#all i need are just a few teensy weensy sacrifices~

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Into The Unknown, Part 20

First

Previous

The parenting books that they had read said that there was no exact age where babies are supposed to learn how to potty train. And that was fine, it meant that there was a tiny chance that he would be ready early (or late, but they didn’t want to consider that, thanks).

Marinette had thought that she would be relieved when Damian showed signs that it was time to start potty training him. After all, changing diapers was a pain. It was even worse for Tim, she was pretty sure. Tim didn’t complain or try to pawn the kid off on her, but their water bill was through the roof from all the handwashing he did after he changed Damian.

Overall, it was definitely for the best that the kid was showing signs at the earlier end of the spectrum, being only 18 months old (or at least that was their best approximation for his age).

But… ew.

They had settled to just… ignore it. That was a problem for Future Them.

Eventually, though, Future Them became Present Them. They had to have the conversation.

Tim practically fell into bed, the baby in his arms. Damian beamed up at him. He reached his little hands up for him and Tim allowed the kid to pull him down to kiss his nose. Damian hadn’t really learned how to give kisses, it was more like sucking on their skin really quickly, but they appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

Marinette smiled, gently tugging on one of the fake bear ears attached to the hood of the kids’ onesie. “Cutie. Ready for beddy-bye?”

Damian wasn’t. He never was. But he was tired after a long day of… doing whatever it was that babies do, and was asleep within the hour.

Tim sighed and sunk into the bed, resting a hand over his eyes.

She glanced over, raising her eyebrows. “You going to say something or are you going to just angst over there?”

“I am not –.”

Damian shifted a little between them. The two adults tensed up and went silent, not willing to risk waking him up.

When the kid went back to sucking on his thumb and the corner of his koala blanket/toy without waking up, they relaxed.

He gave a helpless little shrug. “He’s officially reached the last qualification for starting potty training.”

“... no way.”

“He went three hours without ‘going’. That’s an hour higher than the recommended amount. I think… I think we have to give up and be good pseudo-parents.”

She groaned quietly. “Great.”

They mourned their happiness.

But then Marinette realized something. “... but, really, this is kinda your problem.”

His head jerked over. “I’m sorry?”

“I mean, I’m not the one with the…” She resisted the urge to point at it.

“So? I’m pretty sure moms are usually the ones that do this kind of stuff.”

“Sexist.”

“You cannot pull the sexism card here.”

“Can and did. Besides, the book suggested modeling behavior for him.”

“I helped change him but I am drawing the line in the goddamn sand right now. I am not showing the kid my – my – you know.”

“Oh? And what am I supposed to do? Mime it?”

He threw the hand that wasn’t cradling Damian’s head in the air frustratedly. “I don’t know! Figure it out!”

She would have crossed her arms but, alas, Damian had wrapped his arms and legs around one of them and only crossing one arm would have been weird. She settled for sinking back into the mattress and glaring at the ceiling.

She wasn’t going to lose this but it seemed like they were getting nowhere. They were already overdue. What to do what to do what to do…?

She turned back to Tim.

“Fine. I’m weaponizing my fucking incompetence. Dicks. How do they work?”

Tim gave her a slightly confused look. “What do you mean?”

“Do they float in water?”

“You’ve bathed him before.”

“That was literally not where I was looking. I was trying to avoid it, actually.”

He opened his mouth as if he was going to answer, then he shook his head. “This isn’t important.”

“It could be. What do you do if it touches the water while you’re going ‘number 2’?”

His eyebrows were slowly creeping to hide behind his bangs. “That… that doesn’t…”

“How do you aim? I remember seeing a sign in a gender neutral bathroom once that said to clean up if you have bad aim, so clearly that’s a problem. How. Do. You. Aim?”

“Uh –?”

“Where does it even tuck into your pants? It goes in your leg, right? Which side? Is it just whichever way or is there, like, one that feels right? Is it the same for everyone –?”

He covered her mouth, his lips pressed into a thin line and his eyes squeezed shut to keep himself from cringing too hard. “Okay. I’ll figure out how to do it without showing him. Just… stop asking questions.”

She settled back in the bed, grinning victoriously.

~

Tim raised his eyebrows when Marinette walked into his work with Damian on her hip. This wasn’t particularly uncommon, his Wednesdays always ran late thanks to the kid who had private lessons and she sometimes stopped by, the weird part was that she was walking with two other women and chatting with them in a way that seemed far more friendly than how she talked to strangers.

