#also for me specifically boyfriend/girlfriend etc just feels kind of not serious?

[exhuastedpigeon]

I never had a 'are you my boyfriend' conversation with the person I am now married to, in case anyone needs an example of how an adult relationship evolve without always clearly establishing titles.

After a couple months of dating I started referring to them as my partner because we were serious and a few months after that I got to start calling him my spouse.

[lvndrfctn]

confessions in the midst of ruminating.

It is 4 am. I can't sleep because my mind has taken some bullshit and decided to run with it. It feels like ruminating is nearly impossible to stop, if you know the secret, please tell me.

I have a confession.

I have nowhere else to put this right now. I haven't had therapy yet which I know would/will help. But I did the thing not even your friends can make you feel better about.

Something I have deeply internalized is that I am not and have never been wanted by a person that is actually romantically available. I've been here, ruminating about everything I've done wrong this entire week because I have been triggered by my own actions. It feels as though this revolved around my interactions with men, more specifically.

I've been in so many--more than healthy ones--situations where men who are not available are interested in me or they are not appropriate for me to be romantic with (most of which were not my fault or idea, i.e., coercion, etc,. etc) and to my utter disgust and disappointment in myself as someone who has had SO much therapy; I still deeply operate in my wounded self. A lot, unfortunately. This happens to be the area I have done the least amount of emotional work on.

It's embarrassing. And it is like the cardinal sin, like driving drunk; you do not knowingly flirt with someone who has a monogamous partner I know this, of course, and it is deeply misaligned with who I am, truly. Is this really the worst thing someone can do? And why does the villain always end up being the single person in the situation; can men not hold any accountability here? I mean. I know better. But in this moment I need to place some blame somewhere else, too.

I am disappointed and embarrassed for a few reasons. In myself and the other person. First, if this person were actually available to me, I wouldn't want them. This stings, and is not kind, but the thrill comes from gaining attention from someone who can't have me in good conscience. I like getting attention in "bad" and/or inappropriate ways from deeply unavailable people. I feel an immense sense of power by successfully pulling a man that cannot have me, because of whatever reason. Usually that they have a girlfriend. But not just anyone, they are always someone who I feel in some way I have superior over. They cannot have me either way, and I feel so deeply undesirable to men that are readily available and single. My deepest and darkest insecurity is that no one will ever want me. That all I will know is loneliness; that relationships come easily and without effort for almost everyone. Everyone but me. The power is intoxicating in itself, just knowing that I could if I wanted to, regardless of the people it will hurt. Their partner, them, me. in the moment I just don't care. I know exactly how to manipulate the situation to go in my favor, where I can tell I have them thinking about me.

Second; the idea that I am being perceived as messy, out of control, and acting IN character--seriously destroys me. Because we can understand human actions as long as it does not interrupt monogamy. I can think of countless times, because of my past experiences being manipulated by men, that I have haphazardly flirted with men who have partners. I mean really, like there really are some women you should keep your boyfriends far away from.

This has nothing to do with them at all... but it does cause harm and it is why these actions feel so egregious. It also really hurts knowing I am wrong. Accepting that I did something Bad. There are countless times when men have harmed me in very serious ways, without a second thought and without rumination in guilt for my wellbeing. I try to use this knowledge to justify my actions in my mind; like, if he cannot strongly stand in his fidelity then this is not my problem. Maybe in some way, it isn't, but is it not my problem knowing my consciousness is not at ease and that I am not in alignment with my higher self? Comparing my misdeeds to that of these men is obsolete. They could never be as Bad; and yet, I know better and most of the time do better. What this tells me is that there are knee-jerk reactions from wounds I have from being groomed, raped, abused, and manipulated. Actions that could actually really cause harm to another person. I flirted with this person while their partner was in the room with us at a party--HIS party and I genuinely felt pleasure from that. What the fuck? Like that realization feels AWFUL. Does it make me a terrible person? NO. It really doesn't. There is no Good and Bad, there is only human and I am human, and I know better, therefore this cannot happen again or I will be continually operating from my wounded self in romantic situations.

The real honest to god TRUTH is that if this person could ever be with me, I would be repulsed. The Ick would be too real to process and if he ever actually confessed feelings for me I would absolutely. 100% reject them, and that doesn't feel good, but it does. In some ways. It's just the power. And again, sex is all about power. Even for women, sometimes. I am not all good. I manipulate situations to get what I want and I do know that. I disregard people's feelings because in some scenarios it makes me feel better. I do not have permission to harm other people because I was abused.

It can be the reason I do it. It can be WHY I do it and how it is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it is the first way I respond in situations where that door has been obviously opened for me to walk through.

It is punishment and revenge all in one. Punishment for me later and revenge against an abstract group of men that I have felt rejected or abused by time and time again.

Men so flamboyantly manipulate and harm women that it is brushed off and normalized; when I do it, I am committing a capital crime. I am breaking the code every woman knows is actually the Bad thing. Really, the single woman is the biggest criminal in society and we are punished with a heaping spoonful of distaste and distrust from everyone. "Why aren't you married," a complete stranger asks while I am at my job. How am I supposed to answer that? No one has wanted me enough to propose? I have never been secure enough in myself to realize I am the one with the options and not the other way around?

How can people see me be messy? How can I live with that? Is there a way to stop rumination if you were the person to cause the harm?

I feel like the other party would want me punished and so I oblige without them saying so. I won't eat or sleep or find relaxation until I grovel and apologize and sympathize, and vow to never drink with friends at a bar again. Actually, forbid myself from having friends for a while. My thoughts say, "This feeling won't go away, and that is good because you deserve to feel this way because my messy was visible to other people and there is no way to externalize accountability, so my rumination for a few days or a few weeks will be a worthy enough self-punishment. Self-flagellation is the only way to progress in healing from this."

Because I did this; committed the ultimate single woman crime, I won't find love of my own, where I am the center of it, because what goes around comes around. If I fall in love, that person will cheat on me, as punishment. You can never trust anyone anyway, because the very act of you trusting someone with your heart will inherently cause the domino effects of karma for your misdeeds. Is that enough punishment?

If a friend were to confide in me about something like this, how would I respond? With compassion and care? Would I tell them to apologize to the person they flirted with? I don't agree with the last answer though; I am not sure it is something that needs to be conspired about with the other person. As long as they are not confessing their feelings and deciding to leave their current partner--this is shit we need to deal with on our own.

I would tell them that first and foremost, they are not a bad person--at all. I would say, this is an amazing and telling trigger of theirs. Something about that kind of power triggers a response from a past situation where they had no power. I'd say, evaluate this emotionally not just intellectually- you know it's bad in your rational mind, but your behavior was involuntary, and continues to be, so how can you figure out a way to deal with this in your body rather than intellectually or externally?

I would tell them, it is the trigger they need to deeply evaluate, but there is no amount of self-harm/abuse that can take away what has already happened. Maybe reevaluate the situations you put yourself in with the person you are currently attached to who is inappropriate. You've done this with your ex-boyfriend, co-workers, random guys you know from around town, and now within a new friend group. Although it might not be a bad idea to step away from the friend group for a time, or only hang out with them in safer settings, it should not come from a place of punishment and rather a place of care for yourself; maybe those spaces aren't currently safe for your triggers.

It is true though. People who are not supposed to be interested in me always are. It seems as though, I am ONLY desirable when I am not actually a full participant in the wanting. I don't know really what it is about me that screams "Please take advantage of my vulnerability in this area" and how men who will abuse my kindness and affection can somehow sniff it out in me--I am expressive and do wear my heart on my sleeve at times. I can be flirty, or at least can be perceived as such because of my demeanor.

I am also just now realizing how beautiful I am. Like, not in a cute, inspiring way; in the way that I am incredibly hot. Like more than average beautiful, and I think men love to bring really beautiful women down with them. They feel this exhilaration from humbling very intelligent, beautiful, and emotionally developed women; while at the same time truly believing they are stupid and unable to see what is happening to them and the manipulation being thrust upon them by someone who is not even worth breathing the same air as them. I have been at a true disadvantage because, for most of my life, I have listened to the men that wanted to humble me. It worked for a REALLY long time. It still does sometimes because there are a lot of instances where my self-love and belief in my actual beauty have conditions for me to acknowledge.

This feels disturbing because as I'm writing this it feels wrong to say how beautiful I actually am. I can feel so confident and feel myself in real-time making myself smaller just in case everything I am intimidated by someone or makes them examine themselves critically or harshly. In more informal spaces, what I'm used to, i.e., conversations with Ph.D. candidates, people living in New York with my dream job, people with incredibly prestigious educational backgrounds--spaces where I FEEL less than; compared to where I am now, with people who I am not putting on a pedestal. Where I am able to experiment more with my social interactions.

I compulsively watch reactions from people in social situations by acting and responding differently each time. Based on their reactions I can understand what is safe behavior around this specific group of people. I feel so much safer knowing I can mitigate embarrassment or being misunderstood if I can foresee reactions based on how I respond differently. I do this all the time, and frankly, it is exhausting. But this is how I keep myself safe in big groups of people. I can almost instantaneously mimick senses of humor, common phrases in a group, which dynamics are closer or more comfortable when dynamics change based on a new person joining an interaction, if someone feels uncomfortable, or if they are enjoying the interaction when someone is bored with the conversation or they are acknowledging to themselves that someone (or few people) are taking up too much space in conversation (I experiment more with this one because I was chronically interrupted most of my life--for the longest time I couldn't finish a sentence or thought verbally to someone because I was simply waiting for them to interrupt me and then they are confused or I assume, think I'm stupid because there wasn't substance to the musing or idea because I didn't know how to finish my thought) if there is some sort of scapegoat or someone who is typically the butt of the joke versus the person in the group who is dominant or most popular. I also respond differently if I can feel that someone needs more support within a group dynamic; I will often interrupt the dominant person who has interrupted a more submissive person within the conversation to bolster or further consider their idea instead of the person who has taken up the most space in an entire interaction (big or small group). If there is a situation in which one group of people within a larger group has maybe unintentionally left people out, I will start a different activity with them, or act very enthusiastic about OUR interaction because it might feel bad to be on the outside.

I know this takes a lot of psychic work that I do not actually have, and a lot of assumptions about how people feel based on how I've felt in social situations in the past... but if I can act as this bridge in interactions, I will. I am the same way in classes, with group projects. I have noticed that no one feels interested (most of the time) until someone brings enough enthusiasm for everyone to start out with. I think it is because I have ALWAYS been a participator, initiator, and encourager, includer because these are all things I've felt I lack socially. I have felt that very few people want to be the person that has to draw others in intentionally for fear that they will be the ones who are made to look stupid or are publicly ridiculed, and these are about the only instances where I will put myself in a more unsafe situation to further social interactions.

The worst moments in my life have been those where I was made to feel excluded in situations where a group of people was still operating at a high school clique level. At the time, I didn't know this was an immature way to interact with others and that it was everyone feeling as though they will be socially scrutinized. In the past, even if someone told me this, I wouldn't have believed them.

All of this to say; I have really underestimated my power socially because I didn't realize the space I actually take up in them and the way I LOOK to other people and how that might make them feel upon first interacting with me. There was no possible way for me to embody that because I was so incessantly beaten down by people who knew that and wanted to take advantage of it--literal adult bullies exist and they can sniff out insecurity and trauma in anyone, and they WILL use public humiliation and abuse tactics to tear someone truly powerful down.

So when I can misuse that power to fill that very specific gaping romantic wound, I will. Or at least, I did. I hate it and I do not feel good about it. But there is no good/bad scenario that could ever describe the complexity of our/my actions. It disturbs me that I can't share this anywhere else, but maybe, that is a good thing. Not everyone needs to know everything about you.

I did open that can of worms with three people and I regret it now. I want to internalize and embody the truth that no one knows anything about you until you tell them or show them. People can talk about you. They can hear gossip and use their own discretion on how to base their opinion of you, but they don't actually know you or care at all until you've (maybe unnecessarily) pointed out the flaw you feel they need to know to better understand your growth. That is great and all, but sometimes mistakes deserve to stay between you and your therapist. It is actually a thing to reserve certain information for people who have shown you over time that they are trustworthy and love you enough to give you earned benefit of the doubt.

It can feel murky when trusted people aren't available. I think the romantic need to Take has been intensified by the fact that I feel like so many of my close friends have been taken from me by their serious relationships. I feel that we are all doomed to a nuclear structure even if theoretically we don't agree or believe in it. I worry that I cannot have a serious relationship like this because If i were to ask, "is this the dream?" It couldn't be a hell yes. I don't dream of having children of my own but I do dream of spoiling and spending tons of time with my friend's kids, offering real help and not symbolic help. I want to live close enough to be there for an emergency. To drip them off or pick them up from school because my friend just really needs some time to themselves. To offer my time, so we can all be a little wealthier in time--so it is more evenly spread across communities. I am so deeply terrified of feeling stuck with the same person because I am always alone with my partner. I remember feeling this way the one and only time I was in a serious relationship and deeply in love with him; I remember so desperately needing meaningful time away, knowing the relationship was not in any way over and didn't need to be. So what does this mean for a LIFE long commitment? To commit to building a family and owning property between just two people? While in turn committing to unlearn everything I read about community care and mutual aid, building neighborhoods, and making space for the typical black sheep of heteropatriarchy, i.e., childless people, queer, polyamorous, single, aromantic, and disabled people?

I struggle with this more deeply as I feel more isolated from those who I consider peers. Everyone else's priorities are so different than my own. I think externally, it looks like I haven't accomplished much. I am a single woman, I don't own property, I am childless, and I don't have a thriving career in whatever, and I have not yet gone viral on the internet for any great wisdom I've shared or life-changing art, but the work I have done is monumental and if I am alone, who can see it? Was it worth the work? Did I spend years of therapy learning to do more than merely keep my body alive only to be pushed further out of "community?" These are the things that haunt me and push me further from my "hell yes" because these aren't things I can produce on my own. I've done so much of my life in isolation, it is hard to imagine how much longer I can go on doing it.

AND YET, I do feel good right now. So when I act out of alignment with my healed self (high self, whatever) it is shocking but telling. Of course, it is my unconscious self communicating to the parts of me that do the unlearning. I have to further excavate those wounds and actually move on from my abusers, no matter how deeply ingrained their actions are in my body. Somatically, I have a lot of work to do. I am trying to move more, and do actions and activities that require mind/body communication, but it's difficult to pursue alone (and without that kind of therapy). I also realize my privilege in having the time to dedicate to this kind of inner work.

I wonder if at some point, if and when I do have a serious relationship, I will be eating my words. OR if I'm lucky, I'll be with someone who wants to build a life like this.

I have dreams for a location for us, but it doesn't matter where we are if we are building together. I have to open myself up to everything while not holding on too tight to the people I already have. I can hold them close, but I need to learn to let them be if that is what they need. In my idealized mind, we have the capacity for friendship, too. Not in a distant way, but where it is wholly appreciated way. It should be just as sacred as our romantic attachments. I don't exactly know what I'm talking about but it seems as though, the people around me have lost themselves in their partners. As a chronically single person, I have no way of even sympathizing with this because even these scenarios are theoretical, given that we can never foresee how we will act when they come up in our lives. I'm sure I'll be reading this someday, kicking myself for being so judgemental. I don't know. OF COURSE I don't know.

The bottom line is, I am SO TIRED OF BEING ALONE. I'M SO TIRED OF HEARING OTHER PEOPLE TALK ABOUT BEING LONELY AND YET WE LIVE IN A TIME WHERE IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT. I can blame the nuclear structure all I want, but the intersections in capitalism are never-ending. Our lives are a product of it and it is hard to have the capacity for everything I've talked about living in our current hellscape. I have TIME privilege. A family that took me back in, at home, without conditions. So many don't have that and never had the option. I can imagine how that must feel to others. I have no space to feel bitter.

In the grand scheme of things, my petty actions from my trauma are small potatoes. This is such a small blip in my life and everyone else's.

Small potatoes. This keeps running around in my head, with any worry or inconvenience. I worry about how I complained too much at work- small potatoes. I "failed" a social interaction? Small potatoes. I'm worried someone is choosing to misunderstand the very information I've written here, as I write it, despite my deep desire to be understood? Still small, in that if I want to share it and they don't like it, or hate how I write, or feel it was necessary to share, fuck them. Seriously, fuck them. Life is too damn short to act super-human.

Writers divulge too much personal information for their jobs. That is something I haven't fully been able to wrap my head around, either. Everything I've read and have felt less alone after reading was a product of another beautiful person making a very brave decision to share, despite the inevitable judgment, positive or negative.

I keep forgetting I'm allowed to write about things other than my ruminations and insecurities. Or even intellectual subjects, but also artistically. I also want to challenge myself to self-lead journalistic projects. To even see if it is a style of writing I enjoy.

Okay. Back to this dude. He isn't attractive enough for me. Nor is he athletic, and he doesn't have good style. I've heard countless times what happens in situations where a woman is so far out of man's league, i.e., he forgets what the fuck he looks like. I am thinking about this because I am truly worried he thinks this might mean something. I hope for the love of god it never comes up again. For everyone else, it's maybe, wow... they flirt too much and it's kind of weird; and NOW it won't happen again. Now that I am hyperaware I can delineate these actions from a deep abandonment/romantic attachment wound--we can move on. Similar to a recent scenario with another man. My abandonment wound was triggered so heavily by a man that didn't have more clothing than one (1) clothes hamper, he owned (1) pillow, and he refused to put sheets on the bed when I drove 2 hours to spend a few days with him because "he didn't have time to wash them, and his backup sheets had a blood stain on them" and the night before I visited he most likely stayed the night with the girl he made me hang out with for 5 hours after I drove there to have a date with him. LIKE--this needs to be examined. This is my job now. This is the work that has been overlooked because it wasn't relevant until now.

It is only in these situations where I act totally and completely out of character, and it has nothing to do with bipolar disorder.

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: June 6th, 2021

I’m back with more ask responses! You can also check our Frequently Asked Question sheet if there’s something you’re wondering that’s not answered here.

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Thank you for the patience with these questions  ♡

Hey in very beginning of step 3 in the scene where Mr.Holden had a thought dancing on the tip of his tongue but he kept it to himself after MC and Cove were being cute (idk if it makes a difference but this is when they're dating)... Can we know what he was thinking/ wanted to say? It's been bugging me lol 

He would’ve gone into a “look how much you’ve grown”, “your dad is so proud of you”, “I’m so glad things worked out with the MC”, and etc spiel, haha. But he resisted the urge to fawn on his baby boy, at least for that scene.

If we planned to move away for college/future plans in step 3, is it implied that MC and Cove would have a long distance relationship for sure? Could MC have convinced Cove to come with them? How is the dynamic of their relationship going to be addressed in Step 4, if that makes sense? 

Cove is willing to follow the MC where they went after everything is settled for them there, and if they’re sure they want him to come! You’ll get to decide how things shook out during those transitional years just by making choices about it during the opening prologue of Step 4.

Hi! First off, how does it feel to have created one of the best games when it comes to inclusion for lbtq+ peeps? I've never felt as validated with my identity and sexuality when playing a game and I'm seemingly not alone ♥ Second, and this might be a little too specific, but what kinds of drinks does Cove like as well as dislike? Thank you, you're the best ♥

Thank you for very much! It’s really nice to hear the game felt inclusive. Cove likes regular water and fruit juices/smoothies most! He dislikes coffee and cola, and he’s not super into most teas either.

Hi, may i ask what gb patch stands for? Specifically the gb part lol

It stands for my old, silly username I used in places like Neopets as a kid, aha. The company name wasn’t super thought out since it was originally just me making VNs as a hobby. Luckily, “GB Patch” kind of seems like it could mean something reasonable, so I didn’t have to rebrand when it did become a more serious, commercial group.

If we chose to not propose to cove in the step 3 dlc would he propose or would the mc propose in step 4 or the wedding dlc? 

Yeah, you or Cove can propose in Step 4 if you’re not already engaged! The Wedding DLC takes place after the engagement so the proposal scenes aren’t there.

will you guys announce if the early access for the new game is out on patreon ? 

When beta builds of Step 4 or whatever start coming out on the Patreon we will mention it here on social media too.

Heyy I just had a quick question about Baxter if that’s okay :)?

I saw in an ask+answer that it’s possible to casually date Baxter In step 3, but what leads up to that? I have the step 3 dlc and I’ve tried playing them In a different orders and ways but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere ^^;

The Step 3 DLC is Cove-based because he’s the default guy. There’s a separate Baxter romance DLC that’s not out yet. That’s where you can get him to date you. I’m sorry for the confusion!

Will we ever get any LI's or side characters with physical disabilities or deformities? I think your games would be a great place to have them in since they're always so accepting and safe! 

Yeah, we do hope to have representation for that in future projects ^^. Thank you for the confidence in us.

Is it possible to get Cove to take the bed and MC to sleep on the floor? 

Not in Step 3, I’m afraid.

So, I have played the prologue of Our Life countless times and I haven't gotten the [Your Life] achievement, why is that? 

Steam sometimes isn’t connected properly when an achievement unlocks and so it remains locked on your account. If that happens, unfortunately getting the scene again won’t unlock it. The achievement becomes inaccessible because the game thinks you already have it. Playing with the same Steam account on a different device or fully deleting your game data (more than the only the save files) are the only work arounds we’ve found.

Since when you talk with Jeremy in step 3 it's mentioned he goes on dates with someone (which assume is JB because who else would take this boy on dates) that makes him happy, does that sort of make JB and Jeremy the canon relationship in the first game?

The default for XOXO Droplets is that JB casually goes on dates with each of the jerks! Shiloh would’ve been harsher if Jeremy was the only guy getting her attention, haha. But the player can change that default by dating just one person the whole game for their own story and who she ends up with for real has no default.

Hi, hello! Huge OL fan, thank you so much for the wholesome content, it was very much needed during these times. Managed to get several people to join team Cove, so that's very exciting, I always have people to fawn over him with. I have a little question and I'm sorry if it was asked before, but does it ever come up in the game what Cove has told his mom about us? (who knows, with so many options, one can miss it) Or, alternatively, will it come up in the Step 4 DLC? 

Thank you very much for sharing the game with people <3. It’s really great to hear people are liking it. Right now that doesn’t come up in game. Kyra is willing to keep her mouth shut and Cove isn’t gonna have that conversation either. At least not when he’s younger, but yes, perhaps when he’s a fully grown big boy in Step 4 you can ask him about it.

I’ve been thinking about this ever since it has been confirmed that there would be two love interests for OL2, would there be the possibility of forming a polyamorous relationship with both love interests? I’m sorry if you answered this previously, I’m just curious. 

We are considering it, but it’s not a guarantee yet. It’d be really great to have but it’d add so many extra alterations that’d need to made, aha.

