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robronsecretsanta · 5 years

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Fic: “There must always be a Dingle in Wishing Well.”

@scrapyardboyfriends, to merge it with Robron, I played fast and loose (or maybe not that fast, but definitely loose) with the universe of A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones. Since George R.R. Martin did the same with the definition of ‘a trilogy’, I believe I’m ok. This is not a full blown AU because of the deadline, just a taste of one that I thought you might enjoy. Merry Christmas from your secret santa!

Rating: G Word count: 4588

“There must always be a Dingle in Wishing Well.”

Those were the last words Ser Zak had stressed to him before heading for the south, and they continue to reverberate in Aaron’s mind as he’s making his way between the weirwoods in complete darkness. His uncle had turned southward accompanied by his son, Cain, to face the challenge of the Whites. That family’s wealth and machinations had bought them first the king’s ear and later, as the whispered accusations claimed, his death as well. Ser Zak and Cain did not return. Before they left, his uncle repeated that final reminder. For eons, the Dingles were the Wardens of the North, overseeing it from the castle of Wishing Well. They were pledged not only to defend the North’s territories, but also the collective memories its people swore by. It now fell to Aaron to lead and protect its men. An odd position to suddenly hold, since unlike other rulers in the kingdoms, the Dingles did not raise their children separate from the population they would come to govern. As strange as it was to take this role on, it was the one that Aaron Dingle was born and trained for his whole life. It was the circumstances of how he would step into it that none of them had anticipated.

The weirwoods whisper all around Aaron in the dark of night. He has felt more than once like he was on the brink of understanding what their leaves were rustling about. Even though this gut feeling has never materialised, it gave him a sense of profoundness whenever he walked through the ancient weirwood grove that lay at the heart of the castle grounds. As alert as he must be right now, that sense is still present in him. He continues to make his way among the trees on his own, though he knows the Barton lad, the one that Ser Zak took in as a boy to be his companion, is close on his heels and keeps within earshot. It’s fine, the agreement allowed both sides to bring along up to one servant, as long as those men were kept back. He could afford agreeing to this when he was on his own turf. Aaron is reaching the dark pool next to which the meeting is to take place.

He’s meant to come face to face here with the heir to the House of Sugden, claimant to the throne of the kingdoms. The young man who, so the stories insist, has hatched fire-breathing dragons that can take over the world. If even half of what Aaron’s heard is true, the Sugdens can help him defeat his enemies from the south, as well as the free folk to the north, lurking beyond the great wall. Aaron’s not that sure he does believe the fantastic tales that he’s heard. The meeting place itself is meant to be somewhat of a test. The Sugden heir would have to find his way to the castle in the middle of the night with only one servant as aid, then he’d have to scale the high and impenetrable walls of Wishing Well and next, he would have to navigate without moonlight between the trees that have been growing thick and wild here since the dawn of time. A dragon would be one of the very few ways that this could be done by a complete stranger to these parts.

Aaron didn’t bring a torch with him, to light the path. He knew one won’t be needed for him to find his way around the weirwoods. Besides, he feels comfortable in this darkness. It’s more of an advantage to him than a problem. Now all he needs to do is wait. He hopes it won’t be for long.

A stirring of the leaves nearby is his first indication that he was wrong to assume he’s alone.

“You’ve finally arrived,” he hears the voice before it’s followed by an odd sound and as if out of nowhere, there’s a lit torch held up between him and a young man.

Or rather, Aaron thinks he’s young. In the small circle of light cast by the torch, he finds it hard to decipher whether the deep lines etched in the man’s face are due to age or too many concerns that he’s carried. Not too tall, dark hair, eyes that appear dark as well, but it’s almost impossible to tell if they really are, a mole. There’s no reason to be disappointed by appearances, but for whatever reason, Aaron expected someone more impressive. Maester Kirk had suggested an arranged marriage with the heir of this grand house if all else should fail. Aaron’s first reaction was an angry complete and total rejection of the idea that he’d wed a Sugden, political necessity or not. A few ravens later, carrying bad news from the south beneath their wings, and he acknowledged that he may have to resort to that. If there is no other choice left, then he will, but he would certainly explore every alternative option. Actually facing the heir of that great, and hated, house, the man’s look strikes Aaron as the wrong one to bind himself forever to. It’s proving to be yet one more reason why he hopes to resolve this by other means.

“I see you’ve arrived ahead of time. Not wanting to waste any?” he responds. He wants to be careful, appraise the man standing opposite him.

“Precisely. Shall we discuss our terms for collaboration?”

Blunt. Aaron can appreciate that, but he thinks he picks up on the heir’s voice being a little scared. His gut reaction to that is to dislike that note of fear. If the man is honest about what brought him here, why should he be fearful?

“You’re not going to ask me to bend the knee first?”

The Sugden heir’s face falls, like it strikes him that this is what he was meant to lead with, but then he immediately recovers. “I’m not going to ask, because you will.”

That’s one way to cover your tracks, Aaron supposes. It’s not a very good one, it leaves little room for negotiation. If this is the political prowess the Sugdens can now offer, it may not be that wise for the Dingle House to tie itself to them.

“Will I? Why should I do that? You need me, my Lord,” not Your Highness, “or you wouldn’t be here. Should I ask you to bend the knee, then?”

Anger flashes across the heir’s face.

“It is true what they say about you, then? That you are in open rebellion and have declared yourself King in the North?”

“No, my Lord,” an expression of surprise chases the anger away at that, “my people are the ones who declared it. Should their will not concern me more than yours?”

“Maybe, if you want to live,” the anger’s back, the kind driven by a helplessness at the face of a challenge to one’s authority or status. Not a desirable trait in an ally. Even less so in a husband.

The corners of Aaron’s lips are drawn down of their own accord, unimpressed. “And maybe you want to do something about that hair,” he spits out before he really considers it.

“You dare…!” the man cries out and his hand is suddenly up in the air, mid way to striking Aaron. It’s clad by a gauntlet, it will hurt. It’s meant to, a physical injury in return for an insult. The motion is registered quickly in the mind of a Dingle who was brought up to be a warrior, giving Aaron time to consider his next move. The most natural instinct he has is to reach for the sword in his belt, but he knows that is the wrong response. He can’t afford to pull it out of its sheath, not at this instance. His goal is to reach an alliance, but even if that fails, the last heir of the Sugden dynasty has too many means and his attention should be left to focus on other enemies.

This split second of hesitation, while Aaron is deliberating his preferred course of action, is enough to prevent him from needing to decide. There’s a growl that pierces the night and within that fracture of a second, it’s by his side. He can also hear the sound of running coming from behind him. He doesn’t have to look back to know that the man rushing in is Adam, or to glance to his right to take in the image of his direwolf beside him, Cloud. Big and grey, teeth bared, back arched, he’s a formidable sight and a clear threat. Sugden’s raised hand freezes in its track with terror. From behind the heir, there’s the blurry silhouette of his companion running to them just as swiftly as Adam was. But that is not what Aaron is focused on. The man he was supposed to negotiate with dropped the torch he was holding in his one hand almost as soon as the other one froze for fear of the direwolf. The flame made contact for a moment with his skin before the torch fell to the ground and the dry grass started catching fire. This time, Aaron does draw his sword out and he points it at the man before him.

The man who flinched when his flesh was momentarily burnt.

“Who are you really?” He makes a small gesture at the torch. “Spare me the lies.”

“Stop!” Sugden’s companion shouts out his command as he steps forward. “He’s not the man you want,” he says, his voice calmer once Aaron’s eyes are resting on him, before he takes a few more strides forward. He steps right into the small fire, standing in it with no sign of pain or panic, letting the thigh high flames lap at him. “I am.”

* * *

The fire surrounding his legs and creeping up them is slowly, but surely, beginning to spread. That prompts him to turn to his brother, whose eyes are still fixated on the Wolf Who Rose, as some have already nicknamed the new leader of Dingle family, and the actual direwolf accompanying him. “Andrew, don’t just stand there,” he says, “help me get some water from the pond.”

They have nothing suitable for the task other than the partly empty wineskins they were carrying. They drain those of whatever liquor was there and fill them with pond water. They’re joined by Aaron Dingle and his companion, who have with them waterskins - how sensible and northerner of them - that they pour out over the fire and then refill from the pond, too. It doesn’t take long before their joint efforts put out the flames, much as those fought to outlast them. As he watches the last of the ambers flicker with one final blaze of red before going out, Robert can’t help but feel a tinge of sorrow. Fire cannot kill a dragon like him. If only it didn’t harm others and didn’t have to be extinguished. If only he didn’t have to spend more than half his childhood hiding a part of who he was whenever he had noticed something about him was different to how the other kids were.

“You’re the real son of the king, I take it,” his train of thought is cut off by the man he came here to see. Andrew’s pretense was not just a precaution, in case the Dingles tried anything, but also an opportunity for their new leader to be observed.

Robert grimaces at what too many people thought of the brothers. “We both are. I’m the son who happens to be his by blood,” He looks in the direction of the other two men listening silently. He’s more irritated than he’d like to admit by the whole turn of events straying too far from his plans. His annoyance comes across when he doesn’t mean for it to because next he spits out, “and I don’t negotiate with commoners.” “Oh? That’s alright then,” the retort comes right away, “negotiate with me.” There’s a push back in there that Robert likes and it makes something inside him settle down and regain some of his composure. “Then we should find a spot where we can talk on our own.”

He gets a small nod in response and Aaron Dingle, first of his line in centuries to try and reclaim the mantle of King in the North, turns around at once and leads him away from the one man he brought along with him to help with his task. The Dingles are close to nothing when compared with the glory of House Sugden, but there’s something noble, almost royal, in the way this man carries himself that’s hard not to follow and Robert does. He’s not the only one. The direwolf is walking right next to his human, whose hand naturally finds itself buried in the thick fur. It practically drowns in it, a reminder of just how big the direwolf really is. It’s hard to look away from the shape the two of them make together.

“I hope you appreciate that I’m following you alone when you have that beast by your side,” he says after they’re outside the hearing range of anyone else.

“Cloud won’t let me out of his sight now that he’s decided your brother tried to threaten me. If you want us to speak alone, you’ll have to do with his presence. I wouldn’t complain if I were you, not after you were the one who tried to pass for your own servant. Out of the two of us, you’re the one proving to be hard to trust so far.”

“Ouch. Not totally unfair, but still. Ouch.”

“Besides,” Aaron Dingle abruptly halts and turns around to Robert sharply, forcing him to stop dead in his tracks, “you’re not alone and unprotected. You’ve got one of your dragons here, don’t you? Where did you think we were headed? I’d like to see your beast.”

