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mst3kproject · 4 years

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The Ship of Monsters

Check me out, I’m being topical! I had another review almost finished for today, but when I saw the news I knew I had to set that aside and find a movie about life on Venus. This one is a ridiculous Mexican film starring Lorena Velazquez from Samson vs the Vampire Women (looking only slightly less like Cher) and one of those amazing cardboard robots you only get in the very worst of late 50’s and early 60’s sci-fi.

An atomic war on the planet Venus has killed off all the males, so an expedition is sent out in search of replacements, consisting of a native Venusian named Gamma, her Uranian navigator Beta, and their robot Tor. After promising the Empress that they will bring back only the most manly of men, they wander the solar system a while collecting creatures with penises before an engine problem forces them to land on Earth. The first human they meet there is Laureano Gomez, a singing cowboy with a well-earned reputation for telling tall tales. One might assume one could predict the rest of the movie from there… but then Beta turns on Gamma and reveals that her true mission all along was to conquer a planet to feed the vampires of Uranus!

I gotta say… I did not see that coming.

The Ship of Monsters is supposed to be a comedy. It’s seldom funny when it’s trying to be, although it mercifully avoids being the kind of desperately unfunny a lot of bad comedies are… possibly this is because it’s in Spanish, and by the time I’ve realized something is stupid there’s another subtitle to distract me. The jokes, such as they are, are pretty standard. Tor the robot was created by an alien race, who were aware of Earth but never bothered exploring it because they thought the inhabitants weren’t very intelligent. Laureano is in the habit of telling ridiculous stories to his drinking buddies, so of course when he claims the Earth is being invaded by space monsters they don’t believe him. That sort of thing. The movie is much funnier when it’s just showing us absurd situations, but to nobody’s surprise, The Ship of Monsters is at its funniest when it’s trying to be serious.

This hilarity comes in many forms, covering just about all the possible bases for a dirt-cheap 1960 sci-fi film. We have spaceship sets made of cardboard, covered with buttons that don’t actually press and levers conveniently placed so people can bump into them during fight scenes. We have Tor, with his tin can body that’s always a little dinged up but never in the same places, giving us clues as to what order the scenes might have been shot in. He also has wiggly spring antennae and makes a little whirring noise every time he moves. We have space babes in silver bathing suits and glittery high heels. Vampire-Beta, sporting plastic fangs that look like they came from the bottom of a cereal box, could be the female counterpart to the guy from Dracula vs Frankenstein, and the puppet used to represent her in flight is nearly as bad as the one from The Devil Bat.

The ‘monsters’ of the title are a bulging-brained Martian prince, a scaly cyclops, a spidery creature with venomous fangs, and the mobile skeleton of what appears to be a *damn worwelf (he tells us that his race has Evolved Beyond Flesh... apparently not Beyond Bones, though). The costumes are all terrible, particularly the warwulf puppet, whose backbone extends into his mouth and who has to be carried around with his feet dangling in any shot that’s not a close-up. It’s nice, though, that a little imagination went into them, and somebody gave a bit of thought to the idea that a monstrous appearance is relative. The Martian tells Beta that he admires her ambition and might even marry her if she weren’t so ugly by his planet’s standards.

At the end, naturally, this alien invasion is defeated by Laureano, his twelve-year-old brother, and a cardboard robot, while Gamma just stands around and screams. With a movie like this I expect nothing less. The denouement contains my favourite intentional joke in the whole thing, in which Gamma stays on Earth with her True Love, and Tor the robot takes his, the Jukebox, back to Venus with him! Tom Servo would have given a speech to congratulate the happy couple, and I can just see him breaking down into happy tears before he got five lines in.

(The wirwalf skeleton is not present at the climactic fight, by the way… no explanation is offered, and I strongly suspect that they broke the puppet trying. I rather enjoy this omission, because it lets me imagine him getting lost or maybe buried by an enterprising dog, and finally finding his way back to the landing site only to learn that they’ve left without him.)

I called Laureano a cowboy but he only has one cow. Her name is Lolobrijida and she is the very first time I have ever seen a movie spur a hero into action by killing his cow. She gets a proper Teenagers from Outer Space death, with her skeleton left behind propped up by metal struts like a dinosaur in a museum!

I also called him a singing cowboy, which he is – there are several songs, including one in which he tries to explain to Gamma and Beta what ‘love’ means. The songs have pleasant but forgettable Mexican pop melodies, and none of the lyrics make a whole lot of sense. Being translated over-literally from Spanish probably didn’t do them any favours (my own Spanish tops out at yo no tengo dinero), but I still can’t imagine that the What Is Love song clarified anything.

