#also im not seeing anna for two weeks cause she is on vacation

[actual-changeling]

a little life update for those who care but also i use tumblr as my diary so there's that. if you don't wanna see personal stuff just blog the tag and you're good

for those not up to date on my family background: father - shitbag, mother: probably narcissistic, both abusive and also divorced. i live alone thank god. sister - just as mentally ill as me.

ive been living alone for two years now and most of that time was spent trying to do college, juggle my relationship and try not to fall apart with all my trauma and disorders trying to crush me to death. as expected, that did not work out. ex is an ex, i am doing horribly, and this is the first time in my entire life that i can catch a break and have nothing to do.

problem: college.

bigger problem: attempting classes right now has a good chance of landing me in a psychward and/or dead because i cannot handle stress, full and complete burn out and major depressive episodes while my body and brain attempt to somehow process 21 years of intense debilitating trauma.

my emotional stability is non existent, i crack like an egg under the slightest pressure, and there is so much happening in my brain i wouldnt even know where to begin untangeling that bitch.

i am on meds, i see a wonderful therapist, who also suggested i just. take an empty semester so i can have a break. did i almost break down crying today? yes. yes i did. she was very concerned but it's all good now. i think anna has a point because the pure thought of college is making me want to cry until i throw up. im breaking apart and trying to keep myself together with tape and glue and i dont even know if thats the best way to go about it. maybe i just need to fall apart and see what happens then, who knows.

im tired of life. im exhausted. so bone deep exhausted it's like a giant weight pulling me down with every single thought breath or movement. i have always been this exhausted, literally since i was a toddler. no one has been able to fix it yet. im just tired. i just need everything to stop and i need to fix myself. no idea how that will ever happen though so you can imagine that my current outlook on uhhh existing isn't too great

im tired. i keep trying. im still tired. that about sums it up.

[jaeden-illustrations]

Love Drowned

@dianakko-week Day 3 : how they fell in love 

pairing : diakko / dianakko (diana + atsuko)

reading time : ~ 5min 

approximate word count : 1200

context : this is an AU where Luna Nova is a normal school, but with professional SWIMMERS in training, in stead of witches. Diana talks about her days to her dead mother through her diary. As the days go by, Diana tends to write more and more about Akko, not even realizing she is spilling her love interest to her mother.

I based the ‘moment they fell in love’, on the episode of the anime, where there is the big witch ceremonial festival, where Diana summons a unicorn, and the red team get eaten by a big sad ghost. Yeah, that’s that. 

(i’m also sorry i got to lazy to properly finish this, but i will try to continue this AU later on. alsotheendingisapracticaljoke, it doesn't actually happen, lmao)

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(Sun) September 1st , 2014

Good evening Bernadette,

 Today is the last day of summer, which means, school is starting over. Finally.

New year, new beginnings.

As you already well know, vacation has always been a time of the year I dread most. Having to endure two months of it, is an amount of time utterly painful for me. How can I become the world’s greatest swimmer, if so much time of my life is wasted on things else than training?

But alas, time has come.

This also means, there are only two more years before graduation, and I’ll be off to university. Each year passing by, has only got more thrilled!

 Jeana is worried about me. She says that ever since you pa , ever since you told us your farewells, she has judge me too hard of a worker. Though she is always so polite, it seems she is inclined to using the term “sportaholic”. She says it would pain you to see me so deep into my training, “never taking a brake” as she puts it. Is it true? Do you worry for me? For I must assure you, I find myself most fine and content in my hard work. I hope you can see that.

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 (M) September 2nd , 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 Today went by quickly. Nothing much changed since last year. My classmates are almost all the same. Anna and Barbara are still by my side, like always. They haven’t changed either. Always chattering and blabbing about anything and everything. I’d forgot how much I preferred to be alone. I usually find the silence quite comforting. I believe the library will yet again be my best friend. Although I must say, nothing can ever relieve my heart the way you do. You’ve been such a great friend and listener to me all these years, through and through. I certainly can’t thank you enough. I miss you. Always.

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(F) September 6th , 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 For the first in a long time, a new student has arrived in our school. She is from a foreign country. Japan. She will be in my class for the year.

As head of school club comity, and Luna Nova’s best student, it was my duty to accompany her throughout the school. After the tour, we said our goodbyes, and I haven’t payed much attention to her since. Or at least, I tried. Work is always more interesting than most people of course. Yet, in the little time this new girl has been here, she’s been making quiet a fool out of herself.

She doesn’t listen in class, often distracts everyone with her unspeakable manners, and worst of all, when we did our first swimming lesson, she didn’t know how to dive! It was quite ridiculous seeing her in such struggle. I am still perplexed as to how Luna Nova could allow such low trained commoner enter our team.

