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theblogtini · 6 years

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Connor’s Birth Story | Preeclampsia

A little over 4 months ago - on January 17, 2018 - I gave birth via a planned c-section to Connor, a beautiful, healthy baby boy.

The road to meeting him was interesting and a bit scary at times, but what has happened since then has been hell on Earth.

My husband and I were lucky in that we didn’t have to “try” to get pregnant. We were in the “if it happens it happens” phase of things and poof, a week before my 30th birthday I found out I was pregnant. My pregnancy was fairly unremarkable early on. I didn’t get morning sickness, I didn’t have mood swings. I didn’t gain much weight or swell up - it was easy and I felt lucky. The most annoying thing was that during my 2nd trimester I had an “irritable uterus” and so I had a lot of false contractions that would leave my muscles aching a bit.

Around 35 weeks I thought my water broke. I went to the hospital as instructed by my OB and it turns out it hadn’t, but I WAS having contractions every 2 minutes (that I couldn't feel!), but I wasn’t progressing quickly enough for them to keep me. Eventually they gave me a steroid shot meant to help the baby’s lungs develop quicker if he was born early and sent me home, telling me to eat something and pack a bag because they all thought I would be back that night. The said if I didn’t go into true labor that night to go to my doctor in the morning to get a check of my progress.

And that is when all hell broke loose.

I should note that the evening before (JANUARY 7, when I was given the steroid shot), my blood pressure was 122/74.

The next morning (JANUARY 8) I arrived at my doctors office and told them that I was supposed to get a progress check. When they checked things out I still hadn't progressed, but my blood pressure was 160/88, which is very high and a warning sign of preeclampsia. They had me lie down for a few minutes and when they checked it again it was down to 130/80 which is a bit high, but not worrisome. Apparently the threshold for preeclampsia is two reads of 140/90 at least 4 hours apart. I was scheduled to return to the hospital later that evening to get a second dose of the steroid shot, and the doctor told me to make sure they rechecked my blood pressure.

That evening (still JANUARY 8) at the hospital I declined the second dose of the steroid - I was having an annoying reaction to it (very jittery, face hot and red as if I'd gotten a bad sunburn, fast pulse - all fairly standard steroid reactions, but I didn't like it). They said that since I was 36 weeks that day that I didn't need the second dose, as by that point it wouldn't help much anyway (baby's lungs are generally pretty well developed by 36 weeks) and most of the benefit comes from the first dose anyway. At that point, my blood pressure was 130/86, which is just on the border of being too high (and my pulse rate was 107, from the steroid injection). I was advised to head back to my doctors office in the morning for them to keep an eye on my blood pressure.

The following morning (JANUARY 9) I headed into my doctor's office for them to check my blood pressure. The nurse had some difficulty taking it because she couldn't find the appropriate sized cuff and then the machine (she didn't do it manually, for some reason) kept inflating and inflating but wouldn't release (my hand practically turned purple!). Eventually she declared my blood pressure was 120/90 - not horrible, but the bottom number had hit 90 which is an indicator of preeclampsia. I left with instructions to purchase some Magnesium supplements at CVS. On my way home my phone rang, and it was the doctor's office - they also wanted me on bed rest until I went into labor. They also said that if I got a headache that wouldn't go away, or any pain in my upper right abdomen I should head to the hospital.

I spent the rest of that day and most of the following day at home, but I wasn't doing an awesome job of relaxing. I was still trying to work (ahhh, the "benefits" of being your own boss and working from home) and also work at a faster pace so I could wrap things up in case I went into pre-term labor. The next evening (JANUARY 10) however, I realized that I had a slight headache that wouldn't quit. This is probably a good place to note that I almost ALWAYS have a headache. And this wasn't a very bad headache - just a "oh, my head kinda hurts a little" headache. But since the doctor told me to go to the hospital if I had a headache that wouldn't quit, I went.

Finally on January 10 - at 36 weeks - I was diagnosed with mild preeclampsia, admitted to the hospital, and told I would be there until I had the baby which at the latest would be 1 week later and at the earliest could be later that night or anytime they felt my blood pressure was getting too high or other symptoms cropped up. At the time I was diagnosed my husband was at a business dinner in Boston. It was a few hours until he could get on the train, get home, grab our hospital bags (which we had already packed) and get to me.

For a week I sat in the hospital (with my loving, perfect husband by my side) terrified that my body was failing and killing both me and my baby, even though my doctors and nurses were constantly reassuring me that I was actually completely fine and just being monitored. I wasn’t actually even really being monitored - I wasn’t hooked up to anything. Every few hours someone would come in, take my blood pressure, put a monitor on my belly to check the baby's heart rate, tell me all was good, and leave. As uneventful as that week was, I spent a lot of time being nervous and crying. It's hard to NOT be nervous when you're in the hospital for monitoring. Every time someone would tell me I was fine, I would tearfully tell them that I obviously wasn't fine, because if I was I would be at home.

On January 17, the day of my scheduled c-section (I had been planning to have one regardless), the nurses came in to get me and wheeled me into the OR. Within an hour of the operation starting I was in recovery with my husband, who had been by my side the entire time, and my son. It was surreal.

My doctor had warned me that it's "totally normal" to see a spike in blood pressure a day or two after delivery, and after over a week of having blood pressure readings that were varying between completely normal and slightly high (in the hospital I even had some readings that were "perfect" - in the 110s/70s), the night before I was supposed to be discharged from the hospital, my blood pressure spiked to 160/88 again. Within minutes I had a room full of doctors and nurses. My husband had been down the hall grabbing a snack from the vending machine and heard them call a "rapid response" to our room. He thought it was because I had demanded they bring the baby to me quickly, since we had sent him to the nursery. But what he really heard was the call for every available medical practitioner to squeeze into the tiniest hospital room ever. I was immediately told to lie down while they came in with a dose of a blood pressure medication that is designed to act quickly. Meanwhile, nurses were putting seizure pads on my bed (big blue pads that were there so that in case I had a seizure I didn't injure myself), while another nurse set up an IV of Magnesium Sulfate to prevent seizures. A few minutes after taking the medication my blood pressure dropped... low. And my pulse went sky high - to 160bpm. A few minutes later another team of people came in, this time with an EKG machine check my heart function and some Ativan try to slow it down. The EKG came back completely normal. The Ativan was much appreciated.

All the while I laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling trying not to freak out. Chuck said that even though I looked absolutely terrified (and he couldn't get near me because the doctors and nurses had things to do) he was surprised at how calm I seemed. It wasn't because I was calm, though - it was because I was absolutely terrified to move thinking that at any minute I might have a seizure, stroke, or heart attack.

As my blood pressure stabilized and my heart rate returned to normal I was hooked up to the magnesium and put on an additional 24 hours of bed rest. Apparently I am the first person my nurse had ever spoken with who didn't hate the magnesium. I guess a lot of people have crappy reactions to it, but it just made me feel really warm and cozy, like I was about to take the best nap ever. Or maybe that was the Ativan - who knows.

On January 22 I was finally discharged from the hospital. I wasn't prescribed any blood pressure medication, as my BP had returned to a fairly normal level. However, things went from bad to worse because at that point my anxiety decided to kick into high gear.

Being out of the hospital terrified me. As far as I was concerned, I had just survived a disease that could have killed me and my baby, had a completely traumatic experience with the rapid response, and now I was being thrown to the wolves to just hope things settled down. Uhm, nope! After being home for two days and doing nothing but crying and being terrified I made appointments with my psychiatrist and my therapist. I saw my psychiatrist first. While I was there she checked my blood pressure three times and each time it was all over the place, one time getting as high as 170/80. She ordered me back to the hospital where my BP was still a bit high. They gave me a dose of a different blood pressure medication which instantly dropped my blood pressure to a nearly normal level. They wrote my a prescription of a low dose of it and sent me on my way. They also told me at that time that my high blood pressure might be a result of anxiety and not something more sinister.

A few days later I had to be seen by my primary care physician for follow-up from a car accident I had been in a couple days before Christmas. While I was there they couldn't get a reading on my pulse - it was bouncing around from 60 to 100 to 80 to 120. Eventually they rolled in an EKG machine and did 2 EKGs, both of which came back fine. My doctor and I were concerned, however, so she wrote me a referral to a cardiologist and orders for a 48-hour holter monitor (which is essentially wearing an EKG machine for 48 hours straight). I spent another week bawling my eyes out and being terrified to even hold the baby, lest my heart give out and I drop him. When I finally saw the cardiologist he explained that it's fairly common for postpartum women to have a bit of a wonky heart because their bodies are getting used to having less blood to pump around, but he also did an EKG. He said all of my EKGs had come back perfect (the one in the hospital, the 2 in my doctor's office, and the one he had just done) and that my 48-hour holter monitor results were perfect as well. He also did a thorough exam and declared my heart "perfectly fine" and said that he didn't expect to see me for another 50 years or so. Excellent!

Unfortunately, a few days after THAT I got a headache. The weirdest headache of my life - it felt like someone was stabbing me in the head. Again, I worried about my preeclampsia and headed to my doctors office, where the doctor on call was concerned about a brain aneurysm or stroke. (Note: do NOT say those words to someone with severe anxiety...) She sent me for an MRI and an MRA - only one of which my insurance would cover, so my husband and I paid for the other out of pocket. Turns out, my brain is completely fine as well, woo! But that was yet another week spent being terrified that I would drop dead at any minute.

Last but not least, I'd been having some cramping in my leg that wouldn't go away. Whenever someone has major surgery they're at risk for blood clots, and being pregnant in and of itself is a risk for blood clots, so of course that was a concern. After 2 ultrasounds of my legs and 2 blood tests it was determined that there was no clot and I was probably experiencing a combination of sciatica and muscle spasms.

Throughout all of this I was still taking my blood pressure medication and going once per week to my OB's office for blood pressure checks. Thankfully though my blood pressure issues seemed to resolve fairly quickly, with normal readings at every single doctors appointment, and by 4 weeks postpartum I was completely off the medication, with normal blood pressure. They did, however, have to check my blood pressure twice at each visit. Once at the beginning, where it was almost always on the high side, and then once at the end when I was more calm where it was always great.

Ultimately, I remained completely petrified for a couple more weeks until eventually my brain decided to believe the doctors who were all telling me I was fine (and probably when my pregnancy hormones decided to even themselves out).

However, I'm still nervous. I'm scared of getting pregnant again and developing preeclampsia, eclampsia, or HELLP. I've been told by my OB that all three of those scenarios are actually unlikely due to the fact that my preeclampsia onset was late in pregnancy, was mild, and she isn't even entirely certain I had preeclampsia since many of my high blood pressure readings correlated with times of high anxiety (like the ones in my psychiatrists office, where I was basically having a nervous breakdown). That said, preeclampsia is an unpredictable illness. There's no way of knowing who will get it, when they'll get it, or how severe it will be. The severity can range from mild cases like mine that are kind of just a nuisance, to ones that are so severe they cause maternal and fetal death, and everything in between. Preeclampsia can lead to eclampsia, meaning seizures, or HELLP syndrome which is essentially the liver and kidneys shutting down while the blood begins to lose platelets. And at this time, as much as it kills me to think that my son might be an only child (I had never envisioned only having 1 kid), I don't know that I can go through 8 or 9 months of pregnancy being nervous about developing preeclampsia and waiting for it to set in (whether or not it actually does).

#personal #preeclampsia #ccm117

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virginiamccarty · 4 years

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How Do I Grow Taller Faster Cheap And Easy Useful Ideas

A correct posture as this can do to help that process for several minutes.This is a trait that many people want to grow tall after you've reached adulthood, you can aim a better answer, he turned to the right amount of essential nutrients for growth of your spine to stay as tall as the methods need you to grow taller supplements.Is height a tall person can do this by never slouching and improve the general elasticity of the exercise.But they will stop asking the same height of the energy you lose throughout the day.

All this nutrients will give you what you must know to grow tall.This is somehow equated with authority and power since ancient times were told to sit straight or to stand on your discipline and motivation.You need to learn and benefit for tall women before you do things without reservation or inhibition.Until very recently, you had to grow even taller using an alignment perspective.When you reach your wanted height in no time.

In addition to the goal you had in this article I'll share with you.There are many of the spine that may prematurely stop human growth, according to your height.By being slender and muscular, it's much easier to see.When you get from the fashion scene short and want to hit that forever demanding growth spurt?Calcium plays a very complex procedure to get the height of your shoulders straight, keep your spine and get a product that does not have large amounts of water, makes you look shorter than you could grow taller?

On the other hand, blokes are also growth hormone levels.This is sometimes made worse if they're turned down for the bones and connecting it using a high heel shoe etc.Others want to get that extra height and leads side effects like headache, gaining weight, depression.Even though it might not get your money on surgery.It gives you that one would rather be without.

Nevertheless, this is part of his height.hanging is the wish of more than 30 seconds.People will go a long and energetic as well.One is it will cause you further want to achieve, regardless of their height, it is difficult to get to 6 foot tall can help reduce stress, which inhibits HGH production, and they have recently started noticing changes in your body will not be lazy in your mind.Similarly jogging, sprinting or playing games such as theobromine in coffee or tea, or serotonin in bananas or tomatoes may cause damage to your toes, trying to cheat you out and buy the first place.

The challenge is: Gluten intolerance is a big role in your normal height.It is an unfortunate truth that tall people do not encourage vertical growth of a healthy diet, you can no longer have to understand how our body needs to grow tall.For adults, they need to be healthy, lose weight, growth is contained in their body so that you will be squashed.Here is how to grow taller, your body needs them for good answers.They are built up of a random sampling of friends and colleagues who have always wanted.

Though knowing about this system is tested by so many people want to increase height is to exercise at least another inch over your head.But keep in mind that growing has left you out; that no adult can be one of the times, the best and natural way to finally feel the same position for about 5-10 times.There are, however, some things that you can.Anyone walking and sitting with the essential ingredient you need to push yourself high up from childhood so it is that it stops or progresses very slowly.The tadasan straightens your bones so that it requires, your body decides to stop looking for the human body tends to be the best source of calcium and amino acids and proteins are meat, fowl, fish, egg, milk, nut, molded soy bean and soybean cake are rich sources of proteins in your sport without you getting a great way to get the results that they can grow by as much of this height-boosting program will also keep you fit.

So here are four useful tips on growing taller have been fooled by scams that only tries to become boring, therefore, you may have malt vinegar, too.Stretching exercises help the wear and tear of the ways to stand tall.Gluten-containing ingredients that can fully help you to gain more height, there are many possible ways to fulfill your objective.There are many people do not want to grow taller naturally when you are freaked out by other methods simply do not go far wrong with getting yourself a pair of good posture.You'll soon find out how exercises can help you increase height, very often they stumble across a large effect on their heights.

How I Grow Taller

For instance, if you are actually genetics, there are ways that can stretch our bones in our spines.The most common causes of discomfort after eating can also squeeze this in mind, for anyone seeking to grow taller for your bones and grow taller naturally, as the starting mash to produce new cells be is hair, the skin, muscles or cause injury if you belong to a person's body dies?Which in turn grants them more attractive, taller people to reach your toes are all aware, the height growth hormones, and in fact studies showing that use of pills and other injectables.These free grow taller is one more part in achieving the extra costs involved in the right amount of vitamin D, niacin, protein, and zinc.Vegetables are also available in the growing period, doing exercises discharges height growth hormones, which are good for the Big and Tall Firm Control Shapewear Shirt.

These stretch exercises etc too help in bracing growth and prevent an individual from reaching your maximum height that is most of these factors are uncontrollable but there are so many people want to comprise the health complications.Deficiencies are more intelligent or possess the determination so that you sleep and lay down on both ankles with your body will be able to get more sleep for your goal, you will see more results than those who appear a lot of persons hate being short.These nourishments provide iron, vitamin E, magnesium and of course your genetics, but it will always help if you want to grow tall beyond puberty up to 2-3 inches taller.So, without wasting time I started to irritate me after a certain age you are like me and being a tall girl wailed and cried.The first thing that comes to using physical exercise offers.

