- I made a plan and the main reason I didn’t go through with it was because I couldn’t get the items I needed thanks to not being able to order stuff online or get to a store IRL.        Blah blah blah other stuff blah blah, about 3 weeks ago Nathan’s like ‘I’m gonna go visit Bear(his friend who he talks to for 2+ hours every day) for a month starting April’ which like, great. Shit already barely gets done while you’re here, you’re gonna take a month off of your like $10.00 an hour job while I can’t work(I’m on SSI) to fuck off and have fun with your friend and leave me, a person with a severe anxiety disorder and no ability to leave the house, alone.      A couple days after that I hear from my mom that she’s gonna be moving back to the states very soon, getting home before Nathan leaves for Florida actually. She’s gonna be in Ohio to visit me and auntie and pick up her car. Because we have a spare room and I don’t do well living on my own(I start to get anxiety attacks after about 3 days and they escalate to panic attacks after about a week), I was like ‘why don’t you stay with me while you’re here’.       Blah blah blah, a little more drama(her ex-husband’s an asshole and was being a pain about giving her car back, she doesn’t wanna be here while he’s here, he’s threatening to call the police on her, etc etc) and lots of shifting plans(Nathan figuring out when he’s gonna go and come back, mom figuring out when she’s gonna get to the states, come here, go home, etc), we’re currently on “Nathan’s leaving on the 18th of April and coming back the 22nd of May” and “Mom’s coming the 21st of April and leaving probably before Nathan gets back”.      My mental health always gets worse around my birthday(which was the 12th) and it was even worse with the entire thing with Nathan, him hardly helping out around the house, etc etc.      I ended up doing most of the cleaning and he finally helped and he hasn’t been as much of a pain about it- but he’s also been working under the excitement of ‘I’m gonna be gone for 5 weeks’ soon and he always punches up the helpfulness around birthdays and anniversaries. He’s had like 6 days off in the past 2 weeks and while yes he finally has helped out a lot with stuff that needs done(I’ve had dirty clothes in the hamper for over 8 months, the fridge and counters are finally free of dirty dishes), there’s still more to do and he’s spent most of his free time on the computer, playing PS4, talking to Bear, and complaining about how much he has to get done before he leaves.       On top of that, all this time(starting before our month-long absence of groceries and my literal starvation) I’ve been complaining to mom about how he doesn’t help out like he said he would and how he complains so much when I ask for help, how he won’t come serve himself when I make dinner, etc etc. I told her how we hadn’t been shopping in a month and I was literally starving and desperately suicidal for like 2 weeks and along with the topic of her moving back to the states she was like ‘well why don’t you move in with me’.      After about a month of thinking, cleaning, mulling, talking with a bunch of my friends with it... It’s not good for me to stay here. I realize and completely understand that his job is hella stressful, but it’s not the most stressful job anyone has ever had. The other manager screws him over and he gets stuck with shitty shifts, but he has 3 days off every week and accepted responsibilities around the house. I definitely believe part of his problem is that he never fucking eats; the difference in mood and energy I had after going from ‘barely/not eating at all’ to ‘eating not necessarily well but at least once daily’ is astounding and it’s just insanely frustrating living with someone who doesn’t do the things they said they would do, complains when I ask for help, and lets the house get so bad we get maggots, fruit flies, and mold. Our respective mental health stuff plays VERY poorly off of each other and when the house gets bad(aka all the time), my mental health nose dives. Never mind how rarely we go shopping, translating to how rarely we have food, made even rarer because the dishes are so often dirty and the counters are so often covered, making it impossible to cook.      My mom on the other hand, even when she was working like 60-65 hours a week 6 days a week(compared to his ~40 over 4 days), while less stressful than his(she owned a vape shop in a small town), still got chores done every week, helped me do them, helped me cook when I couldn’t, and went grocery shopping EVERY WEEK.        After a lot of deliberation- I don’t want to screw him over by not being around to clean any more and once my SSI isn’t helping pay rent and bills any more he’ll be left with about $190 a month after rent and bills for food or anything**- my friends have helped me realize that me leaving isn’t throwing him under the bus-- he’s already done that. Me leaving is me pulling myself out from under the bus. So. That’s been rough. I’m gonna talk to mom about it while she’s visiting but at this point it mostly comes down to whether or not I can bring my cat, since I refuse to leave her here or rehome her. **Also he’s made a few comments about ‘I know I complain about my job being shitty but who else an afford to take 5 weeks off with no pay!!’ and I’m like... NOT FUCKING US. You’re a shift supervisor at a KFC, dude. I’m on SSI.      We have so much extra money because we never go grocery shopping(that right there would take care of over $400 a month), we don’t have a car, we don’t have any insurance, we never go anywhere(shopping or otherwise. cabs in town are $6 one way and Nathan likes to tip a dollar or two, so that’s at least almost $30 a month we aren’t spending), we never clean so we aren’t spending money on laundry or cleaners(the use of the laundry machines alone would be $10-$20+ every month that we aren’t spending), so like. There’s over $450 we just aren’t spending every month because we DON’T DO THE THINGS WE DO. And he always harps on about how ‘wow we’re responsible adults!’ RESPONSIBLE ADULTS EAT, CLEAN, AND WASH THEIR CLOTHES, NATHAN. Responsible adults don’t blow over $1,500 on a 5 week vacation with no pay when they make $10 an hour. Just. Ugh      Things have been pretty alright the last few days because it’s my birthday and nathan is always way more helpful around my birthday so we’ve ogtten most of the cleaning and stuff done and I was feeling bad about thinking about leaving but just like, dude. Shit is so bad and he’s acting like it’s not. This is even longer than I was afraid it was gonna be :/ Thanks if you read it all and just. Ugh. Yeah. Finally got most of the house cleaned up and my birthday’s behind me and my mood’s improving some, so I’m gonna be trying to get active on here. Nathan’ll be gone for 5 weeks soon so I won’t have the stress of having him around for a while and I’ll be able to cook for myself without fear so that should help... but also I get so anxious alone in a house. Probably will be limited activity while mom is around too because we’ll be hanging out and we’re gonna go out to eat at a bunch of places and to at least the Aquarium. Nathan’s gonna blow insane month we don’t have on visiting his friend? I’m gonna blow money on mom and me. I have over $1,000 in cash because, again, we never fucking shop, and I won’t be able to spend any of it until at least after the 21st and I’ll get another $750 on the first, so I’ll be set for a while, but I’m gonna try to save a good portion for if shit works out and I end up moing back in with mom.

