#also found out one of my good friends from college also has MCAS now

[xxmolls]

Guess who just got an MCAS reaction from GOING PEE?

Well … guess I can’t go to the restroom anymore without going into the beginning stages of anaphylaxis…

Can’t make this shit up… Oyyyyyy

[stuonsongs]

My Top 10 Favorite Songs of All Time - 2006 Edition

2021 Editor’s Note: I was looking through some old files and found this thing that I wrote sometime in the summer of 2006 at age 22. For all I know, it could’ve been 15 years to the day! Looking back, I’m not sure how many of these songs would still make my top 10. Don’t get me wrong, I still love all of these tunes, but I’m sure you know how it goes - You get older, you get exposed to more things, and your idea of good music expands. Anyway, I thought it might be nice to share with anyone who still uses this site. I present it in its original format without edits to my writing. I ended up writing full posts in this blog about some of these songs if you go through the archive. 

Stu’s Top 10 Favorite Songs…Ever

Let’s start with some honorable mentions. These were so close, and I thought about it for so long, but they had to be left off.

Honorable Mentions

All Summer Long – The Beach Boys

All Summer Long. 1964. Capitol

This song has been described so many times as being “the perfect summer song.” When you listen to it, you can’t help but smile from the opening marimba intro, all the way through. It just screams “summer” and it hurt me to leave The Beach Boys off my top 10.

Bleed American – Jimmy Eat World

Bleed American. 2001. Grand Royal

So full of energy, so rocking, and so what would’ve been the most recent song on my list. I wanted to keep it in the top 10 just so I could have a song from the ‘00s, but it wasn’t meant to be. When the chorus kicks in, I can’t help but headbang.

Marie – Randy Newman

Good Old Boys. 1974. Reprise

Randy has said that a lot of young composers pick “Marie” as their favorite Newman song, and I can see why. The idea of a guy having to be drunk to tell his wife that he loves her is pretty funny, and throughout the whole song it’s just the beautiful melody with tons of strings, all to a tune about a guy ripping on himself as he comes home drunk to his wife.

Does He Love You? – Rilo Kiley

More Adventurous. 2004. Brute/Beaute

I guess this is newer than Bleed American, so it would’ve worked too. This is another more recent song that it killed me to leave off the list. The outro is an arrangement of the main tune with a different chord progression performed by a string quartet. Very beautiful. Also when Jenny Lewis screams “Your husband will never leave you, he will never leave you for me,” I get chills every time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So here it is. After a long day’s work, I’m finally finished. It actually turned out much different than I was thinking when I first started. The number one wasn’t really even in my top five when I started, but I slowly realized I loved it so much. I also left Ben Folds (Five) off this list completely, and I don’t know, I just feel the whole catalogue of Ben is so solid, none of the songs stick out to me that much. But anyways, here it is! After the break of course…

Stu’s Top 10

10.

(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave – Martha and the Vandellas

Heat Wave. 1963. Motown.

This one beat out “Bleed American” just barely. The reason being that somehow, despite being nearly 40 years older than Bleed American, it still has so much energy that it kills. Dan Bukvich once told our Jazz Arranging class that you can boil all the oldies you hear on the radio down to three categories: 1) Great Song. 2) Great Performance. 3) Great Arrangement. This song is one of the great performances. The handclaps throughout, combined with the driving baritone sax behind everything and constant snare drum action will keep anybody with blood running through their veins dancing all night long.

9.

Bodhisattva – Steely Dan

Countdown to Ecstasy. 1973. MCA

This song is my Freebird. It’s just a basic blues progression song at its core with some minor changes at the end of the form. The real kicker that drives this song home is the three minute guitar solo in the middle that isn’t nearly as rocking as Freebird, but it is highly proficient and takes me to places that just make me want to play the song over and over again. I have no idea what this song is about, probably Buddhism, but hey, this once again proves that lyrics rarely matter and the music itself is the core.

8.

Zanzibar – Billy Joel

52nd Street. 1978. Columbia

This song reminds me of long car rides on vacations down the west coast with my parents growing up. They used to play a tape of 52nd Street, or at least their favorite selections, constantly on these trips. I didn’t hear this song again until early in my senior year in college and remembered why I loved it so much. The song has a heavy jazz influence, displayed in the breakdown where Jazz trumpeter Freddie Hubbard does a solo. The best part of this song though is at the end of the 4th line of each verse, Billy does this “Woah oh oh!” thing that just makes me want to sing every time. It was between this and “Miami 2017 (Lights Go Out On Broadway)” which is also a great song, but the “Woah oh oh!” is too much for ol’ Stu boy.