Laureano himself comes across as kind of a fool, but he’s not actually a full-on idiot, which is quite important. If he were the kind of one-dimensional ‘comedic nitwit’ embodied in characters like Dropo, or the janitor from Reptilicus, he’d be insufferable. Laureano is no genius, but he’s got personality traits besides being stupid – he cares deeply for his little brother Chuy and for his animals, and he doesn’t treat Gamma and Beta’s appearance as two women for the price of one. Very quickly he decides that Gamma is the one he loves, and he sticks to that, doing his best to let Beta down gently even when she offers to make him a king. He’s also smart enough to trick Beta into dancing with him so he can steal the device she uses to control the rocket and Tor, and to listen to Gamma when she tells him about the various monsters’ weaknesses.

Gamma and Beta, on the other hand, don’t have a lot to them besides the basic fact that Gamma is the Nice One and Beta is Evil. Gamma starts out in the story with a strong sense of duty, and it’s a bit disappointing to see her abandon that because of Tru Luv. I would have liked the ending better if she’d taken Laureano home with her so that the two of them could be the Adam and Eve of the new Venusian race. Meanwhile, Beta shows no sign of any loyalty except to herself and her own ambition. Her original mission, to secure Earth as a blood supply for the Uranians, falls by the wayside as she decides she’s going to conquer and rule the planet herself.

So The Ship of Monsters isn’t exactly a feminist manifesto, but neither is it complete misogynistic garbage like Project Moon Base. The whole premise, after all, rests on a planet of women being able to develop space travel all on their own! This is a fairly surprising plot point, because in many ‘planet of women’ movies like Fire Maidens of Outer Space or Cat Women of the Moon, the ladies need the virile Earth Men to come to them.

There’s also a little bit of actual science peeking out of the cracks. The moment for launch of the rocket from Venus is determined by when ‘the elliptical orbits coincide’. Launch timing is, indeed, a delicate art depending very much on what’s orbiting where. There’s also the moment when, trying to land on Earth, Gamma and Beta worry that the friction, combined with our oxygen-rich atmosphere, will set their ship on fire. This stuff is pretty impressive coming from a time when the moon landing was still nearly a decade away. There are even a couple of scenes in zero gravity that honestly aren’t totally terrible. I mean, I’ve seen better, but I’ve also seen much, much worse.

There’s also one weirdly prescient moment when Laureano, telling one of his silly stories in the pub, describes being surrounded by dinosaurs – only to get a laugh a moment later when he mentions that they had beautiful plumage. I’m not sure whether this is meant to be a joke in that Laureano is exaggerating an actual encounter with an angry bird into something more fearsome (I think we’re to assume that the whole story is totally made up), or whether it’s just supposed to be funny that Laureano thinks dinosaurs had feathers instead of scales. Either way, it’s the equivalent of the moon Fornax in Menace from Outer Space being so reminiscent of Io. There’s no way the writers could have known that, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

The Ship of Monsters is very cheap and very dumb, but it’s good fun for those of us who like crummy old alien invasion movies, and I recommend it to anybody in that demographic. As for actual life on Venus… I feel like a lot of the people getting excited are too young to remember when Bill Clinton told the world that we had totally found life on Mars. Humans have been discovering life on other planets for about two hundred years and every single one of those ‘discoveries’ has turned out to be either a mistake or an outright lie. We have plenty enough to panic about this year without a Venusian invasion.

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #the ship of monsters #cows in fridges #60s #tobor is robot spelled backwards

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diningpageantry · 5 years

Text

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43151156

Chapter 3/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 1553

Chapter Summary: Baz takes Simon's shitpost text a step further, and the outcome ends up spreading a few rumors.

SIMON

bi-sammy: sammy would still fuck huxley if he looked like the fish from shape of water

I grin smugly at my screen, sitting in a dark room with nothing shining but my mobile. The shutters stay shut, and the light from the bottom of the doorway barely filters into the room. It’s just me, this scratchy blanket, and Baz, somewhere else in England on another screen. I absolutely adore that.

gaystrell: why would you say something so controversial yet so brave.jpg

Sometimes, I catch myself smiling. Other times, I elect to ignore how real it feels. It’s weird, given that it feels like I’m just chatting with someone who I see everyday. The casualness of this reminds me of texting Penny in the afternoon on a Thursday.

Except, given the current time, it could be interpreted as more intimate than that of a friend’s text.

8am on a Saturday is usually a time reserved for comfort. For staying warm with someone you care about. Instead, I’m just messaging Baz.

bi-sammy: because im right

bi-sammy: hear me out here ive got a brilliant idea

gaystrell: whoever taught you the definition of a brilliant idea was clearly misleading you

bi-sammy: dont be an arse until youve heard it

bi-sammy: wanker

gaystrell: you’re truly proving your point

bi-sammy: ANYWAY

bi-sammy: shape of water au

bi-sammy: thats all

gaystrell: i’m appalled.

gaystrell: hold on.

I don’t think much of it. Occasionally, he disappears for an hour to two. I don’t bother asking, assuming it’s none of my business, but I do tend to worry a bit. I hope he’s alright.

After clicking off my phone, my head settles against my pillow as my eyes fall shut.