He barely dodged the kick thrown at him by the kid he was supposed to be sparring with and backed up, changing his slightly limp defensive guard into palms facing outward placatingly. “Can we end five minutes early today? My wife and kid are here with some strangers, for some reason.”

The girl dropped her guard almost instantly and nodded. She said a quick ‘goodbye!’ and started to run off.

“Hey! You still need to cool down!” He said before she could disappear into the bathrooms and pretend like she hadn’t heard him. “Bear crawls, four laps, and three minutes of light stretching. Then you can go home.”

The girl groaned a little but reluctantly started doing what she was told.

Tim smiled as he accepted the cash that the girl’s mother gave him, offering a slight discount since he was ending early, and then headed over.

“-- but, while I was practicing the sacred art of the popcorn dance, I suddenly stumble and fall down the styrofoam stairs of the playplace and I swear I can still hear the –,” one of them was saying, only to cut herself off when she realized that Tim was nearing them. “Oh, hi. I’m Paige.”

“Tim,” he said awkwardly. Tim gave his ‘wife’ a grateful kiss on the cheek when she handed him her water bottle. They gave him a few moments to drink but he wasn’t all that fond of awkward silences, so… “Sorry, but what’s going on?” He asked.

(He was so confused, he didn’t even know where to start. That was the only safe bet he could think of.)

“It’s Ava’s birthday,” Marinette explained, nodding to the one he hadn’t yet learned the name of. “She wants me to come out with her, I said that I needed to go visit you at work, and both she and Paige wanted to see what you look like.”

Ava smiled. “I mean, I’ve seen a picture of your ID for my job, but it’s nice to actually meet you.”

Was it even worth asking?

“She’s the daycare attendant.”

One question answered. Several hundred to go.

He took Damian in his arms and ignored the kid whining and squirming in his grip because he was sweaty from work.

“I guess that means I’ll need a new sparring partner?” He joked quietly.

Marinette rolled her eyes. “I don’t think our muscles will deflate after one day.”

“‘Don’t think’ means you’re not completely sure,” he pointed out.

“I –,” she started, but was quickly cut off.

“You didn’t get a present for me, right? Can I watch you guys spar as a present?” Asked Ava, beaming.

“No one told me…” She mumbled. Then, louder, she answered: “Sure, as long as Tim’s alright with it.”

Tim shrugged and pawned Damian off on the daycare attendant with ease. “I don’t see any problems with it.”

They started heading toward the mats. Marinette started to pull her hair back into a ponytail, only to remember that it was too short. He pretended not to notice.

She started to unbutton her work shirt, then paused. “Is anyone here?”

“Just David, I think. You should be fine. You got a sports bra on?”

“Obviously. Do you know how many stairs I have to take at work because the elevator is always full?”

… and that was how he ended up flat on his back. Marinette grinned from where she was sitting on his chest, his wrists pinned beneath her knees.

He huffed a little, glaring up at her.

She rolled off of him and they both glanced over at their audience. David had shown up at some point and was clapping politely even though he was holding a spray bottle and clearly just waiting for them to get off so he could start cleaning the mats. Paige had been given Damian at some point and was pretty distracted trying to keep the kid from eating her hair. Ava, however, looked rather pleased.

Tim gave a sarcastic bow, Marinette blew a kiss.

Tim walked over to help David clean since they were both closing that night. They started scrubbing down the mats.

Marinette set a water bottle down next to him before heading off to her friends. He glanced over at David.

“You know, we don’t talk much outside of normal work stuff,” Tim said between sips.

David shrugged awkwardly. “Don’t know what to talk about. Women are off-limits. What else is there?”

Tim had no clue what to say to that. He decided to not really address the problem because how could he and instead said: “I can talk about women.”

“Dude. You’re married. Your wife is literally right there.”

He sighed and tipped his head back to look at her. Even while she was talking with her friends, she bounced Damian on her leg to keep him entertained.

He smiled a little. “Hey! Mari!”

She looked up.

“Which of your friends would you date given the chance?”

“Paige,” she said instantly. “But she has a boyfriend, so.”

“Fair enough.” He looked over at David. “She’s bi.”

“Oh. Dude. Nice.”

“... I’m… also bi.”

“Oh… nice?”

Tim rolled his eyes. “How about we stick to talking about clients?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good...”

~

Marinette felt someone come to a stop behind her while she worked and absently looked up, expecting Paige or her boss or even Ava.

