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blogenana · 5 years

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Doctor Who - Earthshock Live Review

So I have my crisps and lemonade and im ready to continue my journey through classic who - idk why I just started live blogging it...

• People are climbing

• So they've found something- an alien I'm assuming- why do humans always tamper with things we shouldn't

• Oh they haven't found something theyre looking for people

• I hate how classic who drags on so slowly

• Sinister music

• 'probably nothing" foreshadowing...

• Okay get to the killing already

• YES FINALLY HELLO DOCTOR

• Wow I forget they must have their own rooms in the Tardis

• Lots of books in Adrics room

• "why should that interest me" ooh okay Adric getting a bit sassy

• Why's he fed up

• looool "I'm tired of being considered a joke" "why am I being constantly teased" maybe because you're annoying and you make sexist remarks?

• oh chill

• The doctor don't have time to deal with this

• aww okay Adric being jealous that Nyssa and Tegan get more attention from the doctor than him is kinda cute

• 'I give you my word' 'just as you gave your word to Tegan" okaaaaay go off (spoiler alert) ik Adric dies in this because I saw a spoiler so this is very sad foreshadowing that the doctor will break his word to Adric about making time for him- kinda sad

• I hate the celery stick

• okay Adric kick off

• Doctor can't take criticism which is interesting because the last time he was probably ever blamed for something was One with Barbara and Ian. I don't remember any companion ever criticizing him like this before

• 'Well it can wait' you'll regret that

• "I'm tired of being an outsider" this would make sense if we had seen him being an outsider before - in my opinion Tegan is the outsider as she's new and not as mathematically advanced as the others. also I would say that Adric is the closest to the doctor out of all 3 so his point isn't really valid

• I guess this is the writers way of making adrics death more tragic

• ooh Adrics theme

• I swear he was an outsider amongst his own people too

• 'the tools would go missing" why do these people never take the hint

• forgot Adric was from e space- tbh what was the doctors plan when he did demand to go home eventually- did he wanna travel with him till he died?

• "e space is another universe, there isn't a taxi service that goes back and forth"

• Romana mention!

• "im not waiting around while you plot the course to your own destruction" the doctor has never experienced a companion death before - also foreshadowing

• "you know I think since his regeneration he's become decidedly immature" this is funny also like 4 was soooo mature

• I like Adric and Five's relationship

• the actor who plays Adric has gone better

• Nyssa is the most mature out of this entire group

• "breathe deeply and relax" why is Tegan a meditation instructer out of nowhere

• the doctor didn't take much convincing

• lol the doctor bopping Tegans nose was cute

• Ooh Dinosaur bones

• let me guess - the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs was an alien spaceship or aliens killed them

• Someone screamed

• Ooh yeah she be dead

• Okay the villains look like they're wearing gimp costumes

• Reminds me of American Horror Story Murder House & the leather monster

• Aah doctor who giving a lesson on how the dinosaurs were killed. We love a show that educates

• Did I mention how much I hate the celery stick because I hate it honestly whose idea was it

• Bro chill why is this man grabbing the doctor like that what he do

• Calm the fuck down mate

• Gimp people be shooting

• Okay they may be androids but they'll always be gimp people to me

• Android vision

• CYBERMEN!!!! DAMN

• Why they gotta hit us with the plot twist like that i wasn't ready

• The Cybermen looks sad

• Hehehe the face is funny

• Gimps be strong

• Why do the Cybermen sound muffled

• I find it more creepy when they have human voices than Robots because it makes It more real that these machines have humans in them

• hHaven't seen them in some time

• I love Tegans sarcasm

• I'm cracking up at the Cybermen voice

• 1 gimp down 1 to go

• tThe gimps be dead

• 'prepare to activate the devise" dun dun DUN

• Damn the Cybermen be skinny

• I'm bored i want doctor/cybeman action

• Okay it's getting intense

• Cybermen be SHOOK

• "cyber technology is too advanced for earthlings" figure it out then mate

• He's recognised the Tardis

• THE BEST DIALOGUE "TIME LORDS, BUT THEYRE FORBIDDEN TO INTERFERE"