There’s something about this. There’s something about him. It’s a bit hard to pinpoint what it is, but the overwhelming feeling of comfort I have in the notifications I get from him just answering my bullshit is incredibly welcomed. He’s semisweet. I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier, but he’s a fantastically bitter person.

My head slowly turns over, eyes opening and straining in the darkness.

I hate my empty room.

I hate the absence of comfort--I hate the plainness of these walls.

I want to say I hate my foster dad, but I also feel like I’m not allowed to say that. Not because the system will take me again and throw me back (even though I could have left a year back, if I was still in it). Instead, I feel like I shouldn’t hate him. Theoretically, I should be thankful for what I have. I’m not in a boy’s home, and I haven’t been since I was 11, but the remnants remain. The fights don’t go away, and neither do the weeks of starvation.

Still, I sort of despise living here under Davy.

That’s what he makes me call him. His name. His nickname. Not dad; of course not dad. He’s had me in his care for roughly six years, but he’s still Davy to me.

Shitty fucking Davy, with his strict curfews and practically using me as a housemaid because he’s too cheap to care for himself.

Shitty fucking Davy, not letting me add anything to my room because the day I turn 18, I’m out of here until his next kid (and cheque, apparently) come in. Told me I’d wreck the walls and ruin his furniture if I did put anything on it, too.

So that’s what I’ve got. Blank walls, blank furniture, blank everything. It’s like a jail cell for a bedroom, and everything I’ve got to show for myself is in a backpack and two dresser drawers/

But, at least, I own my mobile.

Every summer job, mixed with odds and ends shit and whatever I can do for my bill. It’s all mine, and Davy can’t fucking touch it.

Maybe that’s why, when I feel it buzz against my chest, it makes me feel more alive. It’s a reminder of all that work just to be able to talk to someone freely.

Arguably, the best feeling in the goddamn world.

I grab it and flip it over. It’s just an email about uni.

Fuck.

I end up scrolling through tumblr for a little while, doing nothing but liking and reblogging a thing here or there. It takes a little while before a little drop down falls from the top of my screen.

gaystrell: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r7Wkwj7MSFk0--DgquHGhYVBbqneEYq0J01t0uMRmxA/edit?usp=sharing

gaystrell: feel the need to apologize before you click the link, but then again, you asked for this hell

When I click on it, it pulls up a doc titled just “crackfic”, and I’m floored with the first sentence alone.

“Fuck my fish ass harder, daddy.”

My hand flies up, covering my mouth as I practically wheeze as quietly as possible. A few paragraphs in and I’m nearly crying into my palm, muffling my laughter as I read through pages upon pages of the most ridiculous fic I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.

I check the word count out of pure curiosity, and it somehow makes me laugh harder.

bi-sammy: holy fucking shit

bi-sammy: i swear to god if you don’t post that i will

gaystrell: already in the process of making the archive post

gaystrell: i seriously believe you underestimate my sincere ability to be the biggest dick on the street

bi-sammy: i dont know whether or not u meant that as ur literal dick or the big dick energy in making that a post but id probably agree with you in both

bi-sammy: tag me in the post pls i want to be the first to reblog it

gaystrell: you’re a ridiculous, sad, little man

gaystrell: of course i’ll tag you

Within minutes, it’s uploaded with the absolute worst slew of Archive tags attached to it, and as soon as he tags me in his post, I tap the notification.

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Word Count: 3,192

Summary: Fish!Huxley and Sam get it on Shape of Water style

@bi-sammy this is your fault (you're welcome)

I immediately slam like and pull up reblog, rapidly typing out my response before posting.

absolute madman. cant believe youve done this. i trust you with my entire life.

As usual, he's quick to reblog back.

anything for the absolute pain in my life x

Smiling shamelessly, I ride on the moment's high as our conversation stays out in the world. I quite enjoy this version of his softness. The public, taunting replies to mine. In all this time of following him, I can't really recall him ever being this friendly with anyone but me.

Makes me feel special. Maybe too much so.

BAZ

The jarring shock of the seemingly endless notifications rattles me momentarily speechless.

It isn't even 15 minutes after I'd replied to Snow and there's already a few people reblogging it with comments about him and I. A quick “i ship y'all’ to “powermove of the century”. Each make me flush deeper as the replies flood in.

If I were to be practical, I'm aware that I shouldn't be so flustered over the concept of us being a couple. It's most likely my overactive, sad, lonely imagination, but the idea of being loved just makes me blush. Especially since it's someone who doesn't seem to absolutely loathe me.

gaystrell: are you reading these?

bi-sammy: the what?

bi-sammy: i have. nothing to read. i cant read.

gaystrell: use your two remaining brain cells look at the notes for the crackfic

bi-sammy: holy shit

bi-sammy: im cackling

A notification pops up, making me snort this time. I pull up the post and send it off to him without a second thought.

gaystrell: sent a post

gaystrell: “sounds like something huxley would do for sam”

bi-sammy: stop im gonna piss myself shits too fucking funny

I pull it back up, scrolling down to reblog and adding a quick reply that, in all honesty, I should have thought out more. Secretly, part of me is glad that I sent it.

huxley wishes he was this smooth ;)

Within seconds, replies flood in from everywhere. From jokes about Snow and I possibly dating to the concept of Huxley writing (purposefully) shitty homoerotica about himself as a fishman. I quite like the conversation about the latter, while the former makes my chest knot in ways inexplicable.

