#also one of the bosses is a fucking squid and that ROCKS

[ikayblythe]

i cant be the only one who played this game right. right

[randomficsandshit]

Bellarke Fic Rec

*NONE OF THESE FICS ARE MINE*

Please do not forget. I have not written any of these. I’m simply recommending favorites of mine over the years. If you love something, send the author your love, not me :) and if any links don’t work, send me a message and I’ll see what i can do, this is a pretty old list 

There's A Nap For That 

Word Count: 6k+

AU. Based on that post: "If you both agree to take a nap instead of going out, it’s a date." Or: The one where Bellamy and Clarke keep taking naps together. You know, platonically. See also: Let Them Rest.

If You Wear A Dress and Have an Animal Sidekick, You Are a Princess

Word Count: 3k+

AU. Bellamy can't not take care of every animal he sees, and Clarke can't not find it endearing.

*Mouth Like Heaven, Kisses Like Stars

Word Count: 4k+

His eyebrows are knitted together in a slight frown, the kind he usually gets when he’s trying to work out a difficult problem. Finally, he meets her eyes again and says, almost hesitantly underneath his mask of bravado, “Well, I’m always here to lend a helping hand if you need it, princess.” Clarke actually chokes this time, and it feels like all the breath has been knocked out of her. -or, the time when everything goes downhill and bellamy just goes down.

Wingwoman 

Word Count: 1k+

AU. Clarke didn't think she'd need a wingwoman at the park playground when she's babysitting her one-year-old niece, but then Bellamy Blake strolls up, and Amelia rises to the occasion, luckily for her.

When Love Hits (Better Make It Worth The Fall)

Word Count: 4k+

AU. (She's All That) Four times Clarke gets hit on the head (+1 time she doesn't) during her last semester of high school, and every single time, Bellamy Blake is somehow involved.

All This Time

Word Count: 5k+

AU. Four times Bellamy innocently kisses Clarke, + one time he doesn't.

Take This Heart

Word Count: ~

clarke moves into bellamy's room. this is both soft and full of disdain for clarke's terrible... everything in season 3

You're Cool On The Internet, At Least

Word Count: 9k+

AU. Look, Clarke will not dwell on this. She will not get flustered just because a possibly cute guy on Facebook apparently shares her views on what constitutes a terrible person.

(Or: Clarke meets Bellamy on Facebook. They hit it off.)

(One of my personal favs)

We Came Out On Top

Word Count: 11k+

AU. “How can you guys be all like this and then be at each other’s throats during trivia night?” “Because it’s trivia night,” both Bellamy and Clarke said at the same time, sharing the same why don’t you get it tone. Bellamy, Clarke, and the trivia night rivalries only they care about.

She Does What The Night Does To The Day

Word Count: 5k+

AU. He assumes she would just giggle and continue petting him while saying how pretty he is, but instead, she pulls back with what might have been a leer had she not been three sheets to the wind, and says, “Your body is 65% water and I’m thirsty.” And then if that wasn’t bad enough, she stumbles out of his arms and fucking winks at him. Or at least he thinks it’s a wink. She used both eyes instead of one. or, the one where Bellamy is woefully and terribly oblivious.

The Giant Squid's Got Nothing On You

Word Count: 6k+

AU. Objectively, Clarke knows she’s probably right, but she still can’t help but lift her chin determinedly and say, “He is not going to find it.” She can barely hear her scoff in reply over the din of the cafe. “Yeah right,” says Raven, “The internet is forever, Clarke Griffin. He will find it eventually.” or, Clarke finds her new muse at the local cafe

Alone Together 

Word Count: 11k+

AU. Clarke shows up at Bellamy’s apartment at exactly two minutes to midnight on a Thursday. He's not sure how she ends up staying the night — or why he doesn't turn her away, when it happens again. And again.

Cold As The Wind Blows (so hold me in your arms)

Word Count: 3k+

AU. Clarke gets trapped in the storage room overnight, but at least she's not by herself.

Tequila Regrets

Word Count: 6k+

AU. Clarke and Bellamy have been roommates for a while, and Clarke has been in love with him for almost as long, but when she finds out that his terror of a boss has marked him as her next conquest, Clarke offers to pose as his fake girlfriend for the staff Christmas party to scare her off. She did not think this all the way through.

Mutual

Word Count: 6k+

AU. As acts of rebellion go, Clarke knows that getting a tumblr is both minor and pathetic. But it's her secret, her own tiny, online space where no one knows she's Clarke Griffin, Hollywood A-lister. She's just some nobody with like five followers and opinions no one cares about. And then she makes a friend.

Wish On Everything

Word Count: 11k+

AU. It's not as if Bellamy wanted anything bad to happen to his mother. All he wanted was to get custody of his little sister, so he'd know she was taken care of. And after eight years, he's basically given up all hope of that. Then his mother does die, and social services tells him he gets Octavia.

Legs Crossed Towards Each Other 

Word Count: 7k+

It starts with Raven wanting to set up Mr. Sinclair, out of what are probably genuinely good intentions. It's everyone else who turns it into a massive headache for Bellamy.

What The Hell Is The Catch? 

Word Count: 6k+

Bellamy gets tickets to take his AP US History kids to Hamilton, and Clarke figures he's going to need a chaperone. She's happy to help out. And if he says she owes him for it? Totally worth it.

If You Wanna Reach Me

Word Count: 5k+

AU. Clarke: So yeah, in the dream it's like We're in New York, I think. I'm not really sure, but you know how it is when it's a dream and you just know something. So we're in New York.

Jasper: whos we??????

Clarke: Most of us, I think? It's always kind of hard to remember when it's a dream. Like I just thought "everyone's here!" but I mostly interacted with Bellamy.

Raven: did u mean: real life

Time Enough For Rocking When We're Old

Word Count: 14k+

boston > boston/camb/brook > housing > apts by owner $2-300 Roxbury small room in 3-br 1-bath house, spouse preferred (Roxbury) Pair of siblings looking for housemate. Due to extenuating circumstances I will share with interested parties, I would prefer a roommate who is willing to get married for legitimate personal reasons that do not include sex or anything sketchy. If not interested in marriage, room still available for $300/month plus utilities. Pets okay, no smokers, NO DRUG USE. Please don't just email me to tell me this is fucked up, I know it is, you really don't have to tell me. If you are interested in the marriage part, a female spouse is preferred, but male would be okay too. I promise I will explain this if you really want details, but I'm not putting it online. Serious inquiries only.

Must Love Intersectionality 

Word Count: 2k+

AU. Bellamy hates his stupid history of colonialism class, until he makes a friend. Weirdly, the friend isn't actually in his class, they just share the same desk and like to write angry notes about the patriarchy. Bellamy's a fan.

Regardless Of Warnings, The Future Doesn't Scare Me At All

Word Count: 20k+

AU. 2 Chapters. After an argument with her mother about her unplanned pregnancy, Clarke Griffin ends up back in the small town where her father used to live, spilling her sob story to a sympathetic bartender. And then, somehow, she ends up moving in with the bartender and her brother.

(You Might Find) You Get What You Need

Word Count: 20k+

AU. Clarke needs a date to her ex's sister's wedding, and she's at the point of hiring someone off the internet when Octavia points out that her brother is always looking for money. So Clarke takes him instead.

Just As You Are 

Word Count: 10k+

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Clarke Griffin in need of a Latin tutorial partner will always end up paired with Bellamy Blake.

I've Been Dreaming Of You From The Other Side (I Know You So Well)

Word Count: 17k+

AU. Ten years ago, Clarke found out she had superpowers. Now she's all ready to start a new life: English teacher by day, vigilante by night. All she has to do is figure out how to be a superhero, avoid getting caught and shipped off by mandatory metahuman registration, and not strangle the stupid history teacher down the hall. It'll be fun.

She's Touching His Chest Now, He Takes Off Her Dress Now

Word Count: 26k+

If Clarke had thought arguments could actually lead to switching bodies with someone, she wouldn't have been surprised this one really did. But since that's actually impossible, waking up as Bellamy Blake is still a shock.

I Know That Fortune Is Waiting To Be Kind

Word Count: 20k+

When Bellamy is eleven, his mother dies, and he finds out his father was a prince, which makes him a prince too, albeit a bastard prince. And when he's twelve, his family decides he would be a good candidate for marriage to Princess Clarke of Arcadia. Princess Clarke thinks so too, but only because he agrees to come back in ten years and help her make sure the wedding never takes place. It seems like a really good deal, when he's twelve.

And Dream How Wonderful Your Life Will Be

Word Count: 19k+

Clarke has known Bellamy Blake for two months when she finds out two completely unexpected things about him: he's married, and he has an eight-year-old son. He's also getting a divorce and he needs a roommate, and she's got a spot. It's complicated.

One Deep Breath and One Big Step

Word Count: 17k+

Clarke Griffin has been groomed for Ark University and Sigma Kappa Upsilon sorority since she was a kid, and she's a little annoyed to discover, upon getting to college, that she really does like Sig-Kap. That she wants to pledge. There's just this weird thing where they don't seem to like her new friend Bellamy.

Write What You Know

Word Count: 13k+

Bellamy understands every individual choice that got him to this point. He started writing erotica to make some extra money, he didn't correct the assumption that he was a woman, made up some facts about his new persona, and now his publisher wants him to start making public appearances, so he needs someone to be that persona. And Clarke really is the logical choice. It all makes sense to him, when he thinks about it, but he will admit it is incredibly weird. Luckily, Clarke's still got his back.

When Can I See You Again? 

Word Count: 13k+

Bellamy doesn't recognize a lot of people he meets at conventions, even if he's met them a lot. It's just hard to keep track. But the girl who comes once or twice a year is pretty easy to remember. And that's before her foster mom shows up in a panic because she took a bus to Vegas alone. After that happens, it's basically all over.

But They Ain't Doing It Right

Word Count: 14k+

“So,” he begins, running a hand through his hair. It’s a lost cause trying to work it back into some semblance of order. “What is this?” “What do you mean?” He doesn’t meet her eye when he says, “Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern,” too busy picking at a loose thread in his hem. “Wanna go three times and just make it a habit?” she jokes weakly, and his head snaps back up, eyes boring into hers. She flushes under the intensity of his gaze. “Actually,” he begins slowly, “That doesn’t sound that bad.” or, the friends with benefits au that got away from me

Phone A Friend

Word Count: 7k+

Clarke does not ask Bellamy for tips on having a threesome because she's hoping to have a threesome with him. He's just the only person she knows personally who has actually had a threesome, so he seems like her best resource. And when the opportunity to have a threesome with him presents itself, it's not like she's going to just say no.

I'm Swept Away and My Heart Ensnared 

Word Count: 15k+

Raven hums low in her throat. “Well, at least Bellamy can make it up in time. So you won’t get too axe murdered.” Clarke wrinkles her nose, leaning on the banister of the upstairs porch. From here she can see the ocean, just a five minute walk away, and she breathes in brine soaked air. “He’s still coming?” “What do you mean if he’s still coming? He didn’t say anything otherwise.” She shifts from foot to foot, feeling herself colour slightly even though there’s no one there to see her. “I just assumed that because you and Miller couldn’t make it up anymore he wouldn’t come today.” “Why the hell did you think that?” “Because Bellamy and I aren’t exactly friends, Raven." or, Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin don't really like each other. Or at least that's what they tell themselves.

Afraid To Call This Place Our Own 

Word Count: 22k+ 

(Single mom!Clarke and Teacher!Bellamy, with the usual angsty shenanigans.)

And Are We There Yet (Home) 

Word Count: 2k+

A Bellamy POV and mini sequel to afraid to call this place our own. (this shit made me cry) 

Bloodstains and Innocence: A Clarke Griffin Mystery

Word Count: 27k+

Police Chief Clarke Griffin knows three things: 1) Charles Pike is dead. 2) Octavia Blake is the prime suspect. 3) Bellamy Blake a giant pain in the ass with no business being involved in a murder investigation, and yet here he is, working the case alongside her. A hurricane is approaching the sleepy little island of Arkadia, NC as evidence begins to mount against Octavia and Clarke wrestles with her increasingly complicated relationship with Bellamy, all while trying to answer one simple question: Who killed Charles Pike?

Is There An IUD That Can Stop The Image of You and Me? 

Word Count: 8k+

It's probably impossible to be friends with benefits with someone who might not even count as a friend, but "lab partners with benefits" isn't a thing yet. So that's probably the right term. Whatever it is, Clarke's enjoying it. As long as she ignores the whole feelings thing.