• THIS ONE CALLS HIMSELF THE DOCTOR, AND DOES NOTHING BUT INTERFERE

• YESS PREVIOUS DOCTORS VS CYBERMEN

• I'm geeking out

• Imma watch this bit a few times hang on

• Aah I loved that it was so cool bloody hell I'm a nerd

• The 2nd Cybermen looked shocked while he was watching

• "have you no emotions sir" classic

• "Adric do you have a moment" "I'm hungry" Okay I like him in this one he's a mood. Why is he suddenly likeable the ep he dies

• "all part of the daily routine" see what I mean

• Well your daily routine Is gonna end soon

• He doesn't wanna go home!!

• Doctor is relieved it's cute

• Ah this is sad

• It would be easier if i didn't know he was gonna die

• Cos I do like their relationship

• Okay we're being introduced to new people

• "you're beginning to bore me" the writers knew

• I'm trying really hard to concentrate I've zoned out

• Ah the doctor has got my attention "I want to announce my presence, see what the reaction is" course

• aaaand the doctor is caught and he's being accused for murder again

• Don't they have cctv just check it

• "apprehended why can't he just say caught" me in English classes

• 'even under the threat of death he has the arrogance of a time lord"

• I thought Cybermen had no emotions but this Cybermen just said he wants the doctor to suffer for their past defeats - revenge is an emotion which is v ironic

• Hh SHIT the Cybermen are walking

• lol tegan " im just a mouth and legs" she's such a mood

• The Cybermen music is cool

• The doctors face when he sees them

• Aah the soldier has betrayed them

• Why is it that whenever there's a women in charge the men who is second can't handle it and goes rogue

• iIt's such a typical trope

• The dialogue for the doctor is great

• "you know them"

• "oh yes, we go back a long way"

• Haha "I'm surprised they didn't mention me" 'well perhaps you overestimate your importance" "oh I doubt it" doctor is and will always be that bitch

• The doctor is doing doctory things

• "that's very clever" "oh it is" the doctor bragging about how clever he is starts here

• Damn tegan she just shot a Cyberman

• Flashback to "the doctor makes people into weapons"

• Finally the doctor vs Cybermen showdown

• Lol I knew they would kill the betrayer

• "our records indicate that you have a fondness for earth" (especially earth girls)

• "this time we shall succeed in destroying the earth" no you won't mate

• Ah the Cybermen coming out of plastic Wrap is a throwback to the 2nd Doctor Cybermen story

• Tegan looks like a badass with the gun

• So they're destroying the leaders of various planets before they destroy the Cybermen

• Tegan has no idea what she's doing

• I love how Five says the most savage lines with the most polite tone

• He could tear you down and look like he's complimenting you

• Tegan has been caught

• Cyberman in the Tardis is weird

• 'who is this woman' - 'no-one of consequence' - 'thanks a lot - gotta love Tegan

• Okay wow that scene between the doctor and the Cyberman about emotions gave me goose bumps what a thrilling scene

• The Cybermen has a point- he can control the doctor because he has emotions

• I'll never get tired of the debate about emotions between them because it genuinely feels like the Cyberman defend the concept of having no emotions to defend their existence

• Five looks hot when he's defending emotions

• Fuck they need to leave Adric behind

• Shit I'm getting nervous

• His theme is playing!

• The Doctor looks conflicted

• Adric leaving his hand out after the doctor let go...

• "I'll see you soon" this is the actors best performance because you can see in his eyes he knows he won't

• The Doctor has never had a companion die before so he walks away without looking back

• "it will once you start getting rusty" Tegan is funny

• Adric is plotting

• The Cybermen say they have no emotions but forcing Tegan watch her own planet getting destroyed is extremely sadistic

• Clever Adric

• The Earth looks different

• Okay so Adric's cleverness is what gets him killed because he knows he can crack the code

• The Dinosaurs! I knew it!

