#alternative title: happy dilf day

[kafeinated]

to the man who has the prettiest eyes.

[aestheticaltcow]

Last Updated: 04/13/2024

Teasing

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Carmy is a tease, and you love it. MDNI 18+

Elementary School

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Carmy comes to pick you up from work while Richie teases the two of you

What Happens In Vegas Doesn't Always Stay In Vegas

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x OC A four-part series about a past mistake both Carmy and Ellie had long forgotten about. Part 1: Those are Legal? Part 2: The Bear, Abuse of Power, and a Dick Measuring Contest Part 3: The Fight Part 4: DC in October

Family Ties

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Carmy butts heads with his 17-year-old daughter

Father's Day

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Father's day cards covered in glitter and a surprise, what more could Carmy ask for?

High School

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Carmy didn't like high school, but he did like you, so when you asked him to come speak to this year's graduating class, how could he say no?

Food is Love

~Requested~ (forgot to give it a title) Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader After the passing of your father, you have a hankering for "Daddy Soup." You can't figure out the recipe, so you enlist the help of your Michelin star boyfriend to figure it out

Slumber Party

~Requested~ Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader You didn't take Carmy as a 3-in-1 guy but I guess sleeping over at his place for the first time gives you a good amount of insight on your boyfriend.

Feral

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader After work fun ~ MDNI 18+

Our Future

Richard "Richie" Jerimovich x Reader Age gaps can be hard. Being in two different times of your lives makes the idea of the future seem impossible.

Social Media Manager: The Series

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Marcus's friend Rusty is intriguing and Carmy wants to get to know her better. Why not hire her to revamp The Bear's social media pages? Part 1: Introductions and Donuts Part 2: Meetings, Meetings, Meetings

Our Present

Richard "Richie" Jerimovich x Reader Richie isn't just going to let you walk away from this relationship. He loves you too much to allow it. Part two of "Our Future"

The Carmy Blurb Playlist

A collection of Carmy blurbs inspired by songs I dig that give me Carmy vibes

A Different Point of View

Natalie Berzatto's POV on the events of Season 1

Girlfriend Treatment

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader MDNI 18+ Takes place in the "Cigarettes" universe. Carmy 'lays down the law' regarding your situationship.

Six Months

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Six months postpartum and six months of celibacy, is a sexually frustrated Carmy going to risk his marriage and future relationship with his daughter for a woman who smells like artificial vanilla?

Three-Three-Three

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Based on the fridge scene of the S2 finale; you help Carmy calm down when he's having a panic attack

The Night When It Went Wrong

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader [Part Two of the Six Months multiverse] MDNI 18+ Oops, this got far too angsty... Carmy stays out all night and makes some questionable choices. Maybe he can keep it from you?

The Aftermath

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader [Part Three of the Six Month multiverse] MDNI 18+ Also got FAR too angsty. Carmy's mistakes catch up to him.

Boyfriend Treatment

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader MDNI 18+ The final part of cigarettes multiverse

Two Months

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader [Part Four to the Six Month multiverse] MDNI 18+ Illness, guilt, and Carmy being the DILF he is gets him back in the house. A night out and a pervy Carmy... what could go wrong?

You're un-beet-liveable

Sydney "Syd" Aduam x Male Reader (actually, it's Paul Mescal) A cute delivery guy makes Syd a little less annoyed that Carmy asked her to come in early.

Is this what you were looking for?

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader Carmy has a habit of misplacing his wedding ring, so he came up with a better alternative.

Healing

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader [Part Five to the Six Month Multiverse] MDNI 18+ An angsty story has a happy ending

[bellafragolina]

Steven does go spelunking canonically. 👍

It’s a hobby he picked up from his father, Joseph Stone (who is totally a DILF I might add) and when he isn’t doing research for his father or working as Champion, Steven is often in caves searching for rare stones. At the end of ORAS he leaves you a letter in his home along with a Beldum, and that’s why you can find him other games.

He’s traveling to both “find himself” and find more rare rocks. In Platinum he bought a villa (specifically so he had somewhere to stay while he went rock hunting) and sells it to you once he’s satisfied his Sinnoh rock collection. In Emerald, he retired his Champion title to Wallace so he could continue on his rock finding journey.

Steven is shredded both from his heavy steel pokemon and from spelunking 🤣

I like to imagine that the Beldums stayed afloat a bit at first when he first tried to carry them, before gradually increasing their weight until he was strong enough to hold them on his own, and then one day when he’s giving his Metagross pets it just kinda leans over like a cat or dog would and collapses on top of him, and when Steven goes to give Metagross a slight nudge to ask it to get off because it is quite literally crushing him, he unintentionally lifts the heavy pokemon up.