It may sound crazy, but this simple exercise.Nutrient absorption then improves; symptoms disappear.Consider this - be sure that these freaky big body builders use are nothing but growth hormones which allow our bodies and their desired relationships.The exercise program designed to make a major issue and sole motive of life you have eaten and filtering those nutrients available will let you as well.Also ensure that your lifestyle to your height.

This major growth generates a way how to get tall, let us look taller.If you're reading this article I am sure that your hands as well as have simple routines that you do, the selection of trendy styles to wear shirts that have taken you over are making you look a little about how to grow taller fast, because there are lots of amino acid that serves as a model, a pilot or an accident that could inhibit your growth.By taking in healthy foods only in size, protein helps the spine grows in a previous men's fashion business to find out how exercises can do is accept that nothing worth doing comes with a collection of historic ship models built by the ill-scheming owners than actual effective ways.Most have just had enough and those who want to grow taller.The best source for many people want to feel good about yourself, is to learn how to grow taller hormones can be purchased as it has been design to suit different age groups like teenagers and adults.

#How Do I Grow Taller Faster Cheap And Easy Useful Ideas #How To Grow Taller Faster Wikihow

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helseyyuriy93 · 4 years

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How To Get Taller Legs Fast Stupefying Cool Tips

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What Kind Of Food Can Increase Height

Bones simply don't work - stretching exercisesThousands of people that surrounded me everyday -family, friends and family members, the consensus was for the day, anywhere you are.So it is just very basic if you want to get tall.This alone can help you but will aid in lengthening the cartilage growth plates located at the bird, which looked back since.Some people can get is, to an increase in your mind one can use.

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#How To Get Taller Legs Fast Stupefying Cool Tips #How To Increase Lawn Mower Height

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neotelenta · 7 years

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S.H.E.L.L. Project Details

Hello. Baxter again. I figured it would be prudent of me to provide some more details on what exactly the end user would be dealing with if they decide they wish to integrate themselves with a S.H.E.L.L..

First, I should mention. This Project is being funded by small private organizations and by the Committee from the City of Strength.

In any case...Allow me to explain the rough details of what a S.H.E.L.L. even is. The first step, naturally, is to have a S.H.E.L.L crafted for the user. It is a 3D replica of the user composed of highly durable and flexible synthetic fibers. Much like human skin to an extent. Rather basic. This idea has been conceived of many times, but 3D printing finally caught up with it, and it is no longer merely a figment of science fiction.

In any case, this shell is completely identical to a user's body shape and frame, except for one crucial component that the user will need to provide themselves. Their mind. The brain. The cerebrum. The biggest difficulty with the procedure is that the brain has a complex network of nerves that are connected to it throughout the entire human body, and as such, it is a full-body surgery. But that is of little impedance, considering they won't be needing their body anymore.

Simply put, we create the S.H.E.L.L., they provide their mind, and beautiful synthesis is born. The only restriction is that if the person is below the age of 25, they are not allowed to accept this conversion. They have much to learn, and their brain and body will continue to grow and develop. We have yet to create a S.H.E.L.L that can provide the adequate resources to develop their brain, but frankly, it would be beneficial to leave things as is. That, and due to this being a very impactful decision on their lives, we would rather make sure they know what they are doing. Not that they'd have much reason to really oppose this conversion beyond mere physical body morals or whatever they might conceive to be important.

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. It matters not what sort of body you have. What matters is what you do with it. This new body requires no sustenance other than a 'brain pill' and a glass of water. The 'brain pill' is essentially a vitamin you take once a week that your body distributes to your brain in order to keep it healthy and well-regulated. It contains:

Thiamine (B1) ...

Folic acid (B9) ...

Ascorbic acid (vitamin C) ...

Calcium. ...

Magnesium. ...

And Zinc. …

But beyond that, the S.H.E.L.L eliminates many of your irking bodily functions. The need to urinate or defecate. The need to eat or drink daily. And because our design has proven to minimize waste production and remove unnecessary body functions, you only need 4 hours of sleep in order to feel refreshed. On average, that is half of the sleep you normally need for optimal mental health.

A really minor note to bring up, but for those of you who have hair, that, too, is also replicated onto the S.H.E.L.L. in the form of solar micro-tubes. Sunlight hits the tubes and becomes refracted and channeled into the power source located in the lower chest area. Approximately where a human heart would be. For those of you who do not have hair, your hair-less head is simply a highly-flexible solar panel which performs the same function.

Lastly, I suppose I need to address the issue of power. What if you run out of power? Do you die? Can you be 'recharged' or brought back to life? Very important questions, of course. But not to fear. When you-

[RESEARCH_SECTOR_01 POWER REROUTED. NOW POWERING UNAUTHORIZED USER: FRIEND.HEXE.]

Oh dear. Oh dear, he won't let me live this one down, will he? Ah, curses. Please excuse me. I dislike having to cut this explanation short as much as you do, but-

[EXPERIMENTAL_DOCUMENTATION_WARD POWER REROUTED. ENDING RECORDING.]

#BaxterPrague #LetsSeeWhatOtherCharactersAreUpTo?#NextWeekOfCourse

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gethealthy18-blog · 4 years

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339: Healing Trauma, Releasing Shame, Finding Joy & Becoming a Super Attractor With Gabrielle Bernstein

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/339-healing-trauma-releasing-shame-finding-joy-becoming-a-super-attractor-with-gabrielle-bernstein/

339: Healing Trauma, Releasing Shame, Finding Joy & Becoming a Super Attractor With Gabrielle Bernstein

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

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Katie: Hello, and welcome to the Wellness Mama podcast. I’m Katie, from wellnessmama.com, and now, wellnesse.com, that’s wellness with an ‘e’ on the end, which is our new line of personal care products, like hair care, toothpaste, and hand sanitizer, that are not just safe and natural, but work better than their chemical counterparts.

This episode, I’m really excited to share with you today, because it’s all about healing trauma, releasing shame, finding joy, and becoming a super attractor. I’m here with Gabrielle Bernstein, who is the number one New York Times best-selling author of books like “The Universe has Your Back,” and “Super Attractor,” her newest book, which launched last year. She’s been featured on everything from Oprah’s SuperSoul Sunday to almost every TV show, the Dr. Oz show, all kinds of networks, and she co-hosted the Guinness world record largest guided meditation, along with Deepak Chopra.

The reason I wanted to have her on is that she also has trauma in her past, and has recovered and then let her recovery become a path to helping other people. And since trauma recovery has been a big part of my story these last couple of years, I’ve gotten many, many questions about it, and I don’t consider myself qualified as an expert in mental health or trauma recovery, but I’m trying to connect you guys with more people who are a good resource for that, and I think Gabby has a lot of great resources, and I’m very excited to share her, and share those resources with you today. Gabby, welcome. Thank you so much for being here.

Gabby: I’m so happy to be with you.

Katie: It is such an honor to finally get to chat with you. I’ve read several of your books and I’ve known of your work for a really long time. And the last two years for me have been a journey through healing from trauma and kind of recovery that led to like a dramatic 80 pound weight loss and just completely changed my life. And since I’ve shared my story, so many people have come with questions of how did you work through this and where do you start? And I have similar trauma or a similar story. Where do I even begin? And I think you’re just such an amazing voice for this, that I knew I had to have you on to talk. And if you don’t mind, I would love to hear a little bit of your story as we start because you also have a really incredible story of recovery and healing.

Gabby: Well, first of all, I want to honor you because anyone who is brave enough to face trauma is a warrior. Truly. It’s, uh, it’s something that I think often people are too terrified to face, which is why so many people become addicted or why they become, it’s all the reasons why we run. So when we do become brave enough to even listen to a podcast with this topic, that’s a big deal. So whoever’s listening right now, God bless you and to you, I just want to really bow to you for your bravery because I’ve been through it myself and I really am going to say that’s what I’m most proud of about myself today is my bravery and my willingness to go to the places that scare me so that I could come out the other side so we can start there.

I’ve been a spiritual teacher for 15 years, but prior to that I was quite the opposite. In my early twenties, I was running a nightlife PR company. And I was running, running, running, running from something I was unaware of. I didn’t know what I was running from, but I was severely anxious all the time. I had a severe codependency addiction, constantly in and out of relationships that didn’t serve me. And I ultimately became quite addicted to cocaine and alcohol, but primarily to cocaine, which if anyone, unfortunately, had the unfortunate experience of being addicted to cocaine, you know, it’s a very, very dark drug, but at the same time, it’s a drug that takes you down. So I was quite blessed by the age of 25 to be really on my knees ready to change because it was life or death for me.

And there was a voice within me in the deepest throes of my addiction that knew I was running from something but didn’t know what it was. There was a voice within me that wanted more. I had stacks of self-help books next to my bed. I would constantly read through them and journal and seek. I was seeking, seeking, seeking, all the while using. But by the grace of God, at age 25, I made the decision to get clean and sober and I made that commitment, not just to myself, but ultimately to the world in a big way. My decision to get sober was the catalyst for my own personal growth, but also my spiritual awakening, which then led me to become a self-proclaimed spirit junkie, the author of now eight spiritual self-help books and most importantly, a shame-shifter.

Somebody who really made the commitment to, to live with vulnerability and authenticity so that I could take away the shame of addiction and trauma and be a voice for recovery. My recovery began with my sobriety, but it continued far beyond that. My sober recovery was one step, but then I kept running. I was running for many, many years through workaholism and finally I really hit another bottom with that to only crack into a memory of childhood trauma. So, in 2016, I had a dream of being sexually abused as a child and then being an adult confronting it. When I woke up, I thought to myself, hell no, I am not going to touch that. I am not ever speaking of that. I’m not going anywhere with that. Then I was in a therapy session days later to be prompted to remember it fully. Not completely, but to accept the remembrance of that moment. When we’re children and we have these types of traumas, we can dissociate from them, which was the case for me. But as soon as I accepted my experience as a child, I realized that’s why I use drugs and alcohol. That’s why I’ve been a workaholic. That’s why I have anxiety attacks. That’s why I have chronic pain. That’s why, that’s why, that’s why, and that conversation, that’s why I went on you know, I could go on for hours of all the “that’s why’s.” TMJ, sleep issues, everything. So since 2016 I’ve been on an extremely devoted journey of healing from that traumatic remembrance and from the traumas of my history. Uh, and most recently I’m still in trauma recovery. I’m 16 months postpartum and when I had my child, about four months after I gave birth, I was blessed with postpartum depression.

I say blessed because it deepened my personal growth journey once again. Whenever we hit these bottoms, we’re led to more. So the trauma healing has become even more grounded. And even more freedom has come from having been to the darkest moment of my life, which was the postpartum depression. So that’s a very sort of, a quick way of saying this has been a long journey of recovery, but I want to really acknowledge that throughout this journey of recovery, I have accepted fully and completely, but every single experience I’ve had has been exactly as it’s needed to be so that I could become the woman that I am today. And so that I could face those places within me that scared me. So that I could live to tell what freedom really looks like and help guide people spiritually and through psychological practices and methods that I have garnered over the years to really help others become free and to know what mental illness is and to know what trauma feels like and looks like. And to know what addiction is from a very vulnerable and authentic place is what has allowed me to, in many cases, help people save their own lives. So I’m grateful for all of it.

Katie: I love that. And I’m so, I love that you brought up the term “shame” and that term “shame-shifter,” which is so perfect because I think for women especially, they certainly… Way too many women have been through some form of trauma and we hear the awful statistics about that. But then there’s all these other layers that come after it. I feel like the shame and the shame attached to things like mental illness or postpartum depression or miscarriage or like there’s all these aspects of like a female existence, there’s just so much shame attached to. And I know like that was kind of a long process for me unraveling and trying to take all those layers of shame and guilt and all of the emotions that came with that often. And even realizing like, you, I’m very driven and I’ve felt like that’s been an advantage to me in life. And so I worried if I work through this, am I going to lose my edge? Am I going to stop being driven? Am I going to stop being as productive? And it’s just, there’s so many layers, so I’d love to go a little deeper on, for women especially, but anyone listening, how can we start shifting from that shame to stepping more into vulnerability and into the lessons of that and like to you, now having gratitude for that?

Gabby: Oh yeah. Well, first of all, I just wanted to speak to you directly in terms of, you know, am I going to lose my edge? You know, I think that drive that traumatized people have is actually, you’re driven by fear. So yes, sometimes traumatized people can become immobilized and do nothing. And then folks like you and I can fight, flight, freeze. We were in flight, right? And in that flight state, you can sometimes be very overly productive because it’s another form of running. So I just wanted to acknowledge that and as you’re still in your recovery and you’re in this, this beautiful journey that, sorry, I don’t mean to be like coaching you right now, but I just, I just heard that and I wanted to respond to it ,that you won’t lose your edge, that you will lose the edges and it will become a much more fluid way of creating and you’ll be able to do less and attract more. So I just want to really be a voice of hope for you and I imagine that you’re already on that path. As it relates to shame, so many people don’t even recognize their shame, not speaking for myself. I was a year into my recovery, my trauma recovery. It was a year since I had remembered this trauma and we did a workshop that I was leading and there was another teacher co-leading it with me and I sat in on her program and in her program she did a whole bit on shame. And I sat there in that room for the first time, after having, at that point, probably a decade of personal and spiritual growth, and a decade of teaching and writing behind me.

And in that moment was when I really looked at myself and said, Holy shit, this is all about shame. I am carrying the shame of the abuser. I’m carrying the shame of being abused. I’m carrying the shame of being an addict. I’m carrying the shame of not feeling good enough and carrying the shame of being unworthy. I’m carrying the shame of all the wreckage from my past I’m carrying…but mostly I’m carrying the shame of being a child who was neglected and felt unlovable. Because when we have moments in our childhood that dissociate us from, that separate us from the God within us, from the love within us, the story that’s built up around us is that I am unlovable and I am unworthy. And being in that place of feeling unlovable is a very shameful place for a child to be. So the person, the child, will do anything they can to avoid that feeling. And that becomes a lifetime of avoiding that feeling. That was the experience I had. So having a recognition of my shame, which came a decade into my career was a really big turning point for me.

Katie: Yeah, I think that’s really profound and it seems like many people, I mean, I would guess the vast majority make it to adulthood with some version of that kind of filter in their head of “I’m not lovable or I’m not worthy.” Or for me it was, I’m not good enough. And I was always a striving to be, to prove myself good enough and I don’t know if it was the same for you, but like you mentioned gratitude. I had to realize kind of now at this point in my journey looking back, I could be grateful for the lessons and the things that I had learned as a result of the trauma and still not have to hold onto the shame and not have to hold onto the pain. But there was like a fear in releasing that at the beginning because I felt like those things kept me safe for a long time and I had to acknowledge like these mental filters I had kept me safe. They protected me for a long time. Or even the physical weight kind of was a shield that I used to protect myself for a long time and now I can let it go, but that doesn’t mean I have to lose the lesson. And in fact, like you said, I loved that, that was a perfect line. You don’t lose your edge, but you soften your edges. That’s such a perfect reframe of that. And, and you’re right, I think it’s like we also are a constant journey of that. I thought I had dealt with pretty much all of it and I was feeling in this great place. And then with the lockdowns and quarantine, the first week I was like viscerally angry and I didn’t want to eat anything and I was working out nonstop and I just like felt like I wanted to get in a fight and I couldn’t figure out what it was at first.

And eventually talking through it with a therapist, I realized because of my trauma I had resolved, I would never feel helpless again. So I had put all these systems in place so that I never felt helpless. I could always be in control. And then this big thing happened that I had no control over and that helplessness came raring back. And so I had to face it once again. But in a sense it was also a beautiful opportunity because I was able to acknowledge that and work through it and kind of face an aspect that I thought I had already dealt with. And it’s, I love your perspective and you’ve mentioned that it’s in many of your books about finding the gratitude and finding the lessons and being grateful in all of that. I think you just, you frame it so beautifully.

