#also the only reason i can see the writing being so stilted awful and unnatural

[ad-hawkeye]

guys im gonna be so honest artem's year three writing is a chore to get through. my god. it's so bad.

[taekookismylifeline]

(yoonseok) - trust my heart when it beats for you

ao3: (x)

Summary: Jung Hoseok has had an awkward Thing for Min Yoongi for four years of his school life. He is certain that the only thing that gets in the way of them and everlasting love is the fact that Min Yoongi doesn't know he exists, but that all changes due to one drunken text message: a pick-up line. Ready to flee to another country under a false identity in mortification, he finds himself ruining their blossoming friendship and confessing when Yoongi asks why Hoseok had tried to flirt with him. However, things take a turn after his confession when Yoongi starts to (awkwardly) flirt back.

Pairings: Yoonseok, Taekook and Namjin

Chapters: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5), (6), (7), (8), (9), (10), (11), (12)

Chapter Thirteen -  look at me like you used to. i miss it. i miss you

Yoongi hadn’t expected a response and he didn’t receive one. Morning dawned bright and early on Monday morning which contrasted heavily with the trepidation churning inside of his stomach. The first thing he did was check his phone as he did every other morning but his routine was dismantled when seeing no messages from Hoseok fill up his notification wall.

He shouldn’t have been so affected, he knew this, but he was. Hoseok had managed to break in and occupy a space in his heart in barely a span of three weeks. He wasn’t sure if he was just easy to break as a person or if he was simply made to be broken by Hoseok. It was just cruel that the only person who could make him feel something more, supply him with a whole new range of emotions, was the one who he had to push away.

Even Jeongguk hadn’t messaged him, but Namjoon had. ‘Hey, how’d it go yesterday?’ He couldn’t bring himself to reply.

He got ready for school and took the bus as usual, blocking out the ruckus of the children in the years below him with his music, music that he and Hoseok had shared a mutual interest in. Yoongi had to shake himself, bringing him away from his thoughts by looking at his phone and finally replying to Namjoon, he was talking about Hoseok as if he were dead which was definitely not the case when he would be seeing Hoseok in first lesson.

Oh crap. A double period alone with Hoseok was the last thing that he needed right now. Due to his sudden state of panic his composed message to Namjoon came out a little more desperate than he had wanted. ‘awful. Can you kill me please so I don’t have to suffer two hours with H?’

He received a reply almost immediately. He climbed down from the bus before opening the message, keeping his head down as he walked into school. ‘whoa, what happened? Did he do something?’

Yeah, Yoongi thought to himself, he made me realise how crappy of a person I am. He didn’t dare type this out, though, for he knew that he would be on the receiving end of a pep talk. He detoured and took a route away from the basketball court as he knew that was where Hoseok met up with his friends at the beginning of school, and more recently at breaks and lunch, too.

‘It wasn’t him, it was me. It’s easier just to forget about all the romantic stuff, it’s too much pressure. I messaged him this and he didn’t reply and I have 2 hours of History with him in the morning.’

Namjoon must have been waiting on the chat for a response because he messaged back straightaway. ‘I’m almost there. Meet you at the bench around the back?’ And so he did, Namjoon approached him a few minutes afterwards. Yoongi didn’t think he had ever felt so much relief; Namjoon was advice and support personified, and that was all he needed right now.

“So, tell me, what’s brought this on?” Namjoon asked once he had sat down. “Last week you were all about this, talking to Hoseok all the time to see if you felt that way about him, and now you meet up and suddenly nothing? What happened?” How could Yoongi have forgotten? Along with support and advice came an intrinsic sense of knowing that Yoongi had something to hide.

Yoongi shrugged, trying to meet Namjoon’s searching eyes. “Nothing, really. It’s just... I don’t know, I don’t really know anything about Hoseok.” That part wasn’t true at all, Hoseok had been more than happy to spill his entire life story to Yoongi. Yoongi now knew all of the spats between Hoseok and Taehyung that Hoseok could recall, and also precious memories of his childhood, like how his mum had purchased an assortment of stuffed toys for him but then found out they would be worth a lot in the years to come so he was banned from touching them. “I figured that even if I date Hoseok, we wouldn’t last; Hoseok will find someone else.”

Namjoon surveyed him before turning away to look at the vast field of grass in front of them. “How do you know that?” He asked softly. “I don’t believe that in the last week you’ve learnt nothing about Hoseok. If that were true then he wouldn’t mean anything to you, but he obviously does seeing as you asked me to kill you so you don’t have to face him.” He cracked a smile, Yoongi stared intently at the ground, hating that Namjoon could see right through him. “So, please, tell me what happened.”

Yoongi exhaled harshly through his nose, so harshly that it made his eyes water. “He kissed me,” he muttered. Namjoon nodded as if he had foresaw this event, which wouldn’t be particularly surprising. “Afterwards I knew that I wouldn’t be enough for him, he’d move on easily, so I told him that we should stick to being friends. It’s simpler that way.”

“Simpler for who?” Namjoon turned on him, making him feel trapped. His chest restricted and it was difficult to draw breath. “I don’t see how this could be easier for you. I know you, Yoongs. You’re in deep and I can tell that Hoseok’s made an impression on you. If you really felt only friendship for him, you wouldn’t have let him kiss you. You’re a good guy, too good to lead someone on which – without giving him the real reason – it looks like you have.”

