#also still working through art block agh

[wormspoodle]

some 2012 doodles

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

cats and babies

This is the first piece I’ve ever written so if anyone sees this be nice pls and thank u

There could be typos/ weird formatting, this was typed entirely on my phone

I also feel the need to say all of my medical knowledge is from Grey’s anatomy and googling things I saw on grey’s anatomy so this is probably not that accurate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

Word count: 6,160

Warnings: Car accidents, blood, angst (but with a v happy ending ofc bc sad endings are Not For Me), hospitals/medical stuff, again a very happy ending, I would like to emphasize the happy ending so no one gets scared away from reading this, did I mention there’s a happy ending?

"So, what'd'ya say? Chinese?"

They were deciding where to go for dinner after a long day of touring their favorite art museums. Harry and Y/N had been dating about two years now, and (cheesy as it sounds) they loved each other more and more every day. 

"Chinese sounds great," Y/N smiled, glancing over at Harry. The golden sun reflected off his curls, making him look absolutely angelic. 

He smiled, which turned into a chuckle, which turned into full blown laughter. She was confused. "What is it?" What's so hilariou- eyes on the road!!" 

"Sorry, sorry," he laughed. "Nothing, just- do you-" he breathed slowly, calming down a bit. "Do you remember the first time we had Chinese food? She blushed, laughing with him at the memory. 

Their first date had been... disastrous, to say the least. They had both been nervous, but both trying to act confident. They had decided on a nice, fancy, black tie restaurant, and Y/N was excited. When he picked her up in a limousine, she was hardly unable to contain herself.

However, their plan fell apart almost from the beginning. When they got to the place, a big red sign read "CLOSED FOR REPAIRS"

"Ooook... that's... weird," Y/N had grimaced. "What should we do now?" 

"Uh... we could... try the one a few blocks over? Yeah, that's a good place too, I know the owner. He always has a table for me. That'll work!"

Y/N hasn't quite cared about the wrench thrown into their plans. She really liked Harry so far, and she though he liked her too. So she chirped "Sure! Sounds great."

She hadn't noticed how embarrassed he looked when he opened the car door for her. He couldn't believe his luck! He was finally on a date with a girl he really liked, really wanted to impress, and the best restaurant in town closed with no notice? How could this happen? But he shook it off, climbing in after her and alerting the driver of their change of plans. 

When they got to the next place, Harry immediately got worried. It looked very crowded, and while the owner usually held a table for Harry, it didn't seem so tonight. 

He pulled out his phone.

"Hey, Luke! Yeah, I'm great! Listen, do you by any chance have a table-" He paused, and then his face fell. His voice kept its happy tone, though. "No, no problem at all, I understand. Yeah, for sure, a different night. Thank you!" He hung up, looking more than a little dejected. 

Y/N put a hand on his arm. "It's ok, I promise. I swear I didn't just agree to go out with you for the fancy food. We can go anywhere, 'Im really not upset!" 

"Agh, thank you. You're very sweet. But really, you deserve a fancy place. Only it seems everyone in the world is determined to make sure we don't get to do that," He huffed. "Maybe..." And he pulled out his phone again. He glanced at her curious face. "How do you feel about Chinese?" He asked sheepishly.

  Y/N beamed. "I love it," and there was no trace of insincerity on her face. 

"Right then, Chinese it is!" he found the closest place on his phone, telling the driver the address.

After a few minutes of eating, Y/N looked around the table for a fork. She could handle big foods, like the chicken, with the chopsticks, but definitely not the rice. 

Harry asked what she needed. She was a bit embarrassed to tell him she wasn't good enough with chopsticks to eat her rice, but he was kind about it. He helped show her how to use them without making too big of a mess. Still, she dropped half her plate on a napkin in her lap. 

At the end of their meal, Y/N burst out laughing when she picked up her napkin. Harry looked at her, confused, until she placed what was basically a full serving of rice on the table. He was also unable to contain his laughter, to which Y/N responded by throwing a few grains of rice at him. 

He threw a balled up napkin at her, and she blew a straw wrapper in his face. This escalated until she splashed what was left of her water glass on him. There was stunned silence for a moment, and Y/N thought she went too far. Then he looked at her and burst into laughter. She sighed in relief, laughing with him. "I'm sorry, that was too much," but she couldn't keep the smile off her face at the sight of the water dripping down his face.

"A little water never hurt anyone," he said, his eyes twinkling as he splashed her with his own water. 

Y/N was pulled from the happy memory of their first date when the car skidded on the ice. 

"Careful... if I'd known it was this slippery we'd have found a closer place," she said nervously.

"Nah, we've talked about this, the only good place is the one two towns over. I understand you love Minnesota and all but it is NOT the best place to find good Chinese food," he smirked.

"I will not have this Minnesota slander, not in this house. Maybe you're the issue, with your sophisticated taste and all," Y/N said, laughing at his disgruntled look. "Sophisticated? I took you for Chinese food on our first date. Nothing about that screams "sophisticated" to me." 

"Yeah, but we were dressed VERY fancy. That counts," Y/N laughed. 

"Oh really? that's what makes me sophisticated? alright then, you're right, I'm, extremely-" 

The car slid just a little too far for Y/N's liking. 

"Harry, are you sure it's safe to be driving on this? I think it's getting worse, and- look, it's starting to rain." She checked the weather on her phone. "Yeah, it's at that weird temperature where it's halfway freezing. The road will be worse on the way back." 

"I think we're ok," He reassured her. "The car has 4 wheel drive, and I'll go slow. I think the biggest danger is us not getting our Chinese food," he smiled at her. "Uh, no," Y/N said, rolling her eyes. "I'd say the biggest danger is crashing and dying in a firey car wreck." 

"Always so negative, Y/N," Harry laughed. "We're perfectly fine-" he spoke too soon, because right then the car slid again. A lot, this time. They almost slid right through a stop sign. 

Y/N clutched the armrest. 

"We're almost there, you better not kill me before I get my Chinese food, Styles. I finally know how to eat rice with chopsticks without..." She stopped halfway through her sentence because she was laughing so hard. "Without... dropping all of it on my lap." 

They dissolved into giggles, especially when Harry said, "got any more water to throw at me?" 

The car slid once more, and Y/N felt her pocket nervously. She had bought a ring for Harry. It was nothing too special, but it was the one year anniversary of the first time they had gone to an art museum together. She wanted to commemorate that with something special, so she had gone to the museum gift shop and found the perfect ring. It had a silver band, a little thinner than the rest of his, and a labradorite stone set into it. She thought it would complement his other jewelry nicely. 

She kept her hand on the little box in her pocket, careful not to make Harry suspicious. 

He wasn't looking at her, though; he was completely focused on the road. His hands gripped the wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. Y/N felt a little more nervous seeing this. Harry was an excellent driver, and he usually had one hand on the wheel and the other holding hers. He only gripped the wheel this tightly when he felt unsafe driving. 

