#also updated the pinned for the new year. the tldr is that it's gonna be one usopp per day from now on.... sorry guys

[usoppictures]

Happy 2008, guys!

[spacesymbol]

anyways HI. its been uhh... two weeks since last post but about a month since any actual life updates. so im gonna do... that!

gonna split this one into tumblr specific updates and personal updates since i figure the latter is a little less important to some people. not trying to sound mean there, i get the feeling!

anyways, tumblr specific updates!

the big update is that i completely revamped my carrd. theres a lot more text now, and the layout doesnt look as good on mobile as it does on desktop, but i still like how it looks a lot better than the previous version.

i also added a new tag to my pinned. the tag is just this 📁 emoji, and its sort of a catchall tag for posts about media that i like. since i got rid of alter tags a while ago and i dont really like tagging specific franchises, i figured this works better for now.

my pinned post was also updated to reflect this change, and theres even a new tag guide/explanation!

okay now for the more personal life related updates. theres a LOT you have been warned!

where did i last leave off... right, the delaware trip! okay well i say that as if a lot happened on that trip. which is incorrect.

the only real big thing about the delaware trip was that i was kind of suffering for the whole trip since i had just been put back on adhd medication, and the dosage was WAY too high so my body did not adjust well at all and i was having like horrific symptoms for the whole week. and i wish i could truthfully say that the dosage of that medication is sorted out now but i cant!!!! 🥲

in the four days between the end of the delaware trip and the first day of school i went to a friends belated birthday party... which was the only time i hung out with any of my friends for the entire summer actually. but the party was still fun...!!

the rest of the updates are gonna be school related. since the next significant thing after that party was the first day of senior year.

my classes have all been manageable so far. i think the stress is definitely going to pile up soon with college application deadlines swiftly approaching, but the impending reality of that hasnt really set in yet. it is definitely nice to be taking classes i genuinely enjoy this year, even if the coursework is difficult!

i dont remember how much ive talked about my social standing at school on here but tldr it sucks. i dont have any genuinely close friends or a dedicated friend group that enjoys my presence at all. something something the we should call fiona interview quote... thats basically described my social situation for the past several months.

in terms of theater. hoo boy. well you see, our drama teacher (and shows producer) is on maternity leave. and not only did she switch the order of plays and musicals again (the fall show is a play this year), but she chose two plays for us to do this fall.

basically both shows are one act plays with no real lead roles since the scenes arent connected at all. performances will go like: show one, intermission, show two. and the "no lead roles" thing would be great except for the fact that this is one of my two senior theater productions with this school and i would like the chance to earn bigger roles, you know?

anyways auditions came and went and the cast list was released last thursday. and you will never guess who one of my romantic scene partners is. well. its my ex 😁👍

i mean besides the fact that i have to pretend to swoon over my ex, im really happy with my roles. i got double cast in one of the plays as opposed to one role in each play, and i like the play i got double cast in a lot better. and i only auditioned with two scenes from that play, and got cast in both of those scenes that i auditioned with, so i assume the director really liked my auditions?

also one of the scenes im in (not the one with my ex) is fully just an internalized homophobia turned "dude i think i love you" scene and its just SUCH a good scene. i really like my scenes and characters, i am just rightfully worried about rehearsing a romantic scene with my ex for two months...! but it will be fine. probably

okay this is getting REALLY long but uhhh general not-life-related updates.

undertale day!!! we split a chara less than 24 hours after the newsletter dropped 👍

my cats fifth birthday was last wednesday!!!!!! i could write a whole essay about how much this tiny beast means to me but just know i love her lots okay?

okay. okay. i THINK thats everything i have to say. uhh this is the part of the post where i talk about future tumblr updates and status.

idk. idk!!!!!!!!! the stress and busyness of senior year is kind of starting to get to me a bit so i might just disappear for a few months. or maybe ill continue updates every couple of weeks or every month.

i definitely want to return to posting here as regularly as i used to, but i always either avoid it for some reason or have other things i need to be doing instead. so whos to say how active ill be! i definitely dont know!

