#also the vibe for this and the b brag comic were basically like

[haikyuu-sins]

Fluff Alphabet-Trafalgar Law

Since no one wanted to send me any Law requests, I took matters into my own hands and did this. I got the prompt from @dragonprincess18 so thank you for this because I needed it! :) 

*********

A-Activities: What do they like to do with their boyfriends/girlfriend? How do they spend their free time together?

For the most part, if you’re on the sub with him and there’s nowhere to go but yours and his rooms, his office, and the kitchen area he prefers to stay in his office and room because he enjoys the quiet. Law absolutely loves reading with you. Especially if you’re reading one of his medical books and you ask questions about it. He just really likes that you’re interested in it and want to learn more. He also likes that you know about this kind of stuff in case you need the information. If you do know that he likes Sora, Warrior of the Sea, (he will try to hide it) then he’ll probably geek out once or twice about it. You can’t help but smile when he talks about it so in depth because you love seeing him talk about something he enjoys. If you aren’t on the sub and you’re on a new island, he will begrudgingly (he secretly loves it, but won’t admit) explore the town with you as long as the last stop is a book store of some sort.

B-Beauty: What do they admire about their boyfriends/girlfriend? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He admires how much you care about him. He can see how much you do and he hasn’t had someone like that since Cora. He melts on the inside when he sees you smiling at him and he’s the reason for it.

C-Comfort: How would they help their boyfriends/girlfriend when they feel down, have a panic attack, etc?

He understands what it’s like and sometimes because from time to time he’ll get them when he’s alone. It depends on how you want to be comforted. If you don’t want to be touched, he won’t. He’ll probably just go to the kitchen and get you something warm to drink to help you calm down. But if physical touch helps you, he’ll have you sit on his desk and he’ll rub your thigh or he’ll let you sit on his lap while he rubs your back up and down or cards his fingers through your hair. He’ll reassure you that everything is going to be okay and it’s going to pass and it’s not going to last forever. He lets you talk about it after it’s over and listens to what you have to say. Law will give you advice on what he thinks will help you in whatever situation you’re in. When he sees you sad, he just wants to hold you because he hates seeing you sad. He’ll bring you your favorite comfort drink and food to his room with you (even though I think he’d hate having food and drinks in his bed, he would absolutely make an exception for you) and you guys will just cuddle together while you talk about what’s wrong.

D-Dreams: How do they picture their future with their boyfriends/girlfriend?

Law doesn’t exactly think very far. He’s basically on a suicide mission so honestly he doesn’t see a future yet. Once everything is over and if he survives then he starts to think about his future with you because he really doesn’t want to get your hopes up. He really just always wants to be around you and as long as you’re there with him, everything is perfectly fine. 

E-Equal: Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

He’s a little bit of both, it depends on the day. I’d say he very much tends to be on the more dominant side but there are days where he’s just kind of, whatever about things. That’s only when he has time to relax and that’s almost never.

F-Fight: Would they be easy to forgive their boyfriends/girlfriend? How are they fighting?

I think you’d probably fight with him about how he’s so willing and ready to throw his life away for his causes and how much it bothers you. He says some hurtful things that he’ll admit that he only said out of anger. He’ll be angry for a while but eventually he’ll go and talk to you about the fight and apologize for what he said to you.

G-Gratitude: How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their boyfriends/girlfriend do for them?

He’s very grateful for the things you do for him but he may not show it all the time. Like when he forgets to eat and you bring him something that you made for him. He’s also very aware that you take care of him better than he takes care of himself in terms of making him eat and drink water instead of coffee for once.

H-Honesty: Do they have secrets they hide from their boyfriends/girlfriend? Or do they share everything?

He hides a lot. Law is not a very open person and I don’t even think he’s told his crew about his entire past. You might be an exception but honestly, don’t count on it. It’s difficult to get him to open up about himself and you do have to pry a lot. He might get a little annoyed, but when you tell him that you just want to know more about him, he may give in a bit and tell you a thing or two. Definitely hides the fact that he loves Sora, Warrior of the Sea. He doesn’t know that there’s a good chance that you’ve seen the comics before so he thinks he does a good job at hiding them. They’re either in a box under his bed or in his desk drawer.