Hello! You mentioned how Cove would be uncomfortable with kids at 23, but how old would he be when he’s comfortable with having/adopting kids? (Same goes for the other LI’s.) btw, love your game!! 

He’d want to be at least 25, but even older would be good. Derek would want to have kids when he and his partner could reasonably support them, the age itself wouldn’t matter. If they were doing good at 22 and wanted kids, he’d be up for it. Or they could wait until their 30s or whatever. Baxter is also more of a “when it feels right” guy rather than having a specific age requirement. Cove is just especially wary of being a young parent because of his own parents. I’m happy you like the game!

does step 4 immediately play after you press "end summer" in step 3? or is there another button/transition (like the story text thingy) before the epilogue begins? what happens after the epilogue? roll credits? 😂 

Step 4 will have transition section always and there will be an extra button, if you own the Derek or Baxter DLC. By default the Cove-based version of Step 4 just plays once Step 3 is over. However, having the other guys’ storylines will mean you get to pick which version of Step 4 plays; Cove Step 4 (the basic one), Derek Step 4, or Baxter Step 4.

Happy pride, thank you for all you do for us🥰

I have a quick question though, I recently got a MacBook after my old windows computer broke, and now steam says I cannot download it, but it has no issues with other games, what can I do to download it?? I’m sorry if my English is bad

Happy pride month! Unfortunately, Our Life isn’t available for Mac on Steam right now. To be an approval application Apple requires having special notarization and we as a small group haven’t gotten that. Itch doesn’t care and lets us release the game for Mac there anyway, Steam does care so we’re locked out of putting the Mac build up on their storefront. Feel free to email us and we can try to help the situation out further!

support@gbpatchgames.com

Hello! I was jus wondering if the Baxter and Derek DLCs are still happening? I haven’t heard anything about them on here or patreon in a while so I just wanted to make sure ^^

They’re still coming and we just released a new sprite sketch on the Patreon for the Derek DLC c:. But right now Step 4 is still much more of a priority. Once that’s closer to being done we’ll focus way more on sharing previews for the other guys.

is it possible to tell cove you love him (platonically) at step 3 fondness/selecting him as basically family? i just love the mc and liz sibling interactions and it got me wondering about it (especially if you've selected that option)

You and Cove can be as close as family, but there’s not a specific scene in Step 3 where you say “I love you” in a family context. But there’s always Step 4~

do you intend on ever adding a collectors mode to Our Life? Like a way to collect achievements and CGs for the gallery without it effecting any save files? 

We weren’t considering it before. But if a lot of players would find that helpful, we could start thinking on that!

Sorry if it's a silly question haha, but (in crush/love) is Cove really aware of how cute and cuddly he seems to MC? If so, what does he think or do about it? Or does he just ignore it? 

He isn’t particular aware. Cove never truly stops being surprised that the MC is interested in/attracted to him, haha.

Would you say that the alone ending of xoxo droplets is worth playing again to get? 

Nope, haha. The goal is to make friends/get a boyfriend and so the alone ending is kind of the bad ending for the game. Though there is a consolation prize if you get it by accident.

Is there any possible situation which would ever prompt Pran to bake for his girlfriend? Like I know it's unlikely I mean even if JB broke her leg somehow I'm pretty sure he'd still be like "I considered baking you a cake and doing the frosting the way I think looks interesting but you don't deserve a cake, no one does." right but also ahhh it would be super nice if some day he just surprised her with baked goods one day out of nowhere. JB would be so shocked it would be cute. So is there any possible situation where that could/would be a thing that he would do? 

He might bake out of spite, like if he felt he had to prove her wrong on something. Or if JB used some good reverse psychology on him. Or he might do it in a relatively nice way if he could make his GF so shocked by the kind gesture that his amusement with that overrode his insistence on not being sweet. Pran is very difficult in high school, aha.

Is the "one route (where) it can be seen that Everett will drop his seemingly eternal waging with Jeremy pretty easily and can start getting along without thinking much on it" the Lucas route? I'm curious! 

Yep! Everett will side with Jeremy if it’s between him and Lucas.

Hi I hope you guys are having a great day :) I just had to ask how Cliff would feel about Cove's partner/fiancé Mc calling them dad whether it be accidental or otherwise and secondly I also wanted to ask how he would feel about being asked to be the one to give the mc away at their wedding. 

He would be very touched and excited! I hope you have a good day too :D

Hello! I saw an ask relating to whether Cliff "moves on" after Cove's grown up and stuff (and he stays single), but what about Kyra? Will she be with anyone else or will she stay single? 

She does start dating again, but she takes it slow.

Hi! I absolutely love the art for characters in OL and I wonder is this fine to draw my MC in same drawing style and upload online later? Is this something artists would be okay with? Thank you! 

Yeah, you can certainly do that C:

Hey there!

I wonder if I'm just being stupid here.. Is Step 4 a DLC? And if so, where can I find it? I can't seem to find it on Steam :< Thank you!

Step 4 is a free epilogue! It’s not done yet, but once it is finished you’ll just update your game file and Step 4 will be there after Step 3 ends.

hi! are step 4 and the wedding dlc two different things?

They are. Step 4 is a free epilogue that’ll be a default part of the game once it’s done, the wedding DLC is an optional paid expansion that takes place after Step 4.

Why did Baxter not receive a step 2 sprite seeing how he shows up later

Sprites are time consuming to draw and take money out of the budget that could’ve gone to other things. His tiny appearance in Step 2 wasn’t worth all the effort to make a sprite, aha.

I just realized, what happens if if you get the patreon exclusive moment but at a later date, when you don't have the membership anymore, it's updated (like a bugs fix update for example)? Would you have to get the membership again? 

You would have to get the membership again to redownload the build. But there’s very little chance there’s going to be an update once it’s been out for over a month. If a build gets released with errors, players catch/report them within the first few days. So by the time the first subscription period ends, any problems that were noticeable would already have been fixed. And we’re certainly not gonna be adding new content to it once it’s been released for a long time. There’s no need to worry about missing out on something worthwhile in the future if you cancel your membership. It’s being made with the idea in mind that many players are gonna be getting it and then going.

Hello! Wanted to ask about gaming choice in step 3? Once upon a playthorugh I got the option to buy Cove a bracelet for his graduation present. I played the same basic character again and that option wasn't there anymore. I'm not sure where I went wrong. My Cove wears a bracelet on each hand and my MC is into fashion and jewelry. Do I need to put an earring on him or? Sorry, love your game so much. 

He also needs to have liked bracelets in Step 2 for that to be considered a good gift option for him. Sorry for the confusion! I’m happy you love the game :)

Is Step 4 being released at the same time as the Wedding DLC or will the first come before the latter? Thank you! 

I’m not sure. Ideally they’ll come out at the same time, but the wedding DLC has a lot of art to get done and we may have to release it after Step 4.

Can mc still get confession from Cove at the end of step 3 even if mc casually dates Baxter in step 3? Such as in crush mode? 

I don’t think so. Maybe that’ll change, but generally there’s differences to the Step 3 ending if you were dating Baxter and those differences likely will conflict with getting the Cove confession.

For the patreon moments/dlcs, will it be available for all tiers? 

It’ll be available for tier 2 (Fans) and up!

[hazel-light]

Chapter Word Count: ~7,400

Total Fic Word Count: ~30,000

Genre: (Wedding) Fake Dating, Friends to Lovers, lots of bed sharing and every self indulgent fluffy trope possible.

Warnings: None? Lots of fluff? Occasional cussing? Some suggestive themes, moments, and jokes I guess. No smut or anything!

Disclaimer: I am not Daniel Sharman, and I do not pretend to know how he would act, speak, etc. This is fiction okay, there’s a lot of creative license, and potential to be OOC. Ricky isn’t mentioned because I started writing this before we knew he existed, so apologies for that. Also, if you’re DShar himself, please do us both a favor and don’t read this, okay???? Same if you know him 🙈

Title taken from the song Yellow Lights by Harry Hudson which suits this story quite a bit!

A/N: You thought I'd skip all the possibilities and tropes that come with the holidays?! Of course not. This is the final part to Yellow Lights. Thank you all for making my return to writing and posting so wonderful. I am so, so, grateful. I hope the ending lives up to your expectations. <3

The next month and a half passes by uneventfully. I try not to spend all of my time thinking about how great Rachel's wedding was, and equally try to ignore the wistful feeling Henry’s wedding left me with. Having Daniel be my fake boyfriend in front of my family showed me everything that I’d ever wanted; someone who fit in seamlessly, who loved me for me, with the perfect balance of romance and friendship. Whatever crush I had successfully buried when Daniel and I first met is now achingly hard to avoid. I curse my active imagination and optimism for letting me indulge in the moments of pretend, leaning too comfortably into our façade.

As a result, I don’t talk to Daniel much. He is busy finishing filming his project in London, and I try to focus on my life in LA. I’ve become paranoid that every text I send him is one too many, too annoying, or too bothersome. I figure I can reassess things when Daniel comes home from filming, and try to find my footing in our friendship again.

This seems like a solid plan until I’m on Zoom with my family for Thanksgiving. Since I’ve already flown back once this year for the wedding, and I’m planning to fly back again next month for Christmas, staying put for Thanksgiving was the economical choice. The call is mostly uneventful until the subject of Daniel comes up.

“Where’s that boy?” Aunt Judith crows from her spot at the dining table.

“Hmm?” I ask.

“She means Daniel.” Ryan rolls his eyes, bringing the iPad closer to her.

“Oh! Right.” I try to recover. “He’s still away filming his new project, actually, but I was able to fly out to see him at the end of September for another wedding, actually.”

Aunt Judith frowns. “That’s a long time to not see someone that handsome—” I start to laugh, “Are you sure he’s not cheating on you?”

Oh shit. It’s in this moment that I realize Daniel and I had never “broken up” as far as my family knows. I hear the rest of my family start sputtering in the background.

“Aunt Judith— you can’t just—”

“That’s awful, I—”

“It is kind of a long time, huh?—”

I try to keep a straight face. “Guys! It’s okay. He’s an actor, it comes with the territory. I expected this.”

“So you aren’t sure that he’s not cheating on you?” Ryan frowns.

“That isn’t what I meant, Ry. Daniel and I are fine. We’re really good, actually.”

“Well I certainly hope you’ll be bringing him home for Christmas then.” Aunt Judith huffs.

“It would be nice to see him,” Rachel speaks up for the first time, and her husband Nick nods. “I didn’t get to talk to him a whole lot at the wedding.”

I clear my throat, my mind racing. “You know, we haven’t actually talked about what we’re doing for Christmas yet; I’ll have to see what he’s doing— if he’s going to spend it with his family.”

“But you’re still coming home,” Ryan states.

“Yes, I am still coming home, no matter what.”

Ryan and Rachel’s mom, my auntie Kim speaks up. “I think it’s pretty common for a boyfriend to defer to his girlfriend’s family for the holidays. I mean, Ryan splits the day with Katharine of course, but Nick always came here with Rachel.”

“I hear you, Auntie Kim, but Daniel never gets to see his family so I’m not sure— all I’m saying is I’m not sure. He may very well come, and I will let you all know as soon as I know.” I smile tersely.

“Well hurry up, and find out,” Auntie Kim chastises. “Christmas is only a month away.”

When I hang up with them, it’s 7pm and I’m feeling antsy. How could I have forgotten that my entire family still thought Daniel and I were together? I’m not sure how to get out of this one. Tired of panicking alone in my head, I pick up my phone and dial Daniel before I can talk myself out of it. It rings and rings, and my anxiety that he won’t answer grows with each tone.

Eventually I hear rustling on the other line.

“Lauren?” Daniel’s voice crackles through the phone.

“Hi.”

“Are you alright?”

“What? Uh— yeah, I just needed to talk to you about something—” I glance at the time on my phone. “Oh god, no. What time is it there? I’m so sorry— I didn’t even stop to think about the time difference, I—”

I hear him suppress a yawn. “Lauren. It must be pretty important if you’re calling me AND rambling like this.”

“No, no, it can wait, I’m sorry— uh, go back to bed. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“Lauren,” he stops me softly and firmly. “Stop apologizing. What’s going on?”

I sit quietly, feeling like an absolute idiot.

“Lauren, come on. You can tell me.”

“I— we… we never broke up?”

He laughs. “Sorry, what?”

“We never broke up.”

“Am I still asleep, is this a dream?”

“My family still thinks we’re together and they asked me if you’re coming home for Christmas.”

We’re both quiet for a moment.

“Oh.” is all he says.

“I talked to them for Thanksgiving, and they were asking about you. I realized too late that they thought we were still together— because I never told them we broke up. I didn’t think it through this far.”

“Right, I didn’t either.”

My phone starts ringing, telling me Daniel’s trying to FaceTime me.

I accept, and I’m faced with a dark screen.

“Why are we FaceTiming?”

I hear a lamp click on and suddenly Daniel’s face is illuminated as he lays in bed, lines from his pillow still on his face.

“Figured we should at least be able to see each other if you’re going to break up with me in the middle of the night,” he teases.

I shake my head. “Not funny, this is serious, D.”

“I know, I know.”

“If I break up with you, they’re going to yell at me and tell me I’m a stupid idiot.”

Daniel laughs.

“And if you break up with me they’re going to hate you, which means they’ll hate that we managed to ‘stay friends.’ And if it’s mutual…..” I shake my head, thinking. “They’ll think we were lying.”

“Which we were.”

I sigh, “Which we were.”

“So,” Daniel pulls his blanket up higher. “What are our options here?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I called you.”

I watch him stare off into space and reminisce about when I got to see this sleepy Daniel firsthand in Cape Cod.

“I could come for Christmas…” he trails off and I frown.

“That seems like asking a lot. You’ve already given up a lot of your free time this year for me.”

He shrugs into his pillow. “Do you not want me to come for Christmas?”

I pause. “I mean, that isn’t really the issue here. You have to be tired of being in love with me by now.”

He laughs loudly — a stark contrast to the quiet of his room. “Yes, being in love with you is very exhausting.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I’m kidding. Being in love with you is not exhausting. At all.”

I roll my eyes and say nothing. “I don’t think I can bear to break your family’s hearts at Christmas of all times.”

“Man of the year.” I drawl. “What are you supposed to be doing for Christmas? Going home?”

“No, usually I travel somewhere, but I hadn't decided yet.”

I hum in response.

“Kind of leaning towards traveling to Massachusetts now, if I’m honest.”

I look at him incredulously, only to see a playful grin on his face, but I know he’s serious.

“I’m not going to stop you if you really want to come. But I—” I swallow. “Eventually we’re going to need to plan for whatever happens after Christmas.”

He nods. “I know, we will. Let’s just enjoy Christmas together, first.”

I smile. “Okay. We can enjoy it. Together.”

He clears his throat. “I hope I’m not too rusty at this boyfriend performance, it’s been a few months.”

“Daniel Sharman has performance issues… I hope that doesn’t get out to the press.”

His eyes flash. “Bold, for you.”

I shrug. “You walked into that one, baby.”

“Well, you’re lucky you’re cute, darling.”

We look at each other for a moment, and I hope my eyes don’t give away how fond I am for this man who is willing to commit to fake-loving me, and putting up with my family, and who is setting the bar way too high for any actual real relationship I could hope for.

So much for reburying my feelings.

I break eye contact first. “I’ll let you get back to sleep. Sorry again for waking you up.”

“Do Not Disturb doesn’t apply to you, Lauren. Call any time.”

I smile softly. “Sweet dreams, I’ll text you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight.”

—-

I’m standing in the Boston Logan airport waiting for international arrivals; specifically Daniel’s flight from London. According to the board, his flight landed 15 minutes ago, so he should be coming to the lobby any time now. I bounce on my feet, simultaneously eager and nervous to see Daniel for the first time since parting ways after Henry and Claire’s wedding.

Eventually I see the hat and sunglasses I recognize from a selfie he sent me earlier, and I can feel my heart race. I begin walking towards him, and feel my pace quicken as I get closer. Eventually he sees me too and he’s grinning at me with his signature toothy smile that I missed so much.

When we come into contact I don’t know what the appropriate response is, so I simply grin up at him.

“Hi,” I breathe.

“Hi,” he smiles back, and before I know it he’s closer than he was before and he’s ducking down to kiss me.

It surprises me but I respond quickly, leaning up to meet him.

When it’s over he pulls back just enough to nuzzle his nose with mine.

“Missed you,” he says softly.

“Missed you most.” I smile.

He stands up straight, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder, threading his other hand through mine.

I can’t see his eyes, but I assume he must be looking around when he speaks.

“Oh, are you by yourself?”

The question catches me off guard.

“Yeah— well, Ryan’s in the car, circling so he wouldn’t have to pay for parking,” I roll my eyes.

He nods, “Sorry, then—“ he makes an inconclusive gesture. “Suppose I didn’t need to kiss you quite yet.”

My stomach drops and I smile tightly, “That’s okay— better safe than sorry. I get it.”

He tugs on my hand pulling me into a hug.

“I did miss you, though.”

“And I still missed you most.” I tease.

Daniel shakes his head, but doesn’t argue, pulling back from me and reaching for his suitcase with his freehand.

“Let’s get this show on the road.”

—-

I bring Daniel upstairs to show him around, and so he can put his suitcase in my room.

“Welcome to my childhood bedroom,” I announce, opening the door and leading Daniel inside.

“Wow, where little Lauren grew up,” Daniel teases looking around. When I first arrived home yesterday, I was quick to tidy up, and hide anything that was too embarrassing, but my room is more or less the exact same as I had left it when I was 18 and moving to college.

I nod. “Yes, many secrets to my backstory can be discovered in here.”

Daniel laughs.

Ryan appears in my doorway leaning against the doorframe.

“Just so you know, Daniel, my bedroom is on the other side of this wall,” he nods to his right. “I can hear everything that happens in here. The walls are thin.”

I frown, blushing, “Ew, Ryan.”

Daniel just laughs and smirks, “Got it, bro.”

I look at him incredulously, “Don’t encourage him.”

The two share a look and shrug, seemingly equally enjoying my discomfort.

“Dinner’s ready!” Auntie Kim calls up to us.

I use that as my cue, brushing past both of them to go downstairs, leaving their laughter behind me.

—-

After Christmas Eve dinner, Katharine stops by and the four of us decide to watch the classic, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I’m the last to arrive in the living room, and when I enter I immediately notice that Ryan is cuddled up with Katharine, and sprawled out over the entire couch, leaving Daniel sitting in the only other seat— the armchair.

I narrow my eyes at them, “Are you guys for real?”

Ryan looks at us and hums innocently, “What?”

“You took the entire couch.”

I see Katharine bite her lip in amusement, as Ryan shrugs.

“I assumed you guys would cuddle anyway. Can you not share the armchair?”

Daniel intervenes, “Of course we can. C’mon Laur.”

He pats his lap. I hesitate briefly before nestling into his lap, tucking my head into his neck.

“Am I crushing you?” I whisper.

“Not at all, you’re keeping me warm.”

I huff a laugh as he puts the blanket over us and Ryan starts the movie. The steady rise and fall of his chest brings me a sense of peace and I have to try not to fall asleep, especially when his fingers gently caress my arm and my leg where he’s holding me to him. I exhale, turning further into his neck and nuzzling into him.

“Tickles,” he breathes, just shy of a whisper.

“You smell good,” I tell him, letting my eyes close.

His chuckle reverberates through his body. “Thanks, darling.”

I feel my eyes shut and sleep take over. I start to come to when I hear the ending song come on, and it drifts into whatever dream I’m having.

“She asleep?” I hear Ryan ask.

“Think so,” Daniel answers.

“You need help waking her up?”

“No, I’ve got it, thanks though. Nice seeing you, Katharine.”

I hear footsteps retreat and feel a series of kisses pressed to my shoulder, as Daniel’s long fingers brush hair away from my face.

“Time to wake up, pretty girl. You can go back to sleep once we’re in your bed.”

I shake my head no, clinging to him tighter.

“Like this bed.” I murmur drowsily.

He laughs softly. “Promise we can cuddle there too.”

“Promise?” I ask, peeking one eye open.

“I promise,” he confirms, pressing one more kiss to my shoulder.

I lift my head to look at him, rubbing my eyes.

“There she is,” he smiles gently at me.

I smile back sleepily, the words coming out before I fully think them through.

“Wanna know a secret?”

“Tell me.”

I swallow, letting my gaze flicker down to his mouth for just a moment. “I like cuddling with you.”

“You do, huh?”

I nod.

“Well the feeling’s mutual. Let’s go upstairs and brush our teeth so we can cuddle more in your bed.”

“Okay,” I relent, getting off of him. He stands up after me and I instinctively lace my fingers with his, leading us back upstairs. When we’re brushed and changed, we settle ourselves in bed and I claim my spot tucked into his neck again.

“Sweet dreams,” he says, kissing the top of my head. I echo the sentiment and gently kiss the spot on his neck I’m closest to. His arms tighten around me and I’m falling asleep again.

—-

For once, I wake up before Daniel. He looks peaceful as he sleeps on his stomach, his arm across my waist, face half smushed into the pillow. I turn my head to look at the clock to see it’s about 9:30 and know the others will be waking up soon. I turn back to Daniel and card my fingers gently through his hair. Eventually his breathing changes and his eyes flutter open, still clouded with sleep.

“Merry Christmas,” I whisper, our faces just inches apart.

He pulls himself closer to me, nuzzling into my side and closing his eyes again. “Merry Christmas.”

It’s quiet for a moment before he speaks again, voice raspy with sleep. “Is everyone else awake?”

“No, I don’t think so. I haven’t heard anyone up and around… they might be soon. Usually we kind of wander downstairs around 10, and it’s just past 9:30.”

He hums in response.

“You can go back to sleep for a little while if you want,” I offer, still running my fingers through his hair. “I’ll wake you when it’s time to go downstairs.”

I start to think he’s drifted off to sleep again when he opens his eyes and looks at me. “No, I can get up. I want to give you your present.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “I told you not to get me anything; you coming here like this with me— twice— is more than enough.”

He rolls his eyes, detaching himself from me and rolling out of bed. “And look like the asshole who didn’t get his girlfriend anything for Christmas? Not a chance.”

I sit up. “We could’ve lied about it—”

“Lauren,” Daniel looks back at me exasperatedly, leaning over his suitcase. “It’s Christmas. Please just open your present.”

He pulls out a neatly wrapped, thin rectangle and places it in my lap, sitting next to me on the bed.

“Merry Christmas, Laur.”

I carefully unwrap the package to reveal a framed art print, with a circle of stars in the middle; underneath it says “The Night Everything Changed” with the coordinates of what I assume to be Los Angeles. I look up to him with soft eyes, and he gives a one shouldered shrug.