Y/N looked out at the darkening sky. She was not a fan of storms, especially ones that make the roads icy. Like a true Minnesotan, she knew that under the right circumstances, a bit of rain could make it nearly impossible to drive.

A car sped past them, almost veering into their lane when it went over a particularly icy patch. 

"Harry, really, I don't know if we should keep going," Y/N said nervously.

"I know, but I'm not sure what we should do. I think it's safer to just keep going and hope the rain stops. We're about 10 minutes away, but if we turn around it's almost a 2 hour drive." 

"Yeah... you're right. It's better to just keep going. Just... go slow," Y/N said, biting the inside of her cheek. 

"Stop doing that," Harry chided in a singsong voice. 

"How can you even tell? you weren't even looking at me," Y/N laughed. 

"I know how you are when you're nervous, Y/N. Biting your cheek won't do anything but hurt." 

Y/N smiled. She had never had someone care this much about her. Someone who knew her this well, almost better than she knew herself. She was so hopelessly in love... 

She was so busy thinking about what she would say when she gave him the ring that she didn't hear the horn blaring. She looked up just in time to see the truck driving straight down the middle of the road towards them. 

She could tell instantly the driver of the truck couldn't do anything. He was sliding on the ice like they had before. Harry jerked the wheel to the right, moving the car out of the way. 

It wasn't enough.

Y/N heard a horribly loud crashing noise, and then there was nothing. 

Y/N shot straight up out of the bed she was in, gasping. Someone put their hands on her shoulders, trying to soothe her and get her to lay back down. She pushed the hands away as her vision came into focus. She was in a room filled with people and noise and 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦.

She panicked for a minute before she realized where she was. Clearly an Emergency Room. There were 4 doctors and nurses around her, checking her eyes, ears, reflexes, pulse, breathing. She threw her arms out to try and get some space. One of the nurses caught her hand, holding it in both of hers. 

"Y/N, you're alright. You're in the hospital. You were in a car accident. Do you have any pain? Whe-"

"Harry! Where's Harry?? I need to see him, I have to, I have to go-" She stuttered as she pushed the doctors away from her, trying to get up again.

  The same nurse held her back.

"Y/N, we need to make sure you're ok before you can get up. If you let us help, you'll be able to see Harry sooner. Can you lay back? Do you have any pain?"

  "No, no I'm fine, I'm ok! I need to see Harry, I need to know if he's ok! Please!" Y/N looked frantically around at the doctors, hoping one of them knew something. 

The doctor who appeared to be in charge ordered, "Someone go get an update on the guy they brought in with her. See how he's doing." 

"Thank you, thank you so much," Y/N breathed, finally laying back. 

"There we go. Do you have any pain Y/N?" The nurse asked again. 

"No, I'm totally fine. I'm- " Y/N brushed her hair out of her face. When are brought her arm down, she saw that her hand was covered in blood. "I'm bleeding!" She cried, panicking. 

"It's ok, it's not too bad," one of the doctors said, examining her head. "It looks like it'll need maybe 5 or 6 stitches. We can fix that up right away." 

Y/N closed her eyes. How had this happened? Harry moved the wheel, she knew he did. How had they crashed this badly? 

The doctor who had been sent to check on Harry came back into the room. Y/N snapped her eyes open, looking at her expectantly.

"He is stable. That's the important thing right now. However, he's been pretty badly injured. He broke his femur and clavicle. He has a small brain bleed, and he is covered in cuts from the glass. He's also pretty bruised from the airbag and seatbelt. He is intubated, because he was having some trouble breathing. He might need surgery to repair the brain bleed, but right now they're waiting and hoping it will get better on it's own." 

Y/N exhaled. "But... he's ok? I mean... he's alive?" 

The doctor smiled. "Yes. He's doing ok." 

Y/N finally allowed herself to breathe. She noticed she was crying but she didn't do anything to wipe her tears away. 

"Ok, Y/N," said the doctor stitching up her face. "I'm finished here. You need to stay here for a little while longer so we can monitor you. There is an IV in your arm to keep you hydrated. If you need anything, call for a nurse. Also, and this is important, don't get out of this bed without someone helping you. You've been through a lot today, but the adrenaline is wearing off, which might make you feel shaky. Do you need anything right now?" 

"No, I'm... I'm fine. Thank you," Y/N said, wiping her eyes. 

After he left her bed, she felt her pocket. She breathed a sigh of relief when she felt the ring still there. Then she mentally kicked herself for being worried about a silly ring when Harry was... no. She wouldn't let herself think that. Harry was 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦. They were both alive, and they were both ok.

About an hour later, a nurse came in. After confirming that she felt totally fine, Y/N anxiously asked when she could see Harry. 

"I'm sorry, the ICU is family only," The nurse said. She really did look sorry, but this did nothing to make Y/N feel better. 

"I- I'm his wife!" Y/N said quickly, not even thinking. She most definitely was 𝘯𝘰𝘵 his wife. She wasn't even his fiancee. She slipped the ring from her pocket onto her finger, then held up her hand to the nurse. 

The nurse pretended not to notice the fact that the ring hadn't been there before, and that the ring was easily a size too big. "Oh! Then of course you can see him," She said, helping Y/N off the bed slowly. "I'll take you to his room." 

"Thank you so much," Y/N said, taking her first few steps slowly. 

"Careful- you're still attached to this IV pole," The nurse said, adjusting the tubing so it wasn't in her way. "You can hold onto it for support- yes, just like that." 

Y/N got more nervous with every step towards Harry's room. What would he look like? Would he be in pain? Would he know who she was? Would he... be mad at her? 

When she walked into his room, she almost started crying all over again. He looked, well, awful. He was covered in cuts and bruises. He had several tubes and wires connected to him, as well as a large tube taped in his mouth. He had a cast on his leg and a sling on his arm.

Y/N looked at the nurse who was taking his vitals. 

"How is he?" She asked in a small voice. 

"He's ok for now. He is stable, which is very good. He's unconscious, but we hope to see him wake up soon. You can sit with him, hold his hand, talk to him. If you need anything, just press the call button." 

She left, leaving Y/N and Harry alone. This time, she really did start crying. This was awful, and it was all her fault. She was the one who wanted to go for Chinese food. She was the one who picked today, the first wintery stormy day of the year to go for a long drive. And now.. 

"Harry... Harry I'm so sorry," Y/N said, sniffling. She held onto his hand, the one that wasn't attached to a broken collarbone.  "This is all my fault, and now you're... and I got off with nothing but a cut on my forehead, and it's not fair and I'm so sorry," She let out a sob. 

She continued on like this, crying and talking and crying some more, for a few hours, before she fell asleep in the chair next to him. She woke up around 9 the next morning with a stiff next and puffy eyes. She looked at his face, still covered in bruises, and kissed his hand. The nurse came in to check on him and told Y/N to go get some breakfast, reminding her that she couldn't care for Harry if she didn't care for herself. Y/N reluctantly agreed, going as fast as she could. The nurse had disconnected her IV sometime in the night, and she could move much faster without it. 