[incarnateirony]

Hi! I’m only asking this as an anon because I don’t really want my name out there. But just fyi, I totally believe u and I’ve gone through ur blog and seen that everything you’ve said has turned out to be true so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the Winchesters info. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve gathered through ur blog that u work in the industry, but not directly with Warner Brothers? So just wondering how you’ve gotten so much info about the Winchesters? It’s totally cool if u don’t want to answer, I was just curious. I’m pretty ignorant on how the tv industry works. And also, do u know how many seasons the Winchesters is supposed to go for? Or at least what they’re aiming for? And is it leading into something else like a sequel or a reboot?? I mean obvs they’re gonna reboot SPN eventually, but is this directly leading to it? I’m really enjoying the show so far so I’m just curious.

Frankly, it came by several angles. Initial sending went one way. Followup additions went by another source. The script for net4 draft was found publicly. Fandom proposed it was fake, but minding the initial send, and previously available information included like the arenas I've talked about--as well as basic info like when drafts are submitted or sent out for order--well. You recognize shit and can see the authenticity stamps, and when you have older drafts on hand, there's certain shit you can't fake.

So there's that. One thing I've been clear about: I am not from Vancouver filming. At all. If anything Vancouver was lowkey enemy territory of Atlanta, due to the whole... WB pickapart of TBS, the ship out to New York, the pedowitz installation and then bulking out shows to Canada. So like. On that front, it's like a blood walking into crip territory. Like I know the game but I am DEFINITELY outside my perimeter. So on that front. You keep your head low and you know how to navigate.

My SPN attuned sources are, by and large (with a few new exceptions) separate from my industry sources. I fully admit I weaseled my way through things for years. I made very calculated decisions that seemed minor at the time, often unnoticed.

I was ripped up into a shitstorm on day one that fell me into an ITK group of old. It quickly educated me on a lot of fandom issues and contacts and information. Then TAW hit, and I got ripped further up the chain and tapped for information and reports. And then TAW kept hitting, but you guys never found out, because I was busting my ass, you're welcome. All those squabbles with "Castiel's Angels" or Lineage weren't just silly fandom drama, that was playing Pin The Travis Hydra Heads. For about 3 years, every 3 months or so we had a travis incident, and I'd have to shove out new reports which, tldr, basically went to misha's legal team, and no, I'm not going to break down how or where.

You guys saw public bickering with front accounts of his. Maybe you even saw the doxxing website. Hell, maybe you're one of the unfortunate dozen or so people that ended up on it. But you know what? Big Scawwy Awmy Man Twavis only updated one person's listing to Armed And Dangerous. People stopped knocking my mailbox down. And that was AFTER he was already mad enough to Fuck Around And Find Out, because he was already blacklisted, because the dumbfuck pissed his pants on my facebook where facebook will helpfully first degree his bullshit to names like Hilfigers. Great job, douchecanoe, you played yourself.

throughout I also made outreach efforts. Yes, I did message authors. Yes, I do know at least two have followed my youtube for years. yes, I know several read my blog and even refer to my mythos meta. Yes, I stayed involved with Wayward, and author support, and listened closely to what they said or didn't say, and took my chances to speak with them, and be known to them, and be a welcoming face of the fandom that loves their theology as much as their fight for ships. To listen to their love for each other, to treat them like humans, to learn who they admire in the room, and how that room works.

And over that time, after giving that help, I was asked for other help. Like author mute lists. Or actor danger watch lists to give to their security company.

And again randos will be like RECEIPTS. bitch i don't care, i didn't screenshot me sending off the importable excel file, just fuckin' deal with it. [gestures vaguely at Mark P teleporting out and disappearing from cons at an increasing rate] dude's busy now. Totes coincidence. Nothing to do with a recent explosion. He and his lawyers assure you.

...Anyway.

That's separate from what I've told of myself in the past--I have innate Atlanta history. Really it's more of the gulf, I just talk about Atlanta most because that's where I got fired out towards and where the real engine is. Technically I got scooped up in houston, yeeted out to Atlanta and bounced around with various projects. I mostly hovered in the music industry but my personal work ended up market testing near to TPS, and via a fella i now call big bro that this fandom loves to deny exists, my pasty ass got adopted into a black entertainment community, by a long series of dominos I don't feel like re-unpacking in this post.

That said, if you review the long history of the fall of TBS to WB's vulture picking I've posted about, just shuffle me in there. I'm not gonna get terribly more specific but put a bullseye roughly in that ring of the gulf and that market, and assume the majority of my connections are there (with exception to a designer that moved up to New York and did some other work after I walked and an independently developed relationship with the Arrowstorm company by other means, so randomly, Also Utah, Because Life Reasons.)

