#also I bet none of y’all can actually guess which one my favourite is

[afterartist]

Reblog with the reasons why I’m curious lmao

[kingsandsaints]

~ Author Meme ~

I claim to be tagged by @ihni ! wasn’t tagged directly but I wanted to do this so here y’all go !

I don’t have a lot of work published so far so I’m going to take some liberties and talk about some WIPs as well

Author Name: KingsAndSaints (formerly WhereTheWildThingsWent but who has the time to type or remember that)

Fandoms you write for:  Nowadays it’s all Harringrove but I’ve written SO MUCH that I’ve never posted. Pretty much all of it was RPF, either of youtubers or bands. 

Where you post: AO3

Most popular one-shot: The only one-shot I’ve published is Like A Sunburn, so I guess that one. It’s about Billy having chronic pain after the battle of Starcourt and doesn’t even have 1k reads. I’m still glad I wrote it because I gave Billy the same condition as my roommate and writing it was a way for me to imagine what her life is like on a day to day basis. I’ve only told her that I wrote it a few weeks ago and it’s going to be the first piece of my fanfic that she’s ever going to read which will be weird. More so because I’m kind of nervous that I got something wrong, but it will be good to be told so. 

Favourite story you wrote:  It has to be Definitely Something. I started it trying to write something light and funny for a change but it seems I can’t write anything over 1k without also throwing in some turbulent musings on the human condition. It was really fun to dig into the characters and come up with their family history, wants and needs. And some of the comments I got on that one can still bring me to tears. I’m still really proud that I finished it. 

Story you were nervous to post:  I have some mpreg stories in my drive that I am nervous to post, present tense. I know a lot of people are put off by mpreg because it tends to feminize male characters, which is fair. However, I think the problem is not that a man having a baby is weird. It’s that pregnancy itself is just insane, regardless of gender or sex. It’s an incredibly intense thing your body goes through and I think the fact that it’s happening to a male character just brings the inherent weirdness to the surface. We’ve just normalized and kinda glamorized pregnancy for women when I think it’s just as weird and beautiful and gross as a man having a baby. 

There is so much conflict you can draw from in mpreg. In of the stories I’m writing Billy is intersex, gets pregnant by accident and hates every second of it. For him being a pregnant boy in the 80s is an incredibly traumatizing and dysphoric experience. He just wants to get out of Hawkins, get into college and move on with his life. Meanwhile, Steve is pretty excited about having a child and getting some purpose and direction in his life now that he doesn’t have college to look forward to. The tension between Billy not wanting anything to do with the baby and Steve wanting to keep it while both want to stay together is one I find really interesting to write about.

That’s part of the reason why I ended up writing my thesis about A/B/O. Because it’s weird and kind of uncomfortable but that discomfort is proof that there is something strange and novel going on regarding sex and gendered embodiment. For me, that initial discomfort is the main reason to explore male pregnancy and how it would function on a personal and societal level

How do you choose your titles: 

They just come to me. I usually get a few ideas while I’m writing and pick one, but if I don’t have anything, I just chose something from a list I made of phrases that sound nice. In the case of Definitely Something, I had the title before I worked it into the story. 

Do you outline:  I start out with a collection of scenes that I like. When I feel like I have enough plot material and I want to make a serious effort to finish the story, I’ll do some outlining before try to fill in the gaps, just so I feel like I know where I’m going. I also outline during revision.

Complete: 3 on AO3, 5 if I count old Wattpad fics in.

In Progress:  Too many. I tend to abandon stories for new ideas and pick them back up much later. What I’m working on changes from week to week. In the case of Definitely Something, I wrote the first scenes 16 months before I’d finished the final chapter and wrote a bunch in the meantime. 

This week I came up with three one-shot ideas, none of which are finished just yet but the fact that they are short is very new for me. All my ideas usually end up being novel-length so it’s nice to get some ideas that I could actually finish within a week’s time. The one I’m closest to finishing is one where Steve doesn’t want Billy to get a tattoo for him, but then Billy remembers he’s a naughty bitch. 

I also have my Two Princes AU based on a serial fiction podcast but more on that one later. 

Do you accept prompts: no... I don’t have enough faith in my skills as a writer to ask for requests. There are already a bunch of incredibly talented writers in this fandom who can stir up some brilliant one-shots with one or two lines of prompt, but I don’t think I’d be one of them.

Upcoming story you are most excited to write:  The Two Princes AU! The fun thing about writing an AU is that I know exactly what’s supposed to happen but you also have a lot of freedom. 

The podcast is quite jolly and gets through events fairly fast, but in text, I have the time to really develop the characters, describe their train of thought and add a few additional storylines. Another thing is that in audio they don’t really describe the scenery so I get do add that element as well. Plus, it’s been really fun to study the story and figure out where how I’d cast the characters of Stranger Things into the existing roles. 

OH, and making a playlist?? I found this string quartet that does classical covers of pop songs and they made albums of the soundtrack of the first two seasons of ST so you fucking bet I’m gonna have Prince Billiam enter the stage on a string cover of Rock You Like A Hurricane !!! 

So yes I’m very excited about this. Feeling pretty confident this will be the next multi-chapter thing I’m going to post. I kind of want to finish it before I start posting so I can pop a chapter out every week and illustrate each chapter.

Tagging: I’m gonna do the same as Ihni and just say if you wanna do this I have hereby tagged you! You have my full permission to indulge in your own writing! Don’t forget to tag me in the post so I can read all about your process!! 