She got back to the room with her bagel and resumed her position in the chair right next to Harry. She talked to him as if he was awake, imagining she heard his beautiful voice responding to her. 

She had managed to keep the crying to a minimum today. She kept telling herself that if- no, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 Harry woke up, she didn't want to look like a monster with red eyes. 

Her phone had been found by some paramedics, so she found Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone online and began to read to him. It was a little weird, but Harry loved these books, especially when he was sick.

Y/N was used to just imagining she heard his voice with her in the room, but suddenly she heard something that wasn't her. She gasped. 

"He's choking!! Nurse!!" She yelled for help, frantically pushing the call button. "Help!" 

Several nurses rushed in. One ushered Y/N back and out of the room, telling her to give them space to work. 

"What's- What's happening? What are they doing??" Y/N tried to go back in, but the nurse held her shoulders. 

"He's trying to breathe over the tube, Y/N. That's a very good sign. It means he's breathing on his own," The nurse said, trying to keep Y/N calm. 

"Does- does that mean he's waking up?" Y/N asked, not wanting to get her hopes up. 

"Not for sure, but it's a very good sign."

After a few minutes, the nurses came out of Harry's room, looking excited. "Y/N, he's awake! He's very groggy and can't speak yet, but he is definitely awake. You can go in and sit with him again if you'd like. We gave him some more medicine for the pain, so you have about 15 minutes to talk before he starts going a little..." She made a swirling motion next to her head. 

Y/N didn't care if he was high on morphine. She just cared that he was alive and awake and didn't... hate her. 

Harry was laying in the bed, looking at her with great concern in his tired eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but no noise came out. Y/N rushed over to take his hand. 

"It's ok, they said you might not be able to talk for a little while yet. It's ok, I'm here, it's ok," Y/N said, smoothing his hair. 

Harry cleared his throat, coughing. He gestured toward the water cup on his side table. 

"Oh, of course." Y/N picked up the pitcher and poured him a glass, setting it in his good hand. 

He raised the straw shakily to his lips as   Y/N watched carefully to make sure he didn't spill. She gently lifted the cup out of his hands when he held it up to her.

His small smile was enough to make Y/N cry all over again.

"Oh, Harry," She cried, holding her head in her hands. "It's all my fault. I'm so sorry this happened, I did this to you- you almost died!" 

"W-what?"

Y/N whipped her head up. "You can talk?" She said, overjoyed.

Harry coughed and spoke again. "Of course I can talk." 

His voice was rough and it sounded like it hurt everytime he spoke, but it was the most beautiful thing Y/N had ever heard. 

"What are you talking about, it's all your fault?" He rasped, looking utterly confused. "What even happened?" 

With tears leaking from her eyes, Y/N explained all she knew, which still wasn't much. Harry remembered everything as she told him, both their eyes watering as her voice shook.

"Why... why're you crying? Does your forehead hurt? I can call the nurse..." He reached for the call button.

"No, no, I'm ok," She took his hand in hers. "I'm just so sorry, because it honestly is my fault, I'm the one who wanted Chinese food and picked 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺 of all days to drive 2 hours away and-" 

He cut her off by raising his finger to her lips. 

"It's not your fault... it's mine. I'm the one who convinced you the only good Chinese food is so far away and I'm the one who was driving. I couldn't keep you safe..." 

Harry had never looked so sad. 

"No!" Y/N exclaimed. "Do you not see me right now? I'm absolutely fine, you did keep me safe. You swerved out of the way... wait a minute," She paused, realization hitting her. "You didn't think we could avoid the truck at all, did you? You knew it would hit us either way, but you made sure it would hit as far from me as possible." 

Harry looked down. "I figured you're more important than me, I had to do what I could."

"Harry Styles!" Y/N whisper-yelled. "If you weren't so 𝘪𝘯𝘫𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘥 I would 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘤𝘬 you right now! How could you do that? How could you put yourself in 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 like that?" 

"Oh, that's actually why I got so injured, because I knew you'd try to hit me for this," He smiled charmingly at Y/N. She just scowled. 

"Did you really expect me to just say, "oh well, guess she's a goner! bye Y/N! nice knowin' ya!" No, of course not. Of course I'd put myself in danger for you. Always." 

Y/N's lip trembled. "Why do you have to be so romantic after you do such stupid things? it makes it really hard to stay mad at you," She said, wiping her eyes. 

"Yeah, that was the goal there," He laughed. 

Then he caught sight of the ring on her finger.

"That's pretty, when did you get that?" He mock gasped. "Did you get engaged while I was in a coma?" 

“No," Y/N laughed. "It's funny actually. I bought it from the museum gift shop. I wanted to give it to you as a present, for the anniversary of the first time we went there together. I was going to give it to you over Chinese food, and it was going to be 𝘢𝘸𝘦𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 and 𝘯𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘨𝘪𝘤 and 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭." 

Harry smiled. "That's lovely of you, darling. Why... why's it on your finger though?" 

"Oh! right." Y/N sheepishly pulled the ring off her finger. "They wouldn't let me see you because I'm not family, so I threw it on and said we were married," She said, blushing furiously. "Sorry about that." 

Harry smiled. "Why are you sorry?" 

"Um... we're 𝘯𝘰𝘵 married... so... I don't know, I just thought you might think it's weird, or, something..."  Y/N finished lamely. She held the ring out to him. 

"Happy anniversary." 

"Why don't you keep it?" 

"Right, of course, you don't need a reminder of this day," Y/N slipped the ring back into her pocket, on the verge of tears because she messed up 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.

"No, that's not... I meant, why don't you keep it... on your finger?" 

She pulled the ring out of her pocket again, looking confused. "Why?" 

Harry plucked it out of her hand, holding it up to her. "Because I want you to marry me," He said, slipping it onto her finger with the sweetest smile she had ever seen. 

Y/N smiled at him. "It's ok, Harry, you're very high on all the painkillers right now. I won't hold you to anything you say," She laughed a little. 

"I'm not... why would I be on painkiller... oh yeah," Harry grinned, looking around. "I remember why I'm high right now." 

"Riiight." 

"I might be high, but I still want to marry you," he said is a singsong voice. 

Y/N laughed. "Harry, why don't we talk about this when you're sober, ok?"

Harry pouted. "Please? Please marry me? I love you, and you're so pretty, and you're so nice to animals..." He started crying, apparently at how nice Y/N was to animals. "And... a cat! We can get a cat together!" 

"Harry, baby, don't cry, of course we can get a cat," She gently wiped the tears from his bruised face. 

"I won't stop crying until you say you'll marry me," Harry said defiantly, gripping    Y/N's arm. "Pleeeaaase?" 

"Ok, Harry, yes, I will marry you. Sure. You can stop crying now, ok?" 