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 (W) September 27th 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 Today was spent making preparations for the synchronized swimming event we are holding next week. Establishments from all around the United Kingdom and Ireland will be participating. The festival is something quite intense and a bit stressful for our teachers and the principal. It is why I naturally accepted to help with the making of posters and to organize the new shower head delivery and the arrangements of new pool filters to complete the renovations.

The event must be perfect. After all, Luna Nova has its reputation at stake.

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 (F) September 30th 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 Today was the great “Luna Nova Autumn Dive Festival”. Everything was in order. Everything was perfect.

All the snacks had been laid out, posters put in place, showers scrubbed, and prizes stored.

When th evening started, the classes of Dublin were the first to present. Then came that of Limerick. Then Whales and London. Aberdeen, Edimburg, Cambridge, thus leaving the hosts for last.

Each school had remarkable performances, though the judges seemed particularly unimpressed.

I had spent the night before the event, embroidering our ancestral coat of arms on my suit, believing it would provide me with our family’s hope and strength.

So finally came my turn.

Although the event held most rules from the sport, some other specific things were allowed too. This is why the girls and I had agreed on making a very special move at the end of our performance. 

As the show unraveled, after spinning a few times at the top of the water, all three of us plunged under the surface. Anna went at the bottom of the pool, while Barbara put herself on her hands. This allowed me to go on top of her, and to push through the surface of the water, with a back layout flip before diving back into the water without disturbing it.

As I swam to the ladder and pulled myself out of the pool, multiple students from other teams came running at my side to congratulate me. The crowd all around also seemed quite impressed. I must say the recognition of my hard work was quiet comforting.

I wish you had been there to see it.

  actually… you’re right. There is something else. Something troubling me... It’s about Atsuko Kagari. You know, the new foreign student.

Because this event concerned our school, all of our classes had to participate, meaning that even though the new girl could barely swim a few laps without running out of breath, she still had to put on a show, like everyone else. Yet, she didn’t seem discouraged at all. Quite the opposite actually. She was fierce and determined. Until the very last second, she was training in the second pool, to make sure she could compete.

I’ve seen her train. Day after day she stayed past school curfew, sneaking at night into the pool, to work and train. But what was most shocking, was the look she gave,that day ; when she came out of the pool and through the changing room, still dripping, and stared at me dead in the eyes : “Watch me.” was all she said, before entering the second pool to show the judges.

The power this girl holds, just bewilders me. Though she says she doesn’t want to prove herself to anyone, I simply refuse to believe her. How could such a frail girl hold such determination…

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 (W) October 14th 2014

 Good evening,

 Atsuko Kagari is such a pain.

Let me enlighten you on the subject. She has been continuously falling behind the program and her grades are disastrous! This implies she has to work extra time, thus meaning she hasn’t any time from training, and though professor Ursula has been her assigned mentor, she has been notably unable to provide Atsuko with the right aid, so, the teacher counselors have now turned to me.  

I used to love helping people. It has always been my noble “cup of tea”, but when it comes to Atsuko, my patience suddenly vacates me immediately. No matter the effort I give, it is like she is bound to go toward the opposite of scholar success. This doesn’t either amply her troublesome attitude, which has already caused her near expulsion for the third time this week.

I am lost to what to do. Some help would much be appreciated. Until next time.

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*many, many, MANY pages later*

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 (F) December 13th 2014

 Evening,

I think im gay

[annashipper]

JT Anon

Anna:  JT sent me a very ranty submission in reply to this ask (LINK), so I’m including the ask herein for easy reference:

Nonny:   if they did go home together they could both have used the back door, no? why the pap op? to help publicize kubrick event, perhaps? also, she might have stayed in nyc because she has friends to see and didn’t need to rush back two days after met gala. we don’t know whether whole family, including nanny, didn’t come to nyc cause we didn’t see anyone, including BC, arrive at JFK. so it’s possible they all arrived together and left separately. details.