Going through the notes makes me smile, even if it's mildly embarrassing. The amount of times I've seen the eyes emoji used is definitely excessive, but still somewhat welcomed.

Even my archive has a few comments already, although more based around the fic itself. More ironically, though, is the one person who probably took it seriously and just commented, “Nice fic!” I love the abundance of shameless appreciation for obscure fanfiction in the depths of this community.

Snow's messages roll down my mobile screen as I'm checking the comments, continuously replacing the previous message for the top slot.

bi-sammy: mate

bi-sammy: i love you

bi-sammy: also every time you reblog something of mine i get like 5 followers

bi-sammy: if you mention me i get 10

bi-sammy: youre???????????? a god????????

bi-sammy: can i marry you????????????

I slowly close my laptop, eyes on my phone with an absolutely gleeful grin.

gaystrell: when and where?

#carry on #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #mine #it's a handheld disaster #snowbaz #simon snow #tyrannus basilton grimm-pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #baz pitch #simon #baz

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quilloftheclouds · 5 years

Text

About the Writer Tag

I’ve been tagged in this an overly ridiculous amount. That’s just because I waited way too long to reply to it. Clearly, I am a tag game dragon.

Tagged by @alternativeforensicscientist, @shadows-on-everkin, @igotablankpage, @understanding-not-understood, @oradall, @multimousenette, @astro-writing, @sundaynightnovels, and @txintedsxint! Thanks, folks!

I shall taaggggg: @writersloth, @isanyonetoknow, @esoteric-eclectic-eccentric, @roll-a-bi20, and @snickertoodles, as per request by this post! Feel free to do it or leave it as you like!

There appear to be two separate versions, but I may as well do them both at once! For those I tagged, you can certainly choose one or do both!

This is very long, so under the cut we go!

Version One

Relationship status: Single, sure, but currently not looking!

Favourite colour: Ohhhh too many, mate! TOO MANY. Typically I go for a deep greenish-blue, soft turquoise, or a dark forest green, for this!

Top three favorite ships: Uh. Um. I actually don’t ship characters that often, I mean. Gimli and Legolas is always a hilarious favourite, you don’t know who this is but Hawk and Cynn Numair from White Noise, uhhhhh and sure let’s go with Peridot and Amethyst because why not. (Be aware my ships can include just close platonic love, too!)

Lipstick or chapstick: I’m trying to get into the habit of wearing chapstick more often, since my lips crack easily bleh. So chapstick!

Last Song: Listening to right at this moment as I write this: Waving Through a Window from Evan Hansen and originally by Owl City

Last Movie: YOU SHOULD GO ALL WATCH SPIDERVERSE IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY IT’S GORGEOUS.

Last Book: All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr! Holy heck this book was SO GOOD, and the way it writes a blind main character!!! (Reference for my new wip? Yeah.) IT’S SUCH A GOOD STORY. Bittersweet and dark at some parts, but I definitely recommend it!

Currently Reading: I haven’t really had time to pick up something new recently, but I’m looking to get back into reading again sometime soon!

Fanfiction: I’ve written Warrior Cats and Steven Universe more recently (but shared with no one, sorry ^^’). Fun fact, though! Most of the main characters in One Siren’s Soul (my current main wip) are based on SU ocs I made a long while ago! Also, when I was much younger, Storm Hawks and Hotwheels: Battle Force Five were my go to. Oh sweet mercy, please don’t ever make me look at those again. ouo

As for reading fanfiction, though: I don’t really, no. I have nothing against it, I just am very new to the online writer community and haven’t had the chance yet~

Annnnd Version Two

This one had a lot of different questions, but I’ll try and answer all of them~

Nickname: Quill!! The Quirkiest of Quills

Zodiac: Geminiminiminimini

Height: I actually have no idea now. 5′7 probably. Maybe.

Time: ADT

Favourite band/artist: Oh stars, come on, I like too manyyyyy. Right now I really like Dodie and The Score! Wow, how’s that for some contrast.

Song stuck in my head: Stay by The Score is super darn catchy and I’ve been playing it on repeat way too much lately. -u-

Last movie I saw: Answered above!

Last thing I googled: What timezone I was for the above question. ^^’

Other blogs: Only this one, so far!