“Saw an ad for this online— where you can get the night sky documented of any night you want, anywhere you want. I thought it would be nice to commemorate this past year, for us…” he trails off, and I hug the frame to my chest.

“Daniel, I love it— Really, really love it. It’s so thoughtful.” I reach out and thread our fingers together. “I’m going to hang this in my room. I want it somewhere I see every day.”

He smiles and squeezes my hand. “I’m glad you like it. I actually wanted to talk to you about something— in relation to this. I—”

We’re interrupted by a light knocking on the door, and we both turn.

“Are you guys awake?” Ryan’s voice calls.

“Yeah, we’ll be out in a sec!” I answer.

I turn back to Daniel who squeezes my hand and moves to get up, but I pull him back.

“They can wait; this is special. I want to hear what you have to say.” I smile at him warmly, but he shakes his head, lifting the back of my hand to kiss it.

“It’s alright, I’d rather wait and tell you when we have more time to talk.”

I frown. “Promise me you won’t forget?”

He laughs. “Trust me, I won’t forget.”

He moves to stand, pulling me up with him to go downstairs, but I stop him, wrapping my arms around him tightly.

“Thank you, D. It means a lot to me.”

He returns my embrace, placing a kiss to the top of my head.

When we pull apart, I take his hand again. “Time for Christmas. Your present is under the tree, by the way.”

Daniel laughs. “A present double-standard.”

I shake my head and lead him out of the room.

—-

I think we’re done with presents when Ryan surprises me, coming over to Daniel and I on the loveseat.

“This is for both of you, kind of.” He hands me a thin, narrow gift.

Daniel looks up, surprised. “Thanks, man. That was thoughtful of you.”

He looks at me, silently asking, did you know about this?, and I shake my head no.

I unwrap the package to find a small frame, with a one hundred dollar bill matted in the middle. I look at Ryan and furrow my eyebrows.

“It's the hundred bucks I said I’d give you if you brought a real date to Rachel’s wedding. Seeing as the same guy is here for Christmas I figured you earned it. Thought I’d frame it— but you can take it out and spend it on a date or something, I don’t care.”

Auntie Kim squints. “Sorry, you told her what?”

I roll my eyes and try to avoid the way my stomach sinks at the reminder of how this all started.

I feel Daniel’s hand on my knee. “Clever, Ryan.”

I look over at him to see him flashing his polite interview smile, and I instantly know he knows exactly what I’m feeling.

Auntie Kim stands and stretches. “I don’t get it, but I’m going to go start breakfast. Your sister and Nick are picking up Judith soon and then they’re coming over. Katharine isn’t coming until dinner, right, Ryan?”

As Ryan confirms, she walks out of the room. Ryan turns back to us. “Mind if I shower first?”

I shake my head no, still lost in my thoughts, and I hear Daniel tell him to go ahead.

We’re left alone and I feel Daniel’s thumb brushing my knee.

“Thank you for my presents.”

“You’re welcome— I’m glad you like them; they don’t beat your present for me though.”

He rolls his eyes and we sit for a moment, the framed hundred dollar bill still in my hands.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

I look at him and shake my head. “I don’t know. Just an odd reminder of how this started, and that it’s going to have to end soon, I guess.”

Daniel frowns. “We haven’t really gotten to talk about that. Why don’t we table that for later— we still have a nice day ahead of us. Those are problems for tomorrow.”

I nod and smile at him, and he pulls me in to kiss my temple, and I hear the click of an iPhone camera. I look up to see Auntie Kim in the doorway.

“Sorry, I just wanted to tell you that the coffee’s on. It was too cute not to capture.”

Daniel stands up, offering me his hand. “Make sure you send me a copy. I’ll have to add it to my collection.”

I chuckle as I stand. “Let me guess; the album is called ‘Cute and Shit.’”

He grins. “How’d you know?”

—-

Christmas flies by. It’s filled with good food, wine, and everyone I love. It’s hours after dinner, and Auntie Kim has already driven Aunt Judith home before going to bed herself.

Ryan, Katharine, Daniel, and I are all still seated around the dining room table playing some kind of team card game, and everyone’s faces are red from laughter and wine.

I can’t help but watch Daniel, who is in some kind of hilarious argument with Ryan over some card he pulled. His eyes shine from the light of the chandelier, and his smile is big and bright, taking over his whole face.

It hits me in this moment that I’ve surpassed unlabeled romantic feelings; I am truly in love with this man. The realization consumes me until Katharine knocks her shoulder into mine giggling.

“Can you believe we love these idiots?”

“Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow,” I tease, giggling, catching Daniel’s eye mid-argument. He winks at me and I feel my already red cheeks flush even deeper.

“You two are so cute,” Katharine continues, watching our interaction. She lowers her voice, whispering to me behind her wine glass. “I was kind of worried that when you got a boyfriend he wouldn’t mesh well with our dynamic, ya know? But it kind of feels like Daniel’s always been here.”

Her words vocalize the thoughts that have been ringing in my head all day. “I know what you mean.”

Katharine dramatically clears her throat. “Are you two done? Is it our turn yet?”

—-

We part ways from Ryan and Katharine in the hallway, giggling and shushing each other in the wee hours of the morning. I shut my door behind me and waggle my eyebrows at Daniel.

“Uh oh, there’s trouble,” he teases. “Planning to seduce me?”

I shrug exaggeratedly and he laughs before looking around. “Fuck, where are my sweatpants?”

I giggle. “They’re literally right behind you on the chair.”

“Oh, thanks.” He grabs them before looking at me. “Can I change in here tonight?”

I flush. “Yeah, sure.”

After sharing a room together all this time, this is the first time we’ve changed in front of each other and the thought makes my skin tingle. I make my way over to my dresser, pulling out my own sleep shorts and t-shirt. I wiggle out of my pants and pull on my shorts, glancing over my shoulder to see Daniel, shirtless, adjusting his sweatpants on his hips. My throat runs dry, and I turn around to pull my own shirt over my head, reaching behind me to unclip my bra once it’s on. I bundle my discarded clothes in my hand, walking over to toss them in the hamper. I turn around to find Daniel already looking at me. He’s still shirtless and my eyes drift to his defined chest. He looks down as if noticing for the first time.

“It’s really, uh, hot in here.” He speaks again. “Would it bother you if I slept shirtless?”

I shake my head, mentally screaming. “No, it is warm,” I agree, reaching up to put my hair in a bun on top of my head.

He watches me intently, and I laugh self consciously. “What?”

“Nothing. Just thinking about how this was the best Christmas I’ve had in a while.”

My face lights up. “Really?”

“Yeah.” I see his grin quirk up, and know something else is coming. “I’d say it was almost perfect.”

“Oh?” I question, finishing my bun. “Go on.”

“We fit in a lot of classic traditions today, but we missed one that I’m quite fond of.”

I look at him, trying to think of what it could be, as he takes a step closer to me.

“There wasn’t any mistletoe.”

I swallow. “There wasn’t.” I pause, my mind racing. Before I can fully think it through I find myself offering, “But we could pretend?”

“Hmm?” He murmurs, taking a step closer to me so he’s right in front of me now. I know he’s giving me a chance to take it back, or make a joke; I’m nervous, but I don’t want to take it back. I just really want to kiss him.

“I’d really like it if you had a perfect Christmas.”

“And you?” He questions softly. “What would make it a perfect Christmas for you?”

Instead of answering him, I reach up on my tiptoes to kiss him for a moment, pulling back to look him in the eyes. His eyes meet mine in some unspoken understanding, and then he’s dipping down to kiss me again.

He kisses me softly, delicately, like all the kisses at the wedding. He pulls back briefly to look at me, as if he still expects me to change my mind. I kiss him again, wanting there to be no doubt in his mind, and he kisses me back with purpose and passion, and I’m caught off guard by the weight of it. I gasp, and Daniel uses this opportunity to deepen the kiss, pulling me closer. It reminds me of our very first kiss back on his couch. My arms move around his neck, pulling our bodies flush together.

Daniel pulls away first, but barely, breathing hard, kissing down from my jaw to my neck.

This is definitely new territory for us.

I move my hands to his hair, and he groans at the feeling. I can’t help myself as I sigh breathlessly, a shiver running down my back. He grins against my neck, his teeth scraping at my skin and I moan softly.

“Wait,” I say breathlessly, a thought somehow flitting through my mind. “Earlier, didn’t you say there was something else I should know about my present?”

“I can tell you tomorrow,” he murmurs into my neck between kisses. “It’s time for bed.” He tugs me down onto the bed so I’m underneath him, resuming his kisses on my neck.

“This doesn't seem like going to sleep to me,” I tease.

“It is, shhhh, you’re dreaming.”

“That I’d believe,” I laugh, and Daniel smirks, moving so we're eye to eye again.

“Dream about me often?”

“Shhh.” I pull him closer, turning his words back on him. “You’re dreaming, go back to bed.”

“Happily,” he murmurs, kissing me again.

I bring my hands down to his bare shoulders, feeling his warm, toned skin against my fingertips. I gently drag my nails down his chest to his stomach, and I feel his muscles clench at my touch. I can’t help but smirk to myself as he pulls away to rest his forehead on my shoulder, letting out a shuddering breath. I bring my nails around his back, tracing up his taut muscles and across his shoulder blades.

I feel one of his hands come down, pushing my shirt up, his mouth pressing hot kisses to my abdomen. His nose takes over pushing my shirt up, exploring every new inch revealed with his mouth, his hand now running over my thigh, fingers squeezing occasionally, slowly climbing higher. As his hand reaches the bottom of my shorts, he lightly tugs at the fabric. He pauses, his blue eyes tentatively peering up at me.

“Can I…?” He looks nervous, like I’ll reject him. As if I have ever rejected him, or could ever manage to deny him. I’m not even entirely sure what he’s asking but I find myself nodding quickly. As he goes to tug my shorts down we hear a bang on the wall we share with Ryan followed by a crash, a “Shhhh” and a “Shit.”

We both startle and look over toward the wall, before looking back at each other and laughing softly.

“Ugh, I don’t want to know,” I say, shaking my head.

“You probably, definitely don’t.” He smiles at me before pulling his hand off my shorts, and my shirt back down, letting his fingers trace along the waistband of my shorts before he clears his throat. “We should, uh, get some sleep.”

I blink at the abrupt change in mood before nodding awkwardly. “Okay, sure.”

He rolls off of me, and I reach over to shut the lamp off. I’m hesitant to cuddle up to him, unsure if what just happened changed something between us, but I’m relieved when I feel his arm wrap around me the way it always does. Neither of us say anything, and I try not to think about the last few minutes, the firmness of his body behind mine, or the way my body’s buzzing— closing my eyes to try and get some rest.

—-

The next two days with my family go pretty much the same way as Christmas did. Daniel gets on swimmingly with everyone, and my heart aches every time I realize that once the holidays are over, our charade is going to come to an end—a permanent end— this time. I try to ignore that thought and enjoy my time, basking in the coupley moments in front of my family, and leaning into every touch we share.

I never get a chance to ask about my Christmas present; the time never feels right, and Daniel doesn’t bring it up either. Nothing happens between us like Christmas night; when bedtime rolls around we change in the bathroom and go straight to bed. We cuddle, but there’s no after-dark kisses or wandering hands. I wonder if Daniel feels as self-conscious about that night as I do; if he does, he doesn’t show it.

—-

We’re in my room packing to go back to LA in an effort to try to beat the inevitable New Year’s rush at the airport.

“I need to find something to wrap this in so it doesn’t break in my luggage,” I frown, holding up Daniel’s present. “It’s my new prized possession— nothing can happen to it.”

Daniel looks over and laughs. “Want me to wrap it in my sweatpants? That's what I did on the way here.”

“Okay, thank you.” I pad across the floor and pass him the frame, our fingers brushing in the process.

“Of course.” His lips quirk up as he carefully arranges the frame in his suitcase.

A moment passes, and I wonder if now is a good time to ask about my present .

“Hey, I’ve been wanting to ask—“

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you—“

We both stop mid-sentence and Daniel laughs, “Sorry what were you saying?”

I shake my head, courage gone. “No— sorry, go ahead.”

He looks at me curiously but continues, “Henry texted me; he and Claire invited us to their New Year’s Eve party. They’re having it in LA this year.”

I quirk an eyebrow. “Us? They want me to go?”

He shrugs. “Yeah, Claire apparently requested your presence specifically.”

“Oh, that’s nice of her. I usually stay in for New Year’s.”

“It could be fun— if you aren’t sick of me yet,” Daniel teases.

“Ha!" I laugh, "If you aren’t sick of me yet, more like.” I shake my head. “And don’t mind sharing your friends with me.”

“They’re basically your friends now, too,” he argues.

“I’m not sure one wedding constitutes that, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

“You should come.”

I stop and look at him.

“I’ll call a car and pick you up on the way.”

When I hesitate, he softens his voice. “Please come.”

I swallow, “Okay.”

I’m not a big party person, but I also know I don’t have it in my heart to deny him, especially after everything he’s done for me.

He grins. “Really?”

I nod. “Yeah, I’ll go.”

“Cool, I’ll, uh, let them know we’re coming.”

I bite my lip to suppress my smile and start planning my outfit in my head.

—-

When we arrive at Claire and Henry’s house on New Year’s Eve, I try not to gawk at the size. It’s massive and sits high on one of the tallest hills in LA, away from the noise of the city.

The first person to spot us as we walk in is, unfortunately, Eleanor. I’d hoped she was in London, and away from us, but alas.

“Daniel!” she squeals, throwing her arms around him. “I was so hoping you’d be here.”

“Hi, El,” he placates her with a strained smile. “You remember Lauren?” He gestures back to me.

“Laura?” she asks, disinterested.

“Lauren,” I correct, forcing myself to smile. “Nice to see you again.”

“Eleanor,” Daniel intervenes. “Could you point us in the direction of Henry and Claire, perhaps?”

She frowns, but quickly covers it up. “They were in the kitchen last I checked— we have just got to catch up later.”

“We will!” He agrees graciously. “Let us get a drink, and I’m sure we'll have plenty of time to talk later.”

Daniel puts a hand on my back, guiding me forward and into another room, which turns out to be the kitchen. He’s immediately drawn into a series of bro hugs and handshakes by Henry and some of his other friends.

“Lauren! I’m so glad you came!” I turn to find Claire by a table of beverages.

“Claire! So nice to see you, thank you for inviting me.”

“Thank you for coming,” she says, pulling me into a quick hug. “I told Daniel he just had to bring you.”

I laugh. “He told me you were quite persistent— I usually have a low key New Year’s at home, but this is a fun change of pace.”

“Can I get you a drink?” She asks, already reaching for a bottle of champagne.

“Sure, thank you.” I catch Daniel’s eye across the room; he’s being clapped on the back and led out of the kitchen. I smile reassuringly, hoping to communicate that I’m fine here. He seems to understand, as he smiles back and nods before turning back to his friends.

Claire giggles, bringing my attention back to her.

“You look at him with such heart eyes, it’s cute.”

I try to keep my face from panicking. “Sorry?” She laughs like my reaction is the funniest thing in the world. “Oh don’t worry, he looks at you just the same, so you’re fine.”

I chuckle nervously. “I think maybe you’ve got the wrong impression—”

She shrugs like we’re talking about something commonplace, like the weather.

“Maybe, it’s possible... but I don’t think so. Now come! There’s some other girls I’d love for you to meet.”

—-

I spend a good portion of the night talking with Claire and her friends. They’re all very kind to me, but eventually I excuse myself to get some air out on the balcony.

I’m looking up at the sky — it’s dark, dotted with faint stars and a distant passing plane — when I hear somebody come out and join me. As they settle next to me against the railing I immediately know who it is just by how comfortable I feel.

“Whatcha doin out here, LaurLaur? The New Year’s only a few minutes away.”

I grin at him. “Just getting some air and admiring the stars. From up here you can actually see them.”

He hums, looking up with me.

“It reminds me of a certain piece of art a certain someone got me for Christmas.”

He chuckles. “I’m glad you like it so much.”

“It was very thoughtful…. I wonder if any of the stars are in the same places as they were that night.”

“Which night?”

“The night everything changed. Your birthday.”

Daniel leans against the railing facing me, and looks like he’s about to say something before he changes his mind.

Eventually he speaks again. “Things are going to change again soon, right? You said you’re sure about the break up?”

I swallow, scoffing my shoe against the balcony floor.

“I mean, we still need to figure it out, but you can’t keep fake dating me forever. That isn’t fair to you.”

He smiles wistfully. “It’s not like there was anyone else I was trying to date.”

“I’m a lucky girl,” I lament, and Daniel blushes and shakes his head. “It’s a real shame we’re over, though," I jest, trying to lighten the mood. "I’ve never gotten to kiss anyone at midnight.”

His eyebrows raise in surprise. “Never?”

“Nope,” I pop the p and look down at my feet.

“Well.” He clears his throat conspiratorially. “We can agree not to bring our fake relationship into the New Year if you want, but if the kiss starts before midnight, I think we’d get by on a technicality...”

I laugh. “You really want Eleanor to hate me, don’t you?”

He grins cheekily and shakes his head. “Nah, I think I saw her latched onto some other poor bugger inside. We’re in the clear.”

I roll my eyes, looking back up at the sky. I feel his finger trace my arm, gently using my elbow to turn my attention back towards him.

His voice is softer now, “It’s up to you, but there’s no one else I’d rather kiss at midnight.”

I look into his eyes and realize he’s being sincere. My heart’s beating out of my chest. Yes, I want to kiss him, but I want it to mean something. I keep giving in because I know one day this is all going to go away, and I’ll be left with just my memories and heartache.

He must see some hesitance in my eyes, because he’s taking a step back.

“If you don’t want to, it’s fine. Really.” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “Not trying to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do.”

I shake my head. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I just…” I trail off, looking over the balcony, trying to swallow my feelings, which have manifested as anxious tears in my eyes. I feel a tear escape, and I hastily reach up to wipe it away.

“Hey,” Daniel says gently. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t.” I let out a watery laugh. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m…”

I feel his steady stare, and I come to terms with the fact that I’ve really gotten myself into a mess that I can’t just smooth over. I’m going to have to tell him.

I take a minute to compose myself, and Daniel stays quiet giving me time to put my words together as I look anywhere but at him.

“I do want to kiss you, D,” I start slowly, trying to keep my voice steady, “but I can’t if it’s just another part of our fake relationship.”

He tugs me closer by hand, gently, so I have no choice but to look at him. I swallow the lump in my throat. “I… know this wasn’t supposed to be real. But it has been, for me.”

He shakes his head and squeezes my hand. “So then stop trying to break up with me.”

I blink at him, and he continues.

“The night everything changed— your star map— I wasn’t referencing the story we told your family about my birthday.” Daniel looks at me long and hard like I’m missing something totally obvious. “It’s actually the stars from a night a month or so later.”

A month or two— Oh. OH.

“The night Ryan FaceTimed me?” I whisper, afraid to be wrong.

He takes my other hand in his, lacing our fingers together. “Listen— Fuck. I’m in love with you, Lauren.” He looks at me so intensely and my head is spinning. “I love you, and I’m in love with you.”

“What?” I ask dumbly.

He licks his lips. “A wise woman once said to me, you don’t confess to ‘kind of like someone’ when you’ve already been friends as long as we have.”

I stare at him for a second, my cheeks burning. “Well your friend sounds pretty smart.” I swallow. “Because I love you, too.”

He laughs, relief flooding his features. He pulls me to his chest, crushing me and squeezing the air out of my lungs. Eventually he pulls back, hands cupping my face.

He grins and shakes his head. “She is smart, so, so smart, but I don’t want to be her friend anymore.”

“What do you mean?” My brows furrow in confusion, worried that somehow I’ve misread this whole interaction, my relief quickly being replaced by panic.

“Well.” He steps forward, keeping our faces incredibly close. “I’m hoping she agrees to be my very real girlfriend— that is, if she doesn’t break up with me first.”

I hear everyone inside start the countdown to midnight. I’m still looking into Daniel’s eyes in disbelief, my hands clinging to the front of his shirt.

When the countdown hits one, I’ve finally found the words I want to say.

“Happy New Year, boyfriend.”

He’s grinning as he kisses me, and I am too. It’s not our most elegant kiss, a mess of teeth and giggles, and whispered “I love you”s. We never stray too far from each other’s lips, kissing again and again like we can’t get enough— and maybe we can’t.

Eventually, we calm down a bit, and when we kiss this time it’s all-consuming, sucking the air out of my lungs. It feels like my love is fizzling to the top of my skin, and I feel it. ‘It’ being every indescribable emotion in our kisses this past year, but this time I know what it is: true, unadulterated, uninhibited love. I am in love with my best friend, who is now my boyfriend, and I don’t care who knows it— as long as he does.

His fingers press bruisingly into my hips before he pulls back just enough to look at me.

“Can we go home?” He whispers sheepishly, brushing some hair out of my face tenderly. “I’m kind of tired of sharing you with the public.”

I huff a laugh. “I know exactly what you mean.” I lean forward to kiss him one last time before pulling back to lace our fingers together, squeezing tightly. “Please— take me home, D.”

I don’t have to tell him twice.

---

tagged: @rogershoe @heyrowena @yunsh-17 @trenko-heart @dylxnshxrmxn

[rreyie]

Porco for fluff alphabet?

porco galliard fluff alphabet

warnings- very very mildly suggestive themes

a/n- i think we all need a bf like porco, he’s so sweet i stg

A is for Activites- what do they like to do with their s/o? how do they spend their free time with them?

porco will do anything you want him to do. but a favorite of his is to just go out and explore downtown marley. there’s no specific goal you’re both trying to achieve, just going where the day takes you. downtown marley is crowded, so he’s got a hand holding yours the entire time to ensure you don’t get lost. you’ll both stop in a few different stores, his favorite is whatever the aot equivalent to bath and body works is and the lingerie shop. he wants to buy stuff for you to show he cares, and you’ll probably leave with a bag or two full of different clothes, and just random things you two thought were cool. the one place he insists on stopping at is the deli. he always gets something with at least two kinds of meat, and will pay for yours as well. the day ends with getting back home and doing some cuddling on the couch while he falls asleep on your lap.

B is for Beauty- what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?

porcos favorite feature about you is the way you smile and laugh, also your hands. each time you laugh at one of his jokes, he turns a deep red at the fact that someone finds him entertaining. his world seems to light up when you’re happy and smile at him, and he will cherish each time you do so. he also loves your hands, they’re just perfect for holding and he loves to intertwine your fingers.