Robert can feel his cheeks burning under what can only be perceived as a piercing gaze. What a strange new sensation. As far back as he can recall, no physical fire has made him feel this way and for some reason, he doesn’t think any ever will. “If this is where you’re headed, don’t. We can discuss our matters anywhere and you…” he can’t explain the sudden worry that takes over him when nothing major happened other than witnessing a complete stranger take a risk, “you shouldn’t trust me to guarantee your safety.”

“And yet,” Aaron breaks their stance and resumes his strides, “you will.”

Where is that confidence coming from? Robert is left wondering even as he’s forced to quickly step in line. He’s aware that most people pale at the thought of being in the presence of a dragon even if their safety is guaranteed, let alone if it isn’t. Especially when they think that they have a reason to doubt his motivations.

“How would you know where I left my dragon?” he tries to distract himself from everything about this that’s been unsettling.

A small, but deliberate pat to Cloud’s back is the only answer he gets.

Robert can pick up on that, even though he isn’t able to see much beyond the play of shadows and silhouettes. The man he’s following started leading the way in pitch dark without allowing either one of them the time to grab a torch and enjoy its guidance after Andrew’s went out. Robert doesn’t doubt that they are in the right direction, though. Soon enough he can hear Victorion’s breathing. If Cloud’s slowly rising growl is anything to go by, he’s not the only one. In fact, the direwolf seems more and more displeased, though he never so much as slows down.

“Stop!” Robert calls out. He may not be able to see much, but he can tell they’re near enough to Victorion. “We’re here.” He steps forward and bypasses the duo of man and direwolf. His step is unsure when he can’t see the ground he’s walking on, but the hand he reaches out to make contact with is steady. “Trust me?” he throws the question to the man behind him and without waiting to get a reply, he commands the smallest of his three dragons at the exact same time as he turns his back to her, “Dracarys!”

A flame splits up the night. Robert’s hand on Victorion’s neck is guiding the fire to be breathed in a direction safe for everyone and for the act to be longer than usual, allowing him to watch the spot where he knew he’ll see Aaron’s face. The dragon’s flame highlights each one of the man’s features. He is quite handsome, which isn’t really what the Sugden heir came to expect based on stories he’s heard from his family about the Dingle lineage. The expression on Aaron’s face changes from one of tension into that of pure wonder and awe. No fear. No repulsion. He’s beautiful in a way Robert isn’t sure he was ready for.

“You can come closer if you want to. You can touch her.” He didn’t plan on inviting the man to do so, but it feels right.

Aaron takes a hesitant step forward and pauses. He’s waiting for Victorion’s reaction. When there is none, he continues until he touches the scaly skin of the dragon. A little laughter comes out of him like a bubble of air rising, seemingly out of nowhere, to break the surface of water. Robert would wage good money that it’s not a sound people hear often. He starts patting Victorion for how good and quiet she’s being and Aaron mimics him almost immediately. Even though hers is not the most pleasant skin for the touch, not even when compared with other dragons, Robert thinks there’s something thrilling about doing this. The tingle of power that runs right underneath one’s fingers when she moves slightly in reaction. As they continue doing this, their hands accidentally brush against each other, warm in contrast with her cold scales.

Aaron steps back. “I think it’s time you told me,” he says slowly, as if he’s not certain himself that he’s ready for what will come, “what it is that you want from me.”

* * *

Aaron looks down at the crowd of soldiers gathered next to the feet of the mountain. From up here on the cliff, they appear more like foam upon the sea than men, giving the impression of rippling waves as they move.

“Do you have to stand so close to the edge? If one of those numbskulls down there spots you, they can and will try to shoot you with an arrow.”

“They can try, they won’t succeed,” he pulls back to a degree all the same.

“They might succeed,” the voice comes closer and he turns to face Robert, who probably climbed up after him to the edge of the cliff in order to pull Aaron back himself if he had to, “and your Dingle audacity doesn’t actually make you immune to arrows.”

This up close, it’s impossible to ignore Robert’s clear eyes and how radiant he seems to be, even a second before the outbreak of a battle. It makes Aaron feel like he has something stuck in his throat, forcing him to attempt swallowing it down. The discomfort throws his mind back to their talk among the weirwoods, when they made their pact to be allies. What Robert wanted from him, as it turned out, was the fulfillment of a prophecy. “A prophecy?” Aaron was incredulous. It wasn’t like belief in prophecies throughout the kingdoms was unheard of, but to approach a northman because of one was odd. The northerners were more likely than anyone else in the realm to assume that any rhyme offered up as a prophetic text was either nonsense or an attempt at manipulation. After all, they are already aware of the one indisputable truth regarding the future: the inevitability of winter. They don’t need more than that. To try and woe a northman into an alliance through the idea of prophecy is, at best, as naive as expecting one to aid in such lunacy being fulfilled. Robert nodded, like he was reading his mind. “I know how your folk think of this, but…” his eyes dropped, lost in memories, “you have to understand. There was a great fire that could have destroyed my family. It would have, if it weren’t for a prophetic dream. And it did consume the majority of my people. I have no choice other than to believe.” “And you need me to help you make this prophecy come true?” Robert looked back up at him. “When the darkest shadow of the night is cast, the savior’s arrival will be sure and fast, as long as love can be forged with desire… in a song of ice and fire.” Aaron shrugged. “I have no idea what those nursery rhymes mean.” “The night’s shadow… you must have heard some of the same reports I have. From beyond the wall.” He figured out instantly what was referred to since he had indeed heard a few crazy rumors about a nightmarish threat rising in that vast wasteland. To be on the safe side, he preferred to claim ignorance. “What reports?” Robert frowned. “The Others. They’re walking this earth again.” Quiet, and he takes a breath before continuing. “Even if you don’t believe in that, I do. My people, we’ve been waiting, knowing that the night will cast its darkest shadow again. Not that we’re sure what the rest of the prophecy means. My maester thinks the heir to my family is the savior and that I’m meant to rescue the kingdoms in one grand, final battle. He thinks this clash will be the song of their ice against our fire.” “But you don’t agree.” Aaron was surprised to see a smile at that. “Maester Potts is ignoring the whole part about love and desire, isn’t he? Typical of a maester, I guess. He pushes that aside by saying it’s the abstract love and mutual want between me and the people of the realm that I’m meant to save and rule. Sounds a bit too easy to me.” It suddenly clicked. “You don’t agree with him and instead, you think I’m the ice and you’re the fire, and that we…?” Robert shrugged and answered only the first part. “Who better than a Dingle in all of the kingdoms to be the embodiment of ice?” Aaron snorted. “If you’re right, then we are all done for, aren’t we? There’s no love lost between the two of us or our houses.” This didn’t faze Robert as he chuckled in response. “You mean you haven’t fallen madly in love with me in the ten minutes we’ve been talking? I’m shocked.” “Yeah, you’re trying to play it off like you didn’t expect a scenario of that sort, but we haveheard of you here.” Even in a realm where royalties were known for their sexual proclivities, Robert was notorious. “What, my reputation precedes me?” There was too much satisfaction in his voice for Aaron’s liking. “And now you don’t even want to give me a chance as a suitor. That’s alright, I didn’t expect you would. But at the very least you can trust that I am offering you my full faith in this prophecy as a guarantee that I won’t betray you. You may not think it’s true, but I do and that means that I will never be a danger to you or yours. It means, I’ll protect you. I’ll give you my dragons and men to command for whatever purpose you have in mind in the south, for as long as it takes you to trust my words and accept our marriage.” Aaron shook his head in disbelief and dismay. The Sugden heir was offering him all that he was set on getting from their alliance without a nuptial contract being promised, not just yet. That was too good to be true. But he may try to enforce that marriage later down the line. “Even if I accept that you really believe in this, what will happen if I never agree to wed you?” “Well,” there was the ghost of warm breath that fleeted across Aaron’s face when Robert leaned in closer, his wide grin evident even in the dark, “I won’t force you to agree, not now and not ever. Because that’s my challenge, isn’t it? To make you love me and want to marry me… in addition to how much you already wish to bed me.” “I… what?” Aaron was far too astonished to phrase his question better. “No need to pretend, I can read the signs. I have to be very good at that, because… Well, you did hear about my reputation, right?” Aaron still wants to punch Robert whenever he thinks of the smirk with which he said that. Even the enemy soldiers gathering below them, their service paid for by the Whites and their greed for power, can’t distract him from that urge. It’s a desire only partly motivated by those words holding some truth to them. There is an undercurrent of want he feels whenever he looks at the true Sugden heir. Unlike Andrew, there is beauty and charm to Robert that are hard to ignore. Even the notion of going through with the marriage doesn’t seem as wrong when it comes to him. But not like this, not when Aaron is in a way still being forced to make this choice. After all, he is the very essence of the people he grew up with and was meant to rule, proud and unwilling to easily give up any freedoms. And Robert played his hand wrong, having given up all of his cards without demanding any commitments in exchange. He saved the North from an impossible situation while still intending to force his vision of their future on Aaron. The mere thought is enough to cool down any romantic feelings that might have otherwise evolved. No, whatever the song of ice and fire is, it will have to be played without the Dingle line thrown into it. The plan for the battle against the soldiers hired by the Whites is simple and the first stage of it will now be implemented. Most of the northerners and the Sugden soldiers are gathered at the foot of the mountain as well. The two armies are about to clash with Andrew serving as their side’s highest ranking fighter on the battlefield and Adam present as Aaron’s right hand man. He has Cloud by his side, growling and ready to pounce at the enemy’s throats. The sun hits its spot in the sky that they agreed on and the order is given. The men from both sides charge at each other. “Ready?” Robert asks, his one leg already leaning against scaly skin, his hand stretched out to offer help in mounting the dragon. Aaron looks up at the pair of eyes shining back at him and takes in the lack of any doubts or reservations, despite how much this may end up costing. “Hells, yes,” he replies, without being sure which question he’s really answering. They climb Victorion together, about to unleash the second stage and descend on the White soldiers from the sky.

#long post #robron #scrapyardboyfriends #robron fanfiction #robron secret santa

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storytellerren · 6 years

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Reflections

A thorough examination of Rey and Kylo Ren and their scenes together in the Sequel Trilogy

This whole meta came about as a way to understand why Kylo Ren’s hunger for honesty in The Last Jedi was so goddamn sexy to me. Apart from the pornography that is Ben Swolo, why did the way he demanded Rey be honest with him and with herself feel so tense and sexual? Pondering an answer has led me to insights about their characters that I’m sharing here. It won’t be brief--I’m afraid I’m in over my head--but it is what it is. So let’s go!