"That's good, I'm glad, because you're my favorite person, and I looooove you, and you're my baaaaby..." 

At this point Harry was just singing random words, usually circling back to "baaaaby" and "looooove youuuu". 

Y/N felt happy for the first time in what felt like years, while really it had been less than 24 hours. 

Eventually, he wanted to see the ring again. Y/N held up her hand and he gasped. 

"It's so beautiful! I'll buy you a real one though, a real ring for our real wedding. Then we'll get a real house and have real babies, and a real cat," He said, with the dopiest grin Y/N had ever seen. 

"Oh? We'll have babies, huh? How many babies will we have?" 

"3," He answered quickly. "Two girls and a boy. No... 4. Two of each. That way they won't team up one of them." 

"Oh, sounds like you've thought about this a lot," Y/N laughed.

  "Every single day since we started dating, you know why?" 

"Why?" 

He motioned for her to lean closer.

  "Because I looooove you," He sang in her ear.

She pulled back, kissing his swollen cheek. 

"You're a sweetheart," She said affectionately. 

"So're you," He smiled. 

"I kind of like drugged Harry," Y/N laughed. "He's very cute." 

"Drugged Harry also likes drugged Harry, he feels like he's floating." 

"Oh, so drugged Harry talks about himself in the third person?" 

"He does now!" Harry smiled at her again. "Drugged Harry is tired... he's just going to..." 

Then the monitors started beeping rapidly. Several nurses ran in, bustling around and shouting various medical terminology. Another nurse ushered Y/N out of Harry's room for the second time that day. 

"No! No, I need to stay with him! I can't-"

"Shh... it's alright. They're going to do everything they can to help him. You have to let them help him. Why don't we go to the waiting room?"

Y/N exhaled shakily. If she couldn't stay with Harry, she might as well sit instead of hovering around the corner. 

"Yes, let's go to the waiting room," She said, after a few deep breaths. 

Y/N had been sitting on the waiting room for what felt like an eternity, but a glance at her phone told her it had only been 45 minutes. 

A woman in a surgical gown approached her, and Y/N stood up quickly. "What happened?" She asked immediately.

"Unfortunately, your husband's brain bleed did not resolve itself like we had hoped. He is in surgery, and for right now he's doing well," the surgeon said, looking sympathetic. 

"Ok... why did the monitors freak out? Did his heart stop? Is he going to wake up from surgery?" 

"The monitors went off because his heart was having trouble, but they were able to resuscitate him through CPR and defibrillation. It's too soon to know if he will wake up, but the surgeon is hopeful. I will come back to update you as soon as I can."

"Ok, thank you," Y/N said, sinking back into her chair.

  She felt a pain in her chest, like real, actual pain. What would she do without Harry? How would she live with herself, knowing he died trying to save her? 

She caught a glimpse of the ring on her finger and choked back a sob. Would she tell people she was engaged? No, of course not. Harry had been completely out of his mind when he'd asked her. 

She slumped down in her chair, wanting to curl up and cry. Instead, she called her mom. Through her tears, she explained everything that happened. 

"Oh, honey," Her mom sighed. "I'm so sorry. I'm on my way. I'll be there in about 7 hours, I'm sorry it'll take so long. Do you want to stay on the phone with me?"

  "No, I can't," Y/N sniffled. "I have to call Harry's family."

  "Do you want me to do that? I wouldn't mind, they're-"

"No, mom, thank you, but I should. I- I'm going to go. Love you," Y/N said, hanging up the phone. 

Checking her phone, Y/N realized it was the middle of the night in London where Harry's family lived. She didn't think she should wait, so she called Anne without another thought. 

"Oh, Y/N, I'm so sorry. We're getting the soonest flight. We won't be there until tomorrow morning. Will you be alright alone? Is your mother coming?" 

"Yes, my mom's on her way. I'm ok, thank you," Y/N said, rubbing her eyes. 

After she hung up the phone, it set in just how exhausted she was. She had slept poorly the night before, because of the awkwardness of sleeping in a chair and because she was so, so, worried for Harry.

She drifted into a fitful sleep where she dreamed of cars crashing, rings flying around, and Harry standing just out of her reach. He was like a rainbow, the closer she got to him, the more he faded. 

She startled awake and realized there were tears on her face. She checked her phone, seeing that it had only been 3 hours.  

She saw the same woman from before approaching her, this time wearing just scrubs. 

Y/ N stood to meet her. 

"Harry is out of surgery and doing well. We were able to repair the brain bleed. His heart stopped on the table," Y/N gasped at this, "But we were able to get him back. His ribs will be very sore and possibly even broken. All that aside, he is doing well, Mrs. Styles, and you can see him now," She said, Leading Y/N to the elevator. 

Her breath trembled as they walked towards his room. 

Harry was laying in his bed, looking like a fragile child. Even though he was so much bigger than her, right now he seemed so... small. 

Y/N looked at the nurse, asking to sit with him. She nodded and explained that two of his ribs were fractured and his collarbone would hurt him a lot when he woke up. 

Y/N held his hand with a featherlight touch, unwilling to jostle him even the smallest bit. 

After about an hour of her reading to him, she felt a small movement, barely even noticeable. Was it...?

She felt another movement. This time she was sure of it. He was squeezing her hand.

"I'm here Harry, I'm right here," She soothed,  moving her chair closer to him.

  He groaned sleepily before opening his emerald eyes and looking at her.

  "Hi," he smiled, squeezing her hand again. 

"Hi," Y/N said, crying more than a little bit. 

"What... did... are you ok?" Harry's brow furrowed. He seemed to have a hundred questions, but he settled on asking how she was. 

"Yes, Harry, I'm ok. How do you feel?" 

"Hurts," he said, closing his eyes. "But if you're ok, so am I." 

Y/N kissed his hand. "I see drugged Harry is still here? The one that is 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 cute and sweet?" 

"No, he's not. This is just regular Harry. I can tell because everything 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 hurts," He said with a small grimace.

"Oh, I'll get the nurse. They'll give you something," Y/N started to get up, but Harry's grip on her hand tightened. 

"Wait," he said pulling her back to him. "Before they make me go all loopy, I just want to say-" He paused, looking at the ring on her finger. "I love you, to my fiancee. I think it counts more when I'm not high." 

"Your- your fiancee? Harry, I told you I wouldn't hold you to anything you said before. You weren't in your right mind at all, I didn't even think you'd remember saying all that." 

"Yeah, but I remember asking you to marry me and you said yes. You might not be holding me to anything I said, but I'm holding you to that," He grinned. "You really want to deny a dying man his last... dying... wish?" 

Harry flopped his good arm dramatically over his forehead, wincing at the motion. Y/N helped him slowly lower it again. 

"First of all, you're not dying. Secondly, I don't want you to go through with this because you feel obligated, or because you think I'll be upset if you aren't ready to propose. It's totally fine, I promise, but why don't we talk about this when you're feeling better?" 

