#al menos the baby is still alive

[zuragin]

Some ZhongXiao fics on ao3 that I love a lot.

What the title says.

I have not read all the fics in the tag because there are so many, so... it is what it is! This sampling will probably be smaller than it should be.  This list is in no order of preference.

1. The ZhongXiao Alliance by  Yellow_Canna

R18 fic. I think this must be the most popular?? ZX fic with a little bit of VenAether too... it is the one fic that appears in the search engine when you type “zhongxiao ao3″, haha. But it is so worth it. The characterizations are well done. Also, it has EVERYTHING. Comedy, drama, romance, angst, absurdity, smut, misunderstandings, character evolution, babies. It is a whole ride. I love how Xiao and Venti are written here in particular, as well as the prose in the middle part. I enjoyed reading this so much and have even re-read some memorable parts. If I start reading it I end up reading everything... it is a very dangerous story! But it is such a nice read! Just read the summary. Not putting it here because it’s quite long. It is a whole adventure.

2.  Boca de dragón by  Narialam   (Spanish)

 Este fic está en Español y la verdad lo considero muy bueno. Me pesa mucho que no esté completo, pero al menos llegó a un punto de inflexión importante en la historia. Básicamente a Zhongli le da hanahaki. La caracterización de Zhongli aquí es muy interesante. 

“Cientos de años atrás, la enfermedad de Hanahaki había causado algún que otro estrago en la región de Liyue pese a la atenta mirada del arconte Geo. Ahora que se había retirado nuevamente tenía que enfrentarla. Esta vez, en sus propias entrañas.“

3. city of requests by  stonesbeyondthesea

“A strange mortal wielding a Geo vision cleans out all of the demons and monsters in Guili Plains and Dihua Marsh within a single night. Though reluctantly impressed, Xiao refuses to place any confidence in this man’s intelligence, considering he thinks the best time for such an activity is in the pouring rain at the dead of night.

In which Xiao discovers the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's Consultant who insists on accompanying him in his duties looks uncannily like his former Archon.”

This fic is so cute. Zhongli and Xiao are both playful, since Zhongli is playing at pretending to be a mortal. He thinks no one knows, but Xiao and the rest of the Adepti were aware of his real identity since the start... It’s such a cute fic. It’s also about Xiao getting closer to a mundane life. Qiqi is also suuuper cute. Also if I remember well Xiao speaks with the birds in this fic and it is sooo cute.

4. bury what needs burying by mnabokov

“Xiao has never felt grief like this.” 

R18 fic. MAN, THIS FIC KICKED MY ASS and punched me in the gut a couple of times while reading it. I do not know if I was too sensible that day but I for sure felt the sadness and the grief. Yes, this fic is about grief. This fic is also one of my favorites. Poor, poor Xiao. I never forgot about this story it’s just too good. 

5. dawnbreak by moonbell (snowdrops)

“If his destiny is death, has his lord’s will defied that of heaven’s?”

This is a response fic to the archon quest in 2.7... it is really nice.  I think the one line I loved was:

"I said I would not apologise for saving you. But I ask that you forgive my selfishness in keeping you alive," Zhongli says, lowering his head to Xiao. "It is one thing to ask your suffering for the protection of a nation. It is another, to have forced it upon you for my own sake."

6. xi wangmu by tzitzimeme

“Xiangling scales entire mountains to satisfy the palettes of her two pickiest customers. (Or, two men who are emotionally stunted by their own immortality inadvertantly turn an overly enthusiastic chef into their messenger pigeon.)

[Post 1.1 addendum added: Xiao remembers how to live.]”

This fic is more Gen (still, please be careful to read the tags beforehand), and I know the author has been involved in some drama, but I still enjoyed this particular story. I just enjoy the slow evolution of Xiangling’s interactions with both Xiao and Zhongli, and the ending is also cute. 

7. i let xiao eat a dream but it gets surreal and horny by bimbitri

“It's been hundreds of years since Xiao last ate a dream. Zhongli offers him the chance to eat his, but Xiao quickly realises that he's bitten off more than he can chew.

[ Xiao was no longer a hunter, a devourer – he’d become swallowed by Zhongli's dream entirely. He could feel it pressing against him. The weight made him gasp and squirm. Every inch of him – of his existence, of his identity, his self – was caught within the dream. Its touch was electrifying, sending tendrils of sweet heat over every inch of him. He was overwhelmed by each ethereal caress. Too much. Not enough. He wanted, wanted, wanted. ]”

The title and summary describe it well enough so I cannot add much. It is R18 obviously.

8. The Perks of Being a Cat by Minglan

“Hu Tao will kill me,” Xiangling breathes. Her gaze darts between Zhongli and the soup she prepared – the one which transformed Zhongli into a feline creature.--Zhongli accidentally turns into a cat and Xiao doesn't know.”

This one is a lovely fic about Zhongli turning into a cat and getting the rare opportunity to get closer to Xiao because of it.