DISCLAIMER:

A lot of the ideas I will mention have already been discussed within the fandom, but I couldn’t even begin to remember where I heard some of it or know who to give the credit to. Dissecting these characters is a collaborative effort. So building on the brilliance of others, let me add some of my thoughts--from a background in literature, creative writing and film--to the conversation.

Also, I will only be using the movies as a foundation for my claims. I realize that there’s tons of other canon material, but I think I can make my points using just The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi.

Before a writer even begins putting words on paper they must first do some foundational character work. Following those steps, I’m going to take Rey and Kylo and whittle them down to their cores, and I’m going to use the first half of The Force Awakens to do it. What follows that will be a detailed breakdown of every scene they’ve shared so far in the Sequel Trilogy. Oh man, my typing fingers are already trembling!

WHAT REY AND KYLO WANT

I am a big fan of Lisa Cron and her books Story Genius and Wired for Story. Cron is known for her discussion of the storytelling elements that are hardwired into our brains. Among them is giving your characters the proper start. Cron says that a protagonist must begin the story with two things:

In each movie Rey and Kylo have specific desires. In TFA Kylo wants to find Luke and Rey wants to get BB-8 back to the Resistance. In TLJ Kylo wants to get rid of Snoke and Rey wants to bring Luke back to the Resistance. (Is Rey the freaking errand girl for the Resistance?) But this is a trilogy which means that what they really want is much bigger and their specific goals are just steps towards achieving their ultimate desires. So here’s what I’ve decided are Rey and Kylo’s deep-seated desires the first time we see them in TFA.

REY WANTS A DESTINY

KYLO WANTS FREE WILL

Don’t worry, we’ll talk a lot more about their desires, but for now we must move on to misbeliefs. Cron compares the misbelief to the “fatal flaw” or “the wound the protagonist enters with.” She calls it a misbelief because the audience knows it is wrong, but the protagonist doesn’t. In fact, the protagonist must believe in it with all his heart. How he overcomes his misbelief is what the story is about.

Now for Rey and Kylo’s defining misbeliefs:

REY BELIEVES HER PARENTS WILL RETURN AND BESTOW HER WITH A DESTINY IF SHE IS PATIENT AND HOPEFUL

KYLO BELIEVES THAT HE MUST LET GO OF OR CONCEAL HIS PAST IN ORDER TO WRITE HIS OWN FUTURE

So let’s put it all together…

Rey believes that when her parents return for her, she will finally understand her place in the galaxy. They will give her a family name and a group to belong to--bequeathing her a destiny. Kylo believes that if he sheds the Skywalker/Solo name, then he can finally choose who he is and where he belongs--writing his own destiny. You’re starting to see where I’m going, aren’t you?

Since the Star Wars movies are always coming of age stories, Rey and Kylo are essentially seeking identity, but they’re going about it in opposite ways. It’s because these two characters are reflections of one another, created to strengthen the other’s arc. That’s what good writing strives to do, and you can bet that Disney knows this. He might not look it, but the Mouse is a master storyteller.

The very first time we see Kylo Ren he is decked out from head to toe in the costume he created to conceal his true identity. He goes by a different name, a name that recognizes him as the leader of a new kind of family, and this time it is a family of his choosing: the Knights of Ren.

Kylo’s first interaction is with Lor San Tekka who, with almost every line of dialogue, attempts to remind Kylo of his origin. “You may try but you cannot deny the truth that is your family,” San Tekka says, to which Kylo replies, “You’re so right,” and cuts him down.

Kylo is obviously referring to Darth Vader being part of his bloodline too. After all, in an act of rebellion against his family, Ben Solo created Kylo Ren--with Snoke’s guidance--as a sort of second Vader. (Note: Vader, not Jedi Anakin Skywalker). And let’s not forget that “Kylo” comes from SKYwalker and SoLO. So you could argue that part of Kylo doesn’t want to let go of his past, and at the very beginning of the story I would probably agree. But I would also argue that Kylo only wants to hold onto the parts of his past that suit him. He wants to choose which parts of it will define him and hide the rest under the mask of Kylo Ren.

The first time we see Rey she is alone in the hollow belly of a crashed Star Destroyer. The Destroyer is a literal remnant of the light’s triumph over darkness, as is the fallen AT-AT in which she lives. Even the Rebel helmet she puts on when she eats serves as evidence that good things happen if one remembers to keep hope alive. And that’s what Rey is busy doing from the very first moment we see her.

Rey’s life, as it’s presented to the audience, is built around the lie she created because the truth was too painful to face. Believing in the myth of her returning parents is easier than deciding who she wants to be in a whole galaxy of possibilities. Keeping her appearance the way her parents knew it and the wall of never-ending tally marks are just two of the visual representations of Rey’s misbelief. It’s almost as if Rey has put her life on hold waiting for their return. And perhaps this is why some fans infantilize her. She is a woman, but one that keeps everything as it was when she was a child.

As TFA goes on Kylo is continuously forced to confront his past. Characters like Hux and Snoke relish the opportunity to remind him of where he comes from like it’s a weakness Kylo must overcome. And he’s really trying. But the funny thing about Kylo is that the constant reminders keep him focused. Because he craves the truth. He needs it. As a child he listened in the shadows while his parents argued about his destiny. He was never told in brutal, stark honesty where he comes from. From Darth frickin’ Vader! Ben Solo believed that Snoke was honest with him when his family wasn’t--that’s why he sided with Snoke when everything fell apart. And that’s why Kylo invades people’s minds: because he doesn’t trust them to be honest with him. And why would he? Having a reliable route to the truth is a useful tool for a man who feels it was always kept from him. And while Kylo might not like the truth--which I think is made apparent by his frequent outbursts--he always demands it. It’s almost masochistic, but that’s our dark, beautiful space prince.

On the other side of things, we see Rey embark on a journey towards a destiny, but it’s not the one she imagined so she rejects it at every turn--from constantly telling Finn she has to get back to Jakku to turning down Han Solo’s job offer. She goes along with things for as long as she does because she is intrigued by the myth of the Jedi and Luke Skywalker. And we already know Rey prefers a good story to reality. It’s only when Rey becomes a part of this story, when she touches the legacy lightsaber, that problems arise. She experiences an incredible vision--one part troubling past and one part chilling future--but what it doesn’t show her is who she is or how she fits into everything. And that frightens her. So she runs.

Before I move on I want to point out how good of a foil Finn is for Rey and Kylo. Because Finn doesn’t want any kind of role. It’s no coincidence that all three are shown for the first time wearing masks. Finn’s is not a mask of his choosing, but Kylo’s is. And Rey’s is a mask of necessity. I could analyze Finn’s place in all of this, but that would probably tack on an extra thousand words, and I still haven’t gotten to The Last Jedi which, if you’re still with me, is where all of this is headed.

So there are our protagonists. True mirror opposites. Now let’s put them together, starting with the moment they meet. Or, actually, just before.

WHAT GIRL?

For many, the birth of Reylo occurred when Kylo laid into Lieutenant Mitaka. “What girl?” he growls. Kylo has felt an awakening in the Force and I think his curiosity has to do with that, but the question itself is meaningful. It’s as if he’s saying, “Who is this person? I’ve never heard of her before. She must not belong to a famous family.” This girl is already intriguing to him because she’s nobody. There’s no way he’s not exploring this further.

THE TAKODANA FOREST

The first time Rey sees Kylo for real, he is looming towards her--this scary creature from her vision. Oh no, the vision is coming true! She fires her blaster and he deflects, but he keeps coming, like the truth, persistent and undeniable. Kylo decides pretty quickly to take her with him and he even carries her in his arms. She is a curiosity, something to be handled with care.

THE INTERROGATION

When Rey awakens, she is restrained, but Kylo is kneeling before her, watching. Not looking inside her mind… just watching. Who is this girl? This scene has probably been analyzed more than any other, so I’ll try to keep my thoughts brief.

“You still want to kill me?” Kylo asks. “That’s what happens when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask,” Rey responds. Kylo wants her to see what this creature she imagines really looks like--he wants her to see the truth--so he takes off his helmet. But he is not what Rey expects. Her perception doesn’t match what she’s seeing with her own eyes and it makes her uncomfortable. It’s no mistake that this is the first time the audience sees Kylo Ren unmasked too. Our reaction is supposed to mirror Rey’s. Mine sure as hell did.

Kylo sizes her up as well, this scavenger, this nobody. Why is she important? He asks her to tell him about the droid, giving her the chance to avoid his mind probe. When she doesn’t play along, he peeks inside her head. But instead of finding the information he needs, he looks first for what her life is like. He looks for her pain. And, surprisingly, it’s something he recognizes. Why did he seek this information first? We all know it’s because, at this point, he is more interested in “the girl” than in finding Luke. And here’s why…

Kylo is envious of Rey

She comes from no great family. She has no baggage, nothing holding her back from her destiny--or so he thinks. And he soon discovers just how strong with the Force she really is. She is a blank slate. She could be anything, achieve anything. She is what he wants to be.

And Rey’s confidence grows as the Force inside her grows, and she is able to push back and see inside Kylo’s mind. When she does, she sees through the pretense of Kylo Ren to the scared young man beneath: Ben Solo. Kylo is shocked and chagrined. For all his respect for objective truth, he keeps his own personal, subjective truth closely guarded. But tit for tat, Kylo. Now two can play that game.

HAN AND BEN

This was the scene that caused me to leap with wild abandon onto the Kylo Ren pain train, and it catapulted Adam Driver to the top of my list of favorite actors. How layered this scene is. How tragic!

“Take off that mask. You don’t need it,” Han says. “And what do you think you’ll see if I do?” Ben asks, curious. “The face of my son,” Han replies. Like he did earlier with Rey, Kylo removes his mask, letting his father see what he has become. We all know how the rest of the scene goes. They squabble, Han implores him to see the truth: Snoke is using him for his power. Kylo knows his father is right and he’s a hair’s breadth from returning home with him… then he remembers his misbelief. Forget the past. But this time forgetting isn’t enough. Now he must kill the past.

As Rey watches this play out, she is seeing a parent return for his child and the child rejecting that love. It floors her. It goes against everything she has ever wanted for herself. Ben Solo had parents who loved him, he had a name, a destiny. And he threw it all away. Okay, it should be obvious by now what I’m going to say…

Rey is envious of Ben Solo

Rey and Kylo are reflections of one another, plain and simple. If you don’t believe me, perhaps Adam Driver will convince you.