I’m Gonna Leave You Anyway

Word Count: 65k+

Modern AU inspired by the show You're the Worst, where Bellamy and Clarke hook up after a wedding.

                  And You Can Have This Heart To Break

Word Count: 37k+

Clarke knows she's being a little over-dramatic in her complaining about having to move to Maine, but it does seem pretty unreasonable of her mother to drag her to a small town in the middle of nowhere for the three months between high-school graduation and her starting college. As it turns out, the summer is great. It's just the summer ending that's the problem.

Museums and Mistletoe 

Word Count: 1k+

Clarke buys Bellamy a museum ticket for Christmas and he acts like it’s the best gift he’s ever received. She buys one for herself too, because she knows none of their other friends have the time to go—finding a day they can all get together to exchange gifts is hard enough—and if it gets her an uninterrupted afternoon with her best friend and all around favorite asshole, she’s definitely not complaining.

When In Brome

Word Count: 57k+

Octavia is the one who tells Clarke about "Untitled Gladiator Project," because she thinks Bellamy wants to be on it, and also thinks Clarke is the one who will be able to convince him to do it. Plus, it turns out Clarke actually needs to be involved, because all of the gladiators are required to have girlfriends with them, and, honestly, the more she hears about it, the more of a mess it seems like. On the other hand, it sounds kind of hilarious, and definitely right up Bellamy's alley, so there's probably no harm in trying out. It might be fun.

It’s All Internet Interaction

Word Count: 11k+

Bellamy is less than pleased when soap opera star Clarke Griffin lands the lead role in the Callister reboot. So, naturally, he writes about it. It’s not supposed to blow up. She’s not supposed to respond to it either, but here they are.

Just Dive Right In (And Follow My Lead)

Word Count: 24k+

Clarke Griffin needs a partner. Bellamy Blake just happens to walk into her rink. (Or: Bellamy and Clarke as ice dancing partners, training together through the years to the Olympics.)

Sleight Of Hand

Word Count: 56k+

Notorious criminal prodigy Bellamy Blake has been tasked with a seemingly impossible heist. Luckily enough, he just might have the right crew for it. *Personal Favorite*

And Then We Were Chasing Comets

Word Count: 21k+

If you told Clarke Griffin that she would become best friends with the resident black sheep of Arkadia, she would have difficulty believing it, let alone the fact that he apparently wrote an entire book about her. (Or: Clarke and Bellamy through the years, as childhood best friends.)

See Me In Hindsight 

Word Count: 16k+

“You’re kind of a mess,” He says mildly. “Thanks captain obvious.” The corners of his mouth twitch a little, like he’s holding back a smile. She is not remotely pleased by that. Not at all. Or, the one where they're project partners and maybe, perhaps, friends. (And maybe, perhaps, more.)

Challenge Accepted

Word Count: 30k+

He doesn't even like Clarke Griffin, he's pretty sure he hates how easy everything has come to her. So imagine his surprise when he finds himself at their office party looking through dick pics on her phone. “You can do better, Princess. In fact, I can do better.” As soon as she turns to him with raised eyebrows and an open mouthed grin he knows he’s said too much but she’s not going to let it drop. “Oh really, you think you can do better, Blake?” And he's never backed down from a challenge in his life.

Found Myself In A Second 

Word Count: 5k+

The one where Clarke finds a lost wallet belonging to one Bellamy Blake.

Every Rose Can Sting You 

Word Count: 15k+

Clarke expected to encounter annoying guys when she got forced into becoming the Bachelorette, but she didn't realise that the most annoying of them all would be the head cameraman. Because seriously, Bellamy Blake is a total prick. It's a good thing there's absolutely no chance of her ever actually liking him, because boy, would that be inconvenient…

Choking On Your Alibis 

Word Count: 7k+

Bellamy gets a girlfriend and Clarke handles it spectacularly well

[huntsman-ash]

LiveThoughts: RWBY V8E6

Second attempt at this since last time Chrome just DIED for no reason...

Im going to put literally the entire thing with Cinder under one note; Called it.

Its a great set of stuff, sure, but it doesnt relaly tell us anything we didnt already know about Cinder, and I personally feel it doesnt really explain why she turned out the way she did. I feel like we’ve had another weird twist of the situation again...M+K? Coronas fault? Who knows. Either way, this section isnt great by my taste and I kinda skipped most of it. 

Few things to note though; Apperently in Mistral scrubbing by hand is still more viable floor cleaning tech than using Dust.

The wind vane on the roof has the Rooster Teeth symbols rooster on it. 

The hotel Cinder is bought by is named the Glass Unicorn, fittingly enough for...several reasons. 

The coffees behind the stepsisters when we first see them are the animated versions of the real life stuff RT put out just before this season went live. 

No one seems to notice the fact cinder has orange eyes. I wonder if weird eye colors are just a THING in Remnant?

The control collar/shock thing is incredibly inefficient in design, since it doesnt actually hold on to her very well. A more effective brace/choker design would have worked better.

The song that goes on during all of this is...kind of obvious and a little bland? Fitting for younger Cinder I guess. 

Mmm. Random greasy huntsman. 

I guess in Atlas its fine to laugh at struggling teenagers?

Im going to assume there’s a 3+ year gap here where she gets older, cause she stops being smol and gets closer to how we see her now.

Also even here, in Atlas...really? The most effective way to clean these carpeted floors is to have a TEENAGER SCRUB THEM BY HAND?

How do you scrub...I assume its carpet anyway?

And how you tell civilians are lame in Atlas; they are impressed...by a sword.  Just a sword. A boring, half-cut sword. Losers.

I assume this would be Cinder’s semblance manifesting. Also note on the desk; “we do not serve faunus”. Well THAT doesnt surprise me.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Get fucked Cinder. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

I dont even feel pity for her, this is funny to me.  Also the fact that this kind of shit aCTUALLY EXISTS is...amusing to me. Like, really? So I guess indentured servitude is a thing in Remnant too. 

And this is why Cinder likes to use swords. Really. Wow. LAMEO.

Huh. Dual maces. Interesting. Thats a prety cool weapon.  Looks like they open up too. Bet he could bash some skulls with that.

“Hurting them isnt going to make your life any better”. Um, excuse me? I think hurting them is the very best thing to do in this situation. At least, for the moment anyway. 

Huh. So she’s ten at this point? Even as a child, shes older than she looks. 

And training montage. Huh. Or at least I assume it is. I get the feeling being able to go where you want too and do what you want too is the main reason Hunters exist. There must be crazy tight immigration laws...or, maybe, its just that traveling between kingdoms is stupid dangerous cause of Grimm. I think the latter is most likely considering every form of public transit extra-kingdom we’ve seen (even between cities, see Argus Limited) has some kind of defensive weaponry. Limited and ineffective, for th emost part oddly.

So you can take the exam at 18. Okay cool. Pre-that must be prep school. Wonder what happens if you wash out? Also I like how this dude is just “yeah, 7 years of training, we got this.”

I think this is the first time we’ve seen the other side of the moon. Or at least, the proper other side...bloody hell I STILL dont know how all those piesces are still held in place, the thing looks like it should start yeeting bolides at Remnant. 

Better still we see it MOVE, rotate in time to the passing of years. So it literally does rotate on its own axis, and more importantly, unlike OUR moon, its NOT tidally locked. We only ever see the same side of our moon. REmnants rotates MUCH faster. Also it doesnt seem to have phases like ours does. I’ll check on why that is. 

Well at least we have an explanation for why Cinders so damn good at fighting people. Trained by an Atlas Huntsman.

Also as a note the device is quite literally just an electrical Dust crystal attached to a necklace. Things the most inefficent torture device Ive ever fucking seen. 

Wonder how often they have to change the crystal.

And there goes the moon rotating again.

I like how NO ONE comment on the blade going missing and that guy never came back for it. I guess he must have just bought a new one.

I get the very distinct feeling they wont just let her go honestly, permission or not. 

AWWW WE DONT EVEN GET TO SEE CINDER MURDER THE SISTERS. Also no blood. Odd.  Good kill on the  stepmother though. Oh, that NECK CRACK.  I like how all the bitch can do is try and shock Cinder, like, uh...adrenaline up? SHE HAS A SWORD? MAYBE FIGHT BACK?

Hah. Weak ass fuckin Atlas people.  Also the clock going off in the back ground twelve times. How fitting. Welcome to midnight. 

Also shes kind of glowing here cause the room is dark, and I find it amusing this is probably the last time she wears white.

And THERES the Cinder we know

Sick ass music, cool. Also THAT is an interesting semblance...I guess he turns himself to metal? Also DAMN his aura broke after THAT? Hes a Huntsman...ah who cares. Again probably in Cinders memory more than anything. Which at this point is probably about as reliable as a coked up hookers.

SHANKED. Sucker. You shoulda seen THAT one coming.

And thats all it took to get the shock collar off. Lol. 

So what happened to the hotel? Did they just...write it off? I mean four people got murdered in there...

And now we’re back on the whale. HOW THE SCREAMING FUCK DID CINDER JUST...

Wow. She just got up after eating that blast. Fucking plot armor.

Merc making the hard calls honestly.  Im actually gonna watch all of this now which is nice because I want to know whats happening in the real world. PITY MORE THAN HALF THE EPISODE WAS THIS FUCKING FILLER.

I like how Cinder just...goes quiet the moment she realizes shes lost Mercury. Not that he was USEFUL mind you but if I had to guess she liked being the boss. But now shes...basically back where she started. 

So the whale is basically a ship. It has a bridge. Probably Salems throne room.

Man, Oscars literally just RTs punching bag this season isnt he? Literally in this case. 

His clothes are still scortched too which I find interesting.  The black eyes also staying. Auras not back up then? Aura repair and regen seems...werid half the time. Like RT does what they want with it.

Ah so someone finally says it...but at the same time what exactly does Salem have to fear? If she cant fight the whole world...what could they do? Maybe overwhelming her? It...Im having a hard time putting the “she cant be stopped” with “shes afraid of fighting all of Remnant”. 

Somethings missing here. I know it.

The sound of the “door” opening reminds me of the Flood doors in High Charity in Halo 3s Cortana. Fleshy twisting.

Mention from Hazel, but AGAIN...no details. I guess if you nail down how she can do stuff its harder to write? 

Glad someone made a comment on the futility of the Hunter academies. 

I really hate how Salems giving us creepy mommy shades. 

Hmm. So yeah the bridge IS the throne room/command deck. I like how Neo doesnt give a fuck is just casually kneeling. 

Ah okay THATS why he grabbed the scroll. 

Heh. Interesting. How exactly does this work I wonder. 

...Why does Salem have a ring. Has she always had that ring?

Neo looking at the Hound like “oh, I could ride this thing”. 

Oh cool the Ace Ops. And they’re arguing, shocker. Sounds like Elm doesnt trust tech either. No shock there.  Idiot.

Atlas elite. Yeah, right.

Huh, is this a Manta with landing gear? I guess they do have them...seems kind of silly to have them so high up though. I guess thats what the thing under the door is for, so they can deploy a ramp. Man, I really dont like Atlas’s airship design.

Hare needs some fuckin suppresants. 

Annnnddd...here we go, things go straight to hell. I was warned of this. I am going to try and not be mad...but from what Ive heard the incomptence of the military in this particular section is astronomical.

Huh. So...Grimm can be convirted into a rock-punching liquid? Interesting. Has that always been a thing or... Also why the fuck are you jsut standing there in awe, go kill the fucking thing! Fucking Specialists.

...that is all it took to get through Atlas’s shield? THAT?

I also love how no one does anything. Ironwoods like “wait what the fuck”. Come on bro. 

And...thats the Atlas navy. Everyone. Two lasers. One of which missed. Remind me again what exactly these things are used to shoot?

Wait, no, that took down part of it, and then the rest is, surprise, hitting the soft rock on the outside. 

THERE goes the shield. 

Hang on a second, how long have those giant squid things been there?

And...what. The whale just approaches, nothing happens? You’ve got 12 fucking ships there, shoot the fucking thing.

Again, WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING?

Oh, it just beach-headed. Okay fine, whatever. 

Im not really worried.

Lets see how RT makes this WORSE though...

And thats this weeks episode.