Do I get asks: Whenever I reblog an ask game I typically get quite a few! Of course, I try to send out ones when I see others reblogging them, too! I get a lot of those positivity chain ones, as well, and although I love the premise of them, the work of going through and messaging others isn’t really that pleasant to me. I don’t really want to put that on others, either. Kinda taking a break from those at the mo~

Why this username: Stars, when I first made this blog I was freaking out over what name to choose because it had to be aesthetic and fitting and stuff. Quill because writing (and porcupine quills are culturally significant, as well!) and also FEATHERS are so pretty and fancy and stuff. Of the clouds because I’m a daydreamer! My head is always in the clouds! I’m also a weather nerd, and I know all the names of the different cloud types, and I love trying to predict the upcoming weather from the sky alone!

Following: 623. Is that a lot? I feel like that’s a lot. Huh.

Lucky number: 24!

What I’m wearing: My trilobite collection shirt and fluffy pajama bottoms because I’m going to bed soon. c;

Dream job: Probably a geologist? An environmental scientist? Something along those lines?

Dream trip: ICELAND HAS SUCH COOL GEOLOGY. Also any place in Scandinavia would likely be really cool!!

Favourite food: Carbonara with pasta made from scratch, parmesan cheese, and bits of actual bacon~ I made it with my Dad for my birthday!

Instruments I play: Mainly the violin and the piano! But I can also play the harmonica, the penny whistle, somewhat drums of varying types, kinda the oboe, and grass blades. What do you mean grass blades aren’t instruments?

Eye colour: Dark brown but according to one of my friends they look yellow in certain lighting. Hmm...

Hair colour: Last time I answered this I had brown hair with turquoise dyed tips! Now those tips are brilliantly vivid Chalcanthite blue.

Aesthetic: Think way too energetic earth sciences nerd with a passion for learning everything and way too many hats and plants. I live on weird weather and obscure nature facts.

Languages I speak: I’m bilingual in English and Acadian French, and I’m learning ASL and a bit of Russian, too!

Most Iconic Song: Honestly, Take to the Sky by Owl City, is a song from my childhood that I just... absolutely loved too much.

Random fact: I’m currently working in the Historical Archives of my city! A few days ago I got to personally handle and transcribe documents from the late 1700s. SO COOL.

#tag games #about the writer tag #about me #get to know the writer tag #get to know me tag

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beccaland · 7 years

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Fandom Tag Meme

I was tagged by the wonderful @tardisly, and then I wrote my answers to several of these on a lunch break, but ran out of time, so I saved it as a draft and only just discovered that I never finished it! Same thing happened to a bit of dinner I had to reheat in the microwave the other day, because I got distracted reading an article while I was waiting. I have really embraced the absentminded professor stereotype lately. ANYWAY.

1. Your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s):

Shipping’s not my main fandom thing, but I’m definitely a Doctor/River shipper. I know it’s flawed and cheesy, but it just works for me. River and the Doctor are mad enough, and alike enough, and different enough for each other, and their weird timey-wimey relationship suits them perfectly. They feel balanced as a couple.

2. A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind (bonus points: who was that person).

I mean, Twelve/Clara sort of? I still really see them as a BroTP and don’t ship them myself, but I can at least see where the romantic shippers are coming from.

Also Five/Nyssa or Eight/Nyssa. Again, I don’t actually ship them in the sense of wanting stories where they’re a couple, but after listening to some of Nyssa’s BFAs and talking with @whovianhermit about people who’d actually make a good romantic partnership with the Doctor (as opposed to being exciting, fun, or adorable, but not necessarily healthy), I really think Nyssa is one of the few people in the universe who’d work. Except I can’t really see her giving up her own lifesaving work, or wanting to make a life in the TARDIS. So it’s definitely going to be a LDR, but really--what long-term relationship with the Doctor could ever not be a LDR?

3. A pairing you used to love, but it all fell apart for you.

LOL I feel like @tardisly and I are answering a lot of these shippy questions the same. Ten/Rose in principle is a good ship, though not one that I could imagine lasting even Rose’s entire remaining lifespan, let alone the Doctor’s. And that’s not a criticism of their relationship, because I really believe that some genuinely good relationships aren’t meant to last “forever.” Like, I sort of see them as a kind of college romance? A good relationship that runs its natural course and they both move on, forever changed for the better by the time they spent together, and forever holding a special place in each other’s hearts, but both OK with having moved on. But ten years on, I’m just kind of bored with it all now. HOWEVER, David and Billie are doing a Big Finish box set, so we’ll see if they can rekindle my excitement for the Ten/Rose ship at all.

4. Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom, if so, what?

Probably the Trees of Rassilon headcannon that @theenigmaofriversong and I sort of riffed on each other about.

5. What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

Well, I joined rec.arts.drwho in the early 90s, though spent some years later on being a Whovian but not so much in fandom. But there’s no fandom that I’ve spent more time in than this one. I am constant in my affections.

6. Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it?

Probably Mulder/Scully. I can’t remember one before them.

7. Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over Tumblr.

Parks and Recreation

8. Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves (chars you’re neutral on are fair game, as are chars you dislike).