C is for Comfort- how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

porco would do anything in his power to make sure you’re smiling by the end of the day. when his s/o feels down, he picks up on it very quickly and immediately asks what’s wrong, and who is causing you this pain. he would want you to take things slow for the day, he’ll be doing all the work for the next 24 hours. if you want affection, he will hold you while you cry into his shoulder. there’s a good chance he will cry with you, since he is upset seeing you like this. when you’re having a panic attack, he drops everything to get to you. if you’re immobilized by the emotion, he will carry you to a secluded room if there’s one nearby to give you some quiet with him. he will embrace you like he never has before, stroking your hair and whispering “you’ll be alright, i’m here honey. take your time.” he will be more understanding if you’re not okay by the end of the day since he knows these things are serious and he wants to make sure you’re completely okay before resuming back to normal.

D is for Dreams- how do they picture their future with their s/o?

porco dreams of having a family with you. once the war is over, he will make it a priority to get the two of you married and move out to a house in marley. porco absolutely adores children, so he would probably two with you. he wants two boys that can have the same kind of bond that he and marcel had. he would probably have enough money at this point that he could retire because of his service in the war, so he will become a stay home dad and watch his two boys. and he will probably name one of his sons marcel jr.

E is for Equal- are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

porco wants both of you to have the same level of commitment and dominance in the relationship.

F is for Fight- would they be easy to forgive their s/o? how are they fighting?

porco has a temper. he’s quick to snap. the fighting was likely initiated by him, possibly because he saw you hanging around reiner for too long today. it never gets violent, but porco can’t control what comes out of his mouth sometimes. he might throw an insult here and there. if you leave the room in tears, he will beat himself up over it and once he’s given you some space, he will apologize while trying to hold back tears because he feels like a shitty boyfriend for doing this to you. if you’re the one who apologizes first, he will pretend to act mad but really he’s not deep down inside because he loves you that much.

G is for Gratitude- how grateful are they in general? are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

porco might not say it, but he appreciates what you’re doing for him. instead, he will do things in return to show he’s grateful, i’ll get into that later down the list. he is overall pretty aware of how dedicated his s/o is to him.

H is for Honesty- do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? or do they share everything?

the only reason that you know everything that’s up with porco is because he vents to you very often. he does keep his fair share of secrets though, but they are very minor- except one. most of his secrets are about the war, one of his best kept and worst secrets about him was that he killed a child while at war with the mid east allied forces. he still feels terrible about it to this day, and wouldn’t want you finding out about what he did during the war.

I is for Inspirational- did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

you likely changed porco more than he changed you. porco has a tough guy exterior and was pretty self absorbed before meeting you, but he learned that it was okay to cry and let his guard down around you. he also became a little more selfless, since he would do anything to protect you. 

J is for Jealousy- do they get jealous easily? how do they deal with it?

porco is one to get jealous very easily. he’s possessive too. if he sees you hanging around reiner for a minute too long, he holds a grudge on you. he doesn’t speak to you for the rest of the day, and when you meet up with him to head back to your bedrooms, he just says “so reiner is gonna replace me, huh?” and walks off without another word. you’re gonna have to smother him in kisses to let him know you still love him more than anyone else, and stay the night while he clings to you in his sleep.

K is for Kissing- are they a good kisser? what was the first kiss like?

porco loves to kiss. he’s amazing at it too. his kisses are sloppy, lazy, slow, and teasing, with a lot of tongue and spit. his favorite place to kiss is on your bed just to get some privacy to do whatever you want. he especially loves when you’re both half naked and kissing so he can feel your skin on his. the first kiss was in town next to a fountain, where he confessed his feelings to you. you told him to close his eyes and you went in for it, and he kissed you back instantly. the blush on his cheeks was insane once you pulled away.

L is for Love Confession- how would they confess to their s/o?

after the festival in liberio, he stood with you and watched the fountain in town square. you made a comment on how pretty his eyes looked in the moonlight, and he made a bad attempt at complimenting your face, which made you giggle. hearing you laugh made the butterflies errupt in his stomach, and he knew he couldn’t hide it anymore. he said, “look y/n, i have no clue if you’re gonna hate me after what i’m about to say, if you think i’m weird just say something, but i like you. i have since i met you, and i think i want to be with you- oh god, i don’t even like you, i love you-“ you had to shut him up and kiss him on the lips before he started to ramble about how much he loves you.

M is for Marriage- do they want to get married? how do they propose? what would the marriage be like?

of course porco would want to get married, he’s a family man. he would probably propose somewhere very informally, like you two were talking about it one day and he’s like “well i mean there’s no better person than you that i would want to marry, you would make a wonderful wife-“ and that’s how it all started. you two got married in a church in liberio, with pieck as the maid of honor and zeke as the best man. he cried when he saw you in that white gown, he thought you looked like a princess. the marriage would be fun and laid back, you two would travel a lot before settling down about a year later.

N is for Nicknames- what do they call their s/o?

he calls you “babe” and “baby” a lot. occasionally he will call you “honey” or a variation of your name.

O is for On Cloud Nine- what are they like when they are in love? is it obvious for others? how do they express their feelings?

he’s a flustered, bashful baby. if you even look his way he will turn red. he tries to show off his skills, and wants to make himself stand out above the rest. he does his hair with extra care in the morning and starts to wash his face to make his skin look better. pieck picks up on it first, and she will occasionally say something about it, but all porco will do is grumble something and brush it off. zeke will notice and say something as well. porco expresses his feelings by occasionally complimenting you on your outfit, and sneaking a touch here and there like if he’s brushing a stray piece of hair out of your face. if you do the same to him, his brain will stop working for a moment.

P is for PDA- are they upfront about their relationship? do they brag with their s/o in front of others? or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

porco is a big fan of pda and bragging. especially if you’re within 10 feet of reiner. he makes it very known that he’s taken, the first time he walked into the meeting room in front of the other warriors he literally announced, “oh yeah, y/n is my girlfriend now. just thought you guys should know.” he loves to talk about you with the other guys, not in a bad way but like sharing stories about time you two spent together, how wonderful you are, and quite frankly the other guys are kind of tired of hearing a new story about you every hour. porco won’t hesitate to kiss or show affection in public, not full out making out but like a medium length kiss on the lips is acceptable. he’s always got his hands on you in public too, like an arm slung around your shoulder or just holding your hand. he wants everyone to know you’re his.

Q is for Quirk- some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

not quite sure if this is beneficial in the relationship but he gives the best piggyback rides. he has a really strong back that’s able to lift you up and he loves hearing your little giggles as he hoists you up into the air and onto his back. then he will run all around the place with you on his back in a fruitful attempt to make you laugh and smile.

R is for Romance- how romantic are they? what would they do to make their s/o happy? cliché or rather creative?

porco is in general a very romantic person. he will always treat you and try to make you happy just like to do to him. one of his favorite things to do for you is to take you out to some expensive restaurant in the rich part of marley and treat you to dinner. he wears his best suit and thinks you look absolutely stunning in that outfit of yours, which makes a little blush bloom on his face. he is vocal when it comes to telling you “i love you” and will say it to you at least 3 times a day. when you come back from an expedition in the mid east, he will be waiting for you in the train station with a big sign that says “welcome home y/n” and a bouquet of roses.

S is for Support- are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? do they believe in them?

porco thinks you should go for whatever makes you happy. he doesn’t exactly know how to help, but he will give you words of encouragement- like “you’re doing so well babe!” or “i love how you’re so determined, keep it up!” he truly does believe you can achieve whatever goal you’re working towards, he has a lot of faith in you.

T is for Thrill- do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? or do they prefer a certain routine?

porco loves change, and he would like a new way of doing things. it can be anything from going to a different place for dinner or waking up at a different time, he just wants things to always be different. he values thrill and spice to your relationship, it’s a key element to dating him.

U is for Understanding- how good do they know their partner? are they empathetic?

he will slowly learn more about you throughout your relationship, but empathy is something he needs to work on. every new bit of information he learns about his parter surprises him, and he makes a mental note of it to use for later. empathy is different though, because of his tough guy exterior he didn’t find empathy easy in the beginning. in fact, the first time you vented to him he said something along the lines of “well? get over it. it’s not worth dwelling on it.” when you ran off crying, from then on he made sure to never say that again.

V is for Value- how important is the relationship to them? what is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

your relationship is one of the reasons why he keeps fighting with the war going on. he wants to have that future with you and live a peaceful life after, so in a way it’s a priority.

W is for Wild Card- a random fluff headcanon.

porco is a blanket hog when you go to sleep together. he doesn’t realize it but after he starts to sleep, he will grab the blanket and roll himself in it so that he’s in a blanket burrito and your shivering on the other side. he also snores very loudly. if you wake him up to tell him he will begrudgingly give you some of the blanket, but then he gets cold. he will cling to you the entire night in an effort to keep warm.

X is for XOXO- are they very affectionate? do they love to kiss and cuddle?

porco is a cuddle bug once you get to know him. he especially loves to cuddle in bed or on the couch. he loves it when you fall asleep on him so he can see how pretty your face is when you sleep. porco kisses you many times per day. on the neck, lips, cheek, collarbone, hand, anywhere he can have access to. he loves it when you kiss him back and leave a hickey or love bite.

Y is for Yearning- how will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

he will try to keep in contact with their partner and keep something of theirs by his side always until they come back. if the time is okay, he will write you letters and expect you to write one back saying that you’re alright. he will grab a t shirt you wore out of the hamper and sleep with it for the night because it smells like you. he also might cry a little because he misses you, and he will shed a tear once you come back home with the biggest hug and kiss.

Z is for Zeal- are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? if so, what kind of?

porco would go lengths for the relationship, especially if your life was on the line. he would do everything in his power to make sure you’re safe and comfortable. this is lowkey funny but if you two were in immediate danger, he would let you ride on the back of his titan while he runs to safety. he would sacrifice his life for you as well.

[as-rare-as-trees]

Ok, so. I've just finished watching the cdrama My Roomate is a Detective and I wanted to share some thoughts I've had for a while. If you haven't seen it, read on at your own discretion. I'll focus on the relationship between the three main characters, so I'm gonna mention some specific scenes, but I'll put a warning if I talk about one of them in detail (both at the beginning and at the end).

I find quite interesting the way their relationship and its dynamic was handled, but I honestly also found it confusing at times in a way. What I mean is, it was kinda obvious since the beginning what the romantic pair was going to be (because of the usual storytelling that makes it almost certain that if there are a male and female lead they'll end up together), but still I feel like first of all they focused on building the friendship between these three. It's great to see honestly, instead of seeing how from the exact first moment the male and female lead meet there's romance or the shadow of it.

I feel like Lu Yao and Bai Youning's relationship (like my sister kindly pointed out) was treated more like a siblings' relationship: they tend to bicker most of the time, getting physical too, and only saying to each others' faces how annoying the other one is, but actually caring and worrying about each other. That's how it is most of the time, except for some more serious moments in which it becomes clear that they're going to become a couple. (Honestly, I need to think some more about their dinamics, because there are some things, particularly in the later part, that leave me a bit hesitant) But the thing is: they don't get a lot of those clicheé romantic scenes. They do have bonding moments, for example when they talk about their past, or drink together or things like that, but there aren't any stereotypical romantic tropes. And here comes the confusing part, because you know where you can notice them instead? In Lu Yao and Qiao Chusheng's relationship. I did stop to wonder whether I was just looking for a way to see a m/m relationship, also because half of the cdramas I've seen are based on bl novels, but I wasn't. There are quite a number of scenes that are usually played by het couples, (the closeness, casual touches, that whole romantic dinner...) and I felt like their chemistry/dinamics were more on a flirty level let's say, above all on Qiao Chusheng's part. I don't know honestly, maybe it's just his face, but that smile he gave Lu Yao sometimes did look kinda flirty. Then there's the way he dotes on him, and actually protects him no matter the cost (but so does Bai Youning later on). This doesn’t mean that it has to go past the point of friendship, because there are friends that flirt jokingly or buy each other stuff out of the blue (I wish I could do it) etc, but I think it’s interesting that they gave them these kind of scenes. And let me talk a little about that romantic dinner because it's ridiculous:

*SPOILER FOR EP 15*

Qiao Chusheng brought Lu Yao to a restaurant whose main target is made up of couples, paid a violinist, bought him an expensive gift and insisted on putting it on him himself (and tell me if the shot in which he is putting the watch on Lu Yao doesn't look like those scenes in which the main lead puts a ring on the female lead's finger) and then acts confused when Lu Yao is embarassed?? And then Lu Yao's friend passes by them and basically gives them thumbs up? I mean...

*SAFE TO READ AGAIN*

I feel like Lu Yao on his part is a little more oblivious in a way. It's true that he was the one to joke about being Qiao Chusheng's boyfriend that one time, but for most of the time he looks more passive let's say, meaning that he doesn't do much, he takes more than give. And maybe it's bound to his own personality, the way he starts off being self centered and selfish and saying it clearly, (And I could talk about how through the show he starts caring about his two new friends, do we wanna talk about how he says he can't leave Shanghai because he has two people he has to look after?)

However, even through the differences, the super interesting and quite refreshing thing for me is that these two relationships were put on the same plane. Maybe it's just that I'm used to the idea of romantic relationships as The Ultimate Relationships, meaning that they're the highest level of relationships and are on a sort of pedestal in relation to friendships. There's a clear distinction between the two. It's like there's a sort of hierarchy, and your romantic partner (singular because I think it's something more tied to monogamy and the whole idea of your lifelong love) is at the top, while your friends are a little lower. Which for some people works just fine, I'd lie if I said that I don't consider my relationships at different levels. But the point here is that I feel like the way it is portrayed usually is that once you get a romantic partner things change abruptly, and the division between your romantic relationship and your other ones is obvious. And it must be like that.

In this show instead it's different.

To sum up a little: Lu Yao's relationship with Bai Youning is built more like a siblings' relationship, but it's directed towards a romantic relationship; between Lu Yao and Qiao Chusheng there is a flirtier vibe let's say, with more stereotypical romantic details, but going forward it's in theory just the relationship between two best buddies/brothers. But still, no matter how they're built, it's never shown as if one of these relationships is more important than the other one, and once the romance starts, friendship ends.

I think there are some moments in which it is said in a more direct way:

*SPOILER FOR EPS 21-22, 31-32, 34 and last 2 eps*

-the one I mentioned before, before Lu Yao almost gets kidnapped. Jiang Zhiqing asks him whether he wants to stay in Shanghai because of somebody and he says there are two people he can't leave, not only one. I was honestly surprised because I feel like normally a moment like this would have been used to build on the main romantic relationship, showing how the main lead actually feels deeply for his love interest. Instead they used it to state how both Qiao Chusheng and Bai Youning have become greatly important to Lu Yao.

-the second moment is when in ep 32 (or 31?) they are in the hospital and when the nurse asks Bai Youning and Qiao Chusheng who between them is Lu Yao's family they answer at the same time that they are.

After that there's the first distinction in the two relationships because Bai Youning says she is Lu Yao's wife. And there's also a greater focus on their romantic relationship. But it still isn't portayed as being more important than their friendship with Qiao Chusheng, there isn't a "Oh well, now we are together so let's forget him". (Even from the point of view of production, he doesn't just disappear as a character, I'm thinking about the way there's a lot of shots of his expressions during the wedding and when Lu Yao and Bai Youning leave)

+ I loved when Qiao Chusheng says that he'll probably have to be a full time gangster again because of the tension with the British, and they immediately ask him where he wants to move to and basically offer him an alternative choice when he's just stated that sometimes you can't choose.

*SAFE TO READ*

So look. The thing is that I find their trio quite interesting, I love their dinamics, and the way they are built in quite a complex and sometimes ambiguos way. I think these three work pretty well together.

I know this is probably going to sound like a contradiction to what I said about how I like the way they put the two relationships on the same plane even if they're different etc. But because of the way said relationships are built throughout the show, I feel like these three could also either stay all friends or be in a poly relationship. Even though in this last case it'd be more like "Lu Yao gets both a boyfriend and a girlfriend who are ready 24/7 to threathen people on his behalf and actually act on it", because I feel like between Qiao Chusheng and Bai Youning things really do stop at friendship, maybe also because it is stated from the beginning that Bai Youning is like a younger sister to Qiao Chusheng. Or maybe like I said they all stay friends and that's it.

[Sorry if it got this long, I don't even know how it is possible. I hope what I wrote makes sense and I haven't been analysing all these things in a completely wrong way. I am open to talking about it politely. And if I've said anything ignorant or offensive or senseless from a cultural point of view, please do tell me. Thank you if you've got this far, wish you a great day and more!]

[for-peace-war]

No, really. Lovecraft Country sucks.

These are spoilers, but I also don’t give a shit because it’s a bad show and I hope you skim enough to fucking skip it.  I took a few days to decide if I hated it enough to write this and well, I do. 

I will try my best not to say “X is a bad actor,” but instead stick with the characters as they’re intended save for one particular issue.

The Story

It isn’t very Lovecraftian.  And don’t take this as me saying Lovecraft was some kind of master of his craft.  I think he was an absurd racist that used xenophobia as his guise for what truly horrified the sane mind. That being said, the element of the unknown is definitely the hallmark of his world and that in no way is represented in this show.  It could easily be called “Goosebumps: The Black Version” and it’d be just as authentic--if not more so, really.

The story deals with the Bible (?) and magic that comes from uh, knowing the names of things.  You speak a made up language and then you do some kind of confusing magic that has no real purpose or point.  I sound dismissive of this because I am, to be clear.  They could have just as easily had this language be something whites stole from Africans and then perverted into their own means of power (it’d be a pretty easy parralel to any number of imperialist issues left behind in Africa, huh.)

But anyway, it has a tentacle monster. I think we see a big scary octopus at one point.  But the monsters are often in your face and it’s probably less scary than Stranger Things S1.

Honestly, the characters repeat “autumnal equinox” so much that I felt I was going to have a fucking breakdown.  Just the writing is very empty and no one seems to really care about anyone else on the screen except for in a rare moment between the only two characters that make it far and matter. 

Characters

They aren’t very good.  There are tropes present, which isn’t bad at all, but the way the characters interact, speak, and in general move us through the story feels stilted, often nonsensical, and entirely reliant on the viewer assuming that the latest sentence spoken is the only one that matters.

Atticus “Tic” Freeman

A war criminal that derives his power from the white blood inside of him. Again, dismissive but true.  We see this man struggle to connect pieces to a puzzle and eventually he pays the price for it, but not in the way Lovecraft would have someone pay for endeavoring beyond their realm.  Rather, something about fate and a book. Look, honestly? Who gives a shit.  Tic murders a woman in coldblood and it’s never really touched on.  There’s a lot that could be said about militaries, oppression, etc, but we often see these characters enact violence and then the story skips merrily beyond it.  So yeah, he summarily executes a Korean woman and then is later shown torturing another, but it’s okay because he feels a little bad and fucks the Korean sex demon woman.  More on that later.   I felt nothing for him.  He didn’t have some deep animus over being a torturing war criminal.  He was just kind of moving through scenes and having confusing fights with his girlfriend/baby mama.

Letitia “Leti” Lewis

This is what empowerment shouldn’t look like. It amuses me that the show claimed to subvert some kind of norms when the primary love interest (and ultimate heroine) remains the lightest skinned sister in the room.  She is able to maintain the appeal of the ingenue while at the same time having the understood attractiveness of her complexion. As far as Leti is concerned as a character, she too seems to be a pretty shitty person.  We hear that she has “transactional” friendships and she seems pretty much all about self-survival and rarely if ever puts up where others do.  She’s a heroine in the sense that the story makes her be heroic, but it never addresses how her flaws are ultimately all self-inflicted and unnecessary.  She could just not be a shitty person.

Hippolyta Freeman

Well. Hidden Figures was an excellent film, and I think that’s where Hippolyta came from.  In a more serious series, perhaps she and her daughter could have had a very touching arc that would deal with survival and exceptionalism in a world that maligns you for your very being.  Unfortunately, in reality she just comes off as a character that’s quirky in a world that’s also quirky and she doesn’t get to harness her power. There’s an entire episode dedicated to how she discovers who she is and the result is well, her hair turns blue and she makes robots?  I think the character TYPE is great, but they misused her here in all ways.

George Freeman

Well, well.  If the series had remained about George, Tic, and Leti adventuring through America and encountering sundown towns and monsters both human and otherwise, I think it’d have been okay.  The issue is, they wrote this series by the numbers so George is immediately thrown away.  He’s a wise and circumspect guy that has his own flaws (he has patrarchical notions built around protecting/babying his genius wife, clearly), but the flaws he has are understandable and well reasoned. George dies early on.  Then he sort of doesn’t, I guess? But the fact he did was really the nail in the coffin for this series.  The moment they did that, the rest just became empty strokes.  A story where George witnessed the others dying and going back to his wife and daughter would have had so much more heart to it, but well.  Uncle George is literally one of the few bright spots.

Ruby Baptise

Much like her sister, Leti, Ruby is a terrible attempt at showing empowerent on the one hand, and a masterwork on the other.  The bad first: she’s a rapist.  I’ve been called a nigger before and while it didn’t feel great, I don’t think I’d have been justified in just sodomizing the person that did it.  That entire sequence was weird and they tried to hype it as her reclaiming something, when really it spoke to a disgusting and gratuitous tendency toward Ruby: she’s always too much. Ruby, IMO, should have been Tic’s love interest.  In a sense.  First, because Wunmi Mosaku was a very attractive woman with impressive acting chops (she’s where I’ll break my moratirum, sorry), but also because it wouldn’t be what you’d see in every other show now: light-skinned pretty sister, dark-skinned sexual eikon.  And that’s the issue with Ruby there: she’s always too much.  She’s sexual by existing and that isn’t necessarily to her benefit since Leti, the good one, is an actual virgin before her sudden period sex. So the narrative has already spoken as to how it views sex. Yet, because they tried to give Ruby these strange strokes, she comes out as an interesting character.  She has feelings, aspirations, and dreams that she’s kept from and that’s very real. In a story about the absurd, a sense of realness is a familiar handhold to gather your wits.  She’s all that, really.  It’s why she has the best relationships in the show, which is AGAIN an issue, but well. I’ll say Ruby was never bad to have on screen though I was disgusted with how often her blackess (and Blackness in general!) became the source of grotesque horror.

Christina Braithewaite

This is where I get annoyed.  My issue with Christina is that she should have easily been the most hated character, but they overplayed their hand with not showing how nefarious she was.  In fact? Christina and Ruby’s relationship is the only meaningful, real, and understandable one in the entire series.  I felt no joy during her downfall, because I didn’t really get to see her doing anything bad? Just, consider what the show is.  It’s about Lovecraft’s lore, ostensibly, which treats all non (specific types of) white men like dogs.  So Christina comes at it from the “white” but “woman” perspective and you know, she has moments of duality that you can say is she more white or woman here.  But they don’t execute on how sinister she should be.  She’s a little rude at times? Yet she is the only person to treat Ruby like she should be treated and she’s the only person that seems to have a goal outside of “the quest.” It really bothered me that she came out so well done, because either they needed to have her for two seasons and make her far more nefarious after the first, or to just make her less a force for good.  She saves the characters more than a few times and pays for it by being killed when she’s at her lowest.  Yeah, it’s... a weird take.  