9.  eternity begins with you by lorkhaj

“Zhongli remembered love. He remembered the pretty eyed boy left alone in the garden, covered in scars and cherry blossom petals. He remembered sneaking into their storage closets and stealing kisses amid breathless giggles and soft touches. He remembered midnight walks and stargazing and swordplay.Above all, he remembered all of their broken promises and fleeting maybes; he remembered Xiao.// 

So begins the tale of the dragon chasing the human through history.“

This FIC IS INCREDIBLE. I was in awe when I finished reading it. I read it in one go because I could no stop, I needed to know how everything turned out. It was a whole adventure. This fic is more like an AU based on the characters instead of a canon like story, but the story is so, so good. Please, please read it!! My words are probably not decent enough to praise it.

10.  the way joy sounds as it exits your mouth by crookedspoon

“Tender moments upon waking.”

R18 fic. This was very lovely and hot. 

11.  it's my first time being human (i learned to bear the retribution) by wisforia

“

One day, a young man catches his eye behind the counter at the coffee shop he frequently visits. A new staff, perhaps. He is not a familiar face, and Zhongli is certain he would have remembered him if he had seen him before.

There is a grace to the way he moves, fingers precise as he prepares the concoctions his customer has ordered. His dark hair streaked with teal is gathered at the small of his nape, yet still a few wispy pieces slip out, brushing against his sharp features, softening them.

Zhongli is merely a lawyer who frequently visits the coffee shop down the street from his office. Xiao is merely a barista working at that same coffee shop. One of these statements is not entirely true.”

This is an excellent AU in a modern setting that is still not finished but it’s uploading frequently and I am thinking it is already in it’s latest stages. The characterization for both Xiao and Zhongli, and just any other character in here really, is so good. I love it so much. I am enjoying following this story. I love the fragility of both Xiao and Zhongli in this. It is such a good slow burn story. 

12.  weathered stone by astracytevi

“Zhongli's heart is like weathered stone. He can stand waiting for Xiao after the incident at the Chasm; he is good with patience, after all.

But despite all of the weathering he has gone through, Zhongli holds firm (or does he really) when he learns that the one he loves returns the feelings.”

This is a nice mutual pining and love confession fic after the 2.7 event.  

“I’m sorry I’ve always been a burden to you. I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with me being a nuisance for so long. It would have been better if Bosacius survived. He was a hero. I am not. Despite what I’ve told the Traveler, I am not.” 

Oh, Xiao...

13.  Even a Broken Glass Can Still Hold Water by Minglan

“Xiao always imagined their first kiss to be different. He imagined it to be warm and grounding – like finding home when his has been gone for so long. Too long.

---

Or: Xiao ends up in the same dorm room as his long-time crush Zhongli”

I also love this AU so much because they are just fellow students in this one, but also it talks a lot about Xiao as a character and the story creates a whole network of characters around Xiao too, so it is interesting to read. I enjoy seeing Xiao analyze his own mental struggles and trying to improve for his relationship with Zhongli. It is still not finished and the new chapters come out slowly, I pray everyday the author does not give up on this story... 

14.  Desire by ragnvndrr

“I wish that you, my lord, will tell me what it is you desire.”

Xiao worships Zhongli.”

R18 fic. Its is a sweet mature fic which I think, it is well described in the summary. 

15.  what it means to serve by morax-yipyip (ahajkunless)

“The thick musk of a powerful, centuries-old dragon permeates the air, enough that Xiao can smell it even outside the small cave Zhongli has hidden himself in. He knows it's dangerous to go in, deadly to offer up his own body for use like he's considering.

But to help Zhongli, he really doesn't have any other options.”

R18 fic naturally. This fic is basically Zhongli getting in some stage of heat, and Xiao willing to help him in the best way he can... I love Xiao’s devotion so much. This fic is about care and devotion. 

16.  报春花 (bàochūnhuā) by lumieres (irlsugawara)

“

beside my bed a pool of light— is it hoarfrost on the ground? i lift my eyes and see the moon, i bend my head and think of home.

Thoughts in the Silent Night

By Li Bai”

This fic is set in the past and it is about learning feelings. It is oneiric and poetic. 

17.  Terra Incognita by bunbum

“After carrying out a mission, Xiao returns to Liyue Harbor to find his Lord has taken on a new, unexpected form.”

This is a R18 fic. I like it mostly because there are not many fics where I see Zhongli taking a female-like form, so it is a nice surprise!! I like how they have such great communication, which is displayed en every scene and in particular in the smut. It is also based in the Rex Incognito books of Liyue, so it is of interest to me. And I like both Zhongli and Xiao in here. 

One part I liked: 

“Do you wish for my domination or submission?”

For once it’s a question Xiao can answer easily. His voice comes out in a weak breath. “Domination, always.”

“Thus, it is written in stone,” Rex Lapis declares.

18.  to struggle in vain by kirbeby

"So this is what it feels like to be warm." This is Xiao’s first thought when Morax grips his arm to pull him up from the ground. He hadn’t realized until just now that he’d forgotten the feeling. His second thought, moments later and much colder, is a desperate "He can never know."

soulmate au where when you touch a bare hand to your soulmate's skin for the first time, they receive a soul mark. one soulmate being marked doesn't make the other's mark appear automatically; they both have to touch a hand to skin. for angst purposes.

This is a soulmates AU and I love them all, enough said!! It is also after the 2.7 event, which is also welcome.

His second thought, moments later and much colder, is a desperate “He can never know.”