And, well, it was her boss. The boss.

Bruce Wayne stood over her, an unreadable expression on his face.

She fought the urge to hide under her desk or start begging for forgiveness. He had to know. He shouldn’t know anything about the multiverse, but somehow he must have. This was Batman we’re talking about here!

But then he continued on to go loom over the poor bastard in the cubicle next to her.

She breathed a sigh of relief.

She checked to make sure that he wasn’t coming back before sending Tim a quick text.

Hey, just met your dad. He’s fucking terrifying. How’s he so intimidating and you’re so… you?

Her ‘husband’ spammed her with angry emojis. Marinette was not any more intimidated by this.

~~~~~

Next

@unoriginalmess @hammalammadamdam @astrynyx @laurcad123 @927roses-and-stuff @toodaloo-kangaroo @queenz-z @imarivers8 @jeminiikrystal @adrestar @twsssmlmaa

[nikkoliferous]

Ragnarok Makes No Damn Sense (Part 1)

Having now laid out who Loki has always been and why there was an open agenda to demean and debase him, we come to why Thor: Ragnarok is antithetical to his character. Buckle your damn seatbelt. We've got a lot to unpack.

Off the bat, we're supposed to be appalled/annoyed/something that Loki has usurped the throne from Odin. Yet when last we left our heroes, Thor had abdicated his role as King of Asgard, knowing full well that Odin's health was failing, he was emotionally unfit to rule, and there was no other heir to fill his role. Oops! And for all that we're meant to believe in Loki's selfish ambitions for a throne, let us not forget that Loki-as-Odin at the end of The Dark World offered Thor this kingship. It was Thor who refused. What was it he said at the time? Oh, yes.

"For all his grave imbalance, Loki understood rule as I know I never will."

Now Ragnarok wants us to forget all that. It doesn't suit the narrative Taika Waititi wishes to spin. He wants us to believe that Loki is a terrible, lazy ruler who cares only about glorifying himself. But wait, is Loki a terrible ruler? The Hero™ tells us he is, so it must be so. And yet all we really know of Loki's reign is that he had a non-interventionist foreign policy, improved public infrastructure, and supported the arts. Wow, yeah, what a dick.

We will soon go on to meet Doctor Strange, a character who in comparison to Loki is a novice at magic yet somehow repeatedly manages to get the drop on the trickster. This is necessary in order to minimize Loki's power and competence in the eyes of the viewer. Let me also explain why the "I have been falling for 30 minutes" scene is not charming.

Does anyone think perhaps Loki may have a touch of PTSD related to the sensation of falling? No? Then perhaps we should instead analyze the deleted scene in which Loki is locked in a portapotty while men repeatedly urinate on him until Thor arrives to let him out. The fact that this was an idea someone had to begin with is gross. The fact that they came close enough to using it that it was actually filmed is downright shameful. Every single person at Marvel involved in approving this trash should commit seppuku in penance.

Ignoring the sexual assault implications here... I mean, this is literally toilet humour. Literally. What are we, five years old? Who the hell actually finds this funny?

"I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world." - Doctor Strange, Thor: Ragnarok

So how did you miss the huge, purple nutsack wreaking havoc across the cosmos? I mean, no offense. I'm just saying.

Now we have the culmination of Odin's A+ parenting. He's at the end of his life just because he feels like it, I guess, so now it's time to pretend he gives a damn about Loki for a few seconds again. One "I love you" without even looking at him is supposed to make a millennium of emotional abuse and neglect all better or something. Even in his death, Odin can't seem to stop screwing with Loki's mind. What a charming man, I'll sure miss him.

Oh, but before he's on his way, he has a teensy weensy confession to make. Remember when he lied to you about your entire existence, Loki? LOL! He lied to Thor about being the firstborn too! And now the evil sister neither of you knew you had is coming to destroy everything and he's given you no time to plan how to stop her! Don't you feel much better now?

It's been about five minutes since we were reminded that Loki is a coward and an idiot or something, so contrary to Tom Hiddleston's own words that

"The thing with Loki is that, if he’s afraid, he won’t show it. He’s been highly trained, through the experience of his slightly traumatic life, to shield his fears."

it became necessary for Loki to immediately panic and lead Hela straight to the one place he knows she'll be most powerful. Whoops!

The Warriors 3 are quickly dispatched by Hela because it's important we remember that the first two Thor movies were trash and nothing that ever happened in them has any meaning. By the way, Heimdall is Thor's new BFF now and Thor will never mention his former friends ever again. Ever. Like, even in passing. Like they never existed. Those people who committed literal treason for him both before and after he was banished in Thor (2011). And then again in The Dark World. Those friends.

