#also they have bpd and are a narcissist. i'm saying this with no prejudice at all btw ^_^

[leatherbookmark]

i quite wish slash hope jgy (i’m talking about him because he’s my #1 boy but this also goes for jc and xy and probably every character that inspires such takes) didn’t have the fandom just... regurgitating the most random takes and/or treating them as gospel and Such Good, Insightful Meta because it agrees with their Vibe Read of jgy, when said Vibe Read is 99% rooted in fandom and maybe 1% in zanzan’s evil smiles, and Very Little, If At All, rooted in the things that happen in canon.

[bondsmagii]

the last anon about "psychopaths" is correct and reminded me of another thing: how everyone views people with Cluster B Personality Disorders (antisocial personality disorder(ASPD aka "sociopathy"), borderline personality disorder(BPD), histrionic personality disorder(HPD), and narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) like dogshit.

I have BPD (and some other shit that amplifies it), went through some godawful phases, and have been in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy(RODBT) but it can't prepare me for a hyper-specific instance where I don't know what to do, nothing ever can. When I google search something in regards to managing my BPD, I get shit like "every person with BPD will always drain you and do not befriend someone with BPD they will always manipulate you they're a yandere oooh aaah scary noooo" and I am so fucking tired. I know my disorder makes me a fucking awful person at times and I know, deep down, I am not an awful person but "people with BPD tend to see themselves as the victim" so I think I actually am an awful person in denial. That is not to say that I am immune to consequences or because I can't control it. I can control myself and everyone can. I am always responsible for my actions and any repercussions that follow.

But there's support for BPD. I know there's also support for HPD and even NPD, but ASPD is not much. one of my cluster Bitches in crime has ASPD, and every time I see someone throw the word "sociopath" around like it's the communal piss pot I get angry. I'm "hyper-empathetic/sympathetic" and hyper-emotional as a whole and I get angry because "that isn't even fucking true you incompetent troglodyte."

TLDR: dawg we just trynna fuckin live here, it isn't our fault we turned out this way. We're more than our disorder/diagnosis

(this is in reference to this ask, not the most recent, as I am a disgrace when it comes to answering asks in a timely manner.)

this is something that has long, long pissed me off. I mean I have been bitching about this for years, and I still get so mad about it. did you know that the subreddit for BPD bans people with BPD from subscribing or posting? it's literally just full of people bitching about their BPD partners/friends/family members and talking about how horrible and awful and irredeemable people with BPD are, and the language is very much like they believe these people are choosing to be that way. I don't deny that BPD can and does make people act in terrible ways, but the way I've seen people talk about it makes me think they see no difference between this and people without BPD who just choose to be abusive. fair enough if someone uses BPD as an excuse to never change, but everyone I have met with BPD has been very aware of it and working very hard to manage their symptoms. the fact that they can't even Google resources to help them without seeing absolutely disgraceful articles talking about them as though they're pet dogs to be trained is abhorrent. (I have literally seen articles talking about "how to deal with/manage your borderline" -- what absolutely disgusting language to use about human beings. this is a personality disorder, not a dog breed.)

honestly, all Cluster B disorders get an atrocious amount of shit. it's like I've always said: people are so full of support and love to talk the talk until somebody with a mental illness or a personality disorder acts "scary" or "bad," and then nobody's interested. it's the same bullshit behind everyone yelling about making mentally ill people "look bad" if you acknowledge that somebody who committed a crime was mentally ill. look at what happens if you point out that sane people don't commit mass shootings, lmao. people just cannot deal with the moral nuance of accepting that mentally ill people, or people with personality disorders, may be abusive or may be criminals, but they still deserve support. maybe if people didn't have such unexamined prejudices against criminals, they might not struggle with this so much -- but again, criminals deserve support and human rights until they commit a "really bad" crime like murder or rape, and then apparently they're monsters and animals and deserve to die. it's hypocrisy, baby. people do not like feeling uncomfortable and they don't like looking as though they "support" bad things -- and so you end up with bullshit like this. respecting the human rights of dangerously mentally ill people, or people with "scary" personality disorders, apparently means condoning bad behaviour. it's the most smooth-brained shit.

tl;dr if people stopped using their morality to make themselves look good and instead based it on principales that would make a better world for everyone, we probably wouldn't have this problem.