JT Anon:  but nonny this is the problem, we ALWAYS have to think of some excuse as to why ben is travelling alone, and surely they must have just arrived together (or left together). the fact of the matter is, ben went on record to say that if he is EVER away form the kids for more than a day or two, he has the entire family w him. full stop. that is what he said. and yet immediately after he said that we have not seen him travelling w his kids once. not once. in fact we’ve never seen ben and sophie complete a trip together since she gave ‘birth’. its always only on one end. also between you and me, the idea that these two have to have a nanny w them 24/7 because they can’t simply parent their kids w out other adults is hellah sad to me. i know they would be going to events etc, but still.

maybe thats why BC doesn’t have any anecdotes about his kids, he doesn’t actually spend any time w them at all. he is constantly farming them off to other people

personally, while im w anna in that i think the majority of enty stuff is pr fed, if i were to believe that the kids were real and living w him, then i believe enty when he says ben is just simply lying. mainly because only a pretty nasty guy would drag his tiny newborn infants onto multiple flights into different time zones, only to ditch them w the help and not parent them on said flights

I also agree w enty that he is lying about having his kids w him everywhere because we just haven’t seen it. it just simply doesn’t make sense that a man would go to all the trouble to hire very expensive 24/7 hour help (because, again, who wants to be left alone w their kids? not ben. not sophe. if what ben says is true, these two are not hands on parents. we have a lot of proof of that) only to arrive and leave w them sep every single time. i mean, what sort of man disrupts his kids like that so he can feel like he is being a god father, all the while not even bothering to sit w them on a plane? like if ben cant even get on and off a plane w his kids…

in this case, the simplest ex is likely the truth. he is lying. we have photographic evidence of bens travels, and since saying he is never w out them, we have actually never seen him w them.

if you believe that the kids are real, and that ben is not such a horrid parent that he immediately leaves the plane, ignoring his kids and walking off in front of cameras for pap shots, leaving either w a nanny or both sophie and a nanny to struggle w the kids (out the door w no paps? if he is private, and the kids have found a way in and out of the airport w out paps…why don’t they all do that…since they don’t want attention)

this brings us back to those little calendars of travel we have of ben. assuming the kids are real, ben has left his kids for literally MONTHS. months. If you add up all the weeks he took off, its been MONTHS he has left his kids, from the min they were born. he has left his kids for months, because i do not believe he has had them w him (and ben, if you drag kids through an airport now its not going to convince me). we have proof he lied and doesn’t take them w him.

If I were to believe the kids were real, then at this point i would think that all of that talk about finding his love and finally rocking his babies in his arms were stories for branding purposes. (i happen to think they were, however i always assumed there was some mild truth to it and they just hammered it to make him likeable to his female fan base, that the topic didn’t actually loom that large in his head) and because he branded himself as being desperate for love and babies, when sophie turned up preg, likely not by him, he had to double down on it. plus i also think he saw attention and big ass dollar signs. i think he and his team know that sophie causes this little discussion, and they are very happy to keep her around, and seen exactly the way she is to cont this steady stream of attention and eyeballs on his articles and pics that have her just off to the side. then not, then to the side again.  

hence the stories that he travels w his kids when we can see he does not

hence the stories that he rushes to give them a bath every night when we can see him away from home at at events were that isn’t possible.

hence all the other anecdotes from him about kids that are impossibilities and lies

if i were to believe the kids were real, i would believe that he is not a hands on father. that he does not spend much time, if any at all, w his kids. that he has round the clock care raising them. that he isn’t that interested in being a parent, and his stories are just keeping up w previous branding that was also untrue.

I personally always thought that pining for love and a family thing was for branding for his female fanbase, and if his kids and marriage are real, then i tend to believe it was less true and more branding  than i had originally thought

I think this is why so many of the nans have to tangle and pin red string onto dates and locations when seeing ben travelling alone and not out w his kids and saying things about kids that make no sense. they bought the pining for love and a kid thing hook, line and sinker. they thought it was the absolute truth. it never occurred to them that bens team took “yeah , sure id like a wife and kids one day” and turned it into “Ben weeping out of loneliness wants nothing more than to find his soulmate and rock his babies it consumes his heart!” because the response from his fan base was positive.  Because they bought this story and didn’t for one second think anything about bens personality was tweaked and manufactured, they can’t entertain the idea that now, now that he has found his heart (he TOLD them he lovedher! He SAID we HAVE to love her too!!!) and has kids, that his behaviour wouldn’t match whatever fairy tale they have in their heads.

they cannot accept that ben leaves his kids for weeks on end, so there MUST be some convoluted story of sophie CONSTANTLY staying behind w a nanny to visit friends when they are in NYC. They have to CONSTANTLY have the nanny w them 24/7 because there is no other way to explain them being in these places and not having their kids. They MUST only be out when they are seen, because they have to explain why he would bring his kids to NYC, only to leave them every night and every day to shop and eat.