"No, I feel fine," He insisted.

Y/N gave him a look. "Really? You do? Aren’t you the one who just needed help moving your arm?" 

"Irrelevant. I feel fine, like, mentally. If you don't think you're ready to be engaged to me, that's ok. But don't say no because you think I didn't mean it. I did, with every part of me. I love you, and I want you to be my wife." 

"...Really?" Y/N asked, cheeks heating up.

"Really," Harry smiled. 

"And according to drugged Harry, you want to have a cat and 4 children." 

Harry laughed, wincing immediately.

"Don't make me laugh, my chest really hurts," He said, still holding her hand. 

"Sorry, sorry, they said you have some broken ribs. Also your collarbone. Also your femur. Geez, Styles, you're kind of a mess," You laughed. 

"Yeah, really," He smiled. "But seriously, will you? Will you be my wife?" 

"Of course I will, Harry. I love you so much, of course I will," Y/N said, gently kissing his cheek. 

"Great," Harry beamed at her. "Now that we've worked that out, can you get the nurse? Drugged Harry is ready to make a comeback." 

"Oh, right, sorry," Y/N said, reaching over for the call button. 

The nurse came in, giving Harry more medicine. 

"You'll start to have some relief within a few minutes," She said, leaving them alone again.  

"One more thing Y/N," Harry said. She could already tell he was a little more relaxed. "I have to get you a ring!" 

Y/N smiled, holding up her hand. "I already have one, remember?" 

Harry waved her hand away. "No, no, a bride can't buy her own ring! What kind of... chivalrous... gentleman... would I be if I didn't buy you a beautiful ring?" 

"Ok, Harry, as soon as you get out of here, we'll go ring shopping," Y/N promised. 

"And... to the cat shelter? You said we could get a cat... a kitty, a cat, a little kitty cat..." 

Harry had started singing mumbled words about cats and love and babies. Y/N knew it was going to be a long night. Still, she had never been happier.

[darkhymns-fic]

A Little Opera Goes a Long Way

Colette Brunel has finally moved on from her pop-idol group to more freely sing what she wants, while famous YouTube star, Lloyd Irving went from playing covers on video to going on the big stage. It was only a matter of time before they teamed up and made a hit single.

But what happens when stage fright becomes a problem?

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters/Pairing: Lloyd Irving/Colette Brunel, Presea Combatir Rating: G Mirror Link: AO3 Notes: Slightly obsessed with idol colloyd helped by this art by @frayed-symphony! Would love to write more on this universe when I have the time.

-

The crowd outside was getting louder. 

They had been growing within the past few hours, and if she peeked out just enough, she could see the multitude of rave sticks and cell phones that lighted each wave from the fans. Colette was used to it – she had heard it so many times! Except, it was different now. Everything was different.

Colette didn’t typically perform in Palmacosta. The port city was a long way from her usual tour gig with her group, mostly going around Tethe’alla, starting out from Meltokio before going back. But the Governor had been more than pleased to let the concert go underway, a stage already being built before it had even been requested! More truth to the very idea that the new single had been such a hit.

When she had arrived, she had heard the ocean rushing across the shore, the beaches filled with with so many people. How nice would it have been to walk across the sand, but there was already so much to prepare for. Would she even have the energy to want to go in the evening?

Colette stood within a small corner, being as small as she could while other professionals scattered all around to get everything ready. Sound check, mic check, light check, special effects check, making sure there were no sudden dips on the floor for when they would perform, that no stray excitable fan had snuck their way backstage to meet the band. (This always happened with Alice though, so Colette didn’t think it would be much of an issue now?) 

Everyone was working their hardest to get things ready and perfect – and all they asked was that she would do the same.

As Colette messed with her green ruffled sleeves, her heartbeat took over the noise. Soon it was all she could hear, all she could even think about! What if she tripped on stage? (Again!) What if she reached a wrong note in her part of the song?

What if she only ruined things for…

“Colette?”

The backstage was dark, most of the technicians still further off into the sides, busy fiddling with the lights, the special effects that would take place. She saw the dazzling flash of the red lining of Lloyd’s outfit before seeing Lloyd himself. He must have found her the same way in the corner – her green and white ensemble a unique look, reflective gold bouncing off the eyes.

“Hey, are you okay? Sorry, they kept me stuck in the dressing room just to get all this stuff on.”

“Oh! I’m fine, it’s just… the usual pre-stage jitters, hehe.” Colette instantly smiled, winking at Lloyd with all the practiced flair of her idol persona. Although, she wasn’t supposed to be in that role now… She was being herself this time. Just Colette. With Lloyd. And…

“Ah, yeah? I’m kinda getting those too!” Lloyd laughed, and she heard the shakiness within its tone. It made sense for Lloyd. He had only performed a few times in front of an audience, and they were usually much smaller. His black gloved hands reached to pull back at his hair. “The uh, crowd is really loud, isn’t it?”

“Y-yeah! But that’s a good thing!” She knew it was a good thing! So why the sudden beating of her heart. Could she really be this nervous? She kept pulling at her ruffles, they were all uneven! And so wrinkled! But wait, weren’t they supposed to be?

Then she saw Lloyd reach out to her…head? She felt his fingers briefly touch her hair, feeling warm.. “Your hat’s gonna fall off!”

“Huh?” Colette blinked. “Oh, it’s supposed to be tilted like that! And it’s held to my hair with a pin.” She bowed her head slightly for Lloyd to observe. “See?”

“Ohh.” Lloyd nodded. “Sorry, I was wondering how it was staying on!”

“Yeah! I’ve worn it before with my group…and sometimes we have to do dance routines so they make sure it stays on tight!” Colette pressed down on her skirt, still seeing wrinkles and dust and whatever else. Or maybe it had just been the lights… but wait, wasn’t it dark here?

She felt Lloyd’s eyes on her still, so she turned back to him, because her heartbeat was less distracting when she looked at him. Even if it still beat so much, its rhythm so steady. “I guess I’m not used to it,” Lloyd was saying. “This outfit feels really…uh, bright?” And maybe he was right, for the rose pinned on his front lapel was such a loud red, right over his heart. More than once had Colette wanted to reach out and touch it. Whoever had designed his costume had really put thought into all its details.

“It’s because of me. Remiel says I need to keep my image…” She was already on the search for a new one, as her producer was being even more controlling than usual. It had taken so much just to get this show to happen, her producer trying to block each step of the way. “I’m sorry, I really wanted it to be casual instead.”

“Heh, that’s okay though! I like that we kinda match, you know?” And when he grinned, even within the darkness of backstage, the sounds from outside reverberating the very floor they were on, she thought she felt everything stand still. “And…man, I’d wear anything just to perform with you!”

“Really?” she asked, still stunned. Star-struck. Completely and utterly. His outfit couldn’t match to his smile.