[shinneth]

Gem Ascension Tropes (5XF-specific: A - B)

Primary General Post ✦ Full Article ✦  Primary Peri Post 

Peridot (Facet-2F5L Cut-5XF)

Accuser of the Brethren: 5XF starts as one to Peridot when she formally meets her sibling on Earth. It’s also noted both through the narrative and the characters that the rest of the refugee Homeworld gems who ever knew of Peridot in her former life are highly likely to fall into this trope as well; 5XF is basically the poster child. While she does acknowledge Peridot having changed for the better and is no longer the gem she once feared, 5XF staunchly believes her sister’s past actions make her undeserving of the success and happiness Peridot had gained when she made Earth her new home. The middle of This is Who I Am is basically 5XF taking out her stress and frustrations out on Peridot because of her refusal to forgive her for what she’s done in the past. 5XF has since come to deeply regret her actions (realizing her behavior was no better than the 5XG she loathed); however, despite acknowledging Peridot not deserving of her treatment, 5XF still heavily dislikes her sister and envies her achievements. Now that Peridot has become a major roadblock in 5XF’s own pursuit of happiness (aka Sphalerite), the latter is even less inclined to grant her sister the forgiveness she seeks. 5XF is no longer vindictive towards Peridot, but it remains to be seen whether or not she’ll stand up for her when the rest of the refugees are released and inevitably give her sister grief over her past misdeeds.