Steven: “…Hm. Interesting. Not what I thought was going to happen.”

Metagross: *happy metal noises as Steven starts to give it more pets*

Alternatively-

Steven, getting crushed by his Metagross after giving it pets: “Well, if this is how I die it’s how I die. Worth it.”

Wallace: “Steven no.”

Steven: “Steven yes.”

<3 cave spelunking scares the absolute shit out of my and I worry endlessly for Steven but he is strong and capable I’m sure he’ll be fine but if I was his partner I’d be like 👀 Stevie be so careful

Also steven being able to pick up his heavy Pokémon must be such a cute sight. I bet the Pokémon love being picked up, like how big dogs like being picked up. They get so excited. <3

~Renee

[woodsbane]

Have you been apart of the sterek fandom forever? Do you want some nostalgia? Well here are some fics that if you’ve been around you have probably read over and over, and here they are again. AKA the sterek fic rec thats been a long time coming. If you’re relatively new, I suggest these as they have kind of been the top sterek fics since the relationship began. Enjoy!

 Fireman Derek’s Crazy Pie (Cheeseburger Baby) 17,698 | Teen and Up

“He can't blame me for the fact that I live in a building full of people united in the singular effort to ogle Hot Fireman as often as humanly possible."

Laura laughs, loud and echoing in the empty restaurant.

"Hot firemen can make a girl do crazy things," she agrees, nodding towards her brother's name on the menu. "Derek won't let me date anyone from his company, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the eye candy."

"Send them my way," Stiles suggests, finally loading up a forkful of pie. 

"Apparently I'm incompetent enough that I need to be babysat at all times, because it would be cheaper than dispatching a truck every time I try to use a kitchen appliance."

 According to Plans  72,744 | E 

Five times Stiles and Derek pretend to be boyfriends, and the one time they didn't have to pretend at all. (Or: in which Stiles' plan for senior year is completely ruined by a supernatural creature stalking him.)

By Any Other Name 33,090 | E

He doesn't know his name, he doesn't know who he is, and neither does the werewolf he's on the run with. But he's pretty sure they hunt monsters, because they seem to be really good at it.

Moonwalkers  531,781 | E

Stiles had his entire Seven Years of Hogwarts all planned out:

Prank and Prank Hard. Woo Lydia Martin. Avoid detention and Potions at all cost. Have crazy fun.

Enter brooding werewolf to send this plan to the bottom of the Black Lake.

(Sacred) In the Ordinary  (THIS IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE) 78,759 | E

The Pack, after college, graduate school and the starting of careers, comes back to Beacon Hills. Nothing's gotten less complicated after all this time. Based on a kink meme prompt that grew legs and got serious. Note: This is a whole lot of pack!fic with a very slow build Derek/Stiles.

 There’s Monsters at Home  83,575 | E

“How did you get past the wards?” Derek had put them up, with Peter’s grudging assistance, after the Alpha pack had made themselves at home a few times too many.

The guy pulled a face. “You mean the wards a five-year-old girl with the mental ability of a goldfish could deconstruct?” He blinked wide eyes at Derek. “Gee, I don’t know. It’s bound to go down as one of life’s great mysteries.”

Derek despised him.

 Hide of A Life War  26,102 | E

“We have received confirmation that there is a hostage situation in progress at a warehouse compound two hours out of Los Angeles, following a multiple-vehicle pileup on Highway 101 this morning...”

The one in which Stiles has lived to (legal) adulthood and, along the way, become a bit of a badass himself.

 Baking My Way Into Your Heart  178,630 | M

Derek is an uptight college student, all work and no play. His carefully scheduled life is thrown kilter when his regular barista is replaced with someone new. 

 Living With Lycanthropy 44,905 | E

AKA: The Sterek Rival Bakeries AU

Wherein they both own bakeries, Stiles tries not to run his grandmother's legacy into the ground, Laura wants to be a better alpha, and Derek can't seem to get Stiles' attention the regular way - so naturally, he accidentally initiates a prank war.

(Or, if Teen Wolf was more like Gilmore Girls, with everyone far too invested in whether the Hale boy and the Sheriff's kid will work it out, and Laura Hale wrote a handbook for alpha werewolves.)

Pack Dynamic for Dummies 36,682 | Teen

Stiles isn't sure how a Pack is supposed to work, but he's pretty sure that this this disorganized jumble of people and events doesn't quite qualify. He has to hand it to Derek though, he keeps trying. And Stiles has never been one to stand quietly on the sidelines.