“Yeah! I still can’t believe we wrote something together!” His voice carried well through the noise surrounding them. And soon everyone would hear that voice, along with hers. Was it selfish of her to want to keep it for herself?

When in the studio together, working on their song, it had almost felt like he was singing only for her, his fingers moving over the guitar strings with barely a glance to them. To have such a voice and to play an instrument too… Why was he wasting time with her?

“Yeah, I’m so happy we did,” she said, still feeling her nerves jitter all around. “And… everyone will finally get to hear it too!”

At that moment, there was some feedback sounding off from stage, distracting her slightly. But experience told her it was a few stagehands probably setting up speakers, making sure none of the wires would get in the way of their feet. They would still need to wear their mics later, and hopefully she wasn’t already wearing them and talking into it without realizing it was on, like she would do a few times before…

She shook out her hands a bit, while keeping her feet still. Her ruffles still looked so uneven, so wrinkled and frayed and… “Maybe I’m more nervous than I thought,” she finally admitted.

She waited for the moment for when Lloyd would be disappointed with her. Like the other members of her group would be, like her producer, and-

The same gloved hand, but now on her shoulder, forcing her eyes back up. Some of the lights started to flicker backstage, along with a shouted instruction from one of the technicians. They dazzled off Lloyd’s red cape, off the golden filigree that decorated the trim of his jacket.

“Hey…” he said, smiling still. She saw a little tinge of nervousness too, but not with the frustration she was used to seeing from so many people. “I’m still here.”

She nodded. “Yeah…yeah!” She nodded again, then felt she was doing it too much. “Sorry… I’m supposed to be used to this. I should…” Be the one to help you through this instead. How strange was it that the experienced pop singer would need comfort from someone who was still starting out?

“We…still have like 20 minutes before we go on,” Lloyd said, looking back towards the stage that was still out of sight for them, if not out of sound’s reach. “Wanna hang out in my room till then?”

Something about the way he said it got her breath hitched in her throat. But at least with all of her stage experience, she recovered pretty quickly. “Oh, I guess we could! Did you want to rehearse or…?” Sometimes she’d do so with her band, usually on Alice’s insistence which usually just turned into fights with Marta…

“Yeah, come on!” That same gloved hand moved down to grip her own, guiding her from the backstage to the hall. 

Passing a few concerned lookers (Colette hoped no one would think to pull out a camera), Lloyd soon took them to a door. There was a piece of paper on it with his name printed roughly. And also… a drawing?

“Oh! Is that supposed to be you?” Colette asked, recognizing the features, giggling at the exaggerated smile she had long grown to like.

“Agh, why’d he put it here too?” Lloyd blushed furiously as he quickly took it down from the door. “Stupid Zelos… sorry, I know it looks dumb.”

“It’s cute!” Colette announced. “Your friend is a good artist!”

“Is… are you sure about that?” But after crunching up the little poster into a paper ball and tossing it in a nearby garbage can, Lloyd tugged her inside the dressing room. “Anyway, I thought it would be good to get away from all the noise.”

“Thank you, Lloyd,” she said gratefully. 

His dressing room was a bit bare, much of it just some bags that he had taken on the trip, still in the luggage. Hanging on the wall, she could see the red jacket she saw him wear to his own shows, more casual than what he was made to wear right now. It looked so loose and comfortable. How nice it would have been to wear something like it too.

“…Also, I guess I wanna sit for a while first,” Lloyd confessed, sitting in his chair just then. Colette made sure to not mention that the same portrait of his face was also drawn on the back of the chair, though she still couldn’t help a giggle or two.

“So, which song should we practice first? ‘Star Shining’ might be an easy one to start with… Or maybe ‘Almateria’? Sorry, I should have thought it through before!”

“Huh?” Lloyd blinked up at her. “Uh, no I didn’t mean we should rehearse actually!”

“Oh…then what are we doing here?” Colette felt so genuinely curious.

“To relax, dork!” Lloyd said with a smile. Then that same smile turned a bit softer, his eyes flicking to the right side of him. She hadn’t caught sight of the instrument at first. “Well… I mean if you wanted something like that, it doesn’t have to be both of us, you know?”

She was only getting more confused by the minute! Was this Lloyd’s way of saying he didn’t want to perform with her on stage? “But both of our names are on the listing…” She brought her hands up, fingers pressing together nervously. “I mean… if you really wanted though, I can step out…”

“What? I…don’t know what you mean, I just meant I wanted to sing for you!” Lloyd reached over to grab the guitar that had been laying carefully by his seat. His fingers were already brushing across the strings, eliciting a few sounds that echoed around her.

She took that phrase to heart, hands now clasped together, the ruffles along her skirt, her arms, her shoulders, less on the forefront of her mind. “Sing for me?”

Lloyd nodded, adjusting the small pegs on the end. “Whenever I get nervous about stuff, sometimes I just play whatever. Um, guess I got it from my dad. He’d sing to me when I was little. Oh yeah, and he plays a pretty mean harmonica!” He was grinning again, planting both feet on the ground as he better fit the guitar on his lap.

Colette had never met Lloyd’s father, but the image of a younger Lloyd already tickled her. But she made sure not to mention it, because that would certainly be strange, wouldn’t it? “That’s…but you shouldn’t have to do this for me. I’m used to this…”

“Colette,” Lloyd called out to her, and she faced him again. 

His white jacket and the red rose hanging from it, black gloves already moving over the strings so deftly, just as it did in the studio that one day they had taken a chance, leaving all other obligations just to finally sing their song together after so many email exchanges and video calls. “Let me sing for you.”

She stood still. She had heard his voice dozens, hundreds of times. She had heard him through those videos before he’d get famous, hair disheveled, and his unbuttoned jacket hanging off his shoulders. His own album sat on her shelf back at home, the cover art for it so different from anything else she had seen. (So many stars and rainbows! With a nice drawing of a boy and his dog there too…) In all of those times, she liked to imagine he was singing for her.

“Okay,” she finally said, leaning against a counter, her skirt just making a tiny rustling sound as she shifted. “Um, what are you going to sing for me then?”

“Something my dad would sing to me,” Lloyd said. She thought his cheeks had gotten even redder. “So uh, don’t laugh too much. I can’t pronounce all the words right yet.”

“I won’t. I promise.” And she really did promise that. She didn’t want to ruin that smile.

The strum of the guitar, followed by his sound, by Lloyd, had always felt truer to her than anything else.

-

Only a few minutes later, a knock on the door echoed in the room. Luckily, the notes from Lloyd’s guitar had been on their very last. “Uh, come in?” he called out, his voice still within that range from before.

Opening the door, a small lady appeared. Her sharply pink hair was in contrast to the dark-hued clothes that most of the backstage hands wore. She wore a headset, and apparently one of the giant headlights in one hand – the kind that usually weighed a ton. “Five minutes until curtain time.”