[nickireadstfc]

The Raven King, Chapter 15 – Take A Chill Pill, Your Highness

In which the Ravens display levels of Extra previously unbeknownst to man, I have a fit over Actual Biological Dadmack, Jean Valjean is immortalized in meme, and I generally don’t take the Ravens very seriously – until I suddenly take them very, very seriously.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

Y’all ready for a fun festive chapter filled with tinsel, merry goodwill and all of that shit?

Because that is exactly not what we are having today.

Instead, our boy Neil is on a (potentially one-way) trip to Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom.

FUN FUCKING TIMES AHEAD.

STRAP YOURSELVES IN.

           There was no way he could tell [the Foxes] the truth. None of them would let him go through with it.

Ya, guess why – cause it’s a dumb fucking idea, Josten.

No, no, I’m being unfair, I get it. I get why he’s doing it, and you know what? I’m not even judging him for doing it. My unhealthily loyal ass would probably do the same.

Neil tricks the Fox squad into letting him go to Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom by telling them he is instead going to Angsty and Only Slightly Scary Land of Family Drama – which the Foxes buy, of course, as they all want to see Neil happily united with his family.

As do I, except I know that leaving Fox Tower puts Neil in the opposite direction of his family.

Brb crying softly.

           [Neil] had it half-packed when he realized the bag was too small. (…) Even when his bag was full there were things in his drawers. Neil was at once confused and heartened, and he pressed a hand to his folded shirts. It was proof he was coming back, something he hadn’t had since he was a child.

BRB WAILING LOUDLY.

Neil :((((( my boy :(((((( lifelong runaway :((((((((( has found a home to come back to :((((((((((((((

I’m fine, there’s just a bit of fox family feels in my eye.

           “I’m coming back,” Neil said, more for his sake than Kevin’s. “You promised you’d finish this year with me. I’m holding you to that.”

:((((((((((((((((((((((((((

You better come back, Josten. In one piece, healthy and with ya boy Andrew in tow, holding hands preferably. YOU BETTER.

           He’d been raised to run, to sacrifice everything and everyone to ensure his own survival. His mother had never gives him ground to stand on. Maybe that was why he hadn’t been strong enough to save her in the end. A jumble of lies had nothing to fight for.

           But Neil was a Fox. Andrew called this home; Nicky called him family. Neil wasn’t going to lose any of it.

Ya girl’s gotta have her holiday appropriate reaction GIFs.

And with that, our favourite sassy (and recently self-sacrificing) angstbag leaves for West Virginia.

           Jean was waiting for him in arrivals. (…) “You shouldn’t have come here.”

When even the Fucker™’s lieutenant knows you fucked up, then you really fucked up.

Jean Valjean and Neil leave for Edgar Allan, and upon arriving Neil finds that not only do the Ravens all own the exact same uniforms, formal wear, and bitchy facial expressions, they also have matching squad cars. With like, customized licence plates and stuff, for extra Extra-ness.

           “This isn’t a team,” Neil said. “It’s a cult.”

And little did I fucking know, this was going to be the spot-on summary for everything that followed in the next couple of pages.

The Ravens take “squad goals” to a whole another level – meaning a level no sane human would ever fucking want to get on.

Everything is black – from their walls to their furniture to their sheets to their towels. Heck, to their fucking team underwear, probably.

Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom? Scratch that. Extra and Dramatic Raven Land of Trying Too Hard, more like.

Even their fucking hallway is on brand.

           Everything was painted black, the pnly light and color was a red tube of light down the middle of the ceiling. It wasn’t quite bright enough. When Jean slammed the door behind them Neil almost tripped down the stairs.

Okay, but how do they not trip down there all the time. My clumsy ass would have gotten more bruises from that staircase alone than from actual Exy games.

You know you’re in Extra and Dramatic Raven Land of Trying Too Hard when even the staircase is bootcamp.

But seriously: Living surrounded by so much black, always subterranean except for class or away games, essentially locked up with a bunch of people who form a military hive mind, but no real friendships?

You can bet your ass all Ravens walk out of there with a nice little cocktail of mental health issues.

And oh, look – Riko’s got his ones already.

           It gave Neil chills to see [Kevin’s] space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he’d transferred to another team entirely.

           “Riko’s in denial,” Neil said. “Someone should tell him Kevin isn’t coming back.”

Nice to see that our boy Josten doesn’t plan to shut his too-sassy mouth any time soon.

I mean, it would generally be exponentially better for his general survival, but what a dull chapter that would be.

Immediately after his arrival, Neil is shown to the stadium, and while that is impressive and all, the fuckery starts once again when he his shown to his jersey – and yes, his jersey.

Apparently, expecting his – ahem – “transfer” in summer, the Ravens had him a full gear made, name on the back and all that jazz.

“That jazz” here being things like selling his soul and at least 1 1/2 kidneys to the god of Extra, probably.

HOW ARROGANT ARE THESE PEOPLE, Jesus fucking Christ.

However, when Neil disrespects the Holy Raven Uniform, things starts to get interesting:

           “Ravens operate on a pair-based system, which means from now on until you leave I am the only ally you have. My success is your success,” Jean said. “Your failure is my failure. (…) Do you understand? They want us to fail. They want to take starting line-up from me.”

Holy hell.

Things just got massively, massively interesting.

First of all: WHAT THE FUCK. What sort of twisted attempt at companionship is this, forcing people to depend on each other – and only each other, mind, as the Ravens are forbidding from having friends outside the team.

Second of all: Well, well, well. Apparently, Neil is not the only one who has something to lose. As far as I can tell, Jean Valjean’s future is in Neil’s hands.

Bread guy, what did you do to make Coach Fucker™ so mad at you?

Whatever it is – Neil is now expected to play with the Ravens, of course. And hopefully not die, that would be spleen-fucking-did.