[fuckingfroggymemesorsomeshit]

Pt 2 of monster hunter post

Deviljho - Deviljho is truly the Dark Souls of monster hunter. Deviljho was the hardest fight in the game when he was first released, not through gimmicks like Kushala or strange attacks like Kirin, but through aggression, ferocity, and broken hit boxes. Deviljho’s main weak point is it’s face, and you harvest needed parts from breaking its face, which is nothing new. It’s face is also it’s most dangerous part, still nothing new. However the level of danger that comes with fighting Deviljho head on was higher than any monster before him, as he could legitimately kill combo you off one hit, especially from a bite or from dragons breath. Deviljho, also, is incredibly tall. So tall that you probably won’t hit it in the head unless you’re using a long gunlance or ranged weapons, and trying more often than not will get you killed in your attack animation. Deviljho also loves to stagger, stun, and use tremors, which he can then turn into a kill combo. Just by being near one of his attacks, you are at risk of losing the mission. He was the first taste of how unfair monster hunter can be, and it gets much worsea in Iceborne. 10/10.

Kulve Taroth - Very cool looking, but an introduction to the ugly side of MHW grinding. At the time of release, KT had some of the best weapons in the entire game. However, they just had a random chance of dropping, and he could drop several types and degrees of these weapons, making you fight him over and over, battling RNG to get one fucking weapon that didn’t even look that cool. Neat design, nice fight, wouldn’t wanna do it 100 times like people have before.

Lunatsra - I didn’t fight lunastra lol

Beotodus - The first monster you encounter in Iceborne. Beotodus is actually okay. It is just a Jyuratodus/Laviosoth clone, but it’s model and move set are just different enough to make it stand out. Probably not a good first monster, not very impressionable, but palatable.

Banbaro - Banbaro is what should have been the introductory Iceborne monster. He is an incredibly fun fight with great environmental interactions and weapons. My only complaint is that you should be able to break his antlers more than you can. I know it’d be kinda game breaking to just shatter his main offensive weapon, but it’s monster hunter, lemme break his fucking horns

Viper Tobi Kadachi - The first of the Iceborne subspecies, Viper TK is a pretty challenging fight. His poison seems to act faster than other poisons in the game, and he rarely stops attacking. This is a trend that continues in Iceborne. One of the best gunlances in the game drop from him.

Nightshade Paolumu - Annoying. Puts you to sleep and then one shots you, while just kinda floating around. Really unremarkable, but unfun.

Coral Pukei-Pukei - Honestly, a really fun fight, his water jets are unique and his vibrant colors make him easy to look at even in spite of his horrific asshole tail that jets water at you.

Barioth - One of the hardest monsters to fight in Iceborne, Barioth is the first cat Wyvern you fight. His attacks are relentless, his hit boxes are huge, and every move sends him flying across the map. It’s a challenge just to keep up with this monster, and it’s incredibly difficult to be able to consistently DPS his health bar down. Even if you’ve memorized his attack patterns and can stay alive during this fight, his attacks send him so far and they happen so frequently that comboing him without a knockdown is nearly impossible, making you rely on chip damage for the majority of the fight. Because of this, the fight takes a much longer time than it should.

Nargacuga- Another cat wyvern. Coming off the fight with Barioth, I was very afraid of Nargacuga. I was worried this would be another 30 minute fight with a cat that just wouldn’t keep still, and while Nargacuga can match Barioth in aggression, he is significantly less mobile and some attacks even keep him held in place entirely, making the entire fight much more streamlined and fun. However, his weapons and armor are significantly less worth farming than Barioth.

Glavenus - At first glance, this monster was giving me flashbacks to Deviljho. His massive frame, heavy, fast attacks and fire breath brought back memories I wasn’t ready for. Luckily, Glavenus is a bit of a pushover in comparison. Unlike Deviljho, it is fairly safe to just sit at Glavenus’s legs and fire gunlance shells through his weak points without much worry. Obviously it isn’t the fastest way, but he really can’t do much about it and gunlance shells do set damage no matter if they’re hitting a weak point or not, so it gets the job done.

Tigrex - Tigrex is quite the difficult fight. His ferocity matches Deviljho’s and his attack range and speed is on par with Barioth. If you don’t know how to approach this fight, Tigrex will probably just roll you. His enormous hit boxes and constant attacking seems almost insurmountable. However, if you play the beginning of the fight slowly, sever his tail and break his arms, the fight is much easier. His tail no longer has the incredible range it did before, and his wild charge now had a chance to make him stumble, granting you a free knockdown. Some of the best armor in the game stats wise.

Brachydios- Really not much to say. His design is so different from every other monster, yet he manages to be incredibly boring to look at anyways. He slimes and he explodes, break his hands and head to castrate him. His armor is Shinjis mech from NGE and that’s kinda cool.

Shrieking Legiana - I want to mention that I won’t bring up every subspecies from here on out since most don’t really add to the monsters fight or how you approach it, but Shrieking Legiana is different. Legiana was already a fast, aggressive apex predator with Iceblight and constant flight to worry about, but pair that with the constant attacks of Iceborne monsters, and this is a new beast entirely. Shrieking Legiana NEVER slows down. She is always flying through the air, staggering, inflicting Iceblight, and one shottinf you. This fight is annoying.

Velkhana - Imagine Barioth if he could fly. Same situation. Fuck this fight.

Namielle - Another one of the coolest elder dragons in the game. Namielle has one of my favorite designs of any monster, with an almost squid like appearance and the aesthetic of the abyss. She’s a water themed monster, and her gimmick is the fill the arena will puddles then elecrocute you. Her armor is woefully ugly, but the weapons are top notch.

Shara Ishvalda - My number one monster in the entire game. The fight is amazing. The appearance is amazing. All the armor and weapons are amazing. The design of the monster is amazing. This monster is what Xeno’jiva wishes it could be. It blows Xeno’jiiva out of the water in every single way, the lackluster, dull fight is now an epic, beautifully scored battle, and Xeno’jiva boring and uninspired appearance is put up against one of the most unique designs of any video game enemy I’ve ever seen. Shara Ishvalda starts the fight encased in rocks, appearing as a giant stone golem that is slow moving but lethal. Once you break away it’s armor, it reveals the most disturbing but beautiful monsters in the game. Shara Ishvalda is sickly, but vibrant at the same time. The freakiest part is it’s eyes, which do not follow the player, but the camera as you fight it. It’s a very weird feeling, making it seem like Ishvalda is staring at you behind the screen. The issue is that the fight takes fucking forever, but for a one time final boss, it’s fine. However, like I said, Shara has some of the best weapons and armor in the game. If you want them, you won’t be just doing the fight once. Grinding Shara Ishvalda is one of the most tedious experiences in the game. Each fight takes in excesss of 30 minutes, amounting to a damage check where you simply are spamming the same combo on its legs over and over and over. Not fun to farm, but a great final boss.

Rajang - monke

[tumblunni]

hey uhhh YKNO WHATS GOOD brainstorming potential headcanons for a character you know NOTHING ABOUT

i guess its less headcanons and more like.. wishes? hopes? what i think would be cool to do with this dude and like ALL I KNOW is that he is a cool dude and apparantly he doesnt have a backstory or sympatheticness SO consider what if he did and maybe thatd be cooler. like dude he owns THE SINGLE BEST BOSS BATTLE THEME IN ALL VIDEOGAMES EVER and that is ALL I KNOW ABOUT HIM and i just want him to deserve it, yo. also if he turned good i could be his friend and some of the badassness would rub off on me

ANYWAY

COOL SQUID PRESIDENT

i would vote for this man as squesident

seriously the design is SO GOOD!!! how did they manage to get such a cool colourscheme out of his entire Thing being that he has no colours?? like damn i like white being used as an evil colour for once, thanks. it symbolizing emptyness and emotionlessness is like BIG YES and i really hope thats what they were going for cos apparantly the wiki says that all the yokai who join his “we should never be friends with humans” gang turn colourless to match? but like the dude himself is less plain white and more very light shades of blue, grey and gold. MAYBE REFLECTS THAT HE IS A MANIPULATIVE DOUCHE WHO MAYBE DOESNT REALLY CARE ABOUT YOKAI AND JUST WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD PERHAPS dammit why does everything about him scream “great 100% evil guy who is very scary” when man I WANT TO LIKE HIM, DAMMIT!!

ALSO SERIOUSLY the visual effect of the wild spirally red yellow eyes against an otherwise “peaceful” colour whose entire point as an evil is “peaceful” taken to a bad extreme. it REALLY immediately sells that “tries to pretend to be calm, collected and fancy but is actually an angry mofo at heart” vibe i got from his theme song??? I REALLY HOPE THATS ACTUALLY HOW THIS COOL BOSS BATTLE GOES DOWN cos man the best villains are smug asshles who Always Win and then when you FINALLY win you get that much of a better ending!!! but AGH another part of me is like “i hope im wrong because he looks like a Cool Dad and i want him to be good”. Maybe his true design concept was to betray me personality with using all his cool dad power for evil...?

ALSO im not gonna spoil you guys on it cos it is JUST AS AMAZING AS HIS SONG but i was toooootally right that he has some sort of super intimidating second form and its got THE COOLEST DESIGN EVER HOLY SHIT! and also apprantly there’s a recoloured bonus boss called Minister Squisker who’s like a colour swap in a really creative way?? it swaps him being all “blank” themed with scary bright eyes and instead his entire body is a wild ye olde mythological illustration style paint job in every colour ever. okay COOL HEADCANON NUMBER ONE thats actually the regular colour of the species and mckraken is the white sheep of the family lol

also UHHH i dunno it seems kinda weird to me that theyd have this dude running a goddamn political party about humans being bad yet he doesnt seem to have any motivation whatsoever for it? unless it really is just supposed to be ‘he only pretends he wants to protect yokai from humans so he can manipulate and rule the yokai’. but like HYPOTHETICALLY in some universe where he actually lives up to his Grumpy Dad Who Has A Hidden Soft Spot potential, maybe he has an understandable backstory that raises legitimate concerns about how humans are destroying the natural and mythological and forgetting their roots, or other reasonable reasons why yokai could think humans are dangerous and all. i mean we ARE dangerous, we’re just a wide group of people that contain evil bastards and also good people, yknow. And thatd resonate well as a plot probably, cos well the whole point of the series is “in real life ur scared of yokai but theyre actually all goofy pranksters who will be your best friend forever”. Both sides being afraid of each other could lead to some good plotness! and it could be really effective and sad if after hours of joyous childhood wonder the protagonist bumps into the first yokai they couldnt befriend. the first one thats scared of them. the first member of this weird colourless political party who accuses them of committing crimes against yokaikind, of obviously only enslaving these yokai friends cos you have an ulterior motive, just like all humans! it could be effective if its something that shakes up the whole way you saw the world and establishes that hey its not all fun and happiness, and there’s some people you are powerless to convince. maybe even some people you are powerless to save...?