THE DARK FOREST

There’s one aspect of this scene that I absolutely love but never felt like I understood completely. Reexamining Kylo as I have for this meta, I think I get it now. And it makes so much sense. As Kylo faces off against Finn and Rey, he keeps hitting his wounded side, spattering the white snow with blood. Why would he do that? He’s showing the enemy his weakness and perhaps making the injury worse. Here’s my take…

Kylo hits his side in an effort to stay focused on reality, on truth. He’s fucking delirious right now. He just killed his father and it hurt, it messed him up bad. But that pain is a reminder of what he is capable of if he lets his misbelief guide him. Perhaps it is also a kind of flagellation or punishment for his deed. If I could ask Adam Driver one question it might be will you whisper something dirty in my ear why he chose to have Kylo repeatedly beat his wound. I feel the answer would reveal a lot.

Now let’s move on to “the look.” You know what I’m talking about. It’s the moment right after Rey summons the Skywalker lightsaber, the moment that many Reylos believe Kylo falls head over heels in love with her. Perhaps they’re right, but I think there’s more to it. In this moment the Force has chosen Rey. A nobody, a scavenger! And Kylo is in complete awe. He is shocked, he is enthralled, he is jealous. Who is this girl?

But Kylo’s shock is Rey’s call to action. When she ignites that lightsaber, she is essentially accepting the destiny it showed her, whatever it may be. And as they fight, her new power becomes undeniable to them both. Kylo offers to be her teacher because she needs training, but also because he needs to know more about her. And as the Force awakens inside of her, Kylo stares in total wonderment. Something earth-shattering is happening here and I’m not talking about the ground splitting open.

At the end of TFA, Rey and Kylo’s deep-seated desires are still the same, but their misbeliefs have changed a bit. Understanding why she has the Force becomes more important to Rey than going back to Jakku. She may no longer believe her parents will return for her, but what she believes now is that in order to accept her destiny, she must know exactly who she is and where she comes from. And it is no longer good enough to forget or conceal the past for Kylo. Now the past must be completely eradicated.

So with these things in mind, let’s dive into The Last Jedi and talk specifically about the ways in which Rey and Kylo react to truth. And maybe along the way we’ll figure out why the whole thing feels so unbearably sexy.

As far as Rey and Kylo go, Rian Johnson wrote the perfect movie. The Last Jedi is perfection. Per-fec-tion! *kisses fingertips* Rian understood just from reading the TFA script that Kylo and Rey are reflections of one another and he built on that in an incredibly profound way. He is a brilliant human being and I love him.

At the beginning of TLJ we find Rey attempting to bring Luke Skywalker back to the Resistance. She says “we” when referring to the Rebels so in a way she has accepted them as her new family. But there’s another reason why she sought out Luke. We know that Rey’s deep-seated desire is to uncover her destiny, and she thinks Luke can help her. “I need someone to show me my place in all this,” she says, but Luke isn’t all that interested in the job. While he does eventually start training her, Rey becomes more attracted to what the Force itself--both light and dark--has to show her. Luke’s disapproval of her dark-side curiosity only compounds Rey’s loneliness. Cue the Force Bond! But not yet. First we have to talk about Kylo.

When we first see him, Kylo is trying to save face with Supreme Leader Snoke. But it’s not going well. Snoke berates Kylo and zaps him with his dark lightning all while, once again, bringing up Kylo’s past. “The mighty Kylo Ren,” Snoke says. “When I found you I saw … something truly special. The potential of your bloodline. A new Vader. Now I fear I was mistaken.” Even if Snoke was just trying to piss off Kylo because he’d connected his mind to Rey’s and blah blah blah… it worked a little too well. In this moment, Kylo digs his heels into his new misbelief. Kill the past. And guess who just became part of it? Kylo knows when he leaves that throne room that he will never be able to write his own destiny with a wrinkled old perv telling him what to do. Snoke is a goner and doesn’t even know it.

Now Kylo goes off and smashes his helmet. If he’s going to truly kill the past then the Vader costume has to go. The guise of Kylo Ren is already dissolving. And the great irony is that, like Rey, Ben Solo also concocted a lie to hide an uncomfortable truth. He created Kylo Ren to cover up his true identity and all the baggage that came with it. That’s why he must now destroy Kylo Ren. Not only does the dishonesty of it disgust him, but it’s no longer enough to simply conceal the past. Now he must completely obliterate it. He must become something new.

Even though it may not seem like it, Kylo’s outburst has left him laser-focused. “Prepare my ship,” he barks when the elevator opens. It’s time to blow up some Rebels! And he does blow up a few when he hits the hangar, but when it comes to killing his mother, unsurprisingly, he can’t seem to do it. Still, he is lost and in pain and lonely as hell. Now cue the Force Bond!

FORCE BOND #1

The first time they connect it is a surprise for both of them. Rey reacts with her gut, pulling a blaster on Kylo, but Kylo just stares in awe... again. He follows her when she runs and after an embarrassing attempt to control her with the Force he says, “You’re not doing this. The effort would kill you. Can you see my surroundings?” He is like a scientist, eager to discover how and why such a thing has happened. Rey interrupts him to scream, “You’re gonna pay for what you did!” Rey is less interested in the how-and-why and more interested in the way the story is going to play out. A bad man killed his father, so justice should be served. Kylo continues, “I can’t see yours [surroundings]… just you. No, this is something else.” While this strange new connection is a curiosity for Kylo, for Rey it is something to be wary of. Earlier, when the Uneti tree called to her, she fell to her knees, unable to deny the power of the Force. But what does the Force mean by this?

FORCE BOND #2

The second Bond starts with Kylo asking, “Why is the Force connecting us? You and I?” to which Rey replies, “Murderous snake! You’re too late. You lost. I found Skywalker.” Rey has already made up her mind about Kylo, so the Bond is a waste of her time. But Kylo wants her to have the truth, he needs her to see him as he really is. Because nobody else does. “Did he tell you what happened? The night I destroyed his temple, did he tell you why?” he asks. “I know everything I need to know about you,” Rey snaps and I think she says it out loud, to hear it, because she’s afraid she might be wrong. Right now things are pretty black and white. No need to visit the gray area between.

“You do?” Kylo says. Then comes the liquid sex, “Ahh, you do.” Can a voice induce an orgasm? Asking for a friend. Kylo studies her closely. “You have that look in your eyes… from the forest. When you called me a monster.” “You are a monster,” Rey affirms. Then Kylo does something that throws her way off. He looks into her eyes, into her soul, and says, “Yes, I am.” This is another moment like when Kylo removed his helmet for Rey back in TFA, only this time her perception doesn’t match what she’s hearing. He agrees? Why would he do that?

After the second Force Bond, Rey is more curious about the truth. Myth is no longer enough to satisfy her. So she asks Luke about the night Ben Solo destroyed his temple and Luke gives his version of the story. What I might not have mentioned before, but you already know, is that Rey is a very trusting person. She believed Finn’s lie about being in the Resistance and now she believes Luke’s story. They’re the good guys, so that means they’re honest. By that logic, Kylo is a bad guy and also a liar. The truth, of course, is that Kylo is the only person who has ever been completely honest with her. But Rey isn’t ready to confront that yet.

I should also point out that Rey is beginning to think about the way that Luke became a legend: by believing there was still good in Darth Vader and refusing to give up on him. Luke tries to tell her that it’s not that simple, but Rey trusts in the power of myths. “The galaxy may need a legend,” she tells Luke. She still believes it’s that easy. That’s why it’s no surprise when she decides to run off and save Ben Solo just a few hours later. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

FORCE BOND #3

Here it is… the most candid exchange in the whole movie. It’s open, it’s naked, it’s raw and it’s vulnerable. And it spurs a series of monumentally important events. All because Rey saw Kylo shirtless. Of course I’m kidding about that last part, but I do think the nudity has something to do with it.

“I’d rather not do this now,” Rey says and we hear Kylo respond, softly, “Yeah, me too.” But they’re gonna do it. They’re gonna do it till it’s good and done. “Why did you hate your father,” Rey asks and turns to see that Kylo is shirtless. Immediately she wants him to put on a cowl, but she just asked him a very personal question and, symbolically, to put on a cowl would be to answer dishonestly. Kylo’s beautiful, broad, glistening chest is the embodiment of naked truth here.

“Why did you hate your father? Give me an honest answer,” she says--as if he’s ever lied to her before. Kylo moves closer, ready to lay it on her. “You had a father who loved you, who gave a damn about you,” Rey says, speaking from a place of sadness and envy. Remember Ben Solo had a life she would have cherished. Why did he throw it away? “I didn’t hate him,” Kylo says, getting to the core of what she means. “Then why?” Rey demands. “Why what?” Kylo retorts. Even though he already knows what she means, he’s going to make her say it. It’s important to hear it out loud. “Why did you… why did you kill him? I don’t understand,” Rey says, sobbing. Kylo answers, “No? Your parents threw you away like garbage.” Kylo feels that his parents threw him away too, but Rey doesn’t quite understand that about him yet. “They didn’t!” she snaps, still clinging to the myth of parents that loved her. Justifiably, it’s difficult for her to let go of the lie that comforted her for more than a decade. “They did, but you can’t stop needing them. It’s your greatest weakness. Looking for them everywhere, in Han Solo, now in Skywalker,” Kylo says. Rey assumed that Kylo killed Han Solo because he hated him, but what Kylo is essentially admitting is that he killed his father because he loved him… loved him so much that it made him weak. It’s another contradiction, another clash between perception and reality.

“Did he tell you what happened that night?” Kylo asks. He’s still curious because he wants Rey to really see him, to understand him. “Yes,” she barks, teeth bared. But Kylo can tell by her vehemence that she doesn’t have all the information. “No,” he says and proceeds to tell her about that night, the way he experienced it. “He had sensed my power as he senses yours. And he feared it.” Luke admitted as much just a few scenes ago, but Rey likes to resist. “Liar,” she says in what comes across as the most unconvincing retort ever. Of course it was supposed to feel inauthentic. At this point Rey knows in her heart that Kylo is telling her the truth, has always told her the truth. But he’s a bad guy, so it doesn’t add up.

Kylo advances on Rey, going in for the kill. His eyes bore into hers as the light gleams against his hot, oily chest. Dear Jesus, help me! “Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It’s the only way to become what you’re meant to be,” he says. There it is: his mantra. It’s his deep-seated desire AND his misbelief all rolled into one. It’s the revelation that fuels him and he’s decided to share it with Rey--because he thinks she needs to hear it. He was envious of her “nobody” status before he understood that she was clinging to her past too. And now he wants to help her become something new, as he is becoming something new.

When the connection breaks, Rey is all stirred up. She finally sees him--not the façade of Kylo Ren or the abandoned Ben Solo, but Kylo as he is right damn now. The tension and intimacy of it is too much for me her, so she takes immediate action.

While this meta isn’t about story structure, I do want to point out that this scene occurs halfway through the movie. I know from years of screenwriting classes and dozens of books on the subject that all well-written films have a plot reversal midway through. Take a look at the halfway mark of any film you love and I can almost guarantee you’ll find that the story turns. Remarkably, around The Last Jedi’s halfway mark, not only does Rey’s story turn, but everyone else’s does too. This is no coincidence. It’s just good writing.

