#aka loife rants

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Another rant (important, something related to my books, please read)

hey guys. I am so sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be updating for a while. It’s irresponsible of me and I’m really ashamed, considering I didn’t on the 11th and 12th too, I used Diwali as an excuse but I’ll be honest; the next few chapters of TLEOT and 100% are kinda shit. I know I can do better. I know if I rewrite the chapter and edit that, it’ll be much better. I have trust in those abilities.

Here’s the thing.

As most of you know, I’m in 9th grade. And 9th grade sucks ass. They’re constantly threatening you when you even sort of slip up in tests; “You can’t do that next year or you’re going to fail boards!”

You thought 7th grade was hard? You thought 8th grade was hard? If you survive 9th grade and 10th grade, make sure you live to tell the new batch of 8th grade the story.

in 9th grade, you either survive or die. There is no in between. They really put that pressure on you.

I had a test recently. 47/50. Ha, that’s good right? Wrong I guess. My teacher gave me a whole ass lecture in front of the class. “Silly mistakes” this and “rechecking the paper” that. You really think I can’t do that? You really think I don’t do that? I’m in 9th grade for fucks sake! Of course I do that! Just because by chance I missed that mark, stop lecturing me in front of the class!

I’m literally so tired of how things have been recently. I spend most my time in the two places that make me feel like shit. I’m so scared to go to school and if anything, I only go to school so no one worries about me. I know that Jeremy, our group and lemon dude would be really worried if I told them all this. That’s why I’m not going to. They’ve been put under pressure too. I’d just add to their problems.

I remember a story my teacher told me. What does tea leaves, eggs and carrots do in boiled water? Tea leaves create beautiful tea, eggs turn harder and carrots turn softer. The boiled water is supposed to denote the tough situations we all have.

In this case, I’m none. I’m chilli powder. I’m already crumbling, and when put in boiled water, I’m basically dissolved.

I know. This sucks. Loife’s being her dramatic self, not giving updates because what? Pressure. I bet some people wouldn’t even believe this story. And you know what? Whatever. I’m sick and tired of being criticised for being human and it’s like I’m being expected to be perfect and in which case? IM SORRY. IM SORRY IM NOT. YOU GOT TO SUCK IT UP CUZ THIS IS HOW I AM AND I CANT BE YOUR VISION OF PERFECT. OH WELL.

anyway. I’m really sorry to those who care. To those who really care, to those who read till the end, thank you so so much. I know I’ve been ranting a lot lately, and you must be tired of seeing these long ass posts. Maybe you were expecting updates on lemon dude, or maybe updates on my books. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this news.

thank you all so much.

-Loife

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ok I’m putting my rant under the cut so you only have to read if you want to bc I’m sure y’all are bored of hearing my shitty rants so

CONS: You know how my art exam was supposed to be today and literature tomorrow? Yeah, my mom read that wrong. Both exams today.

yesterday at around 11 she tells me that. And WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I get up frantically bc literature’s first and I need to study again. (And yes @queenofapeacefuldawn and @the-princess-fangirl that is why I was up so late. That and I have a fucked up sleep schedule)

next, in my art exam the invigilator (or supervisor) told us there was only five minutes left. AND GUESS WHAT? THERE WAS FUCKING 15 MINUTES LEFT. Watches aren’t allowed in the exam hall. I GOT SO STRESSED AND WAS COLORING SO FAST IT LOOKED LIKE CHICKEN SCRATCHES WTF? Then somebody was like: but maam there’s 13 minutes left. And she fucking shushed them.

meaning she fucking knew there was fucking 15 minutes left and fucking lied about it.

I was so mad at the teacher because how dare she? It’s an exam? You actual bitch?

so i tried to fix my artwork. It was a bit better, but it still kind of looks just okay. I wouldn’t say bad, but I know it could’ve looked better.

PROS: my exams are over finally

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I find it really annoying that these two people are like hyper fixated on each other (as friends) and act like it’s only them and when one of them texts on the group about somewhere they wanna go and I respond or someone else responds, it’s like they say: oh sorry I wanna go with [friend]. We don’t even hang out as a group now

[thx-sunsxts-addrxss]

Loife rants, make this a show

here we are.

I am so tired of my home room teacher saying I have to come out of my ‘shell’ because how tf do you expect me to come out of my fucking shell when you make me sit next to fucking jerks when I don’t fucking want to and everyone else is sitting with friends and it makes me feel bad because it’s the jerks who’s doing the wrong and they can’t sit with their friends because of that and you make them sit with me?? I can’t believe you.

It’s been weeks now. I’ve been literally telling you, and you’re like: “what’s the big issue?” WHATS THE BIG ISSUE?? ITS THE FACT THAT YOURE BEING INCONSIDERATE TO HOW I FEEL.

ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THEIR HOMOPHOBIC AND SEXIST JOKES WHEN I DONT HAVE TO AND DID NOTHING TO DESERVE IT.

“You can always talk to me, as your home room teacher” ha. My ass. If I do, nothing changes anyway. You don’t fucking look at anything from our point of view. Your management sucks. Get a hold of the situation. Do something different. Because what you’re doing is affecting someone else while you’re trying to change something.

[thx-sunsxts-addrxss]

just because I was brought up outside of India and am not that good at speaking Tamil (I can write great tho) and am fluent in English, it doesn’t mean I’m not connected with India at all. I am Indian after all.

I practically know kamli, Shiela ki Jawani, chaiya chaiya, chamak chello by heart. And what are they? BOLLYWOOD SONGS.

but ah, Don’t say I’m more connected with another language than my own. I’ve watched vikram, master, PS1 AND 2 and so many other movies. And what are they? TAMIL MOVIES.

so no, aunt V and uncle S, no gramma S and grandpa G, no grandpa T and mom. I am not disconnected with my culture.

It’s simply the fact that you don’t care to observe.

I’ve also been brought up in English speaking countries like the US and the UK so of course it came a bit slowly and I learned English first. Obviously I would’ve heard English songs first, maybe on the streets, in school or somewhere.

I am Indian. I’m just as Indian as other Indians. So stfu and learn to observe your relative’s indianess because I most certainly am. Deal with that.

[thx-sunsxts-addrxss]

I swear if ONE more person asks if I was a choir student I will LOSE IT

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a rant btw

when did it come to “I’m going to hit you” when I don’t come a minute after you call me?

because I swear, I don’t think it was like this.

I was practising dance, which, by the way, I have to perform today. And miss girl (my mom) calls me. I tell her ‘one second!’

then she says that.

I may be overreacting over this, and yeah, I probably am. I’m a dramatic little shit. That’s not new.

I know it’s probably an empty threat. I was never this scared of it 2 years ago.

2 years ago, my mom hit my sister for the first time.

as you all know, my sister’s 21. 2 years ago, she was 19. An adult. She wanted to go to this sleepover, mind you, just girls, and at her friend’s apartment. What was the issue here?

my dad was on a business trip btw

my mom kept saying no. Then she said, “you are still 19, and you will always be under my control!”

my sister got angry and slammed the door shut. And my mom got up and hit her.

I can’t forget the image of my sister huddled up in the blanket trembling. I can’t forget how I cried that night.

I was 12.

I don’t know what are empty threats anymore because what if she means it? What if she really will hit me? It scares me, down into my heart.

My mom has never been one to say sorry. She still didn’t say sorry for that incident. I remember talking with my sister after it happened.

she’d come to check on me. She’d come to me. Why did she have to come, when my cowardly self couldn’t go to check on her?

and she asked if I was okay.

why was she asking me? I didn’t have anything happen to me.

everything just felt like a stab to the stomach.

I’m 14 now. I’m still scared of my mother. Boards is next year. I have no idea what will happen to me if I do bad on that. My sister jokes about the incident all the time. And I try and laugh at it, but inside, I get mad at my mother all over again for making my bestest friend, my amazing sister cry like that.

everything’s been so hard recently. Study, study, eat, study, sleep, repeat. I’m so stressed right now and I really, really want a break.

not like I’ll ever have one.

two years ago, when I wanted to die, I’d ask in my mind: please kill me” then I’d add, “not really, I don’t want to die.”

now it’s, “god, please, please kill me”

I’m so fucking tired.

“Isn’t it hard being happy all the time? Why are you happy when the rest of us are dealing with something serious? Stop being happy!”

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? CRY? NO YOU DONT, BECAUSE WHEN I CRY, YOU STILL GET MAD AT ME. YOU THINK IM HAPPY IN THIS SITUATION? NO IM NOT. BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY.

“Isn’t it hard being happy all the time?” YES. ITS SO FUCKING HARD. ITS SO HARD TO PUT ON SMILES SND BE SUNNY ALL THE TIME. IT TIRES ME OUT. AT THE END OF THE DAY, IM SO EXHAUSTED YOU DONT IMAGINE.

I CRY SILENTLY EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. WHY SILENTLY? BECAUSE YOU’LL GET MAD AT ME.

what? Are you happy now? Are you happy you’ve finally lost both daughters? Are you happy you’ve gotten rid of a disappointment?

good. At least what I did worked, didn’t it?

you guys are literally making my day better, each day. Thank you so much.

Well. Gonna go to practice. I’ll wipe away my tears I guess. Don’t want anybody to see me like this, do I?

I put on a smile.