I-Inspiration: Did their boyfriends/girlfriend change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things, or helping them overcome personal problems?

If you do get him to open up, you made him realize how good it feels to get things off his chest. Law has been living with this weight on his shoulders about his past and everything that has happened to him. So when you sit there and just listen to him, he likes knowing that you’re actually listening and taking it all in. Don’t say anything, just let him talk. It’s very rare that he comes and talks to you about his problems because he feels like he’s dragging you into unnecessary drama about his plans. He’s taught you to look at things from a different perspective and to think things out thoroughly.

J-Jealousy: Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He doesn’t get jealous at all really, mostly annoyed I guess. He doesn’t really do anything unless you can’t get out of the situation, it gets out of hand, or you look to him for help. If he does get jealous, he doesn’t say it and you’ll have to ask Mr. PoutyPants about it. He’ll be shut in his office and probably be a bit petty about it. I can see him hating the fact that Sanji gives you a lot of attention if you don’t shut it down. He may or may not tell you to “go talk to your other boyfriend” at some point because, well, petty. 

K-Kiss: Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Oh he’s a good kisser alright. Among plenty other things. Something tells me that pre timeskip Law would be a cocky bastard and pull you to him by your shirt and lift your chin and whatnot- just being a tease. But post timeskip Law just gives me awkward vibes but in the best way possible. He’d be a little more shy about it, honestly I think he may even plan it out in his head and just hopes that everything goes accordingly. 

L-Love Confession: How would they confess to their boyfriends/girlfriend?

He didn’t realize his feelings until the two of you were in real danger. Well he actually did but he didn’t want to admit it. He thought he was really good at pushing his feelings down and not letting bubble up but seeing you so bloody and beat up, it changed in an instant. He knew that he couldn’t lose you. When he was able to patch you up and you woke up after asking how he was, Law was mad. “How am I? You should be asking about yourself, dumbass-ya.” “Seriously Law, are you okay?” “No. I could have lost you.” That’s basically his confession and it’s the best you’re going to get until you actually hear him say that he loves you.

M-Marriage: Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

I don’t think Law would want to get married-officially, anyway- he’s not the kind of guy to settle down. He’s a pirate. If you wanted a ring, then sure he’ll get you one but I don’t think he would actually propose to you. It would be more like an unspoken thing that you guys are very much together so technically you’re married in his eyes and he’ll call you his wife/partner. **Spoilers for Wano Arc!!!** When you get captured and are in the prison with Bepo and the others and when Shinobu says to kill you guys after she thinks you snitched, he’s pissed. Absolutely livid. “You think I’m going to let you put a finger my wife/partner? You’ll be dead before you can take one step towards them.”

N-Nicknames: What do they call their boyfriends/girlfriend?

The only name I can think of him calling you is possibly “love” but it is in the utmost of privacy when he absolutely knows that no one can hear him. He just gets all flustered when others tease him for it and it’s happened a handful of times. The bedroom though is a different story

O-On Cloud Nine: What are they like when they’re in love? Is it obvious to others? How do they express their feelings?

Oh it’s so painfully obvious when he loves you to everyone but him. He thinks he’s hiding it so well, but the small unnecessary touches say otherwise. A brush past your shoulder, “Here, I made extra tea,” or him not yelling at you when you come into his office without knocking on accident. It’s the little things that make it obvious when he thinks it’s not. 

P-PDA: Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag about their boyfriends/girlfriend in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss, etc, when others are watching?

Not really. The only time he would do something like that is if you needed some sort of help and someone was hitting on you and you asked him to come over. “I don’t think my partner is very interested. I think it would be best if you leave.” He doesn’t brag very much, I’m sorry, he’s just not that kind of guy. He would much rather have your relationship be private. That being said, yes he’s way too shy to kiss you in front of others. Unless he’s sleepy, you might be able to get away with a little peck here and there. 