Ji-Ah

What can I say?  There are depictions of sex in the series, and they’re all negative: most of Ji-Ah’s scenes, Montrose’s angry self-loathing sex with his boyfriend, Ruby’s morphic horror scenes.  In the case of most of those, there’s something being said.  Ji-Ah is a monster, literally, that could be seen as Lovecraftian in the sense she’s an exotic Asian woman that kills men that sleep with her.  So, HBO was like “we’ll blow our tits and ass budget on her,” and she exists for a series of sex scenes and vague, inscrutable... shit, maybe SHE is the most Lovecraft of all the characters! Anyway at some point she joins the party after confusing drama with Leti because they both fucked Tic.  It’s okay though, because Ji-Ah isn’t here for any of that now.  She’s the one who had the best friend that had her teeth yanked out by Tic, and also who was there when he shot her other friend in cold blood, but they get over that and she’s now their friendly red panda pal or some shit.  It’s fucking trash.   Much like the Freemans (sans Tic), I think she’d have done great in another show. But they rushed her story and it felt less Ghost Nation (Westworld) and more Masturbation (Jordan Peele).

Diana Freeman

Confusing.  A stock character (quirky kid that does art, is impetuous, and won’t take no for an answer) that is given a lot of screen time.  When she sort of hijacks an episode when two ragamuffin girls chase her down and infest her or something because racist cops.  Well, the story veers to her direction.  What can I say?  If you like 11 from Stranger Things but wanted her to have Mike’s attitude, well.  Here you go.

Montrose Freeman

He could have been a good character, I guess. He seemed unnecessary and often was there purely for an x-factor of “uh?”  Like, his infamous scene where he slits a two-spirit Native American’s throat after we learn that this indigenous person had just been restored after being raped by bad guys.  So there’s that.  Also I guess he was self-loathing so he beat his son (that may not be his son???) and also liked fucking dudes, which was I think where we were supposed to care about him. It’s like someone saw Omar was a gun-wielding desperado of drug theft and decided, “Well what made him okay is he’s gay!”  But it didn’t add much.  I get he was angsty but other than Tic calling him a “faggot” (one of the few good scenes between them in terms of emotion), it all seemed empty and kind of meandering. At no point does Montrose seem a part of the team.  He just half-mumbles, gets angry, cries, and falls apart.

Captain Seamus Lancaster

He’s barely a character, but I need to include him for another point. He’s the “bad guy.”  I guess?  He uses the bodies of black men to stay alive, which is actually a really smart reference to black bodies fueling the American system, but it comes off as cheesy because it just never comes up.  He’s cartoonishly bad in a way that he’s less sinister than a meme.  Compare him to say,   Ridgeway from Colson Whitehead’s The Underground Railroad. One’s a sinister representation of an oppressive system and the other’s well, a joke.

Racism

How could this not be a theme?  The issue, as was shown with Lancaster, is that it isn’t even remotely handled with seriousness.  The best scene of racism is in the first episode when Tic, George, and Leti are forced to leave a Sundown county before they’re lynched by the racist sheriff.  The anticipation and animosity lead to some serious anxiety and it was a nailbiter.

But after that?  White people say “nigger.”  Then they get, I don’t know, raped or spit on or who knows.  A lot of black people talk back to the cops anyway in the 50′s and that’s cool.

But the real monsters of the series are all black people.  Let’s go through it: 

Tic brutalized women in the Korean War.

Montrose killed the two-spirit person.

Ruby rapes the shop owner.

Diane crushes Christina’s throat.

Ruby literally sheds her flesh in repeatedly gratuitous acts of the grotesque.

Even Ji-Ah, who’s not black, is a monster in the literal sense.  We do see the doctor that experimented on black people, but that’s about 5 minutes at the end of an episode that has a baby’s head on a man’s body so I was too busy laughing at the absurdity to take any real meaning from it.

The truth is, in Lovecraft Country, white people always should do their best to kill or keep black people down.  It definitely doesn’t speak at all to any togetherness or what have you.  Just, well. Magical negroes doing bad stuff because nothing can stop them.

The show misses the chances to show real horror in race.  Hell, the Tulsa Riots are reduced to a backdrop for a confusing book scene.  But then again, Emmett Till becomes a kind of empty reference point that we then see a white woman act out... for some reason? 

Again, the only characters with any chemistry are Ruby and Christina, which is very unfortunate for any number of reasons. As far as a statement that racism is bad goes, I mean. I barely saw it.  If I was a racist I’d be like hell yeah, Lovecraft was right they are dangerous.

Even when people try to indicate the horrors of it like, “Oh, the Korean War scenes are bad because we see how men are forced into the military complex!”  We didn’t see a white officer say “Shoot her, boy,” it was just two black guys killing women with no care at all. And no compeuppance, so that’s cool.

The Music

Sucks.  Thanks Peaky Blinders for making modern music over gif sets a thing.

Conclusion

I sure as hell would never watch it again.  If I can get one other person not to, then maybe it’d be worth it. It’s not a good show.  It’s not “smart,” and there’s no secret subversion in it.  It’s just... bad.

I won’t post on it anymore.  Please, in true Lovecraft fashion, trust me when I say that this show is so bad it cannot be comprehended. 

[missmentelle]

I just watched the Netflix show You and it's been discussed but I don't really understand - in a relationship, how does one project their own views and fantasies onto another person? How can you tell if it's happening? Is there a certain point where it's normal or it can't be helped? It's happened a lot in the show but I'm having trouble identifying it. Also, I recommend watching You: it's a thoughtful take on how we view romantic relationships as a society and how that can be twisted

I absolutely love that show.  For those of you who haven’t seen the thriller show “You”, it’s about a charismatic but underachieving man named Joe who works as the manager at a bookstore in Manhattan. He meets a young grad student named Beck when she comes into his bookstore one afternoon, and is immediately infatuated with her; he is completely consumed by his desire for a relationship with her, and it becomes clear very quickly that he’s willing to go to extreme lengths to make it happen.  (Mild spoilers for Season One ahead) Joe is obsessed with Beck from the moment he lays eyes on her. But of course, he’s not really obsessed with her - he is obsessed with the person that he wants her to be. He decides - based only on her clothes, the book she buys and a three-minute conversation with her - that she’s a bookish “good girl” and an intellectual, a serious writer who values real literature and doesn’t crave men’s attention. And he’s very interested in that. She’s his Manic Pixie Dream Grad Student, whether she likes it or not. It’s clear from the very beginning that Joe thinks extremely highly of himself, and he feels entitled to a woman who is just as intelligent and sophisticated as he is - when he looks at Beck, he decides that she’s that perfect girl he’s been waiting for all along. Moreover, he decides that she’s equally interested in him - she pays for her book with a credit card, and Joe decides that she did that because she intentionally wanted Joe to learn her full name. And of course, as Joe learns more about Beck, he discovers that she’s not the artsy, aloof writer he had been envisioning in his head. She goes out drinking with friends that Joe dislikes, she has a trashy boyfriend, she posts selfies on Instagram, and doesn’t actually do any writing. But instead of deciding “oh wow, I was super wrong about this girl, I definitely got carried away”, Joe decides that the REAL Beck is the girl he fantasized about in the bookstore, and that she just needs his help to realize it. He decides that he knows what’s best for a woman who is a complete stranger to him, deliberately manipulating her life to turn her into more of the person he wants her to be, until... well, you know how it ends. 

When you first start watching You, it can be hard to understand how messed-up Joe actually is. He is the main character of the show, and the narrator. He is also capable of great kindness - he genuinely cares for the neglected child who lives in an abusive household next door - and it kinda feels like we’re supposed to root for him. After all, he just wants what’s best for Beck. He sees who she really is inside, and he knows that she deserves better than the life she has right now. He just wants her to reach her full potential and stop wasting time with people who don’t really care about her... what could be so bad about that?

The problem, of course, is that Joe doesn’t know jack shit about Beck, and he has no right to decide what is and isn’t good for her. She is a grown-ass woman, and he is a stranger she met at a bookstore. Joe claims to have good intentions, but his intentions aren’t the point here - nobody has the right to meddle in someone else’s life behind their back, no matter how much they love and care about them. When you truly care about someone, you respect their choices - Joe has absolutely no respect for the decisions Beck makes, and sees no issues with isolating, stalking and terrorizing her if it gets him what he wants. Joe claims that Beck is miserable, but we don’t know actually know that - he filters everything he sees through a very thick lens of his own self-interest. He doesn’t allow her basic autonomy to choose what matters to her. Beck is not actually a real person to Joe - she is a prize that he wants to win.

Think about the show from Beck’s perspective - you’re an adult, with your own whole, complete life. You have friends, dreams, a boyfriend, guilty pleasures. You make bad choices sometimes, sure, but they are YOUR choices, and you have the freedom to make them. And then you walk into a shop one day and the man behind the counter suddenly decides that you’re his soulmate and it’s now his job to make decisions for you. You barely know this guy, but he thinks he has the right to control your life - he wants to control who you date, who you talk to, and how you spend your time. Imagine doing something as ordinary as paying for a book with your credit card, and having the person behind the counter interpret this as evidence that you want them to Google you and come to your house. The very idea of it is terrifying. 

The plot of You is obviously a huge dramatization, but the same dynamic does appear in real-life abusive relationships. Abusers often have very specific ideas about what their ideal partner should be like, and they believe - consciously or unconsciously - that they are “owed” this person. When they meet someone, they tend to decide extremely quickly that THIS is finally the person they’ve been waiting for all along. They don’t really feel the need to get to know the person as an individual - they assume that they already know everything they need to know about the person, and that the relationship will be effortless. When that inevitably doesn’t pan out because their partner is a real person with needs and flaws, they get angry and the abuse starts to come out - they try harder and harder to control their partner and force them back into being the perfect person they’d envisioned, and they lash out angrily when that doesn’t work. 

Although it’s nowhere near as extreme as what happened in You, I’ve had my own experiences with dating someone who was projecting their fantasies on me. My long-term college boyfriend was several years older than me, and already finished with grad school while I was still an undergrad. As the relationship went on, it became very clear that he was looking for a meek, nerdy girl who would appreciate his geek interests but never try to overshadow him. He strongly encouraged me to do the nerdy thing he approved of - cosplaying, attending conventions, playing D&D - but didn’t want me wearing makeup (I wear winged liner every day of my life), dyeing my hair strange colours (which I used to do quite often as a student) or even wearing my contact lenses instead of glasses (I got contacts the moment I was old enough and haven’t been seen in my glasses since). He was hugely threatened by the fact that I took my academics seriously, and he freaked out when I was accepted to an Ivy League grad school because “it would be so humiliating to have a girlfriend who went to a better school than I did”. He had a very specific vision of the kind of girlfriend he wanted to have, and he was prepared to try to stamp out the parts of me that didn’t align with what he wanted.  It’s okay to have standards and expectations for the kind of partner you want to have. That’s normal. I’d argue that it’s necessary. Speaking from personal experience, life is a lot easier when you expect your partners to have mastered basic communication and coping skills. And sometimes you will need to look for a partner who has very specific traits - if your dream is to have 12 children and live on a goat farm, you need to find a partner who is on board with that goal. It’s also fine to have preferences in terms of aesthetics, interests and lifestyles - we’re always going to have certain things that we find appealing, and it’s okay to be into that. What’s not okay is to have such rigid expectations about how our future partner will look, dress and behave that we can’t cope with not getting our exact fantasy. It’s fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring would be awesome. It’s not fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring is the answer to all your problems. And it’s definitely not fine to latch on to the first quirky art major with a nose ring that you can find, and then punish them when they turn out to be a complex human with real issues and not just a living doll. Whenever you’re dating, it’s important to remember that you are dating a real, live human, and not a cartoon character. They are going to grow and change, and they are going to have flaws, off-days and traits that don’t match up with your fantasies. Your punky goth girlfriend is going to have days where she just wants to lounge around the house in her pajamas and watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Your tough, manly lumberjack boyfriend might have a super sensitive gag reflex and spend an awful lot of time on the phone with his mom. We’re all weird, and each of us needs to have the freedom to be our own kind of weird in a relationship - if you find that your desire to be with someone is extremely dependent on their appearance, dress, weight, hobbies, friends, job, etc, and you can’t handle not having control over those things, you aren’t ready to date.  The other big red flag to look for here is how fast someone rushes the relationship. If you’re projecting your fantasies on someone, you don’t really feel much need to get to know them - like Joe, you’re pretty sure that you know everything that you need to know about them soon after meeting. You are fully expecting this person to be the fantasy partner you desire, and so there’s no point waiting to see how the relationship goes - within weeks, you’re ready to move in together, adopt a pet together, and even get engaged. If you’re convinced that a person you met three weeks ago is your soulmate, it’s time to stop and take a hard look at things - you don’t know a person you meet three weeks ago, and you have no idea if they’re your soulmate or not. You are trying to date a fantasy and not a real person.  Hope this answers your question! MM

[jessisvibing]

for the obscure asks: ALL OF THEM!

Oh gosh okay

1. Fave way to dress

Glam. Like Steve summers, Sami yaffa, and mark slaughter all had a child

2. If I could change anything about myself

Probably either my stomach or my face but perhaps i would just like a new self esteem

3. What movie/game/etc helps me calm down

Rock n roll high school

4. What does your room smell like?

Depends if I wanna use the hot chocolate candle, the marshmallow whatever it is candle or the one that reminds me of Disney.

5. Do you like to organize?

Oh heck I have to be organized or it bothers me.

6. What kind of music would you listen to if you could only choose one?

If we mean genre then perhaps 2000s Finnish rock. Or maybe 80s glam. But if we’re going for bands Poison and Pretty Boy Floyd never get old.

7. What song is your aesthetic?

MOONCHILD!!!

The song, the video, ALL OF IT!

8. What color do you think goes best with your personality?

Although my favorite color is green I’m usually associated with black or red.

I’ve been told if I was a color I was without a doubt the color black

9. Do you believe in auras?

Perhaps so.

10. What do you wish you hated but actually like?

Apulanta 😂

Well not really but it’s hard to explain them to people. I could probably name a few things but nothing comes to mind off the top of my head.

11. Vague about your crushes.

Well, he’s got the most beautiful eyes and voice and the warmest smile. I think he lives in France with his girlfriend so he’ll never like me but something about him just gives me a warm feeling. He has a message with his music and I just wish I could be like him. Is that too much to be vague?

This ones definitely been through a lot but I feel like I need to try and make a difference in his life. Frankie knows who he is cause I’ve told her this before but ever since I first discovered him I fell in love with him and most people don’t support that I like him but that’s okay. He’s funny to me and his music is comforting to me.

12. Is there someone you have mixed feelings towards?

It’s hard to pinpoint my emotions. Especially when I first meet people. Sometimes I just don’t know how I feel about one of my friends that I dated once. Do I love him or not? I’d like to know.

13. An Au or story I came up with.

I have a lot of crack stories about poison and Jekyll and Hyde I’ve yet to write. All I gotta say is cc’s insults give me life.

14. Do you like makeup?

I liked it better on me when my hair was long now I just don’t vibe with it but concealer has saved my life a few times. It’s just better on guys.

15. Do you prefer space or ocean?

Y’know it may come as a surprise but I’ve always kinda wanted to visit space. I absolutely love the stars and I’m kinda a space geek.

16. If I could pick any planet besides earth, where would I live?

I wanna say Uranus as a joke but on a serious note I think Venus or Mars would be neat.

17. What form of government do you like most?

Monarchy. It’s just easier than this american shit.

18. What animal would I keep as a pet?

Omg omg I always wanted a snow ermine🥰

19. What do you think the purpose of our universe is?

Well I’m a Christian so I could go deep into it but I’ll just leave it at that.

20. Do you believe in god(s)?

Yes if my last answer wasn’t obvious enough.

21. Is there a song you can’t handle listening to even tho I like it.

It was hard enough to get into this song but when I discovered why mark wrote it it’s hard not to cry when I hear it.

22. What ex do you miss most?

Well I wouldn’t quite say I miss any of them. I’m still best friends with my most recent. I feel like I haven’t found a great relationship yet. Sorry val babe.

23. Do you like soft fluffy rough or smooth blankets.

I have a fluffy one hanging on my bed frame haha.

24. What is your fave thing to learn about?

Hmm I love a lot of stuff, as much as finnish fascinates me I absolutely adore mythology.

25. What country’s history do you find most interesting?

I’ve been in too many American history classes to enjoy it anymore. The Finnish history is very neat to me.

26. What do you think about genderbent characters?

Heck I used to love them but now I’m neutral

Perhaps depends on the character.

27. What breakup was the hardest.

Oh none hit me very hard but my last boyfriend took it the worst I’d bet.

28. Do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend?

Still with Val. I just don’t know how to feel.

29. What do you think about tumblr discourse?

Ugh I came here to get away from it but as long as it’s sporadical and not constant I can put up with it.

30. What instrument do you wish you could master?

I’d just like to pursue bass decently rn, we’ll talk about that later.

One day I’ll drum hot for teacher. I just needa buy a better drum set. I guess just being able to play both instruments decently would be a blessing.

31. How easy is it for you to be honest?

As easy as it is to lie.

I’m very honest and trustworthy but I could also be the exact opposite.

32. Do you have any strange interests?

Oh god okay so while y’all are over here obsessing over guys hands I can’t help but look at their stomach like omg I just wanna lay on it while my man tells me how much he loves me.

It’s not weird but I love Finnish accents. Just less common to hear someone say that rather than English.

Well I could go on and list a lot of stuff but then again

33. Do you have any strange fears?

Peter steele 🤣

Obviously a joke but anyways

34. What food do you binge when you’re lazy?

Fries usually but I could eat pasta or fish sticks or rice galore.

35. When you get angry how do you show it?

Usually through cursing a lot but when I’ve got the hots for someone I curse a lot too. I speak more violently when I’m mad though I probably won’t act as violent as I sound. Don’t be afraid.

However as much as I say it I will gladly break your nose and you’d better believe it so it better not come to that point.

36. Do you have any impulsive movements?

Eh idunno but when I get bored I’ll put my index finger on my nose (up to about my eye. So if my hand is on my nose you better spice up the topic.) oh I also play with my hair when I get bored.

And if I get anxious it’ll be obvious. I’ve also been told when I get scared I have a death grip so if you try and work up my nerves just expect your hand to be broken 😝

37. What do you listen to music on?

That depends. If I want 80s music I’ll go to amazon, if it’s not on Amazon or I want something specific from Spotify then I go to YouTube. If I don’t know what I want or I want Finnish music I’ll go to Spotify.

38. Are you left brained or right brained?

I don’t think I have a brain. As much as my mom wants to tell me I’m left I seem to be more right brained.

39. Earbuds or headphones?

Ugh earbuds. I don’t like headphones unless I’m using my Walkman. Headphones are so 2010s/elementary school 😂

40. Do you like light blankets or heavy?

Meh light. I just don’t get the thing about heavy blankets. Plus they’re frustrating to get settled in.

Yay that was super fun! Thank you!!

[oliviasugarbabe]

i hope im not bothering you, but im a fandom writer and im greatly interested in the sugar baby lifestyle, so i was hoping to ask a few questions! is the stereotypical lifestyle of a sugar baby exaggerated or is it genuinely like that for some? is there something that most people don’t understand about with the relationship and what goes on, or is it as simple as it is portrayed in the media? do you have any tips when writing about being a sugar baby? thank you very much, i appreciated it! 💓

Not at all babe! I haven’t made a post like this yet so let me just write out a whole response about this stuff! I have lots to say to bear with me haha. I know you’re asking for your writing but I get constant questions about if sugaring is really this easy great glamorous thing from those thinking about doing it so I’m just gonna cover it all. 

 Yes the stereotypical lifestyle of a sugar baby is exaggerated, it’s not as simple as hopping on an app and getting a date with a reasonably attractive older man who will shower you with money and gifts for nearly nothing in return. I always tell girls this! It looks more like being active on multiple apps/sites and/or freestyling. It looks like hours upon hours on your phone perfecting your profiles, chatting with men who often will be time-wasters with no intention of spoiling you, and tons of dates with time-wasters too. Also, hours of screening men to make sure they’re legit. An insane amount of grooming yourself. Nails, hair, waxing/shaving, teeth whitening, exfoliating, moisturizing, soft feet, gym, perfume, makeup, cute lingerie, not getting the tattoo you want, even perhaps fillers and plastic surgery (I have tattoos and no surgery and I’m not skinny, but I know I’m giving up lots of rich older traditional men by looking this way) Having a spreadsheet to keep track of the lies you tell to each man (honestly that part is fun for me tho) and just way more work than you’d think from the popular stereotype. 

Lots of men won’t give you the money you want, and it can take a long time to find a guy who will and you might not even like him. Sugaring also includes fucking old, wrinkly men like a porn star and 100% making them think you love it. They’ll do weird shit like lick your whole face and you gotta pretend that’s fine too. These are rich, often white, privileged men from a generation and brotherhood that often look down on women and you have to fake the correct personality with each one. Can you drop everything to travel with him? Can you come up with a lie for your parents/roommates/friends? Can you say “no” to bareback sex in a cute way? Answer his call/text when you’re in bed and just wanna be left alone with Netflix? Ask for money without being nervous? Can you keep the conversation going on a date if he’s boring and awkward as hell? Giggle when he shits on your generation and other women? Not feel guilty about his wife he’s cheating on? Lie to everyone you know? Read on the internet about how disgusted some people are about what you do for money? Be seen with him in public? Be spotted by someone you know? Sure, these things are technically optional; you can just refuse every man who isn’t perfect, but a lot of women on here are afraid to talk about the fact that when you’re doing this because you need money, there are often tradeoffs and boundaries crossed in order to get paid, because that’s what sex work often is. I think it’s glamorized a lot and that ultimately hurts sex workers. I need breaks sometimes when I can’t take it anymore and I don’t have a current “main” daddy. Sex work has also done serious damage to my desire to EVER be in a normal relationship with a man, get married, or have kids. I already pretty much hated men but now I hate them more lmao. 

Lastly, like any sex worker, you perhaps will have to live with the constant risk of being outed to your family and friends, and the risk of having one of these men do something horrible to you. 

