#also me literally telling myself ill magically just not have social anxiety for the new year 🤡

[donghoonie-3]

ahhh

[cursedbcrn]

interaction cheat sheet

This post is largely for new mutuals but also just any mutual who wants to start up an interaction with me (maybe we’ve plotted before, or we wrote a thread that ended and haven’t started a new one, or you added a new muse to your multi since we last chatted). I know how daunting things can be when you’re trying to interact with people you’ve never written with before. Doubly so for established blogs, multimuses, etc. Essentially this page is a cheat sheet of sorts on how to best start writing with me, if you’re not the type to be into “come into my askbox and keysmash at me” technique.

GENERAL DISCLAIMER: This is in my rules, but I am slow. I’m not talking few days slow, but more like few weeks-months slow. I’m a working professional with an unpredictable schedule, and I have a chronic illness that can affect my energy and pain levels on a whim. I don’t necessarily have a specific method on how I reply to things, and often just go where the muse takes me. The only certainty I can give here is that I am slow. Because of this, I’m very conscious about other people’s time and energy and will rarely like starter/plotting calls unless the other writer is familiar with my circumstances.

All of that said, I love writing with new people, I love following and getting to know new muses and muns, I scroll my dash like it’s my morning paper to try and enjoy the writing and thoughts of people I haven’t had the chance to interact with. So in order to try and open up for more interactions for people who might have social anxiety, or who are just plain busy like I am, here is this very long-winded spiel.

ASK MEMES - I love memes a lot. I find they’re one of the easiest ways to get the ball rolling on things, and I’m 149% okay with you taking a meme response and turning it into a thread/plot. Do it for one of them, do it for all of them. I don’t care. I love memes because they (generally) throw you right into the middle of the action so feel free to just run with things. Improv! Yay! Literally, you can send me a meme any time, dig back into my tag to find more, slap me in the face with them. You don’t have to wait for me to reblog them. The same mentality applies, in that I am slow to respond to them, but this is often helpful to me to know who wants to engage.

VERSES / PLOTS - My verses page is purposely built to provide a brief background of said verse (or canon if you’re unfamiliar), along with potential plot ideas that could fit in each one. It tells you what fandoms I’m familiar or unfamiliar with, and it is a perpetual work in progress. If you’re worried about not having an idea, feel free to poke through to see if any idea, or even a fraction of an idea, calls to you and we can use that as a jumping off point.

HEADCANON QUESTIONS. I have a soft spot for these because one of my favorite parts about getting into a character is figuring out their little quirks and experiences, and exploring whatever the source material didn’t show. Call me weird but sometimes I have a hard time just writing headcanon posts, but if you ask me specifics, it magically gets about ten times easier for me to write. Why am I the way I am? I’ve been asking myself this question for almost 30 years, and I still don’t know. But still, this is also a good way to get me to start waxing poetic. 

MEME CALLS - I post these periodically but mutuals are always welcome to come to me unprompted and ask me to send them some memes. With my perpetual lurker status, I often miss a lot of ask memes being reblogged, but I’m more than happy to send them. Just give me a sign.

Basically any of the above are a quick and easy way for you to let me know that you want to get the ball rolling with some interactions. Or, if preferred, you can come into my IMs / Discord and keysmash at me. I enjoy that too.

[koiandjelly]

So Fila’s actual past isn’t very detailed, because she’s not a main OC, and I haven’t spent a ton of time actually thinking about her as a character lol. 98% of my Creativity goes to my original content characters, cuz someday when I finish actually crafting my worlds, I’m gonna write a book. I’m aiming for the lofty goals of making a full, fleshed out, intricate— just fuckin’... a whole ass Multiverse system comparable to the Lore content of Tolkien’s works, or The Elder Scrolls— gah fuck y’know what, I’m changing this post from being about my Fantasy Life OC to being about my creation baby, the effort of about 6 years (I am 20 years old, and although I didn’t know it at the time I started, I was 14 when I made the shitty Fire Emblem Manakete rip-off race that I’m gonna actually now talk about, because holy fuck this ain’t gonna fit in a parenthesis “btw have some info” bubble)

A’ight so I have a hard time keeping track of time, especially in a large scale across years. Apparently it’s related to being severely depressed without medication (communication error on my part, my parents are very lovely and helped me ASAP when I spilled the beans) while also having moderate to severe ADD. So, ya know, keep in mind that I was yet another terribly depressed 8th grader when I talk about my creation’s early days. I wouldn’t experience that time of my life for any sort of payment ever. It was goddamn miserable, because when I was midway through the age of 14, not only did the aforementioned depression spring up, but I also realized I was bisexual (And I live in the infamous state of Alabama, for reference. Don’t fear for me though, I was too unnoticeable to be bullied if anyone did know, and my wonderful mother, whom I love and cherish with all of my heart, is one of the few Christians that actually... like... do what their own God tells em to. That is, Jesus. I’m an atheist and have a general discomfort about the idea of super powerful entities actually existing irl, but I do agree with the stuff I’ve heard and remember from a decade ago in Church about Jesus. Good guy. But yeah my mom not only accepted me and reassured me when I came out, but she’s gone even further and is of the opinion/fact that lgbt folks are, really, good and normal and that God created them, so she really genuinely just... loves and accepts me. There’s no “I love you despite of this” in the equation and I am so grateful. But again. I digress)

Pause after that sidetrack, to recap, all of my medical issues began to emerge about 6 months before I turned 15. Including what I hate most, the emergence of my Fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s Syndrome, and for an added kick to the flesh, an undifferentiated connective tissue disorder. Meaning, as what I understand it to be, a nameless chimaera of many symptoms in a way that the disorder either is it’s own thing, or just can’t easily be recognized as any one disorder. And I had anxiety. If I recall correctly on *that*, forgive me cuz it’s been a while since it’s been diagnosed/brought up in a significant way, I have or had either general anxiety *and* social anxiety, or just lightweight versions of both, or something, but at the time I was horribly shy and I couldn’t even talk to the teacher after class about schoolwork, even though I tried rationalizing it to hell and back that I shouldn’t be scared— as you’ll guess, shit didn’t work out til I got medicine for it, because no amount of logic and rational thought will change the fact that I was struggling because of a literal disorder, an error of the brain, and as with that walking with two shattered femurs ain’t gonna work, trying to talk when the talk machine broke... ain’t going to goddamn work.

God. I am rambling a lot. But anyway, shit fucking sucked as a teen for me, because I got that wombo combo, prepare for trouble, make it double, precision strike at my existence as a person during fucking already difficult puberty— I am rambling. It’s 4:55am as of this sentence lmao. I had a nasty cocktail of both mental illness and physical disorders pop up once puberty hit me, so I, through many events starting from loving to draw as a toddler, to play pretend stories of heartbreak, betrayal, and death as best an 8 year old could understand via playing with Polly Pockets, and all the creative power I inherited from my Dad, plus the motivation borne through a need to escape, I started making my own characters.

So, to return to the present state of my creations, which will now be referred to as Bounding Beyond the Stars, or BBtS, I’m gonna get some things out of the way. Just to clarify, yeah? I have created my worlds in a way that is specifically meant to stand apart from the irl universe as we know it. I’m certainly not a knowledgeable researcher with any level of comprehension on Spacial law and quantum physics and shit like that. So hey, if something ever seems... like, off, or wrong? Unless it’s pretty obviously wrong in the “hey you just googled how a thing works, and misunderstood it, and made a detail based on a failure to understand stuff and that’s dumb in a catastrophic way that even a high school level viewer would notice...” kind of mistake, then hey, shoot me a message. But if some sort of universal rule seems fucky in the way that it doesn’t make sense, but isn’t a catastrophic structural error... well, Imma use that sentence to start a better one. For an example of a catastrophic error, perhaps... this: “This planet has no seasons cuz of its shape and axis! And it is also like twice as big as Earth!” That would be catastrophic alone because anyone with a grasp on planetary gravity or something, may go and think “if it’s that big, gravity’s gonna be way more intense”. And you’d be right! Which is why I usually account for those things with... *Magic*.

Before I split this post for Length reasons, and I’m sorry the majority of this was me rambling about how my general experience with life sucked from ages 14-17, I’mma state something very important about all my creations.

Magic, which will be explained in depth at a later point, is a fundamental, essential, and omnipresent force of not just any one universe in my Multiversal Trio. It is a key piece of Reality itself, as magic is the flow of many multiples of millions of unique and mysterious energies, concepts, and laws existing anywhere that Is.

To end this post, I’m going to put a quick summary and explanation why I’m rambling about any of this: The rant about my age and circumstances at the start are relevant because it’s necessary context for the tone and type of writing my creations are built upon. The foundations of BBtS are borne from a sometimes angsty, sometimes genuinely upset 14 year old who found escape in the art of Creation. There have been many, many, many heavy edits, rewrites, scrapped info and ideas, and even more info built upon it. It used to be pretty pointlessly edgy in a lot of ways, and redundant in grimdark, morphing into *grimderp* plot devices and character traits. The way it’s written today, I like to think the lore of my many high fantasy-alien societies, and all its denizens and creators and whatever else, are still written to be dark, be dangerous, even angsty... but more skillfully so, with the sort of nuance a 14 year old wouldn’t really even begin to understand. Cuz I still like high stakes stories with real consequences and character deaths when appropriate. And I enjoy characters who have tragic pasts, but now that I’m older and I’ve seen and read about and done so much more— I can write that stuff *better*. And more over, what I’m most satisfied with, is that I’m more in touch with myself as a person, and I’ve evolved many of my personal beliefs and ideals and all the things of the world I can have opinions on. But most of all, I’ve reached a point where I have consumed enough content from others to where I have figured out how to write something that should be interesting, and maybe a bit new, because I put a looot of Damn focus on identifying, and understanding, writing structure, cliches, plot holes to avoid, character traits to handle differently, and just generally making something that’ll appeal to both me, and my audience, should I get that far.