ANYWAY possible idea for ‘what if the dude originally had a sympathetic motive but it got twisted over time and now he’s just a fuck BUT maybe he could still be redeeminated someday ok thanks” What if he’s the spirit of.. like.. ocean pollution? Like there’s some yokai who are ghosts of a mortal person but theres some that are just nature spirits or personifications of concepts. What if he’s the personification of the dying screams of all the wildlife killed in a particular tragic oil spill? hence squid = thematic, and blank white colourscheme = even more thematic reflecting the stain the oil would leave on a pristine ocean and also the blank emotionlessness he was left as after witnessing that tragedy. Cos like his entire Purpose would have been born out of avenging anger but i mean he was just a kid, the only one left alive on a ruined beach and seeing just how powerful humans were and how pointless it would be to try and fight them with his weak power. like he was born to avenge all these souls and he just keeps failing!! his entire reason to live and he’s just too small!! so he ends up becoming bitter and cynical and learning how to use his silver tongue to manipulate others into becoming his weapons, and he vows that someday he’s gonna come back when he has the power he needs to complete his mission. and he’s just forever had this anger seething inside that he’s been unable to get any catharsis from, so when his cold and collected persona cracks he’s really damn scary with all these years of a man who’s grown old fearing he’ll never be able to avenge his ocean friends and just AAAAAA! itd be really good cos itd be a way he could still be intimidating and high stakes as a boss fight but also sympathetic!! also it could make sense why he’d only be redeemable after defeating him? like this entire time he’s been hidden behind a million layers of politics and minions and stuff and its very easy for him to not see the reality of the fact that he’s terrorizing human children just like how humans scarred him as a child. so like his whole big second form transformation super anger mode time would be sort of a last ditch attempt to deny what he already knows, the doubts that have been eating away at his soul now he’s getting close to the end of his life goal. but also like.. he doesnt even know who he IS, under the lies! its been his entire purpose for existing. like he probably uhh.. didnt have much plans after his victory. he probably wouldnt have much will to live left. so yeah you basically beat up this guy’s emotional walls and make him face the face of the people he’s been hurting, when he’s been trying to avoid it for so long. and he gets to see how much all the other yokai genuinely trust you and how much youre personally sacrificing to protect them so maybe you really arent just lying about being a good person...

oh also i was thinking about the inherant hypocrisy present in the fact that this guy is a big spoopy REALLY WELL DESIGNED squid monster that spends all his time in a depowered humansona instead, despite his whole Thing being hating humans. and, yknow, ‘i’ll solve this using a carbon copy of human politics instead of any more traditionally magical way of fighting the humans’. Yeah. So THEORY of SADNESS maybe he like never actually met any other yokai for a long time? I dont think it really makes sense that he’d be hypocritical because he secretly likes humans or something, that wouldnt jive with this backstory idea. So im thinking another explanation could be that he genunely doesnt know much about yokai culture? Like cos of his backstory he just poofed into existance on this destroyed beach in the human world and spent the first few centuries of his life completely alone except for the terrifying monsters that haunted every second of his life, and the knowledge that it was his purpose to defeat them but he didnt know how. And he was a nature spirit of the sea but his sea was empty of everything except death, so he couldnt even hug a cute fish sidekick or something- OH GOD WHAT IF HE DID HAVE A CUTE FISH SIDEKICK AND IT DIED COS OF HUMANS!!! very tiny sad squid monster child holding a dead pet, oh god why did my heart did this to meeee!! so yeah he didnt even know he was a yokai or wtf yokai are, he didnt know anywhere outside the tiny rock pool he would hide in on this barren beach. And then someday he gets found by an older yokai and adopted and like he feels like he owes them so much cos they gave him a reason to live, and a connection to the nature that he was supposed to protect, and.. well.. any companionship at all ever. So thats how his directionless “humans are bad” turned into “yokai are good and i need to protect them from humans like i failed to protect the beach” which turned into “i need to get more power to do this” which turned into manipulating other yokai and seeing them as nothing more than tools to take down the humans, his revenge consuming him until he barely remembered the reasons he originally wanted to do it...

and blablabla thats where we bring in the recolour bonus boss also, and say thats the nice grandpa figure who adopted him when he was all lost and trapped in the human world. and cos he was sorta adopted into nobility thats why he’s so over the top with his pompousness, its like a hint of IM LOVV MY GRANDEPA shining through his grumpface. ALSO maybe a sad situation where the gramps saw his kid growing up into this scary extremist and he tried to reason with him that humans dont need to be destroyed and that led to them fighting and him getting sealed off in recolour bonus boss land. and mckraken sees it as the biggest betrayal of his life and it totally threw him off the slippery slope to feel like the one man he trusted the most was a traitor to yokai all along. but even at his most evil he couldnt bear to actually kill his beloved gramps so he just imprisoned him and tries to stop thinking about it but like THE CONSTANT SPECTRE OF THE GUILT HANGS OVER YOUR HEAD THAT YOU DID YOU GRAMPS WRONGGGG So yehmaybe protag could find the gramps guy and hear about the sad backstory via him and then defeat mckraken and make him realise he was wrong and he apologises to his gramps and atones and all the humans and yokai are friends again and BUNNI CRIES FOREVER the end

cos seriously man this guy’s design is too good to be wasted on a hateable!! srsly he’s like that archetypical goofy big beard chubby pirate dude BUT INTIMIDATING AND BADASS AND COOL FASHION AND DAVY JONES SQUID BEARD SQUEARD I LOVE HIM he is too round to be 100% evil

*slams fists on the table* IF YOU DONT LIVE UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS I AM GONNA CRY

aaa i need to stop just sitting here theorizing about this game and actually friggin play it lolllll

[bynkii]

It’s all right there

(originally published on 18 Nov. 2015)

If only you’d look to the side once in a while

Somewhat odd fact: I’ve never been really anywhere outside of the U.S. Not that I’m anti-travel, it just seemed to never work out. I mean, I’ve been to Toronto, spent a summer in Mississauga with my cousin Diane and her family, and technically went near Nassau on a night-time cruise, but I was so obliterated that I don’t know if I left the boat.

I was in the Air Force, but at a B-1B base in the mid-80s to early-90s, and so we didn’t really even start going overseas for air shows and exercises until I was fixing to separate. Then came a marriage and a kid and it kind of just never happened. Which I do think is a shame, but I can’t say I’ve not done anything cool, I just did it all…here.

This came up because I was talking to a good friend of mine, N., who is much smarter and well-traveled than I, (and for a Cali transplant, still understands why Waffle House is amazing.) I was commenting how a mutal acquaintance, who is my age, seems to have just woken up to the reality that non-honkies in the U.S. have very different lives than honkies do. I said I didn’t get how someone could be as well-traveled as he is, (he has literally traveled the globe) and still be so…blind…to the world outside of his somewhat narrow set of interests. This legitimately puzzled me until N. explained it.

She said, (paraphrased) that if you’re traveling on business, to a conference or on a book tour or what have you, that it’s easy. You get off the plane and go to the hotel. Which is probably a Marriot or other chain, and where the club sandwich in Tokyo is exactly like the club sandwich in Des Moines. You are driven to where you need to be when you need to be there, you go out after to a restaurant, maybe a bar that is tourist-friendly, and then back to the hotel. After a few days, home you go. Maybe you take a day for being a tourist, but you’re going to do fairly standard stuff.

You do that enough, and there’s no difference between anywhere.

I can’t argue her point, I literally don’t know, but it struck me as sad. To be somewhere totally different, but wrap yourself in a cocoon of home, like some kind of odd warp bubble.

Because while I’ve never really left the U.S., there’s always been this “walkabout” impulse. I probably got it from my mom, who as a single woman, lived in Tokyo immediately following WWII for some years, (and evidently spent enough time near Hiroshima to come home rather sick for more than a few months), and then in the 50s and 60s, literally traveled everywhere in this country where a train would go. I’ve pictures of her in D.C., at Gettysburg, Monticello, San Francisco, you name it.

In an era where being an independent woman was somewhat frowned upon, she was independent. Mind you, she never learned to drive. This was all public transit and trains.

My dad helped too, he’d been in Japan & Korea in the early 50s, trying not to die during a war, and getting into marvelous trouble in Japan on leaves and furloughs.

One of his better stories, one that fascinated me was about how he and his friends would go to a restaurant in either country, and just blindly order. Whoever got the ugliest dish paid. He thought he was safe when a friend got the squid. Until a WHOLE OCTOPUS, eyes and all, broiled in its own ink was placed in front of him.

That always seemed like the coolest thing: go to a restaurant you’ve never been and just order something. How cool a way to learn new food? Sometimes, you get the octopus, sometimes you get amazing malaysian food. Amazing wins over OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT more than you might think. Food is a great introduction to different cultures.

As I’ve mentioned, I grew up in Miami. My family moved down in 1970, and I didn’t really leave until 1986, when I joined the Air Force. I was there for some shit. Mariel, Liberty City, Murder Capital of the world, Cocaine Cowboys, (I still can’t really watch “Scarface”. Because too much of that movie isn’t some gorefest story, it’s what was happening in my world. There’s not a lot of exaggeration there), all of it.

It’s easy to fall into the tropes. Miami’s a pit, it’s a crimefest, it’s nothing but Cubans. But that’s the saddest way to look at it. Because Miami showed me so many things. ¿Qué Pasa USA? Pastelitos. Pecadillo. A properly made Cuban sangwich. The smell of the wall of ovens baking Cuban bread in an Imperial Supermarket just off 8th Street and Salzedo. The bizarre joy that was the Bed Race. Goombay, where I discovered a host of carribean food and music. Tito Puente. Gloria Estefan before she was Gloria Estefan. Guava. Flan. Materva. The Red Room. The Kitchen. Coconut Grove when there were still more hippies than hipsters. The Friday night Hare Krishna Drum Party in Coconut Grove, where you’d have a hundred people dancing along with the Krishnas and they would just play their asses off. The guy who sold small crabs and palmetto bugs dipped in gold.

It’s actually hard for me to talk about Cuban Culture like it’s some separate thing, because I grew up in it. I’m not Cuban, not even close, but that culture was a part of my youth and my adolescence. It’s not “other people’s” culture. It’s a part of me as much as it can be. You grow up in Miami, your first concert is P-Funk, it’s hard to live in The Honkie Zone™.

Here’s an example of how it affected me. One day, after I’d gotten out of the Air Force, my boss takes me to a Cuban place in Pinellas Park, La Terecita. (AmazingCuban food, BTW.) The waitress seats us, sees we’re a table of superhonkies, and gives us menus. With the food in english. I literally had no idea what any of it was, because you order Cuban food in spanish. What the fuck other language even makes sense? So I ask the waitress, when she returns, “Is there a spanish menu? I don’t know what any of this is in English.”

She looks at me and asks “Where you from?” I tell her Miami, she laughs and says “Okay baby, let me get you the menu.” (If you know what a Cuban accent sounds like, then you get more of the picture.) She comes back with a Spanish one, aka a real one, and at last, I can order my Picadillo y maduros y Materva. Fuck me, english, what use is that?

You also never understand why people are puzzled at children drinking coffee, because you start kids on cafe con leche as soon as they’re off the tit. I mean it. Non-Miamians don’t really get how central Cuban coffee is to life down there. Water is minor, cafecitos are critical.

As a kid in Miami, this was my “community pool”, Venetian Pool. It’s an old limestone quarry converted to a pool. To be able to use the diving boards, you had to swim across the pool without stopping, watched by the lifeguards. That was what turned you from a little kid to a big kid. Swimming is a necessity, because half your elementary school field trips are to the beach. Yeah, yeah, education, starfish, the stingray shuffle. I’m still convinced it was how the teachers wangled free midday beach time. As they should.

Some places brag about how you can watch the sun rise and set over the ocean by just walking a few miles. In Miami, on the highway out to Key Biscayne, you could do that just by turning around. Then there’s Stiltsville, and a not-long drive away, things like Pennekamp and Key West. Along with treasures now gone, like Ocean World, and Miami Marine Stadium, where you could see unlimited hydroplanes, and watch concerts with the stoners on rafts in the middle.

I was also there for https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hurricane_Andrew. My biggest memory of that is just after the hurricane, when shit is still fucked up and Gloria Estefan, who unlike most celebrities, grew up in Miami, and is a hometown girl, holding a benefit in the Orange Bowl, to raise money to help folks out. It’s kind of fucked up, power is still wonky, she is a bit of a sweaty mess, (we all were), and yet there she is, singing “Coming Out of the Dark”, and somehow, everything was going to be okay. Gloria Estefan will always be okay in my book for that.

I don’t think you can grow up with my parents in that town and not look to the side every so often. Or all the time. And it helped me see, not just the bloody obvious truth, like the lives lived different of non-honkies in this country, but all the things.

Like driving between base and town in Grand Forks on highway 2, happy to be off early, (at 2am) and it’s one of those snowstorms where it’s not a blizzard, but the flakes are coming down big, wet and noisy. You can actually hear them hit, and as I come around a curve, there’s this explosion of light, and two two trucks pulling a semi out of the ditch. As Toccata & Fuge in D Minor is blasting in my Civic. Pipe organ version, of course. There is something perfect about that, along with Bach at 2am during another snowfall in the middle of nowhere.

Or another night, same highway, same time of day, only it’s summer, and there’s this flash of light and a roar I only hear because my windows are down, and as I look up, I see a metor blasting through the sky overhead, on fire, big trail of smoke. I pull right the fuck over because if it hits, fuck yeah, i’m gonna get a piece. (No, the obvious downsides didn’t occur to me, because ROCK FROM SPACE.) It burned up completely before it hit, but I got to see it.