[textsfromtheborderline]

I'm gonna be honest: I like your posts a lot, think they're informative and look good. The reason I don't follow you/RB any of your posts is because you once made a post where you referred to "narcissistic abuse", a term that unfairly stigmatises NPD. However, since then I think you may have deleted it, and have made posts that indicate you don't support the stigma against NPD. Basically, what I'm asking is, do you believe narcissistic abuse is a valid term? (If i got the wrong person, my bad!)

Hey, thanks for asking!

I deeply appreciate that you like my inforgraphics. 

I never made a post referringto “Narcissistic abuse;” it was in the original FAQ page of my blog whereI used it to describe my experiences with my NPD/ASPD abuser. Rest assured,I’ll be addressing this concept and your question in a much more detailed and impactful way in the not too distant future…

For now, I will say that no,I do not believe any longer that “Narcissistic abuse” (or Borderlineabuse, for that matter) is a valid term.

Why I used tothink it was valid:

I had never before in my life encountered such cruel emotionalabuse + manipulation. It completely crushed me. I was ignorant to thisparticular mental illness. Once I identified the behaviour of my abuser (thanksGoogle!), Narcissistic abuse seemed the appropriate term to describe my livedexperiences and the bewildering behaviour of NPD.I initially simply thought that “My abuser is a Narcissist” + “abuse” = Narcissisticabuse. I didn’t really think of it as being a part of stigma or its own specialcategory until I started finding out about the experiences of other abusesurvivours.

The articles, vlogs, books, and blogs I’d relied on for informationwhile I was going No Contact and just beginning my recovery process allconfirmed that Narcissistic abuse was quite distinct from run-of-the-millabuse. I thought that so many similar experiences could not all be wrong. The most prominent reasons offered were: 1) Narcissists are inherently abusive;they exist to torment unsuspecting people so everyone is a potential SupplySource/victim2) Narcissists prey upon HSP/Empaths inparticular, which makes the abuse distinct, insidious, and especiallydestructive.Of course, I’ll point out that these two statements are highly contradictoryand present a black + white/ good vs. evil narrative that honestly has no placewhen it comes to discussing mental health in an open, honest and well informedway. It is difficult and impractical to moralize mental illness.Now before I knew about my BPD, HSP/Empath was the first concept Iencountered that really reflected my inner processes since childhood. It turnedout to be correct, along with BPD. But I didn’t have all the information Ishould have had, so the context within which I was processing information aboutmyself and about NPD was skewed.

My own painful experiences + misinformation=prejudice. Honestly, Ididn’t want to consider that what hadhappened to me was simply “ordinary” abuse. It still felt far too significantin my life, and affected me personally on such a deep level, that I felt thatto consider it anything other than “Narcissistic abuse” dismissed + invalidatedmy experiences. I thought Narcissists were trying to excuse abuse and tomanipulate perception of their disorder. I never cared to consider the stigmabecause I was too wrapped up in my own experiences.

This was my perspective until very recently, when I started thisblog.

Why I don’tthink it’s valid anymore:

Learning about my BPD was the catalyst for me starting tochallenge stigma. I got sick and tired of being labelled a “demon” or “monster.”Especially since the way I live completely contradicts those labels. I have never abused anyone, and I never will-mental illness or no. I’d had enough of the misinformation, distortions, outright lies, and lack ofresources for Borderlines. I wanted to make a difference. So here I am justtrying my best in hopes that it helps.