THE MIRROR CAVE

I love Rey for a lot of reasons, one of them being her passion-fueled bursts of fearlessness. After Kylo’s truth bomb, she could’ve gone back to Luke and demanded to know what really happened. She could’ve probed the gray area a little more. But that’s not how Rey works. Her life is changing and it’s changing fast. There’s no time for gray. The darkness offered her something she needs and, dammit, she’s going to take it. The only change I’d make to this sequence would be to have her swan dive into that dark mossy hole. I’m assuming Rian decided against this only because Rey probably doesn’t know how to dive. Anyway, Kylo’s advice--and his nakedness--has driven Rey to confront her misbelief, and now she must find out who her parents are.

There’s something I want to get out of the way before I jump into (heh) this scene. And it’s the notion of Rey’s parentage. Full disclosure, I was a Rey Kenobi stan after TFA. In fact, I took it a step further and believed she was the reincarnation of Obi-Wan, but I am so relieved to be wrong. One of the reasons I think people still cling to Rey’s parentage is because TFA set it up in such an exciting and mysterious way. Like Kylo, we all wanted to know, Who is this girl? But Rian is smarter than me and ReySkys and everyone else. Rian knew what Rey required in order to grow. Okay, moving on.

Ah, the mirror cave! How rife with symbolism this scene is. Water, for instance, almost always signifies rebirth, especially when a character is submerged in it. And of course when Rey emerges from this symbolic baptism, her hair is down for the first time. Like Kylo destroying his helmet, Rey lets her look morph into something different. It’s almost as if she’s allowing herself to finally become a woman. I don’t think I have to say it, but I will: every single shred of symbolism here is intentional. Remember this.

The first thing the mirror shows Rey is a seemingly infinite line of Reys. And they copy her actions with a slight delay. What does it mean? Well, it seems to mean that Rey’s future is hers to write. She can be any one of these Reys, depending upon the decisions she makes. But there is more. A female voice speaks to her. Is it Mom? Rey approaches a mirror-like wall and says, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” No, that’s not it. “Show me the Beast.” Not right either. “Let me see them. My parents. Please.” That’s it!

It’s funny that the cave is supposed to be Ahch-To’s place of darkness because it gives Rey the truth. It doesn’t dance around her request, offering her a perplexing Jedi aphorism. It shows her the reality of her situation: she is alone. Rey wants to see her parents, but the mirror doesn’t show them because they don’t exist anymore. They’re dead. So in lieu of sending two hobbling skeletons, the Force presents Rey with two shadowy figures. Mom and Dad, right? Sure, they’re probably supposed to represent her parents, but even the notion that it could be Rey and Kylo is enough to give that idea merit. And the fact that the two figures merge together could represent the union of Rey’s parents to create Rey or it could be Rey and Kylo merging to balance the Force. It’s all there. No interpretation is wrong. Many fans think they see Kylo in the lone figure--I see him too!--and we know from the concept art that they toyed with the idea of Kylo being in her reflection. But I’m getting a little sidetracked. The point, of course, is that when the image clears and Rey sees herself, she understands that she doesn’t have parents anymore. The female voice she heard before wasn’t her mother’s, it was hers. I know she goes on to tell Kylo, “I thought I’d find answers here. I was wrong,” but it’s only because she can’t yet admit what she already knows. We’re talking about Rey’s misbelief. If it were easy for her to move past, then she would’ve done it a long time ago.

One final thought about the mirror cave. I wonder what Kylo would’ve seen if he had been there? Personally, I think he would’ve seen his parents clear as day.

FORCE BOND #4 / THE HUT

Now I want to present this scene to you a little differently than you’re probably used to thinking about it. I don’t want to talk about the romance and the beauty and the intimacy. I want to talk about the eeriness. Yep, I want to tell you why this scene has a creepy edge to it. Because it definitely does. Don’t be afraid… it’ll be fun.

Okay, okay, I know I said earlier this meta wasn’t about story structure--and it isn’t--but I want to really break this scene down in order to study it more closely. Shawn Coyne’s book The Story Grid describes the scene as a “mini-story,” meaning it must have a beginning, middle and end, a protagonist and antagonist, but overall it must have conflict. Coyne says the easiest way to add conflict to a scene is to make sure the value state changes as the scene progresses. It can go from a positive value expression (like love) to a negative one (like hate) or vice versa, but it cannot stay static. If nothing changes, you don’t have a scene. So keeping the creepy angle and the scene components in mind, let’s talk through the hut scene, perhaps the most important scene in all three movies (yes, including Episode IX). Because I think that in two years’ time we’ll be able to say that this was the midpoint reversal of the whole trilogy. This was where everything started to change.

So the beginning of the hut scene is really the end of the mirror cave scene and it reveals that Rey has been talking to someone about her experience. “I’d never felt so alone,” she says, staring glassy-eyed at the fire. We wait with anticipation. Who’s going to answer her? Thunder sounds outside, the spatter of rain mingling with the crackling fire. The music here is quiet but creeps like a dark vine twisting around your ankle. Then we hear a voice, an oozing throaty whisper, “You’re not alone.” Rey looks up and finally we see who she’s talking to. Kylo sits in the shadows of his room on the Supremacy, untouched by the fire’s orange glow. He stares at Rey, intent and focused. So here’s the conflict… Rey is vulnerable and lonely, needing someone to lean on. Kylo is there, but he’s the villain, right? Now the scene becomes all about answering one very important question… What will happen when the good guy and the bad guy connect? What, indeed.

The middle of the scene has Rey making the decision to (literally) reach out to Kylo rather than pushing him away as she has always done before. “Neither are you,” she says, committing to her decision. The eeriness builds as we go out into the storm, to Luke. Lightning illuminates the dark clouds. Perhaps evil is coming for our heroes. Back inside the hut Rey says, “It isn’t too late.” The music is hesitant and unsure, uncommitted to a melody, just as we are unsure of what will happen. But Rey extends her hand to Kylo anyway. She doesn’t know if she can actually touch him through the Force Bond, but she knows that she must try. Kylo looks at her hand, curious, but moved by the honesty of her gesture. The only way that he can match her honesty is to remove his glove, but he is also dying to know if they can touch each other across light-years. Why is the Force connecting us? What does it all mean? A scene is a mini-story, remember? And this is the climax. Kylo’s hand slides into frame, moving towards Rey’s. The music swells, finding that note of tension and lingering on it. As their hands come together the firelight brightens Kylo’s face. Close on their fingers…

BOOOOOOOM! The whole universe explodes. Rey inhales sharply, stunned by the Force’s revelation. The scene’s question has been answered. What will happen when the good guy and the bad guy connect? I’ll tell you what will happen, the fucking Force Theme will play is what will happen. If the TLJ script is ever released, I bet my life savings the action line here will say “FORCE THEME BEGINS” because the song’s presence is more important than just about anything else. The Force Theme is the music of the good guys, of larger than life power, of destiny and goodness and love. I don’t think Rian would’ve left such a vital story point up to John Williams. Anyway, trembling and crying, Rey and Kylo both understand what they are experiencing: a genuine connection to another person. Have either of them ever lived a moment like this one? I highly doubt it. So, like Kylo, you might be wondering, What does it all mean? It means the Force connected them for a reason. Even when we find out later that Snoke bridged their minds, it was still the Force that brought their fingers together and it was the Force that showed them each a vision. This is where everything turns.

The hut scene ends with Luke (the scene’s antagonist) barging in and losing his mind. But he doesn’t understand--he can’t hear the Force Theme! Personally, I’m glad that Luke spoiled the fun because if he hadn’t, then Rey or Kylo would’ve had to. Luke being the scene’s antagonist means that Rey and Kylo both got to remain the protagonists. And honestly, we all know that if there’d been more time, Kylo probably would’ve said something kinda tone-deaf that would’ve made Rey second guess going after him. Breaking up their union leaves it unfinished, leaves more questions to be answered. It keeps the story moving. And for the record, the value state of this scene went from loneliness (-) to unity (+) to confusion (-)… or something like that.

After the connection is broken, Rey chases after Luke. “Did you do it? Did you create Kylo Ren? Tell me the truth!” she says. Girl is all about the truth now. She’s visited the light side and the dark side, but more importantly, she’s been to the area in between. She sees now that things are rarely black and white and the only way to understand what’s really going on is to demand the truth. She’s becoming more like Kylo. After Luke tells her the Jedi temple story again, she says, “You failed him by thinking his choice was made. It wasn’t.” She realizes that Ben Solo was never allowed to choose the person he wanted to become and that is the reason he turned into Kylo Ren. It’s funny that she seems to grasp this now because in just a few more lines she confidently explains to Luke that Kylo will choose to come back to the light. The Force showed her a vision (what the fuck did she see seriously I can’t get over this why couldn’t we see it we needed to see it Rian) and she believes in it. She believes in it so much that Kylo’s own free will is overshadowed. “If I go to him, Ben Solo will turn,” she says. As if it will be as easy as calling him “Ben” again. Han Solo tried that and it didn’t work out real great for him. But besides being all high on Force power, Rey is beginning to understand what she thinks is her destiny. Like Luke, she will turn the villain and end the war. It’s a good story, and this time it is Force-certified.

REY’S ARRIVAL

The first time I saw TLJ this was one of my favorite moments. It’s like Snow White being awakened by Prince Charming with true love’s kiss. Admittedly, I am a sucker for stories like that. But this one is better.

Clutching the legacy lightsaber--a kind of peace offering--Rey climbs inside the escape pod and launches toward the Supremacy. Luke didn’t want the saber or the hero’s title so Rey’s bringing them both to Ben Solo. She looks so pretty inside the coffin-like pod, her lips pink and full and her chest heaving. Fog clouds the air as the pod opens. Will Kylo be there? And then he is there and he looks just as beautiful as Rey. Her eyes widen. For all she knows he’s going to reach down and scoop her out, carry her like he did once before to a shuttle he has prepared for their departure. But stormtroopers stand behind him, and one opens a pair of binders, binders meant for her. “This is not going to go the way you think,” Luke said, but she hadn’t believed him. If you were afraid Kylo wouldn’t return to the Resistance with Rey, this was red flag number one.

THE ELEVATOR

I’m not going to say much about this scene because I already have in my first meta titled LET’S TALK ABOUT THE ELEVATOR SCENE. In it I analyze every line of dialogue and explain how they foreshadow what happens in the throne room. I wrote it sometime in January and shortly thereafter Rian answered a fan question that actually confirmed one of my points. If you want to read it, you can get to it by clicking on the link above.