[adhdbuzz]

(Quick note - I have copied this over from my main blog - this is my content...)

ADHD, Neurodivergence, Identity…

I want to start blogging about some of my experiences with mental illness and neurodivergence. Two words, that before this year, I would never of used in relation to myself.

One of the most fascinating and somewhat crippling aspects of learning you are neurodivergent, is becoming so hyperaware of your thoughts, actions, personality, wondering what’s you and what’s your diagnosis, (or what you are imagining/projecting because of your diagnosis). I likely drive my friends mad talking or joking about it, but it’s hard to articulate the complete upheaval that learning this about yourself creates. Suddenly your entire history and personhood is re-defined. You have to change your narrative. I spent most of my teenagehood and childhood feeling removed/estranged from the people and world around me. More than feeling an ‘outcast,’ I felt myself an alien. I believed (and felt that others believed), that I was incredibly lazy and did not have the drive to puruse my passions and potential. This left such a hole in my heart and self-confidence. Imagine that you have this great love for something - or many things, but can’t even motivate yourself to take one single step toward it. You lose interest in every hobby you’ve ever taken up and you don’t understand why you can’t just do the thing. It seems easy for everyone else? What am I missing? So you compensate. Suddenly (and very briefly), you are really into note-taking and study blogs and watching countless hours of videos on how to get organised and ‘change your life’ and you imagine what kind of person you could become.  Or you start every new year or semester with the goal to just stay on top of things, just remember, just write it down - everyone else does it? Why can’t you? Inevitably, that falls away.

What happens when you can’t maintain this? When suddenly those three assignments are due, you’ve dropped out of your class/hobby, you’ve missed another opportunity, avoided another goal and heard another person tell you, ‘you just need to get organised…’ ‘ you’ve got so much potential, you just need to apply yourself!’ “I don’t understand how you forgot/didn’t do the thing/didn’t write it down!”

I don’t think I can ever effectively describe the impact that this has had on me. There is something so devastating in not understanding there is something different about your brain during the really sensitive, formative years of your life. Because you end up spending so much time trying to work out why you are not like everyone else, why you struggle with things that most people find easy, why it is a constant battle to stay afloat, to have people angry with you/criticising you for something that you both feel should be in your control, but neurologically isn’t.  

ADHD is so severly misunderstood. It’s invisible and it is crippling. The image of the little boy in class who can’t sit still or stop talking is such a prevalent and damaging stereotype. Before I got my diagnosis and before I even had looked into ADHD, I spent hours researching what could be wrong with me and doing online ‘tests’. These ranged from anxiety, to depression, Bipolar, PMDD and Personality Disorders, (strangely enough, ADHD often exists alongside other mental illnesses and I was diagnosed with co-morbidities…) But I think this gives a degree of context to what undiagnosed ADHD feels like, because it’s not someone who wont shut up, or sit still. To me it feels like everyone else got a manual on how to be a person and I didn’t. Often times, it’s the depressed, anxious, struggling teenager or young adult, who feels so inadequate, who feels like an alien, who can’t even trust their own passions or interests. Who is in a constant battle to meet the expectations of themselves and those around them. Who’s socially awkward or uncomfortable, who’s disocciated, who can’t follow a conversation, or instructions, who suffers in loud spaces, who struggles with small talk, strangers, shopping centres, keeping themselves and their space clean, uni work, school work, chores, family, friendships, relationships, their identity, their passions, there interests, their personality, regualating their emotions

ADHD is so exhausting, because it’s a constant battle to just meet the base line. Every thing you do from the moment you get up, til the moment you are asleep (and even then) is impacted by it.

Say you have an assignment, and a couple of chores to do on one day. Not a big deal right? Ok so you set an alarm for 8am, except your brain didn’t turn off until 4am the night before, so you get up at mid day, you go to put the washing in, but you forgot to turn on yesterdays load, so you do that first, you go to make a morning coffee, you check the time, it’s 12.30 - where did half an hour go? I just got up?! (Time-blindness). You make your coffee and drink it while checking social media, which sucks you in, because your dopamine depleted brain craves stimuli! You check the time, its 1pm, you tell yourself you’ll scroll for ten more minutes, and that ten minute excuse repeats a few times. It’s 1.30 and now your angry, because why didn’t you have the self control! (Hint: you have a disordered executive function). You put your mug on the sink, promising you’ll come back to it later. You go back to the laundry, you realise you forgot to turn the dryer on. You go to do your assignment, you clear your desk, open laptop, but now you don’t know where to start - you can’t naturally prioritise tasks, or break down the individual steps that need to be done in order to complete an assignment, you must do this with the ‘skills’ you have actively had to learn from a coach, internet etc. It’s like trying to bake a cake with no measuring cups, or recipe! So now you are looking at the assessment outline, and what you’ve worked on already, and trying to close last nights 200 tabs of hyperfixation. You read the outline 5 times without actually reading it, on the 6th you try really hard, you’re fidgeting in your chair, it’s an almost physical pain having to sit there and read it. Your eyes feel glazy, there’s too many words and they look like a big smudge on the page. You quickly check messages (dopamine hit), you come back to the outline. Its been half an hour, you still haven’t started. It’s about 2pm, you havent had lunch or breakfast. You go make a tea and come back. Maybe you need backround music? You spend another 20 minutes finding the right playlist, except its not right because it’s either too stimulating or not stimulating enough. You find another playlist, or you go down the rabbit whole of some movie soundtrack you’ve been meaning to look at. It’s 2.45. The washing! You go back and finally get yesterdays load in the dryer and start the load you meant to do today. Might as well make another tea now that I’m up. Might as well check Facebook now I’ve been interrupted. I’ll start at 3.30. 3.30 rolls around, your sibling gets home from school. Noise, talking, lunchbox rattling, bags being unpacked. Distraction. The noise is painful, your executive function (the impaired part of the ADHD brain) is also responsible for emotional regulation. Suddenly you are so fiercly angry at the noise being made in the rest of the house. It’s so over stimulating it feels like sandpaper on your brain and ears, you feel sick to your stomach with rage, you are crying, sobbing. All because people in the other room are talking. You lay on your bed trying to calm the overwhelm and increasing stress at not having done your assignment. It’s 4pm. Mum asks why you left your mug out, or didn’t do the dishes (you were too busy thinking about doing the washing!) She notes the machine still going and tells you that you wont have time to put it in the dryer tonight, you’ll have to do it tomorrow. But you need those clothes for tomorrow, you’re having breakfast with a friend. You’ll have to reschedule. You message your friend, and repeat the standard script “god I am so sorry, I’m such a mess, can we do later in the morning? I’ve got to do chores…” they can’t reschedule, you cancel. You sit back down with the assignment. You fidget. It feels like a physical pain to have to sit there and force yourself to do it. You’ll do it tomorrow. You pack up, and get ready for bed, removing the pile on your bed back to your desk. Your sheets are unmade, it’s uncomfortable and you feel agitated. You’ve forgotten to brush your teeth, or clean your face. You scroll online, or hyperfocus on a new hobby, project, idea, that wont interest you tomorrow, until 3am. You set your alarm for 8am…

This is just one small example and snapshot of ADHD and the impact of Executive Dysfunction. Here are a couple of examples/descriptions of how it feels from the ADHD subreddit.

“Schrodinger’s ADHD: Everything is interesting and boring at the same time. Every subject, every hobby.”

‘The Two ADHD Moods: I can’t do it / I can’t stop doing it. The two types of ADHD time: Now  /  Not Now The two ADHD memory modes: I literally can not recall the words that just                                                         came out of my mouth  /                                                                                       I can recite the opening paragraph of                                                                 every single magic tree house book.’

I also want to talk Neurodivergence, as this is another misconception when it comes to ADHD. In the way that Autism, Tourettes, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia are all forms of neurodivergence, so is ADHD. ADHD is not a behavoural issue, but a neurobiological developmental disorder. ADHD also has many overlapping traits with Autism, (not to be confused as the same, ADHD is not on the spectrum). These include, sensory overwhelm/sensitivity, memory issues, hyperfocus/hyperfixation, interrupting conversation/trouble waiting in turn, issues reading/recognising social cues, stimming, perseveration, (getting ‘stuck’ on or repeating a thought, topic or idea, even if the conversation has moved on), and avoidance/trouble with eye contact.

To be clear, ADHD is not on the spectrum, a distinguishing feature between these neurotypes is the cause of the symptom. For example someone with ADHD may not recognise social cues due to inattention/overwhelm/impulsivity, where as someone with autism may struggle to interpret these social cues.