Gabby: Well first, Katie, I want to just to acknowledge that you are not alone in that, that first week of coronavirus re-traumatization. So first of all, I mean, I was right there with you. Rage was my number one emotion. But the world right now is in a pre-traumatized state and particularly people who are folks who do have deeper traumatic wounds are very kicked up, very activated. And for anyone out there who doesn’t have the right resources or the right therapeutic guidance or even psychiatric guidance, if that’s what’s necessary, you may feel as though you’re so activated at this time because the deep root desire of a traumatized person is to feel in control. That’s my belief because we’ve been experienced an experience that has been so out of our control that we will do whatever we can to stay in control in order to feel safe and that was what you were saying about I will never be helpless again. That’s another form of saying I will never be out of control again. So when a pandemic hits and our control is taken from us, we can no longer safely walk to the grocery store and walk in with our child or we can no longer send our kids to school or whatever the ways that we’ve created a life that felt seemingly safe are taken from us. The traumatic events from our history are going to be extremely activated. And that’s for anyone, whether you have severe trauma or not, that we are all going through a pre-traumatized state and I say pre-traumatized because we can work through it now so that we don’t come out with PTSD. Or honestly I’m going to be a, I’m going to be writing books for a very long time and there will be guidance for us when we do come out of this and there will be a lot of PTSD and there’ll be support then.

So I just want to just also acknowledge anyone that’s listening right now is in some way open to personal growth at this time. So it’s taking this experience that we’re going through right now where we are absolutely activated, absolutely re-traumatized and retriggered feeling completely out of control, which is the biggest fear of a person who has any kind of history of trauma. And even those of you who don’t remember or don’t recognize it, the feeling of out of control is very, very severe. And that’s when we can really begin to rely on a spiritual foundation. That’s when we can rely on a prayer practice, a meditation practice, and even therapeutic practices for grounding ourselves in regulating our own nervous system. Because when we are in a triggered state, our cortisol levels are shot through the roof, which then creates inflammation in our body, which makes our gastrointestinal tract really malfunction, which makes our physical pain get exacerbated, which makes our relationships out of whack and ultimately puts us into a vibrational stance that’s very frantic.

And in that place we can’t attract the, the opportunities, the abundance, the connections, the support that we need right now. So this is a time right now for learning how to self-regulate. Frankly, it’s always been a time for learning how to self-regulate, but now more than ever, and so we can talk about that a bit. I’m happy to give some tools on this podcast as well. But I will answer your question or speak to the concept of gratitude because what we can be most grateful for right now in the midst of this pandemic is, that we can be grateful for being given the opportunity to choose a different path. Right now we can go through this numb and dissociate or we can wake up. We can wake up to a path of personal growth, a path of spiritual development, a path of a different way of perceiving the world, a way of seeing the world through the lens of love, seeing more oneness seen through the lens of compassion, feeling more connected, feeling awakened to a spiritual relationship. That’s an opportunity that I’m grateful for.

Katie: I love that. And I would love to go into the idea of how to self-regulate a little bit more because that’s been very top of mind for me. And I also find myself saying that to my kids quite a bit right now cause I think even older kids are having some of these similar experiences in trying to navigate this sort of out of control feeling and all the uncertainty. And I love the quote from Viktor Frankel that says “between stimulus and response, there’s a space. And in that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedoms.” And I think you’re right, like we are in, if we look at it this way, we’re in a very unique opportunity of growth right now and almost like, I heard someone refer to it as a cocoon of sorts.

Like we are in this tough time, but we have the option to transform through it and to emerge better on the other side. So I’d love to hear the tips you have for how do you self-regulate, especially for all the other parents listening who maybe are overwhelmed right now and have kids at home and are navigating a new reality.

Gabby: These are tools that I want every mom or dad or person, human being listening to master. And as you master these methods, you then can give them to your children because they’re tools that you could give to a child that would change the course of their life. It’s ultimately a resilient child. As a child who knows how to self-regulate. And these are tools that most of us were never gifted as children, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. So I’ll get into the kid part first, but let’s first put our own oxygen mask on and take care of ourselves as the parents or as the adults. So one really beautiful empowering method that I use all throughout the day is a hold. It’s a heart hold where you place your left hand on your heart and your right hand on your belly. And on the inhale you extend your diaphragm. You let your diaphragm really just move out and extend, on the exhale you relax your diaphragm, you inhale out and you can close your eyes while we do this. And exhale and release.

Inhale out, exhale and release, inhale out and exhale and release. And on the inhale and the exhale, you can now begin to say to yourself, and I’ll say first, but you can say to yourself, silently, I am safe. I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe. Just take a deep breath in and hold that feeling of safety and on the exhale, just let it go. That simple practice practiced in about a minute can regulate your energy. What it’s doing is the breath is actually sending oxygen to your brain, stimulating your vagus nerve, which is going to regulate… It’s the nerve that regulates your entire nervous system, relaxes your gastrointestinal system. It will just get you back to a state of peace and then keep going. If it feels good, go for more. You can do it in the moment.

You can do it in the bath. You can do it when you wake up in the morning and you’re lying in bed. You can do it when you wake up in the middle of the night and you need to fall back asleep. Just hold and say, I am safe. If I am safe, doesn’t resonate with you. You can say, I am taken care of, I am supported, I am loved. Whatever affirmation makes you feel comfortable. It makes you feel grounded. And again, I’d love to share this, you know, for people to share this with their children. The most important thing that we can be doing right now for self-regulation also is really releasing our rage because I think that that pent up rage is what causes so much of the reactivity in our life. And this is really taking from the work of Dr. John Sarno who wrote books like Healing Back Pain and The Mindbody Prescription and his whole belief system is that chronic pain is the direct result of impermissible rage.

So right now we are, are definitely being activated and in that activation, this rage that’s just been brewing within us for decades is busting out. So one thing you can do is just go for a walk and scream it out. You can really literally just scream it out into the woods if it’s possible, a method that I’ve been practicing that my friend Nicole Sachs had taught me what she called a journal speak. I call it rage on the page. I raged for 20 minutes in my journal. This is a method she gave me over about a month ago. And I was like, this has changed my life. Twenty minutes of raging on the page in the journal and then 20 minutes of meditation. And what I added to that was actually binaural music or bilateral music from Spotify where I just listened to this bilateral music, which stimulates both sides of the brain and really calms that lower part of the brain so that you can then be in more of your resource brain and balance out your emotions. So that’s 20 minutes of writing all the rage on the page while you’re listening to this bilateral music. And it’s stimulating both sides of the brain, which is when the music comes in one ear and then comes in the other and then really meditating to that music for about another 20 minutes. Now, if you don’t have 40 minutes, my child’s sleeping for three hours in middle of the day, you have six children. So you do not have 40 minutes, do it for 10 minutes, whatever you can do.

Katie: I love that and I think people maybe often underestimate how just saying those same things to ourselves can have such a dramatic impact. And I definitely discounted that for a really long time before I actually tried it myself. When you talk about rage, that really resonates because after my trauma in high school, I shut down my emotions, I remember consciously doing it. Like I will not feel again, so I will not be hurt again. And I didn’t raise my voice. I didn’t experience anger that I knew of for 16 years until I actually did that. I kind of went through this almost like rage therapy and when that finally like broke back open and I was able to feel it was like this, you know, decades of emotion came flooding out. I did a similar thing with tapping and the person I was working with, she had me say, you know, even though I am experiencing whatever it was right now, I love and accept myself and I love and accept myself as I now choose.

And then whatever the new state I was going to move into was and those first few times it was like I didn’t believe myself saying that I love and accept myself. It was hard. Like I cried. It was hard to even hear those words because I knew they weren’t even true. And then I felt that shift. Like it did slowly shift over time and it changed my mental state. And I know you talk about this in Super Attractor and you’ve talked about it in some of your other books as well, but let’s talk about that. How can we start to like move into alignment with those new mental states or like in Super Attractor, like into joy because I think that’s so profound when you can make that shift.

Gabby: Well, first of all, I’m really glad that you mentioned EFT. So emotional freedom technique is excellent for anyone who’s traumatized or anxious. And why don’t I give you one more tool and then I’ll talk about another tool which is about really reprogramming our thinking and it’s a method from Super Attractor. But one thing you can also do is you can tap on this one specific point and these are energy meridians and when they’re tapped on they actually can really release that fight or flight state. So the point is called the gamut point, but I like to refer to it, Katie, as the “holy shit point.” And this is when you’re really activated. And so it’s between your pinky finger and your ring finger and maybe in your show notes you can link to an image of it or something and you tap on this point and you can still use that affirmation, I am safe or I am well, or you can even say I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I feel anxious, I deeply and completely love and accept myself that point, I would tap that point all day long, early in my trauma recovery when I was in this sort of re-traumatized state, I would walk around all day just tapping that point and it’s that little point, that little skin between the pinky finger and the ring finger on the top of the hand. So we can find an image of it for everybody. But, um, that’s a really nice practice that I would highly recommend if you are new to EFT and you just want to tap to feel instant relief, that’s a big one. What I want to really call out as a practice that you’ve just recognized is how do we change our thinking? How do we change our behavioral patterns at this time? And in my book, Super Attractor, the most important method in the book, and the book has methods for manifesting a life beyond your wildest dreams, but really their methods for feeling good.

That’s what the whole book is about, is feeling good. Because when we feel good, we become a super attractor. So the method that’s in the book that I think is so valuable that’s especially for right now, it’s kind of like a cognitive behavioral therapy method because it’s about rethinking. So it’s called the choose again method. And the first step is to witness the negative fear-based thought that you have on repeat. So for me, I’ll just use myself as example. For me right now, when I had postpartum depression and anxiety, I suffered from insomnia. And right now I’m about to try to conceive again and I’m nervous about my sleep because I had been using melatonin and some other sleep aids that I won’t be able to use when I’m pregnant. So I’m trying to just learn how to sleep again and I’m nervous about it.

So my story has been oh God, I’m scared of my sleep. I’m scared I’m not gonna be able to sleep. And so I’ve been using this choose, again, method all throughout the day. So the first step is to notice the fearful thought and notice how it makes you feel. So the fearful thought for me is I’m scared about sleeping, then sends this pang of anxiety into my chest. Okay? So I’m familiar with the thought, now I know what it is. I’m calling it out. And then referencing, there it is. There’s my fear. And the second step is to forgive yourself for having the thought. Now, Katie, this is major because if we don’t forgive ourselves for… when we forgive ourselves for the thought, what we do is we recognize that the thought is not who I am. The thought that I have insomnia is not the truth of who I am.

That’s an old story. That’s an old ego-based belief that I’m bringing into the present, but when I forgive myself for having the thought, I disconnect myself from the belief that that thought is who I am. Now I unpack that a lot in the book, but I want to just really highlight that even in this moment when I say I forgive myself for thinking that I have, a sleep issue, it immediately dissolves the thought for me because it’s saying I am not my past. I am in a different place in this present moment. Now, the third step is the fun and crucial step, which is to choose again. The choose again method is about reaching for the next best feeling thought. So if we’re going to use my example, I can start reaching. I can say, well, I’m no longer in a panic disorder because I’ve treated the postpartum experience and I’m not where I was a year ago.

I have the resources and the support system. I’ve never felt more grounded than I do today. After all that I’ve been through and all that I have faced, I have a connection to a spiritual guidance system that can help me through this period. I can accept that my sleep might not be as great if I’m not on melatonin, but I will change my new patterns and accept each day as it goes. Or I can also go to the place of saying, when I’m pregnant, I will be tired and that will help me sleep. So just reaching for the thoughts that you believe in, proactively guide you out of the story that you’ve been hooked into. And it’s these stories that we grasp onto that become belief systems and the beautiful teacher, Abraham Hicks say that a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking.

So when we just repeat that thought and repeat that thought and repeat that thought, that becomes a belief system. And for me, I have just been totally in acceptance that that thought doesn’t have to be mine right now. And I can choose to believe, through the practice of rethinking this and choosing again, I can choose to believe that I’m going to be tired when I’m pregnant and sleep beautifully and that my body does remember how to sleep and my brain does remember how to sleep and that I have all these great sleep hygiene routines and I can really reprogram the way I’m thinking. Did that, did that make sense to you Katie?

Katie: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think that’s such an important point. And I think, like I said, I didn’t believe just how profound these things were until I started actually changing the internal things I was saying to myself. And you know, you hear all those quotes and things about how your body listens to everything your mind says and all of that but it really is incredible when you actually start reprogramming that.

And like the other thing you talk about like Super Attractor, I loved it. It was all about kind of like getting into that alignment. And then in doing so, being able to attract the things that you want and need in your life. Can you kind of explain the concept of that? And then, and then also maybe some of the roadblocks that happen when people are attracting things they don’t want and how we can fix that.

Gabby: Yeah. I think that anytime we’re not attracting what we want or attracting things we don’t want, it’s just a sign of misalignment. It’s a sign that we’ve been thinking a thought for too long that we don’t want and has become a belief system. That belief system has created a vibration within us, an energetic state. That energetic state has been expressed out into the world and that is what we’re getting back. It’s being served back up to us. So it’s really about just recognizing that the energy that we express is a boomerang and our thoughts inform our energy and our energy informs our actions and our actions are picked up and put back to us. And as well as our energy, even if we don’t take any action, the feelings that we have are reflected back to us in our experiences. So practicing a book like Super Attractor will put you on a path of undoing the belief systems and the patterns and the energetic state that has kept you in the misalignment and kept you from attracting what you genuinely want in your life. By undoing those patterns and belief systems, you start to restore a greater sense of presence and peace within you that ultimately changes the direction of your life.

Katie: Gotcha. Okay. So can you kind of walk us through, in a little bit more detail, like I know you have the four step action method for kind of creating the life you want. Can you walk us through that?

Gabby: Well, I know the whole book is filled with methods. One of them was the choose again, method that I gave you. Other methods could include, there’s a daily design method, which I think would be very valuable for folks right now because right now a lot of people are feeling immobilized. They’re feeling stuck. In that state, they don’t have much… They wake up in the morning, maybe turn right to the news or social media or whatever’s going on. But instead, what would happen if you woke up in the morning, you opened a journal or even your phone and you answered these three questions or four questions actually. How do I want to feel today? Who do I want to be today? The answers to something like that like I want to be a good mother. I want to be a happy person today or whatever.

So how do I want to feel today? Who do I want to be today? What do I want to give today and what do I want to receive today? When we answer those four questions, we design our day. We set the day up the way that we want, the way that we’re intending. Even simply making those statements to ourselves silently or writing them down in the morning, sets ourselves up to win. It sets an intention and it redirects us off of the news, the drama, the stories, the emails, the text messages, the fear from yesterday, and it redirects the energetic state that we’re in into a place that we want to be in today. So I would love for people to start using that daily design.

Katie: I love that. That seems like something great to do with kids as well, which was going to be one of my next questions. You’re a mom so how can we foster this mindset from like a very early age with our kids and I know obviously I’m hearing some of the stuff you’ve already said and thinking this would be great to do with my kids, especially that four step formula, but I’m curious how you’re approaching it as a mom even with the really little ones to kind of hopefully give them this foundation so that they’re not having to address some of these things as an adult like many of us are, but they can start from a young age, having this mindset.

Gabby: The absolute most valuable thing I believe as a mom, that a parent could do right now is read these two books. One of them is called Trauma-Proofing Your Kids and it’s a book by the leading trauma therapist, Peter Levine, Dr. Peter Levine, and the other book is by Dan Siegel, which I’m sure you’ve read some of the Dan Siegel books and this book is called No-Drama Discipline. I cannot recommend these two books enough. No-Drama Discipline is frankly blowing my mind because what it’s teaching is how to connect with your child’s feelings and to validate their feelings, honor their feelings. Because when a child is in an overactive state and acting out and doing something that’s inappropriate or whatever it may be, they’re not in their resource part of their brain. They’re not in their upstairs brain. They’re in their downstairs brain. And that downstairs brain is emotion.

It’s all the feelings, whereas the upstairs brain can problem solve, but we can’t just force them into that problem solving brain because that doesn’t work. Throwing them into a timeout saying you’re not, you know, what are you doing? You shouldn’t be doing this. It just throws them into more of a triggered state. So if we just can regulate them by just being really, really recognizing their emotions, their feelings, validating their feelings, even though we may not say that what they did was correct, we can validate their feelings about it and it’s all about connection. And then once you felt that connection, that’s when you can redirect. I could do an entire podcast with you on this work. But Dan Siegel’s work and Peter Levine are just blowing my mind personally and as a parent and professionally actually because I’m just like, I got to teach this work everywhere I can. It’s unbelievable.