• Oh crap Earth is safe but Adric doesn't know that

• I think this comes down to Adric wanting the doctors attention and wanting to be the best to have his attention

• The Doctor has his pin!

• Five suffocating and shooting a Cyberman is shocking to see

• Adric whyyyyyy

• This Cyberman walking towards him is bloody persistent

• "Now I'll never know if i was right" such Adric last words

• Id like to believe he was

• Damn.

• The Doctors face. The fact that it could have been avoided if he just left the ship

• Adric is the first companion that died on the Doctor's watch

• Adric died thinking the Earth was going to be destroyed and he could have stopped it

• The credits!! his gold star! the silence! this must have been a shock to the viewers. If i didn't know beforehand through spoilers I would be going crazy

• Earthshock had it's ups and downs, the downs in regards to the pace of the plot however the story was good and the Cybermen were fantastic especially their interactions against the doctor. Tegan and Adric were great. Nyssa didn't really have much to do. Davison was amazing. I liked the writing.

• Also I liked the structural shift of the story to the cave androids to the bomb to the spaceship to dealing with The Cybermen to saving Earth and then to Adrics death

#Doctor Who #Earthshock #Fifth Doctor #5th Doctor #Adric

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murasaki-murasame · 6 years

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Episode 23 of :re continues to be a really solid adaptation, even if it’s of some very flawed material. And this final arc at least feels a bit less exhausting and overdone than it did in the manga, so that’s neat.

Anyway, detailed thoughts under the cut, and spoilers for the whole manga.

As I expected, this episode covers the first half of volume 16. Like, literally half of it. The volume is roughly 320 pages long, and this episode adapted the first 160 pages, lol. And as I also expected, it worked out just fine, pacing-wise. Barely anything actually got cut. A few scenes got made a bit more concise, and Takizawa didn’t watch Donato and Amon fight, but that’s about it.

At least in terms of the stuff specifically from this part of the manga alone. I think it’s worth noting that they bring Ayato back into the story in this episode, but they don’t really talk much about what he was up to, and it looks like they’re completely cutting out the detail of him bringing back some feral children that lived underground.

I think I like this change a fair bit, even though I can tell it’s gonna annoy a lot of people. I always really disliked how Ishida handled the entire plot point of Ayato finding that underground city and the corpse of the old dragon, so I can certainly live with how the anime is removing a lot of the focus on it. The time spent setting it up in the manga just made it all the more disappointing when absolutely nothing of value came of it, so at least in the anime it’s upfront about how much of a background detail it is.

On the topic of things I didn’t like from around this part of the manga, I’m vaguely disappointed that the anime kept the stuff with Eto being brought back at the last minute, but I can’t really blame them for just being faithful to the manga. I still think that the anime is at it’s best when it’s actively going against the execution of the manga, and this is something where I think they could have easily just cut it out. I have a feeling it’s also going to be something where anime-only people wind up understandably assuming that the manga must SURELY have done more with this plot point, and taken even the SLIGHTEST effort to actually explain why the fuck it’s happening, but yeah no lol. The way that Ishida brought her back out of absolutely nowhere and then almost immediately kills her off was so awfully handled that most of the fandom genuinely hates it and wishes it never happened. There’s a lot of things where I’m in the minority for disliking some parts of the writing, but trust me when I say that nearly everyone hates what Ishida did with Eto here. I honestly still don’t fully grasp what he was even trying to achieve with this, other than him trying to bring the Owl back for the final arc just to . . . make some last-minute parallels to the end of the first series? Who even knows.

That’s actually my only real complaint about this episode, though. Everything else was very solid and well-executed. They didn’t really add anything or flesh anything out beyond what happened in the manga, but they just adapted what happened in the manga in a really solid, satisfying enough way.