           “The master is moving you to defense where you belong. He will want to know why you abandoned your position. I hope you have a good explanation for him.”

Seriously, can they like… chill on the whole master thing?

I know it’s supposed to be scary and intimidating, but honestly, it just makes them downright ridiculous.

I don’t even know if that’s on purpose. I hope it is, but if this is seriously supposed to be intimidating, that is some bad fucking writing. Sorry, but also not sorry.

Jean Valjean blabs on some more about the master and belonging to the Fucker Family™ and bla, bla, bla – and just as I was about to get seriously annoyed by it, he nonchalantly drops the single greatest bit of information in this chapter.

           “Kevin is not like us; he is valuable but he is not property in the same sense. He escaped because he had family to run to.”

           “Andrew?” Neil guessed.

           “I said family, you hard-of-hearing imbecile,” Jean said. “His father. Your coach.”

WHAT

WHAT IN THE FUCKING WHAT

W Y M A C K???????????

KEVIN’S D A D??????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿???????

I had to put the book down and just straight up YELL for a second.

ACTUAL FOX DAD WYMACK.

LIKE, ACTUAL ACTUAL BIOLOGICAL FUCKING DAD WYMACK.

DADMACK.

Y’all knew this and kept quiet about this, I am so proud.

Also DADMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

           “If you don’t believe me, look for yourself. The last time I saw his mother’s letter it was tucked inside one of those broing book of his. He’s read it so many times he might have worn the words off the pages by now, but it’s worth a shot.”

The mental image of angsty teen Kevin poring over this letter that’s promising him a family beyond the cruel black walls of this abuser’s prison, reading it so many times the paper almost falls apart, tear stains etched onto the pages, is doing things to me.

YOU GUYS, I’M HAVING FEELINGS.

Ahem. All good, all good.

On with the program.

           “You’re all insane,” Neil said.

           “Says the runaway who joined a Class I team,” Jean said. “Says the man who came here today when he should have run. You are no better than the rest of us.”

……Damn, bread boy. Jean Valjean here has got a point, y’all.

Neil, stunned by that unexpected Too Real shade, even manages to put on his uniform.

           “I can’t even keep my ten?” Neil asked.

           “(…) This number suits you better. Did you know? In Japanese, ‘four’ and ‘death’ sound the same. It is only appropriate that the Butcher’s son should wear this number.”

Also, of course, he is fourth in line after Riko, Kevin and Jean, and together they naturally for the Raven’s Awesome Exy Dream Team that is Definitely Happening.

Dream the fuck on, drama boys.

(A tiny voice on the back of my mind is reminding me that I have seen Neil wear a small ‘4’ tattooed on his cheekbone in countless fanarts and cosplays.)

(A tiny voice is getting swiftly ignored.)

Neil has to strip in front of Jean Valjean in order to test his uniform, over which he is surprisingly not angsting out as much as I thought he would. Character Development Josten strikes again, y’all.

And just as I was beginning to wonder when the actually bad shit would happen – here comes the fuckery.

           Neil looked back to see Tetsuji and Riko in the doorway. Tetsuji had brought an ornate walking cane with him. Neil had never seen him with it before and hope that meant Tetsuji was suffering some sort of injury or illness.

That Fucker, Senior™ embraces the traditional Dramatic and Slightly Disturbing Moriyama fashion and orders our boy Josten to kneel.

Neil, of course, embraces the traditional Hilarious, Yet Suicidal Josten fashion and sasses himself straight in his own grave.

           “You will kneel,” Tetsuji said.

           Neil had a feeling he was going to regret this for the rest of his very short life, but he smiled and said, “Make me.”

Neil, sweetie, I love you so much, but in your own self-interest please learn to shut the fuck up.

           He saw the cane come up, but it was too fast for him to dodge. (…) Tetsuji didn’t stop beating him until he finally passed out.

What the fuck, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS FUCKER SENIOR. WHY.

WAS THIS NECESSARY.

The answer is: In Moriyama world, yes.

And not enough with that – freshly woken up from his pain-induced power nap, Neil is expected to play.

As in, play Exy.

As in, play Exy in a position he hasn’t played in forever, with a team literal leagues above him, with a physical state that should be in a hospital, not on a court.

Oh, also Riko hits him every time he comes near him, which is all the fucking time.

So, you know. FUN TIMES ALL AROUND.

           Every time Neil fell, though, Jean was there to pull him off the ground. (…) They were in this together, just like Jean warned Neil. Every time the other team scored they were both punished.

I’d love to thank Jean for doing this and for being kind of the only person Neil has in this hellhole of a temporary home, except we know Jean is not doing this because he’s such a nice fucking person, but because he got assigned to do it. And by “assigned” I mean “threatened into doing it”.

Still, this sets the stage for Jean potentially becoming a likeable character in the future, and I’m excited to see what comes of this angry French baguette.

           “You ignorant child. This is the Raven’s Nest. We go by our time, not yours. We run on sixteen-hour days. You’ll see.”

wE gO bY oUr TiMe, NoT yOuRs, wE rUn oN sIxTeEn-HoUr DaYs

ARE YOU FOR REAL

WHAT LEVEL OF ARROGANT AND EXTRA

I am so fucking done.

Except, I’m not – I wish I was, because that would have made the next bit a bit more bearable.

Here goes the one actually scary part of this chapter.

           Riko sat sideways on the mattress besides Neil. He looked at Neil like he was imagining skinning Neil alive and feeding Neil the bloody scraps. His expression said he was getting off on the fantasy.

HELL FUCKING NOPE.

           “I am going to love hurting you,” Riko said, “like I loved hurting Kevin.”