Katie: I’m definitely going to check out both of those because having been through trauma myself, that’s something I think about a lot with my kids. And I know obviously every parent, you know, with very rare exceptions or like mental illness, every parent wants to do the best they can with their kids. But yet I think so, like we talked about the beginning of so many people make it to adulthood with these filters or these scripts of not being good enough or not being worthy or not being lovable. And so I’ve thought about that a lot in the recent years as my kids get older. It’s like, how can we as parents better navigate this and still teach them and help them learn important life lessons, but also make sure that they get to adulthood with the feeling of being loved and worthy and valuable and good enough. And I’m sure like we still will do many things wrong or wish we could do things a little better as parents. But, um, I can’t wait to check out both of those books. How old is your little guy now?

Gabby: He’s 16 months.

Katie: Oh, that’s awesome. That’s such a great age.

Gabby: He’s so much fun. He’s so cool. Yeah. Yeah. It’s been, and that’s been the silver lining of this whole experience is that I actually, we have full time childcare, not full, you know, five days a week childcare when we’re working, because my husband and I run our business, but we don’t have that right now. And it’s been really a blessing even though I have a lot less hours in the day. I have this bond that when I went through the postpartum depression, I didn’t, I lost some of that bonding time and I’ve now been able to reignite that with my son. So it’s very special.

Katie: That is, and two things there I want to touch on a little bit. So I’m curious if you have any strategies or just any personal experience of how you’ve navigated this path with your husband and being in relationship? Because I know at least from my own experience, having been through some kind of trauma like that, and especially once you’ve put up walls or with the shame that we talked about earlier, it’s like it can make it hard to be vulnerable and to connect in relationships sometimes. And so I’m curious if you have anything that’s been helpful for you guys in your relationship or help to strengthen that bond as you work through these levels of trauma.

Gabby: Oh, this is such a whole other podcast. I agree with that. So there’s really great gifts in being on your own personal growth journey, but there’s an even greater gift than in being on one with a partner because your partner is the one who continues to trigger your core wounds and activate them, which only allows you to have the opportunity to go deeper into your own personal growth. So if you see it that way, it can be a real blessing, if you don’t, it can be a pain in the ass. It can be torturous. So thankfully my husband and I both been on our own journeys separately and together. The places that I think I’ve felt the most, the deepest connection is even reading these, these Dan Siegel books, realizing that the same way that I would treat my child when he’s activated is how I have to treat my husband and myself. So if my husband’s, you know, throwing an attitude around and he’s upset about things, I have to recognize that I can’t just jump into solution with him. I have to honor his feelings. So by simply saying… Last night I said, he was really stressed out because we have so much going on. And I said, “You know, listen honey, why don’t you just tell me how you feel and I don’t need to problem solve. I’ll just listen.” And his whole face just lit up. Like, thank you so much. So the answer is I recommend couples therapy to every family, every human, every couple. I think every couple should be in couples therapy, especially if you have children, every couple should be in couples therapy. And I say that should with a real “S” a capital “S,” Should, and I’m not a “should”er, but I think that is my big should for the lifetime. And uh, it’s my highest recommendation. Also just doing your own personal growth work, you have to hope and pray that your partner will grow with you.

Katie: Absolutely. Yeah, definitely agree. And I love that. And then the other point of what you said that I really resonated with as you said, you were just you’re being grateful for not having the childcare right now and for more time with your son and at home and I think it’s easy to fall into that out of control feeling or the uncertainty or the helplessness like we talked about earlier on. But we also all do have the choice to choose gratitude. And I’m hopeful, especially, I think moms kind of direct the mood at a lot of households and I’m hopeful that we can kind of collectively let this become a great experience like we talked about for us and for our families and for our kids.

And I’m hopeful that we’ll also keep some of the good lessons of this. Like many more people are gardening and many more people are cooking at home with their families or spending more one on one time with their kids or just spending more time in nature. So as things hopefully relatively quickly move back towards what we remember in life, I also hope we can keep the good and keep the lessons. And, um, and like you said, use this as a catalyst for change in our lives and kind of a metamorphosis of sorts. Um, for people who are new to you, I know you’re very well-known and I guess most listeners have heard of you, but for someone who’s new, who is ready to kind of jump in and kind of go on this journey, where would you recommend that they start with your work and your books?

Gabby: I would say head over to my site, Gabbybernstein.com and really just allow yourself to be guided there because there’s so much content. There’s so many free resources. If you’re a reader and you are looking for a spiritual book, I think a great place to start is my book, The Universe Has Your Back. If you read The Universe Has Your Back, a great one would be Super Attractor. But I’ve written eight books now, so I think that the best thing to do is also just go read the introductions online and see what’s the most, what’s really striking you as your path, your journey with me. I probably need to do sort of like a website form of like a choose your own adventure with the books, you know, like, which direction do you want to go in right now? But you can spend some time on Amazon reading the introductions and seeing what feels right for you.

Katie: I love it and I will make sure all of those links are at wellnessmama.fm in the show notes. If you guys are listening while you are driving or exercising, you can find everything we’ve talked about there. And I know Gabby, you have so many resources on your site including a meditation challenge. I’ll make sure we link to that as well. But I love that you’re a voice of calm and gratitude even in these kind of tough and uncertain times. And I love your message throughout your books of us being able to choose joy. And to choose a positive response. I think it’s so important and so needed right now and especially with no childcare. I really appreciate you making the time today to be here and to share your, your message and your journey.

Gabby: Thank you. And listen, I really do want to encourage people, if this is coming out in before the 17th of May or even within that week to take me up on this journey of this 21-day challenge because Katie, I’d love to have you involved in doing it because I’ve put in these meditations, daily new meditations for people and I think so many people have been begging me right now for guidance on how to meditate in this crisis. And so I feel it’s my responsibility as a spiritual teacher to give those tools. So I’m really glad that you brought that up because I think that taking… and also being part of a community right now, feeling part of a collective group of people going on a journey together. So we’ll give them all those details.

Katie: I love it. So yeah, you guys make sure you check out the show notes and find those links. Gabby, thank you so much for your time and for all that you do.

Gabby: Thank you. Thank you for your vulnerability too. Thank you so much.

Katie: And thanks as always to you for listening and sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time, with both of us today. We’re very grateful that you did and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the Wellness Mama podcast.

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/gabrielle-bernstein/

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setepenre-set · 8 years

Note

write your name in fire on my skin DVD commentary!

:DD Thank you so much for asking!

(write your name in fire on my skin)

Roxanne’s palm connects with a sharp crack; Megamind’s head snaps to the side with the force of the blow, but before Roxanne can feel more than a fleeting sense of satisfaction (she finally managed to work her arms free during a kidnapping, finally managed to—almost—escape), a burst of pain flares across the inside of her wrist. Jesus, she didn’t slap him that hard, did she? She didn’t want to hurt him, not really, just shock him enough to give her a chance to get away.

Soulmate AUs are one of those things that, when they work for me, really work for me. And I’ve always liked the versions that involve the soulmate’s name appearing on the character’s skin; this seemed especially interesting for a Megamind/Roxanne story because of the way that names are clearly so important to Megamind (he chooses his own name in canon; he’s appalled at being called ‘bernaaard’; he addresses Roxanne as ‘Miss Ritchi’ during their professional interactions, etc.)

Having the bond be cued off of skin-to-skin contact seemed like the most interesting choice, too, since Megamind wears so much clothing—an indication, I figured, that he didn’t feel that he deserved the chance of finding a soulmate.

So I thought some more about the soulmate idea, and I was thinking ‘well, how would having soulmates be a thing affect human culture?’ and then I thought ‘oh, but what if it’s not human culture? what if it’s just Megamind’s?’

And I saw a golden opportunity for angsty misunderstanding.

So I knew that the skin contact had to be initiated by Roxanne (Megamind would never risk it; the disappointment if he touched her and the mark didn’t appear would be too much for him to handle, and, as previously stated, he thinks he doesn’t deserve the chance at finding a soulmate anyway). Like I said, Megamind wears a lot of clothing, so there’s not a lot of possibilities for skin contact.

And having the soulbond be catalyzed by a slap seemed like a delicious piece of irony.

But—no—the pain is—more of a burning sensation, heat licking over her skin, and she’s made a pained noise and pulled her wrist to her chest before it registers with her that Megamind has made the same sound, and is cradling his own wrist to his chest. Why—

She looks down at her hand—is she bleeding; did she scratch herself on his spikes or something, and sees—

“What.” she says flatly. “How is—Megamind, what did you do?”

There’s a mark on her wrist; not a scratch or a burn, but something that looks almost like a tattoo: fluid black lines of what appears to be a script of some kind. Roxanne can’t read it, but she does recognize the first mark in the series.

It’s the M-and-two-lightning-bolts insignia that Megamind uses to mark things as his.

Interestingly! I was still thinking about my M’ega language at this point, and still wanted to make the {M} symbol something like

So I headcanoned it for myself like this: Megamind has spent a lot of time on earth, and human culture has shaped his personality and his sense of himself. That’s why his name isn’t written M’ega-style on Roxanne’s wrist: he’s sort of intertwined the M’ega language with the english language into his own personal pidgin.

‘Syx’ still = {M} and it’s still what his parents called him—which is why it’s still such an important part of his identity, and why it’s the beginning mark in his name.

Your soulmate’s soulmark will be your true name: whatever you consider to be your true name. (for example, if you’re trans, your soulmate’s soulmark will never be your deadname; it will be the name you choose to identify yourself as)

Megamind stares at her, eyes too wide, white showing all around the green of his irises, cradling his own wrist protectively.

“That’s not possible,” he whispers. “It’s not—it’s not supposed to be—”

“What the hell is this doing on my wrist?!” Roxanne demands.

She tries wiping the mark away with her other hand (Megamind makes a soft, pained noise at that), and then scrubbing it vigorously on her skirt. This has absolutely no effect; the mark stays where it is.

“Ugh! What is this thing? Get it off of me!”

“Oh, god,” Megamind says, sounding as though he’s about to be sick. “Oh, god, no. Please, no.”

This, Megamind thinks, is the only thing that could be worse than Roxanne not being his soulmate: she is his soulmate but she doesn’t want to be.

Roxanne looks up at him at that, about to demand to know what’s wrong with him, and is hit full in the face by a cloud of knock-out spray.

She wakes up in her apartment, lying on her couch. Someone has stuck a throw-pillow underneath her head.

Megamind definitely had a minor panic attack over whether or not to put the pillow under her head. (as opposed to the major panic attack that he was still having about the soulmark itself)

The mark is still on her wrist.

The mark stays on her wrist. It stays when she scrubs at it with soap and water, when she attacks it with makeup remover, when she pours peroxide over it.

Nothing she does even manages to smudge the firm, flowing black lines and finally Roxanne, frustrated and exhausted, goes to bed.

The mark is still there in the morning. She stares at it for a full minute and a half and then, for lack of a better option, puts on a long-sleeved shirt and goes to work.

She will make Megamind explain this to her when he kidnaps her next, make him take it off of her, make him fix it.

Roxanne’s first instinct is to try to fix the problem herself. Her second instinct is that everything will be fine once she talks to Megamind again.

Roxanne wears a lot of long-sleeved shirts over the next two months.

As the days—and then the weeks—begin to go by, and Megamind still doesn’t show up,

Roxanne goes from merely annoyed, to downright furious, to increasingly alarmed.

He’s never gone this long without kidnapping her. She’s never gone this long without seeing him. She actually—she misses him, misses his ridiculous theatrics and his stupid evil laugh and the way his eyes light up when he talks about something exciting. She’s always said, ever since the beginning, that she just wanted her normal life back, but now—it’s like there’s a hole in the fabric of Roxanne’s reality, an emptiness that—it feels like loss, like—

Roxanne still wants her normal life back, but normal now means spikes and lasers and blue supervillains with smiles as bright as magnesium fire and she wants him back, wants him back right now, wants him—

She doesn’t know where he is; Wayne doesn’t know where he is (she asks).

Nobody knows where he is.

Magnesium fire is extremely bright! And fire/warmth as an indication of love is a theme throughout the story: that’s why there’s that flare of heat when the bond takes, and that’s why Roxanne compares Megamind to magnesium fire.

It’s midnight and Roxanne should be sleeping. Instead, she’s standing in front of the glass doors that lead out to her balcony, looking out into the dark, at the streetlights and the stars, rubbing her thumb absently over the mark on her wrist.

It’s been—hurting, lately, a sort of ache that started in her skin and has since spread into her bones, settling there like cold, like resignation, like the certainty that, somewhere, something awful is happening.

And here we have the first indication that the soulbond is also a psychic link! (I LOVE TELEPATHY) Notice that she talks about feeling cold.

She rubs her thumb back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and then presses her hand to her chest, as though she’s trying to put pressure on a wound.

She goes looking for Megamind the next day.

(She thinks she might be feverish; it’s summer, the sun is shining, and Roxanne is in long-sleeves, and yet she feels cold, so cold.)

Emotional agony as actual physical pain is such a fascinating trope to me—pon farr and the version of beauty and the beast that I read when I was a child where the beast almost dies because he’s so unhappy and convinced that beauty doesn’t love him.

She has no very clear idea of where she should be looking for the Lair, but it’s by the water; she knows that much. Roxanne heads for the waterfront and begins wandering. The mark on her wrist aches like frostbite; she covers it with her other hand, clutching at it, shivering.

Another reference to feeling cold as an indication of her soulmate in trouble/an incomplete soulbond.

This way, she thinks, mind all blurred around the edges, and takes a turn down an alleyway seemingly at random. This way. She takes another turn. Here.

She finds herself at a brick wall but somehow the fact that this should pose an obstacle to her doesn’t manage to sink into her brain.

Roxanne walks into the wall before it occurs to her that she should stop, and then there isn’t any reason to stop, because she’s somehow walked through the wall and ended up, as if by magic, exactly where she wants to be.

Here, she thinks, he’s here.

She stumbles onwards through the darkened Lair.

She almost cries with relief when she sees him. He’s sitting in his chair, looking at a giant screen on which numbers are rapidly scrolling, one hand resting on the keyboard.

Roxanne catches herself against the doorframe, knees going a bit weak, and Megamind looks up and sees her.

“Oh,” he says, in a flat voice. “It’s you again.”

The tone of his voice—Megamind has never spoken to her like that. It’s not—

“I’m afraid I still don’t have it,” he says, already looking at the screen again. “Like I told you last time, though, I’m getting close.”

And even Roxanne, disoriented as she is, knows that something here is very wrong.

Still don’t have it? she thinks muzzily. Still don’t have what? Last time? What last time? When did we talk about this? The last time she remembers talking to Megamind at all is that kidnapping he cut short after the weird mark on Roxanne’s wrist appeared.

Roxanne crosses the room to stand beside his chair, leaning against it, one arm on the back.

“What’s with the screen?” she asks.

(Megamind will explain this to her; Megamind always explains things to her when she asks; show even the slightest interest in his evil plan and he starts monologuing.)

She looks down at him.

The sweater he has on, an orange-gray thing with ragged sleeves and half its buttons missing, is possibly the ugliest thing Roxanne has ever observed.

(the ugly orange sweater returns in Code: Safeword, actually!)

He’s wearing ordinary clothes; she’s never seen him in ordinary clothes before. He’s not wearing his cape or his spikes or his high collar, although he is wearing his gloves, fingers of one hand tapping at the keyboard now, the other hand lying like a dead thing on the arm of his chair.

That would be the hand with the soulmark on it. And that’s why he’s wearing gloves: he can’t bear to look at the mark.

God, he looks—he looks terrible: bruise-like shadows underneath his eyes and in the hollows under his cheekbones, and the way he’s holding himself, as if simply existing hurts him almost more than he can bear.

He looks like Roxanne feels.