But yes, some girls DO live that lifestyle we dream of but it’s rare and hard to find and these women are often models or at least look like ones, live in the right cities, have the right connections, etc and just have access to that shit in ways that I don’t and many women don’t. Privilege still shows its face in the sugar bowl! Truthfully, there’s generally, for most of us, more money in escorting. Way more payoff for your time. I’d rather just have sex and leave with my hourly rate than spend all this time and energy being a whole girlfriend most of the time if I’m being honest. 

As for what the relationships are like, refer to the details above lol! Aside from that I should say I’ve had some good relationships but they’re men like any other. I deal with neediness, clinginess, condescension, etc a lot. They’ll flake on dates. Resist spending money just when you thought they might be a serious daddy. And again, it’s not just about being young and attractive. You usually also have to be interesting, smart but not too smart, sexy but not slutty, fuck like a porn star, confident, and sometimes, not show much that you’re a real person. Like, you can cry in front of a real boyfriend. If you cry in front of your sugar daddy, you might get dropped like a hot potato. You know what I mean? Be a perfect girl on his arm, or he’ll find someone else. Some daddies are good men sure and not like this, but still, lots of sugar daddies are part of a certain lifestyle and attitude and they expect something specific in return for their money. 

Lastly, writing about sugaring and sex work is something I do for fun and to be a part of my own community and to give honest word about sex work. I think that writing about sex work is best left to sex workers. Fandom writing is fun and harmless tho! If you’re gonna write about us, you made a good start finding someone who is actually in that world to ask about it! Sex workers write books and blogs about this life and I recommend finding them. There are a lot of inaccurate, shitty, harmful portrayals of us out there and I hope you do whatever you can to not contribute to that! Although....if you’re writing a sexy fanfic or something I feel like it’s fine either way cause I’ve gotten hot and bothered by all kinds of severely problematic wattpad stories and such so like. Anyways, if you want me to keep helping you, you can DM me and I’ll answer your random writing questions. I understand completely why people are drawn to writing about sugar baby lifestyles, it’s just not always what they wanna hear. I hope your piece comes out good! I’d love to read it if you wanna share eventually! 

[monotonous-minutia]

How would you like your favorite opera to be staged ideally? (I went off in a Così post and now I need to know the deep opinions about everyone’s favs). Thank you!!

thanks, this is great!

I did a post on Don Carlo a while ago and how I’d stage it so this time I’m going to talk about my other favorite opera, Martha, oder der Markt zu Richmond. It’s very obscure so I’ll start with a brief description of the opera. 

It’s a German comic opera about a lady-in-waiting, Harriet, who is super bored with her rich life and decides to go to the fair dressed like a maid with her best friend, Nancy, and a knight, Tristam, who’s in love with her (she does not reciprocate his feelings). At the fair they meet two brothers, Lyonel and Plumkett. Lyonel was was taken in by Plumkett’s family when his mysterious father basically dropped him off at the front step, said “He’s yours now” and then died. Now Plumkett’s parents have died as well and they just inherited the farm and have no clue what they’re doing. So they go to the fair to buy some maids and come across Harriet (who calls herself Martha) and Nancy, who unwittingly sell themselves into servitude because they think it’s all a joke. Well, they get taken to the boys’ farmhouse and naturally they all fall in love with each other by bonding over household chores. Lyonel asks Harriet to marry him and she laughs in his face and he immediately overreacts because Tenor. The boys go to sleep and then Tristam comes and rescues the girls and the boys wake up and find them gone and are super depressed. An ambiguous amount of time later, Plumkett bumps into Nancy in town and she’s on the hunt and she pretends not to recognize him and gets her fellow huntresses to chase him off. Meanwhile, Lyonel is depressed and listless and wandering around and proceeds to sing one of the most famous tenor arias of all time, “Ach, so fromm” (look it up, you’ll probably recognize the tune); the fame of which SHOULD be enough to integrate this opera into common repertory, but alas that is not the case. Anyway, of course at this very moment Harriet is also wandering around in the exact same spot and bumps into Lyonel who instantly recognizes her but is confused as to why she is dressed so fancy. Harriet freaks out and also pretends not to know him and calls for help. Tristam comes and, seeing his rival in love, calls for all the available Big Strong Men to come and save Harriet. Everything gets out of control and Lyonel winds up arrested and is humiliated when he realizes who Harriet actually is. Turns out, though, that his deceased father was a Count and when Harriet finds this out she goes back to him saying they can get married now without backlash because he’s of a higher station. He rejects her because he thinks she only wants him because he’s a count and also he renounces his title. Harriet decides to dress up as Martha again to convince him that she still loves him and is willing to leave all her wealth behind to be with him. Meanwhile, Plumkett and Nancy sing an absolutely delightful love duet. Harriet sets up the farmers’ backyard to look like the fair where she and Lyonel met and he meets her out there and she renounces her title and asks if he will still marry her and he agrees. And Plumkett and Nancy get together too and it’s all just adorable. 

Okay so that wasn’t really brief but. Moving on.

I absolutely love this opera because the story is so original and fun, the libretto is ingeniously witty, and the music is fantastic, intricately portraying the comic but making sure to take the more sober parts seriously. ALSO, Flotow was using leitmotif before it was cool. But that is another rant altogether.

There is a film based on this opera that is actually really spot-on, but I’ll talk a little about my vision for this opera too. I’ve actually been curating it since I was thirteen and first heard this opera.

First off, I think I would have the sets and costumes be historically accurate. This opera is pretty straightforward and I don’t see the need to fancify anything with elaborate or weird sets and costumes. Plus, it being more obscure, I think it helps to keep things simple so the audience doesn’t get lost wondering what’s accurate and what’s interpretation.

The fair scene would be so much fun. It’s pretty obvious that the maids who are selling their services are, in fact, looking for boyfriends, and the farmers purchasing their services are, in fact, looking for girlfriends. Which makes it all the more ridiculous that Lyonel and Plumkett have no idea what’s going on. They’re just looking for maids while everyone else is looking to get laid.So there’s this whole chorus where the maids are saying what all they can do and in the libretto there is so. much. subtext that they’re not actually talking about washing linens and knitting and making beds, they’re talking about using the beds in a specific way...you get the picture. So there would be some suggestive body language and a LOT of flirting. And the maids would be primping and preening, and the farmers would be straightening their hats and smoothing down their hair, etc., and it’d all just be ridiculous. The Sheriff would be rolling his eyes the entire time because he a) wants to get this over with and b) wishes people would take their responsibilities more seriously. 

One thing about this opera is that, though it’s pretty short compared to a lot of others (it’s just under 2 hours--more if the scenes that are often cut are left in), but some of the numbers are long and repetitive while others are very fast-paced. So it would need to be staged carefully so that when the 2-verse duet stretches for like 5 minutes, they’re not just standing their the entire time. For example, when they first get to the farmhouse the boys are telling the girls for about 3 minutes that they’re home and will wake up early the next morning, and the girls spend an equal amount of time freaking out. I’d put some movement in here--Plumkett goes around lighting the lanterns, checking the doors, etc., while Lyonel stands awkwardly watching the girls as they huddle frozen in fear and then at the end Plumket turns and sees Lyonel doing absolutely nothing to help out and is supremely annoyed. After that a lot of the action is pretty well laid out in the libretto and I wouldn’t really need to add much because it moves along so quickly. Then there’s the duet between Lyonel and Harriet where he freaks her out with his Mad Tenor Passion and she sings a song to get him to shut up and then he professes his love for her and asks her to marry him and it all goes downhill. The song itself is kind of grim, and it’s sandwiched between these two duets that start lighthearted and then get serious when Harriet realizes “Oh, wow, my words can actually hurt someone, this is new information” and Lyonel goes “MY LIFE IS OVER THE WOMAN I JUST MET ISN’T IN LOVE WITH ME” so it’d have to be a careful balance of making sure the comic and dramatic elements are given equal weight. That’s kind of true for the whole opera.

An image I want to really utilize strongly is the rose. The song Harriet sings to Lyonel is “The Last Rose of Summer” but the librettist’s translation focuses more on death than the original poem which I find fascinating. Right before the song Lyonel takes Harriet’s “nosegay” that she had as part of her Martha costume and teases her with it, saying he’ll only give it back if she sings to him. My hot take: there’s a rose in her bouquet. He takes it when he takes the bouquet. She sees it and it’s what inspires her to sing this song. He takes it back when she rejects him and keeps it to remember her by when she runs away. He’s singing to it when he stumbles upon her in town. He drops it in the mayhem and she picks it up. She takes it with her and gives it to him when she goes to his house to try and win him back. He throws it in her face. When they split Nancy finds it on the floor, and then gives it to Harriet when she’s waiting for Lyonel to come out and find her dressed as Martha. She gives it to him when she renounces her station and pledges her love to him and he takes it and it ends with them both holding on to it.

One of my favorite things about this opera is the Nancy/Plumkett relationship and I absolutely do not want it to get swept to the side because a) mezzo/baritone couples need all the love and b) they have one of the greatest comic love duets in operatic history and I will fight anyone who argues that point. So I’d really want to make sure that stays as a big part of the plot. The libretto and music is so great at portraying the sweet, awkward feelings they have towards each other and I want the staging to reflect that. Also Plumkett totally learns his lesson: he tries to subordinate Nancy when he finds her in town and demands that she find her place, and she retaliates by sicking her huntresses on him and they chase him away. After that he has nothing but mad respect. He forgives her much more quickly than Lyonel forgives Harriet. Because though he is gruff and stern he’s a sucker at heart. One thing I’ll have to think more on is what happens right before their duet in the finale, when they come out of the kitchen after hiding there during the Lyonel/Harriet confrontation. Do they come out standing awkwardly distant from each other because they spent the last seven minutes silently twiddling their thumbs and eavesdropping? Or are they ruffled because they utilized much of that time to make out? Maybe it’s ambiguous, like Plumkett goes into the kitchen wearing a jacket and when he comes back out with Nancy he’s not wearing it anymore and we see who notices.

Also: Tristam is gay. Undebatable. He just thinks he’s in love with Harriet because that’s what’s expected. So he will possess all the stereotypes. He will be Extra and he will have the Gay Hands and Gay Eyebrows and all that. They will give him a flower crown at the fair. He will continue to wear it because he secretly likes it. He will be oblivious to the charm of the maids and instead become keenly interested in one of the farm hands. 

aaaaaaaanyway not sure if any of that makes sense because I ramble and talk in circles and also most people don’t know this opera. But I thank you for the ask and hope that it brings a little enjoyment into your day. It definitely saved me from some fuming. Thank you!!

[blodreina-noumou]

question: how sexist do you think the show is? I used to think it used to be the height of feminism (I was a dumbass) but I want your opinion on what it does wrong, etc because as time goes on the way the narrative treats female characters is disturbing to say the least, at least to me

Be kind to yourself, anon - at one point, I do think this show was pretty good in terms of representing women in a diverse, positive way. While not “the height of feminism” (which is a tricky thing to pin down anyway,) the early seasons featured a range of women of all ages, abilities, races, and most sexual orientations. 

Back in 2014, when it premiered, I think it was actually doing pretty good work at not only featuring these female characters, but making sure that their storylines included agency and motivations that went beyond what the men in their lives wanted/needed.

But the show has slipped a lot since then. Not only have our standards lifted, but the writing itself has taken a serious dive, and season six was the lowest point so far, for me. If we look at the way the female characters’ motivations have changed from season to season, it’s clear that, at some point, the writers kind of forgot that these women have agency and conflicting motivations, and don’t just exist to prop up the missions of the men or children in their lives.

In s1 and s2, Clarke was all about making firm choices and sticking with them. She was motivated by the safety of her friends and the rest of The Hundred, and a general impulse to “do the right thing.” No one single person or role compelled her - she was flexible and realistically able to fit into leadership positions, rebellion stoking, and squad commander. Although she was backed into a corner, it still felt as though her choices were hers.

In s5 and s6, Clarke is a “mama bear” driven into a illogical frenzy at the thought of her adoptive daughter being put into any sort of danger whatsoever, despite that being a reality of the world when one actually has to interact with people. Her decisiveness becomes impulsiveness, and her motivations are drained of all their complexity. It just becomes “Madi, Madi, Madi,” with no room for anyone else, and even less room for flexibility. She’s one-note, now. By giving her exactly one motivation in her life, one singular person to focus all of her affection and need to protect on, she’s been stripped of all of her complexity and agency. This is made even worse by the fact that she spent half the season on ice, essentially dead to the world, while her body was inhabited by the most charming lil sociopath this show has ever seen - one Josephine Lightbourne. A character who should have been a refreshing return to that kind of complexity, but falls flat for her own reasons. 

In s6 we’re introduced to one of the most interesting characters in The 100 universe. A cunning, cutthroat, cold young woman with a cheery disposition and enough cleverness to kill a cat with a smile. Josie has been alive, on some level, for hundreds of years. She’s seen untold violence, and has become a greedy, selfish, cruel woman because of it. You would think that this kind of person’s return to life in this universe would’ve been earth-shattering - that she would’ve had some sort of epic, evil plan, motivated by the need to grab more and more power for herself. But what did Josie really, truly want in the end, more than anything? To reunite with her ex-boyfriend and body-snatch until the end of time, so she could stay with him, forever and ever. She was motivated, at the end of the day, purely by her romantic feelings for a man.

That’s disappointing to me. Especially because, in the latter half of the series, everyone’s motivations, but especially the women’s, end up coming down to one person - a person who is dependant on them for affection/comfort/softness/love, etc. Basically, everyone has now been hamstrung by their inability to focus on anything other than one person. And for each of the women, that’s often meant taking on the role of supportive girlfriend/mother, rather than having agency and goals of her own.

Other examples - Emori was a background character for most of season six, basically Harper Mcintyre’d, right up until her necessary betrayal of Josephine and Murphy becomes relevant to the plot. Echo was sidelined by her longterm romantic partner, ending up in serious danger, while he gallivanted off making googly eyes at his (old??) best friend, and this was treated as perfectly acceptable. Raven has been reduced to nagging shrew, and was also more or less set dressing until she become plot relevant to Madi’s story. Madi herself was the literal meat puppet of a creepy dude controlling her brain. Abby lived just long enough to make a meaningful sacrifice as a grandmother and then died. And so on.

I think that, as the series went on, and more and more characters and set dressings and crazy scenarios were added, the writers had to simplify character motivations and story arcs. If you just compare everything Raven went through and had to do in s2 (losing use of her leg; learning to use a brace; her romance with Wick; cracking the Mt Weather radios; figuring out how to stop the acid fog; watching her first love die; dealing with her grief; getting seriously wounded again at the end of the season, etc,) with what she had to do in s6 (work on a motorcycle; chastise Ryker for being a body-snatcher; watch Abby die; save Madi from Sheidheda) - it’s clear that the writers have shelved certain characters for the sake of others.

And what ate up the most time this season? The story of the Lightbournes, which is ultimately, yet again, a story about how a small group of people are solely motivated by protecting only each other, even if at the cost of everyone else. Specifically, Josephine is motivated by wanting to protect Gabriel from death forever, and her parents (particularly Russell) are motivated by making her happy, whatever the cost.

A cautionary tale for our OG heroes? Maybe, but it sure didn’t feel that way during the season.

The weird flipside of this is the way Bellamy and Russell existed purely for women in this season. Bellamy wanted nothing but to save Clarke, Russell wanted nothing but to save Josephine. But the difference is that, even within their singularly-focused motivations, Bellamy and Russell still had agency, and they both ended up making more decisions for the women in their lives than those women made for themselves. They moved the plot around the women, who simply had no choice but to react accordingly.

I think the show is trying to not be sexist, but in its current bloated state, it’s gotten really lazy, and the writers have lost sight of the complexity and characterization that made s1-s3 more impactful. I think JRoth and Co are probably bored with this universe - that’s why s6 was such an insane leap in tone, setting, and world-building.

And I think, like most human beings, they’ve allowed themselves to get comfortable with what they’ve already achieved. Unfortunately, the “good representation” aspect of this show has suffered a lot for it.

The short answer is: on a “how sexist” scale from 1-10, with 1 being “super sexist” and 10 being “not sexist at all” - we started at an 8, now we’re at about a 4. The show has done better. It will probably never do better again.

[jfg22]

The more I read into asexuality. The more I realize I’m asexual af. I’m definitely demisexual and graysexual more specifically. Also hearing my friend’s friend talk about her kinks is like whoa I have never felt more asexual because I’m not interested at all in talking about sex or kinks.

I have spent numerous time in a male strip club thinking I am in no way sexually attractive to men in that setting. Sure they are aesthetically pleasing but I wasn’t thinking I want to get to know any of them better. Yet I’ve been to a female strip club and I’m aroused but also weirded out because I respect women and I don’t know what is the level of inappropriate touching in that setting. In addition, to this I also find some transwomen and transmen beautiful af. In fact, I have made out with a transwomen and I also made out with lesbians. That being said I find certain cis-hetero men and cis-women attractive but....that doesn’t mean I necessarily mean I want to have sex with them. 

And yes I’ve had a boyfriend but I’ve no interest in having one at the moment. I have no interest in having sex with anyone right now. Not even with myself! I need some semblance of bond, attraction etc. I remember having sex with my ex boy-friend and towards the end of the relationship I wasn’t even remotely sexually aroused. I also had a lot of male hookups but I didn’t really care to have a relationship with them because they were kind of assholes.  

I always thought what is wrong with me but maybe I’m just me. Pansexual, asexual hot mess of a person. lol. I tried dating apps and I can’t say that I found myself attracted to many people. I thought maybe they’re cute but that doesn’t mean I wanted to jump the gun and have sex with random people. There was one I liked but he didn’t like me back enough because he ghosted me. The other one was semi-attractive but in the long run I can’t say that I cared to be a relationship with him either. He was just sort of vanilla and boring. I’m fairly certain I can’t be with another white guy again... unless he’s some sort of other race. For the record my ex was Polish American. I always have this hang up of oh god does he like me? Or am I fulfilling some sort of a weird Latina fetish this white guy has? Meaning does he think I’m girlfriend material or he thinks i’m good enough to fuck and that’s it. Maybe I’ve had bad experiences with white American males but you get my point. It’s just psychologically exhausting to deal with that shit. And I don’t want to deal with that again. At least I knew from my ex that he loved me for who I was at the time we were together. I remember he was my friend before I developed feelings for him. 

It should be noted that I’m generally picky as fuck. Meaning I like what I like. I find dark hair attractive and dark eyes. Generally don’t find blue or green eyes attractive in the least bit or blonde or red hair for that matter. Science says you like people genetically similar. I myself have dark hair and eyes by the way. I generally think some Asian men are hot as fuck. Maybe because I hooked up with a Filipino guy who looked like an Asian Joseph Gordon Levitt but shit when my friend said we looked similar I didn’t see it until she pointed it out. Also I spoke to him long enough to be like oh we have things in common this is cool! Again....bonding. Which also explains why my love language is quality time AND physical touching comes second. 

I had a sort of one night stand but I had already been talking to him for awhile before we hooked up. He dumped me but looking back I didn’t like him in the long run because he came back around and I thought he was needier than I was. I’m needy for the record so there can only be room for one needy-ish in a relationship! In my defense after therapy I am not as needy as before....I can’t say this with certainty for the mere fact that I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long ass time. Like I don’t even know how long ago that was... maybe 10 years ago? smeh.

As I look back I can’t say I’m into hooking up either. Yes I had a few guys I found sexually attractive but this was only after we bonded on some level. So before you go on thinking I’m a slut or weird....know that I can count all the men I’ve slept with on one hand. Also the idea of dating 2 people at the same time is kind of repulsive to me for some reason. I’m not ruling it out or judging people who do but it’s not my style for sure.

In terms of sexual attraction things I find attractive are arbitrary. Yes I find dark hair and dark eyes attractive, but that doesn’t mean I can’t like a guy with hazel eyes. My ex had hazel eyes and light brown hair btw. Also I know I say I like tall guys but I’ve had sex with guys who are shorter and in no way doesn’t that mean I rule out anyone below 6 feet tall. As long as they are an inch taller than me I’m ok with that. And here is where it gets arbitrary as fuck. I have made out with lesbians who have dark hair and fair skin but I made out with a black trans women. Again I’m not ruling gender expression out. I definitely not interested in dating apps of any kind. I noticed I’m more productive when I’m not in a relationship.

Also I am not interested in getting married or having kids. I know women my age are either dying to get married or are married with kids. I can’t say I’m the type of person that was planning their wedding dress since I was a little girl. Definitely not ruling it out the possibility but, I’m not in a rush to get married by a certain age. In fact, I’d be happy just finding someone who isn’t an asshole and treats me right. It’s funny one of cis-hetero female friends asks me if I”m every having kids and my answer has always been the same. Maybe I haven’t met the right person, but I honestly can’t say I have my biological clock ticking telling me to have a child anytime soon. The idea of having one is daunting af. As a survivor of sexual abuse, all the racist and transphobic/homophobic shit that’s been going on my entire life I can honestly say I think it’s rather sadistic to bring a child into this world. Not to mention the fact that global warming will fuck up the planet and I’m not sure if that’s going to be reversible but rather just extend our quality of life for a few years. People are assholes. I’ve been hurt many times. I’m sure I’ve hurt people too not even meaning to. I have no desire to bring a child into this hell hole we call a planet. 

On a more positive note, I’m perfectly happy being single. When I think of the future potential relationship. I want someone to love me unconditionally. Someone kind, open minded, tolerant of my LGBTQ friends/family, (I can’t be dating no transphobes or homophobes, the only phobia permitted is germophobia!) generous to others (not just myself), thoughtful, humble, attractive by my standards. Mostly someone who will be there for me till one of us dies. Someone who sticks around even when life gets hard. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes. And I know for a fact I can get that. It’s not even the law of attraction it’s just a certainty that I know within myself that I will be with someone of a different ethnic race than mine. I’d also like to have 2 cats and a cute little puppy. Preferably one that looks like a little fuzzy brown stuffed bear. I’d like to have a cute cozy house. I don’t desire a mansion. I need someone who isn’t going to be a little pretentious fuck and is okay with not having the most expensive bullshit because in the long run that doesn’t matter. I know I am a writer and I can live off that eventually. I just need to buckle down and finish my shit which is taking longer than anticipated. I procrastinate writing several things (like this post.hehe) but also I like reading things to make me a better writer. That being said maybe I’m not as weird as I thought I’m just fantastically pansexual, asexual, unique af. Happy Pride month y’all! 

To my LGBT friends and people reading this, I love you and desire that one day we can live in a world where you no longer have to fear for your safety and people will love and respect you for who you are regardless of how you identify or who you are attracted to. I have faith that the younger generation will be more tolerant than past generations. I hope to instill that in my nieces. I remember I used to have a shirt that said “Labels are for jars and you are not a jar.” I don’t remember what happened to it but I can honestly say that always stuck with me. 