Acting Your Intellectual Age: Matters of romance aside, 5XF consistently acts more mature, more reserved, and more logical than Peridot. Despite being in her early teens like Peridot while having even fewer life experiences than her (which is a more accurate indication of a gem’s maturity than their chronological age), 5XF definitely comes off as the elder of the two Peridots – by far more than six seconds – with her overall calm and analytical nature. While she has her moments, 5XF seems to have a stronger overall grasp of good manners and an even temper when she meets the Crystal Gems. She’s much less antagonistic and stubborn about cooperating with this group than her little sister was, and unlike Peridot, 5XF is not the least bit egotistical.

Adrenaline Makeover: Had Sphalerite not been there to give 5XF a much more palatable tour of Earth than her components, it’s very likely 5XF would have reverted back to her conservative, cautious, and introverted self after her nervous breakdown. While 5XF doesn’t change in appearance, she becomes much more open to new experiences while under Sphalerite’s wing. She finally learns how to have fun while learning about herself; eventually, 5XF is so emboldened by her newfound identity, she ends up acting very quickly on her feelings with Sphalerite (which surprisingly has some logical backing). Needless to say, 5XF went from barely comprehending the concept of love to wholeheartedly embracing it largely thanks to this trope.

Anger Born of Worry: For someone so allegedly eager to see Peridot and/or Steven die in a heavily rigged deathmatch, 5XF threw a major fit when she watched Peridot nearly kill herself (nearly mutilating her own gemstone in the process) just to stop her dark side from strangling both sides of Steven to death. When Peridot regained consciousness, 5XF even warned her to never do something like that again; clearly overwhelmed with worry and concern. Again, peculiar for someone who allegedly longed to see Peridot die here.

Armor-Piercing Slap: Dishes one out on Steven in This is Who I Am Chapter 2 to snap him out of his stupidity-inducing panic attack after Peridot is poofed with her gemstone falling into the water and out of sight.

Artifact of Doom: The golden crystal that’s strongly implied to host the spirit of Gypsum has been in 5XF’s possession since Chapter 4 of This is Who I Am. It has proved to give her power that has temporarily corrupted her (along with the other two crystals she acquired previously) since 5XF agreed to “let Gypsum in” as payment for being able to fight back and resist Steven and Peridot trying to reclaim her. While in possession of said crystal, 5XF went full-tilt psychotic and organized a very sadistic set of death matches for Steven and Peridot that she watched intently to indulge in their suffering. Once her plan to have at least one of them killed was thwarted, Peridot trapped her in a tiny pocket dimension while she and Steven tried to figure out how to solve their problem. Once 5XF was confirmed to be their only way to rectify things, she was let out… and during that small period of time, the golden crystal embedded itself into 5XF’s chest; effectively binding her to it. Since being teleported out of Gypsum’s domain, the crystal ceased to function in any way, but 5XF and the Crystal Gems are fully aware that it’s likely the crystal will become problematic when they return to Gypsum’s domain in the future. Whether or not there are lingering side-effects in 5XF herself remains to be seen.

The Atoner: By Chapter 7 of This is Who I Am, 5XF proves to feel genuine guilt and remorse for what she put Steven and Peridot through in Chapter 5. Though Steven and Peridot already made her suffer for her transgressions (somewhat), 5XF acknowledges that it doesn’t pardon her crimes and that she needs to actively work and cooperate with the Crystal Gems to have a chance at redeeming herself. She stresses that the last thing she wants to be is another 5XG, referring to Peridot’s former life as a Manipulative Bastard who not only regularly got away with murder, but was often rewarded for it. 5XF’s morals may be skewed right now, but there is a clear line she hopes to never cross again.

Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: 5XF, who loudly proclaims she wants Peridot to die and even forced her into a rigged deathmatch with her boyfriend to ensure this, throws a fit when Peridot nearly kills herself to force the deathmatch to end without a conclusive “winner” (aka both she and Steven survive). Mind you, 5XF isn’t upset because Peridot found a loophole in an otherwise impossible situation and ruined her plans – she’s torn up over watching her sister actually try to mutilate herself to save Steven’s life without any regard for her own. At the same time, she’s trying to save face by berating Dark Steven for healing Peridot’s wound and saving her life when he’s “supposed” to be trying to kill her. However, the moment Peridot wakes up, 5XF immediately runs to her sister, demanding her to never do something like that ever again.

A prelude to this is shown a few chapters earlier: while Peridot uses her powers to antagonize an alligator, 5XF harshly denounces Steven for encouraging her to interact with an animal he just finished telling her was extremely dangerous. Steven’s reaction is to lampshade this reaction mercilessly, and he even tells Peridot about 5XF’s concern for her later on.

Beach Kiss: 5XF and Sphalerite’s First Kiss takes place on a beach.

Because You Were Nice to Me: While Steven and Peridot at least tried their best to be nice and accommodating for 5XF, it wasn’t until Sphalerite showed up that 5XF started to feel she was being treated this way in earnest. 

Big “WHAT?!”: 5XF’s immediate reaction to seeing Peridot’s Mismatched Eyes in This is Who I Am Chapter 1.

Big Sister Instinct: She would vehemently deny this, but 5XF has some moments where she does come across as a responsible worrywart of an older sibling to Peridot, despite being a gem who normally would not have such instincts. This can be traced back to well before they met, as 5XF kept an eye on Peridot from afar for many years when they lived on Homeworld. 5XF never directly worked with Peridot, but often monitored her from a distance (admittedly, a large part of this was done for her own safety, as Peridot back then posed as a potential threat to 5XF’s own livelihood if she got too close); this is how she came to realize her little sister was severely repressing a major moment of her life when she got promoted. Later, 5XF visibly showed concern when she criticized Peridot’s ideas for distracting alligators and denounced Steven for encouraging her little sister to wrangle a gator soon after. When Peridot was eventually poofed by a gator, 5XF was quick to straighten out a hysterical Steven and actively participated in retrieving her sister’s gemstone without any hesitation whatsoever. The most blatant instance of this trope happens when Peridot nearly kills herself to end a set of sadistic deathmatches between herself and Steven; said deathmatches were organized by 5XF herself (who was under the influence of corruptive power, along with loads of other issues). 5XF explicitly states she made this so only Steven or Peridot would come out with their life and was openly gleeful to see Peridot’s demise. However, that falls apart when she watches Peridot pierce her own gemstone with a jagged floor tile: 5XF runs to her and is vividly upset with her sister doing this to herself… despite allegedly desiring to see her die. While she berates Dark Steven for healing  Peridot rather than finishing her off, she immediately orders Peridot (when she wakes up) to never do that again. 

Blessed with Suck: When 5XF becomes a willing vessel for Gypsum’s powers, she proves to be adept with them right away, as she successfully uses them to ward away Steven and Peridot, as well as incapacitate them. However, as time passes and 5XF’s mental state further deteriorates, she finds she not only has no way of knowing how to consistently control her powers, but doesn’t even possess a full understanding of what said powers are. They’re currently dormant within 5XF while she isn’t in Gypsum’s domain, but considering she has a binding contract to this corrupt gem in the form of said powers and a crystal bonded to her chest, it’s a given these powers will be even more problematic than helpful in the future.

Breakout Character: In the primary GA series, she was a one-scene wonder who only got a couple of verbal mentions towards the end. In This is Who I Am, she starts out as a trial for Steven and Peridot, but halfway into the story, the focus on her gradually grows. She even has the entirety of Chapter 6 to herself (and Sphalerite); she continues to be the centric focus in the final chapter and is confirmed to be a key player in future stories (at least as far as Gypsum is concerned). One can easily make an argument for her being every bit as important as Steven and Peridot in the overall story, if not more so.

Brutal Honesty: Doesn’t seem to be any better about this than Peridot, honestly, though 5XF at least expresses her sentiments with more composure than her little sister.