7.

Rosalita (Come Out Tonight) – Bruce Springsteen

The Wild, the Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle. 1973. Columbia

Early Bruce Springsteen records have something that very few other artists can ever pull off without sounding cheesy or forced. It has this undeniable sense of urgency, like the world will fall apart and life will crumble through your fingers if this one moment in time doesn’t work out the way Bruce describes it. There are so many early Springsteen songs that just set a scene of “We have to get out of this town right now girl before it kills us, no matter what any of our parents, friends, anybody has to say.” There’s a line that kinda sums it up: “Well hold on tight, stay up all night ‘cause Rosie I’m comin’ on strong. By the time we meet the morning light, I will hold you in my arms. I know a pretty little place in southern California down San Diego way. There’s a little café where they play guitars all night and all day. You can hear ‘em in the back room strummin’, so hold tight baby ‘cause don’t you know daddy’s comin’.”

6.

I’ve Got You Under My Skin – Frank Sinatra

Songs For Swingin’ Lovers! 1956. Capitol

This song falls into the category of great arrangement. This Cole Porter classic tune was arranged for Sinatra by Nelson Riddle. The story goes that he was still copying down parts for the players while riding in the cab to the recording studio on the day of recording. After the players ran through it once with Frank, they stood up and applauded. The Baritone sax takes control here, outlining a Db6/9 chord throughout the intro. Of course, Frank’s vocal delivery is spot on and goes up and down in all the right places for the biggest emotion impact. It’s amazing how a song with no real chorus can be so good.

5.

A Change Is Gonna Come – Sam Cooke

Ain’t That Good News. 1964. RCA Victor

This song was not even going to be on this list, but then I ran across it while scouring my collection of music and remembered how good it was. Then I listened to it and was blown away by the level of detail that went into this arrangement. Sam’s vocals soar above the mind blowingly beautiful arrangement. The lyrics to this one actually add to the tune itself, speaking of wrongdoings in the world around him, and how social change is on its way in the form of the civil rights movement. The song flows with such ease out of Cooke that one might forget the weightiness of the content, but the song’s content is just so heavy that it’s impossible to deny it.

4.

Whatever – Oasis

Whatever EP. 1994. Creation

This song was released as a Christmas present to the U.K. from the Gallagher brothers and company. It never appeared on any full album, only being released as a single, and amazingly, it blows away anything else they’ve ever done. Think “All You Need Is Love,” but with tons of rocking energy and a snide, nonchalant attitude. The chorus speaks, “I’m free to be whatever I, whatever I choose and I’ll sing the blues if I want. I’m free to be whatever I, whatever I like, if it’s wrong or right, it’s alright.” Not exactly poetry, and the song isn’t exactly breaking any new ground either, but the song is absolutely perfect in every way, and it was going to be my #1, but perhaps the only reason it’s not at number one is because I’ve played this song so many times that at the moment, these next three are beating it, but who knows how I’ll feel in a few months. This song also pulls the same “outro performed by a string quartet” thing as “Does He Love You?” but even better. It’s so simple, but I can’t get enough of it.

3.

Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra

Out of the Blue. 1977. Jet

This is obviously the best Beatles song that the Beatles never wrote. The staccato guitar during the verse combined with the strings present in just about every ELO song combine to make a force that is undeniably catchy and musically challenging at the same time. This is really what makes ELO so good. I didn’t discover this song till probably Nov. 2005, and it was one of the best days of my life. I didn’t want to include two songs by the same artist in my top 10, but if I did, I probably would’ve added “Turn To Stone” on this list too because it is almost as awesome as this one. It’s a shame that just like Billy Joel, most critics at the time hated ELO for being overly creative musically (they called it pretentiousness). These days we have acts that really are pretentious (see Radiohead), but everyone loves them, even critics. I’m not knocking all Radiohead, just most everything post OK Computer. Sorry, got a little sidetracked there.

2.

Only In Dreams – Weezer

Weezer. 1994. Geffen

This has been my favorite Weezer song since about a month into me picking up Weezer’s debut album back around early 2000. It has this ostinato (a repeated motif over and over again) in the bass throughout most of the whole song, never even really resolving to the Gb major chord (excluding chorus, which never really resolves) that it wants to until the end of a 3 minute contrapuntal guitar duet when everything dies out except the bass which just retards on its own until it finally plays the single Gb we’ve all been waiting for. The song on the whole up until the guitar duet is pretty tame, but once those contrapuntal guitar lines start intertwining, my ears perk up every time. I can sing both lines at separate times upon request and when the drums finally kick back in fully at the climax of the song, I let out a sigh of relief or bang on my car wheel in exultant joy, whichever is more of an option at the time.