Meanwhile, Thor and Loki have both landed on a planet called Sakaar. It's a giant trash heap and that about sums up how I feel about this whole damn movie, so credit to TW for the symbolism, I suppose. Here's possibly the most cringeworthy moment in the whole debacle—and that's a very high bar. Or low, I guess, depending on how you look at life.

He's a Norse god... screaming, "oh my god!" I don't have enough hands for all the facepalming I feel like doing right now.

Anyhow, Loki and Thor have arrived on Sakaar separately and Thor has just noticed Loki sitting across the room, casually joking about his own suicide attempt. Because there's nothing funnier than suicide, amirite?! Especially when you still haven't sorted through any of the complex issues that led you to become suicidal to begin with. Who cares? We're just here for the lulz, yeah?

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Korg, I'm the director's annoying self-insert, and I'll be pissing on every poignant moment from here on out because reflection is for nerds. You just need to smile more."

Hey, remember that time in The Dark World where Loki was stuck in solitary confinement for a year and Thor didn't come to visit him even once? Now Thor is the one locked up and Loki has come to visit him almost immediately. To offer his help. To try to relate. Maybe mourn the loss of... everything together. But Thor's not interested in relating. He's interested in scapegoating Loki, because that's what this family does.

"What would you like me to say? You faked your own death, you stole the throne, stripped Odin of his power, stranded him on Earth to die, releasing the Goddess of Death.” - Thor, Thor: Ragnarok

To borrow a phrase from the late Luke Skywalker, "Amazing. Every word of what you just said is wrong."

► Loki has never faked his death. What he did is fail to die on Svartalfheim, through no fault of his own. It seems a little insane I have to defend Loki's right to not die, but here we are, I guess.

"We planned to have Loki have a redemptive death[...]We think he's wounded, but it wasn't a death blow." - Kevin Feige, The Dark World DVD extras

"Loki probably in his heart wants to be worthy, and the way he achieves his redemption—his salvation—is to ultimately sacrifice himself, for Thor and for Jane. I hope it’s a very cathartic and moving moment, by saving his brother’s life and avenging his mother’s death." - Tom Hiddleston, The Dark World DVD extras

The worst that can be said of Loki's "betrayal" of Thor at the end of The Dark World is that he failed to inform him that he had survived. And Loki had very good reasons to do so. What had Thor offered him in exchange for his help with the Dark Elves? He would return him to his cell to live out the rest of his days in complete isolation—a fate that I will just reiterate is classified as a form of psychological torture.

► Loki didn't steal the throne. As mentioned above, he offered Thor the throne. Thor said no.

► There is zero evidence beyond Thor's own assumptions that Loki stripped Odin of his powers. We are meant to believe this only because we are told that it is so. On the contrary: "It took me some time to break free of your spell," Odin tells Loki before his death. But if Odin had been stripped of his power, how then did he eventually break free? Upon examination, Thor's logic fails.

► Loki did not "strand Odin on Earth to die". He left him in a freaking retirement home where he had every expectation that Odin would be well-cared for. An argument can certainly be made that after everything Odin has done to Loki in the past, Loki was downright merciful not to kill the old man in his sleep and be done with it.

► Loki had no way of even knowing Hela existed. How is her release his fault and not, say, Odin's for dealing with all his problem children by tossing them out and throwing away the key? Or for not preparing his sons for the day they would be forced to face her?

Oh well. Now it's time for Loki Is A Coward™, Part Deux, because as I may have mentioned previously:

"The thing with Loki is that, if he’s afraid, he won’t show it. He’s been highly trained, through the experience of his slightly traumatic life, to shield his fears." - Tom Hiddleston

MINOR ENDGAME SPOILER:

Reminder also that this was Loki's reaction to the Hulk in Endgame, only minutes after being beaten to a pulp by him

Doesn't seem particularly frightened, but what do I know?

Hey, remember back in Thor (2011) when this happened? If the Valkyrie were already legend, why did Sif need to prove herself as a female warrior?

Shhh. You were supposed to forget about that minor detail. Now back to the butt jokes.

Now let’s take a short intermission, shall we? Because this movie blows so hard that if I put all my criticisms in one post, it’ll probably break Tumblr.

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