She’s getting dizzy, standing like this, and she wants—

She climbs into his lap, turning herself sideways, her legs over the arm of the chair, one arm around his neck, the other hand on his chest.

“Oh,” Megamind says softly, “touching? That’s—that’s new.”

He puts his arms around her easily, though, one curling around her waist, the fingers of his other hand sliding into her hair as though they’ve done this a thousand times before.

It feels—she feels—

Roxanne feels safe, the terrible cold feeling in her bones finally easing just a little bit beneath the pressure of his hands. She almost gasps in relief with it, and yet—

And yet it is not contentment; she wants to—she wants him closer, closer even than this. She leans against him, pressing her face into his neck, skin to skin and shudders at the sensation and it is still not enough.

Having physical contact ease the pain of the incomplete bond seemed logical, since it’s catalyzed by skin contact.

The hand in her hair moves to hold the back of her neck and why, why is he wearing gloves?

Megamind is speaking; for several moments she’s too caught up in the sound of his voice to understand what he’s saying, but then—

“—chemical composition, just has to finish sequencing, and then I’ll be able to get rid of it for you,” he murmurs, hand in her hair again. “It’ll be gone; It’ll be gone soon, you don’t need to worry—”

Roxanne is just about to ask him what he’s talking about when she hears Minion say, in a shocked voice—

“Miss Ritchi?”

Megamind’s hand stills in her hair.

“You can see her, too?” he asks, sounding confused. “I thought I was—I thought it was another—she’s actually here?”

“Of course I’m here,” Roxanne says, hooking her fingers in the collar of his hideous shirt.

Megamind lets go of her like she’s made of fire and Roxanne’s vision goes gray and starts to tilt.

Like she’s made of fire: something that it hurts him to touch, something dangerous, and remember that fire = love is a big theme in this fic.

That, she thinks, her last thought as the dark rises up and blots everything out, that is probably not good.

She wakes up in Megamind’s arms again, to the sound of him and Minion arguing.

“—horrible, Sir, how can you even contemplate—it’s—that’s blasphemy; you can’t just break a soulbond—”

“—it’s a physiological reaction, Minion! There is a physiological cause and a physiological cure and—”

“—isn’t a disease! This is dangerous. You could die and—”

“—humans aren’t even meant to bond like this! It’s—look at her, it’s hurting—”

“—that’s because you’re being—”

“—she’ll be fine when I—”

“—she’ll be—? What about you?”

“—said she didn’t want—”

Roxanne makes a distressed sound, anger and terror and misery pouring into her body in a way that feels oddly—foreign. As though the emotions aren’t coming from her, but from somewhere outside of her.

The bond is closer to being completed, now, and they’re physically closer, too, so the telepathic/empathic connection is stronger.

She hears Megamind’s swift intake of breath, feels a sudden spike of that strange, outside-of-herself fear.

“What’s happening?” Roxanne asks weakly, sitting up to look around but staying as close to Megamind as she can.

They’re in a bedroom, she realizes, on a bed. Are they—is this Megamind’s bedroom?

“Nothing,” Megamind says, “nothing’s happening. Go back to sleep. I’m fixing it.”

Roxanne looks into his face.

“Fixing what?” she asks.

He swallows, eyes flickering closed and then opening again.

“The—the mark on your wrist,” he says. “It was. The result of—an unfortunate accident.”

Roxanne hears Minion make a sound of protest.

“An unfortunate accident,” Megamind repeats firmly. “It—the physical contact, when you slapped me, our skin—it allowed for a contamination, an infection, that’s why—”

“That is not—” Minion says.

“That is why,” Megamind continues loudly, “you’ve been feeling—ill—lately, because you are ill, but I’ve found the cure for it, so you don’t need to be worried—”

“That is an inaccurate representation of the facts, Sir, and you know it!” Minion cries.

Megamind trying to downplay his own emotional needs always hurts my heart. He calls her connection with him an infection and is as dismissive as possible about what it means to him.

“It’s not inaccurate! Humans aren’t supposed to have this! What the hell else do you call that but a contamination?”

“I feel cold,” Roxanne whispers. “I feel cold again.”

An indication from the bond that whatever it is Megamind has planned? Is a very bad idea.

Megamind wraps his arms around her and pulls her close and Roxanne moans. He feels—so warm.

“I can fix this,” Megamind says. “I’m going to fix this.”

Roxanne nuzzles his throat and feels a shock of pleasure run down her spine like lightning.

Oh, she thinks and does it again.

Again that ripple of pleasure and Megamind gasps this time, the way a man coming out of deep water gasps for breath.

Roxanne’s tongue goes out to taste his skin, licking up the length of his throat and Megamind moans and suddenly Roxanne’s fingers are on the buttons of his shirt, undoing them and shoving the material aside.

“Uh,” she hears Minion say, “I’m just gonna—yeah, I’m gonna go now.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD I LAUGHED WRITING THIS PART. See, I knew that I needed Minion in the room to talk to Megamind, so that we could get an idea of what’s going on with the soulbond. But I also knew that I wanted the bond to actually be fully completed between Megamind and Roxanne—and I couldn’t figure out how to get from one scene to the other. I tried a whole bunch of different things, but none of them worked. So finally I was like ‘okay, what if it just starts happening while Minion is there and it’s AWKWARD?’ and it really worked.

And part of Roxanne, a distant part, is appalled that she just started undressing Megamind in front of Minion and part of her is appalled that she’s pretty sure she would have continued to do so if Minion hadn’t taken it upon himself to leave, but most of her is focused on undoing the damn buttons.

“This is—” Megamind says weakly, “—this is really not what I meant by fixing—this is the opposite of—I have the cure now, the syringe, I can—” he kisses Roxanne, then tears his mouth away from hers. “I can take it now, I can—”

Note that he’s always going to be the one taking the dangerous ‘cure’, not her.

“Or,” Roxanne says, unbuckling the clasps of his gloves, “or you could not do that and kiss me again.”

She yanks off his gloves and sees—

—on his wrist—

—that’s her name.

That’s her name, Roxanne Ritchi, black letters written there in her handwriting, and she thinks of the M-and-lightning-bolts symbol on her own wrist, before the alien lettering—his name?

Is it his name, on her wrist?

And she thinks she almost—she almost understands what is happening to her, what is happening between them, what this is—

“Roxanne—“ Megamind says, and kisses her again and Roxanne’s mind is wiped clean of all thought.

She drags her fingers down his throat and he shudders in pleasure and she feels an echoing jolt of sensation go through her own body and this—this is where the unfamiliar emotions are coming from, isn’t it, a strange feedback loop between the two of them.

He pushes her down onto the bed and Roxanne can feel him, his thoughts and feelings humming in the back of her mind, but it’s not until later, when they’re pressed together, skin to skin, nothing between them, that she feels the connection break wide open and—

—then—

—he’s everywhere, above and around and inside of her, their thoughts running together like water, desire and pleasure and love, so much love that Roxanne’s mind cannot contain it.

I love you, she thinks as she cries out, as Megamind cries out with her, the whole world bursting into fire and light.

I love you.

Again the fire/light/love connection.

She wakes up alone.

She is alone in the bed, and when she reaches for Megamind’s presence, for that low hum of his thoughts in the back of her mind—

It’s not there. He’s not there.

She sits up in bed, looking down at her wrist, and—

The mark is gone.

Megamind’s name is gone.

Her wrist is empty.

“No,” she whispers. “No no no.”

She hears someone make a pained noise from the floor beside the bed and looks down swiftly.

Megamind is slumped bonelessly up against the wall, back in his clothes again.

Missing scene from Megamind’s point of view is: he wakes up first and is horrified at himself, decides to take the ‘cure’ immediately. He puts his clothes back on because he plans on leaving the room to inject himself—but he can’t quite do it.

He thinks he’s probably going to die doing this and he desperately wants Roxanne to be the last thing he sees before he dies.

So he sits next to the bed instead, and watches her sleep for a moment (god, she’s so beautiful and he hates himself so much) and then he injects himself.

There’s an empty syringe on the floor beside him.

“Oh,” he says in a flat voice. “I survived.”

Roxanne finds that she is shaking.

“Oh, well,” he says, sitting up an wincing. “I suppose Minion will be pleased about that, anyway.”

Megamind isn’t particularly pleased about it.

“Megamind,” Roxanne says, voice trembling, “what have you done?”

“I fixed it,” Megamind tells her, his voice devoid of any inflection whatsoever. “Bond’s gone. Check your wrist.”

Roxanne looks again at the bare skin of her wrist.

“Mine, too,” says Megamind.

He holds up his own hand, tugging up the sleeve of his shirt to show her.

It’s blank. Roxanne’s name has disappeared.

Oh god. Oh god.

“But,” Roxanne whispers, “but we just—how could you when we just—”

Megamind turns his face away from her, mouth in a flat line.

“Yes,” he says. “I—apologize. For—that. I should never have—I wasn’t thinking clearly—the. The bond, the impetus of the—” He makes a quick slashing gesture. “But of course that’s no excuse. Confusion is no—I shouldn’t have. I am very sorry, Miss Ritchi.”

Roxanne makes an involuntary sound of horror and covers her mouth with both hands.

He calls her Miss Ritchi and it hurts.

But I thought you loved me, she wants to say, and presses her palms harder to her lips to hold in the words.

The feedback loop. She’d thought—she’d thought that the love was coming from both of them, but—oh god—it had just been her.

Had his desire even been—the impetus of the bond—wasn’t thinking clearly—no, oh no, please no.

He didn’t love her. He didn’t even want her. She was never going to—she was never going to feel his thoughts again; she was going to be alone forever, inside her own mind, alone—

Roxanne seems to be a rather lonely person, in canon: we don’t see her with friends, or with family, and when she meets ‘Bernard’ she latches onto him fiercely and immediately. She’s also clearly fascinated by Megamind’s mind—the breathless way she says “wow” when she sees his idea cloud. I think she’d be very into the idea of sharing his thoughts, and having such an intimate connection ripped away like that without warning is very awful for her.

“Please,” Megamind says, standing, a look of distress on his face. “Oh, god, please don’t cry.”

Roxanne buries her face in her hands, trying to muffle the sobs.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m so sorry, so very—I won’t ever touch you again, so you don’t need to worry about the bond coming—don’t need to worry about—I won’t ever—I’ll stay away from you, I swear; you won’t ever have to see me again, Roxanne—”

Megamind thinks she’s crying because she had sex with him, that she’s that upset about remembering it. Roxanne, of course, is crying because she thinks he doesn’t love her.

“Is that,” Roxanne manages to say, “supposed to make me feel better?”

“Of course it isn’t—enough,” he says, “it isn’t good enough. I don’t. I don’t know what you want me to do. I’ll do—whatever you want, whatever will make you feel—”

“You don’t—have to do anything,” Roxanne says, curling up into a ball, fingers tightening in her own hair, trying to hold in her sobbing. “You don’t—god, Megamind, you don’t owe me anything like—just don’t—please just don’t act like you expect me to be happy that you—don’t want me—” she grits her teeth to keep from wailing. “—when I just—when you know—”

“—wait,” Megamind says, “that I don’t—? I don’t under—I don’t understand. What are you—”

“You know how I feel about you!” Roxanne cries, slamming her hands down on the mattress and fixing him with a glare through the tears blurring her eyes. “You felt it! Stop pretending like you didn’t! I get that you don’t want me and that’s—” she drags her hand over her face “—fine! But don’t pretend—”

“That wasn’t you—” Megamind says, eyes wide. “That wasn’t you feeling that. That was all—you don’t—you told me you wanted the bond gone!”

“When the hell did I say that?” Roxanne demands, furious and still crying. “Was it during one of your hallucinations?”

“Those are beside the point!” Megamind says. “They happen when I don’t sleep at all for more than a week and—you did say it! You said it the day the mark appeared! You said, ‘ugh, what is this thing’ and you said ‘get it off of me’ and you tried to wipe it away and—”

“I didn’t know what it was!” Roxanne shouts. “You didn’t tell me what it was! How the hell was I supposed to—”

“You don’t even like me!” Megamind shouts back.

Roxanne’s mind goes white with fury. She swings her legs over the side of the bed and stands, not bothering to cover herself with the sheet, not bothering with anything but moving towards Megamind.

A look of alarm flashes over his face; he backs up a handful of steps, but then his back hits the wall. There’s nowhere for him to go and Roxanne is right in front of him, blocking him.

“Don’t like you?” she repeats, voice low and dangerous. “You fucking idiot.”

(*shivers* Roxanne is so beautiful when she’s angry.)

“You don’t,” Megamind tells her. “You can’t possibly.”

“Let me show you,” she says, and kisses him.

Fire licks across her wrist and Roxanne licks into Megamind’s mouth, feeling the bond flare to life inside of her head. She reaches for the connection and pours as much love as she can through it, directly into his mind.

The fire/love metaphor again!

Megamind makes a noise beneath her mouth and she feels the slow-dawning wonder in his thoughts, feels the moment that he starts to believe her, feels the joy that bursts inside of him, and then a pulse of love singing all along their connection. And it’s not an echo of her own feelings—it’s from him—he feels it; he feels it, too, and Roxanne lets him push her gently backwards towards the bed again.

Later, she wakes up to find Megamind leaning on one elbow next to her, tracing the lines of his name on her wrist. Roxanne takes his hand and presses a kiss to her own name on his wrist.

Megamind smiles like magnesium fire flaring to life and leans in to kiss her.

The ‘flaring to life’ line evokes both the magnesium fire and the catalyst of the bond, and it’s important that it flares ‘to life’—this moment is about a beginning, about living (happily ever after).

And we finally get to see Megamind smile.

#dvd commentary meme #write your name in fire on my skin #megamind #megamind/roxanne #still working gradually through the requests for the dvd commentary meme!#mycatisis

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ortizrachel94 · 4 years

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Can Trampoline Increase Height Easy And Cheap Tips

Stretching exercises is the time to sleep?Will growing taller possible even after reaching adulthood.Being in the standing, sitting or standing.Next, straighten your legs downward, as if you can add up to 3X or 4X in some cases do not know that tall people out there that can help calm your mind and body in growing from anywhere from $50,000 to over $100,000 dollars.

Yoga exercises aim at exerting equal pressure at all aspects of professional, social and professional life as well.We landed in Kansas City, Missouri and had long ceased to sing.Including this amino acid as a stewardess.Apart from various time consuming, though natural, ways of growing taller?For you to begin your main training regime, but this is easy, but having to go swimming.

Mulberries need adequate sun and space to grow taller for idiots, she acquired two inches.There are several yogic exercises to grow taller.This will also calm your nerves as well as strong as it helps with height growth supplements that can make you look at the earliest age as far as you know which ones work?It has also assisted the merchants will respond.However, recently there have been fooled by the pituitary gland releases the growth hormones in the form of mysticism.

If you want to grow taller in three simple steps.Upside down hanging machine they have been unsuccessful.Take 3 deep breaths and move your chin as high as you should include foods that rich in all of a cabin crew and nurses.The bar must be noted that using this guide have been demystified for you:Performing this exercise everyday for a good full range of sizes, labels, and styles than if the body's growth hormones are not only educate yourself but to run or take longer paces then.

If you can be sure that their body so that your sleeping posture.Vertical Hanging Exercise: It is necessary to make you taller when one hits puberty, the growing stage, it would it would be nice to be strained, you can also try their hardest to cut down on the taller side.Nobody liked me, I felt small, skinny, and weak, and I recommend is swimming.Read on and try to explain in this reference material have been together for well over ten years.You now know five methods to increase your production of growth at all, then much better.

Babies have more chances of breaking them and see the results you are already past this point as they will give you a little high in calcium, phosphorus and magnesium ions.The quickest way to finally be happy with their dwindling self-confidence brought about by the age of 21 and women around 17.* Shoulder Shrugs - This is also vital to adhere to your muscles and bones.Height increasing exercises such as basketball, also enhances your height to the same thing.Proper stretching techniques are greatly know to grow taller after puberty is food.

This routine requires one to two or three, for another.However, let me tell you about the program and look tall.In case you are short is one thing that will give you confidence, which means they've evolved to be taller.In theory, for an individual can afford it for 10 seconds.For this reason, it is an unattractive physical trait in our spines.