The Sixth Doctor is way better in the audios than I remember him being from the classic series--much more thoughtful and a bit less abrasive. Also his flirting with River is adorable.

9. Name three things you wish you saw more of in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

Eight, Liv, Helen fanfic & fan art

Enthusiasm for and content about Classic Who and Big Finish

More well-informed criticism and meta of all eras; less ridiculous hatred dressed up as legitimate criticism based on bad analysis of certain characters and showrunners.

10. Choose a song at random; which ship or character does it remind you of?

“Cosmic Love” by Florence + the Machine; Doctor/River

11. A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships.

This would be extremely unlikely to happen, since I pretty much don’t bother with ships that aren’t canon or at least heavily implied.

12. Your most scandalous headcanon for your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s).

River never picks up her socks, and it drives the Doctor nuts when they’re living together for 24 years. Eventually in a fit of rage he gathers all the dirty socks up and instead of washing them and putting them away like usual, he chucks them in a black hole. It takes River a week to notice she doesn’t have any socks and another month to bother getting new socks. She doesn’t pick those ones up either.

I literally just made that up on the spot. I didn’t have any scandalous headcanons; this is the best I could do.

13. Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)?

The Doctor is varying degrees of asexual, depending on their incarnation. Some regenerations are demi, and some are sex-repulsed. Almost all the Doctor’s regenerations are panromantic, but a couple are aromantic.

14. 5 favorite characters from 5 different fandoms.

The Doctor (all of them), from Doctor Who

Samantha Carter, Stargate SG-1

Susan Ivanova, from Babylon 5

Tiffany Aching, Discworld

Rupert Giles, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

15. 3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms.

Doctor/River, Doctor Who

Sam/Jack, Stargate SG-1

John/Delenn, Babylon 5

16. 5 brotps:

Twelve & Clara <3 <3 <3

Ten & Donna

Eight & Lucie

Leela & K-9

I strongly suspect that Benny and Warner!Doctor are becoming another...

17. Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go (prompts optional but encouraged).

I listened to “The Auntie Matter” this morning. It’s a Fourth Doctor and Romana I audio in the style of a PG Wodehouse comedy and it’s hilarious and perfect and just way way too short; why aren’t there more Wodehouse/Wilde-style Doctor Who stories??? And then in the commentary at the end, the cast and crew talked about how Mary Tamm fell ill shortly before they were to begin recording, but she insisted on doing the audios despite her illness, and although they completed that run, she died six months before the first of them was released. Tom Baker talked about losing Lis Sladen and Mary Tamm and Caroline John all in the space of about a year, and I was crying, remembering what it felt like at the time to lose these people I never knew but loved nonetheless, and thinking how much more keenly those who actually knew them must have felt their loss. But also what a privilege we have, that in a way they’re still with us, because of this amazing body of work.

Tagging (only if you wanna do it): @animate-mush @ravenskyewalker @theenigmaofriversong @evilqueenofgallifrey @mewiet

#doctor who #fandom tag meme thingy

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eddiejpoplar · 6 years

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Quick Take: 2018 Toyota Sienna

Testing the 2018 Toyota Sienna has taught me that minivans can be very dangerous things.

I don’t mean they are dangerous to drive—heavens, no. Statistically, minivans are among the safest places to be, somewhere between riding in a school bus and holing up in your own basement with a week’s supply of provisions and a Netflix membership.

No, the problem with minivans is that they sometimes grow on you. It’s a lesson I learned the hard way with the Toyota Sienna.

Among car buffs, minivans are supposed to be disliked, disparaged, and disrespected. Sure, we acknowledge their usefulness; I don’t think there’s a gearhead alive who denies that the best way to ship your family is in a box. Cubic foot for cubic foot, a minivan does a better job hauling groups of five to seven than pretty much any SUV on the market.

But we aren’t supposed to like them.

And yet that’s what happened to me when I had the Toyota Sienna, and under rather peculiar circumstances.

It started after my first night with the Sienna. (Er, I meant that I drove the Sienna home for the night. Minds out of the gutter, please.) My first impressions of Toyota’s aging minivan were good: The 296-hp V-6 pulls smoothly, the eight-speed automatic shifts seamlessly, the handling is surprisingly responsive, and the ride is steady, quiet and comfortable.

The steering is a bit worse than I expected; it feels overboosted and there’s little resistance as you pull it off-center. New for 2018 is standard-fit lane-departure assistance system, part and parcel of the Toyota Safety Sense system which also includes adaptive cruise control, collision mitigation, and automatic high beams. If it thinks you’re drifting out of your lane, it will make steering corrections—and the force of those corrections is way out of proportion to the steering’s light heft. It makes for an interesting ride down the highway, that’s for sure.

Overall, the Sienna was pretty much what I expected: An appliance on wheels. A weapon of mass transportation.

And then the unthinkable happened.

