#also yes literally worst timing to open commissions lmao. i might close them. write the one i got and... sort myself out

[encrucijada]

i think it really is time to accept i have creative burnout.

[finsterhund]

Exhaustion and updates

Hoping it's just an issue on twitch's end or the ISP but my test stream had the occasional drop of frames and freezing for half a second. No issues to me but it was present in the VOD.

Really hoping that's not a thing that is going to occur commonly.

Might want to see about getting better upload speed.

But yeah. Expect an update on my computer soon. I've been very busy and very sore and tired from doing errands, setting up my computer (it's a heavy boy) and tons of stuff. Laundry tomorrow and I'm still sore from all the lifting and running around so I'll be out of it for a while still.

I'll be posting photos and stuff. I'm very proud.

I was and still am so anxious about my computer being okay. I'm paranoid about that sorta stuff. There were some hiccups and troubleshooting and I'm sad I didn't get the no CD patch of Heart of Darkness working on it, but it is happy and healthy now.

Spot from my friend arrived too. The black fur on the back is damaged somehow which means not as soft and also shedding. Upsets me a lot but maybe that's a reason to get this Spot a service dog vest.

Also not big enough to be the proposed "giant Spot" but large enough to take on trips and stuff. Good for hugs. So good for hugs. Second favourite Spot after the OG Cuddle Clone Spot.

My computer is a handsome machine. So many lights and fans. Graphics card has lights and fans, heatsink has lights and fan, etc.

Also my friend finally gave me his old monitor officially for real this time. Because I bought it off him. So I actually have space on my desk.

I also fixed my chair. It's still loud and squeaky and broken but at least the back stays up again.

Expect some crisp HoD footage soon. Planning a high resolution death scene video. It's a long time coming.

Also planning to use the absolute beast of a computer to get back into Minecraft and start playing Among Us with friends. I can't tell health wise if I'll be able to finally get into 3D modeling but perhaps. Especially if I can get a new chair or start physiotherapy.

I discovered a way that twitter is broken. If you report tweets for abuse towards you/targeted harassment and twitter decides that the tweets were abuse and against the rules but doesn't think that justifies terminating the entire account, the person who made those tweets is told specifically which ones they were and has their account locked until they manually delete them.

In case you're wondering, yes, that does absolutely inspire them to immediately go right back to targeting the person who got them a slap on the wrist.

Like, if twitter just temporarily banned them and deleted the tweets without explaining which ones they were that would be fine, but not temp banning them and just locking their accounts until they delete the offending tweets literally does nothing except open up the person harassed to more harassment.

Nobody who gets away with harassment and keeps their account is gonna say "uh oh, twitter shook its finger at me I better leave this guy alone."

No wonder the site is so toxic. Not even Tumblr moderation was this horrendous.

Back to positives, I'm hoping once I'm no longer physically and mentally exhausted to start drawing some more again. Maybe with my chair fixed it'll be easier.

A Paper Beast unfolded edition stream is on the horizon, as are HoD speedrunning practice streams. That'll be a good way to iron out whatever weird freezing thing happens.

Now that I no longer am putting away money for my computer I hope to get back to commissioning art. I've sorta lost the drive for it due to my physical and emotional health.

I'm hoping to be more active with friends in the coming months, even though seasonal depression has already started to punch me in the gut.

They already have christmas stuff out. Walmart didn't even have halloween stuff this year they just went straight to christmas. All I can think about when reminded of the holiday is how it's the reason my last dog is dead. I have absolutely no reason to get into any sort of festivities this year and I am dreading how the corporate world is going to smother me with it in a way that is unavoidable.

Don't think I'm even going to celebrate the Winter Solstice this year. It just feels wrong.

Friends are already talking about doing their shopping and getting gifts and I'm walking past the isles in the stores and it just hurts. Just wish this year could just be fall and then spring. No winter.

I know this year is tough for everyone so I don't want to ruin whatever comfort my friends may be getting from the holiday, but it's a painful reminder to me and I was already avoidant of christmas on account of celebrating the Solstice instead. Before I could celebrate christmas with friends who did and had my own fun surrounding it but now all I can think about is how the last light of my life died of a preventable respiratory infection because the emergency vet office was closed. I'm the one who should have died of respiratory issues. That's what I'm predisposed to. Not her. It's one of the most horrific ways to die and I'd only ever wish it on my worst enemies. How many times have I scraped by from viral pneumonia and everything else and when my Zippy gets kennel cough for no fucking reason they just fucking kill her without telling me.

The thing is, the Spot photos are from Christmas so I wish I could just associate it with Spot instead but no.

I meant for this post to be positive primarily but in writing this out I think I've pinpointed why the seasonal depression is so hard on me right now.

My friend and I are going to be watching horror movies in costume on Halloween eating candy so I'm looking forward to that.

A green apple scented Spot is also coming from Lilsprout (same person who made Penumbra) so that's something good to look forward to as well.

I may try weighting and scenting my new Spot who I'm planning to get a service dog vest for. Also if anyone knows how to fix heat damaged fake fur fabric please let me know.

I just wish I could ignore christmas. It's such an alienating and depressing holiday if your loved ones are dead and you feel alone and hopeless.

I've started taking melatonin and it is really helping me sleep. Apparently it causes very lucid dreams. The first night I took it I had a lucid dream that was like I was awake but not. Briefly the new Spot lying beside me shifted into being Zippy (her specifically, not Spot) and I felt such a profound comfort as if she had visited me. I feel that's what Red Spot originally felt like when I was little, thinking this imaginary dog was Spot visiting me.

Was sad when I finally woke up though. Tried to do the thing where I stayed in the dream but my back pain got too bad and I had to get up.

Once I've done the laundry tomorrow and had some time to rest I'm sure I'll be more active online again. I hope. Will is streaming the Seventh Brother on the 30th so a bunch of friends are finally going to see the movie that the tired and weak crying puppy is from.

I don't really have any tasks out of my house to do right now except maybe some more groceries in a couple weeks. Of course my desire to go to thrift stores is ever present. I help buy gas so I should get to go lmao.

Think I'll listen to upbeat music now and then take my medicine. Hopefully less serious updates in the future soon.

For now my test stream is still available in VOD form on my twitch http://www.twitch.tv/finsterhund and I'm planning to upload it to YouTube later.

Take care of yourselves, and if you see stuffed dogs I'm your travels that look like Spot... I am interested. 👀