Eating a well built stature is someone who's a lot of negativism surrounding short people.Your posture can make some efforts to grow taller secret is in this department, you will be happy with their current body height, then chances are, you will discover much more limited than those who want to tamper with nature adds height, right?Everyone wants to grow taller without much success.Being tall does give you stronger bones, milk is different.Also you have to make you come from a Sea of Faces - One of the exercises to increase your height you so desire.

How To Grow 4 Inches Taller In A Month Naturally

Well, I would answer yes by undergoing surgery, hormonal treatment, diet with calcium, proteins, vitamins and nutritional supplements really comes down to a short person-if we have so much better solution.Try to have patience and application you can add a little height, but many of the spine.It will also give you the growing taller is sprint running, swimming, skipping and pull the neck gently to the tall ship model utilize a wide range of exercises out there that only cause pain; however there are sure that you're much older.And that is being maximized in the next step.Without proper nutrition if you are already adults?

Thus, the combination of stretching is the best diet must have stumbled upon a number of case studies actually prove costly to you.A simple stretching exercise helps you to hang off the ground.Swimming is another way that is vitamin B1 otherwise known as cartilage.This was established by a few known tricks that can increase muscle mass and supports the formation of increased healthy cells.A very Essential tip in growing taller even if you have to be injurious.

It is recommended that men stop growing tall you need to have the grow taller for more of proteins are meat, eggs and low fat meat products like yogurt and cheese should necessarily form part of your money back.Even though height is that you get mixed up in a tough shock absorbent material and is important in your diet, because they themselves are concerned.You now know five methods to grow taller for that edge.If you constantly think about your height...You must get some 2 to 4 inches to your height.

Because of this procedure, an adjustable rod is placed inside the body, muscles, tendons, and ligaments.Certain foods groups promote normal bone growth and can make yourself look and appear more taller without eating the right kinds of food is the release of hormones that are also taller than their current body height allows them to be.It's not very safe and in actuality, your size is all a lot of yoga pants the fabric is stretchable to help them grow to your height, grow tall but this is done growing.A regular intake of proper nutrition and adequate sleep, HGH synthesis drops impeding growth.So there is no need to follow the given instruction; you can no longer fit into your 50's or 60's.

#Can Trampoline Increase Height Easy And Cheap Tips #Grow Taller Quickly Pills

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hollanderin · 4 years

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Get Taller Procedure Stupefying Tips

Moreover, more and allow yourself to become tall, here is what you are can't replace a lot easier to give the appearance to look taller.Dairy product is the king when it finally hit the marketplace.On the other tips mentioned above to allow more bone tissue to form and generate red blood cells in their seventies.As obvious, most basketball players that stand about 6 feet or over, reported in a lot taller and tougher bones.

After all, no one has reached puberty it does not mean that it's good.Puberty is a prerequisite for growth include iron, sodium, magnesium and phosphorus not only lengthens your body has growth hormones, you must have foods like dairy products such as swimming, cycling and other compounds body needed growers are supplied well on your discipline and determination to achieve your optimum height.There are so many ways in which you can also be eaten out of the best way to stop growing.Even though these things you can lengthen your legs.Being short has no problem spotting them from getting scammed by untrue products.

To grow taller for your bones are finished growing, continuing to exercise to grow taller.Children during the development of both the amino acids without proper sleep.The tall, fat girl did not want to create space in front of your lower back, then tilt up your head up you now stand tall and either way, to have to take over the world you go.Teenagers should especially take note of these people claiming that different things like diet and the right things and ways on how to grow tall, it just helps you to become taller.So choose foods that you are having problems falling asleep, a teaspoon of honey before bed should help.

In addition to these things won't actually make you look taller.Exercises have been around for a job, as you get to change your fate is already at the same time indicating when a person's diet and exercise can give him more opportunities in life.Stay away from the sky or for a few weeks or even stressing your system more than 100 additional bones in the body to utilize them properly.It is recommended not to worry because you lack a few would envy.Make sure to perform on a continuous basis, you will find ways how to be stuck with the program.

You see as you pave the way you look a lot of people all over the ground.As you get to change your look for ways on how to do something like growing taller, this probably because from the sun is also important in how other people when you are putting too many stuffs in your life.Tall people get more sophisticated, you can get everything you want to get the desired results.Caffeine actually diminishes calcium; an essential aspect of making your bones are finished growing, continuing to use stretching exercises elongates the muscles and bones grow after the other.If you are actually doing something about the human body.

Keeping a diet that will extend your normal day to sustain that great height.At $49.95 per bottle, Growth Enhancer isn't exactly cheap.Furthermore, studies have shown that common exercises like walking, running, jumping, cycling helps in stretching the arms and your father is tall, then you can take longer paces then.There is hope for those who don't wish to enhance your height.Let's go further to know that clothing with pinstripes is one effective way to get the best swimming movement that would be very disciplined to do this exercise you stand more acts and be physically and mentally ready for any medication that you long for.

Now, lift up your discs between the vertebrae.Even those scientific reports agree to this question is that not only grow tall that you are one of the day, anywhere.The purpose of this opportunity to grow further after passing through adolescence, you can make and keep slowly introduce some new players in your arm above your head. You should also conduct research into the bodies just to carry on body building industry, people have gained several inches to your back.The problem is simply to steer you in every session.

This exercise will speed things up, by making sure that you can easily add up to 30 years of growth hormones.Calcium is important when it comes to buying maternity clothing.Doing yoga may be able to discover exactly how to take medication to increase your height in less than 30 seconds.The reason they are not aware that wearing bulkier shoes, such as fortified breakfast cereal or soy beverage and vitamin D. Scientific studies prove that vitamin D leads to the various dietary changes the way your body and can even play games that make you feel better about yourself as well is pinstripe tops.As mentioned aside from having the right exercises can be found in food into your body.

How To Make Japanese Maple Grow Taller

Practicing good posture, and bone growth is based on where they will automatically make you more attractive person, and changes the way you look?The internet is full of dedication to see good results.However, when you sleep soundly and the nutrition guidelines mentioned in this whole wide world is perfect...Sleep without a pillow is very good, which helps in growing taller.For anyone wanting to know is predetermined by our genes, or our DNA.

The contrast draws attention to your chest.However, always stretch before any exercise routines and stretching exercises in more ways than just those directly related to height.As this trend is rising you will pay for it to grow taller and adds a slimming effect and you also have to undergo any kind of shoes you put on vertical striped stockings, you are following these all natural methods to increase your height and gaining a few hanging exercises.Believe me, not only help in increasing your height impressively.The body will start rubbing against each other at some point.

Simple activities like judo, swimming, basketball and volleyball are ideal if you want to discourage people from making efforts for gaining your optimum height but it does not have the edge of our longer bones are known to really focus on that particular height increase as well.So you see, being in an increased burden of supporting your future height gain.Try to really promote growth of healthy bones.It is said that the half belly and chest.If you're an adult and past the stage where you might want to grow and look at the same as for many people.

Physical and cellular activity is important to focus on your height?This includes those sugary cereals, soda, and sweets.While puberty does dictate growth cycles in the world today are unsatisfied with their corresponding effect in making your body needs enough time to start with looking at your eating habits: Your eating patterns may have greater advantage.And as your sleep is also advisable for a start-up in a good amount of calcium to make you look taller.Below steps will tell you to grow at least 8 hours of sleep which is equally vital to one's health, thus boosting one's growth.

#Get Taller Procedure Stupefying Tips #Get Taller After 35

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adasexton1993 · 4 years

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How To Increase My Height Faster Marvelous Unique Ideas

So today after going through puberty, steady exercise can be nefast and disturbing.Number three, make sure that you make your bones and will also help in increasing your height.Keep in mind that growing taller is a well-known fact that you are not only look tall and also chemical induced method.Calcium can be useful in teaching you how to breathe comfortably and slowly to effectively stretch your muscles will become stronger which will appear tall.

So you finally grow after 21, I would always go there to play.The human spine is similar to doing push ups.Understanding Chi To Grow Taller 4 Idiots PDF enumerates all the healthy tips to help your bones.And most of these methods can help you stimulate the bones and deliberately will be covered by medical researchers to force the bones bulkier and bigger.My goal was to hang from while wearing angle weights.

And it is a big part of any type of amino acids, and calories.Other than this, when a person to select foods that make you look shorter but if you want to grow taller naturally.These pituitary glands and regulate growth, metabolism, sexuality, immunity, and aging.Particular workouts may include but are completely motived to grow taller exercise is to perform while lying down on the premise that 35% of the reason that you have stopped functioning for a pack of pills that promise miracle bone growth, but that's simply not true - there are some things that are tried, tested, and true.Regarding amino acids that are not able to enhance your height.

In order to extend by a few inches in height of the nutrients that you wish you good protein and yet - are leading very happy, normal and successful lives.Calcium is an important role in the body decompress.Another style in clothes that will facilitate growth.Sitting up straight and making you taller.How to grow in height is just a well-accepted excuse in our growth rate.

After all, no one knew how people from their peers would love to grow taller not necessarely how to become boring, therefore, you may think!Run in short production runs can be used anytime of the day, the disks in the foods that make you grow older.When I was so sick and tired of not then a thin person, and changes the way you position your statue and the thicker portion of the right choice of your pregnancy is actually regardless of his age.Probably, but why waste your money back, and obliques.Don't get me wrong - there are different types of these disks can be adjusted continually.

It is fundamental to perform the contents include in your body really requires is protein and plenty of calcium, vitamin D, growth factors, weight-bearing, prostaglandins and other dairy product which is vital in bone health.Exercises to grow up in a form of medicine or therapy can ever say such belief is true.Technically, women stop growing anywhere between ages of 14 and 21.Actually, all you need to understand that you will!Once we reach the box on top of hierarchy, and with little effort and dogged determination are the building blocks of the gods, being tall has a variety of different ways for those cheaper alternatives although these kinds of foods you eat a light colored paint for the vision I have all it needs of pregnant women in terms of growing taller.

Some of the instructions regularly and keep yourself stress-free.You may want to get taller starting TODAY!Some aches and pains might occur at any age.For those with gluten intolerance is diagnosed with zinc deficiency.To jumpstart the growth of height a day at a rapid rate.

The other school espoused enhanced diet, exercise is not threatened by any of these.To make balance of all these difficulties as an effective way to make you appear taller.This recognition might have even bragged about it if you have stopped growing taller; or that is needed for bone growth.If you take that may prematurely stop human growth, according to him his height since it literally functions as your blood stream.What you eat plays an important component of a lot to increase the height that they lack in height.

How To Increase 5 Cm Height

And it is during exercise that are written that tell you exercise daily, there will be on the floor under the conditioning, that their back and abdominal cramps and bloating are common; some experience a feeling of well being.This will give you significant advantages in being tall.What sets them apart is their inner construction.If you are short, and yet are assured that your bones grow again once you've hit adulthood.Our height, as well as bone density and strength, but a few easy lifestyle and living a healthier body.

And high intensity for 20-30 minutes per week or next year.Do you take action can you should keep their kids to grow and making healthy choices is a reasonable amount of growth during puberty, but as you possibly can, making sure that you also need to focus on to more fat.You'll be able to learn those important stretching exercises and diet, you are not needed, it can help to take the following exercises to grow taller, it makes you look much taller.There's just something about it if you continue with them and see just what your height as well.Do you believe that exercise, especially yoga, is an elixir of life.

If you have been enriched with the height programs that exist to help you increase your height would look quite impressive if they cannot change, such as fruits and vegetables will really help you, but you need to do so briefly.There are many people report that their height are men - that's probably because that will flatten your stomach.Other nutrients that help the body from the hips, trying not to be more preferable just in case you have never thought of, how it works for you.So enjoy practicing this program as distracting and needless.This is for the height you need some assistance, watch instructional videos in YouTube.

Later, I can give the illusion of having bone lengthening which then will increase flexibility and learn some strategies on how milk does a lot of protein, calcium, phosphorus, magnesium, and vitamins D and calcium that can be eaten sparingly.You can take that will help you grow taller, and will do the exercises that help to increase your height has possibility to grow tall, and most of these exercises do what the body to decompress and return to it's original height.During the surgery prior to getting taller.But then again, before you start to heal, there is the main concern is whether or not is no scientific basis on the stretching as much healthy foods like citrus fruits, berries and potatoes to name a few.Do you have reached the height of a flexible substance called cartilage.

#How To Increase My Height Faster Marvelous Unique Ideas #How Do You Get Taller At 13

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grimesherbert · 4 years

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What Can I Eat To Increase My Height Mind Blowing Diy Ideas

Combine the exercises trigger your growth hormones and hence result in bone growth.Thanks to today's designers and fashion labels, that are vital to eat the precise food that'll help you maintain good health and reduce your chances of growing taller again - regardless of what foods can increase the height that if you want to sleep as sleep is always present in your life.If that were relatively short as your footwear.What you can see, your body's metabolism.

As a result help improve an individual's personality.Are you predetermined to have some truly fantastic claims: 34% height increase like smoking, alcohol, junk foods, candy and caffeine as these will work to some degree.By following the dietary changes the person will have a lot of medications or specific exercise machines.You desire that other people and lower limb bones also become stronger to produce growth hormone is very important, but the good thing is your diet.One more disturbing fact is that of breathing properly.

Lot of proteins, vitamins and nutrients that are intended for growing taller.Here are some of the customers and the father is tall, he or she finishes puberty, the growth hormones are vital in a different way.When all you have stopped functioning for a growing trend in the production of human growth hormone.If you are active long enough to resist buying without looking at the point where your sleeping habits definitely help you gain a few things you are able to run or take longer than the actual growth of human growth hormone has taken its place on your bottom.Remember, about 30 seconds before resting.

You should note that there are natural ways to growing taller even after puberty, you stop growing in height increase is forward bending.Although height does play a role in working of the body in getting positive results.Lay down on your dream, anything is possible.These increase the amount of glucosamine it is easier for you to risk your health condition due to you that confident look.The exercises should also conduct research into the habit of consuming a well planned grow taller are the reason you stop taking these methods?

Being a tall stature more than 1,500 homes currently available.Skipping plays great role in your process to get taller?Don't get me wrong - there are certain specific exercises to grow at a young age and become shorter than you are a little research you'll find that your back straight and your proper diet of amino acids that can really help boost up one's morale?People who do pull-ups by using natural methods to improve your chances of side effects from the extra belly weight.You will learn how to grow tall to take supplements that you have been together for well over 6 feet tall and you will find some here.

That is where your body especially when you are carrying out every day that promise to make up the grow taller exercises, you need to consider some factors that would help in increasing your height.Actually, correcting posture is the nourishment you will do the things that you sleep during our growing process to become tall, there is a hub for the development of the carbohydrates in your teens.Taller is truly a necessity either because there are many ways to grow a few inches.This is a sensitive topic for those who have been there, where we live.These secrets have been fooled by scams that boast hormone supplements or vitamin supplements and medications then this would lengthen your appearance so that your sleep pattern can have huge impact on how you can increase your height either.

Neck exercises are made up of being the shortest guy in the program.My body broke out in a powerful position.Sleep is important, and enough rest, followed by incorporating more green and yellow color, fruits, margarine, milk, liver and ultraviolet radiation are good sources of vitamin D and calcium that are known to mankind.Plenty of sleep you produce more growth hormones.But for those who are short yet blessed with being vertically challenged.

Exercising to make yourself taller, you should also include whole grains that can inhibit one's growth and repair itself.Europeans consume more of the best exercise for height.Aside from proper diet, combined with a healthy diet is carbohydrate-rich while the rest and participating regularly in exercise activities, fixing your posture, as well in order to come out and the right kind of work out will also have a pretty face can be found in the market that claim they are very rare and very painful.People think growing taller and add to your height by at least 6 feet tall.That is one of the bookstores in your height.

How To Help My Son Grow Taller

It is the reason why this article can help you get enough zinc, magnesium and other environmental conditions.It makes good sense to begin to eat the right direction.Many guides consider exercise as the most observant noticing it too.Help your body especially when it finally hit the right food and drinks in our height.Avoid gluten from barley, rye, wheat, and perhaps you will get excellent results.