I remember disliking how the Donato-Amon and Yomo-Uta fights were handled in the manga, but I think that was mostly a pacing issue. The manga devoted several chapters exclusively to those fight scenes, which just felt unnecessarily drawn-out. It feels a fair bit more natural in the anime, partly because both of those fights are a bit more concise than they were originally, and partly because I think the anime cuts between them a bit more than the manga did, which makes it feel less like you’re following one fight for a weirdly long time. I’d have to reread this part of the manga to remind myself exactly how I feel about it, but I also think that the resolution between Yomo and Uta felt more satisfying and less underwhelming than it did originally.

Also, I can’t really remember if an anime-only person would know about Amon’s history with Donato by this point. I never got around to watching Root A, so I genuinely have no idea if that season talked about their backstory. I know that it hasn’t come up in the :re anime, but even in the :re manga there’s barely any references to Amon’s childhood. So maybe that whole scene was something that wouldn’t work at all for anime-only people, but I can’t tell.

I still have a lot of complicated feelings about Amon’s entire place in :re’s story. It ultimately just feels really unnecessary, like he was mostly brought back just so he could wind up dating Akira and have a happy ending. There’s not really much that the story actually does in :re to substantially develop him or explore his character. On it’s own his whole confrontation with Donato is very nice and bittersweet, and it’s good to see him acknowledging that he’s a part of the warped world he lives in, and that he can’t avoid taking responsibility for that, but overall it feels particularly odd to have his big final moment as a character be focused on his relationship with Donato, given how little screen-time that plot point gets, especially in :re. It feels more logical for the story to focus on how conflict with Kaneki, but that whole thing just gets kinda . . . brushed under the rug in a really unsatisfying way.

I’ll at least say that the disappointing aspects of how Amon is handled as a character are much less obnoxious and jarring as they were in the manga, if only just because the anime has been covering like two thirds of :re in twelve episodes. It’s more reasonable for Amon to not have THAT much focus or development in a 24-episode anime than it was for his moments to be so few and far between across 180 chapters of a manga that ran for like three years. It’s still not the most satisfying thing ever, but at least people watching the anime didn’t have to spend literal YEARS watching basically nothing happen with his character, lol.

Oh right, I just remembered that V exists, and that I guess they’re another part of the episode I disliked. I mean, they’re involved with the whole Eto thing, but my reasons for disliking them are entirely separate. They’re another whole plot point that I think Ishida handled terribly, and there’s not much the anime can do to improve that. They’ve always just been this really lame, cliche shadow organization with murky goals, and nothing much ever gets done with them. I can’t blame any anime-only people for thinking that they’re really boring and under-utilized and unexplored, but the manga doesn’t do much more with them. To be blunt, the fact that I completely forgot about them right after the episode ended kinda says everything you need to know about how badly they’re handled even though they’re kind of sort of the Big Bads [tm] of the entire series, lmao.

I said before that this episode didn’t necessarily add anything new to what was originally in the manga, but after going back through my copy of volume 16 [I donated my English TG manga collection to my local library last week but I still own the last three volumes of :re in Japanese], it looks like that short scene with Mutsuki getting protected by Urie and Akira was anime-original. Which is a bit surprising since it was a fairly minor scene that didn’t impact much. I really liked it though. It’s just a neat detail to show Mutsuki’s friends and colleagues protecting him, and there’s something really bittersweet about how it comes across like he was willing to accept his fate and let himself be killed by the fake Owl, and was surprised to find himself being protected. It helps really hammer in the character growth and reconciliation that’s been going on with him and those around him lately, and it just works really nicely. It continues to be really interesting to me that almost all of the most major changes/cuts/additions in the anime thus far relate to Mutsuki’s character, and in general improving upon how Ishida handled him originally. I really appreciate it, but I’ve already talked about that a lot so I don’t need to go back over it.

Getting to the final part of the episode, the whole scene with Kaneki confronting Furuta wasn’t substantially different to the manga in how it plays out, and what sort of a note the episode ends on, but it’s interesting that the anime is portraying him in a more serious and genuinely threatening light, whereas this bit from the manga really played up his joke-y attitude. I think I prefer it this way, but it’s not the biggest change ever. In general I really like the note this episode ended on. I think the fact that they cut out one or two instances of Kaneki cracking his fingers previously in :re helped make this moment feel more important and surprising, so that’s cool.