Now look at the names behind Nexstar's leadership. Now look at TBS. Look at Dennis Miller, former creative under Ted Turner. Turner Broadcasting System. Look at Schwartz, talking about Tyler Perry nonstop. Look at the Assembly, look at all the stuff I been talking about, look at my talk about IAC, meredith etc etc [continues to gesture off in that direction]

Basically, the sources are many. The industry flow/stations/syndicates/affiliates/channel purchase/business/blahblah is like. One side of the lane. Make that column A. Column B is "holy fuck how did I get sucked up into this Vancouver clusterfuck LET ME OUT oh well might as well run some useful messages."

Also along the way I also do collect random shit. Sometimes fans just know I have a lot of info, and find something, and figure it might fit into the giant fuckin vault I'm hiding in the back and help us all piece out something. Like I won't lie, that happens a lot. Because sometimes you can have 95% of the puzzle but just the right pieces are missing, and someone trips and falls on the one that helps you figure the rest out.

No leaker or industry person ever has 100% insight just from a pipeline. It's something I talk about with people like Wiki, or Manchin back in the day. They get very overconfident with their new shiny badges and don't understand how their data is filtered, how most information is need to know, that the editing department doesn't get news about market testing, that the tech consultant doesn't get full modern scripts or advanced news on major elements that they're trying to keep tight, etc. But they all love to blabber to other equally unqualified idiots, which is how you get pipelines of "there's no market testing, (coffee runner) said so" "Berens has no intent, (coffee runner) said so." "The script is fake, (coffee runner) said so." Then like oops debunker proved it oops berens self proved it OOPS. OOPS THE PILOT AIRED AND THEY TRIPPED WITH THEIR OWN SCRIPT AND WERE EVEN LYING. WEIRD.

The older and more versed you are in the fuckeries of media, the more critical you are of sources, because even high sources can be limited in perspective from, say, the business angle you're coming from.

So I take a little from Column A, a little from Column B, I apply my compendium of industry knowledge and common sense, and slip in a little bit of Option C when it's slid on, and there you go, you have a self-critical and self-supporting 3-pillar structure to sort through extremely complicated truths in.

Beyond that, things like the filming I find is a mix. Like, IG exists. But I also worked in the area so I know which IATSE groups to follow even if people aren't technically listed yet, because they might free up on one job and wander in to replace a colleague in another, then of course there's the ones that you can find if you know the IATSE group. Like, the average fan doesn't give a fuck about the Electrician or Set Dresser, but I Fucking Do. So basically, take that as more "I know a few of these guys, trained a few of the guys that trained these guys, I know the neighborhood, I know how to waddle around and find shit."

Hope that helps.

(Congrats now you know why I he-haw at 2po's twice-badly-interpreted M&Gs that he self-proved as bullshit. amazing sources buddy.)

Oh and there's other random what the fuck hows, like eugenie's cousin being a friend of mine on a fluke, or the fact that i accidentally and unknowingly married sera gamble's second cousin and didn't realize it until I had to mail a package and shit my pants. Eventually you just get so tangled up in this shit you're like a fly in a spiderweb. I don't fuckin know why. My soul is attached to this show for some goddamn reason, there's no getting out. For a while I was the opposite of that LET ME IN guy. LET ME OUUUUUUUUUUUT. But I decided now that the battle is over and we won I'm just gonna lay on the floor while the assholes burn and take it all in. I done my duty and beyond.

[metalbatandzenko]

About me taking breaks from this blog

Hey everyone!

You might have noticed that I’ve been taking intermittent breaks from this blog. I try to announce it when I am, because falling off the face of the earth isn’t exactly courteous of me.

I’ve been getting a lot of asks asking if I’m alright and/or if there’s a reason why I’m kind of shutting myself off.

And here’s the thing. I know I don’t technically owe anyone an explanation for why I’ve been doing that. 

But I do want to give one. 

So think of this as more of an update I guess? Anyways, update under the cut. 

Warning: it’s long.

So, about why I’ve been taking breaks/why I haven’t been as interactive lately.

I’ve been rolling this around for a long time and trying to form the words to express all this.

There’s several major factors going on here, but the TLDR is I have an issue with feeling guilty about everything, even when I have no obligation to a person or situation, and it’s tanking my mental health.