It is important for ADHD to be recognised as a neurotype, and not a behavoural issue.  When discussing ADHD traits with a neurotypical person, the response is often along the lines of ‘well everyone is a little distracted/unmotivated/lazy/forgetful/late sometimes.’ My response to that  ‘Would you say that everyone is a bit ‘socially awkward/shy’ sometimes to an autistic person? Or ‘everyone has trouble reading sometimes’ to a dyslexic person?’ I imagine the answer would be no, as it is understood that these traits are a consistent, uncontrollable and debilitating.

The more I have learnt and read about ADHD in the context of neurodivergence, the more I have tried to recognise the ways I hide or detract from my symptoms, by ‘masking’. This has included, taking on certain personas or feeding someone elses assumption about me as ‘the messy one,’ ‘the disorganised one,’ ‘the chaotic one.’ In the past I have almost embraced these stereotypes about myself, as it gave me a sense of identity, a framework with which to see and understand myself. Frustration and anger masked over-stimulation/overwhelm, I was not able to recognise the root of these feelings and I also learnt to fidget/stim in the ‘right’ way. When engaging in small talk with someone I am unfamiliar with, I often resort to mimicing or imitating how I have seen other people interact, speak etc and I am conscious of eye contact, (too much, too little?). I catch myself looking at people/staring too much and am constantly trying to gauge what the right amount is, where else to look, etc. I struggle a lot with taking turns in convesation, as I don’t always know where to interject, or I worry I will forget the thought, this has led me to just stay silent instead in conversations and present myself as serious, or elusive.

That’s really all I have to say for today. I think overall ADHD is far more complex and challenging than it is perceived to be, and these stereotypes are so harmful to people who have it and are trying to navigate not only their symptoms, but a world that is not understanding nor knowledgeable of the limitations and struggles of ADHD or neurodivergence.

I have a lot more to say on all this and will try and write more about this going forward. DM/comment etc if you have any thoughts or criticism of anything I have said. Disclaimer, I am still learning and may make mistakes regarding information, or discussing other neurotypes !

Here are some links you might want to check out if you have/think you have ADHD or you have a friend or family member with ADHD. I also highly, highly recommend the ADHD subreddit!

ADHD explained simply:

https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-adhd-symptoms-causes-treatments/

“ADHD is a developmental impairment of the brain’s executive functions. People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization.

“’Attention deficit’ is, some experts assert, a misleading name. “Attention deregulation” might be a more accurate description since most people with ADHD have more than enough attention — they just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency.”

Comorbidities https://adhd-institute.com/burden-of-adhd/epidemiology/comorbidities/ “The majority of adults with ADHD have a diagnosed or undiagnosed comorbid psychiatric disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment of ADHD.1-3“ ADHD and Autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/decoding-overlap-autism-adhd/ “A growing number of genetic studies support the notion of at least some shared causation between autism and ADHD. But imaging studies comparing brain structures and connectivity have yielded a confusing mix of similarities and differences. And some behavioral research has highlighted the possibility that outwardly similar features mask distinct underlying mechanisms. Inattention in a person with autism, for example, might result from sensory overload, and apparent social problems in someone with ADHD may reflect impulsivity. Perseveration https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/self-control/perseveration-adhd-and-learning-differences

“(Kids) who perseverate often say the same thing or behave in the same way over and over again. And they do it past the point where it makes sense or will change anything. It’s like they’re stuck in a loop that they can’t get out of.”

ADHD and social skills https://chadd.org/for-adults/relationships-social-skills/#:~:text=Social%20Skills%20in%20Adults%20with,their%20inattention%2C%20impulsivity%20and%20hyperactivity.

“Social skills are generally acquired through incidental learning: watching people, copying the behavior of others, practicing, and getting feedback. Most people start this process during early childhood. Social skills are practiced and honed by “playing grown-up” and through other childhood activities. The finer points of social interactions are sharpened by observation and peer feedback.

Children with ADHD often miss these details. They may pick up bits and pieces of what is appropriate but lack an overall view of social expectations. Unfortunately, as adults, they often realize “something” is missing but are never quite sure what that “something” may be.”

ADHD and stimming https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adhd/repetitive-behaviors-in-children-with-adhd-stimming-fidgeting-and-what-these-actions-may-mean/

“Many believe that stimming and fidgeting is reserved for those on the autism spectrum. However, it is now known that children with ADHD are just as likely to use repetitive body movements to self-stimulate. In fact, autistic stimming and non-autistic stimming are different. The main difference is that those with ADHD typically only use stimming for a short period of time while they are trying to concentrate. For example, someone with ADHD may stim for under an hour while those with autism will stim for several hours at a time. While stimming and fidgeting are typically seen as tapping or rocking, there are many other things that children with ADHD do to self-stimulate. There are actually five different variations of stimming, which include olfactory, vestibular, visual, tactile, and auditory.”

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Do you ever feel so lonely and isolated even though the rational part of your brain tells you you have friends and are loved? I have been feeling so isolated and anxious about being a home body lately, even though I believe my true preference is to not spend so much time out. This only fuels my ed because (tw) it makes me feel like no one loves me and I might as well restrict because at least then I have something in my life that is consistent. I know my ed has isolated me a bit, but I PT.1

PT.2 Can't help but feel so anxious when I'm home on a Friday night instead of out. I feel like I have an obligation as a young person to be out enjoying myself but I just don't necessarily want to. I come from a very social family so i feel pressure to be as social as my sisters. Do you ever struggle with not feeling like you should be "out there" and "social" all the time?? If so how do you cope with it? Sorry for the rambling, you just give the best advice and I love your blog!! Thanks :)

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Hey anon, firstly please don’t apologise, I am glad you felt able to message me. Please just remember that I am not a professional, however I will try my best to offer whatever advice I can :)

*hugs tightly* Social anxiety is something I struggle with quite a lot myself and I know that I am not alone in this either, there are a lot of people (including those who suffer from EDs and those you don’t) that feel very similar. I think part of the reason I have been feeling so down recently is because I feel extremely isolated and alone - I cleared out my laptop and phone and it was hard because it meant getting rid of a lot of things that I was holding onto for disordered reasons but also having to face the reality that life has been moving forwards whilst I have stayed stuck. I have lost pretty much all my *friends* since suffering from mental health problems; there are a couple who have kind of stuck around, and whom I am so grateful to have in my life, but contact is still very hit and miss. I think when you suffer from MH disorder(s) it can feel extremely lonely because the people around you cant/don’t understand what you are going through and yes we have a tendency to isolate ourselves and push people away but that is sadly part of the illness :( I feel as though the last 5 years have literally passed by without me noticing, but the truth is that people have moved on, they have gone off to University and graduated, others have been working and some have started families of their own. It is scary. The rational side of my brain knows that I still have a few friends who are there for me, but it can be hard to see when you are in a locked down disordered daze. It can be hard to reach out or try to plan something, I know for me I often find opening/reading messages extremely anxiety provoking and thus putting myself in a bit of a sticky situation because I want to be socialising however I feel so paralysed and stuck/trapped by fear that I almost put myself in that position? I know I am rambling a lot about myself but I know that I am not the only one to feel this way and hearing about someone else can sometimes be a little comforting?

I agree that there is quite a lot of pressure on ‘young people’ to be out and drinking/socialising at night, but the truth is that you don’t have to be doing that to have a good time. Just because you come from a very ‘outwardly social’ family does not mean that you have to do the same things as they do to have a good time or be social. I personally don’t like going to clubs/drinking - I have been to a few during freshers week at York uni and it just wasn’t my thing. I prefer a night in or going to the cinema or meeting with friends and the thing is that there are many other people who are the same. Yes there are going to be those who want to go out every Friday/Saturday night to drink, however you do not have to follow that crowd, you do not have to force yourself to do things that you do not want to do. We are all individuals and we are allowed to enjoy doing different things.It sounds like you are comparing yourself to those around you and feeling that because you are not doing everything that they are doing, that you are ‘alone’ and not worth ‘recovery’ - this is so far from the truth. Perhaps it would be an idea to sit and think about the things that YOU as a person enjoy doing (ED aside), ask yourself what you would like to do at a weekend? Do you like going out to the local shopping place? going for coffee? walks? cinema? sport? creative groups? being in nature? etc etc I know that I tend to feel more alone when I don’t have anything to look forward to/in my diary with anyone, so maybe you could think about possibly planning something with a friend? I don’t know how old you are but as it is the ‘summer holidays’ perhaps it would be a good idea to look into any activities/things that are going on around where you live? Recently I was suggested to try and plan in at least a few things to push my comfort zones and although I haven’t been doing much on that front recently it did really help. The first time I drove myself for coffee, something I enjoy doing and had a snack out without anyone there and it was nice. The next I planned to meet a friend and drove there and spent a day out with them shopping/chatting and we had lunch out. I struggled to get my head around it at first as it meant spending money, however as I was reminded, it is part of ‘therapy’ and is more than worth it. We can’t expect ourselves to be magically ‘okay’ if we are not pushing the comfort zones that we have stayed trapped in for so long. Things you could look into are getting a train somewhere different/visiting a new city or a place you have wanted to for a while, going to a free museum/art gallery/library/land-mark, these things could be alone or they could be with friends/family. I know it feels quite daunting to think about, but the more you practice doing these types of things, and pushing that comfort zone, the ‘easier’ it does become. For example last weekend I drove my mum and I to a city we rarely go to and a way that I have never driven before - this would have caused me so much anxiety not very long ago but I actually really enjoyed it as I love driving and it was nice to do something ‘different’ and I know that this has only be possible by learning to navigate and push my comfort zones through breaking out of routines. There are many ways you can meet new people, and I know it depends on where you live/where you are in life (school/college/uni/work etc) but there will always be SOMETHING. Maybe this afternoon have a little google to see if there is anything you could try out near you or if there is something you have seen advertised that you would like to go to. It is going to take time but I promise you that you are not alone in this. Just because you may ‘feel’ alone and different because you prefer socialising in a different way to your family, that does not mean that you are ‘alone’ - so far from it. You are growing up and learning who YOU are as a person and that can be incredibly scary but also very exciting. It is okay to try new things out or go to a group/activity and give it a go, actually it is really important to give these things a go. One thing that does jump to mind is volunteering - this could be a really good way to meet people, have you considered it? You can volunteer in a number of different areas, whether it be in a charity shop or with an animal charity or care home. I used to volunteer a lot when I was younger and I really enjoyed it and met some lovely people through it :) 