But I do want to point out a few new revelations I’ve had about this scene. Rey calls Kylo “Ben” here because she thinks she’s appealing to his true nature, but remember that Kylo is changing. His misbelief is that he must kill the past. And Ben Solo is past. Also she says, “You will not bow before Snoke. You’ll turn. I’ll help you. I saw it.” When Rey saw Kylo’s future, did she see him standing up to Snoke? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that she did because it would make sense as to why she would think they could end the war. Then Kylo tells Rey that he saw something too and what he saw means that she will be the one to switch sides. We all know that he saw her parents when they touched hands and he believes that knowing their identity will free her up to follow her destiny. It’s ironic that the Force showed them what the other wants. Why didn’t the Force show Rey the identity of her parents or show Kylo Snoke’s bisected corpse? It’s because the Force wants to bring them together. Their union is kinda the whole point. Rey has something Kylo wants and Kylo has something Rey wants. Make them work together to get it. And oh boy, do they ever work together!

THE THRONE ROOM

I don’t really want to talk much about Snoke because, well, he’s unimportant. Rian was right: Snoke was an obstacle in the path of Kylo’s transformation. He had to go. But we have to start at the beginning of the scene, so I’d better get going.

Kylo brings Rey to Snoke, playing the dutiful servant, but all along he’s looking for a way to overthrow the old man. Make no mistake, Kylo has already chosen Rey. She is precious to him because she is his reflection. There was never a question of allegiance. Kylo does let Snoke torture her a bit, but he doesn’t have much choice because he hasn’t figured out how he’s going to defeat Snoke yet. When Snoke confesses that he bridged their minds, Kylo’s head shoots up and his expression wilts. The question he’s been asking himself since the first Force Bond has just been answered. It was Snoke? But we touched across spacetime, the Force showed us visions. It was real! You know anger is building in Kylo to the point of exploding, but he does a remarkable job of staying calm. Our boy is growing up!

One bit of symbolism in this scene worth drawing attention to is the magnifying glass apparatus that Snoke uses to show Rey the Resistance fleet. Like a mirror, a magnifying glass is a tool to better help one see the truth. Rey doesn’t care much for this particular truth, so she Force grabs Kylo’s lightsaber to attack Snoke. Her attack is easily thwarted, but when Kylo’s lightsaber returns to him spinning at his feet he figures out exactly how to kill Snoke. The look in his eyes here is so hot resolved. The rest of the trio’s interaction just serves to pile on the suspense and, goddamn, it does a good job. When Kylo finally kills Snoke and brings the legacy saber to Rey, the Force Theme starts up again. Why does the Force Theme always play when these two join together? It’s amazing how many self-professed fans can’t even answer this question. Anyway, we all know what happens next… I lose my fucking mind when that red glow hits Kylo’s face and his lightsaber purrrrrrrrs

The fight that follows is a thing of beauty. It’s a painting in passionate reds and harsh shadows; it’s a dance; it’s lovemaking… it’s actually a whole lot of murder which, if you think about it, makes the sexiness of it feel a little wrong. But let’s not kid ourselves. When the fight was over, we all wanted them to tear off each other’s clothes and raw dog it in the middle of all those dead bodies, their sweat streaking the hard black floor, their moans echoing in the hot air as fire whirled down around them. Jesus… time out.

Okay, I’m back. Let’s move on. As much as we might like to fantasize about things going differently, the conclusion of the throne room scene is exactly what the story and characters demanded. Kylo is finally free. He has followed his misbelief and killed his past--well, not quite, but close enough. Now he has the freedom he’s always desired. Now he can decide who he wants to be. His transformation is almost complete. “It’s time to let old things die,” he says to Rey and to his credit he thinks it’s good advice, he thinks it will work for her because it has worked for him. Kylo goes on, listing all of the things they should let die, “Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels… Let it all die.” All of this is in keeping with his desire to become something new, something the galaxy has never seen before. And, of course, Rey is part of his new vision. Why wouldn’t she be? They are bound now and to tear apart that bond would only cause them both pain. “Rey, I want you to join me,” he says. “We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy.” You can almost see the boner in his pants as he considers this new life. And it’s so close to happening… so close! If Rey says yes, then he will have everything he wants.

But Rey knows that it’s not that simple. The past can never be erased. It will always be there. It will always matter. Even though she understands that her own parents are never returning, it’s okay because she has a new family now: the Resistance. And Kylo wants to let them blow up. “Don’t do this, Ben. Please don’t go this way,” Rey says. But, again, she’s not talking to Ben. I’m sorry, folks, but Ben Solo is gone. Even if he eventually reclaims the name--and I think he will--he’s been through too much to ever be that hopeful young man again. And if he’s to learn his lesson, then he won’t be able to conceal or kill his past anymore and that will include his past as Kylo Ren and Supreme Leader of the First Order. He’ll have to transform again. Perhaps into Ben Solo, but a new Ben Solo.

Kylo understands what’s going on with Rey and seeks to remedy the problem. “No, no. You’re still holding on. Let go!” he shouts. You’ve gotta admit, it’s a sexy idea. To forget everything that has ever caused you pain, to fly off into the stars with a person who has looked into your soul and accepted that it is broken. To heal together. It’s all still possible because Kylo has one last card to play. “Do you want to know the truth about your parents? Or have you always known? And you’ve just hidden it away. You know the truth. Say it. Say it.” Kylo isn’t being manipulative or dishonest. He’s seen inside her head. He knows about her misbelief. And Rey does say it because she does know the truth. She’s always known the truth. “They were nobody,” she says. Yes, this is the hardest thing for Rey to hear; yes, it will help her character grow; yes, it means that anyone can be a Force user. But do you know the number one reason Rey’s parents had to be nobodies? Because Rey would not have been Kylo’s reflection otherwise. She would not have been his mirror opposite. If she were a Kenobi or a Skywalker, then the yin-yang wouldn’t balance. And if this trilogy isn’t about balance then just kill me now because I won’t survive Episode IX.

Anyway, Kylo lays it on thick. “You have no place in this story. You come from nothing. You’re nothing. But not to me.” He’s not the most suave conversationalist, but that’s because he speaks the truth. He doesn’t sugar coat it--that’s dishonest. The truth is the truth is the truth and now it’s time to move on. “Join me,” Kylo says, offering Rey his gloved hand. “Please.” If only he’d taken off his glove! It was a genuine appeal, so whipping off that glove should’ve occurred to him. But perhaps Rey would’ve seen that as a small manipulation. The real manipulation, of course, is when Rey reaches out to Kylo to throw him off. Look at his face here. The life he wants is so close to happening… it’s just within his grasp! But then Rey goes for the saber instead. It’s heart wrenching.

We all know that the lightsaber hovering between them means that they are equals now. There’s really no denying it. But the way it’s all shot is also quite enlightening. Remember in TFA when Kylo calls the legacy saber, but it flies past him to Rey. We didn’t see her reaching for the saber, we only saw her as its destination. It’s filmed in such a way that the audience shares Kylo’s surprise. In TLJ we have something similar. Rey reaches for the saber and it moves to her hand… but then it stops. The camera pans around and we learn why: Kylo has equal pull now. Like Kylo and Rey, these scenes are reflections of one another. Filmmaking is cool, huh? Of course, the riven Kyber crystal is significant too. Kylo and Rey (but mainly Rey) are bending the will of the Force, pulling against gravity, until the lightsaber splits in half. It’s considerate of the Force to separate them before the explosion. They definitely wouldn’t be “uniting” in the future if they were both missing half of their skin.

SUPREME LEADER

Here it is, friends: the big transformation scene. When Kylo wakes up in the throne room with Hux, he is no longer Kylo Ren or Ben Solo. He is Supreme Leader. He wanted Rey, but he didn’t get her, so whatever he might’ve transformed into before (Partner, Husband, Co-Supreme Leader) is lost. What’s left is Supreme Leader of the First Order and he accepts the title with breathless (heh) enthusiasm. He has followed his misbelief and achieved his deep-seated desire. His future is his to write. And, likewise, Rey has followed her own misbelief, discovered her origin and accepted her destiny. Her destiny, she thinks, is to help the Resistance (her new family) defeat the tyrannical First Order. Rey and Kylo have both gotten what they wanted and the only real sacrifice required was a potential future together. So what now? If the movie ended here, I might be worried.

THE BATTLE OF CRAIT

Lucky for us, TLJ has a final chapter, but it almost feels like the first chapter of a new movie. That’s because our two protagonists have achieved their goals and accepted their new roles. Now let’s see them in action!

The new Supreme Leader is a hot mess, but this is his chance to prove himself and end the Resistance once and for all. He’s set on doing just that until his uncle struts onto the battlefield. Of course Kylo takes the bait and uses an inordinate amount of firepower to finally end Luke’s life. Hmmm… he’s gotten what he wanted, so why does his past still bother him? When it turns out that Luke is alive, Kylo goes down to see what’s really going on, but also to face him. We all know how that goes. Lucky for Kylo, he doesn’t even have to kill Luke, but Luke’s presence as a Force projection really shakes Kylo’s foundation. For once the truth is more complicated than what his eyes can see or his hands can touch. Even though Kylo is free now to be the person he wants to be, something isn’t quite right.

And wouldn’t you know, even their transformations mirror each other. Rey’s transformation scene comes when she lifts the rocks to save the Resistance heroes. She is no longer Rey of Jakku, now she is Jedi Rey of the Resistance--the last Jedi. She has a destiny and a family. It’s time to fly off into the stars… but not so fast.

FORCE BOND #5

Aw shucks, the Resistance lived to see another day! But there’s only like twenty Rebels left. The new Supreme Leader really shouldn’t be all that worried. Why then, as he kneels down and scoops up his father’s golden dice, does he look so unsettled? Not a great time to connect with your ex-girlfriend. Rey stares down at Kylo with crushing disappointment, as if he has betrayed her. But she never really understood his misbelief. And he never fully understood hers. When Rey shuts the door of the Millennium Falcon on Kylo, she is essentially committing to her new role. She thinks that the Force will choose her path now. She did a better job than Kylo in the heat of the battle, so it seems like Rey is going to be okay. But, like Kylo, she’s arrived at her goal through her misbelief. Rey thought that she needed to know herself before she could act instead of acting first and letting those actions make her into the person she’s meant to be. If the end of a scene is supposed to answer a question, then the disappearing dice does a hell of a job at it. For both Kylo and Rey, there are still illusions left to conquer.

LOOKING AHEAD TO EPISODE IX

Kylo and Rey got what they wanted through a mistake in thinking. This is why they won’t be happy at the beginning of Episode IX. Their new lives will feel inauthentic and fruitless. And all they’ve really done is traded one set of misbeliefs for another.