Other Narcissists and abuse survivours writing to me and gentlyexplaining that there was no such thing as Narcissistic abuse. I was able toconsider their perspective this time because I had hit a “recovery wall:” Iwasn’t progressing with healing or knowledge, I was stagnating. The reason why is because I found that the online recovery community was nolonger helping; it was frightening me with the toxic, misinformed, and franklyhateful + dogmatic rhetoric being spread under the guise of “recovery.”Where I once found solidarity, I now found the very same emotions I was tryingto heal from: anger, despair, confusion, and rage. These people were no longermy fellow abuse survivours. I saw them for what they were: people stuck andhyperfixated on their suffering, blinded by emotion, professing to a truth theythought was complete, but actually doing more harm than good.While I still check up on a few YouTube channels, I do it because these arefocused on recovery and healthy coping mechanisms, not on demonizing Narcissistsand wallowing in the aftermath of abuse. But even then, I take them with agrain of salt.It also bothers me that so many channels/blogs/authors monetize their preciousknowledge. That kind of vulture-like opportunism on the suffering + desperationof victims hurts us all.Fundamentally, any kind of “knowledge” about BPD and NPD that does not includean open, honest discussion between non-personality disordred people (abusevictims or not) and personality disordered people, cannot truly be knowledge because it’s missing key information +perspectives of the Cluster B community.That’s why I became disillusioned with the recovery community. Ifind them all so amusing and pathetic now. In my opinion (which may be harsh),the survivours who are truly committed to recovery and moving on have checkedout of that toxic community and are learning + healing on their own terms.

I wasn’t furious or in pain anymore; my hate and despair hadburned out. I was ready to truly moveon. And moving on meant acknowledging that I had gaping holes in my knowledge.It was time to humble myself and learn once again.

So when I was told to consider Narcissistic abuse as invalid, I actually listened.

The term “Narcissistic abuse” is invalid because while the abuse aperson experienced is real and valid, itis not its own special category. There isno disorder that makes someone abusive. Abuse is a choice that is made mynon-disordered and disordered people alike.Mentally ill people, particularly Cluster Bs, do need to managepotentially dangerous symptoms. But they are not inherently abusive. It’s also important to keep in mind that moreoften than not, they are actually the ones beingabused.

So ultimately, “Narcissistic abuse” does more harm than goodbecause to blame a disorder for the choice to inflict abuseis just taking the blame off the abuser. They are at fault for whatthey did, and to use their disorder as a reason for why they did it is givingthem an out.

To be clear, I contributed heavily in my own way to the stigmaagainst NPD (and I will also be talking about this openly in the near future aswell). I said some hateful and quite ignorant things to my abuser. I dehumanizedher in order to fully go No Contact. She was not a person, I convinced myself,she was a Narcissist and therefore Iwas allowed to dismiss her thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It was the only (wrong) way I thought wasavailable to me at the time.

I felt completely justified because I was furious and in terriblepain from the abuse; I was betrayed by my best friend and partner of sevenyears, and it just felt righteous to lash out. I don’t take those things back,but I do wish I had been able to reach a reasonable, calm state of mind inorder to truly understand. The situation did not permit it at the time. But it’s been two years of NoContact. Two years filled with tears, learning, growth, victories, andknowledge. I realize now that I was misinformed and even plainly wrong aboutwhat I once thought I knew. That’s okay, because here I am now.

As far as I’m concerned, my abuser can rot in hell. I am happy tohave finally reached a point in my recovery process where I am completely emotionallydetached from her and absolutely cannot care less about anything to do with her(which is a big deal for me so I celebrate it).

No Contact has served me well, and will continue to do so. Istrongly encourage + support everyone to go No Contact with abusive Narcissists and Borderlines.But that is precisely the distinction: having the knowledge and understandingavailable in order to separate the abusers from the genuinely decent Cluster Bpeople, which in my experience is the majority of us.

But that’s an important discussion for another time.

I hope this answers your question!