I am sorry I am rambled on forever, I hope this at least helps you to feel a little less alone. I know things are tough right now but you are NOT alone - remember feelings are NOT facts and they will pass - this is not how things will always be. You are going to come out of this and you are going to continue to grow into the person you are that has sadly been trapped by ED for so long. Don’t let it convince you that you are not going to get better/that there is no point fighting - there are SO many reasons to keep fighting and not give in. ED lies, and it will continue to lie and try to trick you because it does not want you to have a life beyond it. “I am not going to tell you that it is going to be easy, I am telling you that it is going to be worth it”.  Sending love and wishing you well my dear, I hope this helps a little xx

[subjectsilver]

5:05 AM on July 23rd

i absoTonight someone got stabbed over a god damn jul pod. 

but lets back up

I have been at school for a week.

I needed to get out of columbus... just like old times there was just nothing left for me there i was just killing myself because of how summer went and how i am and shit whatever. it'll be nice to temporarily go back in the winter and spring and even next summer and i can't wait until then but for now i need to not be there. I need school i need distractions i need people - i need people who are my friends but I'm not too close with - distractions are all i need right now so i don't hurt myself.  

I came back to Wake and literally the first day i was here i heard                       1-800-273-8255 - Logic 3 times by three separate people. Thats a fucking sign if i know it...ive never really heard that song until like that day and now i listen to it every single day...

Everyday i wake up and have running or lifting and i do that in the morning then i just sit and do nothing until playing pick up soccer at night which is kinda shitty bc fuck boredom and fuck routine but its a distraction none the less so its alright with me...

Im destroying my bank account because i have no meal plan so i eat out everyday which is like 10$ a meal cus life is expensive... but at least I'm eating i mean I'm still underweight sitting around 140lbs but I'm not getting any lighter. Tbh i was kind of getting comfortable being skinny because i love the way my baggy t shirts that are too big for me, fall on me when I'm underweight but i know inside i need to get my weight up to be healthy and like sane. but ill get there..i hope - eating as much as i can in hopes to gain weight anyway.

I knew i was forgetting something when i left -  well i forgot a lot but least of all i forgot my contact case so i was sleeping in my contacts for like 5 straight days and that shit killed my eyes but i finally got a case so last night was the first time i slept without them and if i sleep tonight it'll feel good as well.

I'm trying to think about what happened this week but nothing really happens during summer school it kinda sucks. I met all the freshman guys and girls and they all seem pretty cool I've been chilling outside with them  every night when were done with pick up and shit because i have nothing better to do and i like hearing conversation hearing them all talk and reading all of them. Half of them think I'm crazy because i only sleep like 4 hours a night and because my teammates tell them the stories that are my snapchat stories this summer. It is what it is ya know.

SIDENOTE andre keels is currently telling me about how he went on a date with this girl and he's low-key geeking out and its pretty funny, I'm happy for him he deserves the high that follows being low - i hope i get that eventually.

I had a really low night a couple nights ago where i just sat outside listened to jcole and smoked cigarettes by myself but i got thru it.. it just seems like when I'm doing absolutely nothing my mind takes over and i think about all the things that bother me with life or just life itself. its kinda shitty because it seems like when I'm not distracted its like a struggle to keep living like i don't understand the point of living or being alive or life in general so it confuses me why I'm here but i try not to think about it.

I thought i was a going to quit cigarettes but i literally need them not because I'm addicted but bc its something to do when I'm alone at night by myself... and i should prob get a jul pod or some shit but its so expensive and niggas are getting stabbed over it now and I'm just not about that lmao ........ I'm dying on my own terms if anything.

im not on social media really anymore. i check it every once in a while but very rarely except like writing weekly shit like i am rn or on snapchat. i guess like 5 albums came out or something and i had absolutely no idea. it's alright tho other people fill me in eventually I'm currently listening to tyler the creators new album. Its a lot better than i expected tbh.

 “5 car garage....full tank of gass but that don't mean nothing nothing nothing without u in the passenger”

took a little break to smoke a cig - I'm kinda nice at it now and hitting juuls tbh despite my efforts and much coughing in the past I'm finally getting nice. with my luck ill probably get cancer or some shit but thats alright i guess  (kanye hands)   

anyways down to business aka the most excitement of this week SOMEONE GOT STABBED OVER A FUCKING JUUL POD 

thats fucking lit and crazy and so disappointing of humanity but at the same time the greatest thing thats ever happened ever...

actually 2 people got stabbed but one kid got sliced in the finger so like that doesn't even count but the email i got said 2 people stabbed soon i mean i don't make the rules. I was chilling right i played like 2 games of pong and won both (ayeeeee) then i walked into this house and was staring out of a window i actually took a pic but this fight broke out and i turned around and everyone started leaving under the assumption cops would come... so i walked outside and i was trying to account for everyone that was there because DAD FOLDS came out and i was counting everyone and i thought i had it correct but this kid was like where is abby i think she's dead inside like passed out drunk soon despite hearing sirens i ran back inside and checked the house to find that she was not there which was good so i ran outside and started running with this kid named Sam.. so me and sammy for running through yards and bushes and shit but my shoe got caught in a bush (fuck me right) “sam go on without me live on  bruv” so sam started running away... i finally got unstuck and i saw like 3 cops chasing sam so i ran the other direction around this building and on the other side i saw 4 cop cars so immediately i dipped into these bushes where i hit my face on a brick wall and copped a gnarly scratch that will not scar which is disappointing... (incase u were wondering go had a black t shirt on and not the usual white so my shit was not stained or anything thank god) so i was laying there for a good 10 seconds and i got on snapchat and scrolled thru the stories for a brief moment when i heard “sir we saw you jump in the bushes please come out” i was like fuckkkk mee so i got out with my hands up cus a nigga not trynna end up like trayvon   and i backed up slowly and got handcuffed and then they patted me down found my wallet, luckily found my real ID and then put me in the car... i wait there for a little and scrolled thru snapchat behind my back and then they pulled me out and questioned me. I just claimed ignorance bc i actually didn't really know shit at all... my only lie was that i didn't know the only guy i was running with. Then they just let me go. They asked me why i was running if i didn't do anything and i was like “i wasn't trynna get stabbed and also cops these days shoot black people so i wasn't trying to be shot either” and at some point this cop was like do you have an accent where are u from and i was like uhhhh ohio? but they let me go and i walked back to campus and i saw all these freshman outside and i was like ooo go to bed y'all and we all went to bed.... then i laid there for like 2 hours before going back outside...talked to some people for a while who were out there and then skrrttted off to smoke and music and write..

present time  - its 5:48 AM and someone got stabbed over a juulie like 6 hours ago thats wild....................

tomorrow or today technically I'm going to play beer die (a drinking game) [google that shit] at like 3 and then go to a team cook out and chill. should be alright.

this tyler the creator album is actually kinda nice - i actually did find some nice songs on soundcloud tho today i found a really nice piano piece that kinda calms me down in the beginning then slowly gives me anxiety... I've had a lot of anxiety lately

it seems like I'm feeling so much shit now as opposed to being numb and feeling just so dead and all the feeling at once just scares the shit out of me or makes me heart want to explode but its kinda nice to feel shit sometimes... i still have moments days where i feel absolutely nothing but it is what it is...it can't all get better at one time... I've just noticed tho that like everything use to seem weird to me like literally “this is so weird” always went thru my mind but now EVERYTHING is so scary to me like even if I'm not paying attention and someone speaks to me and the sound catches me off guard it makes me jump. its weird - haha

its getting light outside i know i need to sleep because I'm trying to get 8 hours a night even tho it doesn't always happen but I'm trying. last night i laid awake for 2 hours thinking about magic tricks. card tricks that i will eventually try on people...i created my own card tricks in my head... i have zero decks of cards rn tho which is so rare for me never really happens.

anyways - another update will come next sunday and hopefully by then i get stabbed over a juul pod by then.  

6:00 AM   I FUCKING HATE BUTTERFLIES.

i love you good morning.

[930club]

9:30 INTERVIEW: PHOX

The announcement of a (potential) final tour is always bittersweet, especially when it comes from a band as magical as PHOX. With just one full-length album out, PHOX has won the hearts of musical tastemakers across the globe, including musician and producer Bon Iver, NPR’s Bob Boilen, and the curators of Newport Folk Festival. As the band prepares to grace the 9:30 stage for what may be the last time, Monica Martin, the lead vocalist and songwriter, was kind enough to answer a few questions about future plans, combating stage-fright, and social justice.