           “You are one seriously fucked-up individual,” Neil said.

Neil, sweetie, do you remember that part about possibly shutting the fuck up.

They tie Neil to the bed. Awesome. As if I didn’t have enough horrible mental images from this series that involve people gripping headboards.

Also, did I mention the part where Riko has a fucking switchblade.

           “Who is your King, Nathaniel?” Riko asked.

           Neil spat in his face.

There’s a cool lil list of Things You Could Have Possibly Done In That Situation, and this is not fucking on it.

Of course, Riko now lets Neil make the questionable acquaintance of his knife – which is to say, he almost fucking guts him.

What the fuck. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

Neil, I love you, and I appreciate your sass in all its forms, but this has just become 50 Shades Of Fucked Up just now.

Phew.

Dreaded Christmas chapter done.

Surprisingly, though – this chapter did not shock me as much as I thought it would. I went in this expecting the Absolute Worst, and though it did hit me pretty hard I was kinda… prepared, I guess? Thanksgiving was definitely much, much worse.

Which does not mean I am not still going ‘WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK’ in a continuous loop in my head.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing (affording a laptop and such), please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <33

[picascribit]

Discards: original notes

Because someone asked about my writing process, I’ve decided to share with y’all the original notes I wrote up for Discards when the idea first came to me, all at once in the middle of the night (which I just happened to find in my email drafts). You can see how much the story evolved from my initial thoughts. You’ll notice a few ideas that were dropped from the final version, some pretty significant ones that were added in later, or grew in the telling, and how some of it survived the whole process, and ended up exactly as written in the finished story. Putting it under a cut because it’s very long.

R/S in their early 20s. S is a librarian at the main branch of the seattle public library. R is a community college student studying psychology and gender/sexuality, with an eye towards working with LGBT youth.

Remus was kicked out by his parents when they found out he was gay at ~15/16. He dropped out of high school, and did survival sex work, living on the street. He contracted HIV, but was lucky enough to catch it early. He's managing his condition. Be sure to work in mentions of taking his meds and seeing doctors. Still homeless, but working hard to get out of it. Got his GED, and some community college scholarships. Still sleeps at shelters or rough. Can't get benefits if you're a student?

At a shelter, he met Lily, who was there with her family. Since then, Lily's parents got subsidised housing, and Lily lives with them in their one bedroom apartment. Petunia moved in with her boyfriend. Lily works as a waitress, and volunteers at a soup kitchen on weekends, where Remus is still getting some of his meals. Sometimes Remus crashes on Lily's floor, but they don't really have room for him.

Remus is still doing sex work to pay for some of his college, some food, bus fare, and study drugs that keep him alert and focused.

Sirius was also kicked out by his very wealthy parents as a teenager, possibly for being trans. He moved in with Jame's family, and is still living with them, but he's trying to work towards independence. Wants to get his own place, pay for his his own top surgery, etc. James's mother got him the library job.

When the story opens, SB has been watching this cute hipster looking guy at a study table for half the day, whenever he has a spare minute. Knows he's not supposed to hit on patrons. Watches RL go to the self-checkout computers at the end of the afternoon, and search his pockets before coming over to the desk.

"I forgot my library card. Is there any way I can still check these out?" "Sure. What's your name?" "Remus Lupin. L-U-P-I-N." "Phone number?" SB asks, wishing he were asking for himself, and knowing it's not ethical to copy down a patron's number. RL gives it to him. SB begins to check out the books, noticing that they're all about sex and sexuality. "They're for a class," RL says, blushing. "I wasn't going to ask," SB assures him with a smile. "Patrons' interests are none of our business." RL thanks him and hurries out. Remus, SB thinks. His name is Remus. hopes he'll come back soon.

A week or so later, SB encounters RL in the stacks when he's reshelving books. Human sexuality section again. Tells him not to reshelve books himself, since one of the metrics library funding is based on is how many books they reshelve. RL hesitates, the book halfway onto the shelf. "Oh. I didn't know that." He pulls the book back, hesitates again, and then pulls three more off the shelf. "Should I just give them to you, or ...?" "You can give them to me. Or leave them on the cart at the end of the row." RL hands him the books. SB notices RL is a few inches shorter than him, and has long fingers. "Thanks. Remus, right? I'm Sirius. I checked you out the other day." SB says, belatedly remembering that he's wearing a nametag, and that Remus already knows his name, if he cared to look. RL looks startled to be remembered, but nods. "So, you're a student? What's your major?" SB asks, knowing full well that he's not supposed to be asking patrons personal questions. RL nods and tells him about studying psych with a focus on gender/sexuality. "Oh. That sounds interesting." "It is." Awkward silence. Sb wants to keep talking to RL, but RL is wary of strangers and of letting people get close to his life. "What are you thinking of doing with it?" "I want to be a counselor or therapist. Find find a way to do some good in the world." "That sounds noble." "I guess," RL shrugs. "I just want to help people." RL throws SB a bone. "Working in a library must be pretty interesting, too. Did you study Library Science." "Nah, I haven't been to college yet. My mom's a big patron of the arts. She talked to some people and got me the job." "Oh," says RL, closing off a little more. "Well, that was nice of her." "Yeah." more awkward silence. SB wants to let RL know he's queer. Reaches past him for a book on the top shelf, with an unambiguously queer focus (maybe Levithan's anthology). "I recommend this one, if you're interested in queer studies. It's one of my favourites. The editor writes some really good queer YA fiction, too, if that's your thing." "Thanks," says RL, adding the book to his stack. "I'll check it out. And check it out." They both laugh awkwardly. "Well, see you around," says SB. "Yeah. See you."