19.  A Novel Encounter by ApolloACNH

“Caught in a sudden rainstorm on the way to the train station not long after leaving work for the day, Xiao takes shelter in a bookstore with an eccentric owner…”

This is a lovely, lovely AU that was so good I wanted it to be way longer. It is long enough but it is just such a cute read. Here Zhongli is a bookstore owner, hehehe. 

[weirdestbooks]

Secret States Chapter 7

An Uncomfortable Conversation

Panama POV

Spanish Empire is an asshole. If that's surprise to anyone, they obviously don't know any history from a country colonized by the Spanish Empire. And he colonized a lot of countries. Spanish Empire, my asshole of a father, having other children wasn't a surprise. I don't see how it would be.

And unfortunately, hearing about Florida being abused by Spanish Empire wasn't surprising. Spanish Empire hurt a lot of his children. He loved power, and the gold our lands had, and along with his hatred for our native people, it was a perfect recipe for his colonies to be hurt by him.

"Hola todos." (Hello everyone) Florida said as he walked over to us, his snake, Algodón, wrapped around his arm.

"Hola. ¿Porqué tienes un serpiente?" (Hello. Why do you have a snake?) I asked Florida. This seemed like something Australia would do, not an American state.

"¿Y es venenoso?" (And is it venomous?) Honduras added on, looking at the snake with slight fear in his eyes.

"Sí!" (Yes) Florida responded.

"¿Que? ¿Porqué trajiste un serpiente venenoso a una junta? ¿No tienes miedo que lastimé alguien?" (What? Why would you bring a venomous snake to the meeting? Aren't you afraid of hurting someone?) Nicaragua asked.

"No. El esta bien. Lo tuve por muchos años y no ha lastimado nadie." (No, he's fine. I've had him for years and he hasn't hurt anyone.) Florida said, before giving us a confused look, "¿No que tienen junglas en sus países? ¿Porqué les dan miedo un serpiente?" (Don't most of you have jungles in your countries? Why are you afraid of a snake?)

"Bueno, sí, pero no buscamos criaturas venenosas." (I mean, we do, but we don't actively seek out venomous creatures.) Peru said.

"Guau, eres aburriendo." (Wow. You're boring then.) Florida said. I began laughing at Florida's blunt statement toward Peru, who looked offended.

"¡Florida! Compórtate bien!" (Florida! Be nice!) Louisiana said, smacking Florida on the backs of the head.

"Ay. No me tenías qué pegar." (Ow. You didn't have to hit me.) Florida muttered back. Rico rolled his eyes.

"Este es una familia tan violenta." (This is such a violent family.) He muttered, smiling.

"We make up America Rico. Did you expect us not to be?" Guam said walking up next to him.

"Esperaba que lo estuvieras. Eres un activó militar importante o lo qué sea." (I expected you to be. You're a major military asset or whatever.) Rico said.

"Yeah. Don't really know what you said, but I know it had something to do with the military. But Sam does a lot of stuff for the military to, so it's not just me, you son ba bi tsi." Guam told him. Mariana smacked her twins head.

"Guåhan! Be nice!" She said. I guess Mariana was the nicer twin out of the two of them. Guam rubbed her head.

"Rico, you're right. People in this family are violent." Guam said. Rico began laughing as Mariana rolled her eyes.

"Hu guaiya hao lokkue'." Mariana muttered with a smile. I didn't know what language Mariana and Guam were speaking, but they seemed to prefer it to Spanish, and seemed to not understand Spanish. Did they forget it? Or did they just not learn it to annoy Spanish Empire?

"So, what are we bonding over? The general fact that our shared dad is a troud chi?" Louisiana said.

"Sí, obviamente. Yo solo llegue para maldecir al Imperio Español y enseñar el mundo el verdadero poder del Florida Man." (Yes, obviously. I came here to cuss out Spanish Empire and unleash the true power of Florida Man on the world) Florida said, smiling.

"Esto es mi consejo. No lo hagas." (Here's my advice. Don't.) Puerto Rico responded.

"Rico! You're harshing my mellow man!" Florida said. Rico raised an eyebrow as he gave Florida a weird look.

"Why the fuck would you say that." He said.

"You sound like Cali when they were in their surfer phase." Mariana said.

"What do you mean were?" Guam asked. Mariana snorted and looked over to California.

"Good point."

"Como quiera, quieres ayudarme hacerle una broma a Cuba. Estamos en el medio de un 'Guerra de Bromas' en este momento." (Anyway, want to help me prank Cuba. We're in the middle a prank war right now.) Puerto Rico said, turning back to us.

"Siempre lo eres." (You always are.) Florida muttered again, pulling out a jar of spaghetti sauce.

"Yo no empezará una 'Guerra de Bromas' con Cuba." (I would rather not start a prank war with Cuba.) El Salvador said.

"¡Voy hacer lo!" (I will!) Dominican Republic said, smiling.

"Por supuesto que tú lo vas a hacer. Yo recuerdo cuando todos éramos colonias. Ustedes islas les encantaban haciendo bromas entre ustedes." (Of course you will. I remember when we were all still colonies. You islands loved pranking each other.) Chile remarked.

"Era mas una competencia para ver quien era le mejor isla. En el Caribe al menos. Habría sido todos los territorios insulares españoles, pero tengo mucho miedo a Guam." (It was more of a competition to see who the best island was. In the Caribbean at least. It would be all of the Spanish island territories, but I'm very afraid of Guam.) Rico said.