Helen Hennessey [9:30 Club]: In your “farewell for now” Facebook post, you mention wanting to get out of Baraboo, but I also get the sense that you all have a massive amount of hometown pride. How would you describe your relationship with the city? 

Monica Martin [PHOX]: First things first, the name Helen Hennessey is so f**king slick. Good on your parents.

Yeah! So our break isn’t really due to that, as we’ve been living in different spots for a while now, but to answer the latter half of the question: for some members of PHOX, Baraboo is nostalgic and their families are there! For others, the rural midwest’s more narrow-minded undercurrent can be suffocating. So it's bittersweet.

Matteo, you and Zach did the music for The Dam Keeper, a short Pixar film. How was that experience? Is it a field any of you want to explore more during your indefinite hiatus?

Matteo Roberts [PHOX]: Working on The Dam Keeper was a total creative dream. Not unlike our experience with PHOX, the whole project kind of landed in our somewhat unproven and inexperienced laps basically because we had amazing and daring friends that really liked what they heard and wanted to see what was possible. What began as a humble little personal project grew into a project requiring a studio, dozens of animators, and editors. Our little Garageband score ended up at Fantasy Studios, recorded with the Magik Magik Orchestra. It was an incredible experience peering into the animation world and the Pixar folks, who were very inspiring and genuine. We were very lucky to work with such young, aspiring professionals who set an awfully high bar for that crazy balance of productivity, objectivity, and kindness in a collaboration. 

The directors of that film actually left Pixar immediately after The Dam Keeper, and now have their own indie animation studio, Tonko House. In fact, immediately after this tour, Zach and I are going into production with Tonko House on a special Hulu Japan tv series loosely based on The Dam Keeper. So, not only would I give anything to score film again, it somehow is already happening again!

Besides the musical projects most of you are working on during the hiatus, are there any non-musical plans you want to share?

Monica: Matteo and his partner Adrianna bought a house outside of Chicago, and there are tentative plans to build a studio together! I think Davey is still flexing on his producing chops! But I suppose those both are still in the world of music. Ha! It seems clear there will be an element of music in everything we’re doing respectively moving forward. OH! I am hoping Matt puts out a graphic novel, his first outline is due on Valentine's Day. 

Justin Vernon (aka Bon Iver) produced your premier, self-titled album. How did you guys connect? What was it like working with him?

Monica: Actually, Sweet Brian Fredrick Joseph who worked within April Base studios produced our record. It was so nice to have a voice outside of the band to help us with melodic and sonic decision making. When I was in the vocal booth I realized I should also pay him a fee for being my therapist, I unpacked so much about the songs while we recorded. It was very meaningful bond made for all of us.

The PHOX social media pages feature many calls to political action. Do you feel a sense of responsibility, being in a popular band, to spread those messages?

Monica: Yeah, I have no interest in lying to people about what I think is important regarding the social and political climate of the US. I wish I could float through days without thinking about it, but many times daily it’s made clear to me that there’s imbalance, fantasy hierarchy, and the complete disregard of the realities of the “other.” If I was born into the majority, I’d maybe peacefully and in ignorance be able to focus on gardening or something, but I happen to be at the intersection of several different minorities so I can’t currently live unscathed by America. I can only speak up and share my perspective and hope I encourage more people to consider life outside their own, and participate in dialogue that will at least get folks to shake up the rosily-skewed version of the US that’s been taught to them, that rids them of the capacity to take seriously the voice of someone outside their identity.  

I had a friend in the music industry tell me recently they don’t want to talk about political things on social media, because it might affect who cares about her music. This really hurt to hear, while at the same time I understand that people choose to do what best protects their livelihood. On the other hand, I don’t give a f**k if I fail to pander to homophobes or bigots any longer, and have a hard time respecting that logic… I mean, then are they really your fans? I have no interest in appealing to everyone and becoming no one, and I do believe it's the responsibility of artists, within their abilities without draining all emotional spirit, to find ways to open hearts of people who just haven’t had a different, more socially open, train of thought exposed to them. 

The last time you played 9:30, part of the show was dedicated to more intimate, stripped-down versions of some of your songs. Do you plan on doing that again at your upcoming Club show? What made you want to do that in the first place?

Monica: I do think we are! It was a cool feeling to play songs in bigger clubs like we did when they were being written with acoustic instruments in the house we all shared. It just gives another facet to the show -- I’ve always loved hearing stripped down versions at shows! 

Monica, you’ve mentioned having stage fright at a few of your shows. What have you done to get passed that, and do you have any advice for others dealing with that same fear?

Monica: I’m still struggling with severe anxiety, but with the help of a doctor and therapist, I’ve finally found myself on a more focused track to finding a sustainable way to soothe my spirit. PHOX’s 2 1/2 year run of near constant touring started with us hopping on a plane to Norway on the day of my dad’s funeral. I spent the entirety of that tour not processing that, which in ways I am only now better understanding put me on edge, had me self medicating/ drinking more to feel less, and amplified all of my depression.

My advice for people who have general stage fright is to remember that you could literally sh*t yourself on stage and you’d still wake up the next morning. And people would forget shortly thereafter. And life would go on. I can sometimes talk myself out of very dreadful thoughts by imagining myself sh*tting myself, and how little it would matter in the long run. And I laugh and carry on — unless I’m being dragged into the panic void, and that leads me to advice for people with horrible racing thoughts, heart palpitations, and tunnel vision panic attacks: if you can afford it, or have insurance, see someone. Find a support group, if not in your town, find them online. Do everything you can to calm your atmosphere. Drink holy basil tea, drink kava root tea. Breathe deep and give yourself all the space you need. This was really hard for me for layered reasons I won't get into here, try and shelf your cynicism and do yoga. I know. I know. And if you still feel sh*tty, and natural approaches don't aid you, really try and process how you feel about potentially going on medication, outside of the stigmas you've been taught about mental illness. Talk to someone. You can feel better. xoxo.

You all knew each other for a long time before forming PHOX. Do you think your familiarity made it harder or easier to work together?

Monica: We had varying levels of closeness when we all moved into that house five years ago, so I think it was more-so the fact that we all had a "hands on deck" attitude, and from that bred great synergy. 

During your time so far as a band, you guys have done things like play Newport Folk Festival, have a Tiny Desk Concert, and open for some pretty high-profile acts. What was it like getting those calls? Is there a specific moment that stands out to you?  

Monica: Every time you get asked to participate in such things, I think there’s always a minute where you short-circuit when the news hits your ear, and then you jump for joy, then the fear creeps in, then you undulate between the joy and the fear, and then it smoothes out to a nice even-keeled bliss. HA! At least for me. I feel like Tiny Desk Concert was huge heartswell for us, iTunes Festival, Conan, traveling overseas 5+ times, I mean, everything! I would have never thought. It all feels so important, forgive the cliche, but the fact that anyone was moved by something we made together is an incredible thing. 

-Helen Hennessey 

Send PHOX off at 9:30 Club on January 25.

[limejuicer1862]

Wombwell Rainbow Interview

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger.

The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

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Sascha Aurora Akhtar

feels deeply connected to her ancestral roots in Lancashire, South Yorkshire and Pakistan. Born into a literary family, with writers of both fiction and poetry represented, Sascha has been naturally drawn towards many kinds of writing. Her first poetry collection was The Grimoire of Grimalkin (Salt, 2007), followed by 199 Japanese Names for Japanese Trees (Shearsman, 2016), the first of it’s kind a deck of Poetry cards with fine art Only Dying Sparkles (ZimZalla 2018), The Whimsy Of Dank Ju-Ju (Emma Press 2019) & #LoveLikeBlood (Knives, Spoons & Forks 2019).

Her fiction has appeared in BlazeVox, Tears In The Fence, The Learned Pig, Anti-Heroin Chic, and Storgy. Sascha has performed internationally at festivals such as the Poetry International Festival in Rotterdam, Avantgarde Festival in Hamburg, and Southbank Centre’s Meltdown festival in London, curated by Yoko Ono.

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write poetry?

I realize now, looking back that poetry was all around me in my home growing up. Books, people reciting it in conversation, writing it & I put pen to paper from age 7 onwards. The poetry itself though, I know see was a natural extension of myself & always came from a place of sorrow, anxiety, ill-treatment, depression, PMDD, so it was a source of great healing. Also, I have always read fiction voraciously. Fiction inspires my poetry, still. Later, I was greatly inspired by great lyricists & music, that remains true.

2. Who introduced you to poetry?

My family. I would say the very first poem I was exposed to was The Walrus & The Carpenter which every member of my family could recite from memory.

3. How aware were you of the dominating presence of older poets?

I wasn’t. I’m still not. I find no presence dominating. I believe all writers need to honour those who have paved the way for us. In this regard, I have huge reverence for many such as Sonia Sanchez, Geraldine Monk, Bernadette Mayer & many, many others.

4. What is your daily writing routine?

This involves many things in a non-linear sequence; writing in one of my many notebooks as a poem arrives. Completing or beginning new things on the computer. For example this week I wrote three short stories – I had no idea that would happen, but it needed to.