[Scene with SB and JP, where SB tells him about this cute guy he met at the library. "You're always meeting cute guys at the library." "Yeah, but I think this one might be queer. At least, he's studying gender and sexuality. I don't think a lot of straight guys do that." JP shrugs, and lets SB gush a bit. "So are you going to ask him out?" "I dunno. I mean, I can't at work, can I? It's unprofessional. I'd have to find a way to see him outside work, and ask him then." JP laughs. "Catch-22. You can't see him outside work unless you see him outside work." SB laughs, too, but then sobers up. "If I did ask him out, d'you think he'd mind about -- you know." JP shrugs. "Probably only one way to find out."]

A few days later, RL comes right up to the desk to check out his books, not even bothering with the self-checkout computers. "I read that book you recommended. It was really good. Thanks." "I'm glad you liked it." RL has one of Levithan's fiction books in his stack today. "Oh, that's a good one, too. I hope you like it." RL gives him a smile. "I'll let you know."

[maybe this is where we follow RL to the bus, and to the soup kitchen, see him talk to LE about the hot guy at the library who he thinks might have been hitting on him. "I've never given a guy that hot my number before." "ooh! You gave him your number?" "Not really. He asked for it, professionally, when I was checking out books." "What does he look like?" "Tall, dark hair, gray eyes. Way out of my league." "Don't sell yourself short, Remus." RL rolls his eyes. "I'm not exactly a catch, am I?" LE smiles at him. "I'd catch you. If you were into girls. I bet we'd both get moved up the housing list if we got married." RL laughs, knowing it's half a joke. "You'd be wasted on me. Someday you'll make some guy very happy." "So will you. What makes Library Boy so unattainable, anyway?" "He said his mom is a 'patron of the arts'. Probably means he has money coming out of his ass. Unless he's into homeless guys, I'm probably out of luck." LE asks him if she can walk him to [shelter name]. RL says he has to work. She hugs him. "Stay safe."]

Next time he's at the library, RL is stretching and thinking about how hungry he is, when SB appears at his table. "Hey, I'm just about to go on my lunch break, and you look like you could use a break, too. Care to join me? My treat." RL hesitates, but there's no way he can turn down free food, and SB is hot. He packs up his books and papers and follows SB to the library cafe, where there is nothing more complicated than soup and sandwiches. "Get whatever you want," SB tells him. They get their food and find at table, and then RL realises that this means he's going to have to talk to SB about himself. Don't panic, he tells himself. Stick to school stuff. Not actually sure this is a date, but suspects it is. Sb asks if he liked the Levithan book. RL says he hasn't had a chance to read it yet. It's been a busy week. SB talks more about which Levithan books he loves (maybe mention some with trans characters), and how he has been reading them for ages, ever since he first realised he was queer. "Sometimes it seemed like they were my only friends. Apart from James." Tells RL about getting kicked out, and living with James's family, and how lucky he is, but doesn't mention yet being trans. RL doesn't talk about getting kicked out, because he doesn't want to tell SB about being homeless, but he agrees that SB is lucky, and says his own parents weren't thrilled about his sexuality, either. "It sucks, doesn't it?" says SB. "They tell you your family are the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, but sometimes they can be the biggest, most judgmental dicks of all." "Yeah." Now that they are out to each other, RL can talk a little bit about wanting to work with queer youth, who are at high risk of homelessness, mental illness, and exploitation. SB thinks it's great RL is doing that. RL thinks it was the only way i could save myself: by realising that if I did, I could save other people, too. When SB's lunch hour is up, he says this was nice, and maybe they could do it again sometime. RL doesn't want to commit, in case SB might say it's his turn to treat next time. "Yeah, maybe."

[Scene where SB and JP talk about the "date". SB comments that it always seems like RL is ready to run off, or like he's afraid someone is going to jump on him.]

On another day, RL falls asleep, exhausted, at a study table. SB wakes him at closing time. RL is dismayed and starts shoving papers and books into his bag. He has classes that evening, and he's going to be late. Sb says he's off in 10, and can drive him, which is faster than the bus. RL hesitates, then agrees. He's starting to worry about being in SB's debt. There is a severe imbalance in their relationship to date. In the car, SB is kind of nervous. Tells RL that he doesn't want him to feel like he's trapping him or anything. but he's not allowed to hit on patrons at work, and he really likes RL, so here's his phone number, if he ever wants to talk or text. Again, RL says, "Maybe. Thanks."

[scene where RL and LE discuss the situation, and LE asks if RL is going to call SB. RL still isn't sure.]

[Scene of texting. "Hey. It's Remus." "Hey. I was hoping you'd text. What's up?" "Not much. Just been talking to my friend Lily." "Lily, huh? Should I be jealous?" "Probably. She's pretty hot. If you're into girls." "And you're not?" "Nope." "Well then maybe I should meet her." "Are you into girls?" "Sometimes." "Fair." "I'm more into boys, though. There's this cute guy who keeps coming into the library. I'm not sure he's into me, though. Always seems like he's looking for an escape route." "Maybe if you tell me a little more about him, I can help you figure it out." "Well, he's smart and good looking, and he's going to school so he can learn to help kids." "You make him sound pretty good. I think I've seen him. Skinny as a stick? Always looks tired?" "emoji* The guy I'm thinking of is medium height, with light brown hair that he uses to hide the most gorgeous brown eyes you ever saw. Think someone like me might have a shot with a guy like that?" "Maybe. Someone like you could have a shot with a lot of guys." "*smirk emoji* You think if I invited him for a stroll down the Dewey Decimal trail next time he's at the library, he'd say yes?" "I guess you'll have to ask him when he comes in tomorrow afternoon." "I might just do that. Thanks for the advice." "No problem. Let me know how it goes." "I will. Good night." "Night."]