“Presea!” Colette called out to her old friend, waving at her. “I didn’t know you were working here too.”

“I heard you would be performing, so I requested to join.” Presea shifted the headlight to better fit her grip. “Do you have your mics ready?”

“Yeah!” Lloyd went to retrieve his from his pocket while Colette did the same, but Presea had gone up to them, reaching to adjust it before silently requesting for both to bend down so she could have a better hold.

“I can stall if you need. But the crowd wants you.” Presea turned away after making sure the mics were pinned correctly to their clothes. Still, Colette caught a small smile from her. “I’m looking forward to hearing you both sing together.”

Presea already left, and soon it was just Lloyd and Colette in the room, their smiles wide and excited. From the concert, from the music still bouncing around in their heads.

“Still jittery?” he asked, taking the strap of the guitar to finally pull across his back.

“Yeah! But it’s the good kind now!” Colette was standing on her toes, swaying with the beat she still remembered. “You always sing so good.”

“Ah, it was just…like a lullaby, basically.” That flush again, and she wanted to believe it was because of her. So maybe, for at least tonight, she could. “But if you liked it, then I’m happy then.”

“I am! But…I’m also happy we can sing our song live now.” She turned to him, Presea already disappearing into the swell of the backstage darkness. Colette stepped out the door, but not too far off without her partner by her side.

“Heh, yeah… I’m still really surprised Goodness and Love was such a hit though!” With that, he followed Colette out of the dressing room, both heading towards the sounds of the crowd.

“Hm, I knew it would be,” she confessed, her heart racing. Jitters. But the good kind of jitters.

“Oh? How’d you know?” And somehow, in the way he asked her, she wondered if he suspected what she was about to say… So maybe it was okay.

“Because it’s you.” That was all she would say, teasingly sticking out her tongue before taking his free hand and rushing out with him on stage. But always making sure she didn’t trip them both.

Lloyd was grinning so wide once they came out under the lights, the glare setting the red dancing on his outfit, the green on hers. The crowd was loud, but there was only one voice she would listen for.

-

.

.

.

Everything was so loud, so fast and so much. This wasn’t just like singing out in front of the yard, or to any of his friends that happened to swing by home for a visit.

Lloyd was completely out of his element. 

Backstage, as he tried not to get in the way of other professionals, Lloyd gripped the handle of his guitar case, wondering if maybe he had just made a huge mistake. He was by himself, his so-called producer chatting with some other people in the field, (or just woman he spotted honestly), and he couldn’t bring Noishe along, even if the dog was on the album…He’d only get frightened by all the noise, and for once, Lloyd couldn’t blame him.

“Ugh, shouldn’t have let Zelos convince me…” he muttered to himself. The guy had clear dollar signs in his eyes when he told him about where he would perform. ‘You’re a big hit now! Don’t waste it!!’  

Lloyd knew he’d do better by just crawling into a hole. Any confidence he had hours ago seemed to have evaporated once reality set in.

It was just when he heard the rest of the lineup and …. He had been stupid to think that would matter. Wouldn’t he just embarrass himself on stage? Then she would see…

“Hi, are you Lloyd?”

He turned at the sound of her voice. Was it pathetic of him to have already recognized it then? He had heard her voice a hundred times, picking it out from the chorus of other voices, of other people…

Colette Brunel stood before him, wearing a green skirt, with frilly ribbons in her hair. She had a microphone in her hand, which seemed to echo with feedback suddenly when she held it a certain way. Once Lloyd flinched from it, she hurriedly turned it off.

“Ah, sorry! I didn’t mean-“

“You’re Colette…” he said, already kicking himself for interrupting her. But his brain was going into overdrive, catching up with every admirable thought he had of her. “From the Angels group!”

“Oh! Yeah, hi! We’re performing too. The other girls are still getting ready to go on, so, I wanted a chance to talk with you!” She sounded quieter as she spoke, eyes cast downward. “I probably should have brought them with me, I’m sorry.”

“N-No, it’s okay…but…you know me?” He still couldn’t quite believe it.

“Yes, of course! I’ve watched your videos! I think they’re so good!” And with the way she spoke to him, he could almost believe it. That she liked his songs. She liked them. “I… I just wanted to let you know that your music is… it’s something I’ve needed to hear.” A pause. “Would you ever want to-“

“Colette! We’re on! Hurry up!”

“Ah! Okay, sorry, Alice!” Colette turned around briefly to wave away someone else. Lloyd recognized them too… but he’d never been a fan of that girl in the group. “Sorry, I need to go. But… I hope you keep writing your music! I, I really like it.”

If Lloyd died at that moment right then and there, even before he ever got a chance to perform, he’d be satisfied. For Colette to come up to him and tell him all this… “I… T-Thanks! I don’t…know what to say…”

Colette smiled, gripping her microphone, her ribbons bouncing with her motion. “Just, I hope to keep hearing you sing.” Another shout from way back, making Colette shudder. “Sorry, but good luck!”

And gone like that, disappearing into the crowd, into the bright lights and sound that made up this terrifying world Lloyd found himself in.

Yet the nerves passed through him, and his cheeks ached from smiling. I’ll sing…but for you then. But before he would go over his song, he’d sneak a glance at Colette’s routine, eyes for her, voice for her, and the crowd encompassing it all.

[pioneeroverc-my-5000th-sideblog]

so uhhhhhhh it's time for another HOW MUCH DID I FAIL AT IMPROVING? check! In the four months since my first check I did studies 7/16 weeks, had art block 4/16 weeks and did some sort of 'finished' personal art 12/16 weeks (obviously these aren't mutually exclusive). That's less than the previous period (12/14 weeks of study/5 weeks of art block - not that art block is a desirable thing), but I feel like I did get more out of it this time by building on stuff I'd already learnt.

Study-wise, I did 1.5 (almost) lessons of Drawabox, 100 heads, learned how to construct heads with the Loomis method, some work from Arthur Dow's book on composition, and 50 film thumbnails, along with a bunch of random situational 'how does this work' things like landscapes, rocks and a bunch of hands for no particular reason. I also did 30 minutes of figure drawing on 31 days, usually in streaks of 5-7 days in a row and then nothing for weeks D: BUT any progress is good progress!

The biggest struggle I face is being unmotivated to do anything, and especially studying as it has EXTREMELY negative connotations in my mind. I'm currently looking for a way to reframe that because, as long as I have the space to figure out my own revelations, I actually really enjoy learning things - there's just a really big mental energy tax to pay to get started because my brain hates the idea. I've recently (in the past month or so) found a lot of success in making my studies more tailored towards something I want to work on, but I still need to push on with the very basic fundamentals (Drawabox) and that's... slow going. I'd drop it if I wasn't seeing results, but my sense of 3D space is really improving AGH

On to the improvement metrics!

Anatomy/gesture: doing a lot better with gesture in sketches, but it doesn't translate over into finished stuff yet - learning a lot through doing those 30min figure drawing sessions. Structure is getting better. Taking into account the fact that I'm currently shifting my whole 3D worldview/approach around, I'd say that this has improved more than last year.