5. What motivates you to write?

My thoughts, sudden flashes, other writings of any kind, paintings, a piece of dialogue from a film, the response of others to my work & the fact that I cannot stop writing.

6. What is your work ethic?

If there’s writing to be done, I will do it, no matter what. I am a solo parent & that has given me a gift; the realization that time is very, very precious & it IS possible to write what you need if you focus – no matter how long you have. It could be 10 minutes. I don’t have the luxury of days yawning ahead of me with uninterrupted writing time, or retreats I can imagine myself going to. The work just has to be done. And that’s all there is to it.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

In my own personal experience, everything I loved when I was little or was loved by those closest to me ( my grandfather, mother, grandmother) has shaped me in ways I can’t even explain. As I mentioned, Alice In Wonderland was, is and will always be a huge influence on me. My mother had a copy for me before I was born and kept it for years. She gave it to me when I was 7 or 8.

8. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

I’ll be honest, I am a voracious reader, and I feel by naming writers I will leave out others. Especially since, I fall deeply in love with sequences of words in moments.

Out of the more recent fiction I’ve read I will say Jessie Burton is great. Susanna Clarke is sort of my literary hero. I adore David Mitchell, it must be said & am enamoured of the work of Lev Grossman and Deborah Harkness.

In poetry if you want to talk of poets I admire because of the power of their words & also what they have managed to achieve I would say Anthony Joseph is my biggest inspiration & also friend. I feel a kinship with poet Frances Kruk. Marianne Morris. Nia Davies. Emily Critchley. I admire Geraldine Monk. Kimberley Campanello, Rhys Trimble, Mamta Sagar, K. Satchidanandan. Many, many American poets some whom I’m not even sure are publishing anymore!  I mean here’s a strange thing. There was a poet named Andy Morgan in my M.F.A programme in the U.S. And there was one, just one poem he wrote that I couldn’t fully explain why I loved, but I asked him if I could keep a copy. That same poem has stayed with me for 15 years! I have days when one line from that one poem just plays in my head. He is a complete introvert. It is almost impossible to find his work. He has a lyrical quality that is powerful & quiet.

9. Why do you write, as opposed to doing anything else?

Because I have always done it. I have always come back to it, even when I was a young filmmaker & art photographer. Because it nourishes me. It heals me & above all, it is my way to connect with the world in a way I cannot because of my own psychospiritual make-up – sensory issues, social anxiety, general anxiety.

10. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

You can write, fill notebooks, diaries, pages & pages. Show others. Go to readings. Read everything & when you can answer that question yourself – you will ‘be’ a ‘writer’.

11. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

My fourth collection of poetry is a 36 page pamphlet:  The Whimsy Of Dank Ju-Ju (https://theemmapress.com/shop/the-whimsy-of-dank-ju-ju/) was published in September 2019 by Emma Press (Birmingham). The title refers to my life-long interest in anything and everything to do with magic, ideas of magic, magical thinking et al. I taught a workshop about the relationship between poetry and magic at the Poetry School and will be teaching a 2 day one in the Summer of 2020. I believe poetry is a magical practice, and as poets embracing whimsy is the key.

My fifth collection is 76 pages I believe and literally, just was announced yesterday.  It is called #LoveLikeBlood (https://www.knivesforksandspoonspress.co.uk/product-page/love-like-blood-by-sascha-a-akhtar) and has been published by Knives, Forks And Spoons Press.  It incorporates language that I feel has emerged as we have developed digital consciousnesses through Social Media. It embraces rupture, fracture. It has anger in it & truth-telling. It has many references to songs, often with epigraphs from the songs as taking off points. The cover image is from my art photography portfolio when I shot exclusively on slide film, often cross-processing the film to get very particular tones & colours. The book is like that too. It has a specific tone.

Other writing projects include one more poetry collection forthcoming this year. ( I know it is ridiculous). A book of translations forthcoming in April 2020 on Oxford University Press, India. Two short story collections, and two novels. The fiction pipeline is longer term!

Thanks so much for this!

Wombwell Rainbow Interview: Sascha Aurora Akhtar Wombwell Rainbow Interview I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

[sarahburness]

What Your “Negative” Emotions Are Trying to Tell You

“Life will only change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are to your comfort zone.” ~Billy Cox

It might sound like a senseless paradox to say that the “bad” or “dark” things about you are actually your “light” or “positive” qualities. However, this isn’t just a feel-good platitude; it’s literally true. The things we struggle with the most are our greatest sources of empowerment.

Because this process is not exactly front and center of modern mental health and wellness movements, committing to your own healing can seem daunting and hopeless. Few people have truly learned how to welcome their painful, suppressed emotions, listen to what they have to say, and come out the other side stronger.

But in today’s world, it’s become increasingly difficult to avoid, suppress, and force ourselves into fake states of positivity. Clearly, our “negative” emotions are bubbling to the surface where they cannot be ignored any longer.

We see anger and pain overflowing into the social and political sphere, in schools where violence occurs, and all over the news. According to ScienceDaily, “121 million people worldwide are impacted by depression, and 850,000 commit suicide every year.”

It’s no wonder so many of us get stuck in apathy, pessimism, and distractions. Life is challenging us right now, and the first necessary step is to actually acknowledge that we are in pain. This sounds incredibly simple, yet so many people choose to fight their symptoms rather than committing to understanding them.

On social media I see a lot of hashtags exemplifying our resistance to pain, like #depressionwarrior and #fightanxiety. And while it’s totally understandable to want to conquer the pain you’ve felt for so long, mental illness is not something to be battled and conquered. It doesn’t need to be fought, but rather, listened to and respected.

Just as the physical body has innate intelligence, so does the emotional system. We don’t want to wage war against the very emotions that are trying to alert us of a problem and walk us through the solution. From a basic state of resistance, no healing can occur.

In 2018, I gave up on a painful relationship, moved to a new apartment, started a new job, and finished writing my first real book. I grew up in so many ways, and processed more trauma and healed more aspects of myself than I ever thought possible. For the first time, my growth and progress were unmistakable—I didn’t need to squint to see that I had become wiser, stronger, and more capable in the real world.

But my radical transformation was not exciting or easy. It wasn’t a fight, and it sure wasn’t the kind of glamorous story of triumph that goes viral nowadays. My life circumstances pushed me into a sort of hibernation—a state where I spent most of my time reading, meditating, resting, crying, and just doing whatever I had to do.

This is the thing: True healing doesn’t look cool. It’s not a fighting and a conquering, but a softer, more intuitive process. This is why society resists it so much.

True healing requires us to be counter-cultural. It requires us to be awkward, to stay in on Friday nights, to take strange trips or buy strange things that we can’t quite explain to other people.

Healing requires vulnerability and radical allegiance to yourself.

This is why much of my healing took so long. Prior to 2018, I wasn’t ready to commit to myself no matter what. I was too impressionable and willing to change for other people.

The biggest lesson I learned is that my mental “illness” was not really illness or dysfunction at all. In truth, my emotions were messengers I had been ignoring, judging harshly, and trying to get rid of. My negative emotions were on my side, not against me.

Negative emotions are not something you need to fight or fix any more than you’d need to fight or fix your immune system as it tries to ward off an infection. This is the great misunderstanding of our time.

Many people never heal from mental illness because they mistake the symptoms for the problem. The symptoms are your obvious negative emotions, but the root problems are hidden. For example, you may be depressed because you don’t express yourself freely. On top of this, you may have a deep-seated fear that if you express yourself, you’ll be scolded.

There are often several layers of negative beliefs and fears in our subconscious (or “shadow”), but all we ever see are the symptoms (e.g. depression, anxiety, etc.). I lived much of my life trying to ‘solve’ my emotions until I learned a much more effective approach: listening to my emotions.

So how do we actually heal?

1. Listen to your mental “illness.”

This is the simplest first step you can take. Every time you feel unpleasant symptoms arise, no matter what they are, make time that day to stop and listen. You can do this through a simple meditation in which you quiet your mind and let the emotions have space to express themselves.

If it suits you better, you can also write all your current negative emotions on a page. There’s no need to worry about any emotion besides what is activated in the moment. What are you currently struggling with? Oftentimes, it will be connected to your other issues any way. Let that particular emotion speak.

2. Ask your mental “illness” questions.

Another thing I learned is how surprisingly easy it is to get answers from your subconscious mind. As soon as these emotions are given time, space, attention, and unconditional love, they waste no time revealing what you need to know.

Maybe the message is simply that you need more time in your day to rest, or that you need to leave a serious relationship. Whether big or small, the guidance you receive will help you shift your life in a way that soothes your symptoms. This is the beginning of true healing.

3. Practice gratitude for your symptoms.

This is probably the most challenging thing on the list. Your symptoms really are guiding you and alerting you to what is out of alignment in your life. However, we’ve spent so much time suppressing and denying them that they’ve caused us significant pain.

Our symptoms are like children throwing tantrums. If we don’t listen, they get louder and angrier. This is why we need to “make up” with our symptoms just as we would with a friend with whom we had a fight.

Once you literally start to notice how your symptoms are subtly guiding you toward solutions, it becomes much easier to feel grateful for them (and trust them!). This step took me a bit of practice, but over time I found that I could have gratitude for my symptoms without any effort or forcing.