You look to the side, and you find things. Like malaysian restuarants in Kansas City. Or how, in Biloxi, just outside of Keesler AFB, if you and your friends go to the same Chinese place enough, and keep ordering “something with beef, something with pork, something with chicken, and surprise us” enough, eventually the family that runs it starts making you the non-gweilo versions of things. Or that there’s a fantastic Dim Sum place not a half-block from the Moscone in S.F., an amazing cajun place in Knob Knoster, MO, and one of the best southern restaurants ever is near Binghampton, NY, (THEO’S4LYFE!)

You see things that other folks miss. Like a tango club performance in Union square, where the guy in his 70s is shaming all the younger men. Because he may be old and slow everywhere else, but he is the Tango grandmaster and the youngin’s best just step back, this is his show.

Walden Pond. It’s not just where Thoreau lived, (with lots of help from his friends. He may have wrote about self-reliance, but he was not so good at practicing it) it’s a place. It’s a swimmin’ hole. Kind of cold, but very beautiful, and a great place to take slow walks with friends. The whaling museum in Peabody. Realizing that on multiple occasions, a pre-fame/pre-Gaiman Amanda Palmer made you milkshakes and sundaes (and she was very good at it.)

You become best friends with everyone in a ten-meter radius at a crawfish festival, because you just can’t suck head, and so you give away heaping plates full of the nasty things to anyone within reach. For this, you get a lot of free beer. Some years later, at Bad Medicine Lake in MN, you gorge on the biggest crawfish you’ve ever seen, (LOBSTER-SIZED) because people up there think they’re gross, and the bottom of the lake is covered with them. It is totally worth the hypothermia you risk, and pissing off a plethora of plastered, pulchritudinous sorority sisters because if they reject crawdads, they can’t be worth your time.

You meet people who aren’t like you, and learn at a young age, just how full of shit you are, and maybe you should fix that. You pick up foul words in multiple languages, (profanity starts both fights and friendships. Often simultaneously.) You learn that the “stripper paying her way through college” isn’t just a trope, and she amazes you both with her pole work and her analysis of pre-Revolutionary War America.

You discover, if you’re open to it, that there are amazing people everywhere in all walks of life, doing all kinds of jobs you aren’t, and they are just fascinating. That there are former adult stars on Twitter who build amazing models of Star Wars ships from metal because that’s what they do, when they aren’t losing their minds over the San Jose Sharks or making beautiful art. They talk about their work too, and that’s even neat because you learn about the behind the scenes stuff. “Inside baseball” is fucking fascinating when it’s about porn. (Ed. note: this person checked out a few years ago. I genuinely miss her, and presence on Twitter.)

You learn that two authors you admire who have become friends have forgotten more about food and culture than you’ll ever know. You learn the history of Switzerland that’s about just how terrifying the Swiss are, “…I’m from Northern Ireland, I don’t do well with unannounced gunfire.”, and that a description of dinner eating between two members of old Russian Royalty can be far, far more…intense than any non-porn writing has a right to. (Seriously, hie thee to wherever you can find them, and read all of “Tales of Old Russia” by Peter Morwood. DESCRIPTIONS OF DINNER SHOULD NOT HAVE THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE.)

Actually, if you see anything with either Peter or Diane Duane as authors or co-authors, just read it. Trust me on this.

It’s not hard to see the world as it is, good and bad, awesome and terrifying. You don’t even have to leave the country. You just have to look around every so often.

[friendshipcampaign]

Session Recap 6/2/18: “Let Us See, Then, What Thereat Is”

The party awoke from their much-needed rest to the remaining Caftner, a little more sluggish now, milling about -- as well as once skeleton that had survived the battle and that now, without the influence of the Morkoth, was behaving harmlessly and waved at them. Kriv wearily told everyone else “Well, I’m ready to leave” -- which spurred a stronger “Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here,” from Amaranth.

Voski informed everyone else of Zikt’s request that the Cafter exoskeletons could again have a final resting place, and they discussed the best place to take them. Eventually, it was agreed that they would lead the Caftner back to the chamber where they had originally been found. Voski again tapped into the properties of the demiplane to rebuild their bridge and give them a way out of the chamber. To get the aimless Caftner to follow them, Erwyn cast Dancing Lights, trying his best to fashion them into the shape of another Caftner as opposed to a humanoid one and get them to follow him. It proved enough to lead them out.

The three who had been to the chamber before then pictured it in their minds as best they could, making the stone around them form tunnels that would take them to the room where the Caftner had been laid to rest. On reaching the mausoleum, Erwyn looked around at the strange writing that encircled the room, eyes wide, and jotted some of them down in his notebook. Some of the more damaged Caftner, that hadn’t been fit for battle, were still wandering around on the leafy floor. The others didn’t take long in joining them.

Ditto managed to put her own inscription into the wall, one that read “Here lie the Caftner. Five of us passed through here. We didn’t know them, but they came to our help, and we are very grateful.” Beneath it, Voski made a little mural of a bunch of them beating up the Morkoth. For a very brief moment, Zikt’s shape rematerialized in the room, just long enough to use their mental communication abilities to thank each of them in turn.

Ready to leave the caves below the demiplane, the party directed their next tunnels towards the nearest entrance, which had a sheer drop above them to lead them to the door. In a moment of invention, Voski suggested to the others trying to make a moving platform up in much the same way they’d moved the bridge. With everyone (except, again, for Erwyn) making the push, the idea was successful. She idly played some music on her still-soggy lute on the way up.

This was a different door than they had entered through, so it was still shut. Kriv and Voski were only mildly successful in getting it to move at all, so Ditto tried casting Levitate on it, allowing the paladin to push it open. They emerged in a muggy, ruinous environment, with crumbling infrastructure that had clearly just been placed there for enrichment purposes. Voski said she wasn’t at all interested in investigating the area (though Erwyn, when she said this, looked slightly disappointed) and contacted Auntie, letting her know where they were and that they’d like to travel across the coastline. She was told that could be arranged, but they would, however, need to travel through this section fully.

Erwyn was trailing behind by quite a lot as they walked, and Ditto made an effort to stay relatively close to him, which meant that when a very large bird, resembling the cockatrices but much larger, came up behind the party, it was able to envelop them both in its feathers. It let out a very loud noise, alerting the others, but the two of them were already trapped behind its wings -- eliciting a very resigned “C’mon!” from Kriv.

Voski Messaged Erwyn to try to ask if he was alright, which he confirmed, and then described the bird to him, asking if he had any idea what it was. He didn’t, in part due to receiving a very vague description. Ditto tried to worm out of its grip, but it successfully pushed her back inside. Kriv shouted at Erwyn to ask if he could talk to it, but he cast Speak With Animals to no avail. However, at the same time he cast the spell, a large raven appeared on his shoulder, stared him in the eyes, and cried out “The visions that your mother saw were not misplaced. You are destined for greatness, but whether great heroism or great destruction remains to be seen.”

With everyone else baffled as to where the noise had come from (Erwyn only offered “There are more birds,” sounding somewhat distraught), Voski contacted Auntie again, asking her what the big bird’s name was. She was told her name was Doomhackle, and that the best way to deal with her would be to tell her who was boss. She closed the conversation off by asking if Doomhackle talked, but was puzzled to learn the answer was no. 

Stepping back, Voski stared the bird down and said, in a perfect imitation of Auntie Eyren’s voice “Doomhackle! Those aren’t yours. Get off of them!” before proceeding to make identical chicken noises to the ones the bird had been making right back at her. She had to keep up the scolding voice for a bit, but eventually it was enough to get the broody creature to let Erwyn and Ditto go -- after which the raven on Erwyn’s shoulder swooped away dramatically. Doomhackle kept trying to preen their hair (Ditto shuffled away, but Erwyn seemed like he was dead to the world), and Voski had to chastise the bird more to get her to finally back off. 

They started moving again, with Doomhackle needing to be pushed back because she now wanted to follow Voski, but it wasn’t long before Erwyn, who was now just staring into space instead of watching his feet, tripped over a rock. He landed flat in the dirt and Kriv had to help him up. Doomhackle, too, was still trailing behind them, which meant that Voski kept having to turn around and make disapproving bird noises at her. One time while she did this, Ditto briefly Minor Illusion-ed some feathers on the back of her head, which Tiktik found very amusing.

No further incidents occurred as they passed into the next piece of territory, which was coastal as promised, or, in fact, in the next several that they passed through. The most eventful sights were some large aquatic reptiles in the nearby ocean, and some strange birds flying out to sea. It was only when the party reach the last section before Auntie’s place, the same one where they had spotted the hyper-realistic statues and strange spots in the rock before, that anything of note occurred -- a young medusa jumping out and yelling “Beware adventurers! I’m gonna turn you all to stone!” 

Her apparent caretaker -- a creature with a mole-like face atop a body that appeared to be made of stone -- scolded her, saying “That’s not how we talk to strangers” while simultaneously keeping his hands over her eyes. He then tiredly apologized to the party while she kept yelling, demanding that they give her treasure for her hoard to keep from being turned into statues. Voski handed her the leftover jelly beholders Ditto had left in her bag, “as tribute,” which seemed to satisfy her. Her caretaker asked if they were friends of Auntie’s, explaining when they replied that he, at least, tended to be fairly wary of people in their sort of attire. He asked them to pass on their greetings to Auntie Eyren, giving his name as Moggy and his charge’s as Malevolina. When the party began to leave, Voski turned to the tiny medusa girl and said “Thanks for sparing us your wrath!” As they walked away, the child could be heard saying “‘Wrath’ is a good word, I should use it more often.”

The rest of the trip to Auntie Eyren’s home was short, and it wasn’t long before they arrived at the large circular hedge, the Inevitable still moping about outside. Having already been told they’d completed their mission by Voski, Auntie greeted them enthusiastically and almost immediately asked if she could make them dinner in her cauldron again, having set out some delicate little rolled cookies she claimed had been all the rage last time she spent much time on the Material Plane, though that was some time ago. Kriv informed her he wanted to have a dish he’d tried in Balinvyá shortly before boarding the Kraken’s Beak -- fried squid. Amaranth gleefully requested the same. Voski and Ditto both asked for meals as well -- the latter, whose appetite was usually at least a little more proportional to her size, eating as much as a human -- but Erwyn still seemed to be lost in thought and she had to wave a hand in front of his face to even get his attention. After a bit of prodding she made him the same Elvish meal he’d asked for the other night, though she did keep having to tap him on the shoulder to keep him eating when his attention kept wandering off to nowhere in particular.

The party then asked the hag about some of the magic items they’d picked up. She informed them that the two potions they’d found were a Potion of Hill Giant Strength and a Philter of Love respectively (though she seemed very disdainful of the second one). She was less confident about identifying the odd disc with the crystal inside, warning that confirming her suspicion would be difficult and painful, but said she thought it might be a bionid eye -- a seed which could hatch a seemingly-engineered mantis-like warrior if someone were tempted to touch the gem in the middle, bonding with them in a way that wouldn’t go very well for the victim.

When Ditto asked what needed to be done with the fragment of the demiplane’s heart they’d contained, Auntie told the party that, if they wanted it, they could keep it. Explaining that it could be bound to a person, place, or thing, via a not impossibly complicated process, it would allow the party to have their own, albeit small, demiplane that would grow from the fragment. Curious in learning the process, Ditto watched intently while the hag scribed the instructions down.

The wizard also mentioned her strange beholder dreams to Auntie Eyren, wondering if maybe she had any better idea of what was going on with her strange beholder dreams. The hag appeared thoughtful and went to make them both tea, offering Ditto a mug that was the size of the gnome’s head. She asked her if the dreams felt like memories. She replied that she was unsure, only that she had some idea what was causing them -- having breathed in the spores around the eye stalk she’d come across in Soreth. She asked Erwyn for confirmation and while he was still very distant, after a bit of trying to get his attention he admitted he didn’t know much about spores, just people who’d come across dead beholders having reported similar experiences. Auntie explained it was very good that Kriv had healed Ditto, when told about the incident, because such spores could be deadly if left unchecked.

When Ditto explained what the beholder in her dreams looked like (courtesy of the tiny singing copies that surround it) -- leathery reddish-purple skin, slitted pupils, and anglerfish-like teeth -- Auntie commented that it might just be a really weird beholder. Mostly because of the singing. This case did seem a little odd. She admitted, however, that dreams weren’t entirely in her wheelhouse, and Ditto might do better to talk to her sister, who was a night hag, and wrote her a letter that should convince her to talk to them should they ever be able to come across her. She also offered for the Baku to try eating her nightmares that evening.