Q-Quirk: Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

He’s in no way romantic but what he does notice is when you and him are walking along some shops and he sees when something catches your eye or when you look at something longer than the rest. You may find it on your pillow that night. (He will have stolen it.) It makes you happy and that’s all he cares about.

R-Romance: How romantic are they? What would they do to make their boyfriends/girlfriend happy? Cliche, or rather creative?

There is not one romantic bone in this man’s body. He very much relies on his crew to help him. It’s not like they set everything up, although they have a few times but it was a surprise on both of your parts. They wanted you two to have a nice evening together by yourselves and be able to relax without planning it all. That all being said, the romantic stuff is a little on the cliche side, but in the best way possible and it makes really nice memories. 

S-Support: Are they helping their boyfriends/girlfriend achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Oh my goodness yes yes yes! He might not show it often but every once in a while he’ll say that he’s proud of you at how far you’ve come as a pirate. Especially if he’s helped you train and feels how much stronger your punches and kicks are.

T-Thrill: Do they need to try out new things to spice up the relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Routine. Routine. Routine. He does not want to differ from his routine. Sure one new thing every once in a while is okay depending on what it is. But he probably won’t want to incorporate it into the everyday relationship. He likes what he has going with you. Though if you insist on something new, then he’ll try it and see if he gets used to it. If he doesn’t he’ll say something about it. If he does, he’ll stay quiet and not mention it. The second you do is when he wants to stop.

U-Understanding: How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He gets you. How well depends on how far you are in the relationship and how much you’ve talked. He’s also not very empathetic, I’m sorry. He’ll say what he thinks is best no matter what you may think about it and how much it will hurt your feelings. Sometimes it’s best because you can see another perspective and maybe he can help you from there. He will empathize with you if there’s a death or something tragic happens, he’s not that cruel. He would be there for you. 

V-Value: How important is the relationship to them? What is it worth in comparison to other things in their life?

You’re one of the most important things to Law in the world. He’s even found himself second guessing his plans and missions because he doesn’t want to lose you somehow. *spoilers I guess* If Doflamingo or Kaido ever got his hands on you and hurt you, he’d never forgive himself. He does put you first though and like I said before, you’ve argued with him over his plans and he’s very headstrong about it so he’s not going to back down.

W-Wild Card: A random fluff headcanon.

He’s let you paint his nails black one time and one time only. He won’t tell you that he actually didn’t mind it but he made you take it off before you guys went out to eat with the crew.

X-XOXO: Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Only in private. He’s a touch starved baby and he does actually really appreciate your touch when he’s stressed. So if you come into his office when he’s working on something and you can tell he’s ready to rip his hair out, he’ll love if you came up to him and hugged him from behind or rubbed his shoulders. Law actually does like to cuddle at night though when he’s trying to sleep. He’s found that when you’re either on his chest or he’s holding you it’s easier for him to get some shut eye even if it’s just for a few hours.

Y-Yearning: How will they cope when they’re missing their boyfriends/girlfriend?

He copes well enough. Of course he does miss you but he’s not going to cry about it. He might just kinda lean back in his office chair and sigh while he’s thinking about you. But when he’s really missing you, he’ll take a picture out from his desk that Bepo and Penguin made him take with you. He looks annoyed in the photo and he’s rolling his eyes, but he only pays attention to you and your bright smile and goofy pose. He can’t help but smile fondly at it. He won’t admit it but he actually really loves the picture and would never tell Bepo and Penguin that.

Z-Zeal: Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind?

Absofuckinlutely! He loves you with all his heart even if he doesn’t say it very often. He hasn’t loved someone like this in a very long time so he wants to protect what he has with you at all costs. I 100% believe he would risk his life for you. He does not want to lose you or anyone he loves ever again.

