#alice madness returns incorrect quotes

[lesbianburrito]

Alice: i want to be a caterpillar

Bumby: why?

Alice: they eat a lot, sleep for a long while and wake up beautiful.

Bumby: but they only live for two weeks

Alice: Another benefit!

Bumby: let's just... forget about this conversation, shall we?

[incorrectalicequotes]

[misskittycatkiller]

Okay I know this is out of the ordinary, but hear me out:

I had a dream where Handsome Jack from borderlands was still alive and there was a modern version of Alice from Alice madness returns, they live with Nny (Johnny the Homicidal maniac), who almost kills them multiple times because of his mental state and failed all these times, and are are adventures that feature other characters from different fandoms. As soon as I remembered that dream, I put their names in an incorrect quote generator, and this is what came up (I edited to change "they" to "he"):

Handsome Jack: What do you think Nny will do for a distraction?

Alice: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Alice: ... or he could do that.

Edit: feel free to draw this if you want.

Update: here's another funny one:

Handsome Jack: Tell Alice about the birds and the bees.

Nny: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

Update: didn't expect anyone to like this post. Thank you.

[incorrect-quotes-ahit]

Mustache Girl: god gave me depression because if my ambitions went unchecked I would’ve bested him in hand-to-hand combat by 16

[weirdkev27]

Alice: How can I reach my full potential?

Bumby: You already have!

Alice: What?

Bumby: Seriously, you peaked!

Alice: I came to you for some guidance!

Bumby: That’s what tipped me off.

[incorrectevillious]

Arte: I know--

Pollo: Which way's up and which way's down?

Arte: I was going to say--

Pollo: Your prayers?

Arte: Maddening--

Pollo: Yes, you are. But what am I?

Arte: I'll give you--

Pollo: A present? You shouldn't. I've nothing for you.

[slycooperandcarlosfox]

Alice: Don’t worry, Hatter, we’ll get Mock Turtle to come outside, and then he’ll see there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Hatter: And that’s when I turn him into an automation, right?

Alice: *gives a bummed look.*

[letitrainathousandflames-archive]

Anakin: ugh, not you again. leave me alone, I'm very much on edge today.

Ventress: purrfect. When you're not on edge you're just taking up too much space.

[pastaville-moved-blog]

Slender: Children, We have a new member of our family. I would like you guys to treat her with respect, (Though I know you won't). And make her feel welcomed here! You can come on in, Child!

Alice: Uhm...Hi. If you touch me, I'll kill you.

Jeff: I'm in love.

[liddellvxndort-a]

so i messed with the incorrect quotes generator and made these of the liddell-van dorts

Enjoy:

Alice: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.
Victor: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Alice: Yes!
Maddie: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Alice: If Victor and I were drowning, who would you save?
Maddie: You two can’t swim?
Victor: It’s a hypothetical question, Maddie! who would you save?
Maddie: my time and effort.

Alice: Tell Maddie about the birds and the bees.
Victor: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

Victor: If you had to choose between Maddie and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose? 
Alice: That depends, how much money are we taking about? 
Maddie: Mom!
Victor: 62 cents. 
Alice: I'll take the money. 
Maddie: MOM!!!

Bumby, negotiating with Alice and Victor: I have Maddie. Give me ten thousand dollars and she will be returned to you unharmed
Maddie: Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I’m only worth ten thousand dollars?
Bumby:
Maddie: MAKE IT ONE MILLION–
Bumby: MADDIE STOP

Alice, driving Victor and Maddie: So how was your day?
Maddie: We almost got surprise adopted!
Alice: What?
Victor: We almost got kidnapped.
Alice: Oh, okay.
Alice: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

Store Worker: Would a Mx. Alice please come to the front desk?
Alice, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Victor and Maddie
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Victor and Maddie, simultaneously: We got lost :(
Alice: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

Alice: We need a distraction.
Victor: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Maddie, whispering: My time has come

Alice: How's the sexiest person here~?
Victor: I don't know, how are they~?
Alice, flustered: I-
Maddie, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

Victor: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Alice? 
Alice: … No. 
Maddie: I do! 
Victor: I know, Maddie. 
Maddie: I’m sad! 
Victor: I know, Maddie.

Alice: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste
Victor: We got spring water
Alice: NO.
Maddie: with EXTRA minerals
Victor: it's like licking a stalagmite
Alice: DON'T COME HOME.
Maddie: Mmmmm cave water

Alice: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Victor: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Maddie: Smad.

Alice: Victor and I don’t use pet names. 
Maddie: I see. Hey, what do bees make? 
Alice: Honey? 
Victor: Yes, dear? 
Alice: 
Maddie: Don't ever lie to my face again.

Maddie, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him 
Victor: You did WHAT–

Alice: William Snakespeare

Alice: What time is it? 
Victor: I don’t know; let me play the piano and we’ll find out 
Victor: *Plays piano loudly* 
Maddie: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE PIANO AT TWO IN THE MORNING 
Victor: It’s 2 am

Alice: While I’m gone, Victor, you’re in charge.
Victor: Yes!!!
Alice, whispering: Maddie, you’re secretly in charge.
Maddie: Obviously.

Victor: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night. 
Maddie: You were flirting with Mom. 
Victor: So what? She’s my wife. 
Maddie: You asked her if she was single. 
Victor: 
Maddie: And then you cried when she said she wasn’t.

Maddie: In my defense, I was left unsupervised. 
Victor: Wasn't Alice with you? 
Alice: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Alice: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?
Victor: *turning to Maddie* How tall are you?

@thevalicemultiverse

[incorrectalicequotes]

[incorrectalicequotes]

The Queen of Hearts: Help! Help! Somebody help!

Card Guard: I can get your cat down from the tree, ma’am.

The Queen: No! You mustn’t! I need you to kill it! The wretched creature won’t stop claiming he’s god!

The Cheshire Cat: And what proof do you have to the contrary? I am that I am. If you truly doubt my divinity, strike me down. And yet, see how your hand falters!

(source)

[incorrectalicequotes]

March Hare, picking up a phone: Hello?

Carpenter, over the phone: We have your child.

Hare: I don't have any kids.

Carpenter: Then who the fuck just fell asleep the second we picked him up but woke up and has been repeating the same phrase?

Hare: Oh. You don't have Dormy. He has you. Good luck. *hangs up*

[incorrectalicequotes]

The Cheshire Cat: Are you okay?

Alice: Difficult question.

(x)

[incorrectalicequotes]

Doctor Bumby: You often use humor to deflect serious trauma.

Alice: Thank you.

Doctor Bumby: I didn’t say that was a good thing.

Alice: What I’m hearing is you think I’m funny.

(x)

[incorrectalicequotes]

The Cheshire Cat: Don’t say a word.

Alice: Fergalicious.

Cat: Alice! What did I say?

Alice: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago when we played scrabble it wasn’t a word. But now it is. How convenient for you.