"Thanks Rico. Can we switch back to English though. My Spanish isn't that good." Guam said.

"Why not?" Costa Rica asked. Guam smirked and Mariana sighed.

"Guåhan didn't bother remembering how to speak Spanish after she became an American territory. It's her way of getting back at Spanish Empire." Mariana explained.

"Yet somehow she remembers the curse words." Louisiana muttered. Florida laughed as he covered his snake with spaghetti sauce. I wanted to ask what he was going, but I was afraid of the answer.

"That's Guam for you!" He said smiling.

"Florida what the fuck are you doing?" Argentina asked.

"Relax. No one will get hurt. I just have to get back at Cuba for pranking me." Florida said.

"How are you not concerned by your, our brother covering a snake in spaghetti sauce?" Guatemala asked. The American state shrugged.

"We've learned it best not to question him and just get him some form of supervision. Or Ohio." Mariana said. Florida laughed. I heard a commotion coming from where Mexico and her children were sitting and looked over in that direction. Wait.

"Mexico had children. Does that mean we're, like, aunts and uncle?" I asked the states.

"Oh shit. I hadn't though of that." Venezuela muttered. Guam shrugged, while Rico furrowed his eyebrows.

"I think they said they weren't going to consider anyone who is technically a child of Spanish Empire as being related to them, mainly just because that means we," Mariana said, gesturing to the other American state, "Would be their aunts/uncles, and they though that was weird because we're also their siblings."

"I'm doing the same thing with France. After than pitin sold me, I wanted nothing to do with her as her sœr. That kind of relationship is over. And I don't really want to form any kind of relationship with her until she shows me she is truly sorry for what she did to me." Louisiana explained.

"You like disowning people." Columbia remarked. Florida laughed again.

"Our dad, America, that is, literally disowned his entire family during his revolution. It's a family trait." Florida told us smiling.

"You're not going to disown us, or refuse to accept us as family, are you?" Ecuador asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"Åhe'." Guam said. Ecuador blinked.

"Umm, is that a yes or a no?" Bolivia asked.

"It's a no." Mariana explained. There was suddenly yelling, and I looked over to see California and Texas arguing.

"Ugh. Ignore those two. They like picking fights Popá and Del will take care of it." Louisiana said, pinching the bridge of her nose. I watched as America and Delaware calmed down the two fighting states before turning back to the group.

"Any other questions?" Rico asked. Paraguay raised her arm.

"Is America good to you? I mean I know he punched Spanish Empire-"

"And earned my respect." Argentina cut her off. Argentina did hate Spanish Empire, but honestly, most of us did.

"Shut up Argentina. Anyway, you guys don't get hurt by him, right?" She finished.

"Don't worry. Padre doesn't hurt us. He's not like Spanish Empire." Florida said.

"Well that's good. It's be very bad if you went from one bad situation to another." Uruguay said. Mariana rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, America rushed out of the room.

"Oh fuck. What's happening now?" Guam muttered.

———————————————————————— America POV

I turned and looked at my family after my kids went to reunite with their biological families. And whatever you would consider Netherlands and Sweden to be to Delaware and New York. My family had to have a lot of questions.

This wasn't a conversation I ever wanted to have. How could I explain everything, all the hurt and pain they and others caused to my children, the secrets, me hiding my real personality, my insomnia, and everything else I kept secret. Those were all problems I have to deal with on my own. They shouldn't have to worry about me. They'll just baby me. I have to take care of my children and myself. They shouldn't have to.

And what if I messed it up? What if they hated me because I kept it all a secret? What if they hated my real personality, the smart, anxious, self-doubting, and self-hating person I was? I acted like I was stupid, and had an incredibly large ego because that's what everyone expected of me. And when I act like how they expect me to, they don't look any further into me.

I wanted to tell my family, but many of my children made it clear they didn't like that idea. And I couldn't just tell the countries about the children that wanted other countries to know they were alive because they would figure out I had more children.

I had to keep them secret. It's what they wanted. But what if my family didn't see it that way?

My children mentioned a crisis in the 1860s to the countries. I didn't want to bring up my civil war. That was a horrible period of time that I hated mentioning. I knew Uncle England would keep my civil war a secret as well. He knows how horrible they are.

"E hōʻoki i ka noʻonoʻo ʻana i nā mea e Pāpā.  Inā mālama nui lākou iā ʻoe, e ʻae lākou iā ʻoe inā he aha.  Nānā ʻole i ka hoʻopunipuni o ke kanaka āu i hōʻike ai iā lākou.  E noho i lalo, e kamaʻilio me kou ʻohana, a hōʻike iā lākou i ka United States maoli o ʻAmelika. " (Stop overthinking things Dad. If they truly care about you, they'll accept you no matter what. Regardless of how fake the personality you presented to them was. Now sit down, talk to your family, and show them the real United States of America.) Hawaii said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Maopopo iaʻu ʻo Hawaiʻi.  ʻO ia wale nō ... " (I know Hawaii. It's just...) I started, trailing off and taking a slightly shaky breath. I looked over at my family, who were looking confused and curious. Probably about me and Hawaii's conversation. But the staring just made me more anxious.