Now that we’re halfway into the final volume of the manga, that just leaves the final half of it to adapt in the final episode, which should be totally fine. There’s a lot of scenes that can go by REALLY fast in the anime. Especially the epilogue, since a huge chunk of that can probably just be handled as a montage while the ending theme or whatever plays, rather than how we had to slog through so many pages of so many pointless narrative exposition boxes in the manga. Some of the final scenes between Kaneki, Furuta, and then Rize also felt almost comically drawn out in the manga, which always felt a bit weird given how rushed the overall ending felt, and how tight of a schedule Ishida was working on. You could really tell that he tried and failed to get the ending extended by an additional three chapters.

We don’t know what the final episode will be called yet, but they’ll probably have that sorta info up in the next day or two. I’m kinda excited to see what they call it, since the final episode of :re s1 ditched the naming scheme of the rest of the episode names to give it something more unique. So it’ll be neat to see what they do for the final episode.

I’m of course gonna hold back on giving my final thoughts on the :re anime until it all ends in the next episode, but I think we’re close enough to the end that my feelings on it won’t really change much, so I just wanna reiterate that I genuinely really love it, in spite of it’s flaws. I would have preferred something more . . . ‘transformative’, if that makes sense, but as an adaptation that takes the existing story and just tells it in a better way, I think the anime works surprisingly well. This final season in particular has been a big step up from the manga.

All in all I just have a lot of affection for it and what it’s been trying to achieve [especially with how they’ve done so much to improve the endless list of issues with how badly Ishida handled Mutsuki as a character], and I don’t think that goodwill could be tarnished at this point with just one episode left. I’ve jokingly said before that even though there’s more objectively good options, this is probably one of my favourite anime of this year, but I think I genuinely stand by that. There’s been some REALLY great stuff this year, even in terms of just stuff I’ve fully watched [like Devilman Crybaby, Revue Starlight, Planet With, etc etc], but I just feel really strongly about the :re anime. Also there’s some recency bias going on, lol. It’s been so long since I watched Devilman Crybaby. This year was a goddamn decade long.

#murasaki rambles #tokyo ghoul #tokyo ghoul :re #I just *clenches fist* like this anime a lot you guys

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idkwhatawritingblogis · 6 years

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alphabet nsfw meme; sierra.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex) sierra is honestly really cuddly. like, axel (or any partner, really.) can't just roll over and go to sleep immediately, she needs to get held by them and just have some real Soft Moments afterwards before any sleeping can be done. so chest to chest, her fingers in their hair. sometimes she is able to sleep without it, but. not often.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) her favourite bodypart of her own is her butt. or her tiddies. and for axel, it's his back. or his stomach.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person) i mean, she digs swallowing. but she also likes if axel ends up shooting his shot on her tiddies. she sees it as some weird marking thing. also, she doesn't mind getting cum on her face. she subscribes to the "jizz is great for your skin." world, so y'know.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) she's definitely fantasized about drew sexually at least once. while drunk on wine. but she'll never cop to it. she likes to block it out, ok. she drunk and lonely and probably sad.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) she is not very experienced at all, though most of her experience has come from axel. which he's very patient, especially as she tries to find herself and what she wants to try and stuff. she kinda wishes he'd suggest things more, but that's just because she's almost at a loss on what to do/try. one day, she'll search for porn and find /something/ but. we'll see.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual) sierra is really big into riding, which she never thought she would be because of her insecurities, but it's genuinely just her favourite. she loves how it makes her feel and just.. digs being on top and getting to look down at axel (probably because she's a smol bitch and he's a tol bitch, so role reversal, probably.)