Today is my best friends birthday and 8 days ago it was my cousin’s birthday and I can honestly say that I have loved them regardless of what anyone says about them. And I will stand up proudly for them if anyone starts saying transphobic/homophobic shit. I will love them and respect them until the day I die. (Hopefully that won’t be anytime soon). I am blessed to have them both in my life and teach me to be more mindful of what is going on in the world. And an overall better human being. I take the life lessons they teach me with me for the rest of my life and hope that I can be of somewhat comfort to them in knowing that regardless of what happens to us they will never lose that love, appreciation and respect I have for them. 

[purrpickle]

Random Pezberry Thought of the Day #353

A/N: This is another long @thedeadflag and me headcanon waterfall/exercise/ramble (at least on my part). It’s full of FEELS and I think worth sharing. 

(And if you STILL haven’t read thedeadflag’s stuff, do it! Do it now! Here’s a handy dandy link: thedeadflag’s AO3. You won’t be disappointed. She’s amazing!)

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purrpickle sent a post Person A an...

otp-imagines-cult: 

Person A and Person B break up. One day, months after this, Person A goes out and sees person B wearing an article of clothing A got them on the last birthday they spent together. 

This made my heart hurt. ...And then I immediately thought of you. What does that say about our headcanoning/discussions? XD But seriously! This hurts, and makes my fic mind spin.

thedeadflag 

Being more than a little tactile and always complaining about needing someone warm under her, Rachel gets Santana a big super comfy and warm scarf (one that could double as a blanket in a pinch) that she agonized and spent weeks researching, knowing Santana was picky about her clothes (not to mention Rachel being super unsure regarding her fashion sense when it comes to Santana, because of their history around that particular topic, even despite Santana's reassurances since shortly before getting together that Rachel no longer dressed herself like the wet fantasy of a creepy Japanese business man with a very specific fetish). They spend the last part of Santana's birthday with that scarf splayed around them, among other blankets, and it more or less becomes something Santana wears when she's cold and missing Rachel, a turn of events that just completely makes Rachel's heart sing at the sentimentality (she pens a song about it that Santana wishes wasn't hideously disastrous, but she indulges Rachel regardless whenever the diva wants to sing it to her so long as it's in private). 

Flash forward two years later, about a year after they've parted ways, and Rachel's reading a tabloid on Saturday between her matinee and night-time performances on stage when she spots an article full of pap photos of celebs in New York after a major cold front rolled through the city in the winter. Her heart climbs up her throat at the sight of Santana. Santana, freshly broken up with some up-and-coming singer in a rock band, not that she paid an aching level of attention to her ex girlfriend, ex-best friend, and current distant friend who always seems to be busy, and who is only ever really available for brief FaceTime or Skype calls. 

Santana, who is walking through Central Park in the photo, on the same path they'd spent much of their first date on. Santana, who is weARING HER SCARF

purrpickle

And god, nausea just pushes up her throat - the kind like her throat's strangling and her stomach's rolling because of the sheer visceral reaction to seeing something incredibly life rocking - and she has to pour over the picture, convince herself that it IS the same scarf, not just a similar one, and she sits back, suddenly numb, limbs heavy. It had to have been deliberate, didn't it? Their first date, THEIR scarf... Rachel scrubs her hand over her face, truly confused, a mixture of old, buried bewilderment of how things had gone so wrong and hurt and awareness and something she'd long thought had unkindled out of her - a spark of yearning, what-ifs pounding through her head, racing, her hands trembling a little as she pulls her warmed mug of coffee, previously too hot to touch but now her fingers didn't care - it felt good and the slight plain anchored her - close. 

Staring at Santana's face, scrutinizing her neutral expression for ANYTHING, but getting no answers, she's only snapped out of her fog by her first alarm, alerting her she needed to start getting ready if she didn't want to be late for her habitual arrival an hour before she needed to be ready, and she decides, taking a deep, deep breath, forcing herself to close the magazine so it wouldn't blare out of her like a beacon each time she glanced in the table's direction, that she'll figure out how to feel later. And even if she had a decision to make in the first place.

*shares Katy Perry’s song Save as Draft*

thedeadflag

:O i know that song! And it definitely fits that AU and now I'm riding a wave of angst

purrpickle

You're welcome.

It's the lines: I still have the same phone number and we've both grown but I don't know (paraphrasing, of course) that really get to me and that AU.

thedeadflag

absolutely. Like, the fact that so much has changed, but that same line of communication remains as when you were together...makes it all that much easier to remember back, to succumb to the urge to reconnect, to feet the same waves of emotions you felt when things broke off, etc.

purrpickle

Also, like, Rachel doesn't want to make the attempt to reach out, rekindle things... And have Santana practically laugh in her face. That's the worst feeling of all.

So her number's the same, always has been, so if Santana really wanted to reach out, like that photo suggests, why didn't she?

thedeadflag

mmhmm 

Meanwhile, it's so similar with Santana. She's been just mowing through women since Rachel, and none of them hold a candle to the diva. And she just keeps trying, desperate to find someone who could make her feel like Rachel did, but there's just been heartache after heartache. But she's scared to reach out after their final big fight when things ended. Even though she knows with 99% certainty that one of Rachel's throwaway remarks about her being heartless was just a heat of the moment, slightly alcohol fueled remark from the diva, she can't help but call into question whether Rachel really thought that was true the whole time, whether Rachel hadn't really felt or believed her love for her. And Rachel's seemed so happy lately, so upbeat, and she's been miserable, and reaching out only to have those fears confirmed would be devastating.

purrpickle

My heartttttttt. 

And, like, maybe that day Santana had been walking that stretch of Central Park INDULGING that heart ache, having only just happened to brush her hand across that scarf she can't ever put away, even if a relationship gets semi-serious (before breaking almost immediately). She'd stared at it, hands helplessly feeling how soft and warm it was, Santana's eyes sliding towards her bedroom window to see how cold and blustery it looked outside. And maybe she'd wrapped it around her neck, heart skipping a beat as she smelled the faintest hint of what Rachel had always smelled like, and maybe, the scarf so noticeable around her neck, she'd, for the first time in years since traveling that path almost religiously for months after they'd broken up, just HOPING that she'd run into Rachel and they could have... maybe... worked things out..., taken the turn after meeting for lunch with her assistant. She'd tried to school her face impassible, tightening the scarf around her as the wind blew, almost laughing bitterly at herself for forgetting her gloves again, shoving her hands deep into her pockets as she remembered how Rachel used to chide her about that, taking Santana's hands in hers or pulling Santana's hand into her own coat pocket, gloved hand squeezing her tightly.

thedeadflag

 *gif of Emma Stone crying and eating ice cream*

purrpickle

She hadn't even noticed the paparazzi that day, trying desperately not to show what it felt like to know the bench where she and Rachel had had their first kiss at was coming up.

thedeadflag

Yep, definitely too deep in her "conceal" mode and her memories to realize anyone was following/watching her, for sure. Just thinking with every stinging heartbeat that this was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake. Because Rachel wasn't there, and the weather outside couldn't begin to compete with the bitter chill of loneliness and longing her walk down memory lane brought her

And for the rest of the week, she's haunted by the songs Rachel would softly sing when they'd get in from the cold and make their way up to the loft. And it's like whiplash, all those happy, loving memories with the renewed doubts that any of it was as real as she thought it was, as she felt it was back then.

purrpickle

Her footsteps had started to slow as she approached the bench... But with a sharp shake of her head she'd sped up and left it behind, telling herself she was stronger than she had been after the breakup when she'd sit at the bench and cry behind a magazine, hoping against hope that Rachel's warm, smaller body would settle down next to her, arms sliding around her and pulling her head to her chest.

It probably doesn't help that Rachel had been in a high profile, supposedly very serious and romantic, happy relationship for almost two years about a year after their breakup, with rumors that he was going to propose any time now until they had suddenly broken up. Santana didn't like to listen to rumors, knowing her own got out of hand, but it had still hurt. Because she'd been thinking about a wedding in the future - had ALWAYS been thinking a wedding was in the future once their relationship had settled and grown and became real, more REAL than any other relationship Santana had had. And the grapevine had said it was Rachel's boyfriend who had broken up with her, so it probably meant that Rachel had been ready and capable, definitely capable, of moving on. Sure, Rachel wasn't dating anyone currently, only casually here and there, and it had been a while since that serious relationship, but Santana couldn't help worrying that... That she wasn't needed. That Rachel had completely released her from her mind.

thedeadflag

i'm dying here !!! Ugh, the feels

purrpickle

Really, this is a LOT of feels. It's so gooood while it hurts, too. XD

(You know, I was thinking, and it's okay if your addition contradicts this, I just wanted to get it down, but: what if Rachel was actually the one who broke up with her boyfriend and let him say he was the one who did? Because she was happy, but she wasn't AS happy as she knew she could have been. And maybe he DID actually propose, but she turned him down, and that's what led to their breakup.)

(She's never told anyone.)

(Not even her closest friends. The only person she DID almost tell, who she WANTED to tell, was Santana. But she didn't.)

(It hurt too much. And they were over, weren't they?)

(She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to admit who it was she still thought of. Too vulnerable. Too easy to hurt.)

thedeadflag

that's actually pretty much what I was going to add on, that Rachel was the one that couldn't go through with a bigger relationship commitment after Santana, because it never felt right, felt like enough. But she'd feel guilty enough to let the guy save face and say he dumped her. And she'd struggle with the urge to run to Santana to vent about the whole situation, because it was simply too much for her to handle reasonably well on her own, but she couldn't. Not when Santana had been the benchmark she'd measured him against, not when she and Santana were long since over with, not when they'd lost that best friends-style emotional intimacy long ago after their break-up. Even if Santana was the only one she would feel comfortable telling in theory, she couldn't, not when it was already super uncomfortable and exhausting and distressing to confront that she still thought of Santana. Not with all the distance carved between them since they'd split. Distance they pretended wasn't there, but was clear to anyone who cared to look.

purrpickle

What if... What if this is the first time other than directly succeeding their break up that they're both single at the same time again? Not even truly casually dating anyone.

thedeadflag

I could definitely see that

purrpickle

Like, absolutely single. Not talking single for two weeks or whatever or already forward towards the next relationship.

((("Did you truly think I was heartless?" Silence. Then, deep inhale. "No, Santana. I've always known you feel... Care too much.")))

Ohh, what if they start communicating through paparazzi pics? First Santana wearing that scarf in that part of Central Park, then Rachel fishes out one of Santana's shirts Rachel had found mixed into her things after the breakup and never given back.

thedeadflag

And they're both anxious messes, entirely on edge between pictures, trying to figure out if this is happening or if it's just coincidence, or if their foolish hope is blinding them to other messages at play. 

But then Rachel decides to be brave and lures the paps to Central Park, getting them to take a picture of her sitting on their bench, with a vegan ice cream cone in her hand. They hadn't had ice cream on their first date, or their fifth. It was later, on one of their routine walks in the park, after getting ice cream in the dead of winter for reasons that baffled Santana, that they'd found their way to the bench. And she'd been midway through licking her cone when Santana had leaned up against her, all taut and breathless, confessing she loved Rachel. 

And so there Santana is, years later, just staring through tears at the photo of Rachel in the park, cone in hand, head tilted towards where she'd been way back then. And maybe it wasn't a rekindling of the flames they once had, but it was...finally, for goddamn once...a clear sign that Rachel missed her. That she hadn't just been a stepping stone, an afterthought, a warm body. That Rachel really had seen her, known her.

purrpickle

 *gif of crying anime girl*

I think Santana loses some of her nerve, finally deciding that she's going to reach out - because it's definitely in her court now, after that pic - to Rachel through text. She writes everything out, hundreds of times, erasing and rewriting and erasing again. Finally, exhausted mentally and physically, she settles on, "Do you have time for coffee?"

thedeadflag

Was gonna respond in a bit to this when I had more time but YES

Santana being all "aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA fuck my life whatever I'll just...fuck it, let's just see if she wants coffee" *send* Marches away and paces for fifteen minutes to work off her anxiousness

And she's just so exhausted, and worn down, and every minute that passes feels like an eternity, and brings a wealth of new doubts and second-guessing, 

But then her phone buzzes

Rachel had been sitting on her bed when Santana's text rolled in. She'd done a double take, hoping she wasn't dreaming, and then left the room for a moment to come back just to confirm that fact. Santana wanted coffee. And not coffee-coffee-wink-wink-nudge-nudge like some use it as shorthand for a more explicit invitation, because Santana was not the sort to beat around the bush when it came to that... but coffee. Coffee.

And Rachel's mind immediately jumped to Stumptown, and Ground Central, and Third Rail, and Intelligentsia, all their old coffee hangouts across Manhattan, and the Bushwick favorites like Hearts, or Brooklyn Whiskers, and Mixtape Bushwick. All places with histories, but old histories. And as much as she yearned for Santana, and loved so much of their time together, she knew she'd grown as a person since they'd split, and that Santana almost assuredly had too, so she needed a new home away from home where they could feel each other out. A new place, a new tradition. A new them. 

It took her twelve minutes to scour google for a place with good reviews that seemed to have the aesthetic that could fit them, and before she could overthink, she sent a name off. Abraço

And then quickly followed it up with an explanation and a flurry of potential times and dates she was available, because of course Santana wouldn't understand what the word meant on its own

purrpickle

I think Rachel's also struck at how it's worded. It's completely up to Rachel, how she'll respond. Rachel might have expected some demanding or direct request, but the Santana she had gotten to know... It did make sense. And it also spoke a lot to her because Santana was respecting her time. 

And Santana, having frowned down at the random word when she'd snatched it up almost before it was done vibrating, felt so much relief like heat pool through her body, almost making her limbs numb. But as she read over the times and dates, Santana felt her heart sink, along with her smile. She was busy. Each day. She'd forgotten that she was headed for LA that Monday, for two weeks, as well as not figured that, it being currently a Wednesday, Rachel would be busy with her shows through that week and weekend. 

Santana's shoulders dropped, her eyes burning. She hoped that this wasn't a sign. And the fact that Rachel had responded at ALL was a positive. But Santana didn't WANT to send back what could be construed as backpedaling, or having changed her mind. But it was true she just... Couldn't make it. Still, fingers trembling as she typed out something she hoped wouldn't stop everything, her heart pained, she sent it, and hoped it would be okay. 

“God, I'm sorry. I totally forgot I'm going to be in LA for two weeks starting Monday. This isn't an excuse not to meet. I'm sorry. Maybe after I come back?” 

(My thought being they could start texting slowly again, getting to know each other again before coming face to face. And they're adults, with busy lives, and, I think, it almost makes it mean more if it doesn't go smoothly.)

thedeadflag

!!! absolutely!

purrpickle

It also goes to show how impulsive and exhausted Santana was, completely forgetting that.

thedeadflag

I could definitely see it happen. Sometimes in her excitement/determination, she can get impulsive and not think things completely through

purrpickle

Okay, delete the second I'm sorry in the text. I was thinking I'd forgotten to put one in. And that way, when Rachel gets the first text, she DOES feel let down, but then Santana can quickly send another text with another I'm sorry in it. (Or is that too cliche? XD)

thedeadflag

Nah, they're awkward messes. They've already fumbled their way through communicating via pap pictures. What's a little fumbling through texting?

purrpickle

OH GOD. Though I'm not done exploring this adorable awkward mess of Rachel dealing with the high and abrupt low - while Santana's in LA, all the magazines and tabloids are talking about are her romantic lunch and dinner dates (with her producer or something), no matter where Rachel looks. Like, she and Santana are communicating, and she knows not to trust tabloids, but Santana looks so HAPPY in the pictures, with the smile on her face that always made Rachel's heart pound.

Like, it's not a big thing between them, but it does stick in the back of Rachel's mind.

I was thinking earlier that both women make a concrete decision to not rush things - or, let's be real, even discuss what's happening with each other because both are terrified the other isn't after trying again - and just hang out as friends for a long time. Sure, there's awkward moments and in drawn breaths when they accidentally brush against each other, but they just get coffee together, then more coffee, then maybe lunch or brunch, then Santana inviting Rachel round to watch some sort of television show together or something. They try very hard to rebuild up the friendship they lost.

And there are missteps. From both.

thedeadflag

Oh for sure. They've been so out of sync for so long that they're going to bring some friction, and fumble around. And some old habits will resurface that are (or at least feel) a bit too intimate for that stage in the relationship, and that'll throw them off their games, and have them retreating, and yeah. I definitely think that's likely

purrpickle

Oh yes. Definitely. Good point. It kinda stops them cold when they realize what's happening. And yeah, they retreat. It's them, after all.

It's like, is all this awkwardness, hyper focus of NOT to do the wrong thing, even worth it?

Somehow, Rachel and Santana manage to get coffee and talk and spend together for about two months before people start to catch on, or take pictures of it. Immediately, the tabloids clamor about "Old flames igniting" and "Rachel had never given up on Santana" and "Santana turning to Rachel to repair her scandalous reputation", etc. etc. 

It's not long before Quinn is calling up Santana, not wanting her old friend to be hurt again, while Tina and Mercedes show up on Rachel's doorstep, demanding a girls' night out/in - and Rachel, who had had plans to see Santana that evening has to cancel them, awkwardly starting, like, "Tina and Mercedes are in town..." and "Yeah, I get it," Santana answers, "Tell Wheezy and Chang One I's talk to them later." Both don't get too good of a night's sleep.

thedeadflag

And maybe they manage to sneak off to a coffee shop late the next morning, all bleary eyed and grumbly, and proceed to pass out against each other in a shared booth seat. They wouldn't mean, to, of course. It's the one place that has someone deliver coffee too their tables, but it takes longer than they expect (or, than Rachel expects, given Santana knows how complex Rachel's order always is) and they're both just so tired from being up all night thinking about how to navigate the situation with their friends when it'd been hard enough to navigate on their own without the interventions and interrogations.

purrpickle

It's Santana who wakes up first when the barista comes over, and she groans, nodding at the guy to just leave the coffees. She shifts a little, heart squeezing as Rachel's head rubs against her shoulder, the other woman protesting at getting moved, and Santana lightly nudges her shoulder. Her heart is beating hard, her brain telling her not to move her, to take the opportunity to feel her against her again, and breathe in the scent that had always been RACHEL... And her fingers hover over Rachel's cheek, aching to smooth her bangs from her eyes. They've gotten close again, but... Not close enough for that. And they - still - hadn't really talked about where they heading. 

Exhaling, her eyes averting as they threaten to water, Santana nudges Rachel's shoulder again, harder. "Coffee's here," she shrugs casually when Rachel sits up, blinking at her blearily. Rachel's scent and warmth is gone, and Santana takes a sip of her coffee to cover herself. 

"Oh, thank you. I... Was I sleeping on you?" Rachel almost stutters, blushing. She can't believe herself.

(There was a song I was listening to [on repeat when I couldn't find the case to swap out the CD] on my drive back up that very much reminded me of this story. Let me see if I can find the relevant lyrics.)

(We used to be inseparable, I used to think that I was irreplaceable We lit the whole world up, before we blew it up, I still don't know just how we screwed it up)

-Selena Gomez, Love Will Remember

thedeadflag

this angst has me wishing lesbian life alert was a real thing because I think I'm gonna need it if this keeps escalating XD

purrpickle

At least in this 'verse they're rebuilding and getting each other back. :D

thedeadflag

this is true :P

purrpickle

(But honestly, it screams angsty Pezberry to me.)

Who breaks and moves in for a kiss first?

thedeadflag

I think Rachel. It's the slow build-up of past memories and feelings alongside all the fantasies and ideas and hopes her overactive imagination and inner passion drum up over the months of playing it cool and feeling each other out. Rachel does her best to keep composure, to play it safe with her heart, but she's absolutely not a "bend, don't break" girl, she's composed and strong and willful until she's suddenly not, and it's in one of those moments of weakness where she just straight up finds herself moving in for a kiss before she can catch herself. She's always wanted anything and everything in her life too damn much, and after so long just dancing around with Santana in this pseudo relationship, she just gets overcome by a rush of need, and...well, she wouldn't be Rachel Berry if she wasn't driven to excel in everything she does

at least, that's my take

purrpickle

And Santana registers what Rachel's doing as she's moving in, Rachel's hand tight in the sleeve of Santana's coat, and god, she's shocked still, lips parted as Rachel, hesitating only a second, own lips trembling, presses into her. It's not a long kiss, Santana's hands rising to cup Rachel's sides, Rachel already leaning back even as Santana gently puts more and more weight on her as if to push her; but then Santana wavers, and with a breathy, needy exhale, she's closing the distance, her own lips molding back over Rachel's. It's not an exceedingly passionate kiss, this one, just lips pressing against lips, hearts jumping and chests heaving with bodies prickling, but both women are slightly dizzy from the sheer RELEASE and CONSTRICTION it blossoms inside of them. Release, because it means both are on the same page, but also constriction from the sheer anxiety and fear inside each other that is this right? Even if they want this so much, should they TRULY try it?

(But Santana's not strong enough to pretend she doesn't want this.)

But they take it slow. Don't fall into bed. Don't even have a hot and heavy macking session. They just kiss once, twice, then pull back, staring at each other. Then they talk. They talk a LOT. Things waterfall out. And then Santana goes home for the night, maybe even the one to suggest it, that they should take the time and think and make sure that if they agree to actually try again, it's with time away and it's not the rush of just how amazing their physical connection has always been.

thedeadflag

Yep. Maybe if it was their first time entering into a relationship, they would have fallen into each other and their passion, but they're older, more cautious, with greater willpower. As much as Rachel might want to give in completely, she knows they have to get it right this time if they do it at all. And that means patience, time, and lots of talking. And while she's only comfortable with the last of those three things, Santana's worth the effort. 

(and yeah, I can see Santana suggesting heading home...as much as Rachel is a fantastic planner, she's more reactive than cerebral in the moment, at least compared to Santana, not quite as quick at plotting out the smoothest, safest way to handle this new revelation after they've talked enough about it and what it means for them. Rachel would ask a lot of important and detailed questions, but Santana would be steering that particular ship and figuring out for the both of them when they need to call it a night)

purrpickle

Right. Santana wants to protect her heart - and part of her still can't help but want to protect Rachel's, too - and she knows when she needs to step away, to process, and especially knows when Rachel needs that too. She needs to know that when they meet up again the same feelings will be there - from BOTH of them. And she's scared. She's honest to god scared. Kissing Rachel scared her - because it was real, because it illustrated that the physical feelings are still there, and because Rachel hurt her before. She knows, logically, that they've been working towards this, that obviously they set out with the resuming of their relationship in mind, but if it's actually starting to happen... No one, aside from Brittany during high school and the time afterwards, has meant so much to Santana. And she doesn't want to squander this, knows her particular role to play in this, and NEEDS to see Rachel reach out and meet her. And part of that is slowing them, if just to feel like there truly IS a way she can control this, feel in control.