4. Commit to the long haul.

At first this may seem discouraging. But when I look back, I see that most of my wasted time was spent desperately trying to rush to the “perfect” life. I wanted to magically arrive at a place where I had no emotional or physical issues, and everything looked pristine on the surface. It was during these periods that I felt the most dissatisfaction and pain.

Committing to the long haul means you have decided that no matter what, you will not abandon yourself. You will not try to skip out on true progress and growth for a quick and easy “fix.” You will not try to appear perfect from the outside.

Once you make this commitment, your healing can occur faster and with more joy and ease throughout the process.

So if you are at your wits end, pause. Stop resisting your circumstances and try a new approach. What if your emotions weren’t out to get you? What if they honestly wanted to help move you forward?

About Brianna Johnson

Brianna runs ExistBetter.co, a blog that delves into the nitty-gritty of mental health, exploring emotions, beliefs, and cultural constructs to help readers reach self-empowerment. Get The Shadow Workbook and follow on Instagram @existbetter.co.

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21 Self Care Activities You Can Do Without Leaving Bed

New blog post! Even if you're off from school for the summer or no longer driving kids from one after-school activity to another, it's easy for self care to fall to the bottom of your to-do list. That's why I'm rounding up 21 research-backed self care activities that are so easy, you can do them without even leaving the comfort of your bed.

So whether you have a chronic illness like fibromyalgia that sometimes prevents you from leaving bed or you just need easy self care ideas for your next self care Sunday, keep reading to learn about 21 research-backed ways you can add self love and self care into your daily routine!

1. Flip through some old photographs (in your phone, computer or photo album).

When I'm feeling lonely or just want to take a trip down memory lane, flipping through old photographs, cards and notes I keep in a box under my bed is my go-to self care activity. Even if you don't have your own memory box (though this could be your sign to start one now!), you can look through the photographs on your computer, phone or in your photo album. You'll be reminded of some of the amazing things you've done and the great friends and family you have. You might also get ideas of things you want to do again, like returning to a favorite coffee shop you'd forgotten about or texting a friend who's fallen out of touch.

2. Use online tutorials to learn something new.

Is there a skill that you've always wished you had but never took the time to master? Why not dedicate your self care Sunday (or even just a few hours one day a week) to learning a new skill? Thanks to the magic of the Internet, you can learn a variety of skills for free online. Plus, research shows learning new things can actually improve people's happiness and overall well-being, as well as their memory as they age.

3. Write about something that's bothering you for 10 minutes, and then throw the paper away or rip it up!

There's something comforting about being able to vent about a problem and then literally throw that problem in the trash. Putting your feelings into words has also been shown to make negative emotions feel less intense. Plus, writing about your problem could help you better understand why it's bugging you and what to do about it.

4. Challenge yourself to not use your phone for at least the first 30 minutes after you wake up.

Anyone else guilty of checking their phone and scrolling through email and Instagram as soon as you get up? I know I am. Self care can be as simple as saying "no" to technology for the first thirty minutes of your day, especially if you find that looking at work emails or social media comments as soon as you get up gives your days a stressful start.

5. Identify three of the most important goals you want to achieve that day...and they can be big or small.

As famous baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra once said, "If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else." To help ensure that you accomplish everything you want to each day, try identifying three important goals you want to achieve. These goals don't have to be big either. Sometimes, like when I'm having a fibromyalgia flare up, my biggest goals are to rest, get extra sleep and eat three square meals, and that's totally OK!

6. Read a book for at least an hour.

Besides getting to escape real life for at least an hour, reading a book also comes with a variety of other science-backed benefits, including increased empathy, reduced stress, higher rated intelligence and improved comprehension of whatever you're reading about. If you're looking for self care ideas that will definitely improve your overall health, reading a book is a solid option.

7. Groove out to music you haven't listened to in years.

If you've never had a solo dance party on your own bed, here's your invitation to try. Bonus points if you break out the old high school soundtrack you used to jam out to but haven't listened to in years. You'll be amazed at the memories old songs can bring back!

8. Meditate...or at least try to.

I'll be the first to admit that, although I know meditation would be good for me, I have a hard time actually incorporating this self care tip into my daily life. Luckily, research reports that meditating for even 20 minutes a day can be enough for you to reap big benefits like improved brain function. Meditation is also easily nowadays thanks to countless YouTube videos and apps that help guide you through. As I tell myself when I try to meditate but can't stay "focused" for longer than 10 minutes, something is better than nothing...and you'll never get better at meditating if you don't try.

9. Unplug from social media for at least a few hours...or even longer.

Social media can be an amazing thing. After all, as a blogger, I use social media almost daily and appreciate how it connects me with the rest of the gluten free community. However, social media can also be a huge time-sucker and some studies have correlated high social media usage with increased anxiety, depression and stress. If you're wondering how your social media usage is affecting you, you might want to try unplugging for a few hours (or even a few days) and seeing how you feel. Who knows. Maybe you'll discover a new social media routine (like only looking at it for a certain amount of time or on certain days) that works better for you.

10. Stretch your body!

You've probably heard about how good exercise is for your physical, mental and emotional health. However, you don't have to start doing jumping jacks in bed to get a lift in mood. In fact, experts report that stretching impacts both people's neurological and muscular health. So if you're really not feeling the gym, why not spend some time stretching in bed instead?

11. Listen to at least one podcast episode. Bonus points if it's on a topic you've been wanting to learn more about, but never find the time to.

Lately, I've been all about that podcast life, and listening to even one episode a day is a super easy form of self care. Some of my personal favorites include Oprah's SuperSoul, the Ted Radio Hour and Hidden Brain from NPR and How It is with Hello Sunshine (for a splash of feminist/girl power awesomeness), but you can find podcasts on whatever you're interested in learning more about. If you do feel like leaving bed that day, you can also listen to your podcast in the gym or on a walk. That makes it a nice break for the mind and body.

12. Call a friend you haven't talked to in awhile.

Even if you aren't feeling very social, you might surprise yourself with how much you enjoy catching up with an old friend. Like looking through photo albums, a phone call can also be a trip back in time and have you smiling over happy memories.

13. Make a list of three things that are going "right" for you that day or week. Do it that morning, that afternoon and that evening.

Speaking of podcasts, I actually got this self care idea from listening to Oprah. Compared to a gratitude journal that you only write in at night, this self care activity is a whole-day affair, but it should only take you a few minutes each time. The thinking behind it is that gratitude can offer a variety of benefits, ranging from improved physical health, increased empathy, better sleep, higher self-esteem and reduced stress. By listing three things you're grateful for three times a day, you're maintaining a grateful mindset all day.

14. Map out the next few weeks in a calendar, journal or planner, and schedule fun time and breaks during stressful periods.

Maybe it's just the Type-A control freak in me, but I feel a lot less stressed when I know what the next month of my life will hold. Even though there are definitely some things you can't plan (like my computer dying a few weeks ago...), you might feel less stressed after spending twenty minutes or so filling in your calendar. This is also a great time to schedule some "fun" breaks, like lunches with friends or a relaxing massage, when you notice an especially busy week or two.

15. Unfollow or hide social media accounts that don't give you positive energy or inspiration.

To make sure you're getting the most benefits (and least negatives) out of your social media accounts, do a spring cleaning of who you're following every couple of months or so. If someone's account is making you feel crummy more often then not (by making you feel inadequate, for instance, or by expressing ideas that you find hurtful or triggering), take a break from following them. Your mental health is more important than knowing what some influencer is up to every hour of the day.

16. Write your favorite quotes or inspiring affirmations on sticky notes that you can put in your room, on your laptop, in your car, etc.

Why not spend your time in bed doing something that will make your whole week - and your whole home - feel a lot more positive? Research has found that self-affirmations (particularly, writing about things you value, including your family, career, etc) can increase people's sense of self-worth along with providing other benefits. Personally, I like writing positive affirmations on sticky notes that I place on my computer, fridge or anything else I use regularly in my house. Regardless of how you write or where you put your positive affirmations, the important part is writing them in the first place.

17. Enjoy watching at least an hour of your favorite TV show - and don't feel guilty or like you're "wasting time."

Anyone else feel like they constantly need to be “productive” in order for their day to be a “good” one? I know I do, but that often leads to burn out. So after a hard week or even a hard day, try to set aside time for a totally guilt-and-care-free Netflix binge of your favorite show. You’ll be amazed at how refreshed and motivated you feel after giving yourself a break and escaping from reality for a little bit! 

18. Do something creative for at least thirty minutes!

The next time you're craving some mood-boosting self care, try breaking out the adult coloring books, doodling on a spare notepad, making your own beaded jewelry or really doing anything that gets your creative juices flowing. Research has linked increased creativity with increased positive thoughts, as well as decreased stress and anxiety. Plus, who knows what cute stuff you'll end up creating?

19. Paint your nails, oil pull, do a face mask or any other beauty treatment you rarely take time for.

I’m not usually a big beauty treatment kind of gal, but when I do take the time to put on a face mask or paint my nails, it can transform my bedroom into a spa. So if you need an easy self care activity, think of a beauty treatment you love doing but rarely get around to doing and add that to the top of your daily to-so list. Seeing your newly painted nails or feeling your extra moisturized hair could put a smile on your face for days afterward.