1.

All Is Forgiven – Jellyfish

Spilt Milk. 1993. Charisma

I always loved this song from the first time I heard it, but I didn’t realize how much I loved it until maybe April 2006. I found out about Jellyfish first semester of college in the Fall of ’02 and heard this song, and knew it was great. The constant tom-tom driven drums, the fuzzy, almost white noise distorted guitar, and the half time bass throughout. It was great. Then in April I put it on my mp3 player for the walk to school, and then I listened to it for about two weeks straight. Seriously. It runs into the next song entitled “Russian Hill” which is almost as good, but because it’s a separate song, I couldn’t include it on the list, but in my mind, they always run together and are basically one long 9 minute song. The ending just gets more and more white noise filled until you can barely take it anymore and then it just cuts off completely into the slow acoustic intro for Russian Hill. It’s perfect in every way. I think this would fall into the category of great song. And the way the song builds up right to the middle of the song and then cuts out completely except for some very VERY faint xylophone noodling, and then busts back in with some feedback directly into guitar solo. Man I love this song.

[onwardintolight]

What did you go to college for and what is your current job/career? Any tips for people starting college? How do you decide what to do with your life?

Hi anon! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to answer your question!

My answer’s going to be complicated, because I have a chronic illness which means that I currently don’t have a career. That being said, I’ll try to answer as best I can!

I got my bachelor’s degree in linguistics. I absolutely LOVED it. I chose it because I loved it; I’ve always been fascinated by languages, and I found linguistics to be equally fascinating, wonderfully challenging, and a whole heck of a lot of fun. I started college declaring a major in letters (a broad degree mostly focused on languages, literature, and classical studies), but as soon as I took Intro to Linguistics fall of my sophomore year, I was hooked for good.

I was never quite sure what I wanted to do with linguistics, but there were many opportunities I could pursue, and I had an idea that maybe I’d eventually go to grad school to farther my options (perhaps studying linguistic anthropology, as I’ve always been really interested in the fight to save endangered languages). But that got put on hold indefinitely because….

Despite my love for linguistics, my main passion was dance, and for years I thought I was destined to be a dance teacher (I tried out teaching a class one year, and it was an incredible experience). You may be wondering, if this was the case, why didn’t I major in dance in college? That was a hard decision, but ultimately, through a lot of prayer and reflection, I felt like continuing to pursue dance with the dance studio I was at at the time was the right place for me to be. I was learning a lot, dancing with a performing troupe, and making some of the best memories, in an environment that was good for my soul.

On the side, during all of this, I was teaching music lessons on the hammered dulcimer, a folk instrument I’ve played since I was eleven, so that was always in the back of my mind as something I could continue to do.

To add another layer to all of this, I got married in college. My husband was studying to be an engineer. Consequently, I didn’t feel a whole lot of pressure to decide on what I was going to do right after college — I would pursue dancing and/or something to do with linguistics, while he would, God-willing, be the main breadwinner.

Naturally, things didn’t go as planned. My husband graduated with his master’s degree right in the middle of the recession, and despite his degree and impressive credentials, he was unable to find employment for a whole year. In the meantime, I picked up a job working in an after-school program, as I’d had experience with kids and teaching. It helped pay the bills, and it was incredibly rewarding, but it wasn’t something I wanted to continue doing as a career. Then my husband got a job in another state, we moved, and I continued my dance training. Eight months later, we moved across the country again after my husband’s job turned out to be a nightmare. I continued dancing in our new home and finally reached a level I was hoping to be at in order to teach again. When we moved back to our home state a year and a half later, I felt ready to jump into teaching dance as a career.

…And then, chronic illness struck. After a long, hard journey, I was eventually diagnosed with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), an immune disease that causes my body to release inordinate amounts of histamine, giving me random allergic reactions that are miserable and debilitating. One of the many triggers, unfortunately, happens to be exercise, particularly certain types of exercise like dance. I found that I was unable to dance anymore without getting sick, and it was devastating. (My illness has also made it impossible for me to keep a steady job.)