A surge of self-loathing ran through him, twisting his insides and mangling them together. It was typical of him to do something which he thought to be right only to have it blow up in his face. He had undoubtedly hurt Hoseok with his selfish actions, allowing Hoseok to kiss him and then to rip himself away, lying through his teeth and saying that Hoseok meant nothing to him, nothing more than a friend.

Yoongi valued friendship, of course he did. Friendship was an important part of his life after he had learnt that he couldn’t breeze through life solo, he needed companionship. He was happy to have Hoseok as a friend, blessed even, but he wanted something more. He wanted heated glances, a singular touch or a glimpse of revealed skin to ignite a passion in his veins, he wanted to be looked at like nothing could replace him.

He wanted to be Hoseok’s and he wanted Hoseok to be his.

This revelation should have been startling, but he wasn’t the least bit shocked. This conclusion must have been thrumming under his skin, one with his flesh and blood.

“Oh, I fucked up,” he admitted.

Namjoon chuckled and shook his head. “You did what you thought was right.”

“Yeah, which was wrong.” He ran his hands over his face. “Tell me what to do. How do I fix this?”

“Do you know what you want?” Namjoon asked him in a serious tone.

“Yes.” Hoseok, he added silently. “How do I tell him?” Now time was creeping forwards, he was avidly aware of how close he was to being near Hoseok again. That thought alone was enough to thrust his heart into a frenzy.

“That’s up to you. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to write a script,” Namjoon lightened the mood slightly. “You just need to express yourself clearly. You’re good at writing your thoughts out, but you’re also good at free-styling. You should be fine.” And with those words of wisdom, the school bell rang, initiating the jittering of Yoongi’s nerves.

“Thank you,” he said just as Jeongguk jogged over to them, his school bag rocking dangerously on his shoulder and a grin practically bursting off of his face.

“Guys, guys, I have so much to tell you!”

“You’re gonna have to save it, I’m afraid,” Namjoon stood up and grinned. “You can tell us at break, I’m thinking that Yoongi will have some news for us by then.”

Jeongguk shot him a curious glance but apparently he was too elevated by his own news, most certainly about Taehyung, to inquire as to what Namjoon was talking about.

Registration seemed to drag on but the last few minutes sped by and suddenly Yoongi was signing in for History and had positioned himself in the library in the same seat where Hoseok had invited him out after school. It seemed like much more than a week had passed and he felt like he had aged considerably since then, or perhaps it was because he was devoid of Hoseok’s youthful energy.

Hoseok took a considerably long time to show his face at the library but when he did Yoongi wished that he hadn’t made an appearance at all. A paranoid fear took hold of him, gripping at his lungs causing his breathing to be limited. He kept his eyes glued to the keyboard when he sensed a figure place itself onto the couch. The only thing he expected was to hear the pounding of his rapid heartbeat and the stilted typing of the keys, he did not plan on Hoseok clearing his throat and addressing him.

“So, Yoongi.” Hoseok’s voice did not sound calm at all, if anything it sounded slightly hysterical, with his voice breaking at the end of his speech. Yoongi steeled himself before flicking his eyes over to Hoseok. He was smiling. Painfully. Almost comically. “I just want to tell you that I received your message and it was awfully rude of me not to reply.”

Yoongi felt his eye twitch. ‘Awfully rude’? Was the Hoseok in front of him from another dimension where it was the norm to use speech from the 18th century? “It’s okay, I didn’t expect you to,” he said honestly, hoping that upon hearing him speak Hoseok would drop the terrifyingly wide and unnatural smile that littered his face. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that-” Before he even got the chance to pluck the next sentence from his heart and breathe it into the air, Hoseok interrupted him.

“It’s okay, Yoongi. I understand! You said it yourself, you don’t like me like that, and if I weren’t too respect that, I would be an idiot. So, from now on, there’s to be no more flirting, or kissing, or anything like that, okay?” Now Hoseok didn’t look as comical, Yoongi saw through it to find that he looked dejected. Yoongi was sure that his heart had just folded inside out as an agonising fire spread throughout his chest as he saw the turmoil in the darks of Hoseok’s eyes.

“I’ll get used to it, I’ll get over it! So, I wanted to tell you that I’m more than happy to be friends, after all, we have to spend a whole year together!” Hoseok sounded convinced. He sounded fine with the fact that their ambiguous relationship would be labelled as friends and nothing more, even though he had been the one to tell Yoongi that he liked him, told him that he was beautiful. It hurt. He hurt.

Hoseok offered him his hand, Yoongi stared down at it listlessly. Hoseok’s words were still resonating in his ears, scraping against his ear canal.

“You haven’t changed your mind again, have you?” Hoseok laughed, but it was nothing like his usual laugh which was loud and filled with good feeling. This laugh was stale, cold and cruel. Just like the air of the bus stop in which he had ripped himself away from Hoseok. “Friends?”

He blinked away the tears forming in his eyes, blurring his vision. Hoseok’s hands were soft in his, and cold, it was as if he was still standing at the bus stop and Yoongi were in the protective layer of the bus, feeling trapped by his own self-loathing.

“Friends.”

If Hoseok heard the wary defeat of Yoongi’s voice, he didn’t comment on it. Hoseok snatched his hand away once it had felt Yoongi’s warmth.

Yoongi found himself wishing for the cold that Hoseok carried, just to have a part of him.