I dont know what they’ve come up w to explain the fact that ben has now had 2 or 3 children and has not a single story about parenting that makes sense.

if you believe the kids are real, then the reality is this is not a man who spends time w his kids. his stories suggest he doesn’t even know them frankly. his stories about them make absolutely no sense. anyone who has done a daily routine w kids from ages birth to 8 knows that what he says makes no sense, and there are very specific things he has not said that he could absolutely say w out it being some invasion of privacy

I think nans just don’t want to accept that ben is not a loving hands on father. he doesn’t spend that much time w his kids. he would rather go work and party and vacation and socialise. he is perfectly happy to leave his kids w hired help constantly. he is perfectly happy to go on constant vacations and leave his kids. he isn’t all that interested in being w them during the day.

I think they also don’t want to accept that, like thousands of celebs before them, he sees these kids as a money making opportunity. that doesn’t mean he is forcing them to perform, but he can monetise them, and he has. he has tried to sell their pictures, he is using these silly stories for clicks, he hires paps. he has branded them into his image to make cash, while not spending much time w them

its actually not that hard to believe, it would be what makes the most sense in this situation. ben has kids he doesn’t really care for, isn’t’ interested in parenting. he has the cash to throw at people so he isn’t responsible for them, and he monetises them in as many ways possible to at least get some cash money out of this situation

its only people who believe the branded intimacy that have to spin in circles to make this not that. people who bought the idea that out of all the celebs on earth, he was not branded. they really super duper know him for real. they can tell he is totes genuine, he would never lie to them, he really does love his fans on some intimate level (how on earth?).

admitting that ben is a liar, that he does call the paps, that he does monetise his personal life, that he does brand his kids, that he isn’t the family man he says he is would be to admit that they were wrong about having some sort of understanding about a public figure that is more intimate than is actually possible. they would have to admit that, just like thousands of fans before them, they were suckered into not only thinking HE was special, but THEY are too.

and now before anyone gets on our cases and starts spitting on their computer screen as they shout “BIT RICH FOR YOU GUYS WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY!!!!!!” There is a difference. We simply happen to take what he is saying and think its nor true and that he lies.We work w what we see.

Having said that, there ARE people who are skeptical of this whole thing who DO take it too far and think they they have some sort of connection w ben. The only broad thing I will say about that is, when discussing ANY public figure, if someone truly does believe that there are somehow secret messages being conveyed from said public figure, either from clothing choices, word choices, gestures, and that those secret messages have special meanings for that person because there is some sort of understanding between them and the public figure, despite no actual contact, i would HIGHLY encourage people not to engage w this person. don’t’ make fun of them, don’t’ attempt to talk them out of their thought process, it won’t work. just cut off communication about said public figure

sorry, this was a long one anna!

J travels w her dogs and actually leaves the aiport w them T anon

Anna:  I cosign 99.9% of what JT had to say above.  Especially these two parts:

the fact of the matter is, ben went on record to say that if he is EVER away form the kids for more than a day or two, he has the entire family w him. full stop. that is what he said. and yet immediately after he said that we have not seen him travelling w his kids once. not once. in fact we’ve never seen ben and sophie complete a trip together since she gave ‘birth’. . . . ben has now had 2 or 3 children and has not a single story about parenting that makes sense.

[minnie-marvel]

Tag Game!

Bwahahaha it’s been so long since I’ve done one of these!!! I hope ya’ll aren’t disappointed I’m very vanilla LMAOOOO

I was tagged by @holland-haven @peter-prkers and @signed-potato!!!

Letsa go!

Tag Game

Last

Drink: Water

Phone call: one of my brothers just to see what he was up to

Text Message: “Waffles” telling my mom what I fed my granny for breakfast this morning

Song you listened to: “Ghost of Loreley” -Sasakure.uk/Lasah Listened to this while drawing a gift for a friend last night. Very different music taste I know LOL

Time you cried: Last Wednesday

-cutting off below with a keep reading if you’re interested!-

Ever

Dated someone twice: Nope! 

Kissed someone and regretted it: Again no, everything is an experience and so far I haven’t done anything that’s scarred me too bad!

Been cheated on: nope

Lost someone special: If you mean romantically no. I’ve lost family members that are dear to me although.

Been depressed: yes

Gotten drunk and thrown up: no

Fave colours: varying shades of blue, pink and red

In the last year have you

Made new friends: yeah!!!! Not too many but they’re all close to my heart

Fallen out of love: Nope!

Laughed until you cried: oh hell yeah. Thanks @discountedavengers!!!

Found out someone was talking about you: I mean....not that I’ve found out about LOL

Met someone who changed you: Not too drastically no!!

Found out who your friends are: Nope, everything friend wise has been pretty stable!

Kissed someone on your facebook friends list:Nope

General

How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl: All except two I believe!