So, I’ve had to let go of my dream of being a dance teacher (I’m more glad than ever now that I didn’t major in dance in college, and focused on getting the experiences I wanted through my studio!). However, in letting go, I’ve found other things my heart is calling me towards. Writing is one of them — I probably never would have found I enjoyed writing fiction if it weren’t for being too sick to dance. I may have also found a way I can jump back into linguistics at home — I’m currently looking into what it would take to learn ancient Akkadian and Sumerian so I can join the effort to translate cuneiform tablets (there are thousands in museums that have never been translated). We’ll see how that goes. And in addition to all of that, I’m hoping to be a mother someday — I’m not sure whether I’ll be a full-time stay-at-home mom yet, but I know that’s a valid choice and I may end up deciding that’s where I want to be.

We’ll see.

So that’s my story so far. Here’s what I’ve learned:

- So much depends on things I don’t know, future possibilities and variables I have no way of seeing right now, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had to learn to just take life as it comes. To take the next step that’s lying there clear before me, trusting that God will make it all go somewhere meaningful and worthwhile.

- My dad has often quoted a commencement speech Steve Jobs gave at Stanford, remarking on what good career advice it had. One of the things he’s relayed to us, over and over, is that life is full of zig-zags. We so often plan our lives in a straight line (this will be my major, this will be my career, this is when I want to get married, etc.), and life rarely works out that way. However, the zig-zags you end up going on can all add up to something incredibly worthwhile. And sometimes it’s only through zig-zagging that you can arrive at a place where you feel like you truly belong or a career that calls you by name. My dad’s a prime example of this — he started out in med school, decided he didn’t want to be a doctor on one of the last days of his exams, walked out, ended up studying geology at a different college, became a high school chemistry teacher, went back to grad school to study history of science, and is now a professor and the curator of an incredible old, rare book collection at a university. His career has zig-zagged all over the place, but each zig and zag have been experiences that have made him who he is and, in the end, led him to where he is now. So don’t be afraid to listen to your heart and try different things. Don’t be afraid to zig-zag.

- Another great quote from my dad: “Don’t be afraid to do badly.” Sometimes failure is the only way we grow and learn and, in the end, succeed. You can’t achieve great things if you aren’t willing to accept the possibility of failure. On a more concrete level, you can’t pass your exam very easily if you’re petrified with anxiety about getting everything perfect. Perfectionism is a curse (one my dad knew his daughters struggled with greatly). Ain’t nobody got time for that!

- Money is overrated. Love and experiences and happiness are not. Don’t ignore the latter in favor of the former. If you have a passion for something, it may be difficult and you may have to work hard, but you can (hopefully) find a way to make it work.

- Ultimately? I don’t know how I would manage any of the twists and turns my life has sent me so far without a whole crap-ton of prayer, faith, love and community. That’s kept me going and kept me hoping, even when I’ve been tempted to give up.

Finally, some advice on starting college:

- It’s overwhelming at first, and that’s okay and normal. You’ll settle in and find your place eventually.

- Introduce yourself to someone else in every class you’re in. Strike up conversations. Be active in making friends. This will 1) potentially result in some good friendships, 2) make you feel less lonely, as college can (especially at first) feel like a very lonely place, and 3) give you someone you can reach out to in case you miss a class and need to exchange notes. I know this is difficult sometimes — I’m an introvert, I hate small talk — but as college went on and I did this more and more, I found it to be incredibly worthwhile.

- Explore! It’s okay to not have a major at first. Try out different classes. See what grabs you, what makes you wonder, what gives you joy.

- Apply for ALL the scholarships you can every year (before the scholarship deadlines roll around — make sure you know when they are). It’s a lot of work, but it can potentially save you from a heck of a lot more work and free you up to focus more on your studies!

- Show up. Be diligent. Yes, you can skip classes occasionally in college, and sometimes that’s really nice (especially if you’re having a really bad physical or mental health day). But definitely don’t make a habit of it, because if you do you won’t do well. In college you have to work on being self-motivated and self-disciplined, even when it’s hard. (And I say this as someone who struggled with depression, and some chronic illness, throughout most of my college years. It’s HARD. But just keep putting one foot in front of the other, as long as you’re able. And learn your limits; when you need to skip a class one day or reach out to a teacher for help or drop a class entirely. Sometimes that’s okay! Persevere hard, but extend yourself grace and forgiveness when you can’t.)

- Take ALL the notes. Seriously, don’t skimp on this. (If you miss a class, get the notes from someone else.) Then, when it’s time to prep for an exam, you can study your notes and be pretty sure you have it all covered. Some professors will let you take notes on your computer (which I like because I can type faster than I write); some won’t. It might help to ask your professor beforehand.

- If you’re struggling with a class, take advantage of your professor’s office hours (or if it’s not quite that dire, talk to them after class). Most professors love it when students do this because it shows you care and that you’re motivated. They really want to help you succeed. 