Backgrounds/perspective: haven't particularly practiced this, but getting better at drawing more complex stuff. Probably around the same as last year.

Composition/storytelling: making some bolder choices. Worse than last year though

Colours/values: not sure I've improved here. Struggling more with values, I guess because my shading is getting more complex. Worse than last year.

Lighting/rendering: improving as I get a better sense of 3D space. Prob about the same as last year but I did less painting this year so that's good

Plan of action for the next four months: DO BETTER!

In January 2022, I want to look back at my art progress and feel satisfied that I've 1/ managed to find more interest in studying and 2/ tried to get to 80% 'good' with the stuff I've finished, which will naturally mean using more references and learning. I'll try to do one 'big' piece per month, but also sketch (and post) a lot more since that gives me a lot of variety and I've improved rapidly doing it in the past.

I'll try to remember to track art block/study every week and aim for 10/16 weeks of studies, with a supplemental 50 days of figure drawing (just the 30min sessions). I anticipate that I'll be able to get close to this figure as I'm getting better at 'picking myself up' after art block and depressive episodes. Just need to keep doing it and it'll get easier.

[rigelmejo]

theres a million reasons 2 hate the great firewall, most importantly probably just because its restrictive to everyone inside it’s ability to access info widely, and its an example being set that other countries no doubt consider the more they see it. and im a big fan of libraries, of local communities having lots of options on how to share info, on people getting broad experiences by getting to connect to many different people and their perspectives, which are all kinda... much harder and impossible and certainly hurt rather than supported in such an enviornment. people are people, so they adapt and still do all these very human things. but it sure does suck when the systems in place actively get in the way of it. 

but like on a much smaller more personal thing i just arghh about it - i really hate how it really just top to bottom puts a barrier between mainland chinese people and everyone else. i remember it took ages to make a weibo, and my weibo just barely-got-made and the moment i forget my password it will cease to exist again - just cause weibo like most chinese sites is set up to desperately want to refuse to work if you don’t have a chinese phone number etc. i couldn’t get whatsapp to chat with my chinese friends because of the same issue - it didn’t like my ordinary us number, so it just refused to let me verify. i can only talk to them if they use sites that likely they need vpns for, and that sucks that they should have to use vpns to connect to some ppl they know or people they’d like to meet agh. 

and there’s just a handful of apps/sites we can all use easily to interact, and every so often china just goes ‘nope’ and then blocks their side off so neither side can interact anymore without a vpn on china side and a huge amount of hoops/possibly a vpn/possibly no way at all from an outside location. ao3 used to be a site we could all access and interact on, now its not. i remember when deviantart used to be a site we could all access, then the great firewall decided to block that art site and i lost contact and updates on a ton of people. i love that i CAN get on weibo and at least see updates from some people and message some people, but weibo was so utterly hard to login to that i know i’ll eventually lose access to my account forever just... whenever. i’ve got one language learning app where its chinese made, so thankfully it doesn’t block communication and it doesn’t make hoops for outside people to access - but i’ve heard mixed things about hoops it makes chinese mainlanders go through which sucks. and i know it’ll just secretly block/silence you on there at random if you bring up topics it does not want discussed, and theres not really any way to know except by messaging IN SOME OTHER APP your friends and finding out they haven’t gotten your replies/posts since X day you got blocked by the app unknowingly. although theres no ‘don’t talk about X’ rules on the app, there’s definitely an atmosphere of ‘better to just keep convos light and shallow or else be aware u may disappear and lose contact with all these people you know.’ which is just an annoying atmophere to have... especially since regular user-to-user or app-to-people-abusing the app blocking with notifications of the user being blocked and Why, could be more transparent, and work just as well. Like for a while anything covid related got censored/blocked users at random - despite no rules about it and like 90% of users talking about it since we’re IN a pandemic. And a lot of posts about the random blocking... also got removed/users were blocked. So people just randomly dropped off the app, and surprise surprise people still kept talking about covid. It would have been more effective to just say ‘please avoid topics such as ‘covid’ or specifically ‘covid misinformation like potential medical advice’ (like if there’d been issues with people dangerously recommending to drink poison to ‘cure’) or your post will be removed and you will receive a warning/keyword reason, the second offense you will be blocked from the app.’ Like youtube is NOT great about blocking based on dangerous/inflammatory things either, but with covid it did just demonitize covid-related videos for a similar reason, then publicly stated it would potentially be deleting videos spreading dangerous false-cure information. In the best case scenario, of course china companies also are trying to keep their population safe from dangerous-fake-cures being propagated, so of course they’re trying to handle the same issue every country is dealing with regarding that right now. I just think... it could possibly be easier in some cases for them to do it more transparently, clearly. So that users talking about sensitive topics in not-banned manners understand they’re fine, and so that users know if they bring up such topics they should make clear that its their opinion and they’re NOT trying to spread cure-info if they bring it up (which would help cut down on false-cure opinions getting spread like ‘facts’.) Instead its just random people posting all kinds of things, and some dangerous posts getting blocked while others just... remain cause they aren’t noticed. And then other users not breaking the rules get flagged by algorithms and blocked randomly. Again to be fair... i think chinese companies are doing about the same level of good/bad on this as american ones right now. Youtube and twitter and facebook are all succeeding/sucking to various degrees about this too, mostly in the same ways too. It just... gets annoying to me because its just... another big chunk of the chinese firewall being frustrating. Because it doesn’t just happen with covid. 

You mention religion or government or the us election or liking girls or whatever, and sometimes you/your friends account is just blocked and suddenly you lose contact with everyone and don’t even know right away. I actually like weibo better, because i feel their ‘banning’ actions are more similar to twitters - break rules and ur just blocked, users can block you/you can block users, etc. But there’s also generally clear rules, unless ur someone say the government views as larger and disliked. But for the average person weibo’s just a lot like twitter. The main issue is just it SUPER discourages/makes impossible anyone outside of mainland to use it, and of course most mainlander chinese using it will be finding it equally difficult to ever get access to sites outside of weibo - lots of people use instagram and twitter but they’re using vpns and do it on a rare/infrequent basis. 

So weibo is their main thing to use... like if we were all JUST stuck on twitter as our only social media. Yes we’ve got a LOT of sucky social media outside of china, but we also can easily get to many different ones and go on ones in many countries if we wanted. In contrast, its hard for most anyone not chinese to even register for weibo, you can’t browse if you aren’t a user (so you cant even see what’s going on in the chinese internet sphere), and if you’re from the mainland then you’re equally limited to other sites within that area of access and going to find it very difficult to browse the other sites worldwide. Even though... you know... people are people everywhere. Just because people are limited in access, doesn’t mean they wouldn’t like to talk to people from different cultures and share their own perspectives and open their world up more if they could.