That the EMOTIONAL part of during the kiss was still there, too.

She's vulnerable, but what she's learned over the years they were apart and her trying to move on, is that they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives.

thedeadflag

^^^ This is hitting me right in my fluffy angst feels

purrpickle

Me tooooo.

I thought it was very important, this part: they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives. Because it's SO TRUE they could fall into the old trap of just picking up from where they were, bury themselves and hide in it. When what they really need to do is TRULY start over, MAKE new love and let it be them, not the echo of what it once was.

Basically, they can't live on the dying energy of a supernova. They need to live on the new world built from its stardust.

thedeadflag

Yep. They aren't who they used to be. They can't fall in love with the ghosts of who they were...they can appreciate the good times they shared back then, and the love they had for each other, but they're different people now. They need to completely explore each other's depths again, and and find out if they're compatible again, if they can fall in love with these new versions of each other. Just because they fell in love once, and were a good fit once, doesn't mean they would again. After all, they fell apart because they stopped being a good fit. Something changed, or at least something didn't fit where they thought it did, and that hurt more than anything. So they need to get it right. They need to be careful. They need to figure out if they really fit together instead of just hoping they will and ignoring the details, because neither of them want to get hurt again, or to hurt each other. They know they deserve love. It's whether or not each other is the right one to share it with is the question they need answering, and Santana's absolutely going to figure out if the people they built themselves into after the wreckage of their relationship are compatible pieces of their life's puzzle, or if they're just better off friends

purrpickle

Oh god my heart just died. And honestly, they're both so scared that they'll only fit as friends. Because the way they feel about each other, they can't see a future where just friends would be enough. And yeah, you should always be friends with your lover, but could they ever be friends if they weren't lovers? Would they be able to grow into that. 

And honestly, I just saw a heartbreaking scene where Rachel's crying, sobbing, because she's so terrified Santana's going to say they won't fit, they won't work, and she's mature enough to realize that she shouldn't, wouldn't be able to MOLD herself into fitting together, or "changing" Santana to fit her inside herself either. Because if Santana says friends, that's it, and she'd abide by it, even as her heart's breaking. But she's crying, admitting to Santana that she wouldn't be happy, that she's terrified they won't/can't try again.

She's not trying to put Santana on the spot, but she can't help how she feels.

thedeadflag

She wouldn't be Rachel if she could

*help how she feels, that is. She's always been particularly vulnerable to her emotions pulling her all over the place. Again, she's always wanted things too much

purrpickle

I mean, that makes it sound like Santana's the gatekeeper for their relationship, but I kind of imagine, in this case, she is.

Rachel's not another rushed into high profile fling. But also, Santana does drag this on a bit too long. Maybe not entirely knowingly, but I can see Rachel finally pointing it out to Santana, quietly, forcibly stoically.

thedeadflag

and as much as she heard Rachel's words, as much as it all clicks together with perfect sense, it only lays her fears bare for all to see. She's always been cautious, calculating, and one of the few times she wasn't, she got her heart annihilated. She's terrified of that happening again. Even if everything points to them being a good fit, she second guesses herself, and though she realizes that a little late into their new attempt, she can't help it. She's scared. Because as much as she can see a vivid future together, she can still remember exactly how each one of the many breakdowns felt after she and Rachel fell apart the first time. 

But it's a good thing, it's exactly the kind of kick in the ass she needs, because she's been patient, she's been cautious, she's been so focused on them and how they fit, and she just hasn't let herself put all the pieces of their mosaic together in her mind yet because she's been terrified they won't fit, not just because she knows it'd break Rachel's heart for them to not be able to be friends, knowing it wouldn't be enough for Rachel, and that it also wouldn't be enough for her after everything. Not with how she feels. But also because she's terrified that they will fit, but that she's missed something, like last time (because of course Santana blames herself, regardless), and that they'll end up repeating past mistakes. 

But they're not the same people. Not anymore. And she goes over the differences between who they were when they started the first time with Rachel, and who they were when they ended. And the fact that Rachel isn't on-the-fly creating a powerpoint to visualize the differences as they brainstorm and reassess what they've learned over the past months...maybe it's a little absurd to focus on, but it's something that she uses to keep herself focused and faithful on the notion that it really isn't too good to be true, that maybe they really could work together. That in the years that have passed, they've grown and changed and the flaws that condemned their past relationship aren't there anymore. And at the end of the two and a half hour conversation, their coffees cold on the table, the sun long since set, Santana asks what they do now? (maybe? I don't know, is that the right sort of direction?)

purrpickle

(I'm not sure what you're asking?)

thedeadflag

like, I don't know, my mind's been a little foggy all day, so I'm not sure if I'm missing anything important in my on-the-fly stream of consciousness rambling/brainstorming

purrpickle

Hey, you're making more sense than my word deluge seems to make to me. Is this two and a half hour talk happening after Rachel tells Santana she's drawing things out?

thedeadflag

yeah, that's what I figured. Like, maybe Rachel says it, warns Santana, and plans on leaving directly after to let Santana think, but Santana reels Rachel back in, because okay, yeah, she HAS drawn this out too long, and if they need to get down to it and make the call, figure out if they're 100% in or out, then they do it right now. So it's two and a half hours of arguments and counter arguments and pros and cons and drudging up painful past memories yet again, and contrasting with what they've recently learned, and maybe some more info they share that seems innocuous but the other finds interesting or surprising, and it's all exhausting, and lasts much longer than expected, but by the end...every negative counterpoint, every con, has been dealt with or they're explicitly aware of it and have discussed how to work through that. And they're left with...all signs pointing to yes, pointing to "Pezberry: The Sequel" as Kurt and Quinn would call it. And as scared as she is, Santana's in. And Rachel, Rachel's overwhelmed and relieved, and frazzled, but she's in. But then they have to figure out where they go from there, and Santana's just blanking, because how do you ask a woman on an official date-date after you've spent 2 and a half hours going through an emotional gauntlet together?

purrpickle

You know, I think Rachel steps forward at this moment. She's scared, exhausted, too, but she can see how scared and exhausted Santana is, too. And Rachel carries a lot of the guilt inside herself, too. She reaches out, palm trembling, to cup Santana's cheek, pulling her to look at her. "We both want this," she whispers, "And we've talked enough that even I feel that anything more at this moment won't say anything more." Rachel laughs lightly, biting her lower lip, smiling as Santana's lips curl up, her dimples starting to show as her dark eyes meet Rachel's, "Why don't we..." Rachel licks her lips, heart starting to trip in her chest, gasping as Santana's hand finds her free one, almost shyly curling around it - just to feel Rachel's hand in hers, not let her lace their fingers together. "Why don't we do this? Go on a date. I... I want to. Tomorrow. Or... The next day. Yes, the next day." Rachel lets her hand fall, curling it around Santana's around hers. "We... We can talk in the meantime, but truly 'START' there."

And they do start out slow. Hold hands, sit next to each other, closer than they had before, but not cuddling yet, and short, light kisses when they get done with their dates or go home for the night.

Oh god. The first time they have an argument (like all couples do). Both are vibrating and scared that the other will say something that will break them, or bring up the past, so each are preemptively trying to protect themselves and prickling the other.

thedeadflag

Absolutely, it's like they almost expect something to go horribly wrong, like a veil being lifted to realize it was never real, they never had a chance, their past heartbreak was too much to overcome, that they'd be defined by their past actions yet again

and they don't even realize they're doing it at first, but they're throwing barbs in a sort of self-destructive "it was never going to work, so at least by creating its destruction, I was in control of it, I could minimize the pain" sort of way, and it's just leading down and down, and Santana realizes it first after a particularly pointed remark that sounds so much like her high school self that it's jarring. And it reminds her that this is exactly what she used to do in high school, to herself, at almost every opportunity for happiness.

purrpickle

((Okay, so I came up with this, but I don't know if it really, truly fits? Like, yes, it's vulnerable enough, but I'm not sure they'd really be able to stop the argument in such this way. What's your opinion?)) 

Finally, after a sharp word, Santana notices that Rachel's... shaking? Her heart squeezes, her own tension in her body suddenly more noticeable. "Rache?" she barks, it coming out more angry than she means it to, still riding high on frustration and fear, "You're... You're trembling?" She still wants to continue the argument, the self destructive part of her wanting to "win" the row, but the self sacrificing part of herself wants to just hug Rachel. It's only a stupid argument, not, hopefully, she yearns, the true end of their relationship. And Rachel's not even looking at her now, inhaling, as if to ignore Santana's question and shout out another painful jab... But she's trembling. And Santana realizes she's trembling too.

thedeadflag

it makes sense. Santana does love to win, and is terribly stubborn, but she's shown a willingness to shift away from those parts of herself (at least temporarily) to focus on more emotional matters. (example: arguing with Rachel over the disposed pregnancy test, pulling Rachel close and comforting her instead of continuing the argument when Rachel tells Santana she 'had no right' and subsequently breaks down)

purrpickle

*nods* I also see it as kind of an unconscious trade off... Rachel made the first move to ask Santana out (after forcing the conversation), and Santana's the first to stop this spiraling maelstrom. Obviously, both don't want all of their arguments or tiffs to end up in sabotage, so they talk, again, promise to try and not doom them before they truly have a chance. They're worth it... They have to be.

Ugh... So I'm feeling extremely fluffy right now. The first night they stay the night with each other, like in the same bed, as both have ended up crashing at the others' place before in a guest bed - no sex, not even taking off clothes, just in pajamas - but definitely touching each other, and waking up tangled together.

Touching each other as in lying next to each other or holding hands or even Santana opening her arms and letting Rachel snuggle into her.

thedeadflag

you know I'm a total sucker for soft, simple intimacy !!! Especially involving beds and snuggling !!

purrpickle

In the early morning hours, it's the special time of day where vulnerable, true things can be whispered without repercussions or second thoughts. It's the close, soft, warm moments, where Rachel can bury her face into Santana's chest and say, so softly, that she's missed this. That no one's arms around her has ever felt so good. And Santana nuzzles the top of her head, and admits, just as softly, voice as emotionally naked, that she agrees. That it's like they were meant to be. That, and she swallows, pressing her lips to Rachel's hair, that maybe everything had to happen so they could have this.

[alicedoessurveys]

Stage one: Emotions.

How often do you take actions you regret? not often, im very much someone who thinks things through first (sometimes too much) but will occasionally do things regret 

Do you often feel guilty? yes Do you have a short temper? sometimes, depends on how my emotions are and what time of month it is... 

When was the last time you lashed out at someone? I cant remember  And why was that? I cant remember

Does it always seem like the entire world is out to get you? right now yes Have you ever had a serious mental break down? im living one right now tbh

What led up to this? (sadness, depression, fury, confusion, etc) not coping well with my illness, then covid invade and lockdown happened, I lost my job, im living with parents that don't like each other and cant afford to move out  Do you believe it is just natural for humans to feel lonely? yes, I think we have this natural thing in us to find people to share our lives with Do you ever feel lonely, even in the presence of those you know or love? all the time yes Do you believe that these are the “best years of your life”? absolutely not. I know people say your twenties are supposed to be but mine have been pure shit. I was diagnosed with a incurable illness literally right before I turned 20 and ive been dealing with that since Or do you follow the “the best is yet to come” philosophy? I try to believe that the best years are ahead  Does it sometimes feel like your life is being wasted or not going anywhere? yes, right now especially because I want to be out there working but ive lost the job I loved and cant find another because everything locked down Tell me about the last time you were truly, truly happy. the day I met my niece and cuddled her for the first time. I remember looking down at her as she held my finger and I just was so excited for all the adventures we are going to have together

Stage two: Relationships.

How long was your longest relationship? 3 months... cant believe it took me that long to realise he was a dick How old were you when you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend? 23 Do you (or have you ever) had feelings for the SAME sex? I have yes but I don't get the urge to act on those feelings Do you consider yourself gay or bisexual? How strongly do you feel about it? I don't know. I have more crushes on guys but have had the occasional girl crush too, but I wouldn't want to act on anything. but then again, I don't get the urge to act on feeling towards guys either so maybe im asexual? I honestly don't know but im not stressing about it Have you ever had your heart broken? yes Did you ever honestly believe you were going to marry your high school bf/gf? I didn't have one so nope Is it harder to get dumped or do the dumping? both hurt just the same I think  Have you been able to stay good friends with any of your exes? yes, although we don't really talk anymore If so, is there any tension (sexual or not) between the two of you? we did kiss once but it was nothing  Would you ever date someone that your friend liked or HAD dated? it depends on the situation but doubt it no When was the last time you were kissed? last year, I miss having someone to kiss ngl Are you a virgin? Do you believe virginity is “sacred”? I am. I don't think its sacred and honestly don't see the big deal but I am one of those wait till marriage or at least wait till you're certain this is your person kind of people How many times have you been in love? Was it always real? never Stage three: Friendships.

Would you say that you have a lot of friends? I have a lot of acquaintances, a few friends and two best friends Have you ever been considered to be a “loner”? not really  How often do you hang out with your friends? usually like every other week but cause of lockdown I haven't properly in months  Do you have a specific hang out or house that you go to? usually the cinema, or round at once of our houses Have you ever done anything illegal to help a friend? don't think so, if I did it would be something minor  If not, would you be willing to? What would be your limit? depends how major it was. like if he said rob a bank with me or commit murder then nope. but like, drive a bit faster because im running late then yeah but even then id still be safe  Who is your best friend? VERY best. Choose. rhys Have any of your friends ever stabbed you in the back? yes Did you forgive them? Are you still friends? some yes, some no  Are your friends the only people that “get you”? no Do you think your friends know you better than your own parents? yes Have you ever lost a close friend because they died? no Have you ever lost a friend because they gained a bf/gf and dropped you? yes Are your friends your support system? =] yes Stage four: Family Life

Are both your parents alive? yes Were you raised by your biological parents? yes Has your family ever been broken? not my immediate family, but right now they're close to breaking  Do you think your parents respect your space? not really  Are you close with you siblings, if you have any? very close How often does your family fight or have big arguments? right now every bloody day  Does your family hold very high religious beliefs? yes Are you the “black sheep” of your household? no Have you ever in anger told your parent(s) that you hated them? no I never use that word directed at someone  How often are you diciplined or punished or grounded? never, im 25. but even as a kid I was well behaved  Do you feel like you are allowed to express yourself inside your own home? to a degree yes, but also no. im not allowed to swear around dad and im not allowed to get a rabbit Are your parents very controlling of the person “they want you to be”? not really Your family really does love each other, doesn’t it? I hope so  Are you planning to move away when you turn 18? im 25 now and desperate to move into my own space but cant afford to 

[donnerpartyofone]

So, here is my deal. I have been single for a year now, after being in a long term relationship and I am really struggling to impress women. I’ve tried all the classic dating apps, starting casual conversations, and nothing seems to do the trick. I wouldn’t call myself handsome, but not an eyesore either. I am exercising, but still have a few extra pounds. Any tip for how to land something long term? That I should try?

EDIT: Hopefully you haven’t read this yet--I just reread your question, and realized you’ve only been out of your last LTR for a year. Certainly you know you better than I do, but I would strongly recommend being single for a little longer than that, to really clear your system of whatever is still rattling around in there. It’ll be better for you in the long run, and probably better for whoever you date next too. At the risk of being too accusative with a total stranger, you might wanna read a couple of articles on serial monogamy, and decide if any of it rings true with you, before proceeding.

Well, that’s a pretty complex question! Obviously I don’t know you, so I have to generalize a lot. I guess I have a few bullet points that may or may not be useful. It’s worth saying that even though I’m a lady and that means we face these challenges in different ways, I do know where you’re coming from. I’ve been with very few people in my life, was rejected or ignored by a lot more, and I had to go through a long stretch of facing the idea that I might truly die alone–which included realizing that that should not be the worst case scenario that everybody neurotically makes it out to be. So, here are the things I think:

- I wonder where you live, what kind of scene there is around you. Sometimes it might not be the worst idea to entertain a pen pal-type beginning, from the internet, or whatever you can dig up for a resource. Especially if your main goal is making a lasting connection with somebody (which would be something that many people would consider moving out of state for), it’s really worth considering that that person might live literally anywhere. It’s also worth acknowledging whether your immediate environment is just not conducive to healthy dating, for whatever reason. Even in a huge bustling city like NYC, where I live, statistical realities may affect your ability to find what you are looking for. Here, women outnumber men so radically that if you’re female and you’re looking for dudely companionship, you may have to put up with all sorts of bullshit, because men have an embarrassment of choice.  A lot of them feel no obligation whatsoever to get tied down, even if they think they’re “nice guys” and they’re not really consciously aware of this, even if they have a really attractive woman on the hook. My gay male friends make pretty much the exact same complaint to me: That New York has this reputation of having a huge supportive gay community, but the reality is that men who are willing to settle down are really hard to find, because they just have so many options, and even a lot of the guys who think they want a relationship are just all fighting over the same handful of top 10 status-symbol twinks all the time anyway. Soooo that’s all about how hard it is to find a standard boyfriend where *I* live, but like, there could be something legitimately similar going on with finding a girlfriend near you. It’s not ALWAYS your own fault if you can’t get what you want. 

- A lot of people who say that they just wanna be with “someone nice”, or who make generalizations like “NOBODY likes them,” are hiding or ignoring the fact that they actually want something pretty specific. That’s not a crime, it’s just something that would be better to be honest about with yourself. The little you’ve said here makes it sound like goal for you is just, being in a long term relationship. Obviously you have a right to that, but even if you’re NOT unconsciously rejecting people who don’t fit your secret standards, you still may face the problem that your candidates could find your open-mindedness a little impersonal. Obviously you’re not telling people you “just wanna be in a relationship” out loud, but intuition is a powerful thing, especially when it’s fed by body language or subtle behavioral cues. People can become supernaturally perceptive when questions of sex or dating are on the table. So, this might be a good time to interrogate what your goal means to you. When you try to imagine what you’re looking for in really specific terms, what does it look like? What comes out of a long term relationship, that you absolutely can’t get out of any other part of your life? Are those things that you can live without? Also, what kind of person do you imagine being with? If your answer is really vague, or kind of amounts to something like “just someone who treats me well”, try to refine that. If people sense that your standards are totally amorphous because your only goal is having someone to warm your bed, then they’re not going to be really flattered by your attention. I mean you can find people out there who want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship, but they usually also want babies and all the social, marital trappings above all else. There are apps for that. 

- You’ve probably heard this before, and you’re going to roll your eyes when you hear it again, but “looks” aren’t THAT important. At least for straight dudes, mostly. I’m definitely not going to tell you that looks don’t matter at all, at which point you would know not to believe anything I say, but there’s more going on here. I’ve known plenty of men in the plain-to-ugly range, as traditional standards go, who have dated beautiful women, and/or just lots and lots of women, because they have really inviting personalities: Some combination of, they’re really funny, they have a lot of confidence, they’re super bright, they communicate well about their passions in life, they’re really nice (not “I held the door for you so now you have to fuck me” nice–which is called “being fake” actually–but compassionate/considerate/humble/genuinely interested nice), etc. I also have known plenty of guys in the upper register of physical attractiveness who don’t perform the way you might expect them to because they act fucking weird: any combo of pushy, argumentative, withholding, insecure, superior, combative if you try to be kind to them, or sometimes they just haven’t trained themselves to engage–like, they act like OTHER PEOPLE should compensate for their shyness, and they become resentful if they believe YOU didn’t work hard enough to pry them out of THEIR shell. So like it’s a good thing to care about your appearance and your hygiene and everything, but a big part of the reason that stuff matters is that it shows you care about yourself. No matter what you look like, if you carry around this vibe that it’s somebody else’s job to make you feel good about yourself or your life, then all you’re going to attract is nobody–or people who are seriously damaged, which you probably don’t want either. Depression and insecurity are as normal as they are difficult, but it’s important to try to show that you’re not gonna be somebody’s full time job, with a combination of personal presentation AND personality. The latter is more important.

- At this point you’re probably thinking, “This is like that thing where you need experience to get a job, but you can only get experience FROM getting a job, so where am I supposed to get all this confidence from if my confidence is constantly eroded by rejection?” Well, that’s a good question! This stuff can take like a superhuman amount of effort. Unfortunately there’s no just and reliable way to simply fix this conundrum. I will say this, though: One thing you can do is just try to stop being so focused on it. Yes, I know, THAT SOUNDS REALLY HARD ALSO. But if you can achieve it, to some degree, then it takes a lot of pressure off both yourself and other people, leading to interactions that are easier and more fun, which takes you a big step in the right direction. I’m more or less speaking from experience. I had been painfully oriented toward being in a relationship for most of my life. Men have almost never wanted anything to do with me, for any number of reasons: I’ve never been what you’d call hot, I act like a fucking weirdo, I get along so well with guys that they tend to just think of me as another guy (I’d called this being “friendzoned” if I were a WAY BIGGER ASSHOLE), and surely the few people I was close enough to to try to start something could tell that I was pretty desperate about it. Because I was so…yeah, desperate, about being in a relationship, I took what I could get, and on all but one of the very few past occasions where I “got” something, it turned into a gnarly abusive nightmare, some of which I’m still processing. So, there came a point in time when I really had to review what I’d been doing. I started to ask myself really hard questions like, why DO I need to be in a relationship? Isn’t it true that I would still have to have other things to live for, even if I DID get into a decent relationship? What are those things? Can’t I just start focusing more on those things NOW? Basically I started to experiment with going about my days as if I knew for a fact that I would never get into a relationship, ever. It wasn’t exactly a party, at first, but I knew I was doing a good thing for myself. Actually, it was the only rational thing I could think to do. Then, a month or two later, I met the man I’m going to marry in December. I was sort of confounded by it, like I had finally made this big achievement in being more zen about everything, when I suddenly found myself in a serious, healthy relationship. I almost felt like some kind of hypocrite. But anyway, my explanation was that I was finally in a mental state where I was genuinely ready to be in that kind of relationship, I was prepared to enter it as my own person, without all kinds of baggage about what I “needed” to get out of it. I must have been putting out that vibe, finally.

So these are just some ideas, if there were a surefire fix for your situation, then everybody in the world would know about it already. I guess I’d just conclude by saying that if you can remember that “life isn’t fair” AND you can prevent yourself from blaming others for that, then you’re already a lot closer to getting what you want, than people who think they’re owed satisfaction. Which is a LOT of people.