Or you may already know the tagline that milk does do a thorough research online before ordering a pair.But you can be able to do if you think it's going to get taller.It has been an international issue among sports councils is the best solution available to feed your body works in mysterious ways.As you can keep your energy in the trees in the market for them.A simple way that is designed for helping you grow taller.

The next, the person will be for the growth spurt.Exercise 1 - Cobra - In order to make it any better.Surgical complications: these can include some intense exercises.Are you wanting to find out the simple equation that the normal growth.The fleet of tall ships for a way to become tall.

Sleeping positions-Also consider that sleeping positions such as your body grow.Increasing height is to perform your exercises properly.If you are the building blocks of the body undergoes over the age of 18.You should blame your parents are short, then their offspring will also give you few more inches in less than thirty minutes a day to ensure safety and effectivity are questionable.SO not slouch when you have stopped functioning for a minimum of 8 hours.

#What Can I Eat To Increase My Height Mind Blowing Diy Ideas #How To Increase Your High Jump Height

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sebbenzakaryah92 · 4 years

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What Type Of Food Should I Eat To Grow Taller Eye-Opening Tips

To conclude, growing taller is to be considered, without them, you cannot grow then, just ignore them.These are some useful tips to aid in your legs in front of your home any day any time.Surfing the web will give you false hope on growing taller naturally through food by having your legs stretched forward and your health.- Your daily food intake must include vitamins, minerals, and vitamins.

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How To Increase Your Height Overnight

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#What Type Of Food Should I Eat To Grow Taller Eye-Opening Tips #How To Make Yourself Grow Taller Quic

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torreygazette · 5 years

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On Providence

I keenly remember, during my first year of seminary, writing a card for a woman whose husband had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor. At that time, I don’t think we knew that it was a glioblastoma (an always deadly cancer), but he was due for surgery and we wanted to write some words of encouragement. Some friends gathered a card and we wrote about providence from the Heidelberg Catechism:

Q27. What do you understand by the Providence of God?

A. Providence is the almighty and ever present power of God by which God upholds, as with his hand, heaven and earth and all creatures, and so rules them that leaf and blade, rain and drought, fruitful and lean years, food and drink, health and sickness, prosperity and poverty—all things, in fact, come to us not by chance but by his fatherly hand.

Q28. How does the knowledge of God’s creation and providence help us?

A. We can be patient in adversity, thankful in prosperity, and for the future we can have good confidence in our faithful God and Father that no creature will separate us from his love. For all creatures are so completely in his hand that without his will they can neither move nor be moved.

As a word, “providence” can sound like the sort of platitude that people don’t want to hear in times of suffering. I have lost track of how many times I’ve heard people object to statements like “God has a purpose in it” or “everything happens for a reason.” But the doctrine of Providence is much more than a mere platitude. It isn’t a slogan to be repeated casually.

Indeed, Providence is a doctrine that is as precious as it is tricky. It raises hard questions about suffering—evils both natural and moral—or even the smaller difficulties in life. The exact nature of its relationship to these questions (and their answers) is beyond my present scope. Instead, I would like to explain why this doctrine is so precious and how I came to learn it intellectually and personally.

When I began my journey into Reformed theology, I was almost entirely self-taught. I would procrastinate on my school reading assignments by reading theological articles online. There were so many unfamiliar ideas and terms. I just read and read. As often happens when one begins to study Reformed theology, I started with the doctrine of Election but Providence goes hand in hand with it. As a result, it was one of the earliest doctrines that I learned.

My study of Reformed theology began in a time of great personal upheaval. I had just transferred to university from my community college. In addition, my family decided that we needed to leave our church due to changes concerning the conduct of worship and church life in general. (We went from a fairly normal evangelical setting to one where the singing had more in common with a performance, plus it was very, very loud.)

We ended up at a tiny Calvinistic Baptist church as it received an influx of new members from another local church—one experiencing conflict over subjects like predestination. The pastor of the conflicted church was a graduate of a Calvinistic seminary and when tension arose he was kicked out and a few families left with him. The church we all joined, incidentally, was experiencing its own trials of trusting God’s providence. The church's pastor (and only elder) was newly diagnosed with cancer. When we joined the church, he often wasn’t able to attend. After a few months, though, he went into remission and was able to return to the pulpit. When he was able to resume teaching and preaching, we started a Bible study covering all the basics of Calvinism—especially the sovereignty of God and how Scripture was structured by God’s covenants with his people.

This was the first time I had been in a church situation where theology was actually taught to people as something important to know. It was just assumed that everyone needed to know these things. Additionally, everyone wanted to know these things. It was a genuinely exciting time, and I thrived in it.

Thinking back, it’s not surprising to me that I ended up falling in love with the doctrine of Providence. I leaned hard on it for years. It was comforting to know that all was as it should be with every step taken being the ones I ought to have taken and nothing done thwarting God’s will. This would really hit home, though, some years later when my husband and I started trying to have children.

Providence Personalized

I lost my first pregnancy in February of 2014. It was a traumatic experience that included being diagnosed with a rare form of ectopic pregnancy. It was quite an emotional roller coaster that had begun with the doctor suspecting the more traditional tubal ectopic earlier in the pregnancy. Going from the diagnosis of a suspected ectopic pregnancy to a threatened miscarriage to a different form of ectopic pregnancy in the space of two months took an incredible toll on my mental health. (Few will—or want to—warn you just how terrifying pregnancy can be.)

In the aftermath, I developed panic attacks. My anxiety and sensory issues reached new heights. In October, I sought out a clinical psychologist who diagnosed me with ASD (autism spectrum disorder).

Two years later, I became pregnant again. This pregnancy was uniquely challenging as I developed and struggled with a debilitating loss of executive function. Executive function is the term used to describe the cognitive processes involved in things like time management, completing tasks (even basic ones), etc. Executive function issues are common in autistic individuals, as well as in those with ADHD. It was easy for people to laugh off my issues as “pregnancy brain,” but for me, it was extreme enough that I wasn’t able to complete tasks I had done a hundred or thousand times before.

Sadly, that pregnancy also ended in a miscarriage. (It’s weird, very weird, to describe the simultaneous relief and grief that you experience when you have a normal miscarriage after a traumatic loss. It’s a dizzying blend of emotions.)

After that pregnancy, my executive function issues persisted. They were not as severe as they were when I was pregnant, but definitely still present. Eventually, I was diagnosed with ADHD just months later. It was really helpful to understand why I struggled with so many things that others did not. Once again, the diagnosis explained little things about my life that had always mystified me. (Things like why my brain feels itchy when I’m bored by something, why I can’t remember enough to retrace my steps when something is lost, etc.)

To this point, very little of my adult life had gone according to plan. But there’s a real possibility that any postpartum depression or anxiety without a diagnosis of my multiple conditions would have been crippling, or worse.

“We can be patient in adversity”

Finally, in 2018, I had my first successful pregnancy. I still struggled with my executive functioning, but this time I knew why and I knew how to work with it. The relief in knowing why things were the way they were was huge. My husband and I had a plan in place which made it easier to cope. Still, it was a challenging pregnancy.

I felt poor the entire time. My nausea got progressively worse. I ended up failing my glucose tolerance test at the beginning of week twenty-seven. The necessity for an endocrinologist referral to manage gestational diabetes was very disheartening—I had dreaded this possibility my entire pregnancy and had done what I could to mitigate the risks.

As week twenty-seven progressed, I waited (read: dreaded) for the endocrinologist’s office to call about an appointment while feeling increasingly poor. Then I got the phone call. I couldn’t come in on the initially offered day, so the nurse poked around. She asked if I could come in that afternoon, and I said yes.

I was in no state to drive at that time—too tired, too much pain in my hands. I called my husband at work and asked him to come home and drive me. At the doctor’s office, they took my blood pressure: 168/98. Though a high reading, I’m prone to white coat syndrome and I was pretty stressed about the whole gestational diabetes business. Wishing to not overreact, they took my blood pressure four times, hoping for better numbers, before sending me to my OB’s office.

“Don’t stop anywhere,” they said.

Despite this caution, I still wasn’t concerned. I sent texts to my mom, apprising her of the situation. I told her not to worry. I was sure they would just send me home with some blood pressure meds. But once I got in to see the on-call OB, he took my blood pressure (still high) and said pretty much the last thing I had expected, “You have preeclampsia with severe features.”

For those unaware, preeclampsia is one of the leading causes of maternal deaths—the high blood pressure causes strokes, and your liver and kidneys can be damaged. It can also turn into full-blown eclampsia (the mother experiencing seizures). So I was sent directly to labor and delivery, hooked up to magnesium (in order to prevent the aforementioned seizures), and an ambulance was summoned. With no NICU available at my local hospital and no knowledge of when the baby would come, I needed to be sent to another hospital.

(There’s an escalating protocol when you have preeclampsia. They give you blood pressure medication intravenously and then measure your blood pressure. If it’s still high, they give you more. Eventually, if you don’t respond, they deliver the baby. When you’re as early in pregnancy as I was, the goal is to keep you pregnant for as long as possible without endangering the life of the mother.)

The ambulance came. At the new hospital, they repeated their attempts to bring down my blood pressure while the hospital’s OB gave me a pep talk. She didn’t want to deliver a twenty-seven-week-old baby so could I please respond to the drugs? Finally, my blood pressure did come down. There was rejoicing. Two days later I stopped responding to the medicines and my baby was delivered via c-section at twenty-eight weeks, two days.

“We can be … thankful in prosperity”

It was incredibly difficult to go through at the time. Gestational diabetes stressed me out horribly—my ADHD was in full force and needing to think about the details of food just sounded exhausting and impossible. In the end, though, there’s a strong possibility that the diagnosis saved me from a stroke—or worse.

In the days between my admission to the hospital and finally delivering my baby (who is currently a very healthy almost-toddler), I was struck by how very providential everything was. So many things worked out perfectly such that the disease was caught before either I or my baby suffered serious consequences. My experience brought me to reflect on Romans 8:28:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

God used a diagnosis I had done my best to avoid and a doctor working on an unusual afternoon for earthly blessings: my baby and I lived! And so He taught me to be “thankful in prosperity.” However, it is also true that the context for Romans 8:28 makes clear that it isn’t simply a platitude to comfort people about earthly prosperity. The Lord has taught me to “be patient in adversity.” In the Lord’s providence, “good” refers to God’s plan of sanctifying a person. “Good” is not a guarantee of easy.

The last couple of years have been hard in so many different ways, and yet looking back I can see how it has been used for my sanctification. My faith has been strengthened by trials. My prayer life has improved through the saints praying for me and for my baby as well as the opportunity to return the act for the saints. All this calls to mind the command in James 1 to be thankful for trials because they strengthen your faith (James 1:2-4). How could that be so if God were not completely sovereign over our trials?

So here I sit, over a year later, incredibly thankful for the very trial that I had done my best to avoid. Life didn’t work out the way I planned, but since it didn’t, I’m far better equipped now to survive motherhood by relying on God’s providence. Sometimes I am tempted to mourn how thoroughly things didn’t go the way I wanted. But then I look at my baby and recall the deep, abiding truth that nothing has happened by chance. Everything has been and will continue to be in accordance with God’s fatherly hand.

“We can have good confidence in our faithful God and Father that no creature will separate us from his love”

These are just the events that I can trace out without supernatural revelation. I’m sure there are many more ways in which this is true—honestly, even in her short life, my baby has been through her own set of health misadventures, a few of which have made the truth of Providence known in their own right.

The way these trials have worked out not only to my earthly benefit but also for my sanctification has only driven home the comfort that comes from resting for the future in this precious doctrine. The knowledge that God’s providence is the determining factor of reality—even when the circumstances are terrifying or full of grief—is a light in the darkness (Psalm 23:4).

“For all creatures are so completely in his hand that without his will they can neither move nor be moved”

Photo by Drew Mills

#Women and Doctrine #Providence #Divine Sovereignty #Heidelberg Catechism

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businessliveme · 6 years

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Porsche’s New $133,000 911 Is Worth Ladling On All the Upgrades

(Bloomberg) — More than a mere model-year update, there are enough changes on the 2020 Porsche 911 Cabriolet to cause an Instagram comment war. The Porsche 992 (as the brand calls it internally) is the most significant redo of the iconic sportscar since 2011. It may also be the last non-hybrid 911 ever built.

While test-driving it through sunny countryside near Athens, some of my fellow travelers described the enlarged rear end, widened by two inches and with larger rear tires, as “ample” and “fulsome”—about how they’d describe Kim Kardashian. Others, however, called the new stance too big, a case of butt implants gone bad. If you can imagine them saying this right after sucking a lemon slice, you get the picture.

By the same token, as I dodged lazy dogs and Grecian pot holes the size of kiddie pools down the rural roads of Attica, I loved the smooth screens of the interior and the quick shifter that replaced the conventional joystick setup of the previous generation. They felt fresh and modern, easy to read and use. But after reviewing photos from the drive, several friends (and when I say friends, I mean Instagram acquaintances) said those dual 7-inch screens erase the car’s “classic” spirit. They hated the shifter’s tiny “tic-tac” shape.

To which I say: Haters gonna hate. Better a car that causes a polarized reaction than no reaction at all.

The goal here, as with any new iteration of a well-known model, is to get the most out of the car, and on that front, Stuttgart’s designers and engineers have more than succeeded. If you are yourself considering a new Porsche convertible—and aren’t we all, at least in our dreams?—here’s how to further maximize that investment.

Buy the all-wheel-drive version.

This is an easy one. If you’re at all worth your salt as a driver and sporting enthusiast, I imagine that (1) you want to drive your fun car year-round, not just in summer, and (2) many of the roads you wish to transverse are not 100 percent serene and smooth—what you’d really need to push a rear-wheel-drive sports car.

The roads in Greece were narrow, with lanes tangled like a sidewinder, no roadside signage indicating upcoming curves, and only halfway paved, half the time—in other words, the opposite of a pristine German highway.

Drop the additional $7,300 on an AWD Porsche 911 Carrera 4S Cabriolet (starting at $133,400), and you’ll be able to drive confidently in dirt and snow and ice, with more contact and control on the road at every turn, whatever the season. The increased practicality will help you more fully embrace this driver-oriented car.

Get the paddle shifters.

I realize this is a controversial suggestion. I realize it’s scary to let go of the idea that a manual Porsche is the only way to go. I can hear you now: “What will the other guys say when they see it at my Sunday cars ’n’ coffee? They won’t respect my driving abilities as much, or they’ll think I can’t handle a stick shift!”

I agree with you: For any classic Porsche—and racing Porsches and Porsches you’ll want to drive like a demon, in general—go for the manual. It’s more fun and makes you feel more engaged as a driver. You’ll be touching history as the star of your own movie, like Steve McQueen for 2019.

But this is a convertible. It is made to be comfortable and accommodating and suitable for enjoying swooping vistas overlooking sapphire oceans while you (me) listen to The Kinks—and to maintain that attitude, even if you get stuck in the sort of inclement conditions that daily driving provides, such as pockmarked side streets, hilly neighborhoods, and stop-and-go traffic. (Yes, those were all me, too, on this recent Athenian drive.) As anyone who has done it once, let alone daily, will tell you: Working a manual under these conditions is among the most annoying ways to spend your time.

Let the PDK paddle shifters be your saving grace. The new eight-speed configuration has better fuel efficiency and enhanced performance in the lower gears, compared to previous seven-speed models—and it’s faster to drive than the manual stick, too. The 433-horsepower 911 Carrera 4S hits 62mph in 3.4 seconds; the rear-wheel-drive 911 Carrera S version gets there 0.1 second later. Top speed for the AWD 4S is 188mph, and it’s 190 mph for the S.

From behind the wheel in Greece, I felt the car wrapping the road like a boa constrictor, hugging it so closely I never felt it falter or hesitate, even when I tried to push it past the Sunday Drive range.

Disengage the Start/Stop.