Next day, RL is having some second thoughts about the late night texting. Thinks he let his guard down too much, and gave Sb too much encouragement, when RL can't follow through without telling him things about his life that will probably scare SB off. SB approaches him and says, "I've got a break coming up, and a little bird told me you might take a walk with me from the reference section down to xxx." [describe layout of SPL] RL has decided that he needs to talk to SB about how he can't do this, and a walk is as good a time as any, so he packs up and follows him up the stairs to the top of the catalogue. Every now and then, they stop to "sightsee" a rare book that SB thinks is interesting. Somewhere in an empty row of biographies, RL turns to SB and says, "Listen, I really like you, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page before things went any further." "Oh. OK," says SB, looking a little disappointed. "Does this mean the rest of our walk is canceled?" "No. It doesn't have to be." "Good. So, with the understanding that this isn't a relationship, and isn't going to suddenly turn into one, would it be OK if we held hands?" "Um ... sure." SB's hands are warmer than RL's, but they are both damp and clamy with nervousness. Sb seems content for the rest of their walk, and they talk about inconsequential things. SB shows off some more books. Down at the low numbers, they find themselves in a quiet spot again, and SB turns to RL and asks softly, "So, just as friends, would it be OK if I kissed you?" RL's heart is pounding. He doesn't think he's ever kissed anyone as attractive as SB before. Certainly no one as attractive as SB has ever expressed an interest in kissing him. He nods. The kiss is very warm and pleasant, and leaves them both a little breathless. SB has to get back to work, and RL to studying, but it's hard for him to focus. He takes a pill and continues, trying not to think about SB's soft gray eyes and pink lips.

[Scene between SB and JP. SB is halfway on cloud nine because of the kiss, but disappointed that RL isn't interested in a relationship, and also that RL left the library without saying goodbye.. "If you get to kiss him anyway, then what's the big deal? He likes you. Be happy." "I dunno. I guess you're right." "Have you told him about ...?" "Not yet. I mean, it doesn't really matter unless things are going to go beyond kissing, does it? And if we only ever see each other at the library, that's not going to happen."]

[Scene between RL and LE. RL is kind of freaking out and wondering if he should have let SB kiss him like that. But it was really nice. Can't remember the last time someone kissed him that way. Tells LE about telling SB he doesn't want a realtionship. "Why not?" "Because ... I can't. I can't have a relationship with someone without telling them everything. And if I tell him everything, it's over." "You don't know that." "I do. Just ... let me have this for a little while." "You deserve to be happy, Remus." "Yeah, well, how many people actually get what they deserve?"]

[texting conversation where RL apologises for not saying goodbye before leaving the library. "Big surprise. The guy who looks like he's always going to run off ran off." "Yeah. Sorry. I kind of freaked." "It's OK. I know you'll be back. If not for me, then for the books." "Yeah." "Sorry if I came on too strong. I didn't mean to scare you off." "I didn't mind." "Are you going to start avoiding me now?" "No. I don't think so." "Well that's good. So what do you think are the chances of it happening again sometime?" "I'm not looking for a relationship, Sirius." "You said. kissing does not equal relationship. At least, it doesn't have to if you don't want it to. I enjoyed kissing you. I'd like to do it again sometime." "I liked it too." "Good."]

The next couple of weeks, RL makes as much time to visit the library as possible. He and SB kiss in many deserted rows, and SB shows him some of the library's rare book rooms, which are often empty. When RL goes to check out his books at the end of the day, SB mentions to him that he has an overdue. "Yeah. I'm not done with it yet." "I can renew it for you." "Thanks." (might need to start this part earlier in the story)

Weeks pass, and the same book is overdue again. "Still not done with it?" RL can't meet his eyes. "No." SB renews again. Next time the book is due, there's a hold on it. SB can't renew it. Library only has one copy. "Sorry; you'll have to bring it back next time." RL doesn't and doesn't and doesn't. Finally admits the book was lost. "Oh, that's too bad." says SB. Looks up the replacement value, and sucks in his breath. "Ooh, that's a pricey one, too. That sucks." Tells RL the amount. RL looks pale. No way he can afford to replace the book. He'll ask whether the library will send a notification the the address he has on file, and asks them not to, because it's his parents' address. Sb says he can update RL's mailing address. RL says no. Can't check out anymore books with a fine that large pending. RL just has to use books at the library after that, which is very inconvenient. Gets snappish when SB asks if he wants to get a coffee. Says he doesn't have time for that. He needs to use his library time to study. SB says, "Look, is it the fine? It's not a big deal. You can pay if off over time." "Yes, it's a big deal," RL hisses. "It's a very big deal to me, Sirius. I can't pay it off. Now or ever. I have student loans coming out of my ears. I don't have steady employment. I have to eat. Don't you get it? I have no money." "Well, could you borrow it from you parents?" RL winces. "No." "I could pay it for you. I don't mind." "I don't want to be in debt to you." "You wouldn't be." RL looks at him, unconvinced. "Wouldn't I? No thanks. Our relationship is unbalanced enough as it is." "I thought we didn't have a relationship." "Our -- whatever this is." Rl waves a hand between them. "I don't want you paying my way, just because you have money and I don't." "OK, then what do you suggest? Because you clearly need to check out books, and you can't right now." "I'll just study here," RL mumbles. "I'll be fine."