- And remember, no matter how alone you feel, you are not alone — you have people around you who are struggling too, people around you who care about you, and campus resources if you need them. Reach out. 

That’s all I can think of right now! If anyone else has any additional advice, feel free to chime in! I hope this is helpful, anon, even if my “career path” hasn’t exactly been traditional. I wish you all the best in college! 💜

[seaboundbysunrise]

Hitting The Books!

Alright, I’ll warn you now – this is going to be a long one! Today I’m going to try and go through the various elements of orals prep that you’ll encounter. Just like orals prep itself, this’ll probably be a bit of a slog.

Organisation

Your MCA Orals exam will be conducted as per MGN 69. Get familiar with this document as it’ll form the framework of your revision. Personally I broke each section down and wrote it up as a checklist, ticking everything I covered as I went along. You'll probably avoid most of the subjects in the exam but it's sods law that they'll ask about the one thing you missed out, so be prepared!

  Classes

I can only speak from experience but almost all classes during phase five at Warsash were optional. Make a point of talking to your course coordinator early on and getting a plan for the semester so that you know who is covering what. Ideally someone should be allocated to cover every bullet point in MGN69 but in reality it's unlikely to happen - we had some great tutors who really did their best for us and some who knew they were optional and applied that to their prep as well. 

If you haven't had a proper COLREGS unit in phase three, get them to arrange some COLREG lessons asap. We got lucky - the phase leader had bought in an ex-MCA examiner for mock orals who raised some hell after we told him that we hadn't had a COLREGs unit, leading to him being hired for a crash course. Those lectures were great and he really did the best with the time he was given but we could have done with a proper unit earlier on as well as revision sessions in Phase 5. Don't be apathetic on this, HOLD YOUR COLLEGE ACCOUNTABLE.

It's worth noting that these lessons are revision - you'll probably learn something, but the tutors won't be going through everything in detail like normal classes. If you find yourself a little lost during one of them, use it as a signpost for where you need to be focusing your energies. Likewise, if it's a piece of cake then you can probably take your foot off the gas in that area for a while!

With Peers

Peer-to-peer study cannot be praised enough. For one, it makes it as close to fun as revision can be - it's way more satisfying to vent your frustration to people you can have a laugh with than to a brick wall. Also, your final exam is an ORAL exam, so the benefits of being able to answer questions orally to people who know what you're talking about and can correct you cannot be understated.

Private Tuition

Admittedly, this isn't a route I went down, but it can be a great reassurance to people and I've heard that it can be a massive help in terms of formatting your lights / COLREGs answers. We did have a tutor who put a remarkable amount of his own time into helping us either one-on-one or in small groups, and although it was difficult at times (no one likes having how little they know in an area pointed out) it was well worth it.

Techniques

By this point you should know what works for you in terms of revision - it may be notes stuck on a wall, repeatedly writing down facts, quizzes, or flip cards. Whatever works for you, lean into it.

I personally found old papers and flip cards to help. I used cards for lights, sound signals, and bouys, and got friends to test me using old papers for the rest. If nothing else, the past papers will give you a good sense of the format for the final exam, taking out one of the major stress points.

Also, if you're struggling with lights, make yourself a lights book. Get some colored pens (or sticky dots, in my case) and go through COLREGS drawing out every vessel at every angle (from ahead, being, and at least one side). It's a long, tedious process that will be pointless but once you finish and start trying to identify vessels you'll realist that you've begun to understand the language that is shipping lights. Trust me on this one!

Personal Experience

Honestly, I hate revising. Without being able to put knowledge into practice I never know what I actually know and what I think I know. One of the biggest issues people find when revising for their Orals is falling down rabbit holes and hyper focusing on small sections at the expense of everything else. Remember, your examiner only has an hour or so to test you, so general knowledge will take up about 40 minutes - in the grand scheme of things, they can't cover that much, so it's better to have a working knowledge of all things rather than an indepth knowledge of a few and not much else.

Also, take breaks! If you're getting pressure headaches nothing you read is going to be absorbed so cut yourself some slack. Likewise, if you cut out everything you enjoy, you'll begin to resent revising, and that never helps with information retention. I'm not saying go out and get smashed, making the next couple of days a complete write off, but do get out and clear your head now and then.

If you want more advice, check out this article by Whitehorse Maritime for some less biased tips on revision.

Until next time, Stay lucky.