"E hoʻolaki wau iā ia!  E inaina mai lākou iaʻu a i ʻole ... a i ʻole ... a i ʻole ... kekahi mea.  Ua hūnā wau iā lākou.  ʻAʻole wale ʻoe a me kou mau kaikaina, akā ʻo koʻu ʻano, koʻu ʻeha, a me nā mea hou aku.  Manaʻo lākou ua ʻike lākou iaʻu, ʻaʻole naʻe.  He aha inā e inaina lākou i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo iaʻu? " (I'm going to screw it up! They're going to hate me or...or...or...something. I kept so much secret from them. Not just you and your siblings, but my personality, my pain, and so much more. They think they know me, but they don't. What if they hate the real me?) I spewed out to Hawaii, who smiled.

"A laila ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e mālama iā lākou ma ke ʻano he ʻohana.  Inā hōʻeha ka pili ʻana iā lākou, ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e mālama iā lākou a puni.  Hana i ka mea maikaʻi loa nāu e Pāpā.  ʻO wau pū kekahi me ʻoe i nā ala a pau. " (Then you don't have to keep them as your family. If being related to them hurts you, you don't have to keep them around. Do what's best for you Dad. I'll be with you all the way.) Hawaii said.

"Mahelo e Hawaii." (Thank you Hawaii.) I responded. I mentally prepared myself for the questioning before looking over to my family. I raised an eyebrow.

"You can ask questions you know." I said. Australia immediately stood up.

"Why didn't your states want us to know about them?" He asked. I sighed. That was a complicated question. All the states were different, and it was hard to put them all in one category. I ended up shrugging.

"I don't know. My kids all have their own, widely different, reasons. I do know that a main part that convinced my kids to keep themselves secret was them." I said, pointing towards Uncle England, Canada, and Dad.

"I...I...I'm sorry." Canada said. I wish Canada would stop blaming himself for the War of 1812. The only people at fault were me and Dad. We just dragged Canada into it.

"1812 wasn't your fault. Besides, I burnt down your capital first." I told him. Canada got himself mixed up into my messes way too much. He didn't need to blame himself for the messes.

"That still didn't stop me from helping burn down your capital. Or stop me from stabbing you." Canada muttered.

"You stabbed Ame?" Maman and Australia asked. Australia sat back down in his chair and put his head in his hands.

I winced, thinking back to that memory, of the White House burning, D being stuck in the building, and the flames burning my skin. I pushed those memories aside. It's not something I wanted to think about, especially after what happened earlier this year.

"I'm fine now. We were both really upset with each other. Besides, I tried to kill both Dad and Uncle England during my Revolution, so it's not like it's the first time this family's tried to kill each other." I told them, think back to Breed's Hill when I broke Uncle England's jaw with a musket.

Uncle England flinched and held his jaw, so he was probably thinking back to the same memory. Dad's eyes held a lot of pain in them. While I may have un disowned my family, none of us have tried to talk about any of the pain caused by my Revolution. We haven't worked out anything on forgiving each other for specific things we did to each other. We agreed to put the Revolution aside, but we never tried to fix their pain caused by it.

We probably should. As soon as I brought up the Revolution, the air became awkward. Maman, New Zealand, Uncle North, and Australia all looked uncomfortable, as they weren't a part of the family during my Revolution.

My family and I needed to forgive each other for my Revolution. For everything we did to each other. For everything that caused it. For all the pain caused by it. I wanted to forgive them. But there was just so much that happened between us.

Dad is my oldest enemy for a reason. And I didn't see how we could fix that kind of damage to our relationship. We ignored it. I should've know that was going to come back and bite me in the ass. I made the same mistake before, and had a civil war because of it.

Kicking the can down the road doesn't help anyone. Especially when said can is full of explosives.

"How about we move on to anther topic. Does anyone else have any questions?" Hawaii asked, trying to diffuse any tensions. Thank god for Hawaii. She, along with all of my other children who help me take care of their siblings are amazing.

"You know over 300 languages." Uncle England said.

"It's not as great as it sounds. I mean its cool and all, but it also making talking out loud incredibly annoying." I said. Aussie groaned, while the rest of my family looked increasingly confused.

"I know, right? Ugh, if there's ever a reason for me to get an official language, it would be just to make talking out loud less of a chore." Australia complained.

"Wait, why is talking out loud hard for you? You know a lot of languages wouldn't it be easy?" New Zealand asked.

"Because talking out loud is multitasking for us. We have to think about what we want to say while simultaneously having to focus on speaking whatever language we want to speak." I explained. Our family looked at me and Australia in shock.

"Seriously?" Uncle North asked. Australia nodded.

"Yeah. If we don't focus on speaking English, well, there's no guarantee that we'll speak English. We don't have a default language, so in order to speak one language constantly, we have to focus on speaking it." Australia continued to explain.

"But how does that work?" Maman asked.

"Well, if I stop focusing on making sure I speak English. ऐसा ही होता है। En die taal verander met elke sin. A vorbi este mult mai ușor pentru mine în acest fel. あなたは本当に混乱しているように見えます。To'hta." (This is what happens. And the language changes with every sentence. Talking is so much easier for me this way. You look really confused. Hold on.) I said, before focusing back on speaking English.