RL goes out and works for a few nights. Doesn't come back to the library for a few days. When he comes back, he looks tired, but he has the money in cash. "Here. That's all of it. I can take out books now, right?" "Yeah." RL's hair is hanging down to hide a bruise. SB finds him later, and asks if his parents hit him. "I thought you weren't supposed to ask patrons personal questions." "I wasn't asking as your librarian, I was asking as your friend." "Then no. It wasn't my parents."

[one-sided text conversation, a few messages from SB, asking whether everything is ok. No reply from RL.]

As finals approach, RL becomes more exhausted-looking and strained. There is no kissing happening anymore. SB is becoming more and more worried about RL. Tells him he has to take breaks. It's not good for him. Hasn't even seen him drink water since he sat down this morning. "Have you been spying on me?" "No. I've been worried about you. C'mon, at least come get some coffee. I'm buying." RL is too weak to argue, and coffee sounds lovely. He stands up, takes a few steps, sways, and starts to fall. SB catches him. "Are you OK?" "Just -- a little lightheaded." "When was the last time you ate something?" "I dunno. Yesterday?" "Fuck. I'm buying you lunch. No arguments." RL follows him meekly. SB watches him eat, like a hawk. "You look like hell. why haven't you been eating?" RL shrugs. "You need to eat to keep your strength up and keep your brain working. You want to pass your finals, don't you?" "Yeah." "So?" Rl shrugs again, looking down. "Food costs money." "You can't afford to eat?" "I can't afford to do lots of things." Sb offers to drive RL home at the end of the day. Doesn't want him fainting on the way. "I'm fine now. Thanks." SB is unconvinced. The more he pushes to drive RL home, the more defensive RL gets. SB gets exasperated. "You tell me you can't afford to eat, you won't let me see where you live, and you show up with bruises on your face. what the hell is going on, Remus? If you're in trouble, I want to help you." "Well, you can't. And I won't let you." "Will you at least tell me about it?" "If I do, you might never speak to me again." "That's ridiculous. What could possibly be that bad?" RL finally tells him about his parents kicking him out and being homeless. How he sleeps at shelters sometimes or crashes on a friend's floor, or sleeps rough. SB stares at him. "You made out with a homeless guy. Are you grossed out yet?" "No. But -- you're going to school. You're not homeless homeless. Are you?" "Yeah, I am. A lot of people have jobs and go to school and don't have a place to live. I'm trying to get out of it, but it's kind of hard." "Yeah, I bet," says SB, looking stunned. "You have no idea. You couldn't possibly." "Probably true. Won't you -- let me do something for you?" "No. I don't want your charity." "And I don't like seeing my friends suffer needlessly." "Well, there's one easy solution. You don't have to be friends with me." RL gets up and walks out.

[discussions with BFFs. Does SB tell JP? Does JP think RL was trying to shake SB down for a handout? "I don't think so. He seemed pretty adamant that he didn't want anything from me." "I can't believe you had a crush on a homeless guy." "Have." "What?" "I have a crush on a homeless guy. He's still a great guy. He's just going through some hard stuff."]

Next time RL and SB see each other, RL asks "You aren't going to try to give me anything again are you?" "No. But if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here." "Thanks," RL tells him grudgingly. RL doesn't take him up on it right away.

Eventually RL tells him about having sex with men for money, and being HIV+. Of course SB is shocked, but at the end of it, he still wants to kiss RL and does. Asks if that's why RL didn't want to have a relationship. "Pretty much." "You still don't want to?" "I dunno. Why? Do you?" "Maybe."

Maybe the happy ending is SB getting his own place, and RL graduating from CC. SB says RL can come over any time he needs to. Do SB and James get a place together? And RL brings LE to their housewarming?

[secretariatbourgeoisophobe]

i got myself tagged by @ilyatath​ and @fmlforeverwrites​ and its taken me so long to do this bc im trash but hye ho here i am!!!

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people. yeah im not even gonna get close to 20 people and i have a feeling that some of you have already done this but oh well @asharadaynes​ @tooextremeforlouisiana​ @aaron-burrsir​ @kreacherwrites​ @kryptxns​ @opalcscent​ @beccabec876​ @mynameismelodypond​ and if any of y’all who ain’t tagged wanna do this then be my guest

the last

1. drink: strawberry and kiwi squash which honestly tastes a surprising amount like nondescript punch

2. phone call: i don’t make phone calls but i guess when my auntie called last week to check one of the boxes she was storing here??????

3. text message: last general message was to an rp partner this morning lmao bc i wanted to hurt her w ship inspo

4. song you listened to: lost boy by ruth b i think????

5. time you cried: months ago idk like it could legit be 2 or 18 months ago i have no idea

6. dated someone twice: u presume me to have dated someone once

7. kissed someone and regretted it: regret can be avoided if u never do the thing in the first place

8. been cheated on: u can’t get cheated on if u never dated in the first place

9. lost someone special: as long as ghosting on friends doesn’t count then this is a hard no

10. been depressed: yeaaaahhhhh the apathy’s still w me even outside of the severe episodes

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: surprisingly enough ive never actually reached this point before even beer olympics wasnt as dicey as id expected

3 favourite colours

12. dark reds (like burgundy, maroon or crimson)

13. black like my soul

14. idek black and red or my go to faves maybe dark purples/blues??????