1. The first, and most inconsequential, is I’m back to school. 

I’m a full time college student generally and have been since I started this sideblog. But as of this semester, I’ve officially transferred to a new university, which means school is taking up more of my time. 

I’m also in an honors program now, which means maintaining a 4.0 is—for financial reasons—more important than ever. I’m a bit stressed out, I’m not gonna lie! 

Also, the switch to remote has been a particularly rough one. I’m having a really hard time defining the boundary between “school and homework time” and downtime, which means anytime I spend not doing homework is really just spent with me feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I’m not trying to get ahead in class.

2. The world is kind of going through shit right now.

I’d be a liar if I said the state of the world isn’t killing my motivation. There’s a lot of shit going on, and it’s overwhelming. It feels like the second we slow down to catch a breath, a new tragedy hits. 

3. My depression is kind of killing me.

Like everyone, isolation is fucking with me. It has the fun side effect of piling onto my depression, so I’ve been really having a hard time finding the will to do anything, even things I enjoy. 

This also links to that feeling of guilt over not being productive: I want to do something I enjoy, but I can’t because I’m consumed with guilt over the fact I’m not meeting some perceived “productivity quota”, so instead of doing that work, or doing something I enjoy, I do nothing. I’ve been sleeping more these past few months than I ever have, but I’m still tired all the time.

4. Family matters.

I’m lucky in that I’m quarantined with my parents, so I have some interaction, but that also means that I am quarantined with my abusive father. As a closeted, nb gay mixed-asian, being forced to spend almost all my time with my violently racist, homophobic and transphobic white dad has been uh. not great for my mental health.

He also just finished his second round of treatments and we’re waiting on a prognosis to see if he’s cancer free or not, so I’ve been grappling with my extremely mixed feelings surrounding him (as well as the fact that I’ll likely be outed at some point and have to plan for an emergency exit when I live in a different state than the rest of my family and the majority of my friends in the middle of a pandemic) for the past six months or so.

5. I have been teetering dangerously close to full burnout for about five months now, and I think it’s finally hit.

Like I mentioned, I’m sleeping more than I ever have in my life. I’m tired all the time, and I keep getting hit with waves of just. really aggressive sadness and isolation. I’ve cried more in the past month than I have in uh. years.

Writing fanfic is a hobby. The problem is, my hobby overlaps with my major: I’m a creative writing major, so a lot of my creative energy has been going towards that.

Trying to balance both is a really tricky line to walk, and I just can’t do it right now. I’m struggling enough with class as it is, so content creation has fallen to the wayside, and I feel really shitty about that, especially since it’s something I enjoy.

I also felt like I always had to be “on”/accessible for this blog. (This is a personal problem that stems from growing up in a very service based culture, and one I’m working on, but it required time away and better boundaries on my part.)

6. Increased sense of alienation from the fandom at large.

This is kind of linked to 5.

Being able to keep anon on is really important to me, I know I personally don’t always feel comfortable sending asks to people off anon (I’ve joked before that even with users I’m genuinely friends with, I send asks on anon bc I don’t want them to feel like I’m waiting on an answer). 

I only answer about a quarter of the asks I receive (I won’t say a quarter of the asks people send me given tumblr’s tendency to eat asks). About a third of the asks are: asking me when a fic of mine will be updated/a wip will be posted, accusing me of something, flat out rude/hateful, or asking really invasive personal questions. 

I’ve gotten a few asking me to elaborate on specific traumas that I don’t think I’ve even mentioned on this blog, which is both violating and extremely entitled: as if someone else gets to decide if my trauma is legitimate enough or something.

There are also the asks that I either don’t have the energy to give the love they deserve and avoid because I feel guilty about that, or just flat out I don’t want to answer.

But deciding not to answer the asks sent in good faith makes me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. This, again, is a personal problem, and one I’m working on.

I also feel my hyperfixation on opm beginning to fade.

But generally, I just feel less connected to the fandom. It’s mostly because my lack of spoons means I’m not reaching out to people as much, but there are other factors too. It sounds dramatic, but I’m still a little shaken by the spat I had with another opm blog a couple of months ago.

And generally? I don’t think the fandom is as active anymore anyways. Some small, self-absorbed part of me still blames myself for some of that, because the timing of the fandom dying down and fracturing came right after the dispute I mentioned.