[metoocaa-blog]

#MeTooCAA (Chicago 2010)

TW: sexual assault

98th CAA Conference – Chicago 2010. Written on 9 June 2011, in a letter to my rapist (never sent). The night from my point of view:

I had finished interviewing and a bunch of [university redacted] folks met in the lobby to go out for the evening to celebrate the close of the conference and the successful interviews for many of us. We ended up going to the place where I met * and his wife, a few nights prior. A good time at the bar. Drinks flowing freely. Felt good about the evening’s social dynamics. Even you made me feel comfortable because you weren’t up to your normal, controlling antics. ** and I were not ready to go home, and you decided to join us for a nightcap at the Hard Rock Hotel. Afterwards (it was quite late, and I was drunk), I accepted your invitation to walk me home – your hotel was just a few blocks past mine. I felt safe. Outside my hotel you grabbed me and kissed me. I didn’t expect it. want it. or respond. I WAS DRUNK.  Everything happened so fast. We were in my room. Removing my clothes. I thought it would just be easier, professionally, if I let it happen. I didn’t want you. My heart was with ***. I tried to just let my mind go blank. Could you not tell that I wasn’t my normal, active self? Did you just chalk it up to alcohol? When the blood came [a perineal tear], I was terrified. Horrified. Remember that this happened before, long ago with **** (my first sex partner). I told you to go shower while I assessed the situation. I felt immediately sober. Blood everywhere. A pint? You surely didn’t cause this with the (insignificant) size of your cock. It was that I was bone dry, and clearly not even my body was consenting. You showered. I realized the blood had stopped. I sat, crumpled on the floor, against the window. No longer able to bear your presence, I finally got the guts to tell you to leave. You told me to get dressed and walk you downstairs, because “if I bled out in the night,” you didn’t want the last person the hotel staff saw me with, and then asked me if I was clean, since you didn’t bother to use a condom. Had me promise to double-check. Never offering me the same. As if I wouldn’t after this. I didn’t bleed out in the night. Instead, I woke, showered, went to the [university redacted] breakfast. Told *****. Smiled and put up with the bullshit for ‘[university redacted] propaganda photos’ at the AIC. (Which I still occasionally see on the website [even on social media in 2018]). Freaked out to ****** on the phone outside of the MCA. Ate a cheeseburger at the Billy Goat Tavern (I did lose a lot of iron.)

Asshole. Self-absorbed asshole. Rapist (I said it, even if most of the time I cannot even think the word).

It [the blood] happened again. A few months later. I don’t think I was fully healed. It happened with ***. And it was one of his kindest moments. Used humor to pull me back out of the hole I was slipping into.

Every time I have sex (or any permutation thereof), it’s always at the back of my head that it [the blood] will happen again. Only when I know that it won’t horrify the other person if it does, can I relax. Only when they know what happened can I relax.

Asshole.

I went to CAA in NYC [in 2011] and was on the edge of a panic attack the whole time that I would have to see you. Interact with you as if you were not the worthless human being that I know you are.

I am getting help now. To get past this. You may have damaged me severely. But not permanently. You will NOT continue to fuck with my relationships. Or my professional life. You are not that important. You are just a rapist.

PS: Stop trying to communicate with me, as if all is fine. Pretend that we don’t know each other. I wish that were true, anyways.

 99th CAA Conference – New York City 2011 (written January 2019)

I couldn’t even call it what it was: rape. I spent the conference on the verge of a panic attack, worried that I would run into you again. I had drinks with ********, she named it (rape), and encouraged me to go and get professional help. I was so thankful for her kindness and friendship.

 100th CAA Conference – Los Angeles 2012 (written January 2019)

[university redacted] (forgoing the breakfast at the crack of dawn for the first and perhaps only time) held an evening reception. I was hanging out with my former professor and now friend, *********, and another friend of hers. We first went to another mixer (her alma mater), before wandering over to [university redacted]’s. I was making small talk with folks when I saw you wander in. It was at that point that I decided to take my leave. I said goodnight to *********, and made it out into the hallway when ********** (the director of the school) followed me out and asked me to come back in because he wanted to introduce me to some older alumni. Because I respect him, I reluctantly came back into the room. He made the introductions and moved on, leaving me to make small talk (which I can do, and do well). Suddenly you made yourself part of the conversation, and I could feel my blood pressure rising. I tried to politely excuse myself, and you followed me, shifting the conversation to how you knew that I had blocked you on social media. My body language gave everything away to *********. She knew that I had survived a sexual assault, knew it was with someone from [university redacted], but didn’t know any of the other details. I am not sure how much time passed with me again mentally shutting down as you interrogated me, and I don’t remember the details of your monologue, but I do remember ********* and her friend suddenly appearing on either side of me, informing you that we were leaving. They flanked me as we left the room, and you followed us out, continuing your monologue. I remember bits and pieces of it – something about you claiming that you did care about me (bullshit), and other such nonsense. ********* and her friend just made sure I had my eyes and my focus on them (instead of you) as we walked out in to the hotel lobby, and finally away from you.