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yeah yeah yeah going to america kinda meant i had to lmao

16. fallen out of love: im gonna say no but this is a massive probably

17. laughed until you cried: i dont think so????? but idk maybe

18. found out someone was talking about you: nah i dont think so im too boring to be talked about

19. met someone who changed you: im gonna say yeah, im probs gonna say this a lot but going to america was hella good and it was p hard not to be changed by all the stuff over there

20. found out who your friends are: sorta yes sorta no idk let me be a cryptid in peace

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: i. have. never. been. kissed.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them i think idk i should probs clear some of those dicks out

23. do you have any pets: unfortunately no but i want a fucking cat when im older

24. do you want to change your name: not really nah. it’s basic but its mine and i kinda like it but if u use the wrong form of my name for our friendship level then i will feel uncomfy

25. what did you do for your last birthday: packed up all my shit then chilled w my friends and played mario kart

26. what time did you wake up: around 9 i think???? i dont do well w remembering shit

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: im p sure i was sorting out my inventory in da:i, idk i was deffo doing inquisition shit then

28. name something you can’t wait for: the last jedi to come out. gimme fucking force sensitive finn!!! make jedistormpilot canon u cowards!!!!!

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: an hour or so ago. she’s around and hovering and i just want her to go

31. what are you listening to right now:  the goldbergs is on in the background rn but im not actively paying attention

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i mean it felt like there were three dozen different toms back at school so yeah

33. something that is getting on your nerves: my parent’s constantly hanging around, the dread thought that my sister is coming home in around an week and i will get no peace

34. most visited website: this blue hellsite

35. hair colour: brown

36. long or short hair: it’s kinda long but it really doesn’t look like it lmao

37. do you have a crush on someone: not really?????? idk emotions are weird fucking things

38. what do you like about yourself: i mean i tend to refuse to back down on most things so i guess dedication is a way to make that sound positive??????

39. piercings: honestly i dont think i could ever get a piercing they weird me out for myself they say as they have a tattoo and are planning like half a dozen more

40. blood type: o+ which i guess is a pretty versatile type

41. nickname: no-one actually calls me this but my fave for me would just be d. the single letter by itself. and it absolutely has to be in lowercase people do also often call me dan and sometimes danny but none of them are at the right friend level and it is a Bad

42. relationship status: single as a pringle for 20 solitary years

43. zodiac: taurus. i was also born in the year of the ox so rip anyone who tries to argue w me

44. pronouns: they/them pls n thnx

45. favourite tv show: i watch like a million different shows and they are all trash but rn my fave is probs coach trip and i hate that most u have never seen it and dont know how much fun it is

46. tattoos: i got a geometric heart on my chest and im planning so many more pls message me about it so i can gush about it to someone

47. right or left handed: right like any good god-fearing person who is not influenced by the devil and witchcraft

48. surgery: ive never had surgery myself and i hope i never will (unless it’s for organ donation)

50. sport: i row, not well but to a vaguely competitive standard and i enjoy it even though my hands are llike permanently callused now

51. vacation: my last one was to boston for a week after the academic year ended but going to mexico over easter was gr9 too

52. pair of trainers: if we’re talking actual proper trainers then  ive only got one pair from decathlon but i do have some hella nice vans which i got for p cheap

GENERAL

53. eating: food is good. and not to be stereotypical but chicken is the best. esp rice and peas and chicken. also carbs. there is no such things as too much carbs. the media is lying to you

54. drinking: rum. it might be a bad thing that my first thought was to go to alcohol but idc im a mess

55. I’m about to: idk probs play some more inquisition

56. waiting for: my motivation to return from the war?????? to finish studying so i can move out of my parents’ house and steadily become the family’s queer cryptid

57. want: my parents to shut up and leave me alone. not gonna happen tho

58. get married: yes ofc i do im a fucking romantic mess bicth lemme indulge my fantasies

59. career: philosopher lmao. i get paid to sit around and bullshit all day what could be better

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: ofc hugs are better lmao they’re just like !!!!! hug me all day idc

61. lips or eyes: eyes ofc, eyes are soft and pure. gimme those fucking eyes

62. shorter or taller: honestly i love me a good height difference either way but like ideally she’d be taller but im like 6′0 on a good day and i have to keep reminding myself that’s kinda tol so taller is unlikely rip me

63. older or younger: idgaf tbh but im amongst the youngest most of the places i go so younger would be nice i guess lmao

64. nice arms or nice stomach: umm idk both are nice and give good #aesthetics but i gotta agree w ilyatath and say goodlegs are the best plus good legs basically ensure a good ass

65. hookup or relationship: i told u im a fucking romantic gimme them sweet ass relationships. make me know that im special and important to u

66. troublemaker or hesitant: honestly hesitant but if my friends are causing trouble bet ur ass imma be there tagging along

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: im p sure y’all can guess the answer to this by now lmao

68. drank hard liquor: it’s not a real drink unless there’s liquor in it

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: one time i lost a pair of glasses the same day i got them

70. turned someone down: nah this has never happened to me

71. sex on the first date: ive never kissed someone, what else do u think i haven’t done.......

73. had your heart broken: yeah no this hasn’t happened. not properly anyway. like i said, feelings are weird

74. been arrested: it’s not a crime if u dont get caught

75. cried when someone died: nah ive never been close enough to anyone i knew who died

76. fallen for a friend: sorta yes sorta no im weird feelings are odd and my life is a mess

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: i wanna say yes but kinda no my self confidence also needs to return from war

78. miracles: i wanna say i do but im not sure the universe is a fundamentaly chaotic system so i guess weird shit deffo could happen

79. love at first sight: i think some people can get it but i doubt for me and most people will probs have to work for it

80. santa claus: nah that man’s a scam

81. kiss on the first date: if u wanna kiss on the first date then fucking do it!!!!! dont let life hold u back!! dont let ur dreams be memes!!!!! u take their face anfd fucking kiss it!!!!

82. angels: eeehhhhhhhhh probs not

OTHER:

84. eye colour: brown. kinda darker brown than my hair but still brown

85. favourite movie: Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) directed by Joe Russo and Anthony Russo