Back on the subject of things they’d found in the Morkoth’s lair, Amaranth pulled out the magical dagger Erwyn had handed her and asked if she knew anything about it. Auntie admitted to not knowing much about weapons -- which also meant she wasn’t able to give Erwyn much information on the arrow that he’d found -- and couldn’t help much there. When Erwyn pulled out the Abyssal scroll, saying he intended to translate it later but would appreciate a second opinion, she was surprised by the fact that he’d implied he would be able to read it. But she offered to help him work on the translation, and went about setting some wards, just in case. She said that something about the black scroll felt familiar, but she couldn’t really place it, before turning to Erwyn and saying  “‘Kay, kid, you ready?”

It was only a few minutes into trying to read the scroll that Erwyn’s nose started bleeding profusely. When asked if he was alright, he said this wasn’t the first time Abyssal had done this to him, but that he’d like to continue working on it, so the hag went to grab him a handkerchief. As they worked, he continued to bleed significantly enough that Kriv had to dip into his healing supplies and keep handing Erwyn gauze as the elf developed a worse and worse headache and started to sway significantly.

The scroll seemed to be a sort of a profile of a specific layer of the Abyss, for whatever measure the Abyss actually had real layers. Whenever Erwyn tried to read the number, his head would hurt and swim even more, never quite bringing it into focus. It made vague attempts at taxonomy of largely less-powerful demons, but again, when dealing with that degree of chaos there was a lot of ambiguity. While they worked, Ditto turned Tiktik into a cat to cuddle with them and Voski sort of browsed the room. When the translation work was over, Amaranth put a hand on Erwyn’s shoulder and asked if he needed to lie down. Which he did immediately.

While Auntie Eyren shuffled around undoing the sigils, Voski asked Erwyn what they’d learned. He described it as a sort of field guide, but when she asked if he really wanted to hang onto it, gesturing to his position on the floor, he maintained that he did, on the chance that this sort of knowledge was hard to come by. Amaranth commented that he wouldn’t have to read it again to get the knowledge, but Erwyn somewhat sadly said that no, usually for knowledge to be of use to him he would have to read it quite a few times.

Finally, Voski asked about the gauntlet she’d found -- not that it had registered as magical, but because she wanted to make sure it was safe. There didn’t seem to be anything worrying about it, but Auntie did describe it as “good for punching someone at a fancy shindig.”

Auntie Eyren helped Erwyn up off the floor, somewhat nervously hovering over him as everyone got ready to wind down for the night. On her lawn as the party started settling in, Voski sat down to restring her water-damaged lute with the arcane strings she’d picked up at the Goblin Market. Ditto was excitedly writing in the Tome of Mynskay about all their necromantic encounters when Kriv wandered over to Amaranth and handed her the Potion of Hill Giant Strength, recognizing that she was the party member who would probably need it most. The Baku was lead out to help Ditto, and Amaranth excitedly greeted the creature as it trundled over. It waved its trunk in return.

In the morning, Kriv got up to talk to Auntie a little early, while Erwyn was the only other person up, asking if there was some way out of the demiplane other than using the lake. He was disappointed to learn she didn’t think there was. Once the whole party was awake, she made them all breakfast in the cauldron again. As they headed out, Erwyn sheepishly mentioned that he didn’t have any water-breathing lozenges left, having used both his the two times he had to face the Morkoth. Kriv offered him one of the two extras he had, originally reserved for Volfred.

Voski asked Auntie Eyren what the cause of a breach like the one that they’d seen in the demiplane could be on a place like the Material Plane and was told that they generally occurred in places with high concentrations of magic, especially written magic, as well as places with a strong emotional history. When Erwyn asked her if it would be possible to tune into something like that, sensing them the same way he’d picked up on the disturbance in the caves, she answered that it probably would -- though was surprised to learn that Erwyn had the ability in the first place. Voski also asked if they could get some sort of confirmation from her that they’d returned the favor they’d been sent to, and when Auntie agreed, drew up a contract for her to sign.

As the party was leaving, Ditto flew over and hugged the hag tightly, saying  “Can I just say that I am so glad we met you? You are, like, so cool!” The hug was returned as gently as Auntie Eyren could manage (which wasn’t the gentlest). The party waded out into the middle of the pond as she watched, putting the water breathing lozenges in their mouths. Erwyn reached out the pat the giant frogs, which croaked at him.

They swam upwards and back on the Material Plane, emerging to see the sun higher in the sky than it had been on the other side. It appeared to be more like mid-day than early in the morning. Gilly greeted the party, asking how their trip was. They gave mixed responses. Erwyn asked her how many times the sun had passed by, and Gilly told them it had been about seven, meaning that time must have passed faster outside of the demiplane than in it. As the party debated exactly how long, Gilly commented “You all count so many things. Do you enjoy it?” Voski started to say something, but Kriv cut her off with a quick “No” and Gilly high-fived him. As they headed off, Amaranth turned around and winked at Gilly, who guffawed and winked back.

Deciding they wanted to head back to Folly’s End and see if there was any new information from the kobolds, or if Krys was back from talking to colleagues at the learnstead, the party planned to again spend the night in Little Haven and hopefully make there by the next evening. Kriv cast Aid on Erwyn, Amaranth, and Ditto again, and they set off. Lurking shadows darted along the sides of the path, but none made moves to attack them in the sunlight.

Once in Little Haven they stopped at the general store, where a few party members picked up rations, Ditto got more incense for spellcasting, and Kriv stocked up on supplies for his healer’s kit. When he stepped up to pay, the shopkeeper, a middle-aged half-elven man, asked if Kriv knew medicine, and when he answered affirmatively was informed that Mella (the innkeeper’s wife) and her baby had both fallen ill, and the whole town was worried. He suggested they head over there and see if anything could be done.

The inn proved more somber than the last time they’d been there. Elberth waved half-heartedly at Ditto as they entered, and agreed to take them back to the family’s living space when they explained why they were there. Bez seemed hopeful when told Kriv was there to help. The paladin cast Detect Poison and Disease in the room, picking up on a magical ailment that was affecting the mother and baby. He asked how long they’d been ill for and was told it had been the better part of the week, though for the first few days the ailment would fade as the day went on, only to return in force the next morning.

Krive decided to try casting Lesser Restoration on the baby and, while she had been quiet and listless until that moment, as soon as the spell took hold, she took on more color and started loudly screaming. Everyone was relieved. He apologetically told Mella that he’d only been able to cast a spell that powerful once more today, so she might have to try to hang on until tomorrow. Voski offered to try casting Dispel Magic, but it had no effect. Fortunately, as Kriv went to try to at least bolster her with Lay on Hands, he recalled that if needed, the same ability could be used to cure disease or poisoning. It was successful, and both mother and baby seemed to be doing fine.

Bez gratefully told the party they would have free food and lodging for the night, and asked Kriv to what deity they over the favor. When he replied that he served Bahamut, the man had a momentary look of concern cross his face until Elberth pulled him down and whispered in his ear, correcting the mix-up. Kriv pulled out his holy symbol to reassure him.

Ditto pointed out that since whatever was causing the illness seemed to have been happening at night, it might be wise to set up watched and ensure it didn’t occur again that evening. The family and the others agreed to the idea -- through Kriv explicitly stated that if watches were going to be taken alone, he wanted to be alerted to whatever they found immediately, before things could go too far south. As the party headed out towards the main area of the inn, Erwyn pulled everyone aside and cautiously pointed out that inexplicable, magical diseases were one of the things that could herald a breach from the Abyss growing, and given that they already knew of a demon in the area, it might be worth considering. Everyone else, however, was more skeptical, and ultimately even he admitted it was just a hypothesis. Ditto teased Kriv, saying “Hey, looks like someone’s a hero!” -- to which he replied “Slow down.”

Kriv took the first watch, where he didn’t notice anything, but Voski was up second and shortly after Bez had to take the baby outside of the room due to her fussing, she noticed the lantern in the bedroom dimming before snuffing completely out. She cast Message up at Kriv immediately, letting him know what had happened, and he woke the others to lead them downstairs. He used his Divine Sense as they approached the room, picking up on some kind of undead presence. Still in the room, Voski tried casting Dispel Magic to see if it would do anything, but it had no effect. She then cast Dancing Lights to try to get a better look, and saw a small humanoid creature with spiky teeth that screamed loudly at her, temporarily stunning both her and everyone approaching from outside the room that could hear it. She caught only a glimpse of the tiny figure dashing out into the woods.

When Voski described the creature to the others, Ditto recalled a kind of undead that the Tome of Mynskay had described to her, formed from the spirits of abandoned children that were, in a twisted way, looking for homes. They were known to afflict young mothers and children, and the only real way for someone to deal with one without killing it would be to offer it the sense of belonging that it was searching for. This left everyone at a bit of a loss, because no one seemed to think they were in a good position to do that. But ultimately, with the creature vanished into the forest, the best they could do was to deal with it in the morning, and Ditto offered to put up some of the wards against undead that the Tome had taught her.

[eggymovies]

Favorite Movies of 2019

Last year I used this space to post a list and short write-up of my favorite movies of 2018. This year, I’ll be doing the same a bit. I’m not much of a writer, just someone who likes movies and wants other people to like them too.

I went to the movies 101 times and watched about 250 movies in total between the theater and home viewings. Two highlights of non-2019 movies that I discovered for the first time this year and haven’t stopped thinking or talking about: Teddy Bear (10 timer til Paradis) (available on Amazon Prime)

Somewhere (rent it on iTunes, Amazon, or anywhere)

I’d also like to use this space to praise Cold War, which was distributed after my 2018 list came out but would have made it to the top 5 of the year. An achingly romantic epic (though only 88 minutes in length) directed by Polish master-filmmaker Pawel Pawlikowski, who won the best foreign film Oscar for 2013′s Ida, Cold War depicts the tragic love story of two musicians spanning multiple decades in post-WWII Europe. It’s available for free on Amazon Prime.

Alright... here is my top 20 films of 2019 list, which changed yesterday, will change a little tomorrow, and will look completely different in a year: 20. Toy Story 4

A perfect end to a near-perfect franchise. I’m not sure anyone believed this would be more than a cash-grab, but Pixar employed it’s flagship franchise and characters to explore ideas about growing up and letting go. That might sound like a rehash TS3, but the fourth installment proved itself unique and worthy of addition to the canon. Let’s just hope Disney/Pixar ends things here. 

19. Wild Rose

One of the strongest performances of the year, Jessie Buckley is enough to vault this pretty good movie into my top 20. A troubled young woman recently released from a Scottish women’s prison attempts to follow her dream of becoming a famous Nashville country singer. If that’s not enough to compel you to watch this film (streaming on Hulu), at least watch the music video for Glasgow, an original song from the film that is also one of my favorite songs of the year. 

18. Triple Frontier

If you know me at all, you should have seen this coming. Oscar Isaac, Ben Affleck, Charlie Hunnam, Garret Hedlund and Pedro Pascal (whom Netflix is smart enough to not hide behind armor and a helmet) are former Special Forces soldiers who team up to rob a South American crime boss. What seems like a typical heist movie about one more job surprises half way through by turning into a film about survival at any cost. The Metallica needle-drop as a helicopter flies over a South American highway and mountain range all but cemented this movie’s place on this list. I have no shame.

17. Us

The first time I saw Jordan Peele’s follow-up to 2017′s breakout hit Get Out, I liked it a lot and ached for a second viewing to pick up on all the easter-eggs and deeper meaning behind his choices. On second viewing every choice was cheapened and I found that I liked it less, saddened by what I saw as shallow metaphor and an ending that ripped of Karyn Kusama’s The Invitation. Over the next month or so I found myself telling people that Us was a blast, and that it’s intention was not to be read more deeply, but simply enjoyed as a brilliantly crafted and visually stunning modern horror masterpiece. Then I forgot about it for a few months. I don’t know exactly how I feel now but I know I want to watch it again and that I think about it frequently. 

16. 1917

A lot has been said about the filmmaking and “one-take” effect employed by Roger Deakins (cinematographer) and Sam Menders (director), which is impressive and worthy of the praise it’s received, but I won’t belabor that point. What worked for me was the chemistry between the film’s stars, George MacKay and Dean-Charles Chapman, who help turn a WWI epic into a tender story about friendship and family. A necessary breath of fresh air before the film becomes a somewhat oppressive and stressful POV take on the horrors of war. 

15. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

All hail Mariel Heller, who managed to direct America’s Dad as America’s Friendliest Neighbor without being overly saccharine or sentimental. Vanity Fair’s Kam Collins pointed out that “Close-ups on fred rogers hit different”, which was spot on. Rogers was always seen and felt from a distance, and while we spend a lot of time with him here, Heller’s film isn’t about him but rather his disarming effect on people who met and knew him. Taking the POV of the journalist who is profiling him works wonders.

14. Paddleton

This Netflix film starring Mark Duplass and Ray Romano went mostly ignored or unwatched in 2019 as far as I can tell, but I happened upon it one evening (thanks, algorithms) and was moved by it’s tenderness and Romano’s remarkable performance playing against type. Fans of Duplass’ early career as a mumblecore king will feel at home in this two-hander about best friends and neighbors navigating life as one of them is diagnosed with a terminal illness and plans for assisted-death. Me loving a move about male emotion and processing grief? Shocker. 

13. Midsommar

Speaking of grief, Midsommar hit the zeitgest in July and I’m sure if you’re reading this you already saw it or determined that it wasn’t for you. Someone on a Ringer podcast used the mixed-metaphor “Fish out of water getting shot in a barrel” which perfectly distills the events that transpire when a group of college students travel to Sweden for a midsummer festival that turns into something much, much scarier. It’s not a spoiler, you fucking know things aren’t what they seem. I could go long on Florence Pugh but she’s the performer of the year in my mind. Midsommar, Fighting With My Family (which rocks), Little Women (see below), and in late 2018 in Park Chan-wook’s adaptation of The Little Drummer Girl for AMC which was remarkable and as good as almost any film on this list. 

12. Under the Silver Lake

David Robert Mitchell followed up 2017′s excellent It Follows with this wonderfully weird paranoia soaked Los Angeles neo-noir stone flick. This film shares so much DNA with Chinatown, The Big Lebowski and Inherent Vice, but is it’s own strange exploration of the meaning (or meaningless) of life and art and the world that surrounds us. I’m still not sure I understand what the point was, if there was any at all, but I think that was also the point? You’ll understand what the means after watching the film. Or maybe you won’t. I don’t know, it’s a fun one. 

11. Atlantics

To say much about the plot of Mati Diop’s brilliant debut film Atlantics would be a disservice to anyone who hasn’t seen it. Seriously, it’s on Netflix right now and is a stunning and spooky original story that demands your attention. I can’t stress this enough, the less you know the better. Prepare to be surprised in the best way possible. 

10. Transit

Christian Petzold’s Transit is an unsettling tale about identity and one man’s struggle to find human connection while in the midst of a chaotic attempt to escape a fascist state. Franz Rogowski is hypnotic and Petzold’s choice to film this WWII story set in France without period signifiers has a dizzying effect. Watch it on Amazon Prime right now!

9. Once Upon A Time in Hollywood

There’s been enough discourse around this movie and enough writing on it that I don’t need to get into it. It’s Leo, Brad, and Robbie. It’s LA in 1969. It’s Tarantino. It’s excellent. 

8. Ad Astra

A space movie starring Brad Pitt directed by James Gray. Do I need to say anything else? A movie about a sad man who goes to space to deal with his feelings, much like my favorite film of 2018. 

7. Little Women

Set across two timelines and jumping back and forth between them, Greta Gerwig brings her uniquely nimble and manic energy to this adaption of the classic Louisa May Alcott Novel and it works perfectly. I was disappointed to hear that Gerwig’s follow-up to her perfect debut (Lady Bird) with another hollywood adaptation of Little Women but her take on the store is one of a kind. The murderers row of talent top to bottom doesn’t hurt.

6. The Irishman

I can’t believe I doubted Scorsese after seeing the first trailer for The Irishman. How stupid of me and anyone who thought his latest epic wouldn’t be necessary and singular. A brilliant and tender take on the gangster film, Martin Scorsese crafted a film that acts as a sorrowful conversation with his own life and work and the careers of the three men at the center of this story. De Niro and Pacino are incredible, but Pesci is otherworldly. Lost in the brilliance of those three titans is Stephen Graham’s hilarious and devilishly mean and charismatic supporting performance.

5. Parasite

Nearly unanimous praise has been showered on Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite, and this masterpiece is somehow still underrated. It’s funny and thrilling and perfect. I don’t need to convince you, you’ve already heard it all. If you haven’t seen it, go now. If you have seen it, see it again.

4. Pain & Glory

Pain & Glory is a brightly colored and tender reflection on the director’s childhood and ouvre. Banderas’ awe-inspiring turn as a stand-in for the director, master Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar, is smart and sweet and devastating.

3. Marriage Story

I love Noah Baumbach’s films (Frances Ha, Meyerowitz Stories, Kicking and Screaming), unless I hate them (Greenberg, Mistress America, Margot at the Wedding). And even when I hate them, I revisit them constantly and think about them with more frequency than many movies I love. He already made one of the best divorce films ever (The Squid and the Whale) and redirects his acerbic wit and cynical view of people’s motivations and love toward the process of uncoupling (and to some extent, the city of LA). There’s something ultimately hopeful and light about Baumbach’s view of humanity and love here, even as we watch both deteriorate through most of the film. Driver and Johansson are terrific. 

2. Uncut Gems

A24 made a movie starring Adam Sandler centered around the outcome of a 2012 Boston Celtics playoff game that co-starred Lakeith Stanfield. If you didn’t know this movie existed, you’d think it came from a dream I had. It did not. Tense, tight, terrifying and hilarious, I saw this twice in theaters and will see it again. This is the Josh and Benny Safdie’s Goodfellas, and they will win an Oscar in 20 years for a movie that is less daring and less original and we will all look back on this year as the moment we failed to realize the torch had been passed. 

1. The Farewell

The Farewell starts by announcing it is “Based on an actual lie” and from those opening frames you know you’re in masterful hands. A heart-wrenchingly sweet and somber film filled with humor and honesty, it is the story of a family choosing to hide the matriarch’s cancer diagnosis from her so she can live out her final days without the anxiety and stress of knowing. Awkwafina, in a wonderful performance playing against type, is the Chinese-American granddaughter who struggles to find her place in the narrative her family is creating, torn between her ties to her Chinese heritage and American identity, feeling like the other in both worlds she inhabits. I have been unable to shake many moments in this film from my mind and would wholeheartedly recommend to anyone and everyone I know. It will not disappoint.

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #117: Enlightenment.

Written: 6/5/2017                                                                              Nature Week