Gravity’s Got Nothing on You  83,979 | E

“Three weeks,” Derek says.

“Still don’t want to,” Stiles says.

“I’ll pay you,” Derek says, and that… that has Stiles interested. Alf’s Antique’s may be a great job, but it’s not a high-paying job, and half of Stiles’s tuition is coming from financial aid, so…

“How much,” Stiles asks, “are we talking here? Because I know your family, dude. And it’ll be kind of awkward after.“

“My family thinks you’re some sort of fucking gift to the world,” Derek seethes, like he’s jealous, “they’ll probably be pissed at me when we break it off, so don’t worry about that. Five hundred bucks.”

“A thousand,” Stiles says, because screw ethics. Also, the Hale family is loaded. Derek can deal.

There is a brotherhood 21,004 | E

So far, college has taught Stiles three things:

1) Eight am classes are cruel and unusual and should be avoided at all costs, even if it means having to enroll in something truly hideous instead, like Econ 101.

2) Dorm security is just as tight as Stiles’ orientation leader had promised it would be, and the dude guarding Scott’s dorm in particular does not respond well to bribes.

3) Mrs. McCall clearly had no clue what she was talking about when she’d insisted that Scott and Stiles needed to branch out and room with strangers, so it’s all her fault that Scott ended up with a total dick of a roommate and Stiles got stuck all the way across campus with some guy who has a girlfriend two towns over and is thus never around.

Or, the one where pledge brothers Stiles and Scott start a prank war with Derek Hale's fraternity.

 Hope is the thing with feathers 28,959 | Teen and up 

Stiles is ten when he saves the Hales from their burning home and Derek from a wolfsbane bullet, and this establishes a pattern that seem to continue indefinitely.

"Then he's facing a burning home, and he wraps the hood of his sweatshirt around his mouth before he pushes the door open and steps inside. There's Mr. Hale asleep - he hopes asleep - on the couch, next to - Stiles thinks that's his brother but there are so many Hales, who can keep track. He rushes over and starts shaking him, can see the rise and fall of the man's chest so he knows he's alive, but he's not waking up. He shoves away his hood so he can shout, "Mr. Hale! You have to get up, there's a fire! Mr. Hale, get up!" Nothing, he's not even twitching, both of them taking in deep even breaths like they're having the most peaceful of rests, and Stiles is going to cry. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" There's a moment, where all Stiles can hear is the blood rushing in his ears and not the roar of the flames or the creak of wood, then with a violent, silent pop it's all back and both of the men are gasping awake, eyes open and jumping to their feet. "

 Lead You Home Again 49,962 | E

The first time Derek meets Stiles, the kid’s brown eyes are wide, and he’s staring up at him with a mischievous grin as he tugs at the arm of Derek’s first ever Batman figure like he’s trying to separate it from Batman’s body.

An alternate take on Teen Wolf, wherein Stiles and Derek are childhood friends, and things unfold from there.

 Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble 13,363 | Teen and up

When potions prodigy Stiles blows up one cauldron too many during one of his ‘experiments’, he gets assigned to making Wolfsbane Potion for the new groundskeeper. Which wouldn’t be so bad if the guy wasn’t you know, terrifying.

This is Ridiculous 35, 818 | E

There's a unicorn in Beacon Hills. A fricken' unicorn. In fricken' Beacon Hills, California. And it turns out that unicorns aren't drawn towards virgins in a happy-go-lucky let-me-lay-my-not-at-all-metaphorical-horn-in-your-lap way. No. They kill them. And guess who's the only virgin idiotic enough to get sucked into the Beacon Hills supernatural scene? Stiles, that's who.

 Mating Habits of the Domesticated Werewolf 35,458 | M

Derek doesn’t do pining. He doesn’t. So when it becomes clear that Stiles is much more interested in having Derek as a new best friend than a boyfriend, he puts on his big boy pants and makes it fucking work. He becomes the best goddamn friend a spastic teenager could ever hope to have.

 Wayward and Down  32,331 | E

Pack is family. Family is everything.

This is Stiles' senior year, and it's nothing he could have imagined.

or

That time it took not one, but two separate troll attacks and a malevolent coven of witches for Stiles to figure out how he felt about Derek.

Tremble  58,990 | E

Stiles may be cursed but that doesn’t mean he’s going to lay down and die. He’s going to fight. He won’t stop, he can’t stop. If he does, they win.