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc) i mean, she's honestly pretty giggly?? like, it's never too serious, but never outright scream laughing. she'll crack jokes if she's feeling some kind of awkward way, but that happened more at the beginning. but still. sex isn't fun without laughs, so bye.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.) she trims. she doesn't know what she likes for grooming yet, but she's absolutely fucking terrified to get fully waxed, so that's not happening like, ever. and the carpet does not match the drapes, the carpet is much darker.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) she really likes to touch. it makes her feel connected. so even if they're doing the do, and changing positions and such, she wants to touch axel in some way, even for a few minutes. lot of face cupping. and rubbing his arms, weirdly. i don't know. it makes her feel intimate, okay. it's even better if it's slow, and that kinda MAKE LOVE~ bangs, but. y'know. she also is very vocal when it comes to complimenting during sex, so.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon) she rarely feels satisfied after masturbating. a lot of it is just a mental block that she has to kind of hop over herself, but she much prefers to play with someone else than just herself. so.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks) one of her secret, that she hasn't accepted or whatever, kinks is like.. collaring. but then she sees Other People and it weirdly creeps her out but she kinda wants one of those little cute collars. not related to animal things. i think she just mainly digs the aesthetic but. idk. one day she wants one and for axel to have a lil chain leash to pull her with. don't @ me. i don't know what other kink she has. public sex, i s'pose. public things. she's real into that, even if it's terrifying.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do) IN THE FOREST. against the trees. on the ground. in the lil lake thing. anywhere in there. it's always her fav, even if it was winter, and she just finds it way romantic.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) dirty talking for reaaaal. and like, mega neck kissing. whispering in the ear. y'know. grope her bum a little, and wow, wouldja look at that, she's gonna rub it against you.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) fisting. like she is absolutely not into that, will not try it, try to fist her and she will kick you in the face so fucking face. it's not even funny. Do Not. she also has a bad turn off to bad breath. like real bad. gtf level bad.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) i mean, she's rarely gonna say no to getting oral, but she really digs giving it more. she really did realise what deepthroating was cause of glee, and she knows she can do it and when she does it and gets the reaction she wanted?? she is just beamin' happily.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.) it depends on the day, ok. it really does. the mood. sometimes a bitch wanna be slow and sensual and Loved.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.) well i mean. she's for it. she's participated in some. they're great for momentarily scratching an itch if there's a time crunch. like when either her or axel's plane is gonna leave and they wanna get one last bang in before not seeing each other for month. she obviously prefers the full blown kinda sex, but quickies can be hot. esp if their clothes are still on and underwears just pulled to the side. sick.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.) well, she likes public bangs, so yes, there's risk involved there. she's also really game to experiment. like she kind of is open to trying a lot of things at least once? unless she's immediately turned off by something.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…) i mean. she doesn't know how many rounds for sure. at least like, two. three, she might be too tired. she doesn't last too long, though, like. axel's good at what he does, and she knows he knows that from how easy she can end up being in his hands.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?) she does own toys, and they mostly came from axel, so they could do some distance play. the remote controlled vibrator gets used the most because axel is a goddamn MENACE. but she has fun with it, when it works and stuff. for her own self, she really just has a decent lil vibe, kinda old, she just hasn't bothered to buy a new one. i do not believe she has sex toys to use on axel. not yet. maybe One Day.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) god. she's annoying by how much she likes to tease and the lowkey power trip it gives her, like. when she got to tease axel last time she was in FL, and he was at work?? she was like yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. and it led to, in her opinion, one of the best sex experiences they've ever had together. she also sends him teasing nudes. to be a douche.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make) LMAO. sierra is a very loud girl. like. exceptionally loud. she can't help it. being quiet is an issue for her, and one she should probably work on, especially with her love for the public bangs, buuuuuuut. she's a moaner and honestly, kind of like a squeaker. it feels weird to say she's like an anime character, but it's like that, just not on a creepy childish level, ok.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice) when she cums, it's like she's seizing the fuck out. full blown shakes, she can't really help it. she is Feeling It. and also she's dramatic. so it fits her. goodbye.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words) .. she got a vagina and some tiddies fam wtf

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?) honestly it's pretty high. if she was consistently getting sex, she probably would chill out at least a little, but she's definitely on a "oh i want it all the time, why can't i have it" trip at the moment. thirsty lil shit she is.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) like i said earlier, she needs some snug time before sleeping but once that's done, she can pass out pretty easily. she's usually exhausted after sex.