Staring up at the mountain, Richard knew that he was finally close to enlightenment. All he had to do was climb it, was to conquer it, and then he could connect with the world, could figure out what the meaning was behind anything in his life. It had seemed like no matter what he did, there was always misfortune in his life, everything good had to leave him in a terrible fashion. It got to the point where he had started to avoid everything that seemed like it would be good for him, because he started to be afraid of how he would lose it, but that was before he learned that he was spiritually imbalanced, that was before he realized that he had been disconnected by nature. This was first discovered at his career, back in his old life, as an accountant. Pouring over tax forms, staring at nothing but numbers and numbers and numbers, form after form after form, he realized that humans were never supposed to live like that, everything about his work began to seem artificial, cold, soulless, and even a little sinister in a way. Weren’t we all supposed to be animals? Didn’t we come from the wild? How could humans be natural creatures, be just another animal like dogs or snakes, but are still wrapped up in a cold and mechanical lifestyle? What happened to foraging for food, to mating calls, to wandering around among plants and other animals, probably shitting wherever or eating bugs, whatever animals are supposed to do. In Richard’s defense, he was an accountant, not an anthropologist. Facts and numbers were all that he really knew. There was a code to everything, everything was systematic in his world, there was no room for abstraction, the only gray that he had to deal with was the carpet of his office, and his forms, whenever it turned out that the printer was running out of ink. And he knew that his ideas of humanity were probably a little silly to some who knew better, but gosh darn it, he was trying, and that’s what counted! He was finally putting in the effort to dig himself out of the numerical hole that he had been buried into, he was finally screaming that he was alive, that he didn’t have to be buried just yet. Those were the actual words he used when he quit his job. He walked right up to his boss and said, “I’m alive god damn it, and I don’t need to be buried just yet”, then slammed his formal resignation down onto the desk. Startled by this sudden burst of emotion, especially since everyone in the office seemed either stressed or bored all of the time, as if there were no other emotional states possible, the boss picked up the resignation and checked to see if it was filled out properly. “This just says: Up yours accounting”, pulling the paper closer to his face, “And there seems to be a drawing of a, um..”, turning the paper around and pointing to crude lines at the bottom of the paper, some of them straight, some of them bent and curved, “What is this supposed to be?” “Forget what it was supposed to be! What matters is that it looks like shit! I can’t draw at all , all I can do is punch in numbers and, so much fucking excel, and, and, I’m out of here! I’m not staying for one minute longer, I have to see the world, I have to know my purpose!” He then turned and briskly left the office, fists shaking at his sides. His boss remained at his desk, confused, and tried to figure out what any of that meant, but his story comes later. Richard didn’t know how he was supposed to find enlightenment, and it was a thought that worried him, because he wasn’t sure if that would effect his after life, if he even had one. He didn’t even understand why he was supposed to be on Earth, why he was even alive, or why he had spend so many years focusing on numbers, working away in that cubicle of his, hiding away from anything that could cause him misfortune until he realized that the hiding was just another misfortune, escaping the problem was just a part of the problem. But how was he supposed to find enlightenment? How was he supposed to figure out the rules of life? After some deep thinking, he figured that people came from nature, so the answer would probably have to be within nature, but what even counted as nature these days? So much was torn apart by people, so much was taken possession of, so what was untouched enough for enlightenment to remain preserved? Suddenly, the answer sprang into his mind: mountains! It was that simple, there were plenty of mountains that were untouched, and all he had to do was climb one, then it would submit to his need for knowledge, and it would share with him what he needed to know, probably. He’d figure out the details once he climbed to the top and mended his soul, so all he had to do was climb it. After his preparations were finished, he announced to everyone that he was leaving and would be back in an unknown amount of time, maybe years, maybe decades, he had no way of knowing, he wasn’t sure if he would want to return to his past life after he finally found an understanding of the world. Before he boarded his plane, he realized that he felt bad for everyone that he was leaving behind, because they would continue to go on with their lives just as he used to, without knowing anything of importance, going through their lives with no meaning, no real purpose. Maybe he would return and show them the way, whatever it turned out to be, so that they could too find the inner, spiritual harmony that he was guaranteed to find. The mountain itself was in some Asian country that he couldn’t remember the name of, or even pronounce. When he attempted to ask people what it was, they only seemed confused with his English, and it made him feel stupid for being unable to talk in the country. It was difficult to find any means of transportation, he had forgotten to exchange his American money, so he had to walk towards the mountain, which took a long while, yet he felt that it was probably the right thing to do anyways. He had heard stories of pilgrims who would crawl to reach places of worship, so what trouble was walking? If anything, it could have seemed lazy, or even insulting for him to walk towards it, and his inability to ask anyone about the proper procedures for enlightenment only made him very self conscious during that walk towards the mountain in the distance. As he moved towards it, he knew that it sure looked special, it sure looked spiritual, even if he didn’t know what the difference was between a spiritual mountain, or one corrupted by man. His best guess was that as long as it hadn’t been turned into a skiing resort, then it was probably natural enough to suit his needs. However, he had doubts as he became closer and closer, because he wasn’t sure if this was the natural spot that he needed. Didn’t humans originally come from the ocean? Should he have gone scuba diving to figure out the way of the world? Weren’t there supposed to be all sorts of strange fish deep down, ones that were largely undiscovered, and untouched by humanity and its artificial ways? Giant squids and glowing fish sure seemed like they were signs of enlightenment, even if he didn’t know what the signs were supposed to be. Yet, he then realized that this was just anxiety, since he didn’t know how much he would be changed by the mountain, he just wanted a reason to go back home and return to the life that he had known, no matter how rotten it had treated him. Because, weren’t all forms of life against nature in a way? Weren’t animals all just organic machines? Sure, they were operated by blood and tendon, but they were still mechanical at the heart of it all. And weren’t machines just humanity’s way of building the world in their own inner image? What difference is there between a computer and a brain, or a heart and whatever is under a car’s hood, he wasn’t an engineer, but the point in his mind was clear. Life had come from a meteor, from somewhere in space, and it was never meant to mix with nature in the first place. Nature is rocks, soil, minerals, just a lot of inanimate objects that are content with sitting around as they float through the void. Life is the opposite, its moving, its complex, its dynamic, it spits in the face of nature. So why go into an ocean just to get further away? For a second, the accountant wondered if he should have gone into a forest, but then he realized that plants were also forms of life, they were just a disease that spread along the world, growing like a mold, or, he guessed that mold was sort of organic too, it was just another example of how awful life could be. The earth should have been nothing but rock and dirt, but instead it had become filled with the organic plague. So, by the time he had finally reached the mountain, he was comforted by its desolate atmosphere, because not only was it devoid to life, but it also seemed incredibly hostile towards it. He knew that he had made the right decision, he knew that this would help him figure it all out, to see past the small stuff and understand the big picture behind everything. Climbing the mountain was difficult, especially since it was freezing up there, even though he was wearing multiple layers, and it had become dark by the time that he begun his climb, so the darkness made it difficult to see, on top of the snow that constantly moved around him. However, he hoped that the mountain would be able to tell that he was ready to open his heart, his mind, his soul to what it had to tell him, and he would have to keep climbing until he was able to understand. It seemed that the further up he became colder, had more pain in his joints, and he was getting out of breath quicker and quicker, but he just waved it off as a part of the challenge, one of the trials to finding enlightenment. It was probably just the mountains way of keeping away those who didn’t deserve it, because Richard knew that all you needed to get anything was a little hard work, and a can do attitude. Eventually, climbing started to seem impossible, because the mountain face had become almost completely vertical, it was harder for him to lift his legs, and his hands had numbed, making it difficult for him to get a good grip on the cold stone. So, he decided that he would have to take a break, and would have to start a fire to warm himself, so that he could continue up, but he had a hard time when he tried to remove his knapsack, it had seemed that it had frozen to his shoulders, and his hands were unable to get a firm grip on the straps. It had made him a bit frustrated, but he eventually took it as a sign from the mountain that he didn’t need the fire, that it wanted him to keep climbing. Then, after getting four feet higher, he started to feel a little warm, a little sleepy, and he figured that it must have been the mountains way of telling him that he should get some rest. And why wouldn’t it? He knew of so many religious stories where prophets had received visions in dreams, so why wouldn’t the mountain try to communicate to him in this way? It had no means of speaking on its own, so it would have to make use of visions, and he was excited to be so close to his goal, excited to have returned to nature. It wasn’t a bad way to go, because he never understood that he had been freezing to death, he never understood that he would never wake up from his slumber, that no visions or knowledge would be communicated to him. He was able to pass away during the happiest moment of his life, and in that way he was free from that misfortune that he had been running from. Snow collected over his stiff, pale body, and eventually he was buried at the side of that mountain, where he would remain long after you and I pass away. He had successfully done what he had set out to achieve, he had become one with nature, to the mountain he would be just like the rest of the stone and snow that made it what it was. ——————————————————————————————————— Shortly after Richard had quit his job, had stormed out of the office, his former boss began to call people into his office, to see if they could figure out what the disgruntled, former employee had tried to scribble on his resignation letter, but nobody could come up with a satisfying answer. So, when the day was done, it was placed on the front of the fridge in the break room, where everyone could study it and try to find an answer. It was the most exciting thing that had happened in the office in years, so they paid more attention to it than they should have. After Richard had announced, online, that he was going away to some mystical, Asian land (eastern Russia), everyone around the office had begun to speculate about what knowledge he may discover, and some people were convinced that he would become a monk, and end up living in Tibet. As the years passed, and no news had been received about him, the mystery only grew, and he became somewhat of a legend around the office, where almost everyone still worked. One day, somebody new had been hired, and they heard speculation in the break room, “I heard that he’s one of the pope’s advisers.” “Where’d you hear that?” “Well, okay, I didn’t really hear it from anyone, but, I mean, its Richard we’re talking about, he could be doing anything.” “Wait”, asked the new hire, “who is Richard?” “Oh, shit, you don’t know, do you? He was an accountant here a while back, he was always an interesting guy, everyone could feel it. He just had this aura about him, you know? He was really wise, and a lot of people were too intimidated to talk to him, because he could reveal your inner character with only a few words, and it was always startling to have your true self revealed. It was like he would separate your social self and your subconscious, and the two of you would have to, like, stare at each other, and it would be strange to see how foreign you were to each other.” “Are you fucking with me?” “Okay, he may have been exaggerating, like a lot, but he really was an interesting guy. He was an accountant, that much was right, but one day he got so fed up with the office life, and he left it all behind to go seek out spiritual enlightenment. Nobody’s heard from him since, but we all know that he’s doing something great out there, everyone sort of just wishes that they could do the same, but it takes a special sort of person to be able to leave everything behind like that. Most people get tied down with life, like, like that story where the guy goes to the island with all of the tiny people, and they tie him down to the beach? Its like that, but every rope is something else, like student loans, or having a family, or medical bills, or whatever. I don’t need to explain that part to you, but he was basically somebody who was able to stand up, easily, no matter how many ropes he had on him. I guess I’m trying to say that he had a strong character, and it allowed him to transcend this drab office lifestyle.” “Why is everyone here trying to speak so, so-” “Oh, yeah, that. You’ll get used to it, maybe you’ll pick up on it too. Everyone here hopes that they could have the same ‘spiritual harmony’ that Richard had, they hope that they will be able to do the great things that he’s been able to do all around the world. Did you know that he was able to meditate for thirty straight days in the middle of the most unforgivable desert in the world, but he was able to survive because he had an amazing control of his body, he was at harmony with it, so he was able to absorb the moisture in the air so that he would never dehydrate. He didn’t have to eat, because he used up no energy whatsoever, because of that harmony. After he came out of the meditation, he was able to find the answer for world peace, but it was in a spiritual language that would cause the unenlightened masses harm if they ever heard a word of it spoken. Its a language used by shamans who are one with nature, by creatures on the astral plane who are all around us, but we cannot see. One man, he was young and college age, demanded for Richard to tell him the answer, but he refused because not only would it bring harm to the kid, but he also only wanted to know for the wrong reasons. He knew the kid couldn’t give two shits about world peace, he only wanted to know for himself, so that he could be remembered as the world’s savior. The kid was black hearted inside, he was a misguided nihilist, and he was afraid because he believed that there was no afterlife, as foolish as that is. He was hoping that his legacy would bring him an immortality that his philosophy could not, so Richard refused to tell him. But every day the kid persisted, and he kept it up for months, years, he followed the enlightened man everywhere he went. Eventually the kid gained followers in every town they traveled through, and they all believed his lies, they believed that the kid had a strong enough will to not be harmed by the words, and they began to praise him as a prophet, but a false one. So eventually the mob swelled, and they all demanded that Richard tell the kid, because they believed him to be selfish, they believed that he was hoarding away the answer because he had no care for anyone in the world, then Richard had to give in. He would have let the mob tear him apart if they only threatened violence, because he knew what lies in the after life, he’s been there plenty of times before, but the problem was that the mob was devoted to lies, to hatred, and he had to right that wrong. So, he bowed his head in submission, then leaned towards the false prophet, and whispered the answer. Before the eyes of the crowd, as Richard began to sob, the false prophet began to rapidly age until he was a shriveled old man who didn’t have the strength to stand. He said that he was dying, that he was too old and it was his time to leave. The crowd begged to know what the answer was, they were seeing him as a martyr, somebody who gave their life for peace, but he only looked up at them with a pained look on his face. He said, ‘I can’t remember’, he said, ‘It was as if I heard it a lifetime ago, in a dream’, and with those final words he passed away.” “Are you, what’s-” “Oh, don’t worry guy, you’ll get used to it. It seems silly at first, but that’s only because your perception of the world is still clouded by the lies of society. The first step is realizing and admitting that you don’t know anything, because that’s the only way that you will be open enough to learn. That’s what Richard realized, and that’s what allowed him to climb the holy mountain and see the face of god.” “You tell it girl!” “See, when he had reached the mountain, the townsfolk had warned him that it was an impossible task. They even mocked him, because he was just a meek and lowly accountant, a frail and nerdy man from a far away land, who was out of his element. They told him to return to what he knew, they told him that his world was just numbers, and that this world wasn’t for him. But they didn’t know that his heart was true, and they were shocked when he stripped naked and walked towards the mountain. And when I say naked, I mean that he was all skin. The man even had shaved beforehand, so that he didn’t even have any hair to provide him with warmth, but thats what’s important. You come into this world covered in slime, and without any hair on your body. You’re smooth and pure. And so, for him to enter the world of spiritual enlightenment, for him to be reborn, he had to remove his clothes, his hair, so that he could cover himself in the slime of knowledge. The locals believed him to be a madman, they began to grow worried for his safety and begged him to not go to the mountain, but he was determined and nobody was able to stand in his way. Eventually they grew annoyed, so they mocked him for being so foolish, but he forgave them because they were unable to understand their own ignorance. Then he went and he climbed the mountain-” “Well, it wasn’t climbing-” “Oh yeah, sorry. He walked up the mountain. Like, it was 100% vertical, it formed a 90 degree angle with the ground, and he just walked right up it, his eyes closed, and the villagers watched in amazement as he disappeared into the clouds. And what’s also amazing about the task was that he had a healthy, warm color to his body, as if he was unable to feel the cold at at. There were no goosebumps on his skin, and his penis didn’t shrink up inside of him. They waited for him to return for a month, and finally, exactly 31 days later, he walked down the side of the mountain, this time with a full on tan. None of them could believe it. He told them that he had seen the face of the god of this world, and he declared that all of the worlds religions had been wrong, that he knew the answer, and they asked him what it was. But he only frowned, he looked truly sad, and he told them that he couldn’t tell them, because if they heard it their heads would explode into a pasty mix of blood, tissue, bone, mucus, hair, like, their heads would explode and liquefy, but the villagers still demanded to hear, and with that he smiled, because they were ready to be enlightened, no matter what the cost.” “So what did he do?” “Oh, he told them, and then everyone in the village’s head splattered everywhere, even the dogs that they had for hunting. I heard that if you go there, all of that paste is still frozen to the exteriors of those abandoned huts.” “What, okay, so first off this doesn’t sound real, I don’t know how, okay, okay, never mind. Don’t look at me like that. I’m new, I’m willing to learn if that’s how I’m supposed to keep this stable job without everyone hating me. So why was he alright with killing the village?” “Well, because of the afterlife. He allowed them to be enlightened, and now they have it good in the astral plane, in the realm beyond. And its okay, everyone was skeptical at first, but you’ll learn, you’ll learn.” “Oh, what about the time that Richard ate the storm?” “No, wait, I have a better story of his. Okay, new guy, one time Richard had been staying with some rich guy, somewhere foreign and exotic where they don’t understand Western values.” “Where?” “I don’t know, somewhere on the other hemisphere. That’s not important! So, the guy kept saying that he was the most powerful man in the world, because he was in control of so much oil, and he had owned so many tigers and women. He wanted to know what more to life there was than that. He had told Richard, who was his guest, since all of the most powerful people in the world accept him as their guests-” “Yeah, like the pope.” “Seriously, stop it with your pope conspiracy. Okay, so he told Richard that he was so powerful, and the only reason for that had to be divine intervention. He believed that he had been chosen by his god to be so powerful, and even questioned if he was a god himself. He believed that it was meant to be like that, and in every reality there was a version of him, who was in the same position of power, because he had the spirit of a king, but just in a time without kings. So, Richard put his palm on the guy’s forehead, and the man saw that this was the only reality where-” “Wait, there are other realities?” “Shh! Let me finish! So, he sees that this is the only reality where he’s so powerful, and in most of the other realities he is actually a servant for the boy that cleans his toilet. He realizes that he really has the spirit of a beggar, and that he is lucky to be in the position of power that he’s currently in. He dropped to his knees and began to weep, and decided that he would have to make a change.” “So what did he do?” “Oh, he fed the boy, the one with the king’s spirit, to a tiger and threw a party that lasted for a year. When it was over they had learned that he died within the first two months, liver failure, but nobody had noticed for a long while. Richard said that the man’s punishment was that he had to live out all of his servant lives, so that he could learn-” “Wait, is this a cult?” “No, but don’t worry, some people think that at first.” “Oh, what about the time that Richard solved the cold war?” “No, tell the one about the time he cured AIDS victims in the South American hospital.” “What about the time he taught an elephant how to speak?”