Rey’s new desire is to fulfill her destiny and her new misbelief is that in order to do it she has to fill the role of Jedi Rey for the Resistance.

Kylo’s new desire is to fulfill his destiny and his new misbelief is that in order to do it he has to fill the role of Supreme Leader for the First Order.

They’ve got a lot to overcome. But it had to happen this way. If Rey had stayed with Kylo she would’ve always regretted not saving her friends. She would’ve resented Kylo for allowing this to happen and ultimately rejected him in favor of their untainted memory. If Kylo had gone back to the Resistance with Rey he would’ve become Ben Solo again, reverting back to a persona he had grown beyond. He would’ve always wondered what he could’ve been on his own two feet and eventually he would’ve resented Rey for luring him away from his destiny. Let’s all be glad it didn’t happen this way. The story that is left to tell will be much better.

I really hate to say it, guys, but Baldo Ren is a real possibility. It makes more sense than the Kylo Ren mask returning. Or any mask for that matter. Kylo has transformed and his look should reflect that. Personally, I think a leather, form-fitting Supreme Leader’s outfit will check this box just fine--no need to chop those lush black locks--but make no mistake, a new look won’t bolster Kylo’s mood for long. He’s going to discover that even with all the power in the galaxy, he can’t create the life he really wants. There has to be another way. Looking for another way, he’ll see the folly of his misbelief and move beyond it. To atone for trying to kill his past I think he’ll decide to safeguard the future and work with Rey to end the war. But if I’m not being clear enough, I’ll go ahead and spell it out: R-E-D-E-M-P-T-I-O-N. It’s going to happen, but it has to happen a certain way. If Kylo is redeemed but dies, then he isn’t Rey’s reflection. If Kylo lives but isn’t redeemed (which wouldn’t happen) then he isn’t Rey’s reflection. Their fate must be exactly the same. So the only two options I see are: Rey and Kylo achieve self-actualization and live, saving the galaxy in the process, or they achieve self-actualization and die, saving the galaxy in the process. Those are the only two ways to achieve true balance. Otherwise, the audience won’t feel right. We’ll leave the theater feeling that something was off. But I wouldn’t worry too much because, as I said before, the Mouse is a master storyteller. And if you’re wondering which of the two above options I think the Mouse will choose, just remember that Star Wars is about hope. (psst... they’re gonna live).

Like Kylo, Rey is also going to acquire something that indicates her new position. We all know what I’m talking about: she’s going to construct a lightsaber. Yep, she’s going to play the role of Jedi Rey even though it won’t feel right. I have a hunch that the Jedi texts she stole from Ahch-To will really emphasize balance, forcing her to make a few decisions that seem unconventional or against the will of the Force. She’ll meet resistance from the Resistance, but she will overcome her misbelief and choose right this time, even though her choices will be hard. And one of those choices will be saving what she loves instead of fighting what she hates. This is why Rey will be the one to initiate “the big kiss.” It has to be her. It’s her destiny because it’s this impossible union with Kylo that will redefine the Force forever. It’s the way they will achieve self-actualization and save the galaxy. I just hope Rey doesn’t mind Kylo’s bald head. ;)

WHY’S IT ALL SO SEXY?

Oh, Jesus… after 10,000 words I don’t really want to start psychoanalyzing myself. You don’t want it either. So let’s just say all the honest-talk is sexy because it’s basically seeing things as they really are and then admitting that you just don’t care… you still want to fuck the bad guy. I’ll add a picture to help you see my point.

IN CONCLUSION

Newton’s Third Law of Motion states that for every action in nature, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Doesn’t that sound like something one of the old Jedi texts would say? Some ancient, fundamental law that must be obeyed in order for the fabric of the universe to hold. Perhaps this is the missing piece, the key to finally balancing the Force. The battle between good and evil will never end so long as both sides keep fighting. If only they could cast aside their differences and accept that life is a quagmire of opposing forces. It is possible to feel love and hate at the very same time--and it happens often! How could this be? Sounds impossible, right? But to balance the Force, this impossible truth must be faced. And accepted.

Thanks for sticking with me for more than 10,000 words! If by some fluke you want to read more, you can check out my fanfic THE MIDDLE PLACE. It’s essentially my headcanon for Episode IX, but it also correlates with a lot of what I’ve discussed here. (And there’s some universe-altering sex, if that’s what you’re into). I’ve also written a companion meta to my fanfiction titled REY AND KYLO’S UNION WILL REDEFINE THE FORCE. And, of course, I’m always down to answer questions or chat with anyone about this stuff. It’s the air I breathe right now. But you guys know how it feels.

Peace!

#reylo #kylo ren #rey #star wars meta #the last jedi #The Force Awakens

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omerderdiyok-blog · 5 years

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Evaluation on Reflection

“I became less and less interested in the ordering of parts and more concerned with horizontal scale, vastness.”

This quote from sculptor Barry Le Va was the first post in my reflective journal. The word “vastness” resonated in my mind many times and I suddenly shared it. Because I was aware of my intentions on understanding and interpreting the world as a whole rather than spare parts. I was more interested in encapsulating ideas rather than well-framed subjects. I knew I wanted to talk about the human being and touch somewhere at very core but I didn’t know what it was, yet.

I started the course by exploring the relationship between objects and space. I thought daily objects can tell about human being and space would help me to expose the vastness. I thought they might bring something close to my concept even though I didn’t know what it was exactly at that time. I started to hunt everyday objects in bazaars and had research on space as a notion and its place in design and art. Circular shape was visible choice in objects I collected and there was a narrative of nostalgia in them. I did the plastic casting for the objects I collected, also played and distorted with their functionality. Also, I believe the broken bowl in this post: brokenbowl - was hiding a clue on what I’ll be doing on later on in terms of the concept: allowance of breakage. Besides at the end of spoon carving workshop in uni, I accidentally broke my piece but I was amazed by its uncompleted beauty. The word “absence” resonated in my mind many times but I still didn’t know where it was about to take me.

After a while of experimenting on objects and space, ideas of absence and breakages pumped each other and within my personal experience and confessions; I have realized that the subject that I wanted to talk about was melancholy. I used the word confession because it was even too negating in my perception, but I was a man who was truly melancholic for my whole life and I knew that there is something in that internal conversation which might bring an enlightenment for the one and compassion and empathy for the others. After this realization on melancholy concept; I directly jumped into research; shared some notes on Mourning and Melancholia by Freud and realized that the main perception of melancholy is really negating. Then came across with Melanie Klein and she was the first writer was mentioning melancholy as a state that can be life-affirming. After all, I directed an angle to my research to find sources framing melancholy in terms of an enlightening experience.

While I was researching the notion of melancholy and its perception in the modern world, I started to work in the ceramic studio. The reason that I did it was my intentions and beliefs on the tacit voice of the clay and its being earth’s most primal element. However, I’ve never touched clay before in my life and that’s why I was a bit sceptic at what I could to with it. But at the moment I discovered its versatility I directly started to push its physical limits and %100 intuitionally I started scratching. Here is a post from day 1 from ceramic studio.

Having a decision on the concept of melancholy and trying to depict it through clay became my whole journey afterward. I continued to try to push the physical limits of clay and constantly researched and collected texts and visuals for the idea of melancholy. While we were getting ready for the interim show I had experimentation on using broken pieces of ceramics and installing them with fixed bigger pieces. I also tried different materials such as paint pigments and crashed car window to see how they connect with ceramics. They were too bright. But there was something out of that experience; the need for movement, aliveness, and performance. Yes I deliberately used black clay and it was perfect to bring the gloom and material itself was very tacit but at the end of this concept; my aim was bringing a suggestion on melancholy to make it reconsidered as a potential positive state. The idea of performance was the key to reach that aim. I had an experience of performing already but I didn’t know that I could marry it with ceramics. Then I also could understand why I wasn’t designing anything before making and I was just using my intuitions only. I was trying to bring performative aspect in the making. It was my approach as a maker. I could find some references on this conceptual thinking in making in the book “Thinking Through Craft” by Glenn Adamson and it was a great source to understand craft’s inferior place in design and art scene and its potential gaps in the contemporary scene in terms of conceptualization. Also, I was researching on how protest can be gentle and Craftivist Collective by Sarah Corbet and her book in Craftivism was a great source to build my tone of voice while I’m raising my thoughts to the public. In the meantime, I started to work on my research paper to expose melancholy in terms of subject and source in art.

Summer Show 2018 had arrived and I made an installation of ceramic pieces with abstract forms and broken bits on it. Even though I was feeling ready to reflect all the gloom and messiness of melancholy into the work, surprisingly I made up something super contained and neat. After the show, I was so surprised how my internal state of minds was affecting my work; the reason that it was contained and not performative and let's say free as much as I expected was just my feeling at that time. My emotional state and fears were affecting my ability on performance and it was reductive for my work. This realization led me to be more aware of keeping the control on reaching my aims in my practice and the importance of work on site. It was definitely teaching experience and I finished the 1st year with the full of questions.

Before second year started, I collected autobiographical objects and images from family archive on summer break. I wasn’t seeing an autobiographical aspect as necessity in my practice but I thought it could help to make audience understand the background of my work and rationalize it in a better way. Because since the beginning, my challenge was making sense truthfully with this very poetic concept. So I was on the way to use these photos and objects from the family archive to make my work more well framed. I was exposing spiritual relationship between my aunt Leyla and me, replicating the caftan I was wearing at my circumcision ceremony as a symbolization of being a man in Turkey. However, within the time, these too exposed and very personal subject, even though they were making audience understand the rhythm I live on and my work, they were too loud for my work. No matter what I continued to test them had Research Sharing event just before the work in progress show. The event was called “Searching Melancholy” and prepared different performance works (link1 - link2) which I was engaging clay with my body and objects and in a way was searching the performative aspect in making; but more in the perspective of performance. I also presented a number of research references from whirling dervishes to volcanos; books on craft thinking and psychoanalysis of emotional states. I also presented works from summer show and made new works using my aunt’s photos, circumcision caftan and sculptural work made by foam pieces I tore in one night in my bedroom. Please view whole process of preparation and final outcomes of the Research Sharing event from here.

After all, before the degree show I started to speed up the preparations and came up with different ideas. One was about making a trilogy work to narrate melancholy and the other one was the conceptualizing the breakage. But within the feedbacks from tutorials and my evaluation, I realized that my work was working in the way that I want already and I realized I was testing extreme questions such as overly expressing and overly conceptualizing in my work. I gave up from all of them. The cycle in mind looped again and I dived into what I was doing already and started to make constantly. I made 3-4 pieces by each day with aiming a landscape of destruction. I tried to create variations on performative making from scratching to fingermark, free fall forms to breakages. After reaching a considerable amount of pieces, the installation process has started and I challenged myself with by building a balance between the composition and the randomness. I believe I reached to a point that a work talking within its material in such tacit way, its form in allowed destructive body and installed with intuitional movement to talk about melancholy within its all complexity and beauty. I believe it is a work that doesn’t force itself to show any greatness, is therefore truly great. Please view the whole making process from here.