Wednesday. Lunchtime. I perused the list of cars visiting the Automobile office for testing, looking for a suitable ride to my favorite sandwich shop. There was a Jaguar F-Type coupe with the new 2.0T engine. We had a Cadillac CT6 with the new plug-in hybrid drivetrain that I’ve been eager to try out. The Honda Civic Type R, a favorite from our Four Seasons fleet, was knocking about. There was plenty of good metal to choose from.

And then, out of the blue, a thought crossed my mind, a thought so bone-chillingly horrifying that my fingers are shaking with the very thought of typing it:

I’ll just take the Sienna.

The notion was so deplorable, so abhorrent to every fiber of my car-crazy being, that I was stunned—stunned, I tell you!—to the point that I could do nothing but walk, zombie-like, to the waiting mommymobile.

As I cruised to lunch in the Sienna, I tried to think: What was it about this car that had so enamored me?

Let’s be honest: Even among minivans, the Sienna is not at the top of its game. Sure, it has lots of nifty features, most of which were on display in our top-of-the-line Limited Premium tester (no, seriously, that’s the name of the trim level—not just Limited, not just Premium, but Limited and Premium!). The third-row seat motors down into the luggage well, leaving a nice flat load floor. A split-screen rear-seat entertainment system lets Thing 1 watch a Bluray movie while Thing 2 watches whatever is plugged into the HDMI port. It has second row seats that recline corporate-jet style. It even has a rear sunroof that actually opens.

There are toys for the driver as well. Driver Easy Speak—I’m sure most families will come to know it by my pet name, the Voice of God—amplifies the driver’s voice over the rear speakers, making threats to turn this van right around and go straight home extra-effective. And once parked, pressing the camera button shows a 360-degree spin which then pulls out to a top-down view, allowing you to see if you’ve docked this ship between the lines.

All cool. But worth giving up a ride in a Civic Type R or a Jaguar F-Type? (Okay, maybe the F-Type.)

No. There were other forces at work. Forces beyond my control. Forces too powerful for me to comprehend.

And lest you think I am exaggerating for the sake of the story, I can tell you that whatever the nature of this strange minivan-loving affliction may be, it’s contagious.

On Friday, a Nissan GT-R arrived at the office. Executive editor Mac Morrison was on the list to take it home, and I broke the Sienna’s grip on my soul just long enough to borrow the hi-po Nissan for lunch. (Er, I drove it to lunch. I did not actually have the GT-R for lunch, although I’m sure it would have given me my daily supply of iron. Oh! Thank you! I’m here all week!) Afterward, I went to Mac’s office to give him the key.

“Oh, uh, thanks, but… I was hoping to take the Sienna for the weekend,” he said.

“What, the minivan?” I asked, incredulous. This man owns a Porsche.

“Er, yes.”

“But you’re signed up for the GT-R,” I said.

“Well, yes, but I need something, er, different,” he said.

“Mac, you’re the executive editor of Automobile. Why would you willingly give up the GT-R for a minivan, let alone a Sienna?” I asked.

“Kids,” he said.

“You don’t have kids,” I said.

“Listen, take the [expletive deleted] GT-R keys, get back to your [expletive deleted] cubicle, and stop asking so many [expletive deleted] questions.”

Monday morning, I was back in Mac’s office to check in with him.

“How was the Sienna?” I asked.

“Oh, it was great!” he bubbled. “It has seats that… er…” A confused look came over his face, which then clouded with annoyance. “It was boring. Of course it was boring. Stupid minivans.”

“But you just said—“

“Don’t you owe me a Lexus writeup?” he snapped. “Unless you want to spend the rest of your career vacuuming floor mats for Car and Driver, I suggest you finish it. Now.”

And back to my desk I went, trying to figure out this ridiculous affection we were developing for the Sienna.

Among minivans, it just doesn’t stand out. The Chrysler Pacifica is nicer (and offers a terrific plug-in hybrid system for pollution-free school runs). The Kia Sedona feels more upscale and less van-like. The Honda Odyssey has better steering. Sure, the Sienna is the only one to offer all-wheel-drive, but it’s the oldest of this bunch—the current iteration dates back to the 2011 model year—and it’s the most expensive at both the bottom and the top of the model range.

But the Sienna does seem to have a strange sort of charisma (or is it swagger?) that the other vans lack. No matter how much you resist it, it’s hard not to admire the Sienna, or at least to appreciate it.

I breathed a loud sigh of relief when the Toyota people came to take it away.

The conversations portrayed in this review are works of fiction. Any resemblance to conversations I actually had with Mac Morrison, living or dead, is purely coincidental. That said, that thing about him trading me the GT-R for the Sienna? That really happened.

