#also this is why I tend to latch onto comfort characters/shows so much HABBDBD

[dimidarling]

Part of me wants to make a long emotional unus annus post bc it truly did mean sooooo much to me and I’m in tears as we speak just sadder than I’ve been in a long fucking time but I know like..... I’m just a cocktail rn lmao

(vent under cut)

Yesterday I was hit with a POTENT shot of anxiety later in the day relating to an interest that had previously been absolutely euphoric for several weeks so now I’m working thru anxiety over an interest (which honestly? Happens w almost all my interests at some point or another and I hate it lmao) and not being able to turn to it for joy and comfort until that anxiety somehow passes, and then bECAUSE I was anxious I’ve barely eaten the past 24 hours bc my stomach felt too gross (anxiety manifestation w me) so I’ve been super wonky bc of that even tho I’m tryna eat some things and drink tea and such. And then today we had a scare w one of my cats where we legit didn’t kno if she’d make it thru the day like..... I was sitting at my laptop watching the unus annus stream being like internally “is she going to not last through the week? are we going to have to say goodbye?” Which obviously feels AWFUL and scary as hell amidst my other emotions so it’s like.... she’s ok and stable now I think but holy shit...... I’m just soooo fucking sad about so many things it’s all hitting at once and I hate venting bc I don’t!! Wanna make anyone feel bad! Or have anyone worry!! Like I despise the idea of that! I don’t even rlly do that irl w family I only “”vent”” via mentioned sarcastic jokes and just. Process anxiety and sadness internally lmao. But idk sometimes writing things down and putting them out helps. And I kno it’ll b fine tomorrow and I’m gonna try to eat a little before bed or at least drink some kiefer for the protein + probiotics but damn....... last two days have fucking sucked I can’t remember the last time I was this sad and anxious HAVBSBDBFN even tho I’m anxious a lot it’s like. More lmao. Anyway. I’ll deeply deeply  miss seeing the vids on my YouTube and watching them w my sib and laughing to them and playing them in the bg when I need happy things to fill the space....... just generally having them as this consistent background of the year.... fuck..

ALSO I am anxious abt like. Lmao expressing on social media that I like unus annus and mark in particular bc I kno he can b a controversial figure? And I feel like at least some of my friends/ppl in my social circle rlly don’t like him and so I’m like aaaaaaaaa I rlly don’t wanna b judged I’m so afraid of ppl judging me bc of that idk if that sounds dumb...

Also damn bitch I’m fuckin lonely lmao. Not to b dramatic but I’m w my fam and chat w online friends all day every day almost (and sometimes voice chat) but I still feel lonely as shit 24 fucking 7 :P