7. I really want this account to stay associated with happy things, and I’m not feeling too happy right now.

This blog was one I made because I enjoyed opm and wanted to have fun with it. I still love opm, and I love some of the friends I’ve made on here, but I just. I don’t feel the love for the fandom as a whole right now, and given all the negative emotions/things I just laid out, I’m worried about it somehow rubbing off on this blog, both for me, and for the people who follow me.

---

So yeah, that’s what’s going on on my end. I’m trying to stay positive and take care of myself, but I’m beyond overwhelmed, both for reasons related to, and entirely unrelated to this blog.

I want this blog to feel positive, and I worry this feels like I’m fishing for pity. That’s not it. I just need to get it off my chest, and kind of lay out where I am for you all, because I care about you.

Anyways, that’s all I got. I don’t know if I’ll delete this for now, but for the time it’s up, I’ll have it pinned to my blog. 

Love you all, and be gentle with yourself.

[tetsorous]

life update... again ?

my last life update was posted about 2 years ago, here it is. honestly i just read it through and like ...wow i was still so young back and had so many things in store for me. 

also updated my masterlist and pinned it! life update below the cut

tldr; became a kpoppie, finished college, might get back into writing.

am i gonna continue writing:

i honestly don’t know if I’m able to commit for a list of reasons. i’ll write it out in a list form:

college made me dumb. i haven’t wrote anything descriptive in so long i honestly forgot how. I was reading my older fics and i was genuinely so impressed by my writing. all i can write now is thesis, reports and like idk analysis. college stupefied me 

my internship right now albeit not too stressful, is incredibly time consuming. I’m working 6 days a week and by the time i get home i honestly just wanna crash in bed, but i’ll find a way

i really REALLY do wanna get back in writing and rekindle my love for writing and reading but its so hard to get the motivation to do so. its even harder right now because i open up my writing app and just stare at it for like, 30 minutes and nothing comes out. I’ll probably start small and write headcanons and slowly build my way back up.

education and all that jazz:

The last time i consistently posted updates on this blog was about 3 years ago, I was 16 then; I’m about to turn 19 in month and this blog has somehow stuck with me for the good and for the worst. 

2 years ago I mentioned that I just started college, I was naive to what the world had to offer. 2 years later: I graduated and just finished my diploma, I’ll be starting university to get my degree next year. To keep it short, college has been a wild, wild ride.

I had a boyfriend 2 years ago then but right now I’m single and exploring my sexuality. I’ve been through a rather traumatic experience last year with my second ex and I haven’t fully recovered from it yet. But i learned to accept solitude and independency: I love being single, it’s freeing and immensely gratifying. I’m in a way better place than I ever was since I was 12. I’m happy now. And for the first time, I’m confident when I say that.

The friends I made in college in the past... well, most of them didn’t stick through the 2 year ride, except 1. I’m sure he’s gonna be a friend for life. 

College sometimes sucked ass but I picked up some skills along the way. I finished my internship requirement back in March this year, and after graduating I decided to intern for my aunts company, which brings us to today; I’m doing well.

my interests and all that

To keep it short, I suddenly became a kpop stan— much to my and everyone’s surprise. I fell in love with BTS during a very dark time and their music was the one keeping me sane. I stan other groups too but they’re my ults :) I also run a stan twt account and made more friends there. One of which I would call my ‘friend’ soulmate.

to be frank, i fell out of love with haikyuu for about 2 years and stopped keeping up with updates. But come quarantine this year and I watched season 4; needless to say, I fell in love all over again and I love that show more than ever before. The ending of the manga made me bawl like a 15 year old but I was so, so happy with it. The new episodes every week are the one thing I look forward to nowadays.

apart from haikyuu, i also fell in love with BNHA but the fandom on twitter puts me off a little so i’m not too crazy over it. but bakugou <3

i also got back into anime now, and my obsession (read: addiction) is pretty bad right now! I’m close to watching a 100 shows now and it’s really fun picking up new series. Here is my anime list.

extras

if you read all the way here, thank you :’) this is definitely gonna be a challenge to get back into writing and honestly the sole reason why I’m back here again is because of the lack of ushijima fics and it’s getting on my nerves but u didn’t hear that from me 🤨  anyways im excited to be back, see u soon <3