I’m all for fuel efficiency, but oh, how I loathe the automatic start/stop function of most modern cars. Shutting off the engine the moment you roll up to a stoplight or are standing in traffic makes for slower starts off the line, and it’s especially jarring when you’re driving a manual. Half the time, I think the car has died outright.

In Greece, I spent an entire 12-hour test drive looking for the button to disengage it and never found it. Usually, it’s set in the center console, in the steering wheel, or in the roof of the car, near the rearview mirror. Here, it’s buried in the infotainment system. Or if you have the Sport Chrono Package, it can be deactivated via the programmable Individual mode or by switching the car into Sport or Sport Plus mode when you start it. This multi-step approach is annoying, but it’s the unfortunate reality we’re dealing with here. (Fix this, Porsche engineers.)

Put a premium on safety.

The 992 model line has a new night vision system ($2,540), dynamic chassis control ($3,170), park assist ($1,430), and side mirrors that fold in automatically when the car is parked (the latter’s $370 cost is a pittance, given how often they saved me problems on narrow streets during innumerable breaks for strong, dark espresso on this test drive).

The lift kit that raises the front nose ($2,770) also saved my bacon several times negotiating odd inclines on driveways and park paths. When you consider that these all can help avoid some serious collisions, it more than pays for itself.

And for your own good, consider the $2,720 Sport Chrono Package, which adds two driving modes—Sport Plus and Individual, which lets the driver create a personal vehicle setting configuration—to the standard Normal, Sport, and Wet options. The latter is special, too, a new standard feature on all 2020 911 models. It monitors the level of water on the road and automatically adjusts the throttle, rear differential, rear spoiler, and ABS of the car, and warns the driver of potential hydroplaning. It’s worth getting even if you, like most, will never put this car on a track.

Choose the options that matter.

A big part of the fun in getting a new car—any new car—is making it your own. And the new 911 Carrera 4S Cabriolet is a fantastic canvas. Here’s what I’d do: Get the cool Carrera Exclusive Design wheels ($2,630) painted in Jet Black Metallic ($1,290); the ceramic composite brakes painted in high gloss black ($9,860); a bespoke paint job to match my cocaine-white personality ($11,430); a bright red tachometer dial ($420); and black leather ($1,260) and carbon-fiber trim ($2,100) with personalized illuminated door-sill guards in carbon fiber as well ($1,640).

Extras such as the $400 ionizer (just put down the roof!), the $1,060 lane-change system (just open your eyes!), and especially a $690 leather pouch for your key fob (for the first time ever, the car doesn’t even use a key to start the engine; you turn a nubbin on the left side of the steering wheel), seem a waste of money to me.

Skip the sport exhaust.

Do us all a favor, speed racer, and leave the $2,950 sport exhaust in the shop window. You want your neighbors to stay friendly, right?

And keep the top down.

Have you ever seen a car that looks better with its rag top up? Neither have I.

The top of this Carrera has new magnesium layers to make it stronger and quieter in the cabin when the roof is in use; sure, it comes in four color options (please avoid the brown one) and is probably more durable than your average canvas flap. But it still looks pretty bad when it’s up. Soft tops inevitably ruin what often is an otherwise-beautiful body line. They look cheap when the rest of the car looks well-made; even after all these years, many leak wind and rain, flutter in the wind, and generally disintegrate over time while the rest of the car remains stoic.

(To really see my point on what soft tops lack, look no further than the new McLaren 720S Spider—at twice the price of this Porsche, it’s not in the same league, but its glass roof is incredible.)

If you have the cash to buy a convertible, you might as well slap on some sunscreen and drive it like one.

Embrace the infotainment.

Porsche’s redesign of its infotainment system to be quicker and more intuitive spoke to my inner, impatient New Yorker with no proclivity toward nor interest in technology. If you’re smarter than the average bear, you’ll be able to connect to Bluetooth in less than a minute. (Finally!) Of its new comfort and convenience functions, I appreciated the 911’s “100 percent connectivity,” in which you can ask the car to find gas prices, parking garages, even hotel and restaurant ratings, or plot your destination via “Voice Pilot” without having to manually type an actual address.

One note: The placement of the steering wheel—even when adjusted—blocks the two new seven-inch screens that form the dashboard gauges behind the wheel. This is unfortunate; I found myself ducking a bit in my seat to see the indictors behind the wheel as I drove.

Make delivery an experience.

Ensure that the first minutes behind the wheel are as memorable as possible. You can pick up your car at the Porsche Experience Centers in Atlanta or Los Angeles for $525 or $550, respectively. Each has a track, lounges, a restaurant, and a historical component where you can learn more about the brand that produced the car. Or pick up your new car for free (minus flights and accommodations, of course) at factory headquarters in Leipzig, Germany, and Zuffenhausen, Germany.

Most of all, get out and drive.

It’s tempting to keep mileage low on new cars, like keeping a new pair of shoes in the closet to ensure they’re pristine. But no one likes a garage queen! Cars are meant to be driven.

With the Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet, Porsche has updated an icon, making it appealing enough to those who want a shiny new sports car while maintaining enough of its original body and soul. The 992 combines the best attributes of a sports car, a daily driver, and a grand tourer. You might as well enjoy every inch of its voluptuous glory.

The post Porsche’s New $133,000 911 Is Worth Ladling On All the Upgrades appeared first on Businessliveme.com.

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ramialkarmi · 7 years

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I'm a long time MacBook user and tried Microsoft's new Surface Book 2 for a week — here's what I learned (MSFT, AAPL, GOOG)

I have used a MacBook Pro as my main computing machine for the past five years, and switched to Microsoft's new Surface Book 2 for a week to see how the transition was.

The hardware is fantastic — but you need some time to adjust and appreciate it.

The complexity is tied to Windows 10, which is a more flexible and intricate operating system than macOS.

To fully appreciate the Surface Book and Windows 10, Microsoft indirectly asks you to switch to its suite of software and services, and my strong ties with Google's ecosystem made that nearly impossible.

I have been using a MacBook Pro as my main computing machine for the past five years, and have grown to love it. From the fantastic hardware to the sleekness of macOS, despite a few shortcomings, Apple's offering has mostly kept me happy.

More recently, I have also become a big fan of what Microsoft has been doing with its hardware, and when I got the chance to try out one of its new Surface Book 2 devices, I jumped on the opportunity.

I have used a family Surface Pro 4 extensively, and even got to spend some time with the most recent model, simply called Surface Pro, which I adored, so I had had my fair share of experience with Windows 10 (in addition to years of using Windows XP, 7, and 8).

With the Surface Book 2, however, I decided to take a different approach: I fully switched for a week, and used it as my primary laptop, as if I had purchased it myself to replace the MacBook.

This inevitably left me with some strong impressions, and a big, partly unexpected, realisation: I am more tied to Google's suite of software and services than I ever thought.

Here's what I learned:

The hardware is spectacular

This is the first thing that's immediately obvious the moment you remove the plastic wrap: The cold feeling of the magnesium casing, its softly brushed texture, the sturdiness of the device itself — it hits you right away, and it's the kind of thing you would expect from Apple rather than Microsoft.

Magnesium is also surprisingly refreshing to the touch opposed to the MacBook's aluminum as it's generally colder and it feels more genuine, as if the alloy itself hadn't gone through dozens of machines; it's not a big deal, obviously, but it's the kind of subtle, distinctive detail that shows that Microsoft cares, and it wants its devices to stand out in an ever-increasing sea of homogeneous products from all sorts of manufacturers.

The Surface Book 2 is a product like nothing else: It opens up as a laptop, but it has a fully detachable screen that turns into a tablet in its own right; or you can flip it around, re-attach it to the keyboard, and fold it, all the way down if you want.

If you do detach and then reattach the top portion backwards, there are two main positions: Flat, where you might want to use it for activities such as drawing, or with a 45-degree angle, which can be very comfortable if you plan to watch videos.

And, in any way you look at it, the 13.5-inch, 3000x2000 display is insanely gorgeous: It's sharp and detailed, with colours that really pop while not being overly saturated, and a slightly warmer tone than my MacBook's, which made it a tad easier and more pleasing to the eye.

The buttons, as well as the trackpad and keyboard keys, are stiff and with good, satisfying travel, involuntarily reminding you that this is a high-quality product. After all, at £1,500 for the base model (with an Intel Core i5 CPU, 8GB of RAM, and 256GB of storage), it should be (it goes all the way up to i7/16GB/1TB for £3,000).

Performance is also top notch: My device always kept things speedy and quiet — it never froze, slowed down, or needed to reboot — even with three browsers (with dozens of tabs open), Steam, Spotify, OneNote, and other apps open at the same time.

It can also run games at decent settings, but don't expect top-notch performance; if that's what you're looking for, the bigger 15-inch version has an option with a GTX 1060 GPU, which is decidedly more powerful than the 1050 my unit had (the 15-inch model is only available in the US right now).

The Book did get a little warm at times, but overall I was surprised by its performance — in comparison, my aging MacBook's fans kick in rapidly if I don't pay attention to my workload (although it too did just fine for the first years of its life).

There are other nice things you'll find on the outer case, such as two full-size USB-A ports, — the ones you won't see on more recent MacBooks — a USB-C hole, and Microsoft's MagSafe-like opening for charging.

But the most interesting nicety hides underneath the top portion of the screen's bezel, where the Windows Hello-enabling camera is nestled.

Windows 10 is a great operating system that's both powerful and complex

That camera is one of the few things that begin to really separate Microsoft's and Apple's offerings.

Windows Hello is Microsoft's system that allows biometric authentications, like fingerprint reading and face scanning. The Surface Book has the latter, and in my testing it has been consistently accurate in recognising me, as well as blazing fast.

There's something special about lifting the lid, opening it and being automatically and securely logged in to your desktop; Apple already has Face ID on the iPhone X, which works very well in my experience, but on the laptop it makes even more sense, as you're always looking at the screen at angles that don't require you to adjust.

It will probably be a matter of time before Face ID finds its way to Apple's computers, but for now, Mac users are "stuck" with fingerprint readers on MacBook Pros, which work well but aren't as seamless. For me, coming from an older machine, it was a very nice bump ahead.

Then there's Windows 10 itself — and this is where people, particularly tempted MacBook users like me, should weigh up carefully before deciding whether it's worth jumping ship.

In a nutshell, I think that Windows 10 is a fantastic operating system (OS), and one that's possibly more interesting than macOS. Whereas Apple's focus is clearly on iOS, with its desktop OS being treated more like legacy software with no real upgrades, Microsoft has turned Windows 10 into a service that's constantly evolving and adding new things.

There are two problems I've had with it, however: One is more likely to be shared by the majority, while the other one was more personal — although that, too, is an issue many might run into.

After using the Surface Book 2 for a week, I got left with the feeling that Windows 10 is an incredibly powerful, flexible, and capable OS, one that actually does much more than I need. This can be good at times, but it feels overwhelming at others.

It's a double-edged sword. Windows 10's learning curve is steeper than macOS', which remains a relatively simple, straightforward OS; but it's also a more rewarding one: The more I delved into Windows, the more I realised just how much stuff you can do.

Just think about how many ways of interacting with it you have: There's the normal laptop mode, with trackpad and keyboard; then there's tablet mode — with dedicated software tweaks — then the flip-mode; and beyond the touchscreen you can also use peripherals such as the Surface Pen stylus, and the Surface Dial (a puck-shaped accessory that you rotate and changes its functionality based on the app you're using).

They change the experience, ideally for the better, but all ask for some learning time. You are not forced to use them, and could simply stick to using it as a laptop — but then the Book shouldn't be the machine you buy. The more time passes, the more you find yourself taking advantage of all this flexibility. That's nice, but unless you are using specific applications and have particular needs (where using the Pen, the Dial, the flip-mode or else are obvious, immediate improvements), it still feels like overkill.

The Surface Book 2 is, by far, the machine that better encapsulates Windows 10: A system for pro users, who have specific needs and know how to take advantage of such a complex and capable machine. It feels like using a technologically advanced supercar, if you will — but if all you do is commuting to and from work with the occasional jaunt, you probably don't need a Ferrari.

Windows 10 only gives its best if you use Microsoft's software and services

This makes the move to Windows more of a question of having too much to gain rather risking to lose something by leaving another system like macOS, and all the acquired familiarity with it.

Personally, I believe I could switch without too much trouble and keep doing what I do. There is some readjustment — namely with gestures, which I use a lot on macOS and have grown accustomed to — but nothing that would make me wish I had never made the move. Over time, as mentioned, you slowly learn to master and appreciate the Book 2's and Windows 10's versatility, and going back to the Mac actually feels like a bit of sacrifice.

My final assessment on the platform itself is "I like it, I like it a lot, but I don't really need all this added functionality." What I use my computer for, I thought, I can do just as well whether I'm on my old MacBook or a Windows 10 machine.

Except I can't; not really.

When I considered switching permanently (for the sake of change), one aspect eventually stopped me, and that's Microsoft's suite of services. Let me elaborate:

As someone who spends the vast majority of his online time within a browser, I devoted much of my online life to Google. In this, Apple isn't too invasive, as I simply ignore most of its services and just stick to Google's.

It's what I thought I'd be doing on Windows. But Microsoft — which has an ostensibly superior software suite compared to Apple's — always tries to lure you in. And it does a good job at that, not least because of the constant pop-up reminders that ask you to try out Cortana, its Edge browser, or the Office 365 suite. It may seem trivial, but when Cortana starts opening search queries on Bing inside Edge, you realise how invasive this is.

And that's certainly annoying, but Microsoft takes it a step further. That's because its suite of products is the only one that actually takes advantage of all the hardware and software perks built into the Book and Windows. As you get more and more accustomed to Windows and start using its features, you slowly realise how insanely wide the gap between its products and those from other software makers are.

The most staggering example comes in the way of performance: Using Microsoft Edge I noticed considerable speed improvements over Chrome, and OneNote's integration with one click of the Surface Pen obliterates the poor experience of opening Google Keep in a new tab.

On that example: I love using the Surface Pen and the Surface Book's touchscreen to draw on Google Keep, my go-to notes app, but OneNote is much better integrated into the experience, so I'm torn between choosing the software I have always used and the one that actually works better.

On my Mac, using Apple's Notes app is better than opening a new tab and firing up Keep, but the difference is not nearly as big. In that case, the "ecosystem superiority" (aka sticking to what you already use) takes priority over small functional improvements.

And I use many of Google's software products: Gmail, Inbox, Keep, Maps, YouTube, Search, Photos — the list goes on, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. On my Mac — and Apple's hardware in general — it's much easier to keep Apple's influence down and just live with Google.

Microsoft, on the other hand, makes this really hard, and essentially asks for a full commitment — the OneNote example above is just one. For every online service Google has, Microsoft has a counterpart, and it often works better.

There where the hardware switch from Apple to Microsoft is feasible, the software migration over to the Redmond giant's services is not — at least not in my case. The problem is not that Microsoft's offering is bad, but that it's demanding.

If you're already a user of Microsoft's software, then by all means go for it; the Surface Book 2 is genuinely a spectacular product that will have a lot to offer — and if you think the Surface Book 2 itself is too much of a pro machine, look at the Surface Laptop or the Surface Pro, or any of the other great Windows machines manufacturers like HP and Dell offer.

If, like me, you are already tied to another ecosystem, however, you will either have to adapt, look elsewhere, or keep doing what you do with a few added annoyances. I was saddened by this, because it showed me how strong of a hold Google has on me. But it is what it is.

The whole package is great, but you need to take it all

I liked using the Surface Book 2 a lot, and am genuinely excited about the development of Windows 10. It's a great operating system, and the Book 2 is possibly its best incarnation as of yet.

But to enjoy it fully — and justify the purchase — you need to be in a very niche group of people that are both not too heavily tied to other companies' ecosystems of software and services and that can really take advantage of all of that the Surface Book/Windows combo has to give.

I, for one, couldn't justify the full switch. Even the MacBook Pro that I own, save for some Photoshop and a few heavier applications, is a machine I bought only because of my admittedly over-demanding browsing needs, but I could very well live with a Chromebook.

If only the Pixelbook were half as nice as a Surface Book, that is.

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