"Ame?" Uncle Wales asked after a couple of seconds. I was slightly annoyed, but understood that this was the first time they saw this, and they were most likely confused.

"Calm down it just takes a minute." Hawaii said.

"It's doesn't take that long. It's just the mentally preparing myself to multitask speaking. Which is very hard. Have you ever tried to give a presentation while focusing on something else? It's hard, and that's what talking out loud is like for me and Aussie." I said, "Anything else?"

Please don't bring up the 1860s. Please don't bring up the 1860s. Please don't bring up the 1860s. Please don't-

"Why don't you get a lot of sleep?" Maman asked. I furrowed my brows.

"Have you ever met an American?" I blurted out, before covering my mouth. Hawaii began laughing.

"Pāpā! ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo wale. ʻIke wau ʻaʻole e hiamoe nā ʻAmelika, akā ʻaʻole ia he manaʻo he kolohe ʻoe. " (Dad! You can't just say that. I know Americans never sleep, but that doesn't mean you should be rude.) Hawaii said to me between laughs.

"Pehea ʻoe e ʻaʻa ai e ʻōlelo aku i kou makuakāne pēlā. Maopopo iaʻu maopopo ka mea aʻu e hana nei. " (How dare you speak to your father that way. I obviously know what I'm doing.) I joked back with her. Hawaii did enjoy chewing people out as a joke, or seriously, when her siblings were being agents of chaos.

"E inoa i hoʻokahi manawa." (Name one time.) Hawaii said back with a smile.

"Um, we don't speak that language, and I still want an answer to the question. And what do you mean by have you ever met an American?" Uncle Ireland asked.

"E kala mai iaʻu." (I'm sorry) Hawaii began. "It's Hawaiian. It's my first language, so I prefer it to English. Not that there's anything wrong with English-"

"I can give you a list of things wrong with English." I commented, smiling at Hawaii. I'm glad she decide to stay with me. It makes me more comfortable and this conversation less awkward for me. Hawaii rolled her eyes at me.

"Fair enough." She said. I then turned to Uncle Ireland to answer his question.

"It's a joke that Americans don't sleep because most Americans have horrible sleep schedules, since, you know, sleep is an option, but work is not." I explained.

"Sleep is not an option!" Maman said.

"Yes it is. You don't need sleep." I said back. I never slept a lot and I was perfectly fine. Sure I sometimes passed out from exhaustion and had memory and attention problems because of it, but it wasn't that bad.

"Yes you do!" Uncle England protested.

"I'm fine without it. Besides, I got an hour of sleep, like, three days ago, so I'm fine." I told them. I don't know why they were overreacting. This has been my sleep schedule since World War Two. I sleep for an hour or two every four days or so. It was fine. They didn't need to baby me. I was fine.

"That's not healthy Ame. You need more sleep than that." New Zealand said. No I didn't. I was fine. Sleep is optional. I didn't need anyone's help. I didn't need to be babied. I was fine. I was fine. I was fine.

"I've had this sleep schedule for a while now. I'm fine." I insisted. I didn't need anyone to baby me. I was fine. "Any other questions?"

"Stop being stubborn and give her a chance!" I heard Texas say from where he was over by Mexico. I looked over to where he was. I saw Texas had his hands on Cali's shoulders and was looking them in the eyes. I hope he and Cali weren't arguing again.

"Ame?" Canada asked, tapping me on the shoulder.

"Sorry. Just hoping Cali and Texas don't start another fight. Anyway, are there any other questions? Ones that preferably don't revolve around my sleep schedule." I asked.

"Ame getting that much sleep isn't healthy! There are a lot of negative things that come out of sleep deprivation!" Uncle England insisted. Why couldn't they just drop this topic. I was fine. I was fine. I was fine.

I didn't need anyone's help. I was fine on my own. I could handle myself. Just because I acted a little immature, or didn't seem like a good father figure doesn't mean I couldn't handle myself. I was fine. I didn't need to be babied.

My family didn't need to worry about me. I was fine. I was fine. I was fine. They were just going to hate me if they found out about my sleep schedule or the Civil War or the Trail of Tears. I couldn't accept their help. I made it this far on my own. I was fine. I was fine. I was fine.

"TEX YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I heard Cali yell. Oh thank god those two started a fight when they did. Now I can avoid this conversation about my sleep schedule. Well, they're probably going to bring it up again. Maybe Ohio and Michigan can start a fight. Then I'll have to leave.

"WE HAVE THE SAME MOM! SHE'S RIGHT THERE!" Texas yelled back. Cali began speaking to Mexico, which I couldn't hear very well.

"You need to stop cussing out Tex. You guys are reaching 'Hio v Michi or York v Mass levels of arguments." Delaware said, obviously having overheard the beginnings of an argument between Texas and Cali. But Cali can yell very loudly, so I'd be surprised if he didn't.

I nodded in agreement with his statement. Those two had been reaching Ohio v Michigan levels of conflict, which I thought was impossible.

"Del's right. You two need to stop fighting over any small thing you can disagree over." I spoke up, feeling my family's eyes on me. It made me nervous. What if they thought I was horrible parent and tried to take my children away?

"Oh come on Pa. We ain't that bad. You've seen 'Hio and Michi. How can we be that bad?" Texas protested. I don't know that either, but you been getting close to it, so obviously something must be happening.