20. Write a card to someone for no reason besides saying hi.

How many handwritten cards do you get nowadays compared to phone calls, emails or texts? Probably a whole lot less! Taking the time to write a handwritten letter can benefit more than just the friend who gets a nice surprise in their mailbox. Expressive writing has actually been shown to improve people's mood, stress levels and overall well-being, so grab a pen and get busy!

21. Smile for at least 30 seconds, even if you don't feel like doing it.

If you're looking for a self care activity you can complete in a minute or less, prepare to show off those pearly whites of yours and smile! Even if you're forcing it, smiling triggers endorphins that elevate your mood. Plus, smiling makes you look younger and thinner, creates the same happy feelings in your brain as 2,000 bars of chocolate and is even correlated with a longer lifespan. Now those are some benefits to smile about!

My Self Care Challenge to You

Whether you throw a self care Sunday every week or desperately need to start adding self care activities into your regular routine, making time for self care can not only make your day 100 times better, but also improve your mental, emotional and physical health. 

As I’ve shown with this list, self care doesn’t have to involve a high-end spa treatment or a weekend retreat to some exotic island. In fact, you can enjoy a plethora of self care activities from the comfort of your own bed...so whether you’re in bed rest because of a chronic illness like fibromyalgia or just need some easy TLC, there are some stellar self care options for you.

My challenge to you this summer is to try out at least one of these self care activities - or some other form of self care that makes you feel good - each week. As relaxing as summer can be, it also often involves lots of family activities, travel and stress. This summer, make YOU and your health a priority with some help from these easy self care tips!

What’s your favorite way to practice self care? Tell me in the comments! 

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2016 You.Did.Not.Break.Us.

(me unleashing the fuschia sparkle on new years eve and Princess Leia keeping it motherfucking real. RIP.)

Babes welcome to 2017. We made it through what was, for many of us, a shit-box of a year. Box after box, babes, just full of shit. We all just kept unpacking it and unpacking it. But we are here, the last carton full of crap has been delivered and, if you are reading this, you have hopefully emerged unscathed. I feel like a goddamn warrior slowly standing the fuck up after a serious, didn’t know if I would make it, battle. 2016 babes, she was a doozy. for me personally, for nearly everyone I know, my community at large, and the planet, specifically. For real, babes, 2016 unleashed a bag of dicks upon humanity and I for one am ready to put those dicks back where they belong: on the internet quietly jerking off to shit they find on Reddit.

  And now here we are in 2017. ‘Who knows what this year will hold’ feels pretty goddamn ok to me. I’m not gonna lie I get wooed by a new year. Feels like the world is full of possibility and that suits me. That said, I’m not really a fat babe who waxes philosophical about the new year, and goal setting, and intentionality. I’m down for however my fellow fats want to roll, and I’m not gonna lie, I get inspired by that shit all the time,  but y’all I’m still wearing my armour and I’m hopped up on the adrenaline rush of getting through 2016, and it just seems like maybe a bitchy, blaspheming, Fat Babe in full armour is just what we need to get through the fuckery that is January. I mean, babes, it is a month like none other for the spewing of body hating nonsense. It is the month where collectively the universe does that thing that I hate the most about office lunch rooms: atoning for the fun you had on the weekend by punishing yourself come Monday. Fuck. No.

Welcome to January. Had fun over the holidays? Saw people you love? Ate seconds at turkey dinner? Went out drinking with friends? Got sick by eating multiple boxes of tofifee? You didn’t think you could get away with just enjoying life did you? DID YOU? Don’t worry, January is here to disabuse you of that notion. January is here to say natural consequences are not enough, that you should be mixing that hangover with a hearty dose of shame. January is here to sell you lies about your body. January is here to distract you from the fact that we have some serious organizing to do in order to deal with the aftermath of 2016.  January is the fun police. January is a punk ass mother fucker and I have no time for that. So here I am, feeling ballsy as fuck for getting through 2016, and I think Ill just ride that feeling a little goddamn longer. Cause babes, we can gently, lovingly, and intentionally work our way through January by giving zero fucks about what she has to offer.

Looking hot as fuck while giving exactly none.

    6 ways to give zero fucks about January, her evil twin Fatphobia, and her kid sister, Capitalism

             Don’t drink the mother fucking Kool-Aid– do not be fooled. January is not about making changes. It is about making us feel so shitty that we buy stuff/memberships we are not actually gonna use. Once the ‘joyful xmas/xmas frenzy’ marketing strategy of December is behind us, the strategy switches gears to bring us the ol ‘buckle down/you are the worst’ strategy for January. In the same way that December manipulates, so too does January. And it is sneaky and, unfortunately, a part of the collective consciousness. It is at the dinner table, in our workplaces, and cozily wrapped in our hearts and minds. We confuse naming our hopes and desires for the year with guilt and the feeling that we have somehow cheated and must atone. We need to slow down that thinking to give it a closer look. Cause when we really think about it, we know what is real. We know that behaviour change is complicated and isn’t magically successful just because the year turned over. That is clearly bananas. I go to the gym every damn day and January is full of people ‘making a change’, but y’all, come February it is back to regulars. January is not about behaviour change, it is, like always, about consumption and capitalism. Babes, lets not get sucker punched by some gym trying to sell us a boxing class, yeah?

Make space – making space for reflection, goals, and hopes for the new year is a bomb ass thing to do – in January or when the fuck ever. Fat Babes, we deserve to take a minute, catch our breath and think about what we are proud of, what we wish we could do more of, and how we want to move in the world. So feel free to make some space in the world for yourself. Space that allows you to gently and kindly celebrate who you are and who the fuck you want to be. Sit down with a coffee, or tea, or whatever you drink, and think about how you honoured yourself last year and what you want to do to honour yourself this year. It may be cheesy as fuck but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good for you.

Take space- Babes, remind yourself of why you are worth rejecting the resolution, you are goddamn enough. Ima just say that again for the hell of it. You.Are.Enough. No one has the right to tell you to change, to suggest you improve, to tell you what would make you better. You are the only one who can do that for yourself. And only if you goddamn want to. So take space back from the toxic lunchroom chit chat, don’t attend family dinners that make you feel bad for eating, and go dark on social media if your feeds are all about body hating and diet talk. Resolve to take that space back for yourself. Go ahead. You deserve it.

Remember to breathe – Babes, if you had asked me 10 years ago if I would ever consider mindfulness to manage my anxiety, and my constant state of being emotionally over stimulated, I would have told you to take your junk science and get the hell out of my house. Today I can say that I was deeply wrong and for that I am sorry. If I can do nothing else but save other cranky dirt bags the time it took me to get over myself and try a thing that is super far outside my comfort zone, my work on this planet will be done. Look I get it. It is a stretch, a different way to heal from what many of us have been taught. And also, it seems kind of like the ol ‘take a bath and go for walks’ strategy to manage the deep traumatic ache of the planet. I mean exactly how many baths must one fat babe have to get rid of rape culture, hmmmmm? Self-care practices ain’t gonna convince brahs to change a damn thing. But babes, my logic was flawed and my attitude was shitty. And really, where has cynicism and detached irony got us anyways? If we are gonna be tackling this shit head on, if we are going to stand firm, if we are gonna protect each other, we need to breathe. We need those moments to store up a little flicker of energy and hope here and there. So whether it is a bath, or a walk, or shaking your ass on the dance floor, remember that you are storing up these tiny breaks so that you can face the world with an open heart and kindness while giving a total of zero fucks. Taking a breath to be in the present, to just be alive, and feel the wonder of that, is not twee (or like maybe just a little twee). It is living. I even have a fucking app that guides me through the whole practice of mindfulness. That is how hard-core I am now. An app. So whatever your version of breathing is, however you take space for yourself to be alive in your body do that now, cause we need it this time of year.

Move your body – Yall just cause I am opposed to having exercise sold to me under the guise of self-improvement/body hatred doesn. I love exercise and I even love the gym. If you can find a way to move your body in a way that celebrates it, then for shit sakes, go forth and move.

Eliminate diet talk- I did this for myself years ago and it is the total best. I started telling the people around me that I didn’t want to hear about diets or the ways they hate their body. I was ruthless in that I was all ‘look you can either stop talking about it around me or we can’t be friends. It is that important to me.’ I reminded my people that they can be celebrated for their diet talk by nearly EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD so surely they could just not around me. It worked. I had maybe one post on my feed about losing weight this January. That’s it. Feels good. Maybe that should be the resolution, y’all.

Babes, it turns out we can step into new things, and care about ourselves in loving ways, and swear like a sailor, and shit talk the clusterfuck that is January, and fight the fucking shitstorm of douchbaggery. From where I’m sitting, this year has literally nothing to do with diets and weight-loss workouts and EVERYTHING to do with loving our selves in a deep and real and fucking righteous way, and then getting out there to fight the misogyny, racism, white supremacy, and environmental injustice that is exploding extra all over North America. If our resolutions have nothing to do with fighting oppression and everything to do with fighting our bodies, well, babes, we are doing it all wrong. Don’t let vapid resolutions take up any brain space just cause your co-worker/sister-in-law/auntie/bestie is making bad choices. Make your body a safe and cherished place to come home to. Cause babes, it’s a riots not diets kinda year. Welcome to 2017.

Smooches.

  Stepping into 2017 like a Fat Babe does 2016 You.Did.Not.Break.Us. (me unleashing the fuschia sparkle on new years eve and Princess Leia keeping it motherfucking real.