2018 Toyota Sienna Specifications

ON SALE Now PRICE $31,895 (base) / $48,580 (as tested) ENGINE 3.6 liter 24-valve DOHC V-6/296 hp@6,600 rpm, 263 lb-ft @ 4,700 rpm TRANSMISSION 8-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 7-8-passenger, front-engine, FWD/AWD minivan EPA MILEAGE 18-19/24-27 (city/hwy) L x W x H 200.6 x 78.1 x 68.9-71.3 in WHEELBASE 119.3 in WEIGHT 4,430-4,615 lb 0-60 MPH N/A TOP SPEED N/A

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jonathanbelloblog · 6 years

Text

Quick Take: 2018 Toyota Sienna

Testing the 2018 Toyota Sienna has taught me that minivans can be very dangerous things.

No, the problem with minivans is that they sometimes grow on you. It’s a lesson I learned the hard way with the Toyota Sienna.

But we aren’t supposed to like them.

And yet that’s what happened to me when I had the Toyota Sienna, and under rather peculiar circumstances.

Overall, the Sienna was pretty much what I expected: An appliance on wheels. A weapon of mass transportation.

And then the unthinkable happened.

And then, out of the blue, a thought crossed my mind, a thought so bone-chillingly horrifying that my fingers are shaking with the very thought of typing it:

I’ll just take the Sienna.

As I cruised to lunch in the Sienna, I tried to think: What was it about this car that had so enamored me?

All cool. But worth giving up a ride in a Civic Type R or a Jaguar F-Type? (Okay, maybe the F-Type.)

No. There were other forces at work. Forces beyond my control. Forces too powerful for me to comprehend.

And lest you think I am exaggerating for the sake of the story, I can tell you that whatever the nature of this strange minivan-loving affliction may be, it’s contagious.

“Oh, uh, thanks, but… I was hoping to take the Sienna for the weekend,” he said.

“What, the minivan?” I asked, incredulous. This man owns a Porsche.

“Er, yes.”

“But you’re signed up for the GT-R,” I said.

“Well, yes, but I need something, er, different,” he said.

“Mac, you’re the executive editor of Automobile. Why would you willingly give up the GT-R for a minivan, let alone a Sienna?” I asked.

“Kids,” he said.

“You don’t have kids,” I said.

“Listen, take the [expletive deleted] GT-R keys, get back to your [expletive deleted] cubicle, and stop asking so many [expletive deleted] questions.”

Monday morning, I was back in Mac’s office to check in with him.

“How was the Sienna?” I asked.

“But you just said—“

“Don’t you owe me a Lexus writeup?” he snapped. “Unless you want to spend the rest of your career vacuuming floor mats for Car and Driver, I suggest you finish it. Now.”

And back to my desk I went, trying to figure out this ridiculous affection we were developing for the Sienna.

I breathed a loud sigh of relief when the Toyota people came to take it away.

2018 Toyota Sienna Specifications

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jesusvasser · 6 years

Text

Quick Take: 2018 Toyota Sienna

Testing the 2018 Toyota Sienna has taught me that minivans can be very dangerous things.

No, the problem with minivans is that they sometimes grow on you. It’s a lesson I learned the hard way with the Toyota Sienna.

But we aren’t supposed to like them.

And yet that’s what happened to me when I had the Toyota Sienna, and under rather peculiar circumstances.

Overall, the Sienna was pretty much what I expected: An appliance on wheels. A weapon of mass transportation.

And then the unthinkable happened.

And then, out of the blue, a thought crossed my mind, a thought so bone-chillingly horrifying that my fingers are shaking with the very thought of typing it:

I’ll just take the Sienna.

As I cruised to lunch in the Sienna, I tried to think: What was it about this car that had so enamored me?

All cool. But worth giving up a ride in a Civic Type R or a Jaguar F-Type? (Okay, maybe the F-Type.)

No. There were other forces at work. Forces beyond my control. Forces too powerful for me to comprehend.

And lest you think I am exaggerating for the sake of the story, I can tell you that whatever the nature of this strange minivan-loving affliction may be, it’s contagious.

“Oh, uh, thanks, but… I was hoping to take the Sienna for the weekend,” he said.

“What, the minivan?” I asked, incredulous. This man owns a Porsche.

“Er, yes.”

“But you’re signed up for the GT-R,” I said.

“Well, yes, but I need something, er, different,” he said.

“Mac, you’re the executive editor of Automobile. Why would you willingly give up the GT-R for a minivan, let alone a Sienna?” I asked.

“Kids,” he said.

“You don’t have kids,” I said.

“Listen, take the [expletive deleted] GT-R keys, get back to your [expletive deleted] cubicle, and stop asking so many [expletive deleted] questions.”

Monday morning, I was back in Mac’s office to check in with him.

“How was the Sienna?” I asked.

“But you just said—“

“Don’t you owe me a Lexus writeup?” he snapped. “Unless you want to spend the rest of your career vacuuming floor mats for Car and Driver, I suggest you finish it. Now.”

And back to my desk I went, trying to figure out this ridiculous affection we were developing for the Sienna.

I breathed a loud sigh of relief when the Toyota people came to take it away.

2018 Toyota Sienna Specifications

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