We spent the rest of the night out at a restaurant, talking about the rape and them supporting me. I was so thankful for those two amazing women.

The next day you were at it again, this time staring me down from across the entry expanse into the convention center. I was sitting on a bench outside, and you made sure I saw you, and stared at me, keeping your head turned my way until you entered the building.

 104th CAA Conference – Washington DC 2016 (written January 2019)

Thankfully there were fewer interactions this time, but I am always on my guard. You found me while I was waiting at a bus stop, headed across town to see a friend from undergrad. You made sure to tell me that you knew where I was working now. I still refrain from staying at the conference hotel, while that was also true the night of the rape, I do it now to make sure I have someplace away from the conference for retreat, this time though, you walked towards what was also my hotel. I was on even higher alert as I went into and out of the hotel.

At the [university redacted] breakfast (the evening reception was a short-lived experiment), you made sure to pass directly behind me each time you made your way to the breakfast buffet spread. There were other paths you could take. While we were not at the same table, don’t think I didn’t notice. I only half paid attention to the conversations at hand.

  Mercat a la Planxa, restaurant in The Blackstone Hotel, written July 2018:

It’s still light outside, and there are people settled at tables around me, seemingly happily conversing with each other over drinks, steaks (and grilled green onions – which look quite good). I’ve ordered a 9 oz pour of their driest Spanish white, some croquetas de jamon, and the ‘pa amb tomaquet’ al estilo Catalan. It’s intentional that I’m seated here, at the end of a conference (this time the Midwest Museums Conference), writing this reflection. I stayed at The Blackstone for the 98th College Art Association Conference. I can’t quite remember when I checked in – either the 9th or 10th of February – and checked out late on the 13th. This AMM conference has me thinking quite a bit about that span of days – in many ways there are some resonances that I hadn’t quite realized would exist when I signed up for a room (this time) at the conference hotel – the Chicago Marriot. As I drove up, I realized that the hotel was just across the street from The Blackstone. Again, I was splitting a room with one of my closest friends from my master’s program, whom I hadn’t shared a room with since the 98th College Art Association Conference. She, again, was leaving a day before me. A few nights prior, at the after-conference drinks at the hotel bar, I recognized the all-too-familiar expression of a young colleague who was squirming under the unwanted attentions of a senior conference attendee. I had made the young colleague’s acquaintance earlier in the evening and knew that this was their first conference; that they were trying to find their sea legs as a salesperson, and the older colleague had (and I will be generous here) misread the younger colleague’s attempts at networking for interest. I decided to excuse myself from my conversation, insert myself in their conversation and see if the younger colleague wanted to join me at the bar to refill our drinks. They thanked me for helping them out. It happened again the next evening, with the same older colleague pursuing the younger colleague, and I again stepped in to put myself between the more senior colleague’s unwanted advances and their intended target. It was then that I realized that there was more operating here than basic human kindness: I was responding as a result of my sexual assault that happened just across the street, as I too tried to traverse the professional landmines of being a conference attendee, navigating the complex power networks of a professional conference.  

 (written January 2019)

I had been thinking for some time on how to turn the events of that night in February 2010 into some additional good. I say ‘additional’ because I already mark that night as the moment from which I would take no more shit. That I would do my best to always be assertive and speak truth to power. I’ve also trained and worked as a rape crisis counselor in Erie County, New York, hoping that I could provide a tether to resources for others that eluded me that night and the morning after. In this moment of presidential pussy grabbers and Supreme Court predators, #NotSurprised, #TimesUp, and #MeToo, it was time to take this conversation back to CAA and think about systemic change. I tell my story not because I think it is unique, in fact, I tell it because there are many others who have been the unwilling targets of predatory behavior by academics who “use informality, alcohol, power hierarchies and enforced proximity to exploit and harass their victims.”[1] It happens across academic conferences – a quick look at this year’s twitter threads from AHA and ASA (especially #MeTooPhD), and the beginnings of systemic change such as the 2017 American Political Science Association survey on harassment at annual meetings[2], the Women’s Classical Caucus’ statement on harassment at the Society for Classical Studies[3] (2017), the report “Open Secrets and Missing Stairs: Sexual and Gender-Based Harassment at Scientific Meetings” [4] (2017), and the American Library Association ‘statement of appropriate conduct’ for conferences[5] (2014).