"I dealt with the Toledo War firsthand. I know how bad 'Hio and Michi can be. Michi wasn't even alive when the Toledo War happened." I told him.

"Yeah, so how are we that bad?" Cali asked.

"Four fights in less than an hour. That's more than 'Hio and Michi on a bad day. They can keep it under two." I told them. Ohio and Michigan may not like each other, but at least they know when it isn't the time or place to fight.

"That's because we have a group of states-"

"The Midwest"

"Yes the Midwest. Anyway they're in charge of keepin' those two apart." Texas finished after the being interrupted by New York. Fair enough, but they can still not fight on their own when they realize it isn't the time or place.

"Fair enough, but if you guys don't stop turning every conversation into an argument, we'll have to do the same for you." I told them. Texas rolled his eyes.

"Alright Pa we get it." He said before turning back to Mexico. I sighed.

"Alright if you don't want to talk about your sleep schedule, then tell us this. What happened in the 1860s that none of your kids want to talk about?" Uncle North asked. My breath hitched. I began to feel my panic growing as I thought back to that horrible, horrible war.

Shiloh. Antietam. Gettysburg. Fredericksburg. Vicksburg. The Wilderness. Secession. The Confederate States of America.

My Civil War.

"I have to go!" I said before running out of the meeting room. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself into a stall and my breathing quickened. I couldn't talk about the Civil War. The would judge the south. They would hate me.

So many horrible things happened. I just wanted to forget all of the pain Confederacy wrecked across my land, against my people. I began crying as I thought back to all the pain caused by the Civil War.

I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell my family. The Civil War was a burden carried by the states and I. No one else.

I couldn't accept help from my family. I was fine on my own.

I was fine.

[springinsaturn]

Hoy, 24/mayo/2017, es mi 22º cumpleaños. Y, como todas las personas, tengo una serie de rituales de cumpleaños que se han construido con el paso del tiempo. Entre ellos, las reflexiones, sueños y aspiraciones que tengo al amanecer del 24 de mayo de cada año se han convertido en el motor para buscar expresar lo que mi corazón y mi cabeza dicen y sienten a través de las palabras de alguien más. Por ello, cada año hago una playlist con un motivo de ser distinto respecto de la del año anterior.

En este 2017, la reflexión fue “Lo que necesitas recordar”, es decir, aquellas palabras que necesito recordarme a lo largo de este año de vida que comienzo, y que espero me ayuden a dirigir mis pasos hacia los 23. 22 canciones de mi pasado y presente fueron reunidas para darme lecciones de vida, que espero no olvidar.

 1.       Little Me – Little Mix

¿Sabes qué le dirías a tu “yo” de hace unos años?

Recuérdate eso, cada mañana, al mirarte al espejo.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out, Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder, Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful, Everything she doesn't see You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out, And know that right here, right now, You can be beautiful, wonderful, Anything you wanna be…

2.       Youth – Troye Sivan

Sin importar cuán cliché pueda sonar, estás en el cenit de tu juventud. Actúa como tal. Disfrútalo, diviértete, aprende…

And when the lights start flashing like a photo booth And the stars exploding We'll be fireproof...

3.       The Greatest – Sia & Kendrick Lamar

Sabes que, para ser grande, tienes que esforzarte, tienes que trabajar duro, tienes que sacrificar muchas cosas… Sólo recuerda que ser grande no es sinónimo de fama y/o fortuna; ser grande es sinónimo de saber hacer lo que tienes que hacer, y disfrutarlo cada momento

Letdowns will get you, and the critics will test you But the strong will survive, another scar may bless you

Don't give up (no no), I won't give up (no no) Don't give up

I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive I'm free to be the greatest here tonight

4.       We Like It – Computer Games & Darren Criss

Make it memorable. No importa lo que sea que hagas, asegúrate de que siempre sea más grande que tú misma. Asegúrate de retarte... y de disfrutarlo.

I got my favorite life right here I just heard there was a timer on mortality I want a life that won't disappear...

5.       Power – Little Mix

Darling: Tu feminista persona lo sabe mejor que nadie; hay afuera hombres y mujeres que intentarán convencerte de que eres menos que ellos por tener vagina.

Recuerda que eres más que tu sexo, más que tu género, más que tu orientación sexual… La única que te pone límites eres tú misma. Prove them wrong…

Baby, you're the man But I got the power You make rain But I'll make it shower You should know, I'm the one who's in control I'll let you come take the wheel, long as you don't forget Who got the power…

6.       Heaven –Troye Sivan & Betty Who

Sé gris. Sé verde. Sé azul. Sé rosa. Sé de colores. Sé lo que tu corazón te diga. Seas lo que seas, nunca serás algo incorrecto.

All my time is wasted Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh So if I'm losing a piece of me Maybe I don't want heaven?