#( sl. )

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bigmouthbadsleeper · 6 years

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Movies In My Mind

I’ve always had a very vivid imagination. As a child it served me well because I was rarely bored, and as a teenager it got me through some pretty lonely times. As an adult it pretty much just annoys me. I get these thoughts in my head sometimes, these little scenarios that come out of nowhere. I don’t know how or when I started doing this, but at this point, I’ve thought of them so many times that they play out like movies in my mind. These thoughts can happen anytime- while I’m working out, driving, cleaning, working, etc.- and though I know that I have control over them, they can still cause me to have a panic attack. I realize that giving power to these scenarios is a waste of my time, but my mind often lacks reason and logic. I’ll be minding my own business, shampooing my hair, or doing some other routine task, and one of these scenarios will pop into my head and my heart will start to race and I’ll start breathing heavy. I have to remind myself that nothing has even happened, I’m still in the shower, washing my hair, and not falling down a flight of stairs exposing my holey underwear (I don’t even own holey underwear). I’ve complied a list of the most common scenarios that I torture myself with on a regular basis. You might be wondering, why is she sharing this with the world? I guess it’s because I think it’s kind of funny, and I’m hoping someone else will find it funny, too. Also, I figure I can’t be the only one who does this. Maybe someone else out there can relate, and we can bond over the ridiculousness of our brains.

Tripping, falling, and exposing my underwear. Okay, so this has actually kind of happened to me once. I was walking down the hall at church, in between classes, and I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. I headed towards her to say hello, and somehow my skirt fell off! I didn’t even notice it was happening until the skirt was at my ankles, restricting my steps. I still cringe every time I think about it. I mean how do you even recover from that?? Full disclosure: I was wearing Spanx. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse, but I’m inclined to say it’s worse.

Letting go of my steering wheel on a curved road. Would I ever do this? No. But what freaks me out is that I COULD IF I WANTED TO. Doesn’t it ever make you rethink things when you realize how in control of your own destiny you are? I’ll be driving and the thought will come to me and I will start to wonder things like, “Where would my car go?”, or “How long would it be before my car stopped moving? Would it just stop, or would it stop because it crashes into a wall?” Oh yeah, I’m driving right now. Better pay attention. Yikes.

Falling off of the treadmill/elliptical. If I were the star of my own television show, there’d be a scene where I fall off of my treadmill at least five times per season. “But wouldn’t that get old?” you might ask? No, it would not. Falling is always top comedy. Falling while on a fast-paced, moving belt just makes it that much funnier. This has only come close to happening one time when I had a tangled up earbud fiasco. I got a little too cocky and tried to untangle the rat’s nest while I was running. I managed to get my footing and stop myself from falling, but it was a close call, guys. So close that I’m starting to sweat right now just thinking about it.

Losing a tooth. Not like losing a tooth when I was a kid and they were bb teeth that were meant to be lost. Like losing a fully grown, high school graduate, adult tooth. This is probably my biggest fear. It started when I was young, probably because I saw an episode of Jerry Springer or some other daytime talk show and there was a person sans teeth on there, which of course led me to freak out about the state of my own bicuspids. What would I do if my tooth got knocked out?? Once I read that if it happens, you should put the tooth in milk to preserve it, which is why I always carry a packet of milk with me. JK I don’t, but I really have thought about it because that’s how scared I am of this happening to me. Seriously you guys, HOW WOULD I RECOVER FROM THAT? I am pretty positive I couldn’t rock the missing teeth look. And this is coming from a girl who used to wear sweat pants with the name JOE JONAS emblazened on the legs out in public. In her twenties. On the regular.