#unit2

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heatherdemetrios-blog · 7 years

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The Space Between Breaths: Transitions in the Artistic Life

For the past year, I’ve been going through a transition, floating in a space between. It’s been three years since my first book came out. There was the before publication life, when I’d yet to sell a book and was dreaming hard. Then there was the after, where I struggled to learn the ropes of being a published author, yet still managed to write and sell one to two books a year, hustling like a mother. During that time there were aborted projects and disappointments, but I focused laser-like attention on my work and career, with little time for much else. Sometimes that paid off, and sometimes it didn’t. One thing it resulted in was a near-breakdown, spiritual and creative depletion, and an increasing existential dread that followed me around to the point where I felt like Edward Snowden, always looking over my shoulder.

This was unsustainable. A life of waiting for the other shoe to drop is not a good life. And a writer who doesn’t write, or who writes but finds no joy in it, does not a happy writer make. It also, incidentally, makes it hard to sell more books. The nervy you feel about a project somehow winds itself through the text, an X factor that makes or breaks a book. My books were breaking. I was breaking. So began my year of transition, which began in July 2016, an awakening of sorts that’s still very much in progress. This wasn’t intentional, not something I planned as a great experiment. It just sort of happened. Out of necessity and desperation and a nameless need.

This year of transition actually started in Spring 2016, though I had no idea that this was what was happening. I started devouring books like I used to, back when I wasn’t writing three of them at a time. I literally bought and read every single JoJo Moyes book I could find (okay, I’ve saved a couple because it’s too depressing, a life without a JoJo book to look forward to), after discovering Me Before You on a Barnes and Noble table. I was working—I had revisions and copyedits and submissions. But when I sent in the last thing that was due, in mid-June, I unwittingly gave myself a for-real break. It was on accident—I didn’t realize I was taking a break until the month of July passed with me having written only a handful of words, most of them non-fiction. I got ideas, I threw ideas away—I briefly considered learning Russia and moving to Moscow. The bulk of my writing was for a residency application I never sent in, as well as the occasional blog post or lengthy email. I began meditating, reconnected with my spiritual side, read lots of books, treated myself to copies of Vogue, discovered the delights of the French 75 cocktail, and took a poetry class. I basked in sunshine and visited with friends and family. There were still stressful writerly moments: two rewrites gone bad, dismal royalty statements. But for the first time in years, writing was not the most important thing. The most important thing was me. It was as though my soul had given me one of those piercing looks and said, My dear, you are the canvas.

Eureka.

I followed my curiosity, each urge a trail of will-o’-the-wisps that led me deeper into my inner landscape, with its turbulent sea, floating glaciers, and craggy mountains set against endless dunes (yes, somehow my innards resemble Morocco, Ireland, and Iceland). In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert says: I believe that curiosity is the secret. Curiosity is the truth and the way of creative living. She’s absolutely right. I found such joy poking around in New Age stores and going down the Wiki hole of Romanov research and planning a trip to Prague. I delighted in the plethora of self-help books I kept hearing about, got into essential oils, and finally took a Pilates class. I bought strange rings and drank beer and even started liking kale. I got a Reiki treatment and bought my first deck of Tarot cards and I campaigned for Hillary Clinton. I bought a Nasty Woman shirt and protested with thousands of women all over the world, reigniting that little Marxist-Anarchist activist that has been hiding inside me since the Bush years. I made a few big life decisions, some quite seismic, some still in progress. I grieved, felt confusion, wonder, awe, gratitude, love, solidarity, despair. I probably drank more wine after November 8th than in the rest of my life combined. I cooked my first steak. I began living according to these wise words from Elsie De Wolfe: I am going to make everything around me beautiful. That will be my life. Fresh flowers scattered about the house. Crystals lined up on windowsills. A skirt with red roses splashed across the fabric. I see the changes that all this adventuring has wrought everywhere: in my home, my body, my mind, my spirit. And yet, the writing will not budge.

I am still trekking up a damnably high mountain, hoping to reach a summit and praying there’s a nice little valley on the other side of it, with cool spring water and long, fragrant grass I can lie in when I look at the stars. Alas, creativity is uncharted territory—ever ineffable, a tricksy landscape complete with quicksand, dark forests, and, well, you get the metaphor. I confess, there have been a few occasions in which I actually uttered the phrase, Why am I doing this? Or I don’t want to be a writer anymore. I’m not sure if I meant it or not. I suspect maybe I did. It sounds ever so wonderful to leave work at work, to have boundaries between oneself and what one does for a living, to not be in constant artistic torture.

The election and its aftermath was a huge blow that I’m still recovering from. I don’t think I realized how much it affected my ability to be creative until quite recently, when I realized I have to rewrite a bogart of a book I’m working on for the third time. I cannot overstate how unlike me this is. I’ve never spent two years after selling a book trying to rewrite it. It’s madness. Maddening. But when I began to connect the dots, I could see that the bulk of the problem began in the beginning of 2016—a coincidence? I think not. As I said in an email to the book’s editor: I’m sorry for being the world’s shittiest writer. I blame Trump.

I blamed my mental health and my infernal inability to understand how time works. I blamed New York City for being so goddamn expensive and loud and distracting and fabulous. I also blamed myself, for not taking my own good advice that I give to my clients and that I myself know works. I only give advice when I’ve learned something (usually the hard way), when I know that something is tried and true. As a creativity coach, I tell my clients that each book is a different beast, and that’s true. And also that writing is a marathon (not a race), that you will never be a master, that you will always be learning, and that you should trust the process: the not knowing, the frustration—these are just hazards of the job and an essential part of the process. But each time I find myself uncertain creatively, these lessons are hard to remember. A girl has to eat, you know.

One thing my meditation teachers like to talk about is the space between breaths. In mindfulness meditation, you focus on the inhale and exhale, using it to anchor your mind in the present. Between each round of inhalation and exhalation, there is a pocket of pure being, where your body has a moment to bask in its existence, where nothing is required of it. It can’t last very long because your lungs need air, but for just a sliver of time, you are infinite. Free-floating. This is also a space for transition, much shorter than my year of transition, but equally powerful. You can discover things there, though it may take you years, or even a lifetime to figure out. You might even see what you’re made of.

This is an essential part of the meditation process. These pockets of no-breath are not simply a bridge between breaths, links on the path to nirvana. They are teaching moments, rich in the kind of knowledge that lives deep in your bones. It’s the same with the transitions in an artist’s life. The space between projects, between ideas, between inspiration and creative wastelands—this is, paradoxically, where the good stuff lives. Transitions are opportunities to grow, to heal, and to change. They give you space (whether you want it to not) to reassess your work, your craft, your goals. These sometimes involve dark nights of the soul, real reckonings that bring who you are and why you do what you do into sharp focus. Sometimes you won’t like what you see. Transitions, from an artistic point of view, are absolutely necessary. Think about the period when Bowie fled to Berlin, intent on getting clean and reconnecting to his art. He called his cocaine years in Los Angeles, where he embodied the Thin White Duke persona, “the darkest days of my life.” Despite being a rock star, he was going broke and Berlin, at the time, was a cheap place to live while he was in recovery. In Europe, he began visiting galleries, working on self-care through literature and classical music education, and, of course, kicking his cocaine habit and exploring Berlin’s music scene. His roommate was Iggy Pop, and I like to imagine them sitting around late at night, trading notes and blowing each other’s minds. What resulted was the Berlin trilogy, a rich artistic period and a turning point in his life.

Of course, not all transitions need to be so dramatic, and I’m still trying to figure out what this one means for me. When I look back, what will I call this year (or, God forbid, years)? Will I look on it fondly, or shudder, grateful that it’s over? I can’t imagine not being thankful for it. Already, I’m seeing my interests in what I want to write expand in unexpected ways. Adult fiction, young adult nonfiction, historical. I’m not quite sure where I’ll land. I’m getting ideas, but am wary of investing too much in anything. I think I’m still getting my sea legs. Meditation, exercise, and healthy eating habits are helping. As is travel and working with my clients, who inspire me every day. I’m taking lots of notes because I suspect that as much as I’m learning right now about what it means to be an artist in transition, I suspect there’s even more to glean from this time later, when I can see how all the dots connected.

Being a creative doesn’t suit our modern world, not if you’re an Artist with a capital A. Because art needs quiet, time, space, privacy. All things that are hard to come by these days, especially in Brooklyn. I stopped using my private Facebook account, rarely leave the apartment, and turn a deaf ear to industry chatter. It’s been a long time since I finished a project. Everything I’m working on is in a different stage and often ends up being cast aside or totally reworked. So of course the age old question of how to make a living as an artist rears its ugly head. If you aren’t producing, you aren’t getting paid. So while artistic explorations sound great on paper, in reality, it’s the paper itself you start worrying about.

It’s becoming increasingly hard for artists to make a living—just take a look at Trump’s budget proposal, with threatens to cut the NEA out of existence. It’s especially difficult for writers because of the plethora of content out there. Jesus, how many blogs and websites and articles can exist? With newspapers and magazines folding left and right, writers are forced to make some pretty tough choices. These concerns are ever present, and they will be for the foreseeable future. Of course, being an artist has always involved financial acrobatics. Chekhov paid the bills through a medical practice, and Tolstoy had to self-publish War and Peace. I’m in good company. I’ve very much begun to appreciate Elizabeth Gilbert’s words in Big Magic about how your job as an artist is to take care of your creativity, not the other way around. It’s been interesting, cobbling together an income that all leads back to writing, but isn’t necessarily writing. Teaching and coaching and editing allows me to talk about what I love—writing, the artistic process, and creative living—and to help my fellow writers on their own journeys. It also gives me the chance to take care of my writing, rather than requiring it to pay all the bills. I’m already seeing the seeds I’m planting blossoming. For the first time in a long time, I’m allowing myself to consider alternative ways of living and alternative approaches to my writing. Maybe I don’t publish a book every year. Maybe I don’t only write in YA. Maybe I play a whole lot more in my creative process. Maybe I take time to take care of myself.

The journey continues, endless and exciting and horrible and wonderful, an adventure I’m honored to have. I take a breath, exhale, and rest in the transition, looking forward to whatever comes next.

#pneumacreative creativitycoaching quotes writing heatherdemetrios #meditation

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