CAA’s “Restatement of Values”[6] (2016) and “Guidelines for CAA Interviews”[7] (2015) start the conversation but leave open the question of onus and power in the situation.

#MeTooCAA, an Idea Exchange roundtable taking place at 10:30 am on Friday (2/15) begins a conversation on structural changes to power dynamics at CAA, providing space for and centering the marginalized and less powerful. In the meantime, feel free to share your own stories here or use the #MeTooCAA hashtag to converse across social media.

[1] Tweet by Dr. Charlotte Lydia Riley (@Lottelydia) 1/2/19

[2] http://www.apsanet.org/portals/54/files/apsa%20ethicscommitteesexual%20harassment%20report%20final.pdf?ver%3D2018-02-01-133219-887

[3] https://classicalstudies.org/scs-news/scs-statement-harassment-annual-meeting

[4] https://static1.squarespace.com/static/51a662bde4b06440a1627b96/t/58b067e846c3c4cf659bd4e3/1487955946386/Open+Secrets+and+Missing+Stairs.pdf

[5] http://www.ala.org/conferencesevents/statement_appropriate_conduct

[6] “We defend academic freedom as forcefully as we reject discrimination, bigotry, sexual assault, and violence against the vulnerable.” See http://www.collegeart.org/news/2016/11/22/caa-restatement-of-values-november-2016/

[7] “Conduct meetings in neutral spaces such as the interviewing tables and booths provided at the conference by CAA or in hotel suites which offer neutral spaces outside of bedrooms. CAA does not condone interviewing candidates in hotel bedrooms.” See http://www.collegeart.org/standards-and-guidelines/guidelines/etiquette

Written by Claire K.

[lovedailylife-blog]

Adulting.

Let’s face it at one point or another, whether that be earlier or later in life, you face some insane difficulty. Whether it be moving, financial insecurity, working, or what have you it can get hard. But one thing I’ve learned is you should always look into your future, always plan ahead! You never know when your car could break down, you could get in an accident, or even something could go wrong in your home. Point is you always what your butt to be covered! When I was a sophomore in college Josh and I were in a car accident which resulted in totaling my car, we were in New York when we wrecked and we were coming there from Ohio. We were about 5 hours into our trip, we still had about 3+hours to go, in the middle of a snow storm, at 5 am. Now with that said it was horrible, but luckily Josh’s friend was following us and we had a ride to take us the rest of the way in our trip. But due to all the things we had in our car when the tow truck came(which my AAA only covered 5 miles of towing, my monthly payment of nothingness!) we had to leave a bunch of my things in there and come back for them on the way back to Ohio. So not only did I end up having to pay $30 for towing the extra 2 miles, but we weren’t able to get a rental car. NOW for those of you who have never or never think you’ll be in the predicament , there are many factors into getting a stupid freakin rental car. First off! If you are under the age of pretty much 25 you can pretty much kiss the chance of getting a reasonably priced rental car good-bye! It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been at fault in an accident , or an points on your license, or even received a ticket, you’re going to pay out the ass for a rental car. Also if you do not have a credit card in YOUR name with a high enough credit score they will refuse you. Which is beyond ridiculous. Now this was about a year ago, while doing a bit of research for this blog post I just found that the rental company we were talking to about a car and refused us a rental car because we didn’t have a credit card, was in fact going against the law. In the state of New York a rental car company cannot refuse someone of renting a car due to not having a credit card, being 18 or older, race, origin, religion, etc... Let me get to the whole point of this post, because we want to be more proactive about our vehicles and the security we have with them we invested in MCA, or Motor Club of America. This company a) has WAY better benefits than AAA, b) the rates for it are WAY cheaper than AAA, and c) they are way more responsive and helpful than AAA. We decided to invest in ourselves and our cars because of all the traveling we do. I highly suggest you check MCA out ! For example, with AAA and the cheapest package they offer 5 miles of towing(not very helpful, towing is expensive), and on the flip side MCA’s cheapest package gives you 100 MILE OF TOWING! What ?! 100 miles ?!?! They are a great company who is very helpful and very responsive, offering better benefits for a low rate! I will provide you guys with a link to Josh’s MCA page, where you can read up more on benefits, check out different packages, the most expensive being about $20.00 a month, and you guys can sign up and help yourself battle the unexpected areas of your future! Help keep yourself safe guys! 

Much Love, 

J

There are 2 memberships designed to meet your needs and give you Peace of Mind. MCA Security - $9.95 per month MCA Total Security - $19.95 per month