Walking into the men’s room on accident. I’m going to be really honest here, the men’s room is a complete mystery to me. I have no idea what goes on in there. I caught a glimpse of one once and there were toilets on the ground- ON THE GROUND I SAY!! That seems risky to me. Usually this paranoia hits me after I’ve finished running on the elliptical at the gym and I’ve still got my headphones on and I’m all disoriented and sweaty. I mean, the boy and girl restrooms are right next to each other, I could easily meander into the wrong side! Most of the restrooms I see are marked with an “M” or a “W” which is practically the same letter even! Whose idea was that?? I think this fear might be rooted in the fact that when I was in high school, I had a job as a janitor basically, cleaning a medical office. I thought no one was left in the office so I was just carrying on like I owned the place, and stormed right into the bathroom with my cleaning supplies in my hands and I walked in on a guy going pee! I really did this! And guess what he did?? This image still haunts me to this day. He kept peeing, turned his head around, gave me a little nod, and calmly said, “Sup?” A part of me died in the bathroom that day, my friends. I can’t talk about it anymore because I am getting shortness of breath just remembering the harrowing details.

Ripping up money. Now this is one I would definitely never do, obviously!! But one day I was playing with a hundred dollar bill (because that’s what hundredaires like myself do in their free time) and I thought about how easily I could rip it into pieces and I would be $100 less rich. How weird is that? Money is just paper?? Is that really the best system for our currency? I could be $100 less rich with one tear. Ugh. That scares me worse than the Chucky movies, if I’m being honest.

Sending the wrong text to the wrong person. This one plagues me on a daily basis, because I am an avid texter, and I text multiple people throughout the day. I’m married now, but when I was single I used to make myself sick worrying about sending a text ABOUT the guy I like and the details of our non-relationship TO the guy I like, instead of to my friend. What if my boss gets the text I meant to send to my mom where I vent about my job? Or worse, what if someone (anyone) gets the text I meant to send to my mom about how I really need to have a poo but can’t go in the toilets at work? I know what you’re thinking, I shouldn’t be texting these things to people. You’re wrong. These are exactly the types of things I should be texting to people. You may also be curious as to why I text my mom about my bowel movement issues. Don’t worry. A healthy poo text is normal every once in a while.

Cutting off a chunk of my hair with craft scissors. Let me preface this one by saying that I am in a constant state of growing my hair out. I am forever wanting long hair and lacking the patience it takes to get it. All of the work I’ve been putting into having long hair would be for nothing with one snip. Sometimes I think about that scene in Sixteen Candles where Caroline gets her hair stuck in a locked door at Jake Ryan’s house and her friends get her out by cutting off the backside of her hair with scissors they found laying around the house! That scene chills. Me. To. The. Bone.

Divorce. I honestly don’t know why this terrifies me so much but I think it’s because I find it so terribly, horribly sad. I once read a statistic that said 50% of marriages end in divorce and right there on the spot I started to feel tightness in my chest. I think the very thought of something that was once so happy and full of love disolving and falling apart scares me. It leads to lots of invasive and paranoid thoughts about love. How do you ever really know if someone is right for you? How do you know that someone won’t fall out of love with you, or hurt you, etc. You know, the usual sad cocktail. It’s just like universal smart woman June Carter Cash said, “It burns, burns, burns.” Being with my husband has really helped me calm down about broken love in relation to myself, but I still worry a great deal about all the other relationships out there. It doesn’t matter if I know them personally or not. I still haven’t fully processed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce, and I can make myself depressed just by thinking about Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder’s breakup, and they were never even married! I have so many feelings, my friends. So many.

Good news, these irrational fears actually have a clinical name! They’re called “intrusive thoughts”, and according to the internet (v reliable source for information), four out of five people experience intrusive thoughts on a regular basis. An intrusive thought is described as “an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.” If that aint me, right? I don’t know if it’s more comforting to have a name for what I’m experiencing, or if it makes me feel more insane. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one going through this, though. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone, and that there are others who can relate to me. That’s what life is all about, I think; connecting with others by sharing our experiences with them. Kinda makes all the difficult stuff we go through seem special, doesn’t it?

#anxiety #irrational fears

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