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

[frasier-crane-style]

Wonder Woman (2017)

Overall, I'd say it's a B, but a B from a student who was getting all Fs before whose parents love him and want to see him do well, while Marvel is a straight-A student who occasionally slips and gets a B. Not that we have to compare them, but that's the comparison. I'm guessing a lot of this is going to look bad in hindsight when the hyperbole dies down and only the fundamentally solid stuff is left.

Bad

Once more, we get a ‘Greek mythology’ movie that is just Christian cosplay, like one of those Buzzfeed pieces about Disney princesses as bacteria. Zeus is God, Ares is Lucifer, and Diana is Jesus. Boring, lazy, stupid. By the end of the movie, all of the gods are dead, making you wonder what the point of bringing in Greek mythology even was. What’s Greek myth without Hermes, or Hera, or Mount Olympus at all? This is a Wonder Woman who can’t even say Great Hera, because if she worshiped anyone, it’d be Zeus. They don’t even have any mythological beasts show up.

Good

Gal Gadot is actually quite good at this after being largely unremarkable in Batman Vs. Superman, but I feel like the “she’s Christopher Reeve as Superman all over again!” people are either fooling themselves or grading on one hell of a curve. She’s still pretty scrawny—the producers talking about how they hired female commandos and bikers and pro wrestlers and such to play the Amazons is hilarious when you consider they all disappear from the movie thirty minutes in and it’s all a skinny little supermodel with perfect cheekbones from there—and that keeps her from being 100%. I think a Christopher Reeve Superman situation is one where you can’t picture anyone else in the part, and I think someone like Lynn Collins or Bridget Regan could’ve done as good if not better. But, why quibble?

Bad

They wait way too long to reveal Ares and spend way too long on a guy who’s only a red herring, complete with his Bane drugs that just allow him to put up a fight with Wondy for two minutes. Then she kills him, again, in two minutes, and gets into a much bigger fight with the real Ares a second later. Wouldn’t it have worked just as well if she threw a punch and just smeared General Cat Scare against the wall? Anyway, by the end, Ares has like five minutes to stump ‘humans suck, you’re the Godkiller, I’m your brother, let’s work together, oh hey your boyfriend died, he was weak and pathetic, or, I mean, he abandoned you, I mean, aren’t you mad at this woman who was sorta responsible for killing him? Kill her and join me, because I want to marry you or rule at your side or something. I know you just killed like fifty Germans, but dropping a tank on this one non-teenager will decide your fate! Also, she’s so comically evil that she gets turned on talking about death, but she’s also, you know, a person too!”

Good

The No Man’s Land sequence.

Bad

Typical Amazon pacifism in this. “We must never raise our hands in anger. Oh, shit, who are those people? KILL THEM ALL! KILL THAT GUY WHO MIGHT BE ONE OF THEM! IS HE NOT ONE OF THEM? KILL HIM ANYWAY!”

Good

Even if the actual backstory was balls, I liked the Bottulucci painting vibe they give the Amazons’ origin. It seems that’s de rigeur for every one of these epic summer blockbusters now, but it was done well here.

Bad

“Hey, we’re the Amazons. When bad guys attack and we have the high ground and are armed with ranged weapons, we love to rappel down and run up to them with our bows and arrows so that we can shoot them really close. No way that could backfire on us! Warrior race, baby!”

(I’m surprised that when she got to the WW1 trenches, Diana didn’t need to have the concept of ‘cover’ explained to her.)

Good

The chemistry between Diana and Steve is great, even if they literally write him as standing naked in front of her bragging about his junk one moment, then refusing to sleep next to her because they’re not married the next.

Bad

I get fish out of water, but Diana doesn’t understand the concept of the chain of command? Amazon society has a queen, senators, and an army, but no one gives orders? There aren’t discussions that members of the public aren’t privy to? There isn’t even the idea of lowering your voice in a public place so you can have a private conversation about a sensitive subject?

I get what they’re going for, but the whole “FEMINISM!” thing falls flat when it’s not like any ol’ GUY off the street can be let into a top-level war council either, right? With no security clearance? If he can, man, were those German spies who went after Steve wasting their time. You could’ve just walked into Allied High Command and started shooting, or found out what they were planning. And no one would have a problem with it because you’re not a woman.