 7.       Scars To Your Beautiful – Alessia Cara

No importa si eres talla 3, talla 7 o talla 11. No importa si tus senos son grandes o pequeños. No importa si tienes el cabello corto y ondulado o largo y lacio…

La belleza nunca va a depender del exterior. La belleza depende de cómo te sientes –al interior- contigo misma. Cambia por ti, no por los demás. Sin importar el formato, siempre serás hermosa…

You should know you're beautiful just the way you are And you don't have to change a thing The world could change its heart No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful…

8.       …On the Radio – Nelly Furtado

Nunca vas a hacer felices a todos. Ni vas a hacer que te entiendan. Entiéndete tú, y lo demás se arreglará solo…

I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you And be less then I was just to prove I could walk beside you Now that I've flown away I see you've chosen to stay behind me And still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself…

9.       Queen of Swords - Idina Menzel

No te culpes por cosas que no te corresponden. No te calles. No dejes que los demás tiren basura sobre ti. You’re a queen, darling. Actúa como una.

I can be like a raging storm Don't go asking me for apologies I'll sing 'till you hear my song This time you better believe that there's No way I'm holding back anymore I'm slaying like the queen of swords…

10.   Choose Your Battles – Katy Perry

No todos quieren pelear contigo. No todo tiene que devenir en una guerra. Aprende a elegir tus batallas.

Choose your battles, babe Then you'll win the war Stop digging your own grave When there's so much to live for Choose your battles, babe 'Cause I'm not fighting anymore…

 11.   Kaleidoscope – The Script

Pierde el miedo a la dualidad. Eres dualidad, siempre. Eres tus lágrimas y tus risas. Eres tus sueños y tus miedos. Todo, lo bueno y lo malo, es lo que te hace tú…

Show me your fears, show me your scars, I'll take whatever's left of your heart Give me heaven, give me hell, All the dreams you try to sell, I want your fears, your hopes, The whole kaleidoscope...

12.   No Vacancy – OneRepublic

Deja de proteger tu corazón con candado. Llevas años protegiéndolo, y aun así lo han roto. Es parte de la vida. Deja que las personas puedan entrar a tu corazón, y ganárselo. Las que valen la pena estarán contigo y te ayudarán cuando los demás te rompan el corazón.

I used to be the type to never take a chance, oh Had so many walls, you'd think I was a castle I spent so many empty nights with faces I don't know…

13.   You Can Cry Tomorrow – Betty Who

Rómpete el corazón. Llora, come helado, ve películas cursis… Has lo que sea necesario.

Después levántate…

Honey, they just hit the lotto 'Cause you're back out on the prowl Girl, I know you're broken-hearted Rip it out and we'll restart it…

14.   Lost+ - Coldplay & Jay Z

No siempre vas a ganar. Lo has aprendido muy bien. No significa que no seas lo suficientemente buena. Más importante, no significa que te hayas perdido. No significa que tengas que detenerte. No significa que no saldrás del bache. No es el fin del mundo; nunca lo será…

Just because I'm losing Doesn't mean I'm lost Doesn't mean I'll stop Doesn't mean I would cross...

15.   Fight Song - Rachel Platten

Lucha. Tienes mucho por lo que luchar. No dejes de luchar nunca…

This is my fight song Take back my life song Prove I'm alright song My power's turned on Starting right now I'll be strong I'll play my fight song And I don't really care if nobody else believes 'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

 16.   Life for Rent – Dido

No tienes que asentarte. Por nada, ni por nadie. Tú eres la única que decide qué hace con su vida. Corre, vuela, canta, salta, viaja, llora… Haz lo que tengas que hacer, mientras sea lo que tú quieres hacer. Nadie, excepto tú, tiene el control sobre tu vida. Not all who wander are lost…

 I haven't ever really found a place that I call home I never stick around quite long enough to make it I apologize once again I'm not in love But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought...

 17.   Drink Up – Train

Disfruta cada momento. Guárdalo. Atesóralo. Sabes que pocas cosas suceden dos veces en la vida. Vive con intensidad.

Can't let this moment This moment slip away 'Cause things like this don't happen to us everyday So take this moment And put it in a glass…

18.   Good Ol’ Days – The Script

Crea buenos recuerdos. Crea recuerdos felices. Crea recuerdos tristes. Crea recuerdos que te permitan ver hacia el pasado, y saber que fuiste feliz y que disfrutaste todo lo que estaba a tu alcance, y a todos los que te quieren y acompañan en tus aventuras.

We'll remember this night when we're old and gray Cause in the future these will be the good ol' days...

19.   I’ll Remember – Madonna.

Se agradecida con quienes te acompañan, con quienes te ayudan, con quienes te quieren…

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me Now that I'm standing on my own I'll remember the way that you saved me I'll remember…

 20.   Future Looks Good – OneRepublic

Confía en ti, confía en lo que has aprendido, confía en lo que sabes. Todo estará bien. No le temas a lo que vendrá.

I swear that you are, you are the future And the future looks good…

 21.   Girl Who Got Away – Dido

Sé feliz. Sin arrepentimientos.

If only for today I wanna be The girl who got away The lover who really loved The dancer who danced To the last song

22.   22 – Taylor Swift

Nadie tiene idea de lo que hace a los 22. No necesitas tener la vida perfecta a los 22. No eres demasiado vieja a los 22. No eres demasiado inmadura a los 22. No estás amargada a los 22…

No has vivido ni siquiera la mitad de las cosas que vivirás.

Disfruta los 22. Aprende, crece, equivócate, intenta, ama, llora, ríe, canta, disfruta… Tú vida no se ha acabado. Tu vida apenas comienza…

Everything will be alright If we just keep dancing like we're 22