Permanent Fixture 80,777 | E

Derek is Scott's older brother. Stiles is Scott's best friend. Derek is falling in love with Stiles. This is a bit of a problem.

Bogarted 3,126 | M

Alternate Title: "Dick Failwolf, Private Eye."

(Or, Derek's hit with a Film Noir curse, which forces him to narrate his own life in luridly-detailed prose.)

DILF  30,871 | E

"Today is Scott's first day of kindergarten and Derek is terrified."

 A Thousand Fiery Suns of Angst- Just Press Play 20,934 | Teen and Up

All Stiles wants from life is to learn to control his magic, keep his grades up, and not die horribly while saving Beacon Hills from supernatural threats. It's all going pretty well until Derek Hale, werewolf extraordinaire, has to go and ask him on a date. That asshole.

 Stilinski’s Home For Wayward Werewolves 35,197 | Teen and Up

“At least your puppies knock first,” Stiles snorts. “Here I thought their alpha raised them to be well-mannered.” 

“There’s a sign,” Derek responds stiffly. 

Stiles, whose curiosity outweighs even his hardest of grudges, abandons his chilly façade of nonchalance in a heartbeat. He jumps right up and all but pushes Derek out of the way in his effort to get to the window, and sure enough when he leans outside there’s a laminated strip of cardstock duct taped to the vinyl siding: 

DON’T FORGET TO KNOCK Stiles gets cranky when we scare him

---

Or, in which Stiles Stilinski moves to Beacon Hills for his junior year of high school and accidentally adopts a pack of teenage werewolves.

I Can’t Get Enough (Of You)  10,480 | Teen and Up

Fact: Derek Hale hates Potions.

There are a number of reasons why this is so. For one thing, Potions is really not Derek's strong point. (There's a reason he's banned from using the kitchen at home.) For another, the Potions classroom is dank and dim and spending more than an hour down there at a time makes Derek’s skin crawl.

And then there’s Stiles Stilinski.

He doesn’t need an explanation.

The Socioeconomic Repercussions of Mutually Assured Destruction 15,285 | E

"The trouble with having the kind of brain that likes to write essays on male circumcision for an Economics class, is that it also likes to turn PowerPoint presentations for Biology into odes on the perfection of notorious bad boy Derek Hale’s backside."

 Linski’s Late Night Antidote to Lame 13,865 | Teen and Up

Where Stiles has his own college radio show, and the mysterious, faceless Derek is his number one fan.

Also there's this really hot guy he keeps meeting in the library who totally hates his guts.

28. Every Step You Take 49,347 | M

Stiles accidentally ends up magically bound to Derek. It’s super.

We’ve Written in Volumes (In Blood and Scars and Ink) 25,935 | E

Stiles is on his back on hard-packed dirt. He's cold and there are leaves stuck to his neck and there's a four inch gash in his side that he thinks he can feel his ribs through. There's so much blood around him he feels like he's floating on a pond and everything is so much dimmer above him than it was a minute ago, which is saying something because he's in the dark center of the forest in the middle of the night. And the worst of it is that he's alone, totally alone with the smell of his own blood drowning him and the soft side of him run through by a tree.

As his eyes slip shut, the last thing he thinks is, "This is going to kill my dad."

Electricity in the Contact 27,067 | E

In which Derek has been invited to the Greater Pacific Northwest Alpha Symposium (that's not what it's called, Stiles, stop saying that), and showing up unattached would mean an arranged marriage. When the rest of the pack objects, he agrees to let Stiles come along to pose as his mate. Derek is reasonably sure that he's not going to make it out of this weekend alive.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows 22,322 | Teen and Up

“Derek,” Stiles groans. “You have me. You’ve always had me, you absolute moron, how many physically impossible feats of life-saving heroics do I have to perform before you get it?” 

can’t be hateful gotta be grateful 6,260 | Teen and Up

"Be cool, Dad, we've decided to con Grandma."

(Or, the one where the Stilinski men drag Derek to Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's and she gets the right wrong idea.)

Noticed 35,179 | Teen and Up

Stiles left on a Tuesday. Nobody noticed. 

Losers 34,234 | E

Where Derek is new to college, eager to spend his time learning, and Stiles is everything he didn't want in a room mate. He's loud, he's into sports, and he keeps trying to make Derek do things.

Or, the one where Derek falls for a jock, Erica will cut you if you disturb her studying, and Jackson is a closeted romantic who pretends to hate everything.

35. Under Your Skin 12,207 | E

"So you decided hepatitis would be fun"; or the one about tattoos, waffles and ghouls.