Do you have any pets: I have a cat!!! Don’t ask me what his name is though, depending on when and who you ask in my family you’ll get a different answer each time LOL

Do you want to change your name: Nope! Surprisingly, I have some pseudonym across the internet but I wouldn’t change my actual name.

What did you do for your last birthday: ah.... I can’t remember too much. I think I went out with my mom and my friend to a ramen shop like the weekend before and then had cake with my family. But on my actual birthday I had school so it was probably boring

What were you doing at midnight last night:Probably sleepig or scrolling tumblr reading late night fanfics

What is something you can’t wait for: For this semester to end annnd FOR KINGDOM HEARTS THREE BABY IT COMES OUT ON MY BDAY AND IM HYPE IF YOU WANNA TALK KINGDOM HEARTS LET ME KNOW CAUSE IM ALWAYS DOWN TO TALK KH YA FEEL ME?!?!? 

Also infinity war part 2 and Spiderman Far From Home. I’m ready to throw hands

What are you listening to right now: Thumbnail- Louie Zong feat. David Gilbert which can be found here! 

Have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yeah!! There’s a very nice old man named Tom that goes to church with me and my fam

Something that gets on your nerves: Conversations that last too long over phone, People who yell to make a point, Myself LOL

Most visited website: Tumblr, Netflix, Youtube, Twitter

Hair colour: black with a reddish hue in the summer. Doesn’t make sense unless you see me in person LMAO

Long or short hair: shoulder length!

Do you have a crush on someone: Don’t have time to!

What do you like about yourself: My eyes, how silly I can be when I’m by myself

Want any piercings: Nah! I’m good with what i’ve got

Blood type: A+!

Nicknames: A lot lmao. Minnie, Minis, Squirk, Paris

Relationship status: single

Zodiac: Aquarius

Pronouns: she

Fave tv shows: I’ve really been into cooking competitions lately??? But shows that I can re-watch forever and ever are: How I Met Your Mother and Parks and Recreation (So sad they took HIMYM off netflix :((( )

Tattoos: no, maybe when I’m older though!

Right or left handed: right

Ever had surgery:Does wisdom teeth removal count? If not then no!

Piercings: just in my ears!

Sport: I used to participate in volleyball and cross-country (Don’t ask me why LMAO)

Vacation: I went to Disney last week!!! It was super fun <3333

More general

Eating: I had waffles this morning

Drinking: bottle o water

About to watch: nothing right now? Maybe I’ll find something on Netflix later or Youtube

Waiting for: myself to make a decision on which plot I wanna write!! I did a trial run of the asassin! reader fic but I really don’t like how its turning out right now, might post a WIP later.

Want: to make apple cider

Get married: Yeah hopefully someday!!

Career: studying health sciences right now, I’d like to write on the side someday!

Which is better

Hugs or kisses: It depends on the context, sometimes a hug can say things that a kiss can’t and vice versa. I tend to hug a lot tho

Lips or eyes: eyes

Shorter or taller: Taller I wish i was taller than I am right now im screaming

Older or younger: Again in what context? I think I’d like to be older at this point in life right now but not too old to the point where I want all the baggage that comes with it. 

Nice arms or stomach: both can be used in a very nice hug >:’D

Hook-up or relationship: relationship all the way. I need subsistence! 

Troublemaker or hesitant: I wouldn’t really want too much of either!! A trouble maker might get me into some sticky situations but someone with too much hesitation could live a boring life. There’s a time to be spontaneous and a time to settle down

Have you ever

Kissed a stranger: No

Drunk hard liquor: No

Lost glasses: only for a couple days!!

Turned someone down: Yes. Please @ my followers when someone says no don’t try to pursue them time and time again. Really annoying and makes you look desperate.

Sex on the first date: No

Broken someone’s heart: Unfortunately yes. I’m not proud of it but sometimes you need to take measures in order to protect your own heart and emotions.

Had your heart broken: yes, people don’t realize this but just because you break up with someone doesn’t mean you always come out of a relationship unscathed.

Been arrested:nope

Cried when someone died: usually I do.

Fallen for a friend: yep yep yep. I don’t act on these feelings although. I wouldn’t want to risk friendship.

Do you believe in

Yourself: I try to

Miracles: Oh yes

Love at first sight: No. Come back to me again and strike a conversation and we’ll see where things go from there!

Santa Claus: nope! 

Kiss on a first date: Not unless that persons been talking to you a lot before hand yknow?

Angels: Yes!

Others

Best friend’s name: Missy

Eye colour: brown

Fave movie: Just pick any Disney movie tbh. Also Howl’s Moving Castle!

Fave actors: Zendaya <333 Chris Evans

Tagging: @lokis-sunflower-anna @thatonefangurly!!!