Good/Bad

The costume is colorful enough, faithful, and aesthetically pleasing, but damn is that skirt short. I mean, it’s not even a miniskirt. I know, I know, I’m a sexist pig, but it’s a bit hard to take Diana’s angst over war crimes seriously when she’s wearing something with the coverage of a WWE championship belt. At least Supergirl’s skirt is within a day’s walk of her knees. Diana’s just a walking upskirt shot.

Bad

C’mon, they changed the whole setting to WW1 to avoid Captain America comparisons, then they do away with the male lead in the exact same way? That’s just lazy. And as I pointed out, the ‘it’s on a timer!’ thing was stupid.

Good/Bad

They give Diana and Steve a colorful band of multiethnic sidekicks (who are… soldiers? Smugglers? Spies? Unclear. Steve has to bribe them, but they also take orders for him, or… something? Anyway, they’re some of those mercenary types who are only mercenaries to be won over by the hero and do the right thing). That made sense in Captain America, since Cap is just an Olympic athlete, but with Wondy supposed to be Superman-level powerful, it comes off a little yeah, okay. Like when they make themselves useful by giving her a ‘boast’ to get a sniper in a clock tower. Yeah, she can jump 100 feet into the air, but not 106 feet. Gotcha.

At least they keep it down to the reasonable number of three people and give all of them an introduction and a bit of personality instead of “This is Katana! Her sword steals souls!” If you’re told me that one of the Howling Commandoes in First Avenger was, say, Kevin Sorbo, I’d buy it. He could’ve been in there, who knows?

Bad

Diana’s catchphrase here is “It's not about deserve. It's about what you believe,” which is basically her saying “humanity doesn’t deserve my help, because I’m so awesome, but I’m going to help them anyway.” Which, again, basically her being Jesus, only she’s actually a woman in a very short skirt who’s good at punching. If it’s weird to make Superman into the Christ, it’s even weirder to do it with Diana. And a bit of a snobbish thing to say. Can you imagine Batman going “these Gothamites don’t deserve my help, but I’m a really cool guy, so…”?

Bad

“Where I’m from, generals fight alongside their troops!” Really? And how’d that work out? Seems like Themyscira would've been kinda screwed if they needed to come up with a battle plan and their top woman had just bled out on a beach. Obviously, you can criticize the callousness of WW1 military leadership, but not by comparing it to a made-up fantasy culture. Yeah, and did you know that in Ponyland, Princess Sparkles doesn’t ever drop bombs on people?

Bad

The movie has Diana sorta slowly working out her abilities throughout the first act instead of just knowing them by the time she reaches present-day. Well, I guess she’s in her twenties or so, so it’s going to take her a little while yet to figure out how to jump long distances and climb up walls—what? She’s actually the daughter of Zeus and thousands of years old?  Talk about your slow learners.

Bad

Diana: I see now! The true superpower is… LOVE.

Diana: *blows the shit out of Ares… but lovingly, I guess*

Yeah, it’s kinda crazy that this film’s multimillion dollar treatment of Diana defeating Ares isn’t as clever or thoughtful as what George Perez came up with some forty years ago, with Diana forcing Ares to see that if he keeps pushing humanity into wars, it’ll end with a nuclear holocaust that’ll leave nothing for him to rule over.

Here, though, Ares isn’t empowered by worship, so why should he care? And/but he’s pushing for an armistice to keep the war at a slow boil already (until WW2), only he’s also helping the General start the war up again full blast. It really shows what a house of cards the plot is and how Ares’s characterization, plan, and motivation don’t actually make sense. Just tell me this… if Diana had never showed up, how would his plan have played out? He gets the WW2 armistice, but also the Germans conquering everything through the super-mustard gas? Which is it? What does he even want?

Baddest

This is absolutely a movie in 2017 where someone sees someone else about to be shot and dives in front of them while screaming NOOOOOO! And then the other person sees them get hit and screams NOOOOOOOOOO!